Steps 4, 5 & 6 at the Spiritual Awakenings group in Bernardsville, NJ

Are going to have Peter M and I'll just turn it over to Peter M

you can explain it.

Thank you

everybody. I'm Peter. I'm a recovered alcoholic,

grateful be alive and sober and at a sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous, and

grateful be anywhere today, sober and in the sunlight of the spirit, contrary to the way it used to be. I had an A a birthday last week and I could not help but reflect on where I had been. It was in fact in the last few years. It's the most reflection I was moved to do as to where I had been and where this power moved me to.

It was an ugly scene for me in 1988, living in a back of hallways in panhandling for a drink and dying of untreated alcoholism and still trying to figure a way out. And my contact with a higher power back then was I just wish she would take me and I could go home to him and and get rid of this and save everyone. A lot of grief and and death look like a good way to go at the time and he had other plans for me and I'm really grateful for that.

Very grateful for this gift of sobriety and continuing to give it back to others as God sees fit and gives me the power to do so.

My experience has proven to me when we stop passing this message, the message in a big book, Alcoholics Anonymous to others. We have no Alcoholics Anonymous as a fellowship as we know it and the question to ask is how many meetings do we go to? And this message is not being passed on, but rather we had bad, we hear bad group therapy column two meetings and a newcomer walks out with no solution on how to recover from alcoholism.

So I have a responsibility and God gives me the power to carry out that responsibility when I show up to the altar with a spirit of willingness

and what brought me to a place of willingness with circumstances,

how do I help others? Teachers are put in my path. I wake up, I recover and go back into the, into the sordid spots and Alcoholics Anonymous or the pockets of enthusiasm and wait at the door and see who's available. I mean, that's, that's why I'm here. I'm, I mean, I'm really grateful to do workshops like this. I get to do a lot of these things, but my primary purpose here after staying sober is to help another drunk. This is the fun stuff we get to do, but it's about being in the trenches and working with others, having people come to your house, talking to them on the phone,

getting one at midnight if you have to.

Very grateful to this group for inviting me back again and allowing me to do this, and for Bill for taping and doing all the hard work he does. My experience has proven to me that simply your spirit has an extended invitation to mine,

and when that happens, we commend shoulder to shoulder upon a common journey. My life is not my own anymore. My life is one of invitation. I get invited to go places. I get invited to family. I get invited to gatherings. I get invited to Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't volunteer. Hey Chris, pick me to go speak.

That's arrogant and I speak for myself. My life is one of invitation

and God speaks through group conscious and I was asked back here and I'm very grateful for that. We get to commend shoulder to shoulder upon a common journey when we follow the rules in a big book, when we follow the suggestions in a big book, when we walk in the sunlight of the spirit, we get to experience something called bliss. And for each one of us that's different, but it's bliss nonetheless. In that words even fall short because we're experiencing a glory of God, which this work allows us to do.

We get to, by doing this work, we get to understand the difference between

being attached to happiness and and and experiencing inner peace. And there's a big difference. When I was in here, I was looking for happiness. She'll make me happy, that'll make me happy. The one will make me happy. And that that's good for the for the 100 yard sprinter, but not for the long distance runner, which is what we need to be in here.

Happiness is really predicated on my perceptions of things being good,

and I'm constantly looking to feel happy, needing, wanting, needing, wanting. Got to feel happy, got to feel happy. And what this work does is dismantle all of that,

levels me and bills me up again where I get to experience God or inner peace. And regardless of what's going on out there, whether I feel happy or sad,

where they feel joy or sorrow, there's something going on in here that allows me to move from moment to moment to moment to moment. Everything's OK accepting what is

and my journey, my journey reflects that because I go from point A to point B. And how do I, how am I being in my journey? What this work allows me to do is experience God, because some of us may want to be, you know, own a company.

I know a lot of us, when we get in here, we all want to be counselors. We want to go become alcoholic councils and cure everybody. That's how I was at the beginning. And that was a rude awakening. But we have these things we're going to, we want to become.

And some of us get there and we look back and we caused a ton of wreckage and trying to get there

because of self seeking, manipulation,

character assassination, gossiping on the way to get to our goal.

And some of us walk with this power. And whether we achieve those goals or not, at the end of the day we put a head on a pillow and all's OK.

So I don't look to reach

out of poverty, out of riches and inner poverty.

I look to experience God. I know people in Alcoholics Anonymous

who have made lots of money, have done great things,

never never visited this work

and they got there by doing a lot of things that don't don't really reflect someone in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I just want to experience this Power in this book allows me to do that. So regardless, again, of what's going on in my external world, which is not the remedy for an internal condition called alcoholism, I'm OK. We get to experience God. Last week there was a question about me referring to Step 2 as the solution,

and I've said it a million times from a podium that the work we do in here in alcohol Islam is all the work we get to do in alcohol extonomas, all the step work, all the service, all the fellowshipping a pointers to experience God. Their point is to God. But what I meant specifically was Step 2 talks about this power taking me this arrival point. I will get to a place of wholeness, of mind, sanity,

when I'm no longer thinking about a drink because I'm in the sunlight of spirit. And that's where we're headed for.

And I hope that clears things up for a few.

And I will always say that that Step 2 shows me a solution that God is infinite. Mercy will take me to a place of wholeness of mine. I can't will that self on my own. I just follow a few simple rules in this book.

I just want to go back to page 62 for a minute. If we can just shoot there for a second.

See, some of us may be experiencing freedom right now, and the question we want to ask is, do I want to get freer? And do I think I can take me past where I currently AM?

Or do I need to seek this power?

And those of us who are experiencing any sort of bondage in any area of our life, this book gets to meet us where we currently are, and we can get past that if we experience this power. Because if not, what I'm trying to use is me to overcome me. I'm trying to use self to get past self,

and I'll read inspirational books and I'll go to retreats and I'll listen to motivational speakers and I'll do a lot of those things and it'll feel good for a few days and then I'll bottom out again.

But if I get to experience God, I'm free

and my book will allow me to do that.

Page 62 says selfishness and self sentenced. That we think is the root of our troubles. And you can underline the word root if you could imagine this tree of illness called alcoholism.

Bill says his newfound friend had to take it hate, take away his his defects of character, root and branch.

They use the word stem. In our book. We have this tree of illness and a lot of contemporary AA to simply, you know, trimming the leaves, trimming the branches a little bit. And what happens? Everything grows back. And our book is talking about this drastic and revolutionary proposal. We're getting everything ripped out, roots and all, and placed in new soil.

Our roots, grass, new soil.

A book is really clear on what they're doing for us. It's drastic, it's revolutionary and for some of us, incredibly painful going through the archway. Because what we get to do in Step 4 is look at self, hold a mirror up to self for the very first time. For some of us, the very first time. And who cares to do that? It's easier for me to point at you for my troubles,

but my book is clear again, when it says the troubles arise out of ourselves, it's an internal condition. Regardless of what's going on out there, regardless of who did what to me, my book says the troubles arise out of me. Troubles were of my own making. That's why Step 4 says, well, let's disregard what they did entirely. Let's hold him here up to you, Pete, and see where you fell short. How you live with this resentment when you had an opportunity not to. How you nursed a grudge for 20 or 30 years. How you continue to hate people. How you continue to get character assassinate and gossip

you felt justified in so doing

all stuff. A great, great prescription to get drunk again.

See, the thing about resentment? Our book says the great reality is deep down within, right in chapter 2, Agnostics, the great reality, God is deep down within you, you, you, the whole room.

I had five spiral notebooks on my first time sitting down and writing Inventory of Resentments. My sponsor almost bailed on me when he saw that. Get somebody else

Resentment after resentment after resentment after resentment. A great reality deep down within. Which means I'm blocked from you. Which means I'm blocked from you. Which means I'm blocked from you. Times that by two or three hundred

completely block from this power.

Add to that belief systems contempt,

a sex life

that was distorted with perceptions and belief systems fears that own me. I got to see how fear and sex walk hand in hand. I never knew that

belief systems attached to fear. My entire third column attached to fear.

I got to see all of this stuff.

Page 62

Selfishness and self sentenced that we think is the root of our troubles. Driven by 100 forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking, self pity. We step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. We step on others, column one. They retaliate, we get angry with them. Column two.

Sometimes they hurt us, and seemingly without provocation, without being provoked. But we invariably find that sometime in the past I made a decision based on me, which later placed me in a position to be heard. Are troubles we think are basically of our own making. And if it wasn't, that means I'd have to go around changing everyone rather than turning to this power and let him build me the way he sees fit.

My book tells me they arise out of ourselves in the alcoholic is an extreme example of self will run right, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we Alcoholics must be rid of the selfishness we must or it kills us and God makes that possible. And over and over over again. My book is going to refer to

experiencing the death of self, which four through 9 will do,

and God is the one who's going to do that. I can't do that on my own other than suiting up and showing up to this work.

Successful living is daily dying.

So the question I have to kick out. When I first heard it I thought it was pretty drastic and to tell you the truth, I was a little taken back by the question. But how true is this question?

We show up to a sponsor's doorstep. We show up to a workshop like this.

Aren't we looking to die?

Someone told me that you're here because you want to die. I said no, I'm in an AI want to live.

No, you want to experience death,

not the physical death, but the death of self. We show up to a sponsor, a newcomer. I can't take it anymore. I got to do something. Can you help me? What they want to do is experience the death of all the manifestation that are killing them. We show up to workshop, some of us just to acquire more knowledge, some of us maybe to have a new experience, and some of us to get something to get us past where we currently are. Because we current where we currently are is a little too uncomfortable. The heat's on us again. We're experiencing page 52, and that's got to go. Well, guess what?

We want to experience the death of self once again. That's a great thing, by the way, as drastic as that sounds.

And I know every time I show up to my sponsors, OK, I feel like I need to go through this work again, take me through this work again. And I know intellectually what it's going to involve.

New third step house cleaning, current amends, new disciplines.

And I know it's probably going to make me uncomfortable, but why not give that to my spirit? Why not wake up once again rather than staying stuck where we are? If it felt so good the first time, and the second time, and the third time on the other side of the archway, why would I deny myself that?

So I continue to rework this stuff.

How many of us ate

yesterday?

Then how many of us ate today? Also,

why did I need to eat today if I ate yesterday?

Well, because we got hungry.

And if we continue not not to eat, we'll get sick and then we'll die.

And so my sponsor asked me a question. If you did the work a year ago, two years ago, five years ago,

why not continue to do the work and nourish your spirit, nourish the soul?

And so I reworked the steps regularly.

On the bottom of page 62, it says this is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decide that hereafter in his drama of life, God was going to be our director. And if you could, if you could put on a sheet of paper, you don't have to do it now, but just see this on a sheet of paper, God and director. At the top, a director tells the actors what to do.

God's directing my life,

it says. He is the principle. We are as agents and on one side of the paper I put principle, on the other side of this page I put agent. Michael Jordan is the principal. He hires an agent to go out and represent him.

Michael Jordan gives him the power to go out and represent him. God is the principle. He gives me the power to go out and represent him, gives us the power to go out and represent him.

They carried a vision of his will into all my activities. Paid 68 says God will demonstrate through me what he can do. We have been given great power in Alcoholics Anonymous,

it says he is the father, we are the children. What does the father do? Provide his children with everything they need.

He used employer. I'm the worker for him

and I go do God's work.

On page 63 it says established on this footing, we became less and less interested in ourselves. I like it on the line. The words less and less,

less and less interest in ourselves, our little plans and designs, and more and more underline the word more and more, please. We became interested in seeing what we can contribute to life in one page. We're going from being consumed with self

to be unless consumed about me and more involved in what I can do for you.

Tremendous promise based on how I came in here. My book is telling me it's going to be this way.

And here's where many of us fell after the third step. When a sponsor is OK, we're going to do step four and suddenly we think we need a new sponsor,

right? Right,

because we look at we got an idea of what it's going to look like

all coming from the mind. We got an idea of what it's going to be like by listening to some of the comments or some of the contemporary a mean and say, don't do that for step. You're going to get drunk. It's really a lot of work. And we fail to see the people who are living in the sunlight of spirit because it'll work. They did right? And we get attached to the outcome, what it's going to look like, what it's going to be like. And we get consumed with becoming this or that

rather than just being with it and knowing that God is going to move me from moment to moment to moment in my 4th step.

So some mechanics, we make a decision. Step three. And next we lost out on the course of vigorous action, which means now,

and that's on the bottom, bottom of page 63. Now we thought we, I remembered doing a third step prayer at my sponsor and I moved right into inventory. He didn't tell me. Let's work the first three steps through the a a wall that's back in Brooklyn. They say that through the a a walls 123123. They forget to say 123 drunk then 123 drunk right

or due to step a year you're not ready for your 4th step. Get your life together then do your 4th step right. If I could have got my life together, I stopped drinking, not come to a A and I would been a happy camper. But that never materialized for me.

So after the third step, I launched on through a course of vigorous action, first part being a house cleaning.

I had to search out the flaws in my makeup, not yours.

So in the first column we list the resentment.

Interesting thing happened to me and just coming up with a first column, I was living in the streets, panhandling, living the way I was doing. I come into Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm living in this nice little little studio apartment and given my 4th step and going from living the way it was to where the way I was in my four step, suddenly without prayer, I thought of, well, maybe I need to. It's before I write. I should really fix the place up a little bit, right?

I was sleeping among God knows why, and suddenly I'm worried about how the apartment's looking before I write this fourth step.

And then what would happen? More self would get in the way. Say, well, Pete, you know it's going to be a long night because we're going to do a lot of writing tonight. You should eat

right? And all those AAS make coffee. So let's make some coffee and eat. And then I got done doing that. OK, I'm going to go right. We should digest our food a little bit and watch a little TV. And then I'm going to go right And I'd fall asleep

or I get get get myself to what? A pen in my hand and the pad in front of me. And I'd start to write and say, well, he doesn't need to know about that. I was attached to the outcome of what it was going to look like. Total total self-reliance, total agnosticism. He may think less of me if I give him that one. And no one's going to know about my sex life.

And quickly, quickly, I started to get sick

and I showed up to my sponsor one day and I told him what was going on and I'll clean up the language a bit. But he told me about my third step decision, that God was going to move me through this and what happened to prayer before I write. So I would encourage anyone, everyone, to make prayer. My prayer was simple. Thank you, Father, for allowing me to be searching, fearless, immoral.

What was my motive? Not to pick up a drink and go help others. That was as pure as I can be at that moment. That was good enough because God don't make too hard turns. But I had to Get Me Out of the way and go to this power. My intent was good, but my actions lacked power. I couldn't pull this off on my own

and here's anything when we follow directions in a big book alcoholic synonymous with my thoughts that and I turn to this power to be searching fields from all or whatever prayer you take to this power

and I show up with a spirit of willingness. When I get done. My thought step is perfect, perfect in spirit isn't it?

Why would God do anything less than perfect? And when I had to get was. I am not writing this. The pen is a spiritual translator.

I'm showing up. I'm the instrument, and God's revealing this. And if you ever done a footstep thoroughly besides it disturbing you, if you haven't gotten disturbed in your 4th step, you're not writing a fourth step. I'll tell you that up front.

And when not writing about all the wonderful things we did and the great people we are,

I'm looking at causes and conditions that things that have taken me back from to a drink to. Helping the old lady across the street is a nice thing, But I don't have to write about that. My sponsor really don't care about that. You know why? Because he's convinced once I wake up I'll do that automatically.

But I'm getting down to things, causes and conditions. And it's not about good and bad, it's just things that are blocking me. Uncover, discover, and discard the obstacles in my path.

This is work in a vision few. They use the words patience, willingness, and labor. Laborers work,

and so I make prayer.

And that's what I had to do, make prayer. And little by slowly, I began to write.

And I started writing. I went back through my life the first time through the work, and I start listing names. And it wasn't up for me to decide to, well, they're not that important. I don't need to write about this. The pen gave me the name and I wrote. I did not deny the spirit. I couldn't even if I wanted to

and I follow directions on my 4th step in spirit is perfect. Where do I think these resentments and causes are coming from?

Do I think I'm the one delivering that? You know, when you're writing an inventory and you go, why are I forgot all about that?

And stuff comes to you

that's coming from God. We turn to God to do this and God says, OK, here's what's blocking you from experiencing me. And so anything, no matter we may walk down some very sordid spots in our life, some very sordid moments in our life, from very uncomfortable moments in our life, as it ought to be.

We're visiting places that we'd like to tuck away in some circumstance, some instances, correct.

But God's gonna walk me through 'cause she's the one revealing it to me, like a father walking his child. Walk with me. This is what's in the way. I'm gonna get it out of way for you. Here's the work to do it. God reveals to me over and over and over again. So whatever shows up on our 4th step, no matter how uncomfortable it is, it's coming from a loving Creator because it's another obstacle that's blocking me from experiencing Him and being of service to Him.

And trust me, when you start to hear fifth steps, you'll hear the same uncomfortability in the person reading back to you. And you know where they they hit that little bit of a wall just by watching them.

In the first column, I listed all my resentments. In the second column, the reason why I was angry, a person in column one, there were times going through the work for the first time. I wrote down a name and says, well, I don't know if I have a resentment with this person. And I call it my sponsors keep writing.

And I got done with my first column, and the last two names that went in there were me and God.

And I felt incredibly disloyal for putting down God's name in the first column. I thought the sky would open up and I would die,

right? But God revealed that to me. You're angry with me. Let's talk about it,

right? And I didn't believe how angry I was at God.

Resentment God took mom. Resentment God didn't fix mom. It went on and on and on and on, you know,

and I sought to write my causes and I was told be very generous with paper. There's a lot of it. I was squeezing like 55 inventories on one loose leaf sheet, you know,

And that we get to the third column. It talks about these seven areas, pride, personal relationship, self esteem, security, ambition, pocketbook, sex, relations, pride, how I think others see me

and what I got to do later on and later fought going through the work. The 2nd, 3rd and 4th time. Fifth time was open up this third column and if you're not doing that, that's OK. But this was just something for me when our books as we considered it carefully. I get to consider my third column real carefully. Why I get to see all the fear attached to those areas of self

pride. No one should see me. No one should know about

my boss, scolds me in front of my Co workers effects my third column pride. No one should see me getting scolded by my boss. You know walk into a meeting and the sponsor confronts me on something in front of a group. No one should see that happen. Effects pride. Why You will think less of me. What does that mean? I'll be alone. You won't like me. What does that mean? I'll experience abandonment. I'm going to die. Fear attached to pride. Person relationships is another area in the third column. How I think this relationship should should look.

Have an argument with the husband or wife,

he or she's in the first column. The reason why in the second column person relationship, this relationship ought to look this way and I'm attached to the way it should look, right? And it isn't looking that way right now. And somewhere, somewhere I'm I'm I'm thinking I'm listening to well, this may be the fight to end all fights. That means I'll be alone. That means she's going to leave me. I'm not good enough. I'm abandoned, I'm alone. Die, fear,

it's all subtle. It's way back there. But when we get to uncover and discover, trust me, it's there

in different extremes,

different severity for some of us, but it's there

self esteem, how I see or feel about myself right out an inventory to high self esteem. I'm a step worker, I'm a guru, you know, I sponsor people. I'm a spiritual person, which sets me up for a huge expectation. Then how dare you? If I see myself this way, how dare you do what you did to me? Don't you know I'm a spiritual person? Don't you know I'm an, a a guru, don't you know I sponsor people? Don't you know I go to my religious community? How dare you do that to me?

The high self esteem is an open invitation for resentment.

The inflated self esteem.

Reverse the coin and it's I deserve everything you give me because I'm not worth much anyway.

I'm a loser.

I'm no one

sex relations, not only sex, but my ideas, my roles of how a woman ought to be and how a man ought to be.

Get to look at belief systems just by examining that and how distorted they stall it. That that was a wake up call for me going through the work,

how I still was holding on to belief systems, subtle as they were, they were there. And guess what? That would determine how I would act towards women, how I would act towards men. Men, John Wayne, throw a punch first, ask questions later, walk through a wall. Don't show them you're hurting. You know all this stuff

and women ought to be this way. Trust me, all of that stuff is going to affect personal relationships with others because I never see someone as a child of God, but I see them as this generalization.

So how could I be present with you? How could I appreciate you and your uniqueness when I have you in this category? Men. Women

security, what I need to be OK, They're not giving me what I need to be OK. I need really comes down to I need you to do exactly what I want you to do for me to be OK. How often do we show up to relationships and relationships, you know this give and take. We compromise, we lean on each other, we support, we talk, we communicate right? But beyond that, how often do we show up to relationship demanding you give me what I know I lack?

And when you don't, don't get incredibly angry. You're all over my nightly inventory tonight,

right? Demanding you give me what I lack.

Arrogant about it, controlling it, Manipulating when that person may be only capable of giving so much. I get to see.

I get to see me play in God when I write out step four. I get to see me playing God in every area of my life,

my ambition, what I want. Has that hurt into feud or threatened

have an argument with the husband or wife? My ambitions hurt and to fear the threat and how they're not doing what I want. I need them to be a certain way or I don't want to go home because I don't want to get involved in that. I don't want to be around that person.

Ambitions hurt into feud or threatened. I don't. I had an argument with Joe at the Monday night meeting. He's a loudmouth. He's pompous, he's arrogant. Had a big blowout with him. He's in my first column, second column, the cause, right? My ambitions hurt into field are threatened. You know why I don't want to go back to that group anymore? Because he's there and I see how I gave him an awful lot of power.

Who wants to look at that?

All the manifestations of self in column four. That for me is the problem because I look at 3:00 and then I move over to column four and I get to see me on paper

where I was selfish and self seeking the Great Expectations. I put on people my dishonesty and justified the dishonesty and it goes on and on and all all parts of self in the fourth column. If I was to ideally eliminate everything that showed up in column four, nothing in column three would be affected. I wouldn't be angry with the person in column one. I would be free.

I get to see me in column four, and that's where it really hit the road for me. And that's why a book says we're prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle.

We get to see how the world and its people dominated us. If I have a resentment with someone in this room tonight and I go to Mexico tomorrow, guess who's showing up in Mexico with me, right? They're attached to my hip until I get past that.

I get to see me playing God. But the 4th column for me was really rubber hitting the road

because I had to disregard what you did entirely. Our book is clear on that. Disregard what you did entirely. Even even if you did something that was unkind to me, I had to disregard that entirely, not just a little bit entirely, and put the mirror up to me. It's OK. Where is my part?

Nursing a resentment? Character assassination? A lot of things we do to justify the behavior behind our resentment.

See, this is spiritual life and spiritual death and we need to go to some of the many any lengths that show up in this work.

And it isn't only spiritual life for me. It could be spiritual life for many, for countless others. Because that awakened spirit, God will put people, me as a recovered alcohol people in my path to go work with, to go help. I'll be able to take because of God, these principles into all my affairs. And that awakened spirit will touch the lives of others in a positive way. Spiritual life, not only for me, but for others. It's also spiritual death when I don't, and not only for me,

but spiritual death for others, because it is very possible that God had a few people lined up for me to work with and they won't get to work with me. And maybe beyond that. This,

if you will, sick spirit, the person who's blocked my spirit, don't get sick. But if you could imagine me being blocked, taking that into all my affairs and you know what that's about. Before we got in here,

how we harmed others just by walking in A room.

Its spiritual life or spiritual death for many,

and God says enough of that. Enough for spiritual dying. Spiritual. We're going to wake you up. It's going to be drastic and revolutionary, but here's the work and I'm going to give it all to you in order for you to experience all of me.

So I write out this resentment inventory and I was told to write out a fear inventory and I got to see how I set the ball rolling.

We back up for a second.

It talks about a book asked us to disregard the other person involved entirely even though they may have been at fault.

And I always share this because

eventually people come to me and share the same thing, that they had this and they were stuck.

What do you do when you have something happen to you as a little boy or a young person, young girl, that was clearly inappropriate

by an older member of your family or an extended relative or should be locked up for what they do?

And you're the victim of that?

And you walk around for years feeling dirty

and pain and don't want to live it. And God forbid if anyone ever found out my manhood has threatened almighty for a woman. Maybe you feel your womanhood is threatened. It's a threat to who we be. Incredibly painful stuff.

Show up to the 4th step and my book tells me disregard what they did entirely. Where was I at fault? Are you kidding me?

And I called up my sponsor and I gave him a few choice words. I says my book's asking me to do this. And here's the resentment about this person.

I didn't do anything wrong, he says. No, you didn't. You're a young boy, totally a victim.

So what do I put in my 4th column? And he asked me, well, how long have you been hating this man

ISIS? Forever. And I'm bigger and strong and a lot more mature. And I would like to be alone with him this time

and do things to John Wayne Way.

See, it works once in a while

and my sponsor said that's where you're at fault. This is one of your any lens right now. This is it. This is it for you.

Stop hating him. Don't have to like him, don't have to have a relationship with this person. Stop the hating because it's killing you.

Regardless of what happens to this person. Rubber hit the road. Trust me, there was a lot of prayer involved in here and even some outside help. You know what? I got past it where I'm able to talk to you guys about it and I don't hate the person. Don't like them, don't hate them. OK,

Sex, sex inventory. It was interesting when I was reading my fifth step, most of this work was, you know, very clear letters. You could read it from a block away. Resentment Joe, he did this and you know, I stole money. And then inventory was little on sex inventories, little squiggly writing that no one could make out

because my sponsor asked me how much shame and guilt is attached to this stuff. And it was a ton of it my first time going through to work,

but I wrote out a sex inventory. I listed principles and institutions, which I later found out what my belief systems and things like that. What's interesting about how how this God proved himself to me once again going through the work. I think it was the third time a friend from California called and he says jokingly, he says, with this cynical left, hey, how's that sex inventory going?

And it was interesting at that moment I realized that my sex inventory had and I don't give the slip service, nothing to do with sex,

but all to do with belief systems about men and women. That was my inventory. And I realized my Lord God took me from the way I used to live and the things I was doing and behaving

to now

great stuff. I realized again, it was shown to me, You're free of that.

So we have all this work and what do we do?

Well, it's real easy to tuck it in the drawer, right, and wait for the right person to show up. And suddenly we say, well, sponsor doesn't need to hear this. By the way, when I started to pray before I wrote inventory, I started to write inventory and I didn't care what the place looked like. And I suddenly wasn't hungry. And I would write and I had this little apartment with a bookshelf that I made into my own little desk because I really didn't have much. And I would sit by this window at a night light on with a cup of tea because I don't drink

at night, but I was doing it then and suddenly I got sanity of mine. Coffee is nuts at 11:00 at night. So let's have a cup of tea. And I would look out this window and I would see a little glimpse, I never forget this, a little glimpse of the Verrazano Bridge from Brooklyn where I was living the very first time going through to work. And this apartment when I moved in had a, a sleeping bag, no television, nothing at a few a, a bumper stickers on a door and something that represented my higher power above the door. And this was Gracie Mansion for me, because I was

taken from the scrappy to a level of life better than the best I've ever known. And little by slow I start to fix it up. And I'm remember looking out and seeing a little glimpse of the Verrazano Bridge, and it was very still.

Very still.

And I would write and I would write and I would write and I would write and I would write and I finally get done and I was told to give prayer of thanks, close the book and leave that where it is and go about my day. And I'd go to sleep and wake up the next morning, come home and write some more. And my sponsor told me some great information, 'cause I was making a meeting all the time. He says staying home to write inventory tonight won't get you drunk. You don't need to hit all these meetings. Stay home and write inventories. That's what's going to get you free. The meetings aren't keeping you sober. God's keeping you sober and you need to experience that power which.