The LAGLC meeting in Hollywood, CA

Hi, I'm Avi, and I'm a marijuana addict every time myself, so I don't get carried away here, alright? Oh, yeah. OK, So

what it was like, what happened and what it's like now, not what it was like when I got here and then go on and on. So I have to separate myself with that because usually I love to get caught up in the past. You know, you got to stay in the moment here. And So what happened? I got here.

I got here in 2005. Before 2005, I was a heavy pot smoker. I love marijuana and I say I love not love because, I mean, I love it still. I just really doesn't work the same as it used to for me, it it works in a different, it works in a different way towards the end and

I I, I just, I loved everything about it. I love the lifestyle of the I love the pipe, I love the portability of it and I just, it all made sense to me. It just,

and, and the feeling when I first smoked weed, it was, it was adjacent to my friends home. It was like a block away maybe. And we just took out the pipe and we and he and his friend put the weed in and we smoked it and, and it, it all made sense. Things were clicking just like that. Like oh, the smell, that smell. That's how my older brother always smells like when I was young,

Like, oh, that's what that is. Oh, it's like all these little, like little childhood memories just ring a Ding, Ding, like it's all like, it's all making sense, you know? It's like, oh wow, this is cool.

Like now I know what this is and now I know why they know what it is because it's like, it felt great. I like why, why, why skimp on that, you know, like that's what it was. And so

I'm like, but it is drug. So I'm going to chill out for a SEC here and think about this. And then I, you know, I smoked it the next day too. And then and you know, I the whole munchies and all that it was, it was glorious. I was in heaven. This is what I wanted. And

like a lot of people say, I have arrived. I've arrived and this is really wonderful now.

It was wonderful for a long time. Don't get me wrong. I mean, I, I loved it so much that I would grow it. I would deal it. I wanted a constant flow of marijuana. That's what it progressed into. It wasn't that quick. It was a gradual thing for me because at first I just, you know, it was treading the waters, you know, and then, you know, I knew, I knew I loved it. But you know,

it's like it costs money and I'm in high school and I don't have that much money. So I,

I left the country because I just wasn't really comfortable in the, I never loved the town I lived in. It was really hard to live there. And I always felt different than everyone. It was very uncomfortable for me because, I don't know, I felt like, like a Jewish nomad in this, like diaspora, whatever you want to call it. And it was just like really interesting because like, because, like, you know,

being in that situation, I didn't feel like I could be friends with a lot of people because they go to all their church groups and all this like, I'm not going to church like. And so it's like, it was just like, it felt, it felt like there was a separation for a long time there. And so this kind of bridge the gap for me. And I felt like I could be comfortable with, with everyone. Like like weed was that like, like the elastic bond that like just kind of kept us together. And it was, it made sense to me

to do that. And I felt a lot more comfortable after that. I actually started embracing the town I lived in. And that was that was a big deal for me back then because I was very uncomfortable my whole life living in this town. And Santa Clarita, by the way, honeymoon.

So you know, I, I was still uncomfortable though, when I started getting high, I wasn't getting high enough, I guess I don't know. And so I left Israel and I discovered Toshish there and that was this was an 11th grade and I, I was just like, this is great. I love hashish and so

I came back and I'm like, I come back to marijuana and I'm like, this is not what I what I want anymore. And so I, you know, I just couldn't always get her. She so I just smoked more marijuana because then it felt like that way. And so it was just like getting this effect.

Jim once referred to it as, you know,

you're always trying to get to normal, like 0, like 0 percent. First time I did, I was at 100. You know, I'm talking about Jimmy. Yeah, Yeah, you said it, of course, you know, And so

and like after a while just getting totally blasted, I would just try to get to normal. I would because it just felt normal to be high. When that becomes normal, being not high was like something not desirable anymore. I did not want that because if I had that, it would be like, this is very bland and uncomfortable. And I'm and, you know, I lived in a house that was very loud, a lot of yelling. And so

the marijuana helped

turn the volume down on that, too. And I didn't smoke when that would happen. I just smoked so I wouldn't react to how that happened. And I didn't do that like, you know, consciously, but that it worked, you know, and muting my emotions was a big deal for me. Like I didn't consciously do that at all. But

the effect to me was I'm getting high and I feel good and I feel good because I'm not feeling anything. And that was really what it felt like. I felt like I was only feeling when I wanted to succeed,

and I did that for a while and I didn't realize that that might have affected me on me for a while. So I got the whole medical marijuana thing eventually and it progressed to that and I was getting super blasted all the time. And eventually

I just got so high one time that not one time like over a course of time that I started getting paranoid a little bit and I didn't really realize that it was that was gradual too. This is all very gradual it felt like to me. And the paranoia just grew and the progressed to the point where it's like,

I thought people were after me because I was high all the time. So I was paranoid more and more and more And like this is just how it was. I was smoking very high quality weed. I, I suppose, and it was, and it just kind of my imagination took over reality and I went nuts, guys. I went nutso and I, and in short, I went to the, I was hospitalized, I mean, into the new people. This doesn't happen to all of us. This happened. This happened to me. It's my story, you know, like, and so I was that that's where it took me.

And that's why a young fellow like me is here at the right phase of 23 because I had

AI, had a very low bottom at a very young age. Fortunately for me, and I'm very grateful for that because

this program, which I'll get into in just a minute here is very is very eye opening.

So I got into this hospital and I

and I was pretty hopeless.

You know, I remember one of the most terrible feelings. I was talking about the emotions, muting them. I muted them for so long that when I started feeling very bad now that I didn't have my weed, I was in the hospital on the ground crawling,

trying to cry. But I couldn't cry because no tears would come out my eyes. But I felt that and that was the biggest pain I've ever felt in my life, trying to be sad and you can't feel sad. It's very scary feeling and

I didn't know how to feel when I got here. It was very disturbing. I didn't know a lot of things. I was a blank slate and I was very empty. That's what the term is. I was empty inside and

so I got out of this hospital. They gave me an MA meeting list and I didn't really care much for that. I didn't know what that was. They actually passed me a big book in the hospital and I like opened it up, flipped through the pages and then just put it back down. And I'm like,

as a big book, I was like, it was really big. And I was like,

and so I and we're talking about alcohol and this I'm like, I don't really know much about that. And you know, because I didn't really think alcohol was a problem. And so anyways, I get out of the hospital, they put me on some anti site, so some antidepressants and some psych meds and I'm like, OK, I'm going to be fine now. You know, I'm going to get back to health and then I can go about my normal life. You know, like there's paranoia will be gone and you know, eventually you'll smoke again. That was like the idea, you know, I didn't

know about any 12 steps. I didn't know anything about addiction, anything about that because I thought the addict was not a person like a like like me or anything like this. I just, I thought the attic was a very different person in my head and

I, I was at home and I started getting paranoid again after a month and I'm taking these meds and I'm like confused what's going on here? And I was very hopeless now, because if these meds aren't working, I am, I'm very screwed, you know, like this is this is this is going to be bad.

And there was, I was running out of options here, you know, guys, because if the doctors can't do anything, then what am I going to do? So I, I was looking through the old because it was a very blurry time in the hospital. So I was looking through all this literature they gave me and like this and gratitude list and all these things. And I found the meeting list at MA and my meeting of Marijuana Anonymous in Van Nuys,

and that's where I met all of you folks. You're all very welcoming. That made me uncomfortable.

I, I was very uncomfortable just when I walked in the room because

mind you, I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to interact with people right now because weed was my social lubricant. So it was like, I don't really know what's going on here. I'm just here and so I sat down and I was just here and I just kind of looked down at the ground and listened. Now let's jump forward here a little bit. I

I got a sponsor,

people were handing out numbers. I got a sponsor and he has helped me out tremendously, even though he doesn't think so. He says. I don't know what I mean. It's really funny. I think that's called humility. But anyhow,

but how are you? It helps me out tremendously today and it's it's an incredible feeling. How does this whole what is the sponsor thing? A sponsor, someone that takes you through the 12 steps sponsors. That is their sole purpose. Anything residual is great. You know, there's benefits, you know, but like it's, it's wonderful. I mean, there's a,

when you get a sponsor, you know, don't be like I am hiring a friend. No, you're hiring someone to take you through the 12 steps there. And I remember my sponsor would say to me, I'm your sponsor first and I'm then I'm your friend. Because if you're a friend, if you ask your best friend to be your sponsor, it's very confusing. Sometimes it can be confusing. I'm not saying it won't work, but it can be confusing. That's that's why I sponsor my best. But that case,

I wouldn't want it either. But anyhow, like it was because, you know, it's like it's very personal,

very personal thing. When you're going through something very personal, you can't it's easier to go through someone that you would think that you don't met before, I guess, until you got here, someone that has experience with this thing. And so, you know, I was insane and my sponsor helped pull me out of the ship. Oh, there I go cursing. So he, he helped put me out of this shit and it was very,

it was very hard for me. I, I started feeling again. I started feeling anger, anger. I,

God, I, I, I, I'm not going to go into that. I, I, I beat up this guy and I started crying afterwards. I felt terrible that I beat up this person because I was angry

because he punched me out of nowhere. And it was like very strange. It was at a gas station. Anyways, I was 90 days clean. And so anyhow, then this whole alcohol thing came up as I started the steps like, because, you know, being Jewish and all, we drink wine every Friday night and I was never as one to drink like gallons of Manischewitz because I find it personally, I find it disgusting. I don't know many people that would do that, but you know, there's, there's always a few, you know, and, and those people that do, you know, this is the right place. And so,

you know, like it's, you know, it's like, but I wasn't sure, you know, if I was, you know, I don't know if I have drinking problem, you know, and, and the, and my sponsor said if you don't have a drinking problem, that won't be a problem to stop drinking. And I'm like, but I don't have a problem. And he said to me, yeah, I'm like, oh, I see what's going on here. OK, OK, so, so I, you know, I just was like, OK, even a little sip of Manischewitz. OK, I can let that go. It's not like I'm like dying to drink any Manish evidence. I mean,

like, it's terrible. Why anyways? But anyhow,

I so you know, my all free of all mind altering substances for the most part, you know, I was smoking cigarettes like crazy. But anyhow, today, what's going on today? I don't want to get too into what it was like at the beginning. So today there's been a lot of changes. I've I went through these steps that I was talking about the, the 12 steps with my sponsor and admitting that I was powerless, that that was very clear to me when I got here. That was not a challenge for me.

Anything that was passed over, marijuana and all mind altering substances, I'm like dying to drink any Manish evidence. I mean, it was just like terrible wine anyways. But anyhow,

I so you know, my all free of all mind altering substances for the most part, you know, I was smoking cigarettes like crazy. But anyhow, today what's going on today? I don't want to get too into what it was like at the beginning. So today there's been a lot of changes. I've,

I went through these steps that I was talking about, the 12 steps with my sponsor and admitting that I was powerless, that that was very clear to me when I got here. That was not a challenge for me. That was really what step two was about. I had to be open minded to the fact that there's something greater than me, whatever the case may be, that's helping me feel a little more comfortable or whatever the case is for me, it was more comfortable. And

so, OK, that was fine with me because I wanted to be restored to sanity. I like that idea in the step where it says restored to sanity, I'm like, 'cause I was just insane. So and I'm still in. I feel insane. So

this is good. OK, I'll stick around. So I remain open minded. People say stay open minded, remain teachable. And so OK, I'm I'm a student, I'm willing to learn. You know, I've been a student before and

so I listened to my sponsor and what he said. I followed all his suggestions, even the ones that I didn't want to because

he has experience and they say he because my sponsor is a male but like a no, no, no, but

but it works. It works better that way. I mean, but for me, and because I don't know, I mean I can relate. And

not because I'm not a female, it's OK. But Step 3I

I, I was willing to do this program. That's what step three is. When I first got here, I was willing to do this program, just willing to go through with this action because after step three, you know you're making decisions in the first three steps here, you know, you're coming to some awareness. You're not really doing

work as much, Yes, you know, it's not too intense yet, but they're very important steps for this foundation. And so three is like you're willing to go through 44 to 4:00 to 11:00 here, you know, and 12:00 will happen as a result. And 12 did happen as a result, the spiritual awakening, they call it. And that was very elusive to me, like I had, it was very mysterious what a spiritual awakening is. And the step 12, you know, I understood about carrying the message

of what I've received and because like, like for my first like six months, I would be driven around everywhere because I couldn't drive. I was out of my mind and

and my sponsor would drive me to this meeting for my first year because I just was like too, I just couldn't handle driving. I couldn't handle a lot of things in my first year. And if you can have the wrapping, that's awesome. Like, but like, you know, he did this for me though. The point is he did this for me

freely, you know, he didn't ask anything in return. And that's what this is about, you know, like no one is going to be receiving payment for this. So people that are new, this is an awesome deal here perceived. And because like, like for my first like six months, I would be driven around or, you know, I could really just put it down and there's no stressing over it. I just put down the name, the institution, whatever it is that bothered me and my sponsor would cross off some of them. Like I'll be, I don't think the zoo is something that

me, I don't know, but like, and so I was like, OK, because I was still, you know, a little crazy. And so like I, you know, I just tried to put down anything. But you know, that's what the sponsors there for, you know, because, you know, like they go over it with you in the 5th step, you know, and, and in the 6th I, I just had that, that one I had to sit in for just a little bit because I needed to find out, Am I willing to let go of all these things that are blocking me?

And I became willing in step seven. That's, that's, that's gradually, you know, like that, that keeps happening. You know, like, like where I let these character defects be shortcomings, I let them go. Like, and I, and it's between me and what I, my higher power now, like what I choose to call God. I had, it took me a while to say that, but this over this summer, I had a very interesting spiritual experience. I usually go to Israel every almost every summer, not every single time of my life, but almost every summer I would go

and I never had any spiritual experience. I've been to all the holy sites, all this stuff and all that, but it was never like and nothing involved God for me for some reason, because it was just like whatever it was in history for me. And then I went this summer and something happened. I had a spiritual experience and ever since then,

these steps have taken on a new death. So

I'm not saying that when you get here, you'll be able to, It's not always a sudden thing, you know, And it was gradual for me. It's different for everybody. It's just, you know, we're all different people. So it works different ways. But for me, that spiritual experience, and I say it very, it's a very vague, vague word like or phrase. It's because it's hard to define. And I, and if I try to define it,

it just wouldn't work for me. But

it opened up the door like I was, I was feeling like this is me and there's a wall and there's my potential beyond the wall. And I couldn't reach that potential unless I remained open minded. And being open minded in this program and being teachable, I was able to have this spiritual experience I had and very psychedelic. I guess because like

this, this program, my sponsors of the time release the feeling that goes on here. It's a different kind of high that I've never experienced in my life.

And

it keeps growing and it's a beautiful thing because if I'm in pain in my life these days, I'm able to

I'm able to not live in the pain. I'm able to look at the pain and maybe grow from the pain, which is an amazing concept. Like this morning. This is very small. This isn't painted. All this has nothing to do with pain contract contrary action. I, I walk outside, I'm about to go into my car to drive to the meeting and I see the trash cans out still. And this is like,

they were supposed to be put in yesterday. And I walked by them. I opened the car door and I look at them, you know, and it's like, I'm not playing anything else like it. And so then like, I'm like, no, let's go put them in. You know, it's like small things. You know, this isn't like a program of like, extravagant changes. They're not going to happen extravagantly all at once. I mean, unless you're Bill W, but you know, like, I replaced like my pipe

and my lighter with like, a pen and a little book. This one's red. This isn't painted. All this has nothing to do with painting

contract contrary action. I I walk outside, I'm about to go into my car to drive to the meeting and I see the trash cans out still work. But what what I can do it doesn't it doesn't work, but what I can do with it is I I, I have it with me all the time. Since I'm doing these 12 steps, I feel it's only proper to have this book with me. If I'm at school, it's in my backpack. If I'm going to a meeting, it's with me because we're always talking about it. And this isn't like a book, like a novel. You're not going to have to go like all out crazy with it. But what it is, is

it's a new design for living, I suppose. I mean, that's really what this is. And

and it's a manual like it's like, if you're looking for some like solid, like understanding of this program, don't try to get it from just the meetings or just listening to people's experience. It's in it's in these books, it's in the it's in this life with hope book. This is an amazing book that this is what I first cracked open when I got here and it was talking about it. And this isn't like a book, like a novel. You're not going to have to go like all out crazy with it. But what it is, is

it's a new design for living. Suppose.

I mean, that's really what this is. And,

and it's a manual, like it's like if you're looking for some like solid, like understand, I feel like I can

be more aware than

the people my age, the people 20 years older than me. And it's like, it's an amazing opportunity. I can get past my shit, my personal shit, to reach my full potential,

and I have all of you guys to help me out with that. Through your experience, through telling me, Avi, what you're doing right now is bullshit, or through just showing me, through your experience, how I can grow?

And

that is what I'm experiencing today. And it becomes clearer and clearer to me the more I do this thing.

I really would like to say before I end. Congratulations

on six months. Very big deal. And it's just one of those milestones, you know, and, and there's going to be many more and everyone's a miracle in here. You know, when you got six months, a great feeling When I got 90 days, I remember that was like huge when I got showing me through your experience how I can grow.

And

that is what I'm experiencing since is because I'm doing them constantly first for like like four or five years heavily. And it was just

it was blows my mind and congratulations, Roland on 8 years like at the work of memory, you know, but you know, the memory doesn't all come back, you know, but that's a that's a great deal too. I mean, I aspire to that. I mean, I'm not I'm halfway there. Let's let's, I'm just, you know, I,

I can't like when I see the experience in these rooms, like eight years or, or, or just even one year, Like I can learn from the people before me. I can learn from your experience because it's a reminder for me. And I can also learn from the people with more time because they have that much more time and they have that much more experience. And it's like they've been through that much more, that many more things. So it's humbling and it's and it's just a beautiful,

like a tapping into knowledge.

It's just a beautiful thing. And I guess that's all the time I have, but

this room has helped me out a lot. And I'm I'm really grateful for Marijuana Anonymous. And if you're new to this thing,

it's it's, it's just a beautiful, beautiful. You're very lucky to be here.

I know I'm very lucky.

You might not feel it at the very second,

but try to trust me, remain open minded, remain teachable and I love you guys. Thanks.