Bill L. from Dunellen, NJ and Mike L. from West Orange, NJ doing the resentment inventory (pages 65- 67) at a Big Book step workshop in West Orange, NJ

I don't know if I think Mike had said this at one time. I thought it was very cool that the first column deals with physical stuff, the physical world around us. It's in the tips. The second column deals with our thinking, the mental aspect of how we sort of mentally look at these things. The third column deals with our emotions, how our emotions are affected. And the 4th column deals with the spirit and the truth and the spiritual aspect of what's going on here. So it's interesting because again,

these inventories are very thorough and very to the root of our problem and deal with all aspects of us, the physical, the mental, the emotional and the spiritual. So it's kind of interesting.

Another statement that we thought we'd impress you with that would be tip #14

2:00 AM. Yeah, that was when he was snorting coffee grounds.

We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we when we were finished, we considered it the 1st 3 columns carefully.

Homework assignment including myself.

Make a list of all the people,

institutions, or principals that you're currently pissed off at or resentful or or whatever that little tweak that happens inside. They're not doing what I want them to be doing. On and on and on.

And so, Mike, I've also said, I thought that I've stolen

some people are like, well, I haven't seen that person in 10 years. I don't even know if I'm pissed at them anymore. And a good question to ask is, let's say you were walking down the street and you ran into them. Would you get that sent that that tweak of I'm really uncomfortable about seeing them, then you probably have resentment put it down. So that's a good barometer, so to speak.

Sorry to interrupt. And then take a look at the second column and write down

and write down it exactly what they have done. Or

it's hard for me

sometimes it's hard for me to explain inventory like I would to a newcomer because I know the truth about this deal. So what I want to say now and what I will say now is that the second column is for me to write down what I think they did to me to piss me off. And I even find out later on that that becomes a lot. But nonetheless,

if we can do you know, unless this is like, if you're like me,

my second

for me, I guess the first three or four or four steps I did. And again, Bill and I shoot from the angle of we like to go through the first nine steps while living in 1011 and 12. And and I like to go through the steps on an annual or semi annual basis. And, and I've been doing that ever since I was, I don't know, three or four years sober,

but

about 2 1/2 years laps for my first inventory to my second inventory.

So

the the size of the inventory increased, you know, plus I was pretty much brain dead when I did my first one anyway. So a lot of names and the second one popped up that could have been or possibly should have been. I don't want to say that they could have been on the 1st inventory. I was just not awake enough to see it, you know? And luckily, in the meantime, those resentments didn't drag my butt out and kill me. So

what happened to me the the first three or four times writing inventory was that the, the list increased.

So, so I, I know a lot of people their first inventory have like 100 names or 50 names or, or, or whatever, you know, so maybe you're only going to be able to, to complete the 1st 2 columns with within the, the next week. The important thing is, you know, to, to make a beginning and, and to make an effort. And what I'm inventory it discipline is extremely important for me because

I am, I am extremely undisciplined person, especially when it comes to inventory writing. And I need to set a certain amount of time per day. And I usually like to try to take an hour. And you know, lately the mornings just work better for me. And this is just my own personal thing. If I wait till the end of the night, I always have the excuse that,

you know, Melrose Place or something is on or, or, or I'm just tired or tonight would be a good night to pick a fight with the wife, you know, and,

and my ego wants to really do things to, to Get Me Out of writing inventory.

And it's, it's interesting to watch that. So when I'm in this phase of our development, I like to include this as as part of my morning prayer and meditation.

And, and then the third column on these particular sheets, we, we just have check marks. If you're doing it in, in a notebook, you can write out the seven areas of self that are affected. I usually find now on on average. And again, I've been doing this for a while.

I find that on an average, five out of the seven areas of self are usually effective for each resentment. I usually hit five out of seven, about seven out of seven. Yeah. And a friend of ours calls that a Full Monty or a wipeout, you know, and quite often that happens as well. Are there any questions?

Great. We must explain that pretty well until Herb had a question.

After we do this, what's the format going forward with the?

Are we just going to keep reading chapters? Are we going to

kind of do not necessarily expose what this is in front of the group, but how are we going to check ourselves? We're going to,

I would say within two, two weeks, 3 weeks tops, we'll have our four steps completed and then

hopefully the same week that we wrap up inventory in the book. As far as direction wise, we can touch on their directions for the 5th step. And then that'll give you ammunition to go ahead and, and share your fist up with your sponsor or, or members of the group or however you want to do it, whether it be one-on-one fish step or multiple fish steps where you do several one on ones.

And then we like to suggest six and seven and even 8 in the same evening as as your 5th step. And then and then start a start immense from there. Once we get past inventory, I see as far as weeks go, 5-6 and seven. And I, I was just kind of straight on four on four is how, how you know, I don't know about everybody else I've written, but I've never gone through the experience. So I may be a little bit

everybody you asked before whether anybody had written. Well, I have written, but I'm here, you know, start from scratch to rewrite it. But I've never taken it through. So I'm just I got a question about how do I check myself in terms of what I I don't get it. You've never done a fist step or I I don't, I'm a first time. Except I rode everything before I got there.

OK. I was just wondering what's expected and going forward, right.

Well, if you choose to as far

as far as I think is what's going to happen is that the for anyone who wants to write inventory in the group, they're going to do that. You know, and if if you feel your current and you don't need to do that.

I came here to learn more than what I did. But I mean, I saw it go through the exercise, but I'm just for me, because it's the first time never having really explained it to anybody. You know, I'm just looking about how do I check, you know, what I'm, what I'm doing here because I mean, today I understand what you're having us do with the format,

but tomorrow, I mean, the next time we sit down, I don't know, Do we go through any examples or what do we do? Yeah. Well, Bill and I will probably give a couple of examples and maybe even take a few from the floor

next week. I, I see what you're saying. So you, you want to know if if if you if you can come with some juicy stuff for an example? No,

I'm trying to check myself to make sure I'm I'm get I'm doing it.

In other words, part of the problem when we go through analyzing self, as it were in the way of ourselves. Right, right. You're trying to get us out of the way. OK. And so how do I know when I'm out of the way? Do I just know

or do I have to like share something in order to, you know, get through and understand whether I'm still blocking myself? How about we address this afternoon? And yeah, 'cause I, I was, I was just wondering if there was a group dynamic here. So

that's all I was just trying to figure out was in the next couple of weeks what we're doing this, you know, is there a group dynamic if not then that's do you have an answer for that? I'm not sure that I'm 100% clear on the question.

Whomever there shouldn't be a dynamic

related to what he brags, right? Or if there's something that's not too risky that maybe you can throw that you would want to throw out to the group as you want to see some deeper insight. Somebody could do that. If you don't do that, that's, I mean, I wasn't expecting that to happen. But if somebody having difficulty with a certain thing, but that's the kind of thing that you would share in your first step and then who you're doing your 5th step with would help you drill out perhaps other things or see a deeper truth or whatever. And if you don't,

if you don't have someone outside,

sorry, if you don't have someone outside the meeting who's taking you through this, I think you're in big, big trouble,

you know. So if that's what you mean by by checking yourself, I think it's real important for us to be working with a sponsor or someone who's taken us through the steps, whether it be someone from this group or Bill and I or whatever, just because we're kind of playing leader of the group or or whatever, because you know, the, the books not talking for itself.

I, I think it's also important that you're working really close with someone if you have any questions.

And again, you know, we have those phone lists, don't we? And you can call me up. I'm sure you can call Bill or, or, or what have you.

I'm just remembering that when I did the first time with my sponsor that I had a lot of questions while I was doing the inventory, the whole 4th step. I had questions and it I worked on it for maybe six weeks. I thought it was ready. I'd call him up and he said you're not ready and I'm incorrected me and he said, you know,

if not done deep enough and have you thought of this and thought of that night? I just had questions I didn't know what to do with completely.

We didn't do it together. I still did it that he was very careful to say, you know, this is this is your your work here. But then when he considered that, I was finally read and I of course thought I'd been ready a long time. We took almost a whole day, like six hours and sat down and then I went through the entire

in the 5th step. So when you had feedback, I had feedback and that was that was useful. And I think you either have a sponsor now that you can do that with it

pick somebody here that that you decide to do it with.

So, you know, again, we'll

try to do the first first three columns between this week and next. And then next week maybe we'll take a couple examples

and then we'll we'll get into the direction.

Yeah. Unless you have a huge inventory. Yeah,

but I'm pretty sure unless I'm in delusion, that that I can get through the 1st 3 columns. But again, if you can't, then that's fine.

I we'll cover directions for the 4th column next week and I think we'll have enough time to

get into fears and I don't know if we want to it. It kind of depends on the flow of the group. If we get in the to sex, it harms inventory next week, but we'll definitely cover the 4th column of resentment inventory and we'll get into

directions for fair inventory next week. And you know, this is a process that that will transform our lives. So it needs to be a certain commitment and a certain motivation that what I'd like to suggest is to write every day.

Mike had said about the night thing. I encourage people to do it at night because sometimes we get up in the morning or late. We're not able to do it. We can't do it at work. We can't do it as soon as we get home. We can't do it until the kids go to sleep and just before we go to sleep. We can usually put out 20 minutes or half hour, an hour or whatever to do some riding. So we need to make this a priority and set aside time every day to try to do some riding or else the riding will fall behind.

Yeah, I don't have to be at work until 11:00 in the morning. So I sometimes forget that they're actually nine to five hours out there, but that that's all I have to share for this week.

God, thank you for yesterday. Thank you for today. Thank you for tomorrow. Thank you for keeping us sober. And please help me. Please help us to do your will.

I know, I know.

Hi everybody. I'm scared. Football. I'm Native American alcoholic. That's a joke. 64 Somebody had said that to a friend of mine. This girl that I know was said something about me and they said, I think I know who you're talking about. And they and she said to him, well, what's your name or what's his name? And they said it's some Indian name. And she goes, you need barefoot Bill. And she goes, yeah, that's it.

And then a couple weeks ago, somebody called me Footless Bill. So that's new too.

Definitely a member of the

Yeah, exactly. We're we're on page 64. We're the four step starts.

We had gotten into three columns of the resentment inventory and I just want to kind of quickly cover that. And then we're going to cover the 4th column and then we're going to give some examples or or maybe I'll cover the three columns for those of you that weren't here last week and then

we'll give an example and then we'll do the 4th column. I think that would sit better with me.

Like I said, we're on page 64.

I guess the the first full paragraph starts with, therefore we start to find a personal inventory. This was step four and then down toward,

I guess in the middle of the page, or let me just do the whole thing. It talks about a business inventory. It kind of gives us an example of business inventory. And then it says the one object is disclosed damage and saleable goods and to get rid of it promptly and without regret. Which is a good way of looking at the 4th and 5th step as well as the middle 6 steps there

if the owner of the business is to be successfully cannot fool himself about value. So we need to be fearless and thorough in doing this.

We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First we search out the floors in our makeup which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, not alcohol but self manifested in various ways was what it defeated us. We considered its its common manifestations like we saw in the third Step I where it said that any life run on self will can hardly be a success. It talked about turning our will in our life over to the care of a higher power

and this is reiterating it again, saying that self is what had defeated us.

Then it gets it's under resentment inventory

down toward the bottom of the page. It says we listed people, institutions or principles of whom we are angry. If you look in your packet,

the resentment inventory starts on page 9.

On page 8, there's a resentment inventory prompt sheet that lists people, institutions and principals just to kind of give you an idea and take your not familiar with and maybe some other ideas that you might not have thought of on your own

on the page before that seven, it gives definitions for words used in Step 4. So both of those will be useful tools and going through the inventory, especially the definitions part when we get to the third column would be good to have out as we do each of those columns.

So that's the first column, then the next line is the second column. We ask ourselves why we are angry

and then the third column starts. In most cases it was found there are self esteem, our pocketbooks or ambitions, our personal relations,

personal relationships, including sex, were hurt or threatened. So we were sore, we were burned up on our grudge list. We set opposite each name, our injuries. Was it our self esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal or sex relations which have been interfered with? So it talks about in the third column, what was hurt, threatened or interfered with,

and all those that I just mentioned. The most few senses are in the third column and there's even a 7th item which says pride on your inventory

and pride is given in the example in the middle of page 65 toward the bottom on the right. One of the words there says pride. So that's included in 3rd column as well. Then it gives us an example of the 1st 3 columns and then there's almost a full two page pause that occurs. But for me is one of the keys to the third step. It says, and I'm going to personalize this after doing the 1st 3 columns, which will give an example of in a in a minute. It says I went back through my life, nothing counted

and honesty when I was finished, I considered I considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. And that's describing the first two columns of resentment inventory to conclude that others are wrong was as far as I ever got, which is talking about column two. The usual outcome was that the people continued to wrong me column one and two and I stayed sore, which was column three. Sometimes it was remorse and then I was soared myself. So.

You'll notice there that part of the first column underneath the bold I am resentful at. It includes regrets because

as we said last week, the word resentment means to feel again or to refill. The word resent come from the word sentieri, which means to feel and put read in front of the word it means again. So the word recently means to feel again, which is a little bit of a different definition than the average person probably thinks of a resentment as just anger. But

if it's something that we're continually running through our mind that's bringing up some emotions, that would be a resentment. So that's why there are other words like being annoyed with people that let us down as we we feel it. That's that's a resentment. When we first feel it, that's just kind of maybe anger or disappointment or frustration. But then over a period of time when we keep refilling it, that's a resentment. And not only can we get free

and process, you know, angers or hatreds or or rages toward people where we can also inventory minor disruptions toward people, and we can be free of all that.

It says.

But the more I fought and tried to have my own way, the worst matters got. As a war that victor only seemed to win, my moments of triumph for sort lived.

Except that we also mentioned last week was that very often,

especially something that I've seen the resentment inventory is that very often the things that frustrate about, that frustrate us about other people are the things that we struggle with ourselves. And very often they are simply being a mirror for ourselves.

Also,

I've heard this really great description of resentment. That resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

Very often we have resentment toward people for years,

sometimes even after they're dead. These people are no longer thinking about us in that situation, and we're carrying around all this negative venom and this frustration and this anger for years and years and years and years and years. And who's who's losing there? You know what I mean? My my forgiving that person helps me.

My working through that resentment or the other person helps me. I'm not doing it necessarily for them. I'm doing it for me so I can get free of it because like it said back on page

64, it says resentment is a #1 offender. It destroys more Alcoholics than anything else. So it's not painting a happy picture of resentment. It's painting a picture of resentment that if we continue to carry resentment, we will never leave, go back to drinking because alcohol helps us with that. And you know, over the last bunch of months we've been discussing all that

it says my moments of triumphal short lived. It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness

to the precise extent that we permit these do. We squander the hours that may have been worthwhile. And then it continues, painting 8 or 9 or 10 pretty ugly pictures of what resentment does to us. And again, we get free. We try to work through this and get free of this stuff for ourselves. I, you know, a lot of people sometimes can't get with that whole concept of, well, they deserve for me to be angry at them.

Well, again, who's the person that's suffering through that? I'm suffering through that because I got this negative emotion bounce around

in in many cases that person is no longer even thinking about me. And maybe they are just a little bit or whatever. But you know, it's the kind of thing where I need to be free of that because the more resentment I have going on, the more I'm headed back toward the next drink. Then at the bottom of the page it says we turn back to the list for it held the key to the future. So it sounds like these last columns of the resentment inventory are pretty important if they hold the key to our future.

It says we were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. And in the original manuscript that said we must be prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people, column one, really dominated us. Column three, in that state, the wrongdoing of others. Column two, fancied or real, had the power to actually kill. Again, not painting a very happy picture of keeping resentments.

How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how we could not wish them away

any more than alcohol. This was our course. We realized that the people who wronged us, column one, were perhaps spiritually sick, though we did not like the symptoms. Column two, the way they treated us and the way they disturbed us, Column three, they, like ourselves, were sick too. So again, it's pointing out that when a person does something that harms somebody else, just like when I do something that harms somebody else, I'm spiritually blocked off. I don't like that expression. Spiritually sick, if you

changing a little bit of this, I don't think that our spirit can be sick. I think our spirit could be blocked off. I think that's why a 12 step says, having had a spiritual awakening, it's always been there, but now we awaken to the awareness of it,

but that any person who causes harm is spiritually blocked off. They're not reacting out of love. They're reacting out of selfishness. They're reacting out of fear and a a multitude of things based around fear, but that they like ourselves. And, and the more we see in this inventory, especially when we get to the harms inventory about the ways that we harm people,

the more we have an appreciation for the ways that we were blocked off and the things that we did to other people. And we begin to have a little bit more tolerance toward people who are perhaps

responding at a fear of selfishness or whatever that harm us because we can see that, you know what, in many cases, I did things a whole lot worse than some of the things that people have done to me. Another thing that's kind of interesting that I don't think was mentioned last week was that the one relationship that I harmed the most was my relationship with my higher power. Because every single time I ever harmed somebody, I harmed my relationship with my higher power. There's no one person that I harmed as much as my relationship with my higher power.

I guess you could say yourself, but it's kind of the same thing that you know

it. It's kind of interesting because

again, in in doing a bunch of 4th and 5th steps over the last few years and in working with a lot of people, you gain a real appreciation for the way our inner workings get us to do certain things to other people. You know, I

probably the, the greatest appreciation is, is listening to someone's fifth step and you get to hear the way people harmed that person that's sitting in front of you. And you know, we haven't got to the 9th step yet. But I have a, a deeper appreciation and a deeper respect and a deeper commitment toward wanting to make amends. The more I listen to how people screwed people that have told fifth steps to me, you know what I mean? Or, or harm them or affected them in a, in a negative way. It's an amazing thing. I'm not a big fan of putting off amends.

I'm not a big fan of getting into men's before you do the steps before it, but

in in using amends a lot and in seeing the ways that I've harmed people and the way other people have harmed people that I've heard fifth steps with. I'm a big fan of of getting ready to make an amends and making all of them.

Well, I really went off there. I'm sorry, OK. They like ourselves. We're sick too. Again, you know, it's almost like

Mark was saying last Thursday

that, you know, we're humans were limited beings. It's almost like expecting a deaf person to hear when you talk to them. You know, certain people are not healable of acting in the way that I want them to. That's not going to harm me. And the more that I go through life, the more I see that, you know, again, like myself, there's certain things, you know, I'm expecting somebody to do something that perhaps there does not care, beloved. It's almost like I'm expecting to get blood from from a stone. You know, these people that

that are descript violators, that they're not acting the way I want them to. And again, the more that we get into inventory, the more that we really see this very clearly, that in some cases these people were not capable of treating me in the way that I wanted them to, nor did they even know how I wanted them to treat me.

And here's a little prayer. It says I ask God to help me show them the same tolerance. Pretty impatience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. And again, in the original manuscript that said that I would cheerfully grant a friend who has cancer. When a person offended, we said to ourselves, this is a sick man, you know, like myself, like I said earlier, this is someone who spiritually blocked off. How can I be helpful to him? God save me for being angry. Thy will be done. So there's a couple prayers there

and you don't have to turn there. But on page 552 it talks about

that. Another tool we can use to get over people that we resent is to pray that they get the happiness and the joy and the success and the peace that we would want for ourselves. That we pray that those kind of things happen for the other person that we resent. And by using those two tools to pray for them, that they find happiness and peace and joy, and to also pray for ourselves to have a better attitude toward these people. That's how we start moving away from softening our heart, seeing the situation a little bit differently, perhaps forgiving them, and just moving away from this resentment and not having it anymore.

So again, there's a really big two page pause between the third column and the 4th column that I think is really important in doing this inventory. That after we finish doing the 1st 3 columns, we need to take that pause and perhaps pray for each of these people or just review what's going on here, see them a little bit differently, start heading toward the 4th column, which is what's my part in all this, disregarding them entirely, and we can move toward having a whole lot more freedom.

It says we avoid retaliation or argument. Do we want to treat? We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful.

We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us. And again, yes, we have to ask God to help us with this, that have God show us how we can take a tolerant and kindly view of each and everyone. So that's the 1st 3 columns.

We're going to take a a couple of examples just to kind of walk everybody through the 1st 3 columns. Then we'll look at the 4th column and then do examples of that as well.

Everyone, I'm Mike. I'm alcoholic.

For those that weren't here last week or maybe new entirely

last week when we went over the 1st 3 columns of the resentment inventory, we did it. We gave a very detailed explanation,

probably even more detailed than I've ever heard either one of us ever do. But if you want, if you're new here and you're wondering why Bill kind of went through it,

uh, quickly, it's because as far as the directions for the first three columns are concerned, we had covered that last week and he was just doing a review until we got to the top of bottom of 65, top of 66, which is where we left off last week. One thing I just want to touch on

is something that Bill had covered

but about was probably about a year or two ago. It became

so clear to me that the prayers on page 67 are not the same as the prayer on page 552 that that woman from Freedom From Bondage is talking about. Again, like Bill said, the prayer that she's talking about, which is a very effective prayer, but I need to see the difference. The prayer that she's talking about is I'm praying for other people.

And the prayer that 67 is talking about

is that I am to ask God to help me show other people, these people that I resent, the same patient's pity tolerance. And I like to add the word compassion 'cause I I don't really care much for the word pity today, but I am to this is a prayer I'm to ask God. Dear God, please show me how I can show the people that I resent

the same patients tolerance and compassion

that I would show a friend who's in the hospital with cancer. You know, I wouldn't, if I was visiting a, a friend who was dying in the hospital and this person, if you pardon the expression, lashed out on me just because he or she wasn't having a good day or, or was in a lot of physical or emotional pain. Knowing that

I, you know, I, I wouldn't really think much of that. I would just kind of process it as, you know, they're really hurting today and, and,

you know, forgive them. Lord, they know not what they do.

And but my entire life has been the direct opposite when it comes to this thing. I I never considered that.

And this prayer is asking me to consider that. You know it. It's telling me to do the exact opposite of what I've done my whole life. You know when

and that's how that's the vision. You know, again when we, when we were talking about the 1st 2 steps, we, we referred to the word vision a lot and we're going to refer to it a lot more when we get to 1011. But that's the vision that I like to get in my head when I'm doing the work. And there is work between the 3rd and the 4th column, you know,

umm, and having done this, having written a lot of inventory in, in the past few years, I might say the, the work, and I might be going out on a limb by saying this, but the work or the prayers or the considerations that I need to be working with between the 3rd and the 4th column are probably just as, if not more important than the writing that's gone on the paper already.

You know,

in the beginning, I, I skimped over this,

this stuff in the middle, so to speak. And it's really important. Again, like we did with the first three steps,

I take the words, sentences and paragraphs from the bottom of 65 over to 67. And I turn as many statements as I can into questions and ask them if they, if they apply to me or in this case, if I'm currently having this type of attitude.

So you want to get into examples? Yeah, Why don't we do some examples? I'm going to take one from the book on page 65. I'm going to take one from my past and Mike has one and

then we'll ask if if it's not clear on how this goes so far. And then we'll do the 4th column. The one example I want to take from the on page 65 and one example there is my employer

and it says, and like we had said last week, each of these columns including the third, including each individual column in the third column, you go top to bottom. You do not go across. You'll read it across when you do your 5th step, but we go top to bottom. So my employer is in the first column. I have a a resentment from my past which I no longer have, but I want to use it because it's a really good example. I had a resentment toward the police and Mike has a resentment,

which is

it's actually not a resentment. It's again, we talked about last week how at least when I do this today, I take a look at any resentments, angers, hurts, judgments towards myself and others, regrets, dislikes or grudges or annoyances, however you want to call it. So I have a dislike in regards to being overweight. So if you need to label the first column, it would be

a resentment or a dislike towards myself.

And then, you know, again, top to bottom, first column, second column. The example in the inventory it says threatens to fire me for drinking and padding my expense account. I had a resentment toward the police because they were locking me up.

They're preventing me from doing whatever I wanted to do.

And how about with the resentment toward yourself? The second column is for being overweight,

and when we do these columns, especially the 2nd and 4th column of the resentment inventory, we just do bullet statements. We don't have to expand on a whole story. You can't fit all that in a box. Just do bullet statements to refresh it memory when you're going to do your first step. You can expand upon it all you want during the 5th step, but just do short bullet statements. As a matter of fact, a gentleman who I hooked up with down in Philly recommended in the second column

to just use one word because then it makes you think about it.

And very often you can pretty much boil it down to one word. And I'm unnecessarily saying you have to do that. But I think it's just important to just use bullet statements just to refresh your memory. So when you do your 5th step, you can you can rattle it off

and and

you know again in the in the fourth column there too. Right now, third column

they get they only give a couple.

It's funny because you might notice on page 65 he kind of gives us 2 examples of how to do this.

The first example is with Mr. Brown where with the second column it it gives second column has a third column associated with each one. And then as he goes along. I don't know if he got lazy or if he was trying to give us 2 examples, but

after a while he lists a bunch of things in column two, but only gives us one or two things in column three. So I don't know if he was giving us two different examples or if we just got lazy as he was doing this.

But the one that I

recommend is sort of the first one where you have something in the second column and, and stuff in the third column associated with it. Because like we were saying last week, you know, in some cases you might have more than one resentment toward a certain person. As a matter of fact, usually we do toward people that are very close to us and we would put the name and then have a bunch of a few things in column two. And then, you know, a couple lines in column one might be empty because it continues the first name. Like toward my mom. If I have 3 resentments toward her, I would just have my mom in the first column and then two columns blank.

And then the second column would be three things that I resentment story there for. And believe me, it was more than three. But

and then the third column again, top to bottom, which each of those individual columns and column three. So do you think that this person that was just an example of an inventory? That's not necessarily any specific person's inventory, but do you think that that that when the employer threatens to fire the person for drinking and paying their expense account, that it affects their self esteem,

it affects how they feel about themselves? Probably does. And again, the 3rd column would be just check marks because it says, you know,

was this was this affected? It's it's a yes or no. So a check means that it was affected. No check means that it wasn't. Now how about with the police? It certainly affected myself esteem then locking me up all the time and happened with your being overweight. Does that affect your self esteem?

123 yes. OK, now how about the pocketbook?

Again, if you stay with the definitions, the cold pages before the resentment inventory, it's very helpful in doing this third column. But

with the pocketbook, it's of a financial or material nature. And do you think threatening to fire this person would affect their pocketbook?

I'm sure they weren't getting a raise anytime soon. Besides the fact that they're probably not going to have a job. Them locking me up effects my pocketbook because I might not have a job because I'll be in the joint. How about with you being overweight? Does that affect your pocketbook? No.

Were there times when you over ate and you weren't very motivated to work when you were going back to work?

Not not that I don't recall. Right. And with security, there's two kinds of security. There's emotional security and financial security.

What's interesting, I don't know why I keep jumping ahead to the 9th step, but what's interesting about the 9th step is that I again have a new appreciation for amends. Because what I started seeing in the ways that I harmed people was that the people that were closest to me, especially like my family, my parents, people like that, my, my ex wives, plural.

What one of the things that I stole from them was their emotional security because they weren't sure when they were going to get a phone call about me

dead or what kind of condition I'd be in when I showed up at family functions.

It still hurts me on some level to think about the ways that I emotionally affected my parents and the people that were close to me, the people that loved me and then I loved. That was the way that I treated them. And you know, again, that's why I'm a big fan of making amends. But it's OK. Financial and emotional security, I'm sure it did with him. With this job, with the police, it especially affected my emotional security because I was always really nervous if there was a policeman around because I knew that they were there for me.