Step 12 at the Stateline Retreat in Primm, NV
My
name
is
Dick
Anderson.
I
am
alcoholic
and
I'm
very,
very
grateful
to
be
here.
And
I'm
especially
grateful
to
be
here
at
this
time
of
the
year
when
one
of
my
favorite
times
of
the
year,
when
we
celebrate
Christmas
and
Hanukkah
and
any
other
thing
you
want
to
celebrate.
And
mostly
what
we
celebrate
is
the,
the
fact
that
God
gives
us
a
second
chance.
And
that's
really
what
this
season
is
about
is
a
second
chance.
And
I,
I,
when
I
was
a
little
kid,
I
used
to
love
Christmas
time
because
I
would
go
down.
There
was
so
much
hope
and
there
was
the,
and
the
lights
and,
and,
and
I
would
go
down
and
I
came
from
a
functional
family
and
my
dad
always
had
some
nice
presents
under
the
tree
and
it
was
a
great
time
of
the
year
and
I
felt
warm
and
I
felt
loved.
And
I
didn't
really
find
that
experience
as
a
whole.
And
until
I
got
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous
in
my
adult
life,
I,
something
was
missing
in
me
from
the
very
beginning.
And
I
didn't
find
that
gift
again
until
I
got
to
our
colleagues
Anonymous.
And
if
you're
new
and
you're
here,
I
have
good
news.
This
is
the
gift.
The
12th
step
is
the
gift
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
It's
what
you
get
by
working
the
1st
11,
and
there
are
many,
many,
many
wonderful
benefits
from
this
step.
I
want
to
thank
Bob
for
his
invitation,
for
the
hospitality,
but
most
of
all
for
starting
Woodstock.
We
go
to
lots
of
meetings
where
people
talk
about
all
kinds
of
things,
and
I've
even
been
to
some
bad
conferences
where
it
was
like
dueling
Drunkalogs,
each
person
trying
to
outdo
the
other.
And
this
is
really
what
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
about.
We've
heard
people's
stories,
their
experience
and
strength
and
hope,
but
we've
heard
it
in
a
way
where
it
walks
us
through
the
program.
And
I
love
this
format
a
great
deal.
I
had
heard
about
it.
I
knew
Bob
was
doing
it.
I
knew
some
people
that
were
out
here
that
that
loved
it.
And
Lee
started
the
taper,
Where
is
Lee?
Lee
over
here
started
1-2
years
ago
in
Cocoa
Beach
in
South
Florida.
And
I
was
able
to
participate
in
that.
And
Polly
was
there
and
Clancy
and
and
Sandy
Beach.
And
it
was
a
wonderful
time,
one
of
the
most
powerful
experiences
of
my
life,
and
I
fell
in
love
with
it.
So
weekend
I
started
the
first
Woodstock
of
the
South
in
Callaway
Gardens.
And
we
had
about
600
people
to
help
us
get
it
started.
And
I
think
next
year
we'll
have
a
bigger
crowd
than
that.
And,
and
people
walked
away
from
it
saying
it
was
the
best
conference
they'd
been
to
in
Georgia.
And
it's
the
format,
it's
us
walking
through
the
big
book.
It's
it's
the
program
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
It
isn't
off
track.
It
keeps
us
on
track.
And
I,
I
thank
you
for
starting
that.
That
is
something
that
will
outlast
hopefully
all
of
us.
And
I
appreciate
it.
Well,
thank
my
host
Frank
and
Maggie.
You
know,
sometimes
you
get
the
thing
and
the
guys
to
pick
you
up
when
you
speak
at
these
things
or
they
have
six
months
and
they
have
a
car
that's
got
some
tape
over
the
windows
and
they're
just
so
happy
to
pick
you
up.
But
the
last
two
or
three
I've
had
people
that
have
been
my
age
in
the
program
or
older
and,
and,
and,
and
other
Vietnam
vets.
And
and
so
this
time
when
Frank
and
Maggie
picked
me
up,
we
had
a
great
time
and
I
felt
very
comfortable
from
the
very
beginning.
And
everyone
who
has
spoken
here
I
knew
except
for
Charlie
and
Kelly,
and
I'm
glad
to
know
them
now.
But
I've
had
a
just
love
everybody.
And
Larry
and
Rosie
are
giving
me
a
ride
back
to
LA.
We're
going
to
spend
my
wife
is
over
there
right
now.
So
I'm
going
to
be
in
LA
for
the
next
week
and
get
to
see
some
of
these
people
even
more.
And
all
weekend
I,
I
loved
how
Charlie
started
it
as
and,
and
the
way
Kelly
help
kick
it
off.
Gary
and
I
served
a
conference
together
and
he
was
as
as
soft
spoken
at
the
conference
as
he
was
here
last
night.
And
that's
refreshing
because
it's
our
job
and
Alcoholics
Anonymous
to
make
sure
that
that
we
do
listen
to
the
voice
of
a
A.
We
do
serve
the
groups.
The
group
is
a
A
and
and
I,
I
enjoyed
hearing
him
last
night.
Polly.
I
just
have
a
soft
spot
in
my
heart
for
Polly
and,
and
I
and
I
and
I.
She,
every
time
she
shares
it,
touches
me
in
a
in
a
big
way.
And
I
really
appreciate
that.
Sharon
and
I've
been
friends
for
some
time
and
I
always
loved
listening
to
her.
And
I
didn't
really
meet
Larry
and
Frank
until
it
was
Clancy's
50th
birthday
celebration
on
the
East
Coast.
And
he
picked
all
these
speakers
and
Clancy
picked
the
speakers,
took
him
out
to
Jekyll
Island.
And
I
noticed
everybody
he
picked
was
a
writer
or
an
actor
except
for
Larry.
And
Larry
got
up
and
he
was
the
most
articulate
of
the
group
and,
and
he's
a
plumber
and
it's
a
great
program.
I
mean,
it
really
is,
you
know,
so
I'm
looking
forward
to
riding
back
with
him.
And,
and
so
the
first
thing
I
need
to
tell
you
that
I
am
not,
nor
are
any
of
the
people
here
authorities.
The
big
book
tells
us
that
the
traditions
reiterate
that.
And
if
there's
any
confusion
about
it,
if
you
think
you're
an
authority,
if
you
have
some
enlightened
look
at
a
A
and
you
want
to
share
it
with
the
rest
of
the
world,
ask
your
sponsor
if
you're
an
authority.
And
I
think
you'll
find
out
that
what
we
do
up
here
is
we
just
share
our
experience,
strength
and
hope.
But
some
of
us
who
have
worked
hard
and
have
been
here
for
a
little
while
may
have
some
more
experience
than
others.
Umm,
the
good
news
about
the
12th
step
is
that
it
is,
it's
a
complex
step.
It's
a
bigger
step
than
I
thought
when
I
first
came
in
here.
Really
has
three
parts.
The
1st
is
a
spiritual
awakening.
The
2nd
is
carrying
that
message
to
other
Alcoholics.
What
is
the
message?
First
of
all,
we're
carrying
and
finally
practicing
these
principles
in
all
our
fears.
And
I'm
going
to
share
with
you
in
my
story
how
I
I
had
the
spiritual
experience
that
got
me
into
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I
had
a
lot
of
those
coincidences
we
talked
about
and
a
lot
of
gifts
from
God
when
I
got
here.
And
they
continued
and
they
continued
to
grow.
And
then
I
tried
to
work
a
lot
with
other
people.
And
at
the,
at
the
about
12
years
into
the
program,
I
headed
my
second
bottom
and
I
was
suicidal
in
a
hotel
room
by
the
time
I
was
15
years
sober.
And
I
had
to
learn
about
the
third
part
of
this,
which
is
practicing
these
principles
in
all
our
affairs.
I
had
missed
that
I
got
sober
and
I
was
trying
to
help
other
people
get
sober.
And
we
use
the
word
12
stepping
as
going
out
to
call
on
a
wet
drug,
which
is
what
we
did
when
I
got
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
So
I'm
going
to
share,
share
my
the
basic
part
of
my
story,
which
which
tells
better
than
I
can,
how
I
was
12
stepped,
how
God
gave
me
a
spiritual
awakening
and
how
I
was
able
to
return
that
to
people.
And
then
I
want
to
share
some
of
the
principles
I
had
to
learn
after
that
bottom
when
I
was
15
years
sober.
And
those
principles
are
in
the
traditions
and
we
don't
talk
about
them
a
lot
of
groups,
but
I'm
going
to
talk
about
how
I
use
them
and
how
they
affect
me
in
my
personal
life.
I
don't
come
from
a
family
that
should
had
any
problems
at
all.
I
was
a
child
that
was
given
many
gifts
when
I
was
young.
I
had
nothing
to
overcome.
There
was
no
alcoholism
in
my
family.
The
only
thing
I
had
to
overcome
really
was
opportunity
and
I
ended
up
I
ended
up
I
was
a
gifted
kid.
I
was
given
whatever
I
needed.
We
were
not
a
wealthy
family,
but
we
were
an
honorable
family.
My
dad
is
one
of
the
most
decorated
P
51
pilots
from
World
War
2
and
retired
as
a
Colonel.
I
come
from
a
long
line
of
military
families.
We
have
a
lot
of
West
Point
Annapolis
graduates.
I
am
named
for
my
great,
great
grandfather.
My
name
is
Richard
Jefferson
Anderson.
I'm
named
for
Richard
Herron
Anderson,
who
was
General
Dick
Anderson
under
Robert
E
Lee
at
Gettysburg.
He
was
named
for
his
grandfather
who
was
Richard
Klo
Anderson,
who
was
a
general
under
George
Washington.
It
gets
worse.
My,
my
little
sister
is
a
retired
bird
Colonel,
her
husband's
a
retired
Colonel.
Their
boy
graduated
from
West
Point.
All
of
the
grand
generation.
We've
got
several
special
forces
and
a
bunch
of
Marines
and
and
so
and
all
of
these
people
were
like
that.
I
got
drunk,
sat
with
the
Marine
recruiter
and
was
a
staff
Sergeant
and
Vietnam.
And
so
I
was
the
black
sheep
of
the
family
and
I
was
not
career
because
the
military,
they
just
had
different
hours
than
I
did.
And
so,
but
that's
the
family
that
I
grew
up
in.
So
from
the
very
beginning,
I
did
not
feel
like
I
fit
in.
You
can
Google
my
ancestors,
you
know,
and
they
don't
have
numbers
under
their
names
either.
And
it
when
it,
when
you
Google
my
great
grandfather,
I'm
named
for
it.
He
was
one
of
these
favorite
generals
because
he
was
known
for
his
humility.
And
so
that's
the
way
my
family
was.
My
dad,
they
didn't
drink.
We
had
iced
tea
and,
and
eliminated
family
reunions.
My
dad
wasn't
down
to
the
VFW.
I
joined
the
VFW
so
I
could
get
a
drink
in
a
dry
county.
That
was
a
trick
that
a
friend
of
mine
taught
me.
But
my
dad
wasn't
down
there
doing
all
that.
So
that's
the
kind
of
family
I
grew
up
in.
And
and
so
from
the
very
beginning,
I
felt
estranged
from
my
family.
I
felt
I'll
at
ease.
I
felt
like
I
didn't
fit
in
with
my
family.
And
my
family
was
a
prayerful
family.
They
went
to
church.
They
believed
that
God
had
put
them
here
on
earth
to
be
of
service
and
they
weren't,
they
weren't
proud.
They
were.
And
so
I
just
didn't
feel
like
I
fit
in.
I
remember
trying
to
steal
a
nickel
off
my
mom's
dresser
so
I
could
go
get
a
candy
bar.
I
mean,
that
was
my
agenda.
My
family
was
out
doing
all
this
service
and
protecting
this
country
and
my
agenda
was
just
getting
something
for
me.
It
was
always
getting
something
for
me.
So
I'd
have
felt
like
I
didn't
fit
in
from
the
very
beginning.
But
everything
I
went
to,
even
the
activities,
I
was
involved
and
I
was
involved
in
4H
Little
League,
Boy
Scouts.
In
the
Boy
Scout
Handbook,
it
says
the
way
we
please
God
best
is
by
doing
something
kind
for
another
person
anonymously
each
day.
That's
exactly
the
premise
of
this
program
that
we're
in.
But
I
couldn't
get
that.
I
couldn't
get
that
when
I
was
a
kid
because
I
was
always
looking
at
what
you
thought
of
me.
And,
and
I
was,
I
was,
I
think
Sharon
was
talking
about,
you're
talking
to
somebody
and
they
mentioned
their
name
three
times
and
you
don't
remember
them.
And
that's
who
I
was.
I
was
self-conscious
when
I
was
a
kid
and
I,
I
knew
that
there
was
something
spiritual
there.
There
was
never
a
time
when
I
didn't
believe
that
there
was
a
God.
In
fact,
I
think
that
there
was
part
of
me
that
was
seeking
God
all
my
life.
I
did
graduate
work
and
I
went
to
UK
who
by
by
the
way
is
10
and
oh
and
and
will
go
from
#4
up
to
#2
this
this
week
in
basketball.
But
but
not
that
we
have
outside
opinions.
But
but
then
I
did
graduate
work
at
Transylvania
in
intercultural
studies
and
I
went
through
a
period
there
where
I
kind
of
tried
to
cut
down
on
my
drinking.
And
I
was
reading
Khalil
Gibran,
the
Prophet.
I
was
reading
all
kinds
of
any
book
Herman
has
a
I
was
reading
all
these
different
viewpoints
of
of
life.
Edgar
Cayce's
from
my
dad's
hometown
in
Hopkinsville.
So
at
Casey
had
this
psyche
gift
and
he
would
put
a
book
under
his
pillow
and
read
it.
And
I
tried
doing
the
same
thing,
putting
the
books
under
Go
and
read
it.
Apparently
he
did
it
without
Wild
Turkey.
And
so,
but
I
was
seeking,
I
was
always
seeking.
And
so
I
had,
I
did
not
feel
comfortable
all
in,
in,
in
person,
but
I
felt
comfortable
we
there
was
an
invention.
I
grew
up
in
the
50s
and
there
was
this
invention
called
the
television
and
it
was
black
and
white
and
it
had
these
shows
on
it.
And
the
shows
were
excellent
moral
teachers.
It
was
Andy
Griffith
Show
and
Leave
it
to
Beaver
and
Father
Knows
Best
and
Ozzie
and
Harriet
and
those
shows
became.
This
is
hard
for
me
to
explain,
but
I
actually
feel
more
even
today.
Sometimes
I
feel
more
comfortable
when
I'm
sitting
there
with
characters
I'm
a
writer
than
I
do
with
real
people.
Because,
you
know,
real
people,
sometimes
they
don't
say
what
you
write
them
to
say.
And
so,
so,
so
in
TV,
you
know,
that
became
my
moral
compass.
And
whenever
Opie
or
Wally
ever
got
off
the
beam,
then,
you
know,
Dad
would
just
take
his
pipe
and
kind
of
push
it
to
one
side,
say
something
wise,
and
Opie
or
Wally
would
get
the
message.
And
that
became
my
moral
compass.
And
I
had
my
first
spiritual
experience
when
I
was
probably
6-7
years
old.
I
went
to
the
drive-in
with
my
dad,
the
Colonel,
my
mom,
the
colonel's
wife,
and
my
little
sister,
the
soon
to
be
retired
Colonel,
and
all
at
the
east
drive
in.
And
I
saw
the
first
thing
I'd
ever
seen
in
color.
And
it
was
not
only
in
color,
it
was
in
Technicolor.
And
it
wasn't
little.
It
was
120
feet
wide
on
the
screen
at
the
drive-in.
The
big
book
says
lack
of
power
as
our
dilemma.
In
fact,
the
book
says
that
finding
a
power
is
the
whole
purpose
of
this
book.
And
for
that
reason
we're
going
to
talk
a
lot
about
God.
And
that's
what
the
12th
step
is
about.
It's
just
finding
a
relationship
with
a
power,
some
power
that
I
was
looking
for
all
my
life.
And
so
up
there
on
the
screen
was
tremendous
power
because
the
name
of
the
movie
was
The
10
Commandments.
And
there
was
this
guy
named
Moses,
and
he
had
a
staff
like
this.
And
all
he
had
to
do
was
take
that
staff
and
push
it
to
one
side.
And
the
Red
Sea
parted
and
the
wind
would
blow
in
his
hair.
And
I
just
remember
making
two
decisions
that
night
because
I
felt
like
an
infinite
with
family.
But
maybe
if
I
had
this
power,
that
was
the
kind
of
power
that
I
wanted.
Whatever
he
had
up
there
was
what
I
wanted.
So
the
next
day,
this
was
a
Saturday
night.
The
next
day
as
much
as
a
surprise
my
parents
I
went
down
the
aisle
at
Linden
Baptist
Church
and
they
were
playing
this
hymn
at
the
end
of
the
thing
the
called
I
surrender
all
and
I
surrendered
all.
It
was
about
this
tall
and
all
of
me
went
down
the
aisle
and
I
got
dipped
and
dunked
much
to
spread.
My
parents
were
not
aware
I
was
having
a
spiritual
awakening
at
the
drive
in
the
night
before
and
and
of
course
I
didn't
confer
with
them.
And
you
know,
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
we
have
a
great
gift
is
called
a
sponsor
and
I
didn't
have
a
sponsor
before
I
got
to
AI
had
nobody
I
could
tell
the
truth
to.
And
so
so
I'm
I'm
walking
down
the
aisle.
I
got
dipped
and
dunked
and
I
had
the
same
experience
that
and
I
believe
that
I
really
took
a
third
step.
I
believe
that
I
did
the
best
emotional
job
I
could
of
turned
my
life
and
everything
I
had
over
to
God.
But
I
did
the
same
thing
as
the
newcomer
who
comes
into
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
who
comes
in
and
goes
to
all
these
meetings
but
doesn't
do
anything
to
change.
I
wasn't
helping
anybody.
I
wasn't
doing
anything
to
change.
And
so
my
life
remained
the
same
and
I
was
still
that
scared
little
Baptist
Boy
Scout.
And
when
I
didn't
change
and
I
saw
other
people
smiling
and
and
it
looked
like
they
had
what
I
I
thought
God
didn't
want
me.
So
I
made
a
decision
that
God
didn't
want
me.
I
didn't
believe
that
God
didn't
exist.
I
believe
that
God
didn't
want
me
because
of
the
way
I
was
and
I
didn't
know
why
I
was
the
way
I
was.
Frank
talking
about
he
doesn't
know
why
he
is
the
way
is.
That's
exactly
how
I
felt.
I
didn't
know
why
it
was
the
way
I
was.
I
didn't
grow
up
in
that
kind
of
family
and
I
had
all
the
opportunities.
And
so
I
went
through
the
motions.
I
did
all
the
things
I
was
supposed
to.
I
was
a
good
kid.
I
was,
I
mean,
as
far
as
my
parents
knew,
they
thought
I
was
happy.
I
was
making
good
grades.
I
was
starting
quarterback
on
the
football
team.
I
was
active
in
a
lot
of
things
and
playing
in
bands
and
and
so
forth.
I
had
my
next
spiritual
experience
when
I
was
14,
a
buddy
of
mine
who
played
left
field
and
I
was
the
center
fielder
on
a
Babe
Ruth
League
Baseball
team
we
were
camping
out
in.
His
older
brother
got
us
a
six
pack
of
beer
and
a
half
planted
gem.
And
that
six
pack
of
beer
I
drank
and
he
drank
the
gin.
And
I,
for
the
first
time
in
my
life,
felt
like,
I
thought
what
Moses
must
have
felt
like
when
he
was
up
there
with
the
wind
blowing
through
his
ear.
Because
when
that
beer
filled
me
up,
I
felt
absolutely
No
Fear.
All
of
that
fear
that
I
had
of
you
and
of
life
just
disappeared.
And
I
absolutely
felt
like
I
was
6
feet
tall.
And
from
the
beginning
I
was
not
a
stay
at
home
drunk.
I
was
go
to
town
drunk.
Going
to
town
when
you're
14
minutes
he
hit
means
hitchhiking.
And
we
hitchhiked
up
to
a
place
called
the
White
Castle.
I
don't
think
they've
got
them
out
here,
but
it's
a
place
over
in
the
Midwest
and
part
of
the
South
where
they
sell
these
little
hamburgers.
They
got
a
bunch
of
onions
on
them
that
seem
like
it's
a
good
idea
to
eat
a
dozen
them
at
3:00
in
the
morning
when
you're
drunk.
And
so
my
buddy
and
I
show
up
there
at
midnight.
Now
he
drank
the
gin
and
he's
not
having
the
same
spiritual
experience
I
am.
He's
starting
to
feel
a
little
woozy.
And
I
never
had
a
cup
of
coffee
either.
But
I
had
seen
where
in
Perry
Mason,
if
you
have
too
much
to
drink,
if
you
have
a
cup
of
coffee,
it'll
sober
you
up
so
you
can
talk
to
the
police.
So
I
ordered,
I
ordered
a
cup
of
coffee
for
my
buddy
and
Dave
had
the
coffee.
Now
I
am
having
the
time
of
my
life.
I've
been
to
White
Castle
before,
but
I've
never
had
this
experience.
They
call
it
distilled
spirits.
And
for
me
it
was
AI
know
now
that
it
wasn't
real,
but
it
was
the
only
time
I'd
ever
had
this
kind
of
experience.
It
was
a
spiritual
experience.
I
was
friends
with
people.
I
had
a
girlfriend.
She
was
a
little
bit
older
than
me,
redhead,
working
behind
the
counter.
I
was
table
hopping
and
meeting
some
of
the
people.
But
my
buddy
Dave
is
not
having
the
spiritual
experience.
So
I
got
him
this
cup
of
coffee
and
then
he
didn't
have
an
experience
that
I
think
he
enjoyed
either.
He
threw
up
all
the
way
down
the
counter.
And
if
you're
looking
for
Louisville
City
policeman
at
midnight,
turns
out
the
best
place
to
find
them
is
at
the
White
Castle.
So
two
of
them
showed
up,
asked
me
how
old
he
was.
14
How
old
are
you?
14?
So
I
was
in
Louisville
City
Jail
4
hours
after
I
took
my
first
drink.
That
was
the
end
of
my
social
drinking.
By
the
time
I
got
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
I
had
been
locked
up
22
times.
Only
one
of
them
was
a
DUI.
Most
of
them
were
for
acts
of
defiance.
I
didn't
even
make
any
money
off
my
crime.
I
mean,
it
was
there
was
acts
of
defiance.
I
was
the
guy,
all
of
this
anger,
and
I
didn't
realize
I
had
it,
but
because
God
turned
me
away
and
I
didn't
fit
in
my
family.
If
you're
totally
isolated
like
that,
I
know
how
Frank
feels.
I
was
just
angry.
And
why
was
I
angry?
I
mean,
I
was
given
everything,
but
I
was
just
angry.
So
I
was
the
guy.
If
you
were
pulled
over
on
the
side
of
the
road
and
a
cop
was
talking
to
you,
I
would
pull
behind.
I
say,
officer,
what's
the
problem
here?
And
my
buddies
love
me
because
they
always
went
home.
And
I
was
the
guy
that
went
back
with
it
with
handcuffs.
I
was,
I
was
locked
up
at
my
senior
prom.
I
was
locked
up
six
times
my
senior
year,
my
senior
prom.
By
now
I'm
18.
And
because
of
the
way
I
lived,
my
family
had
asked
me
to
leave.
Now
I
felt
even
lonelier.
Now,
the
story
that
I'm
telling
you
now
is
not
what
I
recognized
at
the
time.
All
I
looked
for
then
was
the
feeling
I
had
when
the
alcohol
in
it
was
in
because
it
was
the
only
time
I
could
tolerate
me
or
you.
But
now
looking
back
on
and
I
see
where
God
was
leading
me
all
the
time
and
I
had
no
idea.
That's
part
of
my
spiritual
awakening.
I
see
that
God
was
there
all
the
time.
I
was
the
one
that
was
disconnected.
But
at
my
senior
prom,
I
get
locked
up.
I
was
living
in
an
apartment
with
some
older
kids
because
I
was
told
I
couldn't
live
at
home
and
act
that
way.
So
I
I
just
got
a
shared
apartment
with
some
other
kids,
older
kids.
And
now
I
find
I
went
to
school
where
people
did
not
get
in
trouble.
Nobody
in
my
family
got
locked
up.
And
I,
for
the
first
time,
I
got
a
little
bit
of
the
media
attention.
I
got
locked
up
the
same
time
we
have
prom
in
Louisville.
We
have
something
called
the
Kentucky
Derby
and
the
Kentucky
Derby.
We
have
about
half
a
million
people
over
to
enjoy
a
horse
race.
And
this
was
in
the
60s
and
I
had
gone
to
school
with
two
black
kids
and
about
3000
white
kids.
And
I
got
along
with
the
two
black
kids.
So
I
thought
I
knew
all
about
race
relations.
This
time
I
was
over
18.
And
two
counts
of
salt
and
battery
on
a
police
officer
are
not
a
juvie
or
it's
a
felony
count.
So
they
put
me
the
felons,
and
there
were
eight
bays
and
there
I
was
in
there
with
seven
Black
Panthers
who
had
been
locked
up
for
coming
into
blow
up
Churchill
Downs.
They
had
a
bunch
of
explosives
with
them.
So
the
next
morning,
my
parents,
who
hadn't
seen
me
for
a
while,
discovered
exactly
where
I
was,
because
on
NBC,
ABC
and
CBS
they
brought
out
the
Seven
Black
Panthers
and
me
and
my
little
powder
blue
tuxedo
jacket.
So
this
gets
more
and
more
confusing
and
I'm
not,
I'm
thinking
that
the
answer
to
this,
I'm
reading
Hemingway,
Fitzgerald,
all
of
the
all
of
the
writers
that
I
followed
were
alcoholic.
I
mean,
you
know,
I
didn't
read
the
part
about
Hemingway
shooting
his
head
off
with
a
shotgun
and
all
that
stuff.
But
but
they
were,
they
drank.
We
sat,
we
drank.
And
you
know,
I
was
still
watching
lots
of
film.
I
went
to,
I
saw
The
Graduate
10
times
when
it
came
out
and,
and
I
had
I'd
been,
you
know,
I'd
never
smoked
all
the
way
through
'cause
I
was
an
athlete.
I
saw
The
Graduate
and
I
started
smoking
and
I
had
an
affair
with
an
older
woman.
She'd
be
about
89
now.
And
so
I've
got
all
this
stuff
now.
The
point
is
that
I'm
living.
The
only
time
I
feel
comfortable
is
I'm
living
in
a
fantasy
land
over
here.
And
when
I'm
have
to
walk
back
in
to
deal
with
real
people
or
on
the
rare
occasions
where
there's
any
idea
that
I
should
have
contact
with
God,
I'm
getting
more
and
more
uncomfortable
with
that.
The
only
time
I'm
comfortable
is
when
I'm
full
of
whiskey.
And
I
was
very
destructive.
I,
I
left
that
church
as
a
kid
and
the
high
school
that
my
parents
went
to
when
were
Scottish
and,
and
the,
we,
they
went
back
to
the
Presbyterian
Church.
And
that
church
is
where
my
dad
still
belongs.
My
dad's
89.
He
got
remarried.
My
mom
died
about
five
years
ago
and
my
dad
got
remarried
at
that
church
two
years
ago
at
the
age
of
87.
And
he's
an
old
test
pilot.
He's
still
driving.
He
can't
see
her
here,
but
you
know,
he's,
you
know,
you
can't
tell
an
old
fighter
pal
or
anything.
So,
but,
but
that's
the
church
my
dad
goes
to
now.
I
had
actually
defaced
that
building.
I
had
actually
gone
in
and
tried
to
destroy
the
building
thinking
I'd
get
back
at
God.
I'm
angry
and
I'm
getting
angrier
and,
and,
and
I
decided
that
you
know
what,
we
sat,
we
drank,
we
enlisted
and
I
go
off
to
Vietnam.
I
actually
did
OK.
I
got
good
rank.
I
was
a
staff
Sergeant,
which
was
good
rank
for
enlisted.
I,
I
think
because
of
all
my
experience
and
every
summer,
all
I
ever
did
was
go
to
some
kind
of
military
thing
that
I
was
used
to
it.
It's
like
prisoners
who
get
used
to
prison.
I
was
comfortable
in
the
military
and
and
I
did
OK
and
but
I
knew
I
wasn't
going
to
be
there
forever
because
again,
the
hours
thing
was
a
not
working
out
well
and
getting
up
for
formation.
So
I
got
out
of
that
and
I
came
back
to
Louisville
and
met
a
beautiful
woman
and
we
were
going
to
get
married.
Just
tried
to
figure
out
what
to
do
with
her
husband.
And
he
was
an
advanced
man
for
the
Nixon
administration.
So
now
I'm
going
through
all
this
stuff.
Every
time
I
think
I'm
going
to
find
something,
you
know,
it's
now
I
got,
I
got,
I
was,
I
was,
I
never
got
married.
I
didn't
have
any
divorces
to
deal
with
because
I
was
engaged
6
times
before
I
got
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
no
one
as
soon
as
we
get
close
to
the
wedding,
it
didn't
happen.
And
I
was
at
the
same
time,
I
wanted
so
badly
to
just
be
normal.
I
just
wanted
to
be
my
like
my
dad.
I
want
my
dad
to
be
proud
of
me.
But
when
I
got
back
from
Vietnam,
my
dad,
I
was
staying
with
my
dad
at
his
house
for
a
few
days
and
and,
and
they
ran
out
of
booze.
Well,
I
ran
out
of
booze
and,
and
so
I
decided
I'd
go
out
and
he
tried
to
stop
me
because
I
was
drunk.
And
so
I
knocked
my
dad
down.
My
hero.
I'm
knocking
my
dad
down
as
the
rest
of
family
is
watching
from
the
landing
and
my
mom
and
sister
are
crying
so
I
can
get
out
to
get
a
drink.
So
obviously
my
relationship
with
my
dad
was
strained
and
estranged
for
a
long
time.
When
I
got
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
I
had
no
relationship
with
my
family,
so
it
didn't
take
long.
I
was
a
good
at
what
I
did
and
I
got
a
job
where
I
only
had
to
work
a
couple
hours
a
day
and
I
was
writing
and
producing
commercials.
When
I
came
back,
I
worked
for
a
big
agency
in
New
York.
I
got
fired
from
one
job
and
Louisville
went
to
New
York
and
I
was
doing
Coca-Cola
commercials
and
I
did
the
one
they
tried
out
with
the
football
player
each
year
at
at
Super
Bowl.
Thank
you.
All
the
Super
Bowl
people
think
it's
the
best.
They
they
voted
the
best
ad
of
ever
written
a
fear.
But
there
are
better
ads.
It's
just
if
you're
a
Super
Bowl
fan,
it
seems
like
a
good
ad.
But
anyway,
but
I
was
winning
awards.
I
got
Cleo's,
I've
got
Emmys,
I've
got
all
these
things.
I
had
talent.
I
only
had
to
work
for
a
couple
hours
each
day.
They
let
me
have
a
bar
in
the
office,
but
I
finally
got
to
the
point
where
that
wasn't
even
working.
My
last
two
years
I
spent
sleeping
on
a
bathroom
floor.
I
had
lost
the
ability
to
control
my
kidneys
or
bowels.
I
was
delusional.
I
had
was
becoming
very,
very
paranoid
and
thought
people
were
trying
to
get
me.
And
I
had
a
45
sidearm
in
case
somebody
really
was
trying
to
get
me
and
I
was
down
to
I
had
a
pair
of
pants
yellow.
I
still
have
everything
I
owned
in
one
box
when
I
came
to
a
yellow
pair
of
pants.
This
this
box
that
I
have
has
a
yellow
pair
of
pants,
a
blue
shirt,
2
wheat,
two
pairs,
a
pair
of
Weejuns.
These
are
loafers
with
hole
in
the
bottom.
And
that
did
the
45
disappeared
someplace,
but
that
was
all
I
owned
and
I
wasn't
paying
rent
and
I
slept
in
this
on
the
bathroom
and
I
was
bleeding
from
my
stomach
and
I
couldn't
eat.
So
my
last
two
years,
I
would
come
to
try
to
get
something
down,
dry
heat
for
a
little
while,
sit
there
and
I
had
a
little
black
and
white
TV
on
the
linoleum
floor.
And
then
I
would
pass
out
again.
And
that
was
my
life.
And
the
only
thing
I
did
outside
of
that
was
walk
up
to
the
liquor
store.
I
didn't
have
a
car.
I
was
beyond
all
that.
And,
and
I
was
27
years
old
and
I
got
evicted
from
that
apartment
and
I
remember
when
I
did,
they
don't
give
you
5
days,
they
give
you
6
days
or
two
weeks,
but
that's
never
enough
time.
And
so
I
went
to
this
liquor
store
knowing
that
the
next
day
I
was
living
out
on
the
street.
And
the
guy
said,
just
a
minute.
And
he
brought
out
the
owner.
And
the
owner
says,
we
can't
take
this
check.
And
we
know
that
the
last
few
checks
you've
written
are
no
good.
So
we're
going
to
ask
you
not
to
come
into
our
liquor
store.
And
it's
embarrassing.
And
as
humiliating
as
it
was,
my
only
thought
was,
oh
God,
I
hope
she
gives
me
that
whiskey.
Now
there
are
many,
many
spiritual
experiences
that
happened
before,
but
this
is
when
the
series
starts.
They
did
give
me
that
bottle
of
whiskey
and
I
walked
back
around
the
corner
to
this
place
where
I
was
going
to
lie
down
to
sleep.
And
it
was
a
concrete
area.
And
it
was
June
the
8th
of
1977
is
my
sobriety
date.
And
I,
I
come
around
the
corner
and,
and
whatever
happened,
it
was
almost
like
slow
motion.
That
bottle
broke.
And
when
it
broke,
I
was
more
hopeless
and
helpless
and
fearful
than
I
ever
had
been
in
a
firefight
because
I
had
nothing
to
fight
back
with.
And
all
the
rage
I'd
had
in
me
all
that
time
came
out
and
I
started
cursing
God
at
the
top
of
my
lungs
because
I
had
that
45
and
I
had
a
bullet
in
the
chamber.
And
I
got
ready
to
pull
the
trigger
because
I
couldn't
live
without
this
alcohol.
And
so
the
only
way
for
me
to
go
was
to
pull
this
trigger.
I
wasn't
writing
a
note.
I
wasn't
getting
attention,
but
I
just,
I
was
ending
my
life
and
I
had
never
done
any
of
the
things
I
really
wanted
to
do.
And
I
had
never
become
the
person
I
wanted
to
become.
And
all
I
heard
when
I
was
a
kid
was
about
all
the
potential
I
had.
And
so
I
up
getting
ready
to
pull
that
trigger
and
I
started
yelling,
got
blanket,
got
blanket,
got
blanket.
Something
broke.
And
I
said,
God
help
me,
God
help
me,
God
help
me.
And
a
scene
from
that
movie
Days
of
Wine
and
Roses,
which
I
had
seen
probably
50
times
when
I
was
drunk,
came
to
life
right
in
front
of
me.
And
it
was
almost
like
I
was
really
in
that
movie.
And
it
was
Jack
Klugman
walking
up
to
Jack
Lemmon
and
said,
I
understand
you
need
help.
I'm
from
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
that
was
a
12
step
call
because
that
had
been
written
by
a
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
the
script
had
been
approved
by
our
public
information
a
chair
up
there.
And
that
was
a
living
breathing
movie.
Go
back
and
look
at
that
movie.
I
take
my
newcomers.
We
have
a
Daisy
wine
and
roses
thing
and
they'll
look
at
it
and
the
younger
people
have
never
seen
it
before
and
said,
man,
but
that's
that's
that
was
the
1st
12
step.
That
was
a
12
step
column
me.
And
when
I
had
come
back
from
Vietnam,
I
went
with
a
friend
of
mine,
a
Gunny,
my
drinking
buddy,
Gunny
Gunny
Bob
DI
Hope.
His
last
name
is
D
by
now
and
he,
he
was
the
one
that
told
me
about
joining
the
VFW.
So
and
we
had
to
go
to
a
mandatory
drug
abuse
seminar.
And
at
this
mandatory
drug
abuse
seminar
where
a
bunch
of
us
sitting
there
and
they're
all
newbies
except
for
the
two
of
us.
We
got
our
sunglasses
on.
If
you're
going
to
mandatory
drug
abuse
seminar,
you
take
couple
shooters,
which
we
did.
So
we
had
a
little
buzz
goes
a
man
and
we're
sitting
in
the
back
of
the
room.
We're
back
from
the
nom.
This
guy
gets
up.
He's
a
member.
He
says
my
name
is
Charles
and
I'm
an
alcoholic,
but
I
don't
drink
anymore
because
I'm
a
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
He
was
a
member
of
a
local
group
who
would
come
and
talk
to
a
bunch
of
troops
just
to
share
his
story.
He
was
making
a
12
step
call
on
me.
And
when
I
would
stay
up
late
at
night
drunk
and
see
those
old
movies,
they'd
be
these
Psas
on
there
instead
of
if
drinking
is
is
if
you
like
to
drink,
that's
your
business.
If
you
if,
if
it's
a
problem,
then
that's
our
business
Call
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
That's
the
only
ad
they
had.
And
I
thought
it
was
a
great
ad.
I
still
think
it's
a
great
ad
and
but
it
was
on
there
late
at
night
and
when
a
A
would
come
to
town
and
back
in
the
old
days,
the
press
would
cover
it
and
they'd
interview
people
and
they
have
stuff
over
their
face
masks
over
their
face
or
they'd
have
their
it'd
be
backlit
so
you
could
see
silhouettes
and
their
voices
like
and
so,
but
you
got
the
idea
that
there
were
people
that
could
get
sober.
And
I
knew
that
there
was
Alcoholics
Anonymous
was
in
town.
I
wish
we
did
that
more
now.
But
but
but
all
those
things,
12
stepped
me.
You
had
12
stepped
me
because
you
were
on
some
Pi
committee
or
because
you
were
willing
to
go
be
an
outside
speaker.
You
12
step
me.
And
if
you
hadn't
done
that,
I
wouldn't
have
known
where
to
go.
But
I
walked
instead
of
pulling
the
trigger.
That
moment
of
of
seeing
days
of
wine
and
roses
in
front
of
me
gave
me
some
peace.
And
I
walked
up
to
a
phone
booth
on
a
street
corner
and
I
called
the
operator.
And
the
operator,
because
you
had
done
some
12
step
work
with
her,
answered
the
phone
and
I
didn't
even
have
a
dime.
So
I
called
the
operator
and
I
said
I
started
crying.
I
said
I'm
an
alcoholic
and
which
probably
wasn't
her
typical
request,
but
I
said
I
think
I'm
an
alcoholic.
And
instead
of
just
hanging
up
on
me,
she
knew
to
call
this
woman
who
had
just
started
as
the
the
manager
of
the
central
office
in
Atlanta.
Her
name
was
Helen
Rowe.
And
Helen
Rowe
had
just
started
there
the
year
before,
and
she's
still
there.
And
I
call
her
every
year
on
my
birthday.
I
was
speaking
up
at
when
we
were
speaking
to
Calgary,
Sharon
and
Clancy
and
I
spoke
together
on
my
30th
birthday.
And
I
was
in
Calgary
and
my
host
took
me
up
to
Banff
was
one
of
the
most
beautiful
places
on
earth.
And
I
called
her.
And
not
only
was
I
in
Banff
having
a
great
time,
I
was
speaking
to
something
useful.
And
I
was
calling
and
thanking
her
because
she
was
there
at
a
central
office.
The
group
and
the
central
offices
are
the,
the,
the,
the
core
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
It's
I
person
and
she
sent
out
a
guy
and
if
she
hadn't
answered
the
phone,
I
wouldn't
be
here.
And
she
sent
out
a
guy
named
Ed.
And
Ed
was
a
guy
that
I
would
not
normally
related
to
him.
He
was
a
railroad
man,
obviously.
I
was
kind
of
a
hip
avant-garde
writer,
a
little
bit
on
the
downside
and,
and,
and,
and
he
was
a
railroad
man.
And
he
came
and
he
he
talked
to
me
and
he
had
a
bad
toupee
smoke
in
a
pipe
and
he
wasn't
old
enough
to
smoke
a
pipe.
And
he
he
was
a
year
and
a
half
sober.
He
lived
in
a
little
place
at
the
Darlington
Apartments
where
he
had
a
room
with
a
hot
plate,
but
he
had
a
car.
You
know
how
we
are.
And
so
when
much
of
A
car
was
a
Pinto
that
still
had
the
sticker
on
the
side,
but
he
comes
out
and
he's
got
a
pair
of
a
striped
shirt
and
a
pair
of
Plaid
pants.
So
I'm
immediately
thinking,
I
don't,
I
don't
think
so.
And
so
shoot
myself
or
go
with
a
guy
with
Plaid
pants
and
striped
shirt.
So,
but
he
started
talking
to
me
and
he'd
read
the
big
book
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
because
he
had
read
the
big
book,
he
didn't
tell
me,
he
didn't
criticize
me.
He
didn't
say
you're
a
mess.
He
didn't
say
you
smell
like
what
you're
in.
What
he
did
was
he
told
me
his
story
and
they
said,
what
do
you
do?
And
I
said,
I
think
I'm
an
alcoholic.
And
he
said,
well,
you
know,
I
didn't
realize
at
that
point
that
being
an
alcoholic
is
not
a
vocation.
And
but
I
said,
and
I
just
discovered
it
apparently
in
the
few
minutes
before
calling
him.
So
it
was
news
to
me
and
I
wanted
to
tell
him.
But
anyway,
so
he,
he
said
that
he
said,
no,
what,
what
have
you
done?
What
did
you
do
for
a
living?
And
I
said,
oh,
I
wrote
some
things
and
I
told
him
a
couple
things.
I
said,
well,
God
gave
you
a
lot
of
talent,
didn't
he
said
you'll
be
able
to
use
that
again
after
you
get
sober.
He
was
the
first
person,
He
was
the
first
person
who
had
seen
something
in
me
that
was
worth
anything
at
all,
who
made
that
remark
to
me.
Because
nobody,
my
family,
even
the
people
I
drank
with
did
want
to
be
with
me.
And
and
he
saw
some
value
in
me
and
I
did
a
most
complete
third
step
I've
ever
done
with
him.
I
turned
myself
over
to
him.
He
suggested
we
get
rid
of
the
firearm
or
at
least
take
the
round
out
of
the
chamber.
But
but
so,
and
I
went
with
him
and
he
stopped
at
one
of
these
little
machines,
ATM
machine.
This
was
the
70s.
I've
never
seen
one
before.
And
this
year
I
got
sober
was
the
year
that
Elvis
died.
Star
Wars
came
out
and
they
came
out
with
ATM
machines.
And
so
and
I
was
not
real
hip
to
any
of
that
at
the
time.
But
the
ATM
machine
he
said,
and
he
said,
I'm
going
to
stop
here.
And,
and,
and
he
said,
I
said,
what's
an
ATM
machine?
You've
got
this
little
card
I
put
in
there
and
I
get
money
really.
And
then
my
thought
that
goes
through
my
mind
was
if
I
had
one
of
those
cards,
I
wouldn't
be
need
to
call
this
guy
an
A,
A
but
anyway,
so
but
he
says,
will
you
be
OK?
He
gets
out
of
the
car
and
while
he's
doing
that,
I
throw
up
down
the
inside
of
his
window.
And
he
came
back
and
the
only
thing
he
did
was
put
his
arm
around
me
and
say
it's
going
to
be
OK
because
he
was
carrying
the
message.
And
the
way
he
lived,
he
knew
that
we
don't
have
cars
or
jobs
or
anything
else
unless
we're
willing
to
help
a
wet
drunk.
And
if
he
had
said
anything
critical
to
me,
I
wouldn't
be
here.
It's
hard
for
me
to.
I
mean,
when
you
get
into
this,
it's
hard
to
express
all
the
gratitude
you've
got
for
what
everybody,
everybody
bid
for
me.
So
I
came
in
here,
I
had
my
four
days
of
DTS
like
everybody
else
at
that
time.
And
I
was
I
was
in
one
of
those
places
that
he
took
me
to
place
that
he
dried
out
in
and
my
third
days
of
DTS
that
they
were
trying
to
brighten
the
the
atmosphere
for
the
patients.
And
they
were
having
a
zoo
day
where
people
were
dressed
up
as
animals.
And
I
was
still
in
D
TS.
And
if
you're
in
treatment,
not
not
a
good
idea.
No
so.
But
I
had
an
old
guy
named
Joe
Hubbard
who
had
at
that
time
about
30
years
in
the
program.
He's
dead
now,
but
he
came
put
his
he
12
step
to
Lynn
Wilder
and
he
came
and
put
his
hand
on
my
arm.
And
I
learned
how
to
work
with
wet
drunks
because
if
wet
drunks
delusional,
they're
they're
hallucinating.
If
you
human
contact
brings
him
back.
And
so
he
did
that
with
me
and
he
sat
with
me.
And
from
that
day
until
now,
I've
never
had
a
time
where
there
weren't
a
bunch
of
men
who
would
do
anything
and
everything
to
help
me
stay
sober.
And
Joe
did
that
for
me.
And
the
big
book
says
when
we
take
that
third
step,
that
God
provides
everything
we
need.
And
I
certainly
had
surrendered
the
fact
that
I
drinking,
there
must
be
something
else
was
going
to
happen.
I'd
cried
out
to
God.
So
somebody
put
me
in
a
car
to
go
back
to
my
hometown
of
Louisville
and
they
assigned
a
sponsor.
And
because
I
had
brain
damage,
it
took
me
about
a
year
and
a
half
to
learn
how
to
read
because
of
the
way
I've
been
drinking
my
last
two
years.
It
was
over
a
year
before
I
could
read
anything
or
comprehend
anything.
And
I
was
confused
a
lot.
And
I
will
say
one
thing.
I
hear
a
lot
of
this
thing
like
shut
up
and
get
in
the
car.
Nobody
ever
told
me
to
shut
up.
Everybody
showed
me
unconditional
love
because
I,
I
was
in
bad
shape.
And
everybody,
it
may
have
been
firm
with
me
and
they
may
have
not
taught,
but
you
know,
I
to
10
meetings
a
week
and
item
or
speaker
meetings.
And
one
was
a
big
book
meeting,
another
was
a
12:00
and
12:00.
And
if
you
had
worked
the
step,
you
could
share,
if
not,
you
could
ask
a
question.
So
there
was
no
time
when
I
was
going
to
be
talking
anyway.
We
talked
at
the
Howard
Johnsons
after
the
meetings,
but
they,
but
they
immediately
started
taking
me
on
12
step
calls
with
them.
But
they
assigned
me
a
sponsor
and
his
name
was
Jack
Sullivan.
He
was
another
railroad
man.
And
so
they
wrote
that
on
the
back
of
they
or
me.
I'm
a
little
vague
on
a
few
details
in
the
beginning,
but
somebody
wrote
it
on
the
back
of
my
hand.
I
had
Jack
Sullivan
and
his
phone
number.
So
I
go
to
Louisville,
call
Jack,
and
immediately
I
was
in
this
group.
Now
I
had
no
place
to
stay.
I
borrowed
the
car
to
get
up
there.
So
theoretically
I
have
no
plan,
but
but
this
is
my
this
is
what
I've
learned
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
God
has
a
plan
and
even
takes
care
of
all
the
details.
That's
the
gift.
That
was
my
spiritual
awakening.
I
was
starting
to
see
that
I
haven't
had
a
desire
for
a
drink
since
that
first
day.
Not
once,
not
ever.
I
haven't
had
a
desire
for
a
drink.
God
took
it
away
and
it's
been
gone
the
whole
time,
but
that
was
that.
I
can't
even
tell
you
what
a
gift
that
was.
And
there
are
times
when
I've
forgotten
that
gift.
I've
forgotten
how
good
God
was
to
me.
That's
my
problem.
I
take
it
back.
So
I
didn't
have
a
place
to
stay
and
they
put
me
in,
this
guy
had
a,
they
were
all
functioning
people,
had
wives,
families.
They
put
me
in
a
basement.
They
didn't
have
a
little
treatment
centers
there.
So
I
stayed
in
the
basement
where
there
were
two
beds
and
I
got
to
work
with
the
wet
drunks.
And
from
the
second
day
I
was
there,
they
took
me
on
a
12
step
call
and
we
would
go
and
we
call
on
those
people
and
you
know,
they
look
like
they
were
dead.
And
then
you
get
to
watch
some
of
them.
A
lot
of
them
didn't
stay,
but
those
who
did
stay
and
I'd
stay
up
with
them
at
night,
get
irritated
at
first
because
after
two
or
three
weeks,
you
think,
you
know,
and
I'm
helping
this
guy
and
I'm
staying
up
with
him
for
three
nights.
And
but
they
pointed
out
that
I
was
staying
sober
and
I
was
getting
the
gift
of
working
with
a
wet
drunk.
And
if
there's
anybody
in
there
who
hasn't
worked
with
a
wet
drunk,
I
wish
that
you
get,
that's
my,
my
Christmas
wish
for
you
is
that
you
get
to
work
with
a
wet
drunk.
Last
weekend
when
we
produced
the,
the
Woodstock.
That's
something
that
I,
I
feel
good
about,
like
Bob
feels
good
about
this.
It'll,
it's
something
that'll
live
on.
But
the
night
before
I
went
down
to
do
that,
I
sat
in
a
hotel
room
for
two
hours
with
a
girl
who
had
been
in
an
induced
coma
because
she
was
having
so
many
seizures,
was
two
days
out
of
her
induced
coma,
and
she
was
asking
me
why
she
couldn't
drink
like
other
people.
But
she's
now
been
sober
for
8-9
days
because
we
got
her
into
a
place
and
that
wet,
that
column,
that
wet
drunk
was
one
of
the
bright
spots
of
my
life
in
the
last
two
months.
I
love
that.
So
if
you
get
a
chance
to
do
that,
so
I'm
getting
a
chance
to
do
that.
I
was
pouring
coffee
at
one
of
those
clubs
and
I
got
one
of
the
first
gifts
that
I
couldn't
give
anything
away
to
anybody.
I
couldn't
really
do
anything
for
anybody,
but
they
gave
me
a
gift.
They
gave
me
the
gift
of
a
job
and
they
didn't
want
me
because
I
couldn't
think.
Well,
they
didn't
want
me
to
do
have
any
of
the
jobs
that
involved
math,
like
making
coffee.
And
so
I
was
in
Louisville,
KY.
If
you
came
in
at
that
time
and
you
didn't
smoke,
it
was
mandatory
that
you
learned
how
to
smoke.
So
I
was
the
ashtray
guy
for
my
Home
group
and
we
had
those
little
ashtrays
that
were
round
and
they
were
red,
green,
blue,
they
were
Christmas
tree
colors
and
they
were
round.
GSO
actually
sold
those
at
one
time
and,
and
so
and
they
were
engineered
so
that
the
cigarette
ashes
would
chemically
fuse
with
the
metal.
And
my
job
was
to
take
the
Brillo
pad
and
get
them
out
of
there.
And
I
was
a
good
ashtray
guy
and,
and,
and
I
was
real
proud
of
being
on
ashtray.
And
I
was
actually,
I
was
proud
of
being
the
ashtray
guy
than
I
wasn't
being
the
youngest
creative
director
is
this
ad
agency
in
New
York
because
one
was
real
and
one
was
not.
And
so
I
was
ashtray
guy
and
then
I
found
out
about
another
spiritual
gift.
We
have
an
A,
a
which
is
called
rotation,
which
prevents
any
of
us
from
taking
over
because
you
know
how
we
don't
like
to
take
over
and
so.
So
I
was
the
ashtray
guy
for
about
for
over
a
year
and
I
did
a
fine
job
of
keeping
those
ashtrays
clean.
And,
and
they
came
up
and
they
said
we've
got
a
new
guy
that's
going
to
be
the
ashtray
guy.
Well,
my
brain
was
opening
up
and
I
was
starting
to
think
a
little
bit
better.
And
they
said,
and
I
said,
you
know,
they
said
we've
got
a
new
guys
name
is
Raymond.
He's
going
to
be
the
ashtray
guy.
And
I
said,
I
don't
think
so.
Am
I
not
doing
a
good
job?
And
they
said
yes,
but
we
have
another
job
for
you.
You're
going
to
be
the
chairman.
I
said
I'm
going
to
be
the
chairman.
You're
going
to
be
the
chairman.
You're
going
to
be
the
person
who
sets
up
the
chairs
and,
and
so
I
was
eager
and
so,
but
there
were
only
10
ashtrays
in
their
40
chairs.
So
I'm
not
stupid.
This
is
a
promotion
and
I
but
I
would
tell
you
until
I
got
until
I
got
to
the
point
where
I
could
start
thinking
and
actually
working
through
these
steps.
I
did
three
house
cleanings
my
first
year
and
a
half,
but
it
was
not
it
was
the
same
girl
was
I
only
had
one
resentment.
It
was
the
same
girl.
I
don't
remember
what
her
name
was
now,
but
apparently
I
was
irritated
at
her.
And
so
there
wasn't
much
if
your
if
your
brains
not
working,
you
can't
get
much
out.
But
what
kept
me
sober
was
being
here
committed
you
making
me
feel
like
I
belonged.
You
let
me
stay
in
your
home.
You
let
me
go
go
places
with
you.
People
took
me
to
conferences
when
I
didn't
have
the
money
and
paid
for
them.
There's
no
way
for
me
to
pay
that
back
except
to
pass
it
along.
This
was
the
gift
I
was
given.
You
just
took
me
up
like
I
was
a
member
of
your
family.
And
you
gave
me
all
these
gifts.
And
I
knew
that
I
couldn't
express
myself.
I
couldn't
tell
you
what
I
was
thinking,
but
what
I
knew
was
that
I
had
never
experienced
in
the
kind
of
unconditional
love
that
I
experienced.
Anonymous
and
I
don't
know
where
else
we
are
kind
of
people
would
find
that.
And
so
this
was
happening
to
me.
Now
I
finally
get
to
do
what
we've
done
and
talked
about
this
weekend.
I'm
working
through
the
steps.
I
got
through
the
the
4th
and
5th
step
and
realized
that
I
was
angry
at
everybody.
I
was
separated
from
God
and
angry
at
God.
I
was
separated
from
people
and
angry
at
people.
I
had
a
huge
number
of
character
defects
all
built
around
fear
because
my
anger
came
out
of
fear.
And,
and
so
I
deal
with
that
and
I
go
through
the
9th
step
and
this
is
where
the
real
miracles
start
to
take
place.
I
go
to
Linda
Baptist
Church,
that
church
that
I
had
felt
like
abandoned
me
when
I
was
a
kid
and
I
apologized
to
them
on
a
Sunday
night
out
of
fear
sponsor
and,
and
on
that
night,
and
by
this
time
I'm
a
year
and
a
half,
two
years
sober
my
and,
and
on
that
night,
I'm
up
there
apologizing
to
this
church
and
two
things
happened.
An
entire
group
of
people
in
that
church
loved
me
unconditionally.
I
asked
if
I
could
be
part
of
that
church
for
a
couple
of
years
to
make
amends.
And,
and
I
don't
go
let
church
anymore.
I
spend
most
of
my
time
in
AA,
but
I'm
free
to
go
to
any
place
I
want
to.
And
so
I
was
loved
unconditionally.
That
group
of
people,
I
didn't
have
any
money.
They
took
up
a
collection,
gave
me
money
to
go
home
and
visit
my
family.
They
were
living
in
Mississippi
at
that
point.
They
took
care
of
me
just
like
people
in
AI
do.
I
found
out
that
my
life
as
a
child
of
God
is
bigger
than
just
a
a,
It
goes
outside
of
here
to
other
places.
And
I
started
learning
that
lesson.
The
second
thing
that
happened
that
night
that
I
was
up
there
apologizing,
there
was
a
beautiful
blonde
girl
that
was
in
the
congregation
and
she
had
never
heard
anybody
apologize
to
a
Baptist
Church
before
or
since.
And
she
was
two
things
I
was
not
looking
for.
She
was
a
seminary
student
and
a
good
girl,
and
I
had
enough
time
that
my
sponsor
said
I
could
date.
I
was
kind
of
looking
for
a
new
dancer
who
needed
spiritual
guidance
and,
but
because
God
put
me
together
with
this
woman,
she's
praying
for
me
right
now
and
I'm
going
to
see
her.
She's
over
at
the
Beverly
Hilton
calling
on
people
for
a
place
that
she
represents
in
the
treatment
business.
And,
and
she's
been
my
wife
for
25
years.
And
God
introduced
me
to
her
because
I
was
working
a
ninth
step.
Just
one
more
gift
and
and
when
when
we
say
suddenly
we
realize
that
God
is
doing
for
us
what
we
could
not
do
for
ourselves.
I
can't
even
count
the
number
of
things
the
miracles
have
taken
place
in
my
life.
My
suggestion
is
that
you
couldn't
either.
If
you
look
and
that's
part
of
what
this
is
the
spiritual
awakening
in
my
eyes
start
to
see
these
things
and
I
can
recount
them.
I
couldn't
recount
them,
some
of
them
when
they
were
happening
back
then.
Now
I
go
through
and
I
my,
my
last
act
on
that
9th
step
was
to
go
to
the
Harvey
Brown,
the
Presbyterian
Church
where
my
dad
goes,
because
I
had
to
face
their
building.
And
I
go
in
there
to
to
find
somebody
to
apologize
to,
and
I
can't
find
anybody.
And
I
go
in
the
Chapel
and
I
realize
who
I'm
there
for.
I've
been
asking
God
to
keep
me
sober
in
the
morning
and
thanking
God
each
night.
And
I
had
strong
resentments
towards
God.
I
was
angry
at
God.
And
yet
I'm
trying
to
have
this
relationship
with
somebody
that
I
just
am
angry
at.
And
I
realized
what
I
was
there
to
do,
even
though
God
didn't
do
anything
to
offend
me,
was
my
job
was
to
forgive
God
because
I
had
been
holding
resentments
against
God
for
a
long
time.
And
so
I
started
forgiving
God.
We
say
it
at
the
end
of
this
meeting.
We'll
say
the
Lord's
Prayer,
forgive
us
our
trespasses
as
we
forgive
those
who
trespass
against
us.
And
suddenly
as
I'm
forgiving
God,
all
that
weight
that
seemed
to
have
been
on
my
back,
all
those
knots
in
my
stomach
just
started
to
disappear.
I
felt
like
I
weighed
nothing.
I
had
one
of
the
two
most
spiritual
experiences
I've
ever
had
in
my
life.
I'll
share
the
second
one
when
I
close,
but
on
this
occasion
suddenly
I
felt
like
there
was
a
wind
blowing
through
my
soul.
I
can't
explain
this
any
other
way,
but
what
was
happening
was
you
had
brought
me
into
Alcoholics
Anonymous
by
learning
how
to
love
a
wet
drunk
unconditionally
without
him
giving
me
anything
back.
I
had
learned
unconditional
love.
You
taught
me
that.
And
eventually
I
was
able
to
take
that
over
to
my
family
and
instead
of
arguing
with
my
dad
about
politics,
I
was
able
to
love
him
unconditionally
and
let
him
be
who
he
was.
And
you
gave
me
that
gift.
I
learned
in
here
what
I
could
carry
out
there.
I
was
reconnected
to
the
human
race.
In
fact,
I
don't
think
I
was
ever
connected
to
the
human
race.
It
wasn't
reconnected.
I
was
always
scared
of
them,
but
now
I
had
real
friends
in
AA
and
I
started
to
have
real
friends
outside
AA
and
I
started
to
have
a
relationship
with
my
family.
You
gave
that
to
me.
Alcoholics
Anonymous
gave
that
to
me.
But
the
second
thing
that
started
to
happen,
now
I
have
a
relationship
with
God.
I
knew
God
was
there,
but
I
never
had
a
relationship
with
Him
before.
I
felt
at
peace.
I
felt
at
harmony.
The
thing
they
call
serenity
was
when
I
was
at
peace
with
God
and
human
beings
at
the
same
time.
And
that's
all.
Our
4th
and
5th
step
is
we're
trying
to
get
straight
people
and
with
God.
And
I
wasn't
thinking
through
any
of
this.
All
that
intellectual
work
that
I
did
back
there,
you
know,
in
this
graduate
work
in
intercultural
studies
and
all
the
different
religions,
I
could
tell
you
all
kinds
of
things
and
I
was
still
acting
like
a
total
ass.
Every
place
I
went
self-centered.
All
I
was
doing
now
was
working
a
few
steps,
working
with
new
drunks
and
following
my
sponsor
and
the
keys
to
the
Kingdom.
This
whole
vision
is
opening
up
in
front
of
me
just
because
I'm
doing
what
you
asked
me
to
do.
And
so
gift
after
gift
keeps
coming
in.
And
so
I
start
and
I
have
awakening
now
I'm
trying
to
figure
out
what
to
do
with
the
spiritual
waking
because
I
also
don't
have
a
don't
have
a
job.
I'm
still
working
at
this
place,
pouring
coffee
at
this
thing.
And
I
go
to
an
old
timers
luncheon
and
at
the
old
timers
lunch.
And
this
was
at
the
Galt
House
and
there
were
a
bunch
of
old
timers
that
met
there
every
Friday.
Clancy
knows
every
one
of
them.
They
were
people
he
ran
around
with
some
of
them
that
had
10-15
years
more
than
him.
Most
of
them
are
dead
now.
And
I'm
telling
them,
they
allowed
me
to
go
there
and
I'm
telling
them
that
I
had
a,
a,
a,
a,
I
needed
a
job,
I
needed
a
place
to
stay.
I
needed
a
car,
I
needed
a,
some
money.
And
one
of
the
guys,
they're
not,
they're
not
paying
attention.
They're
talking
about
a
putter.
Somebody
had
a
new
condo.
You
know
that,
you
know
how
old
timers
don't
catch
the
emergency
of
our
crises.
And
so,
and
but
one
of
the
guys
said,
bring
your
resume
by
tomorrow.
So
I
went
and
took
my
resume
the
next
day
and
the
day
after
that,
I
was
the
ad
guy
and
press
secretary
for
a
guy
running
mayor.
Six
weeks
later,
I
was
the
press
secretary
for
the
city
of
Louisville
and
the
mayor's
press
secretary.
And
here's
why
I
had
that
job.
I
thought
I
had
that
job
because
it
was,
it
met
all
those
needs.
I
had
all
the
things
that
I
needed
now.
But
the
other
thing
was
I
had
been
locked
up
22
times
and
all
of
them
involved
more
than
one
officer.
I
never
had.
And
I
didn't
really
get
to
know
him
very
well
because
I
never
had
really
a
one-on-one
conversation.
It
was
more
like
a
three
on
one
conversation.
And
so
and
I
didn't
get
to
know
him
by
their
first
name
and
obviously
it
wasn't
pleasant.
So
how
do
I
make
amends
to
them?
And
so
one
of
the
first
few
12
step
calls
I
went
on
was
a
cop
that
people
have
been
covered
for
because
if
they
found
out
they
had
an
alcohol
problem,
they
lost
their
pension.
So
we
put
into
my
sponsor
was
Jack
Sullivan,
who
started
the
program
for
the
railroads.
So
I
was
in
office,
but
Jack
helped
actually
did
the
work
and
supervise.
We
put
in
the
first
amnesty
program
for
the
city
of
Louisville.
And
the
first
six
guys,
cops
that
got
sober
were
brought
into
the
chief's
office.
The
chief
said,
OK,
you
can
listen
to
Dick
and
go
with
him
to
a
A
or
you
can
lose
your
pension.
And
some
of
them
chose
to
go
with
me.
And
so
it's
but,
but
my
life
was
being
useful
even
though
I
was
nuts.
But
I
had,
you
know,
our
group,
we
had
your
sponsor,
but
you
had
a
whole
bunch
of
people
that
supervised
you.
They
didn't
let
you
get
into
too
much
trouble.
And
so
I
was
able
to
be
useful
and
God
was
using
me
and
that
gave
me
some
feeling
of
self
worth.
It
gave
me
a
feeling
of
something
more
than
just,
you
know,
mouth
and
what
the
mayor
is
going
to
do,
who
cares?
But
but
that
was
really
good.
Well,
really,
I
mean,
you
know,
I
mean,
I'm,
I'm,
that
wasn't
my
calling,
but
it
was
a
job.
And
so,
and,
and
then
after
that,
the
guys
that
I
got
sober
with
did
an
annual
house
cleaning
and
I
still
do
an
annual
house
cleaning
and
the
guys
that
I
sponsor
do
an
annual
house
cleaning.
That
way
we
continue
to
grow
and
to
fit
ourselves
to
be
a
maximum
service
to
guide
those
abouts.
And
so
we
did
this
at
Gethsemane,
which
was
a
Catholic
monastery.
And
I
went
down
there
and
there
was
a
Catholic
priest
and
he
was
with
us
and,
and
he
came
out
and
he
said,
now
I've
had
the
spiritual
experience.
I
want
to
do
what
God
wants
me
to
do,
but
I'm
not
sure
what
God
wants
me
to
do.
I'm
looking
for
the
writing
on
the
wall.
I'm
looking
to
go
to
the
mountain.
And
this
priest
gets
up
and
he
says
know
what
God
will
is,
don't
you?
And
not
even
the
old
timers
venture
to,
you
know,
I
don't
know
whether
they
were
being
humble
or
nobody
really
knew,
but
he
said
God's
will
is
simple.
It
is
to
do
the
best
you
can
to
help
others
right
now
with
all
the
talents
and
gifts
God
gives
you.
That's
it.
If
do
the
best
you
can
right
now
with
what
you've
got.
If
your
father,
be
a
good
father.
If
your
son,
be
a
good
son.
If
your
brother,
be
a
good
brother.
If
you
are
a
husband,
be
a
good
husband.
If
you're
a
dad,
be
a
good
dad.
If
you
are
a
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
because
you
got
sober
there,
be
the
best
member
you
can
be.
If
you
have
a
job
that
you
absolutely
love
and
you're
good
at,
do
it
honorably
and
serve
others
so
that
so
that
so
that
their
life
is
better.
If
you
drop
that
you
absolutely
hate,
do
it
honorably
and
serve
others
until
God
gives
you
something
else.
And
he
said
God
sees
us
the
same
way
We're
his
children
and
he
sees
us
the
same
way
that
we
see
our
children.
A
few
men
had
two
boys
and
they
were
both
7
years
old.
They
both
had
little
red
wagons
that
you
gave
them.
And
one
of
them
took
that
red
wagon
around
the
neighborhood
and
spread
joy
to
the
other
kids.
And
the
other
kid
took
the
red
wagon.
He
kicked
it
aside
and
said
I
want
a
scooter.
Who
would
you
give
more
to?
And
a
light
went
on
because
I
had
always
been
the
one
that
kicked
whatever
you
gave
me
away
and
I
wanted
something
else.
I
never
thought
about
taking
what
you
gave
me
this
day
to
use
it
for
other
people
as
the
gift.
I
just
didn't
see
it
that
way.
And
a
light
went
on,
and
that
changed
my
life,
and
that
was
another
gift.
And
my
life
since
that
time
has
been
very,
very
powerful.
But
for
the
first
12
years
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
what
I
did
was
I-12
stepped
people.
I
got
sober.
I
wanted
to
get
people
sober,
but
I
was
still
fighting
things
and
having
problems.
And
I
was
10
years
sober
and
married
three
years.
And
one
of
the
guys
I
sponsored
fired
me
because
I
was
trying
to
help
him
with
his
marriage
and
he
didn't
think
I
was
doing
very
well
in
mine.
And
he
was
right
because
I
didn't
know
how
to
be
a
husband.
I
was
still
self-serving.
I
wanted
her
to
be
my,
you
know,
Pixie
dog.
I
didn't
know
how
to,
I
didn't
know
how
to
be
a
husband.
And,
and
I,
and
I
realized
I
didn't
know,
I
just
didn't
know
any
of
those
things.
And
so
I'm
just
doing
these
12
and
what
I
did
was
I
felt
like
I've
done
all
this
work.
I've
been
going
through
all
the
process.
I'd
have
every
job
in
AA
you
could
at
that
point
up
through
DCM
and
chairing
conferences
and
this.
And,
and
I
got
burned
out
and
I
decided
I
need
some
more
me
time.
And,
and
I
was
hearing
about
people
dealing
with
issues
and
stuff
like
that.
And
so,
and
we
didn't
talk
about
that,
my
Home
group
or
my
sponsor.
And
I
thought
maybe
they
weren't
as
enlightened
to
some
of
the
California
people
out
out
here
where
so
I,
I
decided
I
would
try
some
of
that.
And
I,
and
I,
and
I,
by
the
time
I
was
15
years
sober,
I
was
in
a
hotel
room,
Los
Angeles,
getting
ready
to
put
a
bullet
in
my
brain.
And
I
cried
out
to
God
one
more
time,
and
the
only
thing
that
came
back
to
me
was
little
in
her
voice
that
said
Gotomeeting
every
day
this
week.
So
the
first
meeting
I
went
to
in
Palm
Springs
at
night,
a
guy
named
Tom
Whalen
was
speaking.
He
talked
about
how
he'd
reached
the
bottom
and
gone
through
a
dry
spell
when
he's
about
20
years
sober.
And
the
next
day
there
was
a
guy
named
Cliff.
And
he
said
the
same
thing.
And
there
were
six
days
in
a
row
where
old
timers,
and
I
haven't
heard
many
of
them
say
this
since
then.
Everyone
of
them
got
up
and
talked
about
they'd
gone
through
something
I
was
going
through.
And
that
kept
me
from
put
a
bolt
in
my
brain
and
I
started
over
and
my
old
sponsor
who's
got
52
years
now,
I
hadn't
been
talking
to
him
out
of
pride.
I
didn't
want
to
call
him
and
tell
him
I'd
been
messing
up.
So
I
got
a
new
sponsor
as
a
guy,
I
was
playing
tennis
with
John
Holmes
and
Bob
knows
him
and
he's
a
good
guy
and
and
he's
a
very
pragmatic
guy.
And
he
said,
you're
in
a
spiritual
wasteland.
And
I
started
over
and
he
said,
but
you
need
to
learn
all
the
principles
this
time.
Now
I
had
learned
we've
there
are
three
sections
of
the
triangle
and
I
had
learned
one
of
them.
I
knew
how
to
get
sober
and
I
knew
how
to
tell
you
how
to
get
sober
and
take
you
to
the
meetings
and
all
that
stuff.
But
what
I
didn't
know
was
how
to
practice
the
principles
and
their
whole
bunch
of
it
took
28
years
to
develop
The
three
legacies
and
the
traditions
are
the
legacy.
I'm
just
going
to
go
these
real
quickly
that
take
5
minutes
to
do
it.
Then
I'm
going
to
close
with
two
stories.
But
this
I
did
not
know,
and
I
didn't
know
how
to
practice
these
until
I
started
looking
at
them.
I
was
paying
attention
to
them
in
the
group,
but
not
my
own
life.
But
the
traditions
used
the
same
principles
we
have
in
the
steps,
but
they
use
them
in
the
context
of
society.
The
12
steps
show
me
how
to
learn
how
to
live
with
myself,
how
to
get
comfortable
with
me
and
develop
this
relationship
with
God,
but
to
learn
how
to
deal
with
other
people.
The
traditions
take
the
same
principles,
humility,
unity,
all
of
the
things
that
we
do,
putting
knowing
that
there's
only
one
power
that
powers
God
and
using
them
in
a
way
where
I
can
get
along
with
other
people.
So
I'm
just
going
to
share
my
take
on
these
12
traditions
real
quick.
The
first
one
is
unity.
That
means
we
before
me,
Barbara
and
I,
you
know,
would
have
arguments
and
I'd
want
to
be
right.
But
when
we
put
we
before
me,
when
Barbara
and
I
have
an
argument
now
we
do
argue.
We're
not
what
he's
found,
you
know,
we're
not,
you
know,
hunky
Dory
all
the
time.
And
we've
gone
through
financial
problems
in
recent
times.
And
that
really
brings
out,
you
know,
some
colorful
conversation
time.
Do
we
pay
her
American
Express
bill
or
the
rent?
You
know,
so
and,
and,
and
but
unity,
we
will
stop
and
we
will
pray.
Now,
the
only
reason
that
unity
would
work
is
if
there's
a
power
greater
than
me
that's
going
to
take
care
of
the
problems,
because
if
we
agree
that
we're
going
to
be
in
this
thing
together,
there
has
to
be
some
power
that's
going
to
take
care
of
the
details
that's
going
to
solve
the
problem.
So
Barbara
and
I
will
pray
and
turn
it
over
to
God
and
never
have
we
gone
back
and
argued
about
it
again
because
usually
it's
either
resolved
or
we
forget
about
it
or
whatever
took
place.
Tom
Ivester,
when
my
best
friend
was
Keith
Lewis.
And
a
lot
of
you
have
heard
him
and
knew
him
and
and
listened
to
him
speak
and
he
was
a
wonderful
man.
And
when
we
did
the
memorial
for
Keith,
I
organized
it
and
we
were
trying
to
get
all
three
of
Keith's
sponsors
who
were
Sandy
Beach,
our
current
sponsor,
John
Holmes
and
Tom
Ives
are
there.
And
Tom
gave
me
a
date
that
he
could
do
it.
And
I
got
Sandy
and
everybody
else
got
lined
up
and
I
called
Tom
to
confirm
the
date.
And
Tom
said,
well,
I'm
having
brain
surgery
scheduled
that
day,
but
let
me
see
what
I
can
do.
And
he
called
me
back
an
hour
later.
He
rescheduled
his
brain
surgery
so
that
he
could
come
to
Keith's
memorial
and
he
said,
he
said
in
his
e-mail,
he
said
we
do
this
for
the
greater
good
and,
and
that's
why
he's
still
vital
in
last
weekend
he
was
up
and
I
had
him
do
2
sections
and
he
was
bouncing
all
around
and
he's
got
52
years
in
the
program
and,
and
that's
why
he
is
that
way.
And
so
first
is
unity.
We
before
me,
but
I
can
only
do
that
if
there's
a
power
in
the
second
tradition
is
there's
only
one
source
of
power
and
you
and
I
are
not
it.
God
has
all
power.
I
can't
tell
you
how
much
that
freed
me
up
because
when
I
found
out
how
God
all
our
power,
that
means
I
have
no
power,
but
it
means
you
have
no
power.
If
you
have
no
power,
you
can't.
I
don't
have
to
be
afraid.
I
don't
have
to
resent
you.
You're
in
the
same
boat
as
me.
We're
all
together
so
I
don't
have
to
fear.
You
don't
have
the
power
to
ruin
my
life.
And
I
thought
you
did
all
that
time.
The
third
is
acceptance
without
judgment.
That's
really
what
that's
about.
It's
the
beginning
of
unconditional
love.
Allows
me
to
listen
to
others.
When
my
buddy
Keith,
who
died
of
Lou
Gehrig's
disease,
for
the
last
two
years
of
his
life,
he
was
getting
sicker
and
sicker,
and
his
behavior
was
strange,
but
we
thought
he
had
a
stroke.
Nobody
really
knew
until
six
weeks
out
what
he
was
determined.
He
and
I
were
supposed
to
go
on
a
trip
together,
and
we
were
just
like
we
talked
on
the
phone
six
times
a
day.
But
he
acted
real
strange
with
me
and
I
was
irritated
at
him.
This
is.
So
I
want
to
have
a
conversation,
but
I
wanted
to
do
it
thoughtfully.
Here
are
two
pages
of
notes
for
a
conversation
I'm
going
to
have
with
Keith
on
the
phone
because
I'm
irritated
at
him.
And
the
first
one
says
concern.
You
know,
when
we
don't
like
what
somebody
doing,
we're
concerned.
See,
he
was
irritable,
discontent,
depressed,
seem
angry
at
me,
blah,
blah,
blah.
So
what
I'm
doing
is
writing
a
note
at
him
because
I'm
ticked
off
because
he
doesn't
want
to
do
what
he
already
said
he'd
do.
And
I'm
irritated.
But
I
did
what
I'm
told
to
do.
I
prayed
about
it.
And
because
I
prayed
about
it,
I
didn't
mention
it
to
him
because
Keith
is
acting
this
way.
I've
known
him
so
long.
This
is
not
Keith.
And
I'm
so
glad
because
if
I
had,
I
would
have
ruined
my
friendship
with
him
and
I
wouldn't
have
been
able
to
have
the
second
spiritual
experience
I'm
going
to
share
about.
I
was
there
in
the
room
when
he
died.
And
that's
what
I'm
going
to
close
on
the
4th
is
independence
has
its
limits.
That's
really
what
that
is.
We
can
be
autonomous,
but
not
when
it
affects
everybody
else.
And
and
that
means
that
if
I'm
going
to
tell
everybody
on
a
A
and
have
a
A
stickers
all
my
all
over
my
car,
it's
better
that
I
don't
give
somebody
the
finger
while
I'm
driving
down
the
road
or
where's
Larry
or
that
I'm
with
a
big
honk
if
you
love
Bill
on
the
parking
lot
of
a
massage
parlor.
And
it's
better
that
I
have
a
little
bitty
circle
and
triangle
in
there
Atlanta,
because
the
way
I
act
is
more
important
than
what
I
say.
The
5th
is
what
is
my
purpose
in
this?
It's
about
purpose.
Well,
let
me
tell
you
something.
When
Barbara
and
I
got
married,
my
purpose
was
for
her
to
be
a
good
looking
blonde.
She's
5/8
beautiful
eyes,
hair
and
just
for
her
to
look
good
and
us
to
have
some
good,
you
know,
times
and,
and
for
us
to
go
go
places
and
do
things.
And
I
was,
you
know,
I'm
hip
and
I'm
going
to
take
her
and
I'm
going
to
introduce
her
to
my
world
and
all
this
stuff.
But
that
really
wasn't
her
purpose.
Now,
our
purpose,
which
we
have
agreed
upon
through
a
group
conscience
meeting
in
our
family,
is
that
we
agree
that
we
will
provide
a
safe
harbor
for
each
other
in
our
lives.
Where
when
we
get
beat
up,
when
I
have
a
bad
day
even
in
AA,
and
when
I
have
a
bad
day
at
work,
and
when
I
have
cancer
or
when
she
has
asthma,
or
when
we
lose
our
parents
or
anything
else,
we
have
the
safe
harbor
where
we
will
protect
each
other.
And
the
second
thing
that
we
do
is
that
we
pray
for
each
other.
We
hold
each
other
accountable.
She's
25
years
in
Al
Anon
and
she's
a
past
delegate
and
she's
as
active
in
Al
Anon
as
I
am
an
AA.
And
we
have
a
purpose.
How
do
you
achieve
a
purpose
if
you
don't
know
what
your
purpose
is?
In
any
relationship
at
work
or
anyplace
else.
And
if
my
purpose
is
not
to
be
loving
and
help
other
people,
then
I
shouldn't
be
doing
it.
The
6th
tradition
is
basically
about
minding
my
own
business.
I
have
more
than
enough
to
do
without
straightening
out
other
people's
business.
I
can't
tell
you
how
much
I
spent
time
I've
spent
my
life
trying
to
straight
everybody
else
and
out
on
things
I
don't
really
know
about.
And
when
I
my,
my,
my
definition
of
spirituality
now
has
to
do
with
how
efficient
can
I
be
in
using
the
talents
I
have
in
my
time
and
energy
to
be
useful
to
others.
Because
when
I
do
that,
I
have
a
gift
that's
called
joy.
Joy
is
that
feeling
deep
inside
of
me
that
cancer
or
Katrina,
no
matter
what
it
is,
God
is
there
taking
care
of
the
details
and
I
don't
have
to
worry
about
it.
That
leaves
me
free
to
celebrate
as
one
of
God's
kids,
just
to
be
here
with
you
to
celebrate.
And
I'll
share
you
in
a
minute.
I
shouldn't
be
here.
7th
is
freedom,
financial
bondage.
I'm
the
worst
money
manager
in
the
world.
I
don't
know
anybody
who's
a
writer
or
producer
who's
also
a
great
business
manager.
And
I
finally,
when
I
was
25
years
older,
went
sober,
went
to
somebody
who
is
good
and
asked
him
if
he
would
just
help
me
in
my
financial
affairs.
My
sponsor
who's
very
pragmatic,
who
doesn't
even
have,
he
doesn't
think
anything's
funny,
don't
have
a
sense
of
humor,
but
he's
a
great
guy.
But
he
has
this
theory
about
how
to
live
financially.
He
says
always
live
on
less
than
you
make.
I've
just
shared
with
you
the
wisdom
if
you
do
that,
you'll
always
have
enough
money.
You
figure
it
out.
8th
tradition
is
when
do
I
need
help?
There
are
times
I
need
help
and
I
used
to
sponsor
people
and
and
I'd
have
experience
on
everything.
Well,
I
don't
know
a
lot
of
stuff.
I
was
never
abused
as
a
child,
so
I
don't
sponsor
outside
of
my
experience
now
on
one
hand,
on
the
other
hand,
I
try
and
everything
else
to
go
find
wisdom
someplace
and
and
just
knowing
what,
what
where
to
go
for
wisdom
is
enough.
The
9th
step
is
keep
it
simple.
That's
let
go
and
let
God
again,
seeking
wise
counsel
on
the
10th.
Opinions
can
defeat
my
purpose
or
our
purpose,
and
they
never
help.
I'm
trying
to
make
amends
to
my
dad
and
I'm
going
and
he'll
say
something
I
don't
like
about
politics.
We'll
get
into
an
argument
and
I
want
to
leave.
And
when's
the
last
time
you
won
an
argument
with
any
about
politics
or
Iraq
or
abortion
or
immigration?
We
just
don't
win
arguments.
And
it
wastes
time
that
I
could
be
doing
something
helpful
to
somebody.
So
nobody
needs
my
opinion
about
anything.
It
doesn't
mean
I
don't
have
them,
but
I
don't
need
to
share
them.
And
the
11th
step
actions
speak
louder
than
anything
I
say.
Page
83,
the
big
book
says
that
our
actions
will
will
say
more
than
our
words.
And
I
was
about
10
years
ago.
I'm
sponsoring
a
brand
new
guy
and
it
also
gives
me
some
issue
from
sponsoring
a
brand
new
guy.
Another
Vietnam
vet,
his
wife
didn't
want
him
to
be
an
AA,
so
she
was
a
discredit
AA
and
she
was
trying
to
discredit
me.
And
so
unrelated
to
this,
that
was
about
when
I
had
my
first
cell
phone.
I
go
in
and
I
go
into
cell
phone
office
because
I
bought
the
cell
phone
and
the
cell
phone
didn't
work.
It
was
defective.
And
because
it
was
defective,
it
kept
dropping
calls.
And
this
is
before
packages.
So
I
had
to
pay
for
10
calls
instead
of
one
call.
So
I
go
into
the
office
and
I
talk
to
this
woman
at
the
cell
phone
place
and
I
said,
look,
my
cell
phone
doesn't
work.
I
explained
it.
I
thought
I
understood,
I
thought
she'd
understand
it
and
she
didn't
seem
to
understand
it.
And
I
go
into
theory
sometimes
if
you
don't
understand
what
I
say,
you're
hard
of
hearing.
So.
So
I
explain
it
again
louder.
And
so
that
should
be
the
end
of
it.
Finally
the
manager
came
out,
solved
the
problem.
I
should
have
asked
for
the
manager
in
the
1st
place,
but
you
know,
didn't
think
straight
up.
And,
and
so
about
a
week
later,
I'm
having
lunch
with
my
new
pigeon
and
he
said,
by
the
way,
did
you
go
into
a
cell
phone
store
recently?
I
said,
yeah,
fine.
When
my
wife
worked
next
to
the
woman
that
you
talked
to
and
she
said
that
you
made
the
lady
cry.
Now,
I
didn't
make
the
lady
cry.
That
guy
is
still
sober.
I'm
friends
with
his
wife
now.
But
I
did
have
to
go
make
amends.
And
when
I
learned
from
that
was
there
is
no
place
on
earth,
no
matter
how
secluded
it
is,
that
I
can
go
where
my
actions
shouldn't
be,
something
I'd
be
proud
to
to
show
to
a
newcomer.
I
should
act
the
way
I
expect
the
newcomer
to
act.
Now,
that's
a
high
standard.
I
can't
always
do
that,
but
it
gives
me
something
to
shoot
for.
It
gives
me
some,
some
way
to
equate
the
way
that
I
should
live.
The
12th
step
is
about
giving
credit.
I
mean,
12
traditions
about
giving
credit
where
credit's
due,
and
that's
to
a
A
and
to
the
one
who
has
all
power.
That's
why
we
don't
have
buildings
with
our
names
on
them
like
they
do
in
churches.
We
know
each
other
and
we
honor
each
other
for
the
work
that
we
do.
But
God
has
all
power
and
we're
just
here
lucky
enough
to,
to
be
part
of
it.
And,
and,
and
just
learning
those.
There's,
there's
much,
much
more,
but
there
are
three
sides.
And
all
I
want
to
do
is
provoke
you
to
go
think
about
the
fact
that
there's
more
than
when
when
we're
practicing
these
principles
years
when
Bill
wrote
that
he
had
no
idea
even
what
he
was
going
to
be
able
to
share
when
he
wrote
the
12:00
and
12:00
when
he
wrote
his
article
on
emotional
sobriety
1958.
Everything
that
he
wrote
out
of
need
was
because
of
his
own
personal
need.
He
was
getting
tired
of
being
a
horses
ass,
you
know,
and
feeling
like
he
and
and
having
the
feelings
he
was
having
after
he
been
in
the
program
for
a
long
time.
When
he
started
talking
about
emotional
sobriety
and
a
a
was
in
crisis,
almost
going
to
pieces
when
he
wrote
the
12
traditions.
But
beyond
the
need,
the
what
they
gave
to
us
in
the
fellowship,
they
gave
me
Dick
Anderson
list
of
things
that
I
can
use
so
that
I
can
live
so
that
even
though
you
know,
and
I
know
that
underneath
I
can,
you
know,
I'm
I've
still
got
the
old
me
sitting
around
in
there.
There
are
people
that
think
I'm
a
really
nice,
respectable
or,
as
we
say
in
the
South,
bonafide
person.
And
and
because
they
don't
get
to
see
the
the
horses
behind
in
all
of
that.
Now,
because
I
had
discovered
the
power
in
all
of
this,
we
deal
with
life
on
life's
terms.
Now
I'm
going
to
share
the
real
benefits
of
the
power
of
this
program.
In
2005,
the
first
thing
that
happened,
my
wife
and
I
were
not
able
to
have
children
and,
and
we
had
an
18
year
old
elkhound
named
Booger
Bear
who
had
gone
to
at
least
two
or
three
hundred
conferences
with
him
from
about
30
different
states.
And,
and
we
loved
him
and
he
was
like
our
child.
And
we
put
him
to
sleep
and
I
buried
him
out
back
where
I
live
on
a
lake.
And
we
thought
that
was
the
worst
thing
that
can
happen.
Within
just
a
few
weeks,
my
mom's,
I
mean
my
wife's
mom
and
dad
died
within
a
week
of
each
other
unexpectedly.
And
we
were
their
caretakers,
one
of
them
in
Alzheimer's
and
the
other
one
was
failing
in
health.
We
had
them
in
assisted
living
and
we
were
takers.
So
they
were
more
like
children.
And
it
was
a
tremendously
powerful
experience.
And
we
look
back
now
through
God's
eyes,
their
bodies
were
failing
and
they
were
ready
to
go.
And
a
couple
months
later,
my
mom
died.
But
right
after
we
walked
out
of
Toronto,
and
I've
been,
that
was
my
sixth
international
and
I
love
going
to
them.
After
we
walked
out
of
Toronto,
I
was
diagnosed
with
esophageal
cancer.
And
if
any
of
you
know
anything
about
esophageal
cancer,
they
don't
even
have
a
ribbon
for
it.
It's
twice
as
fatal
as
pancreatic
cancer,
which
everybody
thinks
is
the
most
fatal.
It's
an
over
99%
of
the
people
who
have
esophageal
cancer
are
dead
within
four
months,
but
over
99%
of
the
people
are
not
members
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
having
access
to
power
that
their
Heavenly
Father
can
give
them
if
they
ask
for
it.
And
so
because
my
wifes
parents
had
died
I
couldn't
tell
her.
And
because
you
don't
gossip,
I
couldn't
tell
you.
So
here's
who
knew
My
sponsor,
My
sister
who's
in
medicine.
One
person
who
used
my
minds
come
blank.
Used
to
work
at
GSO
who
knew
a
lot
of
the
medical
things.
Woman
lives
down
in
Houston
now.
And
my
prayer
partner,
Keith
Lewis,
another
guy
I
played
with,
Ed
Mudum
and
that
was
it.
And
they
were
praying
for
me
and,
and,
and
so
I
found
the
treatment
center.
The
one
place
in
the
world
that
had
developed
a
technique
where
they
had
some
success
with
it
was
out
at
USC
and
Los
Angeles,
a
doctor
named
Demeester
and
was
lining
up
to
go
out
there.
They
gave
me
two
or
three
weeks
to
get
the
surgery
done
where
they
take
2/3
of
your
stomach
out,
take
everything
in
your
chest
out,
take
the
stomach
material,
make
a
tube,
reinvent
your
upper
digestive
system.
You're
on
a
feeding
tube
for
about
a
year,
have
about
30
operations,
but
you
live.
And
so
I
was
going
to
go
out
there
and
I
was
supposed
to
speak
that
Saturday
night
in
Key
West
and
I
got
a
phone
call
from
and
they
said
we
cannot
take
your
insurance,
but
if
you'll
put
up
about
a
half
$1,000,000
in
escrow,
we
can
do
the
thing.
And
I
didn't
have
half
$1,000,000.
And
with
all
of
the
connection
that
I
had,
I
went
back
to
even
worse
than
before.
I
got
to
Alcoholics
because.
But
I
thought
once
again,
those
feelings
that
God
rejected
me,
I'm
going
to
die
because
I
don't
have
the
right
insurance.
But
here's
the
trick
to
getting
the
gift.
I
was
asking
God
to
help
me
with
my
will.
I
had
picked
up
the
hospital,
I'd
picked
out
the
doctor.
I'd
picked
out
the
right
place.
My
job
is
to
ask
God
for
his
will,
so
I
couldn't
even
pray.
And
a
friend
of
mine
down
there,
I
couldn't.
I
start
praying.
I'd
wander
all
over
the
place
and
I'd
be
angry,
cursing
God
out.
And
he
just
said,
say
whatever
prayer
you
can
remember.
And
I,
and
I
remembered
the
23rd
Psalm
from
when
I
was
a
kid,
and
I
started
saying
it
over
and
over.
The
Lord
as
my
shepherd,
I
shall
not
want.
And
there's
some
great
lines
on
it.
Yeah,
though
I
walk
through
the
valley
of
the
shadow
of
death,
I
will
fear
no
evil,
for
thou
art
with
me.
And
I
had
used
that
in
Vietnam.
And
I
just
said
that
over
and
over
and
over.
And
right
before
I
got
up
to
speak
Saturday
night,
I
just
had
this
vision
of
my
sponsor,
Jack
Sullivan,
who
had
six
malignant
brain
tumors
that
just
walked
out
of
the
office.
I
talked
to
him
that
day,
the
doctor's
office,
and
he
said,
and
he
said
he
didn't
really
have
any
fear.
And
I
said,
Jack,
you
don't
seem
to
have
any
fear.
And
he
said,
if
God
has
been
this
good
to
me
here,
just
imagine
what
he's
got
waiting
for
me
on
the
other
side.
And
the
big
book
says
we
will
lose
our
fear
of
today,
tomorrow
and
the
hereafter.
And
Ed
said,
you
can't
threaten
me
with
paradise.
So
if
the
worst
that
can
happen
to
me
is
I'm
going
to
go
to
this
place
where
I
don't
have
to
wait
in
line
to
get
my
room
because
in
paradise,
it'll
be
ready
for
me
when
I
walk
in.
If
the
worst
that
can
happen
to
me
is
that
that
I'm
going
to
paradise,
what
am
I
afraid
of?
And
so
I
relaxed.
I
got
up
and
talked
and
I
said,
I
don't
know
where
I'm
going
to
be
here,
but
I'm
OK.
And
I
went
back
on
Monday.
I
got
a
phone
call
from
USC
and
and,
you
know,
I'm
the
guy
I
always
like
all
the
Frank
Capra
movies
where
the
Sunshine
Zoo,
you
know,
And
so
I'm
thinking
they're
going
to
say,
hey,
you
know,
we
understand,
you
prayed,
now
you
can
come.
But
that's
not
what
they
said.
They
said
we
still
can't
take
your
insurance.
But
our
chief
of
surgery
just
went
to
a
place
called
strong
Memorial
Hospital
in
Rochester,
NY.
And
so
they
said,
why
don't
you
call
him?
Well,
I
can't
even
get
my
primary
care
provider
to
call
me
back.
So
I
but
I
do
call
the,
the
chief
surgeon
at
at
at
University
of
Rochester
and
he
called
me
back
in
an
hour
and
he
said,
I
don't
care
about
your
insurance.
I'm
trying
to
teach
people
this.
This
is
a
very
rare
cancer
and
trying
to
teach
people
this
procedure.
Come
on
up
and
we'll
take
care
of
you.
And
because
we
had
friends
and
been
a
when
we
got
up
there
and
we
got
to
the
hotel,
there
were
30
people
there.
We
had
a
new
Home
group
and
a
new
alumni
Home
group
and
they
took
care
of
Barbara
the
whole
time
we
were
there.
They
did
our
laundry.
They
got
her
out
of
the
room
so
that
because
you
know,
you
can
be
sometimes
grumpy
when
you're
in
the
hospital.
And
they
got
her
out
of
the
room
and
took
care
of
her.
And
we
went
to
their
group
that
night.
The
next
day
we
go
to
the
hospital.
We
walk
into
that
hospital.
Now
I'm,
I
had
all
my
arrangements
out
at
USC.
Is
this
the
right
place?
We
walk
into
the
hospital,
we
go
into
the
Chapel
to
say
a
prayer
to
make
sure
we're
in
the
right
place.
And
they're
on
the
wall
30
feet
deep.
In
letters
that
are
foot
and
half
deep
in
gold,
it
says,
the
Lord
is
my
shepherd,
I
shall
not
want.
And
we
walk
out
into
the
lobby
to
see
where
it
is
that
we've
come
to,
where
God
has
taken
us.
And
it's
Strong
Memorial
Hospital,
endowed
by
the
family
of
Doctor
Leonard
Strong,
who
was
Bill
Wilson's
brother-in-law.
Without
him,
we
wouldn't
have
the
Fellowship
and
I
wouldn't
have
been
here
the
first
time.
Now
I'm
pretty
good
at
drama,
but
God
is
the
best
and
he
worked
out
all
the
details.
I
didn't
take
care
of
the
details.
Only
two
things
I
had
to
do
to
get
well
was
breathe
through
that
little
thing
that
hurts
when
you're
breathing
through
it
and
walk.
And
I
was
walking
two
miles
a
day.
By
the
third
day
I
was
at
ICU
and
that's
all
I
had
to
do.
That
was
my
contribution
to
me
getting
well.
I
had
30
operations.
I
was
on
a
feeding
tube
for
a
long
time.
That's
that's
all
I
did
was
those
things.
And
so
if
if
you
if
you
didn't
think
you'd
been
given
a
gift
when
you
came
into
this
program,
think
again.
I'm
going
to
close
now
by
talking
about
my
friend
Keith
Lewis,
because
Keith,
more
than
anybody
that
I
know,
wanted
to
be
close
to
God,
wanted
to,
to
love
God.
His
favorite
word
was,
and
a
lot
of
people
misunderstood
what
was
happening,
including
me
that
last
two
years,
the
note
that
I
wrote
him.
So
people
were
angry
with
him.
He
was
getting
irritated.
He
was
acting
strange
at
conferences
and
we
didn't
know
what
was
wrong
with
him
and
people
stopped
going
to
see
him
and
so
I
went
down
but
I
didn't.
I
went
down
to
see
him
six
weeks
before
he
died
and
I
spent
a
week
with
him
and
here's
what
Keith
would
do.
Keith
was
down
to
about
£120
at
that
time.
He
was
like
a
stick
man.
People
with
Lou
Gehrig's
disease
lose
their
ability
to
control
things.
He
was
walking
around
in
a
shuffle.
When
he
talked,
you
couldn't
understand
what
he
was
saying
very
much.
But
here's
what
he
was
doing
with
that
limited
capacity.
And
he
had
dementia.
He
got
up
in
the
morning
because
this
he
had
learned
how
to
do
God's
will.
He
got
up
in
the
morning,
he
went
to
Chapel
and
he
prayed
for
you
for
an
hour.
Then
he
came
back
and
he
made
those
rosary
beads
that
he
talked
about
in
his
talk
that
he
made.
He
may
have
been
Marine
Corps
colors,
Army
colors,
Navy
and
Air
Force
and
made
hundreds
of
them
and
they
were
sent
over
to
Iraq
to
give
to
the
troops.
Then
he
would
go
to
the
Chapel
again
and
pray
for
an
hour
and
then
he
would
go
to
Walmart
because
that's
only
place
he
knew
how
to
get
to.
And
they
had
a
special
each
day
at
Subway.
And
he
would
eat
lunch
and
then
he
would
come
back
and
he
would
pray
again
in
the
afternoon
and
he
would
make
rosary
beads
and
then
his
wife
would
have
dinner
with
him.
And
he
go
to
meeting
with
a
totally
disabling
disease.
He
was
praying
for
people
4
hours
a
day.
And
I
asked
him
who
he
was,
what
he
was
praying
for.
And
he
said,
I'm
praying
for
the
new.
He
couldn't
hardly
talk.
And
he
said
I'm
praying
for
the
newcomer
in
AA.
And
then
he
knew
people
who
were
sick
and
people
he
would
hear
about
things,
Nene.
And
that's
what
he
was
doing
with
that
kind
of
disease.
And
if
you
love
God
that
much
and
you
believe
that
if
you're
doing
what
God
asked
you
to
do,
you're
going
to
be
OK.
You
really
are
going
to
be
OK.
So
the
night
that
Keith
left
us,
I
was
in
the
room
with
him.
Sandy
was
there
and
John
was
there.
Dumb.
Denny
the
brother
was
there.
His
sister
Patty
was
there.
Every
character
from
Keith's
story
was
there,
and
Keith
was
Catholic.
I'm
not
and
it
was
11/30
and
everybody
was
worn
out.
We've
been
up
for
three
days
straight
and
everybody
left
around
11:30.
Julia
asked
me
if
I
would
stay,
and
there
was
a
eucharistic
minister
who
was
in
doing
reading.
If
you're
Catholic,
you
know
what
they
do.
But
anyway,
it
was
very
soothing.
And
I
was
holding
a
crucifix
that
had
belonged
to
Mother
Teresa,
this
beautiful
mahogany
crucifix
in
one
hand
and
Holden
Keith's
hand
in
the
other,
and
Julia,
his
wife,
who
had
hadn't
been
able
to
sleep
for
three
days.
Somewhere
about
5
minutes
after
the
rest
of
them
left,
this
tremendous
piece
came
into
that
room
and
at
first
it
was
just
peace
and
it
started
building
so
that
we
were
just
so
filled
with
joy
that
we
were
actually
giggling.
We
were
laughing.
And
Julia
got
up
and
walked
around
and
laid
down
next
to
her
husband
and
I
was
holding
his
hand
and
we
knew
exactly
when
he
took
his
last
breath
because
his
body
was
through.
But
I
have
never
felt
Keith's
presence
so
much
after
his
body
stopped
working
as
I
did.
That
room
was
filled
with
so
much
joy
because
the
God
that
got
us
sober,
that
loves
us,
was
taking
one
of
his
most
beloved
home
with
him.
These
are
the
words
that
I
wrote
for
his
OBED.
After
that,
in
a
room
filled
with
peace
and
those
who
loved
him,
Keith
Lewis
gently
fell
asleep
at
12:30
AM
Monday,
November
15th,
2007
to
awaken
to
the
paradise
promised
by
the
God
he
loved
so
much.
His
wife,
Julia
was
cuddled
next
to
her
loving
husband.
His
family
and
friends
prayed
him
into
this
new
journey.
The
sense
of
joy
in
the
room
was
unexplainable
unless
you
knew
Keith.
God
certainly
loves
his
children,
that
is
God
gifts.
God
loves
you,
He
loves
me.
The
best
is
yet
to
come
and
I
wish
you
a
wonderful
journey.