The Huntsville Roundup in Huntsville, AL

Produce our speaker. Don't know much about him. I'm gonna let him tell his story.

I'll leave too. OK. Hi everybody. I'm Steve Border. I'm an alcoholic.

Thank the committee for having me here and all you folks. I, I'm sorry I got here so late. I just have not had balance in my life lately and don't know if any of you struggle with that. And it's darn being of service stuff. My sobriety dates May 25th, 1979 and I still haven't got balance yet. So if you've got less time than that and you're struggling with balance, somebody else has got it. I got a big map and I got a big calendar up and I, you know, my wife and I talk about how much I should talk in my and I just can't seem to get it all in that box, you know,

And I'm not operating on much sleep right now. So I'm kind of afraid when I get this tape, it's just going to be blah, blah. So I, I'm sure I'll wake up and then fall asleep after this and wake back up for Earl. But, you know, it's nice to be in the South. I didn't get sober in Southern California. I got sober in Columbia, SC So yeah, yeah. And so

I mean, I, I actually know that the correct name is the War of Northern Aggression.

So I don't know if any of the other California speakers know that, but I do. And

I went down and saw the the Confederate soldier down in Times Square today. I was looking for him. I grew up in Virginia and my father was in the service. We lived right next to Arlington Cemetery when he was working at the Pentagon. And we lived right behind the Confederate part of Arlington Cemetery. And they had that Confederate soldier there, and he was facing S only one time the wind blew him and he came facing north again.

He wasn't quite done.

And then I know that I noticed out here in this little park out here where it's got the Declaration of Independence, says the United, the United States, it's real big there. So,

so I know I'm in the South, but last time I, I left the South in 1981, I've been back and my sister lives in Winston-Salem. I've got an aunt and Myrtle Beach. But Starbucks wasn't really in the South when I left. You know, I knew the coffee movement had made it went on country and western television. You had some old cowboy going. I'll take a pickled egg and I'll have some pig's knuckles and give me a latte.

Yeah, I I knew whoever had started the

the coffee movements. I hit Memphis this morning and I'm going up to Starbucks to wake up and I'm here give me a double latte. You know that just laugh. Just sounds different, you know, just

and I, you know, Southern California AA is very different than South Carolina AA was in 1979. I think it was sort of more a little bit like a California a was in 1959. When I got sober, all the old timers, I lived in Columbia, SC. There's a little place there called Fort Jackson. Some of you might have been there, little basic training place. Now what this means for the newcomer is all the old timers are retired Sergeant majors

with eighth grade educations who just love little college educated white boys like myself.

They look at you and go, there's no such thing as a stupid question and you know, you just ask one.

These are people who didn't have feelings. They don't know why you should.

They're not really interested. Yeah, and I don't know about you and I won't talk much about drink. I'm the guy that I've had his reputation of not having much of A drunk log. Mine was boring. That's most speakers in AA. It seems to me that speak have like one of two drunk laws. Either they were tied down and Folsom doing life.

I'm short, I'm white in jail. I'm an hors d'oeuvre. I'm not going.

Wash him up, get him ready, we'll do him before lunch. Ain't happening. OK,

then the other guys that seem to speak, a lot of the ones who woke up in Reno with $100,000 in a suitcase and 12 hookers in the room, that didn't happen either. Yeah, so

I just, I just sat in my chair and drank myself to, you know that sweaty alcoholic drinking Alcoholics can't have leather chairs. We have to have cloth chairs. So you can sweat in it. It gets a nice sweaty smell and you throw it out when you get sober. I just sat in that chair,

tip of the half the norm a drinking myself to death, seconds and inches,

laughing hysterically because Jillian was leaving Seneca one more time on Ryan's Hope

and crying hysterically because they'd missed the big word on the $10,000 pyramid. You know, die. I don't know about you, but that's one of the things I've lost in sobriety is the ability to cry. Like I could try. When I was drinking. It was just as animal sounds. Yeah,

I don't identify as a drug addict. I have never met a drug. Alcohol couldn't help.

Everything goes better with beef eaters. All right,

That's just my story. I mean, if you're a drug addict, you're fine as alcoholic addict, alcoholic, whatever. I have no problem with that. But it's just me, you know, I just never met a drug that if it got in the way of my drinking, it went. But that during that Quaalude phase, don't you hate that on your sexual inventory when you have to get to the Quaalude phase?

I did an inventory with a nun one time. I don't know how that happened. I just, I was on retreat If it, I said I went to the priest. I said I got an inventory says Sister Carmel does the private retreats. I go,

Father, I'm an alcoholic. I don't think Sister Carmel was here. My sexual inventory said Sister Carmel handles the private retreat. So I just figure out. So I go down there and I'm going to test her. You know how we do. I'm going to test her. So I start giving her the resentment list and she.

So I give her the fear stuff.

No. So I give her a little bit of the college sex, high school sex. Oh, I figure I'm boring her. You know what? And I figure if my sexual inventory is boring, a little nun maybe I stopped drinking too soon.

I gave her the quaalude part, You know, the, the, the, the camels and the trapeze, all that stuff.

The problem with quaaludes is you're still tied up the next day. But anyway, what I was trying to say is I never did real well in the bars, but I walked in a bar one night. I was doing quaaludes and I was sitting there next to there's a place called group therapy and,

and the men's room was right next to the women's room. This was in Columbia, SC, and I'm waiting, trying to get in the men's room, and this girl comes out of the women's room and I go,

I'm coiled and drunk, right? How's the hood, Baha? You know, And who could resist that? Really. Come on, that's my best Cary Grant. And and and she looked me in the eye and went Sabah,

we're out the door in 5 minutes. It was great.

You're going to meet those people when you're drinking.

But those stories are very rare. I just sat in that chair dying and

and I really believe that my drunk log is if we take out all the high points, all the running, the Lear jets and all the funny stuff that that's what most happened to most of us. We just died by seconds and inches, 1 Gray day after the other slipping into oblivion.

And then somewhere along the line, all the fun stuff, even the tragically funny stuff, stopped happening.

And we got to that point where it talks about in the book whether we're going to live by spiritual principles or die an alcoholic death. We have to make that choice,

which like it should be really tough, but I want to think about it. Let me think, I don't know, do I want to give all this up

sitting in my chair, my best friend's the television, but you call a na, you call a NA you're gonna finally call in everybody, your ex-wife, the dog, your therapist, everybody saying call A&A. So you call them. Now what you really want, I don't know about you. I didn't go to A and a looking to stop drinking. I went to A and a looking to give up the consequences of drinking, see, and if I could do that, I would be drinking today, but I couldn't. But what you really want on the end of the phone is a pre al Anon.

You do,

because you're going to call and go.

Please help me if you want something old. Poor baby

little Sticky. Come down, we'll Rock You. We'll put a little. Yeah, well, remember, these are retired Sergeant majors. John answered the phone. Wow.

And what do you want? Well, is it out of meetings today? Click,

you know, you get your car just to go down there and find him because you're going to kick his butt for some reason. But you know, the most amazing thing happened and and this is part of Southernness too. As I started walking that club because I didn't know you guys made house calls. I know you're like Domino's, you come get me. I just got my car and took that 3000 mile 15 minute drive

and I would make the 21st question on the 20 questions. Do you need to have facts to have an opinion? If the answer is no, you're an alcoholic right? Because I've never been to an AA meeting but I knew all about them. 22nd question would be, if you're opening 1/5, do you throw away the top?

Yeah. If the answer is yes, you're an alcoholic, right? What are you going to need the top for? It's just a fifth.

Maybe if it was a court and it was like 3:00 in the morning we'd need to save the top. But who needs a top on 1/5? Do you realize there are non Alcoholics who have had fists in their house for decades?

They have alcoholic alcohol in their home and they don't even know where it's at? I mean as far as I know and sometimes I have alcohol in my home because people come in in my family and drink and but I don't think there's any now. But if there was, I'd know where it was

and I'd be taking care of it, you know, looking in on it every once in a while. You OK? Need anything? I don't know if I'm going to need you today, but I just want you to sure you're OK.

I mean, I got addicted. I'm going to digress here. You'll notice I do this all the time. I sometimes get back to what I started on, but sometimes I won't. You'll just be left with the question, What happened to him going into that first AA meeting? You can put it on one of those little cards,

which I'm not sure this is a a. If there's complaint cards up here, nobody's writing. I'm not sure you're Alcoholics like I know Alcoholics

because where I go to meetings, if they said there's complaints, ma'am, I don't like the coffee and why all these California speakers and.

So, no, but when I got sober, I got addicted. Antique stores. Antique stores, Yeah. Yeah, you got that down here.

And you know what I found in antique stores were shot glasses. Did you guys know about these? Let me explain the concept to you of a shot glass.

A shot glass is what a non alcoholic uses to make sure they don't get too much alcohol in their drink.

Kind of bizarre, isn't it? I mean, you know, here they are all the boy. The recipe calls for an ounce of alcohol. I don't want to get too much in there. Yeah, we know what an ounce is. You just free pour it.

We'll top it off a little bit there.

See if you're new. It says that the greater demonstration of these principles is in like other places than AA and our work and our community. And so it's tough enough to do it in AA, but we're supposed to do it other places. You're going to get some like non alcoholic friends someday and you're going to like do something really stupid and lame like go to a movie and have dinner.

And so you're going to go out to the movie and, and, and they're going to 1st ask you, do they do you mind if they do you mind if they drink? And, and the reason they know you're an alcoholic is because you have like jewelry all over you and all your chips on your side. Just being anonymous.

Bill Wilson is my friend. T-shirt, you know, and you're going to go. You're going to say something and say do you mind if we drink? And you're going to go. I stopped drinking. The world didn't. You're just being humble.

And so these these mooks, these people who could have anything they want behind the bar. Kamikaze, Long Island Iced Tea, a drink I never had.

You are encouraging me to relapse. Do you understand what you're doing?

Just woke him up. Oh, they said it was OK to have one. They said it was really good.

I already have my relapse drink vanilla Stoli

so. But anyway, these idiots,

these idiots, these idiots can have anything they want and they go, yeah, boy, it's been a tough week, man. They ate my lunch this week. I'm going to have, I'm really need a drink. I'm going to have a a white wine spritzer

on the rocks. Not too much wine, lots of spritz. And when they order it, you kind of want to hurt them for some reason,

grab them, but you're not because you're monitoring, because you know what you used to do, you used to belt three or four in the house or at the bar when you went to the bathroom. And so maybe they're just kind of hiding their drinking. And so they sit there

and they sip it all through dinner.

Just step. You already know they're not alcoholic. They'd be swallowing, right?

They sip it. So now it gets time to go see the Titanic or some dumb movie. And I just want to say one thing about the Titanic. I didn't like that movie. I can have a good relationship with a woman if I know I'm going to die in five hours, OK? And that's all I want to say about that movie. If I'm going to freeze to death tonight, I'm your guy, OK?

But you know, I want to see those people five years from now when she wants to buy China and he wants to ride the wild horses. That's when I smoked him.

That's when I want to see that relationship. So anyway, you got it's time to go to the movie. You're getting up and you notice there's still wine in the glass

and they're leaving and you know you can't let this happen. Somehow you've got to get them to drink

the rest of that wine.

You know, this isn't like normal, so you're trying to hide it. You're going to go, did you know there's wine? You'd be like, yeah, yeah, that's fine. I said, well, why don't you just drink it then and we can go, no, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. See, that's the difference between them and us. They go, I'm done.

They walk away, we go. I'm done.

One more.

Right. So you're doing so you're doing all right. Well, just drink it. Just drink it. We go to the movie. No, I don't want anywhere. Just drink it. Would you? Would you just just just throw it? Just shut the thing and we can get out of here. Well, if I do that, I'll get sick. Then what the hell do you drink?

So you just can't make a non alcoholic drink like us.

I identified didn't I see because what happens is you give me 6 or 7 ounces of ethyl alcohol. I I swallow it.

It goes down my throat,

hits my stomach. The sun rises,

paralyzes my legs, comes up my chest, goes out my fingers, flushes my face, and every pore in my body goes

ah.

Your sphincter is a little tighter, isn't it

the little sweat? Because you know the ah. See, we know the ah, They don't know ah. It doesn't go ah for them, just goes huh?

The most fascinating drink I've seen is is. What is that new one Zima? Only drink I've ever seen Fascinate old timers. I see new guys come in. Can you help me with the steps? You tell me what a Zima tastes like. I'll help you with the stuff.

What is this bubbly and clear? How does that work?

You know what I mean?

Because this guy I don't does this guy talk to you? Talk to me all the time? You know that? Oh, you're a good person. You can have just one drink. You've got sober when you were 30. You're you've been sober a long time. You get maybe you just had a problem. You have just one Judge John. Let's have AZ mile. What is a Zima? Clear and bubbly. Clear and bubbly. Clear and bubbly.

I try to find he's the Rain Man of demons. Who is who he is. You know, I'm a very good drinker. I'm a very good drinker. I'm gonna have 5 minutes to Jack Daniels, 5 minutes to Jack. Down to 5 minutes, Jack.

Let's just have a non alcoholic beer. Let's try that

now. I have no opinion about that. I know people drink them. That's up to them. I don't drink non alcoholic beer. For me to drink a non alcoholic beer would be like to go to a House of prostitution to listen to the piano player.

It ain't going to happen, you know, I mean, I'm going to I'm going to tell myself I'm just going for the music, the Bach, the Mozart. I'm going to get a room. OK, I know that. So I just. So then he goes. And if you knew he's talking to you too, he just talks. He'd say I woke him up with that at all parties. Let's get the hell out of here and go out. If you're new, he's saying something to you like this. He's going. OK, OK, OK, OK. You got 90 days,

you better drink before you get too much time or you won't be able to drink anymore.

You get 120 days, you won't be able to pick up again. Or he's saying something like this. OK, maybe we're an alcoholic. Maybe, maybe, maybe we're all be reasonable, which is a big lie. I'll be reasonable. Let's drink tonight, which is always his plan. Let's drink tonight. And if we're alcoholic, we'll come back tomorrow.

Now, there is only one group of people in this room that can guarantee if they drink tonight, where they will be tomorrow,

the Allen Arts. And if they're not working a good program, they can guarantee where you'll be tomorrow. OK, but but not me. If I drink, I can't guarantee where I'm going to be. June, July

2000. I don't know where I'm going to be once I get back on that roller coaster. Yeah. And he said talk to me. He's going, you're a very good person. You're very good. Now I know. I know in the deepest part of me because I've been restored to sanity. And the second step, which to me only means that I look at alcohol and no, it will kill me.

When it talks about insanity in the big book, it always talks about taking a drink when we're stone cold sober, thinking this time it will be different, this time it won't be so bad. It hasn't got anything to do with my relationships, my jobs or anything else. You know what? I can take a rock and hit somebody right now that has just the same relationship problems as anybody in this room.

They would never think about drinking as a way to solve them. I can take a rocket, hit somebody that has just the same employment problems. It's not alcoholic insanity. They just never would think about drinking as a way to solve them. I will because it solves them. I don't care anymore. I care too much. Or I can cry or I can shut you off. I can do something. It's magic for me.

So if that guy ever talks to me, he says, OK, you can have one, you can just have one, you can have one. And I believe him. And I take that one drink and it hits my stomach. Bam, he's right over here. You rock, loser. You, you just throw away 19 years. Why don't you drink your miserable self to death, you know, And if I could ever get those guys out in front of me and went, you guys aren't consistent.

They go, we don't care. We don't even like you. Our job is to kill you.

So why are you talking to us rather than your sponsor

that just has never see? Peg M from Nebraska was the speaker at the Friday night meeting at the San Fernando Valley Convention last night. And she said something that I believe. And it's always nice when you hear people you really respect say something you believe, even if they're just validating your mistake. It sounds good. And, and, and she talked about she just had given up on getting well

and I just have given up on getting well. And, and the great thing that does for me is it keeps me in my meetings. I, I got to go to a certain amount of meetings just to maintain the kind of hold on reality that I've got. How about you? I can, I can, I can get real depressed just reading the newspaper.

Oh, I can get, I can get really upset getting on a plane. Let me tell you, I got one of those things that's like sometimes I want to get into the how stupid are you category with people. You know, when they're sitting there, you're driving down the road and they're pushing the cross sign like 14 times. You want to stop your car and go, how stupid are you? Just do it once, okay?

Get back in your car. This is what happens on airplanes. You ever notice this? You're sitting in your seat on airplane. Somebody comes on, they've got like seat 37. They look one. OK, they've got seed 37 one. They move one Rd. down and look again.

This has got to be two. It can't be anything other than two. What are you doing? These want to grab them? How stupid are you? Yeah, I'm, I'm not well, OK, just in case you thought I was the well speaker, they're happening later. I I mean, one of the greatest growth, spiritual growth places for me is the 13 item line at the grocery store. Right? 30 not great place for alcoholic spiritual growth.

You know, 'cause you get in the 13 item line and you're waiting and you're going to be tempted to count the number of items in the basket in front of you. Don't do this. It's a loser play no matter what happens,

because if you count them and there's thirteen, you kind of go, oh, thirteen. Now what am I going to do? I read The Enquirer, find out about the guy with two heads. But then if there's like 15, you can get up on that spiritual hilltop and go. Can't count when you're old

I guess some people just get to put 15 items in their basket. See if I was God and you'll be glad I'm not. And you had 15 items in the 13 item line. I would shoot you. Got you like a deer hang you up over the cash register. 13 items in the 15 item line and nobody do that anymore.

This is the attitude I had before I drank to see if I could change AA from Alcoholics Anonymous I would change it too. Does not play well with others. Anonymous.

We are the kids that went in the kindergarten. Grab the T-shirt and went. I'm in charge now.

Give me the cookies and the bankies and nobody gets hurt.

The future drug addicts were in the back, crushing up the cookies, mixing them with other things.

So let's just take a little inventory here. We've got all the blankets, all the toys, and we're selling the other kids bad cookies. Wondering why doesn't anybody like me?

I don't know about you, but the literature describes me perfectly. I do not know how to be a worker among worker, a friend among friends. I don't know how to do anything but dominate or be dominated. I, I, I have no idea how to come into a meeting and make the meeting. As much as it's in my power, as good for you it is, it is for me. I learned that all here. I learned that because I had a Home group and, and I would just really suggest if you don't have a Home group, get one. They will drive you crazy,

but don't change your Home group because if you get a resentment and go to another Home group, those people will just go with you.

Now, they'll have different little earth suits on, they'll have different names, different bodies, but it's the same people.

See, if God has a lesson for me to learn, I'm not going to avoid it by moving down the street. See, I always think I can manipulate God. You know what I mean? I mean, he can make a butterfly. All I can make is Kaka. But I think I'm going to fool it. What's behind you? Nothing, guy. There's nothing here, See? Nothing here.

So you get a Home group and then if you stay in that Home group long enough, my, my spiritual grandmother was Alabama and she always said, you know, someday you're going to have to, you know, be the leader around there for at least a minute. And you got to be careful because if you can get shocked for that in some groups.

But I was sitting like, I go to this Home group, It's in a church, it meets in the morning. They only have a couple of rules. We're not supposed to use profanity or because little kids are coming in the church and don't smoke on church grounds and and don't bring pets. And I don't know why they have the pet rule doesn't bother me, but they have it. Maybe it's a liability thing. So I'm sitting in the doorway one day and this guys walking up the steps with this little puppy and it's a neighbor. I'm hoping he's going to walk by, but he's coming up. And so now I'm there and I know I got to do the deal. So I start breathing deep

because, you know, any time you give Alcoholics bad news, they're not happy. They don't go. Oh, thank you so much for sharing. It's not generally what they. The most unused part in this book is like when the husband and wife fighting, it says, excuse me, dear, this is getting out of hand.

Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah, We all go right to that. I know you do. I certainly do after I kill everything you love. This is getting out of hand.

So he's coming up the steps and I go, Hi, good morning. How are you? Nice to see you. Listen, the church has some rules. Not us. Bad church, bad church, bad church control issues. But they have few rules. And one of the rules is you can't bring the dog into the meeting. He looked me in the eye and he said the perfect alcoholic thing. It's just a small dog,

isn't that it? You know, I mean, why are you so uppity? I just had sex with your sister for a little while. What's the problem?

I like this row. They were late. You guys are really ill. If you're laughing this much at this stuff, you're.

This is the non-smoking section.

Too much oxygen. Don't go there. Over here. I like it. I I haven't been in a smoking meeting a long time. I remember. Yeah, I remember a when if you could go in the meeting and see the leader, you knew you were in Al Anon

where you can go down a convention if you didn't lose a lung, it wasn't good, you know. And remember an AA when all the walls were like nicotine yellow. Remember that? Yeah, I think you had to order that paint from New York. I remember the Radford group was my Home group and I, I moved there and it was like nicotine yellow because they've been, they had smoke from Bill Wilson there and so they painted it this nice white. And that's the first time I knew Alcoholics will complain about anything because they painted it this night one for two weeks, the sharing meetings. I don't like it this way. I liked it better

other way

because if you're new, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous, the most rigid organization on the face of the earth. It is. You wouldn't think it. We don't like to think of ourselves that way, do we? I like to think of ourselves as bohemian, laid back rebels. That's only with alcohol. Once you take the alcohol out of the alcoholic, very rigid. Now, if you don't think this is true, just get in your inner group. GSO just just join your picnic committee

and as the picnic committee's going along, say something like,

Mr. Chairman, I think we should move the tables over there this year.

There will be a deadly silence

and one of the oldest of old timers will go. Son, we don't move the picnic tables at the Huntsville group. Bill Wilson put those picnic tables there.

Doctor Bob had some potato salad right there. Son, we don't mow the picnic tables. You just take those liberal ideas and hold on to them.

I said this mean I speaking at this meeting and lock it yada. The other day. It's very nice meeting. Very, very old. You know an AA. Most of the meetings I go I'm Ward Cleaver, which is a really unfortunate thing because they're young. They're very young. This was an older meeting and they were doing chips in this nice lady down front. They said I've got a 30 day chip. Anybody got 30 days and she went, I have 29, can I take a chip? You would have thought she farted. My these people know you can't have them 30 days #29 you'll get boils and flag.

It will fall apart and it'll be bad if you do that.

These are people who went out for a pack of cigarettes. Halloween didn't come back for Valentine's Day, but God forbid this woman take a chip one damn second early. You know?

It's scary what happens to us. You know,

all the double winners are going, yeah, we know, We know we got a solution for you. I told that story and a guy came up to a true story. A guy got, he said he was in his Home group, which was a club, and they were trying to obey by the traditions in this club. And they were debating whether to have a Coca-Cola machine, whether we were debating whether to have a soda machine

in the club or not. And they debated this all day long. There's only Alcoholics can. And finally, they decided they were going to have a soda machine in this club. And just to mess with them, he raised his hand and said, Mr. Chairman, there is a vast issue here we have not addressed. And the chairman said, what's that? He says I like Pepsi.

So the chairman came up back, he was going to kill him because he knew that meant like three more days of debate,

scrutiny, impeachment. Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi.

I love it. I just love it. I don't know about you, but if you're not having fun in meetings, you're not going to the right meetings. You know, because the great thing about an IA meetings is 1 old timer might get in a fistfight with another old timer over gratitude

or the punctuation in the big book I remember. You know, they get in their walkers when I was new and try to hit each other.

We'd bet on them. Heart attack, win the fight. Heart attack, win the fight.

It's a terrific program. And they tell you they don't lie to you. I lie to newcomers all time.

I lie all the time I lie I might that's a lie. See that they don't lie to you. Naa is a lie. They will lie to you. My experience with people in a as they will lie one upside of you, one side of you and down the other if they think it will buy you 5 seconds of sobriety. I have guys call me all the time me, me, me, me, my, my, my, me, my, my, my, my, my she she she she she me, me, me, those little black holes of early recovery. And if you're new, don't take offense at that. Everybody is that way and they got so I'll listen to it for a little while. I go, well, why don't you read page

36?

I don't know what's on 36, have no idea what's on 36. Just came to my brain 36,

10 minutes later. Thank you so much.

I

then I got to write Read 36, found out what I said, you know? Oh yeah, that was pretty good of me, wasn't it?

The way I like to mess with newcomers is I go up to one I've been watching. I go how much time you got me Go 35 days. It's great. At 40 days, we send you a gift.

And they're new. They're not stupid. They go really well. Yeah. Yeah. We send you a gift. Yeah. Right. Said Yeah, Right. To your home, they go. How do you know where I live? I go. We know

get scratch that paranoia just a little bit. We know, we know. So I'll go. I won't see him for a while to get like 95 days. They'll come up to me. Hey, man, where's my guests?

Hello. Well, we moved that up. It's 120 days, 120 days. You get to get the 120 and it goes on for about 6 months. Finally, they come up to me. Hey, Steve. I know what the gift is. I know what it is. It's sobriety, isn't it? I know. Yeah. Shipped right to your home.

So I mean, I love Alcoholics Anonymous because I'm one of those guys that takes 50 words to say anything. And I love the guys in a a that can just put you straight. There was a guy that sat out in front of Radford. His name was Big Jack. He's passed away.

Big Jack was a railroad guy. You know, he was just one of those guys. And he helped so many guys. And I remember I had this job, first job I got when I moved to LA was waiting tables in a restaurant, just like almost everybody who moves to LA. And, you know, and it was a great job because it let me learn how to play with the team. I'm, I'm an, you know, I think one of the paradoxes of recovery is the lone wolf has to join a group in order to survive. So I'm a loner. I am not a communal beast

and and so I this I learned how to play well with you guys and then I go out and then and you know, they didn't always seat that restaurant the way I liked it set I was in. I was a waiter, but I wanted to get I had a management person in here telling and Jack would just say they didn't hire you to how to do the restaurant, did they, Steve? So one night they one night after I got off work, I would go to the 711, have a a a Diet Coke and a Snickers bar and played a video game to kind of calm down. That's a real paradox right there, right?

And and all I had was a 20 and the guy wouldn't break the 20. And he just infuriated me. I don't, I don't know about you, but my first three years, see, I am the president of the Night Sky Society. I'm the guy that was giving flowers to your mother while you were riding the Harley with Guido. Okay, Because I would get in with your mother. Then when he broke your heart, I'd be there. Mr. Nice Guy. I'm the guy in the big book. It talks about trying to get his way by being nice.

I wasn't nice. That was just my way of getting what I wanted.

And so when I got sober and stopped drinking, all of that stuff came up. And for the first three years of my sobriety, I was enraged. Most of the time. I was working a hello program, going to a lot of meetings, praying. I remember I was in the shower one day just screaming at God, would you take this character defect away? And I could hear him just as clear as I could hear you say, if I took it away, Steve, you wouldn't talk to me anymore.

Your anger's keeping you on your knees and I like hearing from you. So I'm not going to take it

my football.

So this guy just arranged me and and big guys would walk away from me. I'm not the biggest guy and I'm not much of A fighter, but big guy because they would see the insanity in our eyes. They knew it was like they'd have to kill us. Not a fight. It's a death throw. And so so the fact is I just wanted to reach out and rip this guy's heart out for not changing that. 20 The red veil came down. I was there before I was there. So I walked out of that. 711 I drove home. I wanted to I was so mad. I wanted to drive back and I didn't, which was spiritual growth. And the next day I saw Jack and I

story and I saw and he said, yeah, you see, Steve, and you didn't have to go back and make any amends, did you? And I went, I asked him this question. I said, yeah, Jack, but when do the feelings change? And he said eventually,

you know, I mean, and it was like, oh, OK, good, eventually. And I was, OK.

I mean, I'm a very complex person, or at least think I am. And what I love about a is just the simplicity of it that I just get eventually. And somehow it's like, OK, I can live with that.

There's a guy who's passed away and, and he passed away 20 years before I got sober. Alan McGinnis was from Los Angeles and he said let the tailgater pass,

which is quantum physics for Alcoholics. Let the tailgater pass. The I would have never thought about that on my own. I had to come here. I got a masters degree, would never have thought about it on my own. I have to come to Alcoholics Anonymous and say let the tailgate her pass.

You know what we do with tailgaters? You either slow down South, their head gets big and their eyes explode,

or you've let them pass and then you tailgate them, right? That's what you do. But the

let them pass on and go down and not be Highway Patrol or come on. How would that ever, ever occur to anybody?

The only way to stop drinking is to stop drinking.

I learned that here.

I stopped drinking trying to drink champagne. I stopped drinking trying to drink beer. I stopped drinking trying to drink Boone's Farm Apple wine. It almost worked.

But it wasn't till I came here that somebody said the only way to stop drinking is to stop drinking.

Too complex for that on to too complex to almost miss this simple answer. And I'm so grateful, grateful for the simplicity of Alcoholics Anonymous because my life isn't necessarily very simple. I mean, there is some complexity to it. There just is. It's not that I make it. Sometimes I do, sometimes I make the drama. But you know, to me, life is can be a very complex

thing to do and, and I get to come back to the sanctuary of Alcoholics Anonymous where I remember things can be just very simple.

I was walking in this meeting, my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

No, I wanted to say is the simple things I'm walking in this meeting and this guy remember, I think I know what it's all people, right? And this guy named Tim is walking out and times in tennis clothes and he's about 35 and he puts his hand out and he says hi, I'm Tim. I can't stay, but the meetings just starting go on in

now. That was May 1st, 1979 and I'm still talking about Tim.

I honestly believe it's the little things and Alcoholics Anonymous

that make the difference. I can tell you who spoke at my first convention. It was amazing. The guy that wrote the professor in the paradox from the 2nd edition, the woman got first Nassau clearance from Houston, TX was the Friday night speaker, Normay was a Saturday night speaker, and the guy that wrote Living sober was a Sunday night speaker. I was still one of the best lineups I've ever seen. But you know what? And I can remember a lot of norm age pitch because I used to play it all the time. But I'm not I'm not sure except for the guy that wrote Living sober said that he they found the cause of alcohol alcoholism. It was a volume deficiency.