The Newburgh Group in Cleveland, OH

Thank you, Clarence. Hi, everybody. My name is Cindy McCarthy and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi. Can we start with the Serenity Prayer, please? Yeah,

I know to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I don't know what will happen if I move this around. Is that OK? It feels like it's right there.

Thank you, Clarence. Thanks for asking me to come out and share my experience, strength and hope tonight. You know, I think it's an honor and a privilege to lead a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and a, and a responsibility as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous to do what I'm asked, you know, and what a great day to come out and share, you know, Mother's Day. Thank you, Alcoholics Anonymous. I was with all three of my children today

and I wasn't an embarrassment to them. They introduced me to their friends that were in a restaurant that they were in, that we were in. And what a miracle is that they wouldn't bring anybody around me when I, when I came here, before I came here. I mean, to me, that's just, it's just a miracle, you know, and it's, it's all due to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Anyway, my sobriety date is September 19th, 1994. And

that's the day I was given a gift because I really and truly believe that this is a gift. Alcoholics Anonymous

was given to me. It wasn't something I was looking for or, you know, asked for or anything like that. It was given to me.

I have a sponsor. My sponsor is here tonight and and I have a Home group. It's Bria Wednesday Women and you know, thank God for those things. You know, and I have a God in my understanding that is the most important relationship in my life today

is that relationship with God. But thank God for those things that sponsoring that Home group in you know, I'm telling you, I didn't know how to live when I came here. I didn't I didn't know how you guys have taught me everything. You know, I'm the I grew up on the West side of Cleveland. I'm the second oldest of four children and I grew up with, you know, my mom and my dad and, and four kids and I don't know, you know, a good home

now. You couldn't tell me that though. And

some things I found out when I came here and did an inventory that, you know, growing up I was, you know, I used to say that I was, you know, I had a lot of fear going on and I think sometimes I was just in the state of panic all the time. You know, I was selfish and self-centered and could think of nothing but myself. I used to say that I was shy, you know, and I, I don't know that I was shy. I just know that I was just always thinking about me and I didn't know that till I came here and did an inventory.

Nothing was enough for me. I mean, I, you know, everybody else had something better, whether it was my family or my school or my clothes.

I was just, I was never satisfied. Never. And I would heard that, hear those words many times grown up before I picked up a drink, you know, that's how I was just, you know, full of self. I would, I felt so sorry for myself. I remember I would walk through the house and my mother would say there goes agony in the garden and I kind of like flowed with that, you know, it just sounded, oh, that's nice. I had no idea what it meant, you know,

And I'm And that's how I agree. And that was before I picked up a drink.

I grew, I went to a Catholic school 12 years, a Catholic upbringing. And

you know, the first eight years of school I was a pretty good kid, you know, because I was too busy in my head and thinking about me. And I got decent grades and I went on to the Catholic High School and I went to an all girls Catholic High School on the West side. And

I I just seem to come out of my shell and I still haven't taken a drink, right. And,

you know, to get attention was I like getting attention. And it was easier to get attention by being the class clown or the troublemaker, you know, to let the boys in the window and an all girls school and, you know, do stuff like that to really get Sister Mary holy water mad. And, you know, I, I made it through that school somehow. I don't know how, you know, by the skin of my teeth and by God's grace, I think.

But during high school, I did pick up my first drink, you know,

I remember we picked up to 6 packs of Colt 45 and I drank 3 cans and my girlfriend drank 3 cans and we threw the other six out. And when I say that, that just still amazes me and, and that would never happen again. But I guess three was enough for me and I liked it immediately. You know, I, I told you, I grew up in this, I was like in this state of panic and, you know, always worried and always scared and, and I took that beer. I took that sip of beer and I could

just be, wow, you know, that was great. I could just be, you know, it's easier just to hang out and go to the carnival and talk to the boys. And it just was really, really good, you know, And

I didn't get sick. I didn't black out and I didn't pass out and I didn't get caught on. No consequences. And,

you know, that would sure change over the years. And, you know, I was talking here that this is a fatal progressive disease. And I wasn't off and running then. But, you know, from that first drink when I was 15 years old till I came here, too, when I was 43, you know, things really got worse. And the illness definitely progressed in my life

after I took that first drink. You know, I mean, whenever I drank, I drank to get drunk.

I, I told you I was selfish and self-centered and, you know, I always wanted what other people had and what I had wasn't good enough. And, you know, I grew up in the 60s and this just, you know, tells you what kind of kid I was. I grew up in the 60s and the girls in my high school were getting pre engaged and there was nobody banging down my door. And so, you know, I wanted to be pre engaged, bottom line, you know, and so I went and searched for that boyfriend.

And I'll tell you, you know, I mean, you live down the South side and I live down W 58th and I was down in front of his house, in front of his school. I didn't leave him alone until he became mine. You know, he wanted what I had. He want I wanted what he had and I was willing to go to any lengths to get it. And you know, and he did become mine and I stole his money.

I was a thief right off the bat. I stole his money and I bought myself a pre engagement ring and we had absolutely crazy relationship,

you know, because you know, if you're not doing what I want you to do or saying what I want you to say, I get violent. You know, I got violent before I start drinking and you just add the alcohol and I'm I'm crazy. And so we had this absolutely crazy relationship. A couple years of knock down, drag out battles and

you know, two years it went after the relationship started. We ended up getting married and real quick, because the marriage was real quick. It lasted about four months

and out of that marriage I have a wonderful 37 year old son that Alcoholics Anonymous gave back to me. Thank you so much.

And, you know, the marriage didn't last long because I had discovered the bars and you know, that was it. You know, then I was off and running and now I have a beautiful little boy at home. And my parents were so kind to me that they let me live in the upstairs of their double house and I had a built in babysitter and you know, I started running and I love the bars. I loved everything about it, you know,

the music, the men, the smell, everything. The,

I like the bars in bad neighborhoods. I like the guns, I like the knives, I like the fights, I like the action, you know, and, and I got a beautiful little boy at home. And, you know, I remember my mother saying to me so many times, you know, you have a, a beautiful son here. You have a responsibility. And, you know, I was young, I was 21 years old and I thought, you know what? I, I have a lot of time to be a mom, you know, but right now that you know, this is what I do, you know, I go out and you know, I'm enjoying my life.

And I'll tell you, you know, that little boy with his long curly blonde hair and that yellow one piece pajama shuffling along along the kitchen floor, those little feet, you know, in the blink of an eye, he graduated from Saint Edge. And I can tell you that I wasn't there. And and,

you know, I might have been there, but whenever I was there at a school, at a game, you know, I was either drinking or hungover or thinking about drinking. And and that's how I live my life. You know, when he was seven years old, I met my second victim. I like to call him victims because they never knew what was coming. And I met my second victim and he was a nice guy. And by this time, you know, it was seven years that I was single and I was going to the bars and, you know, I'm

something's not right. I'm not finding whatever I'm looking for out there. I'm not finding it,

you know, and I meet this nice guy and I think this is it. And because I normally don't like nice guys. I like guys that, you know, have a couple prison numbers behind them and, you know, like to come over with a couple cases of beer and drink and fight and. And he liked to, you know, Take Me Out to the movies or to dinner and, you know,

but, you know, I thought maybe this is it. Maybe this is the solution here. And, and we started dating and,

you know, we fell in love and I fell in love as much as I can fall in love with anybody at the time.

And I don't know that I'm powerless over alcohol. And I don't know that I'm going to become restless, irritable and discontent without a drink. And, and I'm going to try to make this marriage work. We ended up getting married and he told me two things when we got married. I don't want my wife in a bar and I don't believe in divorce and

and what I heard was you can do anything you want and I'll never leave. And it wasn't long after that,

you know,

it wasn't long after that that, umm, but I got to tell you that I did try, you know, I don't know that I'm an alcoholic. I don't know, I have this illness and I'm trying to be a wife and a mother and, and I want that more than anything, you know, I, I want it, I want to have a family. I want to be like the lady next door. I really want to do this, you know, and I had everything, you know, and from the outside it looked great. You know, my, I have lost my mom when I was 23, but my dad

was so happy when I married Michael. He thought, oh, thank God, you know, and it was wonderful. But you know, something was missing. I, I didn't know what it was. You know, something's missing in my life. And I, my husband is great. He comes home, he does everything around the house. He brings it. He doesn't drink. He's a good man. He's a good father. He's a he is a good husband

and, and I don't know, I'm powerless over alcohol. And you know, when alcohol

'cause I'm going to answer and I get a phone call one day for my cousin and she said Brenda's mud wrestling at a bar on Clark Ave.

Clark Ave. Love Clark Ave. you know, lots of flights on Clark Ave. And I got to be there and you know, you know, it's powerless over alcohol. I don't care. I got to be there, you know. So we had a discussion. He said, well, you know, after a pretty big discussion, he said, fine, go and be home at a decent hour. And his decent hour was 11 or 12.

And I was fine with that. And honest to God, with everything I had in me, like so many times before, when I left the house that night, I was going to be home at a decent hour, you know, have a couple of drinks, watch Brenda Mudd wrestle, hang out with my cousin and be home at 11.

I really thought that that's what I was going to do. And I don't know, I'm powerless over alcohol. I don't know that when I take 1 drink, I'm going to take another drink and I'm going to take another drink and I'm going to black out and I don't know what I'm going to do. And, and, and so I went to the bar that night and that's exactly what happened. 1 drink, 2 drink, 33 drinks. I'm in and out of a blackout. I get home at 5:00 in the morning and I have mud from head to toe and

I don't know what I did,

you know, I don't know what I did. But what I, what my friends told me is that I didn't behave like a married woman with a couple kids at home.

And,

and that was it, you know, and I was off and running and now, you know, I've got more people in my life that love me. So I'm hurting more people because, you know, if you love me, I hurt you. And the more you love me, the more I hurt you. And so I took this family on a ride. Boy, you know, for many years. I had another daughter a couple years later. I didn't stay sober when I was pregnant with her. And by the grace of God, she's a healthy 23 year old

lady today. And I drank every chance I got, every chance I got. And you know, I could tell you that I love my kids. I loved him so much, you know, but alcohol was my first love. And and that was it. You know, anytime alcohol called, I answered. And, you know, I start going on, you know, going out one night, two nights, three nights. And, you know, and I would leave the house and, you know, and I say that that's God now, you know, that little

voice inside that's saying to me, you know, you really shouldn't go. You know, you really should be home with your family, you know? And I'd go anyway, you know, and I'd be sitting at the bar and I, that little voice would say, you know, you really should go home. I'll give me another drink. Give me another drink. I don't care. You know, I didn't care.

And so, you know, that's how it was. I, you know, like I said, it took this family on a ride and, you know, I look back at it and, you know, I can remember them wrestling round upstairs and having so much fun and laughing, you know, and I'd want to be so much a part of that. And I would watch them like, you know, watching a movie, you know, when I couldn't be a part of that movie, you know, 'cause I'm powerless over alcohol. And if I'm not drinking, I'm thinking about drinking,

you know, where am I going to go? When am I going to go? Where's the party?

You know that's my life. I'm powerless over alcohol in a beautiful family.

You know, I'm coming home and whether I'm drunk or sober, I'm causing a lot of chaos in the house now,

you know, loud fights wearing, you know, and my kids running out of the house away from me. You know, I remember Eileen especially, she's 27 today. And I, you know, my, my little Irish girl, freckles splashed on her face in that long hair and just running and crying, you know, Mommy, stop, you know, out the door she goes, you know, And then after I throw everything around and hit my husband and yell and scream and swear

and I'm OK. And I think everybody else should be OK,

you know, and, and they were disgusted with me.

But I don't know. I don't know that alcohol is my problem, you know, alcohol is my solution. So I'll just have a drink, you know,

my life's falling apart and I'll just drink. And I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. And I'm looking in all the self help books trying to figure out what's wrong with Cindy and and I can't find it. And, you know, I'm drinking while I'm looking and, you know, and I'm watching shows on TV about dysfunctional. Maybe that's it, you know, and now I'm blaming, you know, people

blaming my family and my husband. And, you know, I'm learning words, you know, he's emotionally unavailable.

And, you know, I'm an adult child of an alcoholic, and I'm learning all kinds of things in these books, but they're just not quite me, you know? And so I go on and just keep drinking. The last couple years of my drinking, you know, and I told, you know, that first can of Colt 45,

I could just be well, it wasn't like that anymore. You know, I was an angry, crazy, violent drunk.

And, you know, people really didn't want to be around me anymore. And I,

I didn't want to leave the party. I'd go to a bar and, you know, they'd say 2:30 and I think it can't be 2:30, You know, where's the night gone? My family is at home. You know, they're decorating the Christmas tree. I'll never forget it. They decorated the Christmas tree and I took it all down and redecorated. You know, I hurt my family

Bam really bad.

You know, I remember the lady next door wouldn't let her little girl come over and play in my house,

and she went to church and boy, I criticize her. You know, who does she think she is? She thinks she's too good. She won't let her daughter come over here and play,

and I can't imagine what she heard come out of that house.

You know, my children wouldn't bring anybody in my house, You know, no friends.

My son would never let me know who he was dating, where he was going.

There was just the end of that relationship with my son at the last couple years of my drinking,

my husband didn't know what to do with me. You know, he used to come and look for me and eventually that stopped. And I thought that you know what, he finally understand I'm just sociable and he's a homebody. And, you know, I found out later that he really didn't care anymore because you can only do so much to somebody, you know, and, and they just,

they give up.

So my last trunk was September 18, 1994 in

it was at a Cleveland Browns game and I had I used to sit in the well, I still sit in the dog pound. But you know, I mean, I would go to those games. I didn't know who was playing or you know, I don't. I didn't know it was just a party. It was in another way to get out of the house. You know, I used to go to chicken wing night and tackle night and your birthday and my birthday and whatever. And it was another way, you know, to just go and drink. You know, my life revolved around drinking.

And, and that day was like, no, you know, like any other game, you know, I'd leave the house at 9:30, you know, drink before I got there, drink on the way there. And at that time, you could sneak your booze in, you know, and I snuck my booze in and drank the whole game and in and out of a blackout at the game. And I don't know who won or who played or anything. And I remember not wanting to leave

and. And we finally left the game, my sister and I and,

and I went home and I first thing that came out of my mouth was a lie. I told my husband. Well, it wasn't a lie. It was a little bit of a lie. I had to go do a jewelry party. But really I wanted to get up to the bar and drink some more. And, and that's what I did. I went to the bar, I drank some more. I'm in and out of a blackout at the bar and I am supposed to go do this jewelry party because that was another way of getting out of the house was home demonstration parties. I go to the lady's house and like, set this stuff out and then

dare you to look at it too long and sweep it up and leave.

And, and so I want to do that. And I stopped at the bar and, and I, I remember my husband saying to me though, you know, OK, go ahead. And I thought, wow, he really does understand, you know, because he didn't even give me a hard time. And so I left and went to the bar and drank some more there and in and out of a black out there and went to the jewelry party. And I got to the door and the girl came by to open the door and said get out.

And I thought, how dare she? You know, I, I,

I think about that and I think, I can't imagine how I looked. I was in the same clothes from 9:30 that morning and, you know, and anyway, she tossed me out and I have no idea what time it was. And I drove about 1/4 mile down the street and I'm,

you know, when I, I pulled into my driveway and, you know, I can still see this as clear as day and, and thank God for that. You know, my whole family were what was out. And Megan and Eileen and my husband and my son and the little ones are crying and, you know, my sons yelling at my husband. Why do you let her do this? And you know, when I pulled up in that driveway, I'll tell you, I always had a lie ready. I, you know, a couple of them,

you know, if one didn't work, you know, I always had a lie ready. And, you know, I really believe in that prayer for the sick and suffering and alcoholic and, you know, because when I pulled in that driveway,

there wasn't a lie. I didn't have a lie, you know, And Al McAuley used to talk about that moment of clarity when God freezes the lie long enough for us to see the truth. And I love that because it's so explains to me what happened that night because in their car for that few minutes or what, whatever it was, you know,

I knew in here, I knew, you know, God touched my heart. I knew that it was over and I just knew that. And, and I really believe that that was a prayer being answered for this drunk. You know,

my little ones were crying and, you know, are you drunk? And I'm, you know, no, I have a flat tire. And, you know, I had three flat tires and no antenna or no mirror. And, you know, I need to remember that because that's what I do when I drink. I drink, I black out and I drive.

But, you know, for those few minutes or half hour, I don't know how long it was. You know, I, I, I really, I remember that. I thought that my life was over. You know, I don't know what I'm going to do. What am I going to do? I know it's over. I can't drink anymore. I'm in trouble everywhere. I'm in trouble at work for stealing. I'm in trouble at home. Nobody wants me around. My son won't talk to me.

Who am I going to hang around with?

Where am I going to go? I I don't know how to live my life without alcohol. I don't know how to do that.

And I thought my life was over, you know, and little did I know that my life was about to begin here with you. Thank you, Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you for the prayers for the sick and suffering. Thank you. I believe in that prayer, you know, And when it's your time, here I am, you know, here I am.

And that was the beginning of my journey, you know, my last drunk, September 18th, 1994. And you know, by God's grace, I, I haven't looked back, you know, I came here and I liked you guys. You know, I was in a lot of trouble at home and a lot of trouble at work. And my brothers came and got me that night. They had smiles on their faces and I couldn't understand why they were so happy, You know, because I'm in a lot of trouble here and

know what's going on in these rooms. So I just know I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble at work. My husband told me to get out. I didn't even get to go in the house and he told me to get out. And you know, he was hoping I'm one of those 28 day inpatient programs that my both my brothers were at, you know, and they were both my one brother is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. My other brother was a member of another 12 step program,

but they came and got me and they took me over to

St. John's West Shore. And and that's just my journey. That's where I went. You know, I was in there for one day and one of my brothers friends, in fact it was my brother sponsor Pete O'Toole was there. And when I come here, I think about Pete, you know, I think about Pete every day and, and I remember seeing him and you know, Pete with that smile on his face and you know, I had seen him at my brother's cookouts and he was always smiling and always like looking at me. And I didn't like him because he looked like he could see

through me and I wanted to get away from him and, you know, go for a walk around the block or something. And, you know, but there he was. And, and he just kept saying, you know, it's going to be OK, kid. You know, it's going to be OK Piece of cake, it's going to be OK. And I thought he was crazy too, you know, And I stayed there overnight and all I did was cry, cry, cry, cry, cry. And, and they let me go home the next day and I started outpatient treatments and, and I'll tell you, my husband was not happy to see me.

You know, we do a lot of damage at home. And, you know, when he came home from work that day

and saw me sitting on the porch, I thought he was going to die. He did not like that at all. And I was telling him, you know, I'm going to stay sober. I'm going to Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, he just grunted and I'm. But I started that outpatient treatment. And, you know, what I remember from that is I learned about the progression of the this disease and I met people who were just like me. And that was real comforting to me, you know, and I could see the progression in my life anytime that I wasn't drinking, I was restless, irritable. And

because I, I'm an alcoholic and I wasn't treating my disease. And then when I then I would drink, I would drink more than I ever drank. And by the end of my drink, and I was worse than I ever was. So I could see that in my life. And they told me, they told us a treatment to get a sponsor in a Home group. And, you know, I believe I was absolutely blessed with the gift of willingness because honestly, I didn't know what that word meant. Willingness. I don't know what that means. You know, willingness, powerless, all these words, I didn't know what they meant.

So I believe that that was another gift from God. You know, I, I follow directions. I got a sponsor. I went to, I started going to meetings and, and I liked you guys immediately. You know, you guys were smiling. I hadn't smiled in a long time,

you know. I heard,

you know, people tell their story from up here at the podium that were just like me, and they talked about how their life changed. So I got hope from coming to meetings, you know, that maybe that could happen for me, maybe. And I felt better immediately, you know, I felt better. I got up in the morning, you know, it opened my eyes and wow, I'm in my own room,

you know, and my husband and my children. I was so excited to be sober and

you know, I wanted to be what a mom right away and you know, a wife and you know, all these things I can do. And I, I think I was sober 2 weeks and I said to my husband, how do you like me so far?

And he looked at me like, Oh my, he just wanted to die.

You know, two weeks now, I think I'm doing great,

you know, and I'm and I'm not drinking and I'm happy here with you guys. And

I had this this sponsor, you know, I remember when I called her to ask her to be my sponsor. You know, we had hung out together when we were, you know, out there and drinking together. And she lived next door to me. And I hadn't seen her for seven years. And she answered the phone and she sounded like an Angel to me. She sounded like an Angel. And I wanted what she had, you know, I didn't know what it was, you know, I know today it's that it was peace and serenity she had in her life from coming here and

God of her understanding and making 12 steps apart of her life. And I wanted it yesterday, you know. And I remember her telling me, you know, if you had what I have, if you had that today, you would just throw it away cuz you wouldn't have, you wouldn't have done anything for it. You know, you need to do some things,

you know, So I started to go to meetings and she told me to start praying. You know, I went to his Catholic school for 12 years. You know, we went to school every every Friday with the Chapel camps on. And you know, I would crawl under the Pew and going in out of the confessional. And I didn't, I didn't learn anything there. I didn't really care, you know,

So I come here and I, I don't, I hadn't even thought about God. I, I can't say that I had a punishing God or I put God on the shelf. I just never even thought about God. And my sponsor told me to get on my knees and pray and ask God to keep me sober. And you know, that with that gift of willingness, that's what I did. You know,

God, please don't let me drink. And, you know, thank you, God at night. And, and that was the start of my relationship with my God that I have today. You know, it's absolutely beautiful,

but she got me started on the 12 steps and I'll tell you, you know, step one for me was absolute relief. You know, you know, all that stuff I read in the books, you know, all myself help books. Here it is. Here's the problem. Powerless over alcohol.

When I take a drink, I'm going to take another drink. I'm not going to stop. And it's the first drink. You know, I always thought, you know, it was the last bar, the last picture of Alabama Slammers because that's what I always drank at the end of the night. I shouldn't have drank those Slammers and always thought, you know, it was I, I never, I didn't know it was the first drink because so many times I had those intentions. I'm going out for a couple, really.

You know, I'm powerless, Powerless over alcohol. I have a disease. I have an illness.

So for me, thank God, you know, thank God for step one. You know, I, I find out what my problem is, you know, and that first, the first word we, you know, I, I, for me, I need Alcoholics Anonymous in my God in the, in, you know, the people in my life today more than I ever did, you know, thank you for being here.

You know, Step 2, you know, I'm powerless over alcohol and I need to find a power. And, you know, I'm, I don't know when step two came into my life,

I just know I kept praying, you know, I kept coming to meetings and I kept doing what I was told, you know, and I'm asking God to keep me sober, you know, and I'm feeling good and my life is changing. And that's not me, you know, that's not me.

So I came to believe, you know, and I don't know, one month, two months, three months, but I came to believe in a power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity one day at a time.

And for me, the insanity is believing a lie that I can take one drink today and it's going to be any different. You know, I'm an alcoholic. I'm always going to be an alcoholic.

You either are. You aren't. I am, you know, and I know that today

and step three, I turn my will in my life over to the care of God. You know, I'm really me of the bondage itself, you know, my, my, you know, the root of my disease, selfish and self-centered. Relieve me of the bondage of self so I may better do your will. You know I love that prayer. You know, I love Sandy Beach talks about that prayer, you know, relieve me of the bondage yourself so I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them,

they may bear witness to those I would help of thy love, thy power and thy way of of life.

He says it's not to make me happy. It says so I can go out and help God's kids. You know, and I was taught those three steps were going to be my foundation, you know, to go on with the the rest of these steps. You know, those first three steps, I work those every morning, every morning on my knees. And when I came to you, I worked those first three steps and then I went on to four through 12. And thank God for the four step. I always say this, I think that each step has a gift.

Each step makes me feel a little bit better inside. You know, I believe we're sick from the inside out. You know, when I was telling my husband, how do you like me so far? You know, that's OK. But I wanted to get better in here. I wanted that peace and serenity that you guys had.

So I told you I came here a victim. And anybody who would listen, and I'm sure the women that I knew when I first came in here will tell you that I was a victim. You know that it was everybody else's fault.

And you know, this is how my dad was and you know, and this is how my mother was my boss and my husbands. And this, you know, I, I had a whole list for you, you know, and in that fourth step, you know, I, I mean, you teach me to take responsibility for myself. You teach me to find my part. You know what, what about me? What kind of daughter was I? You know, what kind of worker am I? Did I ever give 100%,

you know, or was I always cheating? You know,

so I write down that list of resentments, fears and my sex conduct and, and I do that fifth step with my sponsor. And, and I think that that fifth step just, you know, another gift, you know, I,

for me, you know, it talks about those fifth step promises in the big book. And you know, those came true for me. You know, I, I, for me, it was a good experience. I, I did my fifth step with my sponsor. And it was like all that, you know, she told me you never have to be that person again. And that was such a relief to me. You know, that stuff is gone. You know you make a nice house for God now you know you get rid of all that garbage

and you never have to live like that again. Wow.

Thank you.

You know, I felt that nearness to my creator after that step, you know, I felt like I have another chance and I take that hour out and then I go to six and seven, those two little paragraphs in the big book. And thank God, you know, I love the 12:00 and 12:00 because it goes so much more into step six and seven, you know, lifetime steps, You know all about change. You know, I need to work on change all the time. You know I need to show up and be the best person I can be today.

Be honest on selfish, pure, and loving. You know, thank God we get directions because I don't know any of those words until I come to you.

You know, you teach me that. You teach me by your actions. You teach me how to change.

I like in step six in the 12 and 12. It says step 6 is a a way of stating an attitude one must have in order to make a beginning on this life time job. Thank God, thank God. There's always room for change,

you know, and about humility, you know? Step 7,

you know, think less of myself, think less about myself, think more about you. I couldn't do that. He'd be taught to do that. I still have to put that into my head to think about you, God first, you second, me last, you know, And when I do that, I have a great day. I have a great day,

steps 8-9. You know, I'm making a list and forgiving people

that perhaps hurt me more than I hurt them and then going out to make those amends. And this, this step for me was about healing relationships. And

I'll tell you,

you know, the things that I didn't want to do here, the things that I thought, you know, I would do them, but I didn't want to do them. And how can I do that? And, you know, gave me the most rewards in here, the blessings in here, not out here, the blessings in here, and a couple gifts from that.

Step 9, you know, making amends. And I was taught, you know, face to face amends, you know, one-on-one, eyeball to eyeball, not in a letter, not in a phone call, face to face, eyeball to eyeball. And,

you know, I told you about that job I had that I stole a lot of money from my boss. And my sponsor said you need to go back there and tell him, you know, you need to go back there and make amends and make a plan to pay him back. And you know, if you would have told me that, I would have went there and and you know,

this man said thank you. You know, I went back there. I started paying him back every week, you know, stuck something in the in the mail and it started working for him on Saturdays. And a couple years into those amends, he lost his office manager and he asked me to come back and work for him as his office manager. And this is the miracle of that step for me is

I work for him today and I'm in charge of all the money.

And I to me that, you know, I'm a thief. I'm on the bank account, you know, I, I'm a thief. Thank you alcohol. He loves you guys. He really does. He loves Alcoholics Anonymous. And but what a miracle, you know, I sign his paychecks. That's a miracle, you know, thank you, Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, thank you for telling me to do what I didn't want to do. Thank you for caring that I Live Today.

You know, thank you.

I swear, you know, my sponsors have always wanted more for me than I ever even knew was possible.

I made amends to my family and you know, my little girls were, they were fine. My son, you know, it took time. You know, he seen me out there. He seen me in and out of bars. He saw things I was doing. And, you know, of course I wanted that relationship right away, but it took time, you know, things I must earn, you know, and today we have a wonderful, wonderful relationship.

And my now ex-husband found my 4th step when I was about a year sober. And, you know, I, I wasn't hanging on to that. I knew that I was supposed to throw it away. I don't, I know you're supposed to burn it. I don't know why I did that. You know, it was just in a notebook and I was writing letters to God and part of the notebook in my four step was in the other part. And I'll tell you to hurt somebody in sobriety,