The International Group of Stockholm's "12-Step Workshop Weekend" in Stockholm, Sweden

So I detox on a Greyhound bus, you know, headed out to California seeking whatever those people had out there.

I threw up, I shook, I sweated, I hallucinated. I had DTS on a Greyhound bus. It was bad for me and the person next to me. Trust me, bad for both of us. Always think about that person.

I had my last drink in El Paso, TX

by this wonderful Angel, this man on the bus. One day I hope to see this. Man,

I was shaking really bad.

I was turning colors, practically.

I could barely breathe.

I was hurting because you see, I had not been without a drink in this body since fetus.

That was not cute.

It was bad. And this man that was on the bus, he looked at me and he said I know exactly what you need. So he said to me, I remember hearing him say I know what you need. And he carried me around the corner from the bus station to a bar. And he ordered a drink and he held it. I was shaking so bad I couldn't hold it with my hands. And he held it for me. And I was slopping it up like a dog finally getting some water.

It was bad and I'm grateful to that man

Really, I don't know if I would have made it the rest of the way. It wasn't as simple as all let's just stop drinking.

When I arrived in downtown Los Angeles, I had a size 1 pair of pants and two pants underneath.

Thank you. I had a huge, huge sweatshirt,

four months pregnant.

The baby didn't have a heartbeat by the time I got to California, so I had a dead baby in my belly. He was like, you go with a dead baby. That's a good way to refer to me. So he was like, you know, the dead baby, or you're the one that sucks Dick for $5. And they say that anyway.

Had a girl show up looking for me. You don't want to be sucking Dick for $5. I need to talk to you. Like, yeah, that's me anyway.

Oh goodness,

I was tore up to the floor. That's what they call it. Tore up to the floor. Up

from the floor, whatever, I was jacked up.

Smelly, nasty, crusty underwear.

I don't know if your hands don't know where we at, but that's the type of drunk I am. I got dirty, nasty, crusty underwear. You know something? I need to hear it like that.

If I would have come into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn't hear nobody talk about dirty, nasty, crusty underwear, I can't stay here.

If I just came into the rooms and people talked about, oh, I just drank a little bit and it got pretty bad and now I'm in a a, I can't stay here. No, you people need to talk to me. You need to let me know that you've done what I've done. You've been where I've been, and you've seen what I seen. Don't tell me you had a couple cocktails because that's not how I lived.

Things got bad, was bad. How bad? What you talking about?

My mother picked me up and she dropped me off in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and left me there. She turned me over to the very people that saved her life. She knew she couldn't help me. I'm not gonna listen to her. I could manipulate her. I can use her playoff of her guilt, but I can't listen to her. She turned me over the people who saved her life.

I always say I feel like a baby in a baby basket left at the doorsteps of Alcoholics Anonymous. My life changed on March 29th, 1990.

I will not tell you that I have not found it necessary to take a drink. That's a bold faced lie.

I'm an alcoholic. I find many reasons to drink and necessity to drink. The miracles that I don't, even when I find that necessary, that is the miracle.

This is my first time in Alcoholics Anonymous. That's amazing. I always love to share that because there are some people who are first timers. There was a time I was embarrassed about that, so maybe I wasn't a real alcoholic or something.

Relapse, they would told me does not have to be a part of my recovery. And I was grateful to hear that. When I got here, they said you're not promised that there's a revolving door. Some people don't make it back. Don't get so cute and so comfortable. I didn't know what's real funny. I remember telling an old timer, well, if I go out, I probably just die. And she said, Theresa, you're probably to you too young and too cute. You probably won't be afforded the luxury of dying. You have to live an alcoholic, torturous life.

That's worse. Death is a luxury, she said to me.

Be so arrogant and smug to think that you'll go out and die. Could you imagine?

I came in here. Old timers were tough on me. I don't know how it's here,

but they were tough on me and I'm grateful for that. They loved me until I can learn to love myself.

I got sober in South Central Los Angeles. It was pretty rough. Most of the drugs I got soled with came off a Skid Row, so they weren't playing with my cute little Princess self.

I'm grateful for that. God puts us exactly where we need to be. I need to be somewhere where people got my attention. First of all, I'm a New Yorker. We're pretty straightforward people, OK? Don't talk to me like I can't talk to you. I can't talk to you. You need to get my attention.

They got my attention.

They told me to sit down, shut up and listen. I don't know if y'all do that here,

but I love it

because you know what it is I am self will run riot. You give me an inch, I take a mile. I'm a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, a gambler, a hustler. I'm a player. Don't play with me. If I would have came here and you would have been nice to me, I would have wrapped you around my finger. You'd been buying me dinner. Are you kidding me?

Scandalous. I'm a manipulator. I'm a liar, man. And I was hanging out with the liars of the liars. The cheetahs of the cheetahs, the hustlers of the hustle. They were like, not here, baby girl. I don't think so. You ain't done nothing we ain't done. You ain't been wearing beating. You ain't seen what we they like. Oh, please. You can't play a player.

You can't cheat a cheetah. Oh, I love it. They got my attention.

They told me to sit down, shut up and listen for a reason. They told me to examine my relationship with alcohol.

You see, if

Doctor Bob didn't shut up, he couldn't have heard Bill.

Somebody had to be quiet in that conversation.

We get that little twisted.

They got one junk talking to another, but somebody got a pause and let the other one talk.

And where I came from, I was doing all the talking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, talking about nothing.

They told me to sit down and shut up long enough so I can listen to you.

Had to listen to you so that I can examine my relationship with alcohol.

That's the only way I was going to do it, by listening to you.

That is the first time we find hope

to listen to someone else tell my story.

Boom, you away.

They blew me away,

jacked me up.

I sat there and I the very first meeting I was, I remember there was a woman got up and she said I got on clean underwear today.

I was like, my goodness, check that out. And I got dirty nasty cross

underwear and she got clean underwear. I'm interested.

I want to know what she's doing.

Love it. She's like today's a good day.

Love that

they were talking about not sleeping in cardboard box and pushing cards and looking for food at a garbage can.

The level of gratitude that they had for their life and their sobriety was huge. That they weeped every time they spoke of it.

The language of the heart. All that. My heart started pounding.

They told me to concede to my innermost self, that I was truly alcoholic, to concede to my animal self, that I could no longer rationalize and justify my behavior, and that I couldn't sit here and I could say all the words to you and spew them off. They told me to your animal self, you ain't got to impress us. You need to walk around here trying to be cute.

You need to stop lying to yourself, is what they said to me.

And that's something because I could lie to you.

I can tell you it's all good. You don't know I'm dying on the inside, they said. Be honest with yourself. I had to be honest for the first time in my life.

Is it possible

that I could be wrong,

that perhaps I cannot manage and control this thing? I don't know about you, but I was relieved to hear that it had a definition, that somebody was able to define it for me. Oh, I'm an alcoholic, thank you. I just thought I was crazy. I didn't understand why I can balance checkbooks as I was six. I can have businesses since God knows when. I've always been aceo of something, but why can't I deal with this?

I didn't understand what is the problem. I can manage your life

and I was so well at it.

What's going on over here?

I was relieved. Was I jumping for joy? No. I don't think that anybody that finds out they got diabetes or cancer comes out of the doctor to be towing through the tulips.

Any illness is a bit depressing when you hear it.

I'm grateful that they told me that I didn't have to be jumping for joy.

I was angry with alcohol for almost a year.

I grieved alcohol in these rooms. I was angry. How

dare you betray me. You were everything in my life. How dare you? You know what I'm grateful for? Nobody in Alcohol is Anonymous told me. I couldn't do that. I was angry. Alcohol was on my inventory.

Don't do that to me. Leave me like that with these people in life. I don't know how to talk to people, I don't know how to Make Love. I don't know how to relationships. I don't even know how to go to work without you. How am I supposed to live now?

How dare you? Those are the conversations I have with my disease.

They asked me, do you want what we have?

Do you want what we have?

They gave me the Big Book of Alcoholics, Anonymous told me. It was a textbook. It was meant to be studied. It was not a novel,

they say. The program is outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is how thousands of men and women have recovered Ed, which means regain and restored to health,

have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

This is precisely how they did it and they used the word precisely, which means exactly.

I was a trip in my first year

and I'm grateful that people just love me anyway.

I wanted this thing like I wanted air

because this program was the last house on the block. If this wasn't going to work, somebody need to blow my brains out because I couldn't live the way I was living and I didn't come here to play with two people. I didn't come here for no social club,

I came here going. I'm dying. Can you help me?

They told me stick with the winners. Who are the winners? People have a working knowledge of the step in the book and they go into meetings. I didn't have time to sit around gossiping with nobody. About what? What do you want to gossip about her for? I don't care about her. I don't care about her outfit. OK. She's a drunk. I'm a drunk. You want to get sober? That's all I'm interested in. Teach me how to live with her outfit. Don't gossip about her outfit. Tell me what step? To apply a tradition to deal with that woman's outfit. That's what I want to know. That's all I want to know. You can't talk to me about that. I can't talk to you.

They told me about unity recovery and service that I need to live in the core. They said honesty, open mindedness and willingness.

My sponsor told me honesty. You don't know what it is. You tell me everything and I'll shift through the bullshit that's my sponsor told me. You don't even know what honesty is, so just give me everything and I'll tell you what's real and what is it.

They told me to be open minded. What did that mean to the possibility that just maybe I don't know nothing?

That's all open minded. They meant the possibility that maybe I don't know nothing. Is it possible

that's what every told Bill? Just be open minded to the possibilities.

What a concept.

And they told me to be willing. What does that mean? Give it a try.

It's real simple. I used to hear it's a simple program for complicated people. I'm so grateful I wasn't around. But I'm analytical, OK? I have. I'm gonna have a genius IQ, right? I've read encyclopedias. I've taken all kind of workshops. OK, I'm a genius. OK. I got a wonderful resume. Please don't sit here and mind. Screw me. I can't get into it like that. It's a program that has a feeling here

in my heart, not up in here. It's only my disease is centered in my thinking. I see. It's thinking, thinking committee. Don't listen to what's in between your ears.

They told me don't listen. And I used to walk around talking to myself. Oh, shut up. Be quiet. I'm not listening to you. You're a liar. You're trying to kill me. You're just a disease. I'm going to a meeting. Leave me alone.

I'm calling my sponsor. Shut up.

I love it.

I'm grateful that I sat around people who are very simple minded. They gave me the program in a simple way. They told me it's not that deep.

Real simple. It was very simple. It's like, just do it. That's how they talk to me. Just do it, Theresa. They told me I must find a power greater than myself. How do I do that? I don't believe in higher power. What? No. Shut up.

Do the steps believe? Because we believe.

That's it.

My sponsor told me. All you need to know there is one you ain't it real simple. It ain't that deep

cinema dialogue and about that for days. Alright, Power and I got a relationship. What are you doing? Stop it,

I'm not clear. Make a decision. What? Turn my life? How could I turn my life? Stop it. Just do the third step prayer. That's how they talk to me.

Because, you know, The funny thing is I drank like that. I don't ever remember going somewhere and somebody said take a green pill and what does that pill do? I'm not sure. How does it affect? I didn't do that.

I was like, all right, you know, it's fun. Not later, the bartender said. Here, Teresa, new drink. It just came out. Great. Let's see what happens. Honey, go. Where did it come from? Where did it? You know, I don't know. I don't like that color. I didn't do that,

do that in the program. I applied to this program the way I drank. I drank every day, all day. So I participated every day, all day.

I wasn't all that choosy when I was in bars and crack houses, so I wasn't choosy about who I was hanging out in the rooms with. A A either. They said principles before personalities. I don't care about your personality. I could not care. Do you know their assholes? Everywhere. Everywhere.

I love that tradition. Principles before personnel. We got a lot of assholes. I'm an asshole. You're an asshole,

the beauty.

You can't throw me out. I can't throw you out. So we might as well figure it out together. We all got to be here. That was my attitude.

You can't throw me out.

The only requirement is a desire. I don't want to stop drinking. You can't throw me out. I was, I, I was happy to know that alone when I got here.

This is the one place I couldn't burn the bridge and nobody could throw me out. I was like, you can't throw me out. Nobody can. I don't care if you don't like me. I'm saying

right here in this meeting I was bad. I was like, Aunt uh-huh, I'm staying here.

I went to a meeting that I swore was KKK, Honey, I knew it was Ku Klux Klan. And I raised my hand. I said excuse me, I need to share.

I say, I know

people are KKK, all right, but I don't care because you can't throw me out. You got a black girl at your meeting, OK. You got an African in your meeting, OK, As long as I don't see a rope going around. No tree, right? No hood, nobody's head. I'm not leaving

the KKK a meeting. You people have to help the black girl today

because I'm an alcoholic and I get to be here. They were like, girl, we're getting

you're tripping. I was like, I'm just saying, hey, I'm just letting you know I can go anywhere,

120 and I'm accepting. Nobody could throw me out. I have a chair. I felt good about that.

What a wonderful feeling when you've been thrown out everywhere you've gone your whole life, it'll go someplace. And Miller, they could never throw you away.

What a wonderful thing.

I have trudged this role, man, and continue to trudge it. They gave me a sponsor. I have listened to her. I never argued with her, debated her, questioned her ever.

For what

That woman gave me a working knowledge of the steps in the book. She doesn't give me her opinion. She gives me her experience, strength and hope. What are you to debate anybody about that? We all got opinions like assholes. Everybody got one.

She shares her experience, which is different. Why do I need to debate that? She gives me a working knowledge of the steps in the book. What do I need to debate that about?

Never argue with that woman. Ever.

I follow the direction that you people did. Why? Because this is how thousands of men and women have recovered. So I did what you did to see what happened. And you know what? I've got what you got.

Something end up happening to me.

The Doctor's opinion talks about a psychic change.

I have had a spiritual experience.

I have transformed. It's amazing what has happened to me.

It's amazing.

I heard it was an inside jaw

in the chapter working with others that says burn into the consciousness of every man

to clean house and trust in God.

I have cleaned house. I have two people. I have done the uncomfortable until it became comfortable. I've been in the fetal position around here. That's why I'm grateful nobody lied to me when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. The old timers didn't lie to me. They going to go. It's just going to be so wonderful. You're sober now and it's just great. No, they said. Hold on honey

is gonna get intense, but you'll receive something beyond your wow this dream.

I suffer from a soul sickness,

a spirituality.

I heard that when you straighten out spiritually, first you be straightened out mentally and then physically and that order,

if you be new Saturday returns but not on two. Stop tripping. It comes back on 10.

Two just asked you to believe in the possibility that you could be restored to sanity. Because we have.

I love the steps,

love them.

You have introduced me to a power greater than myself. I have tapped into a source of power. Teresa is no longer powerless.

You have given me the power of choice. I do not walk around here going as a powerless. My life is a mess as a violence. I'm an alcoholic. I'm violence. Could you imagine that's miserable? I'd be like, oh God, there's no hope in that.

If you be knew. The beauty is that sanity returns and our life now turns into neutrality and it becomes normal one

the think and thinking changes and I can actually start listening to my thoughts. As a matter of fact, I can trust in them and use them. Isn't that fascinating?

Once I straighten out spiritually,

trust in my intuitive thoughts, I I actually get rocket into a fourth dimension of existence, which we don't hear too many people talk about. But you know why? Because you can't articulate it. It's an experience. It's an experience.

The miracle of it all is that the drinking problem has been removed. That's what it tells me. In 10,

the drinking problem has been removed.

You asked me to pray for the obsession be removed. I got on my knees and I prayed every day that it makes sense. No, but I did it anyway. One day it disappeared. How? Why? I don't care. It's gone.

Nobody has ever lied to me and Alcoholics Anonymous.

I don't care what language your big book is, I know that it's in the same words, expression and explanation.

I'm in love with Alcoholics Anonymous.

I have tapped into a source of power.

Drinking was only but a symptom.

I drank because I had no other choice.

I had no other solution. I had never left my block.

And when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, it was like Disneyland. You know, when I got here, I said, you mean to tell me you don't have to drink all the time? What,

you mean to tell me that people don't have to take turns with your body?

Really.

I never met anybody like that.

You mean to tell me that no one takes turns with your body to hear

that your body is actually yours? What? Oh my God. Oh, you don't have the steel things just to eat? Are you kidding me?

Oh, you can walk around with your head up and you don't have to be better than anybody or less than anybody, are you? What?

Hey, what is that? Freedom? What is that exactly? What does that look like? I don't even know what that is. Serenity. Oh geez. Can you show me

peace? I ask God for that. You not even know what I was asking for.

I don't know what your point of reference is

but alcoholism was in threaded in my life. Fear was into woven in every area. I got it when it said that in the book. Fear is an evil corroding thread that ran through the fabric of the existence of my life. I lived in fear every day, all day long. And please, alcohol help me. So just get through the day.

And when you can't get drunk and you can't get sober is the worst place for an alcoholic like me to be. That's incomprehensible and demoralizing. And I show up here and you teach me how to live in a place of peace and freedom and ease and comfort. That I'm comfortable in my own skin,

that I become a lady.

That I get something that's called dignity and integrity and respect.

Y'all think this is just about drinking?

That's funny.

As with the Otter told me, these ain't just about drinking, baby girl. This is about living.

This program is designed for a living.

I didn't even know I was dying.

Isn't there something

the drinking problem has been removed? I recoil from it like a hot flame. I don't run from bars and clubs and people. He would say, hey, Teresa, want to drink? Oh, no, thank you. Maybe tomorrow, not today.

Got an analogy? Some weird happens to me.

Leave that alone. I break out in the crack house or something.

I love my life today. I'll get an opportunity to hang out with those who are coming tomorrow. I'm telling you, I didn't even think, as horrific as my past sounds at no time that I even think that I was going through all that just for somebody else.

But all the things that I go through in my life today, I don't even realize that I'm going through it for somebody else. That ain't got nothing to do with Teresa.

As a result, they get to be of service and carry the message. Somebody said what message you gonna carry? There is no other message. There's only the message.

There's only one message. What message you talking about

a drunk like me

is in? Sweet and sober

people want to hear people looking forward to seeing her

as I started out sharing when I got here. I have friends, I got new friends, I met my new buddy, we went out to eat, took me to get something to eat. Didn't want nothing bust just to get me something to eat. I hope. At least that's what I thought, but I felt that that was the case. That was not my experience before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I come in here and I learn what a father looks like, what a mother looks like, what an aunt, what an uncle, what a brother, what a sister, what a friend looks like.

Now something

I look at it in the rooms and I learn what to be like and what not to be like. I learned from everybody.

I learned that there are no big deals.

Now we keep it simple. I've had jobs, lost jobs. I've had money, lost money. I've had a house, lost a house.

I've been in a relationship for 18 years. That's fun.

When I got in that relationship, my sponsor told me I need to be clear about one thing. I need to keep God first, my recovery 2nd, and then me. And that relationship was a fringe benefit.

It's been that way for 18 years.

Nothing and nobody gets in the way of me and my recovery. I love this program so much. I don't play around, I don't play with this. They told me you've been given a gift and I started out this way and I'll end this way. You've been given a gift, a gift on earn.

The grace of God comes in

and I get this gift. An unearned gift.

A trunk like me who didn't think she was worth nothing.

I come here to find out that I am a child of God and God don't make no junk.

God, don't make no joke.

I deserve to be here.

I deserve to be happy,

joyous and free

and I get to live life on life terms one day at a time. And I put one hand in God and one hand in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I don't do this alone.

You took away something from me and it's called isolation,

and all my life I didn't even know that. All I ever wanted was to be happy and loved, and that's something.

That's all I ever wanted was to be happy and loved,

and I've gotten that and then some. I don't want to give that up for nothing. But nobody,

Nobody, he would tell. You've always been this passionate. Yes, I have.

And you got a problem

Because if I go out there, you're not going with me.

If I go back out, you ain't going with me. You're not gonna drink for me. You're not gonna do all the demoralizing things that I do to get the next one. You're not gonna do it for me. I can't hang out with you.

I hang out with people who are soaring on this broad highway

so that we can learn from one another, we could support each other how to live, and we can laugh and have fun and have a good time and enjoy our lives and sobriety in that. Nice. It's so beautiful. If you be new. It really is good, even through the bad times. I am brace it all, all of it,

because I have a heartbeat

and I've become a human being rather than a human doing.

But I will not apologize to anybody for that.

Nobody can tell me that there isn't a God and that this program does not work. Nobody.

Nobody,

I tell people. Look at me,

Look at me.

I know from once I came

and where I am today.

You got a lady before you today,

but for the grace of God, here I am

in Sweden. Nonetheless,

I hope you'll join us tomorrow and I'll do the best of my ability to carry the mess. Same message that was carried to me in which I'll probably be preaching to the choir

and how these steps have worked in my life and I will be as simple as possible because that's how they were broken down. So if you're looking for anything deep, I don't know what to tell you

'cause they ain't all that deep. And I just thank you for your patience and your love and your support and being here and bunch of folks in here, that just tells me that you're a bunch of drunks like me and I'm in the right place. So thank you so much for loving me and being here. Thank you.