Steps 10 and 11 at the Stateline Retreat in Primm, NV

Good morning. I'm Sharon, Korean alcoholic.

It sure is nice to be here. Thank you, Bob. Putting this on another year,

I had permission to take one meeting off, but I was having such fun, having such a wonderful time. And thank you to Kim and Kevin and and everybody else who I love in this room. There's so many people in here. I absolutely know their hearts. I know their lives. I respect. You're the kind of people I'd like to hang out with. The ones that aren't,

you know, they're not like sitting there in a big book, reading their big book in the, you know, in their bathroom all alone. And then, you know, going out into the world trying to be useful.

We we were bonding together, remembering like we're the the survivors of the shipwreck

and how lucky we are. And, you know, you're the doers, you're the action people, the ones that I trudged the road with. And you don't, you know, just follow the glimmer of your own little candle. You know, it's a bigger picture for us. And, and I'm really grateful to be around a lot of people with a lot of time. And there are some newer people here too, I've met. So I want to welcome you and hope you had a wonderful weekend and just soak it up. And

if you're like mean, it was like, you know, kind of like what my dog cares. Wah wah, wah, wah, wah what? I'm talking to her, giving her commands. She hears Wawa. But when I was new, that's what I heard, you know? And now

I am so full that I have no choice but to let it flow out.

So Alcoholics Anonymous has changed me in every single way.

I I like that Clancy called this book, you know, a recipe. He talks about it a lot, how if you don't cook the food, you'll starve to death. I like to believe I was in Campfire Girls when I was a little girl. So I like to believe that it's a guy

for me. I know my friend Sandy talks about the big book being the treasure map. It's not the treasure, but it's the treasure map. And if you follow its instructions, you will find the treasure where you will have an awakening as a result of the steps.

So it's been great. I broke down a few things that the other speakers had said because, you know, Charlie lobbed it up. And when I was in my sobriety, I, I played softball, sober softball. And my coach, Vince, yo, God bless him,

used to make us all sit in batting order. He was, you know, quite the little tyrant at 7:00 AM breakfast, you know, where we could hardly look at our food, let alone eat. And we had a sitting batting order, and we had to be suited up. And, you know, it was very structured, but we had a terrific team and a lot of fun.

Silver softball was a lot of fun. And I, I was called base hit Barker. That was my name before Crane. So he always put me on 1st. I was always a leadoff hitter because no matter what I would get on base. I don't care if I had to knock into you and have the ball roll out or, you know, just run like heck to get there. And you know, but I, I got on base to base it Barker get on there. So I'm hoping to hit a base

today because Charlie lobbed it up. But you know, he talked about the skybox view. I love that. But and my head goes, but we got to remember to go down and sit with the guys in the stadium. You know, we got to remember to go down and sit and look at a few other ones that are there going, where's the other view? You know,

get the beer and the popcorn and the hot dogs and the mustard all over you. We got to go down and find them and bring them up and show them. Look at this is the new view. And that excites me.

I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty working with somebody. I'm not afraid to, you know, as you know, Larry said. You know, make the coffee

cookie Girl, whatever. I love being cookie Girl. It gave me a lot of power.

I remember I was mad at Clint once because he yelled at me because I think I spilled coffee on him or something, but I thought he was not being a very spiritual old timer. So I was cookie girl at Sunday night Ohio St. and Clint's favorite cookie, the Fig Newtons. They were just out at the store

for about a month until I forgave him.

So commitments are powerful

since lack of power is our dilemma. But I like to. I also liken to going out and finding newcomers like fly fishing and I have a couple of fly fishing friends. I don't, I mean, they spend a ton of money on gear. I don't know what they do, but those come back empty handed because it's catch and release.

But we're much like the fly fisherman and Gary talked about it last night. We're flat. We're flat and Alcoholics Anonymous. I can't even remember the last time I got a 12 step call from our central office. I got an insomniac and they gave my home number to her. That was interesting. Finally, about the third night at 2:00 AM, I said you want to go to a meeting? We got to get you to a meeting. She said no, I'm an insomniac, I just want to talk. And I was like lose my number please.

But I found them through work. I found them from being out into the world, being an example, trying to

have a conscious contact with a God. So I have that intuition, know when to break my anonymity, what not to break my anonymity. That was always such a big struggle for makers in the workplace. I am anonymous.

I work around a lot of people that would just love to have that edge over me. And

I'm just a worker among workers that feels terrific. But you know, once in a while we snag one. But the fly fishing, a lot of times they just go by. I mean, the, the stream of alcoholism, they are just

swimming by and they are just being pulled by the current by we are losing so many. Behind every one of those fish, every one of those ones we lose. There's a mother, there's a father, there's a brother, there's a child, there's an aunt, there's a friend. We're about saving lives here. It's a huge responsibility. Now I have to keep myself fit. As 10 and 11 talks about, I have to keep myself humble. I have to keep myself in God's

grace. That takes work, keeping me fit. Daily, daily work. But you know, every once in awhile we snag one and it feels so good.

And it's not catch and release. It's catch and pull them in with the net and get them to a meeting and see what happens. And, you know, Clancy talked. I love this. My sponsor Clancy talked about when he was with Bill Wilson, he couldn't shut up. You know, he just talked and talked and talked about himself. He had this wonderful opportunity to meet Wilson. And my sponsor does have feet of clay. He is. And he's not afraid to tell us. And I admire that with somebody who's 51 years sober

and still out in the world with a lilt in his eye and a, you know, energy and a step for Alcoholics Anonymous because I, I did time drinking in the bars. It felt like doing time when alcohol wasn't working anymore. And I don't do time here I am in the flow of life. I am. Kelly talked about keeping a clean house and

I'm married now, so things are a little different than when you live alone,

but but there's certain things I like in order to be able to quiet my heart and my mind and go out into the world in my house. And, and God doesn't like a cluttered house. So that's my 10th step. Every morning I've got it, or every night I've got to do my 10th step at night and I've got to do my 11th step in the morning so that I can have a clean house to have some sort of conscious contact.

Polly talked about outgrowing fear and the Blue Ribbon Babies.

I like that a lot.

I don't have any blue ribbons, but they're all, a lot of them are out there. The link in the chain. I have to worry about my link and who's hooking up with me. I can give them my experience, strength and hope and that's it. And that's powerful stuff, the language of the heart. But she also talked about we like the

I wrote that down. We all like the in life. So I definitely will take that one home. And Larry talked about getting to know your defects and they're going to be riding shotgun with you the rest of your life. So don't feed them, starve them, send them in the back seat, put them in the back of the truck, let them get wind blown, maybe want to fall out,

you know? Then you go down the road of life and there it is, hitchhiking. You feel sorry and pick it back up again. You know,

I had a bus driver. I grew up in Iowa, which was my first resentment, but

we had a bus driver. I was picked up at the corner at the Cedar River Road and Hwy. 1 every school day by Laverne Herbs. We had the same bus driver with the yellow school bus every single day of school for years, and my dad would always take a little movie camera picture of us going out the door on the first day of school and we'd have to hold the big calendar with the day circled.

Well, actually, Nancy, my older sister, the Mensa, she got to hold it.

And then there's me with the glasses, with the Plaid glasses, with the cat eyes,

with my hair, all funny and I'm gawky and long necked and I'm trying to dart away from the camera. And then there's Sally, my younger sister with the ponytail. I always had short permed hair and Sally had the ponytail and the horse. She got the horse. And then there's my little brother, the carrying on the family name. So I come from this great family, non alcoholic, but my dad would take this picture. We'd go out every year. And we looked at these movies later on, and it's hilarious to see our transitions as we're growing up.

But he would always take the camera to the school bus. And there's Laverne Herbs in the front seat with his Oshkosh on driving the bus. And up by Laverne, you see a stack of comic books. He always had comic books right in the front by him. And you know, there was always a nice seat right behind him where you could see really well as the bus was going down the road. But me, the alcoholic, before I even had a drink,

I had to just check in the back of the bus. I just go back there and see if those defects were still there. I still had to go back there and see, you know,

Billy Lange and Roger Pitlick and Keith Birds. And were they still back there? Yes, I go back there and make sure that they could still put gum in my hair. They could still still my food and tell me there's no Santa Claus. And every year I would think it's going to be different. I'll go back there. One of them will be nice to me. But every year I go in the back and sit with my defects of character. And

you know, the school bus does have that emergency thing, so maybe every once in a while one would fall out,

but Laverne would pick it up. But sitting up by Laverne in the front, you had heat, you had juice, you had comic books, you had a good view, you had a little radio. And that's my guy driving the bus. I got let my guy drive the bus. I'm going to sit up front with my God where I'm taken care of, having a good time even in the tough spots of life.

After having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I have joy. There's something in me called joy that I hadn't had before. I had a spiritual awakening when I drank alcohol. I had. I grew up really fast with the alcohol in my life.

I made a lot of broken hearts in my family, being the only alcoholic, not knowing what happened to Sharon. What's wrong with daughter #2 cutting your wrists,

dropping out of school, giving up her art talent? Alcohol asked for my dignity, I paid. Alcohol asked for my musical ability, I paid. Alcohol became king of my life and my family broke their hearts. They had no idea what was wrong with me.

I got silver on August 20th, 1975 after drinking pretty regularly from 14 to I just had turned 26 and I was an old tired soul when I got here. An ember of life. That was what was left. And all it would have taken was one more little event where I would put myself in harm's way to extinguish that amber.

But instead, Gary talked about it last night. Being in the car,

you know, with the newcomer locks.

I in a in a God-given day of grace. I had nothing to do with it other than I just followed the next breadcrumb that was laid out for me that morning.

I called somebody I knew who could help me because I had nowhere to go. My jaw had been broken in three places. I was a victim of violent crime. I had been in the hospital for two weeks. I am drinking alcohol through the wires on the mouth where the tooth had been kicked out.

Cheap red wine, staying with this guy, having to go to court and I was tired the morning he tapped me on the shoulder and said you have to leave. You're depressing me.

I thought I had nowhere to go and I called a phone number which was sitting there. She wasn't sober that day, but she was an in and out member of Alcoholics and mom. She knew what had happened to me. She knew my drinking. She said, I know you need to call this woman, Suzanne. I called a stranger and asked for help. I don't do that.

Suzanne sent her newcomers over to get me with her yellow Volkswagen and no windows that rolled down in the back and no doors.

So I was back there going to, I don't know where, a church maybe where they were going to give me some sanctity for a while. A church where maybe they were going to let me stay and give me some clothes, give me, you know, something liquid I could eat. Three months. I was wired shut. I couldn't talk. I had to learn to listen in Alcoholics Anonymous. It was a blessing in disguise

and that's how I got here, a moment of grace that Polly talked about, that grace. It was very much an unearned gift that day. And that was my day, August 20th, 1975 and I will never forget that day

because it had nothing to do with me. And if God can remove

the obsession for alcohol and get meat, Alcoholics Anonymous, the guy that I found in Alcoholics Anonymous, is powerful enough to give me everything I need in life. God has already handled it. God has already handled it. Much like Bill, I have stepped from bridge to shore here. The conscious contact I have with my higher power has come through the steps. The consciousness has come through

waking up, waking up to life, making a decision

to believe in a God that loves me. A higher power beacons moving than was my first God. Because it made sense. Because I had a sponsor louder than my head. I've always had a sponsor louder than my head. Thank goodness I do. Because much of the time, sometimes my head will wake me up. Much like a vulture. It's fed, ready to go. You know, it's, we've been thinking about you. We've been talking about you. Get up, you know?

So I'm glad I have a place to go and quiet myself. I'm glad I have a sponsor louder than my head

and Janet said to me the night that I got beacons moving Van as my first higher power because I am a fallen away Catholic God and I had a big fight with a priest in a church in Cedar Rapids, IA. I shook my fist and said goodbye God. Now, other than being a crisis Christian at certain times when you know, you're hitchhiking and they're weird and they have shotguns and things like that, you know, God, if you Get Me Out of this one, you know, I'm definitely a crisis Christian in situations. But

Janet walked by me. I was standing by my boy meets girl on a a campus and we were talking to newcomers and

they were talking about tube tops. Janet used to wear tube tops, you know, and short shorts and spring later shoes. And her two top would be like orange and her little shorts would be like satin green and her nails would be like pink. And I could always find her in the room. That was a good thing because she glowed

and she walked by me. She put her hands on her hips and stood there and said, listen to us talking to the newcomers. And she said, you know what, Sharon? You better get your own higher power. You're going to get drunk.

I was like, Janet, come on, give me some clout. There's new people here, you know, and she she said, well, I said, and I saw beacons van across the street parked out from our Thursday night meeting. I said, that's my new higher power. Janet, look at beacons moving down. I wanted to make her mad when she just listened to my analogy about how God got me where I needed to go, like a big moving van and beacon of light, even spelled differently. And wrap me in a blanket. And,

you know, I got a little knob off the Bureau and we're scratched and, you know, the furniture is a little worn. But we got to a A and all the newcomers are. Yeah, I like that, you know, And Janet looks at me and she's got her hands on her head. She said good, as long as it's not you. And click plopped away

and I just thought, oh, I'll pray to Beacons the rest of my life, you know, And

it started me on a road. And the beautiful thing about that is I've shared it many times. So probably this week I'll get a call from somebody going. I just saw a Beacons van. How are you? I'm thinking about you, you know, We connect in the oddest ways, you know?

Oh, that's right. That's right. You were a crack whore. Let me have this girl call that girl, you know? I mean, that's the way it is. We connect, you know? We connect. Our stories connect us.

Frank talked about what is the comfort of how great is the comfort of a quiet head and a quiet heart. And I've known Frank since the beginning

and

he was very kind to my son, who I was a single parent for most of his upbringing, and he was very kind to my son. And you know, when little boys play war games, they want to meet a real warrior. And Frank wrote in some letters from Desert Storm just to him.

Gary said I did not drink well. Well, you could look at him and no, he didn't drink well. Love that, Love that, love that.

And he said, what is an incident in the world? We call, you know, we call our stories, you know, we call our personal adventures. Just sit down with somebody who's not an alcoholic and tell them some of your personal adventures with excitement. And they just look at you like, Oh my God, I've done that over picking out Peaches at a market because you got to take your time picking up Peaches. So people over there picking up Peaches and how are you? And then you tell them, well, you know, my head's talking to me and.

You see him again in the market 2 weeks later they go, oh God, that's that Lady and they're gone. You know, my first job in a a was waiting tables. I I was a bartender in New Orleans. Come on,

I'm waiting tables sort of food. This is lame, but I have a bad attitude. And even the Culver City Clubhouse people, after their meeting on Friday night, did not want to sit in my station because I brought them down.

And it took the al Anon to teach me how to fake it because I supposed to be honest in all my affairs. And,

you know, put that on your resume, which I did, actually didn't get me a job, but I did put all of the dancing I'd done in New Orleans, all the CD bars I worked at.

Yeah. Now, Fritzl's the Lamplighter, Funky Butts. That was a good one.

If I don't do steps 10 and 11, I start to build a case. I am an isolator, I am a rebel. I have a backpack and my backpack is a book called Be Here Now. That's what I came here with.

I don't need you. I'm self-sufficient. I God, forget you. God, you know, I've been hurt way too much and now I'm a real victim. I am registered as one of the early victim of violent crimes in the state of California. Jacoby and Myers even went to my bat for me to get me some like $700.00 or something

and food stamps and I couldn't eat, you know, I'm like, give me a food stamp. It was very interesting,

but I build a case and it's slow because the bricks have come down between me and God, me and you. I have stepped from bridge to shore as Bill has done. I I have found and I seek the treasure.

I am a seeker. If I am not growing, I'm building a case. If I am not growing, I'm packing my backpack. If I am not telling the truth, if I am not looking at it, if I'm not taking an inventory of where I can get into self pity and selfishness,

worry, anxiety, anger,

honesty, if I am not looking at that and sharing it when it becomes big with somebody because I am my second sponsor. Ginny taught me to look at my first thoughts of the day. Look at your first thoughts of the day, whatever they are, that's where you need to go. And when I am right, that is what I need. That's what I need to do.

I am, I take the responsibility, very serious in Alcoholics Anonymous, what we do here because it's for fun and for free. And I am.

I don't want to build a case and go out the door today. Today I am with you. Today I'm with my people. Today I am with the mothership that I look for my whole life. I met you and AA and I had no idea that experience strengthen health in the language of the heart was going to snag me out of the stream of alcoholism. But it did

I,

you know, I think it's better to eat crow when it's warm.

If you have to humble yourself

to make some amends from doing a spot check inventory. Because you know, if I'm disturbed something in me, that spiritual axiom. And one of the things that I've learned is that everybody's in different cliques of 180° turn. Everybody's in different clicks of it in the room. Some people go a couple of clips, clicks, clicks, clicks and they're happy

and that's what they want to do. Some people go all the way around and keep going.

That's

kind of where I am.

I feel like I'm God's kid today.

Chucky's used to say you don't see, though you see and you don't hear till you hear. And there's still so much I want to see and so much I want to hear.

And by keeping myself open, by keeping the room clean, by keeping the channel open, I have that intuitive thought. I had that sixth sense. It talks about my awake consciousness for the world, you know? But no matter how good I am in the morning before I leave,

just a thought, you know, I have, I have dog and cats. I rescue animals because I had a lot. I had, you know, skunk, a snake, cats, dogs, things that got kind of in the way of my alcoholism.

And some of them bit the dust and it still breaks my heart. So I am a rescue girl. I find homes if I have to. My 30th birthday was on Katrina. That weekend, I had my big party, and a lot of people gave donations to Katrina for the animals because they knew my story.

But I had this great dog. She's 12 now, but she's great. And, you know, Charlotte Clancy's wife says, you know, dogs spell backward is, don't you? It's like, yeah.

And she said just go, you know, leave your dog at the front door. You just came home. You just petted her. You had a great time.

Walk out to the mailbox, get the mail, come back in one minute later and that dog is so happy to see you. It's like you never, you never. It's like, Oh my God, it's not like you were gone a minute. It's like you were your hair. You're back. I'm so happy. I mean, and that is my God with me. My God is so happy. I'm back. God will always show me the way back if I leave just for a little bit. He's so happy to have my pack.

There is no guilt or shame or remorse or it's just

pure love.

And I never thought from the tip of my head to the tip of my toes I could feel anything so

great.

And once that hit me in my life, I became a real seeker

and so much in me, all I can do is just keep giving it away. Whether you want it or not, you're going to get it.

But I'll get out my car. I'll have a great morning. My meditation with my my dog and my cats. And I used to have a cat that would just sit in my lap and touch my face and look up at me when I when I meditate. And she's, she was 18 when she left and the seat was empty. And now I have another cat that has been around but knows there's a spot on my lap because we sit in the morning before they get fed.

So I have accountability in the morning, which is great because they're already on the couch when I come downstairs going. Come on, we're hungry, Come sit. You know, do your thing.

Patient here,

but no matter how good I am in the morning, I can be one mile from my house and that little old lady can cut me off.

And I'm thinking, what's she doing out here on this time? She's between 7:00 AM and 10:00 AM. She should wait for us workers to be out on the road.

And what's she doing driving a Valiant?

Isn't that a classic car now?

And I wonder who does her hair? It's blue.

She cut me off.

I don't like her.

I think I'm going to follow it down the freeway

just to see what else she's up to, you know?

So I get closer on the freeway. It's a summer day. She's got her windows down. She's listening to something called Kay Joy. It's elevator music. It's like, Oh my God, you know? So I crank up my rock'n'roll and get right next to her.

I swear to God she's not even giving me a nod. But OK, I'm done with you now. You just. I'm going, you're in my dust and I am going to punish everybody between me and my off ramp. Now I have forgotten everything that I just sat with. God tried to be heaven to it if thought

take it into the world be useful. Page 77 fit myself to be a maximum service to God and the people about me. Well, the people about me is the little blue haired lady. We don't have a lock on spirituality here, you know, we just don't. There's a whole bunch of people in the world that have a lot of

languages of the heart that work for them. My mother being one, she's an amazingly strong, beautiful

faith woman of faith. No matter what, she always believed that would be OK. And she loves you and sleeps at night because of you. Thank you.

But I am sweating and hot and just gripping the wheel and I'm at my off ramp and I'm ready to go home and take a shower. I'm just like, I'm not even halfway to work yet, you know? And I'm exhausted from punishing the world. And I get to my off ramp, and guess who's ahead of me on the off ramp?

Every little blue hair in place, not a bead of sweat on her, still sweetly smiling, listening to Kay Joy.

And I thought, I mean I left her in my dust. Oh, I punished everybody between me and the off ramp. How did she get ahead of me? And she looks still so calm and happy.

And I just, I had to laugh, thank God from the humor and the way we are, because that's me. I was out in the Bramble bushes and getting hung up in the, you know, and I've got a sponsor in the middle of the road. I've got a God that says, you know, honey, come here, this is paved. We know the path. We'll sit here on the rock and wait for you because we know you got to do this thing to learn whatever lessons it is you got to learn. But, you know, we'll take care of your cuts. We'll feed you. We'll move on down the road.

You stayed in the rooms. Don't leave when life gets tough. I've had a lot of tough things in my life and I've been. The wagons have circled and God has been there. Even in the moments of my deepest pain,

there's been joy. The joy of gratitude.

The joy of Alcoholics Anonymous. The joy to know that I am with my people and that I have found the common solution and that I can be useful.

Gandhi was one of my early heroes when I was a little girl, did a whole big thing on him.

I wanted to be somebody who worked for the United Nations. I had big aspirations for myself and I picked up a drink and I stopped being useful.

And Alcoholics Anonymous has given me my soul back,

has given me a heart that has broken open. A broken heart heals bigger.

This is corny, but angels with one wing don't fly alone.

I know every once in a while these corny things come up in my head.

It's my sixth sense, I guess,

but I if I build a case, I'm out of here if I don't say I'm sorry when it's right in front of me. My husband and I got married three years ago in Las Vegas in March.

That was a wonderful experience, but we decided to elope. We decided to keep it quiet. We decided to not tell anyone. My son walked me down the aisle.

I am on the phone with some of my oldest babies saying you got to come, you got to come.

We got married with his brother and his brothers childhood sweetheart. So we had a double ceremony. We had all decided how to do it. And I am now taking the reins, not talking to anybody, being selfish and self-centered, and I am stepping on the toes of these people that it's going to be an amazing, special experience for us. And I,

I'm blowing it.

And so I had to pick up the phone and eat crow. I had to eat crow with my husband. I had to say I'm sorry.

I it was really hard to chew, but it was still a little warm so we got it down. We were able to move on and have a great time.

That's that was fairly recent.

I made amends with my family and

thank God I had that intuitive thought. One day, my dad and I, I broke my dad's heart. He's check. I'm very proud of being check, half check.

He's a real consistent, make your own way man, Very ethical, a lot of integrity, a lot of love for his family. And I broke my father's heart.

I played the accordion because my dad was check.

Still not very cool. Wasn't cool then, but

I risked it because I wanted my dad's love

and I got my second sponsor, Jenny, who had me make those amends to my dad. And the consciousness of her to know that about my life when she didn't really know my story but knew that she probably owes her dad some money. So let's just tell her to call him and make those amends. The consciousness of that sponsorship I had with Jenny G Big meeting in the Sky,

Chuck Nesbitt, Big Meaning in the Sky. Man, that was so kind to me. Clint Vance, so many people,

so many of those strong wonderful people that were there for me when I got sober meeting in the sky. Jenny had the consciousness because of her program to have me make financial limits, my dad, and to have me put a note with the check into my father because my dad accepted my payment terms. And I set about sending that check in the note about my life for almost four years. And many of you know the story. At the end of that four years, I had about six years and he didn't want my money anymore and called me and said

Merry Christmas, Sharon, I don't want your money anymore, but don't stop sending me your notes.

My dad and I got to have

an aware and alert a current guilt free relationship because of the consciousness of a woman who sponsored me, who had been through the steps, who knew how to pass it on in a powerful way. And

I went home. Once good daughters go home, good daughters go home. And there we weed the garden and we do the dishes and we go to the hardware store with my dad and we sit down and watch the news together and talk about the weather. And I sent my son home to know his grandparents every summer so they get to know him.

And I'm in my amends to my father. I was stuck at O'Hare airport in the morning.

I had done my 11 step work. I had had my spiritual awakening at about seven years of sobriety, so it was shortly after that. It was an unexpected spiritual awakening I had while taking my seven-year cake from the tip of my head to the tip of my toes. I was filled with love

and they picked me up at the airport and it's my sister's wedding weekend. Nurse Sally Little Ponytail It's her wedding weekend

and I'm tired. I hadn't slept and we're all in the band together. The men's older sister, Nurse Sally, my mother, my brother, my dad is driving

the new brother-in-law to be were all in the van and me and I look up at the front seat and Nancy and my dad are talking about money and finance and investments. I'm thinking she always gets the front seat.

I get Carsick back here. How come she always gets the front seat?

And then I know about money. I've been paying you back, Dad, come on, ask me. But he doesn't.

And then there Sally has my mother's attention, talking about the dress and the gifts. And I'm thinking,

I know fashion. I, I was in home EC, you know, I, I know how to not over accessorize. I can figure this out. Why don't you ask me about the wedding dress and what to do and how come you're leaving me out? And then I look over at my brother. He's talking to his new brother-in-law

about fishing.

I know how to bait a hook. I can clean a fish. I can fry it up right there in the pan by the river, and nobody's asking me. And before I know it I'm having cathartic sobbing sitting in the middle seat of the second seat of the band. Leaned over going

I just cathartic sobbing happening. And we are on the Cedar River Road now we're on the Country Rd. Going towards the house

and my father hears this noise and he stops the van on this road

and turns around and looks at me and he says are you all right?

This is my platform I've been waiting for my whole life.

They're all here. It won't take that many bullets,

but thank God I had some intuitive thought that day because it would have destroyed everything that Alcoholics Anonymous represented through me to these people.

Because I heard a voice that sixth sense said get out of the van and I said I just need some water. So they gave me some water. I stood outside of the van and they went back to their conversations like I was not having this huge thing happening to me.

It's like God,

just not deep.

And I stood there and and me and the God by, we had a bonding moment with the cornfield.

I hated being from Iowa. It was corn and pigs. When I drank in New York City, I was from Wisconsin because I had cheese and milk and dairy. It felt a little more sophisticated. Even though I sound like I'm from the Midwest, I was from Wisconsin, not the pigs and corn state because I felt like a pig and corn.

So I'm looking at this cornfield thinking that's really corny. Umm,

but look at it. It's really kind of pretty

and there's a haze above a cornfield. If you ever see it, you can really watch it grow in the summer. You can look away. It's growing the way it's growing. It's growing and those top is golden. It's got that golden hue of life happening. And as you look out over with the sun through it, there's life in there, things that are floating in there and.

And then as I turned away, I thought, Gee, that's pretty God.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of how my God is with me,

of how much love there is. God has already handled it. He's already handled it, whatever it is. I just have to fit myself. I have to do 10 and 11. I have to do the third step prayer. I have to do Saint Francis prayer. I have to fit myself so that I can go the path that I need to go

to have it be revealed. We don't even have to work at it. It is revealed what an honor it is to be on the path and have life revealed to you what you need to know.

I looked away and I saw before I turned that it's all laid out in rows, that it's been thought of, that it's been handled. That the soil was tilled and made ready, That the seeds went down in it. That the rain came and the sun shone and those little seas didn't know where they were growing.

They didn't know they were going to grow into this amazing field of corn.

One stop with all the other stocks planned out, thought out, taken care of

and I got it. I got it a little bit more that day

and I really from Wisconsin now. My mother booked up there.

That's cool,

but many of you know my dad was killed 10 years ago. And

thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank God for that intuitive thought that day. Thank God that I know how to keep my mouth shut in my life now.

My actions speak for me much of the time.

I've been taught to suit up and show up in my Home group. I've been taught to suit up and show up in life. I've been taught that I am not the most important run in the person in the room, that I am a link in the chain, and my job is to keep my link strong so that other people can link on up and pass it on. There's nothing more powerful than a fourth and 5th step and watching

the face soften,

watching the person emerge.

What a gift we have. We just have to fit ourselves. Takes a lot of work for us Alcoholics, if you're like me, to stay fit, to have the proper attitude. It talks about them