The 42nd Annual New Hampshire Convention in North Conway, NH

Hi there, my name is Mary there. I'm an alcoholic

and I want to thank Danielle and Rich for persisting to ask me to come.

I have to wait a minute. Sorry if they are gone,

it's just a real privilege to be back in New England. I

I'm now from Santa Fe in the winter, but I still have a place in Maine and this past year was the first year I've been out in Santa Fe. It was the best year to be away from New England, let me tell you.

Not everybody was very happy with me because I would call and say hi from sunny Santa Fe

and I'm not sure

I just talked at some place. So now I'm going to have to think for a minute here.

Actually, I will tell you that last week, I, I've, I've had the privilege for a while now in recovery to, to really speak in different areas in our country. And

it's, it's unbelievable, the family

and the people in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I never wanted to be a speaker. I just felt as though that really wasn't where I wanted to do anything. I just wanted to sit in the back and sit on my hands and be invisible.

This was not something that I thought was a great goal to be doing. And about 18 years ago or 1989, I moved out to New Mexico to go to a small school. It was a woman by the name of Doctor Elizabeth Kubler Ross. She had

a program out there, a two year degree in Hospice and grief counseling. She's a lot of people might not know who she is. She's famous, I think mainly for the five stages of grief. And, and I had always liked what she wrote and had the opportunity to go out there. And when I get out there, they had a little

a convention up in Taos and they asked me if I would share. And I thought my sponsor had always said to me,

you only have to do it once, whatever they ask you. And a a you just have to do once, at least try it and find out if that's where you belong or where you fit in Alcoholics Anonymous. So I spoke at that conference and I thought, thank God that's over with. Well, little did I know that they were taping it. And I want to just thank the taper

now. I want to thank the taper because the taper has a lot of tapes. And for you people, especially when you live up here in New England, it's wonderful to hear other than just in small meetings, you sometimes hear the same people all the time. But

I,

I've got to say, there's a lot of people in my life in recovery that are no longer with me, but they're with me on the tapes and I'm, and I'm eternally grateful for that. So I've been taped and the next time I was to speak was at a little conference in Brownwood, TX, and they called me up and I went down and it and it's called Woman to women. And it's a conference that bridges the gap between a A women and Al Anon women.

And I'm here to say I'm a double winner and I'm proud of it.

I think that there's enough diversity

and this is a family illness and I'm I have to have a lot of respect for the Al Anon's and I'm very grateful for them. Anyway, I went to this conference 17 years ago. It was their 15th annual one and it was the second time I'd ever spoken. And the woman that was my roommate was the Alan. Her name was Rusty Kelly and she was a lovely, lovely woman. And I was a wreck. I thought, I can't do this. I don't want to do this talking and so forth.

And she said to me, she said, you know, I used to feel the same way. And she said, Johnny Harris told me that your phone won't ring

unless God wants you to speak.

And ever since then I've realized this is not about Mary Thayer and this is about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And hopefully I can demonstrate what God has done for me over the last 34 years.

I had the privilege of being in Brownwood, TX again last weekend. They asked me back to speak and I came away from that conference proud to be a woman. Proud to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I had so much fun. Just so much fun. Now in Texas,

they're really something. They really are. The women there are amazing. And when I walked in, it looked like a fashion show, for heaven's sake. They were unbelievable. And they have so much bling.

I just got hysterical. All of them need a sling to hold up their five carat diamonds. It is amazing to see what these women do. But they have fun with it. They really have fun with it. So I got ready to talk and I happened to have been wearing the same thing last Friday night

in Brownwood, TX. And I looked over at one of my hostesses or one of the committee and I said, you know that bracelet that would match my outfit. And she took it off

and she said you may wear it. And by the end of the evening, in my talk, she said you can keep it. And I said, you know something, this really is not what we do in New England.

But we need to loosen up, ladies.

We need a little bling in our life, you know,

And I told them out of respect to that conference, I was going to bring and wear this and not be ashamed. It is tastefully gaudy.

Great people.

It happens to have been the first woman to woman. And from that little conference there's been 41 other women to women, friend to friend, that has grown from that conference down there and just wonderfully principled people. Lovely. And now here I am in New England.

I was raised in New England.

I was raised north of Boston. I'm here today with a gal. We've known each other since we were six years old.

I got in early into Manchester and I rented a car.

Yeah, they always, they laugh at me with an accent in Texas. I told them they couldn't, you know, Really.

And I got to Marblehead on Wednesday night, and I'm staying with Missy and her husband Jack, who's been in this program for a lot of years also.

And that's my hometown.

It's a beautiful hometown. It really is gorgeous. But I have an issue because there's a lot of pain for me from that hometown.

I was raised with a lot of money, property and prestige, and it diverts you from your primary purpose. And I was raised by mainly by nursemaids. In fact, I think Missy's family was more my family in a way than my own family. And my family were not bad people.

They were just very New England proper. And my dad was 47 when I was born and he really didn't like little kids. So we had a lot of nursemaids and it was, it wasn't an easy growing up for me and I and I was rebellious and that was not proper. So because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing, they sent me to a little prep school. And that happens to be Fabric Academy.

So I really feel as though I'm kind of in the roots here now. By the time I got to Fryeburg Academy, I do believe

that I was a budding teenage alcoholic. I knew enough to to get

CIDA on the roadside that didn't have any preservative in it and that that I could make hot cider. And I knew how to con my father to get me more than one gallon of that. I would tell him that everybody in the dorm would drink it and so couldn't I get two or three gallons. And he out of guilt, you know how to push those guilt balls, he would buy that for me. I didn't share that.

You see, that's a little trait of us Alcoholics. We don't share.

And of course, I lied. And then I learned how to steal very early because, you see, they had a nice big liquor cabinet. They didn't understand where the liquor was gone, so they put a lock on it. But it was in one of those cabinets that had a hinge. And I learned very easy how to take the hinge out, move it, and be able to, you know, get my Scotch to bring it back to Forever Academy. So I know that I drank and I felt a difference. I felt as though I could be part of when I drank.

I don't want to get into a long drunk log. I think the main thing, I could just probably sum it up

and say I never took a drink to be Mary there. I took a drink to be anybody but me. I didn't like what I felt inside, and alcohol made me feel as though I could belong. And it worked for a long time and it was still working. I'd still be at it. That's just the way I feel.

I love the the school. I did some stuff. I met a guy who was cute. You know, we had a little relationship. Then I thought, well, maybe I should go to college. So I came up to Lewiston, ME, went to a little college and then I found out it was pregnant.

And so I was pregnant and then I got married, you know, kind of backwards. I've done everything backwards all my life and here I was

married to a man that of course was an alcoholic because I think water seeks its own level and he wasn't the fun type of alcoholic, I always say. And

our weekend guests with a local police.

So I was what was considered a battered alcohol or battered, battered wife.

I left him when my daughter was eight months old and I went back to that hometown

and I drank

until,

well, I drank until I could just, I just drank and drank and drank. And what happened is that you get a reputation if you're a woman.

And I had to get away from that reputation and

and so I did what any alcoholic would do, and that is to do their first geographical and I did. And I went to Southern California and this is where the story starts because Cindy was there in Connecticut when I spoke, and

I moved into an apartment on Magnolia Blvd. And it was a there was 20 units in that apartment building. And for the first five years of being out there, my daughter at that time was

five years old when I moved. And for five years I drank. And obviously I needed a babysitter. And they would happen to have been a woman who was living in an apartment there who had a teenage daughter. And that daughter would come over and babysit my child. Because you see, by then, my progression and alcoholism had gotten to the point I was coming out of blackouts, yelling at my daughter, the only thing I love most in the world. And even though that was a good reason not to drink anymore, I decided it would

better if I drank and buys.

I didn't know I had the disease alcoholism. I didn't understand that it was progressing. I didn't had no idea what was happening to me. All I knew was is that I had to have the alcohol.

And so I had this young gal, her name was Elena, would babysit my daughter. And I'd always say, Gee, I'm just going to go for about an hour. Do you think you could watch her? They said find Mary there no problem. And in about an hour or so I would call and ask if they could do it for another hour. And this went on until they finally said, why don't you just leave overnight? You can pick her up in the morning. And this went on for a year and a half. And one morning I went over to pick up my child,

and by then I was sleeping with a knife between my box spring and mattress to ward off what was trying to get me at night. I was crying myself to work. I was crying myself home.

The mother of this babysitter had a car we parked out front every once in a while and I'd be trying to get out behind from behind her in the morning and she had this obnoxious sticker on the back of her car. And it said easy doesn't.

And I would be trying to haul the car out saying easy does. What? What does that mean? That's so insane. So this morning that I walked over, that's a little hint, and I knocked on the door. The the mother came to the door and her name was Rosemary

and she invited me in to have a cup of coffee. She's we really don't know each other very well, but perhaps it would be good to get to know. We know, we know Candace very well. And so I, I sat down. It was only proper to do that and chat with who's been watching your child forever. And she proceeded to tell me your story.

And as she went on, she told me that she had come from New England, that she'd gone to MIT, she was an engineer over at Burbank. And and then she proceeded to tell me she was an alcoholic. And she kind of gave me a little bit of her story. And I thought to myself, well, Gee, I know a lot of people that are just like that.

And for some reason I said that I said, you know, I know a lot of people who could probably do this a, a, a thing or whatever. And she said, really, she's what? We have open meetings.

I said nice. And she said there's one tonight.

She said, why don't you come? Well, I didn't think I had a babysitter, but

she assured me that I did.

I, I love this because it's kind of a, it's kind of a strange thing. What's really fun is, is that this this woman, her name was Rose or is Rosemary. And

one of responses is here. And I, I owe a great, a great debt to this woman.

She at the time was being sponsored by somebody called Clancy,

and he's kind of rigid, you might say, with some of the sponsors. And so I went over that night to go to this meeting that I didn't know how to get out of. In fact, I remember being working. They said, how are you married? Fine. I said, I'm going to an A a meetings right there. I went

good idea. Anyway,

I arrived and her husband at that time was a fellow by the name of David. And she, she was she, she was very busy and she was a very strong woman. Now I've been called that, but I was not strong at that moment. Alcohol had beaten me down to nothing. And

she said to me, now she said, you're going to go to a meeting with my husband. I have to do something else. My sponsor, whatever she was talking about, wants her to do something. I didn't know what she was talking about, but I said, all right, thank you very much.

And David brought me to my first meeting and I walked into this meeting. It was a Friday night. It was September 13th, 19. I don't know if it was 13-4, but anyways, I know my sobriety date. The last time I had a drink was September 13th, 1973. And I went to this Friday night meeting. It was the Friday Winnetka meeting in the valley out there in North Hollywood, or, or it was in, I don't know where it is. It's somewhere in the Valley out there,

and it's moved now, I think to Chatsworth. But anyway, I walked in and it was a room probably like this. There was probably about 3 or 400 people. And also in California, they clean up like those women in Texas,

there's a lot of bling. I mean, they look pretty polished. And they were very nice. And they were, they came in, they ran and gave me literature and they were, David introduced me to all these women. And one lady came up and asked me if I was new. And I said, no, no, I'm just visiting. And she gave me these 20 questions and told me to answer one at a time when I have a moment sometime when it's, you know, have nothing to do, just to read them.

I was sitting there and I was waiting for this meeting to start in the, and they have, they're really amazing meetings out there. They sing out a key when they have anniversaries. They, you know, it was like a joke. People were laughing. Everybody seemed happy. It was not what I had pictured Alcoholics Anonymous to be. I expected, I don't know what I expected, but it was not what I was sitting in by any means. And so in my mind,

obviously the, the defective thing it says, I said, well, you know, they said it was an open meeting. Perhaps everybody has come to see

what Alcoholics Anonymous, kind of like the PT

or something, you know, they've been invited in or something. So I sat there and then finally they asked the woman to speak. That was the speaker that evening. And her name happened to have been Sybil. And

some started laugh. They might have remembered Sybil. She was the first woman alcoholic in California. And she was dynamite. And she probably had as much time as I have today. And I remember sitting there thinking to myself, she's got more time than I'm alive.

And she started to talk. And as she talked, I used to laugh. And it was amazing. And then all of a sudden, she'd say something and I'd feel as though I was just going to sob. You know, that lump comes in your throat.

And this went on through the whole talk. And when it was done, everybody was clapping. And David said, how do you feel? And I said, I could cry. And he said, go ahead.

And it was almost as if like a floodgate opened and I just started to sob and I had no idea why I was crying. And he walked me up to Civil and he said, Sybil, I want you to be married there. It's our first meeting

and she wrapped her arms around me and she said welcome home honey.

And that was, as I said, September 13th, 1973.

I had no idea that that was the first time anybody had given me permission to have a feeling.

You're all probably from New England. Are we supposed to show anything?

Being profit? Nearly killed me.

David brought me home and he talked to me about the disease of alcoholism, and he said it was a progressive disease. It's kind of like, he said, taking a bus. He says you can get off the bus right here in North Hollywood. Mary Theory, you can take it all the way to Skid Row, says that might be your choice. I don't know, he said. But if you liked anything you heard, he said, why don't you come over and have coffee with Rosemary and I tomorrow and we'll talk. And he left me with a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which I left on the coffee table. But I did remember that those 20 questions that person had asked me,

I was a little bit more honest than Utah. I answered 17 yes.

And then I saw this thing that said if you answer three or more, you're out.

I mean, they kind of trick you, you know, It's like they don't say that up afterward. And I was sitting there on the couch. I remember looking out and I thought to myself, Oh my God, I'm an alcoholic.

And the next day I went over to Rosemary's and I walked in and she said, hi Mary there, how did you like your first meeting? And I said, I think I'm an alcoholic. She said, yes, I've been waiting for you for a year and a half. No, sit down.

And she told me exactly what I was going to do.

She says. You're not going to drink or use, you're going to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. You're going to get a sponsor, a sponsor that's been around for at least six to seven years, who's into the big book and the 12:00 and 12:00.

And she said, I'll pick you up. You be ready. She's in, pick me up. But she could see if I came in around. I don't know how I was going to get away from her, you know, And she said I will pick you up or I'll be ready to go at 7:30 or 8:00 or something like that. I said I don't think I was.

Elena will watch Candace.

You know God does for you what you can't do for yourself.

So then she told me a little thing. She said. Um,

are you on any pills?

And I said no, I don't do drugs.

And she said you want a Librium or Valium. Now I think her daughter was looking in my medicine.

I said, well, I take volume, but you see, I have to because I end up in the hospital and I have these things and then I ended up in the hospital again. She said no honey, that's a dry drink.

I didn't like her very much,

but nobody else had been waiting for me for a year and a half,

and I don't recommend how I sobered up on the bricks as they used to say it.

I really wished I had gone into a rehab. I think it's very necessary. I say this only because this is my story.

We didn't have a lot of rehabs in those days, but I do not recommend anybody going through what I did. But maybe I needed to go through it that way or maybe I'd have gone back out. I have no idea,

but it was not an easy sobering up I did. I was going out of my mind. You tried cold Turkey and Valium and booze and I have been a daily drinker for a long time and doing value for five years straight. So I was really, I think it was about seven or eight years sober, and I read this book called I'm Dancing As Fast As I Can.

I finally said, Oh my God. But you know, my sponsors used to say to me, I know this program works because you were so crazy. We were going to put you in Camarillo

and somehow something happened.

That's my story. That's just how it worked for me. I, I don't, I, I don't, As I said, I don't recommend it. I think we have doctors for a reason. I think we have to pay attention to what the doctors say, but for me, this is mine.

So she brought me to meetings for a week and 1/2 she brought me to the Pacific Group. They're a wonderful group. They are really up and going and Yahoo. And Yep, afterwards you go and you sit in coffee shops and you talk to, I don't know how we ever lived. We went to meetings and then we were in coffee shops all night. We drank coffee, you know, it was like it was insanity and I was not well and I kept getting sick. I don't know about the rest of you, but when I soap it up, I got crazier. Did you? I got terribly crazy

and I was shaking all the time, stopped shaping, shaking until I was about seven or eight months sober. And she kept saying to me, have you got a sponsor? Why Do you know what a sponsor was? What do you do? Interview, where? What does this mean? What is we have our own lingo here. And so this kind of went on and I was due back on the East Coast for my father's birth. She kept telling me I was going to get drunk if I don't have a if I don't have a sponsor. All I knew is I didn't want her.

And yet she has given me more information. That woman gave me more information. If it wasn't for her, I'd be dead.

Choose to say things to me like you're the fish you gotta catch honey

and should say watch what you defend, she said. Why are you defending once you're back? And think about it.

And those are tools that I still use. I still use,

I walked around with her for about, I don't know, a week and a half. And there was someone in one of the meetings that said must have known I was ready to have a seizure in recovery, I think. And she said there's a meeting out in the West Valley. Why don't you come? And I ended up in the West Valley

and I walked into a room, there's probably about 2830 people and it seemed calm. And all of a sudden I felt as though there was an energy in that room and I felt safe. And there was a man talking about the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I thought, Oh my God, he said, he called it the Big Book. And I said, is it? He said, if anybody doesn't have a big book, come see me afterwards. And I was thrilled. And I walked up to this man and he and he sold me my first big book. And sometimes I tell a story about that, but

I don't know. I'm not moved to do it tonight. I'll just say listen to another tape and you can hear it.

But I was thrilled that I found somebody that was talking about the big book and the next, you know, I went home and, and Rosemary said, have you got a sponsor? That was her talk to me all the time. And she scared me. And I said, I think I do. And she said who? And I so I told her, I said this man, I met him at a meeting and and she said, how long has he been around? I said I said, I think he's been around

the time you said he says is the end of the big book. And I said, yeah, he is. And I went back that following week and I walked into that meeting. I was so thrilled to see him. And I said hi. And he said, how are you this week? This was after the meeting. And I said, I think I'm OK. And I thought I have a question. He said, what is it? I said, I'm wondering if you could sponsor me. And he kind of leaned over and he looked at me and he said,

he said, since I've gotten married, my wife doesn't cotton to me sponsoring women.

So but that's her over there, that redhead. And she's got kind of a Mickey Mouse program, and perhaps she'll help you out.

And I went over to this woman and waited to talk to her. And she finally turned and looked down her nose at me and said yes.

And I said, would you sponsor me? And she said you just asked my husband to sponsor you.

I said yes I did. And she said why'd you do that? And I told her this whole story, that I was going to get drunk and this Rosemary was blah blah, blah, blah blah. And she must have taken some pity on this nut.

And for every one of us nuts, there's a wrench. And I hope you find the wrench that fits you, 'cause I did,

she said. You'd be at my house

next Monday and she said we'll talk.

And when you come back from New England, you look around for a woman that you want what she has, and you're willing to go to any lengths to get it,

and you ask her to guide you in this program. And I went to her house the following Monday, and she asked me to tell her something about me. And when I finished, she looked at me and she said, you told me that as if it's in the third person, like there's no feelings attached to it, like it belonged to somebody who lives down the block that you occasionally see once in a while. She said one day you'll tell that story and you'll share that story and you'll share your tears.

And she gave me directions that I was to be in a big book study once a week. There was number question about that. She said this is where you will find the answers. This is your basic text in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. And she said we can see each other once a week. She told me meetings should be at. She says, here's my number. She said, now let me hear from you. And when I laughed, I can remember I was driving back home

and she had the bluest eyes I'd ever seen.

She had that type of eyes that when she looked at you, she knew who you are. She knew exactly who you were.

You knew that you were never going to lie to that woman.

And I started crying and I didn't know why I was crying,

but I don't think anybody had really ever listened to me.

I never felt welcome to my home in the big home or when I got married and beaten up and stuff. But there was finally somebody who wanted to listen to me and told me I was going to be alright.

I got back East

and it was a funny thing, wasn't it? Missy at that time was living in Rhode Island and she came to see her folks. And I was with my folks in Marblehead and I said, I'm going to a a, come on. And

she ended up in Al Anon for a number of years and then finally made it to us.

And and what a gift. And what a gift to have your best friend. What a gift.

How am I going to tell you about 30-4 years? How am I going to tell you what this program is all about?

I think in the beginning it was a feeling. It was when I walked into the halls and I felt safe with you people. It was when I realized that it was going to be OK for one hour, maybe an hour and a half. I was blessed enough, and I think God knew it, that I had not only Rosemary in that apartment building, but three other people who were members of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I was never really alone. I was never really alone. They always checked on me. They always made sure I was doing OK. I hate to tell you I have a wreckage of my recovery almost worse than a wreckage of

I was a little what they call self will run riot, although I didn't think so.

And it took a while for me in these halls to understand that there is a surrender to alcohol and then there is a surrender to self will run riot.

I took my third year cake and I was sobbing. I remember Beth says you're going to get up there and you're going to tell it the way it is, she said

you need to ask for help. I think Pride is such a horrible, defective character and one that continues throughout our recovery.

At least it does for me.

I learned the black lines in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I learned them very, very well before menopause. I could quote the period and then T and every other thing there is there,

but I didn't understand that I was hiding behind that I.

So tonight I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to talk to you about where I am today.

And I'm just the same as that gal that came in who's got 8 days and welcome.

I think the biggest thing that I've learned over the last, I would say 8 to 10 years is that being teachable is the only reason I stand here tonight with you people.

I'm not ahead of you. I'm not behind you. I'm walking shoulder to shoulder with you because I have a common solution. And hopefully, shoulder to shoulder, we can escape disaster together.

Please don't ever put me on a pedestal. I want to thank the committee that they don't have big speaker ribbons hanging off of your badge and stuff. I rip those things off the minute I get here because I'm no better. Anybody can be up here. Anybody can do this. If God calls, say OK and up you come. Now what happened for me is, is that I got heavier and heavier into the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I can remember I was about 10 years ago. I don't know if it was then or I don't know when it was. Missy, maybe you can

remember, but I was sitting and I was reading one more time Bill's story.

And within that story, he, he gets to the point where you're reading about the, the steps in his story. And he said he turned all things in to his new found friend.

And I remember I was sitting there and I was because I ponder. Some people who know me, they know I ponder.

And I thought, do I think of God as a newfound friend?

Is God my pal?

What is my conception of God?

You notice in the book Assist Conception, it doesn't say concept conception means growing. Continuing talked about that also in Bill's story. It talks about how we need to enlarge on our spiritual life or we will not be able to face the certain low spots and trials ahead. That means we're certainly going to do that and how we do that as we work with others. And I've been blessed enough to be able to work with others.

We will have trials and I've gotten a few in my recovery,

but I as I looked at the second step and I said, is this God, my pal? Is this going to be somebody that I really trust? And I said, what, what do I believe in? How did I come? Doesn't say believe says how did you come to believe? How did what did I come to believe in? The very first thing I've already told you is an energy in these rooms. I believe that when I walked in here

that there was a loving God as He expressed Himself

and I could feel it. And for a long time, remember I told you I didn't ever want it to feel well. You will feel when you get into recovery, you're going to feel everything.

And the one feeling I was after was that feeling I felt when I came and I sat down the first time, you know, when you really know you got the sponsor that really. And by the way, that woman was my temporary sponsor for 25 years till she died.

I used to walk in a room and if I could see Bev across the room, I could sit and I could just sit down and go, whoa, I'm safe. There was an energy that came from her. There are many people I've had the privilege to meet and know in these halls

where I just know I'm safe. You know, there's no difference between us. There's no facade. I told you I went to school and studied death and dying. I had the opportunity and the privilege to be with many valiant souls and to watch them burn their soul. And when you're working with people that are dying, there's no phony baloney,

no phony baloney. It's as genuine as can be. And a true Elkie that's coming in here, it's as genuine as it can be because you're dying. And that's the way we have to be with each other. I don't know what happens with these facades that start to build up here. For me, they started to build up because I didn't know I wanted to belong. I felt other than in Alcoholics Anonymous. When I moved from California, I had five years of recovery and I moved to Maine.

When I got here, there wasn't a lot of big book. In fact,

I was 98% of the time. I was the oldest member sitting in the in the meetings and I only had five years of recovery. I started the first big book study in Brunswick, ME because my sponsor told me that you're not in a popularity contest. This is not whether anybody likes you or not. It's how you share your experience, strengthen hope and you're going to, you know, you know how to stay sober, start a meeting. And I did and we started through the book and I started to realize that as people got the book, they started to grow and there was more and more.

There's a wonderful a a in Brunswick, ME today. And I'm proud that I had a little share in that. I by all means did not do it, but I, I did get to share and I have wonderful, wonderful friends and some of them are here tonight. And thanks for being here.

What happened for me is, is that when I was about 1819 years sober, I realized I was more frightened than when I had come in.

And the reason for that is that I knew this book so well, I could keep you away from me.

You came up and said something to me. I could quote the page and the verse. I could tell you what tradition. I could tell you anything. Just stay away from me. Do you think I did that on purpose? No, I didn't.

So there's a, there's a page in this book and it's page 52 and it talks about the bedevilments and it talks about there's eight things on there that you can ask and turn those statements into questions and some of them say things like this. Are you having trouble personal relationships?

How's your emotional nature?

You'll pray to misery and depression.

How you doing? Can you make a living? And there's eight things there. And I remember the first time I heard that I was doing pretty good and I said, no, I'm fine. If you ask me that today, I'd probably say I'm spend stick around. It gets better and then it gets worse and then it gets better. But I'm in one of those better things. And and so right now I would probably see, no, I'm really doing OK. But if you said to me, Mary Theater has God brought you as far as you can

in regard to personal relationships, immediately I would say I hope not. Hope he hasn't brought me as far as you can. And if I went down through all one of every single one of those statements, I would say, God, I hope not. I hope my emotional nature prayed him in all these things, usefulness, all those things on that page 52. I hope he's going to do better. And I thought to myself one day, I said, now why do I say I'm OK? And two minutes later, I tell you, I hope not.

Well, I was 25 years sober and I was in a big book study

and I remember I do a lot of them and I always ask God

a set aside prayer. Most of you probably already know that. But to set aside everything I think and everything I think I know about you, God, about the book, about the steps, so I can have a new experience and have a open mind and open heart and see the truth. And then I say thank you and I read the book and on page 53 they talk about the bridge of reason. And then they go on down through and they talk about the God of reason. And then they say reason a couple of more times on page 53 and it's capitalized. And I was sitting in that meeting and I said.

Why is this are capitalized on reason? And I was having a fit about that. But what I had done in Alcoholics Anonymous is I created a God of reason. I didn't even know it. I didn't wake up to do that. I didn't know I was frightened. But you see, I'm a survivor and all of my defects of character are my survival tools, and I know how to survive and don't hurt me. And I didn't have a God that was big enough to deal with a lot of things that were happening to me in recovery. I didn't have a pal

and so I needed to be other esteem instead of God esteemed. And what I have done is I built a barrier in Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn't know it. And so gradually as I took my new conception of God as a pal and I started to take a look at the areas of my life where I said, God, I hope not. I hope he's going to bring me further. I hope he's going to do one more thing for me. And then I got to that page on page 129 where it says

that he had struck something better than gold