Chris R. from Ingram, TX spekaing at the Men Among Men group's conference in Reykjavik, Iceland

Wow, welcome.

My name is Chris Kramer. I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic.

I don't have a clue what he just said. I I don't know,

here, here's here's Chris Raymer. He's an asshole. OK, there you go.

I'll try to live up to the hype.

I, I am, I am so honored to be here. I truly, this is, this is be fun. I, I get a chance to share a little tonight and then tomorrow Samantha and Larry and I'll do a little quick run through the steps and we'll get a chance to hear from them this week. And, and I'm looking forward to that. Y'all are pretty amazing folks. I mean, I'm speaking at the home of XA speakers and the probably the prettiest gene pool on earth.

True, there's a some exceptions in here. There's some by God ugly folks in here, but,

but as a general, for the most part, I don't know,

for the most part, the women especially, what the hell, what can I say? I we're asking today earlier, who I was here in 2003 with my brother and stuff and, and I couldn't remember when it what year it was. It's just they all kind of blurs together. But we've been buds and, and I'm so honored to get a chance to come back and try to do this again. And, and

it's still cold here. What can I say? Is this what a great place. I nothing's much changed. I'm going to tell you a little bit where I'm at currently with the steps and

and with this thing called recovery. And I just, I want to kind of kind of slide into this. I,

I have,

I come from a particular

perspective and that's all I can do. I'm up here to share my story and I'm

I made my story may be different than your story. OK, I want to get some of this out of the way,

but it's, but it's my story and you can't really argue with that, you know, And so if I, if I stay honest and true to this, I'm going to explain to you kind of what happened. And you can see where, where I kind of come from. I was years in Alcoholics Anonymous dying in the, in the rooms in the fellowship and I, I couldn't get sober. I, I couldn't pick up a 30 day chip.

I don't know how to tell you. I just, I, I couldn't not drink. I could not drink for periods of time, but I'd have to drug, do some of those outside issue things. And so, you know, and I'd quit the drug, the drug in and I'd go back to the drinking. I mean, I have to have something in me that changes the way I feel. And I finally got sober in 1987. So I'm, I'm, I'm a little better than 22 years sober and I, I work for a hospital. I work for a treatment center in Texas

down near Ingram, Texas where I where I grew up and it is it is absolutely country. I grew. I grew up on a street called Goat Creek Rd. and I don't

like I said, y'all come visit. I don't know why the hell you'd want to, but y'all come visit and you'll be, you'd be a Goat Creek Rd. Oh my gosh. But I work for this hospital and have for about 17 years. I do clerical work for this hospital. So I get to see thousands of Alcoholics and addicts come through this hospital, OK. And for my little vantage point, I get to watch a lot of people come in and a lot of people leave and I get to know who gets sober and who stays and who leaves. And, and you know, the truth is that guys,

the solution to our problem is this is, is the fellowship and the program of alcoholic synonymous? But, but we have such a bad PR out there in the real world. There's so many people that have come to meetings and not been able to stay sober that they just want to take shots at us.

You'll follow. And I said, so I'm up here to share maybe some of the reasons why they're taking shots. And, and you're free to agree or disagree with anything I say. If I say something tonight that offends you that you don't agree with, then then, you know, you just go away. I don't know what to tell you.

I used to say, come up and talk to me about it and it's like, because you, but you would, you know, And it's like, I'm not,

I don't want to argue with you, you know, I'll say this and move on. You know, if, if just go into meetings and talking about your, your tragic day is keeping you sober. Who am I to argue with that? Have a nice life. I, I, I don't want to hang around yet, but have a nice life. I, I just, I just finally in 1987, because of some good sponsorship,

learned a different way to stay sober. And, and that's all I want to talk to you guys about so you don't stick around. And like I said this week, tomorrow we'll make a fast run through the steps and we'll have a good time with that. And you guys can, man, we can visit y'all. Y'all understand my English a lot more than I understand your language. So y'all come find us and allow me to make amends to you if I, if I've stepped on yet, because I, I'm just here to share my story. So we'll move on.

It's amazing to me. I used to

my, my sponsor was Mark Houston. He just, he passed away a few weeks ago and he was my sponsor about 17 years. And, and some of you all have heard his, his tapes and C DS and back in the day. And, and you know, I used to travel around with him sometimes I'd, I'd carry his book and drive him around, you know, when he go speak someplace and he was carrying the steps. He was coming right straight out of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, but but yet he was the controversial speaker because he was talking about God in the 12 steps. And you know, and it was amazing to me when I, when I got to to sit with him,

these workshops to see how many people just seem to want to come

to find some fault. You follow

people just waiting in the in by the thousands, just waiting for an opportunity to be pissed off. You know, it's like, I can't believe he said that, you know, I don't know what to tell you. We're all coming out of the big book. I mean, if you're not, you're the controversial one as far as I'm concerned, Not me. I'm we're just little big book thumpers. That's all of us. That's all we do. So anyway, I'm absolutely honored. I am.

There's a great website out there called stepstudy.org and

there's an article that was written in that, in that on that step study. And I, I've got some little sheets tomorrow I'll give you and you can, you can go check it out. But there's an article called 3 views and I'm not going to go through the whole article. I wish I could. I wish I'd wrote the damn thing because it was, it is good article, but but it explains in in on paper what, what I've tried to verbalize from the podium for years. And there's so many different ways for people to get sober. And Bill Wilson, when he wrote the book in 1939, understood that

he he, he goes out of his way to talk about different kinds of drinkers. He talks about moderate drinkers, you know, those people. We don't really hang around those two people too much.

They're loser to the core. We don't have your animals in the fever

if you can moderate. I mean, what the hell? Why do you want to be with us? We're we're not we don't do anything in moderation for heavens sakes. But but Bill Wilson talks about the moderate drinker and then the hard drinker. And this is this guys a little knucklehead. You know, he drinks too much, he takes too much dope, whatever. But given sufficient reason, this cat can quit you, you follow. And but then it says in the next paragraph on page 21 in our in our rendition of this thing, it says it says it says what about the real alcoholic? You see, and I I introduced myself from the podiums as as a real alcoholic because

textbook

diagnosed alcoholic and and and people get offended. Well, you know I'm gonna. I'm an A A. If I say I'm an A A, you know, it's like I didn't say you weren't welcome,

loser. I don't know what to tell you.

You're arguing your right to be in a group full of the sickest people on earth. Men, come on. We move to the front. We need you. I, I You're welcome. But Bill Wilson spends 60 pages in the book trying to explain what a real alcoholic and a real drug addict looks like. And here's the grinder. Because if you hear the what will work for the moderate drinker or the hard drinker might not work for the real alcoholic. And Bill Wilson knew that. He understood that That article I was talking about talks about different. Different

use of recovery and there's this this idea that we can re socialize and a lot of people talk about it in meetings, you know, with a second meeting, makers make it. That's where that crap came from. You know, we have entire fellowships out there. That's all they do is push the fellowship. You know what I'm saying? I'm thinking about drinking. We'll double up on your meetings. It's like, why

y'all, I'm not knocking meetings, but I mean, show me in the book where it says, if you're thinking about taking a drink, go to more meetings. And but some people can stay sober that way. You, you make sense. They talk about the, the, the, the, the psychological approach to this. Many of us in this room have had psychological problems. I can tell by looking at some of your faces. You're having one right now. And

but I mean, who, who amongst us? I mean, most of us have had some trauma that we could benefit from, but but there are certain people that will just work through a certain issue, quote UN quote, you with us and come out the other side and not want to drink anymore. Makes sense. We see it all the time. Somebody loses a loved one and they grief and they drink too much and all of a sudden they work through the grief. They come back out. They don't have to drink too much or they can moderate it. You with us. But but these are the same. These are the ass. Excuse me,

These are the the beautiful children of God that are

that are sitting in meetings telling you that the solution to your problem is therapy. I'm not knocking therapy. It'll help. So we'll exercise.

Yeah, yeah,

OK.

And then what the Bill Wilson talks about in the in the article, what the what Bill Wilson was trying to get across in the 164 pages is this idea of a conversion, the a conversion method, which which is all about a thing called a spiritual experience. And and I got to tell you guys, I mean, I'm just there's so many people in our fellowships are we get to speak all around the world guys. And I just, I, there's so many people that want to pick

just, they get lockjawed around that. Well, you could stay sober without the spiritual experience.

No, you can't. If you're the real alcoholic, the book says you can't. You'll understand. It's not that. It's not the little thumpers that are killing our fellowship. It's the middle of the road bastards out there who don't have to do anything but go to meetings to stay sober. And they're the ones who feel compelled very vocally to share their opinions with everybody

you follow. This is the confusion. I, I, I spent years in and out at seven years in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'd walk into the door, you know, and, and, and, and there'd be some people that'd be carrying some book or something like that. And there'd be some nice little guy we hear. And he said, listen, now you see that thing over there? That's a big book. Don't worry about that,

you know, you just need to go to 90 meetings in 90 days and downstream some time you can work the steps. I've just shot a bunch of dope and I've been drinking. I'm drinking in the truck. You know what I'm coming in. I'm trying to figure out how to not do that, you know, and, and this guy who seemed to be very well meaning told me that what I needed to do was sit and come to a bunch of meetings. So I'm going to get a sleeping bag and move into this club and I'm going to

drink your coffee until I'm until I until I acidify myself and date your women. And then about two weeks in,

no prettiest women on earth come to a a. I'm going to tell you that for a fact. But but, but, but I'm going to sit in these meetings. My MO is about two weeks you with us and I can stay sober on the drop of a dime. I'll just, you can hear me. But the brakes, you know, good looking woman like that. Chris, you're drinking is upsetting me. Honey, how did you? I was fixing to stop anyway. I mean, this must be God thing, you know, 'cause I'm done, you know, I'm so done and I can dump that stuff out in a heartbeat. So can you,

especially when this disease is early on. This is genetic in nature guys, and it's progressive.

We all don't come in here in the same spot in that progression. Early on I could quit for weeks, not no problem. I just couldn't stay quit. That's the pisser. Just don't drink and go to meetings and everything will be OK. I got the meeting, park down. It's the not drinking that I have a little problem with,

but I don't have a problem for a couple of weeks. You'll follow the pain of that last debacle laying out in the backyard, puking straight up. I I can cover my you know, I just push myself back into a meeting and and re establish some old friendships and I'll do everything OK for for for a few weeks

and then internally what takes place is again, nobody wants to seem to talk about it is untreated alcoholism begins to return. Big Book describes it as being irritable, restless and discontent. Fearful, depressed, bored. Y'all with us. Judgmental

feet pick me.

No sense of direction. How about that one? There's a great one in there that says have a feeling of uselessness. This low self esteem stuff. Guys, ask me when I'm drinking. I'm doing some dope or whatever. Ask me when I'm doing Ask me when I'm drinking. Chris, are you irritable, restless and discontent?

No. Having trouble in personal relationships? Absolutely not. In fact, I'm fixing to help you with yours right now.

Sit down, if you got some time, we'll talk. Oh my gosh. But you take me away. There's away from the booze. You with me for a few weeks. This internal stuff starts to come back and I start to come

undone

and I don't, I can't verbalize it. Guys. I'm in, I'm in my early 30s and I'm trying these experiments in sobriety and I can't verbalize. Oh my gosh, I'm two weeks over in the spiritualities come back and kicking my ass. I just don't know what it's not. It's just I'm just all of a sudden find myself internally very uncomfortable and I get blocked from the sunlight of the spirit and my little head says with me, nine times out of 10,

you you could probably smoke a joint

driving down the road. Look around. What? Who said that?

Yeah, it's just pot.

What are you, a pussy?

And then I smoked pot. You're with me. Don't like pot, Never like pot,

understand If you have it and I don't have anything else, I'll smoke your damn pot, but I'm not gonna go buy it. It's a for some of the I know some of y'all love that drug, but it's just a horrible drug for me. And so y'all heard me talk about horny and paranoid are not comfortable things to

that's why they talk about the drug of choice. I can drink a case of beer and go to work. I'll smoke a Roach in a car like that and just sit there for an hour just rubbing my eyes. You know,

I can't talk and I'd like to go talk to her, but I am, I'm, I'm not gonna because I'm 'cause I'm scared to death and I just, it's not a fun. But what happens is when I smoke pot, the craving, the same area of the brain that's affected by the alcohol, the craving kicks in and I'm off to the stupid races. You with me? I don't like the way this makes me feel. And three hours later, six hours later, I walk across the street, go to the store by a quart of beer, and I'm off to the races one more time.

What got me drunk,

OK, everybody says, well, the pot got you to. I understand that. But what got me drunk was the discomfort inside that caused me to want to go do it to begin with. This is what drives me crazy because people talk about going to meetings fixing the problem. And I got to tell you real quick, guys, going to meetings does not treat alcoholism. Probably the most controversial thing I say from the podium since I stopped saying the F word. I'm going to tell you going to meetings won't treat alcoholism.

It'll help in the process. It's a part of our three legacies. It's it's stuff we have to do,

but that's not what fixes us. Everybody believes the world out there, especially in the treatment center industry believes that if we can just not drink one stupid day at a time, you with us, that we'll be able to get to a spot where we can think through the drink and not ever touch it again. And yet Bill Wilson on page 24, we're going to talk about it first thing in the morning, clearly states you're not going to be able to remember the consequences of even a week or a month ago.

Y'all know what? I'll translate that for you in English.

That means you're not going to remember your own stupid war stories, much less mine.

Fear won't keep you sober. It might get you sober. It might motivate you to go to treatment and make some changes in your life, but it won't keep you sober because you can't bring to the forefront of your mind the fact that you're in trouble. Makes sense, guys. That's why we die. And I got to tell you, folks, I it would be nothing that I would like better to ever get up from a podium or in a workshop and never say anything that would go against anybody's. But I feel a duty to the real alcoholic that's dying out there, the real little doping that's dying out there.

This is the only hope he's going to get. But I'm going to walk around a little egg shells because I don't want to take a chance on offending somebody.

Wow.

Wow.

When did it become OK not to tell the newcomer how to get well?

Because we do it every day.

I grew up in a Hill Country and

I my father was a printer, He was an alcoholic himself. He's passed away.

Nicest guy you'd ever want to come across. He's just quiet alcoholic. My twin brother and I caught the bullet. My mother was not an alcoholic. I got two sisters that never had a problem. They just, they still freak us out today. We were laughing the other day. They they

my older sister was having a New Year's Day party. They cook out and they had some people and she handed me some money. She says here, go to the store and buy some beer for the party. And I'm years sober. It didn't bother me, I guess. No problem. I took she gave me a $20 bill, which I don't know the translator. This is not much damn money, you know, follow how many people are coming to this party. She's all 60 or 70 and I got a $20 bill.

How much do you want? Your, your Vala and I bought a 12 pack and it and they had three beers leftover, you know, and that's like I

yeah, this is like a whole new world for me. I mean, I, I don't know my little sister. I've, I've been out drinking with her 1000 times. She'd say the same thing back in the day when she'd drink some socially. She said, she said we'd go have a couple of drinks and she's time to go back to work. And I said, Lisa, you want another drink real quick, one more before we go back. She said no, no, no. I'm starting to feel it and I'm scratching my head. What are you talking about here? I what does that have to do with anything? I'm feeling it too.

Let's

let's drink another one. But she doesn't develop the phenomenal craving. She has a couple. She gets to a certain spot, she stops. You'll, you'll follow. We're raised in the same family, same issues, all the same stuff. You're down with us. No goofy stuff going on. And yet my twin brother and I caught the genetic bullet. It's no more complicated than that. I'm so sick and tired of the world pointing fingers at somebody else out there blaming them for their alcoholism.

Did they? Did they exacerbate it? Did they make it worse? Did they complicate our lives?

Absolutely. Should we shoot them? Probably,

but let's. But let's just kidding.

But let's come off this idea that my drinking is connected to them because I guarantee you that'll put you in a little cul-de-sac that you can't get out of.

It's just what happened to me for I was in the food business for years. I was a professional chef and I was pretty good talented and got accepted into great apprenticeship program in Houston and working with a bunch of Europeans and, and was pretty successful. They drank, I drank. We was a happy match made in heaven. You'll follow and and when it was working, there was no problem. But you know, if you drink enough, you do enough dope, sooner or later the stuff stops working. That's the problem. I got to tell you this. It's a news flash, if alcohol and drugs still work for you people,

this room would be empty.

And the sad part is, for some of you, it's still working. That's why you're having a difficult time with this. You don't think it's going to stop working and trust me, it will. The big book says it. Bopti, you drop. But I'm saying, Oh my gosh, you drink long enough and it'll get to be a real pain in the butt. And Bill Wilson talks about it. You can't imagine life living with it and you can't imagine life living without it. Y'all make sense?

I'm visualizing a house in the Hill Country over near where I work and there's a housewife that's there. I've met her before. I did a 12 step call on her before.

She's a nice little housewife who drinks vodka. She used to drink socially in the clubs around town. She was the nicest lady in the world. You with me? I can guarantee you this morning at 7:00 she had a cup of coffee with some vodka poured in it while she took care of her kids. She's not partying. She's trying to be the best mother she can be. She's just gotten to a spot where she needs to drink to do it. This is what the world out there doesn't understand. We don't have a choice whether we're going to drink, I'm going to drink or I'm going to come unglued at the seams.

That's the truth.

So I was pretty successful in that business and, and, but I'm uncomfortable inside. I'm coming apart and I start seeing doctors in the late 70s, early 80s for every disorder known to man. You know, it's great with a therapist in the United States. I don't know if they do it here, but everybody's got to come up with a new diagnosis. You know,

Chris, you're not an alcoholic, you're manic depressive. Rock on. What did that get me? Well, we have these medications, Chris. You know you're not manic depressive. You're borderline. What is that going to get me? You have an anxiety disorder. Heck, that ought to be good for something.

And you know, and before you know it, I'm taking handfuls of pills. You follow all of these pills, not all of them at many of these pills will also trigger the craving and lead me back. And so that's one of the reasons that I couldn't stay sober. The doctors should have known better and didn't. All of those symptoms of everything I just talked about, clinical depression, anxiety, all of those symptoms look surprisingly like untreated alcoholism.

And yet our first line of defense is always a pill. I'm not knocking that, folks. I'm not knocking medication. I am not a doctor. Don't hear me say that,

I'm just saying for me I was sorely misdiagnosed. I'm just a garden variety drunk who can't get well and those symptoms are kicking my butt. So the doctors are giving me the pills and I tried to get married to save my life. Any of you guys ever get married thinking that'll help?

And then I got a divorce thinking that would help.

I moved to the country thinking that would help and I moved back to the city thinking that'll help. And Oh my gosh, you know, I'm trying to change all of my external Henry. We were just talking about little issue, man, these little pins. We care. We're I'm, I'm going to try to change all my external stuff so I can be happy inside, you know, and I've seen it 1000 times. And the truth is buddy, you're going to be happy wherever you are.

I nearly died finding that out. Anyway, I'm in a a early 80s trying to stay sober and the people are killing me there with their stories. They're so afraid they're going to hurt my feelings. I need to say this from the podium. I don't think anybody out there ever tried to hurt me. Y'all understand that? The guy that told me just go to meetings and don't worry about those 12 steps. He wasn't trying to hurt me, he just didn't know any better. You with me. And inadvertently he was hurting me because I was the Real McCoy that needed the full potent medication.

Some of y'all heard me talk about it. It's like if a pharmaceutical company came out with a pill for ugly.

We could use it here, I can tell you,

but the pharmaceutical companies couldn't make any money on the pill for ugly because it's just not that many ugly people. You with me. There's a, there's a million homely people, but there's just not that many ugly people. So what do we do? We tamper with it with the with the way it's made. Water it down you with us so that it'll work for the homely people too. But the pill was made for uglies and now it won't work for the ugly people. Does that make sense? They're saying we're ever heading to places going like this. Where is he going with that?

This is what we did with A, A, A, A works 100% of the time.

If you're an alcoholic and an addict and you don't want to drink and drug anymore, you could work the 12 steps and I guarantee you, you will have a spiritual experience in your life will change. But we're so goddamn afraid of telling the newcomer that information you follow. We're so afraid that we're going to scare them out of the rooms by telling them the truth.

One of the biggest reasons we do that is that we have this idea that if you'll just sit here long enough, you'll pick it up by osmosis. But what happens when Chris Raymer sits here long enough? I get up in my little selfish and self-centered head and start coming up with a reason that I need to go out of here and drink you with me. Sooner or later you're going to say something that will offend me and I'll use that as an excuse to go out and get loaded there. This is a race, folks. If you're one of us, there's a there's a sense of urgency to finish this work.

How many people do we know out there? Guys that have been sober long periods of time? I've talked to some that I met

my first trip to Iceland. They're struggling with sobriety now. Why?

Because they simply stopped doing the work. They stopped doing the thing that got them sober to begin with. It's so easy to get complacent. Piece of cake.

That's the noose around our neck.

God says in the third step prayer that He's going to remove our difficulty so victory over those difficulties can bear witness. And what happens when God starts to remove our difficulties? What do we do Instead of going back into a meeting and pulling somebody with a vision of how cool life is going to be? You, you follow. We just stopped going to meetings.

Why do I need to go to meetings? How they haven't got a brand new car out there, got a nice house out on the lake and everything's COPO. Oh my gosh. And then two months later they're back in treatment. What the hell happened? Make sense? Untreated alcoholism

I

how seven years in and out of a A can't get sober. I don't own a big book and I don't have a sponsor you follow. Whose fault is that?

Mine. Did anybody tell me to get a sponsor and get a big book? Not one in seven years where I got sober. We didn't do big book stuff. We did open discussion meeting. Hell you with us. Who's got the topic? Oh, oh, shit. Pick me. Pick me. I got the topic. Oh, what is it? I'm having trouble with my wife. Let's talk about relationships. Oh, that's great.

Chris is back there in the back trying to detox in our rooms right here. We'd like to hear some hope about how to have a spiritual experience and never drink again. But I think we can spare like one hour just to talk about your relationship. We all have so much experience with that

God. It's probably not too successful relationships in the whole God damn room, but we can't stop talking about it.

Oh my gosh. Anyway, I can't get sober and 1987, I'm working for my twin brother up in North Texas and I've got a little efficiency apartment that my sister-in-law Co signed for me and which means I don't have any money or any credit. You're with us. I'm 35 years old and I've got about 30 lbs on me right up here in the front and I'm kidding. Damage and liver damage and I'm dying. I've been to treatment. I've been to the church,

I've been to a A, I've done 10 years of therapy.

I'm taking a handful of pills a day, trying to stay. Let you'll follow guys. I'm taking so many medications. I pee green.

It's like and I'm not and I'm and I'm not and I'm not staying sober on top of all that. So I mean I'm taking a chance with my life every day. And I even did we were laughing earlier. I even did colonics trying to stay sober. That's a big deal out in California too. You know, you want to stay sober. You got to purify your you know what colonics is? Oh my Arnold tell you later. I don't know.

It has to do with it. We've purifying your system and your butt. I don't. I'm not going to go,

but I gotta tell you guys, but I mean, you got to really want to stay sober. They say, well, Chris, every time I'd relapse to come back in and says, you say, well, Chris, he just didn't want it bad enough. And that's what we do with the newcomer. We don't tell him how to get well, but we watch him relapse and then blame them. Buddy, come on. I mean, do you remember how much courage it took to screw up your courage to come in the first time and maybe pick up a little desired chip or something and ask for some help? I mean, it was everything we could muster to do that. Don't throw that back in my face and say that I didn't want to do it. Of course we wanted to do it.

You didn't tell me how to get well.

You were as kind as could be, but the old expression goes like this. At what point does love and tolerance become apathy?

I'm just going to let him have his own experience. Just let him have his own experience.

I can just see some of your mothers out there with your little babies about the first time that they pull themselves out of that stroller and start running towards the street. We're just going to let him have his own experience.

No, you're not. You're going to grab the little guy by the neck and jerking back as fast as possible and you're not going to care if he's crying or pissed about it. You're going to save his little life. That's what we do in a A

we We don't sit there and watch somebody jump off a Cliff.

Give them the tools. If they want to go ahead and jump after that, then our hands are clean, but at least give them the tools.

Anyway. 87 I'm in a It's a cold November night, a lot like tonight and it's not this cold, but it's cold.

It's cold for Texas. And I and I walk in the back door of my little apt. I got a little deal in there and I'm, I'm, I got some return checks and I open those return checks and you know, here it is. I'm 35 years old and I'm broke again. Any y'all ever been there?

You know, I try to explain to people, you know, family members, they just think, well, sooner or later you're going to get tired of letting people down. You're, you're right. And our and our solution to that is we, we off ourselves or just give up. And that's what I did in 1987. It was a Thursday night and I got up for the from the floor and fed the ferrets and

watered a little Ivy that was half dead over there. I'll never forget. And I went to the medicine cabinet and took a couple of bottles of pills and tried to commit suicide.

Guys, I got a wonderful home and I'm I'm raised in a, in a, in a, in a religion, although I'm quite falling away. I was raised in a religion where that's not appropriate, it's not acceptable. And I'm so done with this thing called life. It's not even funny. I've told you I'm going to stop 1000 times. My daddy, he raised a good kid, an honorable man, truly great work ethics. But I've become something that I can't even.

And I took those pills and I swallowed them down. And about the time they hit my stomach, I'm looking at myself in the medicine cabinet mirror and I heard this voice that said don't do this. Go back to a A I've gotten emails from people all over the world who have heard the same voice. I don't know. It wasn't a thought. You should go back to a A It was a this was a this is a voice, same voice. I heard it three times that night. Don't do this. Go back to a a course. I'm arguing with a voice. I'm kicking the ferret cage to make sure that that is that. Are you you talking to me?

It's that it's that loud in my head and I, it freaks me out and I and I,

I because I don't want to go back to AAA. You could have said, shave your head, move to Africa, become a missionary,

got it done. Let's go. I'd start selling stuff tomorrow. I had no big deal. I'm willing to go to any length. I just don't know what that looks like and go back to a A. And I made myself sick that night. And I laid down on the side of the bed and conked out. And the next morning, I heard that voice one last time. And I got up, went to a doctor that morning, went to work. And it's 6:00. I went to a meeting I've never been to before. We're going to talk about this tomorrow in our little workshops. This little, this guy at 12 stepped me. Three years earlier, he'd taken me to a meeting,

come out of a blackout and I was scared to death. And I call this guy because I knew he was in in them a na thing. And he he came and picked me up and he said, let's go to this meeting. And I said no, I just I just can't. He said, he said, just for future reference, if you ever decide to go back to a meeting, go to this one because this is a nest of big book thumpers. I don't know if you have that translates with you guys, but that means that everybody's carrying big books and they're all working the steps. And and I made a mental note as I'm nodding my head. I'll never go in that room. I ever, you know,

is a bunch of zealots, religious zealots and the last thing I want to do, but I'm coming unglued guys. And it's 6:00 and I'm running late and I know I'm, I'm detoxing and I'm, I got a few hours lending me before this starts to get nasty. And so I go to this meeting and I got out of my old pickup truck and I walked in the back door of this a, a group up in North Texas. And sure enough, I walked in and first thing I noticed that everybody had a big book in front of their lap. You know, with us, that was back in the day, we could smoke. Everybody had 6 cigarettes in their mouth smoking.

We screwed it up in the United States and then we, we don't smoke in any meetings anymore because we messed it up. We couldn't, we could have smoked one cigarette and been OK, you know, but we had to die six all at once.

Like this shit. And I walked in and the ceilings dropping with the smoke and I'm kinda, I'm so self-conscious. I wish I could paint a picture. I just don't have the vocabulary. I, I am homely as hell. On a good day. You're with us. I mean, it's just the way it is. My first wife said you could have a $2000 Armani suit on it and still look like you came out of a dumpster

stick. 17 years of drinking and drugging on top of that, your father because I had been in dumpsters in Houston, TX and I'm walking into this place and I got the old clothes on I've been wearing for days and a little fruit of the loom T-shirt, you know, an old stained up and walked in and, and everybody's laughing and got him. I know they're laughing at me. I instinctively check my zipper. You know, y'all know how it is when you feel it's, it's all about me. You know, it's still to this day 22 years sober, it's all about me. Oh my God, it's a battle we have to fight that. That was the joke when I when I got sober was they say, Chris, we never knew

if you were wearing an eye patch or an ear muff.

It's a little

Samiha. They didn't get that. Let me just go to the chase. You ain't ever going to get laid that way, you know, Ever.

I don't care how much money you got. I got a big full beard like some of you guys, except they don't look as good and they got food in it, you know? And I'm just, I'm a wreck and I'm coming apart and I'm detoxing in this meeting you with me. And I walk about halfway in and my head does what it's done 1000 times. It's time to go. This was a good idea at 3:00 at 8:00 this morning, but at 6:00 now it's too much.

I'll come back Sunday when I feel better if Allah

and I took one step back and I stepped on this little girl's foot and this little young girl about 19 years old, just like some of you in here. It stuck her finger in my belt loop. She said sit down, cowboy. And she plopped me down in a chair

and yeah, and I'm like, and I am not a cowboy.

I may wear boots, but I don't know nothing about being a cowboy. And she said, sit down cowboy and and plop me down in a chair. And I mean, like, listen, guys, people get, I get emails all the time because it sounds like I'm knocking this. But this little girl wasn't an offense. Some little young adult meeting, talking about young adult things. You know, she was in mainstream a, a trying to help a damn drunk. And didn't matter that the that the attachments weren't the same. Her sponsor couldn't get to me. She was the old lady across the way. And she pointed to her and the little girl did exactly what she was supposed to do. She got between me and the door

stay. She knew I was going to leave.