New England Fellowship of the Spirit conference in Portland, ME

Got this two handed drinking problem. I don't know where I got that.

My name is Mark Houston. I'm a recovered alcoholic.

Hey, Phil, they forgot to tell you in order for you to get that book, you got to come up here and talk for 10 minutes.

Just just kidding, buddy. Just kidding.

Wow, It's great to great to be here. One of their little segment of that story,

uh, when I got some, what I thought was intuitive direction about coming here to speak with you. It was the summertime

in

Monday. Somebody, you know, my pal Chris R, Chris Raymer and I, I was going up to speak at his group and it's 81° and I got a new iPhone and I'd put in Portland, ME and it was two above 0.

And I realized the error of my decision making.

But then of course, you see what God did. He brought along a beautiful day today and you know all the rest. So

I don't know if some of you know Matthew's, Matthew Sizing from Denver. He was very involved in Fellowship of the spirits around. He sent me a text message about 15 minutes ago and said tell the folks up there I said hello and pull the governor off of it, right. So

Don Pritz, who you know, I'm really connected to a lot of you in in so many ways. And of course, I sobered up in Denver and Don Pritz was one of several sponsors I had and, and I would say certainly had a,

a huge influence on me. And I went to the very first fellowship of the spirit that they had in Colorado. I think they were, might have been 100 people there at the at the most. And now I think there's eight or nine of them, you know, all over the country, you know, you if you knew sitting in here, whether you got a little bit of time or a lot of time, you know,

we're agents of God spearheads. So God, to see God takes a guy like him and impacts

thousands. So you don't know how you're going to get used. You got to let go of that thing. You know, I used to warn guys, they, they brag about Don P was sponsoring my said, oh, I feel sorry for you. And they go, why? And I said, oh, 'cause you're going to get sent somewhere,

see?

Good to see Ralph there might you know Joe Joe Hawk God bless him. You know, he passed away and, and sent to LA, he never living together in Denver and goes to LA and, and a whole bunch of people ask him to, you know, sponsor him. And you can't do that. And he starts a workshop and just, it multiplies, you know, like, like rabbits. And it's an amazing thing. If he, if you haven't gone to other fellowship, the spirit conferences, then you,

you don't know what it's like. But I, but I got to tell you, 'cause I, I've gone to a lot of others. They're hands down my favorite place to go.

And the reason is, is because of the agreement and the work we make before we ever come here, which is that there's a set of precise, specific, clear cut instructions that if we will take those, we will have a revolutionary spiritual experience, begin to work with the disciplines of 1011 and 12, and have an amazing life in all aspects. And we get to bring that together. So these types of gatherings to me have always felt very calm.

You know, you go to some of them. There's that frenetic energy. It's so intense. Sometimes I just have to find a space and like hide out so they don't. You get sucked into the vortex, you know, and you

and when you leave one like this, you know, your head doesn't spin for a week, you know, like in some of them. But see, you go to conferences and conventions where where you have people that have a lot of experience with step 12312.

She she leave feel a little toxic for a period of time. You know, it's just just the way that goes. But

I was thinking

Jack last night. Where's Jack yet? Where's your hand, Jack Who? Yeah, I was thinking Jack. I, I, I loved it when you said, you know, you tough guy and you go up the nursing home, beat someone, I'm going to go up there with you, you know,

see, I like what Ralph said about messy. You know, I don't, there's no arrival place. You know, I'm in my 27th year for many, many, many years. I resubmit to the first nine steps, see, and and

you know, I've got a spirit house in this body, but I still got this, this human experience going on. And So what does that mean? It means there any given day, if I fall asleep, I still got this, this human experience going on.

And So what does that mean? It means on any given day, if I fall asleep, I fall, I fall short,

see, I fall short. And if I fall short, I normally get afraid. And if I get afraid, you're going to get a reaction out of me and it won't be spiritual in nature,

but I have a tool to clean that up.

So you know, I, I tell you, I always laugh when someone talks about

bringing themselves to AA. You know, like you, we sat down January 1st and we looked at our day planner and said, I think what I'll do on February 9th, I'll, I'll go to AA or however we get here. You see, outside of my birth, probably the most single miraculous event of my life happened the morning of October 19th and 1982 in Aurora, Co. In which the power of God.

Because that's what I'm going to talk with you about. Not God, the power behind the name

see separating me from alcohol. And that power has kept me separated from alcohol

from then till now. And guess what?

The most miraculous event of my life. I'm sound asleep to

maybe about six months later this little thought comes into my mind

because I was a daily drink, drank a lot. Somewhere around six months, the thought creeps through my mind of,

wait a minute,

he drank for 20 years. The only time that you ever did not drink on a daily basis when you absolutely couldn't because you were either confined, locked up or whatever, and you've gone six months, there's a slim chance you're not doing this.

See. You see, How do you help somebody that asleep?

You understand what I just said this we there's so many things we lay claim to. You know, there's a there's a story that describes me in every Alki I've ever worked with

about how asleep I am. And the story goes like this. There was a guy he loved to hunt ducks and, and he had a neighbor who was a drunk like me. And, and one day he, he went out, he went out hunting and he shot a couple ducks. And then lo and behold, this dog shows up. And to his amazement, this dog walked across the water to retrieve these birds he shot. He was just flabbergasted. He never said anything like it dog walking across the water. So he goes

back the next day and the alkie's getting drunk and he says, are you gonna go hunting tomorrow? He said, yeah, I am. The algae said, I'd like to go with you. So they owe Alki did what we do. He just kept drinking all night. And so they they get up early and they go back out to the duck blind. They got this dog there and they start shooting ducks. This dog's walking across the water and retrieving the ducks six times. And of course this normies waiting for this alkie to say something about the fact this dog is walking across the water.

He does it. So finally the guy turns to him after he retrieved another duck. He brought it down and lays it right in front. He walked across the water

and he says to the elk, he said, you see anything strange about that dog? And the elkie kind of looks down and he looks back and he goes, as a matter of fact, I did. The poor thing can't swim.

See, if you got a mind that's looking at the world like that, you're a deep shit.

And and I'm going to refer to that a lot because long time sober, sometimes that poor dog can't swim. See, that's the kind of mind I had in this grace and this power showed up, you know, in, in my life.

You know, I drank, drank for 20 years. It took my first drink when I was 16 and I drank the last 36. And and, and I got separated from it. And and unbeknownst to me, you know, the big books so massively lays out how we find out our truth.

And I'm going to talk with you about that. Matter of fact, I'm recently in the process of reworking through the steps and I've gotten the inventory and I I just always pray about, you know, what would God have me, me do and share with you and I got some inventory. I want to show you how I write inventory. I want to show you how I got to where I am the state of conscious now of writing what I what did I do? How do I look at this first step? But the idea that

I take a drink

and then I think I take the next one and the next one and the next one kept me drinking for a long time. It never occurred to me that I take a drink and then at some point the drink takes the drink.

You get that, see the book uses the verbiage. You have a phenomena craving. I've always laughed about that 33 pages in the big Book were devoted me to devoted to help me look at one question mark. Would you take a drink? Do you lose power, choice, control over how much? Now, that doesn't seem like it would take 33 pages to do that,

but it does if you're an alky who doesn't want to be an Alki.

See, I remember I, I, you know, the big books got drunk questions all the way through and I'd try them out. My mother

and you know, I I'd say to her you, you know, because you know, bless her, she's passed away now and she drank for 60 years, but she's not one of us. And I'd say to her mom, I got a question. You know, you're going through and you're having this profound experience and you you've seen that once you take a drink, it takes you and the books told you why. And you see your experience, you see it's true. And so I'd say, well, let me ask you a question, you know, because I, I saw her get drunk sometimes and I say,

would you take a drink? You lose power, choice, control over how many you drinking. She looks at me and she goes, why would I do that?

See a normal person, you know? But that that's why there's 33 pages.

See people are an alcoholic don't understand something I was telling a new guy is talking to today. When you asked me to quit drinking, you asked me to give you my life.

When you asked me to quit drinking, you asked me to give to you the only thing that gave me any ease and comfort because I got no conscious contact with God. You mean asking me to give up vodka? You're asking me to give up my life? You're asking me to give you my arm, my leg. You see, that's why one alcoholic working with another alcoholic. We get that, see? We know that we're asking for so much more. You know, we'll talk a little bit with you about the effect produced by alcohol.

I look at that. I've had to look at that a lot. Why 'cause I think

not looking at it leads people to taking a drink again. Yeah. You know, I had to understand what the big book meant when it said the alcohol was Mark's master. And look up the word. What does it mean to be a slave to something? See, that was my relationship with alcohol. That's the power in the poll that alcohol had on me. And the reason was the effect produced. It gave me some sense of ease and comfort in a world that is too big and frightens me. And there's only two ways I operate in this world. A lot of conscious

contact, and I stress the word conscious contact, not belief in God,

a lot of conscious contact with God. Or my experience is I'm going to have a lot of vodka and it's the only two things that have ever given me ease and comfort, see? See, how do you stand in front of a large group like this without a lot of vodka? Well, you better have a lot of God. See,

he said when asked me, you know, about speaking and you know, what do you like speaking? I said, who? Who would like standing in front of the most selfish, self-centered, judgmental group of people in the planet? I said, you act like there's a say in this, You know, I said, no, I, I, I don't, you know, it's a, a is not the Kiwanis Club. You know, it's, it's full of judgmental, selfish, self-centered comparative, you know,

it's it, it rolls like you better have God when you're going up to do this, see. And then, you know,

then they tape it and then it goes over the Internet is, you know, things have changed a little over the years, right? You know, but, but back to this first step, you know, from my first drink when I was 16 right up to my last one, I take the drink and then the drink takes the drink. And I never got that. I never understood that because early on that drinking, I can drink all kinds of alcohol,

drive the car and you know, you ought to know there's something wrong when you're 16 and you got three pals with it and you buy a case of beer and, and I'm driving the car and, and by the time the night's over, those three are puking. I've probably drank almost half of a case and I'm still driving and they're all sick. Now I'm bragging the next day. I shit, in hindsight, I should have knew that that was a problem. See, my body was having an abnormal reaction to alcohol and I didn't take it as an abnormal reaction, but I for the very first drink, you know, the effect

reduced. See that effect produced and then the the tragedy of the illness that I have called alcoholism around this phenomena craving is I don't know, you know, we we all have a point. For me, it was probably about four drinks, big ones.

And it took me my place, you know, not much different in the place I go in meditation, you know, the place, you're just OK and you can breathe, you can relax, you know, and it's not a question anymore. If you're not good enough and you're not this that, you're just here and you're present. Oh, God, it's nice. And then that drink says I need another.

And then you drink the 5th and then you're on to the 20th and you zoom way past the very reason you took it to begin with. And you get there's nothing you can do about that. But you don't even know that's going on asleep, dreaming. You're awake thinking you're having fun, you know,

So, but that went on, you know, And then then the other piece is as I got older, born and raised in the Midwest and finishing up college, get drafted, get sent to Vietnam and begin to mix a lot of outside issues along with with the alcohol. But the outside issues were all about the capacity to drink more alcohol.

You know, I, to this day, probably love alcohol more than most people drinking it. You know, I, I mean that it's absolutely the truth. I don't deceive myself about my relationship with alcohol. This is a room full of people who are just like me. The day before you came into these rooms, you had a throne. And wherever you lived now, it may have been your car

or may have been a home, but you had an altar. And on that altar was your

drug of no choice. Alcohol like mine, if I'd done it or if I had to do it over again, I'd had great bottles. And I just got down every morning said, oh, what King alcohol, let thy will be done in my life today, You see, because it was and because I served it, right? See, that's the relationship with alcohol. And you come in and then I think there's something I'm going to do to get myself sober, right?

See that power behind the name got me sober. And then if you believe the Big Book, and I do because my experience with the Big Book says that what it told me was my truth, then now I'm given a responsibility once I get awake enough to realize there is a God. I experienced that God. It's in my life. And now my responsibility is to do the things necessary to get to the place the Big Book talks about called

Fit Spiritual Condition. The only reason I'm standing here with you tonight? The only reason I didn't drink today

is fit spiritual condition and I am responsible for that. Not.

I mean, if this whole thing was about God, the big booklet one page long, it'd say God gets and keeps you sober, have a good day. It doesn't. There's a lot of work in there that I actually have to take right see.

And then we we actually get the easy part.

The easy part is we take this action and it that power God

does all the rest. Our part is easy, like putting together swing set instructions right ABCDE getting the swing and swing.

They have that awareness of that.

My lack of understanding about the obsession that this disease has almost killed me,

meaning pages 23 to 43 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous does a masterful job of talking to me about being stole cold sober and then my mind convincing me to take a drink again, to commit the most insane act of my life sober,

to answer a question.

Am I involved in that?

See, and the horrific part of that is sometimes I am and most of the time I'm not. I work a lot with men. They have a lot of relapse history. I love to ask them a question. Were you involved in your last relapse? What do you mean?

Did you choose to drink Now I'll go, Oh yeah, I said, well, you don't need to do any work with me. They go, what do you mean? I said because if I could choose when I'm going to drink or not drink, I don't need to be an A A

They go, Oh my God, see, because a very

a very fundamental thing has been completely missed.

Big book talks about it. It says the extent to which Mark can recover to non spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which Mark lost the power to choose whether Mark will drink or not drink. And I haven't experienced abundantly confirms that when I would wake up in the morning, I had no say in whether I drink or didn't drink. Which is why I am 100% hopeless apart from divine help.

But since the dog can't swim, I don't know that.

See.

See, I do things like take a drink and I'm living with a woman and I'm going to go up the bar and I'm going to get a drink. And I'm supposed to go get milk. And I'm in Denver, Co, and I take a drink. And six days later I come out of a blackout in Jacksonville, Wyoming, which is 800 miles away, and I have no recall of how I get there. And she was not happy when I got back

see and I had about 5-6 days between a drink.

When I thought that I needed another one, see, and I think I'm involved in that process, in that decision making. Do you understand what I mean? Why would I go get any help if I think I'm having something to do with that right?

One day I put together a combination of a lot of vodka and some outside issues and I'm at a bar at Evergreen Co called Little Bear

and I did a lot of blackout drinking my last three 4-5 years. Didn't know that till I've been sober for a while

and when I wake up I hear a tapping. I borrowed my parents SUV.

The part I was at there's a lot of mountains and cliffs and that kind of stuff and I hear this knocking. So I'm like passed out laying in the front seat and this boy says do not move quickly.

So I go OK. So I very carefully sit up and I, I realize I can't see anything over the front

and I turn around and there's a cop standing about right back there. And he said, the reason I'm telling you not to move is your car is resting on a very large telephone pole and what is in front of you is a 90 foot drop off. So I really need you to stay still because we're going to get a crane to hook the front of your car. And now one would think that may have had some influence on stopping drinking.

That was a great reason to go get a drink.

See the hard drinkers reason to quit is my reason to start

one last story at end. That's enough. I need to tell you about my drinking. I was on about a five day run Colorado living with a guy or gal. I mean, and thank God she was a, a paramedic because I,

I had respiratory failure. My heart stopped and

she basically saved my life. A matter of fact, I, I saw that first time that movie Pulp Fiction came out and that one scene in there where they jammed that needle

I bought went to hyperventilate and the reason was that's basically what she did with me to save my life and they take me in a flight for life, right. And I was intensive care. I had acute alcoholic poisoning, respiratory failure. And so I'm about 5 days into ICU and then in the and those of you who drink like I drink knew that I was probably getting real thirsty and

called a buddy and he came up to ICU and he brought me some clothes and I unhooked all that stuff and, and I left and I was in a bar

drinking vodka that night. You see, that's the kind of drinker I am. There was nothing that was going to get between Mark Houston and to drink alcohol. There was no woman, there was no child, there was no job. You see, alcohol was my master and it was for a lot of reasons. Most of all, in hindsight, was the effect that it produced in me. It produced a sense of ease and comfort in a world that's too big. That scares me you know

I really woke up to this as around 1516 years sober is living in Kerrville TX and I was going to grocery store and some of you have been sober for a while might relate to this. I don't think we talk about enough in the room, but

fear. Life scared me. Life scares me, see?

And I pull up and I'm going to go in this grocery store and there's this impending doom fear running through me.

And I said to myself, what is this? You know, I'm afraid to walk into a grocery store. I'm 15 years and sober and love God. And then the voice says, it really doesn't matter. It might help if you'd pray right now. So I did and I got hooked up, conscious contact again. And I went in the store and I was fine. I came back out and I realized,

Mark these disciplines staying hooked up, this conscious contact, you absolutely must do that for whatever reason you are I'll equipped to live in this world drunk or sober. There's a lot of reasons why I'm such a huge advocate of the strict disciplines of the 10th 11th stack. The biggest reason is I like the effect produced by doing it because I have experience with not

doing that. See,

so this power shows up in my life.

I'm in Denver, Co

tripping along a little bit. I had a couple men sponsor me and then I hooked up with Don Pritz because my good friend Joe Joe and I sobered up. He was got sober a couple months ahead of me and I noticed he was getting a lot better and I really wasn't doing much work with these two men. They did not work out the book. Like we know how to work out the book and I was paying the price for that. That's why I think we have a tremendous responsibility. You know, the young man that picked up the book, I only know one way

because if he's an alky of my type, he suffers from a disease that is deadly in nature and kills and kills every time. And I have a tremendous responsibility

to him

to sit down with him with that big book and talk about this and talk about a process we're going to have to go through and lay out what it means to be willing to go to any links. You know, I still remember when I approached Don, I was probably around three years sober and I asked him about taking me through the work. Because in Denver you used the word sponsor. It's a little dicey. They're real purist up there. And it's not in the 1st 164, right? You got to be careful who you use that word with,

but get a little carried away sometimes up there. But

he said to me, what do you think? While length looks like, you know, we do that a lot with new people, right? We say to them, are you willing to go any length? And they go, oh, yeah, there's a real important question they they failed to ask, what does that look like? See, what does that look like? So I always sit down with anyone just like it was done with me. And I talk about what that looks like. And I go to page 58 and I go through those steps and I talk about the body of work that we're going to have to do,

course of action we're going to take. I talk about, you know, these decisions and choices to find out your truth. In the first step, you know, is this you?

You got to make a choice. In the second step, you know, is God everything or God's nothing? I talk about that choice. I talk about the third step decision, the third step requirement. I talk about these inventories we got to write. I talk about the 5th step. I talk about 6:00 and 7:00. I talk about the list. I talk about amends, pay the money back. Go to these employers, go to these people, go to your family, right? Remember one time I was doing that with a guy. He stops and he goes, Mark, I just, I want to not drink,

I said. I understand that.

I talk about the disciplines of 10 or 11, See, you transmit what you have. You cannot transmit what you don't. And the way you work with somebody is crucial. Remember that. By the way, those of you who sponsor people, see, I, I only know to do what was done with me by Dawn in particular is where it all really started. Then I'd talk about the disciplines of 10/11 with them and then the 12th see,

go over some of the stuff in the chapter, working with others where the new guy sees that he is responsible. Just like Don said to me,

you're responsible for your sobriety, not me. Don did something right away with me that I believe is crucial. He said my goal is to get you independent of me as quick as possible and hooked up to God,

right? See, and and and I know why he did that because sponsors drink, they die, they move, right, get connected to God, get connected to the program, get connected to the book. See, it's wonderful if you have all those things on top of that. But he would never allow any degree of dependency at all whatsoever to be placed on him. And it was always about back into the book.

So I do the same thing when I'm approached by someone new and then I say to them, why don't you take 2-3 days? You pray about that then if you want to do this, because now you see we can answer the question, are you being linked right

now? They can answer that question.

The guys who call me back are never the guys I want to call me back.

Those right

now, they can answer that question.

The guys who call me back are never the guys I want to call me back.

Those of you laughing know exactly what I'm talking about.

I get the intellectual pseudos, the gum chewing, just

the chronic relapsar is four favorite words or I know and yes, but you know, and

knows the book better than I do. And and you know, you just, it's like, oh, no, then, but see if if, if they say yes, then you know, then I have to spiritual consent. I work with spiritual consent. See,

if someone asked me to work with them, then they have given me spiritual consent to bring them the truth.

And they do that. You know, I had, I had my years of being a zealot and trying to put the big book in places it doesn't belong and having to clean some of that up. But today I work off spiritual consent. If I don't have consent to come into your life and present some truth to you, then I won't do that. Took me a while to understand that, but I get that agreement. Just like Don did with me, you know, On this date,

I know it willing to go and look looks like

and then you start the process, see,

but we go back and you look at this, this idea when I think about the the unmanageability of my life, the spirituality, untreated alcoholism,

God, my earliest memories and all that stuff. By the way, as we all know is at a gut level, isn't it troubling personal relationships can't control my emotional nature. Restless, irritable discontent. Walk into a room like this and and, and feeling separate from see not connected to that those voices talking to you know, well, what if somebody talks to me? Well, what if they don't?

You know, I mean, don't you? Don't you love that voice? You know you, I'll tell you the one I love. It's the voice that says, Mark, let's go do this. And then I go do it. It doesn't turn out well. And the same voice turns around, says you dumb ass, I told you we shouldn't have done that.

See, now that's just not right. You know what I'm saying? See,

See, I had to get familiar with the voices and trust me, there's more than one

a joke about that. But you know, every morning and you, this happened to everyone of you this morning, you got up and imagine there's a little table there and imagine there's eight chairs. And I'll give you a little assignment. I want you to try and identify the predominant 8 voices because they're all different parts of your ego that you think define who you are. And they all started talking to you

this morning. My eyes aren't even my weight. And the caffeine voice, nicotine voice said get it going baby.

Now I didn't bring my workout clothes. So the jock said you've gained 30 lbs in a day. I know you have.

We're going to look like shit.

I haven't even gotten out of the bed. Do the bathroom yet. See.

Spiritual guy says, well you slept past what time we normally get up to do our disciplines.

Whoa, need to use the bathroom, You get The Cave, see. Somebody better chair that meeting. See.

So you sit on, you open the big book upon awakening, say guys, take a chill pill. The spiritual Mr. AE is going to chair this one, right? So you know,

they're having the, you know, the boy. He's the work, the work. What about working Hush?

I'm cheering, see, But I have fun with myself with that. But see, it's the reason you're all laughing, because you got your own little chick going on here, don't you? You better wake up to this. By the way, this is where all your inventory comes from. All these little stage characters. That's the word the big book uses. That's where all your inventory comes from, right?

My, my main ones right now would probably be you got, of course, you got this Mr. A, a spiritual guy, you know, he's got a whole set of needs, values and belief system. And one of the reasons he's comfortable here is he pretty well figures. Most of you are in agreement with him. And that's a wonderful thing. See, that's now true. Some places he goes, you know, and so he's here.

Then I, I've always had this like potential Mystic to be guy, you know,

Saint John of the Cross and be a monk and I probably missed my calling and you know, all that kind of let's go meditate for three hours and vibrate for a while. And, you know,

he, he's in there.

He just had me rebuy Sermon on the Mount. He thinks, thinks there was something we might have missed in the 19 times we've read it. You know, you,

I, I definitely have this jock, you know, I, I workout 5-6 times a week and you know, he, you know, he, he gets to working on me. You know, I, I own my own business now. So we got this present owner guy, you know,

I got a girlfriend. She got this boyfriend voice, you know, and you and I, I've always had a ramble, you know, He's trust me. Rambo's there, you know,

and I'm a writer, so that's another one, you know, and they, but you see what happens within 5 minutes upon awakening, you know, no wonder the book says upon awakening,

right? Oh, Bill Wilson had the same crap going on. We do, you know. What do you think about this, Doctor Bob? No, no, stop. You know,

I mean, thank God for meditation to save my life. I could actually listen to 1 voice at a time, you know. But

anyhow, that journey, you know, journey through the steps, Don takes me through the steps and I had a revolutionary experience just like the book talked about

and a lot of amends and was moving through the amends process and in hindsight was doing some stuff with 1011 the prayer. But I don't have any recall doing much with meditation. My first nine 9 1/2 years sober and Don moved away, become a world trustee. Joe moved to California and then I experienced that phenomenon called reconstruction of the ego in which you take a valid spiritual experience which you know God to the point of weeping,

and now you're left with a memory of it.

See. And somewhere between my about 9 1/2 years sober now, it took about three years.

My experience today is if everything's not under that umbrella of God, it ultimately leaves. And the house was gone and she was gone and the career was gone and I couldn't work and I'm reduced to sitting in an apartment and that's it. I can't. I got taken to a place I couldn't even go to meetings. That was a little bit about a little bit more than untreated alcoholism, but untreated alcoholism was a lot of it

with some unfinished amends. I needed to have been doing far more work with inventory. I certainly needed, in hindsight, to have been working with meditation

so that I lose my identification with my mind and the chatter of 1000 monkeys, right?

So through a series of events, because, see, I couldn't drink. See, if God didn't want you drinking, you're not drinking. But there were other options I felt were available to me because see, I don't think you're any different. Me. Death does not scare me. Life is what scares me and you.

If you don't believe me, look at how you drink.

See, I thought nothing to drink in a quart of vodka and getting in a big vehicle and driving down freeways right in a blackout. See, I'm not afraid of death,

but life, see? How do I do life? See, I don't know how I did what I did today, and the world wants me to do it tomorrow. You follow me, see? So it's so. It's life. And so through a series of events, I wind up in

in this psych hospital in Houston, TX. Need to be there.

And I also in hindsight,

I really had an experience with the third step because I'm at that time, I'm between my 9th and 10th year. I had a bunch of experience with the book. I've got some sober time. I had rebuilt my life because when I sobered up in 1982, I had brain damage, kidney damage, liver damage, everything I own fit in the duffel bag and I had built up some things in the material world and that's all gone. And when I when I talk about I really had a third step, that's when my experience abundantly conferred.

Drunk or sober, my attempts to run my life on my will had me in a nut house. Sober,

I quit in that nut house.

I really took the third step and the implications of that word, you know, God, Ioffer myself to thee and build with me and you do with me as you will. I absolutely said that meant that and I live this to this day. Where I live and who's in my life and what I do is absolutely none of my business. My deal's simple work with the disciplines of 10/11

get thrust into wherever I get thrust into with 12 in. God, that power behind that name does all the rest for me,

determines where I live, allows me to make good decisions, all of those kinds of things. But that came through great, great suffering. See, I didn't wake up sober and decide to become an agent of self will. That isn't how it works.

See, the ego takes the best of you. I don't care how long you're sober. See, Ralph touching that today, myself will. Can't eliminate myself, Will. If it could, we'd all be doing so much better, right? See, we're not like a lot of other people. They can go buy,

they can go buy some book and they can they can read a set of instructions and follow them in their life changes, right. For you and I, that's more like moral and philosophical convictions, none of which I could live up to. See, I can't do that. That hasn't that has never worked for me. So I left that place and I really did a lot of work for two years with the first nine steps and I begin to develop a daily meditation life.

And begin to have tremendous experiences through the result of my working with the disciplines of the 10th and 11th step. Because what I did is is

based on where I wound up. I really looked at the 10th and 11th step in the big book and I got honest with myself about what I'd been unwilling to do. I had never consistently had a daily life of meditation, and yet the book is very clear to me. It is essential for me to stay do it for fit spiritual condition. And I could no longer lie to myself about who I had not been doing.

And I saw there was all kinds of practices with the 10th step I hadn't been doing. And I saw I had unfinished amends. And I said, you know what I'm going to do, because this is the way I'm wired.

I'm gonna do this and I'm not missing the beat for a minute of one year. I'm gonna follow and do everything instead. And of course, my life. Guess what? Took off like a rocket. Gee, what a surprise, right? I should have had AV 8,

You know, Amazing stuff started to happen,

amazing stuff around the God issue, Native American stuff. I still laugh about that. I was in Kerrville, TX, and I'd made a circle out of stones and I was doing sweats and I needed that. That became part of my journey because I'd lost my connection with Mother Earth. My neighbor thought I was a Satanic worshipper. You know, I had the Red Rd. and I'd go sit out there and meditate. Unbeknownst to me, she's telling everyone I'm worshipping Satan. You know, it's funny how that works. But

then I did a bunch of work with Christian mysticism and Buddhist.