The Austin City-Wide Speaker Meeting in Austin, TX

Hi everybody. I'm Susan. I'm an alcoholic

and what a blessing it is to know Sandra.

So many people make such a difference in my life and and the women I sponsor, you know, are a huge part of that. She called me up the day after my birthday a week ago. I had my belly button birthday and I got this message on my phone that she sang me happy birthday. It was just the sweetest thing and she was homesick that day.

So gosh, what, what a life, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous has given me such an incredible, beautiful life today with the support, the fellowship, the service, all of it is more than I could ever dreamed of.

I've been sober since July 28th, 1984, which is truly, truly a miracle of God. God gets the credit definitely. And

I

and I know God's works through all of you who have given me a tremendous amount of support and I'm so grateful. You know, I've heard so many good messages on my phone lately from people calling I with support. And you know, that the group that I went to Gatesville with this morning, so many good things there. And you know, it's just God working through everybody.

Boy, what a great deal. Anyway,

let's see, OK, I was born in Houston in 1956, and I come from a really, really nice family. I lucked out and I got a really good deal with my parents. They're really good, sweet people.

I have a sister two years younger and we moved to Illinois when I was just a baby and I really had a happy childhood in Illinois.

And

I'm the only one in my immediate family who's an alcoholic. So I'm like the black sheep of the family, you know,

But I do have two grandfathers that were Alcoholics. So I believe that I inherited the alcoholic gene from them. And, you know, I was just an alcoholic waiting to happen.

I know that I was a real sensitive child. You know, I think that I was like, born missing something. The wisdom and ability to handle life

like some people just automatically have. I just never seem to have that. And my parents taught me really good values. We went to church. I really believed in God and I wanted to be the best person I could be. But, you know, like, if anyone was critical of me, I took that to heart. And, you know, I, to me, that just meant that I was just, you know, really not a very good person.

You know, I could just, I took things really, really hard and instead of just brushing them off, you know,

realizing that sometimes people just weren't nice and, you know, sometimes the things that people say aren't true. But anyway,

and sometimes I wasn't nice, and that's OK too, because, you know, nobody's perfect. But

we moved from Illinois to Houston when I was 10, and that was really, really a hard time for me. I missed my friends terribly, and it was like a completely different culture, you know, from Illinois to Houston. All the kids seem to be really grown up in Houston, and I still felt like a little kid.

I had this short curly hair and all the girls were wearing their hair long and straight, and I felt really unattractive. I met some boys in my neighborhood who weren't very nice and used to make fun of me and you know, the way I looked and I was really afraid that I was never going to be pretty enough.

And I just started to become really afraid and insecure

because I felt different. You know, all those aspects of alcoholism

were there and I, I just never felt like I fit in. I never had enough approval from people. I didn't approve of myself enough

and I started to move away from my spiritual values

and I just wanted to fit in, you know, and I was willing to just do just about anything to get the approval of my peers.

I remember when I was 13 I took my first drink of alcohol and I loved the effect of the alcohol.

I had come up with this idea that I was going to fill up Welch's grape juice bottles with the liquor in my parents liquor cabinet and snuck that out with some friends to a football game and boy, it was wonderful. You know, I really felt pretty for the first time. I felt like I had enough personality and enough of everything I needed to be, and it was a great feeling.

You know, the Big Book talks about how we loved the effect of the alcohol and definitely,

you know, I just fit everything in there.

And of course, I got sick and I got in trouble when I went home. And although I felt guilty for upsetting my parents,

you know, I, I knew that I had to keep drinking. I knew that I needed to do more of that. And so I was always planning, you know, the next time that I get to go out and drink at parties with friends. And it just kind of became this deal to where I would go out and drink and party

and then I would hate myself the next day and feel guilty because I was hurting my family

and not living up to the morals that I had been taught. So I really had a lot of internal conflict going on there. You know, I and

I started having blackouts as a teenager, which was really scary. I didn't remember the things I did the next day. I had no idea. I started getting a sneaking out my parents car and having car accidents, wrecking their car, you know, and they would have these, you know, take me in and have these good talks with me, you know, these lectures of, you know, how I needed to straighten up and follow the rules and live right. And you know,

I would always say, oh sure, you know, and feel really, really bad and promised that I would stop doing that and never do that stuff again. And I didn't know why I did what I did. I really didn't have any idea,

and I think that they were in complete denial of my alcoholism.

So I kept trying to promise and apologize that I would do differently. And I never did, of course. And I continued to have parties when they went out. You know, that wrecked the house in the yard and neighbors complained

and skipped school and go out and drink with my friends and they continued to lecture me, you know, and try to discipline me.

So so I started to, you know, it's a spiritual, mental and physical disease, our book says. And I just really began to deteriorate spiritually and mentally on the self hatred in me grew and grew and grew. I began to withdraw from my friends because the truth was all my friends loved me and they and my family loved me and

I had a lot of potential as a student, but I didn't believe in myself.

And I started to tell myself that I wasn't worthy of my friends and I wasn't worthy of anything.

And so I just withdrew from everybody. And then I began my mind, the disease just kept lying to me and telling me, and I would believe it, you know, that I wasn't good enough and that it was you people that were being mean to me. After a while, I projected it out there and I decided that everyone else was mean and it wasn't really me.

I didn't realize that I was my own worst enemy really.

So I started to hide when my friends came over after school. I wanted to sleep in the afternoon and my mother was trying to get me to, you know, go out and be social with my friends. But I didn't want to very much anymore. And I would go to some parties and get drunk, but most the time I just wanted to hideaway. I had a boyfriend in high school who tried very much to, to love me and let me know I was worthwhile, but I didn't believe it.

I couldn't believe it. So it was very chaotic relationship and I, you know, it finally just ended and you know, and then I could sit around and feel sorry for myself, but

I just didn't believe that I was worthy of anything. I can remember sitting in front of the mirror and telling myself I hated myself over and over and over again. So I became very self-destructive. Instead of staying on the path of God and knowing that I'm a child of God,

you know, I just went the other direction. I ended up dropping out of high school because I would not go to school. I just kept skipping school. And the principal and my mother, you know, really tried to work with me. But he finally told my mother to let me drop out of high school 'cause he couldn't keep me in. So my parents decided that was fine, I could go to a GED school

and, and I did that, you know, and I got my GED

and then I decided I was going to go off to college when I was 18

and give that a try. And, you know, I really didn't have any reality. Reality just was something is something even in sobriety I've had to work on. But to realize who I really am, what I'm really capable of, what I really want,

Well, I went off to college and of course I didn't like school and I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself and what I was capable of.

And, you know, had all these different majors and took all these classes and ended up with 12 hours, you know, is all.

And, and most of the time, you know, I just wanted to party, party with my friends. The first year I had to live in a dorm and ended up getting kicked out of that dorm. They asked me not to come back again, you know, because I wasn't willing to follow the rules. And

so I moved into a house with some girls in college,

and of course, all of them started to complain about my drinking and, you know, that they were afraid of me driving drunk and they were afraid to be in the car with me. And and then I felt like a victim again. Here's more mean people, you know, I mean, gosh, you know, how could they be saying that to me, treating me like that? So my parents helped me to get my own little apartment where I wouldn't have to deal with these mean people, you know?

And they did come up to visit me though, because they did, you know, get really concerned with when my friend said, you know, that maybe Susan really has a problem with her drinking,

really concerned about her. And they came up and talked to me and, you know, I convinced them that, you know, that I really was OK and that those people were too critical and, and they left. And anyway, finally, you know, I just gave up on the college thing and was ready to move on and go to work and move back to Houston from I gone to Tyler Junior College and did not graduate

and got one of the some little job.

I ended up having jobs for years. I don't know how many jobs I had. You know, I would go to work somewhere and call in sick a lot. I had lots of horrible hangovers for my drinking, and I would want to nurse those hangovers all day, you know,

and eventually get myself fired or I would also. I had this incredible fear of people, you know, And I would get in there and think that there was somebody mean at the job, and I couldn't handle that personality.

And so I would just leave the job and call my parents and borrow money. And I just lived like that, you know, through my early 20s and felt very ashamed of myself.

I really didn't know how to be a very good friend. I didn't know how to show up and, and be there for people. And I needed to drink to feel good about myself at all. So I had a hard time having friendships. And as far as relationships with men, those were just impossible because I couldn't give myself enough to be there and be present and be a good girlfriend.

I loved the alcohol. The alcohol was my best friend. It was. And though I studied spiritual books and and went to church, I didn't know how to live it at all. I wasn't able to find a way to live spiritually until I got to a A

my friends from college, you know, some of them moved to Houston and I spent some time with them at parties and, and some of them complained about my drinking, but I never, ever got the message that I was an alcoholic. It's just unbelievable how how strong the denial can be in this disease. You know, I never could see it. And I just felt victimized anytime anybody complained. Of course you know about me. I would wake up afraid every morning after I drank with my friends that I was going to lose those friends, that they were going to hate me because I done something

bad, you know, and I didn't remember what I did in blackouts.

Sometimes I would leave bars with a stranger and feel horrible the next day. You know, just truly ashamed because that was against my morals and that was a scary thing.

This disease is truly a progressive illness, and it just got worse and worse. You know, the years that I drank,

I remember one night I was sitting home in my apartment and watching TV, drinking my beer. And

the movie Days of Wine and Roses came on, which is a really old movie made in the 1930s about two Alcoholics that are just seriously alcoholic, just like I was. And I related to those people. I knew that's what I was. I could see myself in those people. And the next day I decided I was going to try to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. So I looked it up in the phone book and found a group which just happened to be right across the street from my apartment complex.

And

anyway, I went into that meeting and I just remember this crowd of people standing around and I looked at it all and I got scared and I left.

And so I just wasn't ready to do it at that point, but I was going to get there.

It wasn't long after that that I went to a bar with a group of friends celebrating somebody's bridal shower and got arrested for public intoxication because I couldn't walk around in the bar. I was stumbling drunk. You know, it got in those years that I would start stumbling drunk and babbling. I couldn't even talk. And I, I know that I really fought with that policeman. I was really angry.

Um, but anyway, that was my first arrest and my parents bailed me out of jail and I decided, well, I better try that Alcoholics Anonymous thing again. You know, that may be the answer for me. And so I started going back to a A and I can remember when I walked in the room that time, there was this feeling there. And it's indescribable. But I know it was God saying this is where you need to be.

You know that there's something really good and really special here, really wonderful.

And I met a woman, she came up to me and greeted me and gave me her phone number like we do in here and offered to help and but I wasn't ready to stop drinking. And I was going to go in and out of the program from 1981 to 1984.

It wasn't long after that that I got arrested for DWI.

And so I would go to meetings and then I would go back out to the bars and I loved the bars. You know, I just lived for going to bars. I was always looking for a party and a good time and escape and that just, that was how I had fun. But the truth was as I was really not happy, I was miserable inside. I didn't like myself. I couldn't connect with people,

you know? I had the love of my family

and the love of my friends, even if I didn't believe it. But I didn't love myself, so I couldn't really love anybody else

and I couldn't have any really intimate relationships. I was really disconnected.

So anyway, I went in and out of a A and finally, finally, you know that a, a message got through though. It got through and thank God I finally embraced the truth. I had about a year and three months at one point and but I was only halfway into the program.

I was coming in the program and going to meetings and sort of working the steps, but I didn't want to hang out with the a a people because I thought they were kind of weird, you know, and I just was kind of doing half measures deal.

And so I went out and I drank one night in 1984 and all I could think of was a A and everything everybody been saying to me in a a. It was a miserable time, a miserable drunk. I didn't enjoy the bar. I felt like I didn't belong there, you know, and that everybody was looking at me like I was this weird lady who didn't belong there.

The next day, I woke up with the typical hangover, and I'm grateful I hadn't gotten arrested or gone home with a stranger, which were the worst things that had happened, you know, during my drinking years. But anyway, you know, I had this really bad hangover that I was nursing, and I just thought, OK, this is it. I really, really worked the first step. Then I knew in my heart that I had conceded to my innermost self that I really, really, really was an alcoholic.

And I remember asking God saying

please help me stay sober regardless of whatever pain I ever have to go through. I never want to drink again.

And God answered that prayer, you know, because that I haven't taken a drink since

the night before that. And

of course I went to a A and got another desire chip and started over. And there was this really kind man in there who I really didn't want much to do with this person 'cause he looked scary to me. You know, he was a motorcycle guy and he dressed like a motorcycle guy. And I, you know, I didn't hang out with people like that, but he had,

he had the a, a message. And I guess God spoke through him that day because he made a tremendous difference in my life. And he said, you know, Susan, you just need to let go of the shame because the shame could make you go back out and drink again and said, you know, why don't you try asking God to help you stay sober every morning and thank him every night. And, you know, I never talked to that guy much after that. I didn't have much to do. But he made a big difference in my life because those are the words I needed to hear.

And I did that and, you know, I worked the steps again with that sponsor who had been so patient and kind and non judgmental for the last couple of years while I was going in and out. And, you know, I worked him again and I went to meetings and I really finally had that psychic change, that incredible spiritual experience the book talks about. I lost all desire to go to bars.

God changed me.

I also lost the desire to drink.

I decided that I, you know, I didn't decide. I just wanted to hang out with the a, a people, you know, to go to coffee and dinner with people.

And I followed the directions of that sponsor and was willing to do anything she said. Even though I was scared to do some of the things that she asked me to do. Like after I'd worked the steps to go up to Intergroup and sign up to be a service up there, you know, to get in there and chair a meeting, you know, I did it anyway.

And one day at a time, I got better.

Umm, I did have kind of a hard time at about six months sobriety. That time I remember I got really angry about something at work and I was imagining that people were rejecting me and leaving me out, which was one of my big imaginary head trips, you know? And that really wasn't going on, but I believed it at the time. And so my mind was lying to me and I was listening to that thing and I started thinking about getting a six pack of beer and I started wanting to drink.

And

I heard that still small voice of God say to me in my mind, please ask me for help.

And I just was stunned, you know, and just stopped. And I knew it was God

and, and all I could say was thy will be done because I was feeling that rebelliousness and that anger, but I could say those words and and then God just took over and gave me the complete inspiration to go up to the a a group I was going to at the time. And so I got in my car and I drove up there and I went in that group and people were sitting around at tables and I know I walked up and I said

I really want to drink and I need help.

And they talked to me and read from the big book with me. And I went to a meeting. And then after that I went to coffee and dinner. And I've never had a desire to drink since then. It was completely removed after that. You know, I've over the years I've had fleeting thoughts occasionally, but rarely. I've had drunk dreams, you know, which are kind of odd, but you know, they're not all the time. But but I've never wanted to drink. And I just know that we're never cured of alcoholic,

you know, we have but a daily reprieve based on work in this program.

But

I'm so grateful, so grateful that that was completely removed. You know, and the book says that we have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. And that has come true for me. You know that insanity of thinking that I can drink and wanting to drink has been completely removed.

God did for me what I couldn't do for myself,

and it's just been an incredible, wonderful journey.

So

I was working the steps with my sponsor, doing the very best that I could with the steps. And I know that I gave myself to God the best I could at the time. I gave the alcohol problem over completely, you know, but I, it was going to be a long, long process for me to give up all of myself. Will, I wanted life to be like I wanted it to be, you know, that selfishness, self centeredness. Well, I didn't get everything right away,

and I think that a lot of people don't,

you know, I think it's a process for a lot of us. Some are slower than others, and I'm one of those slow ones.

It's been, but you know, I don't judge that today. I really believe that God does not want me to judge or condemn myself or anyone else, that it's not my business and that it's just fine, that it's just like it has been, you know,

all of it has been truly wonderful. This 24 years I, I've been grateful every single day that I haven't taken a drink. You know, every day has been a good day just because I've been sober, even if it didn't always seem like it was a good day in some other ways.

But you know, I really got into that first year and thought, oh, I've got to have a relationship. You know, now that I'm sober, you know, I I deserve to get a relationship. I can finally going to be able to do this, you know. Well, I had no idea how much was wrong with me. You know, the book says liquors, but a symptom

I thought, you know, quit drinking and everything be fixed. You know, whoa, that's just not the case because there's just a long period of reconstruction ahead. And I had a lot of problems, a lot of deep seated character defects, a lot of things that needed to change.

So so anyway, you know, I was going to learn that, that that just wasn't the case. And I, I think I also thought that I was going to come in and work the steps and be perfect. And I didn't understand that we don't get perfect,

we just get better and that we're continually working the steps and growing spiritually. And, you know, we become more willing in time to let go of those character defects. That's been my experience anyway. I've definitely had to go in that willingness to change and let go of those character defects of mine. So I got in a relationship my first year and

it was a bad relationship. Of course, you know, how could somebody like me, as sick as I was,

attract anybody but somebody sick, you know, So, you know, is this very chaotic relationship. And I think that I did do better than when I was drinking. You know, I was a lot better of a partner than I had been. But

so anyway, that was just not a good relationship. And I had a lot of denial about that. And we kept trying to work on it. And I finally decided, well, if I married this man, maybe that would make it better,

you know?

And of course, that didn't work at all. You know, it just brought everything out and, and made it so much worse.

And so that marriage definitely ended after six months. And,

you know, I'm just grateful that I got out of that and I didn't drink. To me, that was a thing. No matter what happens, you know, I had made that agreement with God. No matter what happens, I wasn't going to pick up a drink.

I didn't want to drink over anything. And

my first sponsor had told me, you know, Susan, life isn't a fantasy world. And, and I, I hope that you can, can stay sober because it's just not always easy. And that was definitely the truth. But you know, I did learn to deal with life on life's terms and not drink. I know that God told me, you know, I believed in the beginning of my sobriety that we had this agreement that God was going to keep me sober, but that I had to be willing to really, really work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous,

that that was going to be the way for me.

And I have done that. You know, I finally was so sick and tired of those years going in and out and the disease and I finally had that moment of clarity that I saw it also clearly I didn't want to live that way anymore. So I was showing away a different to get out of that, you know, when I was really, really through with it. Sick and tired of it enough.

Anyway, after that relationship ended and I and I, I moved on from that,

I ended up having just a lot of resentment and a lot of fear and I wasn't willing to let go with that real easily. You know, I kind of nursed that and kept that and felt like it made me special, I think,

and really got into the victim role again.

I stayed sober, but I didn't do a lot of things that I needed to do in my sobriety. And I did go to meetings and I did a little bit of service,

but like I said, I held on to those those shortcomings and

was really, really afraid of getting involved with men again.

And you know, but my sponsors and everybody said just keep coming back.

I really didn't have what a lot of people wanted and I ended up being a very lonely person since I was just so self absorbed and so self involved

and kind of negative. There were a lot of people who did not want to be my friend and didn't want to be around me. You know, all those years I had been so afraid of that and imagine that it finally started happening. I mean, I all people in a a would have done anything in the world to help me if I needed help, but I just didn't have a lot of people who wanted to hang out with me. So I was, I was kind of lonely for a while and

you know, I started really, really getting into my relationship with God.

But the part that I didn't understand though, was the getting free of myself and brotherly love and really, really letting go and letting God had everything that was going to take me a while to get that. So

I did have a lot of wonderful experiences though, in that walk, in that journey, in that time anyway.

And finally,

I went through some really hard years with depression

and

even tried medication. And I think medication is wonderful and a lot of people need it. A lot of people need medication for depression and other things because they truly have a chemical imbalance. But I think I was one of those people who just really, really needed to work my program better. And I was going to find out trying antidepressants that they weren't the thing for me.

I didn't like them. They didn't work for me

and finally I realized that I was going to have to work my program better and God just took care of that.

I went to one of the groups, Anniversaries 1

when I can't remember, I think it was summer, and bumped into my current sponsor and I heard her talking with people about doing Correctional Facility work. And I just knew that there was something there that I needed to hear.

And I remember talking to that woman and asking her to sponsor me and she made an incredible, incredible difference in my life. I'm so grateful. She really got me back into the steps. Especially 10:11 and 12:00. I needed to learn how to really clean house daily,

you know, doing a lot of little mini 4 steps. And then to really, really work on my relationship with God. I had to really look at my understanding and concept of God, that it had gotten to be not a very good concept. I believed in God, but I really didn't believe that God cared for me or was there for me because some of the things in my life hadn't worked out like I wanted to. I believe God had deserted me,

and so I had to look at that concept I had and be willing to replace it with a better one and get a God that was truly personal and loving and caring and there for me, you know, and I began to develop that relationship with a really loving God. I also began to realize that I was the cause of my misery and my problems. It wasn't other people and it wasn't God. I was making a lot of bad choices based on myself, Will

that were getting me hurt and unhappy. And that is the biggest spiritual revelation, you know, I've ever had, you know,

and that truly, again, I was my own worst enemy.

And through the steps, really, really work in the steps, you know, I've gotten free of that.

So I also started doing that work in the prisons and that

really, really, really has helped me. One of my closest friends

told me that after she saw me start doing the work in the prisons, she saw me get better and she saw remarkable change in me. And

so anyway, I started going to the prisons, into the jails and taking meetings and I think I found my real purpose in life. The book says that our real purpose in life is to be of maximum service to our fellow man. And I realized then that it was not about me and fulfilling all my selfish desires, but about giving to others and helping others and carrying this a a message.

And it's just been so rewarding and fulfilling to do that work.

I also got better and started sponsoring a lot of women

and was able to carry the message that way and got involved in service work in many ways.

I can remember at one point I still had so much fear, you know,

this miserable, imprisoning fear. And my sponsor told me that I needed to face those fears head on. So I really did some good inventorying of those fears and was willing to bring them all to the light of God

and to let them all go and realize that God is bigger than any fear I ever have and always there for me. I just have to let go and let God

and I begin to outgrow that self-centered fear. I truly became a different person.

I started to make all kinds of friends. You know, people wanted to be around me. What a miracle

and God did for me what I couldn't do for myself.

God helped me to learn to love myself, to have self esteem because I let God in. I really, really surrendered. I had to really surrender that self will and those shortcomings and get out of the way. And then God filled me with the sunlight of the Spirit and healed me.

That was a process. And one of the character defects I've had to look at that was also one of the worst ones was self condemnation.

And you know, I I forgave my ex-husband. I forgave all those people that I thought weren't nice and I forgave everybody. But it took me a long time to forgive myself. That's been the hardest thing. And I finally realized through couple people telling me that that was really selfish and really pride and reverse to hold on to that. And

that was my ego, you know, And so it also diminishes my usefulness to others

to have that there. I can't carry the message as well. So I finally began to really let go of that, the self condemnation. And boy, that's such an incredibly good feeling. Because today I feel good about myself inside and I enjoy being myself and being a friend to myself. And you know, I really, really like being happy and serene instead of miserable and all that depression and all that stuff.

Every once in a while I still get into that stuff

and can call my sponsor and what she usually says is that your ego talking to you again, You need to quit listening to that thing try to drag you down, you know,

and there's this wonderful formula, trust God, clean house, help others. You know, it's simple and it's so effective. It really, really works. When I work it, I want these people who so rebellious that even though I was embraced this program, I wasn't willing to always do everything it says.

And I know it's it's spiritual progress, not perfection. So that's really OK. And perfectionism is a character defect. You know, it's expecting

well, what I can't be and that's pride and ego. So I don't need to be there. I can be grateful for progress. I just got to keep willing to do the steps and and show up and do this stuff and it gets better.

I, I,

I'm just so grateful for God, for what God has done for me.

This incredible, wonderful life. It has changed dramatically over the years. I have changed dramatically and my life has changed dramatically. You know,

I really, really, really had to learn that surrender of letting go of what I want and how I think things should be because I don't know what's best for me. I really don't. And I don't even know all the time what's going to really make me happy.

Um, and you know, those steps tell me that you know, God does.

The book talks about spiritual and God so many times. Those words just in the first couple chapters I found are in there so many times. This really, really is, you know, about finding God, of our understanding of power greater than ourselves that can solve our problem, that we can't do it on our own, and learning to live a spiritual life,

not just think about it and talk about it and say, oh, I'm so spiritual because I believe in God. Yeah. But then I can go out here and hate everybody and reason everybody and hate myself, you know, and be terrified and, you know, no, you know, we got to learn to live this thing. I had to learn to live this thing. And even if it's not perfect, you know it's one day at a time

to keep working at it. And I have seen incredible amount of progress.

Umm,

I think that

guys, today I have so many friends and so much love and support that, you know, it just blows me away when I was asked to speak here and, and all the people that you know, just have

given me so many pets on the back and shown me so much love one day. I just thought, wow, I'm just blown away by this. God, I can't believe that I had this many friends and these people really like me that much and care about me that much. And you know, life is so different and

I just know that it's all because of God and what God has done and and that you know that I can love y'all and have that brotherly love and irregardless of of anything and that I can forgive anybody today.

Because I know that's what the directions in the book say. You know, I may have to do the work on it and go through the process

of writing an inventory and really praying a whole lot because I can't forgive anybody myself. I've got to ask God to help me do that. And I do that enough and God gets in there and he changes my view and my heart. It's miraculous what God can do.

You know, and then to be able to have a message to pass on to others and help them to learn how to, to heal and work the steps and get better and then they pass it on. It's an incredible way of life.

So

anyway, I can't say enough about what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me. You know, it's truly is like the book says,

a pleasure to be of service. And I think in Bob's story, doctor Bob story, he says it's I do the service work because it's my duty. It's a pleasure. I'm paying back a debt to a A and it's really insurance against taking a drink. And boy, that's that's for sure. You know, and it's a way to find real happiness, to really, really, really get free of myself

and to truly be happy. And because it's living right, it's doing the right thing, and it's connecting with other people also. You know, I have something in common with people today and I can connect with people in that way

and have truly intimate relationships, which is such an incredible blessing.

I can be, I'm a good daughter today. You know, a relationship with my family healed and I was able to make those amends in the first couple years of sobriety. And of course, they were just so happy for me and proud of me. It probably just took him a couple of years to really believe in me, which was understandable, you know,

and make amends to the friends that I could find out there.

Umm.

Anyway,

I'm just, I'm really, really, really, really grateful to my family and for their forgiveness, love and health and support also.

And they've given me tons of it over the years that I've been sober. They've been friends to me when I didn't have friends, and

they prayed for me. A lot of prayers, you know, which I'm sure have helped too.

I know that, you know, I prayed and asked God to help me speak and say what He wanted me to say when I got up here and figured that that's exactly what was going to happen. You know, that I was going to say what I was supposed to say and tell my story. And it, you know, it just is what it is.

And what's really neat is that I know that I'm enough today and I'm good enough because of this program and.

And all of you are so wonderful, you know, I just wish for everyone defined all of the healing that they need through the working the steps and to don't give up before the miracle happens. You know, that's one thing about me is I never would give up. Even though I was miserable at times, there was always this idea. I always had hope. I always had hope that it could get better.