Von in Reykjavík, Iceland

Good, good, good, good. Good.

All right, enough.

Where are all the sickos?

Nobody looks like they're sick in there. My name's Mickey Bush and I'm a fully conceded alcoholic.

Yeah, probably an addict too.

I'm a real alcoholic, but I did mount into drugs. Anybody else here do drugs?

And the rest of you lying mothers I know. Drug.

Drugs. Drugs. DRUGS. Devil's revenge upon God's subjects. Yeah, that's what drugs are. So we're going to be talking about alcoholism and alcohol. Oh, but if you're a real alcoholic like me, you know, I just did everything. I did drugs. I did everything. Didn't matter what it was. I obsess over everything.

Set work. Oh, don't turn. No, I don't. No, no, no. Obsessing over work. Yeah, Don't I work. Yeah, so

I'm a fully conceded alcoholic, and I identify as a fully conceded alcoholic because in the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous, this beautiful book, it says on page 30, we learned we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholic. This is the first step in recovery. So that meant that there was two first steps in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's a pisser, ain't it? It's bad enough

we've won, but now we've got two first steps. Holy shit. You know, we learned we had to fully concede to our innermost shelf that we were alcoholic. This is the first step in recovery. So it's the first step in recovery, but it's not the first of the 12 steps. That's a totally different step, though. It's often confused. And so I identify as a fully conceded alcoholic. You know, I am an alcoholic. I'm a total alcoholic.

It's not just a part of me alcoholic or a big part of me that ain't alcoholic. I'm all alcoholic, see. So consequently, being a real alcoholic, I have the right to be dysfunctional in as many ways as I like, you know? Don't tell me I'm limited or restricted. If there's good dysfunction out there. I want my share of it, you know,

And of course, if there's good share, being being a real alcoholic, I don't just want my share.

What do I want?

More. More. I just want more. More, More, more, more. Just want more of everything. No matter what it is. I want more of it doesn't matter what you got. I want more of it. I'd even want more herpes than you, you know, I mean,

yeah,

I was out there looking at those cookies and those biscuits and stuff out there, those sticky ones with the cream in them,

and I was looking at him like that. And the sensible person in me said you don't need none of them to like sticky shit. You don't need none of that sticky shit. You got love handles no ones grabbing.

You don't need none of that sticky shit. And then the little boy inside me, the little boy inside me said, well, I like sticky shit. What about me?

What about me? I like sticky shit.

And then the alcoholic said, take six, six pieces, grab them.

Oh, oh, I see. You can relate, huh? Oh, yeah, don't worry,

because I'm a real alcoholic and you know, I'm glad to be an alcoholic. You know, I love being an alcoholic. As a matter of fact, when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous on January the 15th, 1983, before some of you were born, right? And

I was so sick when I got here. I was so sick that I didn't know I was sick. Do you know how sick that is? Do you know how sick it is to be so sick

that you don't know you're sick? That's really sick.

And if you're as sick as I was when I got here, so sick that you come into a room full of alkies, like good alkies, like this room good alky seems to me. And you scan the room because I can. I'm a good scanner. You know, I had to learn real early when you walk in somewhere, you had to be able to scan the room to decide who was going to be the next victim,

you know? And you scan the room and you think, well, I ain't as sick as him, he's sicker than me. Do you know how sick that is? Do you know how sick it is to be in a room full of alkies thinking you ain't as sick as the next guy that's really sick?

So if you're in here tonight wondering whether you is or whether you isn't a real alcoholic or not, I want you to know that I can relate to being a sick as you don't think you are,

you know, really, really sick. And I never know. I never knew when I got here, when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I never knew nothing. I never knew nothing about nothing. I thought I knew everything about everything. I thought I knew everything there was to know.

When my butts on a bar stall and I'm drinking. I know everything. It don't matter what you've done, where you've done it, who you've done it with, how many times you've done it. I've done it more and with better. Yeah, I know everything. You want to know how the space shuttle blew up? I'll tell you,

'cause I know, in fact, I should have been on it, as a matter of fact, but I was busy at the time drinking. Yeah, Alcoholics are very busy drinking, you know. So I miss being on the space shuttle. Bloody good job, you know. But you know, that's what. But I actually knew nothing about nothing. I knew nothing about nothing. Thinking I knew everything about everything. I was just like the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, the first page blank,

you know, look empty. And. And that's what I was. Yeah. And, you know, I get to Alcoholics Anonymous on January the 15th, 1983 and I don't know nothing about nothing. I never came in here with any desire to quit drinking. I never came in here with the only requirement for membership. I never knew nothing. I never knew why I did what I did. I never knew why you did what you did. I knew nothing about Alcoholics and armours, nothing about meetings, nothing about

steps. I know nothing about nothing. When I got I was so sick I didn't know I was sick. But of course I do today because the first thing I ever heard was keep coming back. Before I even got into the meeting, there was two dudes outside the meeting. Now I don't know nothing about one alcoholic. You know the love of one alcoholic for another alcoholic. And I don't know nothing about Alcoholics participating in their recovery. I don't know nothing

about doing commitments at a meeting to support the meeting. I don't know nothing about nothing. I don't know that these two dudes outside the meeting agreed us

greeting sick, wet Alcoholics like me. And as I approach that meaning one of these guys stepped forward with his hand out. Now, I've got to tell you, this was in West Hollywood, Los Angeles. Now, I don't know whether you know West Hollywood or not, but it's a very special part of town. It's commonly referred to as Boys Town. You know Boys Town where all the nice boys live.

If you if you don't know what I'm talking about,

it's the kind of town where if you dropped your wallet on Santa Monica Blvd., you gotta kick it up to sunset before you can pick it up, you know?

Don't mean nothing about nothing. If you're gay, don't be offended. No one cares, No,

but as I approached that meeting, one of these nice boys put his hand out. What do you want?

He said, I want to welcome you to AAI said what? He said welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. I said what? And the other guy stepped forward in his hand out. He said keep coming back. I thought he said keep coming on my back. I said why?

He said keep coming back.

I said, what for?

He said We love you.

I said, I bet you do, You know,

I scooted around them and went into the like the community centre. There was a community centre there in a park and and you know, they tell me I was all Gray, shaky and smelly. You know, I just come off a three day run and

they tell me that later on they told me that I was like one of those, one of those zombies out of a Michael Jackson video. You know, those zombies.

I felt like I'd just come out of a bar in Star Wars. Remember that bar?

I walked round them and, and I walked to this Community Center and there was a smallish room, about 30 people perhaps in there. And I stood in the doorway and I can remember so clearly, I remember looking into this room and, and they smoked in meetings then. And the room was full of smoke and, and there was 30, perhaps 40 people in the room. Everybody was talking,

everybody was talking. Nobody listening, everybody talking. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Room full of Alcoholics.

I remember looking in the room going wow, what is this? Holy shit, you know, there was some celebrities in the room and I already knew and I went, wow, what's this wow. And down the centre of the room came this English rock'n'roll singer that I'd known for a long time. And I, he walked up to me, and he put his arms around me.

What are you doing? He said, giving you a hug. I mean, get away from me. You got damn pervert. Get away from me,

he said. We've been saving you a seat, I said. What for?

I said. What are you doing here anyway? You're bloody mental, you are,

he said. I'm leading the meeting. I said how come? He said. I'm 22 months sober. I wasn't impressed. I can remember. Oh, I don't want to catch that, you know, sober. What's there?

He should talk to these guys. I said I don't want to talk to no guys. He said that's what we do here. We talk to each other. I said screw you because I didn't want to talk to no guys because, you know, but guess what? They wouldn't shut up.

These two guys, you know, they had their, like, noses in my ear going talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. And I was going, yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm one of these guys. He got up in my face. He said you're an alcoholic. I said what? He said you're an alcoholic. I said what? That's a bloody mean thing to say to somebody. Just say a thing like that to a dude for you. You're an alcoholic.

I said why'd you say that? He said, 'cause if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and sounds like a duck and smells like a duck, it's a bloody duck. Just because he's been taking some shit and thinks he's an eagle. No, you're a duck. You're a duck. I'm a duck. Quack. Quack. Holy shit,

I couldn't believe it. I thought, this is the bloody funny farm man. You know, guys loving on you and shit and ducks and Eagles in jail. What the Hell's this? I never knew.

I thought about it. I thought about it for alcoholic, said I'm an alcoholic. Holy shit, alcoholic. Alcoholic.

Wow, I'm an alcoholic, he said. I'm an alcoholic. I thought, Wow, alcoholic.

Wow. I'm an alcoholic. I thought, wow, far out, far out, far out. I'm alcoholic. Holy shit. Alcoholic, You said? I'm an alcoholic.

They've been locking me up in nutmored for for years. They've been locking me up in insane and silence. They've been taking me away and putting me in arms and nutboards and criminal insane asylums. I'm not crazy. I'm alcoholic. Far out, I thought. Well, far out. I'm alcoholic,

be an alcoholic was like a step up for me.

Wow,

wow.

And I've loved being alcoholic ever since. I ain't crazy, I ain't nuts, I'm alcoholic. Wow. I couldn't wait to run home and tell my best friend, the one who that morning had kicked me out of his house. So get out,

I said to him. I said, hey, guess what? I'm an alcoholic. I'm powerless over alcohol. My life is unmanageable, he said. No shit.

I I thought he was going to be surprised.

He weren't surprised. I was the only one surprised

everybody else knew set me. I was the only one who didn't know that I was alcoholic. Everybody else knew. Everybody else had all suffered putting up with me all those years and I've loved being alcoholic ever since. And and and later I didn't understand it at the time, but later on the duck and the eagle story, you know, like made sense to me. And if you're new here tonight,

you know, I say the same to you, keep coming back. You know, if you don't understand what we're talking about and if you don't understand the language,

if you don't understand what we're saying, keep coming back because little by little, it will begin to make sense to you as you stick around and stay sober. And we wish you well. And so the newcomers that were here tonight, I welcome you as you welcome me and and I want you to keep coming back.

And gradually it makes sense what people say around here and what the beautiful book says and, and what our message of recovery says, even though you don't understand it in the beginning, like I didn't. Everything I know about myself and everything I know about recovery and everything I know about this disease is all in retrospect.

I didn't know any of it at the time. I never knew nothing about nothing when I got here. See, so I do. I welcome you to keep coming back. And that duck and the Eagle story started making sense because it what he was really doing, he was defining for me what it was about me that made me alcoholic. See, I was alcoholic and I'd been incarcerated and I'd been locked away. I've been I've been in places cuckoos wouldn't fly over.

Yeah, but they didn't know what was wrong with me. They couldn't define what was wrong. They knew how to hurt me. They knew how to bash me up. They knew how to chain me to pat itself. And they knew how to shoot me up with tranques. And they knew how to ZAP me on electric machines and and violate me. But they didn't know how to get through to me what was wrong with me. And if they knew what was wrong with me, they didn't know how to do it and tell me what was wrong with me.

Not like Alcoholics do with other Alcoholics. That's why it's so precious that we come together, one alcoholic with another alcoholic

to do together what we couldn't do apart. And the very first meeting that I ever got to, an alcoholic got on my face and told me what was wrong with me. I went, wow, I'm alcoholic. You know, today my names Mickey Bush. I'm an alcoholic. I'm in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I know what's wrong with me and I know what to do about it. That's a lot of shit right there. I never brought that in here with me. Didn't even know what they were talking about. But the duck and the Eagle story, they

explained, was what it was about me that made me alcoholic. See, I asked a lot of people what it was about me that made me alcoholic and what they did. They told me what they did because they were alcoholic. They told me what the consequences and the results of being alcoholic were not what it was about me that made me alcoholic, see, And there's a total difference about that. See, what makes me alcoholic isn't what I do because I'm alcoholic.

What makes me alcoholic is an alcoholic addictive behavior. What makes me alcoholic isn't that one's too many in 1000 ain't enough. What makes me alcoholic isn't that I can't control and enjoy my drinking. That's true if you're alcoholic, but you could read that in a library book. That's not what makes me alcoholic. That's what I do because I'm alcoholic. What makes me alcoholic is the little duck and the Eagle story.

See, what makes me alcoholic is that I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol.

I react abnormally to alcohol. My reaction to alcohol is different to the non alcoholic. And this is the same for all of us. I got three sisters and a brother. They're not alcoholic. They don't know why I drink. I don't know why they don't.

I ask them why don't you drink? They say I don't like it. I say what?

What don't you like about it? They say I don't like the way it makes me feel. I say what?

How'd it make you feel? They say, well, if I ever won too many, I feel sick. I say sick. You've got to drink past that.

Who stops at sick? I don't stop at sick. I puke, but I don't stop drinking.

Oh, oh, that's Andy. Made room for some more, you know, I mean.

They don't laugh, they think I'm weird.

Any other weirdos in the room tonight? Yeah, no shit.

You know they don't love. They think I'm weird because alcohol don't do for them what it does for me. My three sisters and brother ain't alcoholic. I'm alcoholic. I'm alcoholic. They're not alcoholic. Same blood, same family, same environment, same everything. I'm alcoholic. They're not alcoholic. I got news for you.

My three sisters and brother got two kids. Well, I got two kids. I've never been married. I've never had a wife of my own. But I, I, you know, I, I got two kids, you know,

I'm alcoholic. My kids ain't my three sisters and brother ain't alcoholic. Their kids are. That's weird shit, isn't it? See, that's what we're dealing with here. And I didn't know. I never knew what it was about me that made me alcoholic. And I asked people and they told me what they did because I was alcoholic. Once I start, I can't stop. Once too many, 1000 ain't enough. I can't stop from starting. You know, I can't control and enjoy my drinking. Once I put a drink in my body of any time I'm offering all that was true,

but that wasn't what made me alcoholic. What made me alcoholic was the duck and the eagle story. What made me alcoholic was the abnormal reaction to alcohol that I have. See. My abnormal reaction to alcohol is that alcohol changes my perception of reality. See and that's what alcohol does for the alcoholic that it don't do for the normal person. We all think it does, but it don't.

Alcohol don't change their perception of reality.

Even if they like a drink, even if they get drunk once in a while, it don't change their perception of reality like it does for me. You know, my three sisters and brother, once in a while they have a drink. Once in a while they even get drunk. But come Monday morning, they take their kids to school, they pay their bills and take care of their responsibilities. Not me. I go to Tijuana

see cuz he don't do that for them. What it does for me, it changes me from a duck to an eagle. It changes my perception of reality. And why do I want a change in perception of reality? Because I can't stand reality. That's why I hate reality. I don't like reality. Screw reality.

When I drink, I don't have to deal with reality. It changes my perception. Alcohol. See, I go out drinking as a delicate little duck, have a few stiff ones and turn into an eagle and go swooping around looking for prey.

It don't do that for the normal person. See,

I call it a nerd remover.

Do you guys know what I mean by a nerd? Do you know what a nerd is? You are? You're a nerd. He's a nerd.

See, alcohol removes the nerdness.

I feel like a nerd. I drink and I don't feel like a nerd. I feel like a nerd and I drink and I don't care if I'm a nerd.

I feel like a nerd and I drink, and you're a goddamn nerd.

Alcohol changes my perception of reality. See Mary in my Home group back there in Santa Monica. She she's a delicate little dudette,

all strunk. Oh, she's a bad ass drunk is Mary. She puts it as well as I've ever heard anybody put it. You know, she says when she drinks she feels wittier, prettier and tittier.

I know exactly what she means.

Alcohol changes my perception of reality and I can't stand reality. I don't like reality and that's what alcohol does for me, especially in the beginning when I first start drinking.

But guess what, things change in the beginning. It was great. I loved drinking and drugging. I loved it. I you know, I hear people in meeting say I wouldn't swap my worst day drinking for my best day sober, you know, and I think, or the vice versa. And I think, well, I don't know where you drank, you know, because I had years of fun. It was great for a long time, you know, drinking and drugging. We like cruise the world a couple of

times, Robin cheating line screwing our way around the planet. It was great, you know, it was great. I loved it, you know, And then, you know, gradually it wasn't so great, but it weren't bad.

Then it kind of got bad, but not real bad. Then it kind of got real bad, but not as bad as you.

Then it got as bad as you, but not as bad as I'd seen it.

And then it got as bad as I'd seen it, but it never happened to me.

And then it got January the 15th, 1983 when alcohol stopped working. Alcohol stopped working on January the 15th, 1983.

And by stopping working I don't mean that it stopped getting me drunk, or it stopped rotting my liver or it stopped blacking me out because I'm a blackout drinker. Any other blackout drinkers here didn't even know what a blackout was? I didn't. Guy told me that he said yeah, he was in a blackout.

I said no I wasn't, I didn't know what it was, but denied it anyway just in case.

I didn't know this was a disease of denial. I do. Today of course I wrote a word denial. DENIAL. Don't even notice I am lying

or don't even notice it's a lie. I don't know it's when I'm lying and I don't know it's when I'm being lied to. Especially by a disease that tells me I ain't got it. Anybody relate to that? Anybody relate to the voices that talk to you? Who relates to the voices that talk to you? Yeah. No shit. You know the voices I'm talking about

them voices that just said what voices? Them voices.

You know them voices drive you crazy. Your voice is driving you crazy. Talk, talk, talk. Some days you wake up, voices are sitting on the edge of the bed. Said I'm glad you're awake. I've been waiting to talk to you.

So drive you crazy. You've got a drink to drown. The voices, voices telling you shit, driving you crazy. They tell you all kinds of shit.

You're a useless turd. That's what you are. You're going to get fired today.

Your girlfriends cheating on you, your best friends getting some ha ha ha

drive you crazy. You've got a drink to drown out the voices telling you crazy shit. You know, and I didn't know and, and, and you know, the desert, the voices even told me I didn't have a disease. You know, these, this disease is the only disease known that tells you you ain't got it. This is the only disease that tells you you ain't even got a disease. But it's also the only disease that when we get into recovery from it, we become better than we were before we had it.

There's no other disease like that. We become, if we get into recovery and recover from this seemingly Opal state of mind and body, we become better than we were before we got it. That's good shit in it. See, so I didn't know any of this. I never knew none of this. And, and those voices, you know that some of you, like me, have slipped and slid and had relapsed and stuff, you know, because the voices said it was all right.

You know the voices. You know how they talk to you?

I tell you,

well, look, you're, you're, you were sick, but now you're better. And it's been hot today, so you're entitled to a nice cold one. And you've been working hard, so you deserve a break. You could have a little slippy poo. You could have just a drink. One drink won't hurt you. And we believe a lie. If we're not in fit spiritual condition, we believe a lie. And we believe that it be all right to take another drink.

And the disease says it's OK, you can take a drink. We think, yeah, that's right,

I'm better now. I'll have a little drink

then. What does the voice say?

Haha, drinking again got you again. What a Dick. You know what a Dick. Drinking again?

I got you again. Well, you're a newcomer again. Now

it never says stop. I was just kidding,

it says. Haha, got you again. You might as well get shit faced.

Remember that. See, this disease is coming baffling and powerful. And I didn't know I didn't know nothing about it. And, and and here I am, you know, I mean Alcoholics Anonymous and I don't know nothing about nothing. And I'm finding out gradually, bit by bit what to do and how to do it. And I find out I'm alcoholic and I've got I'm alcoholic and alcohol changes my perception of reality. And over the period of time I've crossed over invisible line and become alcoholic because in the beginning I was an alcoholic because I was enjoying alcohol and it

the physical effect on me. But we got a two fold program. We got obsession of the mind, allergy of the body. So you've got an obsession of the mind allergy of the body. And it's the obsession of the mind that gets me to do it in the first place. In this, the obsession sucks me in, takes away my ability to say no. So that then I have to say yes so that when I do say yes, I think I chose to, I wanted to but didn't. It was the disease that made me do it. The obsession of the mind.

An obsession of the mind is a thought to the exclusion of all else, including recovery. See. And it takes away my ability to say no, so I can't resist its demands.

And once I take the first drink, we have what we call a phenomenon of craving. A phenomenon of craving is a feeling beyond my mental control. Hope everything comes out all right.

See A phenomenon of craving described as the allergy of the body. The phenomenon of craving is a feeling beyond my mental control so that I can't stop from doing it because of the obsession. And once I'm doing it, I can't stop doing it because of the allergy of the body. Is everybody familiar with what I'm talking about here? Twofold illness.

Some people say it's a three fold illness, but it ain't. It's a a spiritual solution to a twofold illness. We have a spiritual solution, not a spiritual problem. I know in the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous it says we have come from all sort forms of spiritual disease and and and spiritual sickness. But there ain't no such thing as a spiritual sickness or a spiritual disease. There's no such thing as a disease God. You can't have a disease, God.

There's no such thing as a sick spirit.

There's me sick because I'm separated from the spirit, which is the spiritual malady. I'm divorced from the spirit. I'm bankrupt from the spirit and I'm separated from the spirit. That's what a spiritual malady is. But the the spirit ain't disease. There ain't a sick spirit or a disease. God

like people say, well, you know, it's a threefold disease, obsession of the mind, allergy of the body, spiritual malady. Well, you know, the malady is the separation from the spirit. Now as I reconnect with the spirit, I straighten out mentally and physically. It's a spiritual solution, not a spiritual problem. But people seem to think differently than that. And I don't know why, but I don't. And I don't pass that on either,

you know, You know, it's kind of weird really, because

I'm separated from the Spirit. So I'm not connected with the Spirit. So I call it a spiritual disease. Why do we do that? You know, if I ain't got no money, I don't say I got a financial disease. You know, if I got VD and I need penicillin but I haven't got any, I don't tell you I got a penicillin disease, but I'm separated from the spirit. And I blame the Spirit. It ain't. We got to reconnect with the Spirit to straighten out physically and manly.

Actually, we have a four fold solution to A2 fold problem. We have a two fold problem, obsession of the mind, allergy of the body. But I have a four fold solution, physical, mental, spiritual and emotional. So I've got a four fold solution to A2 fold problem. That's good shit. And it's all in the book. All in the book, Beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous. But I don't know this when I get here. I have no idea when I get here. I don't know when I get here that on January the 15th, 1983, I hit bottom.

See, I didn't even know what hit him bottom was, and it wasn't in the program hitting bottoms not written in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, And I'm not just talking about the translation from English to Icelandic. I was talking to some folk yesterday. Everything I said, I said, oh, the translation, translation, different translation said screw you in the translation. You know, I wanted to blame everything on the translation, you know, but I don't give a shit about that. You know,

on January the 15th, 1983, I hit bottom and I didn't know I hit bottom. I didn't know what hit him bottom was and and and in the 12 and 12, though Bill never wrote about it in the in the program in the 12 and 12. You know that

that's in Neely's book at the back. You know, it says, why all this insistence that every alcoholic must hit bottom first?

I went, wow. Now, if you think about that, Bill wrote that 12 years after this. But it was so important that he put it in the first step of the 12 steps. And he insisted that every alcoholic must hit bottom first.

Now that's some ballsy shit to say to a bunch of drunks in it. Drunks who don't like authority and don't like being told what to do. We insist that every alcoholic must hit bottom first.

Yeah, well, hit bottom on this Father Mucker, you know,

I mean, but that's how important it was here in bottom is so important because it's the process that brings us back to the power we've abandoned to ask for help. And I didn't even know that I'd abandoned the power. But what else would you call it? Because in the first of the 12 steps, he said we admitted we were powerless over alcohol. And I didn't know what that meant. And what hitting bottom is is the process that brings us back to the power that we've abandoned to ask for help. And I didn't know that either. I asked people what hitting bottom was.

You know what I got told? I got told what the outside circumstances and conditions of their life was at the tail end of their drinking.

And I went, wow, that don't make any sense to me. You know, that's different for everybody. Everybody's outside circumstances and conditions at the tail end of their drinking is different. There's no unity in being different. So it didn't make sense to me that hitting bottom was about the outside circumstances and conditions of our life. So what was it? Hitting bottom had to be the same for all of us, not different. And I didn't know what it was. And I asked people and they kept telling me about these outside

circumstances, you know, like family gone, kids gone, living in an abandoned car, no money, jails, institutions, detox, all the things that, you know, happen to Alcoholics at the tail end of their drinking. And that didn't add up because, you know, apart from the fact that it wasn't hitting bottom anyway, it was very dangerous because the outside circumstances and conditions of our life is not what he embodium is.

We think it is, we say it isn't, we believe it is, but it's not. What hit and bottom is an inside job, not an outside circumstance. And that's the same for us. And the danger of believing that the outside circumstances and conditions of our life is the bottom

is that as those outside circumstances and conditions get better and improve, we falsely believe we've gotten better and improve and drink again. Anybody know what I'm talking about

See here in bottom was an inside job, not an outside circumstance, and so I kept asking people what does it mean hit bottom You'd be amazed at what I got told by you guys One little group you know just recently I asked this couple, the little girl she I asked her, I said what was your bottom have you hit bottom yet? She said yes, I've hit bottom said tell me about it. What was your bottom? She said that's easy. I was feet to the curb, hustling the

prostitute in myself, trying to earn a dollar so I could get loaded. I said that wasn't your bottom, she said. Well, I think it was. I said I don't give a shit what you think. I said to the dude, what was your bottom, pal? He said. I know exactly what that was. He said I was locked up in prison, married to Bubba.

I said that wasn't your bottom,

he said. It felt like it was

bad minds. You got bad minds. I can down

see. Hitting bottom, which is so essential for us is what happened to me on January the 15th, 1983. And in some capacity or other, it happened for you too, Even if you don't realize it, it did. How do I know that? I know that because you're here. So he must have been there because you're here, see? And on January the 15th, 1983, though my circumstances had been a lot worse

than they were on January the 15th, 1983,

I hadn't hit bottom prior to that. And I did on January the 15th, 1983. And I didn't realize it at the time. I never knew about it at the time. But on January the 15th, 1983, I'll remember my circumstances.

I remember hurting so bad. I remember hurting so bad with torment and terror

and loneliness and, you know, just the degradation of untreated alcoholism, where alcohol is no longer working and no longer doing what it's supposed to do and no longer change in my perception of reality. And I don't know what you brought to recovery, but what I brought here was a lot of hurt and hate. Hurt and hate. That's what I brought here, hurt and hate.

I hurt and I hate everything. I can't stand women. I hate women. I hate homos and queers and anybody different.

I hate black people and totally racist and prejudice. I'm from London, England, living in Los Angeles and I hate foreigners. You know

I can't stand me and I hate you and get away from me. Don't come near me. And with all that torment and terror going on inside, I still have to try and present to you a picture of somebody you will like.

Because I'm living in this false phony front where I'm living in pretense and got to try and impress you and I'm living in a loneliness and if you don't like me, I'm screwed. Anybody know what I'm talking about?

And on January the 15th 1983 hurting so bad I can remember without knowing what I was saying and without knowing what who I was saying it to and without knowing what the consequences of what I was saying was going to be. I can remember. God help me, please help me what's wrong with me what am I going to do help me what's wrong with me? And asked for help from outside of myself.

And I've never done that,

you know, Although I'd abandoned God years ago, which I never knew about,

he hadn't abandoned me. And when I turned back to him and asked for help, it was almost like he was looking over my shoulder, because although I'd abandoned him, he hadn't abandoned me. And when I turned back and asked for help, it was like he seemed to say to me, Mick, you silly bastard, I've been waiting for you to ask. Now get yourself over that 12 Step Fellowship sent me to you.

I asked for help and he sent me to you. That's why I know

that God and the power are different. A lot of people seem to be confused about that, but I ain't. God and the power are different. See, I asked for help and he sent me to you because here was the power that he provided for an alcoholic like me. An alcoholic perhaps like you, certainly an alcoholic described in the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics of our kind, it said. And I'm an alcoholic of our kind, regardless of what other kinds

there are, I'm an alcoholic of this kind. You know, here was a power greater than myself that I could, like, come and be a small part of and join you and do what you do, which would enable me to not have to drink one day at a time today. And here it was, right here, right now, this power that we have in rooms like this all over the world. You know, there's so much power in this room right here, right now for an alcoholic to not have to drink today.

Think about it. This is the 4th of July, folks. United States Independence Day, independent from this goddamn disease. That's what we are. We got our power in this room right here, right now, enabling How many people are here, 23400 How many people are here? I don't know a room full of drunks listening to Mickey Bush in Reykjavik on a Saturday night.

There must be a power in here, mustn't there? Enabling 400 alkies to not be drinking tonight.

Because if we suffer from a disease that we're powerless over and makes me do what I already don't want to do, if I don't have an equal and an opposite power to counteract the power of the disease, I'm screwed. Because if I got a disease that makes me do, I don't want to do, when I go out there, I'll have to go and get drunk. So I must have a power, mustn't I, to take out there with me.

And I got nudge for you. I don't know Reykjavik very well,

but I got a feeling that even Reykjavik ain't going to be too happy at 400 alkies. Go out and get drunk tonight.

Are you feeling Then I wouldn't be very happy around here on that. So we must have a power must. So why do we say we're powerless? Everybody seems to be walking around going powerless, powerless. Everybody's powerless. Paul Hill, powerless and so powerless, Powerless, powerless, powerless, powerless over everything. Powerless other people, places and things.

I don't know why we say that

powerless. Why would we say that people do now? I came in here. If you look at the first step and read it like I do, it's written in the past tense. We admitted we were powerless, that my life had become unmanageable, not that I am powerless. And it is unmanageable in and of myself. Helpless, hopeless and powerless. I couldn't resist the diseases demands, but I'm not in and of myself anymore.

This power that we have in rooms like this is of God and from God and provided by God, but it's not God.

This room in this power that we have here, it's like the money in the bank. Well, I don't know about Iceland. You know,

this money in my pocket is of the bank and from the bank and provided by the bank. But it ain't the bank. There's a lot more to the bank than the money in my pocket, the same as there's a lot more to God than the power he provides alkies to not have to drink today. That's why in the third step, we can turn our will and our life over to the care of that God as we've understood God.

And in the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous, that's precisely what it says. It says he can choose any concept of God he likes, provided it makes sense to him. See, you're going to splash your shoes.

Should have paid before we started.

You know, in the beautiful book it says he can choose any concept of God he likes, provided it makes sense to him. So that's why with my troops, I hold them back. I say we're going to find something that makes sense to you that you can understand and believe in. At 2:00 in the morning when them demons are screaming and your ass is in a sling and you got to drink so bad your guts are being ripped out, you better have more going for you than the fact that you don't want to do it.