Step 4 at the Stateline Retreat in Primm, NV
Good
morning.
My
name
is
Ronald
White
and
I'm
an
alcoholic.
I
want
to
first
of
all
thank
this
group
for
allowing
me
and
my
brother
the
privilege,
the
honor
of
being
able
to
share
the
message
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
with
you.
It's
always
an
honor
to
come
anywhere,
to
be
asked
to
come
anywhere,
to
share
about
the
program
that
has
literally
saved
my
life.
Above
all,
I
want
to
thank
God
for
allowing
me
to
be
here.
And
I
am
really
glad
that
Alcoholics
Anonymous
isn't
about
a
program
of
can
you
top
this?
You
know,
because
I
can
truly
be
awed
by
the
the
presentation
of
those
who
come
before
me.
And
then
my
brother's
going
to
come
after
me.
And
the
many
of
you
have
heard
him
speak,
know
how
gifted
a
speaker
he
is.
And
sometimes
in
my
head,
I
can
wonder
if
I
can
measure
up,
and
I
can
sometimes
wonder
if
I'm
good
enough.
And
that's
what
this
Step
4
is
all
about,
really.
Because
Step
4
is
talking
about
examining
the
things
in
me
which
have
been
blocking
me.
And
my
sobriety
date
is
July
the
14th
of
1986.
It's
very
difficult
for
me,
the
book
that
I'm
holding
in
front
of
me.
I
looked
in
it,
as
I
was
about
to
say
before
and
my
brother
and
I
had
the
opportunity
to
start
a
a
big
book
workshop.
And,
and
it's
amazing
to
me
to
know
how
God
works
in
my
life
because
I
remember
how
I
was
sitting
out
in
an
audience
listening
to
some
people
share
this
book
with
me
and
making
it
come
alive
for
me.
And
so
I
need
to
let
you
know
that
it's
almost
impossible
to
me
for
me
to
talk
about
Step
4,
the
personal
inventory,
without
me
referring
to
steps
1-2
and
three,
because
they
all
go
along
with
one
another
where
I
cannot
look
at
any
anyone
of
them
actually
individually,
because
they
all,
in
my
mind
at
least,
have
worked
together.
And
until
I
was
firmly
grounded
in
step
one,
until
I
really
realized
the
hopelessness
of
my
condition,
I
had
the
ISM
of
alcoholism.
I
understand
that.
I
had
the
thinking,
the
feelings
I've
associated
with
that.
I
became
a
prisoner
of
my
thinking.
I
was,
I
know
it.
Looking
at
me
today,
you
might
wonder
how
could
you
ever
feel
less
than?
As
I
grew
up,
I
felt
so
ugly,
so
small,
so
short,
so
dark.
So,
you
know,
I
could
name
these
things
about
myself
that
I
felt
about
myself.
The
things
inside
of
me
that
blocked
me,
that
I
never
thought
that
I
would
be
able
to
feel
comfortable
in
my
skin.
But
I
couldn't
drink
because
I
don't
want
to
be
like
my
dad.
And
so
I
found
other
things
to
escape
with.
I
found
books,
I
found
television.
I
found
all
these
other
things
that
helped
me
get
out
of
myself,
that
helped
me
become
somebody
else.
I
became
the
characters
in
these
books
I
read.
I
became
these
other
people
that
I
saw
on
television.
One
of
one
of
my
early
idols
was
Perry
Mason,
you
know,
because
I
love
that,
the
way
he
looked
and
acted
on.
And
that
made
me
want
to
be
what
I've
become
as
my
profession
today,
a
lawyer,
because
of
the
escape
that
I
got
from
that.
But
I
need
to
let
you
know
that
somewhere
in
there,
that
wasn't
enough.
So
I
started
drinking.
And
when
I
started
drinking,
I
was
no
longer
having
to
live
in
a
novel
or
in
television.
I
was
able
to
live
out
here
in
alcohol.
Free
me.
Alcohol
gave
me
a
sense
of
freedom
that
as
indescribable
to
anybody
who
might
not
be
an
alcoholic.
I'm
sure
those
of
you
who
sit
in
this
room
know
of
what
it
felt
like
in
the
early
days
of
drinking
when
it
was
working,
when
it
made
me
feel
taller
and
witty
and
all
of
those
things
that
I
always
wanted
to
be
able
to
feel
comfortable
in
my
skin.
But
alcohol
also
that
like
in
bill
sore
it,
it
has
the
the
effect
of
the
boomerang
because
I'm
I'm
not
able
to
just
stop
when
it
was
feeling
comfortable
because
my
disease
is
progressive.
And
after
a
while
it
ceased
being
a
luxury
and
it
became
a
necessity
because
I
did
I
didn't
just
want
to
feel
good
on
the
weekends.
I
need
to
feel
good
on
Monday
and
Tuesday.
It's
daily
drinking
starts
to
do
some
things
to
you
and
my
character
started
to
change.
I
just
need
to
let
you
know
I'm
qualifying
myself
as
an
alcoholic
because
you
need
to
know
that
if
I
had
not
done
that,
if
I
had
not
been
able
to
look
back
over
the
evidence
of
my
life
and
see
where
alcohol
had
taken
me,
I
would
not
have
been
ground
enough
in
step
one
to
know
that
I
needed
Step
2.
Because
Step
2,
the
step
one,
is
the
problem
and
Step
2
is
the
solution.
I
understand
that.
And
I
understand
that
in
order
for
me
to
get
from
the
problem
to
the
solution,
I
need
to
do
Step
3,
the
step
Peggy
was
talking
about
this
morning.
Because
step
three
is
the
bridge
from
step
one
to
Step
2.
Making
that
decision
to
turn
my
will
in
my
life,
my
thoughts,
and
my
actions
over
to
the
care
of
this
power.
But
I'm
here
to
tell
you
that
even
while
I
was
looking
at
those
pages
that
talked
about
this
is
self
centeredness
that
we
think
is
the
root
of
our
troubles,
I
still
didn't
know
the
depths
of
what
I
was
getting
into.
I
didn't
understand
just
the
nature
of
my
illness
really
until
I
got
to
Step
4.
The
book
says
this
after
we
did
step
three
on
page
63
of
the
book
62
it
says
next,
next.
We
launched
out
on
a
course
of
vigorous
action,
the
first
step
of
which
is
a
personal
house
cleaning
which
many
of
us
had
never
attempted
though
our
decision.
Step
three.
Though
our
decision
was
a
vital
and
crucial
step,
it
could
have
little
permanent
effect
unless
at
once
followed
by
a
strenuous
effort
to
face
and
to
be
rid
of
the
things
in
ourselves
which
have
been
blocking
us.
Our
liquor
was
but
a
symptom.
We
had
to
get
down
to
causes
and
conditions.
And
I
understand
that
once
I
finish
doing
that,
I
got
off
my
knees
from
doing
that
third
step.
And
I
remember
we
did
it
as
a
group
and
we
held
hands
and
I
felt
that
sense
of
power
and
all
that
other
kind
of
stuff,
right?
And
it
said
my
face
kind
of
fell
when
I
read
the
next
paragraph,
what
it
says.
This
decision
could
have
little
permanent
effect
unless
at
once
followed
by
strenuous
effort
to
face
and
be
rid
of
the
things.
Not
the
things
in
you
that
have
been
blocking
me,
but
the
things
and
ourselves
which
have
been
blocking
us.
And
that
puzzled
me
because
I
had
never
thought
that
there
had
been
anything
necessarily
in
me.
I
thought
it
was
my
daddy.
I
thought
it
was
all
those
people
who
used
to
call
me
Poindexter
and
Mr.
Peabody.
I
thought
it
was
those
guys
who
used
to
call
me
Hook
Head
and
my
father
who
called
me
Headquarters.
Real
things
that
I
felt
that
I
didn't
even
really
realize
until
I
took
a
personal
inventory.
This
was
Step
4.
A
business
which
takes
no
regular
inventory
usually
goes
broke.
In
the
book
it
says
that
we
did
exact.
Just
like
you
do
with
a
business
inventory
where
you
go
through
the
store
and
you
go
on
the
shelves
and
you
look
to
see
what
kind
of
stuff
is
not
selling,
so
you
got
to
get
rid
of
it.
Or
you
see
what
kind
of
stuff
has
gone
bad
and
you
get
rid
of
it.
That's
what
I
have
to
do
with
my
life,
with
my
thinking,
because
there
has
been
evidence
of
things
in
my
behavior
and
the
way
that
I
think
and
the
way
that
I
act.
That
is
always
been
broke
and
I
didn't
know
that
there's
something,
there's
something
about
my
thinking
about
my
behavior
that
I
need
to
examine,
that
I
need
to
see.
And
it
goes
much
deeper
than
that.
I'm
talking
about.
Those
are
small
petty
things.
But
believe
you,
there
are
things
in
me
that
block
me
from
the
power.
Because
when
when
the
book
talks
about
searching
out
the
flaws
in
my
makeup
that
have
caused
my
failure,
that's
what
it
talks
about
in
the
book.
It
says
resentment
is
the
number
one
offender.
It
destroys
more
Alcoholics
than
anything
else.
You
would
imagine
that
if
I
would
open
up
a
book
called
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
a
book
that
I
know
has
been
dedicated
to
saving
the
lives
of
Alcoholics.
And
I
look
in
the
book
and
they
have
one
line
in
there
that
says
resentment
destroys
more
Alcoholics
than
anything
else.
You
would
imagine
that
I
would
spend
the
majority
of
my
time
trying
to
root
out
these
resentments
because
you
would
imagine
that
it
says
from
it
stem
all
forms
of
spiritual
disease.
For
we
have
been
not
only
mentally
and
physically
I'll,
we
have
been
spiritually
sick.
When
the
spiritual
malady
is
overcome,
we
straighten
out
mentally
and
physically.
Step
4.
Resentment
inventory
isn't
the
only
inventory
I
need
to.
There
are
three
inventories
in
Step
4.
There's
a
resentment
inventory,
there's
a
fear
inventory,
and
there's
a
sex
inventory.
Resentment
inventory
is
the
main
one
because
it's
like
peeling
back
the
onion
skin.
Because
once
I
peel
back
those
resentments,
underlying
those
resentments
oftentimes
is
fear,
because
I
am
driven
by
fear.
And
I
don't
see
that
before
I
write
about
the
resentments.
So
I
need
to
write
about
resentments
in
the
resentment
inventory.
It's
the
first
time
in
the
big
book
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
that
writing
is
required.
It's
the
first
time
in
the
book
that
it
talks
about
setting
something
on
paper.
And
Step
4
is
the
first
step
where
we
start
doing
the
writing.
It
says
that
we
listed
people,
institutions
or
principles
with
whom
we
were
angry
and
we
ask
ourselves
why
we
were
angry.
Column
one
and
there
has,
you
know,
they
have
that
famous
little
chart
on
in
the
book
or
we
talked
about
I'm
resentful
at
Mr.
Brown.
Mr.
Brown
was
a
mess.
His
attention
to
my
wife
told
my
wife
of
my
mistress
Brown
may
forget
my
job
at
the
office.
You
see,
what
happens
for
me
is
this.
First
of
all,
I
need
to
know
what
a
resentment
is.
A
resentment
is
a
refilling
of
a
perceived
ill.
I'll
feeling
wrongdoing,
something
that
I
think
or
feel
that
you
have
done
to
me
to
wrong
me.
And
I
like
the
way
that
the
book
says
a
perceived
wrong
or
harm
that
somebody
did.
Did
I
understand
that
it's
the
way
that
I
perceive
things
that
screwed
up
the
way
that
I
look
at
life,
the
way
that
I've
always
thought
things
were.
So
you
don't
even
have
to
hurt
me
for
me
to
have
a
resentment.
If
I
perceive
that
you
have
harmed
me,
you
can
walk
in
the
room.
And
if
I'm
here
to
tell
you
that
I'm
looking
around
and
if
anybody
gets
up
to
use
the
bathroom
while
I'm
up
here
speaking,
I
got
a
resentment
look
at
this
walking
out
the
room
while
because
I'm
thinking
everybody
looking
at
you
walking
out
and
they're
perceiving
that
you
must
think
that
I'm
dull.
And
therefore
it's
going
to,
oh,
I'm
the
only
one
that
thinks
like
that.
Oh,
OK,
all
right.
OK.
It's
what
makes
me
be
afraid
to
get
up
and
go
to
the
bathroom
because
I
think
you
gonna
think
that
I'm
thinking
right?
And
I
know
laughter
is
identification
because
y'all
you,
but
I'm
here
to
tell
you
that
that
is
that
is
the
way
that
I
think.
So
resentment
is
a
perceived
ill
feeling
of
perceived
wrong
that
I
think
that
you
did
to
me.
And
I
replay
it
in
my
head
and
I
hold
on
to
it.
And
it
says
from
it
stems
all
forms
of
spiritual
disease.
Because
you
see,
not
only
does
it
stay
with
you,
but
it
gets
attached
to
other
people.
Because
now
if
I'm
mad
at
Michael
down
here,
if
somebody's
friends
with
Michael,
I'm
mad
at
them.
And
then
if
they
have
somebody
else
that's
attached
to
them,
they,
if
I
perceive
that
you
do
something
wrong
to
Ralph,
that
you
harm
him,
he's
my
brother,
so
you've
done
something
wrong
to
me.
And
then
so
it
it
spreads
to
every
area
and
every
nook
and
cranny
of
my
life,
and
it
imprisons
me
and
it
makes
me
not
be
able
to
feel
the
presence
of
God.
It
blocks
me
from
the
sunlight
of
the
Spirit.
And
if
you
be
alcoholic
like
me,
there
may
come
a
time
when
there's
no
mental
defense,
and
that
defense
must
come
from
a
power
greater
than
me.
And
if
I'm
blocked
from
the
power,
I'm
drunk.
So
I
start
writing
this
inventory
and
I
start
writing
these
things
as
I'm
new
and
I
I
start
beginning
to
share.
A
lot
of
people
have
heard
my
story.
Some
of
you
have
not
heard
my
story.
I
grew
up
poor.
I
grew
up
whatever.
But
I
ended
up
being
somewhat
successful
because
I
didn't
drink
early
on
in
those
books
that
I
read
and
all
those
things
that
I
did
help
me
be
a
successful
student.
I
start
drinking
the
summer
before
I
started
college
because
I
no
longer
wanted
to
just
be
this
straight
A
student.
I
wanted
to.
I
saw
this
guy
and
this
girl
underneath
this
blanket
at
a
beach
party
and
I
wanted
to
get
underneath
a
blanket
because
the
blanket
was
moving
and
and
I
could
hear
that
girls,
I'm
sorry.
I
got,
I
got,
I
got
lost
for
a
second
there
and
somebody
was
passing
around
something,
some,
either
some
Tyrolia
or
some
Spinata,
right
High
class
stuff.
And
so
I
drank
and
like
I
told
you,
alcohol
freed
me.
And
so
I
went
on
this
path
with
this
magic
potion
and
I
came
through
college
and
even
though
alcohol
started
doing
some
things
to
me,
I
could
not
even
imagine
that
it
was
the
problem.
Because
remember,
that's
the
thing
that
freed
me.
And
so
I
became
a
justifier
of
my
drinking.
Even
when
it,
my
grades
started
slipping
and
my
character
started
changing
and
my
spirit
became
real,
I'll
I
still
wanted
to
be
the
person
who
could
still
fit
in.
And
so
I
still
just,
you
know,
I
used
to
say
stuff
like,
well,
nobody
want
to
be
a
bookworm
anyway.
I
want
to
be
a
student
of
life
had
all
the
you
know
the
catch
phrase
is
down
to
justify
my
behavior
and
my
drinking.
And
I
got
accepted
to
go
to
law
school
pursuing
Perry
Mason.
And
I
went
to
law
school
at
a
place
called
Hastings
College
of
the
law
Place
located
in
San
Francisco.
And
I
got
out
of
law
school
in
2
1/2
years.
I
went
to
summer
school
after
first
year
and
2nd
year
and
I
graduated
from
law
school
early
at
age
23.
And
being
the
quick
alcoholic
that
I
am,
even
though
my
disease
was
still
progressing,
I
took
the
bar
exam
and
I
passed
it
the
first
time.
And
at
age
24,
I
became
one
of
the
youngest
black
attorneys
licensed
to
practice
law
in
the
state
of
California.
And
I
knew
I
had
I
had
arrived.
And
I
knew
by
the
time
I
was
30,
I
was
going
to
be
a
millionaire.
And
by
the
time
I
was
30,
I
was
sleeping
back
at
home
with
my
mother
sleeping
on
her
floor
because
I'm
an
alcoholic.
The
only
job
I
had
was
carrying
out
the
trash
and
water
in
the
lawn
for
a
21
year
old
dope
dealer
who
lived
across
the
street
from
my
mother.
Because
I'm
an
alcoholic
and
so
I
need
to
discover
the
things
in
me
which
have
been
blocking
me.
Because
alcohol
doesn't
care
if
you're
black
or
if
you're
white.
It
doesn't
care
if
you're
a
man
or
if
you're
a
woman.
Alcohol
is
an
equal
opportunity
ass
kicker
because
something
happens
to
me
when
I
drink.
And
the
unfortunate
thing
is,
even
though
I
know
those
things
are
going
to
happen,
like
Steve
shared
last
night,
one
of
the
components
of
being
an
alcoholic
is
I'm
unable
to
stop
from
having
the
first
one.
There
is
an
obsession,
a
thought
that
overrules
all
other
rational
thoughts,
that
tells
me,
whispers
to
me,
that
this
time
it'll
be
different,
and
unless
I
can
discover
what's
inside
of
me,
that
makes
me
unable
to
stop
from
hearing
that
voice.
What
is
it
that
I
need?
A
power
that
will
stand
in
between
me
and
that
voice
when
it
comes?
So
I
write
the
inventory
because
I
understand
that
this
is
a
life
or
death
errand
that
I'm
undertaking.
I'm
going
to
read
something
to
you
that
I
wrote.
This
is
a
resentment
I
had
against
my
son
because
I
want
you
to
understand
exactly
something
about
my
thinking.
And
I
wrote
that
I
had
a
resentment
against
my
son.
This
is
Ronnie.
Ronnie
was
somebody
who
was
born
my
son
was
born
in
1991
after
I've
been
sober
for
five
years,
little
bit
on
just
before
my
5th
birthday
in
February
of
1991.
And
I,
I,
I
thought
maybe
my
stuff
was
broke
and
stuff,
you
know,
when
I
got
here
because
I
drank
so
much.
And
so
I
was
just
so
overjoyed
to
have
a
child,
and
I
was
so
proud
of
that.
I
have
a
stepdaughter.
I'll
choose
my
daughter.
You
know,
me
and
her
mother
have
been
together
since
she
was
sick,
except
Ronnie
was
the
first
one
that
was
born
of
me.
And
so
I'm
so
proud
of
him
and
he
growing
up,
and
I'm
expecting
him
to
be
this
success.
You
know
how
we
put
all
our
hopes
and
our
dreams
and
our
children
and
we
do
all
this.
And
I'm
here
to
tell
you
that
if
you
look
at
my
resentment
list,
my
resentment
list
usually
consists
of
the
people
I
love.
The
people
I
have
the
most
resentments
are
are
the
people
I
have
the
most
expectations
of,
the
people
that
I've
somehow
have
put
all
of
these
things
on.
I
had
a
resentment
against
my
son
Ronnie.
This
was
like
a
couple
of
years
ago.
I
wrote
this.
I
wrote
that
Ronnie's
grades
aren't
good
enough,
and
in
the
big
book,
The
way
they
have
it
outlined,
it
talks
about
that
once
I
say
what
that
person
did
to
me,
I
need
to
ask
myself,
third
column,
what
areas
of
myself
were
hurt,
threatened
or
interfered
with.
Because
there
is
usually
something
about
myself
going
back
to
Step
3,
something
about
myself
that
I
feel
that
you
have
harmed
in
some
way
that
makes
me
resent
you.
And
I
either
look
at
myself
esteem
whether
or
not
it
is
affected
her
threaten
or
affected
the
way
that
I
feel
about
myself.
Has
it
affected
her
threatener
or
interfere
with
my
pride
secondary
of
myself
it
has
it
hurt,
threaten
or
interfere
with
the
way
I
think
you
think
about
me?
Has
it
hurt,
threaten
or
interfere
with
my
pocketbook?
Has
it
hurt,
threaten
or
interfered
with
my
ambition
or
my
security
or
my
personal
relationships
or
my
sex
relationships?
7
areas
of
myself.
And
these
are
drawn
directly
from
the
big
book
when
we're
when
we're
looking
at
these
paragraphs
on
page
60.
Page
65
and
I
look
at
these
areas.
So
I
asked
myself,
with
Ronnie's
grades
not
being
good
enough,
did
it
hurt,
threaten
or
interfere
with
myself
esteem?
I
said
to
myself
if
I
were
a
better
parent,
his
grades
would
be
better,
there
must
be
something
wrong
with
me.
I
said
to
myself
that
my
pride
was
hurt,
threaten
or
interfere
with
because
the
teachers
and
the
other
students
must
think
I'm
a
bad
example
and
I'm
a
poor
parent,
otherwise
Ronnie's
grades
would
be
better.
It
hurt,
threaten
or
interfere
with
my
ambition
because
I
wanted
to
have
a
successful
child.
I
wanted
to
have
a
smart
kid.
It
hurt,
threaten
or
interfere
with
my
security
because
I
needed
to
feel
that
Ronnie
could
survive
out
in
the
world.
It
hurt,
threaten,
or
interfere
with
my
personal
relationships
with
him
because
I
could
not
be
affectionate
with
him
because
of
my
disappointment
with
him.
It
hurt,
threaten
or
interfere
with
my
sexual
relationship
because
I
there
would
be
discord
in
my
household
between
me
and
my
wife
over
how
Ronnie
should
be
disciplined
or,
or
what
was
the
problem
or
anything
with
that.
So
Ronnie's
grades
affected
my
relationship
with
my
wife.
It
hurt,
threatened
or
interfered
with
my
pocketbook
because
I
would
spend
money
on
tutors,
on
videos,
on
all
kind
of
tutorial
aids
with
Ronnie.
So
Ronnie's
grades
not
being
good
enough
affected
all
seven
areas
of
myself.
I
felt
hurt,
threatened
or
interfere
with
my
son
not
bringing
home
aids
from
school.
And
the
book
talks
about
and
this
goes
back
on
page
65,
it
says
we
went
back
through
our
lives.
Nothing
counted
but
thoroughness
and
honesty,
and
I
need
to
stop
there
and
emphasize
the
honesty
part
because
I
work
with
a
lot
of
people
and
even
with
myself.
I
understand
that
when
I
sit
down
and
write
these
things
about
the
way
that
I
think,
I
don't
feel
very
proud
of
myself
in
the
way
that
I
think
and
the
way
that
I
feel
about
either
my
loved
ones
or
others
around
me.
I
feel
real
chicken
about
a
lot
of
this
stuff
I
feel
very
petty
about
and
sometimes
I
don't
even
want
to
put
it
down
on
paper
because
of
the
way
it
makes
me
feel.
The
self
revealing
accounts
of
myself.
But
nothing
counts
but
thoroughness
and
honesty.
Because
that's
what
what
I've
been
doing
all
my
life.
I've
always
been
running
away
from
the
truth
about
myself
because
I'm
I'm
so
concerned
not
only
with
what
you
think
about
me,
but
what
I
think
about
myself.
And
so
I've
spent
all
this
time
lying
to
myself
about
who
I
am.
And
so
I
had
to
write
these
things
out
on
the
top
of
my
page.
Usually
when
I'm
writing
inventory,
I
usually
have
to
write
these
3
short
prayers
that
I
put
at
the
top
because
I'm
I'm
kind
of
scared
when
I
write
these
things
occasionally
and
I
write
down
God
please,
please
God
let
me
see
the
truth.
Please
God,
let
me
see
what
I
need
to
see,
and
please
God
let
me
see
the
things
that
are
blocking
me
from
you.
And
after
I
write
these
prayers,
then
I
start
writing.
I
just
keep
writing
and
I
write
whatever
comes
on
the
page
and
I
don't
try
to
edit
it
and
I
don't
try
to
change
it.
And
if
there's
anybody
in
here
who
was
afraid
about
spelling
or
whatever,
the
inventory
process
is
not
something
I'm
going
to
hand
over
to
somebody
to
read,
I'm
going
to
read
it
to
them.
So
it
doesn't
matter
about
spelling,
it
doesn't
matter
about
all
this
other
kind
of
stuff,
because
I
get
caught
up
in
the
mechanics.
And
I
wanted
to
look
perfect
and
I
wanted
to.
And
I've
had
many
people
I
sponsor
who
that
stops
them
from
writing
because
they
think
that
it
has
to
look
a
particular
just
put
it
down
on
the
paper.
It
says
that
when
we
were
finished,
we
considered
it
carefully.
The
first
thing
apparent
was
that
this
world
and
its
people
were
often
quite
wrong.
To
conclude
that
others
were
wrong
was
as
far
as
most
of
us
ever
got.
The
usual
outcome
is
that
people
continue
to
wrong
us
and
we
stayed
sore.
Sometimes
it
was
remorse
and
then
we
were
sore
at
ourselves,
but
the
more
we
fought
and
tried
to
have
our
own
way,
the
worst
matters.
God,
as
in
war,
the
victor
only
seemed
to
win.
Our
moments
of
triumph
were
short
lived
sometimes
when
we
read
that
part
of
the
book,
you
know,
we,
we
want.
Well,
what
do
they
mean?
As
in
war,
the
victor
only
seemed
to
win.
What
exactly
does
that
mean?
You
know,
and
I,
I've,
I've
had
the
opportunity
to
share
back
and
forth
with
people
and
there
been
some
people
who've
been
in
wars.
I've
never
had
the,
the
by
God's
grace,
I've
never
had
to
be
in
a
war
myself.
I've
never
had
to
level
a
gun
at
somebody
and
try
to
shoot
to
kill
somebody.
And
I've
never,
but
I've
had
men
share
with
me
that
feeling
and
about
carrying
that
feeling
back,
of
having
taken
someone's
life
even
in
what
was
a
just
cause
or
whatever.
And
there's
nothing
good
about
the
feeling
of
trying
to
take
out
anger
and
aggression
on
somebody,
even
when
you
get
your
way.
Supposedly
I
become
a
different
person
for
me
to
even
have
to
do
that.
And
it
takes
a
toll
on
me
in
life
for
me
to
have
to
fight
with
people.
And
so
I
needed
to
have
a
different
way
of
living,
he
said.
Is
it
is
plain
that
a
life
which
includes
deep
resentment
leads
only
to
futility
and
unhappiness?
To
the
precise
extent
extent
that
we
permit
these,
do
we
squander
the
hours
that
might
have
been
worthwhile?
But
what
the
alcoholic
whose
hope
and
maintenance
is
the
growth
of
a
spiritual
experience?
This
business
of
resentment
is
infinitely
grave.
We
found
that
it
is
fatal,
for
when
harboring
such
feelings,
we
shut
ourselves
off
from
the
sunlight
of
the
spirit,
The
insanity
of
alcohol
returns,
and
we
drink
again.
And
with
us,
to
drink
is
to
die.
When
I'm
feeling
those
feelings
about
my
son,
when
I'm
so
pissed
off
at
him
for
what
his
grades
are,
when
he
comes
home
and
he
says
daddy
and
I
don't
feel
affectionate
with
him.
When
I
feel
like
I
don't
want
to
hug
you.
Because
then
you'll
think
that
I
think
that
it's
all
right
for
you
to
bring
home
bees
or
CS
or
DS.
And
so
I
don't
love
my
son
because
of
my
expectations
of
him,
because
of
the
way
it
makes
me
feel
about
myself.
I
don't
feel
proud
of
that.
I
don't
like
that
about
myself,
but
it's
the
truth
of
the
way
that
I
think
and
the
way
that
I
feel.
So
I
had
to
go
to
the
4th
column.
I
had
to
ask
myself
where
had
I
been
selfish,
where
had
I
been
dishonest,
where
had
I
been
self
seeking
and
where
had
I
been
afraid?
I
was
selfish
because
I
had
no
regard
for
Ronnie's
feelings
or
his
capabilities.
I
was
only
concerned
with
how
his
grades
reflected
on
me
as
a
person
and
as
a
father.
I
was
dishonest
because
I
wasn't
concerned
with
what
he
learned,
only
with
what
his
grades
were.
I
was
dishonest
because
I
would
promise
to
help
him
and
I
wouldn't
take
the
time
to
go
over
his
work
with
him
or
to
check
his
work.
I
was
self
seeking
because
I
berated
him
when
he
didn't
meet
my
expectations.
I
was
self
seeking
because
I
withheld
my
love
from
him
as
a
punishment.
I
was
afraid
of
being
seen
as
a
weak
role
model.
I
was
afraid
that
people
would
know
that
I
didn't
know
how
to
be
a
good
parent.
I
was
afraid
that
his
teachers
would
disrespect
me.
I
was
afraid
that
people
would
discover
that
I'm
not
as
smart
as
I
portray.
I
was
afraid
that
he
wouldn't
succeed
in
life.
I
was
afraid
that
he
would
be
taken
advantage
of.
I
was
afraid
that
he
would
not
be
accepted
by
his
classmates,
and
so
I
had
to
look
at
the
dark
areas
of
my
thinking
and
see
exactly
why
I
felt
this
resentment
against
my
own
son.
Now,
it's
not
a
bad
thing
as
a
parent
to
want
my
child
to
have
good
grades.
In
fact,
that's
probably
a
commendable
thing.
But
having
a
resentment
against
him
is
a
whole
nother
thing.
Now.
Step
three
is
just
the
decision,
carrying
out
the
decision,
step
four,
and
Step
5
and
step
6
and
step
seven.
Step
three
could
have
little
permanent
effect
unless
at
once
followed
by
a
strenuous
effort
to
face
and
to
be
rid
of
the
things
in
me
which
had
been
blocking
me.
I've
just
read
to
you
one
of
the
things
that
have
been
blocking
me
and
there
are
a
litany
of
things
that
I've
written
about
my
wife,
about
my
son,
about
my
daughter,
about
my
brother.
I've
grown
up
with
this
dichotomy
of
both
loving
and
respecting
my
brother
Ralph
and
resenting
him
because
he
set
a
high
bar.
And
so
at
the
same
time
that
I,
I
say
that
I
love
and
I
respect,
at
the
same
time
I'm
resenting
and
I'm
think,
I
know
I'm
the
only
one
that
thinks
that
like
that,
right?
I'm
the
only
one
that
even
while
you're
proud
of
your
friends
success
or
your,
you
know,
somebody
else,
you
sometimes
somewhere
in
my
thinking,
there's
resentment.
There's
resentment
because
I
want
the
spotlight.
There's
resentment
because
I
want
the
I
want
the
accolades.
There's
a
that's
ego
because
for
some
reason
I
think
in
my
head
that
there's
not
enough
to
share
to
go
around
that
I
have
to
have
it
all.
Because
if
you
give
it
there,
you're
not
giving
it
here.
And
so
I
need
to
write
and
I
need
to
be
freed
of
that
because
as
long
as
I
feel
and
think
this
way,
believe
you,
I
don't
feel
very
spiritual
or
God
like
when
I'm
harboring
resentments
and
and
I'm
unable
to
see
the
truth
of
my
condition.
When
I'm
doing
that,
I
feel
better.
I,
I
think
I've
almost
talked
about
an
hour.
I
think
it's
about
time
for
my
brother
to
come
up.
It
is
playing
to
the
life
that
includes
deep
relentment,
leads
only
the
futility
and
unhappiness.
Is
that
playing
to
me?
You
know,
one
of
the
things
I
liked
about
the
big
book
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
it's
a
road
map.
And
that
is
deal
that
it
is
that
we
do.
This
is
a
design
for
living
that
really
works.
So
I'm
going
to
talk
about
just
like
Ronnie
just
got
through
doing.
I'm
going
to
talk
about
in
a
real
way
what
this
step
means
to
a
guy
like
me
in
that
our
4th
step.
Think
about
the
4th
step
is
what
I
like
about
this
power
is
your
work
with
my
defects
'cause
I'm
I'm
blocked.
When
I
go
into
the
4th
step,
I'm
still
fully
ego
full
of
fear.
And
if
you,
you
know,
for
me
to
do
that
fourth
step,
being
convinced
that
my
life
run
on
my
will
can
hardly
be
a
success.
If
your
life
run
on
your
will
is
successful,
don't
even
bother
with
a
four
step.
Just
watch
the
rest
of
us
sitting
here
and
audit
this
for
a
minute
and
go
on
about
your
merry
way.
But
if
you
were
train
wreck
waiting
to
happen
like
my
life
is,
you
might
want
to
take
pen
to
paper,
you
know,
but
that
so
I
don't
wrestle
with
people
when
they
talk
about,
Oh,
I
don't
want
if
my
life
run
on
my
will
could
hardly
be
a
success.
And
that's
what
I
stand
on
in
the
fourth
step,
standing
on
that
standing
on
that
idea
and
on
that
notion.
And
I
want
to
better
than
I
am.
I
want
to
be
different
than
I
am.
I
want
to
have
different
than
I
have.
I
want
to
stop
running
in
the
same
roadblocks
in
my
life.
I
want
to
stop
having
failed
relationships.
I
want
to
stop
having
failed
dreams
and
goals
and
hopes.
I
want
to
stop
beating
doing
the
same
thing,
you
know,
being
with
the
same
person
with
different
faces.
I
just
want
to
have
a
new
experience,
you
know,
I
want
to
do
something
different
with
my
life.
I
came
up
in
here
33
years
old
and
I
thought
life
was
over
for
a
guy
like
me.
I
had
some
successes
and
I
had
done
and
guys
like
me
don't
get
second
chances.
You
know,
I
blew
my,
you
know,
come
from
a
real
poor
environment.
Ronnie
already
shared
some
of
that.
We
had
a
father
who
raised
who
didn't
raise
has
six
sons.
You
know,
he
was
a
drunk.
He
got
put
out
when
I
was
eight
or
nine
years
old.
Had
a
mom
that
raised
these
six
boys
by
herself,
you
know,
for
a
time,
you
know,
we
were
her
pride
and
joy.
You
know,
they
wrote
articles
about
us.
We
were
the
first
three
kids
off
our
block
to
go
to
college.
Everybody
on
our
block
knew
us.
Seemed
like
it
wasn't
too
many
years
later
that
everybody
on
our
blog
knew
us
again
because
they
had
a
petition
to
my
mom
from
the
neighborhood
watch.
You
got
to
do
something
with
them.
You.
You
because
some
years
later,
degreed
and
back
and
grown,
all
six
of
us
ended
up
back
in
my
mother's
house
and
we
down
there
killed
her.
And
I
made
it
in
the
rooms.
Alcoholics
Anonymous
in
a
badly
mangled
condition.
I
was
in
a
bad
way.
An
idea
what
it
is
that
we
do
under
the
lash.
Alcoholism.
One
thing
I
brought
to
the
table
was
willingness,
and
I
did
that
first
step.
I
made
that
surrender,
you
know,
under
the
last
saw
that
it
was
no
hope
for
me.
I
couldn't
do
it
for
myself.
You
couldn't
do
it
for
me
and
made
promises
and
made
commitments
if
I
had
already
known
it
was
a
power
bigger
than
me.
Talking
about
that
second
step
and
that
power
was
alcohol.
I
needed
a
power
bigger
than
it.
And
I
took
that
step
through
out
of
desperation
because
you
guys
said
we
have
a
power
bigger
than
it.
And
I
didn't
know
whether
or
not
it
will
work.
But
if
you
in
that
bad
way
that
I
was
in,
I'm
willing
to
try
that
on
a
foundation
and
complete
willingness.
Do
I
now
believe
I
was
willing
to
believe
in
the
possible
existence
of
a
power?
And
I
did
that.
And
then
I
got
on
my
knees
with
a
whole
bunch
of
people
and
I
said
that
Thursday
of
prayer
and
I
felt
something
come
in
me
and
I
made
that
decision.
And
that
decision
had
to
have
some
action
behind
it
to
actuate
the
decision.
I
could
decide
right
now,
oh,
Bob,
here's
some
money.
Why
don't
you
go
out
while
get
everybody
in
here
some
Donuts.
But
until
I
give
him
the
money,
take
some
action,
it's
just
a
decision.
I
have
to
do
some
action
the
following.
And
it's
the
action
of
the
rest
of
the
steps
following
step
three
that'll
turn
over
my
will
in
my
life.
The
process
of
turn
over
my
will
in
my
life.
Don't
worry
about
it.
Well,
how
am
I
going
to
turn
it
or
why
do
I
keep
taking
it
back?
Right?
Ronnie
said
that
that
decision
I
make
and
have
little
permanent
effect
unless
it
wants
followed
by
strenuous
effort
to
face
and
be
rid
of.
And
that's
what
it
is
we
do.
And
at
the
front
end
of
that
process,
guess
what?
You
know,
I
thought
the
right
name
inventory
would
be
writing
down
all
the
stuff
I
knew
about
myself.
That's
not
the
purpose
and
that's
autobiography
and
they
cool.
I
used
to
really
frown
on
that.
I
don't
think
it's
any
bad
that
can
come
right.
I
don't
think
it's
any
bad
that
can
come
and
shine
in
the
light.
I
don't
think
it's
any
bad
way
to
look
at
yourself.
I
don't
think
if
you
come
from
the
places
that
we
come
from
doing
the
things
that
we
did.
I
don't
think
God
does
not
make
too
hard
at
terms
with
those
who
seeking
the
most
freedom
sentence
in
the
big
book.
To
me,
he
don't
make
2
harder
turns
with
those
who
seeking.
I'm
not
one
of
these
people.
That's
where
to
a
ritual
or
read
where
to
the
process
per
SE.
I
know
that
there
is
a
power
that
that
process
gets
me
in
touch
with
and
that's
what
I'm
really
after.
Bob
calls
it
the
juice.
I'm
really
after
the
power
so
I
don't
trip
off
the
the
the
ritual
sometime
if
I
get
too
stuck
in
Oh,
my
way
of
doing
this
deal
is
better
than
I
think
that
it's
me
to.
If
I
if
I
do
the
ritual
better,
I
recover
better.
That's
human
power.
They
don't
go
out
that
no,
you
know,
it's
a
way
to
get
in
touch
with
the
power
and
I'm
after
the
power,
you
know,
so
I'm
not
a
step
technician.
So
do
it
how
you
do
it.
What
we
share
is
a
way
that
I've
done
it,
you
know,
And
so
when
I
go
into
this
inventory
process,
man,
I
look
at
it
like
a
treasure
hunt.
A
treasure
hunt.
And
I'm
gonna
discover
some
stuff.
And
guess
what?
I'm
going
to
get
to
talk
about
and
discover
and
look
at
my
favorite
subject
me
while
I'm
still
selfish
and
self-centered.
Guess
what?
I
get
to
look
at
that.
And
so
now
it
talks
about
a
business
that
does
not
take
a
regular
inventory
or
soon
go
broke.
So
when
a
business
takes
a
regular
inventory,
fact
finding
fact
based
in
process,
what
a
business
does
is
they
go
and
they
look
and
I'm
running
a
big
electronics.
So
I
got
Best
Buy.
And
so
I'm
wondering
we
ain't
making
no
money
in
my
particular
Best
Buy.
What's
going
on
with
that?
And
I
got
some
people
to
come
in
and
I
say
Sharon
around
and
you
guys
go
go
look
on
the
shelves
and
see
what?
Well,
I
got
a
big
store,
you
know,
but
I
got
beta
maxes
on
the
shelf
and
I
got
all
8
tracks
up
in
there.
And
you
know,
I
got
stuff
that
ain't
sold
in
a
long
time
and
they
not
going
to
sell
anymore.
Now
some
of
them
and
I
might
have
some
new
stuff
and
it
might
be
broke.
Somebody
might
have
came
and
dropped
it
on,
put
it
back
on
the
shelf.
But
I'm
having
some
stuff
that's
in
pristine
condition.
You
know,
I
got
all
real,
real
up
and
they
never
been.
And
guess
what,
Ralph?
I
don't
care
how
new
IT
looks,
it
ain't
working.
It
ain't
selling.
They
ain't
buying,
Ronnie.
Well,
what
does
that
have
to
do
with
my
thinking?
You
know,
some
of
the
stuff,
you
know,
but
it's
mine.
It's
on
my
shelf.
Yeah,
some
of
the
stuff.
At
one
time
work
8
tracks
were
in.
You
know,
Powden
was
in
when
you
were
six.
You
55,
you
55,
they're
not
buying.
That
kind
of
stuff
was
in
then
you
know,
they're
not
buying.
You
know,
my
thinking
that
bullying
and
Mad
Dog
and
OK,
yeah,
you
might
think
it's
working
and
your
wife
is
looking
at
you
like
and
yeah,
well,
what
you
know,
I
think
it's
working
right.
You
know,
and
so
so
I
have
to
look
at
the
and
so
get
rid
of
it.
The
book
talks
about
I
can't
lie
to
myself
about
values.
You
know,
you
look
in
your
closet.
You
know
those
old
30
inch,
you're
not
going
to
be
a
30
no
more.
Get
rid
of
platforms.
They're
not
coming
back.
Get
rid
of
plaids,
pants
and
the
you
know,
Fred
Astaire,
get
the
Nehru,
they're
not
coming
back.
Get
rid
of
them.
Clean
out
the
closet.
But
it's
mine
and
I
never,
I
won't
have
that.
If
somebody
told
you
we
in
the
Christmas
season,
if
somebody
told
you
check
this
out,
your
daddy's
got
a
big
truck
and
it's
full
of
stuff.
It's
full
of
new
stuff.
It's
full
of
MP
threes
and
I,
it's
full
of
stuff
and
he's
going
to
back
it
up
and
he's
going
to
give
it
to
you.
But
you
got
to
have
room
for
it.
When
you
rush
to
get
rid
of
all
that
old
stuff,
when
you
rush
to
get
rid
of
it,
well,
that's
just
what's
in
store.
But
God
is
polite
and
God
likes
surprises
like
I
do.
And
God
does
not
just
back
it
up
and
show
it,
you
know?
So
I
got
to
step
from
the
bridge
to
shore
and
the
only
way
that
I
know
a
truck
is
coming
is
because
enough
of
you
guys
talk
about
the
changes
that
have
been
made
in
your
life.
You
know,
'cause
I
can't
see
it.
I
was
listening
to
Peggy
talk
about
the
dog
and
here's
how
I'm
you
know,
she
was
talking
about
a
dog
sees
me
at
the
master
is
God.
Well,
I'm
looking
at
Yeah,
but
the
dog
get
treats
and
stuff,
you
know,
God
don't
work
the
way
that
you
know
I'm
already
seeing
the
problem
is
with
God.
God
is
not
you
know,
God
is
not
giving
me
a
tree
right
then
God
is
not
pat
me
on
there
and
I
don't
but
I
I
forget
the
problem
is
with
me.
I'm
not
the
dog.
I'm
not
the
dog
because
check
this
out.
I
got
a
dog
and
I
got
a
daughter.
I
spend
more
time
with
my
daughter
and
the
dog
ain't
tripping.
See,
my
head
tells
me
is
all
about
the
the
dog
ain't
tripping.
See,
my
daddy
got
some
other
kids
too
and
I'm
tripping.
He
ain't
just
spending
time
with
me.
The
dog
ain't
tripping.
When
I
get
to
the
dog,
the
dog
is
OK,
you
know.
And
then
the
dog
does
this
sometime
and
I'm
busy
doing
well
and
I
don't
pay
no
attention
to
the
dog.
Dog
ain't
tripping.
Dog
still
just
okay
whenever,
you
know
dog
ain't
tripping.
Sat
up
here
and
immediately
went
the
wrong
way
when
Peggy
said
that.
But
yeah,
the
dog
that
treats
up
like
I
don't
get
treats
all
the
time
when
it's
time,
could
the
dog
be
sitting
up
here
and
want
me
to
throw
him
some
stuff
out?
You
know,
gave
the
dog
a
bone.
Just
fell
out
from
a
lamb
chop
dog
don't
need
that
got
the
choking.
You
know,
Lisa,
call
me.
What
am
I
going
to
do?
You
know,
so
don't
get
a
dog.
It
don't
matter
that
the
dogs
think
he
want
a
lamb
chop
bone.
I
know
not
to
give
him
one.
Somebody
in
here
want
a
lamb
chop
bong
and
wondering
why
God
didn't
give
it.
Well,
you
know.
So
the
dog
and
the
dog
and
the
dog
still
ain't
tripping.
Dog
wants
some
stuff
that's
gonna
give
him
worms.
I
know
better
than
to
give
that
to
the
dog.
Dog,
don't
get
mad
because
I
didn't.
Dog
just
still
OK
Whenever
you
give
me
whatever
you
give
me,
I'd
like
thank
you,
Peggy.
Thank
you
for
that
one.
You
know,
so
when
I
get
into
this
whole
enterprise.
But
here's
the
deal
about
resentments.
And
then
we
I'm
going
to
talk
about
another
inventory
too,
that
I
really
don't
think
of.
Here's
the
thing
about
resentments.
I
think
resentments
work
for
me.
I
think
resentments
work
for
me.
Now,
when
I
get
up
here
in
a
workshop
and
I
listen
to
people
share
and
people
read
from
the
book
and
they
say
in
the
plane
that
a
life
that
includes
deep
resentment
is
leads
only
to
fertility.
Most
people
start
now.
That
ain't
clear
to
me.
That
is
not
at
all
clear
to
me,
You
know,
because
sometimes
I
believe
that
they
work.
And
here
therein
lies
the
rug.
When
I
do
resentment
inventory,
there
are
a
couple
of
things
that
are
going
to
happen.
The
purpose
of
this
process,
one
of
the
sole
purposes
of
this
process
is
to
deflate
my
ego.
Why
does
that
need
to
be
deflated?
Because
my
ego
has
a
job
and
my
ego's
job
is
separate
me
from
you
and
me
from
God.
That's
his
job.
Tell
me
I'm
different.
Tell
me
I'm
better.
Tell
me
I'm
less.
That's
my
ego's
job,
separate
purpose
of
the
process
that
we
do,
this
12
step
process,
this
divining
order
thing
that
we
do
that
gets
me
in
touch
with
this
power
that
lets
me
know
I'm
OK
just
as
I
am.
The
purpose
of
that
is
the
unity,
you
know,
a
union
with
it
and
a
union
with
you,
you
know,
And
so
the
purpose
is
to
deflate
the
ego.
So
in
this
process,
here's
the
deal.
My
ego
want
to
live.
My
ego
wants
to
live.
It
fights
to
live.
It
resists
examination.
It
resists
shining
the
light.
Two
things
happen
in
that
process.
Inventory
guarantee
you
if
you're
new
and
you
haven't
done
one,
first
thing
that's
going
to
happen,
ego
is
going
to
show
up
is
pride.
You
know,
it's
it's
going
to
show
up
as
fear.
Damn,
I
can't
look.
I
can't
look
at
all
the
things
I've
done.
Sometimes
it
makes
me
feel
embarrassed
that
I
have
my
grandmother
on
my
inventory.
My
grandmother
loved
me.
My
grandmother
nursed
me.
My
grandmother
helped
who?
She
moved
in
with
us
and
she
helped
raises
and
I
had
her
on
my
inventory.
And
I
was
embarrassed
that
I
was
ashamed
about
it
because
my
grandmother
was
from
the
South
and
my
grandmother
was
uneducated
and
my
grandmother
dip
snuff
and
my
grandmother
was
overweight
and
my
grandmother
was
somebody
I
was
ashamed
to
let
my
friend
see,
'cause
I'm
that
petty.
Yes,
I
saw
the
light
on
myself.
Yeah,
your
ass.
Is
that
Patty?
I
am
the
lady
who
loved.
Oh,
you
can't
feel
that
way.
Yes,
you
can.
That's
who
you
are.
That's
who
you
are.
I
can't
look
when
my
wife
was
pregnant
with
my
daughter
right
now,
I
was
41
or
42
years
old.
And,
and
I,
I
wrote
about
my
daughter
when
she
was
in
her
belly
because
I
resented
her.
I'm
too
old
to
be
knowing
this.
I
resented
my
wife
at
that
time
and
I
resented
her.
And
I
wrote
about
both
of
them.
You
know,
it's
going
to
take
up
my
time,
you
know,
and
I'm
not
do
you
know,
I'm,
I'm
through,
I
got
a
25
year
old
daughter,
you
know,
we
were,
I'm
through
with
this
whole
thing
right
here.
I
wasn't
ready
to
start
over
again.
You
know,
forget
the
fact
that
right
now,
these
many
years
later,
you
know,
I
cannot
imagine
my
little
girl
being
in
the
world,
not
being
in
the
world.
But
at
the
time
I
wrote
about
it,
fear.
So
fear
stopped
me.
I
can't
look
at
who
I
am.
Yes,
I
can,
because
whether
I
look
or
not
is
still
there.
Whether
I
look
at
that
is
still
there.
Go
to
the
store,
buy
some
more
groceries.
Put
everything
in
the
refrigerator.
You
buy
a
bunch
of
tomatoes,
put
them
all
in
the
refrigerator.
You
could
buy
six
tomatoes.
One
of
them
is
rotten.
You
don't
take
a
look.
What's
going
to
happen?
All
of
them,
all
of
them,
doesn't
matter.
I
got
to
take
a
look
at
the
one.
So
I
take
a
look,
so
fear
shows
up.
Don't
trip
off
that.
Fear
shows
up
because
my
ain't
gonna
wants
to
live.
And
then
fear
is
accompanied
by
his
twin
pride.
You
can't
look
and
then
pride
says,
plus
you
don't
have
to.
You've
been
going
along
three
years,
ain't
nothing
happened.
They
making
a
little
bit
too
much
of
this.
You
haven't
taken
a
dream.
You
don't
have
to
look,
you
know,
And
when
it
talks
about
resentments
have
the
power
to
kill,
it
does
not
necessarily
mean
I
have
to
start
drinking
again.
Breaks
out
in
all
forms
of
spiritual
disease.
Has
the
power
to
spiritually
kill
me.
Has
the
power,
you
know,
it's
folk
up
in
here,
you
know,
here's
here's
what
resentments
can
do.
Got
a
sponsor,
been
calling
me
scared
to
death.
I've
been
having
these
pains,
I've
been
doubled
over.
Had
an
accident
on
while
driving,
almost
blacked
out
and
going
through
a
whole
thing.
Finally
went
to
the
doctor.
Doctor
Santoni
is
stress,
just
stress,
worrying
about
other
folk,
talking
about
other
folk,
taking
other
folk
home
with
me.
You
know,
it's
just
that
kind
of
thing.
It'll
manifest
in
physical
disease.
It'll
manifest
in
all
forms
of
spiritual
disease.
You
know,
Ronnie
talked
about,
as
in
war,
the
victor
only
seemed
to
win.
Because
here's
the
deal
with
these
resentments.
That's
number
one.
And
#2
I
got
ego
that's
going
to
tell
me
I
can't
look,
and
then
that
I
don't
have
to
look.
And
then
there's
something
else.
When
I
do
resentment
inventory,
it's
important
when
I
do
inventory
that
I
know
what
it
is
I'm
after,
that
I
know
what
it
is
I'm
after.
Do
I
want
to
be
right
or
do
I
want
to
be
free?
Don't
want
to
be
right.
I
don't
want
to
be
free
because
I
have
run
INS
with
folk.
I
have
resentment,
I
nerves,
I
have
resentments
that
I've
carried.
And
then
it's
nothing
like
self-righteous
anger.
Isn't
it
just
something
good
about
nursing
a
nice
one
every
now
and
then
when
you
know
you
called
them
wrong
and
you
know
they
shouldn't
have
done
that.
I
just
need
to
nurse
this
one
a
little
while.
I
need
to
fan
it
a
little
while,
you
know,
I
need
to
this
one's,
and
I
don't
care
what
nobody
say.
Yeah,
it
might
be
slightly
injured,
but
you're
wrong.
And
I'll
be
damned
if
I
say
and
every
now
and
then
in
this
right,
every
now
and
then
somebody
just
have
to
be
checked
sometime,
right?
And
I'm
just
the
person
for
the
job.
I'm
just
the
person
to
do
it,
you
know,
don't
you?
You
can't
let
somebody
say
something
to
you
and
let
them
get
away
with
it.
Won't
they
keep
doing
it?
Won't
they
keep
doing
it?
You
know
how
many
people
in
relationships,
married
or
any
relationship,
you
know,
every
now
and
then
I
will
do
something
like
I
don't
even
have
to
be
mad.
I
just
know
that
this
is
the
situation
that
should
anger
me
and
I
just
have
to
act
like
I
am
just
so
you
won't
get
carried
away
and
keep
doing
this.
Oh,
I'm
glad
I'm
not
the
only
one
resentment.
I
think
they
work
for
me.
Sometimes
I
think
they
work
for
me.
But
let's
even
look
at
that.
What
if
they
do?
Is
that
what
I
want
to
consider
working?
There
are
some
people
who
should
be
who
shall
remain
nameless,
probably
sitting
in
here
right
now.
Anybody
ever
win
in
a
relationship
that
has
has
this
aspect
to
it?
I
can't
wait
to
catch
you
doing
wrong
so
I
can
be
in
the
power
position.
And
then
you
can't
wait
to
catch
me
doing
wrong
so
you
can
be
in
the
power
position.
And
that
becomes
the
fabric
and
the
nature
of
the
relationship.
Who
has
caught
who
last.
That's
a
cool
place
to
be.
And
I'll
sit
up
as
a
ward
of
Victor
only
seem
to
win
and
I'll
sit
up
and
lay
on
my
side
of
the
bed
and
I
won't
die.
OK,
you
not
talking,
I'm
not
talking.
Let's
see
who
can
outlast
of
them.
Let's
see
the
reason
I
talk
about
real
stuff
because
I've
been
doing
that
still.
I'll
still
go
there
sometimes,
you
know,
I
think
power
works
and
I
think
withdrawal
works.
But
here's
even
more
to
the
point,
every
now
and
then,
because
resentments,
we
talk
about
fancy
to
real.
Every
now
and
then,
there
are
some
resentments
that
are
really
deep.
We're
real
people
really
do
things
to
real
people.
Hopefully
it
doesn't
happen
for
most
people,
but
I
guarantee
you
somebody
in
here
right
now
is
an
incest
survivor.
Somebody
in
here
right
now
has
been
molested
by
an
uncle
or
dad,
man
or
woman.
Somebody
in
here
right
now
has
had
one
of
their
kids
molested
by
one
of
their
relatives.
Ralph,
how
do
I
get
free
of
that?
What
the
hell?
No.
And
I
nursed
a
resentment
like
that
because
I
think
it
works
for
me.
Here's
the
deal
with
resentments.
Being
free
of
the
resentment
does
not
mean
I
excuse,
condone
or
exonerate
the
behavior.
See
that
one
again,
here's
the
key
to
that.
Being
free
of
the
resentment
does
not
mean
that
I
excuse,
condone
or
exonerate
the
behavior.
I
get
wrapped
up
in
some
resentments
because
I
think
if
I
get
free,
if
I
let
you
off
the
hook,
what
I'm
saying
to
myself
is
what
you
did
is
OK.
And
if
I
say
that
to
myself,
I'm
opening
up
myself
for
the
same
thing
to
happen
again
and
again
and
again,
and
I
am
responsible
for
protecting
me.
The
book
talks
about
an
entirely
new
angle,
the
basis
of
trust
in
God
rather
than
trust
in
me.
And
when
we
get
into
that
fear,
inventory
is
going
to
talk
about
why
do
I
have
any
fear
anyway?
Isn't
it
because
self-reliance
fail
me?
And
that's
the
crux
of
the
matter,
why
I
have
a
resentment
like
that?
Because
self-reliance
is
going
to
fail
me
because
I
don't
care
how
vigilant
I
am.
Here's
the
deal,
those
of
you
who
holding
on
to
those
resentments,
six
years
old,
eight
years
old,
ten
years
old,
Daddy
came
in
my
room,
did
whatever
he
did.
Uncle
came
in
and
did
whatever
he
did,
went
into
my
daughters
room,
did
whatever
they
did.
How
did
I
bring
that
on
route?
What
part
of
me
was
hurt,
threatening
or
interfere
with
in
that?
Well
myself
esteem
probably
was.
I
felt
like
it
was
something
wrong
with
me.
If
I
had
been
worthy,
you
wouldn't
have
done
that
to
me.
My
pride.
I
think
everybody
knows
that
about
me
and
they
see
me
as
dirty.
You
know,
my
ambition,
you
know,
I
wanted
to
grow
up
and
be
just
a
normal
kid.
I
wanted
to
have
a
father
daughter
relationship
for
or
father
son,
whatever.
It
is.
My
security,
that's
obvious.
My
physical
security.
I'll
never
be
able
to
trust
another
human
being
anymore.
You
know,
my
personal
relationships.
I
can't
get
close
to
people.
I
know
that
people
know
that
this
stain
is
on
me.
My
sexual
relationships,
whoever
it
is
that
I
try
to
get
with,
that
third
party
is
in
bed
with
us
all
the
time.
This
happened
to
me
when
I'm
six.
I'm
46
and
it's
still
happening.
He
still
is
in
between
me
and
every
relationship
I
try
to
get
in,
you
know,
So
I
look
at
those
things
and
I
ask
myself
the
critical
question,
do
I
want
to
be
right
or
do
I
want
to
be
free?
Do
I
want
to
be
right?
Do
I
want
to?
That's
a
threshold
question
that's
going
to
catapult
me
into
doing
the
work
that's
in
the
book,
is
not
a
book
is
going
to
tell
me
some
things
to
do
in
a
relationship
like
that.
You
know,
the
first
thing
I'm
going
to
have
to
do
is
I
have
to
ask
perhaps
these
people,
they
like
me,
were
perhaps
spiritually
sick.
It
takes
a
lot
to
get
to
this
point.
And,
and,
and
what
it
really
takes
is
a
firm
determination
that
you
screw
me
when
I
was
six,
you
going
to
stop
screwing
me
when
I'm
46.
That's
it.
That's
all.
That's
enough.
My
defect
still
got
to
work
for
me
a
little
bit
and
I
have
just
enough
of
that
ego
done.
We
threw
get
out
my
bed.
Do
I
want
to
be
right
or
do
I
want
to
be
free?
I
want
to
be
free
at
a
resentment.
What
you
did
wasn't
cool.
What
you
did
will
never
be
cool,
you
know,
And
being
free
of
the
resentment,
even
if
I
see
you,
you
know,
I
might
see
you
over
mom's
house
on
the
holidays,
but
I'm
still
going
to
keep
my
daughter
away
from
you.
That's
prudent.
But
I
don't
want
to
be
resentful
because
the
resentment
kills
me.
I
have
a
friend
that
says
drinking.
Having
a
resentment
is
like
me
drinking
the
poison
and
waiting
on
you
to
die.
Having
a
resentment
is
like
me
putting
you
in
prison.
But
I
got
to
stand
guard.
Anybody
been
standing
guard
on
somebody
for
about
40
years?
Anybody
been
nursing
a
resentment?
Anybody
can't
go
over
the
family
gatherings
cause
Uncle
Peter
be
over
there.
Anybody
that
can't
go
around
certain
places
because
he
or
she
or
they
will
be
there,
they
do
I
want
to
be
right
or
do
I
want
to
be
free?
And
that's
what
this
deal
is
about.
That's
what
it's
really
about.
When
I
came
into
the
rooms
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
under
the
lash,
you
know,
gone,
what
you
guys
offered
me
is
a
new
way
of
living,
a
new
way
of
living
that
really
works.
And
it
really
works
for
a
guy
like
me
and,
and,
and
every
area,
every
area.
So
this
business
of
resentment,
the
book
talks
about,
we
find
an
infinitely
grave.
It
talks
about
it
being,
it
likens
it
to
poison.
It's
got
a
whole
lot
of
words
in
there.
You
know,
it
destroys
more
Alcoholics,
this
business
of
resentment.
So
being
free
of
it
is
a
big
deal,
you
know,
and
there
are
some
prayers
in
there.
Perhaps
they,
like
ourselves,
were
perhaps
spiritually
sick.
We
granted
we
ask
God
to
grant
us
the
same
pity,
tolerance
and
patience
we
would
have
sick
friend,
somebody
that
did
something
to
me
that
was
like
that.
4th
column,
we
talked
about
the
resentment
at
the
nameless
father
or
stepfather
that
molested
me
or
or
my
child
or
whoever
went
through
the
third
column.
Fourth
column,
my
part
selfish.
Maybe
no
selfishness
in
there.
Maybe
it
is
resentment.
Inventory
is
a
personal
deal
and
it's
personal
for
each
person
and
the
same
set
of
circumstances
can
present
in
your
life
be
some
different
parts.
I
played
in
the
fourth
column
for
me,
you
know,
my
wife
was,
was
an
incest
surprise.
And
in
her
4th
column
it
talks
about,
you
know,
for
some
people
there's
a
dishonesty.
And
the
dishonesty
is
I
never
told
anybody
and
yet
I
held
other
people
responsible.
And
then
hers
is
interesting
because
she
says
she,
you
know,
the,
the
resentment,
it
was
dishonest
because
it
started
out
as
molestation
and
it
ended
up
as
prostitution
because
she
started
willingly
participating
in
it
because
it
was
something
in
it
for
her.
And
she
saw
self-interest
in
it
because
something
in
it
for
her.
And
so
his
people
in
there
to
see
that
transaction,
the
exchange
and
that
transaction
in
that
exchange.
But
I
guarantee
you
if
you
don't
see
it
in
self
resistance
and
if
you
don't
see
it
in
dishonesty,
it's
obviously
going
to
be
some
self
seeking.
Probably
been
putting
that
person
down
for
years
in
order
for
me
to
elevate
myself.
I've
probably
been
tearing
them
down
to
other
people.
I've
probably
been
doing
a
number
of
things,
but
I
guarantee
you
I
find
it
in
fear.
I
find
it
in
fear.
My
part,
I
find
it
in
fear.
Feared
that
everybody
thinks
of
something
wrong
with
me.
Fear
that
you
don't
like
me,
fear
that
it
is
something
wrong
with
me.
Fear
of
being
found
out,
fear
being
exposed.
Fear
that
you
gonna
be,
fear
that
I'm
gonna
be
humiliated,
you
know,
fear
that
I'm
not
enough.
Fear
that
I'll
never
be
in
a
real
relationship.
Fear
that
I'm
not
worthy
of
a
relationship.
You
know,
fear
we
think
it
ought
to
be
class
with
stealing
is
what
it
says
in
the
big
book.
I'll
call
it
anonymous.
And
then
it's
gotta
fear
inventory
that
we
talk
about.
And
I'm
gonna
go
all
over
with
these
and
that
fear.
It's
not
a
lot
in
the
book
on
the
fear
inventory.
And
that's
the
one
I'm
living
in
right
now.
See,
what
you
get
is
what
you
get
when
I
stand
up
in
front
of
you
guys,
I
do
you
my
family.
And
like
I
told
you,
I'm
not
a
step
technician.
I'm
not
one
that's
really
stuck
in
the
ritual.
This
is
how
you
have
to
do
what.
I
do
it
for
my
life.
And
I
do
it
because
it's
real.
And
I
do
it
because
I
need
power.
And
I
do
it
'cause
I'm
flawed,
and
I
do
it
'cause
it
applies
to
me.
I
do
fear
inventory
because
I'm
fearful
and
I
do
resentment
inventory
because
I
can't
resentments.
I
don't
do
it
to
talk
about
it
when
we
come
up
to
state
line
and
impress
you
that
I
know
the
stuff
in
the
book.
You
know,
I
went
upstairs
right
when
Peggy
got
through.
I
had
a
call
and
there's
lots
of
stuff
that's
going
on
with
me
right
now.
You
know,
when
you
sit
in
here
and
talk
about
fear
and
talk
about
resentment,
it's
an
art
to
listening
and
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
it
really
is
an
art
to
listening.
And
depending
on
where
you
stand
in
your
own
life
and
the
events
that
are
transpiring,
that's
how
you
hear.
That's
what
you
hear
and
I'm
so
glad
that
the
measure
of
recovery
that
I
found
a
new
measuring
stick,
found
a
new
yardstick.
Bob
and
I
were
doing
something
last
week
and
he
talked
about
spiritual
in
the
spiritual
realm.
Sometime
when
you
measure
spiritual
growth,
if
we
got
any
new
friends,
don't
use
the
same
measuring
stick
that
you
used
to
spiritual
growth
ain't
measured
by
addition
and
acquisition.
Spiritual
growth
is
measured
by
subtraction.
By
subtraction.
Thank
you
Bob
for
giving
up
myself.
Binded
yourself
and
what
I'm.
So
I'm
stuck
in
that
old
idea
and
got
to
change
you
with
your
permission,
'cause
it
feels
like
when
I
tell
you
the
litany
of
things
that's
wrong,
'cause
trust
me,
I'm
the
most
blessed
man
I
know
standing
here
right
now.
Don't
have
no
money
on,
you
know,
don't
have
no
money.
I
could
pull
out
whatever
I
pull
out,
you
know,
And
there's
two
things
right
here.
A,
this
is
probably
the
sum
total
of
my
net
worth
right
now.
And
two.
But
two,
here's
the
blessing
and
here's
the
miracle.
Ralph
White
is
standing
in
front
of
you
on
Saturday
morning
with
something
green
in
his
pocket
and
he
in
an
upright
position
and
he
is
not
you
right
now.
If
you
anything
like
me,
you
sitting
in
the
middle,
middle
of
the
spiritual,
could
you
sitting
in
the
mirror,
middle
of
a
spiritual
miracle
right
now,
right
now,
you
know,
and
I
got
to
remember
that.
And
Ronnie
said
something,
he
said
something
a
minute
ago.
Because
I'm,
I'm,
I'm
gonna
get
to
what
I'm
talking
about.
I
guess
I
really
don't
want
to,
but
I
have
to.
So
I'm
meandering.
And
he
talked
about
December
13th
of
1987
and
I
get
to
measure
myself
against
19921996198
nineteen,
you
know,
99,
2002.
I'll
measure
myself.
And
the
real
measure
in
place
for
Ralph
White
is
October
11th,
1986.
And
when
I
think
back
to
October
11,
1986,
I
never
had
it
so
good.
So
I
went
upstairs.
We're
going
to
talk
about
fear.
So
I
went
upstairs
and
my
wife
who's
living
in
the
house
that
I
haven't
been
in
for
a
little
while,
and
that's
the
other
piece
of
the
equation,
caught
up
in
the
whole
house
thing
and
everybody.
And
she
left
me
a
number
and
I
called
these
people
and
it's
my
lender
and
they're
talking
about
we
want
to
give
you
a
cash
for
keys
agreement.
For
those
of
you
who
are
not
familiar
with
that
terminology,
I
hope
you
never
have
to
be.
So
money
gone,
house
gone,
marriage
gone,
22
years
sober
standing
a
state
line
should
be
feeling
iconic.
I'm
feeling
peonic,
Thank
God.
That's
always
a
good
place
for
a
guy
like
me.
You
know,
when
you
be
going
places
as
they
trust
me,
I
don't
even
read
my
press
clip
that
right
because
you
know,
Ronnie
was
standing
up
here
talking.
He
talks
about
his
Big
Brother,
blah,
blah,
blah,
blah,
blah,
blah,
blah.
And
it's
amazing
perception.
It's
amazing
perception
because
I've
always
been
the
trailblazer
in
the
front
runner
and
the
rest
of
this.
But
over
the
last
probably
about
10
years,
Ronnie
is
the
rocking
our
family.
When
my
mom
needs
something,
she
can
call
Ronnie.
When
I
need
something,
he's
been
carrying
me.
You
know,
and,
and
and
you
know,
several
of
us
sober
now
from
where
we
come
from
and
we
take
turns.
But
I'm
thinking
about
this
fear
and
the
reason
we
get
up
here
new
friends
and
we
share
because
I
do
stuff.
Life
happens
for
a
guy
like
me.
I'm
messy
in
my
life
sometimes,
you
know,
I,
I,
you
know,
I
do
things.
I
make
decisions
based
on
self.
They
later
put
me
in
position
to
be
heard.
I'm
in
the
stream
of
life.
And
if
you're
in
the
stream
of
life,
life
comes
at
you
the
way
it
come
in
everybody.
I
was
at
a
meeting
and
somebody
was
saying,
you
know,
brand
New
Girl
and
she
was
saying,
I've
heard
this
saying
that
God
don't
give
you
more
than
you
can
handle.
How
do
you
know
when
that
is?
And
I
was
looking
at
her
and
I
remember
saying
to
her,
well,
baby,
God
don't
give
you
more
than
you
can
handle,
but
life
does.
That's
why
I
need
God.
You
know,
that's
why
I
need
God
because
life
does
give
me
more
and
I
can
handle.
Life
gets
big
for
a
guy
named
Ralph.
Life
happens
and
shows
up
for
a
guy
named
Ralph.
And
I'm
in
it
and
I'm
participating
and
I'm
standing.
And
the
theme
that
these
spiritual
principles
that
you
guys
have
given
me
and
embedded
in
me
and
instilled
in
me
that
I
walk
with,
that
have
become
a
working
part
of
who
it
is
that
I
am.
And
God
changes
me
without
me
knowing
it.
And
I
don't
know
it
till
I
need
it.
I
don't
know
until
I
need
it
in
my
head.
The
events
that
I
just
said
to
you
guys
should
have
me
like
in
the
bed.
And
I
wanted
to
show
up.
I
got
to
a
point
where
when
things
are
happening,
I
still
measure
myself
by
what
I
think
is
the
evidence
of
what's
going
on
in
my
life.
It
must
be
something
wrong
with
you
Do
if
you
standing
up
here
and
you
going
out
sharing
with
people
how
you
going
to
do
that?
You
fraudulent.
You
don't
have
a
message
to
care.
Yeah,
I
do.
A
message
that
I
carry
is
no
matter
what,
no
matter
what
comes
up,
matter
what
goes
down,
no
matter
where
the
where
you
are
right
now
and
what
you
think
is
living
your
life
and
not
in
your
head
that
when
I
live
in
my
life,
I'm
OK.
It's
when
I
live
in
my
head,
I'm
in
my
head
sitting
down
there
right
now.
Ain't
nobody
came
and
put
me
on
my
you,
but
right
now
sitting
right
there
are
almost
couldn't
do
it.
Living
in
my
head
and
not
in
my
life.
Living
in
my
life.
I'm
surrounded
by
people
who
love
me.
I'm
surrounded
by
recovery.
I'm
surrounded
by
you
know,
I'm
in
my
element,
I'm
where
it
is
I
need
to
be.
And
what
makes
me
think
that
God
saved
me
from
that
cesspool
we
saved
me
from
to
let
me
drown
in
the
bathtub
right
now?
I
know
that
ain't
true.
I
know
it
ain't,
you
know.
But
when
he
talks
about
fear,
he
says
he
asked
ourselves,
why
do
you
know?
Isn't
it
because
self-reliance
failed
us?
Yes,
me
relying
on
me.
I
can't
bring
about
the
desired
result.
Some
stuff
happens.
Yeah,
Make
some
decisions
based
on
self.
Yeah,
participate
in
life
and
stuff
happens.
Stuff
happens,
happens
to
everybody.
And
you
know
why
we
share
up
in
these
rooms?
Because
sometimes
it
ain't
so
much
the
misery
loves
company.
But
what
it
is
that
a
shared
experiences
just
don't
feel
so
stupid.
You
just
don't
feel
so
goddamn
stupid.
Somebody
else
is
probably
sitting
out
there
right
now
thinking
to
themselves,
I
don't
know
where
Christmas
is
going
to
be
in
my
house
this
year
and
I'm
glad
somebody
else
can
let
me
know.
It
ain't
that
it's
just
something
wrong
with
me.
You
just
just
don't
feel
so
stupid
just
so
it
feels
so
all
alone.
See,
I
don't
know
where
it's
going
to
happen
in
1980,
seven,
1986.
You
know,
in
my
story
I
share
about
being
a
next
year
dad
and
I'm
the
kind
of
dad
that
Christmases
and
birthdays
I
wouldn't
show
up.
Desperately
wanted
to,
desperately
wanted
to
show
up
and
I
sit
around
wherever
it
was
I
was
sitting
around
and
look
at
my
watch,
or
in
my
case
the
sun.
And
I
think
to
myself
right
about
now,
they
open
in
presence
next
year.
I'm
gonna
get
that
girl
some.
And
in
December
of
1986,
I
was
in
the
Harbor
Life
Center.
I've
been
there
three
months
and
they
have
put
me
on
disability.
I
didn't
even
know
I
had
it
coming.
And
they
were
banking
money
for
me.
They
were
taking
their
money
out
in
the
excess
they
were
putting
away
from
me.
And
that
December
of
1986,
they
gave
me
a
little
of
my
money
to
go
give
my
girl
a
Christmas
present.
I'm
over
the
top
guy
and
most
Christmases
now.
This
was
my
first
daughter.
My
second
daughter
doesn't
know
anything
but
Christmases
this
high
up
on
the
tree
and
the
rest
because
that's
how
I
do.
And
that
Christmas
in
1986,
I
bought
my
daughter
a
little
pink
jacket
with
a
Gray
fur
collar.
Jackie
might
have
been
$45
or
something,
I
don't
remember.
If
I
talk
to
Rain
now,
she
probably
would
tell
me
if
she
was
telling
the
truth.
Oh,
Daddy,
that
was
ugly.
I
don't
know,
but
that
jacket
looked
like
a
mink
stole
to
me
that
December
in
1986,
the
first
Christmas
I
was
able
to
buy
myself
my
girl
something
and
she
actually
received
it.
I
didn't
take
it
back
and
I
remember
how
proud
I
was
in
22
years
later
perspective
again.
Classy.
I'd
like
to
be
happy
if
I
was
just
happy
to
give
her
a
pink.
Talk
about
that
fear
inventory.
Peggy,
you
said
a
prayer
and
I
always
wonder
in
fear
inventory
it
talks
about.
Asking
God
to
direct
my
attention
to
what
He
would
have
me
to
be.
And
I
was
sitting
there
thinking
about
that
and
then
guys
start
talking
out
of
Peggys
voice.
Ask
God
to
direct
my
attention
to
what
I
would
have
me
to
be
and
Pecky
said.
Help
me
to
not
be
scared.
Help
me
to
help
somebody.
Help
me
to
be
polite.
Hmm?
Prescriptions
are
all
the
way
through
this
book.
When
you
go
to
the
valley,
When
you
go
to
the
valley,
when
everything
else
fails,
Nothing
so
much
ensures
immunity
from
drinking.
Working
with
another
one,
our
constant
thought
is
X
problem
drinkers.
Depends
of
my
constant
thought
of
others
and
how
I
can
meet
their
needs.
My
very
life
is
an
ex
problem
drinker.
Depends
on
my
concept
thought
others
how
I
can
meet
their
needs.
Thank
you,
Pat.
Direct
my
attention
to
what
he
would
have
me
to
be
and
what
he's
going
to
have
me
to
be.
I
think
in
what
looked
like
dark
times,
be
encouraged.
Be
what
you
say
you
was
gonna
be
when
you
got
down
on
your
knees
with
that
group
of
people
and
you
said
to
them,
Ioffer
myself
to
you.
Do
something
with
me,
do
some
with
me.
This
piece
of
man,
and
he's
been
doing
something
with
me
and
he's
still
doing
something
with
me.
Relieve
me
the
bondage
itself,
so
I
can
better
do
that.
Well,
take
away
my
difficulties,
that
victory
over
them.
Somebody
else
gonna
lose
a
house
and
they
gonna
need
to
know
you
ain't
got
a
drink
and
that
God
is
still
in
the
business
of
doing
what
He
do.
Somebody
else
go
have
something
successful
to
work
till
it
don't
and
they
gonna
need
to
know
that
you
don't
have
to
drink
no
matter
what
and
God
is
gonna
keep
doing
what
he
do.
Somebody
else
going
to
hit
a
financial
valley
and
instead
of
looking
at
the
fact
I
ain't
had
a
check
since
April,
I'm
going
to
look
at
the
fact
that
I
ain't
missed
the
meal
since
then
that
I
slept
outside.
I
haven't
stopped
going
anywhere
I
want
to
go
now.
I'm
going
to
stop
laughing
in
my
day
and
I
haven't
stopped
sitting
with
my
boys.
I
haven't
stopped
sharing
with
my
people
and
they
haven't
stopped
sharing
with
me.
I
still
do
what
it
is
that
I
do
and
I
still
show
up
in
the
rooms.
Alcoholics
Anonymous
Feeling
fraudulent,
feeling
butt
naked.
Feeling
what
it
is
that
I
feel
and
it
ain't
important
what
it
is
that
I
feel.
What's
important
is
what
I
do,
because
that's
who
I
am
anyway,
dominated
by
what
I
think
you
think
about
me.
So
I
need
to
get
up
out
of
that.
Ralph.
Ain't
no
crying,
ain't
no
whine
and
keep
it
moving.
You
know,
Bob
talked
about
that
last
week.
You
know,
we
got
a
new
word
for
you
know,
book
talks
about
self
pity.
We
call
it
depression.
Your
ass
ain't
depressed,
you
just
feeling
sorry
for
yourself.
You
get
5
minutes
of
that,
then
keep
it
moving,
even
move
your
guy
like
me.
I'ma
get
scared
of
anything.
But
every
now
and
then
I
got
a
reminder
Z
because
I
grow
in
the
valley.
And
the
thing
about
22
years
of
doing
this
thing
and
I
and
especially
people
have
been
doing
it
way
longer
than
me.
What
I
respect
about
that
is
see,
I'm
talking
about
stuff.
I
know
I'm
not
speculating.
I'm
talking
about
stuff.
What
I
know
when
I
tell
you
that
I
know
like
I
know
like
I
know
that
I'll
grow
in
the
valley
cause
I've
been
in
the
valley
before
this
my
third
big
one
in
recovery.
I
know
like
I
know
like
I
know
that
God
is
going
to
take
me
to
something
bigger
and
better.
Never
took
me
backwards
yet
you
know
all.
You
know
the
saying
when
one
door
closed,
another
one
opened.
But
damn
is
hell
in
the
hallway.
I'm
standing
in
the
hallway,
but
when
you
hallway,
it's
good
to
have
a
lot
of
company.
That's
what
I
like
the
most
about
it.
So
keep
on
showing
up,
keep
on
coming.
You
know,
I
got
a
lot
of
company
in
the
hallway,
you
know.
And
so
in
this
deal,
man,
you
know,
I
am
glad
to
have
uncovered,
discovered
what
this
got
to
do
with
these
inventories
you've
been
talking
about.
And
trust
me,
I
got
another
sex
inventory
that
I'll
be
doing
seriously
on
this
long
relationship
that
I've
been
in
that
was
very
successful.
I'm
the
kind
of
guy
that
likes
to
judge
the
page
I'm
on
and
make
that
judge
the
whole
book.
No,
we
had
it.
That
was
a
hell
of
a
book.
Page
I'm
on
right
now
is
a
page
I'm
on
right
now
and
God
is
on.
You
know,
God
is
writing
the
book.
Don't
trip
off
the
page
you
own.
You
know,
I
love
the
peg
was
talking
about
is
it
all
right
right
now,
right,
right
right
now.
And
every
right
now
keeps
being
all
right
when
I
live
in
my
life
and
when
I
don't
live
in
my
head,
you
know,
but
I'm
a
living
in
my
head
kind
of
guy.
And
I
know
this
one
is
all
is
going
to
be
all
right
too.
You
know,
I
just
took
the
body
block.
I
just
got
the
call.
You
know,
I
take
the
body
block.
I
take
it.
I
double
over.
I
come
back
to
the
corner.
OK,
cut,
man,
stitch
me,
you
know,
guys
stitched
me
up
and
pushed
me
back
out
there
and
we
keep
it
moving
and
I'm
glad
that
I've
cut
me
in
like
you
in
my
corner.
I
really
am.
I'm
glad
to
have
this
power
that's
behind
me
and
I'm
glad
to
know
why
it
is
that
I
do
what
it
is
that
I
do,
you
know,
because
resentment
inventory
this
thing,
right?
He
talked
about
being
unblocked
from
the
source
of
the
power
being
unblocked
from
it.
Man,
it
ain't
nothing
like
that.
It
ain't
nothing
like
it.
I'm
a
scary
guy.
I'm
a
guided
man,
you
know,
I
I
was
a
scared
little
boy
plan
of
being
a
man
in
this
deal.
And
for
22
years,
something
has
happened
in
me,
something
that's
changed
in
me,
something
that's
happened
without
my
you
know,
it
didn't
require
my
permission.
It
did
require
my
cooperation.
And
God
has
done
something
with
me.
And
sometime
the
best
that
I
know
that
I
do
is
I
stand
up
and
I
be
responsible.
I
don't
need
him
do
me
number,
give
me
capacity
and
give
me
hell.
The
same
thing
I
got
before.
It'll
happen
again.
You
know,
when
you
come
from
the
dark
place
that
I
come
from,
how
anything
that's
in
front
of
me
right
now
going
to
scare
me,
you
know,
and
if
you're
in
here
and
you
think
this
guy
show
went
off
a
step
for
I
don't
know
what
step
I've
been,
I've
been
talking
about,
you
know,
the
effects
of
these
inner
life,
the
way
they
show
up
in
a
life.
And
so
I'm
walking
through
this
fear
inventory
and
I
am
so
grateful
that
I
was
here,
you
know,
right
now
this
morning,
'cause
I
heard
him
talking
to
me
because
I
was
sitting
up
here
thinking
about
when
he
talks
about
direct
my
attention
to
what
he
would
have
me
to
be.
And
I
heard
it.
I
heard
it.
I
heard
it.
Guarantee
you.
Keep
coming
to
me.
Keep
doing
the
deal.
Keep
in
one
throat
in
front
of
the
other.
Keep
sticking
your
hand
in
our
hand
and
other
hand
in
God's
hand.
I
guarantee
you,
you'll
always
hear
it
too.
Just
when
you
need
it.
Just
what
you
need.
You're
hearing,
you're
hearing,
you're
hearing.
You
know,
we
got
a
lot
of
stuff
before
us
the
rest
of
this
weekend.
I'm
really,
really
looking
forward
to
it.
You
know,
Bob
set
it
up.
I
don't
know
why
we
got
it
to,
you
know,
before
and
before
I
sit
down,
you
know,
I'm
just
preview.
Let
me
give
you
a
little
help
here
down
for
step
five,
you
know,
because
we're
gonna
have
set
5-6
and
seven
coming
up
after
lunch.
And
when
he
had
his
written
inventory
done
and
it's
3
and
I
didn't
talk
about
sex
inventory.
It's
a
little
delicate
for
me
right
now.
One's
tender.
I'm
going
to
be
in
that
one
right
now.
You
know,
nine
questions
in
the
sex
inventory,
8
questions
go
to
my
past
conduct.
The
9th
question
is
a
guide
to
my
future
conduct.
They're
in
the
big
book
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Where,
you
know,
where
have
I
been
selfish?
Where
have
I
been
inconsiderate?
You
know,
whom
did
I
hurt?
Whom
did
I
harm?
Where
did
I
unjustifiably
arouse
bitterness?
Where
did
I
justify
be
aroused
suspicion?
Where
did
I
unjustified
be
aroused
jealousy?
Where
was
I
at
fault
in
the
ninth
question,
What
should
I
have
done
instead?
And
I
put
them
on
paper
and
I
read
those
and
I
look
at
my
and
I
for
a
lot
of
the
times
I've
been
having
the
same
relationships,
you
know,
with
different
faces.
And
I
also
come
to
find
out
in
a
lot
of
my
relationships,
I've
been
the
only
person
present.
Imagine
that,
you
know,
So
you
know,
doing
a
fourth
step
and
not
doing
a
fifth,
doing
the
work,
doing
the
work
and
not
taking
a
fifth.
Doing
the
4th
step
and
not
doing
the
5th
is
like
having
sex
and
not
coming.
Don't
put
in
the
work
and
not
get
the
results.