Steps 6 and 7 at the Stateline Retreat in Primm, NV

You look good.

OK.

Hi everybody. My name is Larry Thomas and I'm an alcoholic,

and I want to thank the committee for having me come down here and be with you guys. It's been a pretty good conference up to now and

I asked to share on step six and seven. And as luck would have it, I just happened to have all my defects with me now. So

got to be a God shot.

I I I am living proof

that a man can stay sober for close to 28 years and not amount to a damn thing. So

I, I don't know where you think you're going. If you're new,

probably Whiskey Pete's after this, but

but the highest I've ever gotten here is sober basic human being active member of my own Home group, which is as high as I need to get really. I have. I've sponsored a couple guys who have gotten higher than that and they're completely useless to anybody in anything, you know, but

but I'm glad to be with you.

If you're a new, I urge you to get to know your defects of character real well

because they're going to be riding shotgun with you for the rest of your life, you know, And your main objective is not to give them the wheel,

all right? Just just throw them in the back of the car and just let them have at you and do what you can to not let them run your life. You know, when Polly was talking about

her first Home group, I remember meeting Polly there, you know, and I think I was a couple years sober and my sponsor came up to me and said, don't go near that woman.

No, he didn't say that at all.

Her husband did.

I've got my own problems, but

and you know, when you're new to group and you know, your defects are what you are, you don't know what they are, you just the way that it is, you know, and and I just recently, you know, got the old man for a sponsor and I'm two years sober and I walk into this big Home group, you know, and, and there's all these guys standing around my sponsor and, you know, they all got glasses and they're dressed well. And it's obvious that he likes them better, you know, and he and he makes that very clear,

you know, because he puts his arm around you and you're in the back, you know what I mean? Leaves you out of conversations and stuff, you know, and and week after week this would go on, you know, and every week he would leave, I would call up some of these guys and I would say, Hey, Ray, how come Johnny likes you better? And he said, man, he don't like us better. And a week would go on it, he'd go off again and I'd say

call up Bob. Hey, Bob. How come Johnny likes you better,

Larry? Yeah, darn it. He doesn't like us better. He's just known us longer. You're the new guy on the block, man. And, you know, it just takes time for people to get to know you, you know, And you're so busy seeking approval that you can't see anything else about anything. And that was one of my defects of character that came out. I was always seeking people's approval,

and it was taught to me in Alcoholics Anonymous

that the last guy's approval you want to seek is your sponsors

because he knows you're a Jackass. You know what I mean? But what happens to people like me who want to look good and go places is that when you're seeking somebody's approval, you hold back things so that you can look good, at the risk of being honest and saving your life. You know, I come to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1982. I've been in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous from 1975 to

to 1982 and that was the biggest lie that I told myself

was that I was coming in and out of AA. I hadn't touched Alcoholics Anonymous.

I hadn't touched AAI, did what I'd done my entire life. I sat in a room waiting for people to do something for me. I sat in a room waiting for people to do something to me

and it took me years and Alcoholics Anonymous to find out that what I was waiting to be done to me, Alcoholics Anonymous and God was waiting to do through me. But you see, that was one of my defects of character when I came here was I've always had the hand up. I've always had people doing something for me. I'm a something for nothing guy. I've got an ego bigger than this room and I got a 5 inch belt, a lazy ass that straps around here where I don't feel like doing things. I don't feel like doing nothing,

you know, I just, I wake up thinking about a nap is what I do most of the time, you know?

You know, I suffer from postponement, I think, you know, and I just a severe case of postponement, I think is what I have, man, you know? Yeah. We'll do it tomorrow, you know, drive my wife nuts, you know, And then with an eagle that big and a belt of lazy ass that tight, what you do your entire life is you grow up through life doing average things, expecting standing ovations, you know what I mean? Yeah. You take out the, you know, you go to work and you think the boss is up in the window.

Jesus Christ, look at that guy, man. They don't make them like that anymore, you know, and he only took 1/2 hour lunch. Wow. Where can we get that? You know, and, and that followed me right into my marriage that, you know, 11 years ago. I, you know, me and Rosie are busy in a A and, and I put this toilet seat on for her and it was a beautiful Maple toilet seat, you know, you know, and,

and every night we would pass each other in the hallway from the meetings and she'd go to the restroom and I'd go to the bed

and she'd just sit in there and I would just rock on that bed night after night going, my God, how selfish can you be? You know, I mean, what are they teaching her at these stag meetings? You know, and I had to tell her it was just driving me nuts for a month. Finally she came out of there one night and I said, do you know who I mean? Do you know you got a brand new seat in there, you know? And she says I know. And it's loose and

there's no pleasing these women in AA anymore, you know.

And so when I come to Alcoholics Anonymous, you see, I'm a loser. I've always been a loser. I've been a loser my entire life. I didn't come here with a bunch of neat stuff following behind me or, or normal life to return to.

I had been running the life of me my entire life. I was a sum total of me and my actions my entire life, you know, and I had great folks in a great upbringing. My dad used to tell me, you don't know how good you got it back when I was your age. I tell you he nailed my defects of character right then. I've never been strapped with a belt of gratitude. Never. I've got to be beaten half to death today, get three guys that drive me nuts and go to Vegas just to get grateful, you know what I mean?

I've never been grateful. It's never been a long suit. I've always expected more or different. Never happy with what you got. The grass is always greener. Never content with what's given to you, you know. And my dad caught me at an early age and I brought that in here with my long suited defects of character, lack of gratitude, you know? And he did have a tough life, man. The poor guy was a World War Two vet.

His father choked on his tongue and died in a convulsion.

His mother hung herself in a Detroit jail. She was a drunken whore. And he had a dream. And that dream was to marry my mom, my little mom, bring her out of that convent, take her to California, you know, live the good life, you know. And I never want to forget which came out and and Polly did a magnificent job on on four and five. I never want to forget what comes out in an inventory.

I think that's one of the,

that's one of the most powerful things you can see a man and woman do

is when they're riding with you in that car and they start telling you chunks about that stuff and you can see them starting to cry. And when you see a man cry and stuff like that, you know, it's hard to do. It was the hardest thing for me,

you know, And what came out in that inventory of mine is what I knew at a very young age, and that is I knew my mom loved me. But what's more important is what that pattern would set up for me to do is what I would do with people who love me and shoo me affection. And you know what I would do? I would play them like a fiddle. That there would never be a time too inconvenient for me not to put the touch on that Lady. That there would never be a time for the macho man not to roll up to Mom's house

and startled her one more time and asked her for a buck or two. And the reason that I tell you that if I'm new is because I never want to forget this day

when a young man of maybe 20 years old or something like that hadn't seen his mom for a while. I even believe I was younger than that. I think I was a senior in high school and they put me away for a couple weeks and I was supposed to show up that Monday,

but I don't, I show up Thursday. And where do I show up? I show up my mom's place of business, a little dry cleaners over there in Torrance. She's working a couple jobs and it's a, it's a rainy April morning, 9:00 in the morning and I'm about from here to that exit door and I'm standing there and I'm letting that cold April rain hit me.

And the only thought that I have is she better have a buck. And I walked through that rain with no other thought or anything in my mind, but she better have a buck. And I walk into that lady's place of business and one more time I startled her with my presence, which would be an ongoing thing for me and that Lady. And I didn't ask her for anything. I just looked around and I asked her for the money and she broke out. That little Woolworth wallet of hers or a picture of me falls out when I'm 8 years old and a Little League team and she gives me that one

and then $2.00 and then I take the money and I run off to Wilmington where I'm going to die.

Now the reason that it brings it home to me right now, tonight, this afternoon, is that you take the same man and you bring them to Alcoholics Anonymous. Whereas life depends on every action that I take here. And with my so-called desperation and willing to go to any lengthness, you stick me in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and you put the secretary of the meeting that same distance. And I need to ask you this, if you're new,

how come when my life depends on it, I can't walk that same distance and ask a man for a job in a meeting that was going to save my life.

But I can walk that distance and use my mom time and time and time again. And I'm here to share with you if you knew that. It's been my experience that if my alcoholism doesn't kill me, my selfishness and myself centeredness will. Make no mistake about that, which is why it's necessary for a man with close to 28 years to be close to an active in a program called Alcoholics Anonymous and more important than that, a Home group. Because I will never get so sober

that I can't get drunk again. I'll never get that sober. I need to be close to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous on a regular basis

because that seems to be the only power in my life that can take an eagle as big as mine and keep it small enough to be useful.

And that's why I need the commitments, not so that I can build some type of a a resume is because my Monday night meeting don't give a shit that I'm here, you know what I mean? They want their coffee made big guy, you know what I mean? They don't care where I'm going. They want their cookies put out on Thursday. They want their coffee poured on Wednesday, you know what I mean? And it keeps my ego small enough to be youthful, which is what this step is all about.

All over this United States and all the a a little cities that we know, people are busting their brains trying to work on their defects of character.

The last time I worked on my defects of character, I had a five year obsession with massage parlors

and I wasn't even horny, you know? I just, you know, I'll just go in here. You know,

my sponsor smelling everybody for booze when they come into the door at the meeting. He's sniffing me for baby oil. Yeah,

All right. You know,

I have no idea what was ahead of me, man. You know,

coming into that Home group, like Polly was talking about that Bellflower meeting, seeing all those guys around my sponsor was amazing thing, man, Amazing thing.

This thing called Unity and stuff,

and I got to bring all this back down and now it's taken alone. Step six and five seven. We can ramble around and do all kinds of things, but I got to bring it back to what we're doing here.

What are we doing here?

What is this whole process about? Where are we in these steps? Polly just got done reading four and five. Where are we in this book? What is our task? The last paragraph of step one says we stood ready to lift that merciless obsession. That's what we're doing here. That's why we're going through this process is to relieve this merciless obsession. I can't think of a better word for our disease than merciless.

It has no mercy. It cares nothing about what you think. Whether you're ready to stop or not, it's on you. Much like you. You know it has. You know what I mean? And I did not know peace. I had no idea what peace was. But I've got to relieve this merciless obsession. I stood ready to do anything because I know perfectly well that I'm in the worst spot that an alcoholic can be, and that is not drinking and not doing.

There is nothing more lethal than that combination of things.

And the longer I don't drink, the worse I feel and come in the AA and seeing these guys with these ties on coming up from this box going, 30 days ago I was on the streets of Los Angeles. Now I'm the president of the Bank of America. Thank you. You know, I'm going, my God, I came in with that guy, you know.

So where are we in this book? Well, we've just got done taking an inventory and we've seen ourselves for what we really are.

We've seen what drives us to drink when we're sober. You see, I'm an alcoholic. Sobriety drives me to drink time and time and time again. I can't stand the way that I feel when I'm sober because I am faced with the very things that we've been talking about up to this point, and I can't get the faces and the memories out of my head. They're with me every waking day,

and somewhere in this book it says that it talks about We Will Know. Peace

doesn't say we know. It

doesn't say we have it. I wouldn't know peace if it bit beyond the knee. It says we will know, Troop, it says we will know. Peace of Mind. I don't know Peace of Mind. The only Peace of Mind I know is three shots of Kessler's.

That's the only piece I've ever known. That's the only piece I've ever known is three shots into that. And

and if I don't find Peace of Mind now that I'm not drinking and in a a, my mind's destined to go back to where it once found it.

Three shots of bourbon. This time it'll be different, Larry. This time it'll be different, pal. And so I must find that Peace of Mind. And the only way for me to find that Peace of Mind is to be close to an active in a program called Alcoholics Anonymous and work in this process of steps,

You know,

amazing thing.

I had no idea you guys talked to me if about a lifestyle or do you want a brand new way of life? I didn't know how to live. I had no idea how to live.

I've been living for me my entire life. I started out this talk saying that I was a loser.

You guys know what I am.

You guys have watched me come in here. You watch me for years,

losers. A nice way of saying things. I tell you what I started off doing when I was long before I ever drink. I'm a quitter.

I'm a professional quitter.

I quit being a son at the age of 11 years old. My dad wanted me to do good. My dad wanted nothing but the best for me and provided everything to make that happen. But you see, I've always had this tug from the middle of me that takes me away from good and decent. I don't know what that is about, but I've always had a pull

and at the age of 11 years old I gave in to the pole. I was wandering around I in a garage with four of the guys. I took a shot of Four Rose whiskey

and I was to find my Peace of Mind. I was to find something that would make me feel better than any day I'd ever lived sober. It turned Howdy Doody into James Dean and two drinks, you know,

but I'll never forgot where it took me and I quit being a son. I couldn't be in somebody you can depend on. And that followed me my entire life. Never been able to follow through anything. Just a natural born quitter and thank God one of the one of the remedies for being a quitter. And Alcoholics Anonymous is one of the most untalked about principle we have. It's called consistency.

You can't beat a consistent man in Alcoholics Anonymous.

You show me a guy or gal who shows up to their Home group on a regular basis, no matter what the weather is in their life, and I'll show you a good member of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's the kind of folks that I need to be with. You see, anybody can come here fat and happy and sassy, but what about when these little storms of life are hitting you? What about when you have these things pulling you out from the inside and these old ideas that you have making you want to do things and stuff?

Well, you got people that you know in that group. I tell you, there's nothing more crazy

than to be newly sober and wonder where you're going tonight.

And you got all your craziness and all your all obsessions kicking in your head and you don't know what meeting to go to. Where should I go tonight? Should I go to that meeting? No. Should I go to that meeting? Nope. Should I go to that? Nope. Nope. Maybe I'll just stay home and just work through this trip, you know? Four days later you come out, you know,

but there's nothing more comforting. There is nothing more secure to the alcoholic of our type. It to be obsessed and sober and know where you're going to be in an hour. Because once I'm with you,

once I am with you, the magic happens. Everything's OK, Everything is OK. You know, I had a kid call me up not too long ago, kid that I've been sponsoring for a while. And he says I said, how you doing, Billy? I says, he says he's doing all right. He says I've been obsessed with some Internet porn. But my A A life is good, you know,

I said, son, that is your A A life.

That's everything to do with your AA life.

What you are when you're away from us has everything to do with what kind of a a member you are. You see? But I'm a sneak. My inventory revealed that I'm a sneak. I like to sneak. I'm one of these guys where you know well what you don't know won't hurt you. What I would do behind private doors is my business. And what I do when I'm away from you won't hurt you. I can handle that. I'm willing to pay the price.

If you're sober and you're willing to pay the price, go ahead, Larry.

That kills more people than what I know.

Damn near killed me, and that's the only experience I can share.

We say.

Just a lack of a better word. I can't sin in private.

I can't.

I can't go off and sin in private

because everybody's going to pay the price. And you know how they pay the price? In my attitude, it's the first thing that changes. I'm guilty, I'm remorseful, and I'm pretty damn suspicious about you messing around on me. Now. I'm pretty sure you've been bugging around on me and I become restless and irritable and everybody's affected by my sin. Oh, I think because what you don't know won't hurt you. But by golly, you will pay the price of my wrongdoings. Believe me,

everybody's affected by your actions even though they don't see you. I had no idea about that.

I come here in 1982, May 2nd, 1982,

and it rolled into an Alano club. And like I said, I'd been in and out for years.

And I took this inventory and I looked at these defects of character and I got the shock of my life

that I was a 30 year old man with a 10 year old mind

that I had no idea how to be responsible, that I had no idea how to work. I'm a liar, I'm a cheat and I'm a thief. I've never had an honest day's work in my life. I've never been somebody you can trust.

And this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous and a sponsor,

First thing he did is he started cleaning me up on the outside.

And this is only my story,

He says. The first thing we're going to do, kid, is you're going to get out of that mission and you're going to go get your Social Security card,

he says. You're going to shave, and you're going to shave off that mustache. I had a mustache and a goatee. Now, when you're a guy who's used to hiding around images, which is another defective character that I have, you never know who I really am. I've always had images to hide behind because I don't know who I am. And it startled me when I was new in Alcoholics Anonymous

because I remember being about 90 days sober, and I'm sitting in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I thought, my God, I feel like a phony.

And you know what? My sponsor was observant enough to recognize what was going on with me. He says, Larry, that's not what's happening, kid. He says, you're so used to having images that now you've come to Alcoholics Anonymous, it's a whole new vocabulary. It's a whole new group of people. And he says, you think it's another mask. He says that jacket of Alcoholics Anonymous isn't one to hide behind.

This is the jacket of Alcoholics Anonymous that if you stay long enough, you'll be able to fill it with some type of character.

I had no idea who I was. All I knew I wasn't happy being me and he started teaching me about being responsible

and how to start being self supporting and go to work

earning my keep. Little things like that.

These things started making a man feel pretty good.

I can't tell you how how long it's been since I when I was new in Alcoholics, it was years. Every time I would stand around guys my old age, I would feel like a kid still, you know? I didn't know that I had a whole list of actions that I had to change about the way I live. I didn't know how to live. I'm a liar, I'm a cheat. I'm a thief.

One of the things that and you know how I got rid of my defects of character

by neglect.

I sat in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and I starved him to death.

And that's the hardest thing not to do is to act on a defective character.

You know, I think the biggest thing that I've had to work on in my life,

and I thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous and these actions not work on, is to share with a sponsor and be honest enough so that these defects of character don't become obsessions,

that I can keep them small enough

or that there not becomes obsessions of the mind.

Gee, because for me, behind every obsession is a drink. I don't care what it is,

whether it be gambling or eating burgers or behind every obsession that I have. And I'm so received when I'm not drinking, I have a relief Finder.

This baby's going all right. Sure, I know I'm powerless over alcohol, but my little relief radar comes up and it's seeking relief. And you know where it finds relief? It finds relief in places that I can have power or control over. It finds little things where I can maybe show my anger or my lust over here. I can control and do that. And that gives me a sense of power. It gives me a sense of power to go to work and quit.

Nobody's going to tell me what to do.

It gives me a sense of power to steal from my boss. You see, It's never a a approved stuff coming out of here.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? It's seeking relief and the only way that I know how, you know what I mean. And it comes up in defects of character. And to this day that old relief Finder will come out. But because of I know what's at the end of that finding,

I don't have to act on it.

The worst thing you can do is talk to your obsessions, Drive around. You're not going to get me now, you know what I mean,

is to break the obsession. I remember there's one time I was talking with my sponsor and I was going through this thing with the massage parlors and stuff like that. And he says, you know it, it may help if you don't come home on Imperial Blvd. every night, for God's sake. There's other routes home, you know what I mean? And and he says when you would get these urges in your head, he says, why don't you, you know, you got to break that obsession. Get out of the car, go shopping,

you know, do something but break the obsession. And lo and behold, man, you know, one morning I woke up and Rosie was gone or maybe even in the next room, I don't know. But you know, I, I had this obsession for sex. She had to been gone and she was she was already at work or something, you know, and this and this, these ideas are going through my head, you know, and I call my sponsor and he goes, God, Larry, he says, why don't you go do some chores in the backyard or something, man, get out of here,

you know? And he hung up

and that made me mad. So I, you know, I, I went to the backyard and Rosie had some stuff she wanted planted

and I said, oh man, she's always got work for me, you know, You know what I mean? And so I said, well, you know what, maybe I'll plant these roses for her. And there was some dirt and a shovel and I start digging and, you know, and then I'm cussing. Oh, man, stupid roses. I'm throwing one of them away and planting the other one and just having a tough time with it. One of my babies calls me up. He says, hey, sponge, how you doing? I says I'm all right. What are you up to?

He says. He says, well, he says, he says I'm just obsessed with sex today and I'm driving myself crazy. And I says, Jesus Christ, take up gardening, you know, and I just hung up on him.

Get out of yourself for God's sakes, you know.

One of the things that came out on the

one of the things that came out on this inventory is

how inadequate I always felt because I really was,

and how I've always wanted to be a man because I wasn't.

I

I had not the makings of a man till I met you.

And one of the things that I used to do, whoever I would be hooked up with romantically is if I would get upset with them, I would move them around physically.

And I'm sober in Alcoholics Anonymous and I got married for the first time

and I had a little girl, my baby Lauren.

And Lauren was about a year old

and me and her mom are fighting in the hallway

and things start getting loud

and the room starts shaking.

And I went to raise my hand at this lady

and down there was a little

little girls staring at me.

And I said, no, you don't.

No, you don't.

You're not going to let her witness what you witness your entire life. You can stop that right now.

And I chose not to follow through on that action.

And I was humbled by my daughter's eyes

and I made a promise to my God and my sponsor that I would never do that again,

that I don't want to be the guy that puts that type of action in that little girl's eyes. I don't want to be that man

now. Eventually I had to divorce that Lady,

but I never stopped being that little girl's father.

I never quit being her dad

and I never will.

Funny thing in Alcoholics Anonymous

how you take losers and humble them into being men

by their own actions. That little prayer that we have in there, that seven step prayer, both steps six and seven, talks about cooperation

and that nobody's going to be rendered white as snow.

And what they're telling you is to be content with patient improvement, they say,

and be prepared to grow up here. By golly, you shouldn't be going anywhere anyway.

You may as well just sit in and buckle in and grow up. And that's what Alcoholics Anonymous has done with me. They've taken a nothing, a nobody, a useless piece of man

and made him a productive Society of

of my neighborhood and everything around and more important than that, a proud member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now I want to talk to you about one of the hurdles of service because this prayer is all about service. In that prayer he says we ask our creator. I humbly ask you that you now remove from me every defective character that keeps me from being useful to being a service. And being useful doesn't say keeps me from being perfect.

There are some perfect peoples around here.

They'll show up on birthdays with their cakes and candles. They won't put up the chairs or nothing, you know?

And one of the things that can keep me from being youthful is my magnanimous ego

that it's too big to do the little things anymore.

It's too big to do the little things in a A. I've gotten my five years. Let somebody else do that. It's too big of me to leave my guys on the wall on Monday night and maybe shake hands with a stranger.

My magnanimous eagle will kill me here in Alcoholics Anonymous. You see,

one of the things that keeps me from being Sir service is every now and then I'm a do gooder, a well wisher

where you think that things will be done. You wish the meeting well, but you won't do anything to help it out.

I've been caught up in that kind of complacency. I think that's one of the biggest defects of character I had was my complacency. Happy doing nothing and proud of it.

You know the house was burning and you want to vacuum. You know what I mean?

And I remember,

I remember this very well.

I remember this very well-being about 10 years sober, and my complacencies hit me

and I had this idea that I want to move in with this girl.

And my sponsor says, I don't think that's a good idea, son.

And I said, well, I don't think you understand how we feel about one another,

he says. I don't think that's a good idea, son.

I said, well, we got some pretty good things going here. I said, you know, it's not like your ordinary get together, you know, we really mean it, you know, And I don't think that's a sound idea at all, son, You know. And I said, well, all right, well, a couple weeks went by and I went ahead and moved in. We moved in together. You know, I want to tell you what that kind of action does. That's the old quitter again.

I quit listening to my sponsor. I've got it from here.

Take it easy, you know what I mean? And I tell you, what happens when you quit listening to your sponsor

is when this situation starts to choke you out. You can't go to him and be honest because your ego's telling you you got to be right about it.

And so you spend the rest of your life trying to be right rather than honest, and you wind up in a situation for a couple years that drives you absolutely out of your mind. But you're right,

you're absolutely right about it. And what happens is that this thing starts affecting your personal life.

You start being restless and irritable and discontented because you're not getting direction for anything. You're running the whole show now because you can't bring anything to your sponsor because he'll always refer to, well, if you weren't with that little bag, this wouldn't be happening, you know, So you got to be busy being right. And in the meantime, you've got, you've got that bottle of whiskey just floating around. You're getting closer

and eventually I couldn't hold a job because I've got this hatred towards my first wife

and I don't want nothing good to happen to her. So I stay poor at her. And the only way for me to stay poor at her is I just quit jobs, you know, 'cause she ain't getting everything. You know what I mean? And what happens One more time

is you go to visit that little girl on

on Daddy daughter day and this little 3 year old, 4 year old Cuban girl comes running up to your arms. And she hops up in your arms

on Daddy's visiting day and she's got holes in her socks

and she's got holes in her underwear

and that's your fault.

And she looks at you, and without saying a word,

she says, Daddy, if you love me, why you dressing me this way?

Ah, but you're right. There's nothing like being right, is there? Nobody going to tell you what to do, Larry. I'll figure this thing out if it's the last thing I do.

And what happened that day is I put that little girl down

and I immediately found out what was going on here.

It dawned on me that I hadn't had a ride with a sponsor or a friend for a long time,

that I've been running in and out of my meetings and getting there right when they start leaving, right where they're in. Talking at some of the Alano clubs about how well my life is and going home and dying

and one more time. Being a phony is the primary purpose of my life. Don't let anybody in. Don't let anybody know what's going on.

And I got a hold of my sponsor and he said,

tell you what, kid, he says. You move out of that house right now.

You move out of that house and you get to your Monday night meeting.

And I moved out of that house and I moved into a little busy bee hotel over there in Long Beach,

and I set up shop there

and I'd already lost all my jobs. None of the plumbers would hire me because I'm a thief. The last plumbing job I had, the boss caught me stealing copper

and I told him, well, you know, I

what was going on and stuff like that. And he said, well, he says I tell you what, Larry, he says if you want some scrap copper to go cash in. He says you can have any piece of copper under 18 inches, kid, I'll give it to you. I thought, well, that's great. And within a week I'm taking 20 foot length and cutting them off at 15, you know what I mean? Thanks, boss, You know,

and he caught me and and, and I got fired from that job and

and I found out that I didn't have the qualities of a man to hold a job,

that my defects of character were keeping me from just going and working, that I'm a type of guy that goes to work. And I wonder why they're working me so hard.

And how come I can't, you know, and, and I always got to ask why I want you to go put in that water heater. Why, why now, you know, always asking why, you know, why do I got to do this? Trying to get out of it. And I tell you, Johnny says I'm going to be taken off to Sacramento this weekend, he says.

We'll talk about your job situation when I get back.

Well,

he got sidetracked

and I called up my grand sponsor.

I called up Clancy. I said, Clancy, this is Larry. I said, I need to talk to you about something. He says, what's up, kid? And I told him what happened. And he says, well, he says, why don't you come down here tomorrow and to my office and we'll talk. And I said, you mean you want me to come to the mission? He goes, no, I want you to find an abandoned warehouse and I'll come find you, you know?

So I went down and I, I sat at my, my grand sponsors desk. My God, this was 1992. I sat at my grand sponsors desk and he gave me a cup of coffee and a carrot.

What's up kid? And I started telling my little wall and he says

I don't know what to tell you.

I have no idea what to tell you.

You know that that saved my life.

I had been leaning on people for answers my entire life,

and to me, that's what a sponsor was,

Somebody to lean on. Again, you see, that's what takers and losers do. They hook up with people to do the work for them. Yeah, I'm a perfectionist. I seek it in you,

he says. I don't know what to tell you, kid, He says you just need to find some type of job that you're qualified for and go apply for it. And you know what? He nailed me