The Northern Plains Group in Fargo, ND

Thank you. My name is Leah Vista and I'm an alcoholic

and I've been sober since March 9th, 1992.

I think Howard has dirt on me and I certainly have dirt on him, so if you'd like to talk to me, please feel free. I'd be willing to share it and I won't even cost you a thing, so

I'm going to get my props out of the way first. Sarah Key, I love you. And Patrick, I have seen him in his underwear and it's not a pretty sight. No, actually

Patrick is engaged to my roommate. So one night there was an alarm going off in the living room and I got up and Patrick got up and I'm here actually both in our underwear and I'm like, hi, hi, here we are in our underwear. Let's read the big book. And so

fun things always happen here. Anyway, I grew up in Great Falls, Mt, which is a great place to grow up if you want to drink and gamble. And that's what I did. I actually grew up in a pretty normal family and my brothers here. And I always ask him before, I'm like, do you mind if I share some of your story? Because quite frankly, it's some of my story.

So, umm, I like, I like to share a part of it too, you know, 'cause it's kind of fun and it's honest for him. It keeps him honest and he needs that. So anyway, he's, he's younger than me. So he, he's about nine years younger than me actually. And so when I, I started drinking in a family that doesn't drink, I think they have a liquor cabinet, but it's in their closet that's hidden behind shoe boxes and things. So they don't really drink. I mean, I would say they drink less than once a year. I remember specifically after I had started drinking, we were having a neighborhood block party and and

my dad's like, I'm going to get some beer and I'm like hot damn beer at the party, you know, and my dad came back with a 12 pack. I couldn't even believe it. I'm like what? I was so embarrassed for them, you know, and I just thought, what are people going to think? And, and at the end of the night, there were 7 beers left. Not for long, I'll add, but there were 7 beers left at the end of the night. So they just weren't a drinking group. And I suspected that those bottles are still in my parents closet. They are all water by now. Certainly if my brother

had access to them and I had access to them, they are most definitely water. Anyway, like I said, I grew up in a family that just was not a drinking family. It was a church going family. And you know, it was the kind of family that we tried to always look really good. I remember like I, I was kind of a child that would speak my mind whenever I wanted. So I had a lot of bruises on my legs from being kicked under the table by my mom, you know, and I always felt like, you know, I just was really misunderstood. And I've told this story before. I remember when I was about seven years old, we had a park down at the end of our block.

I thought, I'm gonna run away and I'll prove to them how bad they'll miss me. And so I went and I sat there and I was very self satisfied thinking, I bet they're weeping at this point. And finally, when I got cold, I decided to go home. And my mom acted like she didn't even know I was gone. I was crushing. I remember it still today. I mean, that's how crushing it was. I'm like, I can't even believe it. I ran away. I'm seven for God sakes, you know, and

So what happened was I, you know, you hear a lot about people not feeling they fit in and I didn't feel like I fit in. And So what happened is I think I started hanging out with other people who didn't feel like they fit in. And then we all fit in together. And, and my first introduction to alcohol was actually my parents alcohol. They had some wine that I went and sucked down with my 8 year old neighbor because she thought I was cool and I was cool at 11 years old. And, and so we drank this wine and, and I felt the feeling that you feel when you take a drink and I went upstairs and my mom had some friends over and we were being particularly obnoxious. We

were, but we are particularly obnoxious that day and she told us to go outside. And it was the first time I didn't feel like I hate being yelled at. I'm yelled at all the time, you know, but I hate it. I'm like, didn't even care. I thought, this is fabulous. And So what happened was I met some other friends and I remember like our first really tawdry drinking experience. We had stolen some warm beer from a brother of a friend of mine and we sat in this dirt field and and drank it. And we didn't have enough beer to really get drunk or anything. But everything about it I loved. I mean,

walked home, I was much tougher, you know, and I'm like, mess with me. Oh, I'm bring it. And so, you know, it was just, it was just a, I liked it. I, I really liked it. And I, I grew up in a, like I said, a family that didn't drink. And I remember a story of a, a kid who was probably about four, three or four years older than me was a friend's brother. And this is before I started drinking. My mom said, Leah, we need to talk to you.

Mark was drunk. Mark Tambrandt, just so you know, he's not an alcoholic. So I can, you know, tell you about it

and I'm like, drunk. My God, you know, you read about stuff like that. You don't know people that get drunk. And, you know, I was totally horrified by this. And then, you know, we had some drunks come to our school. I suspect it was a, a people now. And I was in junior high school and they came in and they told their story. And I'm like, damn, that's cool. I don't remember the recovery story, but everything before that, I'm like, oh, yeah. And so I, I developed a ploy or a plan, I guess. And so I, I, I had this in my head for some time.

I went out one night and I got super bombed and I'm never, I can't stand cinnamon to this day, cinnamon gum, cinnamon anything. I had a cinnamon schnapps and I drink an excessive amount till I vomited all over the place. I don't remember any of this, but my hair like they threw me in the back of the truck because we went to the bar because in Montana you can get served at 13 and 14 year olds in bars. And, and so I was in the truck because I couldn't walk into the bar and, and I wake up and I'm in this bar parking lot in the back of this truck with

hair, I'm sure sticking puke hair, you know, And so I, I kind of walk into the bar and I think the whole bar just was like, oh, you know, when I walked and they hauled me out really quickly. And, and so they, they Take Me Home at night. I don't think they even came to a complete stop when they got past my house. They just pushed me out of the car because they didn't want to face my parents. But I had my plan, so I wasn't worried. And I went in there and my parents are like, where have you been? Because of course I'm not home on time. And I said, I've been babysitting

and

my dad said, you smell like a brewery. And there's this plant stand they had. And he kind of, I don't think he pushed me, but he might have, it might have been child abuse. I'm not sure. I, he kind of tapped me and I fell into this plant stand and I knocked the whole thing over. So it's time to enact the plan at this point. So I just start crying and I'm like, I'm an alcoholic, you know, because I knew about these kids at school, you know, and I thought they said it was a disease. So I really can't get in trouble for a disease.

I'm brilliant and

and my dad and mom are just like, Oh my God, you know, you're horrifying. And and they're like, Leah, when did you have your first drink? And I said, when I was two, you had me drink beer. And I don't know, maybe they did. I don't know if they did or not, but that's what I said. Anna, the next day we had to go riding horses for our church. So my mom hauls me out at the crack of dawn to edge our lawn. I don't know if you've ever edged a lawn, but and I had big red eyes because I had hemorrhaged my eyeballs completely. So I look like Satan

and my mom made me wear sunglasses at the church thing. And then she took me to the doctor and had me tell the doctor about my drinking experience and everything. It was very horrifying, but nothing stopped me. And what I learned and I learned early on is that I could take yelling. It really wasn't a big deal. I could take a lot. You know, I got in trouble at school. I got put in ISS for different things. And, and I'd come home and I, my parents would say you need to be home by this time and I just wouldn't come home at that time and nothing would happen. You know, they would yell, you know, big deal.

So what? And the one thing I've learned is you stick to the lie in the face of overwhelming evidence. You will stick to the line. Eventually, they will believe you. Or they'll just stop talking about it, you know, So, I mean, they, you know, that's what I learned. So you just are like, no, I didn't skip school. I know I wasn't in any of my classes, but I didn't skip school. Yeah.

So I mean, it just didn't matter. And, and so in the meantime, I have this this little brother who I think he looked up to me quite a bit, quite frankly,

and I went off to college and my college was a whole nother experience. I came here and, and my parents, I was going to join the military because I'm like, well, I like to say I got kicked out of my house because it sounds harsher, but the reality is my parents said, you'll follow our rules or you'll leave. And I'm like, see ya. And so I left, which really sucked because they didn't give me any money or anything. So I'm living at friends houses from house to house to house and things. And, and eventually they, you know, said, are you going to go to school or are you joining the military? What's your plan? And I was super, super high because I did some

to and they came over unannounced and we had just been, you know, doing this stuff. And, and so I thought, I don't even know if I answered. I still to this day don't know if I ever answered the question because I'm like, I think I said, yeah, but I don't want to say it twice or maybe it would be even six or seven times. I mean, I didn't, I didn't know, you know. And, and so I, I ended up coming out here to school. So somehow I must have conveyed the yes. And so I, I got out here, my mom's like Leah, if we're going to send you to school, we don't want you to do drugs,

want you to drink. And I'm like, well, OK. And that works so well, you know, for us Alcoholics, that's all you need to say. And so I got out here and I, I really didn't fare terribly well in school my first semester. I think I got like a 1.3 or something like that. And, and they were disappointed in me and, and I got an academic probation and, and I, I just thought, well, I'll just try harder because every, I wanted to be the president of the United States and I knew I couldn't do that if I did poorly in school. So every semester

I'm going to do the best ever. And then by about day three, I'm like, wow, man, there's some serious parties happening at college. And I just, you know, and I remember going through this thing too, like I'd have a test to study for Anna and the people. I mean, inevitably in college, somebody's drinking all the time, you know, and, and if you get into that scene, you're always invited to it. So I would have these like literally physically debilitating sicknesses when I would, I would like, I'm all prepared to study. The books are out. Somebody would come in and go, Hey, we're going to go have some beers

over here. And I think,

oh God, you know, I have to I'm going to be the president and I have to study and, and then in about 10 minutes I'm like, well, just some beers tonight. Tomorrow, I'll study really hard. And so I'd finally be at the test. You know, I'd be like walking into the door of the test thinking, damn, I wish I could studied for that test, you know, and I never, I never did. I just never did those things. And it just got

but I I still I didn't see a problem with drinking in my life. I saw a problem,

people not getting it. You know, you don't get how much fun this is. You don't get it. You know, you don't get me. I'm in trouble with my parents. My parents were really good to me. They, you know, put me in school. They paid for what wasn't covered in loans and things and, and they were paying my expenses there and, and I would go through $1000 and I wouldn't have bought food or clothes or anything like that. And I wouldn't, I think, I wonder where that 1000 bucks went, you know, and I just, my dad was like only putting 1000 bucks. Where did it go? And I'm like,

I don't know, I haven't paid my rent, so I know I need more, you know, and, and so, I mean, that's just how it went at, you know, time after time after time. And they did it, you know, and I, I just think they didn't, they didn't know what to do with me, you know, and they wanted me to be successful. My parents wanted me to be OK. And so, so I, I played them for that, you know, they didn't want to think I was using them and I didn't think I was using them. I thought they owed it to me, quite frankly. And

So what happened is eventually

it turned on me. At some point I started to feel like something was wrong with me. And that is a really, really uncomfortable place to get, you know, if it's if your guys have the problem, that's all right. If I have the problem now that's serious, you know, and I started to get really,

really scared, you know, and I was starting to do like just crazy things. Like there's this man I loved, I loved him so much. I loved him. And I, I remember he went away for the summer and he met this other chick and he came back and he told me and I was heartbroken. I wrote him letters for God sakes over the summer and he met somebody else.

She was bisexual and more exciting than me. So I

and so I got to hear about that and I tried to be supportive. Like, that's great. And so then I would get drunk and I would call him and I think I'm just going to sound really like upbeat and happy and he'll want me back. And so I'd call him by the end of the phone call, I'm like, and I'm going to kill myself if you don't love me. And I didn't have any intention of killing myself, you know, but I'd hang up the phone and I'd think, Oh, he's going to think of a nut case, you know, and, and so then I'd call back two days later because I think, OK, now I'm going to, I'm together. I've got my,

and I call him and once again I'm like, and I'm going to kill myself. And he'd be like, Leah, please don't kill yourself. And I just think, oh, I'm so embarrassing. I'm just horrifying. I mean, later I really did want to kill myself, just not right then. And so I, I just was going through that stuff and, and I eventually got to a place where I was just feeling really, really nutty. I had gone overseas for a while thinking that, you know, if I'm over there, I'll get away from the bad element around me and I'll have a chance to kind of,

you know, show my potential. And and I found dealers and people that drank within a day. My first day overseas, I was in Taiwan. Actually, I was drunk my very first day in Taiwan. And I'm already thinking, well, all right, I guess I'll be drunk in Taiwan then. Woohoo. And and I was like, that's a good time. And, and it's a unique time, I'll tell you, being drunk in Taiwan.

So it's important to learn the language when you're drunk and your friends hate you and have left you at an unknown St. and you don't know your home address and you don't speak, they don't speak English. And you're asking a taxi. There's a mall. You know, it was a long night anyway,

so I am. What happened is I eventually got to a place where I thought I'm going to die. I wasn't happy

at all anymore. I mean, drinking using nothing was making me happy. I mean, when I was drinking, I wanted to be in a blackout because I just couldn't stand myself sober. I couldn't stand it. I felt just smarmy. I don't know what that means, but I like that word. And so I, I just, you know, I, I,

I thought I was insane and, and what had happened was I'd gone through treatment at this point and it was ineffective apparently, because I was still using and I was using drugs after treatment because I thought, well, maybe I can stop doing alcohol, but they, you know, drugs really aren't a problem. So I'm going to do that. Well, eventually I'm drinking and I'm using and I'm doing everything and, and I have a list of people I don't want to know I'm using because they have high hopes for me. And my parents are on that list. But I'd call them at 3:00 in the morning drunk and I'd be like, I'm drunk and

I'm not happy. And my mom would say, well, I don't know what to do for you now. This is a resentment here. I think I'm working through it slowly, but

my brother said that and she drove 800 miles, 800 miles. Brent, I just got. I don't know what to do. So anyway,

I, I'll explain it to you if you don't remember and you may not because you were in that state. So

I anyway, so it was just a really difficult time. And what happened was I had this guy who was named was Eric actually. And he was the only person I knew that was in recovery. And he had taken any meetings when I had been going through treatment in school and and one day he called me and I had graduated from college barely at this point in time. And I'm barely holding a job and

and I'm loaded every day and I can't stand myself. And every night I'm going to bed just going God, if you really are merciful, like, you know, they say in the Bible, you would kill me tonight and then I'd wake up and think there is no God because he is not killed me and that would not be merciful. And he is apparently. So I was very depressed, Needless to say. And so Eric called me and said, you want to go out for coffee and I went out for coffee with him and and I really didn't want him to know I was using. So I kind of fixed up trying to look all pretty. And

I walked into the Perkins and he looked at me. And I think now I know at the time I didn't know. But you can often tell when people are using. And he just goes, so I see you're using again. And I hadn't used that day, you know, And I just go, yeah, you know, I just didn't have energy to lie anymore. And he said something that I think was life changing for me because he said, I don't know if I should kick your ass or what, but you're going to die if you keep this up. And then he started talking about himself. I mean, how rude

and,

and not like tragic things, but like, oh, here was my day at work and here's what's going on with me and my wedding's coming up and I'm just like,

jeez, you just said I was going to die. Don't should we talk about me a little more? And and he didn't. But what he did is he took me home that night and had a buddy with him, Adam, and they walked me upstairs and I gave them an orange pop. I don't know why I remember that, but I do. And and I was so like, I was so into it. They're like, OK, Leah, tomorrow you need to call the hotline and you need to get to a meeting.

And I'm like, OK. And I would, that's the plan of action, you know? And I watched him walk out and as soon as they got in their car, I'm like, there's a party around the corner. And if I'm going to sober up tomorrow, I'm going to drink tonight. So shoot, off I went. And that actually was my last night drinking. And I drank till like 8:00 in the morning. And I drank out of a weird ceramic owl that was filled with some nasty, but probably that stuff you were talking about, Pam. It was bad stuff.

And and I was so I'd like I could not drink to the place I wanted to be that night. I could not,

I couldn't forget. I mean, I was there, I was seeing myself and I was seeing like horrible things. I'm in this kitchen with a bunch of people I don't know drinking out of this ceramic owl and, and they're looking at me and I'm looking at them and I'm, I'm not like looking inviting or anything. I'm like,

and then they said I'm like, I just got out of treatment and they're like, well, shouldn't you be trying to stay sober? I'm like, I'm not highly motivated. I was court ordered, which was all a lie, All a lie. And they're like DUI. I go no vecular homicide.

And I said under like, are you serious? I'm like, yeah, but he was an older guy. I'm sharing his 60s. So I think it was probably a favor. And,

and I distinctly recall them saying you are one sick bitch. And I said yes, I am. They left the room and I stayed and I just stayed with my owl and stayed in the room. Anyway, So what happened was the next day I thought I was seriously going to die. And, and I remember very distinctly a friend calling me that night and I'm I seriously believe I'm going to die. I'm so sick. I'm so physically sick that day and I'm so mentally just totally gone that day that I don't even know

what to do. You know, I just think I, I just have to die. I have to die or I have to go to the psych ward. I don't know. And my friend called me and said, we're going to go out tonight, meet us at so and so bar and I'm like, come pick me up when every single part of me was saying, if you do this, it's you're done, you're done. And I couldn't, I couldn't say anything else but that. And I said, please come pick me up. And she said, Oh, just, we're already almost there. So just come pick me up. I look back now and I think that was God working in my life, you know, because I didn't have the ability to drive

at night. That's how sick I was. I couldn't leave my house. I was too paranoid and I was too physically sick. And I begged her and begged her to come get me. And she's just like, no, we had just hopped in your car, come over here. And then she hung up the phone and I'm just like, no, because I knew I couldn't make it over there, you know? And somehow I made it to bed that night and I made it to a meeting the next day. And that was the first meeting that I've been sober at. And I've stayed sober since that particular meeting. And.

I had been to meetings in the past, but I had never been like a regular attendee of meetings. And

what happened at that meeting? I guess I was just willing or open or desperate enough to hear something. And, and what I heard is, you know, keep coming back and get a sponsor and those things. And I did some of those things and it didn't make sense to me. And, and I, like I said, I didn't really believe there was a God when I got here because he sure wasn't listening to me, you know, sure wasn't favoring me at all. You know, I hated that bastard and, you know, and that's, that's how I felt. So when I got there, I just felt really wrecked And, and I

had that really tough exterior. And so when I came in, you know, I'm like checking everyone out, fearful to death inside. But I'm like, yeah, look at them, look at them. And I was so arrogant. I remember going to my first meeting, I'm going to commit suicide if I don't dig the meeting. But I'm a college graduate and I don't really want to intimidate any of the people there, You know, how screwed up is that? And,

and, but that's how, that's how my thinking was, you know, And so I just started going to meetings. Then I started going regularly to the meetings

didn't make sense to me. I just know that when I went there, when I left, I started to feel better. I remember the first time I'd been sober like 3 weeks and somebody was like, hi, Leah. When I came to the meeting, I'm like, they know my name, but I'm like, yeah,

how's it going, man? You know, Because you can't be like, thank you, you're saving my life. I was just like, yeah, yeah. And I remember too, like going to a meeting and then going home and watching TV and thinking, this is going to be a long 50 years of life doing this, you know,

because I didn't know what you did. I didn't know anybody. I didn't know what you'd do. You mean you'd go to a meeting, then you go home, then maybe you'd go to a work and then whatever. And so I just thought, what do, what do people do with themselves? And now I guess what I can say is that I just started. I met this woman who was just an incredible woman and she became my sponsor. And she just drugged me along places. And I was so terrified because she would say things to me like this disease is life or death, Leah. And I'd be like,

yes, it is, you know, and, and it, and it, and it was true, you know, and

but she would do it. I think sometimes maybe beyond that, she like, and if you don't do this, you couldn't dead, you know, and I probably would have actually, but she was a really great woman. She died of liver cancer a couple years back now, about 3, three years ago or so,

and she stayed sober to the end. And in that time she just taught me an incredible amount about dedication. You know, I don't always want to be here at AA. I have to be honest with you. I'd love to say I came in and I'm like raw, I love AA. I came in and I'm like, sometimes I hated you guys. Sometimes I thought it was bullshit. Sometimes I, I, you know, I didn't like what people said about me behind my back. You know, there's all kinds of reasons that I could have found to leave for some reason, I never did. I had a lot of friends that have left and they've left for a variety of different reasons, for whatever reason,

come back. And I've been really pissed off sometimes when I've been here, you know, but what I've known is I don't want what's out there anymore. You know, I really don't. I know where I, and that's why I still come here today. People sometimes say, oh, you've been sober 13 years. Do you still need to go to your group therapy?

What it is for me is I come here and I remember, you know, if there's nothing else, I remember when I come here. I remember when I'm sponsoring my new girls. I don't want that. So thanks, girls, for when you're really a mess. You are helping me out a lot. I mean, that's sounds sounds kind of tragic, but that's really the truth of it. I mean, it's what I get

working with them and when I see them like move on and do something and get it, that is so exciting to me, you know, and to be a part of their lives. And, and like recently, my brother and I, our dad had surgery and then last week he had a heart attack and a blood clot in his lung and, and some different things. And I have had so much support from this fellowship, you know, and I thought, I thought about that like it's a possibility he could, could die, still could die, you know, I mean, who's to know? And I don't have unfinished business with my dad. I'd like I said I'd like more business to occur in the

with him because I love my dad and but if he were to go now there's nothing that's not said, you know, and I can live with that. And I've seen other people go through that. I mean, my buddy Jeff lost his mother. I saw him go through that. I know what to do, you know, and and that's a really cool thing. And I told my brother, I would say, can I tell a little, like I said, a little your story and and I made amends to my parents when I had AI don't know a couple years sober, I guess, but I don't think I really fully understood what I did. And this is where my brother comes into play. My

brother started using probably about the time I sobered up. And I remember some incidences of with him where I was like, my God, did I really act like that? Did I really do that? And I'll tell the story. It's a little humorous. Brent's on home arrest and my parents

want him to have a special Christmas or they haul all the Christmas stuff and their beds down to his little crap hole efficiency apartment with porn and cigarettes everywhere. And, and, and you know, he's sitting there smoking a cigarette on his broken chair. So he's like this.

And my mom has fixed up the table really nice with everything and, and, and Brent playing his nasty rock music. And my mom hates that she likes this weird Oregon Christmas music stuff where she can pretend like she's playing the Oregon. I don't know, she likes that. But so she said, do you mind if we put in some Christmas music, Brent? And he goes, my house, my music,

and he cranks it up. And of all things, the song is I've got the biggest balls of them all, which he starts

singing at the top of his lungs. So I guess, you know, I'm just sitting there looking at that. But, you know, I, I say that kind of, you know, half, half jokingly and half the pain I saw that cause in my parents and what it did to me,

I had no idea. You know, I did not know that I had done that. And I had done those very same things, those very same things.

And so I was able to make an amends to my parents later, but where I'm just bawling. So it must have been heartfelt because I'm like, holy crap, I was, I like him. I'm so sorry. No, I you know, and but that was it's a cool thing. And I guess, you know, I kind of wrapped this up here. Things I think are important are our sponsorship. I think sponsoring people are important. I think meetings are important. I think doing things you don't like to do are important. And I think sometimes it not making sense and doing it anyways. Sometimes what you got to do, you know,

is what matters here. You can sit around and think about all you want, but you won't know how you feel until you take the action. You just have to do it, you know? And the thing that has been really, I think cool in my life is having somebody in my family to share this with, because I'm not stopping

is, you know, I have that to share with my brother now. And that's something I always wanted was to feel like I belong to my family. And I never did. And at least with my brother, I really do now. And that's a really cool thing. And it's a really special thing. And I love everybody here. I love my girls,

my sponsors and my best friends who have been with me through this past couple of weeks and I appreciate it because you guys are saving my ass. Thanks.