The Tuesday night Surrender Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Portland, ME

Join me if you would and welcome tonight's speaker, Brian

's

and

would be the worst thing is flavored coffee.

I don't want to see him ungrateful but flavor coffee

anyway.

It's good to be here. Thank you for asking me to come up. I don't get out of Tuesday night, so it's a rarely actually come out and

I'm alcoholic. My name is Brian and I really don't know what I'm going to say, but let's start off with this. And my sobriety day is March 6th of 1993. The only interesting thing about that is I didn't get up that day to get sober. I I was on a three month relapse after being sober for a year and it was like any other day. I was going to go to the dog track and then go smoke crack and drink all night and somehow I got 12 step back in the AI. Haven't had to drink since. Or any other mind offering substance

and

and I find that amazing. I find that really amazing because I'm a guy who could not drink or could not not drink in any situation in any institution in any surrounding. I'm a guy who drank in prison. I drank in the youth center, I drank in rehabs, I drank in halfway houses. You wherever they put me, I would find a way to drink or I would drink.

I haven't had a drink in almost 15 1/2 years, so I'm still baffled by that.

It is good to be sober. It's good to be here. I, I, my Home group is the, it's in the book, Big Book Meeting and Camden, ME. But it'll not live in Camden, ME. I live in Union ME and you know where that's at. It's in the middle of nowhere

and I grew up on the West Coast. And I'm going to share with you the Big Book is really interesting. It really tells you what to do, you know, share what I was like, what happened to me and what I'm like now. And I, and I'm a guy when I first got sober and I, I, I come out of the Big book and I got sober out of the big Book. I got really directed

with some good directions and I used to speak and I used to say things. I would only talk about recovery. I wouldn't talk about where I come from. I think I did a big disservice to people because most people

need to know that I'm a real alcoholic. I need to know I'm a real alcoholic. I,

I grew up in California. I grew up in this town called Stockton, CA and I'm not going to take all the way back to my childhood. So no way I'm not going to do this for three hours. So, but I did grow up in California and I come from a family of, I'm the youngest of four boys and I and I come from a criminal background, if that's anything interesting anybody. But it's the mindset of the environment I grew up in. And

I was the youngest of the four and my brother died when he was

seven, I was 5. And so it's pretty much my two older brother and me.

And I was surrounded with

a lot of alcohol. My mom was a borrowing drunk. And I remember there was things I used to say about my mom because she was, I was a latchkey kid, which didn't hear that very out anymore. But basically, I mean, my parents worked. And so when I came home from school, it was just me and my older brothers and the neighborhood kids

and my mom used to come home. And the only reason I'm saying is there's nothing. But this is about my mom, trust me, But it's more about my mindset

and the resolve I had to not become like her and how I went 10 times worse than her. But my mom used to come home from work and she would slap us some food together if she did that and then she would bolt out the door of the bar room and I used to sit around. I was torn. Half of me liked it because then I could run the streets and do whatever I wanted. The other half was was mad because she would do that and my dad would then go out to the bar and try to drag her home and be a big battle or he would stay there with her all night. Sometimes she wouldn't come home till 3:00 and 4:00 in the morning, and sometimes she wouldn't come in the next day.

Oh, yeah, that huge resentment against my mom

growing up about because I thought alcoholism tell you and consider alcoholism. I just think she was making bad choices, you know, like she's just a bad mother because she would drink. And I remember thinking I'll never get like her, you know. And when I was 10-11 years old, I started, I started smoking a lot of outside issues. And then I started drinking a lot of booze. And it wasn't a day to drink. And I was just a guy who would still boost my mom's cabinet or

they'd have parties at the house and I would just get drunk and nobody would ever say anything. And and alcohol for me. And this was to be repeated all the way up to the age of 30 where I got sober.

Alcohol changed me. It changed everything about me. It changed how I felt about myself. It changed how I felt about you. It changed how I felt about the life, the world, that everybody. It just totally transformed me and made everything OK. But I would have never had put that. I just like to drink. I mean, I would have never put those words together. I'll call for me. I just like to drink. I like to go out and hang out with the guys while my mom and dad are out partying. And we would all go out to the fields and we would just drink and get drunk and then throw rocks through windows and do kids stuff, you know,

And there was not a lot of problems with my drinking. I my mom, basically her mantra was when I was growing up in high school, it was like, So what are you doing tonight? How are we going to a party? Going to a keg party? Oh, they're going to be booths. I said, yeah, hence the keg mom. That's the whole point of that. And she would say, well, if you, if you get drunk, just sleep in your car. And so when you're 16 year old kids, 17 year old kid, you got the green light to just get

trashed and then sleep in the car. That's what I would do. And, and the only thing significant about my drinking as I started to grow up is it started to get where

I would drink on the weekends and I would have fun, you know, like football game. We bought these big keg parties out the desert. This is in Tucson, AZ. I'm jumping all over the place, so just bear with me. And the only thing that I could see that could identify that maybe I had a problem with booze was I would never leave. If there's a cake party going on, I would never leave about a 15 foot circle of decay. Like I wouldn't know. I wouldn't go without eyesight, OK, You know, even if I had to go to the bathroom, you know, we just turn around and go. And I would never leave the party while

there. I was there one of those guys who would say, hey, we're see you later. I gotta go to work tomorrow. You know, like guys would leave at 11-12 o'clock at night. And I can always baffled by that. I like, why would you want to go? Like there's still booze here. We still got stuff happening. And then I would drink till it was empty, and then I would crawl in my car and then wake up six the next morning and drive home.

And I didn't think that's a problem. In fact, I thought that was kind of cool. I thought that was all right. You know, everything between 10 and 18 was kind of one of those. You know, I went to the youth center, ran away from home, stole a boat, got arrested, did some Viennese minor stuff, you know, stuff that, you know, lots of kids probably weren't doing. But I did.

And nothing was really like, you could have never had convinced me at the age of 18, I was alcoholic. It never would have done, never would have done it. You know, I was,

I was having fun. You know, I graduated 1980, which eight. So, you know, I'm 46 years old, which is another thing that confuses me that actually I still think I'm like in my 20s. I don't know what's up with that,

but I'm 46 and my wife would say 46 1/2, but I'm 46. And so when I graduated in 1980, and this is when, this is when and my drink was getting, it was getting progressively worse. You know, it was getting to where I would want to drink. It was getting where sometimes when I would, I used to always pride myself on having a job. I got a job,

you know, in my whole purpose for having a job was twofold. One is I would it's a good place to steal money. I never worked at any job that I steal anything from. So I kept me in weed and it kept me in drinking money. And two, I always worked in restaurants where we could still boost. So that was kind of my thing and put gas in my car. It wasn't like I wanted to further my career. Washing dishes at the, you know, take take a very guest ranch is where I worked a lot of is like an old dude ranch out in Tucson.

I stole a lot of booze from that place and stole a lot of steaks and had a lot of fun

and I and I started to do things. I started to drink it, you know, 1718 years old, start drinking on the job, not taking, not even thinking that's a problem, thinking that everybody does that. But I could identify any of that, you know, In fact, even when I was that sober in 93,

when I started going through the steps, I'd been in a A for a year before that. But when I got sober then I remember a guy take me to the steps and he started to explain alcoholism. I was in A for a year and did not know what an alcoholic was,

but I said I was alcoholic. And, you know, you guys didn't do it here, but Tucson and not knowledge means where everybody goes around the room and says they're alcoholic.

I said that for a year, never believed it once. And the only reason I did it was because every other duck was quacking in the room. And so when it came to me, I quacked like everybody else. And but the truth is in my heart of hearts, I didn't believe I was alcoholic, you know, And so it was baffling to me when I started to understand that, you know, I got a problem with alcohol and I didn't learn that till I was 30. And so when I graduated in 1980, I made this decision. I had a lots of times in my life where I could have gotten left or right and I started, I always went right and it was always wrong,

went right thinking that was the right way to go. And I made a decision. They're saying, well, you should go to college. And you know, if you're me and, and I came from a school and this is in Tucson, AZ that had 2000 students. It was a big school that was over 500 students in my graduating class and I was about 470 down the line. You know, like I was on the back end. I was barely graduating. I get kicked out all the time. And so when they said you should go to college, it was like,

yeah, that's not an option for me. And so a lot of my friends went this way

and a lot of my, you know, most of my pot smoking buddies and my drinking buddies, we kind of went this way and we all got four of us moved into a house together. And 1980 I'll never forget the June of 1980I graduated June and about two weeks after graduation, I moved out of my parents house and I started painting houses and, and doing what guys do you know, you work. This is we're working and I'm working 8 hours a day. We're all working construction. They're like Masons and painters and carpenters And we're you know, we, we work all day. We come home and we all come home with booze. We start drinking,

go off to the bar, we go play pool or we have a party at our house and it's not it's not a lot of problems. It's not a big problem. You know, I know nobody I knew was going to rehab in 1980. Nineteen 81 No, no, people would not come around anymore. That was kind of weird. People would also like stop seeing people and we wonder what happened. We didn't know they were going to rehab and so

I just was never spoken. AAI never heard of a a until I went to prison. And that was only because they announced over the PA system wasn't because I win, they just because they announced it. And then I look at all the people going to the images and judge them, you know,

so, So what happened for me? Drugs are part of my story. This is an 80. I'm gonna be real respectful of the of the traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. I cannot tell my story without telling what happened because in 1980, nineteen 81, though, I was become a daily drinker. And it was not like I woke up in the morning and drank. I used to say, well, I don't drink in the morning, but I get up in the morning and I get baked, you know, I mean, I'm like getting the bong out and I'm getting baked before I, you know, before I eat anything, before I do anything,

I'm getting slanted. I, you know, and then I go to work and then I work all day and at lunchtime I get baked again. And then around three or four, I start drinking. And so my measuring stick with I don't drink in the morning. And we had a few friends who were drinking in the morning, like, man, that's messed up. If I start drinking in the morning, I got probably got problems you drinking in the morning. But I would start thinking about drinking around lunchtime and I would be thinking about where I'm going to go that night, what I'm going to do. And in Tucson, it's really cool. They have drive through liquor stores, which I think is really impressive. And so you would, I would come off the job site and then

drive to liquor store and I get a 12 pack of Budweiser and 216 ounces in a bag. And then that would be the 216 for the ride home. And then I start drinking. But once I got it three or four into my, into my, into my 12 pack or wherever I was buying that night, depending on my finances, I would immediately start counting. I was the type of guy who I would see how many people were in the house, who was over that night, how much booze was around. And I would already calculate whether we're going to have enough or not. And then I would either bolt, go to liquor store and then stash it, or I would go to a club and drink, you know,

just go somewhere and drink where I can get my folks. I knew once I started drinking, I was not a guy who was drinking 3 or 4 beers and then going to bed. That's just not who I am. You know, I'm drinking till I pass out. That's the story of my life. But I'm not an alcoholic. I just want to have fun, you know, I mean, that's just having fun. That's what you do. And I started to get involved in this Tucson with what they call Cocaine Alley was like 30 miles from from Mexico. And

the Interstate, it was, it was, they called it cocaine, Alex. They brought all this stuff up through and it was really cheap

and I went to the dog track one night and I've been dabbling in that substance. You know what we call an outside issue in a a but I went to the dog track one night and I won a lot of money me and my buddy and we went to this guys house and instead of snorting it this outside issue, we started to smoke it. And now this is pre crack for all you guys and you have to label that because this is back in 198182. And

I got involved in that in a really deep way. And now I understand. I'm, I, I, I have

by nature a mind that always looks for shortcuts and always tries to get, you know, the easy way out. And I'm also a guy who, for lack of better word, I have a criminal mind. And so I'm always looking for the edge. And what I realize is the habit I was getting was I couldn't support that of my own financial nature. When you're making 7 bucks an hour penthouses and you're starting to smoke what I was smoking, you couldn't do it. So I started to deal drugs

and, and the, and the thing with me is

I love boobs. I love, I love the feeling of booze. But also, you know, when you start to get around 11-12 o'clock and drinking all night, you start getting a little tired. So I love this other stuff that was just actually catapult me to the rest of the day, rest of the evening. But then I realized I can't make enough money. You know, I couldn't handle this. So I started dealing drugs and I'm a guy. This is if you're a drug dealer, you'll know what this means. If you're dealing the substance you're smoking, it's a problem.

And if you're good like I am, which is, you know, I don't have a lot of money to go get. So I would go get these oz from these guys. I'd say, hey, can you give me an ounce? And then give me an ounce and I've I'll get you back in a week. You know, if give me an ounce, they trusted me. I'm a nice guy. Look at me. Come on. You would give me your wallet in a heartbeat. And then I would I would start to slaying little nickel and die, you know, quarter grams. Then I'd come back with about 1500 dollars, $500 short and I would say, hey, look, here's this

and I got the other 500 fronted and I'm going to get that to you next week. And I kind of get another one. And then I started piling this up. And then after about six months to about a year of this, I started going to other dealers. And then pretty soon after about a year and a half, my name starts getting slammed all over town. And I'm, you know, now I'm getting to a place where people actually want their money back. You know, I understand that, but I thought they were being inconsiderate because, you know, this is a business. Actually just had a little patience, please. And

the whole time

I'm a guy, I'm living such a double life. Nobody knows what's going on. Nobody knows. My fiance doesn't know. My roommates don't know. Nobody knows how deep I'm getting. Nobody. And I was 21 and I was in a place and I'm not a guy who I've never been. I know some people are like this really depressed. You know, I'm not a guy who would go into deep depression. I mean, I, I used to like to listen to the wreck at the end of Fitzgerald and then, you know, with all the lights off and think about my funeral. But I wasn't really depressed kind of guy.

That was our thing. I was sitting around one night with this guy named Dave, Dave Kerr And and him and I were like running partners. Here's my Rd. dog. We ran together, we worked together, we drank together, we smoked together and and we were just everybody was out partying and I didn't have anything. I didn't have anything. I had no money. I don't really talk to the club. I had no, I couldn't get any of this outside issue that I like to smoke and I couldn't get anything and I couldn't get any booze. And we're sitting around and he's like,

he's like, hey, this sucks. I go, yeah, man, this really sucks. And so I came up with a plan and the plan for me and, and, and Dave was the type of guy Dave wasn't a leader. I was a leader, which is always weird. Something like 5 foot one, I should be leading in it. And I get and I get really stupid thoughts like, so my thought this night was, hey, we could go rob the Kentucky Fried Chicken. That was the plan, you know, and they've never committed a crime in his life. I mean, I've been to the youth center, I've done stuff, but he never even thought about that. I said, look, I got some pistols

and ski masks. Let's grow. We go down and

these guys up boom bang, we'll take the safe. We're good to go and I got been there late night. There's there's like a week cruise like three people, 2 girls and some goofy guy. We can do this.

So we, you know, it was like

it was a back in black AC/DC, it just come out, you know. So we were jamming over there. We were like, I used to have long hair and wear these big bandanas, you know,

and I would like, you know, like, and we're like, yeah, we're doing this. We're taking this down. We went in there. We didn't do it. We didn't find a troopers meal

and I remember and this sucks, you know, we just we were like and Dave was one of those. Dave was a bummer. You know, used to bum me out all the time. Dude, you're bumming me out, man. Like because he was one of those guys who go in depression. And

anyway, I dropped them off and I said, I'll see you tomorrow. You know, I usually pick them up for work and that, but I didn't, I didn't go home. You know, I went home. You know what I did? I drove home and I, I, I got a piece of hose and I cut off a piece of hose. I got a roll of duct tape. I threw it in my roommates car because that's good going to rob this place with and I drove out of the desert and, and the thought of suicide had never come in my eye. And I never even thought about that. It wasn't a fad like it is now with people doing it wasn't even I never thought about it. I didn't know anybody never really even talked about it. But that

I was so hopeless and I was so desperate and I was so like just empty and dead inside that I was going to check out. And it was not one of those cut my wrist running my roommates room and say, look, I'm, you know, Take Me Out. It wasn't none of that. It was like I'm driving out of the desert and I'm out in the middle of nowhere and I get out of the car and I put the hose in, I tape it up and I get in the car and I start pumping fumes and and I just don't see any hope. See, this is 21 years of a 21 I was at

That's why we guys come in 18/17/16. I don't even question it. You know what, because at 21 I was so hopeless, you know, and if somebody would have told me, you know, just suck up that wasn't I was dead inside of 21 and I didn't get so nine years later and I started pump the fumes and, and I got really close to dying that night. I got really groggy and I started getting nauseous. I started to nod out and I was writing

letters and and and this is the type of son I was. So you understand how big this moment was.

I was the type of son that when my mom and dad questioned my drinking a couple years earlier, three years earlier, they'd said me and your dad want to talk to you and they said, you know, we were concerned about your drinking. Why should stop going to my parents house? That was my solution. Like, OK, I'll check into that. And then I just wouldn't go home. You know, I live a mom. My mom, I hadn't seen her except on Christmas, Thanksgiving and my birthday, maybe her birthday. And 4 * 5 * a year. I go see my mom. I live a mile from right. That's the type of sun I was right. And so here I am, writing this letter.

And I was writing this letter to my mom and I don't know, you know, this is definitely a God thing for me because at that moment, at that time, I had this overwhelming thought of how much that would destroy my mom because she had already buried one of her boys. And, and I don't know why that selfless thought came into my heart that at that moment, I can't do that to my mom. It wasn't like I had any more hope. It wasn't like I had a plan. It wasn't like things will get OK. I, I still think it was going to be crappy. But at that moment I thought, man, I can't do that to my mom. I love my mom too much to have

another boy. And

and so I drove, you know, I just climbed out of the car and I walked around the desert and I came up with another plan. This is my second big plan in one night. So, you know, I was on A roll and and that and I planned this out, but I drove into town the next morning. I bought the bank, you know, and it was about that casual. I walked in, stood in line. In fact, if I had to read, if I had to reinvent that whole scenario, I can still remember the lady looking at me like, what are you crazy? I went to, you know, if you fill out your forms, you know, you fill out your, you know, your,

I basically wrote on the back of it. I didn't know I was writing this, but I wrote, I have a gun. This is a bank robbery. I will kill you. Give me $50. That's what I wrote. And I stood in line. So I took mine and when it was my turn, I called up and I split the lady's a note and she looked like this down with me. That's what it felt like she was like,

and I looked up at her and said, yeah, I'm serious. And she slid me a $50.00 bill and then I took it and ranked

and

criminal here, I'm not really a gangster. I'm just, I was not those punk. I weighed about 105 lbs and, and I was just way out of control. And I've never the only, I remember that as I, I think I was in a silver blackout because I was sober at the time. I ran to my car, which I parked a couple blocks away and I drove about 3 miles to a 711 and I was shaken so bad it was like shaking. And I went in about a 12 pack of Budweiser and I got about four beers down. And as soon as I was done with that 4th one, it felt like everything

was like like booze worked for me every time. It was like, all right, dude, that was crazy. You know, like that's and you only got 50 bucks, man, that's not even worth it. So I rode across town and it robbed another bank about an hour, maybe 50 bucks. I know people would say, what did you get? None of my business. But I didn't get 50 bucks

and then and then I came home. I paid all my debt stuff. I went to every drug dealer I owed money to paid everybody off.

I reopt right a couple times and I paid my rent. I paid every bill. I paid everything off when I had a pocket full of money and a bag full of coke and some booze in a bag. And my girlfriend says God love her. She says, how was work? And I'm I'm a painter, right? And anyone painted for a living knows that you come home with paint on you. I came home the last year that I live with that woman covered in tape and I was clean as can be and I said work was great. Let's go out to dinner. We'll go stop.

And

we did. Yeah. We went out. I started spending money like I was a drunk sailor. And about six months later, six months later, I, I remember I am, I had a boss that was, you know, he was like I was. And I said, hey, I need the keys to the van. Then I got to go make some errands and say, hey, give me the keys to the van. I drive into town, rob a bank, go back to the job site. And I'm thinking, seriously thinking, why is everybody doing this, You know,

asking for it, man. They just give it to you

and

what I I didn't understand, but but here's what happened 2 weeks later,

two weeks, about a week later, I came home from work. This is just give you the definition of the guys I run with. I came home from work. It was like every other night I had some booze I went to put in the refrigerator and I looked on the refrigerator and there's a picture of me that was cut out of the paper. One of my roommates had saw it, cut it out of the paper and put it on that thing and it didn't say my name. It was just like me coming out of a bank waving, you know, like, hey, and I don't even said $5000 reward

call hate a crime. That's what a crime started hitting the road. You know, everybody's like, so

I like immediately my knees start bucking. I'm like, man, looks just like me. I didn't even have that shirt in my room right now. And I'm like, man. But I like get my stuff together and I rip it down and I go out. My roommates roll out there and they're all big because they've been home like an hour. And I throw it on the table. I'm like, dude, what's that? And they go, man, it's crazy. Brian, some dude looks just like you.

They said that it's like, you know, I thought cool, if they don't know, then nobody knows. And then about a week later I got arrested. FBI came in and and they arrested me. You know, somebody obviously, you know, needed a new car or something,

but they arrested me. And and then the only thing that significant is my parents did what parents do. My parents love me so much is they bailed me out three days later and they got me a lawyer. And then the lawyer told me the truth, which nobody really told me the truth, which is, Brian, you're going to go to prison. You can't rob three banks,

not go to prison. And I said, what does that mean? You're like, will you a year, two years? He said no, probably 5 or 10 years. Now, when you're 21 and you're talking 10 years, that's like a that's 30 is like so old, right? I mean, I remember that 30 is like ancient. I got a 17 year old daughter. She's a foster daughter, but she's my daughter. I know she's like thinking I'm ancient, you know, I mean, I get that, that thought process and I thought my life is over. It is over

and so I started drinking really, really bad. I started waking up drinking. I once I start drinking because I have this physical allergy to alcohol.

Once I put alcohol into my system, it's not like I just drink a few and then call it good. I drink

all day and I do other things all day so I don't fall asleep or if I do pass out, I wake up and I start drinking more. And it was bad for about 2-3 months. It was really bad. I was really bummed out and I knew what's the use. And one day everybody said hey, we're going to the bar. You know, they're all happy to go to the bar. I don't have any money because nobody's hiring me, right? Because I'm going to prison soon and nobody's giving me any drugs for free anymore, you know, because I'm hot as heck. You know, nobody wants me even around and understandable, right? And I'm

thinking man this is suck. I look at my roommate and I said, hey, I've already car. I need to go cash a check.

Hey, this I want to take his inventory, but come on, dude, I haven't worked in a long time. I don't have no check to cash, but he gives me his keys to his car and I drive. It's a Friday afternoon and I go rob a bank on a Friday afternoon and I knew I was going to get pinched. I knew it and I didn't care. It's like, So what? I'm getting some money tonight and I'm drinking and partying this weekend. And that's what I did. I drank and party that weekend and I knew the FBI was coming after me Monday or Tuesday. I just said, well, whatever. And they came and got me on Monday and I didn't see the streets for the next six years.

And and thank God they saved my life. You know, there's a running joke, guys who do time, you'll know this, you know, it's like resources. Yeah. You weren't arrested. You were saved, You know, and the truth was I was saved. I wasn't, I was a train wreck. Rating happened. You know, I wasn't going to be my life. It was going to be somebody else's, you know, and that's the way it was going to go down. And I just didn't see the severity of it. I just didn't get it. I was so immersed in my alcoholism. And so six years now I got a six year sentence. I'll make a lot of running, running right to the to the solution. Now I

five years, eight months on that on that bit got out, didn't think I was going to drape. I was just do my do my time and I was old law fed and I would just get off. But I I can't, you know, I can't that they can give me all the condition. In fact, my Froster was real clear. It's not he tricked me. He gave me all the things I needed to stay on the streets. He said you can't drink alcohol, you can't use drugs. You got to be here when you're there. He gave me all the rules and laid them all out. But as soon as I'm on the streets, you know, as soon as I'm out there, I think I stayed sober maybe a month.

You know, I drank one time and I said, OK, I got to do that, kind of control myself. And then I, I just, I have a mic. It's never been the first drink that's always got me drunk. I used to love that. That's a great line, right? It's the first drink to get you drunk. That's it ain't a lot. And I think it's a cute saying, but I think they're missing the point because it's never been the first drink that's gotten me drunk. It's been the unprotected thought that precedes the first drink. So you can see that's the deal for me. Like I have a type of mind

when I shouldn't drink. I will go to prison if I drink. There's no reason to drink. I'm OK, but I'm not OK. And the thought pops up into my head and I don't even think about it. I don't think about the consequences. I don't think about how I'm going to get beat the system. I just say screw it and I drink. I end up in liquor stores. I end up at bars drinking. I don't even know how I got there. I got no protection against the first trick. I don't care what conditions you put on me. I don't care

what's on at stake, girlfriend,

freedom, family, job, it doesn't mean anything, man. I don't have any protection against that first drink. I will drink, OK, That's just the way it is. And and so I started drinking. I got no protection. I got no recovery and I didn't I'm not doing a a I'm supposed to go to a A, but I'm signing an A I'm you know, I learned the system a long time ago. I went to one a meeting and

ask who needs to sign my list. Like I thought the president was gonna sign my list, right? Nobody's in charge today. It's some goofball with no teeth size my list. So I'm thinking, come on, this guy can't write his name. And that's the if that's their checked system here. I got that. So I started writing meetings down and then, you know, about four or five months later, my professor calls me and he said, hey, I'm looking at your a A list and I see on Wednesdays you go do this and I'm pulling my list out on the phone. Like, yeah, that's the meeting I go to. He says, yeah, when's the last time you were there? I

I was there last Wednesday. That's weird that meetings been closed for six months

and he says. And also you tested positive for We have 330 errands and

and I said this is what I say. I say, yeah, was that me? Like, you know, I got know what I mean?

Why don't you come down and see me? And I'm like, yeah, Tim, that's probably not going to happen. I just want to let you know that right now. I'll see you later. I hung up. I was living with my parents, walked into my bedroom, grabbed all my stuff, threw into my car. And my mom says, where you going? And I go, I'm moving. I don't tell her where I'm moving. I don't tell her. I don't say anything, right. I'm moving. And I move out that night. And it lasts another four or five months on the streets before the Marshalls arrested me. And if I had more time until that colorful story, because that was a nightmare. But the truth is I'm a wreck

alcoholic. I'm a real alcoholic, man. I just can't not drink, you know, I just have to drink, man. And, and with that goes everything else. And so I end up going back for a year, a violation. And now I got 7 seven years in almost and I get out and the only thing different getting out this time, the only thing different was that

I don't want it right now. I'm really starting to think I shouldn't drink. I think I'll just go to this halfway house. And I went to this place called New Beginnings treatment Center, which is kind of like the this place probably is a it's a halfway house for guys coming out of prison to transition back in. And the the first day that I'm allowed to go out of free and I have like $50.00 to my name. That's all I got. I'm 29 years old and I'm broke and I'm homeless and that's all I got. And my mind as soon as I step out the gate and hit the door, hit the street and start walking, this thought pops into my head. It's like you should have a dream

and I go drink that day and then I get caught three days later and I get sent AA this time for real. And I don't know why my frost who sent me Alcoholics and honest and I don't really care. I just know that for some reason he thought that he would give me a break. And so I went to AA and I lasted a year and A and here's what happened in AA for me. First off, I really started seeing that I got a problem like this is a problem. I'm going to about ready to go back to the penitentiary one more time.

Like that's something wrong with that picture. I'm willing to give up my freedom.

And I started thinking, you know, I'm 29 years old

and my picture of an alcoholic is a guy living on Skid Row. I don't fit that picture, though. Here's how ignorant I am, a weak, you know, like not even a week in the sobriety, I'm selling blood on the streets. That's how, that's how poor I am. That's where I am at. I have actually no money. They gave me one break. I got to go get a job. I have no money to get a bus pass. And so I'm out selling plasma because new donors get 25 bucks. And I remember standing in the line, I was on 4th Ave. downtown Tucson. And I'm waiting in line with everybody else. And you had to tip the scale

110. So I remember wearing 3 layers of clothes so I could tip the scale. OK, That's how pathetic I am. And I remember looking around all the other losers that were in line with me, thinking what a bunch of losers like I'm a player, you know,

but you know that I was the shortest captivity from 1980.

I kind of like that means anything, right? That was my claim of fame. Shortest favorite captured for seven years. Big deal, right? And

I go to a A and I start hanging out and a A. And the one thing I, I, I, there's a few things I liked about a A There's two things I didn't like. Must say what I didn't like. I didn't like that they were

way too friendly and they looked you in the eye. I didn't like that I was a shoe watcher. I strictly came and looked around, you know, basically found the chairs by looking at the floor. There's no shoe there. I'll sit down in it. Could not look you in the eye because I know you would know who I really was. I didn't like that they were mentioning God a lot. That really bothered me. I was a atheist when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I hated God. I hated you. A few hated if you liked God. I hated you if you talked about God. I hated you. If they talked about God and Amy's, I would get up in the middle of me and leave.