The Tuesday night Surrender Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Portland, ME

Thanks, Benjamin. I'm lazy. I'm not talking an addict

and just bear with me and take me a couple minutes to get warmed up up here. But you know, I have basically when I share my story, I like to just be as honest as possible and you know, basically just tell you guys what it was like for me,

you know, before I started drinking, during my drinking and using what happened to me and then what it's like for me today.

So I come I'm from Boston, MA and I started, you know, drinking at a relatively young age

and the first time I took a drink of of alcohol, I definitely remember that feeling. I remember that feeling like they described in the big book of alcohol synonymous, the sense that these in comfort that came at once when I took my first drink.

What I come to realize now, having gone through

the steps and having been in recovery, is that my problems with drugs and alcohol came long before I ever picked up a drink or a drug. My I spoke a couple weeks ago at a Sunday night meeting and like the way I describe, like the person that I was as a child or as a young adult was full of fear, scared of everything.

I was way too overwhelmed by like the world basically. I, I remember being a, a younger kid and

being like, there's no way I'm gonna ever be able to navigate this world. It's, it's too complicated. It's too, it's, there's too much going on. I'm just, I'm really, really nervous. I'm really nervous to live. And, you know, prior to ever picking up a drink or a drug, I had that fear that crippled me in so many ways. And, you know, I attended suicide as a young child.

You know, I was seeing therapist when I was five years old. Like there was something wrong with me,

but when I drank for that first time, I I was for the first time in my life, comfortable in my own skin. I was, oh, for like the first time ever.

So what happened to me was, you know, I drank. I drank casually. I drank on the weekends. I couldn't wait to drink. I, I, you know, I put myself in, you know, situations as a young kid, you know, collecting money and standing outside of the mall waiting for guys that I thought were old enough to buy for me. Like, I already made silly decisions

based on my love of foods, you know?

So even, you know, even

even then, even though I wasn't, I would say I hadn't crossed that invisible line yet into what I would call today, you know, an alcoholic. I definitely was already making sacrifices and compromising to drink. So basically I continued on like that for a really long time. Just, you know, like many of us probably in here, I went to parties, I hung out, you know, I, I, I probably made some really poor

as far as like men go and, and, you know, sex and all that good stuff that we get ourselves involved in when we're under the influence and we probably shouldn't. But you know, I went through all of that and I, I grew up pretty much, you know, other than,

you know, I would, I would have to say I didn't have,

you know, I didn't have a terrible life.

But for me, I guess the only way I can describe it is I was everywhere I, I went, I was, if that makes any sense to you guys. I went with me everywhere I went and I couldn't stand me. So the problem or, or you know, my solution to that was to drink and do drugs. And it worked for me

for a really long time. I honestly believe, like if I hadn't found booze and drugs, like, I probably would have killed myself a long time ago. That's, I truly believe that. But for me, I went, you know, I went, I, I, I covered up a lot of my abuse of alcohol and drugs with, you know, doing right in society's eyes. I got straight A's. I played sports, I traveled, I,

I was president of every club you can imagine. Like, I definitely overcompensated so that

I could hide my drinking and drugging, you know, from the people around me. I graduated from high school and I went on to college

and I went to a really good college.

You know, I, I basically at that point, I, I can honestly remember having, you know, on my way to college and, you know, I already, pretty much, I already, I hadn't developed a drug habit at that point, but I was definitely, you know, drinking more heavily at that point in time.

But when I went away to college, I really realized for the first time that, you know, I was getting older and that I had to start like making decisions and I had to start living, living life. And, and that scared me to death. And so for me, I, you know, I basically, I blotted all that out with drugs and alcohol. I was really too afraid to do anything.

So in college I became addicted to Oxycontin,

which later led to, you know, using a intravenous needle. I was a cocaine addict. And, you know, I, I used heroin to come down from the cocaine, but I went from, you know,

a, you know, a, I guess my family would say like a girl with a promising future to, you know, a pretty, pretty big junkie in, you know, four years, or I should say less than that. But

you know, that's pretty much like, you know, I don't that's pretty much what happened to me as far as like my, my drinking and drugging goes, which is really not even the important part of the story. That's really just what we all go through. But let me just back up a little bit to let you know. Well, it's not back up. But once I graduated college, my my my senior year in college, I graduated and I had a job in New York City.

I was going to be a teacher in an inner city school, and the day before I was supposed to be for New York, I called them and said I wasn't coming. I decided that it would be a better idea to stay in waitress in Boston,

mostly because I was afraid that which sounds really silly to me today, that I wouldn't be able to find my drugs in New York. I know. But at the time I knew where they were and I knew how to get them and I was too afraid. So I, you know, I made a decision to not go take a job based on the fact that I,

I needed my drugs. I had been, I had sent since then, you know, probably a couple years prior to that cross. What you know, I'll describe later is that invisible line that sent me, you know, past the point of of no return.

And you know, when I first I graduated, I didn't go as day back. I stayed in Boston. I waitressed, I picked up another waitressing job. Oh yes, I'm very successful and wonderful. You know, I am A, at this point, I'm a complete disaster.

You know, I'm, I'm never 90 lbs soaking wet. I was really, really sick. And what happened to me was I, I drove to the Tobin Bridge and I climbed on top of like the second story. And I, you know, called my mother and I said, you know, this is it. I'm done. You know, I can't live like this anymore. And, you know, put the phone down and I stared over the edge

and it was like the blackest, most darkest thing like I've ever seen in my life. And you know, I don't know

if I was like chicken or what was happening, but I, you know, obviously I didn't jump on here, but I was pondering it and pondering it and crying and you know, what am I going to do? You know, I, I can't go on like this, but I can't get better. I so I ended up getting pulled down from the from the bridge from a man in a red pickup truck. To this day, I don't know who it was, but he pulled me down.

I then got into my car, speed away, and the police were chasing me. My, you know, my mother had called in a suicide attempt. It was pretty ugly.

Landed myself in Boston, Boston Medical Center in a locked ward in a padded room. You know, pretty much they were, I was, you know, a psychopath at that point. So, you know, I remember at that point, you know, the gig was up, Right. OK. Like, my family knows I just tried to commit suicide. You know, I'm definitely, you know, I probably don't have things under control.

And for me, I ended up coaxing my way like we do so well, out of Boston Medical Center and telling my parents, I knew, you know, I knew what what I could do would be different. I knew, excuse me, I knew what the problem was and I just needed to stop using.

So that was my beginning of, you know, my introduction into recovery.

When I first got into recovery, I, you know, I went into a detox. I was for the first time in my entire like 10 years of using, I was actually detox from all like

drugs. I had not been off of drugs for about eight or nine years at that point. I consistently used and I went into a treatment facility and I said, you know what, I'll give this a try. And, and you know, for me, I got out and I, I did what they told me to do, 90 and 90 got a sponsor. You know, I did all this stuff and it was about six months. I've been in the treatment locked up, you know, pretty much for three months. So now I'm on my own for another three months and I'm on my way to a meeting one day

and my car just works right down the driveway of the dealer's house and, and you know, it was, that was it for me. I was using again.

So

up to this point, like for me, I had no idea what was really going on. I had no idea what it meant to be an alcoholic or a drug addict. I had no idea that alcohol and drugs were the answer to my problems and that my problems were me that are full of fear that I was, you know, I was in constant collision with the world. I was

basically trying to manage my life based on like ego and self righteousness and and I believe

in my heart of hearts, the world owed me that. I was a, you know, basically I felt like I was an alien from another planet and that I didn't belong here. But if I was gonna have to be here, the new people better be nice, you know? I mean, that was pretty much what it was like for me.

Every single thing I did when I look back today, I mean, I didn't realize and I didn't even mean to be such a such an ugly person, but I really, really was. You know,

this is a little tangent, but I was talking to my mom today on the phone and I don't know if you guys, when you guys are doing stuff, sometimes those evil things that you've done, they come back and your stomach like jumps and you're like, Oh, I remember when I did that awful thing. But I was talking to my mom today and I I was, I was thinking how just two years ago I was calling her. I don't want to swear, but because it's not right, but a bitch. And I was like swearing at her, telling her how much I hated her and what ACUNT she was and all this stuff. I mean, this is how

my mother,

who like would have died for me, you know, and it is sick. It is sick what I did to my family, what I did to my friends, what it did to the people that loved me. But but I only have come to that place by having taken steps and having learned what it meant to be a real addict and a real alcoholic. So in that time when I, when I had been sober for that six months, what that looked like for me was help.

It was like help. I was, you know, I was trapped in my own body. I remember just driving down the street going please God, please God, give me a drink. Please give me a drink. Please give me. That's like all I could say over and over

my head. I was in prison, right? I mean, so I was better off hi, because at least I could do things.

So, you know, I used at at that point and I continued on for another three years in and out of a a in and out of recovery. You know, I began a needle habit. I began to, you know, use intravenous drugs at my went through all my money. I started stealing. I started cheating, lying using on the job. Not, you know, all these all these different things breaking the law constantly. Obviously being when I was getting high was but, you know, getting arrested, losing jobs,

you know, this is that that was what it looked like for me. You know, when those 2 1/2 years after I was introduced to recovery

or sobriety, you know, really I was, I was just a dear, you know, in the headlights. Is that what they say? That's what I was. You know, I was absolutely out of my mind and I had no idea what was going on.

So what happened to me was I ended up I ended up using drugs one night and I ended up I started using drugs intravenously like I said, and I was shooting them up in my neck and I got cut off my airway and was in the ICU for three days. Like they, they didn't have to intubate me, but they, that's why I was in the ICU because I had basically closed off my, my breathing airway. So

when I came to in the, in the ICU, I was, you know, I, I remember laying there and my mom and aunt and my son's over there and they said, you know what's going to be different? And I was like, oh, don't worry about it. I know what I'm going to do. I just got to stop shooting coke and you know, that that's the only thing I have to do. So I had all the answers, but I had just lost my job. Obviously I was shooting up in the bathroom and they found all the needles and the blood all over the ceiling. And I was really bad at that. And so

they, you know, I like in like on my deathbed, the guys like, yeah, you're not coming back to work. I'm like but why?

Like I'm such a good employee only once.

So what happened at that point was I

believe for the first time, like I honestly had some sort of spiritual experience at that moment.

I was willing for the first time willing, that's it. Willing to maybe understand that my way wasn't working. And then I really had to take some suggestions. So I go to, you know, the detox I went to like 100,000 times before and I went back again and you know, I'm sitting there and they're like, well, what's going to be different? And I honestly, I didn't know, but my sponsor said to me at the time, you need long term treatment now. I wasn't willing to

give up anything. I wasn't willing to ever take any suggestions that inconvenience me. You see, I had to get home to my job and to my friends and to everything that was important because I was so successful and so wonderful and everybody loved me. Really everybody didn't want me around. Nobody could stand me. I was a complete nightmare and I was a train wreck and my friends didn't even want me around that, let alone my family. And but like, I really thought that that was where I needed to be for some, you know, for all those times coming in detox,

this time I listened to somebody. It had to have been God because there's no way on my own and I would have done that and I did. I went to into a long term treatment facility. It's funny because I ended up staying there for 3 1/2 months, but it was really like one of these two to three-week deals. And when I told my sponsor, you know, I'm going, it's only three weeks. She's like, that's not long term, but like it was a step for me. It was, it was a little to me, that was a long time, three weeks, you know.

So what happened to me?

Umm, you know, at this, at the street facility that I went to, they, they, they gave me this book and they gave me a notebook and they said that's all you, you know, that's all you're gonna need in a pen. And I was like, you know, what are these people talking about? Like, no, that's not all I need. I need my perfume. I need, they wouldn't let me have my perfume. They wouldn't. And this is how I was. I was like, no, I need this and I need this and I need all these things to be OK. And there was no really, all you need is this. And I was like, what are these people talking about? These people are crazy.

Umm, don't they know who I am? But I went, I got there and I was introduced to the 12 steps and I get really pumped about this, so don't mind me if I become animated, but I was introduced to the 12 steps and right at the beginning it talks about how people can recover from alcoholism. Now I sat in a A for a long time and I was sober for 10 months on strictly on fear and like, you know, moving on to the edge of my seat,

you know, for for fear really, because I was afraid to pee dirty and go to jail. It was honestly it, it kept me, it kept me clean for that long.

But the second I got off probation, I was in a junked car because I worked at a tow company. It was a job going to be a junk tower. And I opened the book about and there were needles and there who God knows who's and next thing I know I was shooting coke in the bathroom at work. So clearly being afraid didn't keep me sober. You know, it kept me clean for as long as it had it could, but I was using as soon as I got off probation. But what I, what I learned, I mean, excuse me, but when I, when I got to this place and I opened

and I opened up the book and they, you know, they talked about being recovered from alcoholism and drug addiction. I was like, bullshit, you know, excuse my language, but there's no way you don't ever recover. That's what they say. You know, you're recovering alcohol or addict.

And you know, that was pretty much like my first indication of in my experience, OK, these people are different. There's something different going on here. They're talking about recovering

and being recovered from alcoholism. They are the people that were there at this place and their their addicts and Alcoholics just like me. They actually have a life. They get up in the morning, they brush their teeth, they take showers, they they have nice clothes. Like they actually live a normal, what looks to me appears to be a normal life, whatever that looks like.

So I kind of tuned into what they said and I sat through my first big book session and

they went through what's called the doctor's opinion. It's the first chapter in the book, or it's actually not a chapter. It's the beginning practice or whatever to the book. But, and they talked to me about what it means to be an alcoholic in an addict. And my, what they described to me was that there are two things that make us an alcoholic and then add it to one is our, is our mind and, and mental session we have around drugs and alcohol. And two is our body that we're physically different. That, you know, my best friend Carly

drinks and drugs just like I do, but stops at a certain point. She doesn't suffer from what I have in my body and that's an allergy that's a that's a basically a like an allergy to anything. Once I start drinking or drugging, I can't stop. I don't know when I'm going to stop. I don't know where I'm going to end up. I only know that I need to be stopped by force or by running out of money or by passing out. I don't really ever know when I'm going to stop. See, Carly could drink a drug just.

With the best of us. But she didn't have that allergy, so she's not an alcoholic or an addict. She could stop whenever she said so she could.

So I learned I, I mean, I'm listening to this and I'm like, Oh my God, yell at this makes sense. Like I never know when I'm when I can stop and, and I just keep going and going and going like I like I, I say, mom, I swear I'm just going to have one, but I don't ever come home. And I say to myself, you know, I'm just going to, you know, it's my cut the next day. It says Friday night and the next day my cousin's wedding and I'm in the wedding and I'm just going to have a few drinks, maybe even shoot up a little bit. But

you know, I mean, I really did that. But what I told myself.

But I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine for the wedding. Now it goes. Friday night happens and all day Saturday, and I'm drinking and doing drugs and all of a sudden, Saturday at 5 and I'm supposed to have my hair appointment and have the dress on and yeah, Right. Like, I'm not stopping. There's no way, you know? I mean, my mother would plead with me. My father would plead with me. Please, tonight, just come home. We need you to come home. OK. I'll just have one and I will start. And I have no idea when I was going to stop.

So, so that's

so I identified with that. I related with that. I said, Oh my God, I do. I have what you're talking about that allergy. And then they talked about the mental obsession that we suffer. And they're talking to me and they're saying, you know, or excuse me, they're reading out of this book that's, you know, written however many years ago. And it's saying exactly what, you know, what it, what it's like to be in my shoes, in my head and my, you know, in my life. And they're talking about the, the mental obsession that even though when I do stop

that I can't stay stop that I'm constantly thinking about it, right? Like it's running my life. So I'm at work for, you know, for those I don't know, for, for a day, right? And I wake up and I don't get high that morning and I don't drink and I get to work and

it's like 5 minutes and I'm like, Oh my God, when can I do it again? Morning. Can I do it again? When can I do it again? That's all I'm saying. All day long. And you know, of course it used to be at 9:30 when the ship was over the waitressing ship, then it was 8:30. Then it was calling people while on waitress, waiting on tables and being like, OK, bring me this and I'll meet you here. And then it's I'm just drinking at 10 in the morning. I mean, because the obsession is so great that I can't, I can't even compel. I can't even overcome it.

And and not only that, but the obsession to me looks like

also I can be not even

not even thinking about alcohol or drugs. I can have been, you know, without it for for some time. And then the second I think about it, I'm off That's it. I'm done. Like there is no if and there's no defense against it. You know, there's no, I don't think about the consequences. I don't rationalize it. That's actually what the mental obsession is. It's a it's an irrational, like it's a unrational response or something like this. That's like persistent. And I don't know, you even look at this definition, but

really it's just whatever it is, it sucks.

It really does. It's it's a terrible thing and it boggles my mind, right? It absolutely put me out. It was more,

it was more the mental obsession was more frustrating to me than I think the allergy because I was like, honest to God, I don't want to use. I I would go to work in the morning and thank God, we like, I don't even want to use. And the second I would think about it, I would be using it. It was just the most amazing thing, you know, I've ever most unbelievable thing I've ever experienced because I just couldn't believe that I had no mental control over over this problem.

So basically,

you know, I get, I get into, I start getting into the book and they describe to me what it's like to be an Addison alcoholic like I just described to you. So if you can relate to any of that, like that's what it's like when you're an addict or an alcoholic. You, you, you have this mental obsession that you can't overcome. You can't rationalize through it. You can't imagine that you have to be at a wedding, you know, the next day or, or anything like that. You know, you get the idea to use and you use.

I know one of the one of the more important things I learned too was that

when I had first been in a a you know, I always talk about triggers, right? So I didn't even understand because everything was a trigger to me. Life was a trigger. I was really miserable and I would you know, if, if basically, if I had to stay sober and avoid all triggers, like I would need a diaper because I couldn't go bathroom because I used in every bathroom. I couldn't, you know, I couldn't, I wouldn't be able to leave. Like I wouldn't be able to be anywhere because I used in my house and I, I use every person I saw reminded me of drugs everywhere. I

reminded me of of using so basically like it triggers or, you know, if triggers are just staying out of seedy bars and, and bad places and, and changing my phone number, you know, those are all good things. But if that was my answer to how I was going to get better, I was screwed.

Absolutely screwed, because there was number way I could avoid all the triggers. I mean, life was my trigger, right? I drank and drugged when it was sunny, when the Red Sox won on the Red Sox lost, when the Patriots won, when the Patriots lost. You know, I drank, but my mother yelled at me. I drank when my mother was proud of me. I drugged when my father was drinking and being a lunatic, and I drugged when he wasn't. So really

what what came to me was not not nothing. I can't avoid triggers.

And also what what came to my like attention at this point was that I didn't drink for any other reason besides the fact that I like the effects produced by alcohol and drugs.

And that was also something that came out of the doctor's opinion. The doctor's opinion is like a fabulous part of the book. If anybody has yet to go through it, it's pretty eye opening. But you know, it says right in there that I drink because I like the effects produced by alcohol. And I can remember thinking for so many years what the reason for my drinking was, you know, my dad was an alcoholic and so I kind of grew up, you know, fine. But like, it was definitely hectic,

you know, it was a lot of gallon and screaming and pillows over my ears. So that must be why I drink. You know,

I, I really, really, you know, always try to put my finger on what the, what the reason for my drinking and drugging was.

And you know, it come to find out is I like it. I like the way it makes me feel. It takes me out of myself. It gets me, makes me feel comfortable. I can talk to you or I can function.

You know, That's why I do it.

But because I'm mentally and bodily different than your average drinker or heavy drinker or moderate drinker, I, you know, I don't have the luxury of drinking and driving anymore. So I, I, like I said, I continued to sit through these big books and more and more was revealed to me. I realized that or I was, it was pointed out to me that I was, I was selfish, that I was egotistical,

that I was trying to arrange the world to suit me, that I was only happy if you were doing what I wanted. And I was, you know, and I was getting what I wanted. I was, I was, I really, really believed that everybody was out to get me. I believe that there was a black cloud over me that I had like really bad, must be really bad. Block had nothing to do with me, but I really did. I believe that I had really bad luck

for a long time.

Umm, I pointed the finger. I blamed, I blamed everybody else for my problems. I never took responsibility for anything I did. I was, I was really sick. I was a really, really sick person. And what I learned was that alcohol and drugs were my solution and that I was my problem. So if I was ever going to get better, I needed to find a new solution. And

you know, going through this book,

umm, they pointed out to me that there is a solution. You know, it's a chapter in the book it describes,

it describes this, this relationship to the world, this relationship to a higher power. That if you can actually be willing to believe that there's something greater than you, that that you know that there's something out there that makes the world go around or however you want to say it, and that that it has the power to heal you, that it has the power to

to change you. You know, if you can believe in that and you can seek it out that it has the power to, to,

you know, you seek it out and, and it meets you halfway is basically the, he's basically just of what I got. So, you know, I'm at this point where I, I tried everything else, right? I mean, I tried to just drink. I tried to just snort drugs. I tried to just not shoot them. I tried to go to, I lived in Australia one time all that, that was really fun. I lived there for six months and I convinced myself I wasn't a drug addict because I couldn't find any drugs. So I just drank 24 hours straight.

But like, that was my justification. I'm not a drug addict because I lasted seven months without drugs, but I was in oblivion the whole time.

You know, I, I can't, I, I basically lost my just lost my chain of thought. What was it saying? But do you remember what I was saying? Australia. But before Australia. What was my point?

I tried everything. I tried everything

under the sun to fix them, but this is fun. We're amongst friends, right? I could be myself,

so I'm silly. So I tried everything under the sun to get better. I mean, I, you know, like I said, I went to Australia. I did all these crazy outrageous things, you know, to try to to try to make myself.

And at this point, I, I had exhausted all my options. I know you guys must relate to that in some on some level, I really had an exhausted all my options. So this idea of like that there's something out there governing this world that's greater than me

and that if I seek it out, it will help me to get better. Well, that was my best option because I didn't have any other options. And like, I really honestly, like I was going to die. I was going to die if not by like the drugs and alcohol, I was putting it to my body. I was going to blow my brain. So and I, I, there was just no way I could go on. I either had to get it or I had to like that saying from Shawshank Redemption, get busy living or get busy dying because like

screwed. So, you know, I accepted. I accepted the ideas outlined in the book. I accepted this idea of a higher power. That's it. I just started simple. I just started praying for little things like

to be kind, to be generous, to be compassionate, to be nice to my mother when I called her, to be happy for my father when he talked to me. You know, instead of always taking, taking, did taking. I asked God to help me, to give a little,

to ask people how their day was going, not to sit there and rant and rave for an hour about how bad my day was going, you know, I mean, that's what I did. And I wondered why I got in fights with people all the time, you know, I, I wonder why I was in constant collision with the world. Well, I was such a taker

and never a giver and, and you know, I, I didn't know, I didn't know what I didn't know. I, I didn't know this about myself. I really didn't I, I honestly,

you know, I didn't. And when it was finally like spoon fed to me that like, you're a selfish person and you really, really try to control everything and use everything to your advantage. You know, I really, I really started to open my eyes because I couldn't argue with that. I, I had the experiences to back it up.

I believe that these people were saying. So what I did is I took a third step. I made a commitment to God to continue on with the, the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. When I made a, when I took a third step, you know, it wasn't this like white light didn't come down and like strike me new and, and all that stuff, but it definitely I felt something. I felt something for the first time, some sort of connection. Now for me, I didn't have an issue believing in God because I've seen some really

things in the world like sunsets and and lakes and oceans and I've been to Australia. It's a beautiful, beautiful place and I've seen some pretty amazing things. That to me makes me think that there's something else out there, you know, that there's something bigger than us out there to create this beauty that I see in the world. So I didn't have a hard time hooking on to that idea that there was a God and that I could seek him and he could be found.

So I took a third step. I went on to write an Unhonest and you know, an honest and thorough inventory

and, and what what an inventory is, is a Sacramento, excuse me, a resentment, a fear and a sex inventory. So, you know, when I was first introduced to the staff, so a while ago, there was the festivore on the wall. And I remember saying, and this was like a really you know, this was like 2 years before I got sober this last time. So it was like in 2005 or something like that. And

I remember looking on the wall and I was like, I don't have resentment. Like I don't even have any resentments against anybody. Everything's fine.

And, you know, my, I write a resentment inventory and it was 150 people long, so I was really, really mistaken.

But that's not the first time that I've been wrong about things. So I wrote a, I wrote a resentment inventory and A and a fear inventory and a sex inventory. Basically what that experience was like for me was absolutely amazing. I put down on paper all these things that I had against people

and the world and the purpose of the inventory right was to, you know, they call it in the book like house cleaning or something like that. But for me too, it was also, and they also refer to it as the book. As you know, in that there is a solution part they talk about like you really need to like rearrange all your ideas. And I don't know, I can't quote the book, but it's something about like realigning yourself with like what what's actually, you know, going on in the world because like, see, I'm over here and everybody else is doing what's like like looks like life. And I'm like, I would be a, somewhere being like a

so like I need to like get rid of all these ideas and I need to like get rid of all this crap that's burying me and separating me from God and from other people and preventing me from living any sort of normal life. I need to get rid of that all. And the exercise they tell me to do in here is to write it down on paper and, and to go through it and to take every resentment and to basically look at it and put, put what the other person did aside and see where I was at fault. See where

I was fearful, dishonest, self seeking or selfish? And that's a pretty amazing,

it's a pretty amazing exercise. I, you know, when I first started to write it, my mom was the first one. And, and I remember just breaking down in tears because I, I hated her for so many things. And I couldn't believe that they were all of my own making, you know, that they were all of my own making. You know, I, I, I definitely could, I could easily see in my resentment inventory that my life was unmanageable with drugs and alcohol because there were some consequences that I paid. And I definitely got to get sick. And you get skinny and you get lazy and you get,

and you, you get like a really, you know, bad time from using a lot of drugs and booze. But what I saw in my inventory was that my life was just as unmanageable without drugs and alcohol. I was just as crazy. So it just reiterated the fact to me again that I was, you know, that I was the problem

that it, it was, it wasn't the drugs and alcohol, which I thought for so long was I probably, if I could just stop drinking and doing drugs, I'll be fine.

You know, I'll just, I'll get the right boyfriend. I'll get an apartment, I'll get a car, I'll get a good job. I'll stop waitressing, you know, I'll fix, I'll fix everything with all these outside things. And

my experience proved to be that it was none of those outside things that the happiness that I was ever going to find was to come from within. And it was to come from a relationship with a higher power. And and it was to come from following through with, you know, the steps that I started out with. I, I read it in I read my inventory. I went on to write a fear in a sex inventory, sat down with another person and God, and I read it

and I, I, then I meditated for an hour to ask everything

that I just read to be removed. And then I said a prayer. I, I, you know, I, and that was 5-6 and seven,

which I did in a day. And then I went on, I made an amends list and I, I became willing to make amends of the people that I had harmed, that

something that I never thought I would be able to do. But the steps that I took, the ones or seven before that helped me to get to a place where I could become willing to go back to these places and make amends for what I had done in the wrongs that I had done. And, and you know, the freedom for making an immense like I see. I would go back to my town and I would be like this, you know, like I was a train wreck. I, I was, you know, I was fighting with people all the time. I was, you know, I had boyfriends that were like,

you know, punching me and throwing me down steps. And I was like running through the, you know, running to their mother and crying. I mean, like, I just had me wreak havoc. You know, I really had really had wreaked havoc. And, you know, everybody knew. Everybody knew I tried to commit suicide twice. Everybody knew I was, you know, all these bad things. And and, you know, so going back and making amends for the wrongs I had done. And actually, after having made a few to the places I had worked within within my hometown,

I walked out of these amends. And and I like like it says in the book, like I walked a Freeman, like I held my head up high and I did not care

who I saw. Like I wasn't like, you know, I wasn't, I was, I just like didn't care. Like in other words, I wasn't like anticipating anything. But I just for the first time in my life, I had some relief from that awfulness in my head, that awful screaming that goes on in your head. I know for me, when the phone would ring or I'd see somebody I just want to talk to, I would just completely avoid everything. You know, I've looked at go like this. If I saw somebody,