The Port Fishington speakers meeting in Philadelphia, PA

My name is Jim Bach. I'm alcoholic. It's good to be here, it's good to be sober. My sobriety day is November 19th, 1987. My Home group, as he said, is the sponsorship group. We meet Sunday night in Chatham at 8:30 and it's an awesome meeting. It's good to be down here. It's always a an honor and a privilege to be able to speak at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

I only wish you invited me a couple weeks ago. So there was something left to steal.

And with, with, with that said, it's a, it's really an honor and a privilege to be standing behind one of these things and not entering a plea.

And I like to drink, and I want to talk about drinking.

And if you don't like drinking, like I like drinking, you might as well leave now.

I love the fucking drink. I just, I, I, I love it. I love drinking like, like I, I never loved anything, you know, Because what happens is when I drink, you guys shape up. All you drink, all you girls get real hot, you know, and all you guys aren't so scary.

When I drink something happens. It's just absolutely marvelous. You know, I didn't think that I could ever be an alcoholic because I, I tried to avoid drinking every day. And then maybe if, you know, if the, if they rewrote one part of the big book, you know, maybe that little part where it says more about alcoholism than, you know, we, we switched from Scotch to Brandy and we took a trip and not took a trip and that sort of thing. And if, if I were to rewrite it, I probably would have wrote, you know, we, we

some crack and

add some, you know, talk to my inner child or

ditch Marilyn or something along those lines. Because I live this with this delusion that someday I'll be able to control and enjoy my drinking. I mean, that's, that's, that's a great delusion that I have is that, you know, one,

one day I'm going to be able to control and enjoy it, you know, and, and I'm not able to do that. You know, if I'm enjoying it,

there's no control. And if I'm controlling it, I'm not, I'm not having a very good time. I am

I'll back up to before I was drinking because that, that's who I became when I stopped drinking. You know, when I got out of rehab, it, it felt like I was back in first grade. And what it was like in first grade, I, I, you know, I was a new kid in the new school and we had moved to, you know, many towns away. And I looked at these kids and they're all doing better than I was. And I looked at their sneakers. And that's how you tell how well somebody's doing

at first grade or in rehab.

I'm, I'm looking at these kids. And they, they, they had it going on. Man, I was like, oh God, look at this. And kids. And it, it always seems like I'm the only stranger. Like, like maybe we just all met today from, you know, distant cities. But after 20 minutes or so, it seems like everybody else knows each other. And, and I don't know how. I don't know how to do that. You know, these kids seem to get to know each other very quickly and they're all best friends. And I got to, you know, sort of break into the club and I don't know what to say. I don't know how

say it and I'm not really good at communicating, you know, because when I'm thinking about what to say after you say something, you might keep talking. And what, what comes out of my mouth was relevant about 5 or 10 minutes ago. And you look at me weird, you know, and I'm a little over sensitive. So I might hit you because I don't like you guys screwing with me. And it seems like everybody's always screwing with me. But this, this day in first grade, these kids were doing really well and I, I want to impress people. I

and it it's not something that comes naturally letting down my armor and being real with people to get to let them to get to know me. OK, What what what I do is I put on a show. Everything is a performance. Each person I run into, it seems like my life had become an endless series of auditions by first grade. Because I I want to say the right thing. I want to do the right thing. Secretly inside what I'm saying is love me. Please just treat me right.

I'll be whoever you want me to be, you know, and, and, and that's the way my life is. And I, you know, this day I'm going to impress kids. So the future asks a question

and my hand darts up. I answer the question. I got it wrong. Now I think she's growing with me. I can't believe you know, she's picking on me my first day. And I started thinking about what people are thinking about me, you know, and I was always able to interpret things better than everybody else. I was born with a skill where I can look at somebody and know that there are complete asshole, you know what I mean? I look at you and I can

almost just about read your mind.

You know, I've always been able to interpret facial expressions, body language like a little at this end of somebody's, you know, you know, statement to me and

you know,

stay in first grade. I'm like freaking out. You know, I feel like they're judging me, like, you know, they think I came to school on a short bus like I I got some mental problems and I don't know what to do, so I'm going to redeem myself. She has another question. My hand arts up. I I answered that, but I got it wrong. Now I think this lays a complete bitch because she's screwing me. I couldn't have gotten too wrong. They're out to get me my first day. They're making my life miserable. Now it seems like I can feel people looking at me. I don't know about you guys, but when I do something completely stupid,

the pressure and the anxiety just floats in the air. It's it makes walking difficult because there's so much tension and stress in the air and I'm sitting down. Oh my God, it sucks. And you know, I don't know what to do. I get the hell out of here and I'm measuring my breath because I think I'm breathing too hard. And maybe I'm not sitting up straight enough, or maybe I'm sitting too straight, or maybe my socks don't match. Or maybe I should have sat over there instead of over here. And I and I and I play these mind games with myself and I'm freaking out. And I couldn't have gotten worse, but I had to go.

Now I've got to visualize everything I do before I do it. And I'm thinking, OK, I'll put my hand up. But the whole class in unison is going to say, hey, retar, she's not asking a question. Put your hand up. Or the teacher's going to say, oh, OK, yes, retarded kid, what was it, you know, Oh, even you can get this one before you go, you know, and I'll get that one wrong. And I can't handle it. But I've got good ideas. I always have really good ideas

and my ideas for your pants. So I'm sitting there, I don't know how,

and for the first few seconds it wasn't a bad idea.

And then I looked down and I was like, holy shit. Just a hell of a lot more than I thought. And then then I, then I searching it. Wait a second. This is first period.

It's going to be a long day.

Now, that's what it's like when I'm sober. It doesn't, it's not getting any better. I mean, year after year it changes a little bit. On occasion I'll engage in some sort of behavior, obsessive behavior, which makes me look wonderful. First, you know, I'll study, I'll study night and day, around the clock, every day of the week. And I'll and I'll get a really good grade and then the teacher will say that's great. Look what he did, you know, But it doesn't last long enough. You guys don't appreciate me as much as I need to be appreciated.

I mean, it's, it's not like it's not like every day is my birthday and, and we're all going to celebrate. I mean, I like it to be that way, but nobody wants to play along, you know, nobody really loves me as much as I need to be loved no matter what I accomplish. You can be sports, it can be finances, it could be anything. Nobody ever appreciates me as much as I need to be appreciated for me to be at ease, for me to be relaxed, for me to communicate without feeling like I'm being judged,

You know, and, and I remember even a year later, the teacher comes in with a with a stack of books. She hands him out to everybody. She was class Great news. What we're going to do is we're going to read out loud from this book. Everybody gets read the paragraph. We're not going to, you know, do our normal lesson today. And everybody thinks it's cool because we're not going to do anything. But I'm freaking out because there's like a spotlight on me. This is like an audition. This is like a Broadway production. Oh, I got to read this freaking paragraph. Oh my God, I count the kids.

Count the paragraphs. OK,

I'm reading and I'm getting through it. I'm doing OK and it's getting close. I'm freaking out a little bit, but I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it and then some girl three seats over reach 3 paragraphs. Now for most people in the in the class, that would not be grounds for aggravated assault.

OK, but this girl is out to get me

and somebody has got to teach her a lesson, OK? I don't know why I always have to be the one teaching everybody a lesson. OK, but somebody's got to do it,

right? You know, Fast forward a couple years later, there's a dance, you know, girls on one side, guys on the other. 7th grade, nobody's doing much of anything in 7th grade. So I see that we see these kids out there as a guy and a girl dance and, you know, kind of like goofy kids, right? And we start making fun of them because that's what we do, right? But 20 minutes later, there's more kids dancing. Half hour later, a lot of people are dancing. An hour later, a lot of people. And I'm, Oh my God, who am I going to pick? I would have gone with any of the girls, OK, if no one was watching,

right? I'm thinking, oh, that one, this one I got, you know, she's got to, like, say yes, you know what I mean? Because if she says no, I'm going to be destroyed. You know, I'm sounding out in my head what I'm going to say, who I'm going to pick. And I finally picked my girl on them. OK, I'll say this. She'll say this, but back and forth. But if she is, if she says no, I have to be able to inflict as much pain

on her as I feel myself. Because I'm not going down alone. I am. So I get my mark. I'm walking out there

and all of a sudden the music's going. Everybody's dancing. Oh my God, you don't know how to dance. Oh my God. Oh, but some kid over here is bopping up and down with the music. I can bop, right? So I'm like, OK, someone like this,

but someone, some kid over here is going like this and I'm going, oh, look at this. So I'm, I'm swinging, I'm jumping, I'm bopping and someone stops to scare them. What are you doing? It looks like I'm having a seizure. Like, what the Hell's wrong with this guy? Right. Oh, fuck. You know, I, I, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta regroup.

So I got, I go and I stand against the wall. I'm trying to get it together. I'm like, Oh my God, please. But the dance is over. And I'm a loser. And I'm not, I'm not part of the gang. I'm not, I'm not at the party. I'm on the outside looking in, you know, and this sucks. I can't do this. You know, my life's not getting better. I'm not outgrowing this awkwardness. And this goes on for a year. You know, it's like year after year after year. I'm just having these problems communicating with people and I don't, I don't know how to do it.

And, and what was what was about to happen was my life was going to change.

My first night drunk, you could have diagnosed me as alcoholic, my very first night drunk, because what happens for me does not happen for normal people. My first night drunk, I changed. I always thought you drink in the morning, drink by yourself, drink every day, then you'll be an alcoholic. But my first night drunk, I was an alcoholic. And what happened was this kid, Mark calls me up and Mark was a bad kid. I love bad kids. If you're a normal, well balanced guy and you come up to me trying to have a conversation,

I think you want to have sex. I'm like, what? You know, whoa, my birthday. What do you carry? You know, and I get in a lot of fights, you know, I don't know how to deal with people. I, I, what happens when I let somebody get close to me and have a normal kind of connected, intimate sort of relationship? My feelings get hurt very, very quickly, right? All of a sudden, I'm letting them play God,

you know, and I feel devastated at some point or another because they're paying too much attention to somebody else,

right? So what happens is this kid Mark calls me up and he says, Jimmy, I got a case of Budweiser and some girls. Now I'm thinking about girls. I'm not thinking about Budweiser. Budweiser. You know, the older kids are drinking Budweiser, but girls are thinking, oh, my God. Yeah, I've been trying. I'm like 16. I've been trying to get married since I'm 5.

Now there's this girl that sat next to me in a homeroom. Her name was Amy. I look over at Amy every day and I'm like Oh my God, she was gorgeous. You know what I mean? Just one of these girls,

right? And I'm still, this is 2 years later, I'm still sounding out. What the hell? I'm going to say, OK? Because I'm afraid to make a move. I cannot handle rejection. All right? So I'm thinking that this girl is going to show up. You know, maybe this girl, Lisa, who was a friend of my sister that said hello to me once. I mean, it doesn't take too much for me to fall in love.

I mean, you could, you could be waving to the guy behind me and I'm in love,

you know, I'm like, hey, baby, you know. And So what happens is this, I'm excited. This car pulls, you know, up my driveway.

I go running outside. I go rundown the car back door opens up and this girl hops out and I take one look at her and I'm thinking, get back in the car before the neighbors. Where the hell Amy and I look at? I look in the back seat next to her. That's her ugly sister. I'm like, oh, what? You know, we're just like, no good looking girl in this car, right? But she goes hop in, hop in the middle. I'm like, OK,

I mean, she's bigger than me. I'm not getting my ass kicked in the driveway. OK, fine, I get in,

right? We're driving and I'm thinking, don't let anybody see me, you know? In fact, maybe you want to hit a tree. I'll go through the windshield right from the back seat, you know, it just sucks, you know? But I look at this girl and she's got pretty eyes, and if I can just keep it to the eyes, you know what I mean? I'll just make my whole move around the eyes, you know what I mean? I can move my hands around, you know what I mean? I got to stick to the eyes. So I try. I try. I give my best shot and I'm like spitting and stammering and I can't talk to her.

Why am I so broken? I mean, if you can't talk to a girl that you find repulsive,

how pathetic are you, right. So what happens is somebody hands me a Budweiser and I'm like, OK, whatever. I crack. It tastes skunky. It had been sitting in the bushes for a couple days. It's like, but nobody else seemed to notice. I keep, I just drank it Now. I don't know if it's the second, the third, the 4th beer, but something happened. Something happens to me that does not happen to a non alcoholic

because I'm drinking. I'm drinking. I look over this girl lost 15 lbs.

Oh my God. Oh my God, she is beautiful. Oh my God. And when that was I said something, I don't know what I said. I don't know exactly how to say it, but I said something in a way that was just magical because I didn't think about what she was going to say. It wasn't like I'm, you know, coming with hat in hand, begging for her, you know, approval, OK. It was like I was doing, I was doing her a favor, you know, because her eyes went from like this judgmental, you know, this like, I hate you, you know, you piece of shit, you know,

to this girl who is like, oh, I want you.

It's just like a glance, you know? I mean, I could see it in her eyes, you know, I that hungry look. It was like. And yeah, I figured I I'll, I'm a nice guy. I'll take care of her. So I said something and she laughed and she said something and I laughed. Next, you know, we're having a conversation now that's a home run for a guy like me, you know, all of a sudden I'm in the human race, I'm in the game, I'm at the party. I'm not on the outside looking in. Alcohol saved me.

Alcohol allows me to do something. I I just can't do it.

Alcohol plugs me into a power that allows me to do things and say things and feel things that I don't

know how to connect to any other way.

I don't know how to live like that. I don't know how to function with any degree of confidence. Before that period, alcohol changed my life, right? And that night something happened, You know, that will only happen to an alcoholic because when I'm drinking, the phenomena of craving kicks in, which means that when I start drinking, I take a drink, and then the drink takes a drink. All bets are off.

I have no idea what the Hell's going to happen. So I start drinking and then I keep drinking and I can't stop drinking. Next thing you know, we're making out.

I'm thinking Budweiser, the king of beers. Yeah, right. This is fantastic. I cannot believe I've waited so long to do this right. But I keep drinking and next thing you know, I'm kissing the wrong girl. But I know what to say. Alcohol allows me to say things and do things that I don't know how to do otherwise. Because this one's pissed. Because I'm kissing her sister. And I'm like, there's enough to go around. I'll be right back to you,

you know, And I, I am so wonderful. She should just wait her turn

right? But next thing you know I hit my first bottom. Now, bottoms, don't get me sober.

Can you just give me a, you know, an opportunity to get used to a situation I've yet to get used to? You know, that night I'm laying face down on Gravel Park and Lonica, Cinders on my tongue, rocks in my face, rocks in my chest, and one of these girls is stepping on my back because apparently I said something. I mean, it's okay for Jenny Craig to give dining advice and not me.

Clearly oversensitive, all right, But I I got used to laying in parking lots. It's a small price to pay for it, to join their human race. For a guy like me to live, to function,

laying in parking lots, not bad. Fast forwards for my drinking. First time I'm sitting in the back of this police car and I got handcuffs on and I'm ducking and I'm embarrassed. I'm humiliated. I cannot believe my life, my life sank. Islam. Now, if you're here because you got arrested the first time, the second time is so much easier.

Believe me. It's, it's, it's not nearly as stressful. You wait 3456 times later, you know what's going to happen. You know what I mean? This is like a misdemeanor.

This is not a big deal.

First time I got evicted. I'm embarrassed. I'm humiliated. They put the big sign on the wall on the door and say, Oh my God, what are you gonna do? Oh, shit. You know, the second time you get a big, it's a little bit easier. You keep getting evicted. You don't have so much shit to move. I'm like, Oh my God, furniture. You know, I remember one time I'm I'm signing a lease. I have a check on the table. I'm sliding it across. I know I'm getting evicted. Right? Because you don't need an accountant. You don't have to do much math to understand it.

Month and a half security. First month's rent? That's 2 1/2 months. It took them five months to throw me out. I doubled my money by not paying the rent.

You know strong, right? Who cares?

I keep drinking and I keep drinking, you know, and then all of a sudden I'm, I'm doing things that I, I couldn't imagine doing. You know, one night I go out for a couple drinks. I'm under financed. I got a big job the next day. I know I can't, I know I can't drink tonight, but somebody else is buying. And I'm not the kind of guy that's going to insult somebody who wants to buy me drinks. You know, I start drinking and I keep drinking and next thing you know, 50 foot of guardrail, a telephone pole and two of my buddies in surgery.

You know, and I don't learn my lesson, OK? I don't learn from situations like that. I get used to them, right? And I keep drinking and I've been in many total cars

because I love to drink,

you know, keep, I keep drinking. Fast forward through my drinking, I have a couple drinks. Next thing you know, I'm in New York doing an armed robbery. Now it seems like a really good idea at the time. It just, you know, it's just like one of those things. The stores aligned and you just come, right? You know what I mean? I had never thought about it before that, but it seemed like a good idea, you know? And then one afternoon, we're just drinking Budweiser, you know, just a couple of beers that that's not like really drinking, right?

We had this guy come to our Home group. He goes, he's like, they should have. You know, I heard all your stories. You're doing heroin and smoking crack and drinking out, you know, vodka and Jack Daniels.

They should have a special program for people who just drink beer. And I yelled out they do Al Anon

now.

He, he never came back to our group

this afternoon. I'm that afternoon, I'm drinking, I'm just drinking beer and a beer. Come on, seriously. Beer is not, you know, But what happens is I put any alcohol in me now, it could be, it could be cooking wine, it could be mouthwash, it could be vanilla extract. I put her in my body and that's stimulates a phenomena of craving. And I'm off the races because what happened was soon after that, somebody pulled out some Jack Daniels.

I fucking love Jack Daniels. I love Jack Daniel. It's like eating. It's like you could chew it, you know?

I love drinking, you know? And so I start chugging that and next thing you know, pick up this guy hitchhiking and we decide to keep him. You know,

it, it seemed really funny at the time. It was. It was kind of, it was really hysterical at the time. Yeah, at the beginning part, you know what I mean? Until he got lippy, you know? But I mean, it worked out.

Fast forward through my drinking, I, I, I get into some situations right now. I've got a big family. And it's good thing about big, you know, having a big family and lots of cousins and aunts and uncles and nephews. I got a lot of places to crash. OK, this couch here, the spare bedroom here. And if you keep drinking, like I keep drinking, they're not going to last long, you know, And one by one, these people start becoming very narrow minded about my drinking. You know, everybody's turning on me.

You know what I mean? It's like the police. One day I'm I'm backing out of my driveway. I'm not even on the road yet. They're I'm backing on my driveway and the lights go on, guys, like right up on my ass. He goes up against the car. I'm laying across the hood. He's sticking something in my back. I'm thinking, I hope it's a gun. Jesus, what the hell is this weird. You know, he goes, Mr. Bach. Mr. Bach, can you explain to me why the plate on the front of the car doesn't match the one on the back?

I'm like, I didn't have a fucking screwdriver. What do you want from me?

What are you gonna do? Right? And then my sister turns on my little sister. I love my little sister. You know, I start drinking very, very soon after I start drinking. I, I, I love alcohol. So I want to turn her on, you know, so she's drinking with me. You know what I mean? Very tight family. We're partying to doing all this stuff, but she even, she turns on me. We're sitting at dinner one night and we're just hanging out. I'm a little hungover because I'm always a little hungover. And, you know, family conversations going around and somehow I'm like the topic again.

My little sister's like, oh, you know what he did last night? I'm thinking, right. He peed in the dishwasher.

At first I'm denying. I'm thinking, Oh no, well maybe who cares? I mean, it's all connected. What's

why? Why are you harassing me? Everybody's harassing me about my dream, you know, Fast forward 1985, I go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Somebody gave me 20 bucks to go to an A meeting. This guy used to run with give me 20 bucks and for 20 bucks I'll go to a meeting, right? Right.

I go to meeting and it was pretty cool. These guys are talking drinking story. I like drinking stories, right? I couldn't believe they're talking about this stuff out loud, right? But I was like, OK, that's cool.

You guys are really kind of screwed up. I mean, for you, it's probably a really good idea to stop, you know, drinking, you know, if I ever get as bad as you guys, I can come back here. And for the next two years, what I did is I visited Alcoholics Anonymous. I, I came to meetings so I, I could just keep it together during the week. I'm not going to not drink on weekends, OK. But I will go during a week. And then this friend of mine, this other guy Billy got sober,

you know, he

the first guy, Steve, you know, in order to have some credibility with me to 12 step me and Dow Hall is anonymous, which these two guys did. Now, Steve, we, we had a lot of business endeavors together. Now one of them involved dyeing my hair different colors, assuming different identities before the terrorists made it fashionable. OK, we we imported some South American agricultural products.

We had some toxic waste deals going,

a couple of weird little things like that,

but he was crazy. This guy was insane. I mean, I've seen him pull guns on people and just residential nice

doors. And you know, I mean, just he was insane, right? What what happened was this guy got sober and Alcoholics Anonymous. He disappeared for like a week and he he'd go into a detox. He came out, he's, you know, all shiny eyed talking about God. And I was like, oh, I mean, but it was good for him because he was a disaster. He was dangerous. He was a crazy guy, you know. And then my friend Billy, same thing happened that got him, you know,

now his, his last run, he he was like in a motel room. He threw the television through the window and I think he threw a prostitute through it right after the television

and and then he went to detox and then it, you know, AA came in and he comes out talking about Jesus or whatever I Jesus, you know, wanting to save me. You know what I mean? I'm like, okay, but you know, I went to some meetings, you know, he seemed to be doing pretty well. If it would work on him, you know, maybe you know, it'll work a little bit on me. I don't, I'm not really alcoholic. I don't drink every day,

you know, And so, so I've been exposed to Alcoholics Anonymous. This whole God idea though, these guys are talking about God like I wish I could be so stupid.

I wish I could buy. How do you dumb down enough to believe this stuff

and how do you do that? I, I wanted to, but I, I couldn't figure out how to do that,

you know, and what happened in October 1987 was that the market crashed a little bit. There was some mishaps. My boss was a little upset. My coke dealer had $55,000 of his money and he, he wanted it back, you know, And so I, I end up, you know, going to see somebody and we talked about my drinking. Next thing you know, I'm in a rehab and

this guy from Alcoholics Noms comes in. This guy's, he comes in and he says, oh, I'm sober for three years. Well, and I'm like 3 years old. You're getting carried away.

I mean, if you could stop for three years, why stop for three years? You know, if you can stop, you can stop and you start again, what's the big deal? You know, and he explained a little bit of the progression, the disease concept. He talked about not knowing when he might have that moment of clarity that that would, you know, introduce him again to Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, and he talked about alcoholism and he talked about God. And, you know, maybe, maybe the whole crowd just shut down when he started talking about God. But he,

he stopped and he, and he started to explain himself and he talked about a God of his understanding. He didn't pitch any sort of religious affiliation. He said, you know, three years ago I got on my knees and I said a prayer to a God I didn't believe in and asked him to keep me sober. And I've been doing that every every day since. And, and maybe there's some sort of connection because I haven't picked up a drink.

It's like, OK, well, maybe there's a connection. And I, I didn't realize that you didn't have to believe in God to say a prayer, but well, what the hell, you know, and, and, you know, I don't know if it was him or some other guys that I heard talk about God and they talk about like this, this power that, that's just awesome, you know, and, you know, and they, they seem to have like a magic in their life, you know what I mean? These guys that believe in God seem to have like a

like that magic that I used to have for Santa Claus.

You know, when I remember when I was a little kid, I loved living in Santa Claus.

You know, it was just module. I didn't know it was going to happen. You know, it was just fun to believe. And I wanted to believe. I wanted some magic back in my life. I wanted some wonder. I wanted some amazement. You know, the next day I got on my knees and I said prayer to a God I didn't believe in,

you know, and I'll tell you, that was 21 years, five months and one day ago, and I have not picked up a drink since that day. Maybe there's a connection,

you know, that I didn't start believing in God because of that. I didn't start believing in God until I sponsored other people. I didn't know that there was a God for sure that had my back until I sponsored other people and and looked at them come alive. What happens is I get out of rehab, I go to this meeting and you have to understand that I hadn't been to therapy for about 20 years.

Remember I was, I was like 7 years old and some guy gave me a weird look and I threw him down the stairs,

you know, because I knew what he meant,

right? So they had me looking at ink lots trying to figure out what I saw.

And I don't know about you guys, but I make shit up.

I don't know what that you know, If I don't know the answer, I'm not going to look stupid. I'll make it up right. And every that was always the same. Every time I go to therapy, I I would try to be honest. She's she's like, how do you feel? How do I feel? How did I feel before you asked me, when you asked me or now? OK,

how do I feel, Frank? You know, it's a little early to pass the ball to me.

I don't know how, I don't know, tell me, you tell me how I'm doing. I don't know how I'm doing. And, and I try. I really tried really hard to to kind of do the therapy thing. He's like, oh, I feel sad and she like that. So I go with that for a while, right. And so I tell her some of the things that I've done, you know, and she judged me. And so the end of my story would change because I'm terrified to be in judged. I will do anything,

say anything in order to not be judged. OK, I'll be whoever you want me to be. I've switched musical, you know, interest. I I've, I've driven cars based on trying to be popular and cool. I've I've had careers based on creating the right impression. My whole life was a charade in order to gain acceptance by you guys so you can like me so I wouldn't be feel like I was so fucking alone.

OK? I am the loneliest person on earth,

OK. And going to therapy, I would try my best to try to try to try to do it, to try to get myself right. But I it wouldn't work because it would always come to a point where I feel like she's judging me, you know, and my story would change and I'd veer from the truth. You know, when I met, when I got out of rehab, they said go to a meeting, put your hand up, ask for rides to meetings. So I go to meet and put my hand up and I said, well, I just got to rehab. I need rice and beans and everybody can be right. I'd really appreciate it.

And

what happened was that after the meeting, I'm walking out in the parking lot and this guy yells across. He goes, hey, I can give your eyes. I was like, oh, OK. He said, well, where do you live? And I tell him where I live. And he lived two blocks away. I said, oh, that's pretty cool because you need a ride home. Sure, Absolutely. And I'm walking toward him. He goes, well, there's a bunch of us. And he had like a bunch of like, newcomer people nearest car,

like, well, and I do what I do, you know,

as a broke newcomer. I put my hand into my empty pocket and I'm like, well, he's like, you want to go to diner with us? You know, I don't know.

And he did what every good member of Alcoholics Anonymous, Adele, he said. No, no, no.

You're new. You're supposed to be broke,

my tree,

he said. If you weren't broke, we'd be suspicious.

And I laugh. He laughed. I got in the car, I went to diner and I just got with the guy before me. God, I didn't know. I don't want to make waves. I don't want to be noticed. I didn't know how to do this whole AA thing. I I just wanted to have a different kind of life, you know? So I go, I go with them and get these guys start telling some stories. And it's pretty tame at first, but then they start telling stories that you really shouldn't be talking about in public. You know what I mean? I'm looking at these guys like, Oh my God,

you know, keep it down. You know, maybe the statue of limitations passed on your stuff, but not mine.

Yeah. Yeah. And they keep talking. By the end of the evening, I'm laughing with them. Right. The guy dropped me off that night and. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is cool. He goes, I'll pick you up tomorrow. I'm thinking, how do you know I didn't have plans?

And I'm like, OK, you know, so next day he comes pick picks me up. And every day he took me to a a meeting. Every single day. Yeah. I couldn't get away. You know, he's just like, come on, let's go. OK, whatever. You know, I'm just getting the car and it's like, where are you going? I'm what do you care, you know? Oh, shit. You know, I go to a discussion meeting. I'm going to share some of the stuff I learned in rehab because it's pretty profound.

My hand goes up. He pushes it down.

Don't hurt yourself, kid.

One one thing leads into another. I'm feeling pretty good in Alcoholics numb. I'm feeling pretty good running around with these guys, but it's not lasting. All it's not lasting. You know what happens is I'm at a rehab for a little while. I'm the new guy. Everybody's paying attention like like I'm A Celebrity. All of a sudden this little puke gets out. He's got like four days sober or you know, I'm like,

what's going on with this? And everyone's paying attention to him. You know, what about me? I'm the new guy, you know, and I'm hoping this guy drinks. I, I got my

get my spot back.

So, you know,

it's not, it's not, it's not turning out so well. These guys are not like loving me, you know, and then all of a sudden they get home and, you know, my mom says something and what I'm hearing is like, you know, not what she's saying. You know, she, she, she asked me a simple question. Maybe, you know, what's going on financially. And what that means is, you know, you're a loser. Why couldn't you pay your bills? You owe me so much money. You know, that's what I'm hearing,

right? And then one day she comes in, she gives a stack of at least like bag, big brown bag. I open her up. There's like bills and stuff. Three years on open mail, I'm like, oh, shit, look at all. And I look at 1:00 and it's like from a credit card company and it's like, yeah, we want so much money and make you don't pay. We're going to go charge you more. And I'm like, oh, Jesus, the next one's even worse. And I go Fast forward a couple like a year later and they're like, they're like begging for their money. I'm going to got them where I want them here,

right? Then all of a sudden I get to the court. I get to the court once

I'm like, Oh my God. And I got warned from towns I've never been to. Holy shit. What? I, I never did that, did I? I, Oh my, it's hard. You know, I said, not, not only am I, am I suffering from that normal sense of anxiety that I suffered with in first grade where I'm worried about what you're thinking about me and Oh my God, this is horrible. But that, that coupled with all the things that I do when I'm drinking,

I'm freaking out and I'm like, I hope nobody remembers that.

And I can't walk down that street and I can't go to that store and I can't go to that restaurant. And I can't have I, oh, I got to have a family reunion or I'm going to Christmas. I'm going to say, Oh my God. And you know, it's like, Oh my God, you know, I, I can't, all the catastrophes going on in my life, you know what I mean? All the broken relationships,

you know what I mean? I, I mean, when you're walking around sober, you know, a couple months sober and you haven't worked the steps and you run into some girl and the last time you saw her was when, when she woke up covered in your urine.

It's like, Oh, I'm getting the hell out of this relationship. We don't need to explain this. This is like, you know, I, my, my life is like crapping out in sobriety. And, and I go to meetings with this guy and, and they're not just, they're not doing the trick. He drops me off one night. It's 10:00 at night. He drops me off and my head won't stop.

The meeting didn't do what for me what it's supposed to do