The 22nd CALA Convention in Palm Springs, CA

Wow,

my name is Arisha and I'm a recovered addict

and by the grace of God, one day at a time, since December 1st, 1990, three 93, God has brought me from being a hopeless whole to a humble servant and I am forever grateful and thankful to that. I like to thank the CA LA Convention team for singing their hearts and their spirits to invite me out to speak. Those lights are bright

and

it's such a great honor to be able to speak to my peers. Most of you I admire,

some of you have yet to get to know, but this has been a blessing and a path that without the help of God, I would not be able to stand here this evening. So again, thank you all very much for considering me. My husband, who is I've been blessed with that man, was given to me by God, and I thank God for him because he has this patience and the Spirit to deal with all the personalities that I possess,

and I have quite a few,

The big book of Alcoholic Anonymous says. We share in a general way what we used to be like, what happened and what we're like now,

what I used to be like.

I have not found a word for it,

but the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous said that it was a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body

and that I could recover from that if I surrendered. I'm the oldest of 17 children. I have 10 brothers and six sisters,

have eight children of my own and 13 grandchildren.

But coming from a big family like that,

you think there will be a lot of love in that family. But there was not a lot of love for me because I was the illegitimate child. My mother cleaned house for the man that she had an affair with that she had me. And I was born in 1955 in Durant, Ms. to a black mother and a white father.

That was the beginning of unmanageability for me in my life. What I found out is that

coming to some people who don't want to have anything to do with you, but they don't know what to do with you, so they keep you and they keep you miserable because they're miserable. And some of I've heard and I've learned that it's called dysfunctional, but I don't believe it was dysfunction because as I did the work and stayed in these rooms,

I found out that my parents did the best that they could with what they had.

And since then, God has granted me the permission in my heart to forgive them.

But being in that family, my stepfather being an avid alcoholic who beat my mother 24 hours a day

and knew that I was a product of my mother having an affair because see, my mother was married to him and had an affair. I'm the first child born from my mother who was married to my stepfather. Y'all feel me wasn't very pleased to have me there. And he made me know that on a regular basis, from the time I was 7 to the time I was 12, he molested me.

And he made it perfectly clear that I was not his.

My grandmother finally took me out of that home and put me in her home.

And in my grandmother's home, my grandfather picked up where my father stepfather had left off.

I thought this was a normal way of living.

And so as I got older and I got out into the world, if you would say because I left at 14, I proceeded to find men who had those same values because I thought that's what men were. I thought that they were abusive. I thought that they were controlling and I thought that I had to shut up, sit down and listen whenever they said so. I later found out that was a lie.

I'd like to tell you that the things that I went through, from the molestation

to being beat up as a Wi-Fi found that I tried to be married six times, had six husbands. I finally got it right with the one I'm married to today, but that's after doing some serious searching and fearless moral inventory.

But I like to say that all those things that was happening in my life, been in the penitentiary for 13 years, shooting drugs in my veins until my veins was just frozen. I smoked primos for nine months and I was thoroughly convinced that crack cocaine was not the drug for me. It took too much work and I didn't like peeking out a window sills at night or having my eyes stuck to the pee hole on the door after I took a hit.

It was a bit much to be crawling under a bed looking for a rock that was supposedly had fell and rolled up under them only to find out that it hadn't.

I'd like to say that the reason why I use drugs and drink alcohol was because of all the things that happened to me. But what I found out is that I drank and used drugs because I like the effects that is produced by it. Simply,

I'm not the person that's going to tell you that the drugs and the alcohol stopped working for me because it did not.

Every time I took a hit, every time I took a drink, every time I put a pill in, shot some dope, whatever the case may be, I got the same effect loaded.

I don't know about you. I could buy the red though. The brown dough, the pink dope, the yellow dope.

It could be the blue pill, The pink pill, the red pill. It could be Thunderbird Shevers

on TV vodka. Every time I put something in, I get the same effect, drunk or loaded. And I had to realize that truth early in my recovery because if I had to spend the rest of my life concerned about the fact if I'm ever going to take a drink again,

I wouldn't be sober.

I did not want to spend the rest of my life. When I hear people talk about this is the last house on the block, this was it for me. I had tried really, really every imaginable remedy

and when I looked at step one and it said that I had to admit that I was powerless and that my life had become unmanageable. My life did not become unmanageable because I took a hit. My life was unmanageable way before I took a hit, and the hit made it manageable.

You need to hear me on now

see because I'm a function, educational, intellectual, analytical addict

who suffers from OCD and dyslexic and bipolar and I have anxiety disorder. I need a drink.

Oh Oh yeah, that's my truth. So for all my Prozac people, hey,

don't be scared

you would want to take your meds for real.

We talk about I'm I'm just going to wait on God. I'm going to depend on God. I'm going to be better. Take them pills.

Somebody see you out there undressing and you ain't smoking no sherm, but you in the middle of the street out there.

I see my family is at home,

but admitting that I was powerless and that my life had become unmanageable suggested to me that if something becomes something, it used to be something else, and I needed to find out what that something else was. So I started on the path. And in the on the path it tells us that rarely has a person fail who is thoroughly followed our path. Now I'm going to tell you I'm that intellectual, analytical person. So I wanted to know who are

well,

rarely has a person fell who was thoroughly found, followed our path. And I found out that the R was the 1st 100 men and women, and those first 100 men and women recovered.

That was a key for me. They were not recovering.

They had recovered and what they had recovered from was a seemingly hopeless state and mind and body, which is different than recovering or recovered from the use of drugs and alcohol.

Recovering from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body suggested to me that once I stopped drinking and using, I got some other things that need to change in my life.

That if I'm recovering from a seemingly hopeless seemingly meaning that it just appeared that I was going to be a hoe for the rest of my life.

Somebody said that yes look, she's just going to be a whole rest of her life. Y'all need to leave her alone.

Some of us. They called us dope fiend and the word fiend suggests devil. So we just gonna be little devils all the rest of our lives?

It appeared that I was hopeless and God made it appear like that so that He could show up and show up

because rarely has a person failed who was thoroughly followed our path.

So I admit that I was powerless and that my life had become unmanageable. And in the, in the 12:00 and 12:00 on the first step, in the first line, it says that until I admit complete defeat, see, because you can admit that you powerless, but if you're not defeated in your powerlessness, you stay powerless.

Because I'm to the understanding that once I do the necessary things that I'm supposed to do, then something miraculous is supposed to happen. Because you told me about some promises that I was going to get.

You said things like me, the men said to me, baby, you ain't got to do it like that.

You don't have to sleep with them and you, you don't have to sleep with him. And, and I didn't believe him and I slept with him and slept with them anyway

because I didn't know how to do anything else.

But then I, I, I stayed on the path

and, and, and I stepped up to the next step.

And it said that I had to come to believe in a power greater than myself

that would restore me to sanity.

It didn't say restore me back to sanity.

It didn't, you know, because people would change words, make people. And you know, you have to mean what you say and say what you mean. And if I didn't say I had to be restored back to sanity, it said I had to be restored to sanity. That's absolute. But I got to come to believe in a power that can restore me. Which suggests to me is that I can't put myself back in a sane state of mind

just by going to a meeting

in, just by getting a phone number,

just by going to the dance or the comedy show.

Oh, I know Arisha, let me just hang out with her. That'll probably have you writing a whole bunch of stuff.

Have you drink and one of the two.

But I gotta come to believe in a power greater than myself. Stop

a power greater than me. Don't you know who I am?

It's my thing. I do what I want to do.

I don't need know permission from nobody to do what I want to do. You think you are.

I gotta come to believe in a power now. I don't know about you, but I empowered by many things,

so I gotta come to believe in a power that is greater than the things that power me.

See,

I am powered by money.

Money can get me the things that I need and can buy anything or anybody when I need it. Oh, y'all act like y'all don't know nothing about that,

you know, Because before I got real sober

I could still buy a piece up in here. Everyone, it's been a while.

You know they have a fan around here that pimping ain't easy.

It really isn't when you a trick.

Oops. I'm sorry, you spell my name ARISAH.

But I have to come to believe in a power that's greater than myself. And I'm powered by money, so I got to come to believe in a power greater than money.

I'm powered by sex cause sex is a mind and a mood altering substance.

It makes you feel good.

Sex will take you to some places and do some things that you normally would not do because I love you

sober.

So I got to come to believe in a power that's greater than sex.

Who and it

put sex and money together on the same page? The Lord have mercy.

Who? What an order.

But then I find a bottom in those two and then I look at the X, the next one, and it is shopping. Now I'm shopping going to all the stores, credit cards maxed out. Dana gave me overdraft protection. I thought that meant that I could just spend until I got finished spending.

I didn't know I was supposed to put money back in after I overdraft.

I wonder why every time I check went direct deposit that I didn't have what they put deposited in it.

Who the isms?

So then I find myself in a depression

with some pecan praline and Oreo cookies

in the middle of the bed watching Law and Order.

I need to be restored to sanity.

So I got to come to believe in a power greater than all that that powers me, that powers me, that that makes me live that that makes me live without God

because I have things that will make me live without God.

So I gotta come to believe in a power greater than all that so that I can be restored to sanity. Because when I take the next step into the next journey, I'm gonna have to come to believe

in that power so that I can move on.

Because now I need to turn my life and my will over to the care of this power

as I understand it.

And if I don't understand that power, and that power is sex, money, men, drugs, alcohol, food, in that order,

and I have not come to believe in a power greater than none of that, how am I going to turn my life and my will over to the care of the power if I don't understand the power

whom they tell us that one is God. May you finding now, Oh baby, show look good. God show blessed me

girl. We was in the mall. We got blessed when we went on that sale for them shoes.

Girl. I was with the boot y'all last night. Lord have mercy, God was looking out.

So I gotta be real clear that when I'm looking at the things that power me, that I become power filled instead of powerful

because I need that feeling of that power to be able to continue this journey that I'm on.

Because see, when I came into the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous, I was really done for real. For real.

But I didn't really know what I was getting myself into because I just thought, 'cause I heard y'all say and I related, really got resentments and wrote about this, just don't drink and just don't use no matter what. That used to really get on my nerves.

We don't drink and we don't use. If one more person say that to me,

but then my son got shot 15 times

and I just didn't drink and I just didn't use.

And then my father died

and I just didn't drink and I just didn't use. And my mother had a couple of heart attacks and I just didn't drink and I just didn't use.

See this path? For me, what I found out is that my relationship with God changes every day. And right now it's changing again

because I need God for different things in different times and different parts and different ways in my life. And they say that this is not a religious program. This is a spiritual program. And God is forever, ever spiritual. But you can't do this unless you have a God of your understanding. And I don't care what you call,

because when I turn my life and my will over to the care of the power as I understood him, the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous told me what that definition of that was.

The Big Book defines that as deep down inside of everyone of us is a fundamental idea of who God is.

Really complicated,

but it is because if I got stuff piled on top of God

and I can't get to God inside me, and I see your God doing what he does for you, but I don't believe he's going to do that for me because after all, I should have been burning in hell. Let some people tell it,

but they didn't understand that I was actually already burning in hell,

living in hell, surviving in hell.

So once I am able to turn my life myself, my life, my being, my life is my breath,

I'm able to say, here you go, God,

I don't know a whole lot about you. I ain't trying to really find a whole bunch about you. But I know right now how I'm living right now. I want to live like that no more. And I'm telling you, we say that what we have dubbed as the dope freeing prayer, God, if you just give me all this one, I promise you I ain't going to do that no more. 12 1/2 years later, sober, I still say that prayer. God, if you Get Me Out of this one this time, I promise you I'm not going to do it no more.

And it still works

because God will keep giving me chance to see. Y'all won't give me a chance, but God will.

Y'all won't

see God will look beyond my faults and see my knees and in spite my little old raggedy self, he'll be like baby come on, let me brush you, let me brush you off. It's OK baby,

because he didn't make no jump.

I used to hear people say that you not unique, but then I read somewhere not only am I unique, I'm wonderfully made.

So I know that God got purpose in my life, but I have to align my purpose with God's purpose so that he can do what he wants to do. Recovery begins with one man and one woman or one addict or one alcoholic talking to another,

and that doesn't make any difference how much time you have.

So when I turn my life and my will over the care of this God, as I understood him, they told me then I take the next step, and when I take this step that it's going to rocket with me

to a new dimension, as if the dimension I was in wasn't enough.

Papa John's. Oh, no, Sir. But it said, but this is what I like about this. It didn't say that I was going to move into a new dimension. You know, I was going to step into it. It said I was going to be rocketed

and you can't. Have you ever seen a rocket take off? You know the spaceship, it just blows and goes straight up.

Fire stuff burn off, it goes into another atmosphere

and they said the way that I was going to be able to get into a new atmosphere. That means that things around me will start to change because I'm doing some work.

So I've I've admitted that I was powerless and that my life is unmanageable, and I've come to believe in a power greater than Arisha, and I've turned my life and my will over to the care of God as I understand Him. Now I got to make a searching and fearless

moral inventory and here is where most people get stuck.

And what I have found that if you get stuck on that step, you have lied in the first three steps

because if you come to believe in a power greater than yourself is going to restore you to the sanity. He's already given you some power to turn your life and will over to him. And when he geek, when he take control over it, now he's saying, baby, just step because you can walk fearless through this part of your new dimension,

'cause see, when I'm walking through that inventory and I'm looking at that stuff, those resentments of folk who don't even know I exist anymore, there's people who don't even care if I got a resentment with them. Folks that don't even know what my name is and I got a resentment with them

stuff out of had a resentment with since I was 5 and I'm 51 and I still got a resentment with it and my life is just stuck.

See and God is real cool the way he presents you because when you get into that third step, as he prepares you to rocket it into your new living, into your new dimension, He gives you something to say to him as you are on your way. And it says, God

Ioffer myself to the

to do with me, as you will see now that means you ain't got nothing else to do with it. Stop

if you stuck him for you lie in 1-2 and three because if you've offered yourself to God to do what you what you want him to do with you, it ain't your business no more.

But then I say God relieve me of the bondage of myself.

When I first heard that I said the bondage of myself. No, it's them people that list them for

people on that resentment list.

If then people just go away and do what they supposed to, I'm gonna be all right.

But I found myself in binding yourself pity.

I found myself in bondage of low self esteem.

I found myself in bondage of regrets.

I found myself in the bondage of what you thought of me.

I found myself in the bondage of what I thought about myself. I found myself in the bondage of my resentment with God

holding on to stuff that was inside of me, that I was looking good on the outside but was toe up on the inside.

And it's hard to see the man in the mirror when you don't know the man in the mirror.

And I would look every day trying to look for a change, but I couldn't see the change because it hadn't started in here.

So I asked him to relieve me of the bondage of myself, that I could

better do His will.

Which means now I no longer belong to Arisha,

but I belong to that power.

And he took me on a journey to look at the resentments and I

and look at how those things affected myself. Esteem myself works my pocketbook. I had my relationship with men and women.

My relationship with men and women personal relationship got taken from me at the age of 12 because my stepfather held a gun on my mother to make her have oral sex with me while he masturbated.

See I've recovered y'all need to hear me from a seemingly open state of mind and body

and my personal relationships with men and women. I could not stand men and I manipulated women.

I had to be relieved of the bondage of myself

and I looked at those things

and I was able to get to the other side of those things and look at the part I played.

And I remember getting to the part that I played and being molested by my uncles and my aunties and my grandfather and my stepfather.

And I was very saddened when I saw the part that I played because I had to be honest so that I could be relieved from the bondage of myself. Because y'all said things to me like you're only as sick as your secrets.

And the secret was I stopped getting molested at the age of 12.

And by that time I was home because I learned manipulation, because I learned that if I sit in daddy's lap and something happened in his pants, that he was going to give me $10 and I was going to take a drink of whatever was left on the table. So I can make that happen.

See, I don't know how free you wanna be. Maybe you think it's cute to be in Cocaine Anonymous

so but this shit ain't cute.

Excuse me,

see, when I came in here, I was. I was done and I really needed to know how to live. I got my best understanding about who God was was in these meetings watching people.

I had to learn not how to tell you the truth. I had to learn how to tell me the truth.

See, 'cause I lied to me,

and I'll tell myself that it's all right just so you can be happy. Not today.

I learned how to say no

and mean it

today. And when I look at the part that I played in all the stuff that I thought people was doing to me, it saddened me to know that my manipulation skills had gotten so good.

Played victim for a very very very very long time

and still today have nightmares about the things that happened to me in my childhood because I've let them go. But every once in a while, that demon wants to come because it wants to test me.

Because you can forgive, but forgetting is a whole different other thing.

So I tell God

and another human being

this information that I put on the paper, and we call that a fifth step.

And that information is supposed to be just shared with your sponsor, your spiritual advisor, or whoever.

I really didn't care about who knew what

because I really kind of felt the more people know, the freer I got

because I used to be worried about what people think about me. And people used to say that I don't care what people think about me. You know what, if I claim God, I care what people think about me.

Because if God is everything. One of the things that I found out is people used to. I used to hear people say God is either everything or he's nothing. But I have since learned that God is never going to be nothing. He's going to always be everything.

Always.

And so I must stay on this path, allowing him to guide me to where I need to be. And he has done that.

It's not a perfect thing and it's not a perfect path.

It's a whole lot of things. Sometimes I think that I've gotten rid of this. If you ever did this, say who I thought I was done with that and didn't show up again, you'd be like, damn, where did that come from? I thought I was done with that.

Or have you seen somebody in your path in your life that you hadn't seen in a while and you've done some stuff with them and you see them then your stomach started turning and stuff because you was like, damn, I did that person wrong

and hadn't planned on making amends to him because you thought you weren't gonna never see him no more.

Didn't you see him now? Your stomach turning, You think you need a hit but all you need is some freedom from the bondage of yourself.

Had that happen to me the other day. I had a person run up on me and said

I know you from somewhere and I said how many years ago was that,

'cause if it was 12 years ago I was cool I but if it was since I've been sober, oh, what? Because I had blackouts when I first got sober.

I woke up in bed with people when I first got sober and I hadn't had a drink and I hadn't had a hit Urban. I would wake up with them

sober,

but when y'all saw me, y'all saw this Creative, guiding, intelligent for Sister Risha. She was just so perfect

and I was home.

But I have since then. And for all of those who do not believe holes do recover and I am a recovered hoe

that is real

because probably a few years ago Doctor Dre made my theme song You Can't Make a Whole Housewife.

And I figured out why because the whole has to recover. Now I'm a housewife.

See, it's good when you know things about yourself that you can share comfortably, you know, because I know somebody in the back going, Oh no, she said. What?

All judgmental,

you know, how could she think, Oh my God, how could she say that about herself? Because I'm free from the bondage of myself.

And when you get free, it doesn't matter.

Because what I found when I was growing up, I spent half of my life doing what people wanted me to do and the other half of my life being what people wanted me to be. And I got

tired, all that,

and so I had to find out who I was so that I could be able to live.

And I wanted to be different, but people had made different. Seemed like it was a plague or something

and then I looked up the word different in the dictionary and it says not like another. I said, oh, I'm different,

not like another. Each and everyone of us are not only unique and wonderfully made, we are different.

And what works for me in the 12 steps might not work for someone else. So we should really stop comparing people by the time and the day we really should. We should just allow people to be on the path

because I tell you what I need in my life from God right now. You probably don't need it because we're in two different spaces at two different times. It's kind of like when we go to the dope man's house. We both show up same time, get the same amount of dope, go to our perspective wherever we go. But your experience with that dope is different than my experience with that dope. Same way with the big book of Alcohol Anonymous. It could be 50 of a sitting at a table and all 50 people going to get a different experience,

read the same words. And if we can allow each other to be able to grow like that without so much criticism and expectations, we would be a better fellowship.

I don't know where that came from, but you know, that's God.

What it's like for me today is that I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I remember hearing people say that, that,

that they were blessed behind, you know, above their wildest dreams. I used to hear sisters like Sister Julia say walking in their own brand of dignity.

Sister Clinton, I'm used to talk about that. And I used to sit back and and think, yeah, OK.

And they loved me until I found some dignity.

And I walk in my own

brand of dignity. I walk with a commandment of presence of God.

I want when you're in my presence, I want you to be able to see and feel God. I want you to understand the miraculous thing that he has done in my life. He bought a person who was pronounced clinically dead twice on a drug overdose. See that's why I know He has purpose for me, because he watched me flatline and say not come on.

And y'all say to whom much is given, much is required.

It's required and expected.

So I worked tirelessly.

The sun comes up and the sun goes down and I work tirelessly trying to guide women from all walks of life, helping women to accept themselves. See, you must know that you have to accept your own and be yourself. If you do not know who you are, you do not know where you're going.

And we come around and we play with this. See, this is an anonymous program, but we all brag about being addicts

and I have been in 15 programs. I hear people say,

and I say to people when I hear them say that if you've done the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous that's outlined the 1st 164 pages that is outlined in that book. If you've done that 15 times and you have not changed, you a damn lie

'cause you cannot do that and not change. Some part of your life is going to change. It might be so small that others that you can't see it, but others see it

'cause this is a life changing process.

When I was in the state penitentiary, I got my GED and I did a three to seven there, and I went to the federal penitentiary and I did 13 years and I got my bachelor's degree on a work release program.

I didn't know education was going to be important because I was too busy shooting though.

But I didn't want to work, so I went to school because the prisons I was in, you was either picking, picking pecans or strawberries or potatoes. They had you in the field massing them with playing.

They're like y'all going out there 4:00 in the morning. They had them hats on. Oh no, I'm not going out there. OK, when you going to do this and go to school? OK, so I went to school

not knowing what God was gonna do, and I got a bachelor's degree in the federal penitentiary in business.

I was afforded a couple of years ago to get my master's degree in social work, and this year in January, I went from hopeless home to Doctor Risha Muhammad with a PhD.

All because I turned my life in my will over to the care of God as I understood Him. Now that I'm at this part of my life, I've started my own private practice, my husband got me in office, started my own private practice, and I want to work with women

to get us in the community to do the things that we need to do. We need to take care of our babies,

fathers, we need to be men to our sons and we need to help show y'all how to get there.

The population now, today, the children that are born today are fearless, but they need direction. And those of us who have been on that path, we need to get out there and we need to help them. And we can start in our own homes.

And as we start in our homes, then we go out into the community,

it doesn't take but a couple hours a day to take some time with a child who needs a mother's love or a father's heart to give them some help. I work with a facility that allows me to go in and help mothers get into treatment so that they don't lose their children. And it's sad when I see a mother struggling for her life because she's having a problem with crack cocaine and methamphetamine and she really wants to be a parent. Because see, one thing about a mother,

if she's on drug doesn't mean she doesn't love her children. It just means that she don't know how to get away from that drug long enough to take care of her children. And it's the same thing with fathers. I am starting to see a lot of single fathers and it's the same thing. We're not bad people. We just get caught up and we have to get our way back to that. And God has saved each and every one of your lives here for purpose.

For purpose,

you need to be real clear that the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous didn't get you sober.

Your sponsor don't keep you sober. Going to a meeting and a dance don't keep you sober either. The Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous says they are spiritual tools that are laid at our feet and if we don't pick up those tools, then we get loaded.

And most often times when we get loaded, it is because we want to, not because we have to.

Did you hear that

We get loaded because we want to

and and when we take that hit, that's the one we want to take. Now the ones that come after that, that's them have to

you understand.

So when it comes up in your mind as a brilliant idea and you've been sitting around here a few Saturday nights, the hey, taking one might sound good. Remember, that's the one you want to take. Think about the ones you're going to have to take after you take that one

because it's sure to come once you set off the phenomenon and nama, nama, nama, nama, nama,

you gonna be off and running

and be waking up talking about how did I get here again? People be talking about, well, I got a whole lot of yes. Hell, I ain't worried about you. I'm worried about again because I'll just go right back to again. I, I, you know, yeah, I think I pretty much have done it all. So that's why it keeps being again, over and over and over again.

This is an awesome process and to the newcomer,

be very careful

and listen.

Listen means let it in. Never go to a meeting to see what somebody's talking about. Always go to a meeting to hear what is being said because you can only hear the message if you let it in. They say that we don't. We only listen for the similarities, but I would encourage you to listen to the differences as well

because I listen to the differences and the similarities and both have helped me to grow,

they said. I didn't have to dance with everybody, but I had to dance with somebody. But I just danced with a few people

don't need a whole bunch. This is a beautiful, beautiful fellowship of men and women. They said that we would normally not meet. I beg to differ. If we all start getting loaded in here, we mix.

I'd be your friend.

You know that ugly girl you didn't want to talk to? Let her get her here.

That boy. Did you say what he got their clothes on for? I'm getting hit. He looked good all of a sudden. Girl,

so

we have fun around here.

Please know that this program works and it works very well. I am so thankful my grandmother got the opportunity. My grandmother passed a couple of years ago at 106 years old and and she got to see me sober and she got to know that I got my wonderful husband. My husband is a blessing to me.

I thank God for him because the only person that knows me better than him is God because he knows me

and, and he's very patient with me. And sometimes he just looks at me as he did today and just shakes his head

saying I ain't messing with you. But he's very patient. And I have some good sisters in my life that support me. And I have family today. You know, my family is 3000 miles away in Omaha, NE and I hear from my family and Cocaine Anonymous more than I hear from them. And that's a blessing to be able to have people like that who love you and care about you.