The Northern Plains Group 7th Annual Celebration in Fargo, ND

Hi everyone, my name is Nancy Morris and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi and through I'll do it your way through God, Alcoholics Anonymous and sponsorship. I've been sober since May 23rd, 1971.

Is that OK like that? All right. And I

hi, Cher, I would, I want to commend you all on the great job you do and the

the effort that you put in to your anniversary meeting in the enthusiasm that you have. I think it's fantastic. Putting on something like this is not easy and I think you're just fabulous. And I thank you so much for inviting me here tonight. And I want to congratulate Paul M on five years of sobriety today.

Where's Paul?

There's Paul right there. Stand up.

So Paula is very special to me because he's a sober alcoholic and that's really why. But we have kind of a special bond, I believe. And he helped me and he certainly didn't know he was helping me. But I met him. I don't even know if we met five years ago. I don't think we had a, you know, met face to face, but

I did speak here five years ago and I shared my experience, strength and hope. And that was in May, five years ago. And three months later, I think it was in July, I was home in my tiny little apartment in Minneapolis and it was about two in the morning. And I was really feeling what sorry for myself or whatever. I was having one of those moments that we sometimes have at 2:00 in the morning when

there aren't very many distractions and, and my mind started thinking about

how old I'm getting now and what I could have done with my life if only and I what I didn't do and all the opportunities that I missed. And really, you know, it was really getting out of hand. I was feeling very sad and very down and

and I actually said out loud, I said, God help me and

and I went back on my computer. I'd been on my computer and I went back on and there was an e-mail on there from this person that I had never met. And it was Paul MI have the e-mail. I saved it. It's very meaningful to me. And he in in this e-mail, he told me a story and he told me that he had been at this meeting five years ago. And I believe he said he was checked into a mental hospital the next day or planned to go there or

kill himself or do something bad. And you know, he was, he was despondent. And I don't know if he knew that he was an alcoholic. I think he was, he was here for following somebody or whatever. But he was here. And, you know, he, he identified with me and that's what he told me in the e-mail. And he told me that he hadn't had a drink since that day. And now it's five years later. And, you know, God answered my prayer that night

because I get off track sometimes. I've done Alcoholics Anonymous since I got sober almost 35 years ago. I've done Alcoholics Anonymous and it has served me very well, you know, and I just have those moments every now and then at 2:00 and 3:00 in the morning. And, and, you know, like I was describing before, but as long as I stay here and keep working with other Alcoholics, I just think that we're absolutely blessed because

what we give to each other is fulfilling and rewarding. And it makes me feel warm and good,

you know, most of the time. And I do, I feel so fortunate to still be here today and to still be active and involved. And gosh, we met over 30 years ago, didn't we? Sharon just celebrated 30 years. That was you were 30 right under. And we've known each other all that time. And so we've, we watched each other go through a lot. And, you know, I can look back to

in first of all, I just, you know, Theresa, that thank you for the nice introduction and the women I sponsor here, young women and

just beautiful and they bless me so much too. I feel so privileged that they're in my life. And Sue came over from Jamestown and and I sponsor her and I never thought I'd sponsor anybody. I came in here my first night and I threw up on people and, you know, and I, I mean, I never, I, it's, I couldn't even imagine going from there, you know,

to where my life is today. And it's not like I thought it would be along the way, you know, I wanted to see my name up in lights and

be famous for something or have major accomplishments. And, you know, along the way I've done different things and umm, and I realized, you know, there's there's no end for us or for me anyway, when I'm doing something or, you know, all I ever want is more. So, you know, I tried to, I've, because I've been sober and because, you know, we work the steps and we work with each other and, and we do what we're asked to do here.

You know, we get this confidence inside that I never had it in my life. And I've been able to do a lot of things in my sobriety and try different things. And, but anyway, I, I did grow up in a family of my family happens to be pretty alcoholic. And it's not necessarily the case with everybody. And I have five brothers and a sister who are all Alcoholics. And my father died of alcoholism. My mother is still living

and my mother Billy is our professional martyr in our family. And she took care of everybody. She tried an Al Anon meeting one time and I think she found out that in Al Anon they work on themselves and they don't get to just talk about us and how bad it is. So she never went back and she's a nice lady and I love her today. And I, it took me a long time here before I could say that I loved my mother, but

God kept her around long enough that I could say that, you know, to myself and say it to her. I But anyway, we after my father died of alcoholism when I was about six months sober and I had truly been blessed because I had come in here and I fell in love with this. And I got to take my father to some a in meetings and to buy him a big book. And my father got to sit down and

some of his secrets and things that he was never going to tell anybody in his life. And he got to tell me because we had this bond, you know, of sobriety. He had a short sobriety before he died.

And as soon as he died, my mother really I think was driving down the street and she and a drunk man was riding his bike and he fell over and she stopped and got and hooked up with this guy for a while. After all the complaining she ever did about my father and his drinking. But you know, I just grew to. I accepted that about her after a while. That was her nature. I wasn't going to change her. She stayed with that guy and tried to get him better and she

alcohol down the drain and this and that and he finally got sober Alcoholics Anonymous. And so she had to move on to somebody else. But you know, we're all doing pretty good and

my five brothers don't drink anymore. And my sister has just, she has five years of sobriety. And

I mean, that's, I'm just going to briefly touch on that now. I couldn't get anybody in my family sober when I tried very hard. I absolutely fell in love with Alcoholics Anonymous when I was new

and I wanted to go to everybody and get them sober. When I was new, I got sober in California. I met a man at the meeting who was having a hard time. I brought him home and I had a husband and three kids at home. I brought this man to live with us. If you can live with us and go to meetings with me, I know he's going to be OK. But it wasn't the case. And I tried to give it to everybody in my family. I didn't really know that my sister had a drinking problem. We didn't live in the same state. We weren't around each other, but

a little over five years ago, her her boyfriend sent me an e-mail and said Kathleen can't quit drinking. She won't leave the house. I don't know what to do with her. And I was pretty shocked. And prior to that, my sister used to call me up all the time and tell me her life problems and the insecurities and the fears that she had just like I had. And I would, I wouldn't say I said, Kathleen, I know what you can do. You can go out and drink and take drugs, do whatever, get in a lot of trouble and then you can come to Alcoholic

anonymous in your life will be good. And, but of course that didn't happen. And, and we didn't really talk a whole lot. But I, you know, I, I tried calling my sister and she didn't want to talk to me. She wasn't ready to quit. And, and I prayed about it because I've learned now that just sometimes I just have to sit still and pray and ask God for guidance about what to do. I mean, I wanted to run out there and save her, but I waited a little while and then I wrote her a letter like one alcoholic talking to another alcoholic, hard,

hard like we do. And, and I, I work for an airline and I live in Minnesota. She was in California and I put an airline ticket in there. And I said, if you can come here,

you know, I know that you can find, you can quit drinking. And, and I overnighted this letter to her. And practically the minute she got it, she called me and she was just sobbing. And I was so happy to hear her sobbing on the other end of the phone. And I knew that you know our language of the heart. You know, we had connected. So

a few weeks later, I made arrangements to go out to California. But I made her

go from where she was living and get on a train and then a bus to come where I was. I knew that I just couldn't go there and just and, you know, and do it for her. And when I saw her get off the bus that day, I knew my sister was going to stay sober because she did something on her own. You know, I said, I've tried to carry people. I've had people come live with me. I read them the big book. I played them tapes and they're fine as long as I'm doing that. But, you know, we, we have to participate in our sobriety. So

my sister's been sober, you know, since that time. I guess it's going to be six years, actually this month. But

about a week after we had, you know, met in in Los Angeles and spent three days together. I sent her back where she lived. And she called me up and she said, I know that you already know this, but I can't tell you how good it feels for me to be in a room full of people that I know, that they know how I feel. And my sister had been in therapy for probably 15 years

talking about wanting to get married and hating the job she had. And 15 years later, she still wanted to get married and she still hated the job that she had. Now, I've been an alcoholic anonymous and was probably on my third marriage by that time. And I had plenty of jobs because here, you know, we just once you once you feel that inside. I'm kidding. I mean, I have been married three times, but I'm kidding about, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm not really meaning to make light of it.

It's just the way that it was. But you know, I know once I caught this thing and started getting that feeling inside and realizing how much fear I had had my whole life, you know, whether I drank alcohol or not, I was filled with fear. And that's what my life was based on before I got here. And I couldn't do anything, and I wouldn't do anything because I was afraid of everything,

you know, of what you thought of me and of failing and of looking stupid and all those things. And what if I can't do it? I'm not going to try. So I didn't try a lot of things. But I didn't even know all of this before I got here. I just lived my little life, you know,

whatever I had to do to get by. I took out a couple of my high school annuals the other day because I was trying to look somebody up. So I looked for where my picture was and there are no pictures of me. I mean, they were there, but there's there ripped out or they're, I had ink through them because I, I, I've always hated myself my whole life. I hated myself. I didn't really know that I acted.

You know, I think we just developed

defense mechanisms along the way, you know, and I didn't really know that I hated myself. I acted like I hated everybody else. And having five brothers, I would just fight and physically fight with people and swear and act bad and and like all of us, like every one of us in this room, I did everything in my life to get attention. And it didn't matter if it was praise, if it was good attention or if it was bad attention, it made no matter. So I just,

I barely made it through high school because I did goofy things and people laughed at me and I got in trouble and I didn't care because people were paying attention to me. I got pregnant when I was 15 years old. And this is a long time ago. So it's not, you know, it was not accepted. It was very bad at the time. And I was in Catholic school. I didn't have a boyfriend. I never went on a date. So it was kind of mysterious,

like the, you know, like the Immaculate Conception. We say

The thing is it happened in a stable. So

it truly did so,

but you know, there I was just this, this little 15 year old girl who just, you know, would you love me, care about me? I don't know why I felt so unloved or, or that nobody cared about me, but that's how I felt. And and, and I guess that I thought sex was love or whatever you wanted from me, you know, just so you paid attention to me. So, you know, it is kind of interesting always for me to look back on myself at that time

and that little 15 year old girl and the man that was involved because he was an absolute bum transient guy who lived up at this stable in this little shack. And but he paid attention to me. So what difference did it make? And I just look back on that like you know, how my life could have been had I not found Alcoholics Anonymous somewhere along the way. I always drink. It just seems like I always drink,

umm, in my family, though, it's kind of hard to get your hands on it all the time because everybody was drinking. And I know one time I went to the kitchen and I snuck in there and I was probably 13 or 14 years old, and I wanted this big bottle of vodka that was up in the cupboard and nobody was around. And I got it and I took the top off and I drank out of the bottle and it was pure water.

And one of my brothers had gotten to it before I did.

And my father had a, he always bought a keg of beer on the weekend and we put it in the garage in this refrigerator. And I had big mayonnaise jars that I saved up all week long. And I get down there when nobody was there and I'd fill up all my jars with beer and put them in my closet. I, I didn't have a reason why I took a drink at that time. I just drank. It just seems like I, I mean, it was the natural thing for me to do, I suppose because I'm an alcoholic.

So

I, I got pregnant, I was in Catholic school. They didn't, they didn't want me to stay there. They didn't make maternity uniforms back then. They probably do now. But my parents were, they were very ashamed of this. And they, and they sent me a way to live with a family and take care of these people's kids and, and, and, you know, have this baby and give it up for adoption. It was just, you know, it was just so I felt like a little child myself

and I had to go live with these people and do their work and, and all that. And I just felt so lonely. And I was calling my friends and telling them, I mean, my parents were pretending I was living in the in another state because they were ashamed and embarrassed. And I was calling my friends and telling them how big I was getting this and that. But anyway, it's not a good start for a person, you know, And

but I, I went back and I barely managed to finish high school and I because, because I didn't care about studying, I cared about you paying attention to me and I'm making you laugh and doing crazy things. And so I was always getting in trouble.

The night of my graduation, I got very drunk. I wasn't allowed to graduate with the class because I had been in trouble. And I sat behind a gas station and drank out of a bottle and drove home and threw up all over myself and the car and my mother's car. And I remember driving at home and opening up both front doors and getting a hose and squirting it out. And, and you know, it just seems like I went on until I got here. It was like that. But the but the circumstances were different. I tried so hard to

with my life and do I was trying to hide my drinking, actually hide the fact that I had a problem and I was just trying to carry on with my life. And now I'm supposed to get married and a man asked me to marry him. So we got married and he's a very nice man. I had no reason to get married to him. And

and while I was we had three children and and it was then, you know, trying to live this life in this neighborhood, being a wife and a mother and A and a neighbor, you know, my drinking just progressively got worse and worse. And I was in this nice house, which we couldn't afford and we didn't pay our bills. And I was supposed to pay the bills, but I kept them in a big brown paper bag in the closet. And I didn't like answering the phone and,

and I, you know, just drank whatever I could get my hands on trying to take care of these kids. I would climb over the back fences and go into my neighbors houses and take what I could out of their houses, pills, alcohol, money, whatever. And then I talked with them on the street like we like I was their normal neighbor. And, and I feel really bad about the way that I was, but I didn't know what I was going to do about it and I didn't know what was wrong with me. So,

umm, you know, driving here today, I drove in from Minneapolis and my youngest son Joel lives near Saint Cloud. So I stopped and met him for lunch with his his new son Byron from Guatemala. And, but anyway, it was really nice having lunch with him today. And Joe was one year old when I got sober.

And I didn't. He's adopted and I didn't want to go get him when I got the phone call because I already knew that I couldn't quit drinking. There wasn't a doubt in my mind

and could not quit drinking. I was locking the other boys in the bedroom because I didn't want to go outside and find them. I had alcohol in my breath. I didn't want anybody to smell it. I had no hope that anything was ever going to be any different. But I didn't want to tell them. I didn't want to go get Joe because then what's going to happen? They're going to get to take the other ones away. I'll just struggle along a little. I'll just do whatever. I mean, I just

tried to, it was

I was just faking it all the time and hiding inside my house and drawing the drapes and peeking out at my neighbors and, but then trying to act normal, you know, trying to make them think I was OK. My husband Joe would mark the bottles that we had in the house, the alcohol and, and I'd have to drink out of those bottles eventually because I didn't have anything else. And I knew he marked them. So I made new marks. I turned them upside down and turned them sideways so he could never find his mark. And

sometimes he'd look at them and he'd look at me and I would just sit there and I just thought, I'm not, I'm not giving up yet. I mean, I'm not really caught. So one, one time I drank all, all of our vodka and I put water in the bottle and we had unexpected company come over and he made them water and tonic and they drank it. And I was terrified that night. I remember just sitting there just terrified that they were all going to put their drinks down, point at me and take and take me away.

And I just kept picturing myself in the basement of a mental hospital. That's where I was going to go. I, I did put my boys in the car one time and I drove over. I was living in Ventura County, California. There's a state mental hospital there, Camarillo. And I put my boys in the car one night and I drove over there and I sat at the end of the driveway and I wanted somebody to stop and say, why are you sitting here? And I would then say, because I need help. I didn't know who to go to or how to

for help or what was wrong with me, but I thought maybe somebody there would help me. One night I put the boys in the car and I drove to a a retreat house where I thought the priest live lived. And I knocked on the door and I was going to ask a priest to help me and it was a caretaker. And he said nobody was there. And, and, you know, it was just getting harder and harder and harder. And

the day came. I just we had people over to watch the Super Bowl.

This was in January and I did drink once after that, so my sporadies in May, but we had people to watch the Super Bowl. I made drinks at the punch bowl all day long. I never left it. I just kept drinking. And when the last man left that left our house that night about 6:00, I walked out the door and got in the car with him and he drove away and I was just goofing off again. And, and he took me somewhere else and we drank. And then I called my husband a couple hours later and I asked him to come get me.

And he was really mad at me. And he came and got me, got a neighbor to watch the kids and he came and got me. And he for the very first time, he started talking to me and saying you would not do the things that you do, you wouldn't act the way that you acted if you didn't drink so much. And I couldn't help it. I tried really hard not to drink. I had been hospitalized before that for different things. And,

and, and I would think, see, I've been in the hospital for five days and I haven't had a drink and I'm OK and I try so hard every day. I say, please, God help me not to take a dream. And then I would find a reason why I could just have that one drink. So this day when Joe said that to me, I knew that I couldn't quit drinking. So we went in the house,

I picked up the phone and called this old boyfriend of mine that I had in high school. And, and this was years later, but when I have a boyfriend, somebody I really like, I think about them a lot. So they're alive in my mind. So I feel I can just call somebody after 10 years and say hi, it's me and they're going to know who it is.

But I called this guy and I asked him to come pick me up. We only had one car and I didn't want to take the car. I wanted to leave Joe and the boys. And I knew I was a bad wife and a bad mother. And so my husband came in the room and he said, I don't care where you go, but you can't run away from it. And you know, it's so close when I look back because I did want it. I was just going to leave them. But he said that to me and I believe

it was some kind of divine intervention, although I don't believe that. I believe this gift of sobriety is offered to everyone. It's not like we're chosen above other people. But it was my moment and the and something happened to me that made me call my brother-in-law who was a Catholic priest and he lived in Pennsylvania. I was living in California. And I was just going to ask him to pray for me. So

it seems now that I took the first step, he answered the phone, which was very unusual.

And I was finally able to tell somebody for the very first time in my life that I could not quit dreaming. I said those words. I can't quit drinking. And he told me to go to an AA meeting. He had been just to see what it was like. So you can help people. And, and so we we did make it to a meeting that night. The meetings out there started. A lot of them started at 8:30 and they were over at 10:00. And Joe had this opportunity and he wasn't going to miss this opportunity. And he got the neighbor to watch the boys.

And I, I had been drinking all day quite a lot and, and I was very bloated. I was very happy. I was bored in my house, locked in the house, drinking with the boys. My hair was longer, it was dyed. It was bad. I didn't know how to dye my hair. And I would just pour bleach on it, I guess. And I you could just crunch my hair at that time and it would fall out. And I was really very heavy. My face was red,

purple. It really, truly was. Most of the time I had broken blood vessels in my eyes that I just got sick a lot. But I put on this bright orange polyester pantsuit that was in my closet. I don't know. And it was probably something I shoplifted, which I was doing and I don't know why because most of the stuff I took, it was ugly, but it was just something I did. And

this thing was so tight on me because I was so heavy and bloated. And so it zipped up the back. Now it's strangling me so my face is brighter. And

we got to the meeting and it was almost over. We didn't know that, but we finally found this a, a meeting. And we walked in the door and there were probably 30 people there sitting in folding chairs. And there were two seats on the on the aisle. And we sat down. And the minute the meeting was over, 30 people came over to me. And I found out later they had not had a newcomer in a long time. And if you're new here tonight, we, we do love you so much,

need you so much, and we're glad that you're here. And they, all 30 people came to me and they started offering me, I saw literature and a piece of cake and a cup of coffee and phone numbers. And that's when I started throwing up on them. And, and once I start, I don't stop. And I ran outside and all 30 people, I swear came outside. They just like a herd of people the whole meeting came outside and I was in the parking lot throwing up and they were all around me

in a big circle and they were, a man said. We Alcoholics are such lucky people, were chosen by God

and I and I was throwing up in the middle of the circle like I did not believe that that night. I can guarantee you that I thought my life was over.

But anyway, I, I,

that was my very first meeting. The next day, these ladies came over to my house, 3 ladies who were much, much older than I was. They were very old and they were in their 50s. And they came over and they sat in my living room and they talked to me. And, you know, I did feel closer to those ladies that day than I had felt to anybody in my life. And that's what I was talking about before. It's just the language of the heart that we speak that that Paul heard, you know, just he heard.

Speaker And I'm sure he just, you know, and he's been sober since that time because he he heard this. We have this connection. And and and they just sat and talked to me in my living room. And I just, you know, a weight was lifted from me. It truly was. And I went to a meeting with them that night. And then when it came time. Are you a newcomer? I just remember I just felt so bad and putting my hand up and and putting my head down. I was, I felt ashamed and I didn't get it yet,

but that was my beginning and that was in January. And I did OK during that time. But I found for some reason I had to drink one last half gallon of Spinata wine. And it, it actually started with a couple of pills that I took from my mother's house. And my mind said that I could take some pills if I wanted to because this was Alcoholics Anonymous. I really, I did not get a sponsor right away. And I, and I believe I didn't get a sponsor because

I was so afraid to walk up to somebody and ask if they'd be my sponsor. It was just, it was hard. I don't like all of us. I don't like hearing the word no. Most really my whole life I didn't think people wanted me around. I kind of feel like I'd be walking up to a group of people and that's when they kind of turn and see me and, you know, go off in different directions. And so it was kind of hard to walk up to somebody and ask them to

my sponsor. But again, if you're new, we want you to do that and we love you and we want to help you. So if you don't have a sponsor and you're here tonight, please don't leave here without a sponsor. So I didn't really have anybody to talk to during that time. And we need people to talk to. We do. We just need someone to check in with. I have a sponsor and I've had a sponsor for a long time. I have a Home group.

Not a whole lot has changed as far as what what I learned to do in the beginning and what I do now.

Not a whole lot has changed. And I go to a lot of meetings and I sponsor people and I'm sponsored and I have a Home group and I show up and, but I, so I had 1/2 gallon of Spinata wine and actually when I, when I first came in here, I can't see this. Anyway, I don't know why I'm pretending

you have one voicemail. Lynette

7:30.

What it did I throw? No, I don't know.

Anyway.

Oh, yeah,

You know what? I thought I was really bad when I got here. And I had these things and these secrets and these things I was ashamed of, and I was never going to tell anybody. And then I came here for those months and I heard you getting up, telling your stories. And they'd be horrible stories and people would laugh at them and and then I'd sit there and I think, see, I'm nothing again. I thought I was real bad but I'm not that bad

so I always wanted to be the best or the worst or something. I don't want to be in the middle.

So when I drink that wine that night, I really actually wanted to get arrested. And and then I could come back and say I had gotten arrested. That was how exciting it was. And there was always drama going on in my life. It didn't matter what it involved. There was always drama going on. But I so I drank this wine and I had this great big green bottle and I was driving on the Ventura Freeway and I threw it out the window

and I thought, certainly I'm going to get arrested for that.

And nobody saw me, nobody cared. So I went home and one more time threw up and went to sleep in it. And hopefully that's been my last drink and my sobriety has been an absolute adventure and so exciting and what a journey it's been.

We have each other and we're going to be OK. If we don't take a drink, we're going to be OK. I believe you know I I quit drinking alcohol, which

was just the beginning for me. I had no idea what was in store for me.

We have the steps which help us to learn what we need to learn here. When I first came in and I saw that step four and what I was supposed to do, I used to sit there and I'd say I can never do that. I can never tell anybody this or this or this or this. But of course, the time came when I was able to do that. I don't have any secrets anymore.

I have a lot, just complete freedom inside.

And and it is, it is rocky sometimes it's a rocky road that we're on here. We're we're babies. I was anyway, I had never matured. I had no emotional maturity. So everything that happened to me was big, major, traumatic.

Joe and I stayed married for a couple of years. The first sponsor actually that I had was a lady that came up to me at my meeting and she said,

let just let me be your sponsor. I was so grateful to her because I still couldn't just walk up to anybody and ask them. And that Lady was just absolutely wonderful to me and, and, and, and, and got me through a lot of the steps. And I remember the day I was supposed to do my fifth step, I was still scared. And I called her up and I said, I'm resigning from Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I am so glad that, well, actually, I mean,

I had been asked to lead a meeting and I was probably about nine or ten months sober around this time. I had really thought it was a privilege to be asked to lead a meeting. Coming up here scared me. I, I used to just be like this and I couldn't stop it. But my, in my group, they wouldn't let me not come up here because it scared me. So I had been asked to leave the meeting and I've been looking forward to, to that. I thought it was really an honor, but I was supposed to do my fifth step before

the meeting and I just didn't think I could go through with it. And, you know, I, I hung up from her and I spent about 3 hours just crying and sobbing and hurting really bad because I think I knew I needed to do it, but I was afraid. And, you know, just thank God I somehow I talked to a few people and I ended up doing it. And I can look back on when I was finished telling all these things because I feel I did a pretty good job

the best I could at the time. And it was pretty much a

story of here are all the bad things that I did. I hadn't gotten to the point yet where I knew what was behind, you know, why I did all those bad things. It comes in time. It just comes in time. But I remember when I did it, I really felt stronger that day. I just felt all like I couldn't stand up tall and I could go lead that meeting. And I really was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous now. It just made me feel so strong and so good that I did something

that was so hard to do. And, you know, I have had the privilege of sponsoring people and hearing other people's four steps. And what a gift this has been to me because I think that we all feel different, you know, and I don't care what you said in the beginning about, you know, you're not different. I would always secretly know that I was different, just a little bit different, and that you really didn't quite understand me.

I don't think that you really understood the intensity of the emotions that I was feeling inside.

That's what I believed. But over the years, because I've been able to sponsor people and work with other people, I'm not any different. When you hear other people talking about the same things that you've talked about and what a freedom it is to finally know inside, I'm not different from anybody. So I have nothing to hide. I have nothing to hold back. I don't

tell lies anymore. I don't have to check myself all the time on It's Really a Wonderful Life. And

I told you I barely made it through high school. And then I'm here. I am sober and I have these three little boys and Joe and I were trying to make it, but we eventually got a divorce and I I had no education and life was a struggle for a long time financially and trying to get to meetings. And we were talking tonight about,

you know, I have these boys and I couldn't leave them home alone. And we didn't really bring, I couldn't bring them to the meetings. And I didn't really have any money. But somehow, I mean, I was told to just scrape the money together and get a babysitter and go to the meetings. And I was at at least five meetings, you know, a week because I just had to be. And somehow we managed and we lived through that. And

somewhere along the line I began to understand the concept of God and what this power greater than myself is. And

I was raised pretty much in the Catholic faith and I grew up with that God. One of the gifts that I got was to sponsor 2 nuns and Sharon sponsors one of them now. But I, I got her when she was brand new and it was really nice because I was really mean to her and,

and I said seven meetings a week or else sister and I got the ruler and I know she's

I'll tell you what, Speaking of, do you know 4th and 5th steps? When, when this woman did her fifth step with me years and years ago,

I, we, she finished and we were both sobbing. And I'll tell you why I was sobbing. I was taught by the nuns and I was afraid of these women. And here again, it's the heart to heart language that we have. She's a Catholic nun. She's the principal of the school. She can go talk to anybody and she never had been able to in her whole life. And she's talking to me, the person who came in and threw up all over everybody.

And we're up in the convent doing this step work. And it just blew me away that that again, showed me the power of our program and the miracle that we have here. And, but I don't know where it was. It doesn't really matter, does it? It's been, it doesn't matter. You're all thinking of yourself.

I know that

Joe and I got divorced. Life was difficult. It was a struggle financially. I never had any money. I'd, I'd be out in my car looking under the seats for pennies and nickels and, and you know what? But I didn't miss my A, a meetings. I mean, this is where I got it. And then I could go home and continue on and I got a job as a dental assistant because that's all I could do.

And I was filled with self pity for years. Poor me with no education and these three boys that no money and

what? And you know, you'd feel bad too. And if you were in my shoes and people, I got sober in a very tough group and they just called me on it. And that I was filled with self pity. And I, I didn't think that was fair or very nice for them to say that because I did have a tough life. Didn't they get it? And

but, you know, it was, it was just a really wonderful group for me because they just made me keep moving forward.

And I did try to go to college and part I realized somewhere along the way that I was really going to college because I was going to impress you more. And you would think more of me if I had this education. I didn't really want to go to college. And I had these boys and I had this job and I had my meetings and I always had to, you know, give that up. I am so glad that in the beginning, people told me that Alcoholics Anonymous had to come first in my life. And I am so glad that I knew that