The Northern Plains Group in Fargo, ND

My name is Kenny Bud and I'm an alcoholic.

I've been sober since July 27th, 1996.

That's been truly, by God's grace and you guys and solid sponsorship.

I should have had Corey bring my coffee up here. I don't know where it's at,

but in any case, Patrick,

I'd like to thank Dave for asking me to to speak in our 210 minute speakers. Thank you.

I guess where to where to start? It's it's always interesting on where to start because I was born in Vero Beach, FL and raised in Santa Barbara, CA and,

and became a massive drunk in Plenty Wood, Montana.

And so

now, you know much. I don't remember much of Florida. I move, I moved from there when I was about a year and a half. So yeah, there's not much there. I've been back in the, in the years that followed, but just for visits. But Santa Barbara started drinking when I was eight. Now most people would think, gosh, this guy started drinking when he was eight, you know, and yeah, when I was eight, I didn't know what the heck was going on. I didn't know what I was doing. All I knew is that I like the effect. I didn't.

Thank you, Patrick.

All I know is that I like the effect that was produced by alcohol. I as far as me thinking about drinking, no, there was really no mental obsession there. There was a phenomenon of craving though, and I remember drinking on camp outs pretty much from when I was eight to my, My step dad and my mother divorced when I was 10.

And I remember we were at a party and it was my

my mom was having a bunch of people over and there was this big party. We stole a bunch of beers, hit them in our hit them in my dresser drawer. Everybody moved out front. We took the beers and went Outback. And of course we started drinking these beers and, and I'm slamming them down left and right and, and my brother and, and some other people were like, these things are warm and they're like, what? And they're throwing them. And I'm like, no,

you know, because it's like warm beer. I don't care. You know, it's beer. It's going to give me the effect. And, and you know, at the time I didn't realize it, but now when I look back, I could see that

they'd, yeah, there was, there was a definite problem there. Started smoking weed at 11 and, and everything began to change slowly but surely, especially when I moved to Plentywood, Montana. Now, if you don't know, Santa Barbara at the time was about 250,000 people. I moved to Plentywood, Montana, which was about 1500 people. So there was a culture shock there. And I was a new guy, new guy, new kid in town from California. So I was really popular and I fed my ego just loved that. I, I just fed off of that popularity.

And with that came, came some parties and and so forth. And, and I just lived it up. I, I really lived it up. It just started off as fun. That's all it was, was fun for me. It was just fun and games. You know, I'm out to have a party. It's, it's a weekend and we're going to let cut loose, you know, go on a road trip and whatnot. And eventually it, it turned into something else that, that I wasn't expecting. And growing up as a kid, I seen my step dad, he went through treatment and I, I remember asking my mom, I said, well, what are they doing to him?

Treatment. And she said that they were strapping him to a bed and they were just shoving alcohol down his throat until he got sick of it, you know. So that's what my idea of treatment was that, you know, and, and I always said, well, I'll never do that. And I'll never be like him and I'll never do that. I'll never smoke, I'll never drink, you know, and things like that. And and yeah, you know, eventually all the Nevers became a reality for me.

In any case,

I as time went on, you know, I growing up, I was really insecure, really insecure. And I was the kind of guy and I was talking with with Aaron Mayor at the before before we had a committee meeting and and I was talking with her and we're, you know, it was a lot like, you know, when I drank, it was I would get all, get all depressed sometimes and I'd be kicking the ground and somebody would say, Kenny, what's wrong?

Nothing. And then they would walk off and inside I'm screaming, come back, come back, please come back.

You know, but that's, that's how my emotions work. You know, I would tell you, no, nothing's wrong. Everything's good. But as soon as you left it, I would just want to tell you, gosh, if you really knew what was going on inside of me, because I can't tell people what's going on inside of me because then you're not a manly man. And I got to be a manly man and I got to tell people what I, I don't want to tell others how I feel. I don't want to tell others that I, that I, I judge how I feel on the inside to how you look on the outside. You guys, you guys look, look good. You guys all have ties on

and carry yourselves well and inside. I don't measure up to that. I don't measure up to any of that. And So what I do is I immediately alienate alienate myself from the rest. I don't drive a nice car so I'm never going to be be like you and we're just not going to mix. I drive a Ford Pinto station wagon year of 1979 with four speed. And

you know, that's what I drive And, but I don't, I don't compare with what you drive was nice Jeep Wrangler or something like that.

And so of course I, I would, I would just jump in and out of crowds. Just, you know, I'd be a jock for one week and I'd be a dope smoker the next week and I'd be a whiskey drinker the next week. And, and some weeks I was all three at once. And you know, but that's what I did. I've just moved from crowd to crowd. And as soon as you got to know me a little bit, I would jump on to the next crowd

and see if I can find my fix or see if somebody can accept me for how I feel on the inside. And nobody, nobody could ever measure up to that. I always set my standards up here and I always hit the mark down here. And so there was never, there was never any, you know, I was a pretty depressed guy. But something happened though, because when I drank that there, there was no depressed guys. Like I'm the man

when I drank, when I drank it was, it was a phenomenal for me. I would get that eye effect and and it was just, it was just absolutely phenomenal. Everything would change around me. Everything. Those guys with the ties, there ain't nothing, you know, look at me. I got holy jeans and I got a giant mullet.

You know, now I know that's funny, but I did at one time have hair and

you know, I I was just I was just the guy. I was able to out drink you. I remember telling the Barber when he was cutting my hair when I had it that I was like, yeah, I don't a case of beer the other night and and I was bragging about it on how much I drank. You know, I was just bragging about it and I didn't get the reaction that I was expecting out of him. I was expecting to say, yeah, you go. And he was like, man, are you really? And I said yeah. And he's like,

you think you might have a problem? And and then I just shut up. I didn't say yeah,

but

but yeah, I'd brag about my drinking and how much I can drink and how much I can consume. And, and eventually I, I began to take on more responsibilities and getting, you know, I worked, I dropped out of high school at 16 so I can play quarters. And you know, that was an excellent quarter player, I'll tell you. And

you know, that's that was my thinking. See my thinking. It's funny when I make my own decisions and when I might the best decisions I ever make are they really know they really don't produce the things I would like them to produce. For example, I was going to drop out of school and and go on to better things at job core and I ended up living with three girls and partying it up and then leaving from there and and ending up and tone upon Nevada. Anybody here of tone upon Nevada?

There's one. Yeah. Ending up in the tone of PAW. I was going to work in a gold mine. That was my goal. I wanted to work in a gold mine. And my main goal was because I'm always striving for the easy way out. If I can get some gold, I'll be fine. And

I never got it to the gold mine. I made it as far as a casino working as a dishwasher and they evidently didn't see my potential, so I decided to move on. So a couple cases of beer and A and 1/5 of Jack and off we rode,

you know, but that's, that's how I worked. And it was funny because I was always trying to impress people and, and it was, it was amazing. I was down at Tonopah for a couple months and I, I managed to obtain a southern accent. Get a load of that, huh. They didn't even speak with a southern accent down there,

but I picked one up. And so in any case,

my manageability and managing my life just never, never seem to work too well. I ended up ended up going to

ended up going to Billings living in a drug house, sobering up and how I sobered up as I went through an AA meeting, went to an AA meeting and somebody told me about Jesus. I accepted into my heart, became a born again Christian and six months later I'm off to go be a minister. And because I didn't need AAI had God and I was cured of alcoholism and and I honestly believed that I was cured of alcoholism.

And two years later, I was laying in my top bunk and in the dorms

and my mind was racing just uncontrollably. It wouldn't slow down. And I literally thought I was going nuts. And, and I was, I was going nuts. I was going crazy. If Chad was Jesus, I was his prophet. And and that's, that's what was going on. I was going absolutely crazy. And the only time I ever felt that way

was when I drank. It's the only time I ever felt that way. And the only thing that was going to cure it was not gone. It was, it was there was another solution for me, no matter how temporary it was, it was a relief and it was getting drunk. And so I partied it up again and stayed sober, stayed sober for a while for about,

you know, I stayed, I stayed drunk for six months and then I was sober on and off from there on out. And I would jump in and out of a A and I just couldn't get this thing. I could not, I didn't understand alcohol.

It wasn't the fact that, you know, I wanted something. You bet I wanted, there needed to be an answer for me because I couldn't figure it out. And I knew that I didn't have all of the answers. I knew I had most of them, but not all of them. And so I would go to a A and then I would leave a A and I would go and study philosophy and that wasn't the answer. And then I would go back to a A and then I would go with here and then I would come back to a A and I would try all these different things. And really all I got was a $22,000 debt, college debt

and

the philosophical answer to life, which there is none. And and I'm back in a A, you know, and it's like, what the heck, What's going on here? I would come and sit in these rooms. I just did not get it. I would, I would sit there and people would talk about, talk about their, their experiences. And what I heard at the time when I was going to a A, the experiences I heard was like, yeah, I was driving 100 miles an hour.

Yeah, I was doing this. And yeah, I was doing that. So it became a big giant one up. Yeah, I'm going to one up you.

So my concept of an AA meeting was just one up in people. You know, it's like, well, OK, well, if you did all that, well, I did this and more, you know, and just start making crap up and inside my head and, and thinking I did all these things and I just and then I'm thinking, is this supposed to keep me sober? And I would, I would leave, you know, I'd do it for a couple weeks and then I would take off and then maybe I would come back,

you know, but during this, during these little cycles, it would be like a three month cycle. I'd get drunk or six month or nine month, it didn't matter. It was somewhere in there

and it just didn't matter. I would just end up taking off and the first month, the first month I would stay sober. It was a it was great, man. I was cloud 930 days later, I got my life back again, got a job and you know, things are going good. I don't need a a anymore. A A cured me, you know, by one up in people, you know, So definitely boosted my ego. And. And so now I'm now I'm going every once in a while, the A, A, a meetings and

getting a little edgy. And

my kids would ask me a question. Now, before, when I was doing a, A Yeah. What's up? OK. Yeah, you bet. Second month, they asked me a question. What? Yeah. Yeah. Third month, they'd asked me a question. Gosh, kid, what do you want? You know, And that's what I would do. And I would yell and I would scream and I would punch holes in the wall and I would rip the phone out of the wall and throw it across the room. And my kids would watch me do all this. And the only thing that's going to cure that madness is drinking. And that's what I did. I drank. And it was the only thing. It was

because when I took that drink, it was just a OK, I'm going to be all right now because it's the only solution I know. I don't know how to live life and I have no clue how to live life. Really no idea. And

but there is a solution I have to live in life. And that was drinking and, and I use it as far as I could. And I finally met a bunch of a group of guys and started doing what they were doing

roundups. They were going to all these meetings. So I started doing things like that and, and I got a sponsor. And the reason why I got them was because he had something I wanted. It was the first person I ever identified with, you know, on how he felt. It was, you know, he, he actually explained how he would feel. And I never heard anybody talk like that in a A and I was like, I feel that way. And so I got him as a sponsor and he started having me do some things and things went great for the first couple years. And,

and I wasn't willing to take all of his suggestions. And I went back to Plentywood, you know, and you know, I had grandiose dreams going back to Plenty Wood with 1500 people living in that town of stardom and, and money. And I ended up working my father-in-law's bar and with two years of sobriety. Yeah, it was, it was a, it was pretty whacked out. And during this time, I met a guy named Ben. And Ben,

you know, Ben. Ben was a great guy. He saved my life because Ben was chronic. He was just like me. He was a chronic drunk.

And this guy was great. You know, when I first met Benny at Tatts, you know, he always had the tats. He didn't get rid of those, but he had these tats all over him. And he had this long rocker hair. He looked like Axel Rose and suck. I need a sponsor. And I'm like, I'll sponsor you. So we went through the book one time and that was it. And yeah, I see him one day and he cuts all of his hair off. All of his hair is completely cut off short. He's like, yeah, I cut all my hair off. And I'm like, I see that Ben. And he's like, yeah, I just did it because I, I thought

if I could just be like you. And I'm like, well, man, mine's mine isn't by choice, you know, of course the sideburns are, the top isn't. And but yeah, he, he, he wanted this thing bad. And, you know, it was, it was crazy because, I mean, he would just show up at the oddest times. Sunday morning, me and the family are sitting down there eating breakfast and, and I see a shadow go through the window. And I see one go by the window and here comes Ben looking in the window, all drunk from an all nighter, you know. And then another time we're driving,

just out for a drive. And there he is laying in my front yard. And you ever see those, those when they tape you when you're in the movies, when they tape you as a dead guy? And you're like, like that. Yeah, Well, that's what he was in our front yard and all these beer cans around him, like my wifes like, oh, my God. And I'm like, wow, we'll pull over here. And she's like going over to thunking them, you know, kicking them. I think he's dead. And no, he wasn't dead. He was just passed out waiting for me. And

so I took him home and

but and I took him to the state roundup that year.

And it was that year that thing started to really change for me. And Ben took off. I don't really know what happened to him, but the he gave me something to, to want because I was miserable there. I was completely immeasurable. I was without drink. And I knew at that point in time that drinking for me was, you know, I'm not going to go down that road, not again.

I was down it before. And the only opt out now is just do myself in or, or go to where there's some support. And I knew a bunch of guys in Minot. And that's where I went, moved back there, got a job and my sponsor began to take me through the steps and, and my life slowly started to change. And

the, the biggest, the biggest part I had, or the biggest problem I had was with step three. It was a, you know, I had, no, I had no problem writing things down and spilling my guts. But when it came to the God thing, I'll tell you what, I had a big problem with that because it's funny how we get resentful at everybody or at people we really don't know or talk to. It's like that guy looked at me funny. I don't like him. You know, we just automatically decide that we don't like somebody, you know, Well, this, this thing with God was huge. It was phenomenal

and

it, my sponsor was patient with me. You know, it took a while to go through the agnostics and so forth. And coming out of there, coming out of step three and turning my will in my life over to his care as I understood him was, was a, was a life changing thing for me. I used to think that if I go through these steps, I used to think that I'm going to have God's going to be waiting for me at the end of this tunnel. And you know, it just wasn't that way. My sponsor said, no, he's not going to be waiting for you. You know, you're going to take him with you

and he's going to be with you the whole way. You just got to realize that he's there and you know, and so that's the mindset I took, took in these steps and it was absolutely amazing. You know, he would, he would explain those things that were explained to me that, you know, at first, I always, I always thought that, that a a was a numbers game because, you know, now I'm, I'm getting three years sober, going on four years sober. And I'm thinking, man, I should be sponsoring tons of guys or something, you know, and what am I doing wrong?

And I would just think these things, I was just driving me nuts. And he would say, you're not doing anything wrong because you do a A it's, it's one alcoholic working with another. He would, I would, it was explained not one alcoholic working with a single new guy. And you know, that was it. That was a big thing. So I started, I just started working with others, working with others. If I sponsored you, I didn't care.

I'd still work with you, you know, and, and those were the things, those were the actions that that he gave me, you know, doing, doing a, A and what does it really mean to me? You know,

Alcoholics Anonymous in my life today is it's an amazing deal because I practice Alcoholics Anonymous at home. I practice it at work. I practice it here in the meetings and pretty much anywhere I go. Just like, just like the book says, you know, we practice these principles in all of our affairs. And sometimes, you know, I screw them up bad. I screwed up way bad. And I'm thinking, gosh, what the heck am I doing, you know? And then this ego thing pumps in my head, you know? Oh.

Sober, you're nine years sober, you should be doing this right, You know, and really just shows me, hey, man, I'm human and I'm going to make mistakes and I'm going to continue to make mistakes, but by the grace of God, I'll learn from them. And you know, the, the life I have today is unimaginable. It really is because nine years ago, I never thought that I would have the things that I have today. But my, my, my very first sponsor, Jeff V asked me what I wanted out of life. And I told him I want I want a house and I want a good job

and I want my family because at that time, my relationship with my wife and as me being a father to my children, it wasn't too hot because I just thought just about me. You know, in a relationship when one person just thinks about them isn't going to fly very well. And but I got all those things and more, a lot more. You know, if you're new tonight,

you got to keep coming back. If you don't have a sponsor, get one.

I'll tell you what, a sponsor in my life has been the most critical aspect ever. I mean, man, I, I can't explain it enough. You know, I, I spoke about when I came into a A and I didn't know what I was doing. Well, the only reason why I figured something out was because I had someone showing me what to do and that was a sponsor. That's why I got it. You know, that's, that's why you got to get one. If you don't have one, get a sponsor because you can't do this on your own and you're not meant to do this on your own. This is a WE program and

I'd be dead today if it wasn't for somebody given me an unemotional point of view of my life. Because I screw things up bad and and I still do. I have a choice if I want to take my sponsor suggestions or not. If I choose not to take it, I can reap the consequences. If I choose to take it, I can reap the benefits. It's up to me.

You want to turn your phone off? Thank you.

It's up to me and

you know, it's amazing. This program is a free gift. And there's a there's a saying, but for the grace of God, there go I and, and if anybody doesn't know what grace is, it's it's an undeserved gift. I don't deserve the things that I have today. I don't deserve to have friends like you. I don't deserve to have a a beautiful wife and and great kids. I don't deserve those things because the kind of guy I am,

I should be dead literally either by drinking too much or blowing my head off one of the other.

That's that's the kind of guy I am. We're living under a bridge because I was definitely an unmanageable drunk. I couldn't hold a job for the life of me. But but I was giving something that's completely undeserved. And it was by taking a few suggestions that I didn't believe in suggestions from another man that I that I had great respect for and and still do So with that. If you're new, keep coming back. It works. If you don't have a sponsor, get one. Thank you.