The topic of "Roadblocks to Recovery" at The Firing Line Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Saint Paul, MN

I am Adam. I'm an alcoholic

and I appreciate the opportunity tonight. I,

I reminded myself yesterday, added a little thing come up on my phone saying you're speaking great. And I immediately forgot and I did get a call from Dustin, thank God today. And so I'm grateful to be here. I had been thinking about this a little bit

and I ran into an old friend who Jay, who I I've seen at meetings before, but I haven't seen him in a few months. And.

And I say, well, you come to this meeting. He says no, I've never been to this meeting before. I haven't seen him in months. So I

at a sponsor used to say, is it odd or is it God? And

I, I like coincidences like that. So it's good to see you, Jay, and any, anywhere you are in your journey. I'm just going to just for a little framework talk a tiny bit about what it was like. And then I've, I've been in a A since June of 1985 and

I feel like I know I have a lot more experience with how not to do a A than I do with how to do a A. And, and I think someone heard my story and thought, oh, there's a guy who knows about roadblocks to recovery. You know, it wasn't like the shining example of do a A this way. I really, and there were some real roadblocks for me. And most of them had to do with me. I I I wrote down

just 5 words. Honesty, open mindedness, willingness, desperation, and ego.

And I'll probably talk about some combination of those tonight, but

I, I, I started drinking when I was 13 and right away I had the physical craving like from, from drink one, if I had a little alcohol in me, I was off from the beginning. And but it was quite a few years before the mental obsession also was added into the mix. And I would say that was only the last three years of my drinking.

I was really scarcely a potential alcoholic until those last three years when I was just, I was it. I couldn't stay away from the first drink. And I was always the guy who wants you. I had one drink in me. There was, there was no stop in me. And I was a lightweight so I couldn't, I couldn't really hold my alcohol. So it would come up and then I'd keep drinking and I'd fall down and I was a sloppy drunk, but a happy drunk. And I really liked how it make me feel and I'd be sociable. And I was a smart guy, did well

school, but it was a little bit not with the cool kids. And it helped me be with those cool kids. And but what would happen very quickly after I got drunk is people would start backing away from me ever so slightly. Like I could just tell that I wasn't, I wasn't violent or anything, but they just, I was sloppy. And, you know, and in my drunk mind, I still have the smile on on the outside, but inside I knew exactly what was going on. I knew these people were backing away from me

and didn't really want to be with me, even though alcohol had given me the way to be with people. So it was this really shameful thing. And so I kept trying to get that balance right of enough alcohol in me so that I could be with you and have a good time, but not so much that you're starting to back away and say, Adam, maybe you should go home now. And I never, you know, that moment would happen where it was kind of like that first drink would go in and the second I'd be there.

And but as all of us who are kind of nodding on, you know, then there was, I just didn't, you know, I couldn't stop the pouring down the of the alcohol and, and

I could never control and enjoy my drinking. And

so I was 21 when I came in. I mean, my last year everyday looked the same. And I at the end of it, last day of work, I was in Washington, DC working in a senator's office. Some guys took me out who I'd never gone out with before and they bought me a picture, you know, and, and we started drinking

and very quickly we got to that point where Adam were taking you home now, but this was my last day of work, you know, so this was party night. Finally I could really let go and they took me home. I was quite drunk and I remember thinking, well, what I'll do, I know these guys live in Georgetown. I'll just I saw my roommates car keys out and I just took them, took his car and drove all over DC

drunk that night. Eventually got a DWI and, and I,

I'm leaving out lots of my story. I like, for example, when I was a junior in high school, my dad went to his first rehab. And I mean, I knew about alcoholism. I knew I wasn't going to be one. I knew I wasn't going to be an alcoholic like my dad. And so everything was about, well, what I want to, I like being drunk. I want to control, enjoy my drinking, but I also, I'm never going to be an alcoholic, you know, And so all the time this is playing, even though I'm an alcoholic, I've turned into one. I can't stay away from that first drink, no matter what my resolution is.

So when I finally go to my first meeting and I'm sitting there

and I'm finally desperate enough to go to an AA meeting, I knew about a, A meetings and I knew about at least a year before I came in that I couldn't, you know, I had a physical craving and a mental obsession. I knew that. And I thought that would be enough for me not to be an alcoholic. But it took a few more consequences and I had the gift of desperation. And it really is a gift.

And, and I, I went to my first a meeting and I remember sitting there and people were sharing, going I'm in the right place. Finally, this is it. I mean, I knew right away I was in the right room. These were my people. They thought like I did, they acted like I did. They tried to drink the same way that I tried to drink. And it didn't work in the same ways. And I was like, like a hero's welcome. I raised my hand as my first meeting, you know, like, oh, you know, he's the greatest guy in the room, you know, and, and

it felt really good, Like this is where I belong. This is it. And three days later, I had a business trip

and I remember feeling a little concerned about it and even telling someone, you know, I'm going off. I've never been to Pittsburgh before. I've never done this job before, but I'm going to do it. And I remember someone said you'll be fine and I OK, I'll be fine. And I drank the whole week. And,

you know, I was so terrified every day that on the last day I remember was this event, I was doing advance work for another kind of high level politician at the time. And I, I remember sitting on my hotel bed frozen, like literally paralyzed. I can't move. And then the thought came,

Scotch, I'll have my Scotch tonight, it's all going to be OK. And that's what enabled me to get up from that bed and go through my day and knowing that I'd be able to blot that horrible feeling of fear

and that I had. So I, I then returned to where I was in Connecticut and, and I, and that was June 5th, 1985. And I haven't had a drink since then.

And I would say in the 1st 10 years, what carried me through was

I had enough willingness to keep going to meetings and I liked the camaraderie enough that I just kept going. And I had a little bit of a competitive edge or, or nature, which was that both my father and my brother got sober that same year after me. And that was enough

for me to stay sober. I went to a lot of meetings. I asked people to be my sponsor, even though I wouldn't say that was actually in a sponsor sponsored relationship. But there were people who were in name. My sponsor

went to meetings. I knew people. I was happy to see people. They seemed happy to see me. No one was backing away from me.

I went to some meetings where they actually read this book in the 12:00 and 12:00. I mean, I, I did service insofar as if someone elected me to be a trusted servant, I do it or pick up chairs, that kind of service. And that is good and important service. And but

I would say that I had, I still had a pretty big honesty problem. And they talk about the essentials of recovery in the spiritual experience. And they say their honesty, open mindedness and willingness. And these are these are essential. You got to, you got to have these if you're going to recover. And here was my honesty problem. One was

I don't think I believed I was a real alcoholic, despite the data, despite the fact that really I had. I had proven beyond a reasonable doubt that I couldn't stay away from the first drink. And once I took the first drink, I couldn't stop. I still had this feeling that I wasn't a real alcoholic, whatever that might be.

And, and why would that be? Well, I really am different from you in some way that I can't really define, but I really am quite different from you

because, well, for one, I had all this knowledge about my father being an alcoholic and going to Alatin and knowing all about that and you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

all of which none of which helped get me sober. But I, you know, I had this knowledge. I went to an Ivy League university. So, Oh, I'm really like, I've got, I'm smart too. So that's really, no, I had a sponsor at the time. I used to say there's been a lot of, there's never been anyone too stupid to get this program, but there's been a lot of people too smart. And he told me this almost every day because I really thought, I thought I had it all figured out. Like really,

I, I'd been in a for three months and I went back to school

and I was running the show. I didn't go to this college town and think, well, I've got to find a Home group and I've got to get a sponsor and I've got to do all these things. Instead I said, well, I'm going to take the Max course load. I'm going to be working out and get in shape. I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, you know, and like way down there on the list was go to an A meeting. And after a few days, I was literally suicidal with fear. I was so afraid that

I, I could barely move. I, I thought, what am I doing? But I again, I didn't think I got to get to an Amy, you know,

even though I'd gone to one every day for three months. I was running the show. So there there was, there was a little bit of an honesty issue with me with really saying what is the true nature of my disease? I have a fatal and incurable and chronic disease. But I held out this little thing that I'm slightly different from you, that I, you know, as a friend of mine says I was a mild alcoholic, you know, you know, and so the treatment also can be mild or certainly

I can set it up any way I want.

So what happened? Well, because my ego kind of what made me desperate when I came in, well, I got arrested. I got thrown into a squad car. I spent a night and a day in jail. I, I had horrific hangovers. You know, I had right at the end that I mean, that was it at at the end and I couldn't not drink. And after I'm sober for a while,

I'm not in jail, I'm not having hangovers, I'm kind of got all my faculties together and the desperation goes away. So what is what is there to fill in the desperation? What desperation really is, is enforced humility. And so when the desperation went away, the ego, which was really my problem, which is really my ISM, is back there full force

and it's running the show. And this is what I told myself.

I'm the person taking me to AA meetings. I'm the person keeping me sober. This was what was operating in me. And you know, I this guy who saved my life at about 3 months, I was at a meeting. I finally went to a meeting,

yeah, back at school. And I, I think I shared in the meeting, but I don't really remember it. But I remember that Ron came out to me, an older guy, and he said, do you have a sponsor? And I said no, and he says I'm your sponsor. I was kind of dumbfounded. I'm just,

first of all, I was like, well, why did he come up to me? It was a big meeting and maybe I shared, maybe I said I was new to to where I was. And but, and this is a guy who I never in the in a million years would have picked. I didn't want what he had and I didn't think I needed what he had. And I didn't like his style. You know, I mean, there was nothing about him. And yet this guy saved my life. This is this is the guy

who really like taught me

when I was full of that fear and paralysis, how to get out of bed. And he was the guy who said there's never been anyone too stupid to get this, but a lot of people too smart. And Adam, when are you going to take this program seriously? Like what? What do you mean I'm taking this seriously? I'm going to meetings. Don't you understand? This is what I'm doing in my life. When are you going to take this program seriously? This is job one, you know, and and he just had to keep pounding through this this thick skull.

And what what I learned from Ron and what I learned from every sponsor had after is no matter what happens,

if I can keep showing up to meetings and not take the first drink, that's the bare minimum and I'm going to get through kind of OK, And it's a beginning. It's just a beginning. And for me for the 1st 10 years, that was my entire program. Don't drink and go to meetings for 10 years. That and and I had relative periods of success. I had relative periods of entire insanity, but it was

dry insanity. I wasn't drinking, I wasn't using drugs. I was going it alone a lot. I moved to New York City. I was there for four years. I did ask a guy to be my sponsor. I don't know that I ever called him. And you know, I was, I was, you know, the ISM is I sponsor myself. I was sponsoring myself for four years at the end of that, that period and I, I started dating a woman who I chose who was clinically insane. And it turned very,

and I remember, you know, people like, oh, Adam, she's insane or whatever. But then what was in my head is you picked her like you sold her out. I mean, there were, there were options. You picked her, you like went up to her and then, and then you fought for this relationship knowing full well just how crazy it was. And, and I was insane and I was an associate member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was not like fully involved, but I was showing up sounding good. You know, I'm smart, so I can read the

can, I can regurgitate it, and I know what passages go with what things. But the reality is I missed a tiny little piece

that's in this book so many times. I'm embarrassed, but

I'll just read the part. That's right, the beginning of Chapter 4. Bill says this any number of ways, but he says it this way right here. So he has that great description of alcoholic If when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, yes. Or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you're probably not caught. That's nice. Now this is what he says about that.

If that be the case,

you may be suffering from an illness which only

a spiritual experience will conquer.

Only there's no other, no other way around this thing. He says. And they say this a lot of ways in here. And he keeps coming back to this. Now, if you were dying of a disease and you found out there was only one way to get over it, I think you get pretty curious about what that entailed, right? And I read that a lot. I mean, it wasn't like I was never reading the big book. I had to read that sentence and sentences like it. But I never really got curious about what it would mean for me

to have a spiritual experience and to have that be, you know, I wasn't open to that. Why? Because my ego is at play. I thought I had this all at Bay. You know, I mean, really, I was, I was so running the show. There is a, there's a great story in here about the guy named Fred. And Fred comes in, he's had his ass kicked by alcohol. And they lay it out in front of me, say, here's the deal, Fred, here's how this going. He says, you guys have a great program going. You really do. I love the work you're doing. It's a wonderful organization, but it's not for me.

And really that was my stance, even though I was still in the organization. I was. So you have a wonderful organization. It's not really for me. I like how I feel fellowship wise or whatever, but I'm going to go, I'm going to go. Good luck, you guys. That was great. And then and then it says we heard no more of Fred for a while, you know, and I was this close to being we heard no more from Fred for a while and I'll talk about that story. But then he comes back in and, you know, he's,

he's his ass is truly kicked this time. And he comes in and

he

so he's in, he's in the hospital and two members of Alcoholic Anonymous come in and they grinned and they, he didn't like that so much. They're kind of, you know, and he's and they, and he says, do you think you're an alcoholic and are you really licked? And he said, I conceded both propositions and they talked about it. And he said then they outlined the spiritual answer and

program of action, which 100 of them had followed successfully. There's a little clue in there. Right after a spiritual answer, it says program of action. You know,

if I had had any curiosity about spiritual, I might have been curious about this program of action. But I wasn't that. And he says, though I had only been a nominal churchman, their proposals were not intellectually hard to swallow. I swallowed all your proposals intellectually. I That didn't mean I was going to do them, but I yeah, that makes sense.

But the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic and meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out the window. That was not easy.

Here it is. Here's this always gives me a little chills, but the moment I made-up my mind to go through with the process, I had the curious feeling that my alcoholic condition was relieved.

Ah, another clue here, you know, making up your mind to go through with the process. Well, how can you make up your mind to go through with it if you're running the show? Your mind isn't open to these other, you know. So what had to happen for me, I got a little lucky. I I reached a kind of emotional, mental, dry drunk kind of second bottom, and I realized something had to change.

I was living in New York, I was acting, I was waiting tables. I think the 2GO together in New York for a while. I, I,

I was really a fringe member of

AA and I knew I was in trouble and I, I knew, I just looked at my life and the choices I had made in the last two years. The crazy relationship I'd lived back in my parents house for six months. Horrible idea. I'd, I'd done a number of things and I knew that the direction I was going, I, I was smart enough to know what path I was on. I was on a path I'd heard many times of people who eventually drank again.

And it kind of hit me like if I don't do something, if I don't take some drastic action, I'm going to drink again. And for me and for Alcoholics to drink isn't necessarily to die that moment that I take the drink, but it eventually means death and it's not a good death, or it means institutionalizing, and that's not so fun either. So I took a leap of faith. There were a few things involved in it, but I moved. My leap was I moved to the Twin Cities

and there are other factors involved in it, but it was a leap of faith. I knew one person here

and when I got out here, I had three months where I didn't need to work. I had been working a lot. I'd put a little bit of money away and I knew that I could do some other things. And the first thing I decided to do was I was going to go to, I was going to do a 90 and 90. I was going to find a sponsor in my first week and I was going to do a four step a searching and fearless force if I had done one at about seven months. And that was good as it goes for me. At the time I was checking the list, you know, I was a good member of a A,

but I did my first searching and fearless moral inventory at 10 years of sobriety.

And one of the things that I discovered when I did that, when I peeled away the layers of the onion,

was that I had such a deep well of self loathing that had never been dealt with, that had never been honestly confronted that how could I make it 10 years and not know that I was really still hating myself so much. You know, I could put the, you know, I LED, I was the alcoholic who led that double life. And I, I put forth the face that I want you to see. But in my heart, I know I don't deserve any.

You know, you might think, oh, that Adam, he's a great guy. You might even say, Adam, you're a really great guy. But in my heart, I know I don't deserve that because it's all bullshit,

you know? So if I'm leading that double life, it just keeps corroding and corroding and corroding. And I was for like 10 years now

would I had rather that I was drinking and using drugs all that time? Well, no, you know, but I was not I was not getting better. I was not recovering. So my roadblock early on to recovery was I lost that sense of desperation pretty quickly. And then my ego filled that just immediately filled that vacuum. And my ego told my head told me all kinds of things. My head will start running quite easily and and it will, it's trying. It'll it's where the

alcoholism resides for me today. That's why I still go to meetings every week. It's why I sponsor guys. It's why I do all that stuff. Because alcohol, it's alcoholism, not alcohol was him and in my brain

is is not on my side a lot of times when it comes to making good decisions around alcohol.

When I realized what was at the core of all this, it gave me just a little bit of willingness and open mindedness to try some things that I hadn't tried before. Among them were service. I shortly thereafter joined it was a few years, but I joined a group called OMD outright Metal Defectives meets on Wednesday nights and they have like a dozen or 14 service commitments. They pass these books around to different

jails and ADAP and detox and mental health units and all this stuff.

And for a while, you know, you can just pass them along. But if you hang out there for a while, eventually you're like, all right, I'd better sign up for one of these things. And then off you go. And it's amazing. It's amazing. And doing that kind of service was the first time in my recovery that I had done this action. That wasn't my best thinking, wasn't my best plan, and I didn't know exactly why I was doing it, except someone else told me to do it. I had made-up,

made the decision to go through with the process that Fred was talking about. Just all I had done is that I'm going to try what other people are doing without knowing necessarily why I'm doing it. And when I did that, unexpected results happened when I took a meeting up to Lino Lakes or distill water. Somehow I became a better husband and a better father. Why should that be this, this principle of unrelated consequences? Well, it's because it's a spiritual action. And

time I get take part in the spiritual program of action, I become better in all of my life. It's not that I'm just buying a little insurance against a drink, which I am, but I get better in all aspects of my life. So it still doesn't make sense to me. I'm a smart guy, configure things out. It doesn't make sense to me why going to jail and holding a meeting there should make me better in every part of my life, but it does. I joined,

there's this,

how we do it on time. There's, there's this great writing by Bill Wilson. He's he's, it's five years after he wrote the 12:00 and 12:00. So he wrote the 12:00 and 12:00 when he was, I think about a dozen years sober, maybe a few more and five years of passing. He's riding in the Grapevine. He says, I, you know, I wrote, I wrote these books and a a as an organization has grown and flourished. I sponsor all these people. I'm doing service work all the time.

Why am I feeling like I'm in spiritual kindergarten? And that's

the use the words he used spiritual kindergarten he's looking at. He goes down the list of 12 steps he's doing all this stuff and thank you. And he realizes that's it. Huh. I got a lot of talking. OK, we're going to have time to talk afterwards. I don't know how much more I have, but.

And he says I was in spiritual kindergarten. He looks at 11 and he says, I realize that I was not doing prayer and meditation. Well, again, for me, I'd heard people all along say, you know, get on your knees in the morning, get a, you know, all that stuff. And it took me a long time to do that.

I remember the first time I did, it was right around 7-8 months, maybe nine months of sobriety. I was thirsty, really thirsty. And I heard someone say, I've never heard of anyone drink who asked for help in the morning on their knees to stay away from a drink. I really don't want to drink. I'm going to try it. And I finally got on my knees. I'm a Catholic, you know, I got no problem being on my knees, right? I hadn't been on my knees in nine months, even though every meeting I go to pray, you know, ask for help, whatever. So it took me a long time because my ego was there.

Well, now I'm looking at the 11th step. I've been in the program a long time.

I've never, I've never meditated. Never, you know, And I don't count opening my 24 hour day book and reading and sitting there.

Interesting, OK, And I'm off of my day, you know what I mean? That you know, for me, I'd never tried it and I had a little bit of open mindedness to just giving it a shot. And another guy had come from Oregon and he and I started a group Thursday mornings at 6:30 in the AM.

And

I haven't been going to it for a few years. I've got 2 little kids and kind of that's where that went. But I started going to this meditation meeting. And again, why should sitting quietly in a room with a group of other people for 15 minutes have anything to do with my life? OK, maybe it calms me down a little, you know, I'll take that. But it improved every aspect of my life. Again, this wasn't my best thinking.

I had resisted this for over a decade in the program,

Umm, but here was this, you know, I'd done that reading spiritual kindergarten, try step 11, started getting curious about it, You know, for, for us who have been given this gift, and I should just speak of myself, for I was given this gift who saw what it did in my family, who's seen what it's done in other people's lives, who's seen plenty of people die from it. So I've been given a gift that not everyone gifts

to not get curious about. You know, how can I improve my spiritual life here?

How can I make how there is no end of better, right? Well, there is when this is involved in running the deal, you know, and I can

I can cut off better just like that. So these were the roadblocks to me to to really getting what do I want? I want happy, I want joyous and I want free in all areas of my life. And I didn't have anything like that

for over 10 years in this program. I had sobriety, I had some usefulness. I had

a constructive relationships as they were, but I didn't get that I had no idea of how to be in a true partnership with another human being until I do. No happy, joyous and free. I didn't get that this prayer and meditation piece is important to my spiritual growth

till I do. No happy, joyous and free, you know. And

you know, I've seen milestones along the way. One was the decision to move out here and with it right around that time.

I had been hoping from day one because I got sober in June, early June. My father went to his second rehab that August,

and I thought now my father and I can have the relationship that will always, I've always wanted, you know, you can be my dad, you know, And it just didn't work that way. It was not good. And it continued did not be good. It continued to be a struggle. And then right around the time that I was about to move away from the East,

I don't know exactly how it happened, but I suddenly realized I was at a meeting and they were talking about acceptance as the answer.

And I suddenly realized I just have to accept that he already is the dad that he is going to be to me. He's not going to be calm. This other thing, he is exactly right now my dad. And that's how he is. And to accept that. And for me, my brain had been trying to make him be something else, you know, And all I had was frustration and, and resentment about that.

And as soon as I accepted him for who he was, a radical change happened to me. And this, this will be the last thing I'll talk about.

Umm, I was plagued in my first ten years with the inability to speak simple truth. I lied all the time. And part of it was I was people pleasing. I was trying to tell you what I thought you wanted to hear from me. And I was all the time trying to figure out, OK, now the thing I'm going to say, you just told me this trip you took fishing. Well, I'm going to tell you about a trip I took fishing that never took place and a fish I never caught. But you told me that story and that's what you want to hear. Now I'm going to please you that way.

And now I'm going to go to work and I'm in charge of all these people. They're supposed to do this thing. Instead of telling them please go do your job, I'm just going to sit there and get mad and do it for them. You know, like this was how I operated in the world. I didn't want to say anything to you. Like, would you mind doing your job if it might piss you off? Now, this is not a good strategy in the world at large, you know, and, but I thought it was, I'm just trying to make everyone like me, you know, I just, And so

it's so exhausting telling all these lies, getting them all out there and trying to remember who you told what.

And I'd get caught from time to time and be incredibly shameful, but it didn't encourage me to change my behavior. But there was something about accepting my dad for who he was. I was able to really accept me for who I am. And in the seventh step prayer, we now offer ourselves, all of us, the good and bad. And what I could never come into like real terms with was some of the unsavory stuff that was in there, some of the stuff that I didn't like about myself. But that's who I am. That's all

me and what AAI think is about. Yeah, yeah, we do the four step inventory. We cut out some of that stuff that's real obvious. But I don't get to cut parts of me off. I am still the person, really. I'm that person who came in 24 years ago. But it's now like I've learned how to be in relationship with you. I've learned how to accept all of me and bring all of me in an honest way. And I couldn't do that before. I was just lying as fast as I can and moving on to the next.

And when you're lying to everyone, you don't have one real relationship in the world. And I didn't, I didn't have one real relationship in the whole world. I thought I did because I'd walk in. Hey, Adam, how you doing? Hi, how are you doing? And so when I broke through all that, that little piece followed immediately by doing a searching and fearless moral inventory, getting involved in service,

sponsoring a lot of guys actually. And I really will finish with this thing.

Here's how it worked for me. You know, I, for the first 12 years in sobriety, I was, I had about 20 relationships with women,

different women, 20 different women.

Among them were women who I thought, this is the one, this is the one that I love, this woman. Gee, this is it. And then it would always go South, you know, and I was kind of a little bit addicted to falling in love. And that feeling, that was a great feeling. But there was something else going on there too. I had no idea how to be in partnership with you. I could just like idolize you or if I really liked it, if you didn't like me all the way, because then I could work on it. I love that whole deal. And so I try to make you,

if I can just convince this person that I'm it, you know, I love that. And if you really liked me a lot, I pretty much couldn't get away from you fast enough, you know, so that what you can see, it wasn't a good, a good way of doing it. But the first relationship that really that I started learning how to be in partnership with someone was the sponsor that I chose at about 10 years of sobriety. I learned how to be honest with him and how to ask him things, how to set boundaries. That was good. And one of the things that he took

seriously and I do when I sponsor guys is I introduced him to other people in the program and other guys, and then I Start learning how to be in relationship with other guys in the program. We still haven't left the rooms of a A right now. How can I be a true friend? How can I show up? How can I do what I say? How can I be honest in that relationship? Then I learned how to be a friend to other women in the program. Just a friend, not even a part, just a friend. You know, it was like that. It just took

that kind of learning along the way.

And if you had said to me, Adam, it's probably going to take 10 or 12 years for you to figure out how to be in relationship with someone, I always said

no way, because I'm ready now. I want it now.

And, and I did because you took away all my other drugs. You know, I, I, you got to give me that one, right? And, but you know, I want, what I wanted is what I have now. I wanted to be in a true partnership with a woman. I wanted to have kids. I, you know, I want to do all that stuff,

but I couldn't figure out how to do it here and I had to, and I learned it through the program of action of, of fellowship combined with spiritual action here. So that's been my journey. I didn't do it right all the way, but you know, I heard this. I, I won't remember exactly what you said, but you know, the journey is what we're about right now. This is all we got. And I wouldn't, I wouldn't do any of it differently because we will come to see how our experience can benefit others. No matter

how far down the path we've gone, we will see. And every time I sponsor a guy, you know, who's having sex problems, who's having money problems, who's having whatever problems, I have been there. And I've been there in sobriety, you know,

that is really valuable. That is really valuable. Way more than the problems I had when I was drunk. You know, that's, you know, that's water under the bridge. So

that's all I got. I am. I'm a grateful alcoholic. I'm really grateful for the opportunity to speak tonight

and with that I'll pass Thanks.