Steps 1, 2 & 3 at the Spiritual Awakenings group in Bernardsville, NJ

And tonight we have the awesome Chris. Hi everybody. My name's Chris. I'm an alcoholic. Hi Chris.

A couple of things. This, this group is looking for a couple of volunteers. One of them is, we, we need a secretary. We've been without a secretary for a couple of months now. Our secretary, Gwen Haywall.

It's not a real, serious commitment. I think you have to read some, some of the journal announcements that come in the mail and things like that. Another thing is we could use a coffee maker. If anybody wants to, say, do it for 3 or 4 months, that'd that'd be a great idea. Fran has been kind enough to be be doing it for at least 6 months or more now, and we certainly appreciate it, but it's, it's about time for her to to move on with her clinic.

Yes? Oh excellent, okay. Thank you, Melissa. Okay, thanks. There we go.

Another issue is last week, if you can imagine, we forgot to pass the basket. And, we lost our opportunity for a 100 or so bucks. So, if, if it if it suits your purposes and you were here last week, double basket for us. We do have our expenses and we admit to being boneheads about that. Okay.

Like I said, my name is Chris. I am an alcoholic. Oh, Mary Beth's got a big bucket back there. That's optimistic. Anyway, anyway, for anybody that's new, hasn't been to this meeting before, we're repeating a workshop that Peter M.

And I did last February at the Wilson House up in East Dorset, Vermont. And it was just a simple big book study and each of us talks on 3 steps, alternating weeks. So I believe next week, Peter will be speaking on 4, 5 and 6. And tonight I'm speaking on the first three steps. I believe very strongly that the first step is probably the most misunderstood step in Alcoholics Anonymous or any 12 step fellowship.

Inherent in the illness of alcoholism is an almost utter inability to cognitively understand how much trouble you're really in. Part of the addictive illness is not being able to see clearly the the totality of your problem. There's a lot of information in the book Alcoholics Anonymous and I highly recommend not only reading the big book, but studying it and following its suggestions. Where it says to do something, do it. Where it says to write something, write it.

Where it says to, to go out and handle some relationship issue, go out and do that. Because so much of our politics anonymous is experiential. It's not a theory, it's a way of life. So to truly, to truly get the benefits of the 12 step experience, you need to experience it. Talking about it and going to meetings and listening to it, you know, reading about it, listening to tapes and discussing it is not really the way to get the experience.

Actually doing it is the way to get the experience. But anyway, I'll include myself as one of the people who don't know how much trouble they're in. I'm sure if I could really 100% accurately assess my my problem with with alcoholism, I'd be doing more than I'm doing now. I'd probably be going to more meetings, I'd probably be working with more people, I'd probably be paying more attention. It's, again, inherent in the illness is an inability to truly see, what your problem is.

Another thing that I did for many many years is my ego wanted to take credit for any problems or successes in my life. My ego wanted to take credit for it. When I started coming to meetings I would say well I'm going to all these meetings, you know, and I'm working the steps so, you know, I'm working on my sobriety you see it a for it. You see it a lot with people who, who relapse. They'll come back and they'll say I relapsed because I did so and so or I made the decision to pick up the first drink.

These are all manifestations of, of our ego wanting to take credit for our successes or our failures where where it concerns alcoholism or addictive illness. Everything I've learned from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that I could relate directly to my own personal experience leads me to believe that lack of power is my dilemma. Lack of power, not lack of knowledge, not lack of meetings, not lack of sponsorship, but lack of power is my dilemma. And to admit to powerlessness over alcohol, certain things have to be, have to be operative for for for an accurate admission for powerlessness. To be powerless over something is to have no power over it.

Okay? If you say, well if I go to enough meetings, you know, I'll stay sober. Then you're admitting that you have the power over alcoholism. If you just go to enough meetings, you'll stay sober. I made the I made a mistake of thinking if I went to enough meetings and I worked the steps with a sponsor, I'll be able to stay sober.

And again, my ego wants me to believe that there's something I can do to recover from alcoholism. There's something I can do to prevent my foot prevent the first strand. And I got to a point where, today I believe that consistent meeting attendance, working and reworking the steps with a sponsor or spiritual advisor, going for a deeper experience each time I do so, and working with other alcoholics, what that'll do is that'll place me in the spiritual atmosphere where my higher power can relieve me of my obsession to drink and solve my problems. I have to participate in my recovery, obviously, but I have to let go of the fact that I have to let go of that ego drive that, that wants me to believe I'm the one in charge of this whole process. I don't even have the power to go to meetings consistently.

I don't even have the power to get to the steps. I don't have the power to work with other people without God's help. I just don't. So where, you know, where is where is my power? My power is pretty much non existent.

A true understanding of your own personal truth is very very important in Alcoholics anonymous or any of the other 12 step fellowships. If you don't come to the concession, the innermost concession, the innermost admission of your powerlessness, you will probably burn out in AA. You'll probably not go through the steps, you'll probably not sponsor, you'll probably somewhere along the line stop going to meetings. I have seen in the last couple of weeks, I've seen some amazing things. I've seen some people with real serious time go back out.

Really serious time go back out. There's there's a there's an individual who will go nameless, who's who's from this county, who has well over 20, had well over 20 years, and at least 2 meetings a day. Now if you had 20 years and were going to meetings twice a day, wouldn't you think you could stay sober? I would think so. I mean that's what I was led to believe early on in AA, meeting makers make it, right?

Isn't that what they told you? Well this is a beautiful example of a meter meeting maker not making it. Just not making it. So I have to let go of a lot of conceptions and a lot of the things that I that, I was led to believe early on in AA to get to a true understanding of, of the first step. I like to break the first step down into 3 parts.

The first part is the allergy of the body, that's pretty easy for me. What the allergy of the body basically is, is when alcohol is put into my system, I get a craving. I get a physical craving. It's a phenomenon that I just, I don't even fight. I mean my alcoholism has progressed to the point where I don't even fight it.

I start drinking and I get drunk. I continue to drink as long as there's alcohol there or I have a way to get to the alcohol. The first the first drink always asks for the second drink. The second drink always asks for demands the 3rd drink. The 3rd drink always, completely insists on, the 4th drink, etcetera etcetera, until I'm tongue chewing, knee walking, passing out wherever the hell I am drunk.

You ever been knee walking drunk? I'll tell you, you know, not many people but alcoholics get that bad. I mean, you're still out there, you're you're walking on your knees, and you're you're still going. People don't understand that when they see us do that 3 nights in a row. Anyway, that's what happens to me.

That's my experience. I I can't argue with that. Can't argue with that. Now, is that everybody's experience who can identify as an alcoholic? No.

I don't believe so. I I have heard now I don't know this from personal experience, but I've heard it from other people that every time they drank they didn't get completely drunk. But there were times when they were not planning on getting drunk and they got drunk. Okay. You go out to have 2 at the bar, you end up closing the place, going to the city, not showing up for work for 3 days.

I mean, does that happen every time? Maybe not. But the fact of the matter is is, you have to ask yourself, do you have control over how much you drink? Can you moderate every single time that you pick up alcohol? Most of us have to say no.

And if you can moderate every time you pick up alcohol, you're really not, you're really not what the book Alcoholics Anonymous would, would say is an alcoholic. You know, you were probably a heavy drinker or whatever that they describe in here. If you can control, once you start drinking, you can control how much you drink every single time. But I'm telling you, not many people end up in the rooms of AA or, who can't. Because why don't you if you can?

Again, we, a lot of times, I do a lot of speaking in rehabs, a lot. And a lot of people want to tell me in rehabs that every single time they got drunk, they chose to get get drunk. And you know, all I have to do is decide not to get drunk and I'll be fine. And I think we all know that that's, that's usually erroneous. They're usually back flat on their ass somehow or other in a very short period of time wondering what happened.

So, the allergy of the body, the phenomenon of craving, that needs to be operative for powerless over powerlessness over alcohol, for that admission. The second thing that you need is an obsession in the mind. Now here's where here's where our mind will play a lot of tricks on us. Again, ego wants you to think it's your choice when you pick up a drink. It's your choice.

But I've got to tell you, here's here's the theory that the book Alcoholics anonymous puts forward. If you're alcoholic and you pick up a drink, you're in a strange mental blank spot. You're in a, you have a subtle form of insanity that's the the the manifest itself in your mind because I'm telling you, if you're an alcoholic and you pick up a drink, that is an insane act. Knowing what happens to us, we can come to in Topeka with one shoe with a summons for DWI not knowing what happened. I mean, you know, think about some of the crazy things that that, that's happened, you know.

You can wake up in bed with, with, ET or something, you know that some of the things that happen, that can happen. I mean, just a horrifying thing. I'm never doing that again. I'm never doing that again. You know, 2 weeks later, you're doing it again.

That's the obsession of the mind. Now, again, I wanna say this again because it it's it really is important. Your ego wants you to believe you're the one running the show. Okay. When an alcoholic picks up a drink, it's because they're insane.

I sponsor a guy who's gonna be getting out of prison in the next year. Here's what he here's what he did. He decided that his alcoholism had got his attention and he was going to go into Carrier Clinton. Okay? He's going in.

You know how we do that? We're going in. But he wanted, he wanted a drink for the ride because he lived, he lived way up north, and you know, it was about an hour and a half ride to to Carrier Clinic. So he made a giant vodka, something or other, and put it between his legs, buckled up and took off for Carrier. Now, this is a this is a very tragic thing happened to him.

The great road that goes down to Carrier Clinic, if anybody's familiar with that. It's, you know, it's a long road about 50, 55 miles miles an hour. And he's going down there toward Carrier. A nurse, it's her first day on the job at Carrier, is leaving. Her shift is over.

She's pulling out onto the great road. She's coming this way, he's going that way. He's drunk, he crosses the double yellow, he head ons her and he kills her. Kills the nurse. Okay?

He's he's okay. Now, comes time for for his trial and he got hooked in with, with a lawyer who, you know, was just feeding him a line. He absolutely should have played. Okay? Yeah.

I mean, how how guilty are you? He absolutely should have plead, but he he allowed a lawyer to talk him into going for the insanity plea and spending a $100,000 on going for the insanity plea. Now here's what I learned about the insanity plea from sitting through this trial. If you want to go for the insanity plea, you have to prove that you did not know right from wrong. You didn't know what you were doing was wrong.

There's something that does not allow your mind to understand that what you did was wrong. You were suffering from insanity. That's the insanity defense. Okay? Not knowing right from wrong.

Now, he was found guilty because he buckled up for safety and he was heading for rehab. He knew that his alcoholism was causing him problems. So he was found guilty. They they assumed that he did know, right, from wrong. Here's what I'm saying.

When we pick up a drink, we pick up a drink, they say it's because we fell short on our spiritual life. We failed to, to to broaden and deepen our spiritual life through work and self sacrifice for others. We stopped participating in our spiritual life. That's usually what we've done wrong. But we don't choose to pick up a drink, no matter what our mind tells us.

It's completely if if I pick up a drink, here's what I would have to do. I would have to walk into a bar and sit down and here's what I'd tell the bartender if I was in the same state of mind. Bartender, I'm about to order a drink and I just need to let you know what happened the last time I I started drinking. Last time I started drinking, I went into a 3 day blackout. I threatened my entire family with a 38 caliber handgun.

I came to and I went into the delirium tremens for 3 days where I was hallucinating and seeing demons and there was animals running around. I thought I was going to die. My heart was beating out of my chest. I somehow got got up to fortitude to make it to an AA meeting and and for the next 8 months I struggled just to continue to be able to go to AA meetings so that I could survive. And somehow, somehow I made it and I was able to get sober and alcohol didn't kill me.

Could I have a double? Do you understand what I'm saying? But that's not how we go to the bar. We don't go to the bar in the same state of mind. We go to the bar in an insane state of mind not knowing right from wrong, not fully comprehending the enormity of the mistake it will be to put alcohol back in our body.

That's why 95% of us die. 95% of the you know, statistics are are bogus, erroneous and I'll never ever swear to anything near accuracy with them. But I've heard this, that there are 300,000,000 alcoholics on this planet and they figured that out just by how many, people in a population are alcoholics. So there's 300,000,000 alcoholics on the planet. There's 2,000,000 sober alcoholics in AA at the last, census.

The last census that tries to census anonymous people. But do you understand, even if they're even if they're off by by 30% those figures, that really says something. It says that you have about a 2% chance of survival if you're an alcoholic. You have about a 2% chance of getting and staying sober where anybody can tell you're doing stuff. So that's really not great.

You know what I mean? It's it's really not the best odds. I believe that, I believe that way more than most of us die alcoholic pets. And we go out in some really really ugly ways. How many how many in here have buried people that they know from the fellowship or from your family, from alcoholism?

I mean, yeah, come on. And it's not pretty, is it? It's always a horrific set of circumstances. No, we do not die, heading up up a Red Cross charity drive. You know what I mean?

We, you know, we do not expire from alcoholism, you know, singing in the church choir. I mean, you know, we we are usually at the worst possible place in our life, the most pathetic, you know, we've ruined every single relationship we have. People either resent us or pity us. That's how we usually check out. So why why would an alcoholic pick up the first drink if they were in the same state of mind?

So, the obsession of the mind is alcoholism doesn't care why you drink, why you need to drink. I used to think alcohol, alcoholic consumption was causal. What I mean by that is, I used to believe that because my life sucked so bad is why I drank. Because my my wife left me. Because I've got a terrible job.

Because all my relationships are just, you know, nobody seems to understand me and everybody's judgmental. And I, you know, I'm I just bad breaks and misunderstandings just follow me everywhere. And that's why I thought, let me, let me ask this and you don't have to raise your hand, but just answer to yourself. Did you ever drink when you lost a job? Did you ever drink when you got a good job?

Did you ever drink when the sun was shining? Did you ever drink when it was raining? Did you ever drink when you were when you were sick? When you were feeling really bad? Did you ever drink when you were feeling really good?

You see where I'm going with this? What the hell does alcohol care how you feel? What the hell does alcohol care about exterior circumstances? Alcoholism doesn't care about exterior circumstances. All it'll do is compound, the misery, of those external circumstances.

Or even this, temporarily gives you a little bit of reprieve, you know, between drink 4 and drink 7 before you become a puking pig. You'll start to feel a little bit better. You know what I mean? So you have a brain that's gonna force you back into drinking. There's no defense against the 1st drink.

It says it says right in here in our book, on page 24, the fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. We can't choose to drink or not drink. We can't choose to stop drinking once we start. Our so called willpower becomes practically non existent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.

So much for keeping your memory green, right? Listen, I I, I lecture and I bring meetings into rehabs, all over the place. And and, I'm even asked every once in a while to speak to graduating master's classes, for, for, people that are becoming social workers or alcoholism counselors. And I've got to tell you, a lot of the things that you're told are not true. Keep your memory green.

Now, if they were to say it's always good to keep your memory green so that, you know, you you need always understand that you don't wanna ever drink again. That's fine. But you can't do that, the book is telling us. So it's good to do. Just understand that you can't do it.

You can't keep your memory green. Is it a good thing to keep your memory green? Yes. Can you do it? No.

Alright. It's not a defense against the first string. A lot of things are not a defense against the first string. This book talks about suddenly. It talks about what?

I think the guy's name is Jim. He's selling cars and he stops into this place to have a sandwich and a glass of milk. He's sitting there and he decides he'll have another sandwich and another glass of milk, but this time he'll put whiskey in it. He'd been to the asylum for drinking. We've been to the asylum for drinking.

When you get out of an asylum, you wanna stay the hell out of an asylum. You know what I'm saying? If you have anything up here going on, you wanna you don't wanna go back to the asylum. Well he starts putting whiskey in milk thinking that it won't hurt him. Suddenly, suddenly, the thought crosses his mind that a little whiskey and milk will not hurt him.

Suddenly. Suddenly does not allow you the opportunity to call your sponsor. Suddenly does not allow you the time to pick up a coffee commitment. Suddenly does not allow you time to pick up your meetings. Get to a bunch more meetings.

You know, fill up fill up the well. Suddenly doesn't leave you shit. Suddenly you're done. Suddenly happens, you're drinking. And then you're pounding on the bar, wondering why the what the hell happened?

Anybody here ever pound on the bar? You go back out drinking and you're like, oh my God, I'm drinking again. What the hell am I doing? That's the obsession of the mind. The obsession of the mind does not care that drinking is a bad idea for you.

Alcoholism, that's what it is. Alcoholism wants you drink and wants you, wants you, wants you to die. So if I've got a mind that's going to bring me back to alcohol and I don't have a defense against the first drink, that's a death sentence. That's Custer's last stand and there's more Indians coming over the hill. You know what I mean?

We're you're in trouble. You're in trouble. Now, there's another example in this book that certain people can stay away from alcohol for long periods of time, but the time and the place comes when alcohol goes back in your body. I've heard the story about many people who've backed away from AA and it's taken 2, 4, 6 years for them to start drinking again. But because they fell short on their spiritual life, they started drinking or they started using drugs again.

Something to get away from that that emotional and and psychic pain that alcoholism causes. And that brings me into part 3 of, of step 1. You know, there's a there's a couple of, couple of good examples, but page 52 is a great example of dash that our lives have become unmanageable. We admit that we were powerless over alcohol dash that our lives have become unmanageable. And I've heard that dash in, in literature is the same as an equal sign in math.

There's really not any differentiation. It's part of the same idea. So powerlessness over alcohol, unmanageable life is all part and parcel of my problem, my alcoholism. Here's a here's a way unmanageability can manifest itself in an alcoholic not drinking. I'm talking about not drinking.

We can stay away from alcohol for short periods of time. Ask yourself this, ask yourself if any of these things are current within you right now or they're your experience in between the dreams. We were having trouble with our personal relationships. Guilty. We couldn't control our emotional nature.

If you were depressed, could you become undepressed? If you were resentful, could you just snap your fingers and have that resentment disappear, for good and for all? Did you have guilt and remorse over the things that were go that that happened to you in your past and where you fell short with the people you cared about? Because alcoholism will force you to fall short. You're gonna fall short.

And I'll tell you, we're sensitive people. We don't wanna fall short. I don't know any alcoholic that's that's that's a past pathologically evil. I've never met one. I've met evil people in AA, but usually they're in here for an agenda.

They're not in here because they're alcoholic. They're in here for some creditorial crap that they're that they're involved with or looking for. I've never met an evil alcoholic. We do evil things, but we're not evil people. We do we're usually smart people that do stupid things.

And good people that do bad things. That's usually the way it is. We, you know, we wanna be judged on our intentions, you know. It's inconvenient that we get judged on our actions. That doesn't seem fair to us.

I didn't mean to like, you know, run over your dog and and park in your pool last night. It's not, I didn't mean to do that, it's an accident. But, we were afraid of misery and depression. Do you remember the misery and the depression in between the drinks? Do you have misery and depression today?

Have you gone through the steps? You know, have you gone through the steps? Because the steps, if you look at the 9th step promises, they're the antidote to this. Get through the first 9 steps to the best of your ability, fearlessly and thoroughly. And a lot of this stuff goes away or at least becomes manageable.

We couldn't make a living. I don't believe that means money. I know most alcoholics make more money while they're out there drinking than they do once they get sober. A lot of times they get so spiritual, they don't really feel like putting in those 12 hour days anymore. You know what I mean?

I got I got praying, and I wanna go to the meetings, you know, and watch the sunset. And that's actually a good thing. It really is. It's actually a good thing. I usually, I sponsor a lot of guys that make shitloads of money.

They're like, you know, Wall Street guys and stuff. And I wore I wore them right up front, you know, understand that the spiritual life, you're gonna probably drop some of your intensity on that, you know, you're probably gonna start making less money. So I just kinda warn them. But, you'll be much happier. We had, we had a feeling of uselessness.

We were full of fear. Remember that fear and it it didn't, it doesn't necessarily manifest itself like your, like cowardly fear. It manifests itself like like that anxiety, that just being uncomfortable with yourself and your environment. You just don't want to step out. You don't want to go to a motor vehicle.

You don't want to go shopping. You don't want to do anything anything because it's just more comfortable to stay stay home and watch SlippaVision all night long. You know what I mean? Watch Seinfeld reruns or something. It's just easier.

You don't have to deal. You got like lack of dealing as an untreated alcoholic. You know what I'm saying? You've got to know what I'm talking about. Because it's a disease of isolation.

And the reason you're isolating is because of fear. That self centered fear. You just want a smaller and smaller life. You don't want a deal. You know, you don't want to be out there doing all kinds of stuff.

It's just too uncomfortable. We couldn't seem to be a real help to other people. I always wanted to be helpful to other people, you know. I'd I'd give you great advice sitting at the bar. I knew everything sitting at the bar, you know.

You could be a brain surgeon and I'd give you some pointers, you know, like a brain surgery. It's just unbelievable. I always wanted to be helpful to other people as long as it's an inconvenience me. This is this is the first step, Unmanageable life. Now now this is a this is a there's other forms of unmanageability.

If you wanna go to the first couple of pages of vision for you, it talks about the hideous 4 horsemen, terror, frustration, bewilderment and despair. It talks about real, real acute alcoholism. It talks about the jumping off point. That's the unmanageability at the acute level. That's right before we pull the trigger and blow our brains out.

Here's a nice statistic for you. The alcoholic is 60 times more likely to take their own life than the non alcoholic. Why do you think if you put down alcoholic on page 1 of your life insurance, it's it it bollocks the whole deal up? Because they know. They know you're a bad risk.

I'm not in shitting. The actuators just flip out. You know, their computers start red flashing lights go off. Alcoholic. Alcoholic.

He's probably gonna kill himself. I mean, everybody knows it but us. Okay? So, I'm not telling you to not put alcoholism down on your life insurance policy. God forbid I would, you know, I would tell you to to to do something unethical like not tell the truth.

But either you want life insurance or you don't. You know, I will say that. Somebody told me to be honest. You gotta be honest everywhere. And I was honest in my first couple of months of sobriety, and I had to get myself life insurance because I had to cover my daughter.

I had to get a family plan going. And I put down alcohol, like, just out of a treatment center, blah blah blah. They put me on a 2 year limited benefit plan. And what that was, was I get no benefits no matter what happens to me for 2 years, but I gotta pay anyway. That was my, that was my insurance policy.

That was beautiful. It was like $800 a month for like nothing. You know what I mean? Because they would have said pre existing illness, at least in alcohol. Anything can happen to an alcoholic, pre existing.

So this is the first step. Okay? None of us can fully, fully manifest that by understanding 100%. It says in the step book, in step 1, who among us wishes to admit complete defeat? Nobody wants to admit complete defeat like that.

That's like saying that's like saying, I'm dead. I'm dead. There's nothing I can do. I'm dead. Nobody wants to admit defeat like that.

Good thing there's a second step. The second step moves us toward a solution to the first step. 1st step is a problem step, the second step is a solution step. Solution step. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I remember I remember hearing that sanity in the second step and being highly offended because I don't know anybody else in here but I was burdened with a very, very, strong strong mind when I came in here. It was, it was across the bear being so much smarter than everybody. You know, somewhere acutely aware of, like, injustice and, and hypocrisy, you know. I was like, I just like dark, complicated, artistic perspective on everything. It was, it was just, you know, it was just really difficult to be me, you know.

There was a couple of other people that had existed in the past that had the same problem, and they use their fuse, usually burn out pretty quick too, but, you know. I mean, and this is this is my understanding of myself. I mean, how ridiculous. I was just suffering from delusion and insanity. I I took it to be, I took it to be genius.

You know, what are you going to do? My sponsor corrected me pretty quickly on that. Some of those early sponsor lessons were, were tough, tough cross to bear. Anyway, what kind of sanity they're talking about in the second step? We're not, you know, some of us are crazy, some of us are, but most of us aren't.

We're strangely insane when it comes to alcohol or drugs. That's where we're strangely insane. We're usually okay in other areas. Now, you know, many of us have problems other than alcohol. That's really the only thing this book says about it is go to some serious professionals.

You know, if you've got problems other than alcohol, seek out some professionals. And what I would say is seek out professionals that understand addictive illness because they're they're few and far between the ones that aren't gonna misdiagnose you with some crap, you know. A good for instance is if you just come off the firing line, you're an alcoholic, you just come off the firing line, you've lost your family, your job, you got a DWI, you know, you're heading for the court system, you're you're physically really sick, you come into AA, you're spinning dry, and you know, what symptoms aren't you gonna have for psychological problems? Okay? You know, you're gonna be, across the board, they're gonna have, they're gonna be able to label you as.

So, so go to somebody who understands addictive illnesses, please. Anyway, the second step. The insanity where it concerns why do we pick back up when it's the stupidest thing in the world for us to do? Why do we do that? Why do we have a mind that convinces us it's okay to pick it back up?

Or, you know, to hell with those AA people. This isn't working for me. You know, I'll be able to, you know, I'm just gonna buy half pints from now on. Or, you know, I'm gonna just do I did I did schnapps one time. I said, I'm off of the vodka.

I'm just drinking schnapps. How much schnapps can you drink? Let me tell you. It gets messy, Drinking schnapps the way I drank it. That's all I'm gonna say.

I mean, it it got to the point in my drinking, I didn't have the energy to get up from my desk and walk 30 feet to the bathroom anymore. I'd just throw open the window and I'd bomb it out the window. And there were sidewalks with right next to a retirement community, and people would be, you know, walking by, YEAH! And, it was so bad. In the wintertime, the gutter would fill up with frozen bombs.

I mean, I'm telling you. It was it was a mess. And yeah, and I was wondering where all the babes were. You know what I mean? You know, what a happening guy like me, why aren't I being discovered?

You know, by by but this is all, you know, I don't mean to gross anybody out. I'm just I'm just saying that this just seems like a normal way to live to me. I mean, you know, where it concerns alcoholism, we're strangely insane. Now, a power greater than ourselves restoring us to sanity. That brings us to the concept of God.

Okay? Is anybody in here when they came into AA had a little bit of problem with organized religion or religious concepts? No. I got sober during the Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker era when they were selling more, heaven, condos than, there actually were. And Jimmy Swaggart was, telling everybody they're a sinner and getting caught in the motels with the hookers and stuff.

Okay? These were God's front end men. These were the, these were part of the front four of God's team and they were falling short in a big way. They were falling short more than I was falling short, at least I wasn't ripping off, you know, the elderly or or, you know, engaging in, in in, solicitation of prostitution for God's sake. I'm better than them.

And, so so I had a lot of problems with organized religions and God concept. This was my concept with God. Up there on top of the clouds, sitting on a desk with Saint Peter with a big legend, you know, that Schroeder kid just did this, that Schroeder kid just did that. You know, listen it all down because when Judgement Day comes, I'm gonna be standing in front of him like like like the local judge who took my license away 3 times. You know what I mean?

Well, you know, it wasn't really my fault. Like like some like like, you know, divine being who's gonna well, you I'm gonna give you 40 1000 years in purgatory and then make, you know, one of these type of deities. Okay? A judgmental Old Testament, poke your eye out with a stick, turn your wife into salt, locust salt over your ass, you know, and flood your lands, you know, have bears eat your children type of Old Testament. Gun.

It didn't work real well for turning my will and my life over to. I gotta tell you. And, he was like a like a another another aspect, I believe he was like like a cosmic Alan Funt. Because I believe, if this if this god was omnipotent, then he's he's moving me around like a pawn. Oh, let's make Chris get really high on Quaaludes and drive to the police station and ask for directions, you know?

This will be great. And I I mean, because I was doing these insane stupid things, and and, oh my God. Some of the things that I that I did, I I, you know, I'm not even gonna get into them, but listen, I'll tell you this one story. I'm getting my driver's license back from a third DWI. Okay?

When I lost my license, I figured I'd be walking until there were Jetsonmobiles flying around, you know. And this really put a crimp in my dating life too because, you know, you have to tell them that the Mercedes is in the shop, you know, and you gotta come get me. It was just humiliating. Anyway, anyway, so I'm getting it back, and I'm down in Wayne Motor Vehicle. And I tried to get it back by by every means.

I didn't want to do what they they want you to do, all this stuff. And it's like, inconvenient. A lot of paperwork, and you're going to AA meetings, and, you know, all this outpatient. They wanted all this crap. And so I cheated my way.

I cheated it. They caught me every single time. Finally, I had to do everything they asked me to do. And I go back to Wayne Motor Vehicles as indignant as you can be. But I don't do well with crowds and bright fluorescent lights and authority.

You know what I mean? So I couple of drinks really loosens me up for stuff like that. I used to get have to get drunk to go to the traffic court, you know. So that's just, that was me. So I start drinking vodka at 9 in the morning, get to get to the motor vehicle and finally I sit down in front of this woman at this desk, and I'm indignant, but I got this, and I got this signed, and this is notarized, and here's my cards.

Now, give me my piece of paper so I can get my license back. And she looks at me, and she leans forward, and she starts sniffing me. She goes, you smell like vodka. You're getting your license back from the 3rd DWI, and you're drinking? Did you drive here?

I mean, she's horrified. She's horrified. But she has to give me the piece of paper. Right? I mean, it's legal.

She has so she hands me this slip that I go downstairs and I get my license back, and she won't let go. It's like a tug of war. She's like, she's trying to protect humanity from this. Is it Now listen, I'm a smart guy. Okay?

Why would I get drunk to go to go to motor vehicle to get my license back for a 3rd DWI? That's about the stupidest thing you could possibly do. I didn't have any where alcohol was concerned, I was strangely insane. So what is it? What is going to relieve me of this obsession to drink?

The book Alcoholics Anonymous promises in the 10th step that the problem will be removed. You will be safe and protected from alcohol. Alcohol. You won't be fighting it. You'll be placed in a position of neutrality.

Concerns alcoholism, and I'll throw drugs in there, same same thing. If you if you back away from the alcohol as if it's a hot flame, you have a defense against the first string. Wouldn't that wouldn't that be reasonable to say? What gets you there? What gets you to that place where you have that defense?

Or I won't say you have that defense, the defense is operative in you. The defense is acting through you. Obviously, if it's at the 10th step, then it's a promise. Do everything from step 2 through step 9 and you're going to be placed in that position of neutrality. This is what the book is stating.

Did anybody ever tell you when you came into AA, if you go to enough meetings you won't drink? Okay. I'm not saying that going to a lot meetings is not a good thing. Bill Wilson used to say it like this, the good is sometimes the enemy of the best. If somebody tells you, look, just keep coming back.

Just go to meetings. Tell you what, do a 90 to 90. That's good. Okay? The good can sometimes be the enemy of the best.

Because what I'd rather hear is get consistent with meetings, start working with the sponsor through the steps and then get to a point where you're helping other alcoholics through the steps. Carrying the message to other alcoholics. That's the best. So sometimes the good is the enemy of the best. Just don't take the first drink no matter what, even if your ass falls off.

Have you heard that? I don't know about anybody in here, but 2 weeks prior to my ass falling off, I'm drinking. Okay? I am not going through the falling off off ass thing without a little bit of load on. It's just me.

It's just the way I am. You know what I mean? So that's good. You know, don't drink no matter what. If you have the power, at certain times, you're gonna be able to say no to the first drink.

But the book says at certain times you're not. So the good can sometimes be the enemy of the best. There's been some, some controversy in some of the local meetings around here. A couple people, not about 3 weeks ago shared some of their experience on the steps and some of their recovery experience and they were slammed. They were slammed pretty hard by an elder in the group who had had a lot of time.