The Northern Plains Group in Fargo, ND

Hello

my mom, my name is Jim Girling and I'm an alcoholic.

Every time

I,

by God's grace, good sponsorship and meetings like this actions of Alcoholics Anonymous have been sober since September 1st of 1998.

Dave, thank you for asking me to come and speak.

It's a privilege to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and, and I'll talk a little bit more about that later. But what a great thing to be a part of something and even a small way a group like this. Alcoholics Anonymous has blessed me enough to be able to travel around a little bit and see a lot of different meetings and a lot of different places and, and hear a lot of speakers. And,

and the more that that's happened, the more I've become convinced that the people who I love and respect and go to meetings with right here in North Dakota are the best examples of Alcoholics Anonymous I know. And I really consider myself most privileged to be associated with you. So

Dave and Heather having a baby, Wow. I don't know if there's 8 lbs of alcoholism. Just dying to get out. Love it,

Eva.

I can't. I can't help it. You know,

many of you in this room are just really near and dear to my heart. And, and, and, you know, there's just so many memories. It's just sort of flood back as as I look back over the time I've been sober, I sobered up in Fargo and and

and it occurs to me when you think Patrick for being

excellent schmooze. He gave up his cup of coffee so I could have two. I just want you to know, Mr. Patrick, and plus, I'm the schmooze in my Home group, so we never get any juice. It's much for you. If I could quit shaking enough to drink it, I'll get them both down, buddy. So

what occurred to me was that Alcoholics Anonymous is the, is the only place that I found that that I can be sober

and, and for a while feel like I'm in the right place at the right time. And I never had that before I got here. And, and I didn't know, you know, that it was going to work for me. And there was just, there was just so many things, you know, the problems were just so immense. When I sobered up, I, I was convinced that I, I couldn't do this. And even if I could, I wasn't sure I really wanted to. And, and, and I grew up feeling the way that you heard described earlier by

the other two speakers who talked about just not fitting in. And

the best way for me to describe that was not being in the right place at the right time. And I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I knew there was something wrong with me. And I grew up in this family where we had eight kids and I was the youngest of eight kids. And I always looked at the things that sort of separated me from you, the things that always made me different, even if there wasn't something tangible that I could say, well, I was from a big family or we didn't have money, or if I only lived in town instead of five miles out in the country, then everything would be OK. Even if it came down to where I knew that those things wouldn't work for me to say anything,

I knew that there was something wrong. There was something there. And so I kind of spent my whole life just trying to run through and find the answers and find the next thing or the next place where I would feel comfortable. And I felt that way in sobriety, even in a conversation in a room full of sober people. And I'll be talking to somebody and I'm kind of half listened and I'm sure kind of what's going on over there. And I want to know what's happening with Chad. And, you know, I just have this mind that's just sort of constantly racing. And

the only thing that ever quieted that down was alcohol.

When I got enough of that stuff in my system, the racing mind and the differences I felt from me to you. And, you know, the fact that I, I walked funny and I had to wear corrective shoes when I was young and it scarred me emotionally. All that stuff just went away, you know, And for a while I could feel like I was in the right place at the right time. And I was the person that I had always dreamed that I could be. And, and I loved it and I, and I,

and I remember the first time I was drunk really clearly thinking why wouldn't anybody, why wouldn't everybody want to do this?

This just, it was so beautiful, so perfect, you know, and, and I guess not everybody thinks that way. It turns out I didn't know that. I just assumed that that's the way people should look at this because that's the way I felt about it. And, and ironically enough, there's people out there who don't drink like I do. They're not afflicted with the same problem that I have.

I was reminded of that

here not too long ago when my wife and Garry's fiance are, they become friends, you know, and one night a couple months ago, my wife said, Jim, I'm going to go out with Ashley and, and we may have a few drinks. And I said, okay. And she said, well, Are you sure you're OK with that? Because when I come home and I was like, stop right there. You're going to go out and have a few drinks and come home. You know, I'm going to go out and have a few drinks and I don't know when I'm going to show up. I'm, I don't know,

I'm going to wake up. I God forbid you know Emily, I hope I wasn't that guy because I was a bed wetter.

I lot of blackouts.

They have to make an amends to you later. You know, I'm just kidding.

I, I, I, I went, you know, I grew up with all these really good intentions. I never intended for my life to get as bad as it did. And I never meant to hurt the people I hurt. And I and I

and I went, I went on drinking and all this time hurting my family and I had a brother who died. Alcoholism. It doesn't, you know, wouldn't say alcoholism on the autopsy because he killed himself, but he did drugs and drank almost all of his life. And, and at the bitter end, you know, at the jumping off place, that's where he went and he died of alcoholism. I'm I'm convinced in my heart of it. And that's where I was going. And my family would say things to me like, you know, Jim, why are you doing this to yourself?

You're, you're tearing us up. We can't watch this anymore. You can't be around us when you do this. We, we just,

we can't take it. You're going to die. You're killing yourself. And I, and I knew that they meant very well, but it just sort of, kind of bounced off, you know, And when I woke up, you know, naked and the back of a hatchback on Main Ave. On a Sunday morning, wondering.

I wonder how I got there.

It's a long walk back to MSU. Let me tell you,

back then we had, we were on I'm so we had semesters when I went over there and it was MSU, not MSU M

Anyway, I didn't think, you know, maybe these people are right. Maybe when they tell me I shouldn't drink so much, maybe I should not drink so much. Maybe I should, maybe I should just, you know, not drink with people who I just met at a bus stop on Broadway, you know,

because that's what happened. We went out, we were going to have a few drinks and my buddies went one way and I went this way. And that's where I woke up. So I didn't intend for those things to happen yet they did time and time again and much, much worse, you know, when I woke up in the hospital or when I, you know, came to in, in, in hospitals and, you know, cops beat me to wake me up. They're like, you know,

how many times my parents got called from the emergency room and said, your son's in the emergency room again and he's unresponsive.

You know, I didn't ever really associate those things. I knew drinking was sort of a problem, and these people are telling me I shouldn't drink. And yet

it made sense to me on some level. But what you really don't understand is that when I do that, that's the only time I'm OK. I couldn't stay away from that stuff because when I was sober, the rest of the time I was just, I would become more restless and irritable and discontent. And when it came down to me taking that first drink, in spite of the fact that it hurt all those people or all that stuff happened, you know, I would take it anyway. My mind would find a reason to tell me it's OK, Jim, to take that drink. And so,

and that's, and that's just what I did for years and years. And,

you know, I, I woke up in a hospital in Washington state. I met a kid from Washington state where he at woke and woke up in a hospital in the university. And I'd been stabbed the night before and they medevaced me up there. And, and that kept me sober like two weeks because after the guy who stabbed me and his uncle picked me up and we went out to the bar and,

you know, it's where I was at. That's who I had to hang out with, you know, and we went to this party and.

And man, the wheels are really coming off. And it would probably, you know, just one of the times the wheels were really coming off, we went to this party and he's walking around and I'm introducing myself as stabbing victim and he's a stabbing suspect. And. And I yeah. And I woke up the next morning in the basement of the house with my face plastered to what I think was my own urine in the carpet. And I hope it was. I mean, I hope it wasn't somebody else's.

I'm talking about that too much. But Heather identifies.

So, so. And then I go up to the fridge and I'm rummaging around. I still don't know whose people's house this is, you know? But one of them comes out and they're looking at me like, I can't believe you're still here. You have to go now. And so I didn't get invited back to many parties in Washington, but

and the wheels would fall off and I'd call my parents. I want to come home. My you know, and they say, Jim, we'll send you the bus ticket, come home. You can stay with us as long as you don't drink. And that cycle would start again. And I get I'd be sober for a little while and I get so little tight and I just, you know, I'm stuck in this little town and this town is the problem. And I got to get out of here. And once I get out of there, I think, well, no, I'm not there. They're not going to know. So it's OK for me to drink. And I did a little tour of county jails in the tri-state area, and

so I can tell you which ones you can get. Food poisoning. You can see me after the meeting

the But at any rate, you know, just

just ad nauseam and I'm literally dying of alcoholism.

You know, I'd made all these attempts at sobriety and I'd been exposed to Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to treatment the first time I was 16 years old.

Probably none of you remember this by the last time was here. I said that you know, if you're new or used welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I do have a special place in my heart for people who are retreads like me, a long term chronic slipper. But I need to tell you the solution is the same. The solution is the same. And so when I ended up back in Alcoholics Anonymous again and for a long time going to meetings,

trying to stay sober and feeling like I was dying, you know, it's a, it's a tough spot to be. So

I have to find a way that I can live sober and be OK. And it requires me to produce A level activity that or action in Alcoholics Anonymous, I should say that is greater than my alcoholism. And I didn't know that. And I fought it and I resisted it. And I got this, this guy, Jeff V, many of you know him. He moved to Fargo and and he found just the two sickest pukes he could find,

Marcus and I, and started working with us. And so he's got me on this regimen. You know I'll, yes, I'll sponsor you after I got drunk again and blew the Halloween party for the group.

I still have that to my credit.

And, and got fired from Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Yeah, I've been fired from McDonald's. So there's nothing wrong with having a job, I can tell you. So if you're even holding a job right now, you're ahead of the game on me. But it just, you know, I, I, I think the, the wheels were completely off and I was, I was desperate enough. And I think, as Gary pointed out, you know, I still today in sobriety have to be desperate enough to do what it takes in order for me to recover

and, and and working on that. I think there's a better way, but maybe just on the verge, you learn in it. And I have to be desperate enough to do what it takes. And so I come to Alcoholics Anonymous and, and I'm dying for this guys help because, you know, my sponsor looked like you and you people, you look like you had it together

and you looked as though something was working in your life. And I became willing to try just enough, even though I really didn't believe it was going to work. And and so my my sponsor would come and pick me up, damned as saying he would show up. He said let's meet Monday nights at 7:00 and he would show up every Monday night whether I was there or not.

You people did what you said you were going to do, and that's probably the most powerful example that I think I know. An alcoholic synonymous is being where you're supposed to be when you're supposed to be there.

And I started doing some of these things and I just am sober now. And I have all the same problems that I had when I was drinking. And they're all right in front of me. And I'm, and I'm dipping my foot in the, in the pool, you know, of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm thinking, I don't know if that's really for me. And somebody would call me on the phone and I'd see the caller ID and I wouldn't get it, you know, because they would probably want to go to a meeting or something, God forbid, you know,

it's way over the top. You know, he, my sponsor said you go to three meetings a week. And I could live with that. But

when somebody call and say, let's go to another meeting and then I'd be like, oh, you got to be kidding me. And then Chad would call and he tried to sucker me and to come and stand on their couch. And I knew what was up and I wasn't going to have any of it. But I, I didn't really have any very much of A choice because my brother and his new wife were pretty tired of me staying on their couch and their two-bedroom apartment. And and so I ended up, you know, moving in with Chad and Matt. And for the record, I was on the couch for about 36

years. So

is it you had to be there? It just it get bigger every time I hear bought it from somebody else. So I just had to top them

and

we started, you know, and I started to really begin to put myself in a position where recovery could happen for me. And that's what it's all about. I just had to show up enough to let it start happening. And, and, and things began to slowly change in my life and, and, and it still, you know, I got to tell you, I'm not a person who just sort of gets it. There may be those in Alcoholics Anonymous and God bless you. I mean, I mean it, God bless you. And I do not just get it. I question and I struggle and I fight and I want to know why and I

figure it out and I'd much rather do that then do something about the problem. And and that's, that's just a character defect that I have seemed to hang on to this whole time. But

Alcoholics Anonymous seems to work in spite of me. And so when I put myself in a position where it can happen for me, and I get that from direction and from the example of you people. And so I remember, you know, I got to tell you, I've been a very bad member of Alcoholics Anonymous at times. Some of the things I cannot talk about from the podium, however, you know, it's no. And, and there's nothing that's happened that I haven't been able to be sponsored through.

However, it's no guarantee that that's what's going to happen for me.

You know, it's a privilege to be here and it's a privilege to be. And by that I mean it's a privilege to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that is based on the principle of one alcoholic working with another. And somewhere along the line, when Bill and Bob got together and they talked to each other and they started to go help other drunks, somehow that message got to. And somebody showed up on my with a message that all that they wanted to do for me is to help me stay sober and live a better life and that's it. And they didn't have a motive to do it, and they didn't

any other reason than that. It helps them, you know. And this deal is passed down for free and for fun. And the principle of 1 drunk working with another is what that was all founded on. That's where I have to live. That's what my element needs to be if I'm going to make it.

Meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous are very, very good. It's where we can meet new people and we can. They can find the fellowship that they seek and the solution that they seek. But you know, where we live is outside of meetings and we do a lot of stuff together

in Alcoholics Anonymous in Jamestown.

It's more than just activity. And it's the phone calls and it's the middle of the night.

You know, I need some help. Can you get over here?

Where life really started to begin to get good for me was where I allowed myself to be inconvenienced. The things that I was asked to do in recovery, and if I'm not inconvenienced by them, I'm not really typically doing very well, is what I've learned. I want to do what's comfortable by nature, and I just sort of always draw back to that. My mind tells me I don't have to do those things.

Maybe you've heard that they're just suggestions.

Well, my sponsor put it to me like this, he said. Jim, I'm going to make suggestions to you about what I think is good for you to do in your recovery. Obviously you're not very successful at living your life

and I want you to think of it like this. If I were to give you a parachute and throw you out of a plane, I would suggest that you pull the ripcord. And and that's exactly what my sponsors direction,

sponsored direction has done for me in my life,

because I wouldn't have pulled the ripcord folks.

I I wouldn't have, I would have found a way around. I thought, well, I'm going to wait just a little bit grounds getting a little bigger. I know, but you know, I'm and and I would have been done for and, and many times when I would have left Alcoholics Anonymous. It's, it's those little things and those commitments that I might have made to somebody to tell somebody I was going to be there that dragged me through that. And,

and at any rate, a lot of amazing things have happened for me in sobriety. I've I've roomed with tremendous roommates and I've gotten to have relationships with people and Alcoholics Anonymous that I, that I can't begin to understand the people I know and, and love and respect are here and, and, and I remember, you know, but it's never enough. It's like I remember, you know, being, being like a year sober and I'm thinking I'm going to die. At first I didn't even have

job and then when I got one through three months, I was like, I'm going to die at this place, fixing in this whole, you know,

and, and, and so you know, I got it and it was always about the job and then it was always about her and then it was always about, you know, it's like the obsession of the day. What's it going to be or the obsession of the minute? Sometimes it's like boom, boom, boom, and and and it's always about something else out there that's going to fix me. And when I was newly sober for a while, I thought if I only stay sober four years and then I get a clean,

licensed, clean record, insurance record, and then I'll drive truck and then after I drive truck for a few years and I make some good money, then it'll be OK for me to drink again. That obsession won't leave me alone. It's out there doing push ups and stuff, getting ready to attack me. It's not my alcoholism is not the kind that will shout at me from the Hilltop. I'm coming to get you, Jim. You know, it's just going to spring up, you know, ready for assault on a Tuesday afternoon.

That's why I have to stay close to the center, you know, because I don't, I don't want to be Mia

standing camp boys.

At any rate, I remember telling my sponsor one time,

you know, everybody around me was getting into relationships and they were falling in love and I was resentful of their success. And at the same time, I was, I was kind of happy for him. But I just, you know, I can do that. I can have two conflicting emotions at the same time. And, and, and I remember telling him Jeff, who was going to have her, you know, love a guy who's 32

smokes 2 packs a day, glass eye, you know, I said just like that. I'm on the verge of tears myself just thinking about it and.

And

I found one.

I've been married almost three years and well,

not,

not well, not three years yet, but

not going to win. It's in August. So

anyway, I, I used to joke with the guys about, you know, well, as long as I can meet somebody who's beautiful and kind and adores me, you know, just joking around and, and that's pretty much what happened. And I have a beautiful wife and a eight-month old son who I love very much. And it's been really, I got to tell you, it's been an amazing year starting back in November. I have been trying to get to the Halloween party in Jamestown for like

four years, ever since I've lived there and it work has taken me out of town. And then last year I'm finally going to get to go and my wife is pregnant, but she's not due for another six weeks. And all of a sudden we're getting ready to go to the party and all of a sudden I hear maybe I better go to the hospital.

Boom. You know, and, and so we went to the hospital and the doctor said, the baby's coming. You need to go to Fargo. We can't handle it here. And, and so, you know, inside my, my initial reaction is, Oh my God, we're going to lose the baby. All this stuff, you know, I mean, just my mind, like I'm telling you, it's out to get me. And so I'm off to the races. But we go to the hospital and I call my sponsor and then he says, Jim, this isn't about you, it's about them. So regardless of how you feel inside, I want you to act as though

you have dignity and grace and it will be given to you. And that's exactly what happened. And we came to Fargo and we had that baby and he was in the ICU for a couple weeks and everything was just fine.

So my mind is my worst enemy.

I know some of you were like, I don't know if it's alcoholic but there's a kid in Jamestown swears he was like 6 months early or something. But no, I'm just kidding. I taught my story. No, it's really not that big a deal. It turns out, you know, I mean

them. But anyway, so I was all tore up about that. But you know, God saw suit. And then and then in April, my dad passed away suddenly and he went in for a fairly routine procedure. Then that was, you know, was supposed to, everything was supposed to be fine. And he didn't make it out of surgery. And, and I got to tell you folks, I want to tell you what Alcoholics Anonymous gave me.

I wasn't going to do this. I was getting emotional. Tell you what Alcoholics Anonymous gave me.

I was in jail when my grandpa died, when my mom's dad died, and I was drinking when my brother died, and I was in no way there for my family. In fact, I was doing much more harm than I ever could have good at that time. I would have been better just to stay away altogether. So maybe it's a good thing I was in jail

and, and when my dad passed away, I was there for my mom in ways that I didn't think I would be asked to be there for. And and that's what you people gave me. And you know what else you people gave me? I was the first man to ever give my mom a dozen roses

because you and and when my folks came to meetings, you guys told them nice things about me. Most. Yeah, Now that ain't a miracle. Most of them I can prove untrue. As a matter of fact, so or somebody can. I was the first guy to dance with my grandma ever, you know, because of you people. And, and I was current with my dad when he died and I have no regrets about

there's nothing I wish I could have said to him. And there's nothing else I should have done. I called him 3-4 or five times a week after that baby was born just to let him talk to him and listen to him COO. And, and, and those are the things that you have given me. And that is far more priceless than anything I could have expected when I got here. So Alcoholics Anonymous has just been that. It's been

a journey, sometimes tumultuous, sometimes full of mistakes, and sometimes full of joy's

and sometimes sadness. But at the same time, it's a journey I wouldn't trade for anything, regardless of what else happens along the way. The rest is cake. I told her I'd throw that in there. The rest is cake. If I have a way to stay sober and be OK, the rest is just icing on the cake. And

so thank you for letting me be, if I'll be at brief part of your lives, Thank you for being a part of mine,

and thank you for my spritey.