The Tuesday night Surrender Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Portland, ME

So I mean, if you would and welcome them tonight's speaker jewelry.

Hi there. My name is Julie Perry. I'm I'm an alcoholic.

I'm really glad to be here.

I'm going to take one more moment of silence because I just need to get grounded.

Cool. So I guess it's great that I get to come up here and talk about, you know, the most important thing in my life,

this, this fellowship, this program and, and my sobriety. Like I still sometimes can't believe that I get to experience it. And I never thought that that it was going to be possible for me.

You know, I,

I was separated from alcohol on on May 22nd of 2006

and I guess I really didn't have too much to do with that because I've been trying to kind of make that happen for me for a really long time

and, and I wasn't getting any results. You know,

I have a really long history of relaxing in and out of alcohol synonymous.

A really long history of getting sober to relieve myself with a crazy crap and the insanity that I create in my life

when I'm drinking. And then a really long history to go back to drinking to get relief from me crazy, insane crap that I get into when I'm not right now. You know, and like, I really, really, really just thought I was crazy. And I had a whole bunch of doctors that have been telling me that my whole life. And, and I thought that like being OK and sober wasn't possible for me. I just didn't see how that could ever happen.

You know, Looking back,

I was just absolutely crippled with the spear my whole life where like, I just heard. I was just listening to this speaker CD and the guy was, the way he described it was like he could walk up to a group of people and like, he just knew by looking in their eyes. But like, they didn't want to be my friends. They thought I was a loser. I could just tell they had enough friends. They didn't. They didn't want to know me, you know,

And then like drinking, you know, and how that switched and now like, I just could tell you guys just loves me, you know,

like I thought that man, like drinking gave me relief.

It was a relief I've been looking for my whole life. I that crippling fear that I always experienced got me into some really weird situations. Just I remember I couldn't be honest because like the fear was so deep and it wasn't even important stuff that I lied about. It was just, I couldn't even like get the truth out sometimes because it was complicated and it would take like looking at you in the eye for like 30 seconds. I remember like being like 8 years old and like this girl invited me to her little slumper party, birthday party. And I specifically said you were in the hallway.

I just remember this because it's one of those moments. It was just profound to me for whatever reason. I remember saying to her, like, I can come. Well, two weeks later I show up at her birthday party and they were like, Oh, we weren't expecting you. And she's like, I thought you told me I can't come. I'm like, and I, I couldn't even say like, no, I said, can. I was just like, I don't know what you're talking about. Like I just got all like uncomfortable. Like I couldn't even stop and explain it to her. I just like, was like, I don't know how to handle this, you know? And I spent the entire slumber party feeling like a loser because like, they, they only had like eight birthday plates

instead of nine. And I was like the awkward, oops, you weren't expecting that. We weren't prepared for you. And I was like, and I would like be like, you know, I just ruined it, you know, And I was, that was that feeling that I had all the time, like,

and it didn't make sense. It was just always there. You know, I've come home from school in like the six at 6-7 years old and, and just be like, you know, tell my mom how much I hate myself. And then I'm dumb, you know, and that like, I, I don't like myself and I want to die and I can't show up at school

and right, like, like first grade, I'm like making up excuses why I can't show up. And I'm like sobbing to my mom, like, please don't make me go,

you know what I mean? Like I was just like destined for like quitting and not showing up. Like, so of course, like that was going to continue on through life. And, and later, you know, I had a really hard time showing up at jobs. I had this like emptiness in my, in my soul, like this darkness about me. And, and it was just like, I just didn't know why I didn't feel okay. So I started looking for ways to feel OK. And, and I think that's normal. If you don't, you know, like I just became this person who just desperately wanted some relief and, and that kind of became my mission.

So out of that came a whole lot of like selfishness and dishonesty. Like I'm going to do what I need to do to feel better. And I'm not really going to worry about how other people are feeling or what's going on with them. Completely like just completely missing the whole thing. Like never really connecting with people, always just thinking like I'm so different and not knowing why. And that's kind of how I operated in this world,

you know, other what that also looks like, you know, is like I'm 13 and I'm playing on the basketball team

and like, but like I can't like I'm all nervous and and like I was actually did like really great in practices, but then would like do terrible in the games because I was always full of self-centered fear and I just didn't. I just so awkward, you know?

Anyway, when I first got introduced to alcohol

it was probably somewhere around 131415. I just don't really remember how or when.

I know that almost like,

I feel like there was a maybe one or two times where I got to try it and and I and I got

right away. You know,

I was, it was just like that. It was like I, I got relief. I that thing just changed inside of me where all of a sudden that fear washed away. I felt normal, you know, I felt a part of,

you know, So it wasn't, it wasn't very long after that I became like a daily user.

You know, somewhere, I think somewhere around freshman, sophomore year, I started to use every day. And if I couldn't get alcohol, you know, I was drinking Robitussin and finding other things I could substitute and you know, going into school as a freshman and like honor student and stuff like that. And by junior year, I dropped out and, you know, anything that came in between me and my drinking, you know, my family, whatever I would, I would throw you under the bus, like get me

alcohol and get out of the way. So now and that's that's it. Like I just want relief. I was starting to ride along with drinking pain, like a lot of like really crazy behavior.

I really like I remember like being like 14 and had like never French kissed a boy. And I thought that meant I was like going to be like alone forever. It's like, Oh, my life is over, you know, and

so funny looking back and, you know, so like, I would get drunk and I'm really wanted like a boyfriend, you know? And

so I like it. I like hook up for these random guys. And like, but the funny part was like, each time I could think, oh, this is great. Like I got this boyfriend that's going to be so great. I really like, I like him, you know, And then like when it was just, I was drunk and he was drunk and, and, and that's that. And like, I would just end up feeling so shameful afterwards. Like I wake up the next morning like so disgusted with myself. And like, now I've got this reputation and I'm totally embarrassed,

you know what I mean? And now I'm like, now that feeling that I had when I had that feeling of being a loser beforehand. And now it's like, now I've got proof, you know what I mean? Now I know how I know I'm a loser.

Like I can't show up at school, you know what I mean? And not really propelled, really drinking every day. If it started off me running away from home, I like, I was freaking out. I just didn't know how to deal. I couldn't tolerate the way I felt. I couldn't tolerate anything. I started hanging out with like

people that were doing things I was doing so that it would feel better or that I had company or whatever,

you know, somewhere around that in somewhere in my junior year,

I left home and lived with my first boyfriend

and I was completely

crazy. I, I told a bunch of lies about my family so that it would make sense for me to have run away from home to live with him and his parents because it didn't make sense. I was like, why would I have left home? I was just, should be in school and all that stuff. So I, I told lies about my family and said like, Oh, they were, you know, unsafe to live with. And if you said or whatever, which is actually not the case, you know, and because I wanted to drink alcohol

and I could, if I was, you know,

I could be in that partying scene if I lived with him, you know, and that's like, I will, I will just nothing gets in between me and alcohol, you know, I will sacrifice everything, just anything.

And, you know, it's funny, like I was doing that and I was trying to be OK, but like deep inside I wasn't, you know, and I know that that's that's like my spirit is never like complete. Like my spirit was still there. And it's like it would come up in the form of guilt or shame or regret. You know, those nights when I couldn't sleep because I was all I was thinking about was like how I like, how was my mom doing? You know, And I knew I was like, I knew it was destroying her that I was doing these things, but I couldn't not make these choices

not do what I was, you know, and I knew I was like, I knew it was destroying her that I was doing these things, but I couldn't not make these choice. Like I couldn't not do what I was doing. And I would think about her and it would just, I would just my heart would ache. But I was doing and I would think about her and it would just I would just my heart would ache, but I just kept dwelling with it, You know what I mean? And it wasn't until I got

thrown out of that situation,

you know, my, I ended up going back home to my parents.

All they ever wanted was their like, they just wanted their little girl back, you know what I mean? Like they had just like loved me unconditionally my whole life. And all they wanted was their little girl to come home, you know, and they had chased me around town and showed up at the cops and all this craziness that I brought to this other family, you know, they just wanted me to come home. And, and so, you know, when his parents family was like, you can't liquor anymore,

I went home and, and I thought what that looks like was I tell my mom and dad, Oh, I, I realized that I've been making bad choices and I want to live with, you know, I want to like do the right thing because that's not the case. It was just like, you're in a place right now. You know, I, I was so dishonest and all I ever thought about was my niece.

So I went back home. Now I'm like I was when I lived there. I wasn't able to drink because

my boyfriend at the time had a real problem with the way I behaved when I drank Which

fence, But I was able to like, you know, substitute and like steal things from him and and so I did that. But all I ever I just risked, I really just wanted to bottle back like, Oh man, I just love.

And so I went back home and now I'm coming off of other stuff. My anxiety is unbelievable. I'm like trying to waitress at different jobs and I'm like freaking out all the time. I can remember like driving and I'm like pulling over inside the road, like thinking I'm having heart attacks and like just freaking out. I'd, I'd like to be in the middle of a work shift and not just like, you know, I, I would get like a fear would overcome me and I would, I would just, my vision would get blurry and, and I'd have to leave in the middle of the day. So I was like leaving jobs left and right,

you know,

I am somewhere in there. Got introduced to alcohol synonymous. And I, I gotten taken to a meeting at 17 from him, but I didn't want any part of it and didn't see myself as an alcoholic. Then when I went back home, my family didn't really, they were really like all about this. I thought it was a situational alcoholic, like I was an alcoholic because of situations I've been in that were really difficult.

And I was like, yeah, that's that's the problem. I've had some tough times. That makes sense.

Which is ridiculous because like, I created any bad situation that I got into, you know? But I tried to.

I really thought that

there were things in life that I just didn't understand and that if I could figure them out, I would be OK. I really thought that I could be like this, like

I don't know if it was even a social partier. I think I, I think I'd given up on like a whole social part, but like, or maybe I didn't, I don't know. I don't know if I thought I could be a social partier or just like a functioning drunk, but either one I would have been happy with, you know what I mean? Because that was not my experience. I'm just a hot mess. It just turned out to be a blessing. You know, I get, I mean, it's like gross, like fast. You know, I got, I got like three or four days before I like

can't function, but like it's bad. But

so I really believed that if I could just figure out the right choices to make in life, I could like just get a good job or, or like have a relationship and treat that person the way I knew I should. Or like, you know, if me and my family could just get over the crap that we had gone through together and just like move on, I'd be OK. Or, you know, if maybe I should just be a student, like just go to college and like get a career going, you know, and like, why can't I just do these things,

you know? But the problem is like, I miss a class and like, or even an assignment and I'm afraid to go to class now. I miss like one class, so I can't go to the next one. And I'm too nervous to talk to the teacher about the homework that I didn't do. So like, well, I can't do anything. Like I try to show up at work, but I can only make it there like 3 out of the five days a week. But the other two, I'm freaking out. You know what I mean? Like that doesn't work.

People won't keep you employed. Like I can't, like my life doesn't work on my own. And

so anyway, I, you know, what happened was I somehow knew that I don't know what it was. I, I kept getting pulled to AI and that's just, it's like I, it's still surprising to me that like that was an option for me at that time. Like that. I, I would, you know, that wasn't me. Like that wasn't my choice. That wasn't my ideas. Like I kept getting to places where I would get, it would get so dark and I would feel so empty,

had this willingness to go. And somehow that was like I knew and my, I knew I somehow had this idea that like I would get help there, you know, and I just kept showing up like starting between like 18 and 21, like I started being a frequent meeting maker.

I'm nurse that I've stayed before. I don't know. But

anyway,

so when, when things would get really, really bad, I would show up at an AM meeting, you know,

and I didn't know you guys were just like nice to everybody. I was like, these people love me. They're so nice.

That was great. I was like 1920 and like nobody likes me that side of my life, so I thought it was awesome. People like, give me rides to meetings and spend me coffee and stuff like that. And

and, you know, compared to, like, the family that thought I was just, like, evil because I was, you know, this was some relief. You know, it was like you people didn't know bad things I had done. You know, you had no history with me screwing you over. And it was like, thank goodness, you know? Yeah. I just got to feel like normal for like, an hour of my day. But The thing is, like, I had. I basically if you had met me,

I mean, I up until that point, if you had met me in the last five or so years

or even more like your life is not better from the experience, it's not a good person. I'd not have good relationships with people, you know what I mean? And even if I didn't like over, at least screw you over. I like, I just wasn't great to be around. I was always crazy. I was always filled with thoughts of Julie. I was always like bringing my cap everywhere I went.

Umm, And so, so I had all this. And then aside from that, then there was the really lame stuff like telling that people that my family was bad when they weren't and like, you know, stuff that you can't undo. And so I wasn't, I wasn't just a sick person, I had been a bad person. That's my experience. I, I was a really lousy person. And I thought that was all evidence of why I didn't deserve to get this thing or why I didn't deserve to be happy or why I didn't deserve that the God wouldn't care about me. And then I, I would never have. I would never amount to anything,

you know? I thought that was my proof that I'm a shitty person and here's why. And I carried that stuff around with me and it made me feel like I wanted to die. And without drinking, I just got worse and worse. And I had such a horrible case of bulimia when I was trying to be sober because I couldn't stand myself so much. I was throwing up all the time. And like, I would try to make myself look as nice as possible and show up at meetings. And if you ask me how I was doing, I would tell you I was great. And then I'd go home and think about killing myself, you know? And I was going to meet every day,

sometimes like two meetings a day, sometimes 3. Not hometown jobs, living at my parents house, trying here and there to get work, but mostly way too depressed,

you know, and,

and I was having, so my anxiety was so bad that I was, I was hanging out at, at emergency room hospitals because I couldn't afford to go into them anymore. And I'd just sit there like, oh God, you know, if my dad want to do it here so they can help me.

I used to call 911. This is true. I used to call 911 so much dispatcher knew me and she really. Are you sure, Julie or, or you know, this time it's real. You got to sign the troops. You know, the ambulance was showing. And I, I'm still playing on financial events, the ambulance company, because I used to bring them to the house all the time.

And that's true. It was, it was absolutely ridiculous that from October on, the Julie Carey plan does not go so well.

But The thing is, like, I was trying. I was trying so hard. And people say like, don't quit before a miracle happens. And I'm like, like, where's the fucking miracle? Because I'm not experiencing it. You know what I mean? And I thought my life was going to be destined to like, uncomfortable chairs and church basements with people I didn't like, you know, waiting for a miracle. You gotta be kidding me.

And that's all I was hearing. And I can't say this is all that was said, but that's all I heard today. I heard just keep coming. Just keep coming. And I call up my sponsor who is, you know, like herself several years sober and hadn't even written an inventory. And she would, she would tell me like she would, she would listen to me like I would call her like 3:00 in the morning freaking out with my problem of the day. And she would just like talk me through it, you know, whatever it was. And I thought that was sobriety. I thought it was like, I'll talk to you about whatever I'm freaking out about today, and then you'll talk to me about whatever you're freaking.

Today and maybe, just maybe we just won't drink just today and, and we'll be OK,

you know, and like, we'll stay crazy and we'll like hang out at a meetings and like do nothing good for ourselves or anyone else and like not worry about people who screw over. And we'll just hang out there, you know,

and, and I don't know a lot, a lot of things happen. You know, I had heart failure or something, I don't know what it was, but some sort of cardiac something rather. And I almost died sober and I was, I was pretty sure I was going to die sober. That's what ended up happening. I ended up, you know, one of those nights where I was like, I don't feel good. It was like it was the real deal. And, you know, ended up getting rushed to the hospital at 3:00 in the morning. And

that was scary.

And I was pretty sure at that point, I was thinking I was going to die sober. Like, I couldn't get insurance because I couldn't show up at work, and I couldn't stop doing the things I was doing. I didn't have the power to. You know, the only thing I had going for you was that I hadn't drank in a while. But

you know, and nothing I was doing was working and I couldn't get into any hospital programs to like work on this other stuff that was going on for me because I just didn't have the money. And that just sucked. This how am I going to be okay? You know, and, and I started just like I somehow ran into this woman. She found me. Actually, she, she was working the principles. Like she would see me at meetings. So she'd come over and give me your number and be like, call me and let's get together like it. She she could see that I was not OK. And she was like, you know, Julie,

sobriety doesn't have to be like this, like you don't have to suffer sober. And this thing is so cool. And she she would just like keep reaching out to me. And she wanted me to get together with her and some other women and go through the big look. And I remember they would meet on Friday nights before this meeting. And hanging out with women in a book on a Friday night was not healing. The funny part is like, I'm dying inside, but you like, show me like, let's do this and you'll get better. I'm like, Dad, I, I don't know about that.

You know what I mean? I'm so fucking arrogant.

That's a problem like, and I think I know what I need. I think I know what I don't need. And, and that that is the thing that will block me, you know, if I think I know, man, I'm screwing myself over because my experience is that I don't know. I don't have a clue. And I got to keep putting my own ideas aside because I keep thinking I know and it keeps coming up. You know, that's the biggest problem for me today is to keep putting my own ideas up aside and letting somebody else show me

and being open to a new experience with the stuff. And you know, that like only having a beginner's mind or whatever, just like being teachable, you know,

but

so I didn't want to do that. And so I didn't and I went down. I think the other thing too, I just want to say this, I feel this sometimes like when I try to reach out to other people, I feel that we're up against so much. Like when we offer somebody a solution and it's like, here you can get well. And here's how we're going to meet together. We're going to read through the thing book. We're going to talk about the history of AA and how this thing works. And then we're going to like read through the doctor's opinion so you really understand the disease.

And then we're going to go through this and the devil's story and all that. Then you're going to write an inventory your entire life. We're going to talk about your sex conduct, your fears and your sentence your whole life. Then you're going to pray and meditate and we're going to hunt down the people that you've harmed face to face. You're going to make it as quick or you know, if you're saying this and then you've got like nine other people going, just don't drink, you know what I mean? We listen to

they're like some coffee and just keep coming in five years to get marbles back, you know what I mean? Like

they're going to want to be like, hey, like I like what you're saying there with the book and the work and the stuff and The Walking through our fear. Like, no, you know, they're not. Nobody's going to want to do this.

And so like we got we're up against a lot like I'm trying to carry this message and I where I live, like I got a lot. There's a lot of meetings if I show up and I'm like, hey, let's do this stuff and the steps like and now like your month's over, great, let's go. And then like I got people going up to newcomers being like, stay away from her. You know what I mean? Like like play. They call him the big one of Nazis. And like,

you know, they're like, and it's true. Like what my, that first sponsor that I was working with when I, when this woman came up to me and wanted to take me through the books, the first sponsor said, you better stay away from my newcomers, you know, with that solution of yours.

Absolutely crazy. So I was just thinking that I was just talking to this New Girl and she's like desperate. She's not doing well and she's sober. You know, she keeps calling me with these problems. And I'm talking to her about like how to like live by principles of like how to be well. And

and she's like, she's like, yeah, I think I'm just going to hang out at this meeting. But she wants help. But she like when Ioffer it, she's like, yeah, you know what? I think just like hanging out of meeting and hear how other people do it. That's like, good enough, you know, And it's just like, God, I wish people weren't telling you that that was enough. I wish they weren't because like, it could be so much better than what you're experiencing right now. Anyway, So. OK, back to the story. Kelly, She's she's 1278. And and I'm not interested. And I go down to this young people's convention. And that's where I,

that's where I see people with recovery. And, and I can't say I never saw before. There's something about this experience. I saw people that were like living by principles and I could see it in their eyes and they were real excited and they were laughing and they were telling jokes. Like, remember this kid before the steps, he was toxic. And they were like, you know, just, they were really like, they were getting some results from the work. And and so it turned out like talking to people,

the people that had like what I wanted and got results that I wanted had had done the 12 steps at the big book. And so I went back to New Hampshire, found Kelly and was like, let's go, you know, And it took me about two months.

It, it took me about two months from that point to go through the book with her and get to a point where

where I'd written, written inventory and was starting to make amends. And that changed me. And then I, I've never been the same since. I will say though, like I haven't, I didn't stay sober the entire time. I stayed sober. I, I had that experience. It was profound and,

and somehow like things happened, she moved away and I never, I never passed this thing on. And so all that relief that I got and, and like all those changes that happened for me in the ninth step, I never gave it away. And so eventually, you know, after, after two years of sobriety, I thought that I was well, where I forgot what it was to be a drunk orthotic.

Young, maybe,

maybe I was just irresponsible, you know, all this stuff. Anyway, whatever it was, it was just like me. I, I can't stay sober off off of the spiritual experience that I already had. Like I got to keep renewing it. I got to keep having new experiences. I got to keep doing this stuff and I didn't do it. And I ended up drinking for going back to drinking. And it took me another year to get back. That's what brought me to Portland, ME.

Just that, a sponsor that I had had when that first one, that one woman that took me through the steps, went away. I started hanging out with this girl with Shell in Boston

and then while I drank, she had moved back up here and that's and I. So anyway, at the end of my drinking, I knew she was up here and a buddy of mine who I was living with while drinking had moved up here. And I ended up going into the Milestone Foundation detox and living at Oxford House in town here and, and really get sober again and starting all over,

you know, and really I like, I had to go through every part of that process all over again, you know,

you know, one thing, I guess

since I'm here, I just, you know, the first step, like I heard somebody say, like you've got to surrender 2 times. Like I first had to surrender to the fact that I'm powerless over alcohol,

which took me some time and, and like really understanding, you know,

like the, you know,

you know, the two ways that I'm powerless over alcohol, like my physical allergy to it, the part where, you know, I have an allergic reaction every time I put it in my body and I will never respond normally to it, you know, and that that allergic reaction, you know, they call it like the phenomenon of craving. The way it was explained to me is like if I have chicken pox, the chickenpox manifest in red bumps on my skin,

and if I have a allergy to alcohol

that manifests in this phenomenon of cravings, unbelievable craving for once I start to experience it, I can't stop. I have no chance at not going, not keeping going.

You know, that's one part that's one way and powerless around the other way is in the mental obsession. And that's like the way that was explained to me is like that persist mental obsession is like persistent and reoccurring thought that is stronger than and doesn't respond to reasons.

So like, I've got all this great reason why I cannot drink and that doesn't do anything for my mental obsession because once I get the idea in my brain that I want to drink, like it's going to win every time.

So there's no, I don't have a mental defense. I can't, like I can't come up. I can't remember those crappy things that happen. I can't remember the night that I was like drunk in a Walmart and tried to dye my hair in the fitting room, you know,

and wound up on the news because I was drunk, you know,

I can't, I can't remember that. My brain just tells me this will be fun. And here's why you know.

Walmart room. So so I can't treat the physical allergy because I'll always be allergic. I'll always be allergic to I have to treat the mental obsession that's treated with spiritual experience. If I don't have a spiritual experience in the mental obsession will win and I will go back to drinking. You know, and you know, they call a spiritual experience or spiritual awakening. Like basically my spirit was asleep

for a really long time. It wasn't completely dead, you know, it would come up in like when I'm away from home and like my heart aches for my mom. That's my spirit. Just like still being awake, you know? And I try to drown it out with more booze because I can't stand like being aware of my spirit because it's telling me what I should be doing, you know? And like, that's the like, that's where I got my concept of a higher power too, is like, I always knew what was right for me. There was never a question like, like

deep, deep inside, you know, when I'm doing something right, I feel that. And then when I'm doing something wrong, I feel that too. And that's my spirit. It's like telling me what it, what's right for me and what's wrong for me and what, what's right for me is different from anybody else. So like, you know,

you know, women in this program, like I don't, I don't ever know what's right for anybody else. Like that's for us to decide, you know, but like just we have to get in touch with our own stuff to figure that out.

And that's been like my barometer for like how to live, you know, it's been like this God awareness, but from Michelle used to call it a God gut. It's like that's how I get it. I, I, that's how I get connected to this thing is like through my feeling inside.

So, so I've got to treat this mental obsession with spiritual awakening, which I'm guaranteed to have. I say guaranteed,

I'm guaranteed to have as a result of doing the 12 steps. I mean, it says at the bottom of the 12th step, like having had a spiritual awakening as a result of work, as the result of working these steps, not a result. It is the result we'll get as, as if we work these steps. So like I and I didn't even have to believe that this thing would work for me. In fact, I didn't believe it would work for me. When I started meeting with Kelly and I was still crazy and she was really well, I did not see how doing steps was going to get me better.

The thing that I trusted was that when she told stories about her and the way she used to be, and then I saw her sitting in front of me, she didn't match the stories. She looked really OK and,

and I was like, I could see that something was working for her and she would ask me, you know, we believe that that works for me. And I said, oh, obviously, Kelly, like I, I see that it works for you. And she said, well, do you believe that what works for me could work for you too? And I was like, I guess, or like, or she even asked. I didn't even have to believe it. She asked me if I was willing to believe that it worked for her or if it would work for me too. And I sit down willing, you know, I don't believe that it will work for me, but I'm willing to try to believe that it will. And that's enough. That is enough. I don't have to have this like overwhelming awareness that God's going to save me.

It was just like I'm willing to believe that something's going to work for me if I do this stuff good. You know, she told me a couple of things. Like she said, you know, God loved me even at my worst and probably more than. And I needed to hear that because I pretty much thought I was a scumbag and that God would want anything to do with me. You know, tell me things like God gave me on this planet, like just as much as I need God because I got to be available and like tap into this thing and like ask God to show me who I can help and then be available to help because there aren't like it's

everybody's doing that. And sometimes people need each other and I gotta be available to that. I gotta tap into that and ask to be directed and guided. So God needs me. So now I feel more like, OK, I can do this because I'm not just asking for something like I'm going to be available and I'm going to be a part of this thing and it's going to be a relationship. It's not just a one way thing anymore. And that made it like more OK for me to be open to it because before that, you know, I just had a lot of prejudice against

this higher power. And Kelly asked me

whatever ideas I already had about this higher power, please put them aside, whether they were good or bad, because I'm putting God in the box. And I'm saying this higher power can do these things but can't do those. And it's like, it does work this way, but not that way. And she said every time, like I think I know I'm blocking myself from like understanding and maybe just maybe there's something out there that's so much cooler than my brain can possibly understand. And I've missed the whole thing if I just try to like, understand it and identify it. So just she didn't tell me to get rid of my ideas, but just set them aside

to have a new experience, you know, and I was willing to do that. We got into like doing a third step prayer, which was basically just like, I'm making a commitment to go on to the next steps and I don't really see how it's going to work. But I got no other options. And I kind of want to die and you don't. So I'm better right from inventory. That's what my third step was kind of like, you know, I was just like, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to say this prayer and hold your hands and and then I'm going to write, you know, and that's what happened.

I'm just doing a time check.

So anyway, we started writing in winter. I started writing my inventory. It took, I mean, I feel like I took mostly like

a long weekend and

you know, and I read it to her. What happened was my, my head got clear. The thing that inventory has done for me is that it took the sting out of those memories that I had

so that, you know, this, you know, like I'm just driving up the road chilling. All of a sudden, a thought, a memory. I can't believe I did that. I was such a loser that night. Because they see me. Oh my God, what do they think? What if I see them? Oh my God, Like that's gonna come up and I would like be driving and all of a sudden I'm cringing down the highway, right? I'm talking about

Share my Inventory, just staying away from that stuff.

And now it didn't have that same pain that it used to have.

I find that anytime like I've got problems going on, as soon as I take action, they just start to get better. And it's all about the action that I take. And, and like,

it doesn't even have to be like fixing a problem. You know, it can just be just starting to take action on it. You know, maybe I get inspired. Maybe I have this bad feeling about, oh, all these people here, I need to make amends once I make one phone call to one person, relief, you know what I mean? I didn't do this thing because I wanted to be like this perfect person.

I I do it because I have to do it to be OK. And that, that's just the truth of it.

You know, after sharing my inventory at, like the book says, I took that hour with God afterwards, you know, the after we share this thing in seminary. Yeah, I'm going to meditate for an hour. And it was the first time in my life where, like, my head was clear and I was alone and there was no noise and no distraction and I was totally fine. And it wasn't like I was waiting for those minutes to just