The All California Young People in AA conference in Sacramento, CA
My
name
is
Joe.
I'm
an
alcoholic,
it's
good
to
be
here.
Had
some
fun
this
weekend
being
an
alcoholic.
One
of
the
definitions
of
alcoholic
insanity
is
lack
of
proportion,
the
inability
to
think
straight.
I
get
invited
to
come
here
a
few
months
ago
and
I
automatically
see
how
early
I
can
leave
and
how
much
we
can
do
while
we're
gone.
Umm,
I
left
on
Thursday
to
be
here
on
Sunday.
That
wasn't
driving.
That
was
flying
to
San
Francisco
and
the
Lake
Tahoe
and
day
and
a
half
in
San
Francisco.
I
could
really
tell
that
the
guy
that
Jim
asked
for
a
glass
of
water
and
he
brought
me
a
glass
of
water.
He
asked
an
alcoholic
for
a
glass
of
water.
You
get
3.
I
understand
that.
I
want
to
thank
the
committee
for
asking
me
to
come.
It's
both
the
privilege
and
honor
to
be
able
to
do
this
as
long
as
I
understand
who
gets
the
credit,
and
I
hope
that
that's
not
me.
When
I
when
I
try
to
do
that,
I
get
in
a
lot
of
trouble.
I
guess
the
only
reason
I'm
here
today
is
to
share
with
you
the
grace
of
God
in
my
life
and
the
miracle
that
has
happened.
I
got
sober
August
17th,
1982
and
I've
been
clean
and
sober
ever
since.
And
I
don't
know
how
a
guy
like
maybe
has
that
happen.
I,
I
would
like
to
say
I
don't
know
how
a
guy
like
me
does
that,
but
the
very
best
a
guy
like
me
can
do
is
drink
and
take
drugs
and
destroy
everybody
around
him
and,
and
his
own
life.
So
I
really
don't
know
how
this
happens,
this
gift
of
sobriety.
I've
I've
tried
to
learn
to
be
grateful
for
that.
And
I
think
gratitude
is
an
expression
rather
than
a
feeling,
although
I
do
feel
grateful.
I
believe
like
what
I
learned
a
little
bit
about
love
is
that
love
is
not
only
a
feeling,
but
it's
action.
And
I
think
gratitude
is
the
same
thing
for
me.
And
the
way
I
express
my
gratitude
is
to
give
freely
what
was
given
to
me.
I
think
I
woke
up
this
morning
a
little
early.
I
was
excited
and
and
I
was
really
reminded
of
an
Alcoholics
mind,
or
at
least
mine.
And
I
thought
of
a
story
that
I
heard
one
time
I'll
share
with
you
about
how
we
think
and
it's
about
this
guy
who's
been
sober
forever.
God
bless
him.
And
God
forbid
he's
on
his
deathbed.
His
wife
is
there.
He
looks
up
at
his
wife
and
he
says,
honey,
after
all
these
years,
I've
realized
something.
She
says,
what's
that?
He
says,
well,
you
were
there
when
I
had
my
first
stroke.
You
were
right
there
and
you
stood
by
me.
You
were
there
that
time
I
got
shot.
You
were
right
there
and
you
stood
by
me.
You
were
there
when
I
lost
all
our
money
in
business.
You've
always
been
right
there.
You've
always
stood
by
me.
And
after
all
these
years,
I've
realized
one
thing.
You're
a
friggin
jinx.
When
I
heard
that,
I
thought,
you
know,
that's
just
how
I
think,
You
know,
there's
a
there's
a
part
of
me
that
that
refuses
several
things.
There's
a
part
of
me
that
refuses
to
take
the
responsibility
unless
it's
something
good
and
then
I
take
the
credit.
There's
a
part
of
me
that
has
to
blame
somebody
or
something
for
why
I
feel
the
way
I
do.
And
there's
a
part
of
Maine
that
wants
to
grab
on
to
something
that
I
can
do.
And
I
believe
in
this
program.
We
we
call
that
ego.
I
could
bore
you
with
a
long
story
of
17
years
of
drinking
and
a
lot
of
drugs,
confusion,
pain,
good
times.
But
there's
another
story
that
I
think
tells
you
most
about
my
17
years
of
drinking.
And
it's
about,
and
it's
also
for
your
new
people.
It's
it's,
it's
a
Riddle.
And
the
Riddle
is
which
ones
the
alcoholic.
And
it's
about
these
two
identical
twin
brothers,
identical
in
every
way
but
one.
And
they're
growing
up
across
the
street
from
a
House
of
ill
repute.
This
is
the
Sunday
morning
meeting.
I
usually
would
say
whorehouse,
but
I
won't.
And
they're
growing
up
across
the
street
from
this
house,
and
they're
watching
men
come
and
go,
and
one
of
them
really
wonders
what's
going
on
in
there.
And
one
of
them
doesn't
really
care.
567
years
old.
One
of
them
thinks
about
it
a
lot.
And
one
day
he
talks
his
little
brother
into
saving
up
$0.50.
And
they're
going
to
go
over
there
and
they're
going
to
ask
one
of
these
men
what's
going
on
in
there.
And
they
wait
for
one
of
these
guys
to
come
out
and
he's
all
smiles.
And
one
brother
says,
what?
They
walk
up
to
this
guy
and
they
say
what's
going
on
in
there?
He
says,
well,
I'm
not
going
to
tell
you,
but
I'll
give
you
a
hint.
It
makes
you
feel
really
good
and
you
have
to
pay
for
it.
So
they
go
a
couple
more
years
and
one
brother
thinks
about
it
a
lot
and
the
other
one
doesn't
think
about
it
much.
And
one
day
the
brother
that's
been
thinking
about
it
gets
the
other
brother
to
get
$0.50
and
they're
going
to
go
over
there
and
they're
going
to
buy
$0.50
worth
of
what
they're
selling.
And
they
walk
up
to
this
house
and
this
little
old
lady
answers
the
door
and
she
says,
what
do
you
want?
And
one
brother
says,
we
want
to
buy
$0.50
worth
of
what
you're
selling.
She
grabs
him
by
the
collar
and
she
pulls
him
in
this
house
and
bangs
their
heads
together
for
about
10
minutes
and
throws
him
back
on
the
sidewalk.
And
they're
walking
down
the
sidewalk
and
one
brother
looks
at
the
other
brother
and
he
says,
I
sure
am
glad
we
didn't
buy
$5
worth.
And
the
other
one
kept
going
back
for
more.
Which
ones?
The
alcoholic.
But
when
I
do
get
a
chance
to
do
this,
to
share
with
you
or
to
sit
in
my
living
room
and
listen
to
another
alcoholic,
when
I
get
to
listen
to
one
of
you
at
a
meeting,
when
I
get
to
talk
about
my
alcoholism.
Personally,
I
believe
the
most
important
part
of
my
alcoholism,
because
it's
also
the
reason
that
I'm
here
today,
is
the
1st
13
years
before
I
ever
took
a
drink.
I
took
my
first
drink
when
I
was
13
years
old
because
I
needed
something.
I
wasn't
right.
I
didn't
fit
and
the
13
years
that
preceded
that
drink
were
in
the
middle
of
a
family
where
I
shouldn't
have
felt
that
way.
And
I
don't
know
about
any
of
you,
but
age
10/11/12,
I
can
remember
thinking
that
if
the
spaceship
would
land
in
my
backyard
and
a
little
Green
Man
would
get
out
and
say
you,
you
weren't
really
born
here
on
this
planet.
This
has
been
a
test.
I
would
have
said,
yeah,
yeah,
that
explains
you,
you
know,
because
I
feel
different
and
I
feel
separate
and
I
feel
out
of
place
and
there's
something
not
right
about
me.
And
how
come
my
brothers
and
sisters
can
do
this
and
that?
How
come
my
sister
can
yell
and
scream
at
my
dad?
And
next
day
they
hug
and
they
make
up.
I
get
mad
at
my
dad
and
I
go
to
bed,
and
those
feelings
just
turn
around
inside
of
me
and
I
can't
do
anything
with
him.
And
it
doesn't
get
better.
How
come
she
can
do
that
and
I
can't?
I
was
always
comparing
myself
to
the
world
and
I
just
didn't
quite
fit.
And
I
came
to
this
program
and
I,
I
left
my
last
treatment
center
and
I
heard
that
we
have
a
mental
and
a
physical
and
spiritual
disease.
And
I
knew
a
lot
about
the
symptoms.
I'd
been
a
therapist.
I'd
been
a
therapist
in
a
treatment
center
drinking
with
the
director
of
the
program
that
I
worked
for.
And
I
used
to
give
great
lectures
on
THIQ
and
neurotransmitters
and
chemical
enzyme
reactions.
I
knew
about
these
symptoms,
but
no
one
ever
talked
to
me
about
a
spiritual
malady.
And
I
heard
this
term,
spiritual
malady.
And
my
alcoholic
ego,
that
part
of
Maine
that
wants
to
keep
me
separate,
that
part
of
me
that
wants
to
make
me
different
from
you.
You
see,
I'm
either
the
wellest
person
in
the
room
or
I'm
the
sickest
person
in
the
room,
that
there's
a
part
of
me
that
has
to
keep
me
different
and
separate
and
apart.
And
that
part
of
me
said
spiritual
malady,
that
must
be
really
heavy.
You
know,
probably
at
the
moment
of
birth,
the
sky
opened
up
in
a
lightning
bolt,
came
down
and
struck
me
as
I
was
coming
out
of
my
mother.
If
I
can
only
find
out
why
that
happened,
everything
will
be
all
right.
You
know,
it's
got
to
be
Freudian.
It's
got
to
be
heavy.
And
the
people
that
worked
with
me
when
I
came
to
this
program
that
still
worked
with
me
today
said
that
it
was
very
simple,
this
spiritual
malady,
and
that
it
was
described
several
times
in
our
big
book.
And
unfortunately,
I
started
reading
this
book
when
I
was
pretty
new.
And
in
the
doctor's
opinion,
it
said
we
were
restless,
irritable,
discontented.
My
God,
the
first
time
I
read
that,
I
thought,
you
know,
that's
how
I
felt
before
I
ever
took
a
drink.
And
that's
how
I
felt
when
the
alcohol
and
the
drugs
were
not
working.
And
that's
how
I
felt
six
months
sitting
around
this
program
waiting
for
this
to
happen
by
osmosis,
thinking
I
was
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous
because
I
was
going
to
meetings.
That's
me.
That's
the
very
best
I
can
do.
Another
part
of
his
chapter
said
that
a
part
of
our
disease
differentiates
us
and
sets
us
apart
like
a
distinct
entity.
And
I
thought,
my
God,
that's
how
I
felt
when
I
was
a
kid,
before
I
ever
took
a
drink.
Another
part
of
the
book,
in
the
chapter
to
the
agnostic
talks
about
untreated
alcoholism
and
the
unmanageability
of
my
life
and
the
spiritual
malady.
Today,
I
don't
see
any
difference
between
those
three
things.
If
you're
curious
at
all
and
you
want
to
see
whether
you
still
suffer
from
untreated
alcoholism,
go
home
and
read
page
52
and
see
how
you're
doing
with
personal
relationships.
Says
we're
having
trouble
with
personal
relationships.
We
can't
control
our
emotions.
Pray
to
misery
and
depression.
We
have
a
feeling
of
uselessness.
We're
full
of
fear.
We're
unhappy.
And
I
thought,
my
God,
that's
how
I
felt
before
I
ever
took
a
drink.
That's
how
I
felt
when
the
alcohol
and
the
drugs
weren't
working.
And
that's
how
I
felt
sitting
around
this
program,
dying
of
untreated
alcoholism.
That's
me.
That's
the
very
best
I
can
do.
I
heard
George
Carlin
a
few
weeks
ago
and
he
talked
about
language,
what
we
do
as
humans,
especially
in
America
with
language,
he
said.
You
know,
in
World
War
One
they
used
to
call
it
shell
shock,
and
that's
pretty
graphic
and
it's
pretty
descriptive.
And
nowadays,
after
several
wars,
they
call
it
post
traumatic
syndrome.
You
know
that
that
sounds
much
nicer.
Sounds
nice.
And
I
thought,
you
know,
my
God,
that's
what
we
do
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Rather
than
say
to
you
that
my
friend
so
and
so
went
out
and
drank,
We,
we
like
to
use
little
terms
like
he
slipped,
he
stepped
off
the
podium,
There
was
a
banana.
He's
he
fell
on
the
floor.
There
was
a
bottle
of
booze.
It
fell
into
his
mouth,
you
know,
slip.
It
sounds
much
nicer.
You
know,
rather
than
tell
you
that
I
suffer
from
lack
of
power
in
the
spiritual
malady
is
my
problem,
I'd
rather
tell
you
that
I
suffer
from
low
self
esteem.
You
know,
and
I
started
thinking
about
that
because
that's
one
of
the
big
things
in
Southern
California.
They
tell
me
it
means
is
what
your
problem
is
really
is
low
self
esteem.
I
was
given
the
grace
at
Christmas
this
year
to
celebrate
my
7th
sober
Christmas
and
for
the
first
time
in
my
life
my
family
came
to
where
I
live.
The
first
time
in
my
life
they
came
to
where
I
live
for
Christmas.
And
here's
a
guy
that
wasn't
invited
home
for
seven
years
a
long
time
ago.
And
I
was
in
the
hotel
where
my
family
was,
and
I
was
waiting
for
them
to
come
out.
And
I
saw
a
guy
from
the
program.
We've
never
talked,
but
he
recognized
me.
And
he
came
over
and
we
were
talking
and
I
was
telling,
I
was
trying
to
tell
him
about
the
grace
of
God
in
my
life.
And
I
said,
you
know,
I'm
just
in
awe
of
this
power
that
my
family
would
really
come
to
where
I
live
for
the
first
time
in
my
life
for
Christmas.
And
he
says,
why
don't
you
feel
like
you
deserve
that?
And
I
wanted
to
say
to
him
what
my
sponsor
told
me
a
long
time
ago.
Thank
God
it
ain't
about
justice.
If
everyone
in
this
room
got
what
they
deserve,
probably
none
of
us
would
be
here.
It's
about
grace,
mercy.
I
said
no,
I
really
don't
feel
like
I
deserve
this.
And
he
said,
do
you
know
where
that
feeling
comes
from?
And
I
said
no
because
I
wanted
to
hear
what
he
had
to
say.
And
he
said
that
comes
from
low
self
esteem.
You
know,
here
I
am
trying
to
talk
to
somebody
about
the
grace
of
God
in
my
life
and
he's
telling
me
that
I
suffer
from
low
self
esteem.
I
have
probably
had
more
esteem
for
myself
than
anybody
ever
will
for
me.
I
have
probably
loved
myself
more
than
anyone
will
ever
love
me.
And
I
drank.
And
I
have
probably
hated
myself
more
than
anyone
will
ever
hate
me.
And
I
drank.
But
you
see,
there's
a
part
of
Maine
that
wants
to
grab
on
to
something
that
I
can
work
on.
I
can
do
it,
and
if
I
can't
do
it,
there's
somebody
in
this
room
that
can
do
it
for
me.
I
can
believe
in
the
group.
I
can
believe
in
my
sponsor.
I
can
believe
in
this
book
if
I
only
work
the
steps
because
it's
got
to
be
something
that
I
can
grab.
See,
self
esteem
I
can
work
on.
I
know
how
to
go
take
courses
and
books
and
I
know
how
to
have
you
pump
me
up
with
all
the
self
esteem
I
need.
See,
that's
something
that
I
can
do.
But
if
I
tell
you
that
I
suffer
from
lack
of
power
and
really
admit
that
there's
not
much
that
I
can
do.
And
I
think
a
lot
of
times
in
Alcoholics
and
honest,
we
take
the
words
that
normal
people
out
there
in
the
world
can
use
because
see,
they
don't
understand
us.
I
mean,
people
all
the
time.
And
I
tell
them,
I'm
seven
years
sober.
I
always
exaggerate
a
little
bit,
you
know,
because
I'm
in
my
7th
year.
I'm
well
into
myself.
I
just
had
my
6th
birthday
in
August.
I'm
well
into
my
7th
year.
And
they
say
great
job,
you've
done
a
great
job.
And
you
want
to
say
to
me
I
haven't
done
shit?
As
a
matter
of
fact,
I've
done
everything
that
would
probably
get
most
of
you
drunk,
but
for
some
reason,
God
has
seen
fit
to
keep
me
sober.
I
tried
to
explain
to
my
mother
the
first
time
she
heard
me
speak
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous
that
the
day
I
showed
up
at
my
daddy's
funeral
drunk
and
couldn't
do
anything
about
that,
but
I
really
didn't
want
to,
that
I
had
no
choice.
And
the
second
time
she
heard
me
speaking
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
after
I
had
made
amends
to
her
and
told
her
about
this
program,
she
looked
at
me
and
she
said,
you
know,
I
really
understand
that
you
really
didn't
have
a
choice
about
showing
up
drunk
at
your
daddy's
funeral.
And
sometimes
you're
sitting
in
your
living
room
and
you
try
to
talk
to
another
alcoholic,
and
sometimes
they're
in
that
place
where
it
clicks.
And
sometimes
they
understand
that
they
can't
do
anything
about
it.
And
sometimes
they
still
think
that
there's
something
that
they
can
do.
And
I
don't
know
how
that
happens.
And
I
don't
know
what
beats
us
into
that
state.
Except
my
book
tells
me
that
there
is
only
one
great
persuader,
something
that
beats
you
into
a
state
of
reasonableness
more
than
any
therapist,
mother,
father,
child,
husband,
wife
will
ever
be
able
to
beat
you
into.
That's
alcohol.
And
all
I
know
is
that
I
drink
every
drop
that
I
could.
Until
I
woke
up
one
day
in
August
1982
and
the
miracle
happened.
I
couldn't
drink
and
I
don't
know
how
that
happens
and
I
was
in
a
state
of
reasonableness,
but
there
was
there
is
a
part
of
me,
there
is
a
part
of
me
that
would
like
to
tell
you
that
I
suffer
from
anything
but
something
that
I
can't
do
anything
about.
Slow
self
esteem.
You
need
to
love
me
until
I
can
love
myself.
You
know
that
assumes
you
can
love
me
enough
to
keep
me
sober.
Of
course
we
love
each
other.
Of
course
you
love
me
until
I
can
love
myself.
But
neither
one
of
those
things
are
what's
going
to
keep
me
sober,
and
I
forget
that
because
it's
got
to
be
something
I
can
grab
on
to
and
do
something
with.
So
here's
this
kid.
Ten,
11-12
years
old.
Baffled
because
what
they're
saying
to
me
doesn't
match
what
this
is
saying
to
me.
And
they're
saying
things
to
me
like
the
one
that
used
to
baffle
me
more
than
anything
else.
I
don't
know
if
any
of
you
ever
heard
this,
but
I
heard
it
from
teachers
and
coaches
and
counselors
and
mommy
and
daddy.
They
used
to
say
to
me,
you
have
so
much
potential.
And
I
used
to
wonder
where
is
it?
And
I
used
to
get
those
moments
of
clarity
laying
in
bed.
And
I
used
to
say
to
myself,
where
is
this
potential
they
keep
telling
me
about?
Because
I
know
I
need
an
edge.
And
I
found
potential.
I
found
potential
in
a
bottle
of
stuff
that
made
me
feel
really
good.
All
of
a
sudden
I
heard
about
some
stuff
that
makes
you
feel
good
and
I
was
interested
and
I
took
a
drink
of
that
stuff
and
something
happened.
It
took
away
that
stuff,
took
away
that
thing.
It
took
away
that
thing
that
you
all
told
me
about
that
I
never
knew
what
it
was.
I
explored
it
in
psychology.
I
explored
it
in
college.
I
explored
it
as
a
therapist.
There
were
idiots
when
I
was
a
therapist
that
actually
thought
I
was
interested
in
helping
somebody
else
rather
than
just
finding
out
about
what's
wrong
with
me.
You
know
that
question
that
some
of
us
have
most
of
our
life
and
for
some
of
us
it
never
gets
answered
until
we
get
here?
What's
wrong
with
me?
And
The
funny
thing
is
a
couple
years
after
I
started
drinking
and
when
I
discovered
drugs,
all
of
a
sudden
their
question
turned
into
my
question.
And
we
matched,
but
it
was
still
confusing
because
they
were
saying
what's
wrong
with
you?
They
didn't
say
you
have
so
much
potential
anymore.
And
I
had
found
some
and
it
never
really,
it
was
never
In
Sync.
When
I
didn't
have
it,
when
I
didn't
know
where
the
potential
was,
they
said
I
should
have.
When
I
finally
found
something
that
gave
me
potential,
then
they
wondered
what
was
wrong
with
me,
what
I
think
and
what
I
feel
and
what
they
say
and
what
they
feel
never
really
seems
to
match.
And
I
don't
fit.
And
I
search
out
people
where
I
fit,
and
I
search
out
those
people
that
have
that
same
problem.
And
they're
walking
around
wondering
what's
wrong
with
me.
But
they're
all
afraid
to
say
that,
and
we
look
around
for
it.
We
heard
that
it
was
in
San
Francisco.
We
all
got
in
the
bus.
We
went
to
San
Francisco.
It
wasn't
there.
Every
time
I
got
somewhere,
it
had
moved.
We
heard
it
was
in
Boulder,
Co.
We
got
back
in
the
bus
and
went
to
Boulder,
Co.
It
wasn't
there
either,
but
once
in
a
while
you'd
find
it
and
you'd
want
to
have
it
again,
and
you'd
want
to
have
it
again.
You'd
want
to
have
it
again.
I
found
it
in
a
bottle.
I
found
it
in
a
syringe.
I
found
it
in
a
woman.
I
found
it
in
a
pile
of
money.
I
found
it
once
in
a
while
in
a
new
geographical
location.
I
found
it
once
in
a
while
in
another
group
of
people.
And
when
it
didn't
work
anymore,
I
moved
somewhere
else,
to
some
other
thing,
to
some
other
woman,
to
some
more
money
or
less
money
here.
The
last
place
I
ever
looked
was
the
1st
place
you
ever
told
me.
Imagine
the
grace
in
that
1st
place
you
told
me
was
the
last
place
I
ever
thought
to
look,
and
that's
deep
down
within
each
and
everyone
of
us.
My
drinking
and
drug
me
drugging
took
me
all
to
all
the
right
places.
What
I'm
going
to
share
with
you
has
nothing
to
do
with
why
I
say
I'm
an
alcoholic.
I
think
a
lot
of
times
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
we
spend
too
much
time
talking
about
our
common
differences
rather
than
our
common
problem.
I
think
our
preamble
says
that
we
should
share
our
experience,
strength,
and
hope
with
each
other
so
that
we
can
solve
our
common
problem.
And
I
think
a
lot
of
times
we
spend
a
lot
of
time
talking
about
our
common
differences.
Because,
you
see,
I
went
to
the
penitentiary
when
I
was
19.
I
went
to
ten
treatment
centers.
That
has
nothing
to
do
with
Virtue.
That
has
to
do
with
having
a
great
Blue
Cross
Blue
Shield
card.
I
have
a
Blue
Cross
Blue
Shield
card
that
I
don't
need
anymore,
but
I
used
to
use
it
for
30
days
once
a
year
because
that's
what
they
allowed.
Some
of
you
go
on
summer
vacations.
I
go
to
treatment.
I
need
a
little
rest.
I
go
to
treatment
or
the
county
jail.
One
time
they
put
me
in
the
penitentiary
and
I
said
this
is
not
what
I
signed
up
for.
It's
a
little
longer
than
my
ego
needs.
My
ego
needs
about
5
or
10
days
to
get
a
plan.
Every
time
I
left
treatment,
I
always
had
a
plan.
I
started
going
to
treatment
when
I
was
19
years
old
because
I
didn't
know
what
was
wrong
with
me
and
I
wanted
to
quit
for
somebody.
It
didn't
work,
and
I
wanted
to
quit
when
I
was
21,
after
they
let
me
out
of
the
penitentiary
and
on
and
on
and
on.
And
nothing,
none
of
that
has
anything
to
do
with
why
I
say
I'm
an
alcoholic.
Because,
you
see,
if
I'm
an
alcoholic
because
I
went
to
ten
treatment
centers,
what
does
that
do
to
those
of
you
in
the
room
that
never
went
to
treatment?
Does
that
mean
you're
not?
Of
course
not.
I'm
not
an
alcoholic
because
I
went
to
the
penitentiary
either
'cause
if
you
didn't,
that
doesn't
mean
you're
not
either.
I
came
to
this
program
and
I
had
spent
so
much
time
trying
to
find
out
why
by
looking
at
the
results
of
where
my
disease
took
me.
Thank
God
for
a
guy
that
said,
why
don't
you
take
all
the
drama?
Why
don't
you
take
all
the
results
of
where
your
disease
took
you
and
find
out
why
rather
than
looking
at
the
results?
Because
see,
some
of
you
have
never
been
to
the
penitentiary,
some
of
you
have
never
been
to
jail,
some
of
you
have
never
had
a
502,
some
of
you
have
never
been
to
treatment
and
you're
full
blown
Alcoholics.
But
you
got
to
be
given
the
right
questions.
I
used
to
think
the
Big
Book
was
filled
with
answers,
and
especially
when
you're
looking
at
the
first
three
steps,
you
will
find
no
answers
unless
you
look
within
your
own
experience.
The
questions
are
in
the
Big
Book,
The
answers
are
within
me.
And
I
came
to
this
program
and
thank
God
some
people
started
to
talk
to
me
about
a
common
problem
that
I
don't
care
if
you're
a
70
year
old
little
woman
sitting
in
my
living
room,
if
you're
an
alcoholic,
you
and
I
can
talk
about.
And
I
had
days
and
months
and
several
years
filled
with
those
common
symptoms,
that
common
problem
in
my
drinking.
And
I'll
share
two
of
those
day
with
days
with
you.
One
of
them
was
the
day
of
my
father's
funeral.
And
I
was
brought
from
a
little
white
room
in
a
sanitarium
where
I
had
been
detoxed
from
drugs
and
alcohol.
And
I
don't
need
to
embellish
on
this
and
I
don't
need
to
exaggerate
it,
but
at
that
time
I
was
19
years
old,
and
I
was
on
125
milligrams
of
methadone
a
day
for
a
year
and
a
half.
I
was
taken
between
40
and
60
orange
pharmaceutical
quaaludes
a
day,
15
at
a
time
three
or
four
times
a
day.
I
was
shooting
heroin
on
top
of
that
that
did
nothing
and
drinking
vodka
all
I
could
and
I
had
cashed
$25,000
worth
of
checks
in
one
week
for
a
guy
that
wanted
to
help
me
out.
I'm
still
afraid
of
those
guys.
Let
me
help
you
out,
brother,
you
know.
And
they
had
told
me
not
to
cash
anymore.
And
I
woke
up
one
day
and
I
was
sick
and
they
told
me
not
to
cash
any.
And
I
had
no
choice.
And
I
went
and
I
cashed
a
couple
and
the
security
guard
came
up
and
put
a
gun
at
my
head
and
they
put
me
in
the
Kalamazoo,
MI
County
jail.
And
my
brother
came
and
got
me
out
and
he
said
you
can
cold
Turkey
here
in
this
jail
or
you
can
go
to
the
Ballot
Creek
Sanitarium.
Well,
once
again,
there's
no
choice.
Take
me
to
the
sanitarium
because
I
know
what's
in
a
sanitarium,
doctors
and
drugs.
And
I
know
how
to
talk
to
doctors
to
get
drugs,
so
it'll
be
comfortable.
It
wasn't.
They
gave
me
10
milligrams
of
methadone
one
day
and
then
locked
me
in
a
little
white
room
for
36
days.
On
the
34th
day,
my
father
died
in
that
same
hospital
in
the
intensive
care
unit
from
his
third
stroke,
and
they
took
me
to
his
room
to
watch
him
die
from
my
little
room.
He
didn't
know
I
was
in
that
hospital,
he
didn't
know
I
was
dying,
and
I
didn't
know
he
was
dying.
Talk
about
delusion.
And
I
got
to
watch
my
father
die,
and
I
got
to
watch
my
family
point
their
fingers
at
me
and
say
you
killed
him.
And
then
I
got
to
go
back
to
that
little
white
room
and
live
with
that
for
two
more
days
without
any
drugs
or
alcohol.
On
the
36th
day,
they
took
me
out
of
that
room
and
they
brought
me
to
his
funeral.
And
before
I
went
to
the
funeral,
they
took
me
by
my
mother's
house,
a
guard,
a
guard
brought
me.
And
my
mother
said
something
to
me
she
never
said
to
me
in
the
seven
years
that
I've
been
drinking.
She
said,
please
don't
show
up
at
your
daddy's
funeral
messed
up.
And
with
all
the
love
and
all
the
intention
and
everything
that
I
could
muster,
I
said
to
her,
I
will
not
show
up
at
my
daddy's
funeral
messed
up.
And
I
meant
it.
And
I
meant
it
when
I
asked
him
could
I
go
across
the
street
to
say
hello
to
a
friend.
And
I
meant
it
when
that
friend
asked
me
did
I
want
to
have
a
beer
just
to
calm
down.
And
I
meant
that
when
I
said
I'll
only
have
two.
And
somewhere
between
the
second
one
and
the
20th
one,
I
lost
the
power
of
choice
over
how
much
I
was
going
to
drink.
And
I
showed
up,
messed
up
at
my
father's
funeral
to
the
point
where
that
guard
chained
me
to
a
tree
by
my
ankle
and
my
own
father's
funeral.
And
I
didn't
want
to
do
that.
I
didn't
want
to
do
that.
A
lot
of
times
in
Southern
California
they
they
say
this
thing
that
just
baffles
me.
I'm
searching
California
to
find
out
the
guy
that
made
it
up
so
I
can
talk
to
him.
And
what
they
say
is
just
don't
drink
no
matter
what.
You
know,
someone
that
I
love
more
than
anybody
in
the
world
used
to
say
that
to
me
and
I
couldn't
pull
it
off.
Just
don't
drink
no
matter
what.
And
I'm
a
guy
that
drinks
no
matter
what.
You
know,
as
a
matter
of
fact,
if
you're
a
person
that
can
just
not
drink
no
matter
what,
you're
probably
in
the
wrong
program
because
we
are
people
that
drink
no
matter
what.
And
where
I
got
sober
in
Denver,
Co,
they
told
me
you
probably
will
drink
no
matter
what
unless
something
major
happens
here
for
you.
And
I
don't
know
how
a
guy
like
me
doesn't
drink
no
matter
what,
but
for
the
grace
of
God,
about
two
years
later,
they
let
me
out
of
the
Michigan
State
Penitentiary
for
forgery.
And
I
reported
to
my
parole
officer,
and
he
told
me
what
they
do
if
I
drank
or
drugged
again.
And
they
told
me
what
he
told
me,
what
it
had
done
to
my
body,
and
he
told
me
what
it
had
done
to
my
life.
He
laid
out
about
20
reasons
why
I
shouldn't.
And
I
walked
out
of
his
office
and
I
felt
great
and
I
had
a
plan,
and
this
is
what
I
was
going
to
do.
And
on
my
second
report,
28
days
out
of
the
penitentiary,
with
every
sufficient
reason
in
the
world
not
to
drink,
I
walked
out
of
his
office
after
my
second
report
into
a
bar
to
buy
a
pack
of
cigarettes,
picked
up
a
drink
and
woke
up
six
days
later,
1A
and
20
miles
away.
And
I
didn't
want
to
do
that.
And
I
didn't
know
why
I
did
that.
And
I
don't
know
why
I
do
that.
And
I
came
to
this
program
and
you
told
me
two
simple
things
that
tied
those
days
and
a
lot
of
other
days
together
for
why
I
do
that.
Because
you
see,
the
day
of
my
daddy's
funeral,
I
put
some
alcohol
in
my
system.
And
I
have
an
allergy
to
alcohol
that's
stronger
than
anything
I
can
bring
to
mind,
even
the
love
for
a
mother.
And
on
the
28th
day
of
the
penitentiary,
they
told
me
about
an
alcoholic
mind
that,
given
every
sufficient
reason
in
the
world
not
to
does.
You
see,
I
have
a
body
that
has
an
allergy
and
a
mind
that
tells
me
I
don't.
And
this
time
I
can
eat
strawberries.
You
know,
if
I
eat
strawberries,
I
break
out
with
a
rash.
Well,
when
I
drink
alcohol,
I
don't
break
out
with
a
rash.
I
break
out
with
a
screaming
Mimi,
craving
for
more
alcohol
that's
behind
anything
I
can
do
until
that
goes
away.
And
sometimes
it
lasts
for
an
hour,
and
sometimes
it
lasts
for
a
week.
And
sometimes
that
craving
goes
away
with
two
drinks.
And
sometimes
that
craving
doesn't
go
away
with
20.
I
still
want
more,
and
I
can't
stop
that
until
it
decides
to
stop.
But
I
have
a
mind
that
tells
me
this
time
it'll
be
different.
And
you
can
eat
strawberries,
but
you
won't
get
a
rash
this
time,
even
though
you've
gotten
a
rash
every
other
time
you
ever
ate
them.
This
time
you
won't.
I
have
a
mind
that
doesn't
remember
with
enough
force
the
memory
of
what
happened
last
time
ago,
and
the
pieces
started
coming
together
when
I
got
here
and
people
started
talking
to
me
about
our
common
problem.
You
can
see,
because
it
doesn't
matter
if
I've
ever
been
to
the
penitentiary
to
identify
that,
and
it
has
to
do
with
two
points.
Can
you
control
the
amount
once
you
start
and
can
you
control
the
stop
once
you
stop?
And
that's
all
I
had
to
look
at.
As
a
matter
of
fact,
they
told
me
to
take
all
the
drama
and
skim
it
off
the
top
and
look
at
those
two
points.
Can
you
control
the
amount
once
you
start
and
can
you
control
the
stop
once
you
stop?
And
I
saw
that.
That's
me.
In
August
1982,
I
woke
up
in
a
motel
room
in
Denver,
Co,
and
circumstances
weren't
that
bad
out
here.
There
was
nobody
banging
on
the
door.
There
was
Number
Lover
threatening
me.
There
was
Number
family
on
the
phone.
There
was
no
landlord.
There
was
no
police.
There
was
no
lawyers.
There
was
no
PO.
It
all
gone.
There
was
me
and
a
bottle
of
alcohol
and
some
stuff
down
the
street
that
I
could
go
and
get,
and
a
phone
that
I
could
pick
up
and
get
some
money.
And
all
I
know
is
that
the
night
before
that
something
must
have
happened
because
I
woke
up
that
next
morning,
there
was
some
alcohol
in
a
bottle
and
there
was
a
phone
and
I
could
get
in
the
car
and
I
could
drive
down
the
street
to
go
get
what
I
wanted
and
I
couldn't.
And
I
had
been
to
a
treatment
center
about
8
weeks
earlier
and
left
after
three
days
because
I
felt
better.
I
think
one
of
the
most
dangerous
things
for
a
new
alcoholic
in
this
program
is
to
do
things
for
him
that
make
him
feel
better
before
that
magical
thing
happens
when
you
can't
imagine
life
either
with
it
or
without
it.
But
I
woke
up
that
morning,
I
picked
up
the
phone
and
you
know,
all
I
could
say
to
that
person
that
I
used
to
get
money
from
was
I
can't
lie
to
you
anymore.
And
then
wonder
why
I
said
that.
And
then
I
picked
up
that
bottle
and
I
couldn't
drink.
And
I
went
to
get
in
my
car
instead
of
going
to
where
where
the
stuff
was
that
I
wanted.
It
turned
and
went
back
to
that
treatment
center.
And
I
walked
in
there
and
I
said,
help
me.
And
you
know,
for
the
first
time
in
my
life,
I
didn't
have
a
plan.
And
about
35
days
later,
they
let
me
out
of
that
place
and
I
was
scared
to
death
because
they
didn't
pump
me
full
of
sunshine
and
they
didn't
give
me
a
diploma
and
they
didn't
pat
me
on
the
back
and
tell
me
everything
would
be
alright.
They
told
me
the
truth.
And
those
are
the
kind
of
people
that
I
learned
about
love
from
and
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Because
when
I
got
out
of
there
and
I
started
to
go
to
meetings,
it
got
better
out
here.
But
that
ain't
where
it
is
for
me
anymore.
The
family
was
behind
me,
I
got
a
new
place
to
live,
making
some
great
friends
and
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
There
was
a
little
period
of
a
pink
cloud
and
one
day
I
woke
up
with
5
1/2
months
of
dryness
and
I
said,
if
this
is
what
sobriety
is
about,
I
don't
want
anything
to
do
with
it
because
it
is
worse.
And
what
is
it?
It
is
restless,
it
is
irritable,
it
is
discontented.
It
is
full
of
fear.
It
is
having
problems
with
personal
relationships.
It
can't
control
its
emotional
nature.
It's
full
of
misery
and
I
hit
a
bottom
sober.
And
I
hope
that
place
happens
for
everyone
here
because
when
that
day
comes,
you
don't
have
to
work
the
program
anymore.
You
don't
have
to
work
the
program
anymore
because
you
finally
see
that
lack
of
power
is
your
dilemma.
And
then
what
you
can
start
to
do
is
to
seek
God,
because
everything
else
you
ever
tried,
even
managing
your
own
life
on
your
own
power
without
drugs
and
alcohol,
even
that
doesn't
work
anymore.
You
see,
I
think
I
left
my
last
treatment
center
still
thinking
that
alcohol
and
drugs
were
my
problem
until
I
met
up
with
some
people
that
said
alcohol
and
drugs,
if
you
were
like
us,
were
not
your
problem.
They
might
have
gotten
you
in
a
lot
of
trouble,
but
they
were
probably
your
only
solution
to
make
the
pain
go
away.
And
that
made
sense
because
I
used
to
go
to
these
treatment
centers
and
they
would
tell
me
two
things,
Joe
Alcohol
and
drugs
are
your
problem.
And
if
you
just
put
them
aside,
everything
will
be
all
right.
And
after
about
the
5th
or
6th
treatment
center,
I
wanted
to
say
to
those
people,
what
do
you
mean
they're
my
problem?
Yeah,
they
get
me
in
a
lot
of
trouble,
but
they're
they're
the
only
thing
left
that
take
the
pain
away.
And
let
me
tell
you
something.
Every
time
I
put
them
aside,
it
doesn't
get
better.
The
further
away
I
get
from
my
last
drink,
the
worse
it
gets.
And
it
is
that
spiritual
malady
that
I
suffer
from
that
was
there
before
I
ever
took
a
drink.
And
thank
God
I
met
some
people
when
I
hit
that
place
at
5
1/2
months
dry.
That
said,
you
know,
there's
a
solution
to
that.
And
you
don't
have
to
sit
around
dying
of
untreated
alcoholism
in
the
program
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
any
longer.
And
I
had
heard
that
man
in
my
very
first
meeting
while
I
was
in
treatment.
And
it
took
me
5
1/2
months
to
ask
him
to
be
my
sponsor
until
I
got
to
that
place
where
there
was
nothing
my
ego
could
grab
on
to
and
say
this
is
what
you
can
do.
There
wasn't
anything
in
the
program
and
I
was
going
to
a
lot
of
meetings
and
I
was
picking
up
ashtrays
and
picking
up
chairs.
As
a
matter
of
fact,
I
hate
to
admit
this,
but
there
was
a
time
in
Denver,
Co
they
used
to
call
me
Joe
Osmosis
because
I
thought
I
was
going
to
get
this
thing
by
sitting
in
meetings
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
next
to
you
old
timers.
It
was
just
going
to
rub
off
on
me.
And
I
used
to
get
angry
when
I
hear
the
promises
on
page
83
because
I
would
say
they're
not
happening
for
me.
And
you
know,
a
man
said
to
me
one
day,
the
kind
of
men
that
I
learned
about
love
from,
a
man
said
to
me,
you
know
how
you
get
the
promises
on
page
83?
You
do
what's
on
Page
1
to
82.
Now
that's
too
simple
for
me.
You
see,
I'm
a
guy.
You
tell
me
this
is
a
textbook.
I
go
to
how
It
works
and
forget
the
roast.
And
I
went
to
that
man
that
I'd
heard
in
my
very
first
meeting
and
I
asked
him
to
be
my
sponsor
and
I
told
him
where
I
was
at.
And
he
said
he
only
knew
one
way
to
do
that.
And
he
said
the
way
that
he
knew
how
to
do
that
was
to
start
on
the
title
page
and
to
go
through
the
1st
164
pages
together.
And
you
know,
since
that
day
I've
never
felt
that
way
as
I
did
when
I
went
to
his
house
that
day.
Now,
every
day
hasn't
been
great,
but
I
have
never
been
that
hopeless,
that
miserable,
that
full
of
fear
since
that
day.
And
we
started
doing
that
and
some
amazing
things
happened.
I
found
out
why
I
did
what
I
did
the
day
at
my
dad's
funeral.
In
the
doctor's
opinion,
and
some
of
there
is
a
solution,
I
found
out
why
I
did
what
I
did
the
day
that
I
was
28
days
out
of
the
penitentiary
and
I
never
knew
why.
And
all
of
a
sudden,
and
doesn't
it
make
sense
if
we
all
come
here
with
this
question
in
the
back
of
our
mind,
what's
wrong
with
me
that
that
should
be
the
first
question
that
get
answered,
gets
answered
when
we
get
here.
And
you
know,
that's
the
first
question
they
started
helping
me
answer.
What's
wrong
with
you?
What
are
you
really
powerless
over?
Are
you
really
an
alcoholic?
Maybe
you're
not.
I
heard
a
man
not
too
long
ago
and
he
talked
about
three
ways
to
approach
the
first
step,
and
he's
worked
with
hundreds
of
Alcoholics.
And
he
said
there's
really
three
types
of
people
that
approach
the
first
step,
and
one
of
them
is
the
bigot.
And
what
the
bigot
is,
is
the
man
that
knows,
and
he
knows
that
he
is,
or
he
knows
that
he
isn't,
it
doesn't
matter,
but
he
knows.
And
that
man
is
filled
with
contempt
prior
to
investigation.
He
said
then
there's
a
man
that's
even
harder
to
work
with,
the
hardest
one
to
work
with
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
and
that's
the
believer,
the
pious
man.
And
he
not
only
knows,
but
he
believes,
and
he's
filled
with
acceptance.
He
just
accepts
everything.
He
reads
page
449
before
he
reads
anything.
And
he
thinks
that
not
only
does
he
need
to
admit
the
first
step,
but
he
needs
to
accept
it.
And
I'm
here
to
tell
you,
if
you're
new
here,
you
do
not
have
to
accept
being
powerless
over
alcohol
and
that
your
life
is
unmanageable
because
maybe
for
the
first
time
in
your
life,
you're
here
because
that
condition
has
become
entirely
unacceptable.
If
you
need
to
accept
the
first
step,
there's
no
reason
to
go
to
God
in
the
second
step.
I
do
not
accept
being
powerless
over
alcohol.
I
admit
that.
I
concede
to
that
and
there's
a
big
difference,
this
guy
said.
Then
there's
the
people
that
need
to
approach
this
program
from
the
way
of
consideration
with
an
open
mind.
And
as
a
matter
of
fact,
they
gave
me
a
prayer
to
use.
Please
God,
let
everything
I
think
I
know
about
myself,
what's
wrong
with
me,
this
program,
these
steps,
let
it
all
be
put
aside
for
an
open
mind
and
a
new
experience.
And
I
started
looking
at
maybe
I
am,
maybe
I'm
not.
Maybe
I
can
control
alcohol.
Maybe
now
that
I'm
sober,
I
can
manage
my
life.
And
they
gave
me
the
grace
and
they
gave
me
the
dignity
to
really
help
me
find
what's
wrong
with
me.
Now,
I'm
not
a
guy
who
wanted
to
change
the
words
in
the
first
step,
but
I'm
a
guy
that
wanted
to
fill
in
the
little
blank
between
the
first
half
and
the
second-half.
You
know,
it
says
we
admit
that
we're
powerless
over
alcohol
and
that
our
lives
have
become
unmanageable.
And
there's
a
little
dash
there.
And
I
wanted
to
read
it
this
way.
I
admit
that
I'm
powerless
over
alcohol
and
drugs,
and
that's
why
my
life
is
unmanageable.
Until
I
really
had
some
time
around
here,
about
five
or
six
months,
trying
to
manage
my
own
life
on
my
own
power
without
drugs
and
alcohol.
To
see
that
the
second-half
of
the
first
step
has
nothing
to
do
with
the
first
half
of
the
first
step,
unless
you're
still
drinking
and
drugging.
And
I
started
to
see
that
about
the
best
I
can
do
trying
to
manage
my
own
life
on
my
own
power
is
the
description
on
page
52.
That's
what
I'm
left
with.
I'm
having
trouble
with
personal
relationships.
I
can't
control
my
emotions.
I'm
prey
to
misery
and
depression.
I
have
a
feeling
of
uselessness.
I'm
full
of
fear.
I'm
unhappy.
And
they
took
me
through
2
little
exercises
that
really
helped
me
see
that
first
step.
And
one
of
them
was
make
a
list
of
the
10
craziest
things
you
ever
did.
And
this
was
to
see
the
insanity.
And
I
made
this
list
of
the
10
craziest
things
I
ever
did.
And
you
know
what?
Every
one
of
them
were
under
the
influence
of
alcohol
or
drugs.
And
this
kind,
loving
gentleman
looked
at
me
and
he
shook
his
head
and
he
said,
I'll
bet
you
10,000
bucks
that
the
number
one
thing
on
your
chart,
the
most
insane
thing
you
ever
did,
was
absolutely
bone
dry
with
nothing
in
your
system.
And
I
said,
what
do
you
mean?
He
said
the
most
insane
thing
that
you've
ever
done
was
to
pick
up
another
drink
based
on
your
history
with
alcohol,
and
you
did
that
with
nothing
in
your
system
at
all.
To
see
the
unmanageability
of
my
life.
They
asked
me
to
make
a
list
of
what
drugs
and
alcohol
used
to
do
for
me,
not
to
me,
for
me.
And
I
made
this
list
about
takes
away
the
pain,
makes
me
feel
strong,
courageous,
funny,
lover,
fighter,
all
these
things.
And
they
said,
now
ask
yourself
one
question.
Can
you,
on
your
own
power,
sit
in
a
chair
and
make
those
things
go
away
or
make
those
things
happen?
And
I
saw
that
my,
the
unmanageability
of
my
life
is
within.
And
you
know,
there's
great
freedom
in
that,
to
stand
here
today
and
say
that
my
life
is
not
unmanageable
because
of
what
goes
on
out
here
anymore.
Because
you
know
what
they
told
me?
If
she
makes
your
life
unmanageable,
if
the
boss
makes
your
life
unmanageable,
if
the
car
makes
your
life
unmanageable,
if
the
money
makes
your
life
unmanageable,
you're
going
to
have
to
go
out
in
the
world
and
fix
the
world
to
get
well.
And
I
had
tried
that.
They
said
the
unmanageability
of
your
life
is
within
and
it's
described
on
page
52.
And
all
of
a
sudden
I
started
to
see
maybe
lack
of
power
is
my
dilemma.
Maybe
I
don't
have
the
power
to
control
the
amount
once
I
start,
and
maybe
I
don't
have
the
power
to
keep
myself
sober.
And
maybe
I
don't
have
the
power
to
manage
my
own
life
now
that
I'm
dry.
Maybe
lack
of
power
really
is
my
dilemma.
And
maybe
I
sub
which
only
a
spiritual
experience
will
conquer.
You
see,
the
way
they
use
that
big
book
with
me
was
to
turn
every
statement
into
a
question.
And
if
I
could
share
one
thing
with
any
of
you
about
how
to
use
that
big
book
is
every
time
it
makes
a
statement,
you
turn
it
into
a
question
for
yourself.
Can
I
do
that?
Is
that
me?
Is
like
a
power
my
problem?
Do
I
suffer
from
this
kind
of
disease?
And
then
all
of
a
sudden,
that
big
book
comes
alive
for
you.
And
it's
you.
It's
not
just
some
story
about
Bill.
When
you're
reading
Bill's
story,
it's
not
just
some
opinion
of
some
doctor.
It's
not
just
some
opinion
of
some
psychiatrist.
It's
not
just
some
100
people
that
maybe
started
this
program,
whether
they
stayed
sober
or
not.
All
of
a
sudden
it's
you.
And
if
it
if
the
problem
is
you,
then
maybe
you'll
see
that
the
solution
is
for
you
too.
And
then
maybe
you'll
see
that
you're
willing
to
go
to
any
length
and
that
you
want
what
these
people
have
to
offer.
Then
you're
ready
to
take
certain
steps.
And
I
started
to
look
at
my
problems
with
God,
doubt,
prejudice,
old
beliefs,
what
I
was
raised
with.
And,
you
know,
they
gave
me
some
real
freedom
when
they
said
I
could
choose
my
own
conception.
And
I
remembered
a
therapist
when
I
was
in
treatment,
my
therapist,
my
therapist,
he
didn't
have
any
other
clients.
I
was
the
only
one.
No,
not
really.
My
therapist
in
treatment
had
said
to
the
Group
One
day,
he
said
that
he
believed
within
each
and
every
one
of
us
was
something
that
we
were
born
with,
whether
we
wanted
to
call
it.
He's
a
very
confused
man.
He's
a
therapist
during
the
day
and
he's
a
monk
at
night,
and
his
name
is
Father
Felix.
And
he
said
to
the
Group
One
day
that
he
believes
each
and
everyone
of
us
have
something
within
us.
And
then
I
could
call
it
whatever
I
wanted
to
call
it,
a
gift,
a
jewel,
the
essence
of
life,
the
power
of
God,
the
spirit
of
the
universe.
And
I
that
day
in
treatment,
I
chose
a
jewel,
a
jewel.
And
he
looked
at
me
and
he
said,
Joe,
you
know,
for
30
years
you've
thrown
mud
on
that
jewel
in
the
form
of
pride,
ego,
intellect,
selfishness,
dishonesty,
self
seeking
fear.
And
I
said,
yeah.
And
he
said,
you
know,
I
believe
there's
a
process
you
can
go
through
to
clear
away
the
mud
that
stands
between
you
and
the
jewel
you
were
given
at
birth.
And
all
I
know
is
about
seven
months
later,
when
I
got
to
the
second
step
in
our
program,
the
book
said
the
very
same
thing.
That
deep
down
within
every
man,
woman
and
child
is
the
power
of
God.
And
that
it
is
only
there
that
he
can
be
found.
But
it
might
be
blocked,
it
might
be
obscured
by
calamity,
pomp,
worship
of
other
things,
but
it's
there.
And
it
told
me
where
and
how
to
find
this
power.
Yes,
God
comes
to
me
through
you.
Yes,
God
comes
to
me
through
the
group.
But
thank
God,
there
were
some
people
in
those
groups
that
said,
why
don't
you
look
within
yourself
to
find
this
power
that
we
have
found.
So
if
it's
three
in
the
morning
and
the
phones
off
the
hook
or
you
can't
run
to
a
meeting,
maybe
God
will
be
able
to
be
there
for
you.
If
you're
in
the
middle
of
a
business
conference,
if
you're
on
the
phone
with
somebody,
if
you're
sitting
in
front
of
your
boss
and
you
can't
say
I
need
to
pause
for
a
minute
and
leave
the
room
so
I
can
get
in
touch
with
God
or
call
somebody,
maybe
God
can
really
be
there
for
you.
And
maybe
you
can
find
a
place
deep
down
within
yourself
where
you
can
find
God.
And
they
asked
me
a
couple
questions.
Was
I
willing
to
believe?
I
said
yes?
And
then
they
asked
me
to
make
a
choice
at
the
second
step.
And
I
don't
know
how
a
guy
like
me
gets
to
a
place
where
in
his
life,
with
the
life
that
I
had,
where
he
really
gets
to
choose
whether
God
is
everything
or
is
nothing,
where
he
really
has
a
choice
about
that.
And
I
made
that
choice
that
day,
that
for
me,
God
will
be
everything.
Because
if
he's
not,
I'm
nothing.
And
I
made
a
decision
to
go
for
that
power.
And
that's
all
the
third
step
is.
But
I
remember
sitting
in
a
meeting
in
north
Denver
when
I
was
doing
the
old
AA
shuffle.
You
know,
I
turned
it
over
and
I
take
it
back.
And
I
turn
it
over
and
I
take
it
back
and
this
old
guy
looked
at
me
that
one
of
these
guys
that
loved
me
enough
to
tell
me
the
truth.
And
he
said,
son,
if
you're
still
doing
that,
you
haven't
turned
it
over.
I
said,
what
do
you
mean?
He
said,
well,
there's
a
difference
between
a
decision
and
a
commitment.
Step
by
itself
is
only
a
decision,
but
there
is
one
hell
of
a
commitment
if
you
follow
it
through
with
the
program
of
action.
I
said,
what
do
you
mean?
He
said,
well,
if
you
tell
someone
to
go
sit
in
the
corner
and
pray
for
ham
and
eggs
and
then
they
just
sit
there,
they'll
probably
starve
to
death.
I
said
I
don't
get
it.
He
said,
well,
if
you
tell
someone
to
go
sit
in
the
corner
and
pray
for
ham
and
eggs
and
then
show
them
how
you
got
up
and
made
one
hell
of
a
commitment
and
put
one
foot
in
front
of
the
other,
they'll
probably
eat
ham
and
eggs.
I
said,
I
don't
get
it.
He
said,
well,
it's
like
a
chicken
and
a
pig
walking
down
the
road
and
they
come
to
a
sign
on
a
church.
It
says
help
feed
the
poor.
And
the
chicken
is
filled
with
virtue
because
this
is
a
wonderful,
lovely
thing
to
do.
And
he
says
to
the
chick,
to
the
pig,
he
says
we
ought
to
do
something
about
that.
And
the
pig
says
what
could
we
do?
And
the
chicken
says
we
could
feed
him
ham
and
eggs
and
the
pig,
the
pig
had
a
little
more
sense
than
I
did
when
I
took
the
third
step
because
he
said
to
the
chicken,
for
you
that's
just
a
simple
decision
to
lay
some
eggs
because
that's
a
wonderful
thing
to
do.
But
for
me,
that's
one
hell
of
a
commitment
because
we're
talking
about
my
life.
And
they
started
to
ask
me,
are
you
a
chicken
or
a
pig?
And
they
started
to
tell
me
those
stupid
riddles
about
3
frogs
sitting
on
a
log.
All
three
decide
to
jump
off.
How
many
are
left?
I
said
none,
they
said
three.
Now
what
are
you
going
to
do?
All
they
did
was
decide.
And
several
months
later,
you
know,
when
I
had
really
looked
in
our
book,
how
many
times,
how
many
times
did
I
heard
how
it
works
1000?
How
many
times
did
I
hear
that
the
description
of
the
alcoholic,
the
chapter
to
the
agnostic,
and
our
personal
adventures
before
and
after
make
Claire
3
pertinent
ideas.
And
I
had
no
clue
what
they
were
even
talking
about
until
I
looked
in
the
book
about
the
description
of
the
alcoholic
and
took
step
one
and
looked
in
the
book
in
the
chapter
to
the
agnostic
and
took
Step
2
and
put
those
things
in
relationship
to
my
personal
adventures
before
the
1st
drink
and
after
the
first
drink.
And
you
know
what?
It
made
clear
3
pertinent
ideas.
That
I'm
an
alcoholic
and
I
can't
manage
my
own
life.
That
no
human
power
can
relieve
my
alcoholism,
and
that
I'm
willing
to
believe
that
God
can
and
will
for
me
if
I
seek
Him.
And
I
made
that
decision.
And
how
many
people
had
ever
told
me
that
there
is
a
requirement
to
the
third
step?
My
God,
I
thought
you
just
read
the
wall.
You
read
the
steps
off
the
wall,
you
do
some
stupid
prayer,
you
write
an
autobiography,
and
you
wait
for
their
promises
on
page
83
to
happen.
And
they
didn't.
But
you
know
what?
When
I
fully
conceded
to
my
innermost
self.
And
there's
a
big
difference
between
fully
conceding
to
your
innermost
self
that
you're
alcoholic
and
saying
that
you're
powerless
over
alcohol
because
of
all
the
drama
and
the
trouble
you
got
in.
But
when
I
fully
conceded
in
my
innermost
self
that
I
am
an
alcoholic
bodily,
mentally
and
spiritually,
my
life
is
unmanageable
sober,
and
that
no
human
power
has
ever
been
able
to
relieve
my
alcoholism.
And,
and
I
made
it.
And
I
made
a
decision
that
I
was
willing
to
believe
that
God
could
and
would
if
I
seek
Him.
How
many,
how
many
of
us
have
ever
been
told
there's
a
requirement
to
the
third
step?
And
they
told
me
there
was,
and
that
that
requirement
was
that
I'd
be
convinced
that
my
life
run
on
my
will
could
hardly
be
a
success.
And
then
they
gave
me
a
page
and
a
half
to
see
how
I
try
to
run
my
life
on
my
will.
I'm
like
the
actor.
I'm
always,
ever
trying
to
arrange
the
lights,
the
ballet
and
the
scenery,
the
rest
of
the
players
in
my
own
way.
I
mean,
I
hate
reading
that
page.
I
especially
hate
reading
that
page
if
I
put
myself
in
there.
If
it's
you
or
the
girl
I'm
involved
with,
then
it's
OK.
Is
he
not
a
self
seeker
even
when
trying
to
be
kind?
Is
he
not,
even
in
his
best
moments,
a
producer
of
confusion
rather
than
harmony?
And
all
of
a
sudden
I
saw
that
was
me
trying
to
run
my
life
on
my
will.
And
then
they
told
me
what
the
third
step
decision
was.
I
always
thought
it
was
the
prayer.
And
I
always
thought
if
I
got
on
my
knees
and
did
the
prayer
with
my
sponsor,
I'd
made
the
decision.
And
they
said
no.
The
decision
is
that
from
hereafter
in
this
life,
God
is
going
to
be
your
director,
your
principal,
and
your
father.
And
that
decision
comes
way
before
the
prayer.
And
I
did
that
prayer
and
I
had
some
idea
that
when
I
did
that
prayer
with
my
sponsor,
the
sky
was
going
to
open
up
and
it
was
going
to
be
there
was
going
to
be
a
big
boom.
We
would
probably
do
it
on
a
mountain
top
in
Colorado.
And
we
sat
in
his
living
room
and
got
on
our
knees
and
did
that
prayer.
And
the
saddest
thing
that
could
ever
happen
to
an
alcoholic
happened.
Nothing.
And
I
said,
Don,
there
was
no
big
boom,
he
said.
Thank
God
they
damn
near
killed
you.
You
don't
need
one
more
of
them.
And
I
asked
the
magic
question.
I
asked
the
magic
question
that
I
wait
for
everybody
that
I
work
with
to
ask
then
how
do
I
turn
my
will
in
my
life
over
the
care
of
God?
And
it
was
so
simple.
He
said
the
way
you
turn
your
will
and
your
life
over
the
care
of
God
is
45678
and
nine
acts
against
the
will,
contrary
to
the
way
you
have
lived
your
life.
And
I'm
here
to
tell
you
to
write
an
inventory
the
way
it
is
in
that
big
book.
No
wonder
there's
so
many
newfangled
ways
to
write
inventory.
I
would
rather
write
an
autobiography
from
Until
I
Die
then
write
an
inventory
the
way
it
is
in
that
big
book.
Because
the
way
it
is
in
that
big
book
asked
me
to
look
at
something
that
without
God
in
my
life,
I
can't
even
see
because
I
never
have
been
able
to.
And
that's
the
4th
column
of
the
resentment
inventory.
My
God,
what's
the
4th
column
of
the
resentment
inventory?
I
never
heard
of
that.
My
God,
you're
lucky
enough
if
you
get
to
look
at
who
you're
mad
at,
what
they
did
and
how
it
affected
you.
Then
it
says
we
turn
back
and
looked
at
where
we
were
at
fault.
Where
was
I?
Selfish,
dishonest,
self
seeking
and
afraid?
My
God,
with
every
resentment
I've
ever
had
in
my
life,
I
make
this
giant
list
of
people,
institutions
and
principles.
Not
only
it's
hard
enough
to
put,
it's
easy
to
put
down
why
I'm
mad
at
them.
I've
been
doing
that
up
here
for
about
30
years.
She
did
this
and
this
and
didn't
do
that
and
said
this.
And
then
in
myself
centered
way,
I
love
to
look
at
how
that
affects
me.
She
effects
myself
esteem,
my
pride,
my
ambition.
I
would
love
to
keep
blaming
people
for
affecting
those
errors
in
my
life
until
they
helped
me
start
to
see
the
belief
system
behind
those
seven
areas
of
my
life.
That's
really
what
screws
me
up,
you
know?
So
and
so
told
me
I
was
full
of
shit.
That's
why
I
met
him.
Effects
myself
esteem.
I
would
love
to
keep
saying
that.
The
guy
in
the
first
column
and
the
guy
in
the
second
column,
what
he
did
is
what
affects
myself
esteem.
Until
I
realized
the
reason
it
affects
myself
esteem
is
because
I
believe
I'm
such
a
hell
of
a
guy.
Nobody
should
talk
that
way,
especially
somebody
I
sponsor.
And
that
it's
my
belief
system
that
hurts,
threatens
and
interferes
with
those
areas
of
my
life.
And
then
they
have
to
look
at
where
I
was
to
blame
and
that
I
was
selfish
and
that
I
was
self
seeking
and
that
I
was
dishonest
and
that
I
was
afraid.
The
freedom
that
comes
in
that
there's
a
statement
in
our
big
book
just
before
inventory,
I
think
is
the
greatest
statement
of
hope
in
the
big
book
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
But
if
you
can't
look
at
it
the
right
way,
you'll
beat
yourself
up
with
it.
And
that
statement
is
our
troubles
are
of
our
own
making.
Thank
God.
Because
you
know
what?
If
they're
of
your
making,
I'm
screwed
because
you're
gonna
have
to
change
for
me
to
get
well
and
then
to
write
a
fair
inventory.
Looking
at
all
my.
And
behind
every
resentment,
there
was
a
fear.
I
show
you
resentment,
but
I'm
really
afraid
to
look
at
an
honest
sex
inventory
that
has
nothing
to
do
with
sex,
has
to
do
with
my
motives
and
relationships.
I'll
tell
you
what,
that's
an
act
against
my
will,
contrary
to
the
way
I
live
for
30
years.
And
then
to
take
that
to
one
man
and
read
the
whole
thing.
I
don't
know
about
you,
but
I'm
the
kind
of
guy
that
takes
a
little
bit
over
here,
Tells
him
a
little
bit
if
it'll
help
me,
shares
a
little
bit
with
you
if
it's
gonna
make
me
look
good,
whine
a
little
bit
in
the
meeting,
tell
you
some
kinky
stuff
I've
done.
I've
never
laid
it
out
for
one
person
in
my
life.
I've
never
laid
the
whole
thing
out
for
one
person.
And
you
know
what?
I
was
given
the
power
to
do
that
from
the
first
four
steps.
Never
worry
about
the
step
proceeding
the
one
you're
on
because
you
don't
have
the
power
to
do
it.
You
will
get
the
power
to
work
the
step
that's
coming
up
from
the
one
year
on.
I
love
when
I'm
working
with
somebody.
He
says
I'm
having
trouble
with
Step
2.
You're
not
having
trouble
with
Step
2.
You're
having
trouble
with
step
one.
Because
once
you
see
step
one,
you'll
quick
hurry
up.
Choose
the
conception
that
will
work
for
you.
I'm
having
trouble
with
step
three.
Forget
it.
You're
not
having
trouble
with
Step
3.
I'm
worried
about
making
amends
in
the
middle
of
an
inventory.
Forget
it.
You
ain't
got
the
power
to
make
amends
in
the
middle
of
an
inventory
unless
something
happens
in
five,
6-7
and
eight.
And
you
know
what?
I
was
given
the
power
to
look
at
something
other
than
me
to
remove
that
stuff
in
six
and
seven,
and
I
was
given
some
questions
to
ask
myself.
Not
only
can
he,
but
will
he
for
me
take
this
stuff?
And
I
did
that
seven
step
prayer
and
I
made
a
list
of
people
that
I'd
harmed
and
I
was
given
a
way
to
make
amends.
See,
I
have
a
hard
time
reading
that
book
by
myself.
I
need
to
read
it
with
somebody
who's
had
experience
doing
it
because
what
I
would
like
to
do
is
to
go
to
everybody
that
I
ever
hurt,
if
it's
convenient
for
me
and
tell
you
that
I'm
sorry.
And
I
tried
to
do
that
before
I
got
to
amends
with
my
brother.
And
he
said,
I
know
you
are.
You
have
been
all
your
life,
but
when
a
man
told
me
to
go
to
the
people
that
I
had
harmed
and
layout
for
them
the
harm
that
I
had
seen
and
asked
them
if
there
was
anything
else
I
ever
did
that
harmed
him
and
then
asked
them
the
magic
question
in
the
men's
What
can
I
do
to
make
it
breath?
I
was
given
some
real
freedom
in
my
life.
Some
amazing
things
started
to
happen.
People
came
one
story.
I
went
back
to
Michigan
for
the
fifth
time
sober
to
make
amends.
And
every
time
I'd
gone
back,
I
had
gone
to
this
nightclub
after
an
AA
meeting
with
a
friend
of
mine.
We'd
always
gone
to
this
club
four
other
times
and
I
maybe
saw
one
or
two
other
people
that
I'd
known.
When
I
went
to
Michigan
to
make
amends,
I
had
this
list
of
about
20
people
in
Michigan.
I
owed
a
men's
two,
and
they
were
mostly.
Friends
and
I
sat
in
a
nightclub
one
night
when
I
was
prepared
to
make
amends,
and
13
people
on
that
list
walked
into
that
club
in
chronological
order
that
I
knew
them
in.
And
I'm
sitting
there.
My
God,
this
thing
really
works.
People
that
I
never
thought
I'd
be
able
to
find
were
put
back
in
my
life.
Relationships
that
I
never
thought
would
be
able
to
be
mended
were
mended.
Amazing
things
start
to
happen.
The
promises
on
page
83
happen.
Thank
God
they're
not
the
only
ones.
Don't
ever
let
anybody
tell
you
the
only
promises
in
this
program
are
on
page
83,
halfway
through
the
9th
step.
There
are
promises
after
the
fifth
step.
There
are
promises
before
you
even
do
the
third
step
prayer.
There
are
promises
if
you
don't
go
on
from
there.
Please
don't
start
this
process
and
stop.
Please
don't
start
inventory
and
stop.
I
could
say
that
till
I'm
blue
in
the
face
because
all
of
you
will
do
that
because
that's
what
we
do.
We
take
it
to
the
limit,
we
get
a
little
relief,
and
we
suck
that
dry
until
we're
back
up
against
the
wall.
Because
most
of
us
don't
do
things
out
of
virtue.
I
am
not
here
today
out
of
virtue.
I'm
not
here
today
because
I'm
a
wonderful,
lovely
person.
I
am
here
today
for
the
same
reasons
I
drank
and
drugged.
I
am
here
today
for
the
same
reason
I
drank
and
drugged.
I
drank
and
drugged
because
it
worked
and
it
made
me
feel
good.
My
motives
haven't
changed.
I'm
here
today
because
this
works
and
it
makes
me
feel
good.
There
is
no
virtue
involved
in
my
recovery
yet.
Maybe
I'll
get
to
that
place
one
day,
but
I
hope
not.
I
hope
I'm
always
here
for
the
for
the
same
reason
that
I
stayed
there,
that
I,
that
I
saw
I
was
in
when
I
got
here,
desperation
because
I
don't
ever
want
to
drink
again.
And
more
than
that,
I
don't
ever
want
to
be
in
that
place
I
was
in
5
1/2
months
sitting
around
this
program
of
alcoholism
in
the
program.
I
would
rather
drink
than
live
like
that
again.
My
life
makes
sense
to
me
today.
Most
of
the
time.
When
it
doesn't,
I
have
things
that
I
can
do.
I
do
not
go
to
meetings
anymore
to
stay
sober.
But
without
you
people,
I'm
a
dead
duck.
There
are
spiritual
paradoxes
in
this
program
that
make
no
intellectual
sense.
If
you're
new
and
you're
trying
to
figure
this
thing
out
with
this,
imagine
going
out
there
in
the
world
where
you
came
from
and
walking
up
to
one
of
these
guys
you
used
to
hang
around
with
or
your
favorite
booze
salesman
or
your
favorite
dealer
and
saying
to
him,
listen
brother,
if
you
really
want
to
keep
what
you
got,
give
it
away.
That
doesn't
work
out
there.
Why
do
we
understand
that?
Why
does
common
sense
become
uncommon
sense?
Because
we
are.
We
start
from
a
place
of
reasonableness
because
we've
been
beat
into
a
state
by
alcohol
and
drugs
where
we
now
understand
if
I
don't
give
it
away,
I
ain't
going
to
keep
it.
Imagine
going
back
to
some
of
the
jails
that
some
of
you
have
been
in,
some
of
the
people
that
some
of
you
have
hung
around
with,
and
say,
listen,
brother,
if
you
really
want
to
win,
surrender.
You
don't
do
that
in
the
Michigan
State
Penitentiary
in
the
shower.
Well,
but
I've
often
imagined
taking
a
new
guy
and
just
saying
these
strange
spiritual
paradoxes
that
we
have
to
him.
He'd
probably
run
out
of
here
and
blow
his
head
off
because
they
don't
make
any
intellectual
sense.
One
guy
says
hang
on.
One
guy
says
let
go.
One
guy
says
don't
make
any
judgments.
Another
guy
says,
but
stick
with
the
winners.
How
do
you
do
that?
You
know,
how
do
you
do
that?
One
guy
says
try
hard.
Another
guy
says
quit
trying
so
hard.
How
do
you
find
out
the
truth?
My
sponsor
told
me
a
long
time
ago
to
use
the
bullshit
sifter.
This
is
the
bullshit
sifter.
I
get
to
have
fun
in
my
life
today.
I
live
on
the
beach
in
Santa
Monica.
I
moved
to
Santa
Monica
about
two
years
ago
from
Denver.
I
had
to
leave
my
sponsor,
my
Home
group,
the
people
I
was
working
with,
my
service
commitment.
I'd
served
on
the
state
committee
as
the
H
and
I
chairman
when
I
was
four
years
sober,
when
I
was
three
years
sober,
when
I
was
3
1/2
years
sober,
I
spoke
in
Montreal
at
the
International.
And
I
don't
know
how
that
happens
to
a
guy
like
me,
'cause
when
I
got
here,
I
couldn't
talk.
I
couldn't
hardly
talk
to
one
person.
The
first
time
my
mother
heard
me
speak,
she
said
I've
never
heard
you
talk
that
long,
ever,
or
like
that.
And
I
don't
know
how
this
happens
to
a
guy
like
me.
I
heard
a
story
that
pissed
me
off,
and
I
knew
that
when
it
pissed
me
off,
there
was
something
I
needed
to
look
at.
And
this
guy
said,
imagine
if
you
took
a
hundred
of
us
from
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
put
us
back
in
the
bar.
God
forbid.
But
he
said,
you
know
what
you'd
find?
He
said
you'd
find
about
20
or
30
of
us
belly
up
to
the
bar
wallowing
in
our
beer,
crying
in
our
whiskey.
And
the
sad
thing
about
that
is
that
some
of
us
wouldn't
know
there's
anything
more
to
find
in
alcohol,
and
some
of
us
would
dig
it.
He
said
then
you'll
find
about
20
or
30
come
in
the
bar,
drink
till
they
feel
good
and
then
they
go
home.
He
said
then
you'll
find
about
30
or
40
mad
dogs
in
and
out
of
the
bar,
going
here,
going
there,
getting
in
fights,
doing
it
to
the
mask,
going
for
the
gusto.
Won't
just
settle
for
sitting
up
at
the
bar,
wallowing
in
their
whiskey,
crying
in
their
beer
because
they
know
there's
more
to
find
an
alcohol.
Won't
just
come
in
drink
till
they
feel
good
because
that's
just
where
the
night
begins.
Mad
dogs,
he
said.
Now
take
those
hundred
people,
put
him
back
in
the
program
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
and
you'll
find
they
settle
for
about
the
same
thing
they
did
when
they
were
drinking.
And
I'm
here
to
tell
you,
I
will
not
settle
for
coming
in
here
and
wallowing
in
my
big
book
and
crying
in
these
rooms.
Because
I
know
one
thing.
There
is
a
solution.
I
will
not
come
in
here
and
settle
for
doing
enough
work
to
where
I
feel
good
and
then
go
home.
Because
when
I've
done
that,
my
own
gratitude
starts
to
choke
me
because
I'm
not
giving
it
away.
I
was
a
Mad
Dog
then,
I'm
a
Mad
Dog
now.
I
want
it
all.
My
book
says
a
man
is
unthinking
who
says
sobriety
is
enough.
The
way
I
see
this
program
is
a
story
that
my
sponsor
tells,
and
I
just
absolutely
love
it
because
it's
how
I
see
this
program
also.
And
he
talks
about
a
man
who
saw
the
statue
of
David
and
saw
that
it
was
actually,
it
breathed.
And
he
went
to
Michelangelo
and
he
said,
how
did
you
do
that?
And
Michelangelo
said,
I
took
a
hunk
of
stone
and
I
chipped
away
everything
that
didn't
look
like
David.
And
that's
what
I
got.
And
that's
kind
of
how
I
see
this
program
with
God
as
the
sculptor
and
these
steps
and
these
traditions
and
your
people
and
these
meetings
as
the
chisel.
They've
taken
a
willing
hunk
of
stone
and
chipped
away
everything
that
doesn't
look
like
Joe.
And
so
far,
this
is
what
they've
got.
Thank
you
very
much.