The Thursday night speakers meeting in Monroe, MI

Well, I guess we'll just hop right into it and get going with the meeting. The speaker of mine is a very dear friend. I love her to death. She's played a very big part of my sobriety and getting me so over keeping me sober, keeping me in check spiritually, mentally, emotionally. I at night she helps. But she is a very dear friend of mine. I love her daily and it's such an honor and privilege to ask her to speak here tonight. So I give you Eileen F from the Belleville Thursday Night group.

Hi everybody. I'm Eileen. I'm an alcoholic.

I don't think I was really nervous until everyone started asking me if I was really nervous. So I don't know. But as my dear friend Tim reminded me, I'm talking about two things that I love dearly, and it's myself and Alcoholics Anonymous, so I should be all right.

I'm supposed to tell you in a general way what it used to be like, what happened and what it's like now.

So I don't want to give you too much of A drunk a lot. But I do want to qualify myself. Start off by saying I absolutely love Alcoholics Anonymous. I cannot believe that I'm standing up here alive and sober. My last drink was November 24th, 2002 and my Home group is the Belleville Thursday Night Group, the best Home group in the world.

Justin can attest to that. I think I was supposed to say that, right?

So obviously I love Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm going to miss my Home group to be here to be with you guys tonight to to share

my story. I arrived to Alcoholics Anonymous at 17

and was pretty convinced that I didn't belong here. I was

the person that stood on the perimeters, especially at this group, stood in the back and didn't talk to anybody, didn't want anybody to talk to me. But at the same time, I wanted somebody to sell me on the idea of Alcoholics Anonymous. I wanted somebody to really throw me a pitch that I couldn't turn down in order to to be sober. And

you know, nobody really did that. But they did share their experience, strength and hope with me. They did want me to

reap the benefits of what they had as a result of staying sober and work in the 12 steps. I got here because like everybody else, I drank too much and too often. But I started drinking at 11 and I was probably 20 lbs at least underweight. I was pretty nerdy looking and

I started hanging out with these people who started drinking 6 packs on the weekends, you know, and our textbook talks about that. The alcoholic life seems the only normal one. And to me that seemed perfectly normal that 11 years old. We're going to start slamming 6 packs on a Friday and Saturday night. And I didn't know that really probably the only people that are doing that at 11 years old are probably in this room tonight or should be. But

I thought

thought it was normal. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. But I did know this, that once I started drinking and hanging out with those people and the people who drank and

lit stuff on fire, I mean, we were just ridiculous. But

I was, they thought I was really, really funny when I drank,

and they wanted me around. And I like that. I mean, you know, some people talk about once they started drinking, they immediately knew, you know, I had this great feeling. I don't know about all that, but I know that people like having me around because I told funny jokes and probably made a fool out of myself. So they wanted me to keep coming back eventually as I continued to drink that change. And no one wanted me around when I was drinking. But at that point in time, that's what I wanted.

By the time I was 15, I was pretty much a daily drinker. So lo and behold, that's the first time that I got in trouble with the law.

I

learned a couple of things from my first arrest, so I'll share a few stories about this one because Clay loves it. And

I was at a hotel party. Everyone was older than me, so I was the only one that was 15. And the cops came in and my friend Jr. said they can't touch you. You're only 15, don't worry about a thing. You know, as I said, on the couch drinking beers while the cops are in there, everybody's lining up for breathalyzers. And there's Eileen sitting there getting drunk. And

yeah,

it was awkward, but

so you never ending the kites like, well, why aren't you lining up? I'm like, I'm 15. I'm like, seriously. And he's like, oh, my God. I'm like, yeah, well, so I eventually get in line with everybody else. And I go by the phone and I call my sister and say, you know,

minor bump in the road, I'm getting arrested, I think, come pick me up at the jail. Well, for anyone who doesn't know this, you can't have a sister pick you up from the jail. If you're a minor and you get arrested, you need an adult. You need your parental guardian. So, you know, I tried to have her come pick me up. And they're like, that's not going to work. So as I'm standing in line, I asked the cop, you know, I heard that if you stick pennies in your mouth, you won't you won't blow dirt or whatever. And he's like, yeah. So he reaches in his pocket and hands me a handful of pennies and I'm

there in my mouth and I'm sitting there like

waiting to blow. And it didn't work. He he got a pretty good kick out of that one.

But I,

I thought this is a really cool cap, you know, whatever.

Yeah. So

I, the things that I learned from that arrest was I could drink a lot more than most of my friends and I blew one of the highest at, at, you know,

but alcohol, whatever at that party. And from that point on, most people knew who I was. And I went back to school and everybody knew who Eileen was. And my new nickname was MIP. And I thought that was so cool. You know, like, I'm like, yeah, everybody knows who I am because at that point, attention was attention. And I didn't care if it was good or bad. I just wanted more of it. And, you know, so people knew who I was. My friend Chris that was there

was doing drugs that night,

and he didn't get arrested because when he blew, he wasn't drunk. So the second thing that I picked up from that party was that I need to do a lot more of that and a lot less drinking. You know, I've tried out of respect for Alcoholics Anonymous to leave drugs out of my story, but I found that it's just not my story. So if I offend you, I apologize. And if you can't relate, just substitute it with alcohol. But for me, it didn't matter what it was. I was going to try anything to get a buzz, to feel different, to try to make my insights

my outsides, because I still felt like that 11 year old nerdy girl that was 20 lbs underway. But when I was at a party

and I was drunk and everyone thought I was cool and funny, you know, that's what I was striving for. So I the constant battle of trying to make my insides match my outside started when I started drinking. And

so again, it's just my story. You can take it or leave it. But from that point on, I fell. I fell in love with drugs

and started selling weed and thinking that I was cool. You know, I thought I was the toughest girl on the block because I was the only one that was doing that. And

lo and behold, at 17, I was arrested for doing just that.

It happened on my 17th birthday. The first day you're charged as an adult. Is it odd or is it God? It was probably God

and it was actually the nice and one of my sponsors first found out who I was at a dance.

Didn't know her then, of course, but I got arrested at the school dance and but again, attention was attention. So I was thrilled about that. I got a great lawyer because my parents enabled me like crazy and they got a really great lawyer and they gave me probation. They said if you can complete this probation,

it'll be wiped from your record. No one will ever know,

but the type of alcoholic that I am, I couldn't do it. You know, the big book talks about that. We forget the pain and suffering, and at that point I just wasn't hurting enough and I won. I wanted to not go to jail. I wanted to have a clean record. I wanted my parents to love me. I didn't want them to change the locks anymore. You know, I wanted them to still let me drive their cars when I was getting drunk. So I wanted to do the next right thing,

I just didn't know how. I didn't have the tools to do it

and at that point in my life I started changing

external things. And in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous window of opportunity on 4/23. I love the way this person puts it.

That as I look back on this period in my life, I realize how true it is that one of the primary differences between Alcoholics and non Alcoholics is that non Alcoholics change their behavior to meet their goals and Alcoholics change their goals to meet their behavior. And at that point in my life, it was my goal to become a high school guidance counselor.

Yeah, hard to believe what the lifestyle I was living, but that was my goal. That was what I wanted to do. I wanted to help young kids that were troubled, teens just like myself, but I didn't want to help myself.

But but that's what I wanted out of life. I wanted to do that. And instead, it became much more convenient to just not go to school and start drinking at 7:30 in the morning when my parents thought I was at school. And if I drank in a garage all day,

that became a little bit more fun. So change my behavior. I changed my goals to

I'll take care of that eventually. I'm sure eventually, once I get my stuff together, I'll go back to school and I'll be a high school guidance counselor and I'll do those things. I, I dropped off commitments that meant anything to me. I stopped playing all sports. I stopped doing anything that was worthwhile. I stopped going to school. I dropped out of school, went to rehab because I came home from school high one day and my mom said, what do you think about going to rehab? And at this point, the guy that I had been dating had already been shipped away,

you know, far, far away in a foreign land because that, you know, his parents thought that wouldn't fix him.

And I thought, well, that seems like a great idea because clearly the people that I hang out with are crazy. And, you know, if they didn't drink every day, I probably wouldn't drink every day. And if they wouldn't keep giving me money for dope, I probably wouldn't keep selling it.

So absolutely send me a way to rehab. And I went to rehab for 9 days and I manipulated everybody there and I ate lots of pizza and cottage cheese and that was about it. That was my extent every half. I didn't learn anything else. I, you know, I didn't really want to be there. But again, I wanted people off my back. I wanted people to see that it was everything else in the world and it had nothing to do with me and I wasn't the one that needed changing everybody.

And then if they would let me just, you know, run my own life, then clearly I would turn out just fine. And running my own life. Shortly after rehab, I was crazier than I've ever been in my whole life because I did not have a solution for alcoholism and I didn't drink anymore. So I just had me with this giant hole, this giant spiritual void with no solution for it, laying in bed every day wanting to die, thinking that I certainly did not need to go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous,

that I, I could be fine. They told me to change, you know, playmates and playgrounds or some crazy. I don't whatever. So I just didn't go anywhere. I just laid in bed all day wishing to die. And

if you're here tonight and you stop drinking and you haven't started working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, that's probably how you feel. Because that's how I felt. And I'm here to tell you there's a solution in the book and with the people here that have already worked the 12 steps that you don't have to feel like that anymore.

And I tell you every time I go to a meeting and there's somebody brand new and somebody says to them, you don't have to feel this way anymore,

That is jackpot. Because my whole life I didn't want to feel the way that I felt. You know, we drink for the effect produced by alcohol. The effect that alcohol produced for me at first was a lot of attention. I really like that. Then it produced other problems in my life,

changing my behavior, changing my goals.

Nobody wanted me around. After a while I was the drunk at the party that was probably chasing me with the two by four because I got mean and nasty and

yeah, I really did, you know? And it's like, I didn't think that there was anything wrong with that. So my last

run in with alcohol was after rehab. I decided that I could probably try some control drinking, and I started coming to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and not really paying attention,

not doing any of the suggestions, but sort of, kind of, you know, nodding my head. Oh, yeah, that's great. Yeah. And

I didn't. I didn't have a solution. I didn't have,

as it talks about on page 24,

we are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering, suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We were without defense against the first drink and it talks about later on that that defense must come from a higher power. I had no higher power, so I had no defense. And when the idea of picking up a drink came into my head, I just drank. And my last arrest I had about 5 charges against me. I decided to assault the police officer that was arresting me. I was probably 90 lbs soaking wet.

Um, you know, it was just a mess. And I was already on probation there was already worn out for my arrest. So I decided I'm just not going to go home ever again, and I'm just going to go to jail and I'm just not going to tell my parents. And then I'll get out of jail and then

everything will be fine. Because then, you see, I'll want to change my life.

And

it didn't happen. My parents, thank God to the Mineral Evening News, found out that I was arrested and, you know, started trying calling my friends and trying to figure out where I was. And, you know, eventually came home and they yet again, they got that lawyer for me. And when I got there, she said, do you think you have a problem with alcohol? And I said, absolutely. I, I know that for a fact,

started attending meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous after that point

and you know, tried the controlled drinking, tried to do everything other than work the 12 steps with a sponsor.

None of those things worked for me. So I got drunk again. I went, my last drunk was again November 24th, 2002. I went to my bosses house trying to impress him. Anybody who's ever talked to me before has probably heard this story a million times. But, you know, it's, it's my story. And I

really thought that he was gonna be impressed by me. And, you know, I'm like, no, really, I'm just gonna have a couple of beers, Don't worry about it. And I drank all the liquor in his house.

I started with those couple of beers. Then I would hear people in Alcoholics Anonymous say if you don't pick up the first drink, you won't get drunk. And I always thought that's so asinine. Like, what are you talking about? Yes, if I don't drink, I'm not gonna get drunk. But what are you talking about? Doesn't make any sense. Well, it did that night because I picked up that first beer

and I don't remember much after that.

I remember after the second, no couple of beers, a fifth and a pint. I remember his neighbors did drugs and I really wanted to go over there and get some drugs from them. And I remember the look on his face.

He wasn't impressed,

so I couldn't call off work the next day. Long story short, because he was my boss, he knew I wasn't sick. You know, I just drank too much the night before.

So I went to work and all of those

things that people and Alcoholics and told me started making sense to me, like the don't pick up the first drink and you won't get drunk. And I started to really think,

Oh my God, I absolutely have this thing. They're not lying to me anymore. I had the shakes the next day and I was thinking about how they were talking about it was progressive. I'd never had the shakes before. So being the desperate drunk that I was, that was on a Sunday. I didn't go to a meeting until a Wednesday.

I'm egotistical idiot and I didn't want to go.

So I went to a meeting and I sat down and they started talking about relapse. They started talking about how to avoid a relapse.

I thought they're following me around.

These people are so crazy.

How did they know? And, you know, I thought I was really feeling to get guys in on a big secret when I said I drank again, they're like, we know, you know, like you've been drunk. I'm like, what?

How'd you know that?

And so this fine woman looked at me and she said,

well,

you're going to die. That's the bottom line. If you're a real alcoholic, you're going to drink yourself to death. And you keep playing Russian roulette and you keep thinking that you're going to beat this game alone.

That's fine. But I'll go to your funeral because I'm going to stay sober because I have a sponsor and a Home group, and I work the 12 steps and I stay involved in Alcoholics Anonymous. So if you want what we have, you better do what we do because you're going to die. And after I swore at her for about 10 minutes, in my head, I thought she might be right. So

a couple days later I asked her to be my sponsor and we started our journey in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I became

willing to go to any length to stay sober after my last drunk

I I knew that she wasn't lying to me anymore. I knew the people here weren't lying to me about I was going to die from this disease. I knew that every day I woke up wanting to die. I did not think that there was a solution here to make me feel any better than I did, let alone as good as I feel today. And

her and I started working through the 12 steps. She told me on Friday when I asked her to be my sponsor, she would well, you know, do you have a big book? And I'm like, Oh yeah, I haven't read it, you know? And she said, well, start reading it, We're going to go through the book together. And I called her on Saturday and I said I read the 1st 164 pages. What next? She's like,

what? You know, she's like, you read the whole big book and I'm like, yeah, I don't want to die. I don't know what else to do, but I don't want to die. And she's like, okay, well,

we'll start working the steps together. And I said the third step prayer that night. I

because up until that point I had no God in my life. I had no higher power. I had no understanding of a God. I didn't grow up with that. But when I read the book and I had a willingness to go to any length and I knew that I was beaten into a state of reasonableness by alcoholism. I knew that if I drank again, I was going to die. When it told me on page 46, if I can find it, that much to our relief, we did not need to consider another's conception of God, our own conception, however inadequate.

Was sufficient to make the approach and to affect a contact with him

and as soon as we admitted the possible existence of our creative intelligence

we

I wasn't going to read the whole thing but I guess well possible of a creative intelligence the spirit of the universe understanding the totality of all things. We began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction provided we took other simple steps and that we found that God does not make too hard a terms of those who seek him. And when I read that, I said I don't have much of an understanding or a conception of God. But my own conception, however inadequate, was enough to make a beginning. And I knew that there was a God and I wasn't it. And I really, really

wanted to feel better. So I just took that and I held on to it. And I launched into my journey of the 12 steps. And as I continued with each step, my understanding of Him changed. My relationship with Him changed. I have the same God today as I had when I first read We Agnostics, but my understanding of Him is a whole lot different. My relationship with Him is a whole lot more intimate today than I ever knew was possible,

so my own conception, however limited it was, took me into step three and I begged and begged and begged. I was a weeks over for God to

relieve the obsession of drink because I still thought about it every day. You know, if my problem was just the fact that I had an allergy to alcohol and that every time I went to drink like a lady, I got drunk like an idiot, you know, it'd probably be just pretty easy to just stop drinking. But my problem was that when I wasn't drinking like an idiot, I was thinking about drinking like a lady.

It never really happened like that, but I was always thinking about it and that obsession ran my life

and I couldn't get rid of that obsession. And so that night I begged God to really meet the bondage itself and to relieve me of the obsession to drink. I didn't understand what the bondage itself was because yet again I tried to get Alcoholics Anonymous by I don't know if anybody caught that by just reading the book in my room alone without any help and then calling my sponsor, which isn't really the way to go about things.

I found out later.

But I started on that and I begged and begged and he did. He came through in Bills story. It's one of my favorite points

she talks about that he had a humble willingness to have him with me and he came and every single time that I have a humble willingness to have my higher power with me, he comes through every single time. And he came through that day and I haven't obsessed about drinking since.

And that's a miracle.

I

didn't even realize it until the next day when I was at a meeting and I sat down and I was like, Oh my God, I haven't thought about drinking today. Can you guys believe it? And they're like, yes, you know, like we told you that this stuff really does work. And so I asked my sponsor to help me launch into a vigorous course of action and I started my inventory and

I'm so grateful for the four step today. You know, when I first got to it, I would always, I'd sit down at tables and there would be some people that, you know,

for a step, you're like 3 weeks over, what are you doing? And I was like, I don't know, but I don't want to drink. And when somebody told me if you don't do a fourth, you're sure to drink a fifth, I was like, yeah, let's get started on this fourth step. Because I knew that every time I just came to meetings and just sat there and nodded and smiled and oh, great, yeah, that's wonderful. I drank and I didn't want to drink again. So I started on a four step. I've done several since

and each time that I've done a four step,

I've

found out that I'm unraveling a new phase of my development and I learn more about myself. I learn more about why did I do the things that I do?

Why did I have the same broken relationships in my life, just with different people, You know, the same exact situation. It's just a different name and a face. My whole life, you know, whether I was trying to play the victim or trying to be the bully, it didn't matter. It was all the same. Underlying issues is that I didn't feel good enough about me

and I wanted you to not feel good about you. And

since doing the first couple that I did,

I was just so grateful not to be drunk. And that's the underlying issue is that I don't want to drink again. And everything that I do always results back to I don't want to pick up a drink today. But as I've gone through and I've learned more, I mean, I just recently did a four step because I've had some significant changes in my life and I learned so much each time. And I can't even tell you the gratitude that I have for that because I don't want to live my life

sober. And Alcoholics Anonymous acting like a drunk because I did that. I tried to do that and it doesn't work. It's not a right fit for me and it's not a right fit for most Alcoholics. But I had to try it and feel the pain in order. I want it before I wanted to change and

when I did a fist up with a sponsor that I have now who I believe is my God chosen sponsor,

it, it was a miraculous feeling. Immediately after I did my fist up, I, she was the first person that I heard, probably not the first person to say it, but the first person that I actually heard talk about me not being any different than anybody else in Alcoholics Anonymous because I was pretty convinced that I was. I got hurt about a year and a half sober. I still thought it was pretty different than everybody else here

because

I'm 18. Come on. I'm so different than everybody else. You know, I just, I was always hanging on to something just to be different. Just like I could say, well, you don't really know how it feels to be me. You don't really know how it feels when I lay in bed at night and I'm miserable. And you never will. So don't try to act like you know, And I kept keep trying to keep people arms length away from me. And

she just lovingly but very sternly. It was just like,

no, Hon, you're not any different than anybody else here. Welcome to the human race. You're an alcoholic. This is it. This is what we do. So I had a choice at that point. We stand at the turning point. I can go on with my life keeping everybody in arm lengths away from me, or I can try to move forward with close relationships. And my friend Jim and Flat Rock talks about that. If I try to keep people out of my life and I try to close off those feelings of hurt that because if I let you in, you just might hurt me. You might not like me. You might think so. My jokes are really, really stupid.

Not laugh ever. That's a cool. It's a good possibility. And then I won't, you know, then I'll be hurt by that. But if I keep that out, then I don't get any of the good either. It's a light switch. I don't get to pick and choose. And he always uses that analogy that it's like a light switch. It's either on or off. I either feel feelings or I don't. And today, feeling the feelings is so much better than not feeling the feelings.

So when I did that fifth step

with my sponsor who is here in spirit,

umm, and

pocketed my pride and went to it, the 5th step promises that says once have taken a step withholding nothing. We're delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but we now begin to have a spiritual experience.

The feeling of the drink problem has disappeared, will often come strongly. We feel we are on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. And I, I felt that way.

Umm, Johnny talks about feeling like it's a fatty. I'm feeling high, right? Lynn, you feel this overwhelming

absence of guilt. You know, I'm getting rid of all the stuff that's blocked me from God. And when I let go of that, spirit of the universe flows in. And that might sound hocus pocus to a lot of you here 'cause it sounded really freaking hocus pocus to me. For a lot of years, I was not interested in hearing any of this stuff,

but it makes sense today because I feel it.

And so if you just keep coming back and you just keep doing what your sponsor suggested you to do, even if it sounds really, really crazy, even it seems like the dumbest thing you've ever heard of, there's usually a reason behind it because they've been there and they've tried it and these things happen. I mean, when my, and this is in regards to when I tried to do a fist up and hold something back from my sponsor, I didn't reap any of these promises. And that's usually how I know that there's something else there that I need to let out.

And when I try to do that and

not tell my sponsor that I was stealing from a co-worker to your sober,

I didn't feel the nearness of my creator at all. And I felt really, really horrible about myself. And I kept trying to deny it because I thought it has nothing to do with it money, Of course it doesn't. So I just won't tell anybody about it because I know I'm not supposed to do it anyway. So. And lucky for me, I didn't drink, but I felt really, really miserable and I was resting on my laurels

and

and until I let that out,

I knew I wasn't going to be happy. And I was the type of drunk that said just deny it till you die. I don't tell anybody anything. You know, it's me against the world, whatever, whatever. And

I couldn't, I couldn't live in this world like that.

Umm, the 12 and 12 talks about the 12 steps

make us happy and usefully whole. And until I had wholeheartedly did the 12 steps, I couldn't be happy and usefully whole. And I always still felt a void in there. And

you know, I'm happy to say that today I'm brutally honest with my sponsor. I'm brutally honest with people in my life. You know, I can call Jennifer and say hi. Steel really hurt and really vulnerable right now and this is what's going on and throw it up at her and just be honest about it instead of not talking about it and then letting allowing myself to still feel terminally unique from everybody else here. If I just let it out,

then God has a way in. But I got to let it out first. So

each inventory that I've done has just been absolutely incredible. And as I've continued on, when I honestly admit it and see the exact nature of my wrongs with the sponsor, I'm pretty willing to move forward with six and seven. I'm pretty willing to have God remove all these defects of care. I'm staying in that point of humility and that point of willingness

is the struggle for an alcoholic because on a daily basis I can, if I'm not spiritually fit, forget again. Because it's not just in regards to drinking. I forget what it feels like to lie to my sponsor,

and anybody who's lied to their sponsor and felt guilty about it knows what that's like. Because I know I did. I hated lying to my sponsor. I hated the way I felt about it. Once I came clean, I felt so much better. But if I didn't keep being honest with my sponsor, and if I didn't stay spiritually fit, it might sound like a good idea to lie to her again and wonder if I can deal with the repercussions of lying to people and not letting people into my life. And today I can't.

I continued on with doing

amends. I've had some amends go really well. I've had some amends go pretty poorly, but at the end of the day, my side of the street was cleaned up and I was able to have relationships with people again. The 12 and 12 goes through making and doing another inventory in our 8th step of all the relationships that we've had in our life. And again, trying to figure out where did I go wrong and what can I do better as I have a relationships in the future

and

my relationships today mean the absolute world to me. I have some of the best friends in the whole world is absolutely unbelievable. I've met pretty much every single one of them here in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I I have a relationship with my family that's absolutely incredible. I was the drunk that beat my mom and call the cops in her for domestic violence. I was the drunk that stole thousands and thousands of dollars from my parents in order to get drugs and alcohol.

Today they don't want me to leave their house when I come over.

That didn't happen before work in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know I have. I knew it was going to happen. So if you don't like watching people cry, I'm sorry.

I apologize. I'll probably admit it. I

I have a niece and nephew in my life today that have never seen me drunk and I remember I wish Andy was here because I remember calling him the day that my sister had her baby and just screaming into the phone. I'm in Ant I'm an Ant. Oh my God I can't believe it. That little boy has taught me so much about love.

I did not know

anything about unconditional love until I came here, until I started receiving it from you people and then watching this boy at my house be an absolute terror all day. Want to play with everything you shouldn't be playing with? You know, just

and then not sleeping at night because I would just watch him lay in bed and sleep

and that feeling of overwhelming. I could not love this fit any more than I do. You know, I didn't have that. I didn't love anybody. I didn't love myself. I didn't love you. I hated the world when I got here and the fact that I can sit there and watch a tour and he was two at the time. And I just remember

it was like 2:00 in the morning. I just, I didn't sleep. I just sat there all night and watched him and was like, she's so perfect. And he's so wonderful. And then I was like, you know, in my head, you know, my disease is like, are you kidding me? He just ran through everything in your house. Like literally he's playing with, you know, and it was just like he was so it was so incredible

in my higher power talks to me and I, you know, some people again, the Hocus Pocus stuff, the ice. I used to think people were crazy when they said God said to me, I'm like, what are you talking about? But God does talk to me. And he, I was watching him and I was like, wow, you know, this isn't even my kid. And I just didn't just head over heels, just

loving on this boy. And

he wasn't even my kid. And I thought, well, I can't imagine how much my parents love me, that they would watch me do all the things that I did to them, hurt them and all the ways that I hurt them, yell and scream at them to just stay out of my life. You don't understand me.

Leave me alone. I'm absolutely fine. Everything's perfect here, can't you see? And that the fact that they still loved me through all of it. They didn't like me a whole lot, but they loved me. And my higher powers spoke to me at that point and made me realize that I will never understand how much He loves me.

I didn't have her even want to think about how much God loves me. OK, didn't ever want to think about that. In that moment, I was so overwhelmed and I hit my knees and I prayed for hours that I wanted to stay in that position of just being so humble. That I all I wanted was for my higher power to wrap His arms around me and keep me protected as I stayed sober and walked through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And he has ever since. And he did before that. I just didn't understand it until that point.

So the fact that, you know, and these two kids have taught me so much about love that I didn't, I didn't think that was possible. And they've never seen me drunk. And my sisters leave me with them. You know, they want me to watch their kids. And they didn't leave me with a pair of shoes before I got sober because I was going to steal them. You know,

it's incredible. And when people told me when I first got sober, make a list of all the things that you could ever want out of Alcoholics Anonymous, that would have never made my list. That would have never made it.

I just didn't want to get drunk and go to jail anymore. That was my list. Please have my parents leave me alone. I don't want to go to jail again. I don't want to report on Tuesdays anymore. Oh, my God, You know, like, that's what I wanted out of Alcoholics Anonymous. Nothing else. I had no idea

that it could ever be this good.

And 10/11/12, I've continued, continue, continue.

You know, the book talks about where, you know, we Alcoholics are undisciplined. That's such an understatement. And,

you know, I have to let God discipline me in the way that's outlined in the text. And when I've tried in my life to not do that,

it's usually when I'm lying to my sponsor. It's usually when I have to go back and do another inventory and clean out all this stuff and eat a big bite of humble pie. And I had to do that recently. You know, my sponsor had advised me not to make a decision that I made anyway. And I thought, you don't understand

this. This is a really good decision. Like it's going to be great. It's going to be bliss. You know, I decided I wanted to play house and she told me not to do it. And I did it anyway. And it blew up in my face. And when I went back to her and said,

you were right, Oh, my God,

she just sat there and cried with me. She didn't say, I know, you know, she might have thought it, but she didn't say it. You know, I've been on the other side of that. When a sponsor comes to you after they do something you tell them not to do. And then you're like, but she has, you know, she's been sober long enough and Alcoholics Anonymous and has enough humility that she just sat there and cried with me and said, it's going to be OK if you don't pick up a drink. It's going to be OK

and I forget I get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

Did I forget that everything is going to be OK if I don't pick up a drink?

You know, whatever. I can't just look at Jennifer. No, I'm about to cry again.