Under the Umbrella conference? in Cumberland, MD

Thank you, baby.

My name is Sherry Staples and I am a grateful recovering member of the Worldwide Fellowship of Al Anon and Alateen.

And I'm originally from New Jersey, so I should have stood up.

And I'm not her ex-husband. So

I want to thank you all for inviting me here to Maryland. I'm trying to decide. It was getting dressed tonight and I'm trying to think, am I in the South or the North?

It is a border state, isn't it? Yes, it is. And and the reason I say that is I was born in New Jersey and my dad was in the Army, so we lived all over, but mostly it was in the South. And then 25 years ago, I moved to Virginia. I was going to be there for two years and then go home. And somehow that just didn't quite happen. And I'm still there. But my mother-in-law used to say to me, she would say, Sherry, you have married a Virginian and you have given birth to a Virginian, but she never, ever will be a Virginian.

The last time I spoke was in Savannah, GA. And one of the things I do to sort of prepare myself before I speak because I am not like Mark today. I'm not a circuit speaker, but before. And I speak in in frequently. But every now and then I always listen to my last talk so I can see how I did. And I,

and I remember, they said, I remember this is Georgia. Speak slowly. And I swear to you, I spoke like a bat out of hell. I thought they didn't get a thing, I said.

So I'm hoping tonight, if I revert to my New Jersey roots, you'll be able to keep up.

I'm so thrilled to be here. It's absolutely a beautiful, beautiful setting. And I think next year I just may come back to enjoy the setting and to, to just kind of relax instead of having to feel right now like I might be sick, but

and I never looked. I should make a habit of looking to see where I'm going. And I didn't till yesterday. I was on the the web and I looked up the Rocky Gap Resort and Spa and I realized that you all had golf here. And my husband is an avid golfer. And I felt really guilty

because I didn't ask him to come along. And I just, you know, I, we can only follow each other but so much. And so I just didn't think about it. And then I felt really, really bad because he could have golfed. But today I fessed up and I said, you know what, Doug? They have golf here, but it's raining.

So I, you know, solved my deal instantly. And, and he's going to a Redskins game tomorrow, so he wouldn't want to come anyway. He'd much rather be in, in DC at the game. So, so be it. He's missing the golf in the rain. I want to thank Mark who spoke this afternoon. I thought he was marvelous. I just he was a really great speaker.

I like speakers that speak from the heart. I like speakers that are not

that you feel are genuine, that you feel aren't giving the same talk over and over and over. I never know what I'm going to say. I was telling them today at lunch that there for a while I was speaking quite a bit. When you become a delegate, they think you speak well. I know delegates that can barely get a sentence out. So I don't know what that that's all about, but they think you can't still get invited a lot. And it and it turned out there was a time where I was speaking so daggone much that I could just sort of, you know,

OK, insert up laughter here up here. We're going to do the and and and one day I was speaking at a picnic and I thought, I am so bored with myself, I can't stand it. And I didn't speak anymore for a while. So God took that right out of my heart. So it's been a while and I'm I'm really glad that this one's going to be

full of flaws, but as genuine as they come, it really will be. I come to you as a miracle, the program of Al Anon.

I can be just as good an Al Anon as anybody and I can be as unrecovered as anybody on any given day. And I've been in the program a couple of years, 27 of them. And and yet it's a program that on a daily basis, I have to, I have to work like it's the very first day of my program.

Otherwise I get very complacent. And, and I think the longer you're in Al Anon, the harder it is to continue in a program of recovery because you can get very complacent and things seem to be going pretty good. And then all of a sudden you realize they're not going so good and you think, oh, that's right. There's those meetings I'm supposed to be attending and, and it and it can be a little, little hard. So I think I'm one of the first speakers you probably ever had that needs to be here maybe more than you do.

I really needed this weekend. I needed it for for the recovery. I needed it for the the people that I have met so far.

And, and Tim and Kristen are adorable. I just love them. I want to take them home with me. They're so cute. And, and your sister Elisa, correct? Right. She's wonderful. The sister. I mean, it's just everybody's so nice here. And I'm just so, so happy that they've shared their time with me today. They've put up with me for a full day.

My anniversary date is Easter Sunday 1980. And the reason I remember that is it's a resurrection day for, for, for the religious reason. But it was my resurrection day. It was

keep going. Pay no attention to the woman pushing the mic down.

My husband praised And not be able to hear me. You know that? He praised

and there used to be an old AA speaker and he used to talk about recovery was like a new pair of glasses. And for me, that's what Alanon has been. It has been a new pair of glasses for me. It has enabled me to see my life as it truly is, not as I felt it was. And if you had asked me before the program of Al Anon what my life was like, what my childhood and my upbringing was like, I would have told you was full of misery and uncertainty and fear.

But once I came into the doors of Al Anon and I began to take a look at my life through the program of Valon, through those glasses,

I began to see that my life was really not that bad. It just had some really unpleasant moments. When my parents were talking about getting married, my mother expressed to her best friend's mother a concern about my father's drinking. And her best friend's mother said to her, Aw, Jeannie, all Eddie really needs is a loving family and a Good Wife. Why are you laughing

and he won't drink anymore? And if you ever are in a situation where you hear that, that is a big white flag and you should run,

run quickly. And my mother took on the challenge and and my parents were married. And it's a good thing they did because seven months after my parents were married, my mother gave birth to a very large 7 LB preemie. And that was me

and they took one look at me and said, whoa, this ones more than enough. And I am an only child.

I also have an only child that's sort of a family legacy. So and and I have great. I had great parents. I really did. My father. I have to explain my parents to you so you'll understand from where I come from and how I got here. My father was a Sergeant in the Army. He was 6 foot one blue eyes, handsome, very, very sort of regularly handsome, kind of a Clint Eastwood kind of handsome man and absolutely dashing and romantic. And I adore this man

and everything in my life that I appreciate. This day my father gave to me. He, he used to be a singer and he loved music and I still sing occasionally and I love music.

And he liked the theater and he would take me to the theater with my mom and I and he, he loved to read and we would, we would read books together as I got older. And he loved history, which came in handy because he loved Civil War. And when I moved to Virginia, it was a good thing I knew where the heck I was going because you know, that is Virginia. We did invent history in the state of Virginia and the war still going on. I saw.

And the South is winning, by the way.

And coming up here last night, I saw in teetom and my instinct was, oh, turn, but it was dark and it was raining. I didn't figure they'd be open, but that's a place I haven't gotten to. And and I, the Virginias would never believe there was a battle here in Maryland that just wouldn't have occurred to them. But anyway, he loved history. And so I love history. And so all the things that I still love and enjoy, my life, music and the performing arts and and history, they were all gifts of my dad.

Now my mother on the other hand,

she was boring. She was very, very steady as she goes. She worked very hard. She was a principled moral person and and I just thought she was boring. And she worked for 40 years as a telephone operator and towards the end of her career, she hated her job. And I just could not understand how anyone could go to work and hate their job the way she did. And when I came to realize were those new pair of glasses was my mother was the one that put food on the table

and paid the bills because my my handsome, dashing daddy was was he drank all the money away always. And So what I didn't realize was my mother was who we survived on and she did what was she needed to do to take care of her family. And now I've learned to admire her for that. But until Al Anon I remember saying, I will never be like my mom. I don't want to work at a job I hate. I'm going to do something exciting and fun and I'm going to love it. I'm not going to be like her.

So we we had this wonderful family. We're moving all around

the Army and I loved Army life. It suits me fine. I liked meeting new people. I liked going to different places. I thought everybody lived in a place that began with the word Fort

and life was good until I was six years old, and that seems like a long time ago to me, but I can still. That was 32 years, no 4242 years ago. Whoops, bad math there.

And the reason that stands out so well was when I was six years old, my father came home drunk. And I remember that night just like it was yesterday. I can, I mean, I close my eyes and I'm sitting at that kitchen table. And I remember sitting there and mom was was either making dinner or she was at the sink. And my dad came in. And I have no idea how I knew it at that age, but I knew he was drunk. And I remember saying to my mom

and I wonder where our six year old got this. I said to her, is daddy drunk? And she said, Oh, no,

Daddy's just not feeling well and all she needs to do is, is go to bed and he'll feel better in the morning. And I've heard people stand up and say my kids were too young to Remember Me drinking or my kids were too young to remember my behavior when their dad was drinking. And I'm here to tell you that kids always know. I mean, they really know. And today in a couple of workshops I was in, I heard people talking about they loved their parent that drank, but they had no idea what was wrong with the with the sober parent. And that's the way it was in my house.

I mean, I instinctively knew my father drank and I instinctively knew that the problem laid with our old granddad who lived in a cupboard. And

but I had no idea what the hell was wrong in my mom. I really didn't. She was just, she was just crazy and she was always upset and she cried a lot and she yelled a lot. I had no idea it was wrong with her. But dad was real easy. And I think it's interesting because those people, I remember today when Mark was speaking, he was talking and we were all laughing. We were laughing about DUI's and falling out of cars and,

you know, normal people don't think that's

I think it's a scream. And everybody else in the room thought was pretty funny too. But you know, those people don't belong in these rooms. Just fail to see the humor in that kind of behavior. And that's kind of sad because I think it's pretty funny. But

the old granddad bottle, that's how I judge the how the day was going to be. That's how people that live in alcoholic homes judge the quality of their day. And that is what is the level of the bottle. You know, if the level stays even in the bottle, it's a good day.

But if the level goes down, you can expect things to be, you know, to be going out of control. And I remember to this day, one of the sounds I hate the most and I still cringe is the sound of an ice cube hitting the glass. Because you just never knew what was what was being poured in that glass. Was it iced tea? Was it iced tea with vodka? Was it just straight burp? Or was it you just never knew? I know there's a dance. I'm watching the time

and and that's, you know, that's a weird way to live and I'm happy to. I have a daughter and she doesn't live that way. She's clueless as to

to look at it. She doesn't go to the closet, look in a bottle and figure out what her day is going to be like that just she hasn't had that experience. And so that's how it went. And but you know, I still, I still loved my parents. And the problem was I knew they loved me. So I couldn't figure out what was wrong in this household. And I remember I was in a church one time and a well meaning minister said something like, well, good things happen to those who deserve good things and who are good people

and bad things happen to bad people. And I remember thinking, well, I must be a bad person because I live in a veritable nightmare. I live in hell. And and so that's what I thought. I must have something to do with this, you know, And it's also that kind of self-serving, self-centered way we have of thinking. It's like, well, you know, if somebody even to this day I have this problem, if somebody says I've got a cold, I'll say, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do? And they'll look at me like,

no,

you know, if you tell me you've had a bad day, I'll tell you how sorry I am, you know, and then I'll try to fix it for you. You know, it's. And that's what I did. I kept trying to fix my parents. I was eight years old. One of my jobs was was that

when my dad would drink and it would get really bad, we would escape the house and when we would come back, my mother would send me into the house to check to see where he was and what he was doing. And several times he would be passed out on the floor and she's to make me go check to see if he was alive.

And, you know, I mentioned that because I had forgotten all about that. And my mom decided to make amends to me one time and she mentioned that. And sometimes, you know, where they say, you know, accept what it would do harm to others. And I don't think she knew what she was doing when she made amends to me for that. But man, I was resentful to her for a long while after that because I'd forgotten about it. And when I remembered it, I remembered it well. It was like, you know, it's one of those things you just sort of these memories come back and you swear you're there.

So anyway, that's what that's how it went. So

when I became a teenager, violence centered our home.

And I would like to tell you that that violence was solely on the part of the alcoholic, but it was not. It was a fighting place to be. And I would be a smart mouth and my mother would, you know, she'd knock me one, you know, and heaven knows I don't believe in beating children, but God knows I surely came close to deserving it with her. And, and, but she didn't beat me. She didn't pop, you know. But with my dad, when he would come home drunk, the anger in me now was so great that I would confront him

and he was not a happy drunk. I heard somebody mentioned today they had a dad who was a happy drunk.

I don't know many of those. Mine never was a happy drunk. He was a violent, mean drunk. And he started to turn his attention away from my mother and to me. And of course, I didn't help it at all because I would, I would basically throw gasoline on the fire. I would get in his face and I'd yell at him and he'd yell at me and I curse at him and I'd spit his face and, you know, and all of a sudden he would smack me.

And a couple of times he knocked me down. Remember one time he had his boot on my throat

and the whole time I'm screaming at him like a girl possessed, you know? And I remember when I came into the doors of Al Anon,

they weren't as gentle and kind, like she was saying something that tough love. They weren't gentle and kind. When I came into Al Anon, they were pretty tough. And so I was saying this one time and Al Anon in the early days of my recovery and an old timer said to me, well, Sherry, stop volunteering for the violence.

And I was shocked.

I wasn't volunteering. I was a precious victim

and she said to me, you know, the next time he comes home and he's violent,

leave.

What a concept. Who'd have thought of that?

You know, and I, and I always like to say this, it's those simple things. They tell you an Al Anon, those easy things to do that you look at and you go, right, it's not going to work. You know, you discount so much that we say in Alan, I discount things that we say in Al Anon's, not just you, it's me, because they sound so simple. And yet it's these very simple, easy things that work. And so I thought, well, I'll show her this woman I particularly found annoying. So I was always going to show her. I got a lot of recovery from showing this woman, and

so the next time my father came home drunk, he headed in. He weaved into the bathroom and I picked up my purse and I left.

One of the things I was fondest of doing to him that was a wrong term. One of the things I was I used to do to him was when we would get into one of these fights, I would take my nails and I had really long nails at that time and I would scratch him down the face. And so the next morning when one of these fights would have happened, I'd get up and I'd have black and blue marks from where he was grabbing me. And he would have these rape marks on my on his face of, of my anger.

And

it's just the shame and the misery at the breakfast table for days on end with my bruises and his scratches. It was just the misery was horrible. So, you know, taking her advice, I take the pocketbook and I leave. And you know what happens? That simple leave. Well, the next morning I have no bruises on my face and he has no rake, scratch rape marks on his face

and there's one less thing to be guilty about. So that one small suggestion at that wicked woman told me

worked unbelievably well and it began to change the dynamic of the home. Just that simple act of leaving, which I never would have thought of because it was too easy. Well, I decided that I was so smart that I, what I was going to do to get out of this house was I was going to get, you know, really great grades in high school because I figured that my brains could be alcoholicism.

And so I was going to get good grades and I was going to go to a good college and get a degree and get a great job and be highly successful. And that would, you know, I would never, ever, ever marry an alcoholic.

And so that was my plan of attack. And I began to implement it. And so I graduated high school with honors and I began to go to college. Now, I didn't go away to school. I went to a very good local school in the first couple years. I didn't go away because I was afraid if I left that house, they would kill each other. So I stayed at the house. And when I was 20 years old, my father hit a school bus. And I, at the time, was dating a police officer. And it was on his shift. It was not

a real good moment for him or me.

And he hit the school bus and fortunately was only four kids on the bus and they didn't get hurt. He sustained quite a number of injuries, but nothing like threatening. So they could arrest him and throw him in jail. And that horrible act changed my life and my mother's life and eventually changed his. And what happened was all the police officers began to call me and tell me I needed to go get my dad. And I didn't want to do it because I was afraid of him. And I was embarrassed and humiliated. And finally this guy Andy that I was dating.

His captain called and said you got to come get him, Sherry. And so I went down to get him because mom was working and I brought him home and his head was all bandaged and I brought him home and he went to bed. And it made the front page of the paper. And I, that was the first moment of letting go and accepting a situation because there was absolutely nothing I could do about that.

He was on the front page of the paper. And that great big pink elephant in our new book, I think the referred was in a hippopotamus. That's even uglier. That was living in our living room was now like there. Everybody knew it. It moved from the living room to the front lawn

and so everyone knew what was happening in my house and

what was really surprising about and I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't cover it up. And I just remember letting go and thinking, let's see what happens now.

And what was interesting about that was I had a lot of friends and they all loved my dad because he was charming and he was kind and he was he was helpful to all of my friends when they needed help. He was a terrific human being when he was not drinking. And they loved him and they seemed to understand he had a problem. And those that didn't understand and didn't call or come around, I guess they just weren't our friends after all.

So he he was in a great deal of trouble legally and it looked like he was going to be going to jail.

So

I had a cousin and he had been through a treatment center and he called my mom and he said, you want me to come over and talk to Ed? And my mom said, yeah. So my cousin Greg came over and he brought his wife. And Greg sat in the living room and talked to my dad and his wife, talked to my mom and me in the kitchen. And it was an old-fashioned 12 step call. And we all do those very much anymore. And I, I'm a product of one of those and

I kind of miss the fact that we don't do that. I wonder,

I wonder if we ever will again, because it was a really great way for somebody to say, I know where you've been and you're in your own home and they're sitting there with a cup of coffee and they're talking to you. You know, we don't do anything without a cup of coffee in this program, even if it's decaf, which I think is kind of pointless. But I

so my dad for a number of reasons decide, one of them being one of the shorter jail sentence, he decided to go into this treatment program. And it was one of the first places, that was in 1980, as I said, and that was one of the first places that treated alcoholism as a family disease. And so he was there for the usual those days, it was 28 days. And so he was there for 10 days before we could see her talk to him.

And after those 10 days we could go that Sunday to see him. And that was Easter Sunday. And I remember

seeing him and then they split my mom and me and him up, and I went in to see a counselor. And I remember this counselor sitting down from across from me and saying, do you feel crazy?

And I was just amazed that this person knew that because, see, I thought in my family, my grandfather was the oldest of four, and he was the only boy. He had three younger sisters, and all of them had died in an insane asylum. And my cousins and I thought that that was just what women in the Fisher family did. They just went nuts. And it was kind of like a bad Gothic novel. You know, you, they lock you up in a tower and you die there. And so

I began to think that maybe I had that little disease,

you know, where I was going to go crazy and I was just doing it early. And it turns out I found out actually at my grandfather's funeral that none of my aunts died in insane because they were insane. They were all alcoholic

and seeing those days, it was better to be crazy than be a drunk, especially if you were a woman. And I had had several years of the program at that time. And and so we had all walked around all those years fearing this sort of genetic tendency of insanity, actually just a genetic tendency of alcoholism.

So you know, that was a nowadays I can say, oh, what a relief.

There's help for that. So

anyway, I said, yes, I do feel crazy. And she said, what if I told you we could help? And I was so sick at that point. I was 20 years old and I was so sick and so scared. And I physically always had that feeling in my stomach where you didn't know whether you were going to throw up or you needed to just sit on the pot for a while. You know, kind of like I felt right before I spoke tonight and, and, and I felt that way all the time, this physical gnawing in my stomach. And so I did feel sick. And she said, well, we're going to help and God bless these people. I mentioned treatment centers because they're out

fashion again, but for me, that place saved my life and I was kind of an experiment. I was the 1st

adult child. I was, I'm not fond of that term. I'm sorry. I'm really not. It's just where I come from. But I was the first child that they were 20 year old child that they were treating and I was the experiment and I was so sick. I knew they were thrilled to have me. You know, I was like, well, we'll try with her. And hopefully I knew that they were just thrilled to have me. And the wonderful thing about this and and, and the wonderful thing about this place was that

when you went into the treatment, you were mixed in a group of Alcoholics and non alcoholic. So you had family members and Alcoholics in the same groups. And that's when I first began to hear Alcoholics tell their story. And that's when I began to have what they call an Allen slip and began to have compassion for the alcohol. And

but it was it was an eye opening experience to listen to an alcoholic talk about the hell they were going through. And and it changed everything. It changed everything in my life Also that that Easter Sunday, they said to me, the other thing you need to do is you're going to need to go to Al Anon and you're going to need to go to two meetings a week. And I thought, fine.

So when I was done, my I met up with my mom and before we could have dinner with my dad, they sent us up. They had a weekly out on meeting every Sunday in this place. And so I went to my first alcohol. I mean, yeah, I wished I got my first Alcoholics on this meeting. I could have fixed them quick. But no, I went to my first al Anon meeting and I walked in there and everybody was happy,

smiling, joking and laughing. And I thought, oh, man, my job is to tell these people and bring them down. They apparently don't know what it's like to live in an alcoholic home. Yeah, they just don't know. So I'm going to tell them how miserable I am, and I'm going to make a miserable with me. We're just all going to share the misery. And there was a lot of older women in that room and a couple of men, but most of them were over the age of 40 and above. And I was 20. And I thought, Oh my God,

menopausal women. And you know what the joke is? I'm 48 now and I watch these young girls come in and they look at me like, oh, you were so old.

And I just listen,

No, I'm not. It was young once. So, you know, what goes around comes around, you know, but

they just told me basically to sit down and be quiet and listen. Well, I've never sat down and was quiet for anybody, much less listen. And I and I know I was one of those obnoxious ones that kept going. Yeah, but. And they would just kind of cut me off. And there was a woman named Leslie there. And I think she ran the newcomers meeting for over 20 years. And there is a place in heaven for people like that because she basically sat devoted an hour every Sunday to listening to newcomers come in and whine,

you know, And she had other meetings she went to, thank God. I'm sure that but

she never ever missed that meeting. And so I began to go to Al Anon and what was interesting was my mom and I came up with this deal where we when we went to Al Anon meetings together, she was Gene and I was Sherry and we were not mother daughter and we never talked about or he came out of the meeting. We never talked about what we heard or saw that meeting. We basically treat each other in the meeting as friends and we begin began to heal and that was amazing.

That was absolutely amazing because my mother and I were mortal enemies.

And I began to see that my mother was every bit as sick as I was. And I remember doing my 4th step and I, my first sponsor was a man because all the women wanted to mother me. If they didn't, they weren't mean to me. They wanted to be my mom. And so I picked a man because he was a retired Sergeant in the Army, just like my dad. And I thought I know how to relate to people like him. And he was tough. He was tough on me. And when I did my 4th and 5th step, he said

to me, he said, you're going to need to forgive your mother

before you make any progress in this program. And I said, no, I won't, I will not. And he said, well, and he was also in the group I was in at the treatment center. He said, well, you're not leaving this group because they would vote you out. That's how you got out. And it was everybody stayed about nine months. And when they thought you were kind of ready, they vote. Yeah. And I could wait for that day. And yet the day they voted me out, I was like, where do I go? But he said until you forgive your mother, you'll never leave.

And that was true because I had to see her as a human being just like me who had been badly, badly damaged by alcoholism.

And so we began to grow together. And, you know, I began to see my mother with those pair of glasses. And I, she everybody always liked my mom. And I thought, yes, you need to live with her. You know, I now have a 12 year old going to be thirteen soon. And she's probably saying, oh, you need to live with my mom. And

everybody likes my mom. My mom looks like if you know Rose on the Golden Girl, that's my mom

and my my current sponsor calls her lovey because she looks like Mrs. Thurston. How the third

and she's so sweet and such a genteel lady and she can swear like a sailor. It is so funny because it comes out of this genteel face. But she's a great lady. And if Al Anon did nothing else for me, it gave me my mom and I am forever indebted to this program for that. So anyway, my dad left the treatment center and and we were going to meetings and he was going to a A and

unfortunately he didn't stay sober.

But what he began a series from the time from that time on where he would get sober for a little while and then he go back out and gets he was just one of those who just never ever could quite get keep the sobriety. But I remember the first time he had he got drunk after the treatment and I went in and they said to me, you can go down with him now or you can stay and you can continue to get better. What's it going to be?

And I understood that I was just got that much enough recovery to know that

I could keep going without him, which I never knew before. You know, it was liver die together. So I continued to go to Al Anon and I graduated college with honors, of course, And because I'm going to, you know, beat the system, I'm going to beat alcoholism. And I always say that because I think people that have really high educations have a hell of a time in Al Anon in a A and because I always thought you were I was smarter than anybody. And one of the things that anonymity in the program does for me

is anonymity. I don't know what you do for a living. I don't know what you're educating. When I first come into a program, I have a clue what you do. And I was such a snob and a snot when I came into the program that if somebody had been a doctor or a lawyer, I would have listened to them and I would have discounted the meter man, who, by the way, was my meter man and was one of the smartest people in the group. Because I thought that if you were really smart, then, then you had an advantage over people. And I've come to know in the program that that can actually impede you

because my, my, my first sponsor said to me, Sherry, when you go into a meeting, leave your brains outside the door. No one cares.

We want you to bring your heart in here and just you don't need to think your way through this program because your thinking is already got you into trouble. And I've heard other people say, you see that sign, think it's not for you,

That's not for you. We used to have a Harvard PhD in my Home group and, and his license plates at Harvard PhD. And God bless him, he never could get out. He just couldn't because he was always so busy trying to figure it out.

And you can't figure it out. You just have to accept it and do it. It's one of those miracles. Matter of fact, if you figured it out, it would ruin it. I don't want to know. I just would ruin it. So anyway, I'm, I, I got a, I, I got a good job in Virginia and I moved away and I was terrified. Like I said, that those people are going to kill themselves and kill each other. And they didn't. And funny, they actually got along even better.

Mom painted my room real quick after I left and, and, and even though my dad was drinking, like I said,

she continued to go to Al Anon and it changed the dynamics because all of the crap we used to buy into, we no longer would. So he could no longer behave crappy because we just didn't deal with it. We would not deal with it. So it changed his drinking. I'm sure it really ruined it for him, but Oh well. And when I went to Virginia, when I went to Virginia, I'm one of the only good things I did in those first couple years as I found an alon meeting and I walked into the meeting and they read the preamble like they read in every Al Anon meeting everywhere.

And I knew I was home. And I understand that's why we do things this, that's why we read the steps. That's why we read the tradition. That's why we do that because we're doing it. And while we're doing it, somebody in New Zealand's doing it, somebody in France, wherever there's an out on meeting, they're doing that. And so I walked in that meeting and I knew I was home. Now I've done Allen on two ways. I've done it bad and I've done it good

and I've done it half assed and

all within these 27 years. So and they some years are good and some years are bad. Well, when I went to Virginia, I began to do it. I've been in the program two years. I'm an old timer now and I began to do it bad and I went to Virginia and I began to have a great time and I tried very, very, very hard to join the other program. My problem is is once I start to feel it I stop drinking

and my husband is a sponsor says

you're supposed to feel it Sherry. That's the point.

Drink through that and you'll be

and I never could quite drink through that because I'd have to give up control and God forbid, you know, I would do that. And so anyway, but I also did al Anon like you do a a social club. I would go one, one meeting a week. Tuesday nights I would go to Tuesday night meeting and I'd go home. I did not get a sponsor. I was not working the steps. I didn't go to any other functions outside of that

hour and a half meeting we had on Tuesday nights. I did not go to coffee afterwards and I did nothing to get well. And I've heard a lot of people say, well, you just come in and sit down and if you hang around long enough you'll get it. And I anything I said, here's my opinion, but I vehemently disagree with that. This is a program of action. You have to take action against your thinking. You have to do something to get better. It's kind of like me praying to God and saying I want a new car and then I just sit there.

God's answer is go to work,

get a new car, go to work. I'm not. He does not give me cars. Same thing with recovery. God doesn't just give me recovery. Go to work. And every time I stop working on recovery, something that happens and something bad happened. And that was, I was working at this place and there was this gentleman and he had big brown eyes and he was really sad and he needed someone.

And I got to tell you,

I've heard people say I need you is the ultimate rush for an Allen eye.

It's almost not quite better than sex. I mean, it's just

we hear I need you. It's Oh yes,

I've been waiting for you all my life.

And

we love to be needed. It makes us feel important. We I cannot

I can be, but it's hard for me to feel important unless you tell me I am. It's not enough for me to be Sherry to be a child of God and be important. I always needed you to tell me that. And once I stopped caring about whether I was important to other people than I could be me. So I'm trying real hard not to care whether you like me or not up here. But I'm I'm not going to guarantee it because I like to be liked but and needed. And so I decided that this man was going to be my project. And if I had known what I know now,