The Tuesday night Surrender Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Portland, ME

Join me if you would in welcoming tonight's speaker, Dave.

Hi everybody. I'm, I'm Dave and I'm an alcoholic and I want to thank Brent for asking me to come speak and

and so forth and happy Saint Patty's day. Hey, friend of mine told two years ago that an AA that she said that

how did she put out screw it up? She said that

Saint Patty's Day was the reason for Alcoholics Anonymous or something like that.

I don't know.

I go.

I've known Ashley Brent gave me a call last night to remind me that I was supposed to come and speak tonight and I actually knew it. So I've known that I was supposed to speak here for a few days and for a while, actually probably about a month ago, he asked me to comment and.

And but I've known and then

I really don't have a clue what we're going to do tonight. Yeah, I really don't. I, I

wait a second, God will arrive and we'll, we'll see what we're going to go.

We're over there and we'd like to welcome everybody that's new. And

you know, like I,

my sobriety day is September 6th in 1992. And

I, I mentioned that because I,

because I heard this woman speak one time and she said that she said that her sponsor told her that if she didn't have a sobriety gate, that she didn't have a sobriety day and that she needed to get one. And for some reason, that just kind of gelled with me, you know, when I heard that and that,

you know, my sobriety data is really the most important day of my life.

It's a day that my life actually changed, you know, and

things started to happen.

I remember one year, my actual birthday is in May. It's a couple months down the road, May 15th. If anybody wants to get me anything for my birthday, put that in your calendar.

But my mother called me up a few years ago on my birthday, you know, and I was in one of those, you know, I was just full of self today that she called me, it was my birthday. And she says happy birthday. And I just it's not that big of a deal. Mom, I said you my sobriety dates

and

thank God for our 10th step and we can clean that stuff up because it was really a big day for my mother, you know, and so I had to kind of go back and say, you know, thanks for calling me and it was a big thing, you know. So anyways, but my sobriety day in this room, please don't tell my mom is the biggest thing in my life.

When I first came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I, I,

when I first decided to do it a as way,

you know, I went to those 90 meetings in 90 days like I heard about, and, you know, I can, I went to a lot of meetings and, and, and after I, after I started coming around here and I joined a Home group and, and, and after I started doing all that, after I've been around here for about, you know, 90 days, like my group would ask me to, you know, make a chair meeting or my group would go out and speak at different meetings And I get up at a podium and I tell my story or, or, you know,

I get up and I chair me. And, you know, back in 92, what I was hearing a lot of is dysfunctional families in the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I used to start my talk with, I can't functional family. And that's what I thought it took to qualify to be an alcoholic Anonymous. And I'm not going to talk about my dysfunctional family tonight because it has absolutely nothing to do with my alcoholism. You know,

I have two brother. I have one brother and two sisters and

my two sisters and my brother, when they drink, they can control their drinking. But when I drink, I can't stop. You know, I have this phenomenon with craving that takes, that takes over once I give into it. And you know,

my, we, we, we have the same mother, the same father, same biological everything, same opportunities, same everything. Yet when they drink, they can control it. So you know, this, this thing about, you know, alcoholism skipping generations and all this other stuff. I don't know.

You know, that's not my experience. My experience is when I drink, I can't stop. And that's, and that's really the bottom line, you know,

so when I, when I, so I used to start my talk off when I came from this dysfunctional family. And and then again, like I said, I'm not here to talk about that tonight

when I,

I got to tell you, I will tell you a little bit about my family, though. I on my father's side of the family. Let's see, I've got, I've got a cousin that's on the 10 and the FBI 10 most wanted list. And my grandfather, when my dad was born

back in the 30s, my dad was born and back, back in those days, the doctor used to come to the house and deliver the babies. You know, they didn't go to the hospital and stuff like that.

So my grandfather, my father's father, he stole the doctor's car and went down to the bar and when my dad was being born. And so that's my people on that side of the family and they and my mom side of the family,

they, I, you know, they're like military, retired military guys and

businessman and stuff like that. So, you know, but you know, you know, it's, it's, it's really, those are, those are kind of like who my people are, you know. And so,

you know,

when I, when I, when I was five years old, my dad, my dad was taken out of, out of our house in handcuffs. And I, and I remember seeing that and I remember, you know, I, I remember,

you know, later, later on, you know, my, and he never was to return home again.

My father was a, was a football coach for Thornton Academy. He was a school teacher. And, you know, and, and he would make these, these arrangements with me to come, you know, come pick me up and take him with him for the weekend. And but he wouldn't show up

when, when my dad was taken out of the house in handcuffs that that night

it was about,

you know, it was about, it was really late. I said, I understand it now that it was when the bars were closed, you know, my dad had showed back up home. And anyway, so growing up in the, in the 60s without, without your dad was just really tough, you know, single parent home. And I was a kid that used to have to bring 2 lunch monies to school in case somebody beat me up for the first one. I can still have the, you know, I was afraid of everything. You know, my, my, my mom told me, you know, don't fight anybody and all this other stuff. And that was a great

for me because I, I was just afraid, you know, So, so I put it all on my mother, you know, the reason why it wasn't a fighter, you know, and

up and so. So anyways,

when, when I was, when I was about 12 years old, my, my dad was, you know, I did see my dad and, and, and all that. And, but when I was, when I was about 12 years old, my, my dad was diagnosed with, with cancer and he was given like six months to live. And he kind of lingered on for six years and suffered for a long time.

And

anyways,

my father and I have had a falling out when I was around 14 years old and, you know, two years into his cancer or whatever, any, any choice. I never wanted to talk to me for the rest of his life. And I made a couple of attempts to go see him, you know, for the next couple of years before he died and, and he,

he wouldn't talk. And finally on his deathbed, he'd asked, asked to see me. He, he asked to see me on a Wednesday. And we got a call Tuesday night, he passed away. So we never got to clean that up, you know, and you know, I always went there to see my dad with the intention of him having to apologize to me, you know, and granted, I needed to apologize to him too, but he owed me an apology, you know, so we never, we never cleared that up. And I got to tell you that kept me

for a long time. You know, I tell the story, you know, in my drinking days. And every time I got to the part about him, him, him dying on this Tuesday night is when I is when I break down in tears. You know, I just hadn't resolved any of that. Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous. So anyways,

so, so there's all sorts of things going on When I was around 14 years old, I, I just, I discovered alcohol.

I mean, discovered it alcoholically. My best friend, his sister was 18 years old back back in Maine for a short period of time, illegal drinking age was 18. And, and Greg, my best friend and I, we went 5050 on a six pack of appeals real draft. And, and I drank four of them. And Greg drank too. And, but we split the cost right down the middle, you know, and I always drank that way. I always drank more than my share, you know, and,

and you know, there's a, there's a Chinese proverb. It goes some like the man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, and then the drink takes a man. And so, you know, you know, the man started taking a drink when I was like 9 or 10, you know, with my cousins and stuff like that. But then the drink started taking a drink. When I was with Greg that time, I couldn't really stop drinking. If there was more alcohol there, I would have drank it. I couldn't stop

and then the drink started taking a man because at night in my in my 9th grade in school, like I put school. So the drink started taking this from me,

you know, took my education, it took, you know, all my ambitions and aspirations. And

when I was and, you know, so I quit school and, and, and there was all sorts of things going on in my house. My, my, my dad was dying. My mom at this point had, had started working and, and she couldn't, you know, and she was like a falling down drunk and she used to drink in the high school dugout. So it was very embarrassing. And,

you know, and my friends would make fun of her and I'd make fun of her as well and, you know, and all that stuff. And, you know, and then I had a sister that was pregnant, you know, there's all sorts of things that were just going on

and, and, and so when I when I drank, it would take all that stuff away. And so, so I quit school and then then at around

19 years old after, well, I got to tell you to be,

you know, after I quit school, I always had some sort of job somewhere, you know, but

I'm a check writer. And, and so I would, I'd open up these starter checks and I'd never get it past the, you know, the starter checks before I'd be bouncing them all over town. So, so, so, you know, the, the law was the law was all on me. You know, I mean, I, I wasn't a hardened criminal yet, but

but you know, the remember that having a couple of visits from the local Police Department with some checks in the hand and say, you know, and, and so I was getting in a lot of trouble that way, you know, things are just piling up. The problems, my problems kept piling up. And

so anyways, between the, between the local law enforcement and my mom, they thought that it would be a good idea that I joined the join the United States Army and defend our country. And so,

so I, I did that, but I want to back up just a little bit because this is kind of like a big part of my story.

At around 16 years old, I, you know, after I started drinking, I was out partying all of the night and,

and, you know, and my mom would be passed out, you know, and then when I, she, you know, she, you know, she should, she'd always tell me that I needed to get in a decent hour or something like that. And something was one particular morning, I stumbled in at 5:00 in the morning. Now, I met a girl about a week before that at Beach Ridge Speedway and me and my best friend and we were all, you know, chasing girls that night. It was a Memorial Day Classics summer just started

and they were camping from Rhode Island in the parking lot with their parents and me and my friend, you know, we were out to the races and looking for girls and stuff. And after the races were over, we went parking in the parking lot and, and about a, you know, and, and the reason I tell you this is because, you know, I'm the Marion kind.

You show me a little bit of attention and we're going to get married and,

and, and so Anne Marie from Rhode Island showed me a little bit of attention and, and,

and then, you know, the next morning, whatever I do with my friend and I went home that night, you know, we're only 16 or whatever. And, but, and Anne Marie and, you know, we, we swore we'd be in touch and all this other stuff, exchanged telephone numbers and addresses and all this other stuff. It was a summer love and

about a week later I was out partying and Anne Marie obsessing about Anne Marie and got in at around 5:00 in the morning. So rolled into my mother's driveway and she met me right at the end of the driveway and she said, I told you if you can't get in this house at a decent hour, then you need to get out. So I told her exactly what I thought and I, I told her and, and then I just took all of my money, all of my $0.37 and I hit

to Rhode Island and wound up on Emory's doorstep the following morning.

And that was May, you know, may part of June of, I don't know what year it was. I was 16 years old. So that was 76 and,

and I never once called home until Christmas.

And, and my grandmother and my, my, my family, you know, they didn't know if I was dead or alive. And in the story that I told everybody was that my mother kicked me out

and what was me? So people put me up. Anne Marie's Anne Marie's sister slash mother

put me up and, and, and I lived with them and, and, and my drinking really escalated and so did my drug use.

So Christmas of that year, I, I called home and, and they, they allowed me, you know, that they, they wanted me to come back home. They were, they were just thrilled that I was still alive.

So I, so I, so fast forwarding into the military, I, I joined the military, you know, a few years, a few years later after bouncing checks and doing all this other stuff. And I

and then, you know, my

promise of piling up for me in the military too, every time I get in trouble. Alcohol was involved with it somehow.

So like, so I,

you know, how we have these bright thoughts, you know, we, you know, you know, I just have this bright idea. You know, one day, I mean, I was coming home, I was on in the military and they give you 30 days a year for vacation. They call it leave. So I take these leaves and I come home and I and I hook up with the, the girl that I went to the the senior prom with. Actually, her senior prom 'cause I never graduated, but,

but, so we hook up and, and, and Debbie had credentials.

She was a member of the South Portland Ladies Auxiliary of the VFW and also the South Portland Eagles. And I'll tell you, you could drink cheap at those places. And I was a military guy and I was used to not paying a lot of money for booze. And, and so we, so we go, we hit the clubs is what we called it. And so I do that one of my 30 day leaves. So anyways, I, I have two older sisters. They all had children and they had the families that were getting on with their life. And I was in the military and I this bright idea that I had,

you know, I need to, I need to get married and have a family that's as much thought as one into that. And,

and so then I made Debbie an offer that she couldn't refuse. Now picture this, especially ladies in the room. This is, this is a classic. I'm sitting at the South Portland VFW. I mean, the Eagles and the six foot, you know, 6 foot folding, 8 foot folding tables, right, with a citronella candle right in the middle of each one of the tables. And they're burning. And, you know, it's got indoor outdoor carpeting on the in the fetus stick into it. And the whole place smells like booze and.

And there's some cheesy country western band in the background. And,

and. And I asked Debbie to be my bride. I'll tell you

what woman would say yes on their property.

So, So we decided we get married

and

I'll tell you so anyway, so, so I, you know, we, we, we got married, you know, a few about a year later or whatever. And, and then I got out of the military and joined Debbie back home in, in our marriage. Last, you know, we, we, we started living together and, and you know, after we, you know, after I got home out of the own military and that lasted for about 3 months. And, and then we filed for divorce and, and

I didn't have a clue, you know, I just didn't have a clue about anything. You know, I didn't have, I didn't know how to communicate. I didn't know how to,

you know, and I married my drinking buddy and you know, and I don't know, she's alcoholic and not I really don't know. I don't know if my dad was I don't know. You know, I, I hear something said in the halls, if it walks like a duck, barks like a it's a it's a duck. But you know, the book is really clear. It says that you know what, you know, we never, we never got in diagnose anybody is alcoholic. It's up to their own cells to make

and, and, and good thing because you know, because it was really, I was really blessed to know that I was an alcoholic. And so I anyways,

so I married my drinking buddy and we divorced about 3 months after we started living together. And, and by this time I'm working in the car business and, and, and I'm wearing a suit and tie to work every day. And I had another bright idea.

Well, you know, after, after, after I got divorced, I felt like a complete failure. So I started isolating and, and, and I remember anybody, if, if anybody's familiar with where Jolly John's is, you know, in Saco Cross the street, there's a tattoo parlor.

Next time you're in the neighborhood, just kind of look at that tattoo parlor down where that tattoo parlor is used to be a fish market. And the fish market sold boots and above that it's a Cape. It's a small Cape Cod house. And and above that fish market is 2 ropes plus a bathroom in between both of them. And I rented that. That was my apartment. And I worked at one of the car dealerships right across the street

and I had this big dartboard in my living room and, and every Wednesday night we have replay darts and,

uh, anyways,

the, the fish market had the coldest beer in town and, and I had credit with a fish market. And so, so I charge up my paycheck and pay him every week and all this other stuff.

So here I am isolating in that small apartment and one of my, one of my friends comes over and he says, come on, Dave, let's go, let's go out. He says, you know, you've been cooped up here for a while, you know, and you know, I just didn't want to do anything. I, I felt like a failure. My marriage had failed. And all of a sudden I was drinking and I was perfectly content playing darts and just getting wasted.

And he said come on. Davies says. It's ladies night down to Soho, let's go.

So I, so I went down to Soho's That night. I met the girl in my dreams

or our hostage #2

So I met Sue and, and a couple months later we were engaged to be married and, and

so didn't drink as much as Debbie did. Sue. Sue actually told me that I was an alcoholic. She told my sister I was an alcoholic And, and you know, and then she told my family and that I was an alcoholic. And, and they, you know, they confront me and I say, you know, I'm not. No, I, I, yeah, I drank a lot. But I can stop anytime I want. I just don't want to stop. You know, I, I just like to party. What's wrong with that?

So Sue gave me gave me an ultimatum.

She said it's either me or the parties. And I said, see you later. It was that cut and dry. The book says the Alcoholics like a tornado that rips through the lives of others. And that's exactly what I did. You know, I look back on that today. Sue was a really good girl. And who knows if I wasn't crippled with this alcoholism where my life would be a day. But we do what we do to get to where we go

and and

so anyway. So anyways,

so but looking back on that, just how important alcohol was over another human being,

you know, that's pathetic. The book also talks about pitiful and comprehensible demoralization. That's totally pitiful, you know, and so anyways, so I

so so my life is kind of cave in on me. You know, I, my sister just bought a house and, and they had a basement in there and, and I had another great idea, you know, they could probably use some help financially. So I'll move out of my,

my fish market apartment and, and I'll just pay them 50 bucks a week to live there and, you know, in, in their basement and sound like a good, good idea to everybody. So I, so I moved into that basement and I was making back then I was making about $50,000 a year. And that was back in 92. That wasn't bad money back then, not bad money today. Anything's better than today.

But, but you know, I, I was thinking that in, in my agreed rank was $50 a week.

And what that would cover is all my food, my laundry and you know, my laundry and all that. And so, OK, so I, so I'm living in the basement

and, and by this time I got another why I had, and my license had been suspended. I was driving, I was in the car business. I was driving this brand new $20,000 car with it with no drivers license. I was one of the managers where I worked. And I remember the owner of the car dealership came in on his day off just out of the blue. And I was complaining about something because I was always complaining about something.

So he came into my office and he says he saw I start complaining about somebody. He says, listen,

I don't have any problem with that, He says, but I do have a problem with you and you're drinking. If you don't do something about it, you're going to lose your job. It was that. It was like he hit me like a Joe Bornstein, don't you know?

So I referred to the only thing I knew, and I just started crying. And then I always worked in the past, especially when I tell the story about my dad died.

So I,

so I, I,

you know, it's clear that I was pretty shook enough. So Peter gave me the rest of the day off. So I took my car. He didn't know I was driving without a license, took my car over to the fish market, charged me up a 12 pack of beer and went down to the bar where my brother was. And, and then him and I took a ride down the Portland headlight

and he brought us, he brought his drugs and I brought my my boobs. And

and then he then for some reason, I said he asked me the question. He asked me a question. He says, Dave, he says, how long has it been since you haven't drank?

And I, it was like a little light that came on. It says, geez, I don't know, Andy, you know, I think I might be an alcoholic. And it was like this major revelation. And

and so, so with that, I felt like I needed to tell the world. And so I called my boss and, and he says, well, I says look, look,

look, Bob. I says I'm, I says I, I think I'm an alcoholic and I'm and I'm even willing to try AAA

pieces. OK Dave, he says. Today's the first day of the rest of your life, he says.

This is come on in tomorrow morning and we'll talk with you.

I'm really proud of you. So I get there and then they decided that they're going to send me to the Mercy Hospital rehab. Now one of the guys that worked for the car dealership had just gotten out of the reading and and he says, and he says don't worry about it. He says when you get back, your job will be your job safe. But you're going to, you know, let's strike all the kettle's hot and you'll go there. Well, I didn't want to go to any rehab. I mean, I wasn't as bad as Keith was. And

I mean, I wore a suit and tie to work every day, so. So,

so I go, I go into rehab and I and I wear the suit and tie that I passed out the night before. And but you know, I kind of, you know, flatten it out a little bit and got it all straightened out and walked into the Mercy Hospital rehab. And they asked me a bunch of questions, and they asked me if it was the first time ever I was honest about. I mean, I had interventions along the way, but you know. But this time, you know, I answered them as honestly, I guess, as I could.

And they asked me if I sweat while I slept.

They asked me if I ever blacked out. They asked if I was, you know, if I had thoughts of suicide or homicide or, you know, and any of that. And they asked me all these questions, you know, and, and I was honest with them and, and then they said to me, well, they got some good news and some bad news. They gave me the bad news first. The bad news is I'll get a disease. They said it's called alcoholism. But the good news is that you can recover from it. They said all you're going to have to do is, is check in here for 28 days. This is when they did 28 day programs,

28 days and, and, and when you're and, and what can I introduce? We're going to put you into some group therapy and some therapy and, and then we're going to introduce to the people of AA. And when you get out of here, all you have to do is follow up with your aftercare and follow the lead of the people in Alcoholics Anonymous and you can recover from this disease.

So I set up and then, and then they said in another thing, they said, you're going to need a change of clothes because suit and ties, not the proper tie around here. So they were kind of on to me right, right away. So I, so I stayed for the 28 days and you know, when I went into the rehab they gave, they gave everybody got a soft covered big book and that was donated to the rehab by Alcoholics Anonymous.

So some group in a a donated some big books

and so they gave me this big book and everyone of my I like to call it my class, everyone of my class, because I never graduated anything, you know, so everyone of my class had had one of these big books and you know, when everyone signed it and you know, like a yearbook, you know, I felt like a Guinea schoolgirl for God says. And

but anyway, you know, I like to say that I was smarter than the average bear because I could I could talk this talk. I was, I was quick, you know, and,

and if it's they've been some guys at that rehab, some women too, that

they've been there a few times and a couple of them put in my book. If there's anybody going to get it, it's going to be you, Dave, you know, see you in the halls. You know,

I, I thought that the Doctor Evans School in 1992 was both me most likely to succeed. So,

so I, when I, when I was in that room, when I was in the rehab, they gave me a piece of paper and it was called an offensive recovery plan, offensive recovery plan. So I had to make this out. I had to put the meetings down that I was going to go to and I had to put the name down of my sponsor, a temporary sponsor. And you know, I was always like the easiest, softer kind of guy.

So I got Keith, the guy that works me at the car dealership to be my temporary sponsor because I heard people talking about this sponsors at these meetings they were taking me to. And some guys would say that the sponsor told them do this and they told you that. And they told nobody was going to tell me to do anything. And if Keith, did I fire him at work?

Lack of power was not my deluxe.

So, so Keith's name went down on the list that I had all these meetings and,

and you know what I, and in my head I thought was using, I can do these. But you know, when I got out of that rehab, I had a job. I mean, my job was waiting for me and it was, I had a pretty important job. I, you got to know that and, you know, I was indispensable and, you know, and so, so anyways, I, I go and I, I go to a few meetings, but you know, I didn't have a driver's license either, you know, so,

so, you know, I go to a few meetings and all of a sudden I,

I just stopped going. And

me and my, me and the other four managers were, were heading out to A, to a,

to a business trip in Denver, Co, about a few months after I got out of rehab. And while I was out, you know, we were all having lunch together. We were talking about the trip, you know, John with my best friend and one of my Co workers and you, him and I were going on team one and Peter and Joe were going on team two. And we were going to learn about a new computer software system and all this other stuff in the car dealership. And and so we're all for having lunch and and

John, my best friend says to Peter and Joey says you guys have a blast when you get out to Deborah. I mean, we were talking about the night life and everything else. Like, what am I going to do?

I mean, I want to Colorado. We're gonna have a good time and

but John says to Peter and Joey says a but he says, you know, you guys, you guys are gonna have a good time. But I'm going with the ex drunk over here

as I can see it now. He says we're going to be drinking coffee at the bar. He says no part of you trying to pay for those coffees with this poker chip. So you get,

well,

I don't know about you, but I drank because I needed to fit in, because I was afraid of everything. And here it was. My very best friend in the world wasn't accepting me because I was sober.

So I get out to Denver, Co, and John says, Dave, you're all the way out here in Denver. No one's no. All you're going to do, Dave, is control your drinking, he says. Put sodas between your drinks, he says.

So I like to say that every man has a belief. And I believe my friend John was right.

And I'll take a long deck Budweiser. And, and I took a sip and another one and then that one was gone. And, and then I, I was thirsty, man.

And then I, then I ordered a Diet Pepsi because I wanted to keep my figure

and, and then I ordered another chronic Budweiser. And then to hell with the Diet Pepsi. And that was on September 5th in 1992. And I don't remember much of that night. I, you know, I usually when I, when I drank, I black out, you know, I usually black out this particular night. I, I, I have some periods of Gray, which I kind of wished I would have locked out because that night I did end up in the hotel lounge singing a little karaoke.

And it was bad rendition of Mack the knife and I really do wish I I blacked out for that. I'm sure that the rest of the bar does too.

But I but you know, that's all, it's all funny and stuff like that. It is, you know, some of the stuff we do is, is quite hilarious really. Some of it's really pretty sad and pathetic,

but you know, like Billy said, if you know, I read somewhere, you know, God teaches, you know, teaches. Let us laugh, but never let us forget that we once cried, you know? And so

the real main reason why I'm here is what happened on September 6th of 1992,

September six in 1992, I came to see I passed out the night before. I never went to sleep when I drank, I always passed him. So I passed out my clothes and the Denver Hyatt, wet the bed and

came to the next morning and

I was laying in my bed, you know, nobody else was in my room. I was still fully clothed and wet

and my life kind of flashed before my eyes, you know, like the ghost of Christmas, Christmas, past, present and future, you know? But my life kind of flashed before my eyes. And it was like,

you know, this thought came to me, you trying to control your drinking last night and you couldn't stop.

People that at your age have homes, cars, families, educations, you have none of that. You're such a loser. You know, I, I, I guess at that point I got the, the, you know,

as best as I could. I got the second part of the first step because I, I measured manageability by possessions and, you know, accomplishments and stuff. But it takes what it takes today. I measure it differently. But, but I was, I mean, my life was a mess. I was 32 years old. I was living in my sister's basement

half the time. I wouldn't pair the rent. You know, the only money that I had to my name was the money that they sent me to Denver with so I could eat on,

you know, and the next thought that came to my came to my mind is you tried to control your drinking last night and you couldn't stop. The part of the book here in in the chapter more about alcoholism, it says we learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost self. That where alcohol, alcoholism, it says we learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost self

that we're Alcoholics. The next sentence right after that, it says, this is the flood alcoholism, It says we learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we're Alcoholics. The next sentence right after that, it says this is the first step of recovery.

So I got to tell you, even though Sue had told my family and my sister, confronted everybody, had confronted me, even the people in rehab told me I was an alcoholic. Even when they said you got alcoholism, you know, it wasn't until I fully conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. You know, that's when my first step of recovery started to happen. And, you know, something that was really amazing is I was the very last to know.

And so here I am,

you know, I'm laying in my bed. I'm feeling totally stripped, you know,

What am I going to do from here? You know? I made a defeat really

well, the book says we have two alternatives is we can either blot it out to the bitter end to the best of our ability or the other is to accept spiritual help. So what happened for me is I made my way to the bathroom and when I drank, I puke. I'm a puker. I'm a puker, puke a puker, you know, And here I am puking at the, at the in the in the toilet, you know, And every time I get in a scrape with a law, you know, especially bouncing those checks and driving offenses and all this other stuff, I'd always say, God,

Get Me Out of this one and I'll never do it again.

But here I am puking my guts out. And that's not the prayer I said that morning. I said, God, please help me. I can't do this anymore.

And it was at that point, you know, from that day up until now, I have not had the desire, the compulsion of anything to drink. I was just talking to Ben before the meeting and there's a couple other people that know me really well in here. I've had been going through a really rough winter this winter, very tough. But I'll tell you one thing, the insanity of alcohol has not returned. I do not have a thought of a drink,

you know, Is God great or what?

Yeah, something about knocking the door shell open. You know, I don't know. I I'm not a preaching kind of guy, you know, I I've heard that in a song somewhere, you know, not going to do. Still shall open. Seek and you shall find. And so I knocked and, and and I haven't had the desire of the compulsion to drink. The next thing that happened is I made my way on the airplane that morning and flew back to me

and I made a decision on that airplane and it's kind of, it's kind of apropos, I guess kind of really neat. I mean, it was kind of a

kind of a decision. I mean, it's kind of overcast coming out of Denver, But as we got above the clouds, the sun was beaten inside the cabin of the plane. And, and I made this, this decision that I do at a, a way. So when I touched down in Portland, I, I, I wound up in my basement suite at my sister's house and I got, I had some numbers for Alcoholics Anonymous. I started calling people, I got a sponsor. I jumped right into the middle of AAII. You know, I, I joined a group, I joined three groups. I became this and that and everything else in

you know, you, you guys just love me, you know, you and my family. I've been looking for you for a long time. You know, you're welcome. me and I used to hear things at these meetings. I was so it was just so nice to hear. Keep coming until you want to come is what I hear. Stuff like that. And for the first two years of sobriety, that stuff really worked. And you know.

You know, I was a GSRI was a treasure of a couple and my ego would arrive 20 minutes before I get here.

You know, it's like, it's like too much Cologne on, you know,

Dave, you know so, but you love me the less, you know, I mean, I'm sure you were talking about me behind your back because we're not perfect. We do that