The topic of "Came to Believe" at Speakerjam 2009 in Waverly

Thanks, Dustin. Hi. I'm Sonia Bjork. I'm an alcoholic

and it's great to see all of you here. And I know that it's been a full day, So if you're at the beach already, I completely understand and I may go there with you a couple times, but hopefully I'll come back for whoever might still be here. So

when you know, when I came into alcoholic synonymous, I did not want to live anymore. I didn't really want to die enough to take care of that either, but I definitely did not.

I had come to that point where I could not imagine living life with alcohol anymore, and I certainly couldn't imagine it without alcohol anymore. And

I AA works. I unfortunately have spent time not working it. So what I'm going to share with you today is what has worked in a A for me and what didn't work in a A for me. And

really, first of all, start with,

you know what it was like just to qualify. And I was restless, irritable and discontent from the get go.

I remember my mom. There was this little book that was on the bathtub

in the bathroom at our house. That was all the pages were all warped on the book and I didn't know what it was, but it obviously taken several dips in the bathtub. And I knew that at night. My mom used to

put us to bed and I would hear the bathwater running until the bathtub was full and she couldn't run the water anymore. And then I'd hear her crying in there and I didn't really know what was going on. I was self absorbed and self-centered, you know, at that age. So it wasn't like I was feeling real pale and tragic about what was going on inside our house either. But alcoholism was going on in our house. And

so you know, what came to be was,

you know me by the time I was 12 and took my first drink, I was restless

and irritable and discontent for 12 years at that point. I was always looking for the next thing, something

to change, you know? And today what I've realized in my life is that trying to change conditions outside of Maine and find a new playground and a new this and a new that, a different, you know, person to focus on, a new job, a new whatever, is just like rearranging furniture on the Titanic. You know, it is pointless because the ship's going down and the conditions are not really what matters. It's where I'm approaching life from

that makes all the difference in the world. And I was approaching life from the point of absolute selfishness and self centeredness. You know, in the, in the big book, it talks about me all over the place. And I've the only place I've really,

you know, I mean, I've got big books with a lot of writing in them. But the only place I've really scratched out words that I found it really effective is in the third step where it starts to talk about after being convinced we were at step three. So Sonia's arrangements if, if Sonia's arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as she wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including Sonia, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. And trying to make these arrangements, Sonia may sometimes be quite virtuous.

She may be kind, considerate, patient, generous, even modest and self sacrificing. On the other hand, she may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. As with most humans, she is more likely to have varied traits. And it goes on with Sonia and she replacing those. Because when I read that in the morning, it really hits home when it has my name in it. And it really gets back down to the root of my problem. Alcohol was a solution for me. It was not the root of my problem.

Alcohol became a quick fix that turned on me overtime or I would still be doing it. Absolutely. Alcohol actually kept me from killing myself through my teenage years. I know that if I had not had something to go to and some solution to find, I absolutely would have killed myself. And

so it was definitely something that saved me until it turned around and started killing me.

And so at 12 when I picked up my first drink, I did find a relief in that right away. And I found a lot of other great things too, you know, older guys,

attention, a lot of escape and a lot of different ways. And I jumped in with both feet. And what I got from that was a lot of good times for the next four years. And then somewhere around 16,

it started to turn dark, you know, and the lights kept dimming and kept dimming and kept dimming and kept dimming

until I found Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't know why for me, I could not get my life off the ground. You know, I had a dad who was able to keep all the plates spinning and had a business and drank and could be out until 3:00 in the morning and come home and, you know, wreak havoc there and get up and go to work in the morning and do it for decades over and over again. I couldn't get my life off the ground, you know? That was not my story. So

definitely this thing, this disease shows up differently

and it really doesn't matter how it shows up. The root cause is selfishness and self centeredness all the way around. And fortunately that makes our solution the same thing all the way around. And So what I did, you know, from 12 to 16, I did have good times and I'm definitely drank as much as I could whenever I could. And then, as I said, things just went dark. You know,

depression, you know, when you drink as much as you,

when you drink until you pass out, which is basically my process of drinking. I start drinking it. What matters is what I'm drinking as far as how far I'm going to go before I pass out. But I am inevitably going to pass out. And so I would take a drink whether I intended to or not. And I intended to for all of that time. But when life started, you know, the things that mattered to me started to

fall away. And I tried to stop drinking. I had gotten to the point where I had graduated from high school and went to college and was flunking out of college. And because I didn't show up, you know, I, I could not show up. I mean, I was, I grew up in a small town about 16 miles South of Albert Lee where Brandy lives right now.

And, you know, getting out of that town and moving to the big town of Des Moines, IA

was just like kid in a candy store. You know, I can, they've got drink specials everywhere. I'm producing fake IDs on the dorm floor. And we're all going, you know, And so school was not my main objective. Anything that required effort was not my main objective, definitely. And so I was focused on feeling better all the time, getting relief. And that was what I

continually sought.

But I was working at A at a cafeteria in a factory

and one of my drinking buddies disappeared one day and she had gone to treatment and I didn't know it, but she was gone. And this woman Toots that was a supervisor in this factory, came in and did her paperwork at night while I was wiping down the tables. And for some reason I started spilling to her how miserable I was because I knew she was going to see my drinking buddy Tammy

and treatment. So that whole one alcoholic working with another when my parents, the law and others school officials had been closing in on me and really trying to make me make changes in my life. And I just pushed them all away. This one alcoholic talking to another alcoholic opened up doors that no one had ever been able to get with me. And she sat there and talked to me and listened to me. And

for some reason I started sharing things with her that I hadn't shared with anybody. And she said, you know, there's an AAA meeting on Monday and Thursday mornings that you're welcome to come to with me. So I was 18 at that time and went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now I spent two 2 1/2 years after that in and out and in and out and in and out of a a trying to prove that I was not an alcoholic.

And all I got over that time was continued evidence of my powerlessness over alcohol and my selfishness and self centeredness and self will.

And so it was just a continuous downhill slide really. You know, my life without a program of Alcoholics Anonymous is circling the drain. And it is, you know, today it's like I'm in the car, I'm in the parking lot and the car is on fire is pretty much where I was at at the end of my drinking. Like, everything is going down and I look in the rearview mirror and all the chaos

created in the relationships in my life going on around me are right there, You know? Now, Alcoholics Anonymous seem to put out that fire. But if I don't drive the car out of there, I'm still in the chaos, you know? So I'm still hanging out at bars thinking that somehow I'm going to stay sober. I want my old friends to come with me into this new life. I don't want to make new friends

in a A and obviously they're not on board.

You know, they're trying to convince me I'm not an alcoholic too, because I'm drinking like they drink. You know what, you can't be an alcoholic. And so, you know, so there I am, you know, sitting in the car fires out now, but I've left treatment. So I end up in treatment over a course of went to that a a meeting, you know, went back there again and again and again, having drank the night before.

And what they said to me was just keep coming back, you know, it'll be revealed to you

whether or not your life will continue to get worse if you don't drink because you are your problem, you know? And so I was out of my skin sober. I mean, when I finally did end up in treatment, I could not sleep that entire first three weeks because I just could not stand life in my skin anymore. And so

they, that's what was revealed to me is that given enough time sober, I am so uncomfortable in my own skin that I have got to have some kind of interrupter

intervention of some sort. And sponsorship really was a key to that. And what happened was I had a couple moments of clarity. One night we were out partying. And again, I, I had been in and out of a A for about 2 1/2 years and I was out partying with a bunch of people. And we ended up at a townhouse in the South side of Des Moines, which is no new news. You know, I constantly was going places that I didn't know where I was or who I was going to be there with or

that was not any new news. There was booze and drugs all over the kitchen table. Not any new news there. But what happened that night was I drank until I passed out like I always do. And I ended up passing out in this, you know, as a bunch of guys living in this place and they had this their rooms, couple single beds in this room. And I passed out in one single bed and some guy came in and passed out with me. Nothing new there. And a woman that was partying with us passed out in the other bed. And I came to

and this woman was about to be raped by one of the guys that we were partying with who had come into that room and she was passed out. And it was just one of those moments of clarity, you know, where I had been to enough a a meetings to know and understand that the only reason that that was not me. And I was continuously placing myself in positions to be hurt

emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

But that was just one night that for whatever reason, there was a moment of clarity where it was like the only reason that I am not in that bed in that situation right now and that I'm just the observer of it stopping it is that some other guy came in and passed out with me. And I wasn't alone in that bed, you know. And so, you know, I just had a moment of this is so

messed up and I might live a long, long time.

I mean, that's it's like not oh, some kind of virtue and light bulb came on and I decided to work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was like,

this is really messed up and I might live a long time and it's not getting any worse. Yeah, it's getting beyond worse. And so as long as I'm in this body in this lifetime, I've got alcoholism, you know, and I can either work a program that has worked for others

or I can stay in self management, which obviously wasn't working so well for me and only got me in the position that I wanted to die.

And so that was a moment of clarity. Another one was, you know, the first step got just hammered home. I was trying to hold on to school. I was about to be kicked out of this class because I had, I was a 7:00 AM clinical on Friday mornings and Thursday nights was all the beer you can drink at the distillery for 3 bucks. And yeah, it was cheap drinking back then. And I,

it was just, you know, Thursday nights, Friday mornings were not good.

And I was, umm, I very rarely made it out to bed by 6:00 in the morning. So to get up and be somewhere and try to do something in clinical was impossible. So I was barely hanging on. And that night I had decided that I was going to run an experiment and go to the bar as late as possible because I had to go.

You know, I had to go, but I was going to go as late as possible

and then I was not going to drink and I would make it to this clinical the next morning at 7:00 AM. So I went to the bar as late as I could possibly stand it and got there at about 9:30. And at first I wasn't going to drink. And then I start to get a little restless and the Diet Coke gets a little bit stale. And I'm only going to have one,

and then I'm only going to have three. And then I am waking up,

coming to peeling my face off. Public toilet seat #992 at that point, you know, we're obviously I had found some comfort in the coolness of hugging the toilet. And, you know, everyone that I was partying with had left because I had ticked them off. And so, you know, there I was again. And I really had intended that night. So it was like another moment of clarity because I had intended to 1st

then don't only have one, then only have three. And here I was again, you know, and I'd been to enough meetings where I knew the deal, you know, I knew that I related to these people in a way that I couldn't explain. I mean, I knew that I felt something in my gut. I hated being anywhere, you know, But while the meeting was going on, I mean, before the meeting, I was really uncomfortable. After the meeting I was really uncomfortable.

Thank God I was smoking and there was at least that,

but I just was really uncomfortable in social settings trying to talk to people without booze, you know? And so while the meeting was going on, though, I knew that I felt something in my gut that I had never felt anywhere. Wasn't that I wanted to spend the rest of my life in a a, it wasn't that it was really where I had aspired to be. But I knew I felt something in my gut that now today I think was the beginning of serenity. Because what's happened over time is that feeling

has just grown out. It's creeped into more and more and more moments of my day

and given me more and more comfort in my own skin as long as I have continued to grow away from the drink. But if I don't grow away from the drink, then the chaos is still going on. You know, I got a committee up here that is on a mission to kill me and, and it wants me dead. But it will settle for drunk and if not drunk, it will settle for miserable until it can corner me into drunk. And I want the whole enchilada. I mean, if I'm going to be sober and I know that I can't

bear lifeout there the way that it was drinking, if I'm going to be sober, then I want the whole enchilada and everything that's been shared here today is the whole enchilada. You know, recovery and unity and service is the whole deal and it takes work in it very imperfectly. Fortunately, you know, by the grace of God and the miracle of this program, I took my last drink July 4th of 1991

and I have not had to take a drink since then. And it has been absolutely because of those three things, that three legged stool. And the first thing was that woman 12 step in me at that table that night when I was wiping down tables and sharing with me her experience, strength and hope. Now she did not have to do that, but she was willing to practice the 12 step with someone that she didn't know. She didn't, she was probably pretty indifferent about maybe didn't like,

you know, but she was willing because she saw that I was in pain to share with me to invite me to a meeting. And today I feel like that's my responsibility where I see it, it fit because I got 12 stepped at work. You know, if I see that it might be helpful. I share that I'm in the program and I share some of my story. And over the years, what's happened is people have gotten to know me better at least,

or people have come to meetings or

their brother, their sister, their mom or the dad, you know, and, and that's an important piece. So I was being 12 step before I even knew what was happening, you know, and she was sponsoring me really, you know, before I knew what had hit me. But I was not ready. I was not willing and I did not do it. And so nothing changed for me. So there was 2 1/2 years of, you know, knowing and having the solution. And then, boy, does that eat my lunch.

You know, and then I ended up in treatment. I was suicidal. I ended up in treatment at a 20 and left there, felt better. I'm fine now and I'm hanging out in the bars again. And, you know, could not stay away from old playgrounds and old playmates. In this meeting. I was going to this guy was saying, you know, Sonia's as if you hang out in the barbershop long enough, you're going to get your hair cut. If you hang out in the bar long enough, you're going to take a drink. And

that I'll never forget that. And he was absolutely right. You know, I drank about enough Diet Coke to gag in that six months and was trying to, you know, I just wasn't grown away from the drink. And that's the key is growing away from it. Or I'm going to get restless, irritable and discontent enough that I can't stand life in my skin and I'm going to have to do something. And unfortunately for us, it seems to be from the friends that I have had the opportunity to continue to get to know over time,

it's we either drink and, or we kill ourselves, you know, And so growing away from the drink is a lifetime job. And I believe that I still have a lot of growing away from the drink to do because I have friends that have stopped growing away from the drink, didn't pick one up, but have killed themselves in the program. And that is really painful. But

you know, I have an uncle that's dying of alcoholism right now. I have a cousin who's in prison who

knit this amazing Afghan for my husband and I for our wedding that, you know, is probably one of the most cherished gifts that we got. But is is in prison right now, losing over a decade of her life because of alcoholism, you know, and I am very grateful that I could not get my life off the ground. And

I was desperate enough and I did it. I did what a sponsor asked of me. So eventually, so after that six months, July 4th of 91, I picked up my last drink and I just knew that it was over.

It was only getting worse and you're not gonna get better. And I might live a long time. So I, I started working the program. I got a sponsor that I actually called

and I started going through the book with her and I also started to take some of the phone numbers and not throw them away, the phone numbers that were being given to me at meetings, you know, of other women in the program. And I talked to three alcoholic women a day today. Still today, because I need to have

that connection in my life, I got to have a network of support. I got to set my life up.

So it's easier for me to not take a drink than it is for me to take a drink. And I was a long ways from that when I came in. So the suggestions that I got over time, you know, of hanging out at fellowship, coming to meetings early, stay in late. You know, at that time we were smoking in meetings still. So there were ashtrays to clean. There were, you know, coffee crafts to clean. There was a lot to do

that.

Well, there was a couple more things to do that, you know, offered a lot of opportunity for me to have a reason other, you know, when I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm so the picking up chairs, putting the tables away, the clean up, the all of that. I started to feel overtime like I had ownership in the meeting. I never would have done any of that if it weren't for sponsorship. Sponsorship has made me act better than I feel like acting,

and because of acting better than I feel like acting, I feel better, faster.

And fortunately, my feelings don't matter anyway. They really don't. It's the actions that make all the difference in the world. Because feelings are like the weather. They come and they go. I gauged all of my actions around what I felt like doing and I just wanted to die in the end. So sponsorship has given me this,

no matter what pattern of action, you know, no matter what. I have a Home group,

Monday night's Golden Valley, MN. We meet at 7:30. I meet at 6:15 with the women I sponsor. We read the big book for 45 minutes and then it's shaking hands time at 7:00. I've been doing that for years and it works. It gets me there early so that I'm not flying into the meeting just under the radar

there until about the time they're going to start the prayer at the end and jet now. Because that's what didn't work for me. You know, not getting connected, not feeling like I was a part of and not having an ownership in it

did not work. Like I said, I don't do any of this stuff out of virtue. It's only been because I had a sponsor

that was actually doing that stuff too. And she still does more than I do. And it works, you know, watching what she's done, doing what she does. And so I was a couple years sober and

I had just of course, you know, I mean, I'd fallen in love in a a no with the guy that I was working with that, you know, of course. I mean, there's a great checklist

for relationships in the 12th step in the 12 and 12. And it talks about if as long as you are compatible mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually and basically, and you're both working the program, if you're both Alcoholics, you know, you might have a chance of making healthy relationship, you know, with sponsorship. And what I realized was that my entire

focus in relationships was always looking for

the physical to make up for what I had no clue was really there emotionally, spiritually or mentally. Because I was so fearful that I wasn't going to get what I wanted when I wanted it ultimately that I thought I had to jump in, you know, to what could be immediate and focus on that. And I was missing the point that there would never be a full 4 dimensional relationship in my life unless I figured out who I was.

There was number no prayer of it. And so I got into this relationship was which was of course focused on the physical and that ended and I want to drink big surprise. You know, I mean, why do they tell people to stay at a relationships in the first year? Well, what's the most emotional situation that I can put myself into?

Hello. It's really all about the fact that I don't know what to do with my emotions

and I need to protect myself from getting in that place. And so, you know, no big surprise, I'm about two years sober. That relationship ends and I want to drink. I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it, and I want a drink. And so I obsessed about that for a couple weeks, finally called my sponsor, told her that I wanted to drink and she

called her sponsor, told her and her sponsor called me back and left a message on my voicemail. Honey, you need to start working with others.

If you don't start acting better than you feel like acting, you are going to get drunk. Click. And she was right. You know, I didn't like that I took that with a lump. But I was still very focused on what can make me feel better, what can make me feel better, instead of looking to see what I could do for others and how I might share my experience, strength and hope. Which two years earlier I wanted to die.

At that point, even in the pain that I was in, I didn't want to die anymore.

So obviously things had gotten a lot better and I had not taken a drink yet. So that was a Wednesday night. Thursday night I had my Home group and I had a job in my Home group. I was a the greeter coordinator and they were not going to be talking about me drunk that night. So I was going to go to the meeting and I was going to

be the greeter coordinator that night. And then my friend Sybil, because I had started taking phone numbers and not throwing them away

and actually reaching out and letting myself connect with other women that were sober. She was getting her four years that Friday night. And so I was going to stay sober just one more night for her. And by Saturday now I had been to three meetings and the feelings were starting to pass. And I could have just thrown it all away, right, right in that feeling moment. But it's the actions of

and the taking of the direction and acting better than I feel like acting that will always guide me through those times where emotion hits. You know, I lost my job after I did one day at a time, graduate from college and get a job. I moved to Minneapolis and there was this window of opportunity where nobody knew me. But my sponsor said, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous is like a merry go round. If you get in the middle of it, they can spin that baby as hard as

possible and you won't go anywhere. If you're on the outside of the mirror, go around, they start spinning it and life will spin. Then you got to hang on with both hands. You don't have any hands free to help anybody else and eventually your finite power will not hold you there. And she was right. I needed to jump into a A in this new place like I had needed to when I left treatment. I needed to jump in in this new place and

and that's what ended up happening. I mean I just my feet

got me there when my head was saying go to happy hour. You need to get to know your Co workers,

blah blah blah. All the fears, you know, fear of what they think of me. But I needed to be an alcoholic synonymous because I'm an alcoholic and it's only getting worse. It's never going to get better. And it's the only thing that's worked for me. And so I jumped in and into getting a Home group first, eventually getting a sponsor here. And my sponsor in Des Moines was available until I found someone

in the Twin Cities. And I felt at home in no time

because of the fellowship that invited me in, because I let myself, I put myself out there. But it's absolutely, it's not going to happen on the couch at home. You know, it's only going to happen getting uncomfortable that I will eventually get comfortable with sober people and sober situations in a new place in a new city and away from where I had sobered up. And So what happened there? I'm about nine months after I had started that job,

I got laid off

and I came to my Home group that Monday night and my I was crying and one of our Home group members said to me, you know, he asked what was wrong. And I I told him I'd lost my job. And he said, oh, Sonia, God gave you a promotion. And I'm like, are you on heroin? I am the only one paying my bills. You know, I mean, I have to have a job. And he

what I didn't realize yet was that

my higher power is really the source. I have a company that writes my paycheck,

but my higher power has seen me through a lot of dark situations and places I put myself in. And the source is my higher power. It's not the company that writes the check. So as long as I do the next right thing and keep doing the next right thing, it's going to lead me toward whatever's next. And that is that, you know, the right people with the right information have been placed in my life at exactly the right time over and over

over again in a A, if I have just shown up, it won't happen on the couch, never happened on the bar stool, but it's happened again and again and again in a A and especially through sponsorship And about seven years sober, I started having anxiety attacks. I was in this wedding with a guy that had sexually abused me with it when I was a kid. And I was so angry with this guy by the end of this weekend because he had a wife and kids.

And I was, you know, 26 at the time, and I hadn't had a healthy relationship in my life and probably wasn't capable of one ever. And I was so angry with him by the end of that weekend. I just kept envisioning myself driving a Mack truck through his living room, you know, with him, the only one there, not his wife and children. But

I, so my sponsor said, I think you need to pray the resentment prayer for this guy.

Obviously, I mean, he wasn't even on my 4th step because there's just some things they're so painful that you can't deal with them until you're ready to deal with them. You know, I mean, there are just some things and you don't have to go look in for them and search the navel for them. They will come up when it is time. And but what happened was I started praying for this guy and the magic of the resentment prayer in the big book. In case you haven't been led to it, you know, now it's been about 1000 times

sponsor that I've been led to it. But the resentment prayer is really about praying for all the health, happiness, prosperity for another child of a higher power, just like I would want for myself. And because I hadn't dealt with that, what happened was I started having anxiety attacks and getting more and more angry. So I was in the midst of

a process that I needed to go through, but it was not fun. And I was having anxiety attacks and

I was on my way to, you know, I got this idea that somehow an AAA that it says in there that AAA really points us to and gives us what we need to walk through any problem we might have. But that doesn't mean if I have tax or legal problems that I don't go to an expert that has the expertise in tax and legal issues. You know, I don't go to my sponsor for that. And I needed a planned program of action through

very painful issue. That's just it was an it was one more thing that I used to drink about. You know, it doesn't make me an alcoholic. It's just one more thing. And so anyway, I so I had found a counselor through another friend in a a who had been through the same thing. And I was having anxiety attacks driving there and I went down the one way St. The wrong way,

going to this, to Chrysalis, to this counseling appointment.

And it had been just a bad day. And my grandfather had shock treatments done on him in Rochester back in the 70s. And I kept remembering that, you know, where he was at when he had those shock treatments done on him. And I thought, I am going down. I am going down that road. That is exactly what's going to happen to me. I am unraveling here. And I was unraveling. But fortunately, a lot of times in this journey when it feels like things are falling apart, they're really just falling into place

if we just hang on and do the next right thing. And what happened that day was I left that appointment and I was about to go across. If you guys know Blaisdell in 27th, that area at rush hour, there's cars going just mock 4. You can't see anything because there's cars parked on both sides.

So I caught a mom, a window where I was about to gun it across Blaisdell.

And fortunately I've been looking down this way to try to go across and I pulled my head back and was going to gun it. And there is a blind woman that is at the hood of my car and I almost just mowed her over and I just fell apart. I, I pulled over and I was like, I can't take this. I am losing it. You know, I'm sponsoring women in a a, I'm doing a a, I'm doing everything I can. I don't have anything to give.

I am losing it. And I heard this voice that said, Sonia, she leaves her house every single day trusting that other people are going to look out for her, this blind woman trusting that. And you think I'm not looking out for you in this? And for whatever reason, that was just a little light bulb that was like,

OK,

trust God, clean house, help others. That's all I need to do in this situation too. Fortunately, you know, it's a universal solution that works every time and time and time again, you know, and, and I've, I've told you, I've shared with you guys about some painful points in my sobriety. But the good news is like between that I've had like strung together more and more and more comfort in my own skin,

more and more peace that the right people will continue to be placed in my life at exactly the right time with the right information and a little bit more conscious contact with a higher power beyond, you know, God with skin on working through others too. So by continuing to practice and practice, like Brandy said, you know, I practiced it. So I'm I'm no stranger to practice.

I got to practice this too or it's not going to work.

So overtime it is my time is up in 2 minutes. So, you know, I got up to seven years of sobriety and today it's what, 2009 and I am very grateful for the life that I have been given. You know, I'm I'm pregnant, so I haven't had caffeine in quite a while. So I hope you guys have been able to stay awake because I was fearful that all of us were going to fall asleep, including me up here. But I am so grateful for the

to become a mom, thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous showing me the way to walk toward grace and dignity and integrity. And I did not come into this thing with those things. And they're the most important things that this program gives, you know, is if I just will grow away from the drink, That's what I'm growing toward. And

there are many people who are willing to help, including myself.

And, and this thing works. So I, I wish you all the very best. And if even if you're a feeling crazy right now and, and crawling out of your skin beyond the fact that you just want me to shut up, you know, there is a solution here that it even if it seems like a dark time right now, if you just hold your face up to the light, which oftentimes is another human being's face with a big book and help through that.

Did you find a face? Yeah,

it definitely works if you work it. So thanks. Have a great evening you guys.