The Crown Valley Sunday Night speaker meeting in Laguna Niguel, CA

I don't really share a bunch of war stories from the podium, so I'm not going to bore you with that. And if you have a war story, that's probably why you're here. That's why I'm here. I had one and

you know, the bottom line is I got here when I was a kid. I got here when I was 21 years old in 1985, December 28th, 1985, and

I just knew that I couldn't make it another New Year's Eve.

I was done. You know, I barely had six months of legal drinking, but I had

drank for a solid 10 years. I was raised in alcoholic household and pretty much what I knew. And I remember going to a A meetings early on because my father would drop me off on the steps and he would go in as he was a sober member of alcohols now. And it's for many, many years.

And I knew I didn't want to get here just from the, the looks of the people that were going in that are pretty scary in, in Chicago. And he used to go to the hardcore groups called the Mustard Seed down there. And at that time it was a very strange part of town. And you know, I did not look forward to going to a A meetings

when I got sober in 85. You know, I did what I was told to do, which was all the slogans, 90 meetings and 90 days. I spent six months in a recovery home.

Probably did 100 and 5200 meetings in those 90 days.

Got a sponsor. That sponsor is a most popular guy in the room. I

He probably sponsored 100 other guys

and

they didn't talk much about steps to me. I went to a lot of discussion meetings and I really didn't hear it or I didn't want to hear it and

I stayed sober.

Well, let me qualify that. I stayed dry for many years inside the program Alcoholics Mountains.

At that time it was very popular to be fellowshipping, which was the coffee afterwards and the and the camaraderie and get the numbers. And I was single, so I was interested in all the beautiful women that were in a A and I took opportunity to try and find as many phone numbers of them as I could.

And

but you know, I really didn't have the program Alcoholics Anonymous anywhere around me or in me. I avoided doing one of the most required things that I certainly found out is needed in order for me to

be sober, which is the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

You know, at 21, it didn't seem like, you know, I needed to have a God. You know, I was 21 years old and you feel like God,

you're living in a 21 year old body. But as the years went on and you know, I got into business and became very successful financially, you know, I certainly didn't need God. I didn't have a lot of friends in AA and I didn't want to give them up. I didn't want to give up multiple years of time

that I had acquired. My ego wasn't going to allow that. But around year seven, I was

newly married and I decided to leave my wife

for a lady in Alcoholics Anonymous. So I didn't have any steps in my life. I had what I call middle of the road meetings and I had a higher power, which I turned my will in my life over, to which her name was Meredith. And

that's a very dangerous thing that I did there. About year 8/8 and 1/2 I wanted to die.

It was plain and simple. I had no God.

I was dry as a bone and I heard in a meeting and I had gone to thousands of meetings by then. That

guy says sober is like being

supple. It's like being a tree. When the wind blows, you ebb and flow

with the wind and dry. It's like the same tree. But you're right, a snap at any time. And that was me. And I snapped all right. A lot of problems in business drove me, you know, a little bit naughty every day. And then compounded with my higher power wasn't cooperating with me at any time at all,

I didn't decide to go out and drink. I called on one of my friends in the program and simply said I wanted to kill myself,

which is exactly what I wanted to do.

The ego was preventing me from giving up the time and

the not having any step work or wanting to return to the steps or even try and work the steps in order to put God in my life. To to be able to have a a power greater than myself was not an option either and I ended up in a mental ward up in Fullerton for a couple days there and it was an interesting experience.

But

when I got out, you know, the psychiatrist had me on all kinds of hodgepodges of medications. You know, I don't even remember the names anymore. Back then they were lithium and all kinds of, you know, neat names for

depression, anxiety, you know, this and that. And

eventually what was required of me was I had to drink

or I thought I was going to die. I could not

relieve myself of my mental insanity with their drugs. I wasn't going to go to the program out of the ego to get it solved here. So I drank and I stayed out for almost 12 years and doing 12 years of research and development after having solid nine years,

great years, solid in the program or the fellowship

is a nasty deal. And, you know, I know some of us share that common experience, but

for me, it was so hard to get back to Alcoholics Anonymous. And you know, my sponsor out of Texas, Tommy P, he, he had experienced the same thing. He had 18 years of sobriety and he had gone out and for the very same reasons, almost identical, you know, he was going to meeting sharing, you know, I want to drink again. And, you know, they would tell him slogans like, you know, just take it till you make it or sit on your hands and, you know,

don't move or, you know, take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. And you know, all all those great slogans that I haven't read in the book yet, But

that's why I picked him as a sponsor. I had known him since I was 11 years old. And we used the same way. We were sober the same way. And finally, when he got back to program, Alcoholics noms, the real program, Alcoholics Anonymous, Inside the Big Book, he was saying things I never heard.

And

it was a new Tom. And that was what I wanted in my life. He had God, and I wanted God because there was no other way out. I was going to die.

So what happened to me was, you know, I, I stayed financially successful, but materially or emotionally and physically, I was pretty much done. I got back here when I was 43

and

I remember one night I was in my Home Office downstairs and

I was looking at two books on my bookshelf. One was Big Book Alcohols Anonymous they had for some 20 odd years. And the other one was Rick Warren's book and I forgot the name of the title of the book, Purpose Driven Life. And I was too chicken shit to take down the big book of A, A, A

I wanted to seek again another alternative to this deal and, you know, fill the hole that I could never fill with drugs and alcohol. And

I went up to the closest thing that I could find

to God in my house was my six year old daughter's room, and I got down my knees while she was sleeping. I prayed to God to get me here.

Next day I was here

and

I went into treatment because there was a, you know, I had other chemical issues, but and I didn't want that hard detox that I knew was coming. So I stayed in treatment for about two or three weeks and at the advice of my sponsor and a few other people in the program that had a a lot of time and B were working the program Alcoholics. Now on this, I left and I flew down to Dallas, TX

to where

I met a group that my sponsor was involved in, which is the primary purpose group of Dallas, TX. And there I heard everything that I've been looking for,

not only inside my life and inside Alcoholics Anonymous. I never found inside the meetings that I was attending,

and I heard that it was critical, very critical that I meet God as quickly as possible.

You know, I thought, you know,

you know, how am I going to find God? And then I started to realize, well, he ain't lost. You were. And, you know, we worked the steps in rapid fashion down there.

We did. We we went blasted through the steps in about four days, just night and day, night and day work. And

you know, there wasn't a whole lot of material I had in

working with the steps that I found difficult at all, I found very simple for me to do. And they were

very liberating for me and I had finally been able to

get a spiritual experience the, the one that I was looking for.

So that you know that at that, that juncture I knew that I, I got home,

I came home, you know, in October 27th of 2007, I was done for good and all. And I've been done for good and all.

Umm, I don't think about drinking anymore. The obsession left me at that day.

I believe that I worked the first step before I ever step back in the rooms.

My life is just an amazing deal. You know, I'm a father, I'm a husband. I,

you know, and I have moments today where just true bliss, true happiness, being free from, from alcohol. And I have

a profound, profound respect for those in the program that seek the steps and and seek the steps through God program, Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'll say this

that you know tonight Speaker is somebody that I truly respect.

I I had the opportunity to meet her when I first was new back again here. My sponsor introduced me to her

and you know that there's only one place in the big book, Al Cox noms that talks about the female alcoholic, page 33. And I thought that would be interesting. But the message that

I think we're gonna hear tonight is, is the same message that I've been listening to for almost two years straight. And, and I live, I live that message through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

You know, as far as Big Book is concerned, I'm not a big book dumper. I'm a big book maniac. Wherever I go, that book comes with me.

Wherever I'm going to get to, either I know I got a copy there or it's with me. But you know, my favorite page in the big book is page 63 paragraph one. And it just says basically, we had we had a new employer. And I can totally relate to that. God is my new employer and I turn my will and my life over to him is so easy to do because anything else that I do

is just I can feel going against the grain. I I have a wonderful life,

you know, from this program. The gift is amazing and

you know I am privileged to have been able to ask the lead tonight. So thank you very much.

At this time, I'd like to remind you to silence your cell phones is my pleasure to induce our speaker this evening. Her name is Angie by way of Dallas. Now Seal Beach

we're in.

Hi, I'm Angie with covered alcoholic

I I've been California now for gosh almost two years and I don't know when do you start calling yourself a Californian? How do you but I'm from Dallas, TX. My Home group is the primary purpose group in Dallas, TX. I also have a Home group here. It's the primary purpose group in Laguna Niguel. We have a big book study every Thursday night

at 7:30. So now we're welcome to join us there. It is a big book study. We study the book. The solution

to recover from a hopeless state of mind and body is only found in that book, and that's what we talk about. We talk about God, we talk about the steps, we talk about how to get well. We don't talk about our day and our outside issues. We've all got problems, and obviously our problems are important,

but that's not discussed in a meeting. We're there to help the newcomer, to give the newcomer hope. So that's what we do

and it's fantastic. It's a lot of fun.

We

welcome to the newcomers that are here. I want to say that right off the bat and and people that have not been to too many meetings yet. Maybe you're new to a A. It is a program that absolutely works when it's worked the way it's laid out in the books, the way they did it back in the day. Back in 1939, Bill Wilson

formed something fantastic.

It's a phenomenon. It's an incredible thing. I've heard a lot of people say I don't know how it works, but it works well. There's a whole chapter in the book titled How It Works. I know exactly how it works. I'm going to share with you some of my story. I'm not going to tell you too much about the crap that happened and how I drank and what I drank. And I mean we know how to drink. Y'all all know how to drink and use

did it vigorously

and that's how I work these steps vigorously. I drank rigorously. I wanted to get well and but so I'm not going to spend a lot of time doing that.

It's, it's not going to help the newcomer to hear all my stuff.

I it's, it's important. Our stories are important,

that experience is important when you're speaking to a newcomer one-on-one, or when you're speaking from the podium so people can relate. Yeah. But I really would like to share with you all what happened and what I'm like now.

I first of all, I introduced myself as a recovered alcoholic. Thank God we get to recover. My book tells me that I get to recover. My book tells me to introduce myself as a recovered alcoholic. A lot of people here cured when I say recover, and that's not what I'm saying.

I'm not cured of alcoholism, but I have been restored to sanity. I'm not crazy when it comes to alcohol anymore. The obsession has been removed as a result of taking these steps. I had a spiritual experience and that obsession has been removed. Can it come back? Yeah. If I don't keep doing steps 1011 and 12 and doing God's will and helping other other drunks, other Alcoholics, I can absolutely get sick again. I have a daily reprieve,

then it's based on my spiritual condition and what I do on a daily basis.

But the fact that that we get to recover. Oh gosh, I was in a A4 and this is a huge part of my story because I was at a A for 7-8 years chronic relapser. I mean, crazy, insane. I don't know how many desired chips I have probably have. I don't have them anymore. I don't know where they went, but I don't know over 100, you know, just not able to stay sober. So I haven't experienced with mainstream a a going to meetings, meeting makers make it not true. My book doesn't say that

I was making meetings, and I certainly was not making it. Meetings do not keep you sober. Meetings are good. Good meetings are good. They don't keep you sober. I have that experience. And then getting so sick and so ill that the only thing that was going to help me was getting physically separated from the alcohol and going to treatment. That's where I heard the truth about alcoholism. And then on the other side, I got to experience a A, the way it was meant to be done, The real program of Alcoholics Anonymous and life

fantastic today. It's totally different, totally different. I hated AAI thought a a sucked. I thought everybody in the rooms that said they were sober four years, five year. I know you were lying and if you weren't lying, I thought, okay, maybe, but that's not going to work for me. How could that possibly work for me? I saw the steps on the wall and the tradition on the wall and I didn't I really didn't know what they meant. So I'm going to

tell you a little bit about myself, mostly what happened,

what I did and where I got help and how the truth was told to me and what life is like now. What I'm like now came from a great family. You know, we don't have to be from horrible, dysfunctional, crazy, and a lot of us are crazy families. But I came from a very loving family, a very good household, not a lot of

crazy stuff going on. Probably the the most traumatic if you want to call traumatic thing. My parents got divorced when I was sick 6.

And when I was sick to when I was six and they, you know, that was really hard that I mean, whose parents aren't divorced today, but that, but that was a tough thing. And I and I didn't get it and I didn't understand it and it was emotionally hard. But that's not what caused my alcoholism. A lot of us have a lot of stuff that happened in our childhood, in our young teen years. It is not what caused our alcoholism. That's what the doctor's opinion tells me.

Does it exacerbate the problem?

Absolutely. Does it make it worse? Yeah, it can, But it's not what caused it. Alcoholism is not causal. So

I got to learn that later on. I spent a lot of years blaming Dad. He only would have stayed. I wouldn't be so needy and I wouldn't be so insecure and I wouldn't need to drink and I wouldn't have become an alcoholic. It's just not true. I had my first drink at age 13. I split one beer with, oh, I'm a 7-6 or seven girls

at a slumber party and what is that? Like 1 1/2 drinks each. And we thought we were wasted and it was fun and it was no big deal. That was my first intake of alcohol. Next, started drinking maybe around 16 a little bit, not anything crazy, just partying a little bit, you know, like normal teenagers do underage. But

I get, I think that probably when I was about 22 is when I really started drinking

to feel better. I felt different. I felt really in fear of everything and drinking seemed to help. It seemed like when I drank, I could be really funny or I thought I was.

I could dance. I could I, I felt smarter. I felt as good as. I didn't feel better, but I felt as good as and I felt powerful. So I kept doing it. I mean, alcohol is our solution for a long, long time. That's why we do it. That's why we keep doing it.

It stops working. We cross that line and we can't go back. But it's as simple as that. That's why we keep doing it because it, it is our solution. You take that away from an alcoholic, full blown alcoholic, real deal alcoholic. We get worse. You know we don't. At least I did. I I got worse,

started doing a lot of drugs too. But when I decided to quit drugs, I quit. I didn't need 12 step program. It got really expensive.

The depression sucked. I I was just done and I and I never looked back. Alcohol, I could not do that. Alcohol brought me to my knees. Alcohol I had to have that could not stop. I just party a lot. I, I started to lose jobs. I was not one of these people that could wake up in the morning and and go to work with a hangover

and toughen it out. I was like, forget it, I'll get another job. It wasn't that important anyway. So I had like, I don't know, 2027 waitress jobs in my in my early 20s, couldn't do it. I still don't get those people that can do that. Good for you, but I can't. Hopefully you're not in here,

but I couldn't do that at losing jobs, losing some friends, people kind of starting to be a little bit concerned. I noticed I started, but I didn't think I was an alcoholic. You know, Alcoholics are crazy. Uncle Robert who beats his wife and you know, that's not me. That's, that's scary stuff.

But I was drinking now pretty much to get drunk. I was always getting drunk. It wasn't just a couple. I, I would have some drinks before I went out so I could actually go out, you know, to get the courage to go out and then I wouldn't remember the whole night. So that's, you know, I, I noticed I was drinking a little bit weird and then I started hiding alcohol and I, I lived by myself, so, and I was hiding it. And I know,

I know normal drinkers don't do that. I picked up on that, started kind of measuring alcohol to make sure I didn't, you know, have half a cup, half a cup, OK, half a cup more to try to make sure I didn't overdo. And I started writing myself little notes. Don't pick up the phone once you start drinking, You know, don't.

No drinking before 8:00. I had little sticky notes around my place. You know, just normal people don't do this stuff.

The DWI is all that kind of stuff, which still does not. It doesn't make me an alcoholic because I've got DWI. I know a lot of people, they're alcoholic, they don't have any

non alcoholic.

They get them too. They just got caught

drinking in the mornings, that kind of stuff. But alcoholic? No, I just really like to party. That's what I'm thinking. But after you get a couple DWI you are told to go to AA. You are sent there as punishment I guess.

And I started going to a, A and I went to a group in Lewisville, TX and I heard a lot of war stories

and I could not relate. I heard about so and so going to prison and I heard about so and so's. I mean, seriously, cat, the operation their cat was going to have and how angry this person was that their mother-in-law and that and all this stuff. And I, I didn't really, I felt better because I didn't have those problems, but I didn't get it. I, I really thought, OK, it's just therapy. We just go in and we just talk about our stuff and our day and, and we leave. But what was going on with me?

I wouldn't, I wasn't over a certain amount of time, I'd feel better. And then I would start getting a little bit crazy again. I start getting nearly irritable and I'd start thinking about drinking again and, and, and I would go home after meetings and I would mark off on the calendar with a big red another day. And I made it another day. I didn't drink today. I

and it was just, it wasn't fun, you know, Oh my gosh, I got to do this for the rest of my life. Go to meetings every day and I and I was hearing 90 and 90. Fake it till you make it.

Only about you guys. But I've been faking it. This is a program of honesty, right? It's a program of honesty and I've been faking it all my life and I'm lying to people I don't want to fake. How do you fake happiness? I mean, maybe you can fake it for a while, but eventually we're supposed to make it.

But I but I believe that, you know, just put on the big smile, you know? Yeah, everything's great when it's really not. It's really not. I can't wait to drink again, but I'm just going to sit on my hands so I don't,

I've got a disease, you know, and I was going to drink no matter what, but I didn't get that. Then I, I thought, if I just go to enough meetings, I sit in enough meetings, I'll get it. And people told me that you will catch it. Just keep coming back. You'll catch it. Okay,

I, I really wasn't catching it. Eventually I would pretty much just say, screw this. I'm thirsty, you know, and I'd go drink and

I would just be told by the sponsor that I had, well, you need to just double up on your meetings.

And we started working the steps and we, she told me to take, you know, we're going to take our time through, through work in these steps. And basically the next Long story short, the next five years, I'm going in and out of a a I'm going in and out and getting your sponsor. I'm doing step one and two. I'm relapsing. I'm going to another group. I'm getting another. I'm too embarrassed to go back to that group and get my 8th desired ship. So I'm going to go to this other group and pretend like that, you know, and it's, and then I say, screw a a it doesn't work. And I don't go for a year and I try to manage myself and I read self help books and I go to therapy and I move and I get rid of the

friend and nothing works. All that outside stuff I think is going to fix if I can just get that good job. If I can just,

and, and, and that wasn't going to work. I did not understand that what was going on. The problem I had was a disease, yes, but it was internal. It was a it was a malady that I had a spiritual malady going on.

I, I,

after 7-8 years of of 1-2 relapse, 123 relapse,

a constantly thinking about drinking, constantly wanting to drink, constantly thinking, okay, I will just try again. I'll just try again. This is just, and I remember saying to myself, this was the last going to be like, I'm just going to have every every three weeks, I'm just going to have a big relapse and I'm just going to have to detox, you know, relapse for like four or five, seven, 6-7 days,

detox for a couple days and then feel good for about two or three weeks and then do it again. Do it. That's just my life. And I remember my my

fiance at the time I told him that I said you either take it or leave it. But this is the way it's going to because I cannot quit drinking an A doesn't work.

Umm, I got really, really sick over the years. I'll just jump to that. I got really, really, really sick

and I'm sure you guys can relate the, the heart pounding out of your chest. The I never went to the hospital to detox because I was too embarrassed and I was too afraid. I didn't, I didn't know how dangerous it was that he talks at home. So it's really amazing that I made it through.

I was, it was suggested that I get a treatment and I was like, no way. That would mean I was really sick. That would mean I was. That's really screwed up people.

But I remember being really, really drunk and my husband sat me down and he just grabbed my hand and he started crying and he said just please go. And I don't even remember saying yes

sounds straight. It's not, it's not strange. It's absolutely wonderful. But our it was almost like somebody else said yes for him isn't like God said go and I just said yes. And so I went. I said as long as I can drink on the way, if I can drink on the way there, it's a six hour drive, then I'll go. And his my in-laws came over and they would not leave like for five hours. They were sitting there reading the paper and they would not leave,

but I knew that that was what I what I had to do. I kind of skipped over a couple things I really want to point out. I think they're really important.

Um,

we think that it's all this other stuff that's making up.

Y'all heard a trigger lists? I'm sure I kind of lived by a trigger list. And I wrote down and wrote down all these things that that triggered me. The friggin phone ringing I thought triggered me. And I remember my husband would come home from war, from work or golf and I was always drunk. And he would ask what happened this time. And I said, well, Grandma Martha called and she's really depressed and not feeling good. And I felt really bad and I started missing her. And so I drank. And every time he came home, I

have a different reason. And The thing is, I really believed it. I really believe that that's I got depressed and I drank so and so-called. And I, I saw a green car and I remember I threw up one time in a green car and I got really angry and I drank. I mean, really, that was one of my

And that's just not true. Nothing that happens, even someone dying, even the loss of a job. That's not why we drink.

We drink because we have

we're sick up here. The the problem lies in our mind and we have to get that clear out. We have to get that cleaned up. We have to get that fixed.

So so all these excuses that we have when somebody goes out and relapses and they come back and they say, well, it was because of this or my husband and I got in this big fight. I called bull crap.

Have you worked the steps? What step are you on? And usually it's I'm, I'm, I'm working on Step 4,

I'm stuck on step four or I'm stuck on step 6. And when we say we're stuck on a step, it really means we're not doing it. That's what that means. We're not doing it.

And and I said that a million times. I said it a million times.

I I couldn't get out of bed unless I had a drink. I couldn't get out of bed

to brush my teeth. And once I had a drink, I had bottles. I had liquor in my shampoo bottles, I had beer in the doghouse. I was drinking cooking Sherry and red wine vinegar. When there was nothing left in the house I was.

I snuck through my neighbors doggy door one time at 7:00 in the morning to get beer out of their fridge. I was getting pretty bad.

I remember walking up the stairs one time and I had a bottle, 2 bottles and it was like I was on a 14 day drinking binge. I hadn't had no idea what day it was and I had two bottles of wine in my hands. I remember looking to the left and looking to the right

and looking straight ahead to the bedroom and thinking, where the heck am I going to hide? I have, I have exhausted all my hiding places, the attic behind, the curtains behind. I mean, my husband is going to find, he's going to, he's going to find him. What's what's even the point, you know? But I'm still trying to hide after seven, you know, I'm still trying to hide my alcohol.

And my point in telling all that is just how bad it how bad it got

winter treatment, a very, very sick. And I heard for the first time some things in this big book. I had three big books and I never knew there was a doctor's opinion in it. The seven years I was in a a It's unbelievable. It's really sad and it's embarrassing and it's unbelievable. And I go to a lot of meetings where there's no books and it

straight up pisses me off.

It pisses me off. What are we doing? What are we doing in the meetings? You know,

I heard at this treatment center a wonderful, wonderful man who was not afraid to tell me the truth and who loved me enough to tell me the truth, told me about the doctor's opinion, told me about the physical allergy, told me about the mental obsession, spiritual malady, all that stuff.

Told me about pages one through 43 Heavy drinkers. Not, you know, if you're not sure you're an alcoholic, Here's the things that you can do to actually, Bill Wilson suggests it. If you don't know, you need to. You need to find out or you're not going to take this work seriously.

Go try some control drinking. People get so mad when I say it. I'm like, argue with the book, not me. Bill Wilson suggests it. I'm not encouraging anybody, but don't you want to know? If you don't have to be here, why would you be here? If we're really, really honest with ourselves, we know, and I knew

he, this man at my treatment center, he took me to page 24. And I had never heard this before. And I've got to share this. I, I always have to share this because this opened my eyes and it was the first sense of hope that I got in years. On page 24 in italics, which means it's probably pretty important, it says, the fact is that Angie put my name in here. I crossed out most Alcoholics and put my name in here. Angie, for reasons yet obscure, has lost the power of choice.

And drink,

I thought in the mornings when I woke up

and swore to myself in the mirror, I'm done, I'm not doing this anymore. And an hour later I'm drinking again. I thought I changed my mind.

My book, my textbook of Alcoholics Anonymous says I went so far and crossed that line in alcoholism that I lost that power to choose. So I didn't have a choice. I drank no matter what. You guys relate to that. You, you drink no matter what. Like even when you don't want to, sometimes you swear it off, swear it off, swear it off. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it, OK? And you do it, you know, maybe 10 minutes later, maybe two days later. But we always end up doing it again. Lost the power of choice. Our so-called willpower becomes practically

non existent. Tell me right there in black and white, it's not about willpower. Our loved ones, bless their hearts, the non alcoholic loved ones think it is. They just don't understand and they don't have to understand all I got to understand it. It's not about willpower. If it was, Oh my gosh, wouldn't we have done it a long time ago? Wouldn't we have stopped a long time ago? It was about willpower. It'd be great. If it was about willpower, shoot, it'd be great.

We are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.

We're without defense against the first drink. I have no defense. I drink no matter what. I am beyond human aid. I drank when, you know, Saturday night, midnight, Tuesday morning, 7:00 AM. Doctor Phil sucks today. I'm going to drink. Oprah's good. I'm going to. I mean, whatever, no matter what,

I can remember being

in jail on laying on the cell, the cell floor, and I remember it stunk. And I remember I had a A roll of toilet paper behind my head that I used as a pillow. And I remember it was crowded and I remember I was scared and all that stuff.

But a week later I am drinking and driving again,

because

at certain times I cannot bring into my consciousness with sufficient force the memory and the suffering of the humiliation of week or a month ago. It is not that memory is not strong enough to keep me away from that next drink. And I have proved that to myself over and over and over again. I'm going to remember I was in jail. I am not going to be able to bring it. It's not going to be strong enough.

That made a lot of sense to me to know that I've lost the power of choice. To know that I'm without defense actually gave me hope

Right across on the other side of the page, on page 25, right across from that paragraph, it says there is a solution. And that that also gave me hope. It's like I'm screwed, but there's a solution. Now I gotta do the solution. Forget everything I I thought I knew in a a from from mainstream A A. Fake it till you make it 90 and 90.

I wish we could start saying 12:00 and 12:00. I wish that people would start saying 12 steps in 12 days. That would be awesome.

That's more like the truth.

This was huge to me to learn that I had lost the power of choice. What a relief I get out of treatment. I remember saying to a guy about a week before I actually got out of treatment. I remember I had all this knowledge. I knew about the steps. I knew how important it was to follow the steps the way they were in the book. I knew that I knew now that I could recover. I wouldn't always be recovering and always be sick. God bless.

I always be, always be regarding and I hear people with 15 years say I'm recovering. I'm like

still working the steps. When I'm working the steps, I'm still recovering, sure, but the book promised me, promises me that and there's ten step promises what that promises me that I'm going to recover and I'm not going to be sick anymore.

I remember telling my friend sitting across on a picnic table, I'm going to drink again. This is a treatment. I'm out in a week. I know I'm going to drink again. I have all this knowledge. I know this book now pretty pretty well. I know the truth. I know what's wrong with me. I know what the solution is. I know to work these steps in a timely manner, to be thorough and honest. I know when I get out of here to get a sponsor and get on that work. And steps one and two are questions, and they don't take a month to do.

And if you're taking a month to do step one, that's date very dangerous.

As long as we understand the question, we can get there.

But I told him I'm going to drink. I know I'm going to drink

because I hadn't taken any action. All this knowledge the book talks about knowledge isn't going to fix it. All this knowledge, no action.

I got out of treatment, got a sponsor, went to the primary purpose group in Dallas, TX, and I walked in there and nobody was talking about how crappy their day was. And nobody was talking about how angry they were. And nobody was talking about how they wanted to drink. And nobody was talking about how they're just hanging on. One day at a time. My book says that we get to live life one day at a time.

They were studying the big book. They were laughing. They were there was a big list on this bulletin board of 50 different hospitals that they were carrying the message at. I'm sorry, not 50 different, different places, but 50 different opportunities. Some of them were the same hospital, 50 different opportunities. And people were like signing up. Oh my gosh, I want to, Oh my God, can I go with you and to go carry the message to talk to the patients there to step 12 work. I couldn't believe it.

I was amazed. They were, yes, happy, yes, delightful. Most of all, they were free. You could see it. You could see the difference in a discussion meeting in this group that were actually taken action and doing this deal and and and and living life. They weren't sitting on their butts, you know,

doing nothing. They were helping others. They were all sponsoring people.

And I went to this meeting and I just really, I really got into it and I was, I remember being really, really scared. But but my sponsor said, Are you ready to do this? Are you done? If you're not, that's fine, but go get done and come back when you are. And don't balk at anything I tell you to do. And if you do, you need to go find somebody else to work with because I'm not going to work with somebody that's not willing to do the work. And I thought she was rude

and I thought she was a big no