Steps 10, 11 & 12 at the Spiritual Awakenings group in Bernardsville, NJ
And
as
most
of
you
know,
we've
been
doing
a
workshop
with
Peter
M
and
Chris
S
over
the
last
few
weeks,
You were here 🕒 8 months ago
And
tonight,
I'd
like
to
present
Peter
M.
You
can
clap.
My
name
is
Peter.
I'm
a
recovered
alcoholic.
I'm
grateful
to
be
alive
and
sober
and
at
a
sacred
place
called
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
First
things
first,
again,
thank
the
group
for
inviting
me
back
and
allow
me
to
be
here
the
last
few
weeks
and
share.
My
experience
with
this
work,
my
experiences
with
a
power
grader
myself
called
God,
my
experience
working
with
others,
my
experience
being
a
recovered
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Thank
all
of
you
for
being
here
the
last
few
weeks
and
giving
me
the
permission
to
share
what
I'm
inspired
to
share.
Thank
Bill
and
Dave
for
being
here
each
week
and
doing
what
they
do.
God
separated
me
from
alcohol
June
23rd,
1988.
I'm
a
recovered
alcoholic,
and
anything
less
than
that
would
be
falsely
humble
in
telling
you
if
I
wasn't.
A
power
grader
myself
took
me
in
1988,
separated
me
from
alcohol
and
put
me
on
a
path
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
then
teachers
were
put
in
my
path,
put
in
my
path,
and
I
sought
them
out
with
the
desperation
when
drowning
manned
away
seek
this
work
today.
And
little
by
slowly,
the
dots
were
connected
for
me
when
I
didn't
have
the
power
to
connect
them.
And
then
God
gave
me
power
to
connect
the
dots.
And
I'd
get
to
a
place
called
recovered
from
a
seemingly
hopeless
state
of
mind
and
body.
Contrary
to
what
we'll
hear
in
contemporary
AA,
where
we're
always
recovering,
we'll
always
be
thinking
about
a
drink,
it's
normal
think
about
a
drink
because
you're
an
alcoholic,
and
I
challenge
that
all
the
time,
because
my
book
gives
me
different
information
and
my
experience
proves
that.
And
my
experience,
not
only
mine,
but
countless
others,
that
will
get
to
a
place
called
recovered.
We
go
through
this
work,
hopefully
without
any
attachments,
real
attachments
to
what
it's
going
to
look
like
when
we're
on
the
other
side,
what
my
spiritual
awakening
is
going
to
look
like,
how
I'm
going
to
feel,
how
I'm
going
to
be,
who
I'm
going
to
be
when
I
get
to
the
other
side
of
the
archway,
when
I
walk
into
the
world
of
the
spirit
and
experience
all
of
God
prior
to
that
or
when
I
get
there.
And
so
we
go
through
this
work,
the
drastic
and
revolutionary
proposals
that
will
go
through
and
get
to
experience.
And
what
I
have
found
out
for
me,
and
I
speak
for
myself,
that
the
work
will
take
me
to
experience
in
God.
And
once
I
get
to
that
place,
entering
the
world
of
the
spirit,
my
book
tells
me
I've
become
recovered.
where
the
problem
called
alcohol
has
been
removed,
and
I
get
to
a
place
where
the
isms
can
get
removed
also.
They
dissolve.
They
fall
away.
The
more
God,
the
less
self,
the
freer
I
am.
And
so
we
get
to
experience
God.
But
what
my
experience
has
shown
me
over
and
over
and
over
again,
if
I'm
experiencing
God,
I'm
experiencing
presence,
mindful
of
the
moment,
moment
to
moment.
What
I'm
really
experiencing
is
silence.
And
what
my
book
has
allowed
me
to
do
is
take
me
to
God,
which
has
really
my
book
has
taken
me
to
a
place
of
silence,
silence
in
meditation,
and
silence
amid
all
the
noise
that
goes
on.
The
traffic,
the
people
talking,
the
supermarket,
the
children,
the
family,
there's
silence
that
underlies
all
of
this.
It's
called
God.
And
if
I
can
get
to
experience
that,
I
get
freer.
Even
if
I'm
feeling
free,
I
can
get
freer.
Can
I
listen
to
the
silence
between
the
words
someone
speaks?
Can
I
listen
to
the
silence
among
all
the
noise?
Because
the
silence
is
what
is
always
present.
The
noise
interrupts
the
silence,
whether
it
be
the
mental
noise
or
the
external
noises,
the
internal
dialogue
or
the
external
noises.
This
book
has
taken
me
to
a
place
of
silence.
Silence
when
I'm
speaking
now.
deep
down
within
here,
that
we
can
get
inspiration
that
comes
to
us
rather
than
from
us.
I'm
no
longer
plagued
by
voices
of
the
past.
I
can
be
present
and
be
moved
by
this
power,
silence,
mindfulness,
breath.
Which
brings
me
to
a
place
of
not
being
attached
to
before
and
how
it
should
have
looked
and
what
they
should
have
done
and
what
they
should
have
said
or
later
on,
what
they
should
do,
what
they
should
say,
how
it
ought
to
be.
I
quit
playing
God.
I
know
this
power
I
have
found
out
by
going
to
this
work
by
not
knowing,
but
not
trying
to
interpret,
by
not
trying
to
conceptualize.
It's
beyond
thought,
beyond
form,
just
like
we
are,
just
like
I
am,
beyond
thought,
beyond
form.
Beyond
name,
it
is.
Can
I
experience
that
by
just
doing
this
work?
Absolutely.
Can
I
read
other
inspirational
books
and
be
quick
to
see
where
religious
people
are
right?
Absolutely.
That's
six
cents
our
Ten
Step
talks
about.
Silence.
Hear
it?
Yeah.
If
I
can
take
that
into
all
my
moments,
I
experience
awful
lot
of
freedom.
Contrary
the
way
it
was
when
I
walked
in
here
in
1988,
where
I
looked
for
noise,
I
looked
for
drama.
It
gave
me
something.
It
gave
my
thinking
mind
something
to
do.
My
mind
is
constantly
saying,
give
me
something.
Make
more
drama.
Give
me
drama.
No
drama.
I'll
make
some
drama.
I'll
create
drama.
It
gives
me
something
to
do,
something
for
my
mind
to
think
about.
Just
so
I
don't
have
to
be
present
and
deal
with
me.
And
some
of
us
in
here
are
always
looking
for
drama,
attached
to
drama,
controversy,
problems,
never
accepting
what
is.
And
what
this
book
does
take
me
to
God,
and
I
go
past
that.
And
the
more
I'm
in
an
experience
with
God,
the
more
in
the
sunlight
of
the
spirit
I
am,
the
less
I'm
in
trouble
because
I'm
out
of
the
way.
Oh,
I'm
here.
I'm
present
physically.
But
all
the
manifestations
of
self,
the
thinking
mind
is
removed.
Pride
and
ego
is
set
aside.
I'm
present.
Right.
And
I'm
not
trying
to
figure
out
what
to
tell
you
while
you're
asking
me
a
question.
I
can
listen.
And
it
becomes
so
much
easier
to
say,
I
don't
know.
Rather
than
I
got
to
come
up
with
something
because
they
may
think
less
of
me.
All
that
stuff's
removed.
That's
why
I
love
to
practice
the
silence
in
meditation.
That's
why
I
love
to
write
inventory
when
I
have
to.
I
get
to
do
this
stuff.
I
think
I
shared
a
couple
of
weeks
ago.
Instead
of
having
to,
I
got
to,
I
need
to,
I
get
to,
I
get
to
come
to
this
meeting.
I
get
to
write
inventory.
I
get
to
pray,
get
to
meditate,
I
get
to
recover,
I
get
to
experience
God,
I
get
to
go
to
a
doctor,
I
get
to
play
with
the
children,
I
get
to
take
the
wife
here,
I
get
to.
The
alternative
is
no
choice
and
do
whatever
drink
tells
me
to
do.
So
I
had
to
unlearn
a
whole
lot
of
things
while
I
was
in
here.
Some
of
those
things
were
just
removed,
but
there
was
a
lot
of
unlearning,
finding
out
what
God
was
not
in
order
to
experience
what
God
is
at
that
moment.
Presence.
So
I
came
into
Alcoholics
Anonymous
with
all
these
belief
systems
and
a
lot
of
contempt
about
anything
to
do
with
God.
Spirituality
and
religion
to
me
was
synonymous.
I
found
out
that
this
spiritual
path
can
take
me
to
a
religious
place,
a
religious
community,
but
there's
a
little
bit
of
a
difference
between
the
two
for
me.
So
when
you
talk
about
a
spiritual
way
of
living,
I
heard
you
say
a
religious
way
of
living,
and
I
had
contempt
right
investigation.
And
I
would
bristle
at
antagonism.
And
I
came
in
with
belief
systems
and
resentments
and
fear
about
God.
What
that
looked
like
for
me.
What?
Main
problem
for
the
alcohol
centers
in
the
mind,
not
the
body,
right?
So
the
book
tells
us,
how
often
do
we
approach
God
with
a
thinking
mind
and
use
our
thinking
mind
to
figure
out
what
God
is
and
make
decisions
based
on
a
thinking
mind?
Well,
my
mind
says
God
is
this,
so
that's
God.
And
so
therefore
I
just
limited
God,
put
him
or
it
or
her
in
a
box
because
I'm
using
me
to
figure
out
God,
to
interpret
God.
And
I
could
be
the
most
well-read
man
in
the
world.
I
can
be
a
scholar
from
university.
I
could
have
the
secrets
of
the
universe.
And
it
amounts
of
a
grain
of
sand
on
a
beach
when
it
comes
to
me
figuring
out
what
God
is
and
its
power.
It
just
is
all
love
in
the
opposite.
So
how
often
do
we
go
through
our
day
and
figure
out
how
God
is?
I
know
God
based
on
my
thinking
mind.
I've
shared
this
a
million
times.
I
can
see
to
the
end
of
this
room.
If
I
go
out
on
the
road,
probably
see
a
couple
of
blocks,
and
then
I
lose
it.
Can't
see
any
further.
Behind
me,
to
the
left
of
me,
to
the
right
of
me,
in
front
of
me.
And
I
make
all
my
decisions
based
on
that
limited
sight
distance.
I
make
all
my
decisions
based
on
everything
I
can
hear.
And
God
is
way
beyond
that.
God
is
much
greater
than
that.
I've
learned
the
hard
way.
When
things
don't
work,
the
way
I
think
they
ought
to,
maybe,
maybe
it's
God
saying,
this
is
not
good
for
you,
I
need
to,
I
need
you
to
be
here.
I
need
to
steer
you
in
this
direction.
I'm
back
to
acceptance
of
what
is.
And
the
difference
between
the
happiness
that
we
always
shoot
for
and
the
internal
peace
that
we
can
get
in
here.
The
happiness,
got
to
get
the
money,
got
to
get
horror,
got
to
get
the
right
house,
got
to
get
all
the
external
things.
So
I
feel
happy
for
this
long.
I
bought
the
new
car.
I
feel
happy.
Then
I
get
the
first
car
payment.
I'm
angry
again.
Then
I'm
really,
it's
bondage.
Where
do
I
park?
Don't
hit
me.
Pull
into
the
driveway.
Keep
the
kids
away.
I'm
standing
outside
with
a
shotgun.
You
know,
great
way
to
live,
right?
Then
the
car
gets
old
and
I
start
throwing
cigarettes
in
cans
and
I
don't
care
anymore.
I
stop
washing
it.
That
kind
of
fizzled
out
and
I'm
looking
for
something
else.
Internal
happiness
is
a
different
place,
a
state
of
being,
how
I
be,
regardless
of
what
I'm
driving,
what
I'm
making,
who's
in
my
life,
who's
not
in
my
life.
Because
the
mind's
not
involved
in
that.
Mine
always
trying
to
interpret,
good,
bad,
like
this,
like
all
of
it,
able
to
see
me
over
the
last
18
years
how
many
times
I
fell
into
thinking
mind
and
freedom
with
spirit.
And
I
share
that
with
you
because
my
book
has
pointed
me
to
that
place
and
pointed
me
to
other
directions
in
order
to
experience
freedom.
And
every
time
we
show
up
to
this
work,
we
may
be
experiencing
being
free.
The
question
we
sit
with
the
do
I
want
to
get
freer.
And
if
the
experience
of
going
through
the
work
on
the
other
side
of
the
archway
was
so
glorious,
felt
so
good,
I'm
shouting
it
to
everyone.
You
know,
I'm
in
the
men's,
I'm
feeling
good,
I'm
writing
him
into
her,
I'm
feeling
great.
Everything
seems
to
be
okay.
I
have
a
different
presence.
I
feel
in
here.
Then
why
deny
myself
to
go
through
that
once
more?
What
happens
is
somewhere
in
10
and
11,
we
start
to
kick
back
and
use
sound
bites
from
the
past
in
order
to
be,
you
know,
to
use
for
present
stuff.
When
I
went
through
the
work,
when
I
had
my
spiritual
experience,
I
was
going
to
work,
All
this
leads
me
up
to
now,
what
are
we
doing
currently?
What's
my
current
prayer
life
look
like?
What's
my
current
life
of
meditation
look
like?
Where
am
I
in
amends?
Who
am
I
working
with?
Do
I
have
any
of
those
things
going
on?
And
if
we
don't,
don't
listen
to
the
mind
who's
going
to
start
to
judge
and
character
assassinate
you
and
not
allow
you
to
be
impeccable
with
your
word
towards
yourself?
Just
recognize
it
as,
okay,
I
just
woke
up
to
something.
I
need
to
do
more.
I
need
to
experience
more.
Maybe
I
should
experience
more.
I
just
woke
up
to
some
walls
that
I've
been
hitting.
So
we
get
to
experience
the
death
of
self
before
the
physical
death
when
we
go
through
this
work.
I
shared,
I
think,
the
first
week,
how
many
of
us
come
to
this
work
to
die?
When
I
was
given
that
question,
I
was
annoyed.
I
was
insulted
by
a
question
like
that.
What
do
you
mean?
I
came
here
to
die.
I
was
not.
I
turned
into
Pete
from
Brooklyn
in
about
two
minutes.
What
do
you
mean?
But
we
show
up
to
the
sponsor's
doorstep,
right?
Can
you
help
me?
Why?
Because
it's
on
us
and
we've
got
to
get
past
what's
on
us.
I
can't
stop
thinking
about
a
drink.
My
behavior
is,
it
looks
like
a
drunk
without
a
drink
in
me.
Fear
is
on
me.
I'm
living
on
page
52.
Or
we
show
up
to
the
work
after
being
in
here
a
little
while
and
we
seek
these
big
book
workshops
or
we
seek
out
a
teacher,
take
me
past
where
I
am.
If
we
look
at
that,
what
we
want
to
do
is
die.
We
want
to
experience
the
depth
of
self
because
that's
what's
in
the
way.
When
we
work
with
meditation,
we
can
experience
a
place.
My
sponsor's
teacher
called
it
nothingness.
People
call
it
pure
consciousness,
space.
There's
nothing
going
on.
There's
no
mind
going
on.
It's
pure.
It's
freeing.
It's
presence.
We
can
work
with
meditation
and
get
there,
unlike
what
it
was
for
me
when
I
got
here.
We
can
get
to
that
place
and
take
that
experience
into
all
our
affairs.
Now,
my
thinking
mind
will
tell
me
you
can't
do
that.
I
have
to
go
to
work.
I
need
to
think.
I
need
to
setting
the
children
off
to
school.
I
need
to
think.
I
need
to
go
argue
with
my
neighbor
because
he
has
the
lawnmower
going
on
on
a
Sunday
morning
at
9
o'clock.
I
need
to
think.
But
can
we
take
that
place
that
we
get
to
in
meditation
into
those
affairs?
Right.
So
we
practice
meditation
by
silence
and
silence
we
meditate.
Meditate,
we
silence.
We
get
silent
and
silence.
We
meditate.
Step
10
says
on
page
84,
this
thought,
and
the
thought
they're
talking
about
is
what
precedes
that
is
that
these
promises
will
always
materialize
if
we
work
for
them.
With
that
thought,
it
brings
us
to
step
10,
which
suggests
we
continue
to
take
personal
inventory
and
continue
to
set
right
in
any
new
mistakes
as
we
go
along.
Inventory
and
amends
is
what
step
10
involves.
As
we
cleaned
up
the
past,
and
it
uses
the
word
this
way
of
living.
And
how
it
works,
it
says
we
develop
the
manner
of
living,
which
demands
rigorous
honesty,
way
of
living,
developing
a
manner
of
living.
It's
not
something
that
I
go
to
like,
I'm
in
trouble,
got
to
read
my
book.
And
get
free
and
wait
till
it's
on
me
again.
I
need
to
call
the
sponsor.
It's
now
who
we
be,
a
new
place
of
consciousness
or
awareness.
It's
who
we
be
now.
This
is
what
we
do.
This
is
who
we
be.
Inventory,
seek
counsel,
make
amends,
meditate,
work
with
others,
give
of
myself
without
expecting
anything
to,
in
return,
a
completely
new
set
of
ideas.
We're
guided
by
now.
Were
God-inspired
rather
than
self-inspired?
It
says
I've
entered
the
world
of
the
spirit,
but
it
doesn't
mean
I
get
free
room
and
bought.
Like,
okay,
I
had
my
spiritual
awakening,
so
now
I'm
going
to
hang
out
for
a
while
and
see
what
happens.
Because
alcoholism
knows
exactly
what
I'm
doing,
right?
As
long
as
I'm
in
the
sunlight
of
the
spirit,
the
problem
has
been
removed
and
will
stay
removed.
When
I
start
to
rest
on
my
laurels,
my
accomplishments
of
an
hour
ago
or
last
week
or
last
month,
alcoholism
says,
hmm,
maybe
we
do
have
a
crack
in
the
armor.
And
the
red
flag
is
what
I
was
alluding
to
earlier
when
I
use
my
experience
of
yesterday,
my
spiritual
awakenings
of
yesterday
to
use
for
today
rather
than
going
to
work
again.
I
had
a
spiritual
experience
back
in
1975
and
it's
2006
and
I'm
still
replaying
that.
And
is
it
possible?
I've
started
to
worship
my
mind
and
intellect
and
knowledge
rather
than
God,
which
has
been
keeping
me
sober
all
along.
So
every
time
we
get
to
go
to
this
work,
we
smash
ego,
we
kill
self
a
little
bit
more.
Less
self,
more
God.
It
says,
my
next
function
is
to
grow
in
understanding
and
effectiveness.
My
book
uses
words
like
vigorously
next,
now,
launched.
Words
that
tell
me,
convey
your
thought
that
I
need
to
do
something,
need
to
move.
It
says
this
is
not
an
overnight
matter.
It
should
continue
for
a
lifetime,
continue
to
watch.
And
it
gives
me
some
things
to
look
out
for.
Watch
for
selfishness,
dishonesty,
resentment,
and
fear.
When
these
crop
up,
I
ask
God
at
once
to
remove
them.
I
discuss
them
with
someone
immediately
and
make
amends
if
I've
harmed
anyone.
I've
been
working
now
for
a
while
with
this
word
called
immediately.
There's
three
guys
I
speak
to.
When
something
comes
up,
I'll
write
inventory.
Make
prayer,
and
if
it's
still
with
me,
I'll
discuss
it
with
someone
immediately.
I
won't
give
it
an
opportunity
to
grow
and
carry
into
tonight,
carry
into
tomorrow,
then
we
get
the
emotional
hangover.
You
know
how
it
goes
when
you
wake
up
first
thing
in
the
morning
and
you're
in
yesterday,
and
you've
got
the
internal
dialogue
going
on,
we
may
be
seeking
counsel
with,
hey,
I
can't
get
past
this.
This
happened
an
hour
ago.
I'm
with
it.
And
so
we
see
counsel,
discuss
with
someone
immediately.
And
then
I
go
see
who
I
can
be
serviced
to.
And
I've
shared
this
many
times.
I
was
working
for
this
day
trading
firm,
and
I
was
an
HR
person.
And
I
went
from
the
waterfront
to
white
collar,
and
that
was
just...
it
was
very
strange
for
me.
I
had
to
learn
how
to
write
emails
and
wear
a
shirt
and
tie
to
work,
and
I
mean,
just
that
whole
corporate
thing
that
goes
on,
right?
And
there
was
a
gentleman
there
who
reminded
me
every
day
that
he
went
to
a
university,
and
I
didn't.
And
he
made
it
really
clear
that
he
was
here
and
I
was
there,
and
I
was
intimidated
and
feelful
by
the
guy
with
the
guy,
and
I
had
lots
of
internal
dialogue
about
ways
I
can
more
than
just
character
assassinate
him.
Right.
Are
you
with
me?
And
then
he
would
talk
to
me
and
I
would
be
fearful
of
coming
up
with
a
good
idea
to
go
recruit
in
Ivy
League
schools,
which
was
part
of
my
job.
And
it
got
me.
And
I
had
a
lot
of
ugly
language
in
my
spirit
about
this
guy.
And
I
called
up
my
sponsor
and
he
said,
well,
what's
the
inventory
on
it?
And
I
had
to
write
some
new
inventory
and
discuss
it
with
him
right
away.
And
then
I
made
some
prayer.
Well,
here's
what
happened.
The
guy's
in
my
path
at
work,
and
I'm
looking
for
drama,
and
it
wasn't
there.
I
was
looking
to
get
angry.
I
was
looking
for
something
so
I
can
now
get
him.
And
it
was
all
removed,
and
I
was
able
to
stand
shoulder
to
shoulder
with
this
guy,
and
here
was
the
knee
thing.
I
was
able
to
sit
with
this
guy
and
figure
out
a
game
plan
on
the
next
business
trips
that
we
had
to
these
different
schools
and
get
these
these
kids
interested
in
our
company
Without
being
gun
shy
without
being
intimidated
without
being
better
than
just
shoulder
to
shoulder
and
I
was
looking
for
drama
and
I
couldn't
get
it
There
was
a
gentleman
I
work
with
when
I
was
on
the
waterfront
and
he
did
some
really
unkind
things
to
my
dad
really
unkind
things
not
with
his
hands,
but
with
his
mouth.
And
my
dad
was
about
to
experience
some
really
severe
consequences
because
of
what
this
person
did.
And
so
I
was
on
a
mission.
John
Wayne,
that
character
was
in
full,
you
know,
flight.
And
I
was
going
to
track
this
guy
down
and
show
him
what
I
thought
of
him,
right?
Right.
But
my
sponsor
of
every
wise
man
had
me
write
inventory
on
this
guy.
And
all
the
fear
and
all
the
anger,
all
of
it.
And
I'm
working
with
inventory.
And
I'm
working
with
a
lot
of
prayer
and
meditation.
Father
fill
my
heart
with
a
spirit
of
forgiveness.
They
only
know
what
they
know.
Great
words,
the
carpenter
says,
forgive
them
for
they
know
not
what
they
do.
Can
I
work
with
that?
Well,
I'm
going
to
pick
up
a
dear
friend
of
mine
and
we're
on
a
way
to
a
meeting
and
I
get
lost.
I'm
in
Staten
Island.
I
get
lost.
And
I
turned
down
this
block
and
I
see
someone
jogging
and
I
thought
it
was
one
of
us.
I
said,
I
know
that
guy.
I
think
he's
in
the
rooms.
And
it
wasn't.
It
was
this
guy
will
call
him
Bill.
And
I
looked
at
him,
I
swear
nothing.
And
I
try
to
replay
the
old
stuff
so
I
can
do
John
Wayne
with
this
guy.
Jump
out
of
the
car,
Tony
Soprano,
jump
out
of
the
car,
you
know.
Do
all
of
that,
right?
Which
if
you
know
me,
I'm
not
a
fighter
anyway.
But
my
mind
says,
yeah,
you
can
go
fight.
I'm
looking
for
something,
replaying
the
stuff
he
did.
There
was
nothing.
Absolutely
nothing.
And
he
just
jog
right
past
me.
For
a
moment,
I
was
frustrated
that
I
couldn't
get
angry.
And
then
I
realized
how
free
I
was,
because
that
was
something
that
was
a
thorn
in
my
side
for
the
longest
time.
And
I
could
not
get
angry.
I
was
free.
And
I
went
to
pick
up
my
friend
Tom.
We
went
over
to
the
Way
Out
group
and
had
a
great
meeting.
When
I
got
home
that
night,
I
called
up
my
sponsor.
He
says,
here's
the
experience
I
had
a
few
hours
ago.
And
his
question
to
me
was,
well,
why
did
you
doubt
God
in
the
first
place?
See,
we
take
this
booze
problem
to
God.
Take
this
from
me
because
you're
the
only
one
who's
going
to
take
this
from
me.
But
the
rest
of
my
life,
I
can
probably
manage.
And
we
treat
us,
one
of
my
teachers
says
we
treat
God
like
a
person
and
person
like
God.
Turn
to
my
buddy
and
say,
listen,
you
need
to
do
this
for
me.
And
I
expect
that
he's
going
to
do
it
absolutely
perfect,
divinely
perfect
without
missing
a
beat.
And
I
put
all
the
shovel
expectations
into
this
guy's
lap.
And
he
or
she
fall
short.
And
I'm
angry.
Didn't
you
listen
to
what
I
said?
Weren't
you
paying
attention?
Right?
We
do
that
to
our
spouse
all
the
time,
right?
But
I
go
to
God
and,
oh,
he
ain't
going
to
pay
attention
to
this.
I
don't
have
expectation
that
God's
going
to
fix
this.
I
got
it
backwards.
My
perceptions
were
backwards.
And
here
was
a
perfect
incident
that
I
got
past.
It
says
on
the
bottom
of
page
84,
I've
ceased
fighting
anything
or
anyone,
even
alcohol.
Am
I
currently,
in
my
mind,
my
internal
dialogue,
am
I
fighting
with
anyone,
even
though
they're
not
here?
What's
that
look
like
when
I'm
all
alone?
How
am
I
doing
with
that?
For
this,
by
this
time,
sanity
will
have
returned
back
in
step
two.
We
return
into
this
power
to
restore
us
to
sanity.
And
step
10,
they
deliver
the
contract.
Here
it
is.
You
restore
it
to
sanity
now.
Wholeness
of
mind.
You're
not
thinking
about
drinking,
are
you?
You're
free.
Just
what
we
promise
you.
Just
what
God
said,
I'm
going
to
deliver,
he
delivers.
He
delivers.
For
some
of
us,
we
experience
it
before
we
even
get
to
10,
before
we
get
to
enter
the
world
of
the
spirit.
But
by
10,
we've
got
it,
assuming
we
have
followed
directions.
Can
I
take
my
fear
there?
Can
I
take
my
sex
life
there,
my
relationship
life
there,
my
diet
and
health
to
this
power?
Can
he
take
me
past
where
I
currently
am
to
a
better
place?
Do
I
think
that
this
is
it,
got
free
from
alcohol,
and
the
rest
I'm
stuck
with?
Or
do
I
think
on
my
own
power
I'm
going
to
get
past
that
stuff?
Or
am
I
willing
to
take
everything
to
God?
My
sex
life,
my
relationships,
my
money,
my
job,
my
health,
everything.
It
says,
for
by
this
time,
Sammy
will
have
returned.
We
will
seldom
be
interested
in
liquor.
If
tempted,
we
recoil
from
it
as
from
a
hot
flame.
We
react
sanely
and
normally,
and
we
find
that
this
has
happened
automatically.
I
don't
have
to
wheel
myself
into
this.
It's
done
for
me.
Can
I
say
that
about
other
areas
of
my
life
where
I
may
be
experiencing
some
trouble,
the
sprees
that
we
may
get?
By
following
this
work,
can
I
say
that
about
other
areas
or
am
I
trying
to
get
me
past,
my
be
devilments
if
I'm
experiencing
any
of
them?
We
will
see
that
a
new
attitude
towards
look
has
been
given
us
without
any
thought
our
effort
on
our
part.
It
just
comes.
That
is
the
miracle
of
it.
We're
not
fighting
it,
neither.
Are
we
avoiding
temptation?
It
says,
we've
been
placed
in
a
position
of
neutrality,
safe,
and
protected.
The
problem
does
not
exist.
It's
been
removed.
We
are
now
recovered.
At
this
place,
we
get
recovered.
How's
that
looking
for
me?
Inventory...
There
seems
to
be
two
schools
of
thought.
One
is
you
don't
write
out
inventory
with
regards
to
Step
10,
others
you
do.
I
was
brought
up
with
writing.
The
only
difference
is
I
was
passed
something
on,
something
was
passed
on
to
me.
I
got
attached
to
writing
a
lot,
a
lot.
It
got
me
free,
and
I
continue
to
write.
But
what
was
presented
to
me
was
what
our
big
book
says,
that
a
business
which
takes
no
regular
inventory
usually
goes
broke.
But
a
business
which
is
always
taking
inventory
will
go
broke
too
because
they're
never
open
for
business.
And
I've
seen
people
in
here
who
claim
to
be
on
this
path
with
their
lips
who
are
in
the
book.
Constantly
got
to
go
through
new
drama,
more
inventory,
new
drama,
give
me
drama
so
I
can
write
more
inventory.
And
never
being
open
and
the
experience
that
they
have
go
share
and
go
work
with
others.
And
also,
okay,
time
to
go
through
the
work
again,
but
they're
always
in
there.
I
attend
the
big
book
meeting.
somewhere.
And
there's
a
lot
of
people
who
are
on
this
path,
but
three
closet
of
the
room
is
attached
to
drama,
is
in
drama,
reworking,
rework
and
more
inventory
and
more,
which
is
a
neat
thing,
but
no
one's
getting
free.
They're
attached
to
the
methodology,
they're
attached
to
the
mechanics,
they're
attached
to
the
writing,
and
they
don't
have
time
to
get
out
there
and
get
free
or
experience
the
freedom.
So
this
was
a
great
lesson
for
me.
But
the
way
I
work,
my
10th
step
is
when
something
shows
up
with
a
resentment
or
a
fear
of
something
that
my
mind
has
me
thinking
about
tomorrow
next
week,
I'll
write
it.
Resentment
shows
up.
I'll
make
prayer.
Still
there.
I
write.
Discuss
it
with
someone
and
then
I
work
with
immediately
if
it's
not
going.
What
about
the
job
interview
next
week,
the
wedding
next
week?
You
know.
The
doctor's
appointment
tomorrow.
And
I
got
that
thing
going
on.
Job
interview.
My
sponsor
said
it
best,
need
a
job,
got
to
get
a
job.
I
need
a
job,
got
to
get
a
job.
Oh
no,
they
call
me
for
a
job.
You
know,
they
want
to
hire
me
now?
It's
constantly
going
on.
What
the
mind
says
is
impossible,
the
spirit
always
proves
to
be
possible,
and
I
forget
that.
So
what
about
that
stuff
that
I'm
looking
at?
Do
I
need
to
show
up
in
a
job
interview,
a
wreck
and
full
of
self-reliance?
or
the
job
interview
next
week,
which
is
troubling
me
tonight,
Tuesday,
I
can
get
home
and
write
some
fear
inventory
on
what's
going
on
with
me,
discuss
it
with
someone,
and
go
to
that
interview
with
God,
and
go
to
that
doctor's
appointment
with
God,
go
to
that
wedding
where
Uncle
Joe
is
going
to
be
drinking
again
with
God.
And
I
can
be
there
when
I
get
there.
I
can
be
present.
It
says
it's
easy
to
leap
on
a
spiritual
program
of
action,
rest
on
my
accomplishments.
I'm
headed
for
trouble
if
I
do
for
alcohol
is
a
subtle
foe,
subtle,
sly,
clever,
devious
and
difficult
to
detect,
and
a
foe
is
my
personal
enemy.
That's
what
I'm
up
against.
I'm
not
cured
of
alcoholism.
What
I
have
is
a
daily
reprieve
contingent
on
the
maintenance
of
my
spiritual
condition.
Every
day
I
must
carry
a
vision
of
God's
will
into
all
my
activities.
How
does
that
look
for
me?
Am
I
carrying
a
vision?
Am
I
willing
to
carry
a
vision
of
God's
won't
all
my
activities?
Even
though
the
vision
of
God's
will
is
contrary
to
my
will,
I
was
sharing
with
someone
yesterday.
You
know,
how
do
you
know
the
difference
between
my
will
and
God's
will?
Why,
I
know
what
God's
will
isn't,
and
that
starts
to
clear
up
the
picture
a
little
bit,
right?
But,
you
know,
you're
sitting
down,
you're
looking
through
the
meeting
book,
and
there's
that
fancy
meeting
in
some
nice
town
where
everyone
shows
up
on
Saturday,
looking
good,
they
smell
great,
everyone's
going
out
after
the
meeting,
not
too
much
work,
it's
a
social
event.
We
all
have
one
of
those
meetings
we've
attended
from
time
to
time,
right?
It's
a
nice
place
to
go
to.
I
want
to
go
there.
Yeah.
And
suddenly,
Spirit
says,
no,
you
need
to
go
down
to
the
Bowery,
where
it
doesn't
look
so
nice.
It
doesn't
smell
so
nice.
But
I
need
you
to
do
service
down
there.
And
suddenly,
we're
stuck
as
what's
God's
will
for
me
tonight.
Carrying
a
vision
of
God's
will
into
all
my
activities
means
taking
some
action.
I
can
go
to
that
meeting
any
time.
But
tonight,
I'm
being
moved
to
go
down
there.
And
contrary
to
what
I
want
to
do,
God's
got
me
going
here,
so
I
go.
And
it's
always
great
when
I
get
there.
God's
will
for
me,
my
experience
has
proven,
is
fulfilling.
I'm
full.
When
I'm
done,
when
I'm
done
with
my
will,
I
have
guilt,
remorse,
uncertainty,
insecurity,
the
wrestling,
the
internal
dialogue,
the
woulda,
could
or
shoulda,
God's
will
I
go,
and
I'm
full.
How
many
meetings
do
we
go
to,
and
the
topic
is,
experientially,
tonight
we're
going
to
talk
about
what
it's
like
carrying
a
vision
of
God's
want
to
all
activities.
That's
what
you'll
hear,
and
they
won't
invite
you
back.
What's
that
look
like
for
us?
How
can
I
best
serve
thee?
Thy
will
not
mind
be
done?
These
are
thoughts
which
must
go
with
me
constantly.
Am
I
doing
this?
It
says
my
life
of
walking
meditation.
We
can
exercise
our
willpower
along
this
line,
or
we
wish
it's
the
proper
use
of
the
will.
The
bottom
of
the
next
paragraph
it
says,
we've
begun
to
develop
this
vital
sixth
sense,
but
we
must
go
further.
And
that
means
more
action.
So
again,
my
book
is
telling
me
to
move
and
we're
developing
this
vital
six
cents,
one
beyond
what
we
came
here
with.
We
don't
need
to
acquire
anything.
We
don't
need
to
get
anything.
We
get
to
do
things.
I
don't
need
to
acquire
anything.
Because
all
we've
been
given,
all
we
need
for
this
journey,
we
were
given
when
we
showed
up.
Not
an
Alcoholics
Anonymous
when
we
showed
up
here.
Everything
we
need.
A
great
teacher
in
my
life
sat
me
down
and
says,
this
work
takes
you
home.
We
go
home
with
this
work.
Everything
you
need
for
this
journey,
you've
been
given.
You
don't
need
to
acquire
stuff.
What
you
need
to
do
is
lose
stuff.
The
subtraction,
not
addition,
and
not
to
wake
up.
The
less
self,
the
more
God.
The
removal
of
contempt,
prejudices,
pride,
ego,
all
manifestations
of
self.
And
what
we
get
is
home.
And
that's
where
we
have
everything
we
need
to
go
out.
If
anything
like
me,
when
I
first
shut
up,
I
talked
about
that
hole
in
the
soul,
the
void.
that
a
lot
of
us
have.
And
I
thought
I
was
empty.
I
was
full
of
me.
And
all
the
stuff
that
I
acquired,
the
pomp,
the
calamity,
to
worship
of
other
things,
fill
in
the
blank,
I
had
it,
and
it
was
not
working.
It
was
not
working
for
me.
And
it
all
had
to
go.
removal.
That's
why
the
work
for
some
of
us
is
painful,
uncomfortable,
drastic
and
revolutionary
proposals.
Who
cares
to
commit
complete
defeat?
Not
only
in
one,
but
looking
at
cell
phone
and
say,
this
is
what
I've
accomplished.
I
don't
want
to
be
this
anymore.
It's
got
to
go.
I
don't
need
to
acquire
anything.
I
just
need
to
get
rid
of
stuff
and
God
will
do
it.
So
I
show
up
to
the
work
willing
and
let
the
work
take
me.
So
I
work
with
inventory
throughout
the
day.
I'll
write
four
column
inventory.
I'll
discuss
it.
Those
are
the
mechanics,
the
resentment,
the
cause,
what
it
affects
me,
my
part,
where
I
was
at
fault.
Write
the
fear
inventory,
and
then
I
move.
Step
11.
It
talks
about
evening
and
what
to
do
during
the
day.
They
ask
us
some
question
for
an
evening
review.
My
current
practices,
when
I
wake
up,
I'll
work
with
prayer,
I'll
work
with
meditation.
In
the
afternoon,
I
work
with
the
religious
practice
for
the
longest
time
now.
And
that's
just
my
thing.
I
was
moved
to
work
with
this
religious
practice
and...
That's
what
I've
been
working
with.
And
after
I
get
done
with
this
prayer
and
this
practice,
I
say
I
go
silent.
And
in
the
evening,
I
do
the
same,
prayer
meditation.
I
got
attached
to
reading
a
lot
of
these
books
that
we
have
out
there,
all
neat
books.
But
I
had
to
read
this
book,
and
I
had
to
read
that.
Oh,
no,
I
got
to
read
this
book.
If
you
ask
me
what
I
read,
I
don't
know.
I
couldn't
wait
to
turn
the
page
to
get
it
out
of
the
way.
That
was
a
red
flag.
No
need
to
read.
That
was
becoming
God
rather
than
God.
So
what
I've
learned
is
when
I'm
inspired
to
read,
I
read.
When
I'm
not,
I
don't.
I'm
worshipping
God,
not
the
book,
not
even
this
big
book.
In
the
evening,
what
I
do,
I
mean,
if
I
retire
and
it's
8
o'clock
and
I'm
in
for
tonight,
I'll
write
review.
If
it's
11
o'clock,
I'll
write
review.
If
I
missed
anything
during
the
day
because
I
get
the
opportunity
to
write
during
the
day,
anything's
lingering
in
the
evening,
I'll
just
put
it
on
paper.
Rather
than
waking
up
on
Tuesday,
with
Monday
night
stuff.
You
know,
like
today's
answers
are
tomorrow's
problems.
We
don't
want
that.
It's
our
right
review.
In
the
day,
it
talks
about...
We
consider
our
plans
for
the
day.
It
says
on
awakening,
let
us
think
about
the
24
hours
ahead.
I
consider
my
plans
for
the
day.
Before
I
begin,
I
ask
God,
God
to
direct
my
thinking
that
it's
divorced
from
self-pity,
dishonest,
and
self-seeking
motives.
There's
the
doing
in
the
11th
step
to
work,
shopping,
pick
up
the
kids,
the
doing
we
do,
the
tasks
we
do
throughout
the
day.
But
one
of
the
things
I
need
to
consider
is
what
kind
of
spirit
am
I
taking
into
those
affairs?
How
do
I
be
when
I'm
going
to
work?
Is
God
direct
in
my
thinking?
Am
I
being
moved
by
God
or
moved
by
me?
How
does
that
look
when
I'm
stuck
in
traffic
on
the
Garden
State?
And
I've
got
to
be
there
7
o'clock
and
it's
10
to
and
I
know
I'm
going
to
be
late
when
there's
a
big
line
at
the
shopping
store.
And
I
need
to
get
out
in
a
hurry.
How
do
I
be
in
all
those
affairs?
The
first
time
I
meditated,
I
sat
with
a
non-AA
member.
who
showed
me,
she
showed
me
some
great
techniques.
And
she
literally
put
me
on
this
timer
for
two
minutes.
Be
still
for
two
minutes.
It
was
about
six
months.
I
was
in,
I
was
in,
I
was
in,
I
was
in,
I
was
in,
I
was
in,
I
was
in,
I
was
in,
I
was
in,
I
couldn't
wait
for
it
to
get
over.
My
mind
was
all
over
the
place.
Two
minutes
still,
not
doing
anything,
was
unbearable.
But
I
was
willing,
and
I
worked
with
that.
And
then
it
became
three
minutes,
and
then
it
became
five
minutes,
and
I'm
working,
I'm
working.
And
suddenly,
the
timer
was
removed,
and
I
got
to
get
silent.
I
got
to
get
still,
at
the
very
least
still.
I
heard
a
gentleman
say,
you
know,
we'll
spend
an
hour
and
a
half
figuring
out
the
suit,
shirt,
tie,
the
shoes
match
with
the
belt.
Everything's
good,
hair's
good.
It
takes
two
hours.
Five
seconds.
Hi,
God,
got
to
go.
And
we
wonder
why
we're
a
collision
with
everything,
because
I'm
running
the
show.
So
I
make
the
practice.
I
dedicate
the
time.
I
give
that
time
the
worship
it
deserves
early
in
the
morning
and
the
evening
in
the
middle
of
the
day.
The
meditation
has
evolved
for
me
and
I
have
been
quick
to
see
where
religious
people
are
right.
I
make
use
of
what
they
offer.
And
one
of
the
things
that
really
moved
me
there
was
9-11.
I
was
forced
almost
to
go
seek
out
religious
people
and
make
use
of
what
they
had
to
offer
because
my
back
was
against
the
wall
and
I
was
doubting
all
over
the
place.
There
was
something
underneath
that,
something
way
underneath
that,
that
said
everything's
okay,
pray
for
all,
but
I
need
to
be
quick
to
see
religious
people
right,
and
the
benefits
for
me
were
great,
so
I
continued
to
do
it,
not
resting
on
my
laurels
with
that.
Reading
inspirational
books,
not
to
gain
knowledge,
so
my
ego
gets
stroked.
And
I
come
back
to
Home
Group
and
throw
out
some
pearls
of
wisdom,
fix
my
collar,
and
walk
out
like
I'm
a
guru.
That
is
the
happiness,
the
quick
fix.
I
read
to
experience.
I
read
to
be
with
the
books.
So
I
wake
up.
And
I've
read
many
books.
I've
been
working
with
something
for,
it's
a
few
years
now,
by
the
guidance
of
my
sponsor,
this
thing
called
intent,
the
power
of
intent.
Right.
and
turning
to
this
power
to
see
things,
materialism
in
my
life,
if
they're
according
to
God's
will
for
me,
not
petitioning
God,
just
see
it
happening.
And
for
me,
it
started
with
physical
health.
I
was
talking
about
God,
talking
about
prayer
meditation,
and
go
out
to
the
parking
lot
and
be
out
of
breath.
I
couldn't
button
my
pants.
I
was
feeling
sluggish.
I
was
out
of
shape.
But
claiming
God.
And
that
got
painful.
I
bottomed
out.
And
I
wanted
to
go
take
care
of
myself.
I
just
lacked
the
power.
And
I
started
working
with
this
and
see
it
happening.
See
it
manifesting.
From
the
unmanifested
to
the
manifest.
See
it
happening.
Turn
into
this
power.
Meditating
with
it.
As
I
did
say
with
the
sacraments
of
penance,
work
with
that.
And
then
I
found
myself
on
a
treadmill.
And
then
I
found
myself
careful
of
what
I
was
eating.
And
then
joining
a
health
club.
And
that's
been
a
few
years.
And
I
take
care
of
this
gift
God
gave
me.
Practice
of
no
name
in
meditation.
Tremendous
practice
scared
the
hell
out
of
me
when
I
first
did
it.
The
dramas
I
was
talking
about
earlier,
my
name,
Peter
Marinelli,
means
something
to
me.
All
the
things
that
have
made
me
where
I
am.
All
the
drama,
all
the
challenges,
all
the
disappointments,
and
the
ringleader
is
my
thinking
mind
that
tells
Peter
Marinelli
can
do
this.
Cannot
do
a
lot.
Attachments.
You
say
Peter
Marinelli,
I
get
a
vision
of
what
I
cannot
do.
And
the
judge
in
my
mind
tells
me
you
can't
do
this.
And
that's
how
I
go
about
my
business.
I
need
something
to
make
me
who
I
think
I
am.
There's
someone
who
calls
a
false
sense
of
self.
This
is
who
makes
me,
Peter
Marinelli.
And
just
let's
keep
adding
to
that
so
I
can
feel
like
me.
Sure,
nothing
ever
works
out
for
me.
I'll
never
get
that
job
because
I'm
Peter
Marinelli.
I'll
never
be
rich
because
I'm
Peter
Marnelli.
You
know,
think
bad
thing
that
because
I'm
Peter
Marinelli,
you
know.
Can't
do
what
those
people
do
because
I'm
Peter
Marinelli.
I
mean,
what's
in
a
name?
Aren't
we
beyond
name?
We
literally
can
be
called
numbers.
Does
it
make
a
difference?
What
is
it
for?
Identification.
When
I
yell
out,
Joe,
Joe
turns
around.
That's
how
I
know
Joe.
Unless
you're
in
Brooklyn,
you
yell
out
Anthony,
55
guys
turn
around
the
same
room,
but
that's
a
whole
other
thing
all
the
other.
It's
about
20
Anthony's
in
my
family.
I
think
they
would
change
a
little
bit,
right?
So
I
was
told
to
sit
in
this
meditation
and
remove
the
name.
Spirit,
just
spirit,
no
name.
It
was
uncomfortable,
no
name,
just
spirit.
It
gave
depth
and
weight
to
what
I've
heard
for
years
in
here
that
where
spiritual
beings
have
a
human
experience.
I
don't
have
to
say,
okay,
God,
whenever
you're
ready
for
me,
I'm
going.
God's
saying,
let's
go,
and
I
go
with
God.
That
practice
showed
up
in
my
life
by
me
getting
to
do
things
and
having
the
power
and
the
courage
to
do
things
that
would
never
have
been
possible
for
me.
And
more
importantly,
being
freer.
The
work
we
get
to
do
in
here
with
the
disciplines
in
10
and
11
are
way
beyond
this
meeting,
way
beyond
the
book,
way
beyond
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
way
beyond
any
religious
community
we
may
belong
to
because
the
point
is
to
experiencing
the
glory
of
God.
Tremendous
stuff.
And
yet
we'll
go
to
contemporary
AA
meetings
and
we'll
hear,
all
I
have
to
do
today
is
not
drink
and
I'm
a
winner,
just
put
the
plug
in
a
jug.
You
didn't
drink
today,
you're
a
winner.
Great.
Let
me
bring
love
there,
even
if
there's
no
love
in
that
room.
Let
me
bring
love,
I'll
experience
love.
Let
me
bring
love
to
those
people
too
rather
than
character
assassinate
them.
I'll
challenge
what
they
do,
but
I
won't
character
assassinate
them.
But
that
information
sure
changes
what
we
can
get
to
do
in
here.
I
don't
think
I
talked
about
drinking
more
than
a
couple
of
times
tonight.
And
when
we're
awake,
we're
not
talking
about
drinking.
We'll
use
it
to
talk
to
a
new
person
or
to
remember
our
experiences,
but
we're
talking
about
growing
up
spiritually.
Step
12.
Page
89
says
practical
experience
shows
that
nothing
will
so
much
ensure
immunity
from
drinking
as
intensive
work
with
alcoholics.
Other
alcoholics.
Tremendous
promises
a
promise.
Immunity
from
drinking
with
intensive
work
with
other
drunks.
Not
like,
here's
my
number,
give
me
a
call.
Sitting
down
with
somebody
and
moving
them
through
the
book.
However,
God
inspires
move
the
book,
whether
it's
line
by
line,
paragraph,
bullet
the
book,
we
sit
down
and
work
with
another
drunk
intensely
and
watch
them
wake
up.
We
carry
this
message
to
our
alcoholics.
We
can
help
when
no
one
else
can.
We
can
secure
their
confidence
when
others
fail.
I
remember
to
myself
they
are
very
ill.
Has
my
life
taken
on
new
meaning?
Have
I
watched
other
people
recover
and
watch
them
help
others?
Have
I
seen
lowliness
vanish?
Have
I
seen
a
fellowship
group
around
them
and
me?
Is
it
one
of
the
bright
spots
in
my
life
working
with
other
people?
Even
the
prospect
who's
really
challenged
you,
where
you've
got
to
really
work
with.
One
of
the
neatest
things
I've
experienced
in
here
is
you
get
that
person
where
the
light
in
the
eyes
is
out.
they're
at
the
bitter
end,
and
they
show
whether
it's
after
treatment
or
coming
back
to
AA.
And
even
the
person's
been
around
here
for
a
long
time,
and
it
just
got
untreated.
And
thinking
about
drinking
or
taking
their
life,
right?
And
you
begin
to
work
with
them.
This
is
the
great
power
we
get
that
we're
no
longer
powerless
and
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
We
get
to
work
with
those
people,
and
they
start
to
wake
up.
And
then
you
walk
into
Home
Group
20
minutes
early,
and
they're
up
on
the
stage
or
in
the
corner
or
in
the
car,
and
they're
sitting
with
a
prospect.
Call
me
when
you
want
to
drink.
Yeah.
they're
working
with
others.
And
then
that
prospect
is
working
with
others.
I
belong
to
a
group
called
The
Way
Out
Group
for
a
few
years
in
Staten
Island.
It
was
a
bright
spot,
one
of
the
bright
spots
in
my
life.
It
was
just
such
a
neat
place
to
be.
And
one
of
the
neatest
things
about
the
group
was
I
would
get
there
always
about
an
hour
early.
I
just
like
being
around
the
place.
And
out
in
the
park
benches
that
we
had
there,
there'll
be
two
people
here,
two
people
there,
a
couple
of
people
there
sitting
in
the
car,
walk
into
the
meeting
room,
a
couple
of
people
in
a
chair,
up
in
a
library,
a
couple
of
people
sitting
there.
There
are
people
working
all
over
the
place
with
each
other.
And
then
we
go
in
for
the
meeting
and
to
share
our
experiences
on
recovering.
What
a
place
to
be.
How
often
we
walk
into
our
home
group
and,
you
know,
we
have
the
mindless
chatter
that
goes
on,
did
you
watch
the
game,
how's
the
weather,
but
that's
all
we
discuss.
Never,
how's
it
going
for
you?
How's
practice
going?
How's
meditation?
How
you
doing
with
the
men's?
You
know,
where
are
you
right
now
in
the
work?
I
walk
into
some
groups.
We'll
gossip
about
the
whole
planet.
Let's
be
spiritual
now.
I
only
have
a
few
minutes.
The
part
of
Step
12
is
about,
you
know,
carrying
this
message
throughout
alcoholics.
And
in
that
is
what
a
home
group
is
doing,
is
my
home
group
carrying
the
great
fact
or
not?
What
am
I
doing
as
a
sponsor?
Am
I
endorsing
someone's
delusional
mind
or
am
I,
you
know,
pulling
the
covers
when
I
need
to?
Am
I
passing
on
the
message
in
this
book,
my
experience
from
this
book
or
not?
Because
for
me,
and
my
experience
has
shown
me
over
and
over
again,
if
I
look
at
a
group
that's
getting
sick,
I
go
to
the
eldest
statesman,
if
they
have
any,
if
someone
is
in
a
meeting
and
is
around
here
for
a
while
and
they're
untreated,
I
don't
go
to
them,
I
go
to
the
sponsor,
sick
prospect,
probably
a
sick
sponsor,
certainly
a
sick
prospect.
We
can't
transmit
something
we
haven't
got
up,
books
us.
And
we
will
what
we
do,
and
sometimes
that's
untreated
alcoholism.
tremendous
responsibility
we
have
been
passing
this
message
on.
How
am
I
doing?
How's
my
group
doing?
And
am
I
taking
this
message
to
the
choir
all
the
time?
Or
am
I
taking
this
message
to
the
meeting
on
the
Bowery,
where
I
may
experience
a
lot
of
resistance
in
those
contemporary
A.A.
Meetings
will
go
down
to
the
Bowery
where
it's
rough
going,
but
pass
the
message
on
and
maybe,
maybe
plant
the
seed
and
someone
will
get
free
and
live.
The
12-step
calls,
I've
done
a
lot
of
them.
They
got
ugly.
They
were
easy.
But
it's
where
God
moved
me
and
gave
me
the
power
to
move
through.
But
I
always
share
about
what
I
feel
is
the
perfect
12-step
call.
Out
of
a
vision
for
you,
and
then
it
talks
again
about
it
in
Bill
Dotson's
story.
Lots
of
times
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
we're
worried
about
offending
the
new
drunk.
Don't
talk
about
God.
You
may
scare
him
out.
Be
careful.
He's
new.
Watch
his
feelings
or
her
feelings.
Don't,
you
know,
give
them
the
truth,
and
we'll
lie
to
we're
drunk.
Let's
talk
about
your
issues
today,
Joe.
Let's
talk
about
your
feelings
and
your
dysfunctional
family.
You
know
what?
Let's
talk
about
all
your
enablers.
And
we
get
more
angry
then
than
before
we
showed
up,
right?
Here's
what
Bill
and
Bob
do.
Bill
Dotson's
laying
in
the
hospital.
And
they
go
up
there.
It
says
on
page
156...
Very
bottom.
Here
was
a
prospect
all
right,
Bill
Dotson.
By
the
description,
not
too
promising,
the
use
of
spiritual
principles
in
such
cases
was
not
so
well
understood
as
it
is
now.
One
of
the
friends
said,
put
him
in
a
private
room
will
be
down.
And
he
says,
when
they
walk
in,
who
are
you
fellows?
Why
this
private
room,
I
was
always
in
a
ward
before?
And
the
way
this
was
explained
to
me
when
you
went
from
the
ward
to
a
private
room,
it
usually
meant
you
were
in
serious
trouble.
So
he's
laying
in
this
prior
room
saying,
I
did
it
this
time.
I
probably
going
to
die.
And
I
got
these
two
strangers
walk
into
my
room,
right?
Said
one
of
the
visitors,
we're
giving
you
treatment
for
alcoholism.
They
didn't
say
we
want
to
know
about
your
dysfunctional
family
and
your
childhood.
We're
going
to
treat
you
for
alcoholism.
That's
why
they're
there.
And
in
doing
so,
they'll
save
themselves,
right?
Right.
It
says
hopelessness
was
written
large
on
a
man's
face
as
he
replied,
that's
no
use.
Nothing's
going
to
fix
me.
I'm
a
garner.
The
last
three
times
it
got
drunk
on
the
way
home.
It
says
in
the
next
paragraph,
for
an
hour,
the
two
friends,
the
two
AA
guys,
told
them
of
their
drinking
experiences.
They
anted
up
for
identification.
They
baited
them.
This
is
our
drinking
story.
They
didn't
go
in
with
a
holy
than
thou.
They
got
down
to
where
the
guy
used
spoke
his
language.
What
happens?
Over
and
over,
Bill
Dotson,
the
alcoholic
number
three
says,
that's
me,
that's
me,
I
drink
like
that,
identification,
one
drunk
with
another.
He
understood
their
stories.
He
understood
where
they
had
been.
The
man
on
the
bed
was
told
of
the
acute
poisoning
from
which
he
suffered
and
how
it
deteriorates
the
body.
They
talked
about
the
body
and
how
it
warps
his
mind.
There
was
much
talk
about
the
mental
state
preceding
the
first
drink.
They
ante
up.
They
tell
the
guy
about
the
physical
part.
They
tell
the
guy
about
the
mental
part.
They
don't
hold
back.
They
give
him
what
he's
up
against.
He
said,
that's
me.
The
very
image.
He
says,
you
fellows
know
your
stuff
are
right,
but
I
don't
see
what
good
it'll
do.
At
this,
a
couple
of
sentences
out,
this,
both
the
visitors
burst
into
a
laugh.
It
says
the
two
friends
spoke
of
their
spiritual
experience
and
told
him
about
the
course
of
action
they
carried
out.
They
give
him,
they
ante
up
for
the
guy,
they
tell
their
story.
They
give
him
the
body
stuff.
They
give
him
the
mind
stuff.
Then
they
talk
about
the
spiritual
and
talk
about
God.
And
what's
even
better
than
that,
the
course
of
action
they
took
to
get
there.
They
laid
out
what
they
did.
You
know
what
happened
to
this
guy?
After
about
three
days,
he
considered
some
things
that
God
be
able
to
help
him.
He
never
drank
again.
Bang,
bang.
Next,
let's
go
get
someone
else.
Rather
than
wasting
time
on
the
stuff
we
hear
in
a
lot
of
contemporary
AA,
middle
of
the
road
stuff,
problem,
solution.
Do
you
want
it?
We
can
help.
Here's
what
we
did.
Let's
pull
you
ashore.
Just
hold
on.
What
we
get
to
do
in
AA,
resurrected,
reborn,
and
God
gives
the
power
to
do
this.
My
greatest
spiritual
teachers
have
been
members,
recovered
members
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
That's
all
I
got.
Thanks.
Okay.
Okay.
Open
up
questions,
comments.
Alan
Alcoholic.
Thanks
for
sharing,
Peter.
I
want
to
ask
you,
the
last
paragraph
on
page
159,
going
into
the
next
paragraph
from
160,
I
wanted
to
get
your
take
on
that,
because
it
talks
about
the
beginning
members
and
how
there
was
three
of
them,
and
they
worked
diligently
for
a
year
and
a
half,
and
after
a
year
and
a
half,
there
was
another
seven,
so
there
was
10.
And
then
it
talks
about...
what
type
of
meetings
they
had.
And
it
said
that
they
had,
they
met
every
night
in
a
casual,
you
know,
get
together.
And
then
they
set
aside
one
meeting
a
week
where
the
beginner
or
the
newcomer
could
bring
their
problems.
I
just
wanted
to
get,
what
was
your,
what's
your
take
on
that?
I
mean,
I
don't,
you
know,
like,
what
are
they
talking
about?
My
take
on
what?
On
what
are
they
talking
about
in
there?
Like,
you
know,
in...
where
the
beginner
can,
or
the
newcomer
can
bring
his
problems.
I
mean,
you
speak
about,
you
know,
about
how
contemporary
AA,
about
how
it's,
you
know,
you
go
there
and
it's
group
therapy
or
whatever.
I'm
just,
I'm
not
sure
exactly
what
they
meant
in
there.
Is
it
when
they
say
to
bring
their
problems,
are
they
talking
about
the
alcoholic
problem?
Or,
I
mean,
I
don't
know
the
history
of
AA
as
much
as
you
guys
do.
Are
they
talking
about
you
can
actually...
the
beginners
actually
go
there
and
talk
about
what's
going
on
in
their
life,
their
problems.
You
know
what
I'm
saying?
I
mean,
because
it
took
them
a
year
and
a
half
to
get
ten
people,
so
obviously
they
weren't
getting
many
people
to
follow
them
around.
And
there
wasn't
much
group
therapy
going
on,
because
otherwise
they
would
have
had
a
ton
of
people.
But,
you
know
what
I'm
saying?
A
lot
of
what
was
going
on
was
going
to
work
with
others.
They
were
doing
work.
having
an
experience
and
immediately
going
to
work
with
others.
And
they
couldn't
make
90
meetings
in
90
days
because
it
says
they
went
to
a
meeting
a
week.
And
what
the
neat
part
was,
the
family
was
welcome
to
those
places.
And
they
brought
everything
there
and
they
would
meet.
After
the
meeting,
the
families
would
get
together.
Back
home
in
Brooklyn,
we
have
coffee
breaks
in
the
middle
of
the
meeting.
Well,
we
get
up
now
and
go
for
coffee.
That
stuff
was
set
aside
after
the
meeting
was
over.
So
it
was
about
what
we
can
do
to
help
others.
And
a
friend
who's
passed
on
shared
a
lot
of
that
stuff
with
me
as
to
what
they
did
in
those
places.
When
I
talk
about
the
contemporary
AA,
I'm
talking
about
sitting
down
at
a
meeting
and
hearing
someone
say,
just
put
the
plug
in
a
jug,
make
90
meetings
in
90
days,
don't
drink
and
go
to
meetings,
play
sober
softball,
the
steps
will
get
you,
do
a
step
a
year.
They
weren't
talking
about
that
stuff.
I
can
come
to
you
and
say,
hey,
Al,
this
is
my
drama
right
now.
And
you
were
not
going
to
tell
me
back
then,
double
up
on
your
meetings,
Pete.
Okay,
we're
going
to
work
you
through
this.
God's
the
solution.
We're
going
to
help
you
get
past
this.
But
what
we're
going
to
be
doing
all
the
time
is
working
with
other
drunks.
See
the
difference
between
the
two?
How
many
meetings
do
we
go
into?
And,
okay,
anyone
want
to
start
off
with
a
topic
tonight?
My
cat
died.
Thirty
people
take
an
hour
on
their
pets
dying,
and
the
new
person
sitting
in
the
back,
the
first
meeting
is
wondering,
this
is
AA.
Rather
than,
let's
take
that
cat
stuff,
and
it's
painful,
we'll
go
to
the
diner
with
that
later.
Let's
talk
about
how
we
recovered
from
alcoholism.
You're
having
financial
troubles,
you're
having
a
relationship
troubles.
We'll
share
our
experience
on
how
we
got
past
that.
God
being
a
solution.
Make
a
little
clearer?
Mm-hmm.
Right
here?
No.
Okay.
Hey,
P.U.
Thanks
for
coming
down
this
past
couple
weeks.
Could
you
give
some
little
more
specifics
on
the
meditation,
you
know,
maybe
just
some
things
you
do
or
maybe
some
other
things
here,
other
people
do?
As
far
as,
you
know,
like,
you
know,
sitting
down,
how
do
you
sit
down?
You
sit
on
a
couch.
You
lie
down.
Do
you
stand
up?
You
know,
like,
practically,
you
know,
what
do
you
do?
You
know,
when
you
wake
up
an
hour
early,
I
mean,
you
know,
like,
you
know,
I
pray
and,
you
know,
I'm
not
a
very
good
meditator.
I'd
never
been.
Yeah.
I
could
use
it,
so,
you
know,
you
could
maybe
expand
a
little
more
on,
you
know,
like,
practically.
I
mean,
what
do
you
do?
First
things
first,
what
I
was
talking
about
earlier,
the
no-name
stuff,
if
you
heard
what
you
just
said,
gave
you
a
meditation
tape?
Okay.
That
answers
that
question.
Okay.
You
said
something
that's
really
neat,
though.
I
have
never
been
able
to
meditate.
I
have
never
been
a
meditator.
That
go
back
to
the
no-name
stuff.
Your
name,
you
can't
do
that.
That's
what
you're
saying.
I've
never
been
able
to
do
it,
therefore
I
can't
do
it.
So
I'm
probably
never
going
to
grow
in
this
area,
right?
There
are
lots
of
books
out
there,
lots
of
CDs
out
there,
on
how
to
do
this,
from
trying
it
for
the
first
time
to
as
we
evolved
with
this.
But
to
answer
part
of
your
question,
because
we
don't
have
enough
time,
and
we
can
talk
about
this
afterwards.
Posture
and
breath.
Some
of
us
sit.
Some
of
us
sit
in
a
chair
or
get
in
a
posture
on
a
meditation
mat,
posture
and
breath.
The
two
things
that
I
was
told
from
the
very
beginning.
You'll
see
a
meeting.
Okay,
we're
going
to
have
three
minutes
of
meditation
before
the
meeting.
We
can't.
Or
lean
over
posture
and
breath.
Okay.
And
it
isn't
because
God's
saying,
hey,
Joe,
your
posture
is
wrong,
so
therefore
you're
not
going
to
experience
me.
It's
for
us,
posture
and
breath.
And
we
can,
the
breathing,
every
book
I've
studied
with
meditation
talked
about
breath.
Now,
maybe
there's
books
out
there
that
don't
talk
about
breath.
But
I
haven't
gotten
to
one
yet.
Every
book
I've
read
talks
about
breath.
I
saw
a
gentleman
who
has
a
Jillian
books
out.
One
of
my
heroes,
and
I
got
to
see
him
in
person.
And
he
had
all
his
students
out
on
stage.
And
about
500
people
did
this,
like,
40-minute
meditation
and
this
chanting.
And
he
begins
to
speak.
And
I'm
waiting
for
these
glorious
words
about
he's
going
to
give
me
the
secret
to
meditation
that
no
one
else
knows.
You
know
what
he
talked
about?
Over
and
over
and
over.
Breath.
I
was
flawed
breath.
Breath.
I
was
just
wondering,
your
spiritual
experience,
was
it
incremental
or
was
it
a
sudden?
Great
question.
A
book
says
sometimes
quickly,
sometimes
slowly,
to
build
W
experience
or
the
educational
variety
over
time.
Here's
what
I
found
out.
That
best
answers
that
question.
When
God
shows
up,
God
shows
up,
and
it's
profound.
It's
sudden.
It's
revolutionizing.
We
may
get
it,
spoon-fed
to
us.
But
when
we
finally
wake
up
that
something's
different,
it
feels
profound.
So
there
were
people
looking
at
me
saying,
you've
changed,
you're
changing.
You
don't
see
it,
and
I
didn't.
And
then
one
day
it
blasts
upon
me,
that
my
whole
life
was
different,
my
whole
thinking
was
different,
and
it
was
completely
uplifting.
When
God
shows
up,
God
shows
up.
I'd
have
to
say
from
an
intellectual
place
that
it
was
probably
over
time.
But
I
don't
like
to
say
that
because
I
just
woke
up
to
it
and
that's
how
my
mind
reflects
upon
it.
If
I
think
back
to
things
that
happened
to
me,
they
were
all
profound
moments.
For
example,
I
was
in
a
halfway
house
in
Hastings,
Minnesota.
Town
population
was
me
and
a
cow,
basically.
I
was
in.
And
I'm
in
serious
trouble.
And
they
told
me
to
pray.
And
I'm
praying
like
the
desperate
for
Johnny
Man.
And
I'm
just,
God,
please.
I
don't
want
to
go
back
to
where
I
just
left
off.
I'm
just
squeezing
hands
together,
please.
I
have
one
pair
of
pants
and
a
shirt
to
my
life
and
an
old
pair
of
sneakers
that
were
given
to
me.
And
I'm
living
in
this
halfway
house.
And
it
was
a
Saturday,
not
yet
noon.
I
can't
find
out.
I've
shared
this
maybe
three
times
in
my
life.
There
was
some
guys
outside
playing
basketball.
And
I
finished
praying.
And
I'm
telling
desperate
prayer.
Please
don't
take
me
back
to
what
I
just
left
off.
I'll
do
anything.
Pray.
Keep
me
clean
and
sober.
And
I
sat
on
the
edge
of
the
bed
and
then
something
happened.
I
didn't
know
it
until
it
was
over.
But
there
was
something
that
went
on
within
me
that
I
can't
describe.
But
it
was
the
most
comfort
or
bliss.
I
don't
know
if
it
lasted
for
a
minute
or
an
hour.
I
have
no
idea.
What
I
do
remember
is
two
things.
I
looked
around
the
room
and
it
looked
different,
like
as
if
I
wasn't
in
the
same
room
for
a
brief
moment.
The
guys
who
were
playing
basketball,
they
were
really
loud.
They
were
right
below
my
window.
When
I
was
done
with
that
experience,
I
realized
I
didn't
hear
them.
When
I
got
out
of
that
place,
they
were
going
again.
I
heard
them,
and
I
said,
I
didn't
hear
them.
It
was
an
incredible
thing
that
went
on
within
me.
And
it
was
one
of
the
first...
tastes
of,
I
think
I'm
going
to
be
okay.
I
couldn't
describe
it
at
the
time.
I
know
what
it
is
now.
But
I
could
not
say,
well,
I
just
had
a
God
experience.
Let
me
go
to
Home
Group
and
share.
It
was
too
great
to
even
share.
It
was
too
pure
to
take
away
inner
sharing.
Maybe
that's
why
I've
only
shared
this
a
couple
of
times
in
my
whole
sober
life.
So
we
can
say
little
by
slowly,
but
when
we
get
that
stuff,
something
happens.
Yeah.
And
what
came
out
of
that
was
that
first
little
thing
of,
I
think
I'm
going
to
be
okay.
And
I
couldn't
describe
that
suit.
Until
I
get,
I
have
this
bad
tendency
of
waiting,
I'm
Susan,
I'm
an
alcoholic,
this
bad
tendency
of
waiting
until
my
life
gets
chaotic
of
getting
back
to
doing
the
right
things
and
getting
back
into
order.
I
get
real
lazy
in
between.
It's
a
pattern.
Right.
I've
been
sober,
a
few
24s,
but
I
don't
want
to
drink,
and
God's
been
really
good
to
me.
But
a
lot
of
difficult
things
have
been
going
on
financially
with
work
and
the
contract
crashed,
and
I
don't
have
a
job.
A
lot
of
the
things
you
just
said,
I
was
like,
oh,
man,
God
equals
silence
and,
you
know,
get
out
of
my
own
brain.
But
I
guess
my
question
is,
how
do
you
stay?
I
repeatedly,
Peter,
I've
known
you
since
Staten
Island
when
I
got
sober,
and
I
repeatedly
hear
that
you
stay
on
the
path.
And
I
want
to
know
how
you
stay
so
diligent.
In
the
times
when
it's
easy,
you
know,
you
get
caught
up
in
the
job,
and
everything
seems
to
be
going
good,
and
I'm
starting
to
pay
the
bills
off.
And,
you
know,
I
recently
made
a
huge
move
from
the
West
Coast,
and
I
just,
I'm
starting
to
go,
whoa,
you
know,
and
it
all
kind
of
crashed
through
last
week.
And
I'm
back
to
the
basics,
but
that's
where
I
seem
to
go.
And
God
always
seems
to
be
there.
And
I'm
sure
he's
there
in
between,
but,
you
know,
I'm
probably
not
giving
back.
And
I
guess
I
want
to
know
what,
how
do
you
stay
so
diligent,
you
know,
and
level
and
balanced?
I
have
a
problem
with
balance.
First
things
first,
I've
taken
no
credit
for
anything
good
in
my
life.
I'll
take
full
responsibility
or
anything
I
screw
up
and
fall
short.
I
got
real
clear,
real
clear.
Of
myself,
I
am
nothing
to
Father
do
with
the
works.
I
got
real
clear
on
that.
I
got
real
clear
on
what
happens
to
me
when
I
move
away
from
this.
I
got
really
clear
on
that.
And
I
got
really
clear
on
praying
for
willingness
to
do
this
work.
You've
heard
me
shared
a
million
times
from
doing
these
type
of
deals.
I
pray
for
willingness
as
I
did
at
the
very
beginning
18
years
later.
I
turned
to
my
Heavenly
Father.
Thank
you
for
the
willingness
to
continue
doing
this
work.
Because
based
on
me,
I'm
resting
on
my
laurels
and
a
prey
to
my
external
conditions.
I
feel
good.
My
life
is
manageable.
I'm
good.
Don't
need
to
continually
seek
this.
Thank
you.
23
to
43,
those
pages
got
me
real
clear
on,
I
need
to
be
a
seeker
of
God,
or
I'll
experience
the
or
else
they
talk
about.
And
I
only
got
clear
on
that,
not
because
it's
a,
you
know,
the
special
club
that
some
of
us
get
to
visit.
I
got
real
clear
on
that
because
my
life
was
so
much
in
the
toilet
when
I
got
here
and
my
first
six
months
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
my
bottoming
out
from
time
to
time,
I've
argued
with
God.
I
bargained
with
God
over
the
last
18
years.
I
try
to
manipulate
God
like
I
was
a
God
stronger
than
God.
But
I
got
real
clear
on
those
three
things.
Of
myself,
I
am
nothing
the
father
do
with
the
works.
I
show
up
to
the
altar
like
a
willing
student.
You
point
me.
I'm
real
clear
on
what
happens
to
me
when
I
point
me.
I'm
working
with,
I
started
to
get
into
my
current
practice,
I
got
away
from
it.
One
of
the
things
I'm
praying
for,
not
only
to
do
this
work,
but
I'm
working
with
four
words,
purity,
honesty,
unselfishness,
and
love.
Tall
order.
I'm
working
with
that.
I
see
little
things
manifesting
from
time
to
time.
That
is
not
of
me.
We're
out
of
time.
Okay,
we're
out
of
time.
Thank
you.