The Northern Plains Group Second Anniversary in Fargo, ND

Hi everybody. My name is John Scott and I'm an alcoholic.

I I was watching that young lady.

You do this this morning. This is time for applause.

I want to I want to thank you folks for inviting me to this very special occasion your birthday and I got AI got a group that I call Home group just almost as crazy as you folks

bunch of sick and retorted people there and

none of you that wouldn't fit right in. So

come see us anytime you want to. It's a recovery group and Billings and

there are a strange assortment of wonderful and wacky people. So

if you if you feel like this group is doing it wrong, come over our group and we'll straighten out.

I want to thank Chad and the committee for asking me to to show up here on this monument this occasion. I want to thank Mike and and Jay for

being prompted meeting me at the airport while kind of they kind of met me at the airport. But anyway, they were there. I didn't have to walk. So that was good And and I've just had a great time. All kidding aside, this this, this is the type of a a that I crave. It's a little phrase in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous on on the page 164, it says that

God will show us how to create a fellowship that we crave. And boy, this is what I always, this is what I always wanted. I didn't know it was, you know, I, I'm the kind of guy who always knows what I want, but what I really want is not what I want. And when I get what I really, really want, it's not what I really wanted. And, and, and people would say, no, you don't want that. You want this over here. And I'd say, no, that's not what I want over there. I want this here. And I'd get this here. And that this here just got me weirder and weirder and weirder. And finally, after doing what I didn't want to do, and I started getting everything I ever really wanted,

and I didn't know that's what I wanted until I got here. And that's a that's an amazing thing about Alcoholics Anonymous.

I I'm the kind of guy who knows. I don't know if there's anybody else in here who knows. But I know, I know things that is, that are not true. And I will believe them until I die from it. I know that things are true even though everybody all around me saying, no, that's not the way to do it. I'll go, Yeah, it is. That's exactly the way I should do it. And that's how I got here, doing it exactly the way I thought I should do it every chance I got. And, and so

I don't want you to think I'm slow, but I'm a little slow. I'm, I'm finally coming to the conclusion after, after being here for quite some time, It's it's done on me. I'm not, I'm not too swift. And took me a year and a half of sitting in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and one day I woke up.

My God, I'm an alcoholic

so don't call me lightning for nothing you know?

I've been sober since December 19th 1982 and.

And for that I'm awful grateful and saw a whole bunch of other people and

this is not what I wanted to do. I didn't want to get sober. I mean, why would you want to get sober?

I mean, really, I mean, when I was out there drinking, I mean, that's that was kind of I'd get relaxed. You know, you have a few drinks and you have a have a miserable day and you're tense and nervous and upset and going there and you have a few drinks

just I mean, it's just kind of come over. You know, you can kind of relax and begin to talk about things. You absolutely have no clue in the world what you're talking, but it's OK. I I had a brand new banker one time and and we got in an argument one night. He was at the northern Hotel. I drink basically in two places. I drink in the northern hotel of the keg bar. The northern hotel was where all the ranchers and farmers and Realtors and business people went and drank coming up for class place. And I, I drank it to keg bar where all the bikers and the wannabe husbands and the near do.

And I was comfortable at either place. It didn't matter. Usually I'd started out at the Northern and then they kicked me out there and I'd end up at the, at the keg and, and I, I can, I can't, I can't tell you how much I, you know, what I drink at one place or the other any more than than the other. I mean, I don't know, 'cause most of my stories, I was blacked out most of the time. So most of my stories hearsay.

I'm a a married to the same wife that I was married to when I was drinking.

We got to where we hated each other a lot.

Not when I first found her. When I first found her, I thought she was it. And I was playing a rock'n'roll band and at the time, a few years earlier, I was working for my dad on the ranch and, and all of a sudden I thought I needed a little change. So I went from being a redneck cowboy in the early sixty 60s to a long haired maggot infested hippie in the late 70s, you know, and

you know, I'm, I'm a chameleon. You know what, what do you want to see? And I'll be up, you know, it doesn't matter. And, and anyway, I got in this rock'n'roll band and I was, I was a legend in my own mind for quite some time. And we played, we played all over the world. And there's other places, you know, mostly around Billings.

I don't have no flashy story. I really don't. I just I just drank and I I didn't get in a lot of trouble. I mean, every once in a while I'd be forced into hitting a cop or something, get thrown in jail for a little bit. But that no, there's really, there's no flash really. To tell you the truth. At first, my drinking career was fantastic. I mean, I just had a blast. You know, my wife who is a, a black belt al Anon and she, she,

she thought that she was getting a pretty good deal when she met me because I was playing in this rock'n'roll band and I didn't drink then. I, I just did as many drugs as I could, but I never drank.

And, and I, I remember, you know, she was kind of proud of the fact that dad didn't drink. But after four years of starving to death, I finally decided to go back to work on the agriculture And I, I, you know, cut my hair, started drinking, started catching hippies and cutting their hair, you know, and, and, and I just, I just went back to another way of life and it didn't, it's easy for me to do that. I can do that without almost thinking. I mean, it's just seems like the thing to do, you know, I, I got

thing that I work with all the time and it, it talks to me in the night, you know, whenever I'm trying to sleep and it'll tell me about how they're screwing me over again and I'll figure out a new way to go. And, and I,

like I said, I loved her dearly. I, I really did. And I found myself slowly over a period of time, taking that beautiful woman and just almost destroying her. We ended up with several kids and, and I was working, I ended up working for my dad on the ranch and, and

it was not a small place. We had a pretty good size outfit. My job, it was in the morning, I'd step outside of my house and I go over to my helicopter and I'd get it and I'd fly to work and I'd make sure that there's about 75 Alcoholics just like me working as hard as they could. And the reason I hired Alcoholics is you don't hire Al Anon to make you look bad, you know, and, and I, I would, I would, at night, I'd have them all over at my house and we'd be drinking. And I don't need to tell you not much got done.

It was a great place to work, but nobody worked at work. And, and

we, you know, we finally went broke in that place and that was in the 70s and sold my helicopter and fired all my alkies and, and on one thing led to another. And I, I just got to where I drank a lot because the job load was over, you know, and I, I, the reason I drink for the longest time is 'cause I had this great big, heavy, this heavy job load that I had. And, and of course I didn't cause of her. If you, if you had a woman like I did, you drink too, you know, and, and, and

I, during the late 70s, I just got to drinking a lot. I drink, I drink every day. I drink as much as I could every day. And I wasn't always drunk, but if I, if I wasn't drunk, I'd been drinking, you know, and, and I didn't trust anybody that didn't drink. You can't trust them. You know, how can you trust someone who don't drink? And, and, and they didn't have any fun. And I was, I, you know, I wasn't worried about being an alcoholic, but one of the things that really bothered me is my wife wouldn't drink like I drink. And she would, we'd have her have, you know, two or three drinks and, and she'd get like 2 down and she'd say, well, no, thank you. I'm starting to feel it.

Of course you're starting to feel it. That's what you're supposed to do. You have a couple more drinks and you'll get past that feeling, whatever you feel and you'll get to what I feel. And, and she just wouldn't do it, you know, and she'd sit there, she'd get these drinks with the umbrellas in them, you know, and all the weird names and the weird colors and she sit there and she did that and she'd talk or she'd sit there and she'd do that and she'd talk. I mean, that's alcohol abuse. You never would touch it, you know, and I and I, my deal was I walk in the bar and they know what my deal was. It it's true at a time to keep them coming. And they knew what two at the time was, you know, and, and I just

down there, they set 2 drinks up and she was there. They'd ask her what she wanted. She go,

you know, and it's just like a major decision for her to figure out what she's going to drink and and I'd have to you know, I'd drink my two down and she's still talking and letting her ice melt in hers and I'd have to sit there and drink her so I didn't look so bad because I ordered another set and and she never did do it good. She never could learn how to drink and I was always kind of embarrassed by her attitude. And she,

she, she never didn't catch it. And, and I, I was when I first got to Alcoholics Anonymous, Anonymous, I had a sponsor, Nate and Richard. And Richard, he explained to me about the nature of the illness of alcoholism and he'd point me to the doctor's opinion in the big book. And he talked about this allergy to alcohol that we have and,

and, you know, I couldn't get it. I, I couldn't get it, you know, and I'm allergic to things. I'm allergic to apples, bananas, cherries and avocados. And, and oh, by the way, I want to thank the committee for the fruit basket.

And when I take a bite out of an apple, I, I swallow up, my chest swells up, my throat swells shut and I can't breathe. And, and, and I never had a reaction like that when I drink alcohol. When I drink alcohol, I just,

I just got thirsty. I just wanted more. I mean, it just tasted like another drink. And you know, they in the book it talks about a craving for alcohol. I never had a craving for alcohol, not once. You know, I'd, I'd go into the town every once in a while, go to the Northern Hotel and you know, heck, it might be 8:30 in the morning, but I wasn't craving. I just thirsty. And I'd go in there and they give me two at a time. And they kept them coming until, you know, the bar closed. And how the Northern Hotel would close is at

at 12:30, one o'clock,

they would shut down. Well, the bars closed in Montana at 2:00. So they would just shut down and you could sit there and drink all you wanted to. Well, sometimes I'd find myself alone drinking and, and everybody else is gone and they just leave all the drinks on the table that everybody else had. And I would just, well, I mean, it's free booze. I mean, you can't turn that down. So I go around and I just mix all these drinks that everybody had left and shoot, I'd finish it off, you know, and, and somebody told me once that wasn't really social drinking, but I felt like it, it was a good deal for me. I thought

a blue light special and I, I, I did that a lot. And, and the, The thing is, is that it finally got to where I couldn't, I couldn't do it anymore. I mean, I got to where

my life was really getting turned upside down and I had this imaginary thing going on. I always, I always thought I was something special. I, I really did. I thought that I had some things going for me that other people didn't. I had this Gray matter, my secret weapon between my ears and, and one of the things that I kind of knew that nobody else really knew was that that I was just the hair above the average bear. I mean, I, I was just a little bit sharper than most. And, and because I, I, I was somebody, you know, I mean, I had people fly me to

listen to Chicago and bankers and lawyers and feed me and why me and dime me and that kind of stuff. And, and I just had this illusion about who and what I was. And, and the truth of the matter is it's all a lie. I believe lies. I love lies. You give me a, you give me a guy who'll tell me the truth or a crook. I believe the crook every time. You know why 'cause I like them. Honest guy can't hardly stand because he tells me it's the truth. No truth always for me. But it's kind of like, it's just painful, you know, I just don't want to hear it. And, and I, and I got the Alcoholics Anonymous and I had a lot of people tell me

truths and I didn't like it at all. And the truth of the matter was, is I was so desperate when I finally got here that I was willing to do some things that that I've never been willing to do ever before in my entire life. And I said that my sobriety date was the 19th, but I got to always remember the 18th, the 18th of December, I woke up in the basement of the house that I really didn't know where is that? And I finally figured out where I was at and, and me and this other guy who had been drinking for quite some time,

I was a runner. I'd get drunk and I'd be gone for, you know, two or three weeks and then I'd get sober for a little bit and then I'd be gone for two or three weeks. And I mean a little bit, I'm talking about 2448 hours. I, I was never somebody who could say sober for very long. I mean, why would you? And, and I ended up waking up that day and, and I lost my pickup. I always, I had a tendency to lose my pickup every once in a while and, and stolen mostly. And, and I'd end up

talking to this guy and I said, you know, listen, I can't do this anymore. I mean, I'm trying to figure out how to kill my wife and kids

and I really was because it's their fault is their fault. My life is upside down the way it was. I mean, I'd already decided that I had to kill myself and I just, I was kind of like Wayne was talking about just couldn't quite get there. You know, it just depends on what, 5 minutes I had a mind of a newcomer, you know what 5 minutes it is or two seconds. It's like I need to kill her. Well, I need to kill myself. You know, what if I go to A and it works, or what if I go to a A and it don't work? You know, what happens if she stays? What happens if she leaves? You know, my mind is flipping back and forth just all the time. And I could never, it was really hard for me to stop

that I had. And sometimes it used to be in the past when I drank, it would stop. But now it, it doesn't even stop anymore. And I found myself, you know, drinking as much as I could, trying to shut that thing down a little bit. And what would happen is I just, I drink, I drink like 1/5 of whiskey or 2/5 of whiskey and, and I would just be sober. And then the next time I drink, I drink like a can or two beers. And then I beat some bombed out. I couldn't even function, you know, And so I had absolutely lost my control over the alcohol. And

anyway, this morning we went and found my pick up and there's a guy named Frank who'd been off at the feed lot where I, where I worked out on the ranch.

And he'd come several months earlier, about six months earlier, he'd come out to the ranch and he,

he wasn't drinking. And Frank and I drink, I mean, Frank drink like I drink. And we would, we would just, I mean, we'd just get going. And they say no, heck, it might be a week or two before we got back. And, and Frank said as opinionated one night, we argued about it all that night. And next morning I finally proved him wrong, you know, and, and I, I ended up that night losing my pick up too, come to think of it. And The thing is that what happened is Frank shows up

that night, six months before I got the Alcoholics Anonymous and he wouldn't drink and he, he would not have a drink with me. I said, what, what's, what's wrong with you, Frank? How come you're not drinking? You always drink. And he says, no, I'm, I'm just not going to have a drink. And, and I'm a very obnoxious drunk when I'm drinking. If, if you're not going to, if you're not going to have fun with me, then I, I have fun with you. And so Frank, Frank's trying to get up these stairs, my bars in the basement underneath the kitchen and, and his, he, he's trying to get upstairs and I just

grab them by the hind leg and drag them back down the stairs and put them on the stool. And we'd sit there and have these drinks. And why he wasn't drinking, I was thinking and he kept telling me he had to go. He had to go. And I kept saying, well, why do you have to go? What's so important that you got to leave? Nobody like John sitting here by himself, you know, And finally he told me, he says, well, Johnny says, I'm going to, I'm going to go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous tonight. I've been going for about four months,

Frank, my God, Alcoholics Anonymous. That's a aren't you over correcting? Just a little bit, Frank. And and and

I says Jesus drink just like I do. And he says, yeah, I know. And and and I said, my God, Frank. And then I got to thinking about it and my life is upside down. I mean, I hated my wife, I hated my job, I hated everything. And and and I said to Frank, I said, Frank, maybe I go to that meeting with you. He says, hell no, says you can't come to meet with me. I said, why not? Frankie says. He said, because Alcoholics Anonymous is for people who have quit drinking and you're still drinking. Obviously when you want to quit, come see me. He says,

come see me tomorrow. He says, I'll take you to meet tomorrow, but I'm not going to take you on tonight. And I can remember waking up that next morning going, my God, you know what I almost did? I almost went to A and a last night, you know, jeez, this is getting freaky. I'm going to have to quit this stuff. I'm going to have to really start paying attention what's going on here because

so anyway, six months later, we're driving down the road being this other guy that I've been drinking with. And I told him, I says we need to go see Frank Frank's going that Alcoholics Anonymous and see, I know things. It's not true and I believe them. And I know that Alcoholics Anonymous is about how you learn how to drink sociably. So I, I was under the impression that that's what we was going to learn, was going to learn how to go in there and just, you know, drink like my wife drink, you know, have one or two drinks and then leave. And

I was badly mistaken when I got here. You guys had other plans. But the the thing was, is that I find

finally found Frank. He was working over the feed store and and oh, he was glad to see me. He was just a little tickled. He had there's 20 questions. Is there a 20 questions? And he handed them to me. And this other guy is with and says here, read these. And and we was reading them and we was asking Frank if he'd take us to a meeting. And it was 8:00 in the morning. We'd already gone out and got us a case of beer because we were thirsty. Whenever I drink a lot like that, I get thirsty and the next morning I get nervous and I need something to calm me down a little bit. And I've already had one or two beers and Frank says, no, I won't take it. I mean,

come on, Frank, when can we go to meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous? He says when you quit drinking, he says you've not quit drinking yet and says as soon as you quit drinking, I'll be glad to take. He said, drink all you wanted today. Drink until the sun goes down. He says drink until midnight. He says, but you know, don't drink tomorrow and I'll take you to the meeting. And, you know, it says in the meantime, look at these 20 questions. So me and this other guy, we decided to go to the keg bar. You know, it's eight, 8:15 in the morning. And

I knew another thing that wasn't true. I, I knew that

with a name like Alcoholics Anonymous, your membership is dropping really bad. Have to be, I mean, Alcoholics Anonymous, come on. And then you guys was somehow getting these new guys to come in and get them to pay 5020 five, $5000 a month for membership. And the way you suckered these dummies in there as you had this test that nobody could pass. There's 20 questions. So five of us guys in the keg bar at 8/30, 9:00 in the morning, they're trying to pass this test and we're, you know,

check one off. You maybe check two off. You probably are check three off. You're in bad trouble before you're done. You know, well, heck, I'm getting like 1819 of these things checked off, you know, and everybody else does too. And you know, it's obvious. It's a trap. It's a stinking trap. And

my, my wife was working at a bank at the time because, oh, it was during, it was in the middle of a recession in Billings, Mt. I mean, we had, I mean, nobody could get a job anywhere. And one of the time she'd move out, she boom. And she'd move out. She'd move in. And all this was going on because we hate each other for five seconds and all of a sudden we fall in love again and then have to bring it back. And, and then she'd leave and then I have to go find her or I'd leave and she had to come find me. We we just like. We just like.

We hated each other, but we couldn't turn a loose, you know what I mean? And we just couldn't turn loose of each other. But we hated each other. And the more we hated each other, the more we couldn't turn loose. And the more we try to help each other, the worse we got.

And so finally, you know, one of the time she moved to town and she said she's going to get a job.

What the hell are you going to get a job? How can you get a job suit? We have this recession going on in Billings. All my friends at the keg, barring them have a job been looking for years. And and and I didn't know I was married to a pre Eleanor. She went in there. She found three jobs and 1/2 an afternoon working all three of them. And, and one of them was at a bank and the bank was having a party that night and the night of the 18th. And I, I called the, I called her and I says I'm not going to make it to the party because she, she

would not go anywhere with me drinking after after some time. And and because I was, I was

I'm the kind of guy to get up on the bars and, you know, pour drinks as I'm walking down over your drinks. And and

they I got kicked out of those places. I get, I mean, it's one thing to get kicked out of the Northern, It's another thing to get kicked out of the keg. And I just got it didn't matter. It seems like they all they just didn't like me sometimes. And, and I had to, I'd called her up and I told her, I said, Cindy, I'm not going to make it to your Christmas party. I just can't make it. I'm drinking. But I want you to know one thing. I'm going to Alcoholics Anonymous tomorrow. She was elated. She went

and

I can I drink all that day, the 18th, I drink as much as I could and and I never even got drunk. I drink all day long and I couldn't even get drunk. And I would sit over there in the corner and I would cry. I'd cry because I so lonely because nobody loved me, because nobody cared about me. And I had such deep feelings for other people. And I just fall and then you come over and try to console me and I'd want to fight you because you're one of those people. You're else against me or for me.

You're always against me or for me one of the other. And it didn't matter

if he was really for me, you wouldn't for me enough because if you was, you'd do this or whatever it was. So he was always against me. Everybody's against me. So I just ball. And the next morning I woke up and I for some reason that was on the 19th and I've never had another drink since. And I went to I went to Frank called, says I want to come in a little early. Says go to go to have a supper with me and a guy named Richard. And he says, and if you would, you come on in early and we'll, we'll sit down and we'll

visit a little bit. Well,

we went over to this restaurant and I was not hungry. Fact is, when I drink like I drink, I, I didn't want to eat for days and days after I quit drinking. I didn't want to eat when I was drinking, you know, and, and I used to tell people I was anorexic when I got the Alcoholics Anonymous and look what it's done for me now, you know, because I only weighed about 160 lbs at the time. I know it's hard to believe, but I was kind of dented up and I found myself going over there to this restaurant

and Richard and Frank were there and they would all order the steak. It's really good. And they ordered me a steak and they ate it, you know, 'cause I wasn't hungry. And I remember Richard asking me some questions

and he told me a little bit about his life and how he'd been, he had worked for General Motors and how he had made a lot of money over the years. And then he had been struck with this disease called alcoholism. And he'd been fired, got sober for five years, went back out and drank again. And now he's over again for five years. And

he wore three piece suit wingtip shoes and just stood just like this because he had bad back and smoke cigarettes just like it's constantly, you know, just a little bit intense. And, and

he asked me, he says, do you believe that you're responsible for your own actions? Now, I know that this is an elite group of Alcoholics Anonymous because I've been trying to get into it for over six months and I keep getting turned down and, and my mind is just just, you know, just Wheeling and rolling and, and I, I said yes. And he says, good.

He says, maybe now you'll start acting like you're responsible for your own actions. And I thought, my God, he's been talking to Cindy. I knew he had, you know, and, and at least Richard had, or Frank had been talking to Cindy because Frank and Cindy were later on, whenever I got into Alcoholics Anonymous, Frank could always rat on me every chance he got, and usually through Cindy. And so anyway, I, I told him, yes, and he's good. Maybe he'll start acting like it. And I didn't know at the time,

but Alcoholics Anonymous was beginning, was already starting to get my mindset to where I could do things that I never dreamed possible.

I found myself going to that meeting that night. I don't remember much of them said. I remember that there's another New Girl there and I've never seen her since. I also remember that there's people laughing and scratching and having a great time with each other. They were just having a ball. And I was really kind of feeling sorry for myself because they were all paid counselors, obviously, you know, because if there was Alcoholics, like I was an alcoholic, they wouldn't be laughing and having a good time. And that night, there's a guy who said that he would be my sponsor. And my thoughts was,

well, he must be going to pay that 50 bucks for the next few months and kind of get me started here or something like that. I didn't know what a sponsor was.

And he says, I tell you what you do, says when I go home tonight, he says, I want you to go home with me. And so I did. And he talked to me about Alcoholics and honor for several hours until 2:00 in the morning when the bars closed. And then he said it's time for you to go home now. So I went home and in the morning he called me back up again and says, come on in. And he had an auction And I went in there and stayed there until about 11:00. And then two guys from the group showed up and then they took me out to eat at lunch. And they all the time we're talking about Alcoholics Anonymous. Now I'm really kind of

nervous about this time. So they fixed up this concussion of Cairo syrup and honey and orange juice and a few vitamins and put it in a blender and and said drink this it'll make you feel better. It didn't make me feel better, but it tasted so bad. I just told him I feel better. I feel better. I really do. And and they kept trying to push this down for days and and I kept telling them I feel better, I feel better, but they wouldn't go for it. They wanted me to drink it. And I hate orange juice this day. But what happened is little by little, I'd have another bunch of guys get me later on in that.

And then they would take me to the meeting that night. And then this, this guy who is my sponsor, he would Take Me Home until 2:00. And at 2:00, I'd go home. And then the next morning I'd show up at his place. And they started relaying me for two or three weeks. And I didn't drink. And here's a guy who is knocking out a fifth, fifth and a half of whiskey every day with the, you know, 236 packs of beer. And I just went from that to zip to nothing. And

life is not wonderful when that happens. It just just makes you a little tense and,

and, and, and in the meantime, my sponsor starts calling me in the middle of the night saying they're getting close, they're in my closet, get in here. I need some help now. Who are they? I don't know, but they're getting close. You know, I'm, you know, I may be new, but I'm not stupid, you know? And then he'd call me back and say, stay outside. They're in the car, they're going to come in here any minute, get in here, you know, and I'd call up other people that he was sponsoring at the time. I said, Jesus, have you talked to John today?

What should I do? I don't know. I'm not going over me either, you know, and then you hang up the phone and drink is giant. Have you been talking to I talking to Joy, Joy just worried about you. Joy is against me too, you know, You know, we go talk to the old timers and they say stay away, stay away. Just keep coming. Keep coming to me and keep coming. So even though I was new, my, my,

I knew that that was just a little twisted. And in about 45 days,

he'd gotten mad at his group and he got mad at his sponsor and he got a little twisted and he was gone. So

I thought, well, now I get a chance to ask somebody to be my sponsor. I've been kind of high in this little blonde for the last couple of days. And and I was kind of, I come into a meeting. I was kind of walking across the hall or the room there and and this Richard intercepted me and he says, he says, I'm sorry to hear about your sponsor. I said, well, yeah. He says, well, I said I'm going to be your sponsor now. I said, well, John, Richard, I'm I'm not sure if I, I don't really think I want you to be my sponsor. I mean, I didn't ask her nothing. Oh, he says, it doesn't matter what you want. He says I'm going to be your sponsor now.

And, and he was like that. He always knew what I needed before I knew what I needed, you know, and he would just tell me things to do. And somehow I was sick enough that I would listen to this used car salesman and do what he told me to do, you know, and, and, and in a few days, I bought a car from him, you know, a diesel and, and, but he, he really had a way of about it. He made me feel like I was important, but at the same time, he made me understand that there's a whole bunch that I didn't have a clue about, you know, and he was able to kind of kind of

feed me along a little bit and get me to do things that I would not do for anybody. And and,

you know, I, I came in here and I had this bad attitude because I had the secret weapon, because I knew a little more than most of you. I mean, I looked at the steps on the wall in the traditions. I thought, yeah, for those people, they're probably going to need them. You know, they're pretty sick bunch. But I'll be all right. I'll be all right. You know, I looked at the steps on three weeks, 3 weeks, I'll be out here and, you know, and here it is 18 years later, I'm still trying to get them. But the truth of the matter is, is what happened is little by little. I I, I got sour after I got sober. I mean, sobriety to me wasn't,

you know, I found God and everything's right. He was sucked. I hated some red. I mean, it was not what I, it was not what I really wanted. And at the same time, I knew that I couldn't drink because drinking scared me to death because when I drink, anything's possible. Anything, anything is possible. I mean, I could get suicidal or homicidal and and I didn't want that either. And I was really in a trap because I didn't have sobriety and I, and I, and I and I wasn't drinking And, and there used to be no guy named Nick. And Nick used to say, you know, it'd be a shame

for us to take away booze to, from an alcoholic and not give them something better. And I kept listening to these meetings where there's something better and it never, it never clicked. And oh, I was a whiner. I would whine, I'd go up to the old times and tell them how bad she was 'cause she was treating me so badly. And she was, she really was. I mean, it was, it was killed most of you, I guess. But the trouble is, the trouble is what happened is this bunch that I was with was a bunch of vicious old timers and they wouldn't put up with this crap. And, and I remember one night

this, this, there's people in this group like

Gerald, here's Gerald was a kind of a hillbilly type of guy from Warm Springs. You know, that's the nut house in Montana. There's another guy, this guy named Nick. He was a, he was a little old guy who'd been a counselor down in Denver. And there's another guy named Rotten Ralph who is an attorney and he earned a name. I mean, he, he got the name right. And, and, and there's a bunch of these old guys around there, you know, that, that had, you know, 10/15/20 years and

they, they just wouldn't put up with much stuff. And,

you know, rotten Roth's deal was, you know, he would sit there in a meeting and he would pick on some new guy and kind of, you know, there may be a group there, but you know who he's talking to. And, and he would sit there and say these things that would just, you know, cut you to the bone. And then after he was through, he'd pull out a dollar out of a shirt pocket and say, now if I have really made you mad, maybe I ought to buy you your first drink. So if anybody wants a drink, here's a dollar. You know, this is kind of loving people I was running around with. And then there's this other guy that's Nick. And Nick says there's no need for me

remember anybody's name around here unless they've been here for six months because everybody's just coming and going. He says, I'm not even going to worry about it. And I, my God, I'm going to make him remember my name. So I walked up to there one night and I don't know if you've ever done this with an older member, but you sit there and you kind of say things in a way that you kind of get them to where they eat out of your hand, you know, where they kind of going with you a little bit. And I started telling a little Nick about this bad story of world that I had with my terrible wife that I was still married to, even though I couldn't stand her. And, and

I could see it in his eyes. He's starting to look compassion. You know,

there's about eight or nine people left in the room that night, and all of a sudden he jumps up and screams at me. He got this real nice, real little voice, you know, he says

like, you know, just people are hearing this, you know, old man badger me and I just you know,

I get up and I get out and I'm gonna go outside and to get outside, I gotta go by this refrigerator in this hallway and and Nick has beat me to it and he's over there and he's got this little three finger push right my chest, pushing me up against his refrigerator. He says, why don't you just get the hell out of here? He says, you're wasting your time, you're wasting their time and you're dangster wasting my time. Just get the hell out of here. An old Knicks is right over his corner, just right over his shoulder. Here, let me write your first thing. Let me buy you first thing

and I'll just I mean

I'm about I'm a lot of months over and I just I just

you know, I get outside. I, I push them outside and I get outside and I get in this car and my sponsor told me I turn it

's a diesel doesn't go anywhere else trying to spend spin this gravel out in the middle of the parking lot.

I get about halfway home and ah, just going crazy and I'm honking the horn. I'm beating on the dash. I gotta drive 35 miles to, to the ranch and just, and it just kind of dawned on me what, well, I am an alcoholic, what am I going to do about it? And one of the things that old Gerald would do, he, he'd sit there and he'd shake your hand, you know, he's a kind of a self appointed greeter and he'd come up and shake your hand. See how he's doing?

And I'm terrible. Hate you, hate God. Hey. And he'd say,

you know, he did that for a couple weeks. And then he says, all right, that's enough. He says, John, from now on, he says, when I meet you, when I come up to you and I shake your hand and ask you how you're doing, you're going to say why, Gerald, I'm getting better in every way every day. Thank you very much.