The Northern Plains Group in Fargo, ND 2005

Tonight our main speaker is a guy that is a pretty interesting drunk. He's not like the selling crack and pimping holes drunk, but he is the

when he first came in, his hair was a different color every time I saw him. He his higher power was Jim Morrison.

He he wore spike dog collars and he was bound and determined to start an A a poetry group.

And

he also

he wanted to do that in in a towel and and screaming the doors lyrics at the top of his lungs and but we're happy to have him. So Steve, come on up

everyone. Steve Wells, alcoholic

It's over today by the grace of God. Alcoholics Anonymous since October 29th of 2000.

Do you like my hair is standing? I want to thank Dave for asking me to speak

a yes, Jim Morrison was my higher power for a long time. I used to I used to think I was like Jim Morrison. I was, I was I was I was the Incarnate of Jim Morrison and everything. I was smoking dope. I was smoking the bud with my sister in the bed. My sister Sherry, Where she.

Yeah. So we were in the bathroom at my sister's house getting high and I was looking in the mirror. You know, when I did, I do deep soul searching in the mirror, you know, and

you know,

I wrote a poem about it one time. It's it's called Realm of the insane, actually. And, and so I'm looking in the mirror and and and and and it, I had one of those moments. I was like, I'm I'm Jim Morrison.

I am, I am Jim Morrison. And Sherry looks up at me and she goes,

huh,

never mind, never mind. I've always been misunderstood

since I was young. I guess I'm going to share in a general way what I was like, what happened, what I'm like now. I was born in a family and

it was, it was kind of like the the dysfunctional Brady Bunch on the res kind of family

because I got I got Indian sisters, Indian brother, white brother, white sisters, black nephew. I mean, I mean, it's, it's all thrown in. You know what I mean? It just create. I mean half sisters, adopted sisters, adopted brother adopted, owed adopted in adopted. I mean, it's nuts. And we didn't have a lot of money. You know, I, I didn't,

when we would, when I came, when I came into a, a, a speaker would get up to the podium and, and they'd say something like,

well, when I grew up, I had everything I wanted and everything I needed. And automatically, you don't know anything about me anything. And because you know, I'm, I'm grew up on welfare, you know, and I grew up in the trailer quarter. I, I did this and no matter what it was, I was always different. It didn't, it didn't matter. I came in and I hated you guys hated you guys. And the reason I, I used to wear that, that choker chain, I used to wear it on my wrist because I knew that you guys like to shake hands. And I like you guys because I didn't think any, any, I didn't think that you guys had ever felt the pain that I had felt.

You guys had ever known, known the anguish that I, that I was going through every day. And I'm kind of melodramatic, but that's true. And, and I woke up and I suffered. It seemed like I'd wake up sober and I'd suffer and I'd come to this meeting and everybody's smiling and everybody's happy. And, you know, everyone's glad to see each other and everybody knows everybody. And I can't get into the circle and, and say anything and be accepted. And, and, and so I stand out to you because there's no point in trying. And so I hated you guys so bad because, you know,

contempt prior to investigation or whatever. So. So when you shake my hand, I'd try and poke you. You know

who's the speaker? Smooth,

there's no water of it. I get I get dry. Thanks Will. Thanks Will. I know. There we go. OK, so anyways, anyways,

nervous tonight. I've been, I've been thinking about it all day long. Dave asked me yesterday when I want to thank him for asked me yesterday, because the kind of week I've had just would have killed myself about about four days ago. I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been kind of funky lately. You know, I think I've been kind of kind of at this point, I went through this thing.

I went through this thing where,

where, where yes, I went through this thing where, where I thought that that I keep me sober. Actually, I had a, I was talking with Tony about it a couple weeks ago at, at the Village Inn and, and it really got me thinking,

but I've been going through, I was going through this thing where I thought that I keep me sober because of all the actions that I take, you know, in Alcoholics Anonymous. And, and that's, you know, partially true. You know, I am sore because of, because of actions of Alcoholics Anonymous. But but it became me, you know, and, and no credit to God, you know, you can pretty much take God down and, and, and, you know, throw him in the trash.

You know, I keep me sober. And I remember I drove up to Bemidji a couple weeks ago and I had a talk with God.

Like he was sitting right next to me and I was talking to him. And I was just, you know, just dumping stuff out and about that and my theories and everything. And, you know, and I guess I found out who keeps me sober. You know, the last, the week that I've had, you know, 'cause it, it seems like when things are going really good, I think that it's all me. You know what I mean? It, it's, it's all me. I do everything. My life is so wonderful because I manage so well,

you know, and, but I feel remember like at 2 years of sobriety, I wanted to die. I wanted to drink, I wanted to die. I'd lay awake at night and I'd think about it over and over and over again. One night I'd be in about 15 minutes span, I'd be out in a field drinking by myself. About 15 minutes after thinking about that, I'd be in a bar and I'd, and it'd be different this time, you know, in my obsession just had me, it, it, it had me every night. And I wouldn't tell anybody about it, you know, because you can't tell. But I've been sober for over a year. I can't say I'm not supposed to feel like this,

you know, fear. Fear told me that I dare not, you know, I dare not walk that way. I dare not tell people. And my pride told me, told me that I don't have to. And

I wasn't, I was breaking, I was breaking commitments with the guys that I sponsored on a regular basis. There was this girl that I worked with who I had formed very unhealthy relationships with, who I broke amends with my guys to go see. I, I, I wouldn't take phone calls. I, I isolated a lot. Who kept me sober then was my actions. Cheers. How they didn't keep me sober then, you know, I was not doing the things to keep me sober. And,

you know, and so I got to remember that. I got to remember that, that, that

I know that I can't keep me sober. I've tried, I've tried to say sober and umm, I don't make it too well. I make it for maybe about 5 days, you know, maybe a week if I'm lucky, doing it, you know, on my own with no meetings or no nothing. ANYWAYS,

I was born and stuff. I, I, we, we moved around a lot. I, I actually, my, my using started. I, I didn't, I didn't drink a whole lot. I started, I started with the smoking the bud and, and, and I, I did that for, for a while, my first, my first drunk, my first, my first really good drunk. So I drinking a couple times when my first good one obsession of mind, phenomena of craving, you know, perfect example of it. My grandma had passed away a few months before that. I was close to my

and I was anybody in my entire life. And

my mom was going out of town for the weekend and and I had sworn on my grandmother's grave that I wasn't going to drink, right. I'm not going to drink this weekend or no, I said I'm not going to get drunk. That's why I said I'm not going to get drunk. It will play on words. And so, so I stole some Robitussin and

did that. Came down and figured I could have a Colt 45 Pounder, you know, because I'm not going to get drunk, you know, I'm just going to have one and I'm not going to get drunk. And then after that one, I didn't feel anything. So I figured I'd have a shot of Windsor

and didn't feel nothing. So then I figured, well, I'll have some Windsor coke, you know? And then I figure I'll have a straight glass of Windsor Windsor and through a through a straw and slam it and, and to make a long story. So I puked all over the place, poured bleach on it, and my mom found out

she knew it wasn't the dog that puked and tried telling her that and didn't work.

But, but, but I loved it, you know, I, I loved that. So, so I was in a blackout for three days, you know, 'cause I woke up the next morning and my older sister wouldn't give me a cigarette unless I slammed it, unless I slammed a drink. And I smoked like a madman. I've been smoking like a madman since I was nine. And, and it's so about about an hour later, I'm in another blackout, you know, saying things that they don't even say in pornos and.

The, the true self comes out, you know, and I didn't care. You know, I thought it was, I thought it was kind of funny the next day or whatever. And anyways that that was, I didn't, I didn't drink again after that for a while. I, I continued to, you know, do the outside issues and I did just about anything. You put you, you, you got in front of me. I went through the medicine cabinet, took about 3 of everything trying to, trying to get messed up, took some, some of Sherry's kidney medicine that dyes your pee orange and thought I was dying. I didn't care.

And anyway, so, but, but I got into this point because I didn't, I didn't like start off my using like, like feeling like, oh man, I have arrived and everything. This is a great and wonderful. Like I said, I sort of, you know, getting high and I, I was getting high by myself in my room with no, we had moved out into this, this little Hick town where I had no friends and I wouldn't talk to anybody. And I was going through, you know, emotional stuff. My grandma just died and everything. And, and, and that's all I did was get high every day. And, and I got to the point though, where I was just, I'd wake up and, and, and pot,

you know, as always, always, you know, if I just felt tormented, I started writing poetry and I

was suicidal, you know, a lot. I thought about, I thought about that a lot. And, and I just, I, I couldn't take everything, you know, I really didn't have a lot going on in my life, but I couldn't take it as overwhelmed, you know, and, and So what happened was my mom and dad, they, they'd always kind of like, like broken up and gotten together and broken up, gotten together and, and stuff and, and, and they were together and then he moved out. And so I went with them, you know, here's my ticket out of here because this is the plate. It's, it's the place, you know what I mean? So I moved to this other place and I picked up drinking hardcore and

I didn't. I didn't drink for a really long time,

but I went. I went down real quick.

I always get messed up on time. Oh sweet. And anyways, at 17 years old I was sleeping in a window. Well, because I really had nothing, nothing else really going on. I, I drank black velvet a lot.

It's it's I just thought it's my, my brothers birthday today. He's he's 32. He's he's pretty old.

That's true. I didn't think he's going to make it to that, but I'm glad for that. He took me to my first meeting when I was 16. I would, prior to going to my first meeting, I, me and Sherry were in the bathroom at the hotel.

Yeah, Mountain Dew can in hand, you know,

and the holes in it and everything. So I go to my first meeting, emblem gone. I don't remember anything except for there's this girl who has who immediately became my girlfriend like 10 minutes after that. And I was gonna move to Wisconsin and all this stuff. And I figured, I figured you had to be an alcoholic. They had an alcoholic and she'd gotten her year cake. So I was like, yeah, sure, I'm an alcoholic, whatever. And and we get back to the hotel, My my brother comes up and he's like, you need to read this page right here. And it's page 69 in the big book. And I remember reading it and think, what the hell did that mean? You know, what was what was that? And

I didn't really take it too seriously. About a month came and and I didn't get a sponsor and I didn't talk at meetings. I barely went to meetings. I barely did anything. A month came and I was like pounded by emotions. Take a message, please.

I was just pounded by emotions and I freaked out on this girl. It was, it was like I was drunk. She she wouldn't hold my hand at the clubhouse because I was a new guy and she wasn't supposed to date new guys, right? And so I had this can of orange soda. I picked it at the walls and it sprayed all over the white cream smoke colored walls in the clubhouse and the Eleanor club. And I went off and I had this camera where I'd taken all these pictures and I was like screw you, screw you.

I started punching this tree and stuff and I started bawling and they came around and they picked me up and I jumped in the car and I like reached over and I wanted to cry on her shoulder and she wouldn't let me. My mom was sitting next to me. So I reached her. I started trying to my moms shoulder

and they're like, well, you guys need to go talk this out right? And I was I was bad He so so they dropped me off at her house and she wouldn't let me in. So I stood outside for about an hour, hour and a half, screaming, yelling, just saying the most terrible thing. You know, things that went into Inforno and

bad, bad things outside her house. And then I was emotionally exhausted, so I walked over to this sign and I smashed it and I fell over in the snow bank. And then my brother picked me up and we went to a library. And that was a that was a good time. Anyways, that was my first time in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Not not not a lot happened, but there, but it didn't even dawn on me. You know, it didn't mean dawn on me when it got really bad towards towards the end where where I was scared of my shadow, where where you know, life had just where the book talks about it perfectly when it says awakening when we awaken to face the hideous 4 horsemen terribly will admit frustration and despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand. I read that and I understood and,

and it it hit me because I, you know, I, I related to it. I was before I read that I was just about to kill myself at, you know, eight months sober, whatever. And

and towards the end, that's where I was, you know, I woke up and that's how I felt. You know, I felt desperate. I just felt so desperate for something. There's actually a doors tune. It goes now. Now I'm so alone, just looking for a home in every face I see. And that's how I felt. So I walked down the street and I look at people and I had nobody, you know what I mean? Like I just, I felt like I had absolutely nobody in the world at all. And I looked on it and I just, I was so lonely and.

And So what happened,

what happened was my last drunk, by the way, I, I was like a binge blackout drinker. I I Kent came out of blackouts in some in some weird places, doing some weird things. I came out one time. I was I was in the middle of a highway holding a dead deer in my lap, covered in blood and

convinced that my brother had stolen my bottle, black velvet and I freaked out. Came to when I was losing my virginity. That was, that was interesting.

You, you know, a lot, a lot of weird things, but that's how I how I drank like all the time and it was it was a daily thing towards the end. And what happened was I was, I was drinking Jim Beam. That was like when I was when I was living, you know, with, with class, when I was drinking with class, I was drinking Jim Beam because it was usually black velvet or, or, or silver wolf or, you know, whatever. And

my my sister had made me mad because she pushed me out of this wheelchair where I was convinced that I was a cripple and

and she pushed me out. And so I crawled after and I threw her on the ground.

That parts funny it is, but but I did something. There were like two big things that I told myself I'd never do in it. And I did one of them that night and.

Threw my sister down the ground and I started punching her in the back of the head, you know, and I heard a speaker talk about about having that moment where you kind of where you kind of come out of yourself and you see yourself for what you really are. And that happened, you know, and I just, I, I felt like a monster, you know, I had felt like a monster for a long time. You know, that was nothing new, but I like, really felt bad and, and I had to wake up and, and Paul talks about this. I had to wake up and look at that thing in the mirror,

you know, and I couldn't face that thing. I went to treatment two days later. I was already assigned to go, you know, when I quit my job three weeks before that so I could drink every day and everything and, and I had two days left, you know, and those were going to be the two days because on a weekend I was supposed on a Monday and a two days left and I didn't use anything. You know, I was sober by myself in in my efficiency apt, a crazy, crazy man. I stayed awake all night long,

all night long and and and and I just, I went and, you know, pretty much insane by myself and I went into treatment. My sister brought me to treatment and,

and, and they, they said that I look like I wanted to kill people. And when I got there. And so I remember thinking that it wasn't OK to feel the way I did when I was sober. You know, it wasn't OK to, to, you know, be that insane when you're sober. So, so I told him that I was coming down off meth. And so, and, and I carried that lie, you know, for about a year into sobriety. So my, my actual sobriety is October 27th, not October 29th, 2000. So I've been lying about my sobriety date for a long time.

It's actually be before but it never mind. And so anyways, anyways, I got sober and and like I said, I hated you people. I hated you people a lot. I talked a lot of smack about everybody here. I'm sorry,

I I you big time

Kelvin shush me one time and gave me the eye. You know, the, the, the kelp,

you know

he's come. The Sheriff Daniels,

me and my my 110th measure friends that hung out in the back row, Wheezy used to sit here and talk about everybody and everything and you know, yes, suck and you know, but a bunch of cults and you know, Nazi nice is like, and that was me when I when I got here. And, but but what happened was at 8 months sober without, without getting a sponsor, without going to meetings, without trying to, you know, recover from my alcoholism. Nothing had changed. I was staying on my sister's couch, stealing money from her, stealing money from my, from my nephews to buy cigarettes, hanging out with people that were tripping on Coricidin,

you know, doing

bad things with a bad people. I went to jail. I lived with a, where I stayed with a drug dealer for a little while. And, you know, and, and that was my sobriety and, and nothing had changed. The only thing that changed was was that I felt worse. You know, I didn't think that was possible. I got sober and I thought that everything was supposed to get good, you know, and I come to this meeting and that's what I thought. I thought I'm going to get sober and things are going to get good. Because look at the people around, you know, not thinking about, about the process, not thinking about the process that they had to take to get there. I'm just thinking, well, they sober up in their lives, got good. What's wrong with me?

I'm misunderstood again. You know, I don't understand myself. And so at 8 months sober, I wanted to die.

And I was on my sister's couch, my older sister and in North Fargo and, and this was it. This time it was for real, you know, cuz I had called my mom at like 3:00 the morning drunk and I'm going to pass out on the railroad tracks. You know, it's all your fault. And I'd hang up the phone and but this time I was for real. I packed up all my stuff and people were used to me staying at their place and then just leaving and so packed up all my stuff and I was going to go. I was going to go stare down a train and.

I was, I was set on doing it and, and the big my, my big book was sitting there and has a sick mockery of Alcoholics Anonymous because I've been trying it for the last eight months, going to a meeting when I needed it. And it didn't work for me.

So as a sick mockery of alcoholic synonyms, I was thinking, yeah, let's see if they got anything to offer me. Because I know, I knew. I knew for an absolute fact they had nothing, nothing in there was going to save my life right now. And so I opened it up and I flip it open to the table of contents and I see a vision for you and I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, OK, let's see what you got planned for me, you know? And, and so on page 151 and 152, that is what I just got out of it. It explained me exactly. And, and it goes on. It goes on to talk about a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits and, and yadda, yadda, yadda. But it it it's as

who presently tried the old game again for using happy boat of sobriety. You know, he fools himself utterly. He'd give anything to take a half a dozen drinks and and I could relate to that because I was I was dying and I wasn't happy about my sobriety. And it said he will be he will know a miserableness such as few people do. He will be at the jumping off point and he will wish for the end. That's exactly where I was and I and it's just one of those moments where I felt like where I felt like God come down and punch me right in the nose. Bam, wake up, you know, and,

and I, and I kind of came. I, I, I kind of, you know, I had, you know, what they call a moment of clarity, you know,

or whatever your spiritual experience or whatever. And I knew, I knew what I had to do because I'd been coming to meetings when I, when I needed them, But I had heard enough in the, in the 8 months before that, that I knew that I had to get a sponsor. And that's all I knew at that point, all I knew. Because you know, at the end of the talk, they say, if you're new tonight, get a sponsor, get a sponsor, keep coming back, you know, And

so I knew that I had to get a sponsor. So I asked this guy to sponsor me and I had some sponsors before that, but I really wanted to give it a try. And I met with him every week. He started taking me through the book. He told me to get off my sister's couch. So I moved in with Howard and Howard and this other guy Tony, they used to, they used to wake up at like 4:00 in the morning in their in their Whitey tighties and drink coffee and look at each other for about 3 hours and.

They never said anything though, they just looked at each other.

I those are my first sober roommates.

They taught me a lot.

Since then I've had a lot of sober roommates and.

Oh sweet, I always get screwed up on the time. I got to keep checking anyways. 7 minutes left. I got a lot of

and so Howard and Tony were my first sober roommates and and they almost kicked me out about every week. I think they yelled at me a lot and I messed up a lot. I remember quitting my job at Taco Bell because I didn't feel like riding up there in the rain my on my bike and and God forbid I should call somebody for a ride. So my best thinking says this is around nine months of sobriety, You know, right after I'd I'd got a sponsor and, and really wanted to give this thing a go. I, I called in and quit and I found a ride to Mahnomen, though, and,

and I hung out in this motel for a week and thought about how, how, you know, good, my life was in the dark, you know,

not really good, but I remember just thinking, just just sick, you know, and I got up there and I got really, really, really good. I hung out a motel for a week in the dark and, and it with me and my brain, and that's not a good idea. I mean, the, in the light, it's not a good idea, but it really, really sick. And, and I came back and, and I didn't see anything wrong with that, you know what I mean? I didn't tell anybody where I was going. I didn't, you know, I didn't know there's anything wrong. I've been doing that for a long time. And, and Howard put his foot in my butt. Tony put his foot in my butt. My sponsor Jim at the time put his his foot in my butt And, and I was,

and remember Jim, well, that was the first time I'd ever gotten a sponsor's foot in my butt. And I remember when he was doing it, I was supposed to punch him right, like I was supposed to, like I was telling my hand punch him in the face, you know, come on, do it, do it, you know, So God definitely must have been on his socks. I really wanted to punch him in the face really bad. And

I did what I said. OK, OK,

OK. OK. And I've never really I've, I've, I've, I've tried not to really talk back to my sponsors. You know, I've tried not to try to. I've tried not to argue with them. I I hope I'm doing a good job. You'll have to ask Mike, but he'll lie to you. I'm just kidding. He won't. I God shut up.

But I, but I've, I've, I've, I've tried, I've tried to be willing, you know, and I've tried to do, I've tried to do the next right thing in my sobriety and, and, and I've, I've haven't always been perfect. Like I said, you know, there, there have been times where I, where I, I, I, I'd take it all back.

You know, I take everything that I try to learn in the steps and, and I throw it out the window. I take everything that I hear in meetings. I throw, I throw everything out and I run on my own steam and, and I know best I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that and I'm going to, you know, and, and, and it never really turns off like, like I wanted to. And the book talks about on pages 6063, you know, I, and then I want everybody else to do what I want them to do. And I want, I want everybody, I want, I want my life to be arranged just so, you know, perfect. Like you hear, you hear you hear you, you say this,

whatever and and it never works out, you know, at work, at relationships, with friendships, with anything. And something's going to get in there. And then I become resentful and then I isolate. Then that's just kind of how I roll. But

I don't know, my higher power isn't Jim Morrison anymore. Thank God. I actually, I went through this thing. I went through this thing. I didn't listen to Jim Morrison or the doors for a year. I packed up because I got this new DVD, right? And my alcoholism will take any route to get me to drink anything. It will tell me anything. So I got this DVD and Jim and it's a live, live in Europe and, and Jim's up there singing and stuff. And it's like, it's like I was back in the bathroom again, man. I was like, Oh, that's me. That is me. And this is this is like a year ago. I mean, so I just opened the box like a week ago and,

and that's me. I could be that I could and, and, and so my sponsor told me to pack up everything and, and, and give it a year. And so and so I did that and, but but

I don't even know why I said that, But

I have a relationship with Apar greater than my than myself to do that. I don't always understand that. I misconstrue that, that, you know, I'll hear somebody else say something and, and, and wish that my relationship was like that with with God. And, and I wish that I could be so connected and, and, and you know, a lot of things, but but I'm, I'm, I'm

the relationship that I have with them. I'm exactly right where I need to be with God right now. You know, I, and I gotta remember, I gotta be able, I gotta try and accept progress, you know, because, because five years ago, I guarantee you I hated God. I hated God more than anything before I, before I went through the steps, I hated God more, more than more than life itself. And, and, and I never asked to be born in God may be born and I hate a guy that had huge resentments and everything. But anyways,

but, but I, but I, I, I did a fourth and 5th step and, and

and that I waited on a six and seven for a while and that's when things got really goofy. And after a while, though, luckily I didn't drink

and I did a six and seven and I went on it and I made a man's and I went through the steps. I continued to come here. I continued to call my sponsor every Thursday at 5:45. I, I, I meet with the guys that I sponsored and I, and I try not to break it off for anything. And, and, and I try to do the next right thing today, You know, in, in my relationship with God today. Definitely. I, I, I, I love God with, with everything that I am. And, and, and there are times when, when I, when I feel like, like, like God is like just where it's almost

and just feel the power, like everywhere, you know, and I can just see it everywhere and everything so great and everything so wonderful. And then there are times when I'm at the bottom, you know, but, but I'm grateful for those times. I mean I've I'm I'm running out of time and

only had one glass of water.

But if you're new tonight,

if you're new tonight

and you don't feel very willing. If you're new tonight and you don't want to do these things. If you're new tonight and you don't agree with these things,

try it. I mean, what do you got to lose really? I mean, like I came in and you know, people that I, that I respect now who I hated then would say things like go to meetings and you know, blah, blah, blah. And it's like that life sucks, you know, and you want that, but, and I was saying, why do that? Why do that? Why do that? Why do that? Why do that? And, and now I, I need to, I need to say to myself, why not, you know, why, why not do it? And it saved my life so far. And I've and I've seen it save a lot of other people's lives. And

I'm grateful to have Alcoholics Anonymous. And

if you're new negative sponsor, keep coming back. If you don't like this meeting, find a meeting that you like. I hear people talk smack about this meeting just like I used to do. And I'm going to tell you the same thing they told me. We're not we we don't have any monopoly on AA. There's there's sixty meetings a week in in the Fargo Moorhead area. If you don't like this one, go find one. And I'm so I'm, I'm grateful to be here tonight. Get a sponsor, keep going back. That's all I got. Thanks.