The San Diego speakers meeting in San Diego, CA

Hello, I'm Matt, alcoholic, and

Timer's ready. All right, let me get my watch here so I know when to get sober.

My talk. I'm definitely an alcoholic and

you know, and I'm going to what I got 40 minutes right

and just 30. I'm just looking, just checking. OK,

I was told 4530 is cool. I'll kill that time. Either way it goes 40. OK 40 it is. I'll get sober in 20 minutes,

you know, But you know, I, I wanted to just thank Daniela for asking me to come talk. I've known her for a long time and I know her because of a, a service. I also like to congratulate people who had their anniversaries. I know you always hear that. Oh, it's really great, you know, but I wasn't, I had over a year sobriety, didn't even know it.

So the person that got nine months props, you know, you know it, that's good. You know, and in eight years, well, I figured it out by then. But the only reason I did is I'll just tell you the story real quick is I was in rehab and one of these after screw up meetings at at the hospital where I got sober and the guy comes in and says life's going really good. And, you know, his wife's happy. The baby's a year old and I said that baby's a year old. He said, yeah. I said, well,

you had that baby when I was in treatment, right? Yeah. Well, that means I got a year of sobriety then, all right? You know,

and I swear to God, that is the truth. I had no idea. But you know,

I always like to start off my, my talk with some real basic information. You know, I've been sober 24 years, over 25 in August. I haven't gotten drunk on a weekend. I haven't gone out and I need big pill vendors. You know, I've been had to sponsor all this time. You know, if you have died, I've gotten new ones. You know, I go to, you know, probably about 5 meetings a week, maybe 3:00 to 5:00. But

you know, and I, and I'm a big advocate of the steps. I'm a big advocate of the sponsorship. I'm a big advocate of service work. So in case you remember, oh, that's that mad guy. I don't like that guy. You know, I mean, it happens sometimes. You can just know that if you want to stay sober a couple of decades, you know, the way to do it is you really, you make a, a, a part of your life. You know what? More importantly, not a part of your life you make. For me at least, I've made the, the, a, a way of life

is my life

now. And I just want to emphasize that, you know, I'm not like hanging out in Alamo clubs, tackling people off from, you know, bar stools and trying to get them sober. You know, what I try and do is, is live the a way of life. But before I get into that in much more detail, you know, I, I want to tell you a little bit about what it was like because, you know, I got to remember #1 and that's getting harder to do. And then #2

when I got sober, I, I wasn't looking to be spiritual, you know, I wasn't looking to make amends. I wasn't looking to,

you know, reach some new academic and financial threshold where I would come out on top of my fellows. You know, nothing like that was going to happen.

You know what it was as I was sitting in the back row, you know, clowning with my buddies and somebody said something that struck a chord with me, that struck a truth with me.

And I could say to myself, I am like that person. And that somehow that some way that was like the seed that grew some hope because I listened for another 5 minutes or another 10 minutes or so on. So for me, in a general way, what it was like, you know, I moved to Arizona from Michigan. Before that I lived in California. Before that I lived in Michigan. Before that was in California. Before that I lived in Michigan. And,

you know, and my old man like to move a lot. And I remember each time he moved, I was just heartbroken every single time. But when we got there, Arizona, I was like, this is it? I'm like, I don't know,

12. I'm like, I'm not moving again. And that's where it's going to stay right here. If I got a run away from home, I will

so oh, by the way, I want to thank my first speaker. I have my memory is just shit. So my the first speaker. Thank you. Thank you for your truth and God bless you, man, and I hope you stay on the the path. Sounds like you are. But I remember getting to Arizona and I and I had a mom that was in a A and I remember, you know, there's something on the TV. Just say no or something like that going on all the time.

And I had a brother that was like, you know, wrecking cars and marriages and relationships and, and my dad's telling me if you do drugs and drink, you'll end up like your brother Chris. And, you know, God bless my brother Chris, man. He's still hitting it hard today. His life sucks, but he's still hitting it. But you know, anyways. And I used to think, you know, that's a good idea. Intellectually, I thought drugs, alcohol bad. But, you know, as soon as I found a place to drink, as soon as I could drink, like,

you know, enough to get me to that place where I didn't know where I was going. But I sure as hell liked it when I got there, which was under a bridge. Now in Arizona, it's mostly as some of, you know, really hard to dig in. There weren't a lot of bridges back in 80 something. OK, so, but I did find a bridge to drink under. It was a spillway that wanted a golf course. So I'm down there with my buddies and I'm drinking, you know, Mickey's big mouth. And I remember about

five or six Mickey's into it. I came up from under the bridge

and I had my girls 3 speed bike and my brown Opie shorts

and corduroy, I might add, and Hobie shirt with a little, you know, ship on it.

And I thought I had it going on, you know, and I remember rolling up to the local, you know, pizza place next to the high school and laying my wrap down with these drills. And I had I still remember I had like my finger through the belt loop like this. I was like,

you know, and I still remember that. And I felt so damn good. And somebody came along and ruined it and said, hey, man, we got some more beer. Do you want some? And of course, I didn't say I'm good. The buzz is great now. I didn't say that at all. I said, hell yeah, I want some more. Whatever I got, it's making me feel like I am right now. And give me some of that pizza while you're at it. So I did that. And theme that repeated itself a few times in my drinking happened that night where I was out in front of the girls puking my ass off in the grass, you know, and they're looking at me and

sick as hell. And I remember going home. And I'd like to talk about some of these experiences because I think it's really important that for me, this is the place that I, we have these moments. We got to face the people in our lives that are accountable or accountable to or accountable for us, as it was my case. But I remember, you know, riding my bike home and I could barely, I couldn't stand really, but I could, I could pedal and the bike would kind of go straight. So I've made it home, crashed on a curve, landed on pile fire,

laying there on the fire ants, getting that shit bit out of Maine. And I remember, you know, brushing them off and seeing my place and I could see where I live. I'm thinking maybe I'll stay here in the fire ants. But I got up and I kind of leaned on the bike and kind of pushed it home, much like you might do if you're, you know, doing something else. And I remember standing at the back door. And this is like the first time I had to really put my game face on for the people that I was accountable to or for whatever, and was my parents. It's 11:00 Saturday night and then they're watching TV

and I'm all covered in puke and bugs and shit. And I remember opening up my eyes as wide as I could

straighten myself out walking in. Hey, Mommy, Dad, feeling pretty tired. I think I'm gonna go to bed goodnight. And I remember just kind of, you know, trucking up the steps and, and I, I got up to the steps and I could see my bed and that's all I need to do is see it. And I just kind of like fell towards the bed and, and I guess I fell kind of half on, half off. And my dad came in the room later, and I faintly heard this voice.

I'm like, what? Matt, get up and there's what he's saying. And as I got up, you know, I was really good at coming up with stories about what happened to me. It was pretty plausible. Some of the stuff I would come up with,

it all came out of my mouth. That and I was ate a bad doughnut and that was it.

You know, because there was a donut shop right next to the pizza place.

So, and I know it's funny, but, you know, the next day, you know,

I wasn't thinking about, oh, God, I'm such a horrible man boy, you know, I got this drinking thing going on. My dad said, you know, you shouldn't do that again. And I said, yeah, you're probably right. And but in the back of my mind, somewhere, that little light switch had been turned on, you know, and between that space that I had coming out from underneath the bridge and puking, I chased that little bandwidth of of feeling until it was gone, until I couldn't have any more, you know, And over a period of time,

I became everything that Alcoholics Anonymous talks about. I mean, I really mean it. It wasn't like, you know,

yeah, I was institutionalized. I was jailed and I probably was near death a few times. I had no idea. And I, you know, in the book talks about, you know, the family afterward, 2 wives to the employer, you know, you know, the people that surround the alcoholic. And for me, you know, I was I was a real son of a bitch to be around when it was between drinks, you know. But you know, and I did a lot of non habit forming marijuana too. But that's part of my story.

But I remember, I remember, you know, being between drinks and justice, being so agitated and so angry and so unhappy. And my, my, my little brother, who I love would come up and say, Hey, what's up? And I'm like, leave me alone, you know, And I just, and I remember like striking him at one point in between those times and the look of like the trail, the look of terror, the look of absolute broken heartedness on his eyes. I couldn't identify all that. All I saw in his eye was

saw was him reflecting this horror in me and I and I, the first thing I did was run to the drink. You know, I couldn't get my hands on some whiskey quick enough that I like drinking whiskey. You know this crap whiskey called Evan Williams straight out of the bottle on a hot summer day. I love that shit. But you know, not because I really had a choice mind you. They kept the Evan down low where I could steal it. The JD and all the good shit was up top, you know, So,

you know, I would take the oven and, and, and ease my, my feelings. And I remember that that feeling

I had with my brother. And then along came a lot of other things that got progressively worse, you know,

in an AA, in rehab and all this other stuff. You always hear about the progression. And for me, you know, I just,

I just got to look at my enrollment time within high school. I went from, you know, rolled high school to deal and dope at school to kicked out to getting us kicked out of the place we lived in because between drinks, I would become so anti social. I would do things like, you know, with my father. You know, I wondered why in the first year my sobriety, I got more fistfights than my dad and I did the whole time I was drinking. I'll tell you why, because I discovered it in an inventory process that I would stand out in front of my house and

my dad. Hey, fat ass, you know, if you weren't so fat, you could come get me and why don't you come on? And I would get him running around, chasing me in his underwear in front of the neighbors, embarrassing himself. It just a fury of rage. I'm surprised the guy didn't put a bullet in my ass, to be honest with you. But you know,

until later on I discovered the truth. But, you know, I remember that kind of thing. And now I want to say another part of my story. I think it makes sense for people, at least makes sense to me. Was, you know, there came that day when I came home and my, my, I was out of weed and I was out of alcohol and I was pissed off and it was a hot summer day. And I remember my dad saying something to me and I just is in a bit of rage. Like F you, old man. You could catch me finish.

And I remember seeing he just like he started. I could see the rumble. It was like a thunderstorm erupting. And I was like, oh, he's pissed.

And then and I thought, well, I'm going to make my break for the front door. And then I realized it's too far up the steps. I'm never going to make it.

So I started running from my bedroom and, you know, and I remember I used to put the ski pole behind my doorknob

and my mom would beat on the door. I know you're smoking weed now. Come on out. You know, and doing that kind of shit

and I'd say just turn up the stereo like I didn't hear, but you know, I would literally do that. But

and I just reveled in being such an asshole then too. But I remember my dad, he wasn't having any more and and I just have to ski pull up and he busted through the door and he was cracking me over the head with a ski pole and my brother he he late. I just found this out quite recently to my little brother was sitting on the bed watching the whole thing. He said yeah, bro, I saw the whole thing was crazy. So what happened was, and I think this is the point where the alcoholic

steps in, in the same rational person says later,

because they would have the same rational person probably would have just taken the beating. All right, I'll deal with it,

but not me, man. I was like, I saw the window open and I just had this feeling inside like I always wanted to try it. Anyways, I got up, I ran straight through the window and drove head first right out. Didn't think. And I'll be totally honest with you, I kind of enjoyed jumping straight out that window, man. I'd like that feeling, you know, and fix up When I got out a little ways and I started going down like that. I, I remember hitting the ground and I hurt my ankle on the way out of it on the windowsill

and, and, and my, my dad looking over the edge of the, the, the window like, is he dead? And,

and I'm looking up at him and saying, you old man,

thank you. And, and he's and he was laughing. Actually, he couldn't believe I did it. He was kind of laughing. He's like, oh, I gotta throw this at you. And he just went back inside. But you know, the insanity of that moment, the fact that, you know, I would continually agitate this man and continually just challenge him and antagonize him, you know, and then expect, oh, I'm supposed to be, you know, this Anyways, that's what happened. So

few more things tend to happen.

Time gets shorter. I go from go to another town. And again, we didn't move because my parents thought it was a good idea. We had to move because I was such a pain in the ass. You know, I would like to get these double doors in this place we lived in and I would like to run up to them, kick them as hard as I could and bounce off and make sure all the neighbors could see. I was just full of theory. And so we had to move. And then my enrollment time went down to like no time at all in school. And then eventually I became institutionalized and I was made

board and state. And at the time, you know, again, people, most people think this sucks, but you know, when they lock the door, I thought, I'm safe in here. I'm good. You know, when they locked that door, I thought I can sleep good tonight. You know, I was crazy, you know, and I remember sitting in jail and I was like, totally, my head was so spun out from all the drinking and all the other stuff that, you know, I couldn't remember how to divide or subtract or any of that stuff. I just was like, I would look at numbers and they just,

it wouldn't move in my mind or something. I couldn't figure it out. But eventually I went to a new institution from there and the fog cleared a little bit and I became a religious leader in jail and and I was, you know, making deals with Jesus, speaking in tongues and had an orange penalty shirt on and a white collar. You know, I'm running around a little religious leader there. And but I will say this, you know, and I don't mean to not Christianity or any other type of practice somebody may have in this room. I tangibly

something going on in my life, it did have an impact on me. But when I got out, you know, I didn't seek communion with God. You know, when I got out, I said, where's Jimmy Hernandez and my other shit bag buddies and let's grow that weed farm we were talking about and get on with our lives. And that never happened either. So

Fast forward, you know, I'm in the center of a, for male prostitution, the city of Phoenix hitchhiking. And

some guy picked me up immediately. Of course

you said to me, the alcoholic, do you want a party? And the answer was absolutely. So off to the other side of town I went and I'm sitting in on the other side of town and, and this guy's like, hey, man, you want another beer? I'm like, yeah, I want another beer. And you know, I want to say this, I don't mean anything rude, but I, I, I literally think this is the one time alcoholism saved my ass because I'm in there drinking with this guy and he's showing me all these weird magazines and, and, and I'm like, I guess cool man, you got another beer. And so

I drank him out of everything he had. And I remember getting up and I was always making these proclamations that I needed to get more booze for all my friends were never around. You know, I would have like this romantic notion like, Oh, my friends, they mean so much to me. They were never around. They mean shit to me, don't they? But I remember I went out and I stole a bottle of whiskey and I came back and I drank that. And I'm sure the guy was thinking any minute now. And then I stood up again and went out the door. And this time they were on to me at the

4X drugs, me and my down jacket on a 70° day and the big hippie boots on. And again, here's the alcoholic. OK, maybe I'm just crazy, I don't know. But I know they're watching me. And I got the bottle of booze and I'm like, I put that thing back, go get molested across the street or something. So I put I put it back and then I'm walking out the door and all I got to do is walk out the door and everything is going to be good.

That's all I got to do. But right at the last second, my pride grabs me by the asses. You better grab a bottle of eye drops. They might do some good layer. I grab them like nobody's even looking shoving down my pants. I get tackled at the front door. So

Adobe Mountain Boys School, here we come again. It's basically boys prison. And this is the second time around in here, you know, now I'm in an orange jumpsuit wearing flip flops, living in a little tiny cell with some other dude. And I'm thinking maybe I got a problem, but I doubt it, you know? And and that's alcoholic in its own right, you know, it's seriously suspect you have a problem, but at the same time completely deny it. So

alright, I'm getting sober soon, you know, so I got out of jail

and I've been through a lot and a lot more than I'm not telling you about because I only got 40 minutes. But I knew in my mind that I liked to go to the bathroom when I wanted to go. I knew I liked to walk outside and see the stars. I knew I liked to watch TV and have a good time and just do anything that emulated freedom. I knew that was precious to me. You know, wars are waged over freedom, you know, but alcoholism, in my experience, has no

regard for my freedom. It's like a time bomb picking in me. And if I'm not doing, like our first speaker said something about it, some steps, some work, you know, I am in trouble because I wasn't making deals with Jesus anymore. I wasn't doing anything like that. What happened was, is that I ended up, you know, just totally freaked out and and totally like just trying to toe the line, white knuckling, as they say. And of course, I couldn't take it. After a while, I heard a lot of parties started at 10. I arrived at 7, you know.

And started drinking and then some guys shoot up with a bunch of speed. And I did that at 11

and one in the morning. I'm looking for a job trying to get my life together, you know, and you know, and I'm walking to 711. Hey man, can I get an application? You know, it's Safeway, you know, same thing, you know, some guy trimming trees in the desert in the middle of the night because it's too hot during the day. I'm asking for part time work at like 1:00 in the morning. Stupid.

But I got home that night and I sat on the edge of the bed and I said to myself, yeah, I feel

real good. Got a lot done tonight, feeling real good, you know, And my whole life was complete wreckage. You know, it was complete and total wreckage. And, you know, my mom, I hit my mom, you know, in a fit of rage between drinks. You know, my brother wouldn't even talk to me anymore. I'm, I'm not even on probation. I'm on parole with the state.

You know, everything in my life is I know where I'm going next, which is prison in in in the back of my mind. I don't want to go on like this anymore.

So I got, I got up and I started to puke like I always did. And I was like a bulimic in training or something. But I would just puke and go back to bed. And I thought everything was OK and I couldn't stop. You can for some reason. And that hadn't that, that wasn't the first time that it happened. But for some reason the sun was coming up. My mom client came into the bathroom. She's standing over me, you know, and I look up at her. I don't know why, you know, she'd be kind of like trying to coax me into like a rehab or something for a while. And I said all dramatic.

Mom called St. Lucum going in, you know, And as soon as I could hold down a glass of water, I thought, OK,

maybe a smoker joint will take the edge off here. So I went and smoked that joint. And the guy came up to me in this park and asked me, you know, hey, have you seen my stolen property, which of course I had in my pocket? And I said no. And he went on his way. And it was an overcast day, kind of like it was this morning. And remember, sitting in this park and nothing catastrophic happened to me, you know, nothing horrible happened to me. No lightning bolt in the sky, but just a general,

general sense of just complete and utter heartbreak and disgusting myself. This was upon me, you know, a moment of clarity, a moment of just like

my life sucks, you know, and

OK, I went home and I said treatment tomorrow. Fine. 6 feet tall, 135 lbs, camouflage pants, horizontally striped shirt, you know, I'm in, let's go, you know, and that's like a look I think I saw today on the street getting coffee. But you know, and I thought it was cool back then, but I remember getting in treatment and this is where I'm getting sober. Don't worry. That was August 10th, 1983.

And I remember going into treatment and I was like, all right,

I'm going to do this thing. I'm going to do this thing they say and this is, and I don't make this deal for anybody else. I make it. I made it for me because my life was at an end. You know, it wasn't like it was going to get any better. There was no trust fund going to come in from on high and swoop me up for 10 years of complete and utter chaos and belligerent abuse. You know, the state wasn't going to put me in a special treatment plan. Nothing. I was going to prison or I was going to just take my own life because it sucked anyways,

you know, so I said, I'm going to give this a thing 100%. If it doesn't work, I'm going to take my own life because I don't want to live it anymore. Like I've been living it. Now that might sound like happy a horseshit, but I swear to God it is true, you know, and I went in and, you know, and I did what they said, you know, and, and I got, I went to their meetings and I talked about this and we got into groups and I just said, I'm going to dive in. Let's do this, you know, and I came out of rehab like three months later. I was 6 foot

285 lbs. All I did was eat and workout for three months and I became a genuine medicine society. But the only edge society had gone for it and, and myself was it somebody introduced me to Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, And in the course of that, you know, I, I went out and got the really cool sponsor to get like the, the, the, let's say the Clancy of my area at the time. And but he wasn't a very tolerant man. Mr. Jim Highway.

Jim fired me shortly after hiring me as a sponsee because, you know, he told me I was wrong. I said no, and we yelled at each other and hung up the phone. But he was nice enough to introduce me to a step study group where I did find a guy that was really helpful to me named Dan Clement. Now, I'll use these guys last name because they're dead. But, you know,

Dan was a big Chuck Chamberlain fan and he kind of came from that real gentle, long foresight, you know, vision of Alcoholics Anonymous. And he could always see past my chaos. And I come over there and say, Dan, you know, I'm like 1617 years old, like flipping out over something. And he'd say, get me, listen to all my Babble. And then we he'd say, let's open up the book and see what the book says. And he read something on the book. It would apply to my problem in my life. And I'd say, I can do that. And I would be going to these meetings. And I used to think,

you know, where are all the cool people I would have killed for a meeting like this for all these hip looking people were because I was in these mees, you know, I had no car, a skateboard and a bicycle that I borrowed from somebody else. You know, that was my mode of transportation. And and people would say to things like this to me and me say get numbers and call people Verizon. I'm like, get a skateboard. Shit sucks at 110°. Give me your number. And,

and I would call people and they'd be like, he's actually calling me, you know,

and I can give me a ride me OK, you know, And then some people I call, no, don't call me anymore. You're bugging me. And the next beep, I'm drunk, you know, and wanna party and whatever. But, you know, the thing was I would call to go to meetings. And, and the people that would generally pick me up were people that would go to these, these big book studies and these 12 and 12 meetings, these meetings where they were in the book. And I used to think,

well, but I'll tell you what, you know, I would sit on my hands and just like, grit my teeth and go through these book meets.

And they would make and people talk about their lives and they talk about what's in the book and then they talk about how they applied it in the book. And I would say, yeah, that makes sense to me. And from that, I had some hope. And then one day I went home and I had my use of usual fist fight with my dad. And I went out to the park and I came back and I would go to this park and call Kwanis Park in Arizona. And in Qantas Park, you know,

I would just sit there and read my big book because honestly, to swear to God, I had not. I just had no other inspiration to read anything else because I was just

so crazy in the head. That was the only thing I was into is my big book. And I would sit there and read it and read it until I felt better. And again, that probably sounds like a Hallmark warship, but I swear to God it's true. I was just too stupid and lucky to realize anything else. I didn't have any grand plans. So I went home and I told my dad, Dad, I'm not going to squander away any more hours that are worthwhile fighting. And he was like,

and, and I never fought him again.

And when my dad died, he was a good friend of mine. You know, I was a good son to him,

you know, and and it wasn't because I went to, you know, good sun training, you know, we had encounters together or whatever, although that might be extremely helpful to some people. What I did is I kept going to a A and I kept applying the principles in my life. And what happened is a byproduct of that was a good relationship with the people that are around me, you know, and everything went well for a while. Now collects knob until his seven years in a compromise. My honesty for something I thought I wanted or needed,

you know, and before I knew it, I couldn't stand AAI couldn't stand you. And I, I, I didn't, I couldn't stand myself with the truth of it. And I, and I quit going to meetings, you know, because I didn't want to be, you know, I couldn't even live the double life. I couldn't stand myself. And I remember I got myself in a position where, you know, I was, it was like I was weighing like 240 driving the couch around the living room eating chocolate cookies, you know, you know, not paying any bills. I had a partner in pity

me some bust out from a halfway house and he was like, dude, it's cool man. I feel you bro. So we would sit there and drive the couch around and you know, and all that stuff I did before they got me into Alcohol Anonymous, all that step work, all those book studies, you know, all of it was just like it couldn't get through this, this vapor lock of just self pity and hatred I had for myself. And, you know,

there came a point where I ended up

asking myself that question again. You know,

are you willing to go to any lunch to be, you know, are you willing to do whatever it takes?

And I remember I said to myself, I got off a plane, went to see my brother in Hawaii. He thought I'd been drinking

and I sat in his place. It was a rainy day and I thought to myself about that question. I said yeah,

I think I am still willing and I called AA and I said I'm Madam and alcoholic. I had seven years silver and if I don't go to a meeting, I think I'm going to get drunk and somebody drove out there, picked me up, took me you and a meeting. I resumed. I resume my front seat position in alcohol economist put on the dumb ass hat again and said I don't know nothing. I've proved that for the last year time to hit restart and just get back into it. And I wanted to say this.

As crazy as I got in that short period of time, I got progressively better as soon as I started reapplying the principles of age in my life and everything was really good. I hit about 11 years sober

and I was right all the damn time, I might add, at that point, you know, not only I'd been through this little bump in sobriety, I thought I was Mr. A A at the time. So nobody could tell me nothing. My mom, by the way, who had been in a A at some point. And I wanted to say that this, that I respect anybody's individual choice to be here in Alcoholics Anonymous, fear here because you're an alcoholic, more power to you. But if you decide you don't want to be in a a A and you want to go out and experiment, you want to go out and do some more research, more power to you. And that was exactly what my mom did. But I didn't give her the right

to do that. I didn't give her the right to be a human being and have her autonomy. And Alcoholics Anonymous Mr. A. A was a self-righteous, indignant, unkind, condescending member of A. A would just power play the book and power play what he knew about Alcoholic Anonymous. And I was right in the middle of an inventory around that time, and I realized that, wow, I am an asshole

in a big way. And, you know, and I thought I got AI got to get this right. And I remember my mom had asked me I was going to Europe on a vacation I always wanted to take. And she'd never been to Europe and just wanted to have a bottle of perfume from Paris.

I remember grumbling about it under my breath. But I got out of that bottle of perfume and I came back and

and I gave it to her. And then a few weeks later she was admitted to a hospital and had a spot on her lung. And they, they had found cancer, you know, and I remember thinking, well, my dad, you know, he had a long battle with cancer. He almost got through it. You know, I know I've been an asshole to my mom, had plenty of time to be cool to her and try and, you know, be a good son to her. Now that I realize I really haven't been Mr. A A.

But she didn't, she didn't stick around for that. She decided that, you know, she didn't want to live

through the suffering my father went through and practically willed herself to death in like 3 weeks.

I never had a chance to tell her I was sorry. I never had a chance, more importantly, to act like a good human being to her,

you know, and you never know when they're going to go. And that was an experience I had to take with me into Alcoholics Anonymous and

I still carry with me today.

You know, I want to hit on a couple other things, too. How are we doing on time here? I've got my watch in front of 5 minutes. What, 10710? Perfect.

You know, I'll get to that in a minute. But at 18 years sober, you know, and, and by the way, you know, I have made a tremendous amount of mistakes in my life and Alcoholics Anonymous, I had to grow up in a a, you know, I had to, I had to, you know, I've been heartbroken. You know I've been a heartbreaker.

You know I've been cheated on. I've cheated. You know, I've screwed up on my taxes and blew it off for two or three years in the IRS said hello, We remember you. You know, I've, I've been fired from jobs. You know I've had great successes. You know, I've traveled. I've, I've been in love. You know, I've done all this stuff. The point I'm getting at, you know, I've done well in school. I've done well professionally. I've sucked in school. I've sucked professionally.

I've, you know, I've done life, you know, and I continue to do life today. I don't really consider any type of acquisition of a goal

or ascending to a certain level any type of success. I look at life as an unfolding experience for me in Alcoholics Anonymous, that any word you're at is a human being is a part of that success. Whether you're on the downside of it or the up, it's part of the life experience. I'm kind of getting out there a little bit, but you know, it's something I've been thinking a lot about the last few years. But at 18 years sober, you know, I was, I was in love

and I had some people in a that was very close to

betray my trust and conspire to really be hurtful. I got that and, and it really, really shook me to my core. And I remember I didn't drink, but I felt awful, you know, I felt unsafe in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I was so caught up in my own agony that I couldn't see a, a as a whole. I can only see it as map shot. And I had to go to a lot of meetings where I was insured of my autonomy. I would go to meetings where I didn't know anybody, you know, and I had to get back in touch with

fact that Alcoholics Anonymous is about, you know, about an individual's experience in a, a, but you know, people in a, a, I'm sorry to break the news, but the well ship is not landed here. You know, you know, it is. People are screwed up. And a lot of us in Alcoholics Anonymous, we have the very bad habit, and I've done it myself, of starting to develop a double life, you know, the a, a appearance. We like people to see and then they kind of deal with deals we cut for ourselves. And a lot of times, you know, I did this

David Stroman myself with people, it's cosign my bullshit. And that didn't, that wasn't working out, obviously, because at 18 years sober, I was really, really hurt in place. I was heartbroken and I felt totally freaked out and I didn't know what to do. And I remember sitting on my shower floor so broken and crying and begging God to please help me. I don't know what to do anymore, you know, And I've been Mr. A a service,

you know, I've done all this stuff for young people's conferences.

I'd sponsored guys, I was sponsoring guys. Then I had the great leadership in a help me out, but I was heartbroken and broken as a human being and I crawled back to Alcoholics Anonymous and I had to get some therapy. I had to do a few things outside of a A to get my head back on track. But you know what I did and, and life after that, it was like the catalyst for a new kind of adventure for me. And what I've been calling it the last few years is kind of like floating where I just said, you know what, F it, I'm done making plans.

You know, it is driving me crazy. And all my plans did was get me into a whole lot of pain. So I, I ended up moving out of Arizona, my home base, the place where I got sober and did a lot of my early experience. Do let me know when I got 5 minutes, please. And I moved up to Northern California. I lived on a little island up there called Alameda Island, right next to Oakland. And I found this meeting hall called the Island Fellowship and, and I went to meetings there and I just sat down and I started being a regular member of a A again.

And it was a very healing experience for me. And I lived there for a couple of years and then I had this,

this urge to move South for some reason, So I did so here I am. And really the urge was about some kind of, you know, I went down to my buddy's place, stayed there for a month, rode my bicycle to the beach every day at a burrito and jumped in the water. I'm like, this is all right. I got to live like this. So, you know, up there I was like sharks waters, cold F this. But, you know, but when I got down here, you know, what I did was I got, I got into service again, you know, I went down to, you know, I went down to the, the International Conference of Young people and a as