The Big D Roundup in Dallas, TX

My name is Chris Raymer. I'm very grateful. Recovered alcoholic.

That was a nice introduction. I,

I get introduced a lot and they, they usually try to take a shot at me and that was just pleasant as could be. That was nice. That was good. When I first met this guy, I hated his guts. But you know what?

That was nice. I hate those lights, but I'm going to put up with it because that's the kind of guy I am.

I, I am honored to be here, guys. I got to tell you,

I'm kind of blown away by this whole deal.

I've, I've spoken at gay conferences before, nothing like this. This is, I mean, I just got here for heaven's sakes. And I, I, Patty and I walked in my wife and, and it's like, Oh my gosh, you know, you walk in and it's like, and then the guy with a tin, Oh my gosh.

I like, I,

I got sober in 1987. I'm in sober about 21 years and I've been traveling nonstop for most of those years. I speak from the podium a lot all over the world. And, and I get I'm, I'm usually I'm 4045 weekends out of the year. I'm in an airport someplace, traveling someplace. And I, I, I'm pissed. We're not going to stay the whole weekend. I just, I got confident either. Like, I mean, how, how excited could it be to be at a gay conference? I mean, we'll go and speak and leave. I'm just pissed, you know,

we're going to stay for the show. I I am truly amazed.

What can I say?

I'm sure you all planned this for me. I got to say this real quick, and this is my I just, I probably shouldn't, but this is how cool is it that this is probably the only conference that I'll go to all year long that people realize how expensive this damn tie is?

Oh, I

doesn't mean most to you, but it means a lot to me. So I don't know. I don't know what to say. I don't know. I'm honored. I, I work at a hospital and have for about 15 years, but in a treatment center and I get to watch a lot of cats come and go. I got some buds in the audience that graduated from that wonderful hospital and it's a nice place and I was long time trying to get well folks. I, I, I got some of y'all have heard talks of mine and I, I try to make a point. I get a lot of emails from around the world and people who have had a lot of the same experiences. If, if you're

these guys that woke up one day with these big old bad hangover and said, Oh my gosh, I need to come to AA and gets over because I'm just, I'm not liking this anymore. And you come to meetings and you've been talking about your life ever since and sober and having a great time. I just, if you think meeting makers make it, you're just going to hate this talk. I, I, I, I don't know what to tell you. I, the big book over and over uses the term the real alcoholic, the real alcohol. What about the real talks about the moderate drinkers talks about the hard drinkers, but what about the real

alcoholic? People get pissed. They get, oh, they get as mad about that as me introducing myself as a recovered alcoholic. The big book tells me to introduce myself that way. But but because you do some some son of a bitch that graduated from a hospital that told him that they're going to be sick the rest of their life, they they chose to believe that that's fine with me. If you want to be sick, rock on.

I don't know. I need to apologize to my little brother over here already. I'm going to try to go as slow as I can. I'm so sorry.

He's just so screwed. I, I, I don't know,

ah, but they

talk, they talk a lot about the real alcoholic in this deal because Bill Wilson wants us to say three places in the book he wants us, he explains the difference between a problem drinker and a hard drinker and a problem drinker and the real alcoholic because he wants us to see that there's a difference. You know, a lot of people in this world abuse alcohol and drugs folks. And there's just a small percentage of us that are genetically wired alcoholic and addict. And that's just the nature of the beast.

And if you happen to be wired this way, it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, black or white, rich or poor, you're going to have a problem with alcohol and dope. And I mean a fatal progressive problem. So for the little hard drinker that just woke up one day and decided to quit, rock on. I don't have a problem with that. But, but, but don't make it tough on the people that that have to actually read and do the work out of the big book. That's where I kind of draw the line. And I, I, I,

that's why I speak so much from the podium is I get a little, little emphatic about this. We, we have a message that can absolutely set you on fire. And yet I spent seven years in Alcoholics Anonymous and never heard that message. It's the most cleverly guarded secret in AA is that you can absolutely recover from this illness and the obsession to drink and to drug or go completely away and you can be free and truly enjoy your life. And we seem to not want to tell the newcomer that I was talking to a bunch of cats earlier. And I know this room is full of new people. And I just, I just,

I'm so grateful that you're here and that we will have an opportunity this, this this evening to visit about this

put a gift sobriety is

I was reading something in the,

you know, on the Internet not long ago was an article off of a particular website. And I can give you the website later. I don't want to do it on the on the recording, but it's a great website about recovery and, and this article and I've asked for permission to use it and they haven't given me permission. So I'm just going to take pieces of it. You know, that's the way it works, but

you know, it's just, I always want, you know, isn't not my thoughts, but they put in writing what I have talked about from the podium for years. And it's just this idea about different views of recovery. And This is why we have so many weird goofy things in our meeting sometimes. You know, it's like, it's like for the newcomer coming in, they stay so confused. I mean, I, I got to tell you guys, it took me 7 years to finally get sober and that was because I'll tell you a little bit about it, but that was because somebody finally got told me what to do.

They that that you're not going to do this your way,

this idea that we can do this any way you want. It's just absolutely ridiculous. The guy that taught me how to skate, you know, didn't do it any way you want. He's bend your knees and let's do it this way and he everything I've ever learned, somebody giving me some instructions. But now we've got this life and death, Aaron, and we're going to we're going to blow smoke up some poor kids butt telling him he can do it any way he wants because we're so afraid that we're going to hurt their feelings.

We'll it it. Let me read this to you. I have been known to speak in tongues

podium. It could happen here tonight.

The 1st way this article was talking about, we all know is a psychological view. I'm a huge fan of therapy, but the idea is that that there's an underlying problem, stressor, and that if we will deal with it psychologically, we can recover. You follow now hard drinkers, abusers do this every day. You know the little moron. I mean the last little guy on CNN that has a little book for 2495. All you guys have spent $30,000 in treatment. Who knew that you could get a book for 2495 and fix the problem?

But see the world that doesn't know. They believe that because they call that alcoholism and drug addiction cure you follow. It's not. If you're a painting, a butt hard drinker, a little disco drunk and you want to get well, read that book.

I'm

the psychological view this that a therapist can fix you. A therapist can help you. I think anybody in this room is not seeing the therapist occasionally. He's nuts, man. It's a what? What a cool Nah, it's I benefited greatly from therapy. It's the bomb.

I spent years in therapy, folks. We talked about trying to get sober. We talked about my mom until the cows came home. Why is it that we always make a beeline when you land in therapy talking about your? Because it's all their fault. I guess I why? I don't understand. We talked a lot about me being gay. A lot

up.

I'm so not gay, but we talked about it non-stop.

You'll understand because we're trying to connect the dots. Why is it that you're drinking? Why are you uncomfortable? What do you have to do? And then that we talk about it until the cows come home. I mean, how I wanted to be. How cool would that be if that was the case? I mean, good heavens, that would explain everything. I mean, not a dumpsters in 1976 in Houston, TX because I'm gay. I mean I would rational a few years later I'm trying to commit suicide

because I can't make heads or tails out of this. Y'all understand where I'm at?

If a therapist can fix you the drinking problem, you're a hard drinker. Welcome, but you're a hard drinker. Second one

resocialization view. This is this is the probably the biggest one in our fellowships. This is the idea that the main problem of an alcoholic is

he drinks,

so

I can't even say it. So stop drinking.

Oh my God, who knew?

God Dang, I mean who? Who knew that all I had to do to regain my life was just stop drinking. Oh my gosh, there's a little problem is an alcoholic. I can't stop drinking. I can quit, I can get detox, but the obsession tells me it's OK to drink again. The insanity that is alcoholism comes back and I'm off to the races. This is where the 90 meetings and 90 days guys goes. This is where you know you're coming in and you're, you've nearly had a relapse and you're all freaked up and the first thing the person said, you need to double up on your meetings.

Like why? Why? My problem is that I'm not spiritually connected and the meetings not going to fix that. Guys, if you don't hear anything else I say, hear this. Alcoholism and drug addiction will not be treated by a meeting. I love meetings. I go to lots of meetings. Meetings are good. Meetings will not fix alcoholism.

God, he's in that opinionated little son of a bitch, isn't he?

No, but ask any of the real Alcoholics that have gone to 90 meetings in 90 days and Twisted. Ask the cat that's in here, that's done to 300 meetings in 90 days and Twisted got loaded again. See what? And then get frustrated and go off and try to off himself because he can't figure it out because the guy sitting next to him went to 90 meetings in 90 days and he stayed sober. This is what I'm trying to tell the newcomers in this room. Stop comparing yourself to everybody else in the room because you may be talking to somebody that's not even a real alcoholic.

And if he tells you that the only thing you need to do is go to meetings, don't worry about those big book thumpers. Just go to meetings and everything will be OK.

He may have just signed your death warrant. The mixed message that come out of our fellowship. Take the breath away.

Any of you guys ever read that piece of crap called Living Sober A a produced it in the 70s. Some of y'all liked that book. I know, I know

it will kill you if you're not careful. If you read that book, it just it freaks me out the mixed messages that we hear. The third piece and I'm going to move on. I want to tell you about my my life a little bit is the conversion experience. It's the idea that Bill Wilson talks about over and over that you might need a spiritual experience in order to recover. If you can get sober on a non spiritual basis. My book says you ain't one of us. I didn't say it. The book says it.

Everybody nods their head. That's right, that's right. And then we go out of our way to hide that information from the newcomer.

We're so afraid of talking about the spiritual experience

that changed most of us in this room. We're walking on egg shells. A A is not a self help program my friends. Never has been, never will be. It's a spiritual program of action. You free to agree or disagree. You're absolutely free to agree or disagree. But this is what my book says. Y'all cool with that? Sure honored to have you here tonight. I

I grew up down the Hill Country. I grew up on a on a road called Goat Creek Rd.

Well, that's as country as it gets. You know, I married a little Yankee girl from New York City back back. I mean, up in the north I just it's a Goat Creek Rd.

That's why I'm absolutely fascinated with 10 inch platform shoes. I just, this is,

we don't have much of that on Goat Creek Rd.

Oh my gosh, I am. My mom is a professional artist and still still with us. And my father was a printer, a lithographer, and we came from a really talented family. I've got an identical twin brother lives here in Dallas. Some of you'll know him who's an alcoholic just like me. And I've got a little sister that's never been an alcoholic, never been a hard drinker,

just she freaks us out. We talk. I've got a older sister too. We were laughing. I have a have an older sister and she asked us to go buy some beer. One time they had a little New Year's Eve party and she handed me a 20.

I, I said, how many people are coming to this budget? I don't know, 60 or 70 will show up and I'm looking at the 20 looking back of her looking at 20. I was like, I don't understand that at all. My sis, they don't understand. We're raised in the same family, same everything going on. But my twin brother and I caught this little genetic bullet. My father was an alcoholic. We got the bullet from him. It's just that simple, folks.

When we cats come into treatment, we talk to them about this genetic predisposition and it's like 99.9% of them. They all raise their hand because they all can see this direct descent, you know, the alcohol of active alcoholism or drug addiction up in that family tree. You give most of us in this room, our family trees, a good kick and a half a dozen of us little knuckleheads will drop out of the top of that tree. And that's just the nature of the beast. And yet we still want to go into meetings and talk about why we're an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic because my mom and dad did some pokey, pokey, period. That's why.

Hear me say it. I might make it. Listen, can my external world exacerbate the problem? You better believe it. Listen, guys, some of us in this room are carrying some baggage we've been carrying for years. And all of that baggage exacerbated the problem and made it worse. Maybe childhood trauma, poverty, Oh my God, there's 1000 things that can do that. I, I'm not making fun of any of that. But initially what caused the problem is this genetic predisposition. And we must somehow get on the same page with that because we're we're, we're, we're killing people trying to connect the dots, trying to blame something

for something that's going on internal. Let me run something by you.

How many of y'all think alcohol is the problem?

Because it's not if. If alcohol is the problem,

quit

because my problem is alcoholism.

You'll follow because when I stop drinking, I don't get better. I get worse. Oh my gosh, You should see some of y'all watch the little, the little guys that come into the hospitals or watch the guys that come into our a, a meeting. So you all seen them. They get in there and all banged up and they detox for a few days and all of a sudden their little sunbeams for Jesus and they're jumping around having a great time and everybody makes fun of them thinking it's a joke. You know, they're on a little pink cloud. No, they're experiencing what Bill Wilson told us we would experience in this little window of opportunity. They're they're doing what they're supposed to be doing. And my MO is about 2-3 weeks out. I

start to go crazy. You'll follow everything that was so great last week. I can, I can smell everything. I see everything. Oh, this morning I was walking out, I heard I saw a bird on my car and it was a sign from God.

You know, I'm saying is everything means something. Did you see the clouds this morning? It is spelled out. Oh my gosh. And beautiful child of God and Oh no, we're seeing

that's week one. You'll understand.

And week two, you're a little, you're a little irritable, restless and discontent. You're over there and you're tapping your foot and tap, tap, tap, tap. You know, everybody's looking over what's wrong. You seem a little, a little hot. What's what's up? Nothing, nothing. I'm just, I'm just nothing.

Oh shit. And about the third week out, we become hyper vigilant. You have this. What's everybody laughing at?

Is it me? Is it my zipper? Is it my, you know and everybody, it was just you got a memo? How come I didn't get the memo? It's just you're with us. Bill Wilson describes the symptoms on page 52 of the Bedevilments. He talks about this internal discomfort, irritable, restless and discontent up in the front. It talks about trouble and personal relationships, anxiety, this low self esteem, this feeling of uselessness, this fearfulness, this anxiety. All of this stuff starts to come back. Now. Listen guys, I'm weeks away from the drink. I'm further away from that the the problem

than I've ever been. Then why aren't I doing better?

My little head starts to race again. And I can't sleep at night, you know, And I'm just, I'm coming apart at the seams. They can't talk to me that way. They they, they,

I leave work one day and I'm driving around the freeway out here and I pull into a 711. I sit in the car and I'm sweating. I said they should be treating me, but this is just not right. Those people have, they're the problems. I'm sober. I don't know why they're talking. And I'm walk in, open a cooler, pick up a Doctor Pepper, walk back, get about halfway back, look up.

You could probably have one.

Yeah, that's the ticket. But

just one.

Take the Doctor Pepper back, grab a Budweiser, walk back to the counter, stop. If it's going to be one, make it a big one.

Oh, yeah,

in that back up there, the counter with a quart of beer in your hand, everything's great. Whistling. You came in pissed. If you'd had a gun, you'd have shot anybody. You'll understand. That little guy in front trying to cash a money order and they got the lottery ticket guys up there. And like that you're going. Oh, hey,

this morning, this morning, when I was in there, it was like, hey, why don't you get a checking account like everybody else? What is this is what's the name of this place? Quick stop. Huh. What are you doing in line like this? Come on, hurry up. Let's go now.

I mean absolutely no hurry whatsoever. Just go ahead right on up there. Just get cut in line. No, no sweat, no sweat. A little short here. Let me let me pay that down. Let me get you that other lottery ticket right there. I don't care. I am the nicest guy in the world because I have the solution to every problem I've got and it's right here in my hand. Y'all understand that guys? That is not a problem with alcohol. That is untreated alcoholism. More of us commit suicide in that state right there than we do out there drinking and drugging. That's a fact.

Why do we tell the newcomer to just go to meetings and don't drink and everything will be OK?

Why don't you just hand them a goddamn gun and tell them to go out in the back and shoot themselves?

Don't tell them that

I was a professional chef for years, guys. I went to Houston and I was an apprenticeship program and I was pretty talented and I we were laughing earlier. I, there were times

I was good at what I was doing and even even impaired drinking and drugging, I was better than most and I was often toasted by the, my fellow chefs and I was asked to, to lead even as just young man, I was on the picture covers of magazines. And I mean, this was, this was before the Food Network stuff. This was back in the olden days, guys. And you had to do something. And I mean, I, I got to tell you

it was a hoot. And I and I, I was pretty successful there for three years later, after all of this stuff was coming down and my disease kept progressing. I used to call these guys, these same people that were toasting me and asked them for a job and they would kindly look the other way.

You'll understand his stuff stopped working. That was my deal for 17 years. I was what we call in the industry, a functioning alcoholic. I wasn't eating on the street or doing I, I had a job most of those 17 years. One day I would have a great job the next day I would have not so good of a job. You with us nice apartment. And the next day I'm, I'm kind of, well, I'm just going to spend a couple of nights in my truck until my other apartments. You know, that kind of deal. And it's it's like, it's like, but I always remember the times I'm living in the nice apartments and

like, this is nuts. The internal conditions kicking my butt. I'm making geographic moves. That's why I still do this day drive a pickup because you never know when you got to move.

I'm just kidding, Hun. I'm not going anywhere. But I, you know, you never know.

I'm seeing a therapist early on because of the depression. I was one of these guys that I was so grateful that one of the first doctors I saw a therapist, they said, Chris, you, you, you're suffering from clinical depression. And I got to tell you, there are people out there that suffer from clinical depression. It wasn't me. It just sounded better than self pity,

a lot better. You follow. And still to this day, the guys that I end up sponsoring, they want to start throwing that clinical depression crap at me and I could flip it right back to page 64. Selfish and self centeredness that we think is the root of our troubles.

I'm so it's all about me, folks. And that's the nature of the beast with Alcoholics and drug addicts. I can't get well and I'm taking pill after pill. They're giving me the docs. They're always went up and you know, whoa, Chris, you're not clinically depressed. You're you're, you're bipolar. You're not bipolar, you're manic depressive. You'll follow, you know, this is all the nuts. Your, your anxiety disorder. That was a good one because they give you benzos for that one and you just kind of you got to bebop around and drool and drink a lot and it's just, it's good. It's not, it's not,

it's it's nice. The detox is a bitch, but it's nice and

early in the 80s I'm trying to save a marriage. About 79 I discovered cocaine. Somebody turned me on to that outside issue and then I'm off to the stupid races with that and the methamphetamine later on. There's lots of stuff that went in the the main state with me was always rut gut, cheapest on sale beer you could buy. That was my nemesis. And the last thing I put in my body in 1987 was, was that beer. And I,

I went to

trying to save this first marriage. I ended up in therapy again. And this little, little, little therapist was also in recovery. And, and he looked at my folder and said, buddy, I know you've got all this stuff going on with you, but it looks to me like you're, you're you're a drunk And I was not a happy camper with that. Y'all wear this. I borderline schizophrenic. Sounds pretty good on the, you know, we're going to rolls off the just you're an, I can't even say alcoholic. You know, my father was an alcoholic. I'm not an alcoholic, but I am

textbook. And so I went to my first a a meeting and I walked up some steps to this meeting and it's a real dark in there and there's no geezer laying up in an easy chair. And

and I'm not trying to be disrespectful to the old guy. I'm sure he was trying to help be scared the shit out of me, you know, and it was a dark room with one little light like psycho, you know, that kind of light, you know, and he's in there like that. He says, do you have a problem with alcohol? And I said yes, and

my eyes adjusted to the room and realized there was four or five other people in there and none of them were Alcoholics. And we talked about some lady's husband who'd drinking too much. For the next hour. I laughed kind of like days, like deer in the headlight, like, what the hell was that? My wife said, well, how'd the, a, a meeting go? I said, man, I it was pretty cool. They shared from the heart buddy. I tell you, they, they, those people. Thank God they got a place to go and I had a quart of beer. And I'm, I'm, I spent the next seven years going to meetings hating them.

Now listen guys, this is where you can disagree with me all you want,

but I, I got to tell you, I work in a hospital where people come in every day and they look up in the wall and they see those 12 steps and their face drops and they go, Oh my God, not more 12 step stuff. They

hate us

because of the meetings that we allow to exist out there,

because if you happen to be a real alcoholic, you can't get well in those meetings.

All we did for seven years was piss and moan about your day. Who's got the problem? Pick me. I got the problem. Let's talk about my relationship, let's talk about my guard. Let's talk about this. Let's talk about that. Except we didn't talk about how to recover from alcoholism and drug addiction. There wasn't a big book in the place. And after we finished that, we told war stories, especially if there was a little new guy, if there was a little young guy like like like Randy in there, any of the little new you knew just little guy, little Squeaky.

We'd kill him. We'd kill him. Let's, let's, let's tell, let's tell him how we got here. Let's tell him what happened. And we start the stupid war stories until the cows come home. Guys, I gotta tell you, war stories are one of the most. We just gotta have it in the fellowship, you know, 12 step call. You better have a war story you follow because nobody's gonna listen to you unless you can identify with what's going on from the podium. It's nice to be able to tell some people so they can identify and understand where you're coming from. But sitting in a meeting on a Friday night and a newcomer walks in? Why in the living hell would you want to?

Another stupid effing war story.

Show me in the book where it says that this is what you're supposed to do, because it doesn't say it.

Could you talk to him after the meeting or before the meeting? Share a little bit,

could you? Yeah,

I think sometimes we just don't use any kind of discernment when we come into these meetings. I've watched it 1000 times at little noon meetings. We'll be sitting in there in a nice little businesswoman will come in and she's got a little DWI and she's having a little problem and she's kind of freaked out about the solution. She knows she's got a problem. So she comes to this meeting and all we end up doing is scaring her out of there by telling how many Dwis we've had and how many people we've chopped up and put little plastic bags and how many liquor stores we robbed. You know, And it becomes obvious that we're trying to play Billy Badasses, that we go around the room. Guys,

the drama is not important. And I know some of you guys, you bristle with this. In a 12 step call, I'm going to say it again. You better have a story. It's important. But in a meeting, why do we do that? Why do we scare people out?

They they hate us. They tell us that I don't want to go back to a A because all they do is tell war stories and whine about their day. In the traditions, we have a little thing called single purpose. What we're supposed to do in there is talk about what we're supposed to be talking about.

Everybody's clear on that. I know in Texas, boy, you come into an AAA meeting, start talking about dope, some old geese will shut you down in a heartbeat, and they have every right to do that because we're here to talk about alcohol. I understand that you're with us, but then why is it that you can talk about your relationship problem in a meeting where there's a lot of other people in there that are not even in relationships? We only have one primary purpose, and that's try to recover from alcoholism. But we're not ever going to get around to talking about that because we're too busy talking about your chicken shit day.

Everybody applause. And then we go straight back to the meetings and let it happen over and over and over again. I don't know what to tell you. It's to see, here's the deal guys, is that the fellowship and the programmer, They're really cool and we need the time to talk about the program and the fellowships. The coolest. We're going to sit out here after the show tonight. We're going to talk about our day and visit about our our experiences and share as much of our lives as we can. There's a place for that in the fellowship. I'm just saying for the hour that we're going to sneak in and try to catch a meeting. Why don't we talk about the power of God? Why don't we talk about how to get through a four step so we can get some relief

and all that guilt and stuff? Why don't we talk about some cool experiences we're having in sobriety so we can pull the little scared guy in the back with a with a vision of what life can be like? Why is it that we insist on coming into these meetings and using them as dumping grounds for our problems? We need to stop.

We're the. We're the. We're the butt. We're the punch line of a joke all over the world because of that.

The problem is not the individuals. I got to tell you guys, you don't mind if I take this off to you.

Just saying somebody whistled. That's good.

I'll take whistles from anybody. That's OK. That's good deal.

There wasn't anybody in those seven years out there sharing war stories with me or talking about their freaking weed eater that was trying to hurt me. Y'all understand that there's more love in these rooms and you can shake a stick at everybody was trying to help. Well, if you come in here with a problem and you don't talk about it, you'll leave with the problem and you might drink over it. You're going to drink go anyway

because the big book says quite clearly talks about it. There's anything left to drink over. You're going to drink over anything. You'll follow. See, that's the cool thing about having the spiritual experience. Once the spiritual experience happens, then it doesn't matter what happens out there. Good things happen. You stay sober. That's called power. You give us enough power. We can walk through anything with grace and dignity and come out the other side. But why is it that we feel like we've got we got to be. The poor little newcomer comes in and he picks it up and he thinks that's what he's supposed to do is talk about his day. And then he relapses and the best we can do is come back and throw it in his face.

Didn't want it bad enough. Well, but God damn didn't. You didn't tell him the truth. You didn't tell him what he needed to do to get well. You just told him to come to meetings and talk about his day. Come to meetings and talk about your day, please. Before or after the meeting. But during the meeting, you better be sharing some hope. If you're in a meeting with me and you start that crap, I don't care if it's in. I don't care. I'm going to stop you. Excuse me.

Our meeting formats at the outpost where Patty and I go to meetings, we're rigid as can be in that format. We're not here as a dumping ground for your problems. Please feel free to come before or after the meeting if you just need to talk. But during this hour, we're going to talk about the power of God. We're going to talk about the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

You follow

people, People leave by drugs, they leave this well that. That formats way too rigid for me. I'm out of here. Good.

Rock on. Go kill somebody else. Someplace else,

I know it

1987 I'm done. I I have been to the therapy route and I've been Roth and I've been, I've been

we were laughing at one of the other deals We did some of y'all, I would probably, this would probably be the perfect y'all know what I'm talking about, but I did colonics one time to get sober.

I said that from the podium out in West, out West and and Nope, there was no, nobody said anything. It's like I was just going to laugh out there, blow it in the wind. It's like nobody understood what that was. But but this, this there. But they've said you, it's it's impurities in your body and that's why you're an alcoholic and an etiquette. If you'll do colonics, you, you will, you can stay sober. And I did it. I thought it was the bomb. I never stayed sober, not one day. But I got to tell you my complexion was something else.

That's a fact.

I said naked and sweat lodges and I I in in churches built like teepees and pyramids and had crystals and you know what I mean? And I know

it's 1987. It's a cold November night, and I picked up a stack of return checks and went into my little apartment and little ferrets were running around in there in a cage. And I've got no furniture. I had some furniture, but I lent them to somebody one time. Never

and up. Yeah, he's probably still got him.

And I opened those return checks and I'm just done. I, I'm working for my twin brother up in North Texas and, and thank God I've got the job and I'm, I'll forever be grateful for my family for helping me out. But guys, I'm, I'm just, I make a, a conscious decision to commit suicide. I, I, I just am tired of letting people down. I, I am not the person

looking in this mirror that my father raised and I can't tell you I'm going to stay sober

and let you down one more time. I pick it up. I picked up 1000 desired chips and every time I picked it up, I meant it folks. And that's what our families don't understand. They they think that we're all blowing smoke and, and members of our own fellowship

encourage that line of thought. You know, Alcoholics were all liars and horse thieves. You know, that's just not true. That's not my experience. I know some really evil people in AAA, but I also know some of the nicest people on earth who just have a problem drinking. Y'all understand that? And there were times I told people that I was going to stop and I meant it with every fiber in my body and I didn't have the power to pull it off. This is why we need to understand that alcoholism is not some kind of a stupid behavioral problem. This is a very real diagnosable illness.

And unless it's treated, and I mean by God treated properly, we're not going to get well. And This is why we relapse over and over and over. And I just think the person that wants to come mess with this, they should be allowed to do that. But I think, I think anybody coming in should absolutely have the right to hear the unadulterated, unwatered down solution.

I heard a voice that night that said don't do this. Go back to AAA. And I God, I didn't hear a voice in my head. I heard a voice that said don't do this. Go back to a A. It scared the daylights out of me and I've been drinking, but I wouldn't squash. I was just, I, I was under the influence. There's no question I'm looking around for the voice. There's nothing in that room but me and two little ferrets and I'm and I'm,

I could still smell, you know, lesser. I miss them and I'm

I know, I know. And I laid down on the bed that night. I made myself sick and I laid down on the bed and that night and the next morning I heard the voices. I woke up as I regained consciousness. I I I heard the voice when last time and says go back, don't do this. Go back to a A and I, I went to a doctor that morning and I got some some meds to to start to detox. Excuse me. And that night at 6:00, I walked back into an A a meeting. I knew what this meeting was because a guy had 12 step me three years earlier and he showed me where this meeting was. He said, he said this is a, this

you need don't go there if you're not interested. And I said, you know, it's kind of freaked me out. I made a middle note. You're right. I ain't going there and but I was running late and I was feeling really lousy and I but I'd made a promise that I would go back to AA. And so I went to this meeting and I walked in the back door and everybody's laughing just like we just like we do in meetings there. This is back in the day you could smoke. It was in Lewisville, TX guys is where I got sober. It was over in Main Street group and long shotgun meeting. They were all laughing and joking and I walked in and immediately was like we were talking. I got real self-conscious and I,

I just started to hyperventilate and I started to back out. I said like I'm, I don't want to do this. And I'd been there. Guys don't understand this. I've done this seven years. I've walked into these meetings. I was the laughing joke of people in a, a 'cause I kept picking up these chips and I walked back in there and I couldn't do it. And I started to walk back in. This little little 1819 year old girl got between me and the door. I stepped on her foot as I'm backing out. Some of y'all have heard me talk about this and I talked about it every time I speak because I think it's important because the little 19 year old girl wasn't often some little young adult meeting

young adult stuff. She was in mainstream a a looking for a drunk and I was the drunk and her sponsor had seen me and she couldn't get over to me. So she pointed the girl and the girl got between me and the door, stuck her finger in my belt loop and pulled me down in a chair. And I don't know what you call love folks, but that as far as I'm concerned is about the about the apex. She didn't pat me on the ass and say keep coming back. It worked if you working

she pulled me down on a chair and got me a couple of coffee and some paper towels and says sit down buddy. It's an hour. Well, I'm going to sit right here with you and we visited a little bit. God's grace. You know, if it had been a guy out I just whipped his ass and moved. But this girl is lightning kids

and I'm big full beard. No, I've got about 40 lbs on me here and I hadn't bathed in days. I mean guys, I was a tip. I was a mess. And this little girl, she just,