The Northern Plains Group in Fargo, ND

Jesus,

good evening. My name is Jeff Van Lanningham and I'm an alcoholic

because of God, the actions of A and sponsorship. My sobriety date is March 16th, 1992.

I have a cold. So I want to warn you right now, I know I'm not saying it for sympathy, more as an excuse. So if I seem a little out of breath or a little scattered brain, that's why I'm happy to be here tonight. And I want to thank this group for asking me back. It's always a honor and privilege and certainly special to me to come to the Northern Plains group, having been a member of this group for three years. And I know a lot of people here and I have a lot of close relationships,

and that's one of the nice things about Alcoholics Anonymous. Come on by. And

so so Mike Kitland used to come into his first early on meetings running in

one of the nice things about

being an alcoholic synonymous

is seeing people's lives change. Sometimes I have difficulty seeing a work in my life, but I can often times see it very clearly work in other people's lives. And I was just I want to thank both our 10 minute speakers. They both did a great job. I was really kind of tickled to see Brian as a ten. I've known Brian all his sobriety and, and his sobriety before that and the sobriety before that. And

we

we identify with each other and relate, I think. And he's come a long way last last fall. To give you an idea how far he's come last fall, I think it was last fall. It was sometimes last year, Brian called me one night about two in the morning drunk and he just said, Jeff, this is Brian. And I'm calling to say goodbye. And I'm like, what's what's going on? Pepe you off to Hawaii again? And

no, no, he said. I'm, I'm committing suicide

and I'm like, well, what's what's going on? I mean, what are you doing? He said. Well I am right now currently having a heart attack but I'm refusing to call an ambulance and

I didn't know what to do on that. I'm like,

do I 12 step call this guy or And

so anyway,

as many of you know, I got a call. I'll just share it with you. I got a call this morning as I do from a lot of the guys that I sponsor on their sobriety birthday. And today is Dave Kay's seven-year birthday. And and that's part of the reason I'm actually here is that I was to present Dave with his cake. Dave and Heather have been members of this group since Dave since its conception and Heather since very early on

matinee and got married. And of course, they're not here tonight because

they've had a little bit of a scare. Heather, who's 29 weeks into her pregnancy, was brought into the hospital today and was told that this baby is apparently coming. And as if you're not good at knowing what weeks mean, which I wasn't, I had to ask Dave right away. What does 29 weeks mean? It's it's early. It's quite early actually. But I want to tell you, I'm assuming Dave will celebrate his birthday next week. And so I probably won't be here for that. So I want to tell you what I saw today was a man

nothing like what he was seven years ago.

I saw a man call me this morning going under some very difficult circumstances. I mean, anyone of us by my nature is an alcoholic. I don't do well with uncomfortable reality and I certainly don't do well with situations where my baby is coming 11 to 12 weeks early. I don't. And what I do when things like that happen is I run and I get drunk because I don't know how to deal with those kinds of things. Those kinds of things piss me off. Those kinds of things justify every bad action I could ever take. And what I saw today with Dave was a man who was walking hand in hand with

of God. I just saw it in his voice. I've been talking to him all day long. We've even been laughing in the face of disaster as we learn to do an alcoholic synonymous. One point. I told him, Dave, Jesus, you know this kid's parents, both so alcoholic, of course they're coming early. They're impatient. I mean, come on.

And

I don't know if things always workout. Being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't mean that things always are going to workout the way that I want them to. It means that I'm always going to be taken care of regardless of how they end up. But this group, we've had some bad things happen. And tonight we're going to celebrate some good things. We just got word that Dave and Heather had a healthy baby little girl and.

They didn't name it Jeff, but apparently,

apparently Dave's not that grateful.

God talking about priorities to Dave called me this morning about 7:30 and his first words out of his mouth. He's like, chief, I want to thank you for my sobriety and everything you've done. And then he told me what was going on. So I, I have a great amount of respect for Dave and I'm very, very happy for him and Heather that things worked out. Anyway, I'm alcoholic and I'm glad to be here. As I said, I was looking around the room tonight and this meeting's gotten so big and it's, it's just great to be in it and part of it. And I, I, I envy you people for having an opportunity to be part of such a wonderful fellowship.

I don't know how many people I saw a few raise their hand as being new. And I want to welcome you if you are in your first week, first month, first year, whatever you may be. If I was here for my first time and I was in my first week, I'll tell you what my take on this meeting would be. I would be looking around right now thinking, you know, this is a nice place. This really seems great. And I'm glad that so many people have come here and got help. Unfortunately, it's not going to work for me. I just intuitively am going to know that this kind of a thing will not work for me because I've spent most of my life trying to fix what's wrong with me. I have.

He's known that there is something wrong with me. I am not someone who I was doing great and just successful at life and then took a drink of alcohol and it took me down a wicked path. And then once I stopped, I got back on that great path again. I was screwed up long before I ever took a drink. And I've spent a great majority of my life feeling like I just don't belong anywhere. I just don't seem to know where I belong or what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. And nobody's ever said or done anything to make me feel this way. It's just comes across that way. I make comparisons. I make goofy comparisons that Once Upon a time I wouldn't even dare

to people, but I compare the way other people say hello to each other and then I compare it to the way they said hello to me. And I think things like, well, Jesus, they didn't seem genuine when they said hello to me. They do with each other. They're all having fun and, and I look at things like that. I tend to get my feelings hurt a lot. And I don't know why because my mind tells me they're just joking, Jeff. They don't mean what they're saying. Don't let it bother you. But it does. And I can't seem to find a way to stop it. I don't feel like anyone really understands me. And I've never really felt like any of my friends were buddies.

This is how I go through life sober. This is what's wrong with me. I've got a racy mind that's constantly going. I've got perception problems. I'm highly sensitive and it can be uncomfortable at times. And I don't like feeling that way. And I've always wanted to be someone else. I spent a great deal of my time going through identity crisis when I was growing up. You ever done this? I mean, just always. I was always doing different things.

I mean, you could probably if you added it all up. I bet a Goodyear of my life has been spent playing air guitar in front of a mirror. And

granted, I looked very cool,

you know, and I've wanted to be a rock star and I've wanted to be, I got into bicycling. I wanted to be a BMX star when I was young and when had to go out. And my mentality being alcoholic is, you know, I want to be a BMX her. I want to I see these guys and they're doing all this cool stuff. So the first thing you have to do, buy the most expensive bike out there, because assuming I do that, that somehow should make me good, not keeping in mind I'm not going to practice at anything. I'm not going to do anything, pay my dues. And so these are the kinds of things I would do always really with the motive though, of trying to find my spot in life, of trying to find a spot where I could finally just say

it. This is where I belong. This is what I have been missing. Cause I've known for a long time I am missing certain aspects of myself that shouldn't be gone. And it seems like if other people get too close to me, they're going to notice that about me. And so I finally found an answer for what was wrong with me when I was 15. I've tried a lot of different things and nothing seemed to work. And I had an opportunity to drink. So keep in mind what I said at the beginning, I was not doing well and then got drunk and got into trouble. I was looking for a solution to a problem I didn't even understand,

and the answer presented itself in the form of alcohol. Alcohol has an ability to go inside of Maine and fill up all these holes. People talk about this black ball. I've heard it described a lot of different ways in Alcoholics Anonymous. But I've walked around with this black ball inside of me that has all these tentacles, all these different little holes, and just depending upon the day is depending upon how I'll feel. Some days it's that I'm not being treated special enough. Some days it's that I'm not getting enough attention. Some days it's that no matter what I seem to accomplish, it's not enough, and it's never good enough in my own mind. Nobody's telling me any of these things. I just cannot

satisfaction and happiness out of this life in and of myself. But when I have an opportunity to drink, that seems to all change. It seems to finally turn me into the person that I've been wanting to be. Mike, I told you to get rid of these mosquitoes. It seems to turn me into the person that I've always wanted to be because I can remember Gary and I were talking about this on the way to Park Rapids this weekend, but we were joking around. We were drinking. Was it a rock star? We were drinking or what was it?

All right. Thanks Gary for the help.

Way to freeze up when the pressure's on.

We're drinking something and we were joking around and doing something, but every time we'd say something funny, we'd we'd toast each other's big cans or whatever the hell it was. That's only bad.

Anyway, and that's how I felt when I drank. I instantly felt this camaraderie with people that an hour before I was sitting there secretly thinking if they knew who I really was, they wouldn't like me. If they knew the kind of things that I thought, if they knew what a emotional wussy I am, they wouldn't want to be my friend. They wouldn't want me out with them right now at this party. They'd want me to get the hell out. That's how people would feel. But when I'm drunk, it doesn't feel that way anymore. I identify on levels with people that I cannot seem to identify. I get very comfortable with myself and my surroundings.

I spend a great deal of my time wishing I was somewhere else with someone else doing something else. Another way of describing it is our book puts it is that I am restless, irritable and discontent. That's the natural state of an alcoholic. Sober, restless, irritable and discontent. I'm restless. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need, but it's not this. Maybe I'll move. No, I think I'm going to change jobs.

No, I think, you know, all these different things. I'm irritable. I'm tired of feeling this way, and I'm tired of other people seemingly having it easier than me. You know, there's a lot of different definitions for self pity, but one that I like is the intermittent belief that things are harder for me than other people.

Jesus, I've had that my whole life. Not only that, I've known it was true and

that's one big difference between me and the rest of you. You all think it, it's really true for me and

and I'm discontent. I am discontent in that it's never enough, it's never the right kind, it's never in the right amount. It just didn't come. It just, it's not there. And that's how I feel. Drinking takes all of that away. I'm quoting out of the doctor's opinion. So sure, this is nothing I've come up with, but drinking provides a sense of ease and comfort. What a great way of describing it to that's really what I am looking for is just a sense of ease and comfort. Just an idea that it's going to be OK and that's what alcohol can do for a person like me. I get so comfortable. I start sharing truth with people.

You ever done that? You know, God, I'm feeling good with my new best friend here, what's his name. And I think it'd be good idea for me to share some of my deepest, darkest fears. Yeah, that's a good idea. Or I'd want to help other people with what I assumed would be they would be sensitive about. So I'd start bringing up things that you really socially acceptable people you don't bring up. You know what I mean?

Guy had a bunch of acne and nothing against that, but I can remember walking up to him drunk saying, and I'm trying to be helpful. I think in my heart this is going to be helpful. But saying you know, God, I bet that acne sucks man.

You know what, where you going and trying to help?

I felt awkward as a kid.

I didn't like myself physically very much. I didn't like any number of things I didn't like about myself. It seems to me that my nose matured before my body caught up to it, and that was always a sensitive area for me

moving in. I heard you laughing at that. I

alcohol makes me very comfortable with who I am physically. Everything about me is should be envied everything. It's just God. Of course I am good looking. My God, I can't believe I've never seen it before, but just look at me and because I don't feel good looking. I mean, I was talking to over the weekend and I was talking about it seemed to me and this could be perception, but I unfortunately think this might be truth. I was never pursued by any women in school. They were always pursuing my buddies. I was always the guy. They'd come up here, give Brad this note.

You give Brad a God damn note,

who's got a note for me?

Still makes me mad, come to think of it. I'll work that one through the steps I

and,

and, and when I'm when I'm drunk, I don't feel that way. And I'm not hurt feelings by any of that. And I'm not jealous of Brad and I'm not offended by her and I just am comfortable. That's what alcohol can do for me. And it's a wonderful feeling. One story I promised I'd share this. I did an idiotic alcoholic mind you have to understand. And I was joking around this weekend saying, you know, I think growing up I had attention deficit disorder. Well, really, what do you mean? I didn't get enough attention. That's what I mean.

And

I, I was at a party one night. We were up drinking on this really steep incline. And this is the kind of thing that when I'm drunk makes sense to me. I'm standing there. It just seemed to me, I'm sure this isn't the way it was, but it seemed to me there was a group of people over here all drinking, having fun, laughing, toasting each other. And then I'm standing over here by myself. Now that's probably not true, but that's how it felt. And I'm looking at this thinking I'm not getting enough attention at this party and I'm tired of it. And I'm going to rectify this situation because I'm now super Jeff and I'm drunk

and I have good ideas and this is what I'm going to do. If I fell down this Cliff, that would get people's attention

very moseyed on over and took a look down. I'm like, yeah, that's what I need to do. If I fall down this Cliff, then people will spend and pay attention to me and that's a great idea. So my first thought was, well, just throw yourself off of it. They're not. Wait, no, no, why would I just throw myself off of it? That would look stupid. I'm going to pretend I fell. That'll look good. And so I did this big drunken theatrical, you know,

off I go.

And I remember by that in the third tumble thinking, Jesus, this thing's higher than I thought. I

this wasn't a hurt myself plan. This was just get attention and God damn, we were high. And

those are the kinds of things I'll do when I'm drunk.

So when people came out of the woods and there's always well meaning people that want to talk to you about your drinking, it just didn't apply to me. I know you mean well and I appreciate it and thank you and I understand. Yeah, I get it. I get it. I know I got potential. I'm killing myself. I've heard it all before. But you don't understand. You give me an answer for why I'm uncomfortable after I stop drinking and we'll talk. But until that time, you don't understand. You're going to take away the one thing that seems to work for me and that really was my mentality. And I'm skipping around and time is not permitting me to get into all the boring details. But I went through treatment a couple different times and

a lot of different things happen. I've had a lot of signs from God that it's time to quit drinking, which I ignored. I got arrested in Mexico one time, and yeah, that's a bad deal, let me tell you. And my only thought after the whole thing I got out of it alive was, well, I think God's telling me I should not go to Mexico anymore. And

I've never been back.

I remember leaving

for treatment for the last time. I lived actually here in Fargo, Moorhead, and I remember leaving

and just completely destitute and hopeless. I mean, the guys I lived with didn't even say goodbye to me. They were all out drinking somewhere. I had no friends. I had no hope I had. I mean, myself, Esteem was gone. And I remember I was looking in the rearview mirror of my car as I was driving West on the Interstate. I was heading off to Mandan to go to Hartview and I could see Fargo in the rearview mirror thinking this town just killed me. I mean, I came down here with such high expectations and I'm leaving such an utter loser and I have no idea what I'm going to do. And I was so scared and

hopeless and I went to treatment and treatment introduced meat Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's where I got, at the age of 21, started going to meetings and I started doing what I thought made me comfortable. Somebody told me that you got to do what makes you uncomfortable here, Jeff, just do what makes you comfortable. They forgot to tell me that philosophy is what brought me to a in the 1st place, But I didn't know that then. And so I'd go to meetings when I thought I should, and I'd leave my problems on the table, not realizing they were following me back out the door and

took no constructive action to get better. Six months later, I was sober and I was crying and I was suicidal

and I couldn't understand what was wrong. Everyone had always told me if you'd just quit drinking, you'd be fine. And yet here I am again, right back where I am, and I'm restless, irritable and discontent and I'm hopeless again and I'm full of fear. And the idea of taking a drink or killing myself seems awfully appealing because I just want to make it stop for a little while and I just want to make it go away. And that's what happened to me. And I ended up at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, by the grace of God. And I got some advice that night at that meeting, including that I should get a Home group and get involved. Home groups are great because they allow you to hook into

looks anonymous. The other thing I was told that night was to get a sponsor. And I've been running around without one. And I finally thought, OK, I'll get a sponsor. And I remember thinking, you know, I'm going to bestow a great honor upon somebody asking to sponsor me and looked around to who looked the most prestigious. That's how people like me pick sponsors. And that guy's got a crowd of people around him laughing, he will be my sponsor. And went over and asked him and said no. And six other people said no. And which is good for me. I tell that story a lot, but it's a good thing to remember because it brought me to a point

willingness. See, Scott was my first sponsor, who's here tonight, and I would have never asked him. He was way too happy and positive. And it's like something's up with that guy and I don't want to be around it. But I had nowhere to go and I had nothing to do. And so I made a deal that night and I asked Scott to sponsor me. And he tells the story differently, but I have the more accurate recollection. Scott was only three years sober, I was six months. So, but we sat on, we were at Hardee's, and I remember I was treating it like a job interview because I'd been turned down by all these people. I don't know what the Hell's wrong with me.

So by the time I asked Scott, I'd be sitting there. Be like Scott, look, I've given this a lot of thought. You know, when our ages are similar and we both went to more at state and flunked out and you know, we got a lot of similarities and a lot of things going for us. So maybe you could sponsor me. He'd said yes like 5 minutes prior. But I just kept babbling on with my reasons on why he should sponsor me. And when I finally shut up, he said, listen, here's what I want you to do. We're going to,

I think he said that. He phrased it that you're going to participate in your own recovery. And I didn't know what the hell that meant. It didn't sound good to me, I can tell you. But I wish I was one of those people who who could see the light. I wish I could stand here and look at people and say, really, you took these actions that were uncomfortable and inconvenient. Your life got better. I'm going to do the same thing. Great. I don't do that, though. I stand by and do the bare minimum. I do the absolute bare minimum of what I need to to be comfortable. And when the pain of life gets too great, that's when I finally start to open up to taking actions that I don't.

Take And I was at that point, I was at a point where I was willing to do anything because I was so tired of being me.

You got to remember, I am six. I was just as sober then as I am now, but I was so sick and tired of being me. I was so sick of feeling this way, so tired of feeling full of fear and full of hopelessness and anxiety and guilt. And the problem with anxiety and guilt, by the way, with Alcoholics is half the time we don't even know why we have it. I mean, I walk around, I feel guilty sometimes it's just out there. It's like, what's the matter? I'm guilty or did you do something? I don't think so. I just I'm guilty, you know, and I'm so guilty, in fact, that when I finally do something bad, it's almost a relief. You know, it's like, Ah, that's why I feel felt guilty.

I knew. I knew I'd be stealing from this convenience store. I must be psychic.

So Scotts got me participating in my own recovery, which is a nice way of saying that I'm taking a whole bunch of actions that I don't want to take. First of which is that I'm going to get involved in a Home group when he's got me showing up early and we're staying late and he's always talking A But more than that, I don't get into this as much as I should. Scott's words didn't impress me. I could easily dismiss anything he was saying as BS and did quite frequently. Sorry Scott.

What impressed me was his actions.

And I've never, it's the first time I'd ever come into contact with someone who was taking actions to be helpful to me with seemingly asking nothing in return because he'd never asked for anything ever. All he ever wanted me to do was join him, just come along. He never said anything. He never asked me for gas money, by the way. Like two years ago, you finally gave me a bill on all the money I owe you. But I'll get on the immense. But he never asked me for anything. He just showed me what Alcoholics Anonymous is. And that's the gift.

Bought it in a book, and I can hear about it from a podium. But I need to see things to really believe in them. And I saw what Alcoholics Anonymous has to offer. I saw people living away a life that I wanted to live. More importantly, I saw people living a way of life that they seem to be like me. Remember what I said at the beginning? If I'm new and I'm sitting at this meeting, I'm thinking a is a nice place, but it doesn't work for me because I've walked around with a shroud of difference that you're not like me. You don't really understand. And yeah, I kind of identify with you, but I kind of don't. You know, you're wearing a black coat and I'm wearing Gray. We're not alike. And I will find any difference that I can in Alcohol

Anonymous to allow me to get out of here, which is an odd thing too, because I've spent my whole life trying to fit into the crowd until I got here. And all of a sudden, any microscopic difference I'm magnifying into a big, big deal. So anyway, I've got this sponsor and he is showing me Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm crazier than hell. I'm just running around. And we had a call time, but I was calling him four or five times in between call times. And I was always frantic about something. I was always in an uproar about something. And I'm dying, Scott, you don't understand. I'm dying. What's wrong? I don't know, I'm just going crazy. And this girl looked at me funny. And somebody who asked me to borrow money and

I didn't have the money to borrow women, all that never actually happened. But

I was the guy asking to borrow money. But

all these different things. And the nice thing about Alcoholics Anonymous is that it really doesn't care why you take its actions. It's not interested in what your motive is. It's not interested in what your intent is. It's interested in what you do. And, and I had all kinds of different motives. The the worst motive that I thought I had, my real motive, to be quite honest with you, was to impress Scott. Scott did something that no one had done with me in a long time. He gained my respect. And once I respect you, I want you to like me and I will do anything. Keep in mind, I'm a guy who's done anything to get people to like him. So really I'm just repeating this behavior

now. It's in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm starting to do things to impress my sponsor, things that I don't think are going to work. I can remember being at the median and we'd be more milling around, you know, we always had to be there early to greet. And I'd be standing there and I'd see some new guy and I'd just get right on him. Hey, hey, hey, I'm Jeff, how you doing? Come here. I want you to meet somebody. And I drag him right over to my sponsor. You know, this is what's your name again? But Bob, he's new, you know, and, and trying to act like I was well and goofy. But as I said, it doesn't matter what my intent was. What's important is that I was doing the right thing and slowly,

surely, Alcoholics Anonymous started to change the way I think. Hence, because I changed the way I act, I've spent my whole life trying to think my way into better living, always convinced that tomorrow it's going to be different. Come Monday, I got a list of things that I'm going to do and I'm going to finally become this person that I'm happy and content with. And it never happens for me. Monday never comes for me on things like that. And so I blow it off and wait till the next week or the next day, but it's always tomorrow. It's never today. Well, Alcoholics Anonymous is the 1st place I've ever found where I can actually tap into the power to change. That's what I need to do. I'm not happy with myself. I don't like

myself, I don't like the person I've become, but I lack the needed power to change. I don't know how you don't have to tell me who I want to be. I know that. I've known that since I was a young kid. I just can't seem to do it. Alcoholics Anonymous has allowed me to tap into some of those things and change. And that does not mean that things have become wonderful. You know, sometimes the impression in Alcoholics Anonymous is given is that, you know, if you're here and you do these things, you're going to become wonderful and things bad will never happen to you. And that's not true. As I said before, it's, it's about I can live in life on life's terms. That's what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me.

Let me give you an example. I've been sober for 13 years and I've had the greatest things in the world happen to me and I've had some of the most horrible things in the world happen to me. I've been fired from a job double the amount of time I was fired when I was drinking in sobriety. You know, I was two years sober. I got fired from a hotel and I stormed into the managers office and keep. I'm an active member of A and now you got to remember. And I stormed into the manager's office and I said, this is an outrage. I'm convinced that people were plotting against me to get me fired. And I demand to know why you fired me. She said, yeah, it's easy, Jeff. You just didn't seem like you wanted to work.

I had no comeback for that. I'm like, Oh, well, yeah, you got me there.

I thought it was a witch hunt, but

when I was 10 years sober, I got fired again from a job and that was a tough one to swallow. I just three months prior to this big party where I stood up there and thought I was wonderful and then people, I get fired. But what I've learned is that through bad times, I've learned my reliance and my dependency upon Alcoholics Anonymous, my sponsor and God will carry me through. There is nothing that I can get into that those three things cannot get me back out of. That's just the bottom line that is proven out of fact now for me. I'm not telling you what other people have said. I'm telling you what I have lived. And that's the nice thing about being an A for this long is that I've started to actually see Alcoholics

Anonymous work in my life. As I said, I've been strolling along on this journey. The book talks about trudging the happy road to destiny. And that's really what it is. It's a trudge. Sometimes it's like wet mud and we just keep going forward and things happen and good things happen. I'm about 5 years ago, I made a list, somebody told me, make a list of 50 things that you want to accomplish in your life before you die and put no restrictions of reality on it. This is 1 task I'm good at, trust me, because I've been spending my whole life daydreaming with no restrictions of reality. And

I made this list and I put down these 50 things that I wanted to do

and then I put it in a drawer somewhere and I didn't really think about it or forgot about it. Well, I found it last year and I remember when I wrote the list thinking if I could cross off five of these things, I've lived a hell of a life. And I meant that. You got to understand I put some outlandish things on there and I found that list and I already had eleven of them that I had accomplished in Alcoholics Anonymous, including ones that when I wrote them down I thought were absurd. One of the things I wrote down I wanted to do was write an award-winning ad campaign. I've never taken a marketing class, for God's sakes.

Like, how are you gonna write an award-winning marketing campaign? I'll tell you how. You're going to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous when you're 10 years sober. You're going to get fired, apparently, because you don't like to work at that job either. And

it's a trend, and

people and Alcoholics Anonymous, good friends and Alcoholics Anonymous are going to call you and they're going to assure you that we're going to do everything we can to take care of you. They're going to help you get a job in a different company. And you're going to move away from a group that you love, but you're going to go to a new group that will become home for you. And you're going to learn once again, the lesson that regardless of where I am, I am home with Alcoholics Anonymous. The faces may change. The places we meet may change what God doesn't

my my relationship to a a doesn't. And you get this job and you don't know what the hell you're doing. And you have people who are very understanding and you've been taught by a sponsor that if you want to be successful, you show up. That's how you be successful.

And so you start showing up to a job that you clearly have no idea what you're doing and you're constantly fearful that you're going to be found out that you have nothing of idea what you're doing. And by showing up, things happen. And one day you throw an idea on the table and say, hey, why don't we do this for an ad? And they take it and run with it and they print it in a magazine. And then six months later you get a letter that says your ad just won an award and you go, hey, I'm going to go cross that off my list and Alcoholics Anonymous. That is how you can do things like that. And the possibilities are endless here in AI truly believe that I don't have, as I said, I don't have a wonderful

life. I have a life. And when I got here, nobody told me it would be wonderful. They told me I'd get a chance to live life. And it's got ups and downs, good and bad. I would not trade it for the world. The thing that I have today that I never had before is hope. I have hope that regardless of where things are at, I can get better. Scott and I talked about this a lot. We talk about sometimes I get on down on myself and I think I'm not the father I want to be. I wish I could spend more time with my kids. I wish sometimes I could be more interested in their activities. But I have to remember Alcoholics Anonymous, Will, that's my thinking. Alcoholics Anonymous, though, what it's done for me is I'm not the father that I could be either.

I've never once in any way, no matter how bad or today I've had and how stressful I've had taken it out of my children. They have never seen me in any way act badly to their mother. That's the things that Alcoholics Anonymous is doing for me. I can get so caught up in what I think I need and what I think I'm supposed to have that I forget that. See, I've got to keep my eye on the ball. And so I've got to have a sponsor. I have a sponsor today. I call them Wednesdays at 8:00 AM. I'll call them tomorrow morning and I'm looking forward to it because I like talking to him. He's a great man and I respect him a lot and I just go forward. I have a lot of guys that I sponsor and I look forward to seeing what's going to happen in their life. It's very exciting. Dave had a baby.

Where have people getting married? It's a pleasure. It's an honor to be involved in this. I have a life that I couldn't have imagined. And if I just slow down and enjoy it, it's awesome. It really, truly is awesome. And I'm so happy to be here and so glad that I've been able to be a part of this thing because I'd have missed it all after my own thinking. I would have missed the whole thing. You know, one last thing I'll mention and then I'll sit down.

I'm very excited tonight because when I started talking to you tonight at 8:00, my wife was attending her first Al Anon meeting and I wanted that for the 11 years that we've been together.

But I've never said anything because A has taught me not to. I've dropped subtle hints, but,

and I'll tell you why I'm excited, I'll tell you the real amazing thing about it.

My first reaction was not wow, this is going to be good for me. Actually, quite the opposite. My second reaction was, well, what the Hell's response are going to think about me?

My first reaction was good because I want my wife to be exposed to the wonderful thing that this program has to offer. And if you can find it now, and Heidi's not lucky enough to be alcoholic, but far from it. She's pathetic actually, as a drinker, but she's been with me 11 years and a lot of sickness is rubbed off, I'm happy to say. And, and she's going to get some help. And I'm ecstatic for, I'm absolutely ecstatic for that. She has an opportunity like that. So

my life is right where it's supposed to be,

and there's things that are going to get better and there's things that I'm coming to accept. You're just going to be that way, and that's fine with me. I'm very pleased, very happy to be here and very hopeful for the future. I want to thank you for having me tonight. God bless.