The Tuesday night Surrender Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Portland, ME

Join me if you wouldn't welcome in tonight's speaker, Gerald.

Hi. Hi, everybody. My name is Gerald. I'm an alcoholic

and you know, I know I was going to speak for a while and for once I have no idea what I'm going to tell you tonight.

And I pray they don't speak to you from my intellectual mind. I put in my heart is open enough tonight that I can speak to my heart and share my experience with you because what I know isn't going to save your life because it never saved my life. That's why I'm here. And what I know is going to kill me because I have alcoholism. So what was I like? Well, I was a pain in the ass. That's what I was like. And

I'm probably still a pain in the ass, you know? But I'm sober today

and I'll tell you a little bit what makes me an alcoholic. First, I want to say when I pulled up, you know, to the driveway today, I had an amazing feeling when I walked, when I walked up to the driveway and I saw some people hadn't seen in a while. I saw a guy I was, I was just up on my sponsor at the mainstay prison doing a big book conference. And there was a guy who said he was going to get out. I don't know if I was going to see him ever again.

And I saw him tonight and he's here. And you know, that makes it all work. You know, some of you maybe have heard this is a selfish program and it's not. It's the exact opposite of that. I'm a selfish person. And maybe they got that backwards because what I need is an unselfish program for a guy like me because I'm self-centered. Extreme. Everything revolves around the South, you know, And

anyway, just really quickly, so you don't think that I'm just here selling Amway.

My first drink was at 14. It was a drink I tried to avoid because I hated alcohol and I hated people who drank alcohol. And I tried to manage my life with drugs. But you know, it just wasn't working out so great. And at 14, after my grandfather's funeral, I needed to find a way to to not feel the way I was feeling. And there's a couple kids I looked up to these punk rock skateboarder types and they were drinking Wild Turkey. That sounded pretty fun. And I think it had wild in the name as I wanted to be wild. So

I said no a couple times, but by the third time it came around to me, I took a sick.

Now some of you may identify with this experience or you may not, but this is definitely how I know it. Alcoholism. When I took that first sip, it was like my whole life I was living underwater. And once that sip reached my lips and that warmth hit my stomach, I felt that I could breathe

and being me for the first time in my life was OK.

Now, a couple times I experienced that with marijuana and Led Zeppelin, but

you know, I was breaking into cars and running away from home, stuff like that, you know, the thrill, the adrenaline, the excitement. But alcohol, I didn't even have to do anything but drink some liquid. And they gave me all the escape and relief that I had been looking for my whole life. And I had arrived and I didn't care how I was going to get it, where it was going to come from. But this is something that I'm doing and I was before that day

a very isolated, withdrawn,

very quiet, sheepish, you know, probably want to be thought because I wasn't really. I was very scared little boy who grew up in a very poor household and get stuff was was to steal it

and alcohol started to make my lifestyle, my behavior OK. They gave me all it gave me all the relief and and and the lies and delusions that all my problems were gone and and I loved every minute of that. Why would I stop doing this? It is my solution for life. I now feel OK in my own skin. I don't mind wearing, you know, before that day I wore high water pants and clip on ties and my mom dressed me. And

after that day she didn't dress me no more. And you know,

I still look like an idiot, but I felt I was taking control of my own life. I'm taking matters in my own hands. I'm not waiting for anybody. I'm not waiting for this idea of God. I'm not waiting for a family member, some other savior to save me. I have found alcohol and I'm done. I'm saved. And the story now, things did not stay that way. The relief that alcohol gave me was quickly declining. I had to consume more and more amounts of alcohol,

and then alcohol wasn't even enough. I started realizing you could snore coke and you could drink alcohol.

I thought all kinds of different ways. You became a junior chemist and, you know, started finding ways that I could just not be mean. Get the hell out of here. Here sucks me sucks, you know, and, and and I was in full flight from reality. And that's not all that was going on with me. That's all that I was aware of at the time.

That's all that I knew I would have told you. Yes, I want to get the hell out of here. What? What? You want to be here? Well, good for you.

I did believe two lies my whole life. One was if you had my life, you drink like this too. And two was I'm not hurting anybody to leave me alone because as I came to learn in the steps was that I'm hurting everybody. I hurt everybody by my behavior. Drinking hurts everyone that I come into contact with. I have my disease made my family neurotic and there are neurotic to begin with. So add me in that equation and it was like he was like TNT.

And

so it didn't take very long for my family to do an intervention on me. And they said you go to AA or else. I was really not. I really wanted to know what else was, you know, I, I'm not really sure Access day what what else is? But my mom is five feet tall, but she's like a dragon. And, you know, I was a little terrified of her.

And at that point we were getting the fistfights. I didn't want to be at home. And

so we made a deal. Gerald, you go to an AA meeting. I was 17 years old. We'll send you away to college and we'll pay for it. And I said that sounds wonderful. I get the hell away from all you people and I go drink the way I want. And so I went to an, a, a meeting. Oh, that's all right. Or else was rehab. And I didn't know what rehab was, but just didn't sound like fun. And

because I didn't think you could drink there. And I was told an A and he was an hour. So that sounded just fine. And I took an hour or 30 days anytime. And So what to say a meeting, they talked all kinds of stuff. One thing they talked about that was driving me bananas was alcohol. I had to listen to people talk about alcohol that whole time. I tell you, I have never been thirsty. When I walked out of that meeting, all I wanted to do was drink. I couldn't understand how you could sit in a meeting and talk about alcohol in such depth and in such clarity that you would leave

not drink. That made absolutely no sense to me because the first thing I did when I left was, hey, that was great. Thanks a lot for the meeting. I waited to my everybody was asleep, snuck out the door, stole the car, went and drank and, you know, and then they didn't know that. So they sent me off to college with a scholarship. Now, two weeks I went to college and it was my second attempt because I was getting kicked out of one in New York. And

I got to tell you, man, I remember being so fucked up. I was about to go to class and

I remember hearing everybody laughing and I remember everybody having a good time and I hadn't yet walked in the door. And I was, it was about 8:00 in the morning and I could, and even though I was so fucked up, I just was. So I was shaking. I was so uncomfortable. I thought, I don't know how people could just be sitting there laughing. That is just not my world. And I just can't go in there as messed up as I am. And I had to make a choice. It's either going to be school or it's going to be, you know, this party lifestyle. So I went back to my dorm room and drank a bunch of

here and

that's all I did and I locked myself in there and eventually they came knocking and said who the hell are you? And I said you know I'm a student. They checked my name and said you haven't been a student here in like 2 months. And so they kicked me out and moved into the dorm room next door. And because they had free baloney and

I paid Bologna, but it was the one meal a week that I could probably, you know, stomach. And,

you know, eventually there was, you know, some police business involved, you know, and nobody really wanted me around anymore. And I really didn't really want to be on the streets of Pittsburgh. So I came back to New York and I tried to clean up my act. And my family's ever done that. You were just trying to just move somewhere and start again, you know, And I don't mean like I had a lie in the back of my head. I don't mean that I was. I was just going to do all this crazy stuff. I was really going to go back and try to be a goal. I was going to try to be a man. I was going to try to grow up.

That lasted about two minutes.

Because once I cross the New York border, all this new resolve came back and I thought of all these guys. I was like, you know, I bet you Chris is still in his apartment growing marijuana. And I mean, we can get some liquor and just smoke all week long. Well, we, I went to Chris's house and I probably didn't leave for three months. I don't know if we ever saw the outside. You know, we did it really shooting BBS at cars and stuff like that. And

I and I just really lost track of time. And the next thing you know, my mom is, see, my mom's a hairdresser

and she always be friends, The most interesting people And one most interesting people I should be friended was the was the head director of a thing called BCI to the Bureau of Criminal Investigations of New York. And they kind of think they're like the FBI in New York. And they drive unmarked cars and wear suits and they like put handcuffs on. And my mom would send them around. I swear these guys would find a needle in haystack. I mean, I would run away for three days. I don't even know who I was hanging out with, but they knew who I was hanging out with. And, you know, I remember being at a family reunion. I'm going to tell you I knew

might have known one guy there in the middle of nowhere in a farm in New York. I don't know how I got there. I don't know how long I've been there. But this family looked like the ideal family. They were amazing. They were like playing Batman and they were like eating, you know, burgers. And mom and dad were kissing and the sons. I was like, man, I thought I was in heaven. And the next thing you know, for all these people comes to BCI throwing me on the ground, handcuffing me, throwing me in the back of a car and take it off. I said pie won't be right there again. And

I tried to scare me into sobriety.

And you know, I thought that might work too, that maybe I just needed to be afraid of not that be afraid to drink and maybe I won't drink ever again. I got to tell you that never worked. That has never ever worked. And I don't know if any of you have said this, but I remember sitting at an A meeting say I'm not going to drink again because I know that I will. I'm going to blow my brains out. Before I do that, let me tell you, I've relapsed five or six times and I have yet to blow my brains out because my alcohol is way more powerful than my desire to die.

When I'm going to drink, I'm going to drink, and there's been nothing that could ever stop me. No Fear, no resolve, no a a meaning, no sponsor, no police officer, nothing. I've tried every single one of those things.

The outside, you know, world has tried all those things with me, this frothy emotional appeal. Please, Gerald, do not drink, please. You have everything you know, going on for you. You don't need to do this. And I would say sure, absolutely, totally not going to do that. I got about, you know, I remember was 89 days sober once and and now and I was I wasn't feeling great. I hated my life. I hated my job. I wasn't doing anything besides sitting at a meeting, just sitting there, going to look at everybody, you know, squeezing my hand.

Couldn't wait to get the hell out of that meeting and go do something wrong.

I signed up for this crap. I had not signed up for a life of spiritual principles. I just wanted to take the edge off of being me. And you know, constant consequences came along with it. That's not my alcoholism, but that's, that's the deal. You know, I go out and I live by self propulsion. Things happen, you know, that I later go, man, if it was, if it wasn't for so and so and this and the law,

that's a lie. I believe everybody else's fault by me, my whole life was about external, you know, external change. I don't have to change inside. I've got to change my outside, you know, I just get new friends. I go to new me, I go to a new town. I remember moving to Ohio from New York City. I thought, well, New York City's bad, of course New York's bad. You know, it's dangerous. It's like you can drink everywhere, you know, whatever man. I have a long history with New York and I thought I'm going to move to country Ohio and you know, because I'm going to drink and I'm going to maybe die there. That's fine. And it happened to happen that I think 75%

town where an Alcoholics Anonymous or believed in God and it wasn't really the best place on earth for a guy to try to hide, you know, a guy like me. You know, the real miracle was that was one of my last bottoms and see where drinking where, you know, I don't anybody ever believe this line. I remember I had about I had 4 1/2 years in a A and I remember working at a restaurant in New York City and my life had changed immensely. I mean immensely just being sober and doing just the minimal amount of the work.

A lot of things changed. I actually felt OK some, you know, but going to meetings and meeting people and fellowshipping, that did a lot of wonders for me. There were people that trusted me and talked to me, hung out me that would never give me the time of day. And I tell you that did a lot for a guy like me. That gave me a little bit of esteem and I ran on that for a while and it was really nice to feel part of something. So I never felt part of anything. I hung around a place too long and eventually people, you know, they caught on to to myself

like, OK, we're done with you, get out of here. We love you, Jeremy, just too damn much.

The last 20 bucks. I can't have you around. You don't do the job he asked you to do. I mean, my job, you know, was the easiest job in the world. I mean, I was tables and all I had to do the other night was fill up ketchup, you know? But by the end of the night, at 6:00 in the morning, remember, the chefs would cut, these Mexican guys would come in, they'd kick me going Geraldo, get the hell out of here. I'd be covered in vomit and ketchup. And I'm like, I can't even do that job. And

and I'd be walking the back of Brooklyn trying to catch the subway. He's still drunk. I was the guy that should have slept all the day through

because when I I went to sleep drunk, I woke up drunk and I thought, man, wow, I think I've gotten pretty bad, but nothing a few beers won't fix. And this is what I constantly told myself. Well, things won't get that bad because there's another beer around the corner and everything will be just fine. This is the same head that I trusted to keep me sober for years and eventually it turned up. Now if that's ever happened to you, I mean, I had no plans on drinking. I had no plans on ruining my life and and watching it go downhill, you know, in flames. And what happened was

I was 25 years old and I had never had a legal drink and I thought, damn, I just want to go on a date with a girl and I just want to have one beer and look like a normal guy. So we went to a restaurant six months later because the rest of the mill don't really matter. What happened was only six months later, I'm sitting on a windowsill. She left me. I've got a needle in my arm while tequila in my legs. I got a tie dyed Speedo cowboy hat, blue blockers and a 22 rifle thinking man I'd arrive.

No one wanted to be around me

gorgeous apartment, but it had this little woodshed in the back and I've lived in the woodshed. I could not go on the other in the rest of the apartment. I didn't know what's in a tiny little bed. I had my little altered all my little stuff on it. And sometimes I might beg one of the, you know, 18 year old delivery guys to bring me some beer and I would just sit up there and I hope to God I would die. That's what happens to me when I go out and try to have one beer. That's what happens to me when I try to go on a date and be so-called normal

and I believe for years.

But I could, I could just come in here, clean up, go back and do it again. And I thought I could even just come in here and stay sober. So that's what I tried next. I said, wow, that life is scary. And I I look kind of psycho. You know, people come over and I try to be normal. This thing, you know, I'm emptying the refrigerator contents into a big white bucket, mixing it with a ladle and offering it to people in the same dinner served, you know, and I wear a sock for a bow tie. When things got fancy and

I was out of my mind, I was absolutely, absolutely all touch of reality. That's what alcohol and my drug use was doing to me.

I did not know how to talk, interact with you people. I didn't know how to not steal. And the only way I could not hurt you was not be around you. And I don't just mean you guys in AAI mean the whole world, because that matter was an A a or not an A A. I couldn't go to the grocery store. I was not to be trusted. I couldn't drive a car. I didn't have one, but I'm sure I couldn't drive it. If I did have one, where would I go? You know, I was usually too drunk to drive,

and most of the time I was just sleeping passed out, hoping that, you know, if I would, I wouldn't wake up the next day.

I'd always wake up the next day and say, well, here we go again. Maybe I'll try harder to kill myself today. That's me and my best effort. That's what me trying to keep myself sober. That's what my life looks like. And that's not a sad, pathetic story. Well, yes, actually that is a sad,

not painting a picture that I'm the worst guy in the block, but believe me, I've heard worst stories. I'm just saying that's what happens to me when I just forgot to have one drink. It's just, you know, the end result and really simply is that I fail.

I fail and I hurt a lot of people in the process and I waste a lot of breath on this planet, you know, when there's so much more, there's so much more to look for, you know, and but I never knew the concept of surrender. I never knew the concept of get the hell out of the picture and let something greater than yourself take control. I didn't really know what that meant. It doesn't sound good that that sounds like man, If I have to admit that I'm a failure and a powerless man, I'm a real loser, then. I mean, I'd rather be eating garbage and homeless,

powerless over alcohol. I really felt that way. That's how egotistical I was and how determined I was to beat this game. Anyway, So

went back to New York and after a series of mishaps and trying to get sober, 60 days here, 30 days here, what not

someone that I had dated overdosed and died. And I went to her funeral and her mom gave me her half of her rashes in a Ziploc baggie. And I had this twisted coat of twirls. And after a failed suicide attempt at her funeral because she wasn't going to show me up, I decided to bring her rashes to an A a meeting. I don't know, maybe I figured I could do something

one last thing that was good in this world before I die. And So what happened was I kind of stuck around and I remember someone said why don't you come around for 90 days. Now, I didn't really give a crap whether I stuck around, but I cared that I brought her ashes to a meeting for 90 days. And I got to tell you I had a really crazy experience in dating right now. I don't know. There wasn't any day special the meeting. I don't I couldn't tell you what happened at the meeting. All I know is I walked out that door and I had the most same thought I had had

in my whole life.

And that was there is no way in hell I've been keeping myself sober for 89 days. And for 89 days I wanted to die, drink, run away, hide, kill somebody. Yeah, I'm walking out of an AA meeting. I actually have a vehicle and a license. Legal. That was weird. And

I don't want to drink. And in fact, my heart kind of feels kind of good at the moment. I had a sense of relief that I don't think I've experienced it in years. And I knew that a shot of a doubt, there was a power greater than myself there for 89 days. Loved me more than I loved myself. And I'd love to tell you I had followed it up with some strenuous effort. I did not. That was the greatest experience I'd ever had in alcohol. It's anonymous. What I followed that up with was some more selfishness

because there wasn't a damn person who could take me through the 12 steps. Now I'm telling you that is true.

I came from an area of New York where they take you through steps in an intellectual lane by 90 forget that you're even, that you're even around. But there were some great people there and they really they, I mean, I'm not bad mouthing everybody in a but I'm telling you right now, I asked a guy to take me to the 12 steps and he said, Gerald, I'd love to, but I don't know how. And this guy is 25 years of sobriety and I and I love the man. I still love the man. He was more spiritual in his pinky than I was in my whole body, but he couldn't show me how to get there.

That sucks. That sucks because I wanted to die

and and it was very hard. I had to be really beaten up to get on my knees and say, God help me, somebody please show me the directions on how to not be this guy anymore.

So I pretty much gave up. Stop going to meetings. Someone asked me to chair a meeting, which was weird. I can't believe why they asked me to chair a meeting. Usually I was, you know, the guy got in fist fights and threw chairs around and told you all, gave you all the finger and said, I hope you drink and die. That's what I didn't mean. I'm not proud of that. In fact, I've gone back and made them against those people. But that's how angry I was inside. That's me trying to stay sober. I have a sobriety problem. I don't know if you if you get that,

but I have a real surprise from I don't, I don't like it. I don't like being sober. Maybe you guys do, but I don't Just living with me, with nothing, just me, raw me in this world. Very painful experience. I'm just like a living nerve and I react to every single thing. If you're not looking at me funny,

that's me in a meeting. Just just me by myself. You know, I see a guy and a girl, I think she should be mine and he thinks I'm a fan. Like that's,

that is my crazy mind. That's the mind I took with me and alcohol, Thomas. That's why no matter where I go,

things always just kept staying the same. Why they would get worse? Because the thing between nine years was running the show and I had no idea how damaged and sick and broken it really was. And I trusted it on a daily basis to keep me sober.

This thing is going to change my life. Just learn more, no more. Do better. And I went crazy because of that. And I was driving a lot of people and they crazy and I was breaking hearts left and right and I was hurting my family stuff. Nothing had changed. Nothing. I was just Gerald not drinking. Let me tell you what my wife says really. Well, I was causing more harm because they give you lots of coffee. So now I'm just wide awake. That's what I'm drinking. I passed out half the time and you can't find me. You know, if I'm going to any meeting, just pop me up on goofballs and subtract

and I'm just like, yes, yes, you know,

and that's the way I was hitting our newcomers, connecting completely inappropriate steel feeling treasury money. Again, that's me and a by myself. That is not me today, but that's what I was like. So what happened?

My wife today, who was just someone that I was friends with in A at the time, was speaking at a meeting. She was part of a group of people that went to a big book workshop. Not all I did is bigger workshop. What you know now was it just went through the steps, that's all. Nothing weird, nothing cultish it and, you know, stay in the middle of a pentagram,

sell their soul to, you know, some weird stuff and and pray to a baby in a jar. Just like they just went through the steps. That's it. Exactly the way they had been outlined, the way that they wrote it from the beginning, a way that could be passed on, probably with lots of interpretation, but at the same point, the same steps. And

she started talking about some weird words. And I'm telling you, maybe some of you guys, because you live in Portland, ME, know these words better than I did. They were physical allergy. I don't know if you know what that means. But I at the time, I didn't know what you were talking about. I've been in a, a for on and off for 12 years. No one ever used those words. What the hell does that mean? And I'm getting angry. And she says phenomenon, a great phenomenon. I don't know how to spell that.

He has spiritual malady now I know she's lost her absolute freaking mind. Spiritual. I knew there was going to be some kind of pseudo Christian weird thing.

So and then she starts talking about, you know, writing this inventory. But she said in a way that she like, understood what she was doing. Like it made sense, like she could see the selfishness, you know, dishonesty and her like she started talking about pretty much what I do today, what I passed on, but it was new news to me. She talked about a man. She talked about a spiritual awakening and she was carrying this message to the meeting man. I got to tell you, I never heard anything I wanted so bad and I never heard anything I wanted to just like shut her up too, because it was scaring the crap out of me because on all these years in the age never heard such talk. And it's something,

something was terrifying. She didn't mention God. And I was very scared of that word. I didn't know what it meant, but I didn't know. I didn't want it. And

I was sleeping with a friend of hers who was reading the third steps in the other Facebook, which is so weird. You know who she was also dating? My best friend. So yeah, we weren't all better.

It's a great prayer in the seven step prayer says God, you know, you know, taking the good and the bad. And I know today's because you know what? Take the good and the bad because I don't know which one you're going to use today to help us.

And they were using a lot of bad to help me because I was not good. But she read. She mentioned some about the actor run, you know, being the director, talked about, you know, Wally in the Florida sunshine. Really meaning just sitting back in a complaining about the outside world. Yeah, it's my internal condition. It's what's going on in here that's really killing me. And I'm just going to sit here and blame all of you and say, wow, the world is really wrong to me. And if people just go my way, I'm telling you everything would be great. But none of you get out the memo. None of you are following my lines.

God damn. You just do what I say. I'm not trying to be a jerk. I'm not trying to be artistical. But really, if you just do what I said, things would really go better. I'm smarter. No, that's not me. I'm serious.

I, I asked her a question on my steps and I remember this is this is the beginning of the end. I said, I heard her Speaking of me. And I said, look, I heard you say that you believe that God is keeping you sober 24/7. Do you really believe that? I said, Oh yeah, 100%, absolutely.

I gotta tell you, man, that that really floored me because I thought I was doing something. I got to be doing this, and maybe I was doing some of it, but you see the results of me trying to do some of it is pain, misery, confusion. I'm a producer of confusion, not harmony. That's my

my qualifications for fitting into alcohol. It's not on us. I produce confusion

because I'm battling egos instead of trying to work with you to try to free people of their mental obsession and and trying to get into its close into her hearts. I did not know anything about my heart. All I knew was that my mind had some answer. All I had to do is figure out the Riddle. I could not figure it out and I wanted to feel that kind of freedom that comes with saying yes, I believe God's doing it.

You got a feeling I had when I first took a drink was

it's OK,

it's going to be OK. I have felt that feeling in the first time when I smash the delusion that I am ever going to be normal. I have felt like this

feels good

when I got on my knees, I said the third step prayer when I found out that my pride, my intellectual pride was keeping me from believing there was a power greater than myself and that it was not me that it was beyond a doorknob and it was beyond a chair in the room that was a little more connected to that. And I can't explain it to you and I still would never, I will never sit here from anywhere in any try to tell you what God is because that's the worst thing you can do in alcoholic is we may use that word what the book says to us. Please do not let spiritual terms that we say deter you from asking.

So what does God mean to me? To me? What's blocking me? What's causing so much anger and resentment? I can't look at this idea of God. No one's forcing me to do it. But how? How am I doing? How's my life? How am I doing? How sobriety am I enjoying myself? And if you are without God, my hat is off to you. That is wonderful. Would never try to change your mind. But for me, that just did not work. Absolutely no avail. That's the kind of alcoholic I am. I am beyond human aid. That's my story.

So I met this guy named Jim. He lived in a Hobbit house about an hour from me because it was way up the middle of nowhere and it's tiny and had a stinky dog and the worst coffee and he made the worst food I've ever had in my life.

This man, I had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. He was carrying this messaging, practicing principles and all his affairs. I was not. I wanted to know how to get from where I was to where he was. And he said he could show me. And so twice a week I met at his house 2 hours of time. We started the beginning of the book. And I tell you he said something to me that has become almost commonplace. Some some areas I go to. And that is how we have recovered.

Where I come from, that word is taboo. You cannot say that word where I'm from. I'm telling you straight up, it's absolutely true. You say that word to me. I have had people try to chase me out of a meeting of AA because I call myself a recovered alcoholic.

I did not say from my lips that I am cured. I did not say that no longer an alcoholic. I am Gerald, I'm an alcoholic. I have recovered from alcoholism, from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. And if you could sit long enough and talk to me like, like man to manner or woman to manner or whatever, could just show you what that's like. And I have some peace and serenity in my life today and I'm not running the show by my mind. I'm not suffering from me.

I've recovered.

I don't have that physical allergy. I have this brain that tells me, you know what, I think I could drink today. I think that'd be okay. And just a week ago, I'm sitting there in a Speedo hiding from the police in a, in a woodshed out in Ohio. But in a week later, everything kind of cleans up a little bit. And I said, you know what, that was circumstance.

I won't wear the Speedo. I'll put the government.

I'll drink 2:00. You know, 1J. No big deal.

The O'doul's is during the Jenny. Jenny tequila. Six months later. How did I get here? Oh, my God. The miracle is that I'm still here. Miracle is that even after running the show in A8, I'm still here. I'm still here. Not up here to tell you how to use your mind. What I'm here to tell you is if you're like me, stop

quit using Hector because it may be broken. It may be why you're here. It's sure the hell why I'm here. I'm an Alcoholic anonymous because my mind doesn't work and I get power greater than me. And as I went through those steps, I found out what where that power resides and it's right in my heart. And I stopped running the show from my mind. I read an inventory that was a lot longer than I expected it to be, but I went after it like only like a like a dying. Could I have four years without a drink and four years away from alcohol

Gotten any better? They've got a whole hell a lot worse

and then eventually has spiritual weightings. You'll see steps.

I'm not going to explain the whole step process. I'll tell you right now, getting a single person's room does it exactly the same. If you do, that's crazy, man, because I just can't imagine that there are over 2 million members of Alcoholics not on this. And I don't care what books you're using or what not book you're using. All I'm trying to get to is find out in my powerless over alcohol is my life unmanageable? And yes, my life is unmanageable. And yes, I am power things. I have no power and I have no qualifications to manage my life with my mind, with your mind. I tell you I love my sponsor. He's a great man.

I'm not going to trust him to keep me sober, man. He is a bank robber,

OK.

I do not want him managing your life. I might get rich, but I finally

what he does and what I tried to do Why why I love this program when we get through these steps and what I really feel that I I really am trying to do today is to connect to make connections to be real. Quit being a an actor running the whole show to come down to come not from up here, but just from walking straight up to people I and saying look

what's up, what's going on? What can I do for you? I find the 12 step is not about I may not sponsor you any of I do. I'm not better than anybody in this room and I actually believe that bullshit sometimes because I've spiritually awoken. You haven't. I've got something you that's bullshit. I do not have anything. Nobody in this room does. What I found out is I had the solution within me the whole time. What was blocking it was my ego and my pride and a whole lot of bad shit that I felt guilty about. And guilt, I'll tell you right now is a God-given

to know that I'm still human. And if I didn't feel guilty, I probably would never talk about it, you know? And that's how you, I don't always have a great sense of humility until I have called my sponsor, you know, he is very good at that. Bringing it down to the real level. Because if I could, if I, if I don't connect with you guys, if I don't just be one among many, I will begin to run the show again and I'll die. I will get over here. You'll be all right here, but I'll be over here going. I'm so much better than you all. I don't need to talk about my shit,

you know, like, yeah, I'm 7 1/2 years sober, you know, so I don't need to like, you know, be honest with you all. I don't need to bear myself. That's exactly what I need to do. I need to stand up here and tell you that without God, without these steps and without a fellowship, that I'm a liar and I'm a cheat and I'm a thief. It's I might do it in small degrees and rationalize. Oh, well, that's not so bad. You know, I'm not actually going through with it. That's crap because my whole life started up here and eventually I'm going to be powerless where I'm going to be able to control any of that stuff and it's just going to be a runaway horse.

And the best thing I can do today is stay close, stay open constantly tell you guys what's up with. I gotta tell you, I'm having a real hard week. You know, I was up in the main state prison. You're doing this conference and I went in there with a lot of expectation about, well, you know, I'm fucking awesome and I'm a good speaker and all this bullshit. You know, I had this, I walked in with the ego. Let me tell you what, I walked out feeling like this fall and a couple guys in there spread a lot more humility than I than I could have hoped to have had that whole weekend.

I went up there without praying to meditate.

I went up there with a whole batch inventory. I tried to think that I could help people, you know, as long as I know, look, man, I got to tell you, this isn't a selfish program. But if I don't wake up in the morning and and plug into God and get honest and get honest another human being, I am of no service to you all. I cannot be a service if I am hiding stuff, if I'm, if I'm trying to project this image, we're like, oh, I'm Mr. A, I'm not Mr. A, I'm an alcoholic. I'm a sick man. I'm so sick. They had they had to sit me down like a little baby and read a book to me.

I couldn't even read it by myself because I couldn't understand what the hell is going on around here.

And a man shared his experience with me. I walked in his footsteps and I found a power greater than myself. And when I can just get over my ego and just plug in and say, God, there you go man, here I am.