The topic of Recovery Literature at Speakerjam 2009 in Waverly MN

Not guilty.

Every time I get up here

I get a little confused. For the 1st 37 years it was a court of law, not an AAA meeting.

I was asked to deliver a message of Alcoholics Anonymous

I can summon up real quick.

You can take a piece of Commodore and roll it in powdered sugar, but that does not make it a Jelly doughnut. All right, we can all go home.

What I mean by that is, you know what? You can attend meetings. You can have a sponsor,

you can read the big book, you can go out for coffee with the fellowship.

You can do all of these things and still

be a piece of turd rolled in powdered sugar.

Last month I was asked to speak at an open meeting at Uptown. That's a group in Saint Paul I've attended that I

for my entire sober life.

It was my break even year. And for you who are not familiar with that,

that was 22 years. That means I have been sober for 22 years and I drank and drugged for 22 years. So it was a big night for me.

My family

since the beginning has never missed one of those pinnings.

That night I was given a medallion an A, a medallion and on that medallion it says this,

it says recovery,

how we recover together.

It says Unity,

the 12 and 12, How We Stay Together

service,

the AA service manual, how we stay sober together, how we carry the message.

Also on this medallion, it says to thy own self be true. Now you got to understand, I come from a large Irish family with 12 brothers and sisters, all of their spouses. I have one daughter who's nine years old. She has over 70 cousins. We pretty much command the corner of that church room for this open meeting. Now, I've always been the renegade uncle, the crazy brother,

the alcoholic, the drug addict

who can break out in some very smooth James Brown moves at the campfire

and proceed to fall into it afterwards

with 22 years of sobriety.

They had no idea. They had no idea I was asked to be the speaker that night. And there was

maybe 90, a hundred members of my extended family who got to listen to me talk about the growth afforded to me through this program.

They went home with a different opinion of their renegade uncle and their crazy brother. They realized, my God, we have a sober brother. We have a sober uncle. For that I have Alcoholics Anonymous to thank.

Question we need to ask ourselves is how do we gain credibility in life?

How did I gain credibility

with my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews? Who remembers that drunk staggering uncle around the campfire?

I mean, stop and consider this.

Jesus Christ is 30 years old. He goes back to his hometown in Nazareth. He says guess what guys? I'm God,

shut up. You're God. You're Joe's kid. You're a Carpenter and you're 1/2 assed one at that.

The man lacked creds. That's what we lack when we start our sobriety.

We're question mark in the people's minds who love us. We've caused them pain. We've caused the banks. We've caused them consternation. This medallion says to thy own self be true.

That's what this literature is about. The question you got to ask yourself is this about me

first and foremost? Am I doing this for myself?

Pat made a number of quotes from the big book. I'm not up here

to talk about that. If you go out of this room today with a little deeper understanding of what this literature can provide you to you,

it's been a good day

and the forward to the 1st edition in the Big Book.

Are you willing to go to any lengths they ask that question? For some, this is the big book they carry.

This is the lunch they need to go together.

I'm a little embarrassed to show you my big book.

This is the length that I needed to go to get sober and become sane and reasonably happy.

I had to pull it apart.

There wasn't enough space in this book for me to keep my notes, my thoughts, my reflections.

Dustin wants this book.

If he fluffs my kilts a little more today, I just might give it to him.

We have Alcoholics Anonymous are more than 100 men and women who have recovered

from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other Alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main point of this book. Forward to the 1st edition in 1939 and make it pretty clear

flooding. This is a program of suggestion. Yes, it is.

It was explained to me by my sponsor. This way. We're up in a plane 10,000 feet. I'm going to dump you out the door. I suggest you pull that ripcord. Now. You don't have to do that if you don't want, huh? But I strongly suggest you do. That would be the direction I'm giving you. Pat.

Big Book says the same thing. It is a program of suggestion, but it counterbalances that by saying we are going to give you clear

cut directions precisely in italics.

This is life and death, you guys.

The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

are on page 59 and 60 of The Big Book.

The problem is there are 573 pages of instructions to go along with those steps. We come into our meetings today

and we get our steps off the wall

and we wonder why there's confusion in the program.

Keep this thought in mind. Page 57

Bill Wilson writes. When we drew nearer to him, he disclosed himself to us.

This book put together, and keep in mind it took four years to put three groups together and 100 recovered people.

Christ, we got to be pretty close to that in this room alone. Four years to get three groups going, Cleveland, Akron and New York and 100 recovered people. These guys were on fire. These guys have found a way out. They put a book together, 100 of them thinking, I'll go, we go.

Bill and the other 99 of them were in somewhat of a euphoric state,

and well they should be. They had escaped. They had found a way out from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. But keep in mind, there were new they were on fire.

15 years later, Bill Wilson sits down and he pens this brief book called the 12:00 and 12:00,

The first half, our essays on the steps. This is 15 years sober now. He's got some time.

On page 105 of this book, he writes,

There are times when the hand of God seems heavy or even unjust. All of us, without exception, pass through this time. We can pray only with the greatest exertion of will. Occasionally we go even further than this. We are seized with the rebellion so sickening that we simply won't pray.

How you doing Bill?

15 years sober.

The high tide of alcoholism has now receded from Bill.

It's just like a flood. After the flood recedes, there is a lot of damage. There is a lot of peripheral damage. If you walk out of these rooms thinking, got it made, I'm sober, I've got news for you. The rage, the jealousy, the envy, the anxiety, the nerves. They don't go away.

They become less.

We've got 12 steps. Five of them have to do with personal inventory.

That's what these books are explaining to you. Five of them, Almost 50% of the steps are on personal inventory. Who's the problem?

Me,

you know,

I came into these rooms and you people taught me

a lot of stuff. Get a sponsor.

OK, Big Book says

we help each other. That is equated to sponsorship, carrying the message of recovery, the kinship of suffering, one alcoholic to another, the language of the heart in a a parlance. Get a sponsor. Why don't we put that on the wall?

I don't hear anyone explaining to the newcomer how do you pick a sponsor?

I hear. Find someone who has what you want.

Whoa, dude, he's got Alexis and he's got a Rolex and he's got a gorgeous blonde on his right arm. He's got what I want.

Does the program give us clear cut directions on what you should be looking for when you leave these places

and try to pick a good sponsor? Sure it does. Of course it does.

Look for a person who has had a spiritual experience as the results of these steps,

practice these principles and all of his affairs and carries this message to Alcoholics. If you find that man or woman, you have got a good sponsor.

Surely we're given the definition of a good sponsor. Every time I read the 12th step, I read the purest definition of sponsorship

service that I can.

Now. Please note I didn't use the watered down bastardized

way of saying that and I occurred this message to other Alcoholics. That's what I thought. That's upset.

I'm 60 days sober and I'm carrying the message to other Alcoholics. I have no message to carry. I can barely tie my shoes,

but I'm out there carrying a message. You guys started to point out to me that this step says carry the message to Alcoholics.

Whoa, Shin, cannery, sophistry, trickery. I know what you guys are doing. You're making me accountable for myself. You want me to carry this message to Alcoholics? Pat, are you an alcoholic? By God, you are. How are you curing this message to yourself? Not very well. So at about six months sober, someone put the big book in my hand. They said perhaps you might want to start to look at the 12

and find out about the traditions, the steps, the thoughts of a a that this program has been put together for your recovery one day at a time.

Stop and consider this you guys when you think about long term sobriety.

22 years ago I was sober for one day.

I'm now 22 years sober through the grace of God in this program.

This is Bill Wilson. When the hand of God seems unjust at 15 years sober,

that's an extraordinary statement for a man who had a white light experience

like the wind on a mountaintop.

You would sit in our meeting sometimes and think that we're here to resolve all the problems of the world. I had a flat tire

that doesn't have much to do with you being in a A.

Is there a difference between recovery and being recovered one day at a time from the seemingly hopeless state of mind and body? You're damn right there is,

and it's all in your perception and your attitude. You know, there's an old a, a piece of humor,

Two drunks at the coffee bar, one says the other. How are you doing?

Not so good. Lost my temper last night. The mashed potatoes were lumpy. Kind of threw a handful at the old lady,

got mad at the kid. Carl cuffed him in the head. Disappointed in myself. Kicked the dog in the butt so I could get to my meeting on time. Did you make it to your meeting? Yeah. You're OK.

That is not what AAA is about.

That is not what the people who are here to support you being. The newbies want you to leave the impression that if you put a cork in the jug, you're OK. It is but a beginning. We are told that five or six different ways in the big book, this is but a beginning. If that's all I was through, this program is dry. You would have a rattlesnake standing up here before you.

The second part of this small, thin volume

is the traditions.

Now there's an interesting concept. Take a look around, as Pat said, the rooms. Let's really talk about what the traditions are about. They are about the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous US.

My God, that's scary.

We have

hundreds of thousands of drunks and drug addicts telling each other how to live their life. What's wrong with that?

Giving advice? Take what you want and leave the rest.

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous is kind of a smorgasbord.

Maybe do the 4th step and then become willing to do what's that one where you apologize to people? OK,

this is what we hear in our meetings. God bless. All of it is well intent. I understand that Patrick said it. You cannot give away what you don't have

to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. You have to familiarize yourself with this material.

This is the fellowship, and God forgive me, I love it.

This is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

If you have a pretty good handle on what's in these books, not only are you going to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous to yourself, you're going to be able to help someone else. If you don't know what's in these clear cut directions, you're giving your opinion of the program.

Again, I encourage you to take a look around the room and stop and think about that.

Again, it's scary and that's what we have. We have the traditions, or as I like to think of them, how we protect ourselves from each other.

In 1950, there were approximately 100,000 recovered Alcoholics

all out there with their opinion on how Alcoholics Anonymous should be run. Chaos Bill, being the thoughtful man that he was, sat down and started to codify. What gave Bill the right to codify how the groups should comport themselves?

16 years of experience. Thousands of letters from all over the United States, Canada and the world being collected.

This is how the groups have worked out their problems and he put them into the 12th traditions.

Bill knew that if we did not hang together, we would die separately. That is the part of that coin that talks about unity.

Alcoholics Anonymous be it the groups, the areas, the districts, the conference, the individual is about service.

The AA service of manual. It can be as simple.

As making coffee,

setting up chairs, cleaning up after a meeting,

after you hang around for a while, if you study this literature, you start to become more maturing, healthy, happy, integrated members of AA and hence society and you start to have a message that has some weight and depth, Silkworth said. This message has to have some weight and depth to have some appeal to Alcoholics.

If I was up here telling you how I worked my program, we would all be in trouble.

My program almost killed me. I got to figure there's one or two other people who've experienced that in this room. That is not the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I had to read these books. I had to pour through them. I had to understand that there was a program. It's not this Gray, foggy, drifting around kind of dancy thing. It is a program that gives us clear cut directions precisely. If you want to. Please note, I didn't say if you needed to. There's a lot of us that need to but don't want to. But if you want to go out of this place,

make yourself a better person, a better life, become

integrated, lose some of the psychosis that drives us, we've got a program for you. We also have a saying in a A that says, if you don't want that, we will cheerfully refund your misery, Go ahead. It is your choice. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells us that we stand at a turning point.

That's scary.

We stand at a turning point. You mean you want me to make a decision?

I don't want to do that. I want to have it both ways. I want to be sober and drunk at the same time. How can I accomplish that?

I want to have my family, I want to be respected, I want to have a career, but I want to smoke rock cocaine in my offices bathroom

every day. I stand at a turning point. I'm 22 years sober. That will never change. I'm going to just give you a short

experience on how my recovery is.

If I didn't Jones two or three times a year, I wouldn't be standing up here in front of you.

What I've learned through this program, through the literature, through the fellowship, is that I've got to embrace that.

I want to use

nice, nice. Your higher power is giving you a reminder of how powerful chemical are in your life, even 22 years sober.

That's a bitch, but it's also a gift.

The last time I Jones was this past spring.

I like to manicure my lot.

I like flowers. I like green grass. I like my yard to look like Pebble Beach, all right, Like the golf course Pebble Beach. I take great pride in that. In fact, I lowered it over all my neighbors.

Every Friday I manicure my lot. I'm sitting down in between and I'm burning a square and I think

you're out of sorts.

Now. My wife, I've been married to her for 14 years, knows me very well.

She kills me.

Honey,

why did you stop drinking?

Umm didn't enhance my life.

What does that have to do with anything? Well, it just wasn't doing me any good so I don't understand it. I'm not that type of alcoholic. I'm a bottom feeder.

I'm a last gasper and I'm damn glad I am. I can't kid myself. But anyways, I'm sitting there realizing. And keep in mind I'm 58 years old. Dude, you want to use

Christ? Here we go. Here we go.

That's it. I'm abandoning the family, I'm buying a Harley and I'm going down to Mexico

to smoke weed and chase young senoritas and drink tequila.

That is what I meant to be,

not this pious recovered 58 year old man.

So my wife, who knows me well, pulls in the driveway, take one look and says, well, it's not quite sure. So at a sheer habit I say, what if one of your responses called you and told you he was going to Mexico to chase on your readers and smoke? But what would you say?

Well, I'm glad you called your sponsor. So I have this thought.

Do you have the guts, the principle of courage to call your own sponsor? You're damn right I do. I call him Jack Floody. Floody. Yep. Jack. Just wanted to let you know I'm abandoned in the family. I'm taking some of the bank accounts. I am off to Mexico.

Yeah. Huh. Yep.

Big pause. He knows me so well. Love, hate the guy. Come here, Jack. Go away.

Nothing.

It gives me about 40 seconds in silence. So he says. Do you want me to say something?

Yeah, Jack. OK, don't.

It's simple. It's simple.

Other big pregnant paws. Would you like me to say more, Pat Jack? That might be appropriate.

They have the guts to wait till your wife comes home to tell her that you're abandoning your family and going to Mexico on a Harley-Davidson. Yeah, I do, Jeff. Go ahead and do it.

I sit there in a total frump. Once again I am burning my life down to the ground in my head and I'm falling through it at this time. Damn it,

she comes home, she knows me well. She takes one look and says what's wrong?

You know what? I'm done with you. I'm done with the kid,

I'm done with being straight. I'm buying a Harley and I'm going to Mexico.

Honey, why don't you go to a meeting instead? Kisses me on the chicken, walks on the door. Jesus Christ, she doesn't get caught up in my damn drama at all. I get to laugh at myself, get in my car, and think, all right, I'll go to a meeting instead. As I'm driving to my meeting, I'm laughing at my own insanity again.

In the last three years I've had two rotator cuff surgeries, I've had a hip replace, and I have an ankle bolted to my left leg. In my head I've got 2 1/2 feet of hair, multi earrings

and I am rolling on down to Mexico like the nasty Boy.

I couldn't drive a Harley from here to Maplewood Mall

without ending up in an ambulance. That is why I keep coming back to meetings.

That is why I get up on Saturday, come out to Waverly, MN, stand up here in a suit and tie, sweating

to carry a message. The message is the same as when I started. You can take a steamy turd,

you can roll it in powdered sugar, but it is not a Jelly doughnut. Do the work. Thank you.

Thank you.