The Spring Fling in Lincoln, NE

Good morning.

As Henry the Eighth said to each of his six wives, I won't keep you very long.

Well, it's Sunday morning, and on Sunday morning some people bow their heads to pray, and some folks bow their heads to putt.

I thought I'd pray.

Dear God, so far today I've done all right.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed.

And from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

How are you?

That tells you that I come from the Bronx.

The Bronx. It's the kind of place that when you leave it, you're not quite sure it'll be there when you go back.

However,

there is a sign in a restaurant in the Bronx and it says there are only two places in the world

that have the in front of them.

One is the Bronx, the other is the Vatican,

and I'm associating with both of those places,

give or take a little bit here and there.

I would like to thank Rick and Linda and the committee and whoever else had a part in having me come

to this holy place, Lincoln, NE, to share my experience, strength and hope with you. It's an honor and a privilege to to be in your beautiful presence. I cannot help but be impressed at the blessing and holiness that that sits before me.

It's nice to be invited. There was a time in my life when people stopped inviting me. I used to go anyway

and then I made a 30 day retreat wondering why they didn't invite me back.

So indeed, it's an honor and a privilege to be invited. Someone asked me, when you get up to speak, are you are you nervous? And I said, sure, it's always throw up time for me. And someone else said to me, you know, worry when it isn't. And I said, that's right. But in talking about being nervous, I'm reminded of the the young priest. He was going to give his first

sermon and he was very nervous about the whole thing. And one of the other priests said to him, why don't you ask

that old priest over there, Father Michael? He was a great speaker and he'll give you some techniques.

So the young priest went over and he asked Father Michael. And Father Michael said sure. He said the best thing to do is start with a line that is going to grab their attention. For example, he said, say something like some of my best years was spent in the arms of a woman.

Well the young priesthood with his mouth open, he he couldn't believe that this is what was coming out of the old fellas mouth. And the old priest smiles. And he said she was my mother.

Well, next Sunday came and the young priest got up and he's hanging on to the to the podium and he's about to give his sermon and, and he's so nervous. And he says some of the best years of my life was spent in the arms of a woman,

But for the lie to me, I can't remember who she was.

I stand in awe

on this, the most important day of my life.

I stand in awe of God's love for me.

I stand in awe of you and my relationship with you,

and I stand in awe

of Maurice.

If you don't remember anything that I share today, Please remember this

because this is how I want to be remembered since it's the most important thing about me.

I'm an alcoholic.

I'm a woman.

I'm a member of a religious community. I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous in good standing,

in particular the Forest Hills group in Queens, NY. The

that's my Home group. I have a marvelous, a wonderful family. What's left of them. I have a beautiful community of sisters.

I have wonderful friends both in and out of the fellowship. I just love saying I have a Home group.

The Forest Hills group is my Home group, and the last thing I always tell you about myself is my name.

Incidentally, my name is Sister Maurice. One of the things that I'm partial to in our fellowship is that it's a fellowship of equals.

There are no titles in Alcoholics Anonymous. No one really cares what you do for a living.

I like all of that. I may be prejudice about us, but I don't think there's another group in society that can claim fellowship of equals

like we can.

No titles. You have never been anything else in our fellowship other than Sister Maurice.

Now, isn't that a title? Well, for me, it's my name, the name I've been using most of my life. It's on all my important papers. It's on my driver's license. It's written up quite well in two police stations in the city of New York,

but moreover, it's the name that I gave to you when I came into your beautiful presence a while back. Now a call had been made for me and I was to go to the Forest Hills group of Alcoholics Anonymous

and I really wasn't quite sure that someone of my class in caliber should be going to such a place as a A so I was not a happy camper when I came. Little by slowly that has all changed for me. So much so that I can say quite comfortably today I choose to live the A a way of life.

For years I said I have to go to AAA. I better go to AAI, gotta go to AAA.

I don't have to better or gotta. I choose to live the a, a way of life.

And when I talk about something being a way of life, it's not an incidental experience.

It's not something I do when the spirit moves me. A way of life to me is as much a part of me as my right hand and my left hand. But for starters, I went to this first meeting and I was supposed to meet a gal there. And I went into a small room and there was only one fellow in the room. And he took a look at me and he came running across the room and he grabbed my hand and he gave me a handshake like I hadn't had in quite a while. He told me who he was and he said, what's your name? I said, me. He said yeah, what's your name?

Well, I said I'm sister Maurice,

that is, fella didn't say to me. Your mother doesn't call you that, does she?

And he didn't say to me, well, we're going to have a group conscience meeting and I'll get back to you about that one.

The very next thing the man said was hi, Sister Maurice. You're welcome.

And in my over 27 years with you a day at a time, no one has even suggested that I call myself anything else.

So I've never been anything else in our fellowship other than Sister Maurice. The name is important, but the most important thing about me at any point on a clock is what I told you first and foremost, that I am an alcoholic. And each and every time I say that beginning first when I awaken in the morning. I don't know how you awaken in the morning, but I sleep on my right side for the most part

and my eye, my right eye is buried in the pillow.

So I kind of wake up like this, see this eyes open and I know I'm still here. And the very first thing I do is announce before my God. I am an alcoholic. I choose to enter into my day by announcing before my God the most important thing about me. I am an alcoholic. It puts me on the right wavelength up here. I hope and I pray and I do what's necessary thus far so that I don't reach a point in recovery where my

would be. Well, of course I'm an alcoholic. I've been one of those for years now. So I choose to enter into my day by announcing before my God I am an alcoholic.

At anytime during the course of any given day that I say that, I'm reminded

that of all the things I do each day that God gives me, my most important work job assignment is to stay sober. And I do that best through the principles and traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous as they have been written. When I came to a while back, you gave me a book and you called it big. I thought it was an interesting way that you described the book.

I had cleared up enough to see that it wasn't a small book, it was a big book.

The gal who gave it to me, she was much shorter than I was and the book was so big. She held it in two hands and she said here is a big book.

No coincidence. At that moment, some fellows were putting some signs on the wall and I'm very farsighted. And I caught the sign that said keep it simple. And I was able to make a connection. I said to myself, wouldn't dare say it to her. I said to myself, wow, do these people practice what they preach?

Course you can't get much simpler than that. Here is a big book.

Of course, now we have the paperback, which I call the Small Big Book, and I do that

perfectly because, you know, there is another book out in the bookstores. It's called The Small Book and it talks about being an alternative to Alcoholics Anonymous. So I call ours The Small Big Book. Well, you know, you introduce anything new in a A and they send for you.

And this fellow came to me one night. He had a small, big book. I thought he was going to pay me a compliment. And then I saw how upset he was and he said, hey, sister, you call this the small big book? I said, I do. He said that's a contradiction.

What do you mean contradiction? He said Small, big, small, big.

I said, well, we have had jumbo shrimp for years.

Well, I took the book from you, the one that you called big, and this is what you said to me. You told me I should read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I should study the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I should believe what I found there. I should share what I believe and I should practice what I share.

And then you added another piece. You told me I should do that along with the people who know how to do it best.

And you call that group the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And then you put all of that together

and you said that is a design for living that really works.

But what did I know about anything? I said, well, I'll see what I can do. And do you know that Design for Living

has worked so well for this lady here that I don't spend a fleeting moment of my precious time looking for alternative ways to go?

I need all the help I can get,

but it's always after that design for living.

You know the little sheep that strays from the flock,

perhaps you know some little sheep. You know the little sheep that says, oh, I know I've been missing meetings, but don't worry about me, Life is great.

You know the little sheep who says, oh, I know you're concerned about me. You were so helpful to me when I first came around.

You know, the little sheep that strays from the flock is usually the one that's found in the ditch over the embankment and hanging from the barbed wire fence.

I have a drunk a log that would tell you quite well that all by myself I can stay very sick and quite drunk,

but I truly believe I cannot stay sober and fairly well without you.

My most favorite fruit

is the banana and last night close to midnight

I had a banana because it was in the beautiful basket of fruit that was up in my room. And every time I have a banana,

whether I take the banana off the bunch or whether I get to the dish and there's only one banana left,

or whether I'm out in a restaurant and I have some cereal and a sliced banana.

Whenever I eat a banana, I have a meditation.

And the meditation I have is that the banana that leaves the bunch is the one that gets skinned.

Now, if you didn't get that, you could talk to your sponsor.

And if you don't have a sponsor where you know the rest of the story,

alcohol became a way of life for me in a very short period of time. It dictated my moods. It made my decisions. It said you will and it said you won't.

I found it hard to eventually surrender to that. When the first drink of alcohol went into this body, mind and spirit,

I was put in a position where I could no longer tell you how many I was going to have. I couldn't tell you what my behavior was going to be like. However, if you asked me in those days, how many did you have? I would have said two because that's what a lady should have. And if you said to me, and what was your behavior like, I would have said steady as you go, because that's how I saw myself.

The most fascinating thing I have learned about the disease of alcoholism is that it's that first drink.

I was a first grade teacher at the time and I would be working very hard with my children at 10:00 in the morning

and something would start in my body, mind and spirit

and it wouldn't be saying don't you have to go out to the bathroom? Don't you need a cup of coffee? It would be screaming in there.

You need a drink. And the very next thing I would do would be to put up against that screaming what people told me I had so much of, and that was willpower.

And that willpower approach was futile.

And I went on to learn that it wasn't that I was a weak willed individual, but rather I was a sick, untreated alcoholic, a diseased person.

And so morning after morning after morning in the classroom, I'd move to the next game plan. And I would say, well, it's a couple of minutes after 10. These kids can go out to the bathroom. They can have their snack. I'll get the teacher next door to keep an eye on them. I'll go over to the convent, get a drink and be back when this is all over. And I'd be running across the yard to the convent. And this would be my thinking.

This is going to be my last drink, at least until I've done my day's work.

I was too sick to recall in those days that at 5:00 AM when the big bell went off to get us into our day. My story goes back to Old God's time before we went mod and

we had this big bell that went off at 5:00 AM. And for me to get into anything in those days, I had to reach over from my bed and take that drink. And each and every time I took it, I said this is going to be the last one, at least until I've done my day's work.

And so after I would take that first one, I was put in a position where I had no say

and how many more I was going to have, and everything began to center around when am I going to get that next one? And yet in those days, if you met me along the street and you said, Sister, could I ask you a question,

who or what is the center of your life, I would have been insulted by the question. I mean, you just called me sister. You see how I'm dressed? Every piece from stem to stern. You just saw me come out of that building called Convent

and you're asking me who's the center of my life. How come you don't know that the center of my life is gone? And I would have been insulted by your question. Today, I choose to live honestly thanks to you. You know, I knew a lot about honesty before I met you. In fact, I was in a position of teaching little children how to be honest and then instructing those little children to go home and help mommy and daddy be honest.

You know, it's one thing to know a lot about something. It's another thing to pass it on to the whole world,

but what about having it in your own life?

And you know, for a time there honesty was on the back burner.

But today I choose to live honestly. And I have no problem in sharing with you that somewhere along the journey, the focus shifted for me and it shifted from God to that next drink. And I justified the use of alcohol in my life. I might say too, because maybe someone here needs to hear it. It was not one of my goals in life to become an alcoholic.

I don't recall getting up. A dark and gloomy day of bright and sunny day saying today's the day. Alky by 6 tonight Watchmen,

I'll destroy me and see how many I can take with me. I do not see alcoholism is self-inflicted. That's my opinion. I believe it's a sickness that comes to a person. I think it's a marvelous and wonderful idea that we have steps that suggest to us in God's time that we make amends because we are accountable, and I think that's a marvelous and wonderful idea.

But I don't hold myself responsible for the sickness that came to me. However, I do hold myself

very, very responsible for the life giving precious gift of sobriety that has been given to me.

I did not get sober. I tried to get sober. I wasn't able to pull it off.

I don't believe a person can get sober. That's my opinion. I believe something bigger, greater outside of that person takes place. They call it a miracle

and I believe the precious life giving gift of sobriety is given, and it's given by one bigger, greater than all of us put together.

I choose to call that one God. And so I feel very responsible

to take care of that precious life giving gift of sobriety each day that God gives me.

So much so that I have no problem in sharing with you if you should ever hear that Maurice is back drinking.

Please, please don't call me a victim,

call me a volunteer and the very next thing you say about me Somewhere along the line, she wasn't willing to do everything necessary to stay sober. I cannot plead ignorance today. You have taught me and taught me well how to take care of that precious life giving gift of sobriety each day that God gives me. Going back to the scene in the bed, you know, my eyes and the pillow there, you know

the second thing I do is pray the Lord's Prayer.

And when I reached the part of the prayer that says give us this day Our Daily Bread, He will not refuse anyone who asks for the bread. He will give sufficient for the day. I believe it is my responsibility then to take that bread and to use it to take care of that precious life giving gift of sobriety through that design for living each day that He gives me.

I was affected physically, mentally, spiritually, socially and emotionally from this disease. Physically, I fared out pretty well,

as far as we know. But, you know, there were times that I tried to arrange my own physical death. I used to take the car, leave the Bronx, go across the George Washington Bridge and up the Palisades Parkway, and I would pull over where you could sightsee. And I would say when those cars are gone, when those kids are gone, I'm going to run this car over the embankment

because I don't know what's the matter with me.

And then, you know, what would happen. I would have what I call a moment of Amazing Grace,

and I'd say to myself, I'll go

get a drink. I'll come back another time.

So I was not to die physically. But you know, there are other ways of dying I'm sure you can identify. I suffered the death of my values. I suffered the death of my integrity. I suffer the death of everything I stood for as a woman and everything I stood for as a sister. All those areas of my life die.

Outwardly, I look pretty good, held a job, did it fairly well, tried to keep up with my responsibilities and above all, during this time. Above all, I always said my prayers

and many of you have shared with me along the journey that you thought you missed the boat because you didn't pray enough. Listen, I prayed enough for you and all belonging to you.

So this disease must be so big, and indeed it is, that something as powerful as prayer will not take it away. I don't believe you can just pray your way through your alcoholism. And yet we say, where would we be without prayer? Prayer is a path where there is none. When all else fails, have I prayed?

But I think there's another piece that goes with the prayer for people like you and me. Pray

and row the bow.

And this beautiful design for living enables us to do that, to pray and to row the boat.

Well, I denied that alcohol was my problem, and I was somewhat relieved when I learned that denial is the major presenting symptom of alcoholism. And when you're in denial from this disease, you are not in touch with reality. What I knew about my drinking would fit on a postage stand.

What was happening in my life was as big as the state of Nebraska,

but if I didn't have it up here when it was presented to me, then it didn't happen. And it would be a good idea if you went and took care of your own laundry.

Now, once in a while, I meet someone who says, you know, nobody really ever talked to me about my drinking. Oh, I can't say that hundreds of people talk to me about mine. Some of them came from Europe just to talk to me about my drinking.

Some of them wanted to be martyrs at an early age,

the Northern, that one, to come in here and talk to me about my drinking and the behavior that went with it. And there were many times that I exercised the denial. You know, I could come here today and I could tell you what it's like in recovery today. And you could say, well, you know, hey, pretty much the same for me. Yeah. I follow the design. I do,

you might find yourself saying. I wonder if she ever felt like I felt

if he ever did any of the things that I did see. So I like to tell you what happened in regards to denial. My mother was in the hospital having a total hip operation, and she was there quite a while. The operation wasn't as perfected way back then as it is today. And I went every day to be at my mother's bedside because that's where a good daughter should be. And how do we affect the people on the other side of the coin? My beautiful mother would say to me, if you don't come tomorrow, it'll be just fine.

You must have lots of work to do around the convent, end of school. Not being in touch at reality, my thinking was wow, there she is with all her pain and she's thinking of me.

My beautiful mother could not bring herself to say you're an embarrassment to me. You are no help to me. I don't need you around this hospital drunk.

Well, I have just one sister, and she's also a sister, a member of my own community. And during my active alcoholism, my sister secretly wished she had joined a missionary community and lived in South America.

It's very hard to be proud of a sick, untreated alcoholic.

I know that today. I didn't know it then. So my sister came to the hospital to visit my mother. She gave me a little wink to come outside. I dutifully went outside. She's very, very tall, seven years younger than myself, but very tall. And she put her finger like this. You know how they do it. And she said, why? Why would you come to this hospital at 4:00 in the afternoon drinking? I was just about to give a lecture when it dawned on me. I don't have to say anything.

We've been down this road 100 times before.

To the best of my recollection, not a word did I speak. But being a typical alcoholic, and that's all that I am, is a typical alcoholic. I'm sure you can identify with the song as I can. You know the song first you say you will and then you won't. You know you've made-up your mind. You're not going to say anything, but you're going to put something on the record.

So I took my right hand, which was the more powerful of my two and I belted her.

Shortly thereafter 2 nurses came running down the hall and they are yelling sisters, sisters. Now, they weren't calling us sisters because we were the duty girls,

but we would dress very much like sisters used to dress. Some still dress today. My veil was on the floor. Husband someplace else

I can see people are starting to gather.

This is the famous hospital for special surgery in New York City. People come from all over the world to that hospital.

One of their major rules is that no one leaves their bedrooms unescorted. These people were coming out, crutches, wheelchairs,

all fours, because the word got around very quickly that there were two nuns out there killing one another.

Now, in the midst of all this chaos, I have a couple of thoughts going on in this head up here. Interesting. I did not have the thought. Maybe I shouldn't have belted her

and I didn't have the thought. Maybe I shouldn't have had that last drink before I came down here, uppermost of my mind, right here. I'm looking at it and I'm saying to myself, why did she scream?

I look back with a sober, clear head today and you know, it's kind of normal. Someone gives you a belt and you let out a hoop. But see, I wasn't

to reality the other thought I had was my purse had fallen onto the floor, making it rather loud sound as it fell to the floor.

I was a little distracted with the purse, you know, but I managed to get it over here by my feet and when I could steady as you go, I was going to bend down and pick it up. Now I wasn't too concerned about the few dollars in the purse. I have a vow of poverty. I kept it quite well during this time,

but I was very concerned about the pint of holy water in the purse.

One pint of Christian Brothers branding,

and what is that all about?

That's nothing more than the thinking of a sick, untreated alcoholic. Now, there's only one word to describe somebody who'd be in the position that I was in. Oh, I had to go through a lot of other descriptions. And if there's anyone here today who still sees themselves in this first group, I would suggest you leave that thinking here. Of course it doesn't apply.

I had to go through bad hopeless, weak willed Sinner.

You should know better. I beat myself on mercifully with You should know better,

but the way I would describe someone today who'd be in the position that I was in would be sick,

unwell. That plane would full deck

that's respectful or hurt a fellow. One night he described himself. He said he was a quart lull.

I heard another fellow another night. He said he had a photogenic mind, he just never had any film in the camera.

But I had to go away before I could see myself as sick and unwell. If you drink and you drive, you might miss the mark. It was an insult to show on your face that you were thinking of driving us home. I brought you there. I bring you home. My first accident at July of 70, My good friend Sister Rose

was in court over the dismissal of a teacher from her school. This is a big to do in the diocese at that time. Now Rose had a lawyer appointed by the diocese. And I said, who knows more about this case than I do? I'll be in the court to help the lawyer help Rose. How do we affect the people on the other side of the coin? The night before the trial, Rolls called me up and she said, Maurice, please don't come to court.

Not being in touch with reality. My thinking was,

wow, there she is with all her pain, and she's thinking of me.

Well, I have heard Raul share her story and that marvelous and wonderful program that parallels ours, that of Al Anon. And indeed, Rose was thinking of herself, and rightly so. It was not my style to push. I said, you know, you're right, You'll have a lot of paperwork to do. I'll meet you downtown lunchtime, I'll take you to lunch, you'll brief me and I'll advise you for the afternoon session

and to be rid of me. She said fine. Well, I was in Graduate School that summer and I drove well fortified from the very top of New York City, very top of the Bronx, to the very bottom of the city, the Wall Street section of my city. It was 5 minutes after 12 lunchtime, a working day in Wall Street, and the weather was clear. Those are the things they tell you at the top of the police report.

A United States mail truck

that was parked by the curb, minding its own business got in my way and I smashed into it. And when the policeman came on the driver's side, first word out of his mouth, you couldn't miss it. He said, sister has a little taken back by the next piece. I mean, he didn't even say, are you hurt? Could I call someone? You think you could have been my first grade teacher? He said Sister, could you have been drinking?

Well, I am a great fan of New York's Finest, and for a fleeting moment, I wondered how this guy got on the police force with a question like that,

As was my style. Officer, let me help you. I proceeded to tell the officer about my friend who was down here being persecuted and how upset I was, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Well, I went into a blackout, eventually, a pass out, as was my custom. I woke up in a convent a short distance away. I didn't know I was in a convent. I didn't know where I was. I woke up in this strange bed, half my clothes on, half my clothes off.

I know where I was, believe you me. It was not my custom then, certainly not my custom today to wake up in strange beds,

but I'm around long enough to know that you have your story.

However, at a time like

that, we all have the same tricks of the trade. Where am I, what happened and how do you get out of here? I put that game plan into operation and I could see a partially open door and I could hear some voices. So I tiptoe over. Now, I don't know, maybe it was your style. It certainly wasn't my style to throw the door open and say what happened. So you tiptoe over and you hang one ear out, see if you could get a little something to go on because you know from nothing and you do know that they're going to be asking you questions. So you have this ear out. Well, I get to the door. The ear is

I can see Rose. So I knew everything was going to be OK if Rose was there. There was another sister, a big tall lady. Neither of us knew her. She was beaten up. Rose all. She was screaming at Rose and I got to the door with the ear out as the big tall lady said to Rose. She said your friend is on pills or she's drinking and in order to help her you are going to have to hurt her.

I thought that was such poor advice.

Oh, I took my ear in

and I went back to bed to get a little rest to handle Rose, who came in and asked the going question in our lives at that time. What happened? I told it as I saw it. I lost control of the car because I was so upset about the court case. Now in those days the call was in my mother's name.

I had the car fixed back out on the road. 3 weeks had passed. I thought we were getting on with our lives and saving the world. Every time you talk to Ralph, she had this question. When are we going to tell your mother about the accident? Never. Why do you want to tell another about the accident? Well, the cause in her name. So what? The cause fixed then the fee. Is that set in for a sick, untreated alcoholic? What if Rose tells your mother? So I called Rose up, invited her

my treat, took it to a little restaurant, leaned across the table in the restaurant and said, if you dare to tell my mother about the accident, someday you will come out of your convent, I will be sitting in a car, and when you cross the street, that will be it.

That is called threatening someone's life.

Now. I always share that in my story.

And one night 100 years ago, that means a long time, I was speaking someplace and we had a friend of ours at the meeting. She's not in program. And at the end, I noticed there was some commotion and she was pushing everybody aside. She said, I have to get some more research. I said, what's the matter with you? She said, do you really think you would have run over Rose? So my head kind of jerked back. You know, no one, no one had ever asked me that question before, not even Rose,

I said. Let me tell it to you. This way of myself, No,

I wouldn't hurt a family without a drink in May. You never knew I was around

as a little kid, well into adulthood. I was always hiding out. I was like part of the woodwork, part of the drapes.

What did I have to offer?

What was I anyway? You know, life comes from the inside out.

I used to describe it as I was deprived. No, no, I don't believe we're deprived,

but because of our history and our story, we're not able to get in touch with all that God has given. So it's very dark in there.

And then you put one drink in here,

just one, and you can paint the most tragic picture you can think of.

And I could be the one heading it up.

And I always like to point out that it wasn't that I was at Mass the next morning or that I was reading one of my 10,000 religious books that I had at that time. And the thought came to me,

You shouldn't kill Rose.

You know what happened. It was another moment of that Amazing Grace.

It just wasn't to be part of my story or part of Roses

that I would run her over.

Well, the disease was progressing rapidly and one day I got a call from my boss.

Now, this was the big boss, the head of my community. The call was in the same category as if the Pope said get yourself to Rome. This was a big call. And there were only two reasons in those days why you would get this kind of a call.

One, you are in trouble or there was a special assignment that only you could do. So I'm driving up to see the boss and this is my thinking. I have enough to do.

Why are they always asking me?

So we get there. We have a little chit chat, she says. Maurice, I'll get to the point. Some of the sisters are saying that you drink too much. There's nobody there but the two of us. In those days, when the big boss spoke, you didn't ask questions.

I asked the question I started when I asked it. I said where are they? She said. Oh they don't want to be mentioned. I said to myself,

and you know, in a very sick and negative way, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. I was into one of our steps at that moment, made a list

of all people who had harmed me and asked God to be rid of them. And I sat there writing one contract after another.

I figured I'd ask another question. I said, do you really know anything about me? Because in those days, you know, there was this big gap from the big boss and the rest of us. We had bosses in between that we dealt with. Well, she said, I have a file. So she went over and she took out a folder and she peeked in and she said, oh, I didn't know you were doing this in the diocese. And she said, oh, you're going to get your masters degree. And, oh, you started the reading program. Well, the trophies were all over the place. She closed the folder. And she said, you know, Maurice, I will never, ever again believe this about any of our sisters.

I said, that's a good policy to follow. She gave me an apology and off I went. And as I walked back to the car, I had only one thought. She will never, ever send for me again. She never did. Next time she arrived unannounced and put me away.

So when I learned about this denial and not being in touch with reality, it helped me. I was angry and resentful during this time, angry with God. I'd give him my life to God.

What do you want from me? I love the word relationship

and I learned about relationships from you. You've been my teachers about relationships

prior to recovery relating to God, whoever, whatever he was.

You know how I did it since I was a little kid and well into adulthood, I sat up straight and I disciplined myself and I knelt up straight and I was always looking for another religious book and and more techniques for prayer and meditation. You know, started as a little kid right into adulthood with that, right into the convent with that. And, you know, after I attempted a relationship with God, you know, the expression that would have applied,

we didn't have it in those days. But you know what the expression would have been, Ben? They had done that, you see. And then when I was drinking, it was taking God on. Well, if you don't need me, well, I don't need you.

And if I don't need someone bigger, greater outside of this lady here, I wonder who I think I am.

And so I was angry and resentful with God. I was

depressed during this time. I was in the convent many years before I picked up my first drink.

I didn't like the taste of alcohol. I didn't use alcohol. In 1967, on the 5th of January, my beautiful father Maurice,

he died. He went to God.

He died of alcoholism. I believe that was the secondary cause of my father's death.

I had tried to help my father

and after my father went to God, I went way inside

and I came out in a short time with a drink in my hand.

And shortly thereafter, my mother said to me one day, she said, you know, while we have you, your father is not gone.