The "Why are we here" workshop at Laurel Mt Highlands Area of NA Unity Retreat in Hooversville, PA

John K from Fan the Flames group of NA.

It's over at 8:45.

Thanks. I'm John. I'm an addict.

Sounds so hard to hear someone introduce me from fan to Flames Home group.

Been part of why die for so many years. A lot of years used to always saying at Home group,

I'm I'm John, I'm an addict.

Why are we here?

You know, it's kind of nice.

I need to start by saying,

yeah, a lot of people. I told a few people I'd be down here like between 4:00 and 6:00 and work, you know, kept me late. And I got here and there's a few people that told everybody that I'd be here 5 minutes before. And that's kind of nice because no one ever believed in me before. And I showed up right at 5 minutes before and they asked if I was OK because I was going right into lead. And you know,

I don't know, I I just show up and give a talk.

You know, I used to try to talk to sound good, and I just

talk to say whatever comes on my mouth. I turn it over and give it to God. Two nights ago, I was over at a penitentiary and I was put on the spot at a moment's notice in front of 85 inmates.

And

you know, it's guess, you know, from sticking around here, we're able to do that because it's about giving it a way to keep it. But the topic is why are we here?

Oh,

pardon my front profanity. Because

in order to get fucked, you gotta be in a position to get fucked,

plain and simple. And, and that's what I did whenever I got here, I fucked myself. I had a disease that I didn't know I had. And there's part of this disease is, you know, is denial. And for a lot of years, I lived in the denial that I had a problem and I was living a lifestyle like as if, you know, there weren't police and that nothing would ever happen to me. And, and and it did.

And I, I ended up arrested in front of my mother

with a lot of dope, doesn't matter what kind, but it was a lot. And it was enough that was going to send me away and do some time. And and it, and the seriousness of this disease is everybody knew I was going to do time except for me because denial, you know, in my own head, somehow I was going to get out of the trouble that I got myself into. And even though the lawyer was telling me they can't carry mandatory guidelines,

I was still going to get out of it.

And why I'm here initially. Initially what got me here was just trying to get some notes signed and go to rehabs and try to get a bunch of paperwork in order. So I when I got in front of a judge, he'd look at me and say, oh, you've been a nice little boy. Don't ever let me see again.

We all know how that worked out.

You know, my first drug in life was fantasy. And I guess I was fantasizing about the judge just, you know, pat me on the shoulder and saying I'm giving you another chance. But you know what? Life is real. And I lived in a fantasy even before I ever took drugs, and the drugs just magnified it.

I had no idea how to do life, how to be responsible,

and anything I ever tried before I got here didn't work.

And I can't honestly say that I ever really worked at anything that I ever tried. It was usually just a means of trying to appease somebody for a moment in time to get them off my back, whether it was relatives, girlfriend, employers and you know, soon as things cool down, I'd be right back at doing whatever it was I was doing

if I wasn't already doing it. Just hiding it better.

But

you know, we often hear meetings it referred to that you ever look at the 12 steps and what's the first word of the 1st 12 steps? And,

and I was asked at rural in recovery when I asked to do my first step and, and my sponsor at the time said, do you know what the first word the first step was? And I didn't. And he asked me to write a paper on what the first word of first step was and, and to read the chapter. Why are we here? And that was my first assignment. So it's kind of special to me that I'm speaking on this topic tonight and then everything I've ever done since then,

that still remains

the most important lesson that I ever learned was that assignment. And we don't ever hear it talked about that chapter. Why are we here? It doesn't say why am I here? Says, why are we here?

You know, it's through sharing and exposing myself to others that I've been able to recover and restore myself to some sense of functionality and to gain some maturity and some morals.

A lot, a lot about what I wanted when I came in. I didn't really understand or know what it was about, but I just wanted to be free. And my way of thinking about what was free was happy Joyce and high. I didn't know that it was a bot. Happy, joyous and clean. And I had a sticker on here and allow people to love me and accept me for who I was and and go through what I went through

to get what I have today

on me. Like, yeah, Chuck,

you know, so whenever I was new, it was all about developing relationships with other people. You know, why are we here? You go back to the, you know, historically, you know, when the 12 steps began, it was about one person helping another person to doing what one can't do alone. And initially, that's why I stayed. Initially I stayed because,

yeah, I guess I like the hugs, especially the females back then. Today I ain't thinking all the crazy stuff that I used to think back then,

thankfully. And you know what? I know that myself esteem isn't tied up in a girl that's on my arm anymore. See, why I'm here is because initially I needed to stop using.

But more importantly, once I stuck around here long enough, I learned that it wasn't just about stop using. See, when I came in, I heard people talking about, you know, you don't ever have to use again.

And initially, I came in to, you know, get out of trouble while I was in with the law. And I guess I kind of did really want to stop using drugs. And I thought that that was all it was, a bot. And you know, my life would get better

from sticking around though, and listening to what others had to share. I started to realize it was more about change. If I wasn't going to change, eventually I'd be doomed to the same old stuff and I'd be back where I was at. And I needed to learn how to change. And I started getting involved in doing some step work with my sponsor. And I had three home groups whenever I first came in. I kept them for a long time. I kept them for about four years,

Ah, minus the time in the penitentiary in between. But I guess if you want contact, that's more than four years. But

I did the things that were suggested. I went to meetings, got a Home group, got sponsor. I called them. And you know, when I went over that assignment that I was talking about, you know, writing what the first word of First step meant to my sponsor,

after I read it to him, he asked me to name my we. And

back then I said Lou, Alan, Dawn, Chuck and a few other names. And he said, who else? And I couldn't think any more names. And he said, you're missing somebody. I said, no, I covered everybody. And he said, how about God?

And, and I understood, you know, I don't know that everyone can, you know, understands that early in recovery, I did and I was raised with the God that I understand today. And today I'm, I'm grateful that I understand it's all about God.

Why are we here? I didn't have any clue that, you know, it was about God. You know, it was all about myself. Centered ass. I didn't know how to be self-centered. It was all about me and what's in it for me more and more and more me, me, me. I don't give a rat's pooch about you.

And today I'm capable of,

to the best of my knowledge, functioning in itself in a God centered state. And I wake up every morning and I ask God for help. And I and I strived it, you know, hit the day going that way and stayed that direction throughout the day because I know what might, you know, in between my years gets me. It gets me all kinds of insanity,

all kinds of insanity.

I didn't know how to show up at work on time. No, I didn't know how to keep a job.

Uh, since I'm being in recovery, I've had a few different jobs and one I had for actually, I've had two different jobs.

The longest I had was eight years. And I'm now in in a position where I'm coming up on 8 years again in a, in a job that I left that one for. And I'll probably being out a lot longer in a day at a time, God willing,

you know, but I don't have to, you know, make excuses for not showing up at work.

I'm able to be responsible in that way and show up and do a good job and not look for reasons to quit or say F you and screw you. And, you know, go back to selling dope, thinking away, you know, make millions of dollars selling dope.

And

you know the other thing too is recovery doesn't promise

assets or material things. It simply promises an our day clean and recovery and freedom spiritually as long as we live the principles.

If we get in here and we learn and do the work, though sometimes other stuff comes along and today I you know, I I have a life that I couldn't imagine I'd have the responsibilities that I do. I'm now a parent. I'm now my parents parent. I make more money legally than I ever did, probably deal on dope. And

I haven't really thought about it for a long time, but I was thinking about it on the way down here and it's And then don't take it the wrong way because it just kind of boggles my own mind because I grew up in a real poor neighborhood thinking that my life would never amount to anything. I'll probably finish out the month at like around 12 grand income and that's just like boggles my mind.

You know, I had, I had two twins I grew up with

and I remember when we were little, we always used to, you know, we go down the woods and play or whatever we talk about if one of us got rich, we take care of the other person and the other two would never have to worry. And when I was in the penitentiary, I was looking at something that had to deal with a God that I understand. And, and I just, I got a chill right down my spine because I was, I was looking at this picture thinking, you know, some thoughts about that. And this other thought came through my mind about

it was kind of parallel that I thought with them twins by the other ones would be taken care of and given it away. And I realized because when I got to the, you know, Pennsylvania pen, I had a lot of recovery already under my belt because I was working this program.

And I realized it I was what didn't wasn't giving it materially back then, rather spiritually, because all I had to do is keep showing up and giving away what I already had. And I was living that dream, just in a different way. And you know what,

I've been poor in recovery. I've had money in recovery. And the bottom line is, is the real true riches in this program are the spiritual gifts that we get by being connected through each other. Thanks for sharing, John.

That wasn't me. That was someone in the audience that was referring to another John,

just in case that got taped.

And, you know, it's like the things that I do have today, I believe that I have them largely because I have always tried to do the next right thing and share what I have in recovery. And I think you know God. God feels that I have the responsibility to manage what He's given me and

what I do have,

whether it's spiritually, materially, I share with everybody.

And that's something that's real foreign to before recovery days because I wasn't sharing stuff with anybody.

If I had something mine don't touch, it was mine. And recoveries enabled me to come, you know, three, you know, 360° on that and share everything that I have in my life today.

You know the other. The other thing about recovery too, is, is

I always had that,

you know, in between my ears, you know, the war going on in there.

And I always tried to fight that by, you know, taking more dope, drinking more alcohol. And it never, it never ever really worked. And initially whenever I started doing all that stuff, I had some fun doing it. But somewhere along the line, you know, that went away

today. I don't have that war going on in my in between my ears. And 99% of the time it's pretty calm in there. You know, everyone 1% of the time I, I still get that and, and I realize that'll be that way the rest of my life because it's always there. I, you know, this, this thing about we never recover. I don't, I don't buy that crap. And that's just me. You know, we're all, we all have our own opinions.

You know, when I was new, I thought I'll never recover it. And that's like a bunch of crap.

And I got to do this the rest of my life. Well, I accept that I need to do it the rest of my life. Today,

however, there's a lot of things that I have recovered.

You know, I'm able to show up at work today on time. I'm able to pay my bills. If I'm involved in a relationship. I don't cheat. You know, those are things that I have recovered, that I am healthy at. So to say that I haven't recovered, but do I do need to do continue doing the work to maintain that? Absolutely.

You know, when it when I was new, I came into the program in a relationship and I don't know if it was good or bad because I don't judge things as good or bad. It just is what it is. And but when I look back,

you know, I had a lot of disease thinking in between my ears. I stayed with that girl for all the wrong reasons. It it was all by my insecurities, you know, because she stayed with me. I thought that I had something to offer, that I was something worthwhile and myself esteem was coming from an exterior source. Today I need know that I need to get my own self value and self worth through working steps and showing up a day and taking responsibility for what's in my life,

you know, And if I am involved in a relationship,

you know, I don't need to get insecure with thinking about, you know, if she goes to the gym or something, you know, well, who's she working out with? You know who she back in the locker room fucking? You know, I don't need to go there today because if she does, I don't need to hang on to it. We're in the old days I would have hung on to something like that thinking that something was wrong with me. And today I've evolved to the point where I realized there's something better,

you know, that just wasn't meant to be. And it's real easy for us to get caught up in, you know, when we get with somebody else, whether you know, it's, you know, if it's male getting with a female or female, vice versa. Or Oliver goes, you know, I

we're shallow people sometimes. At least I was, because soon as I got that first piece of ass, you know, I was stuck. You know, I'd stay in there and stay in there and stay in there and all of a sudden one day my eyes would open up and it's like all these things that aren't part of this person way to act in their character and and and morals are completely different than mine. You know, what the heck happened? You know I fell in love with

sex. Hmm,

you know it, I didn't even I wasn't open to who the person truly was. All I cared about was filling my own self-centered needs for the moment and then getting lost in it and being insecure that you know, I I couldn't get in something, find someone healthy. You know, I always trap myself. You know today, you know, if I date, I realize I don't got to stay there. You know, I can look at a person for who they are from the beginning instead of waking up one day, you know, a year or two years later. And

who is this person?

You know, I the other thing is I always used to be real good at thinking, you know, they'll become the person I wanted to be. Fantasy, my first drug in life, you know, you think I'd learn. Well, thankfully I have. But in our recovery, I couldn't see that, you know, I'd stay stuck in those kind of situations.

You know, I came in here because I wanted to get a life. Why are we here? I wanted to get a life. I wanted to live life socially acceptable and responsible. But I didn't have a clue. And when I came in and I watched other people, I saw what they did and I just tried to copy what they what they were doing initially. And people used to, you know, encourage me and tell me you can do it.

You know, most of my life I really didn't have anybody that did that.

You know, in most of my life. Well, I can't say most of my life anymore. I've been clean a long time. So that's actually a lie. But in inactive addiction, I couldn't share things with people.

People either belittle me if I shared something intimate with them or mocked it, betrayed me, took it somewhere else. And that's just how the story goes on the street

in recovery. I'm able to share things with people in in a nine out of 10 times, it's staying with that person. They're not going to mock me or belittle me. They're going to love me no matter what, unconditionally, whatever it is, you know, and I've, I've shared, you know, I've gone through the steps. So I've done the 5th, 6th and 7th step with sponsor a few times. And you know what, any of the dirt that I've ever shared in it has never came around and bit me back in the butt. And that's a lot that I'm not free to, to share that with people. And I don't need to go out and where it is an emblem that says, Hey, I'm OK because.

Can share this, but there's something that happens when we get rid of that stuff that we we become free and OK with ourselves. We keep it done in and hide it. It keeps us suck. You know, whatever area of our life that you know that issue pertains to and we we need to deal with that and free ourselves. That's how we grow. That's how I grow,

you know, and, and through doing that, I used to think I had a lot of really good friends before I got into recovery. And I understand today that it was all about what was in one pocket or the other, how much dope or money I had and, and who was getting a free ride.

And today the beauty that's evolved in my life is it's about love and friendship. And I have friends that are truly closer to me than my own biological family, which amazes me. I went to a wedding about a month ago

and I had we had a good time. I had a good time there,

but it it, it made me sick to see the phoniness in my relatives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, just talking on the other side of the neck about, yeah, I miss you, love you and, you know, acting like they care. But you know, how come I ain't heard from them in 15 years?

You know, if I don't, if I don't, someone doesn't hear from me in a couple days or a week. I usually get a phone call and it's usually vice versa.

And that's, and that's real nice because no one ever just called to say how are you or, or chat,

You know, like what I said, why are we here about getting free? I, I came in because I wanted a life and wanted to get free. When I was five years old, I was in a basement with another friend. It was a male friend and we were naked and we were playing around and, you know, five years old, you don't really know any better. But I didn't understand that my father looked down under a ledge and he seen this. And I knew he's seen this, but he didn't know that I knew

he didn't know I saw him seeing us. And but I saw that look on his face

and I understood what that look meant. And I carried around a lot of shame and, and I, it never got talked about. And, and I thought something was wrong for a long, long time.

And what I know today as a result of, you know, doing the work is if it had been a female, we would have been doing the same thing. We were five years old and we just didn't know any better. But because no one ever talked to me or addressed the issue, you know, I thought something was wrong. And, and that that's the case in a lot of areas of my life. You know, early on, I, I went up the steps to the bedroom area and I heard all these papers rustling. I seen my father, he was throwing all these papers under the mattress and he put his finger

to his lips and went don't tell mom. And what do you think is a little kid? I learned that day,

I learned how to lie. And it was OK to lie. He just endorsed it. But on the other hand, he would tell me not to lie, but his actions said differently, you know, so there was a lot of things that, you know, I was confused about growing up because there was a lot of other instances like that through childhood that I had to address through the steps and, and, and work to a healthy manner so that, you know, I come to understand what really truly is right and what is, you know,

unhealthy. I don't like to say right, Healthy and unhealthy,

you know, So today

I understand the difference. I also understand how important it is not to do the same thing, you know, not to say, shh, don't tell somebody you know, or, you know, have someone cover something up for me with a lie and endorse that kind of stuff. I need to own who I am every moment of my day in my life. And and I am who I am. And as long as I do that, I manage to stay free. It doesn't always mean that it's easy because feelings go along with that. And sometimes life is life and sometimes

I'm still an addict. Well, I'm always a recovering act, but sometimes still my, my, my defects are always there When they pop up, it doesn't feel good. And I got to I have two choices. I can either go get high and loaded, which really for me ain't an option today, or I can work through it. You know, what principles can I practice? You know, how can I address the situation? Call my sponsor, call some of my support group, call some of the guys I sponsor, you know, because I believe sponsorships A2 way St. I don't I don't

only just call my sponsor, but I also call people that I happen to sponsor. And that's just me as a pet peeve because the first sponsor, he never used to share anything with me except for whenever I called. I believe it's meant to be a two way St. That's why the words we you know, it ain't about because I'm a sponsor. I'm better than you and I can't talk to you.

You know, we're all in here with the same disease and it's about living or dying, period. It ain't about I'm better than you or you're better than me.

You know we all, we all come from different places. We have the same thing in common, what we feel and why we used

and that's what connects us and that's why we're here. Thanks for letting me share.

Our next speaker is Richard from Why Die

Recovering Act. My name is Rich.

You know, I was kind of torn there. I'm sitting, I love to hear John share. And like I'm sitting there thinking about like, what am I going to say? Because like I was asked 5 minutes before and if our other speaker doesn't show up, but I filled in and like my first, my first response wanted to be like, no, like I don't want to do that. But I've learned I'm coming around for a little bit here that

no's not usually the right answer when you're asked to help.

I said, yeah, I wasn't sure what the topic was

and I said, yeah, I'll do it. What's the topic? And they said, why are we here?

All right. I think, I think I have something to share on that.

I can't say for sure why you're here.

There is a lot of things that reasons. I hope you're here.

Hopefully a lot of them are same reasons I'm here

and

I was just sharing with someone this afternoon about this particular event here.

It's very, very special to me

for a lot of reasons.

For one thing, I've been involved with this for the past 10 years now in some capacity or another. And

like I, I've I've enjoyed the service I've done for this event.

But probably most importantly, is Journey Continues to is the very first NA event I ever attended.

I

I've been around for a while

and just didn't understand that one word that John talked about. We,

I didn't know what the we was about.

I thought I did, just like a lot of other times in my life. I thought I knew some shit and it turns out I didn't really understand it at all

when I was hanging the banners this afternoon. When I hang that very first banner,

it always gives me like a weird feeling

because like I was still clean when that first event took place. I had almost eight years claim

and somebody told me about this event they were having at this camp and I thought it was kind of corny

and I was scheduled to work that weekend. But like my work schedule, the people I work with are great. You know, I share my recovery with them. They know why I do what I do and I'm sure if I had tried I could have been here,

but I decided it wasn't for me.

Like I said, I'd never been to an NA event before

and

two months later I relapsed.

Now, had I been here when I relapsed? I don't know. You know, I don't know,

maybe if I had attended, I would not understood at that point what these types of events had to offer.

I will struggle with that whole thing because like when they do clean time countdowns and stuff, like when I hear like 18 years, I'm thinking like, man, I could have had that. You know, there's a Coulda's, you know, the couldas. And

you know, like our literature says that sometimes it's a relapse it takes to really get somebody serious about their recovery.

And when I get like real honest about it, like all those first eight years abstinent, I had a few years of recovery in there, but a lot of it was just that just abstinence. I,

I first got clean Christmas of 1989 and

I was clean until

I was abstinent until October of 97. I only used for one night and it really was the worst day of my life. All that stuff that people talk about, that spiritual bankruptcy, physical, mental, emotional, like I thought I knew what it was about, but until I picked up that chemical again, I didn't really understand what it was about.

The relapse actually started long before that. You know,

like I said, I didn't understand the way I didn't know why we were here. I knew why I was there. And it changed over those first few years. Like when I first got clean, like I went to rehab because I, I wanted my wife off my back. You know, she, I'd fallen down the steps and cracked the rib and had to go to my family doctor, who I'd known since he was a resident. And he like freaked out when he saw the needle marks all over my arms and like he didn't know what to do.

So

probably out of fear because I thought I was going to call a cops or something. I didn't know what the hell was going to happen.

I agreed to go see this counselor and like they kept telling me, man, you need rehab. You need rehab. Like I think I can do outpatient, like I'll be all right. You know, I can stop using. I kept telling myself every time I stuck a needle in my arm, I like I can stop using it anytime I want to. I just use not to, you know, And so finally I agreed to go to this rehab just to get them off my back. And

I didn't know why I was gone. Like I didn't, I didn't understand that it was about not using them. I thought they were going to teach me how to use successfully like those people that like I grew up with,

actually not grow up with it's people I went to college with. In my college class there was probably 130 people and like a hundred of those people used and like they grew up at that door in that time and they put that shit down. And I didn't know how to do that. I didn't know how to put it down. I

so I went to this rehab and like I wouldn't even identify myself as an addict.

I said my name is rich. I abuse drugs and they like called me on that shit every day and I'm like, I'm no addict, not an addict, not an addict and addicts. A guy laying under a bridge with a needle in his arm, homeless and nothing to eat. And that's not me.

And I also heard John mention about denial and like that was a big part of it, that denial. Like

understand today that recovery is not equal to social acceptability. And I realize addiction with social acceptability is also have nothing to do about recovery because like I still had AI still, I'm still at my same job next week I'll be there 26 years. And I had a house, I had a wife, I had a dog, I had a son, I had a new car, my wife had a new car. Like how am I an addict, you know? And

somewhere around two weeks in the back then rehabs were all 30 days, you know, none of the seven day miracle cures and shit like they got today.

And somewhere around two weeks in, I woke up in the middle of the night, a little bit of sleep I was getting, and like, it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

What the hell have you done to yourself?

I went to rehab in a psych hospital and like, I'm locked up.

I'm locked up. I'd never been behind bars. I'd never been in a place where I couldn't just go wherever I wanted to. Like

I finally started to take some responsibility at that point that like something I did is responsible for me being here.

Now I gotta find out what the hell to do about it. So I actually started listening a little bit there and

when I got out, like out of rehab, I had to sign a contract with the state because of my job. And one of the things I had to do was get a sponsor. So like I started going to meetings and like there was this guy that showed up a lot. So I figured he'd be a good sponsor. So I asked him. And is that the best sponsor relationship I've ever had? No, but I got some stuff out of it. You know, I did go through the steps with that guy and things were real different back then. Like I always hate to say we only had the basic text because like the basic text a great book,

but we didn't have step working guides or it works how online stuff like that, you know, so work inception is very different back then, you know, there, there was a lot less writing and a lot more face to face talking at that time. And at least that's the way it worked for me. And, you know, I could say that like I did a lot of changing in those first few years

and like I saw my life get better. I didn't understand that it would. I didn't know why it was, you know, I've had sponsese ask me, look, can you tell me how this works? I'm like, no, I can't tell you how it works. I can tell you it does, though. If I continue to do what I'm suggesting to do, somehow my life continues to get better. And you know, I did that for a few years and I think I had about three years clean in my sponsor relapsed

and it took me a little while, a couple, probably about a year or so to get another sponsor. And it probably was a bad move on my part. I, I picked this guy because he did the same job I did. And like, I thought that like that would make it easier for me to relate to him. And today I realized like that has very little to do with what I can learn about recovery from a person. And then he moved away and, and strictly my fault. I just couldn't do the long distance thing and that relationship just sort of fell apart.

So for the next couple of years, I had a real idiot first sponsor I had myself.

And

back in 95, I got a call one day at work from my sister that my dad had died. And

like, it was sort of unexpected. It had some hard trouble and stuff. But like, he was, he was pretty healthy and he was 77 years old, but he seemed pretty healthy. And, you know, to this day, I don't remember if I ever shared that with anybody else to recover that like my dad had died,

like I could handle it like I was, I really believed like I was cured. My God said, are we recovered? Like I, I was beyond recovered. I was cured. You know, the only reason I went to meetings would help you people out because you were sick, you know?

And five weeks later, my mother died.

And, you know, when I look back at it now, that really was the beginning of that relapse. See, there's this, there's this cliche that goes around. I don't hear too much anymore. But it was real big when I first came around. And I don't think I really understood what they meant because it said the same personal use again.

Like I didn't realize that I was becoming that same person, you know, I was becoming that person that,

that thought he could handle anything on his own because I didn't understand the we,

you know, yeah, I'd work some steps. Yeah. I'd made some changes in my life. But then I really let people know what was going on. You know, later on I, I asked some people that were like in my Home group and stuff at that time, did I ever tell you my parents die or like, yeah, like after you relapsed, which was like 2 years later.

And like I said, I had the opportunity to come to the first journey continues and I chose not to do that. And

two months later, on a Wednesday night when I should have been in my Home group, I stayed home and tried to get high.

I say I try to get high because I didn't get high, but I got stupid.

I my wife walked into the kitchen and I was trying to figure out how exactly how does a lid come off a soda bottle? Because I couldn't quite figure out how that worked. And probably the only good thing that happened that night was she said to me, you're using again, aren't you?

And I said yeah.

And we stayed up all night long and I cried and like I I didn't know what to do.

She asked me said do you think you need to go to rehab again?

I wasn't really sure what to say at that point, but I said no, I don't think so. I need to do something different

and I waited a week to go back to my home. I wanted to go back to my Home group. I didn't want to go to another meeting.

And at that time we were meeting at the hospital I work at right now and it's it's a huge place. And like, I drove around that block probably 20 minutes just looking for an excuse not to walk back through that door

'cause like I had like all the wrong things in my head. What was going to happen? People are going to laugh at me. People are going to like judge me. People are going to hate me for what I've done. And I remember when I walk in that very, that very first day there, the meeting had already started. They were going through the readings and like

people kind of gave it a little high sign and like, I think they just saw the look of my face and like I saw their faces drop because they knew something was really wrong.

And when the readings were done and stuff and the meeting opened up, I shared that I had used the week before.

Never forget it. There was one guy that came up to me and you know, I've heard people agree or disagree with this, but he told me, he said at this point, all you've lost is your claim date. What you do now is going to determine the rest of your life.

And like that sounded real wise and stuff that day. And I didn't really understand what he was talking about, but

is that a bat? Yeah, cool.

I didn't really understand what he was talking about, you know,

but I knew like I had to like

how to get something out of that. Like I don't, I don't know if it's a spiritual awakening or God telling me like you need to listen to this guy something. Because it's like one of the curses of where I live is I have to drive at least 2020 miles to a meeting. So I got like 1/2 hour ride. And that's also one of the blessings because when I leave a meeting, I have some time like to just kind of reflect on what I heard. And that night when I left, you know, I started thinking about what he was talking about.

And it sort of hit home to me that like,

it wasn't that I lost all the knowledge I had.

It's not. I haven't applied any of it.

You know what good is like if I know how to build a rocket but I'd never do it. What's good to knowledge, you know?

And that's what my recovery had become like. I knew all this stuff. I didn't do anything with it. It didn't help me and as sure as hell didn't help you. And