The Pacific National Regional Convention in Edmonton, Alberta

Main speaker for this evening who has traveled from San Jose, CA. This is Bev.

And Beverly, I am an addict.

There I am.

OK, let's start again. I'm Beverly. I'm an addict. And Cedric finally realized who the hell I was,

I said.

I hate when I wave at men and they kind of look at me like

kind of like, do you want me in a man's or do I owe you one?

Where do I know you from

anyhow? I am. I'm truly honored to be here

and

I'm clean purely by the grace of loving God and the fellowship of Cocaine Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, anything that ends with an A or starts with an A or except the DA and

and I haven't had to go there for a long time.

Last Monday I celebrated 20 years.

Thank you for your time.

That's a fucking miracle. Yeah, that's right.

You know, those newcomers that are sitting in this room, you're probably sitting there and thinking, now what could this lady possibly have to tell me? And the people who know me know I have a lot to tell.

Kenny said he was going to sit up here and if I miss anything, he'll fill it in. And Donna's been my sponsee for almost 18 years now, and she's probably heard my chair more times than I've told it. And

so, and as you notice, my voice sounds really funny. So I've been in my room all afternoon sleeping, hoping that I would have a voice tonight.

But what I know is that it doesn't make any difference what the voice sounds like, that I only have one story, you know, and

I got to tell this quick little story. Where's the guy from Bothell that says Bethel?

You missed it. You left the elevator 5 minutes before the miracle yesterday.

He doesn't know this, but he and I were on the elevator together yesterday and there was these two guys. I mean a guy and two girls and a little kid

and he had on his,

you know, his little badge thing. And so the girl looks at him and she says, what are you here for?

And he says, oh, I'm here with Cocaine Anonymous, She goes.

And they froze in the elevator

and he got to his floor and he got off. The minute he got off, they started laughing

and and she goes, did you hear what he said, Cocaine Anonymous? Well, now kind of program is that, you know, and they looked and then they realized I was talking to him

and I realized I was outnumbered,

you know, and, and so they said, what's Cocaine Anonymous? And I said, it's a 12 step program, you know, like Alcoholics Anonymous. And they go

and I'm thinking, thank God we only got one floor to go, you know, and, and so then they looked at me and they said, oh, is there a meth anonymous? We're rednecks. We think meth Anonymous,

they said. They said we can't fucking afford cocaine.

I said neither could we.

And they got off the elevator and I said we'll let you come in and out, you know, And I was just like, Oh my God, this is so cool. You know, I mean like, of course I don't understand anybody who's never heard of a 12 step program, you know, although I had never heard of one when I got here.

So any I was supposed to share a little bit about what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. And what it was like for me is that

I grew up in a home with a mother who, who I didn't know when she reached out, if she was reaching out to hug me or to hit me,

you know, I, she would say things like, if you're going to act like that, go to your room, you know, and, and then she would hit me and she would say, you know, what are you crying for? I'll give you something to cry about, you know, and, and when I came here, I didn't know how to cry in front of you because of that, you know, and, and so I grew up not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, then enough, anything enough, you know, if my hair was the right color, then I weighed too much. And if I lost weight

than I should have got better grades, you know. And it was,

thank you. It was always something.

All my cold pills are going to kick in any minute and I'll be nodding out of here.

Of course, as I go on, you'll know that I'm used to doing that in front of groups of people.

Anyhow, I, I, I grew up and I married my high school sweetheart and, and we had everything, you know, I had that if only picture that a lot of people say, if only I had a house, the white picket fence, my life would be fine, you know, and I had that if only picture and I still was not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, anything enough, you know,

this fucking gaping hole in my gut. And I kept trying to fill that hole with outside things. I kept thinking, you know, if I just weighed the right amount of weight, you know, then I'd be happy. If my kids just were popular in school, I'd be happy, you know, if I just did the right things, I'd be happy. If my old man just said I love you every hour on the hour, I'd be happy, You know, It was always something that I needed out here to make me OK inside,

you know? And nothing out there could ever make me happy or OK for any length of time,

you know? And So what happened was I was married to that man for 13 years and we got a divorce.

My ex-husband is a highway patrolman. And,

and so when he left, what I thought was, you know, all of a sudden I realized I was going to be a single mother of two boys. My boys were like in fifth grade and 3rd grade when we split up and I was teaching school. And

so I had this thought that any moment Prince Charming was going to come riding across my doorstep, you know, and life was going to get good and I was going to be happy, you know. And what happened was a lot of toads came across my doorstep, you know, Prince Charming never quite made it. And, and So what happened was I started hanging out in clubs, you know, I started going to clubs on Friday night and drinking a lot

and

pretty soon as Friday and Saturday night,

and it was Thursday, Friday and Saturday night,

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday night, you know, and the week just kept getting longer. And,

and so I'd hang out in the clubs and, and I was, you know, looking for him

and I knew that once I met him, my life would be fine. And, and one night I was in the club and I met him and he spent the night and moved in the next day.

And what I found out about him was that he was snorting cocaine occasionally on holidays,

And

the holidays started getting closer together, you know? And he kept saying, you know, baby, you ought to check this out. And I kept saying, I can't do that. I'm a teacher, you know, and that shit's illegal. And one day he said, you know, baby, I'd never do anything that would hurt you. And I said pass the straw,

you know, And for the next six months we snorted cocaine occasionally on weekends, like everyone and,

and about you know, six months later, we're sitting in the park one day

playing dominoes and drinking 40s. And he said, you know, you can smoke this stuff. And I said, no, I can't do that. I'm a teacher and that shits illegal. And,

and he said, well then I'll leave you. And I said, OK, So he left me and he left for about 48 hours, which was about as long as I could ever stand it, you know? And when he came back, he brought everything with him and he looked me in the eye and he said, baby, you know, I'd never do anything that would hurt you. And I said, pass the pipe. And for the first time in my life, I was smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, anything enough. And that hole in my gut was filled, you know,

and what I did for the next 4 1/2 years is I chased what I felt that night. You know, Narcotics Anonymous has a saying about the getting and using and finding Ways and Means to getting used more. And that's exactly what happened to me for the next 4 1/2 years. You know, at that point in my life, I was showing up at school every day. I was teaching students at my, I was paying my bills on time. I had a home, I had a car in the driveway. My kids went to school every day and I was a respected citizen in my community,

you know, But what quickly happened is all those morals went right down the drain. You know, pretty soon teaching wasn't supporting my habit, so I took out another job of shoplifting and

that wasn't supporting my habits. I started turning tricks and that was in supporting my habits. So I took on a second job of working in juvenile hall and I was letting the kids get loaded on weekends. You know, what I know is that from the minute I hit that base pipe, you know, my life changed. Now you hear people say all the time, you know, I don't know if I was born an addict, you know? Well, what I know is the minute I hit that base pipe, an attic was born,

you know, and

it was just fucking insane. You know, I would stay up four and five nights in a row freebasing cocaine and then go to teach students the next morning and I would come home, drink 1/2 pint of Brandy and go off to teach students. You know, about 9:30, the cocaine would wear off, the alcohol would kick in, and I'd be like,

how long was I out?

And they'd say, well, a few minutes, Mrs. Cushing

and

I was teaching junior high school students. I figured they're getting better dope than me anyhow, so it was the problem

and

I absolutely believed that I had narcolepsy.

It it never dawned on me that people didn't stay up four and five nights in a row freebasing cocaine and drink Alpine a branding go off and teach students, you know, And at lunchtime, I would go home and drink another half pint of Brandy and smoke a joint to make it through the afternoon. And by 2:15, I was telling my students how they could sneak off school grounds early and, and I was right back at the connections house doing the same fucking thing over again, you know,

and the teachers get paid once a month. And so

I would get my paycheck and I would stand in the line at the bank and I'd be standing there at the paycheck in my hand. And, and I would be going, you know, I'm going to pay my bills. I'm going to pay my bills. I'm going to buy some food for the kids. I'm going to make the house payment, you know, and the little voice in my head would say just buy 1/2,

you know, and cashed a check in and the next morning the check was gone. And I go, how the fuck did that happen? I'm not fucking stupid. I'm a teacher,

you know. But what I know is that I suffer from a disease that once I take something, I can't guarantee when I'm going to quit. You know, I can't love my kids enough to quit. I can't love my parents enough to quit. I can't love my job enough to quit. I can't even love me enough to quit

because I suffer from a disease that once I take something, I absolutely have no control over the next one.

And so right away when that would happen, the little voice in my head would go, that's OK Bev in three days of child support check will be here and then it'll be OK. Then you'll pay your bills. Three days later there was a child support check. I'd be back at the bank. You stand there at the check and then say, OK, now I'm going to make a house payment. I'm going to pay the PG&E,

I'm gonna buy some food. There'll be no money left to get loaded. And the little voice in my head would say, well, you fucked off the other check. Why don't you just buy 1/4 ounce? Sell some, smoke some,

you'll be fine.

And by the end of the day, it was gone too. You know,

Stu talked about it last night. I became my own best customer. You know, I kept cutting the dope and, you know, so, so it was absolutely insane. And what happened was between Christmas on New Year's Eve, 1984 turned into 1985, my ex-husband, I call my ex-husband on the phone and I said, will you buy me out of the house

because I can't do this. And he said, OK, I'll buy you out of the house. But with the house goes custody of the kids. And and there was that little bit of mom left inside of me, that little bit of mom that knew that the men I was hanging out with is not who I wanted my kids to be like. You know, I hang out with men who like to beat my ass on a regular basis. My oldest son used to stand between me and them and protect me. And he had become the parent in the house,

you know, and,

and so I was like, OK, cool, that's fine. So what happened was he had to go through the whole procedure of getting the house refinanced and all this stuff. And during the time he did that, I was like, OK, as soon as I get that money, I'm going to get an apartment. I'm going to get my kids back. I'm going to get right, you know, because see, it was your fault. If you'd quit knocking on my door at 4:00 in the morning for 1/4, I'd be fine,

you know, it was the police's fault, it was the kids fault, it was the old man's fault. It was always everybody's fault out here, but it was never mine, you know,

and, and So what happened was the first thing he did was he gave me a check for $10,000 and I went to the bank and I was going to put it in a savings account. And that little voice came up again. And the little voice says just go to Oakland and buy 1/2 ounce and then tomorrow you'll get an apartment. And what happened was I went through $20,000 in 2 1/2 weeks.

And what I know is during that 2 1/2 weeks, I was doing the same thing I'd done when I had no money.

I was still turning tricks. I was still boosting, I was still ripping and running. Because, see, cocaine is not my problem. If you're sitting in this room and you think cocaine is your problem, you're wrong. Get a sponsor, work the steps. You might find out who the real problem is.

Cocaine and alcohol, Heroin. We

quaaludes masculine. They ain't my problem. I'm the problem. They're my solution,

see, and as long as they're my solution, then I keep going to the solution, you know, and, and So what happened was I ended up with no money. I ended up with no place to live. My oldest son came to live with me. I was driving down the street one day, I saw this empty house and he and I just moved in. You know, when I had about two years clean my, I looked at my police report and it said transient. And I was like, I don't know, fucking transient.

I had a house.

Now I don't know whose house it was and I don't know how long we could stay. But what I know is at the end of my using, if you had it and I wanted it, you were just holding on to it until I got it,

you know, and and that's just, my life was like was insane. So what happened was I went to the mall one last time and I grabbed a sweater off a rack and I put it in my in a bag and I walked out the door and I sat down and I'd never done that before. And security came and I was arrested and I went to jail and,

and, you know, I called everybody I knew and nobody came to bail me out. All those friends we have that say we'll always be there for you weren't and

done. And so the next morning they said I had a visitor and it was my brother and my brother was six years clean and living in San Jose. And he came and he said I'll bail you out if you'll go with me right now to a rehab. I don't know about you, but when I'm in jail and somebody wants to bail me out, I'll go anywhere with them,

bar none. I'm gone, you know? So I what I knew about rehabs was when you're sitting around getting loaded,

realize that Kenny ain't there no more. And you say, well, where's Kenny? Well, Kenny went to rehab and you go right on back to smoking,

you know, probably because Kenny ain't smoking none of your shit, you know. But what I also knew was the people I got loaded with, rehab was just a place to go get your look good on, you know, so I wasn't looking too good. And so I was like, cool with that. I'll just go to rehab, I'll get my look good on and I'll just go back out and keep doing it again,

you know, And I was looking at doing a year and a half. I had a failure to appear. I had well over $150.00 worth of bad checks in the D as office and most of them weren't written on my checking account because I didn't have one and

and I had the petty self charge and I had contributed delinquency of minors in a lockdown facility charge. And so I went to this treatment program in Santa Cruz.

And I was doing 30 days there and I was going back and forth and what happened was, you know, they had these meetings every night. And, and so people would come and they would talk about, you know, they had six months clean and they talked about getting their cases dismissed. And along with that, they would say, if you want what we have to offer. Well, I wanted what they had to offer. I wanted my case dismissed,

you know, And so

I started, like, watching them, you know, and listening to what they were saying, you know, and they would talk about having a sponsor and they would talk about, you know, they went to this meeting over here the other day or last night. I was at that meeting. I got to figuring it out in my head, you know, because like, I heard you say that same thing last night. Nobody had to tell me how to do nothing. The first time I turned a trick. I didn't ask the home girls, you know, like how much should I charge?

I threw out a price, he paid it and I said, cool, next time I charge more. You know,

you just learn. You know, the first time I boosted, I didn't go in the store and go, well, Lucy, how do I do this? You know, it was, it's natural.

It came to me like putting my pants on in the morning, you know, it was easy. See, and

I remember being in that treatment program and,

and so one of my counselors said to me one day, he said, Beth, do you think everybody steals alcohol? Because I used to like stop at the grocery store and steal a pint of Brandy. And he said, do you think everybody steals alcohol? And I went, no, only the smart ones.

And he's like, and I'm like, well, why should I pay for anything that I can steal, you know? See, that shit made sense to me now. Now, how I was a teacher on one hand and thinking like that on the other hand, there might be a little something wrong with my thinking,

you know, but so, so anyhow, it's in this treatment program as they're about 20 days and,

and I had two counselors in the same to ask me if I'd gotten a sponsor. And I was like, no, I don't want a sponsor. I, I still have 10 days left to go. And, and they said, no, babe, you need to find somebody has something you want. And I said, well, there's a few guys around here that have something I want. And they said no guys work with guys and girls work with girls, you know, and,

and what I know is that on March 28th, 1985, the only thing that happened for me is I quit doing drugs and alcohol.

But all of the attitudes and behaviors and everything else came with me to the program. You know, I didn't stop lying, cheating, stealing or doing any of that stuff. You know what I know is that anything that scared me enough, I stopped doing so. So what happened was this girl pulled up and she's secretary to Friday night meeting and she had blonde hair and blue eyes and she was about a size 3

and I'd always wanted to be a size 3.

I still do, but

I, I can't work the steps hard enough to make it happen. So

I so any, I asked her to be my sponsor, you know, and what I thought was that I would be able to manipulate her, you know, she looked real innocent. And I thought, oh, this is cool. I got it made here, you know, and I made everybody happy. But what this woman would do is she as I got out and I would start going to meetings,

she was at every meeting I went to. I thought what is this bitch's problem?

Why does she follow me to every meeting I go to,

You know, and so back in those days, you used to be able to smoke comedians and, and you still may in some states, but you can't in Santa Cruz for sure. And and so you know how everybody, as soon as the speaker's done, everybody jumps up and runs outside to the patio recovery.

Well, I tried that one time. You know, I went outside and she followed me outside and she said

I said what? She said, what are you doing? I said I'm smoking.

She said, well, you can smoke in there. I said, well, I'm out here getting some fresh air. Of course, all the men were out there too. But,

and she said, Beth, while you're out here smoking, the words that may save your life for the rest of your life might be spoken in that room and you will miss it. And she said, Beth, when you were getting loaded, if you're sitting around the room and you ran out of cigarettes, did you like leave people in your room and run down to the 711 and get some cigarettes? I was like, fuck no, you know. And she said, well, you don't get to do that here,

you know? And she would say other stupid things to me, like, you know,

she said to me one day, Beth, did you get loaded at 7:00 in the morning? I said, yeah, I did. She said, good, There's a 7:00 AM meeting. Be at it,

she said. Did you get loaded at 9:30? I said, yeah, I did. She said, good, there's a 9:30 meeting, Be at it. Did you get loaded at noon? I said yes. She said, good, there's a noon meeting. Be at it, she said, and did you get loaded at six? I said yes. She said, good, there's a 6:00 meeting, be at it. And she said, how about eight? I'm like,

good, there's no clock meaning be added and what time did you go to the club? And I'd say Tench say good, there's a 10:00 meeting, be at it, you know, and I was like only one fucking day.

No, they said 90 meetings and 90 days. They didn't say nothing about 5 a day, you know, and and she said, Bell, check this out. If you got loaded at 7 and the connection came by at 9:30, would you tell him, Oh no, I just got loaded at 7:00?

No, she said. Good. Then you don't get to say that here either.

So she had me going to these five meetings a day and and somebody in the meetings because they knew I was getting ready to do a year and a half because I figured I was going for sure. Somebody in the media told me to go get a stenopad and start writing down the meeting I went to and get the secretary to sign it off. So you know, now they have cards for you. How easy can it be? And, you know, you can steal somebody else's whatever.

And so I would do that, and I would put it up there. And so she was in a meeting one night and she said, Bev, I noticed that every time you go to a meeting, you put your little pad up there and get it signed off. And I said, yeah, somebody told me to do that for the judge. And she said, well, from now on you only get to do that when you're doing service work.

I said nobody said no shit like that

and she said well Beth check this out. I hate it when she said check this out. I knew I was in trouble and she said if the connection said he was going to be holding at 8:00, what time did you get to his house?

7:30 She said good you can get here at 7:30 and put up chairs then you can get your little paper sign. She said and if you know like dope was going around did you just like cop and leave? And I said no. And she said, good, then you get to hang out here afterwards and she said, while you're at it, get 2 phone numbers at every meeting you go to.

And I looked around the room, I'm like, which one of these motherfuckers are their phone numbers? You know, I thought you're all a bunch of lops. So, so the little voice in my head that was going to five meetings a day, said Bev. If everybody in here was the connection, how many phone numbers would you have at the end of the meeting?

So I started getting two. And, you know, So what happened was she said to me that if, you know, if I just got my meeting slip signed at every meeting, I went to them when I didn't need to get it signed anymore, I was going to need to come to Cocaine Anonymous for me. I was going to have any reason to be here. See. And she said the people who do service work, like Nakoma was standing up here like you see Jim doing and you see John doing, you know, you know those people by name,

those people get a connection around here. You know, you were my new connection and I better have a new connection or I was going to go back to the old connection.

It was as simple as that, you know, because I don't know about you, but somebody mentioned my connections phone number one time. In fact, they dialed it and I watched it over their shoulder and they never had to tell me that number again.

But I couldn't remember my sponsor's phone number,

you know? And now I get sponsees around here and I tell them, well, I want you to make a willingness call. Call me every day for 30 days. They call for about 5 days and they stop.

Then I'll see him in a meeting. They'll say you never call me back.

You know what my sponsor said when I said that to her? She said you don't have anything I want.

She said I've got what you want, come and get it. She said. Put half as much effort into getting ahold of me as you did into getting ahold of the connection, and you'll never have to get loaded again,

you know? See, she spoke to me in a language I understood.

Now, you know, they don't usually ask me to speak at speaker meetings like this because I haven't learned to stop saying fuck. And,

and I was really glad that they didn't ask me to read that thing before. So I knew I wasn't at Narcotics Anonymous, that's for sure. But

you know, what I know is that my life keeps getting better. What I know is that when I got here, if somebody would have been Susie fucking Homemaker

and said, well, it'd be really nice if you wanted to work the first step and you'd call me once in a while, I'd be like, fuck that bitch. You know, I needed somebody who talked to me on a level that I could understand, you know, and along the same lines, she absolutely loved me. You know, I learned from that sponsor how to show up on time.

I learned from that sponsor how to be responsible. I learned from that sponsor that when I made a commitment to meet her at 7:00 at night, I was there at 7:00. I got sponsees. Now that'll call and say, oh, you know, I'm not going to be able to make it today. They only say that one time because you know what? I don't need to make it with you next time.

See, there's somebody out there who really wants what I have to offer and maybe there isn't. Maybe I'm not the sponsor for everybody. I'm OK with that.

See, what I know is that I don't ever want to think that I have anything more important to say than Cocaine Anonymous. I don't ever. I used to work. I worked in treatment for 10 years. I used to sit in meetings and clients would come and they'd be like, oh, Bev, can you come outside with me? He left me again.

I'd be like, no,

I can't do that, but you're more than welcome to come in and sit next to me and I'll hold you through that meeting.

See, The thing is, is that if I go outside with you, I might miss the message and I might be loaded tomorrow.

See, and what I know real clearly is I don't have anything more important than Cocaine Anonymous to say.

You know, I am not that profound,

you know. Check this out.

What was your name, honey? Nate. Nate, I want you to pick up that book that you got today. And I want you to go home and every night for a week, I want you to pick a little paragraph and you read it until you got it memorized. And I want you to go to an, A, a meeting next week and raise your hand and quote it,

Paige, and quote everybody go fuck.

They'll be like Nate. I want what you have.

Oh man, he's so look at he's just a baby and he already knows the whole fucking book.

What I know is that all you have to do is just quote it and come in and talk about it.

You know, I used to sit in meetings and they would talk about this on this page and this on that page and

and I would write it on my hand and then I would go home and read it. And my second sponsor taught me about the book. My second sponsor, when I would call her, she would say things to me like the answers in the book, look for it. And I would be like, can you tell me what chapter?

So

my brother got me to read the book too. He's I was telling him one day I said, you know, Gary, I don't see anywhere in the book where it says that you can't get in a relationship in your first year of recovery. And he said it's in there. Just keep reading.

So I, I read some more about a week later I told him again, Gary, I, I don't see where it says anything about you can't get in a relationship in your first year recovery. And he said, I think it's in the 12 and 12. Read that

and actually what it is, it's in the 12th

step and it says don't make any major decisions in your first year recovery. And so I told him that and I said, well, it says don't make any major decisions and not being in a relationship is a major change in my life. And he said, well, Gee, Beth, how long did your last relationship last? And I said, well, couple hours if you had enough money.

So

you know, what happened was my life just started getting better.

I don't have a clue. I'm all right, OK, My life just started getting better. So I had about four months clean when I went in to for sentencing and and when I went to court, what I got was two days. And what I got to find out in those two days was I got to find out I don't look good in orange,

doesn't match my hair color. And, and I got to find out I never want to be shackled again.

And I never want to be strip searched again. And I never want somebody to tell me what time I'm eating breakfast, lunch or dinner again, you know, and I just never want to have to go back and be humiliated like I was in those two days, you know, and, and I haven't had to do that. I haven't had a man put his hands on me in 20 years. That's a fucking miracle.

My son has not had to stand between me and a man to stop him from hitting me in 20 years. That's a miracle. I haven't sat in the back of a police car in 20 years. That's a miracle. You know, see all these things I get as a result of working the steps of Cocaine Anonymous, you know, as a result of working steps, as a result of having the sponsor tells me things to do that I take her direction, my life starts getting better.

So as my life started getting better, you know, that mother I talked about, she got cancer when I had about two years clean.

And so she was operated on it, Kaiser Hospital on Broadway and MacArthur in Oakland. And I used to turn tricks on Broadway and MacArthur and, and I had a therapist who said to me, Beth, what is it about the situation that could get you loaded? And I said, I don't want to get loaded. And he said, that's not what I asked you. He said, I asked you, what is it about this situation that can get you loaded? And I said, I don't want to get loaded. And he said, Bev, I don't think you wanted to get loaded for a long time before you came here.

And I got to learn that I didn't want to get loaded, but I had no tools for not getting loaded.

What I got to learn was that here you had given me tools, you know, So I called the hotline, and I got phone numbers of meetings. And I started showing up in those meetings, you know, and people said, I'll come and I'll sit with you at the hospital. You know, what I got to learn around here was I never have to do anything alone, you know? And when I was five years clean, my mother passed away. And the last word she said was, I love you and I'm proud of you. And I had waited 45 years to hear those words.

You know,

when I was two years clean, my youngest son stood up at a meeting. I was chairing a Christmas Eve meeting in Santa Cruz. And, and we hadn't spent holidays together for a long time. And he kept raising his hand. He was 16 years old. He kept raising his hands. I finally called on him. There's about 100 people sitting in the room. And, and he stood up and he said, I'm Brad and I'm Bev's son. And I'd like to thank the people and Alcoholics Anonymous for giving me back my mother because I love her.

He said I'd loved her when she was using. But you have made her someone different. And I didn't even know you had, you know, I didn't even know that my life had changed. I didn't even know it had gotten better. See, because I'm an addict. And inside of me is that person, that disease that wants me to still think I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough. You know, my disease is not cocaine or alcohol. My disease is I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough. That's my disease. And anytime my disease can function

or get me to believe the lie to be the truth, it's got me. See, So what I know is that inside of me is a little, you know, there's an addict with a blackboard, and there's a recovering person with a blackboard. And what I know is that every time I do something for my recovery, the recovering person puts a little mark on the blackboard, you know? But every time I tell a lie or I steal something, or I don't have time to show up, or I make a promise that I'm going to be somewhere and I don't show up there,

the little attic person puts a mark on the blackboard, see. But what I don't know, I don't know how many marks it takes here

to compensate for here. You know, I don't know how many marks I need on the recovering side to keep me clean tomorrow. So I better be doing something today to keep me clean today.

You know, I better be either walking in my recovery or I'm walking in my relapse, You know. So that same son, I got to watch him practice his disease for the next seven years. And when I had nine years clean, he called me from Santa Rosa County Jail and he said, mom, I'm in jail. Will you come and bail me out?

My support group said no.

I said, Brad, I can't do that. And he said, but mom, I don't belong here. And I said, Gee, Brad, when you get in general population check, nobody in jail belongs there.

And he said, but mom, I was set up. And I said, Brad, when you get in general population check, everybody in jail was set up. And, and I left him there for four days. And I went to every meeting I could get to, you know, and there was people like Steve G who was there, you know, and John was around and stuff. And they all knew that I was going to bring the sun with me.

And then I went, you know, the day that he got released and I went there and I said, Brad, I'll give you 2 choices. I'll just buy you a one way bus ticket back to Humboldt County and you keep carrying guns and slinging dope. Or you can come with me to Santa Cruz and you can clean up. Either way, know that I love you. You can never call me from jail again. And being a good addict, he thought about it for about four hours.

And

he ended up going with me from Santa Cruz, you know, to Santa Cruz. And the next morning, I took him with me to a meeting. And I stood up and everybody knew me. I worked in treatment. Everybody in town knew me. And I stood up in this meeting and I said, this is my son Brad. This is his first meeting. And I said, I can't work his program. What I need is for you to treat him like you would treat every other newcomer in this town. And don't treat him like my son,

you know? And what happened was people started taking him by the hand and taking him off to meeting my friend Joel back there, got him his first job.

And, you know, I mean, I have people in this room that I love more than anything in the world. Joel came here from Phoenix to hear me today. You know

my life is good. Nobody came across the street to hear me when I was getting loaded

because all I was talking about was a front.

You know,

my life is good. My son called me earlier. He just moved to Phoenix and.

And he's taking my grandkids and

but it's a lot better than where he was working at his second job, which was an adult video store. He's worked in a bank for nine years. And this is a kid who couldn't hold down a job. He'd been fired from 32 jobs before he ever got here, you know, And he was on his way to a meeting in Phoenix and and he said, Mom, just call me and put me on the loudspeaker, you know, of your phone and I'll just share the meeting for you, you know, and