The Tuesday night Surrender Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Portland, ME

And join me tonight and welcome Junior, our speaker.

Hi, everybody. My name is Junior. I'm a recovered alcoholic.

Let's see,

to start, my sobriety date is November 1st, 2003. And my Home group is there is a solution group. It's beginners meeting that meets at 6:30 on Thursday nights at the Cathedral church, the big, the big church in town on Congress's and you're all welcome to come and it's an open meeting. So even if you're not sure if you're an alcoholic or not, we'd love to have you there.

Let's see, I'll qualify first so that you know why I'm up here,

that I have a drinking problem. I am an alcoholic because I can't control how much I drink and I can't control when I'm going to drink. And I wasn't even convinced of that for a really long time, even in Alcoholics Anonymous. But when I was sat down and I went through a first step, I started looking at my drinking and what it was like, and then it got pretty clear. But when I was drinking, I really wasn't questioning whether I could control my drinking or not. I was just drinking

and I wasn't like, I wonder if I can control this third drink. I wonder if I can control the next one. I was just drinking. My first drink was age 5. It was kind of an accident. It was just a barbecue and there was a little mini keg. And my friend Matt and I figured out if you push the button, something to drink comes out. And we liked it. And we're just putting our heads under it and drinking it. And I liked it a lot. And I didn't know at the time I had a phenomenon of craving, which means that once I started drinking that that

drink I really wanted more. And the reason I wanted more was because it was giving me

a sense of using comfort, which even at age 5, I didn't know that I didn't have that until I had it and I wanted it more.

I passed out and my next memory is actually my first childhood memory. My next memory is my father carrying me up the stairs. And I'm just laughing. And I the only reason I know I was drunk is he was saying you're so drunk. And

so that was my first experience with alcohol. And I know now that, you know, it is a genetic disease because I had it from day one. I did not get this disease because I had a rough childhood or,

you know, my my boyfriend's drank or whatever excuses I came up with later. I had it from day one

and I proceeded to drink whenever I got that chance, which was a my, my father is European and I, well, he's also an alcoholic. That probably has more to do with why there was alcohol around. But he always said it's, you know, because he's European and there's lots of wine and beer and there's no drinking age, so you can drink. And so I was always allowed to have one sip at meals.

And so I would have that one sip and like just try to get the whole glass with that one sip. And I, the next time I got to drink the way I wanted to, I was 11 or 12 and I was at my grandparents guest house in Long Island. And I, I just went to town. There was free booze in their liquor cabinets. And

you know, I just passed out and the only thing that was really significant about that is that my stepbrother

is an alcoholic

and he, he ended up throwing up that night. We drank, he was my age and we drank the same amount that night. You know, maybe he drank more. I don't know. He'd throw up and in my mom and I passed out in my mind, he had a drinking problem and I didn't because I didn't throw up and I kept that old idea in my head from the rest of my drinking. I always look to my step brother as the one with the real problem. And my family did too, because I, I moved to the West Coast and I got far away from my family

and they didn't see how I drank. And my stepbrother was around a lot and he was, he was drinking at home. I wasn't that stupid. So I, you know, I ended up drinking with my friends and I thought I was a social drinker for a really long time. And

what I didn't realize is that

I looked on the outside like I was drinking as much as them, and sometimes like I would surround myself with people to drink as much or more than I did.

And I didn't realize I was doing that so that it always looked like they were worse off than me.

And especially my boyfriend's that always, I always dated Alcoholics and drug addicts. And they definitely always in my mind looked worse off than me until it was, you know, pretty much the last month of my drinking, I was dating an alcoholic. And I, I was thinking this is just a twisted mind that I have. I, we were drinking all summer together

and because there were lots of BBQ at the party, so everybody was drinking all summer. And every time that he was drinking, I kept, I was like, you know, he drinks too much. I can't date him anymore. And I, I didn't realize until I looked back on it with every drink he had, I was matching. Like I would be literally taking a sit while I'm judging him. And that's how my alcohol is thinking is. And it's been that way from day one.

So what happened was,

you know, that's a little bit about the phenomenon of craving that I have.

I guess one more example I have is that I had well, this is more goes on in my mind. I hadn't made a really the only time I there's two times I decided not to drink at all. The rest of the time I just was going to drink and I did when I wanted to. And there was one time when I was dating somebody who said he was an alcoholic. He wasn't going to a a he was fine just not drinking. He was dry and

he couldn't be around anybody who drank. So if he was going to date me, I drank way too much. So I was going to have to stop drinking.

And I thought I was in love. I'm in love. So, you know, of course I cannot drink. I can do anything for you. So I decide to not drink. And I made a really clear decision about that. And I meant it and, and I thought I could stick to it and I couldn't. It was pretty much every few months I had to start. I would sneak. I would sneak it and I would go. I would get on a train and go to my best friend's apartment in New York City.

Like I had to get away from him for the whole weekend so I'd have time to recover

and hide it, you know, And I would do that every few months. I'm just going to see my best friend and, and I just drank the way I wanted to and then I would go home.

I and I did that for about two years. And so those few months, that was the longest period of time that I had without drinking and it was hell. I just have to say that, you know, I think that I didn't realize it until I got sober and I was in recovery and it was pointed out to me what kind of sponsor, But you know, what is it like for me when I'm not drinking?

And I from my own experience, it's the worst because I was stuck. I was stuck with me without a solution. I mean, alcohol was my solution. It gave me everything that I needed because I am so uncomfortable. I don't know if other people are as uncomfortable as I am, but I am so uncomfortable with myself. And I have been forever even. And that's why I know even at age 5, I was getting what I needed because I, I think I was born uncomfortable and,

and it, it is part of the disease of alcoholism. So if you have the phenomenon craving, most likely you're going to have some other problems

that you get treated here as well. Thank God, because I can't. My problem is I can't stay sober when I put alcohol down. I mean, I really have a sobriety problem. I can't just put it down because I can't live with myself. I suffer. I suffer from, it's called a spiritual malady, but it's basically like I suffer from

a lot. I've been diagnosed with fear, with anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder,

depression. I've been medicated for those things. And you know, and that's because I, I did have those scissors. But what I didn't know is that those symptoms happen to also be the symptoms of alcoholism untreated. So, you know, I can't live with that without alcohol. I can't live with an anxiety attack without something. I just can't do it. I can't look through it. I can't live with clinical depression without a solution. And the medication just wasn't doing it. It would not cut through what is really wrong.

I mean, I have a deep spiritual problem, not just a medical problem or a psychological problem. I have a much bigger problem. I have a fatal disease that's spiritual. So anyway, I had the second time I made a decision not to drink was I was going to school and it was during the summer and I really wanted to do well. And at that point, I had known enough about my drinking that I knew that if I drank and went to school,

I wasn't going to do that well in school. So then we won or the other. So I made a clear decision that I really wanted to be well in school. It was expensive. My parents were paying for it. You know, it meant a lot to me. It was really hard to get into this school. And so I went a week early to get settled in and

a friend of mine said there's a BBQ, let's go to the barbecue. And I didn't know anybody. So I was really nervous and someone handed me a beer and I took it

and there was no, there was no mental defense. There was nothing going on in my mind saying no, you made a decision you were going to drink because you wanted to do well in school. The only thought that came to my mind was it's a beer, it's a BBQ, Cool. And

the next night, and that was, that was the only, I think I might have had one other beer, but that was I didn't get drunk that night. The following night there was a dinner party

and

somebody handed me a glass of wine. And again I had no thought. And I took the glass of wine and it was after that glass of wine I thought, you know, I wasn't going to drink this summer. So this doesn't really count. I'm starting tomorrow and for the rest of the summer. And somehow, you know, I forgot that thought. And somebody poured the more wine and I drank it. And then somebody showed up with a bottle of tequila. And there is no, there is no way I can say no to tequila.

And so I got drunk and I proceeded to get to drink for the rest of my school for the entire summer, every day I had I lost control. I had the, you know, pockets, whatever I already gave in.

And the only other time where I had really,

those were the times where I really made a conscious effort not to drink at all. The other times were really on a daily basis. But it was such a subtle thought. I didn't think it was alcoholism because it would be like

I wake up with one of those killer hangovers where you want to die. And there was there was one where

I really, you know, cuz I had like suicidal tendencies and depression going along with the progression of my alcoholism. And so one night I blacked out and I ended up in my bathroom, passed out on the floor and I decided I wanted to die. And the only thing I could do was try to rant round myself in the toilet. That was my idea, all right.

It was flush, but still it was not. It was not. And so thank God, because it had to be divine intervention because I really was my plan. I passed out on the side of the toilet and I guess I wanted to live again the next day. I don't know what happened exactly, but I dragged my ass to work and I would. I would just, you know, pour a big old pot of coffee and,

you know, make the decision that I'm not having a hangover like that again,

want to feel like that again. I don't know what happened last night. Today's a new day. I'm going home after work and I'm going to recover and recuperate. And, you know, I think plans and after my big pot of coffee and being at work for the day, by 5:00, I was feeling better physically. And everyone's going to the bar. I'm fine. I don't even know why I thought it was a bad idea

this morning. So, you know, and it says in our book that,

you know, we don't have a mental defense against, we can't think the drink through because, you know, our mind changes, you know, after a few, it says a few days or months or weeks, I don't know, it says something. But for me it was a few hours. Like my mind will stick to the plan of not drinking for a few hours. After that. All bets are off. After a few hours, if I'm feeling better, I can't remember. I cannot remember the pain and the suffering, the humiliation of oh, that's what it is. Even a month or a year of month or a week ago,

I can't remember from, you know, 7:00 AM.

So I would end up my excuse as always. I was going to see who was going to the bar. I was going to see who was there and I was going to drink soda. And you know, as soon as I was, as soon as I was in the bar, we would always share pictures to the table. We would have. And you know, as soon as the picture was in front of me, that was it. I could not say no, but in my mind I had every excuse in the world. I did not know. I have this mind where I will attach the justification or the excuse after the fact.

Well, it was a really rough day at work, or my boyfriend broke up on me or I'm dating a new guy or it's raining outside or, you know, whatever it was. And I used to think that those were the reasons I was drinking. I didn't know that that was the excuse to make me feel OK because my mind had already made the decision and I was already drinking. So I don't know if anyone identifies with this, but that was my experience. All right,

making some heads, nodding. So anyway,

where am I going with this? SO

I, I ended up

a really miserable and depressed with anxiety disorder on PTSD and a whole bunch of other problems. And, and basically what happened, like I had been in that situation before, many times before and alcohol was not a problem. It was a solution to my problems and I wasn't about to give it up. And I ended up

this guy, the one who wasn't, you know, an alcoholic who I kept looking to

to justify my drinking. He broke up with me. And I was devastated. I didn't even like the guy. And I was devastated. And in my mind,

I, in my mind, I was better than him. And the reason I was dating him was so that I would never be left. And so he can't leave me. Like, no, no, no, you don't get it. Like that's not my plan. Like I'm already shooting low here. So I was really, I was really devastated. Was a huge hit to my ego

and my pride. And

you know, in addition to that, it was also after the summer where I had drank every day and I did really badly in school

and I was supposed to go back to my home after school and I couldn't do it. All I wanted to do was hang out in the bar and I was drinking all the time. And it was, I don't know if anyone has the experience for alcohol. At one point was working like in the early days and even up until pretty soon before I stopped working, it was working

and I would still get that using comfort and I was still feeling OK when I was drinking. When I was drunk, it was the only time I was like, I can breathe, I can socialize and like the hottest thing in the room, everything is great. And then when I was in it was just total miserable misery. Like I was really drinking just to be okay, just to be OK with me. I was drinking for the effect. I wasn't drinking for the taste. I like, I like the taste too, but that was not why I was drinking so.

So my life falls apart, everything sucks.

Umm and basically it was really that my insides had already were already gone. I had no idea who I was anymore and I didn't even care. I really felt like I was the first part. The first thing that I heard was in a A to identify which is my friend Sherry said I I was like a shell of a woman and that's exactly how I felt. I was like there's nothing left to me. I thought I had just drank my soul away and but basically that just kept me drinking more. And it wasn't until the external stuff crumbled, like the insides

gone and then the external cup crumbled and I did not have the willpower to pick myself up again and do it all over again.

And I was hopeless and I was devastated. And and it's still in my mind had nothing to do with alcohol, but that's where the place I was in. And so I thought my real problem was that I kept dating these alcoholic guys and if I could choose the right guy, I wouldn't feel so awful. And so I tried to find an Al Anon meeting and I couldn't where I was living.

So somebody suggested to go to an A A meeting. They'll have an Al Anon meeting list there.

So I know that God now, because it was not my intention to come here. I my intention was to keep drinking. And you know, and right before that, I remember the last one of the last nights of my drinking. I was so full of self pity and I was so depressed and I would go to my friend Ben's house because we would just drink and drink and drink. And I remember saying

he handed me another beer and I was like, it's not even gonna freaking work.

I don't even, it doesn't work anymore. I cannot. I was so unhappy and so depressed that I couldn't, I couldn't get drunk. It couldn't cut through my misery. It was not powerful enough anymore. It was like my spiritual malady was overtaking my alcohol, You know what it could do for me. And so I don't know if anyone identifies with it does not work me. But that was something else I identify with right away. I was like, yeah, alcohol doesn't even work. So I can't even be an alcoholic because it's not my solution anymore. So, you know, I always use everything

like I'm not, I don't belong here. I don't belong here. I don't belong here.

And and so I ended up going to an AA meeting and I didn't identify right away except for those two things. When when that woman said I feel like a shell of a woman and somebody said alcohol stopped working, I was like, well, yeah, but now where I got sober there. I just want to say that it's really amazing to be in Portland because there's so much good recovery here. And I know so many people who really work program and there's so many people in this room. I know that work a program and

have been through the steps and are going through the steps and they're helping other Alcoholics and they're just doing the deal. And where I got sober, I I don't want to judge, but it's actually just the truth. People were not working a program and it's not their fault. It just was not introduced there. There was not one single woman who had been through the steps as they're outlined in our book. There wasn't a single man who had been through the steps of their outline in our book and

the general message at the meetings I went to

was don't drink and go to meetings, and the sponsor I got at the time told me to do that, she said. Do a 90 and 90.

And you know, you'll just get it, I guess by osmosis or something, I don't know, maybe by the coffee and the cookies, I'm not sure. And so I was going to a lot of meetings and I was doubling up and I was going to like two or three meetings a day. And because I was so miserable and depressed, I could not hold a job. I could not be around other people drinking. And there was a lot of drinking at my work and I, so I quit. I literally for the 6th 1st 6 months of my sobriety,

I slept and I cried and I dragged my ass to meeting and I assumed that it was falling off. So I went to another meeting

and you know, I picked it up and I took my ass to another meeting and and life was miserable in between those lines and and my son's after I did my 90 and 90, I said now what do I do? And she said go to another meeting. Go to a meeting every day for the rest of your life.

I was like, wow, that's going on number one of my my resentment list because like I felt so tricked and so fooled and you've got to be kidding me. Like

this is not, this can't be the solution. Going to meetings cannot be the solution because it's not going to work. And I knew it wasn't working.

And you know, when people gave me the best that they had and there was some really good fellowship and I spent some great times at diners and coffee shops and pizza places. And I'm all about the fellowship because if we don't stick together, we're going to die alone. And I absolutely, 100% believe that. But there is no human being that can fix that deep spiritual problem that I had. And it, and I was looking for it. I was looking for it with all you guys

and, you know, basically what happened was I ended up

really looking for it and looking for it. I was looking for it in men in a, a, you know, it was sort of like a bar, but no one was drinking. And you know, I can definitely find my next boyfriend here. So, you know, that was my that was my, you know, it was a big motivator to get me to go to meetings. Like, at least I have to like, get my clothes on and clean my hair and look good and,

you know, go to meeting. So I did that for a long time. And, you know, and what ended up happening was after doing that for two years, I ended up in a relationship with somebody who was already married. And I am not proud of that at all. And the reason that happened is because I did not have a spherical solution. And I was doing my behavior and my justification, it was stuff that I hadn't even done when I was drinking. And that was just more proof for me now that if I do not have a solution in my life,

not drinking, that's where I go. That's what I do. If I'm not going to pick up alcohol, I'm going to pick up a man. And I do not care if you're already married, whatever. It's like her fault that she's in the way and my relationship anyhow, you know, And like, that was really what I was thinking.

Yeah.

So that that brought me to my knees. I didn't have any concept of God, but that was it. I was like, I, I hated myself

and I, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore. I was like, how did I become this person?

And a doesn't even work. I was the last house on the block. I was like, I'm screwed. Like there's no more house. Like I've done all the houses here. I am in a it's not working. Like I was looking for like the dog shed behind the A house or anything. I was like, there's got to be another house here.

And it was right at that time that somebody, somebody had said they were doing a big book workshop

in my town. And you know, and then through a series of events, I ended up with a sponsor

who was a man who lived in Colorado because there literally wasn't anybody who could who could help me

in in my town. And so I called this guy up and I said, I need help. I don't know how to do the steps. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I'm going to drink like my life sucks. And, and he said I can help you.

Are you willing to go to any lengths? Are you willing to end this affair in order to recover?

Are you willing to do anything? And I said, yes, I'm willing to do anything because I'm going to die. And so that's basically what happened. And I, I went to the steps and it still we, I don't want to take up too much. Well, I'll take up a little more time. We, we went through the first three steps really quickly

and which is OK, and I think it's OK for some people who are really clear on their alcoholism. But I wasn't, I really still thought that it was, you know, my drinking was circumstantial. Like I drank because of the people I dated. I drank because I didn't like my childhood. I drank because I didn't like the city I was in. I drank for all these other reasons. So I wasn't clear that I was an alcoholic and that I was actually drinking no matter what. So my mind was going to get me back to drinking no matter what. And then there was no human being that could keep me from drinking. I wasn't 100% convinced of that.

So I went through the steps and I, and I just have to say that once I was on the 12th step, my program fell apart because I didn't know how to help people get clear on their alcoholism in the first step because I wasn't that clear. And so I, that's why right now, just because of that experience, I'm so adamant about the first step. I feel like it is absolutely 100% the most important step in this program because nothing,

nothing could have changed for me. I don't believe I would have had a psychic change until I wasn't having a psychic change, Until I was clear

that without God, I am doomed. I will drink again, but there is no meeting I can go to. There's no person I can hang out with. There's no boyfriend I can date. There is nothing going to keep me from drinking except God. And I had to be smashed home. And I just. And that has been,

and that's not just because of the alcohol, it's also because when I'm not drinking, I'm so unhappy and so miserable

without God in my life. If I'm an agnostic, I am going to go back to drinking because I can't, I can't live with myself. So I that has that has been that first step when I got this new sponsor and I had that experience with the first step, that has been what has gotten me to do the work. There is nothing else. It's not like I'm a good student. I'm a good person.

It's only because I was so completely spiritually bankrupt

and I had no other solution. God was the last place I wanted to go for help. So I, I started having some really profound fearful experiences.

I, I saw the force that man, that was a that was a touch of butt kicker for me because it was the first time I could not blame anybody else for my problem. Nobody nothing like and that continues like luckily I have a sponsor today. You know, I called her, this was my last sponsor. I she was wow. She was like a bulldog, but

I would call her and I would complain about something.

It's so hard to clean my house, blah blah. And she and she would go, I'm sorry you have a house to clean and hang up. And that was the end of the conversation. I'm like, wow,

okay, And then I call her out and be like, you know, I don't feel like going to a meeting, Lola. Well, I'm sorry that somebody might die of alcoholism tonight because you're not willing to go out to a meeting. Click

like wow, damn. I was like no wiggle room in the program. And so the sponsor I have now, she's not quite like that, but it's pretty close and you know, it's and that's what I need. I've I've needed somebody to be really direct with me because I am selfish and dishonest and self-centered to the core. I mean, maybe some people are not as bad as me. I don't think that everyone in this room is, but I have needed someone to be so direct with me because I am constantly

sorry for myself when I'm constantly blaming other people. Like, I'd be so much happier if my husband did more dishes. It is so. I mean, the crap that goes on in my head all the time, it's like, wow, I haven't been saved from alcoholism and I'm worried about dishes. You've got to be kidding me. But that's my head. That is my thinking mind, you know, And that's why I need help,

you know. So basically what happened is I started having some really profound experiences in the four step, but I was told

that the four step is just the beginning. But that's when my mind started to really see where I was, not where I was blaming other people and I was not taking responsibility. My fifth step with Don, the guy in Colorado,

man, he was like, he's an elk hunter. So he was like, not somebody I would normally mix with. I'm a vegetarian. He's like, I'll shoot an elk and,

and, and he sat down and he listened to my fifth step and it took 12 hours

and he was sitting there. He's very casual. He's like all laid back. He's sort of like, you know, like a cowboy. He's like an elk hunting cowboy. And he's sitting at his dad. He's got his legs up and he's like eating a piece of pizza, pepperoni, sausage, like meat all over it. And he's eating a piece of pizza. And it was in my sex inventory. And I got to tell you that like my sex inventory, I, I have to share a little bit just because I don't think that people talk about sex, not sex

inventory enough in this program and sex ideals enough in this program, just because that's where so much of my selfishness was. And I was just using men so much. And it wasn't until I did my fist up like I had written it all down, but it didn't hit me until I read it over and over and over and over and over what I have been doing. Like you can just replace the name of the guy I was doing. I was having the same relationship over and over again. And I didn't realize that nothing was going to change until I changed. You know, I was constantly

for the right guy, you know, then it'll work. You know, my picker's broken or something like that. So, so he's sitting there and I just broke down and I broke down in the middle of my fifth step in the second inventory. And I said, I, I can't do, I can't do this because I can't imagine doing it any other way. Like this is what I do. Like I, this is who I am. I, I use men. I do, I don't care if they're married. I don't care if they're dating my best friend. I don't care.

I need, I need your attention. Like I've just had that from day one and and he's just sitting there watching his pizza and he's like, Yep, sounds like you need God,

like sobbing. I don't like God. And and so, you know, I, he shipped me off on a plane and I went home and I had a big long list of defects that I was asking God to remove. So I was told I don't work on this character detects it's up to God

and they get removed in the process of continuing to go through the steps and the next step was to go out and make a man. And so I started making my amends and I have to say that's one of the real changes happened. That is when my my obsession for alcohol was lifted. That is when I started to have a new attitude toward life. And as when so much of the I don't know, so much of the pain that was in my heart was was healed was when I made a man's because I saw

what I had done to people face to face. And, you know, and sometimes I was kicked out of the office, like they didn't want to hear from me. And sometimes there was like real healing face to face

and and then I had to get really active in my financial events. And I have for a while, I have been making my financial amends by calling my mother and asking her for money.

That's what I did. I'd always done that. I'm going to, you know, Mom, I need some money. I got to face with people and and

I had that new Bulldog sponsor, Annie, and she was like, what, what are you doing? You can't do that.

Like, oh shoot, I thought I was supposed to pay him back. Doesn't matter how I get the money.

And, and she said, no, you need to, you need to earn that money yourself. And I was like, no, I don't want to, I have a mom. So I, so I got a job. I started paying off my, my financial demands, you know, making $7.00 an hour. And I just had to be on a payment plan. You know, I was told you don't have to pay it all right up front. And don't wait around with money in your pocket until you have it all. So you can make like this big show. It's like you just pay it off piece by piece

and you're just getting current. And the one thing that motivated me was somebody said when you're making your financial amends, you are, you're buying back your soul. You're buying back your soul with every, you know, every dollar that you're giving back. And that motivated me. And they also said you don't have to give them your money,

you have to give them their money. And so every time, every time that I was spending money on myself, it was in the back of my mind, like, you know, my soul is on the line here. Do I want it to, you know, buy the shoes or get my soul back. So that really motivated me. And I had a,

I'll tell one finance limit I, I had

stole high stalls and stuff. I stole some stuff from H&M and from Walmart and, and I went and I, you know, I had some money in my pocket and I made the approach and they said we actually, no one's ever done this before. And I'm sure they have another state, you know, so there's some other alcoholic who approached Walmart, I'm sure. But they're like, no, we don't have the paperwork for this.

And I was like, what do you mean on the paperwork for this? Like I gotta give you my money. I have to, my soul's on the line and,

and we can't, we can't take your money. And so I called my sponsors like they don't want my money. Oh well. And, and they said you have to, you have to pray and meditate about it, but you, you can't keep that money. And so I, so I had to, I just kept the money with me. And I was, I was, I ended up going to this animal

rescue farm, like where they save abuse farm animals. And I was walking around and I saw this, this little, none of the animals are in pens. They're like all walking around with you. And so this little pot belly pigs are following me. And I was like, wow, I really like this place. And so I asked if I could donate some money and they said, yeah, you can end up, you can sponsor one of our pigs.

And I had just gone on a 12 step and it was. So I was like, that's amazing. So I ended up giving them the money and they sent me this photograph of

Rosie. He's a hot belly pig. And he said, you're the proud sponsor, Rosie Potbelly pig. I was. So I was like, Oh, my first blonde peas.

My, that's the kind of stuff that happened when I got on the night stuff. There were so many things that I could not explain any other way except that God was working in my life. Like absolutely. It was when I started to have an experience with God and I was pretty agnostic up until then. So I haven't made, I just had amazing experiences when I was on the ninth step.

Umm and 10:00 and 11:00 have been ongoing and it's where I have fallen short the most in my program. And I feel like there is also the Denwell idea or like people kind of let off and responses in 10 and 11. It's like, oh, you're good to go now. And I kind of like I was just sliding a little bit. And I was also,

things were going really well. Like my life was great. It was like, I was free. I was free. I was totally, I was getting free. And it was the best feeling I'd ever had. I had never experienced that before. And and so I was like, I don't need to do so much work like prayer meditations. Yeah, I'm good. I'll just pop it out in the car. I'm fine. And I really started

slipping. I really started slipping back and resentment started coming back and fear started coming back.

Umm, my behavior was a little questionable with men again, like it was, it was not good and I started managing things more and

you know, basically what happened, but not really bad. At one point I just got really, really bad and

I just, you know, I don't know, just don't do it. Like do 10:00 and 11:00 because it sucks when you don't. And one of the parts of 10, it says that we have to carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. And that was one of the areas I actually, I didn't understand it. I really thought for this whole time, I thought there was God's will for me and there's my will for me. I didn't know that they were the same.

I did not know. So I was constantly like, what God's will is it for me to take this job or that job, try to take this guy or that guy.

So I move here, I move there, What's God's will, what God's will? And I was constantly trying to figure it out. And then I ended up doing this exercise, but actually my husband sponsor had him do when I do it now and I pass it on because it was so effective for me. But it was how I got through the vision of God's will for me, which happens to be the same thing that's in my heart. It's the same thing. I just got to line it up, you know, because if it's not lined up, then I'm going towards selfishness again. And that's when things fall apart. But if it's lined up, I can exert my will as much as I

because it's like it's all the same thing. So I just did a lot of writing and I'd be happy to share what that was with anybody because it was so effective for me. And I brought, I brought that stuff, the vision of God's will, which is the same as mine, into my prior medication. So then I knew if I was falling short every day when I do my nightly review and I ask myself those questions, am I living the vision of God's will? Am I living what's in my heart today? Or am I going back towards selfishness and dishonesty? And that really that changed my program a lot.

And the 12 step, I also, I work with other Alcoholics and I had experience where I decided not to, I had a huge resentment toward the sponsor who hit on my, my husband and I was like, I'm not working with anybody ever again. And I did that for about a year. And, and that time I had moved here to Portland and I got really spiritually sick from not giving this away and having that resentment.

And it boiled down to resentment towards God because I had,