The Aberdeen Wednesday Night Group's Quarterly Meeting in Aberdeen, SD
All
right.
Tonight
we're
fortunate
have
a
speaker
from
the
states
of
California.
Would
I
let
you
please
give
an
enthusiastic
welcome
to
Charlie?
Hi,
my
name
is
Charlie.
I'm
an
alcoholic.
I
want
to
thank
John
for
inviting
me
to
participate
here
and
John
and
Matt
for
picking
me
up
at
the
airport
and
Matt
for
picking
me
up
this
evening.
Everybody
was
on
time
except
the
luggage
people
at
the
airport.
And
of
course,
I'm
sure,
you
know,
they
were
overloaded
last
night.
The
plane
was
eight
feet
away
from
the
luggage
place
and
there
were
only
12
people
on
the
plane,
so
they
were
preoccupied.
But
I
don't
complain.
I
soldier
on
and
and
today
I
walked
up
6th
Ave.
and
and
I
walked
the
other
direction
on
6th
Ave.,
came
back
and
did
some
work
and
here
we
are.
I
am
probably
not
the
best
example
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
that
you
could
have
had
to
speak
here,
but
I
am
the
one
with
the
microphone,
so
my
apologies
in
advance.
I
am
always
touched
when
I
see
things
that
go
on
like
this,
where
people
get
together
and
and
have
food
and
share
meal
and
put
something
together
like
this,
that
if
it
were
left
up
to
most
of
us
in
our
natural
state,
we'd
all
be
home
on
the
floor.
Probably.
The
fact
that
people
came
here
early
in
the
afternoon
and
put
food
together,
that
they
all
pitched
in
and
put
together
a
meal
and
baked
and
made
coffee
and
brought
beverages
and
set
this
whole
thing
up
is
a
pretty
remarkable
thing
for
Alcoholics.
Because
nobody
who
did
that
is
looking
for
a
pat
on
the
head.
You
know,
you
don't
get
bonus
points,
they
don't
give
you
extra
cookies
at
the
end.
It's
just,
it
just
is
done
because
people
like
doing
it.
They
just
do
it
and
they
throw
it
out
there
and
they
don't
know
where
it's
going
to
go.
I
found
that
out
for
my
first
a
a
meeting.
I've
been
sober
since
the
11th
of
June
of
1981
and
I,
I
have
clap
for
the
people
who
had
to
put
up
with
me
for
those
first
five
years,
but
I
got
that's
my
sobriety
date.
I
have
a
sponsor.
I
think
it's
important
to
have
a
sponsor
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I
would
not
have
anything
in
my
life
that
I
have.
We're
not
for
the
guidance
of
someone
who
had
more
time
than
I
did
and
knew
the
way
down
the
path.
And
but
when
I
first
came
to
my
first
AAA
meeting,
it
was
probably
a
little
bigger
than
this
one.
It
was
in
Tustin,
CA.
It
was
a
Sunday
night.
There
was
coffee
made,
there
were
cookies
out.
There
was
a
literature
table
with
literature
on
it.
There
were,
there
was
a
secretary,
a
woman
who
dressed
up
to
stand
at
the
podium.
There
was
a
speaker
who
showed
up
with
a
coat
and
tie
on
to
try
to
look
like
an
example
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
it
was
all
there.
And
I
walked
into
that.
It
was
all
in
place.
And
I
got
the
benefit
of
all
of
that
from
people
who
didn't
even
know
I
was
going
to
be
there
and
didn't
even
ask
me
to
thank
them.
They
just
did
it
because
they
knew
there
was
somebody
there
who
might
do
it,
might,
might
benefit
from
it.
And
I've
been
the
beneficiary
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
as,
as
Larry
T,
my
friend
says,
divine
inconvenience
ever
since,
because
it
everybody
who
put
that
meaning
together.
It
was
on
a
June
day
and
on
a
nice
June
Sunday.
And
I'm
sure
everyone
has
something
better
to
do
that
day.
I'm
sure
they
did.
Everybody
has
something
better
to
do
tonight.
Everybody
always
has
something
better
to
do.
And
then
they
come
to
a
A
anyway,
and
they
find
something
that
they
can
do
that
makes
them
feel
better
than
what
they
originally
thought
they
could
do
that
night.
And
it
seems
to
work
out
that
way.
And
those
are
the
people
who
are
the
winners
and
the
ones
who
surrender
to
it.
I
woke
up
the
other
morning,
I've
got
2
little
kids,
I
started
late.
I've
got
an
8
year
old
and
a
six
year
old.
Both
of
them
were
asleep
in
my
bed
because
they
come
in
there,
that's
where
they
want
to
sleep.
They
won't
sleep
on
their
own
bed.
So
I
tried
that.
I
tried
putting
them
in
their
own
beds.
And
sometime
during
the
night
I
wake
up
and
they're
both
in
my
bed.
I
have
a
girlfriend
who's
just
a
wonderful
human
being
and
I
have
income.
I
have
a
home.
I
go
to
a
A
and
I'm
active
here.
I
have
guys
I
sponsor,
I
have
good
health
and
I
have
a
decent
life.
And
it
took
me
about
30
seconds
to
come
to
the
conclusion
as
I
lay
there,
Dad,
what
the
hell
is
the
use?
Have
you
ever
had
those
moments
where
everything
is
just
fine
and
you
just
think,
why
bother?
You
know?
And
that's
the
kind
of
mentality
I
have.
And
that's
the
reason
I
keep
coming
back
to
meetings
because
I
have
that's
been
the
basis
of
my
life
ever
since
I
can
remember.
I'm,
I'm
Pete
and
Katie's
son.
I
grew
up
in,
in,
I
was
born
in
the
San
Fernando
Valley
in
California
and
grew
up
in
Encino,
CA
for
a
while.
Then
we
fled
political
persecution
and
moved
to
Orange
County.
And
I
spent
my
formative
years
in
Anaheim,
CA,
which
is
a
little
bit
Aberdeen,
except
we
have
an
amusement
park
there
and
just
wanted
to
get
away.
I
don't
know
where
I
wanted
to
go,
but
I
wanted
to
get
out
of
Anaheim
and
I
wanted
to
get
away
from
everything.
Ever
since
I
can
remember,
wherever
I
was
was
not
the
place
I
was
supposed
to
be.
I
should
be
over
there.
I
should
be
with
those
people.
And
I
never
felt
comfortable
with
people
and
I
never
liked
people.
I
I
still
have
my
days,
not
not
now,
of
course,
but
I
actually,
I
just
it's
not
people
individually,
but
it's
just
a
human
race
that
is
just
this
loathsome
mass
of
procreating
waste
of
carbon
as
far
as
I
can
see.
I
don't
understand
what
the
way
people
are,
how
we
ever
even
got
into
a
second
generation
of
human
beings
really.
They're
just
as
my
sponsor
used
to
say,
just
a
bunch
of
miserable
little
rat
faced
bastards.
All
the
problem
I
have
with
hating
the
human
races.
And
on
the
other
hand,
I
demand
its
approval
all
the
time
and
it's
adoration
if
possible.
And
it
really
gives
your
life
a
sense
of
torque
to
have
that
kind
of
conflict
going
on.
But
I
think
every
alcoholic
understands
that
completely.
When
I
am
completely
lonely,
I
mean
despairing
of
loneliness
and
and
futility,
the
last
thing
I
want
to
do
is
be
around
people.
You
know
that
doesn't
say
Alcoholics
go
OK,
and
you
know,
you
say
that
to
the
PTA
and
they
look
at
you
like
you
landed
from
another
Galaxy.
We,
you
can
say
things
in
a,
a
meetings
to
people
that
they
understand
that
when
you
say
it
in
regular
company,
it
stops
the
conversation
right
near
the
end
of
my
drinking,
I
was,
I,
I
went
to
college
when
I
was
17.
I
started
college
at
17
and
graduated
at
30,
which
showed
you
that
I
was
certainly
not
certainly
fulfilled
my
potential.
And,
and
I,
I
got
an
intern.
I
was
a
journalism
major
and
I
got
an
internship
at
the
Los
Angeles
Times,
which
is
a
big
deal
down
in
the
Orange
County
edition.
And
so
I
was
working
at
the
LA
Times
a
couple
of
days
a
week
writing
stories
and
I
worked
in
a
bookstore
as
a
receiving
clerk.
I,
I
was
going
to
be
a
writer.
So
I
thought
if
I
got
a
job
in
a
bookstore
that
way,
whoops.
So
here,
let
me
open.
Yeah.
So
speak
for
yourself.
So
I
now
I
lost
my
track
and
I'm
have
to
start
all
over
again
because
I,
the
LA
Times
and
that
we
were
on
my
last
day
as
an
intern
there.
They've
been
there
for
a
few
months
and
they
took
me
out
to
lunch
because
they
like
me.
And
that
was
important.
Even
though
I
couldn't
stand
to
go
there
because
I,
the
pressure
was
so
intense
that
when
I
left
there,
the
first
thing
I
did
was
go
to
a
bar
and
get
drunk
and
get
sick
and
then
come
in
hungover
the
next
day
and
have
to
do
it
over
again.
So
we're
in
the
car
and
they're
taking
me
out
to
lunch
and
I
was
driving.
We're
driving
by
a
big
agricultural
field
in
Orange
County
where
they
were
picking
strawberries.
There
were
a
lot
of
people
in
this
field.
Now
have
the
big
hats
on.
We're
picking
strawberries,
Adam.
And
I
said
out
loud,
do
you
ever
wish
you
could
just
have
a
job
like
that
where
you
could
just
be
in
a
field
picking
strawberries
all
day
and
everybody
in
the
car,
like
one
human
said
no,
now
what?
Are
you
crazy?
And
it
just
looks
so
idyllic
to
me
to
just
go
out
and
sit
in
the
middle
of
a
field
with
nobody
around
me
and
just
pick
strawberries.
That
would
just
be
so
perfect.
And
they
didn't
understand
clearly.
And
then
after
that,
I
couldn't
be
happier
to
be
rid
of
them,
to
tell
you
the
truth,
because
they
were
real
drag.
But
people
don't
think
that
way.
We
do
everything
looks
good
to
us
when
it's
not
where
we
are
right
now.
And
I
love
people
say
Alcoholics
can't
handle
change.
I
love
change
as
long
as
it's
my
idea.
It's
it's
other
people's
change
imposed
on
me
that
I
don't
like.
I
love
change.
I
change
every
day.
I
live
in
a
different
house,
I
have
a
different
girlfriend,
go
to
drive
a
different
car
every
day.
If
I
could,
what
a
life
that'd
be.
Unfortunately,
people
impose
things
on
me
and
I
don't
like
that.
So
I
grew
up,
you
know,
pretty
uneventfully.
I
had
a
lot
of
potential,
which
I
still
own
about
90%
percent
of
it
tonight,
but
I
I
was
always
being
brought
into,
I
was
an
only
child.
So
I
had
really
I
enjoyed
being
alone.
I
enjoy
spending
time
by
myself.
It
doesn't
bother
me,
doesn't
freak
me
out.
And
I
was
always
being
drawn
into
teachers
offices
and
priests
offices
and
counselors
offices
and
have
my
parents
in
tow
and
have
them
told,
you
know,
Charles
has
a
lot
of
potential.
We
just
don't
understand
why
he
doesn't
do
anything
with
it.
And
my
dad
had
about
a
fifth
grade
education.
I
think
my
mom
had
about
a
7th
grade
education.
They
really
wanted
me
to
have
an
education
and
I
my
reaction
to
that
statement
was
always
the
same.
I
just
was
seething
as
a
teenager
and
I
said
great,
I
know
I've
got
potential.
I
know
that
and
you
know
it
and
now
my
parents
know
it.
Thanks.
A
bundle
and
I
will
use
my
potential
when
I'm
God
damn
good
and
ready
to,
but
not
a
moment
before
then.
And
when
I
use
my
potential,
I
hope
you've
got
sunglasses
on
Skipper
'cause
I'm
going
to
light
you
up.
But
until
I
decide
to
use
my
potential,
why
don't
you
go
take
your
concern
for
it
and
go
wipe
it
on
some
other
SAP?
Because
if
you
were
such
hot
stuff
anyway,
you
wouldn't
be
high
school
counselor.
And
how
would
you?
It
never
came
out
in
exactly
those
words.
I
usually
said
something
like
I'll
try
harder,
but
it
was,
I
always
reacted
that
way
to
every
time
somebody
tried
to
suggest
something
or
imply
something
that
made
me
feel
like
I
was
less
than,
that
I
was
not
important,
that
I
was
not
doing
what
I
was
supposed
to
be
doing.
All
of
my
anger
and
it
just
became
rage.
It
wasn't
like
I
was
ready
to
take
constructive
criticism.
It
was
just
rage.
And
it
just
added
one
more
thing
to
my
one
more
pin
on
my
map
of
why
the
human
race
is
miserable
because
I
can.
I'll
do
it
as
soon
as
I
figure
it
out.
I'm
just
into
figuring
out.
It
seems
like
everybody
else
here
understood
how
to
figure
it
out.
I
didn't
get
it,
you
know,
and
I
didn't
understand
why
it
was,
I
probably
wasn't
even
looking.
I
was
immature.
I
didn't
know
how
to
deal
with
women,
with
girls.
I
mean,
they
were,
they
were
like
a
mystery
to
me.
And
I'm,
I'm
57
years
old
and
they're
still
no
more.
I'm
no
more
aware
of
how
to
deal
with
them
now
than
I
ever
have
been.
But
but
I'm
racking
up
the
numbers
anyway.
Just
as
long
as
the
Child
Support
comes
in
fine,
it's
all
right.
But
I
and
I
got,
like
I
said,
I
got
out
of
high
school
with
no
notoriety.
I
was
just
sort
of
the
the
high
school
dork
and
6
foot
two
and
at
the
time
127
lbs
of
just
percolating
testosterone.
I
want.
I
wound
up
getting
a
job
in
the
music
industry
as
a
I
was
a
a
clerk
in
a
record
store
and
I
was
working
there
and
some
guys
came
in
from
my
high
school
who
were
sort
of
the
tough
guys
and
they
asked
me
if
I
wanted
to
go
to
a
party.
And
now
I'd
never
been
at
at
this
is
when
I
was
18.
It
was
1968.
I
was
about
18
years
old.
I
just
turned
18
and
I've
never
been
to
a
party
before.
I
didn't
go
to
a
party
in
high
school.
I
didn't
party.
I
don't
use
party
as
a
verb,
party
as
a
noun.
And
I
never
went
to
a
party
and
I
didn't
like
people
who
went
to
parties
because
people
who
go
to
parties
are
real
sociable
and
really
fun.
And
I
hate
sociable,
fun
people.
I
hate
people
who
really
enjoy
small
talk
because
it's
just
a,
it's
just
a
reflection
of
the
size
of
their
thoughts.
And
and
I,
I
had
big
ideas
and
I
don't
need
your
petty
little.
I
want
you
to
go
to
my
cousin's
house.
My
dad
had
fifteen
brothers
and
sisters
and
I
had
like
a
trillion
cousins.
And
we
go
there
for
holidays.
I
didn't
know
what
to
say
once
it
got
past,
you
know,
how's
it
going,
big
guy?
They
all
like
sports.
They
all
like,
you
know,
I,
they,
I
didn't
fit.
I
just
did
not
fit
with
them.
I
didn't
fit
in
my
school.
I
didn't
fit
in
my
family
because
they
didn't
understand
me
And,
and
I
was
just
trying
to
find
where
I
fit.
And
so
they
said,
come,
why
don't
you
come
to
this
party?
We're
having
a
party
on
Saturday
night
and
it's
in
Santa
Ana.
Show
up.
So
I've
got
my
buddy
John,
who
was
my
pal
from
junior
high
school
and
on.
And
so
John
and
I
went
to
this
party
and
it
was
at
a,
at
a
big
Victorian
house.
There
are
probably
200
kids
there
and
and
half
the
room
was
drunk
and
the
other
half
was
on
acid
and
they
were
all
acting
as
if
they
were
having
a
conversation
and
I'm
standing
off
in
the
corner.
I
had
been
there
for
5
minutes.
I
knew
I
had
made
a
major
miscalculation
in
ever
coming
to
a
party
because
I
hadn't
really
thought
about
it.
But
if
I
had
there
actually
people
go
to
parties.
That's
why
I
didn't
go
to
parties
because
there
would
be
others
there
and
I
was
standing
off
to
the
side
and
just
see
thing
about
being
there.
These
people
are
a
bunch
of
miserable,
phony,
pretentious
fake
hippie
types.
It's
all
peace
loved
of
all
the
the
silly
hippie
patois
of
the
1960s
going
on
in
there.
And
I
loathed
it.
I
just
could
not
wait
to
get
out
of
there.
I
was
grinding
on
this
and
some
guy
walked
by
and
handed
me
a
can
of
malt
liquor
that's
distributing,
I
guess.
And
he
went
around
handing
me
this
can
of
malt
liquor.
And
I
thought
my
first
reaction
was,
oh
wonderful,
now
I
get
to
be
just
like
the
rest
of
you,
a
bunch
of
idiots,
you
know,
I
can
just
join
the
idiot
race,
you
know.
But
it
didn't
seem
like
I
was
going
to
get
anything
else
to
drink
at
that
party.
So
I
popped
this
can
of
malt
liquor
open
and,
and
started
drinking.
And
it
occurred
to
me
about
halfway
through
that
can
that
I've
been
way
too
hard
on
you
people.
I
got
through
that
halfway
through
that
can
of
malt
liquor
and
I
started
to
feel
sort
of
fond
of
you,
started
what
kind
of
liking
you,
as
a
matter
of
fact.
And
I
felt
like
maybe
we
had
something
to
talk
about.
And
I
got
all
the
way
through
that
can
of
malt
liquor
and
I,
for
the
first
time
in
my
life,
I
wasn't
worried
about
yesterday.
I
wasn't
afraid
of
what's
going
to
happen
tomorrow.
I
was
there,
man.
I
was
just
there
all
that.
I
always
felt
like
I
was
separated
from
people,
not
by
a
wall
necessarily,
because
if
it
was
a
wall
I
wouldn't
try
to
get,
but
by
some
kind
of
film
like
like
like
the
albumin
kind
of
stuff
that
you
push
on
it
and
it
moves
with
you
and
I
can't
breakthrough
it.
And
when
I
drank
that
can
of
malt
liquor,
it
seemed
like
everything
just
dropped
away
and
I
was
there
right
in
the
moment
and
I
liked
it.
I
liked
you.
I
liked
the
way
I
felt.
I
like
the
clarity
I
was
getting.
I
like
the
sense
of
well-being
that
it
brought
me.
And
now
trust
me,
if
you're
new,
I
didn't
have
these
thoughts
in
real
time.
Nobody,
whoever
speaks
from
an,
A,
a
podium
experience
this
kind
of
awareness
in
real
time.
All
I
knew
was,
whoa,
this
is
great.
I
didn't
realize
that
only
about
maybe
5%
of
the
human
race
experiences
that
kind
of
feeling
when
they
drink
alcohol.
And
that's
a
symptom
of
alcoholism.
Most
people
I
know
drink,
have
a
few
drinks,
they
start
to
get
a
little
dizzy
and
they
go,
I
got
to
stop.
I
was
married
to
one
of
those
people
for
a
while.
She
would
try
to
drink
with
me
and
she
would
start
drinking
and
she'd
have
about
3
glasses
of
wine
and
she'd
go.
I
got
to
stop.
I'm
starting
to
lose
control.
And
I
thought,
well,
the
problem
is
you're
a
quitter.
You
gotta
stick
with
it.
You
can't
just
have
three
good
dizzy
and,
and
feel
like
you're
losing
control.
What
I
didn't
understand
was
that
when
I
drank,
I
just
start
getting
some
control.
You
know,
when
I'm
drinking,
I'm
I'm
out
of
control
sober.
When
I'm
drinking,
I
feel
like
I
got
it
going,
think
better.
I
drive
better,
I
move
better,
I
speak
better,
I'm
smooth,
I'm
good
with
the
women.
Well,
sort
of.
But
I,
I
was,
I
hadn't
put
that
into
effect
yet,
but
I,
I
just
knew
that
I
was
better
drinking.
I
just
felt
better
and
I
could
stay
sober
for
a
period
of
time
if
I
knew
there
was
drinking
coming
up
on
the
end
of
it.
It's
fine.
It
was
great.
I'm
going
to
go
out
and
have
a
little
party
next
week
or
I'm
going
to
drink
with
my
buddies
this
weekend.
And
and
I
just
started,
I
became
a
I
became
an
alcoholic
drinker
at
that
point.
I
don't,
I
don't
have
a
very
exciting
drunk.
A
log
of
I'm
sure
most
of
you
have
much
more.
I
mean,
you
all
I
used
to
come
to
a
a
meetings
when
I
was
new
and
just
listen
to
the
stories
because
I
hear
stuff,
you
know,
wild
stuff.
I
heard
this
guy
named
Father
Larry
one
time
who
said
he
woke
up
with
a
couple
of
hookers
while
he's
a
priest.
And
I
thought,
whoa,
whoa,
Father,
you
know,
go
Padre
and
but
I
didn't
have
those.
I've
never
come
out
of
a
blackout
saying
cover
me,
I'm
going
in
or,
or
come
out
of
a
blackout
saying,
OK,
cut
the
red
wire.
Nothing
like
that
happened
to
me.
I
I've
never
come
out
of
a
blackout
saying
much
of
anything.
I
have
come
out
of
a
blackout
with
people
saying
things
to
me
like,
boy,
I
bet
that
hurt.
But
I
I
personally,
if
you
know,
I
don't
say
a
lot
when
I
come
out.
I
liked
blackouts
at
first.
I
thought
blackouts
were
amazing.
I
can
be
in
a,
I
could
be
at
a
get
together.
We
like
to
call
them
in
Long
Beach
drinking
and
saying,
oh,
I
should
be
getting
home.
And
then
Santa
Monica,
you
know,
standing
in
the
middle
of
my
living
room
2
seconds
later
going,
wow,
this
is
great.
I'm
going
to
shave
hours
off
my
travel
time.
It
was
like
being
molecular,
having
molecular
transport,
you
know,
all
of
a
sudden
you're
over
here
and
you
appear
over
here.
I
thought
blackouts
were
just
what
that
was
for.
You
know,
it
just
eliminated
all
the
unnecessary
interaction
so
I
can
get
to
the
good
stuff.
And
I,
I
blacked
out
a
lot.
I
blacked
out
for
about
12
years
and
I
drank
through
the
1970s
pretty
much.
I
got
married
in
the
mid,
in
the
middle
1970s
and
197076
and
I
love
this
woman.
I
thought
that
she,
I
thought
that
by
marrying
someone
I
have,
I
have
a
track
record
as
most
males
do
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Men
in
AAI
don't
know
about
women
'cause
they
all,
they
all
talk
amongst
each
other
and
giggle
and
then
and
then
hate
each
other.
But
men,
men
never
get
that
way.
Men
talk
amongst
each
other
and,
and
it's
like
it's
a
real,
it's
serious
stuff
that
men
are
talking
about.
It's
like,
how
do
we
get
out
of
this
And
we
after
it's
over,
resent
each
other.
Either
we're
really
like
you're
my
pal
now
I
need
to
talk
to
you.
But
I've
always
had
this
sense
that
I
was,
I
didn't
know
what
I
felt
like
I
was
being
LED
into
a
trap,
usually
with
women
that
I
couldn't
resist
because
I
am,
since
I
was
nine
years
old,
I've
been
on
hormone
alert.
You
know,
I
can
spot
a
troubled
female
from
60
feet
away
and
I
could
walk
into
the
Coliseum
and
pick
one
out
of
a
crowd
at
350,000
people
and
grab
her.
But
man,
I
just,
I'm
going
to
clean
this
up
a
little
bit.
But
I
had
there's
AI
used
to
go
out
with
this
woman
and
she
was
a
friend
and
I
asked
her
one
time,
what
do
women
think
makes
a
great
relationship?
I'm
just
curious,
what
is
it
that
you
think
makes
a
great
relationship?
And
she
said
dead
serious.
It's
one
where
you
laugh
and
screw
and
laugh
and
screw
and
laugh
and
screw.
And
we
laughed
and
laughed
and
laughed
and
laughed
and
and
then
it
was
time
to
to
leave,
I
think
because
screw
was
apparently
coming
over.
And
but
that
was
what
she
said.
And
I,
that's
sort
of
the
nature
of
my
relationships.
My
first
big
crush
was
sister
Irene.
And
I
sort
of
colored
the
nature
of
my
relationship
with
women
ever
since
I
but
I
just,
but
I
haven't
stopped.
It's
almost
like
alcoholism.
I
know
it's
bad,
but
next
time
it'll
be
OK.
I,
I
have
this.
I
got
to
tell
this
story
too,
because
it
it,
it
sort
of
exemplifies
everything.
I'll
tell
you
a
couple
of
stories
that
exemplify
everything
about
me
and
then
you'll
get
it
when
I've
sponsored
this
guy
named
Tom
and
he
was
getting
married
a
couple
years
ago
and
he
he
needed,
he
said
he
wanted
to
do
a
sexual
inventory,
just
a
straight
sexual
inventory
to
kind
of
clean
up
any
loose
areas
before
he
got
married.
I
mean,
just
kind
of
get
things
done
and
put
away.
OK.
So
he
came
over
to
my
house.
Now
my
kids,
we
have
this
rabbit
named
Domino.
He's
since
gone
into
the
big
war
in
the
sky.
But
he
Domino
had
a
fondness
for
my
this
little
pink
plastic
ball
that
my
daughter
had.
It
was,
it
was
bigger
than
he
was,
but
he
he
really
liked
this
ball.
I
mean,
really
like
this
ball,
OK.
And
Domino
would
get
up
on
that
ball
and
hold
it
still
and
he
would
move
his
hip
so
fast
that
if
I
could
do
it,
I
have
a
22
inch
waist.
I'll
tell
you.
He
was
just,
he
just
loved
the
spawn.
He
would.
He
was
relentless.
He
was
always
on
the
spa
and
sit
there
drinking
coffee
in
the
morning,
reading
the
paper
and
look
up
in
the
ball
and
go
by.
And
there
would
be
Domino
right
behind
him.
And
then
it
would
roll
over
and
he'd
fall
off.
And
then
he'd
run
away.
And
then
not,
not
an
hour
later,
I'd
look
and
there
he
is
again
doing
it.
And
he'd
roll
over
and
fall
off
and
run
away.
And
so.
Tom's
reading
a
sexual
inventory
in
the
backyard
and
all
of
a
sudden
the
pink
ball
rolls
out
in
the
peripheral
vision
and
Domino
jumps
on
it.
And
he
starts
doing,
you
know,
expressing
his
fondness
for
the
ball.
And,
and
Tom
looked
up
from
his
inventory.
He'd
never
seen
it.
He
just
looked
over
and,
and
he
goes
back
and
Domino
falls
off
the
ball
and
runs
away.
And
so
Tom
continues
reading.
A
few
minutes
later,
here
comes
Domino
pushing
the
ball
again,
going
at
it.
And,
and
then
he
rolls
over
and
falls
off
and
runs
away.
And
Tom's
looking
over
there.
He
stops
reading.
I
said,
just
come
on,
keep,
keep
reading,
keep
reading.
And
he's
looking
and
he
keeps
reading.
And
not,
not
5
minutes
later,
here
comes
the
ball
again
and
Domino,
right
on
top
of
it
rolls
over.
He's
pushing
on
the
ball,
he's
getting
a
little
further
than
he
had
before.
And
Tom
looks
at
me
and
says,
this
time
it's
going
to
be
different.
And
I
thought
that's
the
story
of
my
life
right
there.
Just
when
I
think
I've
got
it
going
on,
I
roll
off
the
ball,
if
you
know
what
I
mean.
And
I
think
every
man
in
this
room
understands
exactly
what
I'm
talking
about
in
a
metaphorical
sense.
And
but
my
life,
I've
been
right.
I'm
a
writer
by
I
that's
my
job.
And
I
didn't
start
writing
until
after
I
got
sober.
I
wanted
to
be
a
writer
up
until
I
got
sober.
And
then
I
talked
with
this
writer
who
was
in
my
group
and
said,
you
know,
I've
always
wanted
to
be
a
writer.
And
his
name
was
Maurice
Zolitau.
He's
long
gone
now,
but
he
was
just
a
sweet
guy
and
he
was
a
pretty
well
known
professional
writer.
He
turned
to
Ryan,
looked
at
me
and
he
goes
then
write
something
and
walked
away.
And
I
thought,
well,
easy
for
you
to
say.
I
got
big
plans.
And
so
I've
been
writing
this
story
for
a
long
time.
I
keep
writing
and
putting
it
away
and
writing
and
putting
away
because
I'm,
I'm
not
really
into
it
because
somebody
wanted
it.
And
I'm
not
really,
I
don't
really
genre,
but
I
don't
know
much
about
weapons.
I'm
getting
an
education
at
the
motel
I'm
at,
I'll
tell
you
that.
But
getting
out
of
their
cars
with
heavy
arms
and
it's
pretty
exciting,
actually.
I
just
run
into
my
room
and
hide.
But
I
was
doing
some
research
on
handguns
in
the
1930s,
and
they
said
that
in
the
1930s,
the
average
military
handgun,
when
you
squeeze
the
trigger,
and
I
know
someone's
going
to
correct
me,
keep
it
to
yourself.
Try
really
hard.
When
you
pull
the
trigger
on
a
handgun,
the
bullet
comes
out
of
the
chamber
at
450
feet
per
second.
And
one
of
those
guys,
I'm
sure
it's
much
more
now,
but
that's
a
hot
floor,
that's
a
flying
hot
piece
of
metal
at
450
feet
per
second,
boom,
it's
450
feet
away.
And
if
you
take
a
handgun
and
you
shoot
it
into
a
swimming
pool
or
a
body
of
water,
boom,
comes
out
of
the
barrel,
still
450
feet
per
second,
hits
the
surface
of
the
water,
continues
on
that
for
another
couple
of
feet,
and
then
it
just
stops.
And
it
just
drifts
harmlessly
to
the
bottom
of
the
pool.
Such
is
the
trajectory
of
my
life.
I
come
out
of
the
barrel
at
450
feet
per
second,
red
hot
and
ready
to
go.
And
then
I
hit
water
and
I
continue
to
go
into
it.
And
then
eventually
in
just
a
few
seconds,
I
just
drift
harmlessly
to
the
bottom
of
the
pool.
And
the
water
is
fear.
And
you
can
I
come
out
blazing
with
ideas
and
thoughts
and
and
intentions
that
are
all
decent.
I
don't.
I
was,
I
had
good
parents.
I
had
a
good
school
that
I
went
to.
I
had
good
neighbors.
And
people
taught
me
how
to
the
difference
between
right
and
wrong.
And
I
knew
what
was
right
and
I
knew
what
was
wrong.
And
I
always
came
out
with
the
express
idea
of
doing
the
right
thing.
And
then
I
hit
the
wall
of
fear.
And
it
manifests
itself,
as
it
says
in
our
book,
in
a
lot
of
different
ways.
And
I
would
just
eventually
just
give
everything
up
and
go
right
to
the
bottom
of
the
pool
and
just
stop.
And
when
I
drank,
I
got
the
satisfaction
of
450
feet
per
second
without
even
having
to
pull
the
trigger.
I
just
felt
so
good
when
I
drank.
Why
screw
up
my
buzz
by
actually
doing
something?
You
know?
I
got
the
satisfaction
of
a
job
well
done
without
doing
a
damn
thing
when
I
drag.
And
I
loved
it.
Unfortunately,
when
you're
someone
like
me
and
you
base
your
entire
life
on
that,
everything
is
put
off.
Everything
is
put
off
and
there's
no
growth
whatsoever.
Because
I
will
drink
before
I'll
do
anything
else.
I'll
drink
before
I
face
fear.
I'll
drink
before
I
even
face
discomfort.
I
prefer
to
have
a
few
drinks
because
it
takes
that
away.
And
I
can't
have
a
few
drinks,
as
anybody
in
here
knows,
or
I
wouldn't
be
here
tonight.
If
I
could
just
have
a
few
drinks,
I'd
be
fine.
But
I
can
only
when
I
start
drinking
with
the
intention
of
having
a
few
drinks,
my
intentions
go
right
out
the
window
and
I
wind
up
drinking
alcoholically.
And
you
know,
I
wish
it
were
otherwise,
really,
actually
not
because
I
wouldn't
have
anything
in
my
life
that
I
have
today
if
it
were
not
for
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
But
that's
how
I
live
my
life.
And
and
so
on
the
11th
of
June
of
1981,
I
had
been
through
therapy
for
two
years
that
wasn't
going
well.
I
was
still
peeing
blood
and
had
wobbly
teeth.
And
I'd
gotten
that
job
at
the
bookstore
as
a
stepping
stone
to
being
a
writer.
And
I've
been
there
for
eight
years.
At
that
point.
It
would
be
12
before
I
would
leave.
And
I
was
sick.
One
time
I
came
back
from
lunch
and
I
had
I
was
still
on
a
buzz
from
drinking
at
lunch
and
I
fell
off
a
loading
dock
and
broke
my
wrist
and,
and
had
all
these
little,
you
know,
I
pulled
over
by
the
cops
quite
often.
And
in
those
days,
you
could
pretty
much
get
away
from
with
murder
in
LA
with
being
pulled
over
by
the
cops
because
if
they
had
something
better
to
do,
they
got
a
call,
they
go
take
care
of
that
and
leave
me
there.
You
know,
I
have
more
times
where
either
the
cops
knew
me
from
being
graduates
of
Santa
Monica
College
or
something.
You
know,
sometimes
they
just
take
your
keys
and
throw
them
in
the
trunk
of
your
car
and
slam
the
lid
and
say
come
back
and
get
them
tomorrow
and
walk
home.
And
but
these
days
it
doesn't
happen
that
way.
But
but
I
had
been
in
trouble
physically,
spiritually,
mentally.
My
wife
was
divorcing
me.
She
wanted
a
husband
in
her
marriage.
I
didn't
know
how
to
be
a
husband.
I
didn't
know
that
it
meant
going
to
different
plateaus
of
communication
with
a
person.
I
didn't
know
anything
about
that.
I
would
just
get
angry
and
feel
rejected
and
then
just
retaliate,
but
not
in
an
obvious
way.
I
were
to
retaliate
in
a
really
passive
way
that
would
drive
her
insane.
You
know,
some
of
us
are
the
other
way.
It's
still
the
same
alcoholism.
It's
just
an
inability
to
form
a
relationship
with
another
human
being
in
the
sense
of
a
real
relationship
where
you're
relating
in
the
relationship,
not
an
A,
a
relationship
where
you
brush
against
something
in
an
elevator
and
all
of
a
sudden
you
got
marriage
plans.
But
I
although
I
looked
out
my
window
at
the
hotel
and
you
don't
have
any
elevators
in
this
town,
do
you?
Everything's
one
story.
I
could
see
the
horizon
from
my
room,
but
it
was
exciting.
But
I,
I
just
was
sick.
I
was
sick
in
every
area
of
my
life
and,
and
despairingly
sick.
And
my
therapist
was
throwing
a
meditation
retreat
and
I
thought,
well,
I
don't
want
to
miss
that.
And
so
I've
been
good
and
drunk
the
night
before
and
went
to
this
meditation
retreat.
Now
I
want
it
was
in
Santa
Barbara
or
Montecito,
California,
which
is
just
north
of
Los
Angeles,
just
before
you
get
to
Santa
Barbara.
And
I
went
there
thinking
that
there
would
be
wine
there
because
it
was
at
a
Catholic
retreat
house
and
Catholics
drank
wine.
It's
pretty
well
known
fact.
I
was
raised
Catholic.
That
was
the
only
thing
I
thought
had
any
hope
in
the
church
was
the
wine.
And
I
got
up
there
and
parked
my
car
and
there
were
about
100
people
there
and
it
was
stacked
parking.
So
I
was
one
of
the
first
people
there
and
I
get
up
there
and
so
she,
the
therapist,
her
name
is
Daisy,
and
she
said,
what
would
you
like
to
drink?
I
said,
well,
let's
have
a
glass
of
red
wine.
And
she
said,
she
laughed.
She
said
we
don't
have
any
wine
here.
How
about
some
herb
tea?
I
thought.
Oh,
you
know
what
I
thought?
Wine
or
herb
tea.
Wine
or
herb,
Not
even
tea,
which
tea
has.
You
know,
you
can
get
some
bite
out
of
some
tea,
you
can
get
a
buzz,
you
can
get
kicking
with
some
tea
if
you
really
use
enough
of
it.
Wine
or
but
chamomile
is
not
going
to
cut
it
a
little.
Hibiscus
and
rose
hips?
No,
I
don't
think
so.
I
need
a
glass
of
wine.
See,
my
skin
is
starting
to
expect
it
at
this
point.
I
haven't
had
a
drink
in
about
15
hours
and
I
could
use
a
glass
of
wine.
And
I
went
to
go
out
to
my
car
and
it
was
blocked
in
now
because
it
was
stack
parking.
And
I
got
stuck
there
for
the
weekend.
And
the
next
day
they
had
a
guided,
a
guided
meditation
in
the
morning,
which
was
I'm
sure
everybody
else
was
having
it.
We're
all
on
the
floor
and
sort
of
like
spokes
on
a
wheel
heads
all
in
the
center
of
the
room.
And
she
played
this
calming
music
on
a
little
tape
recorder
and
walked
us
through
a
field.
You're
now
walking
through
the
grass
and
you
can
feel
it
beneath
your
feet.
And
I
couldn't
feel
that.
All
I
could
feel
was
shag
carpet
skewering
me
in
the
back
while
I
was
laying
there.
And
I
was
starting.
I'd
started
detoxing
the
night
before.
And
she
said,
now
you
get
to
a
waterfall
and
the
waterfall,
you
step
into
the
waterfall
and
you
feel
it's
coolness
and
the
water
changes
color
and
it
turns
blue
and
it
washes
away
all
your
sadness.
And
it
turns
green
and
it
washes
away
all
your
jealousy.
The
water
turns
red
and
it
washes
away
all
your
anchor
and
I'm
laying
there
thinking,
are
we
going
to
go
through
the
entire
Sherwin-Williams
catalog
at
this
thing?
Can
we
just
I
could.
I
was
not.
I
wasn't
feeling
water.
I
wasn't
thinking
anything
except
I
got
to
get
out
of
here.
You
ever
have
those
moments
where,
especially
with
other
people,
you
may
be
having
one
right
now,
but
where
you're
in
a
conversation,
And
I
heard
a
comedian
say
this
years
ago,
He
judged
the
success
of
any
conversation
in
a
date
based
on
how
many
times
he
said
to
himself,
shut
up
to
shut
up,
Shut
up
or
show
God,
make
her
shut
up.
Make
her
shut
up.
That's
how
I
was
feeling
that
time
laying
there
on
the
floor
going,
OK,
all
right,
I'm
ready,
I'll
shut
up.
Stop
it,
stop
it,
stop
it.
I
can't
feel
this
anymore.
I'm
just
laying
there,
everybody
else's,
you
know,
ALM
and
and
then
she
said
something
that
just
riveted
me.
She
said,
now
I
want
you
to
look
through
the
waterfall
and
on
the
other
side
of
the
waterfall,
you
can
see
where
you're
going
to
be
in
five
years
from
today.
And
for
a
moment,
I
was
there.
I
looked
through
the
waterfall
and
I
saw
myself
hanging
from
my
bathroom
door
by
the
rope
of
the
the
waist
thing
on
my
robe
dangling.
That's
funny
for
you.
There
I
was
hanging
from
the
bathroom
door
and
I
thought,
you've
got
to
be
kidding
me,
you
have
got
to
be
kidding.
And
it
was
as
vivid
as
anything
I've
ever
seen
before.
And
then
the
meditation
was
over
and
she
said,
OK,
now
with
what
you've
seen
of
your
life,
I
want
you
to
go
out
onto
the
grounds
for
the
next
5
hours
and
think
about
your
life.
Which
is
great
news
for
an
alcoholic
to
have
five
hours
in
which
you're
directed
to
think
about
your
life.
I
thought
I
got
a
simpler
solution.
Why
don't
I
just
put
my
face
right
down
by
the
bumper
of
your
car
and
you
floor
it?
You
know,
because
I
don't
want
to
think
about
my
life.
And
I
went
out
on
this
grounds
and
I
was
out
there
for
the
full
five
hours.
And
with
maybe
an
hour,
I
was
sitting
as
far
away
from
the
retreat
house
as
I
could
get
and
I
just
sat
there
thinking
I
just
want
to
die.
I
don't
live
like
this
anymore.
I
don't
want
to
pee
blood.
I
don't
want
to
be
sick.
I
don't
want
to
be
angry
anymore.
I
don't
want
to
be
have
the
world
fail
at.
Every
expectation
I've
ever
had
of
the
world
has
been
a
failure
because
people
always
let
me
down.
I'm
not
fit
and
I
do
not
fit
in
this
world.
I
don't
fit
in
here.
There's
just
there's
no
niche
for
me.
I
don't
know
how
to
behave
in
here.
I
try.
I
have
good
intentions.
And
every
time
I
wind
up
angry,
hostile,
and
as
I
found
out
in
our
book,
restless,
irritable
and
discontented.
And
always
at
some
point
face
pitiful
and
incomprehensible
demoralization
when
I
haven't
been
drinking.
Just
that
sense
that
I
am
a
complete
loser
and
I
just
want
to
die.
That's
all
I
want.
I
don't
want
any
drama.
I
don't
want
to
have
a
big
dramatic
fanfare
about
this.
Just
Take
Me
Out
of
this
world,
whatever
you're.
I
wish
I
could
just
be
lifted
up
out
of
this
world
and
just
disappear.
And
at
the
moment
I
felt
that.
I
felt
absolutely
loved
from
that.
From
the
top
of
my
head
to
the
bottom
of
my
feet,
I
felt
filled
with
love
for
about
30
seconds
and
then
it
just
evaporates,
faded
away.
And
I
thought,
now
what?
I'm
going
insane,
you
know,
now
I'm
losing
my
mind.
And
I
walked
away
from
there.
And
I
didn't
realize
at
the
time
I
taught
writing
in
college
sober.
I
got,
I
had
a
lot
of
career
changes
in
my
sobriety.
But
when
I
was
about
four
years
sober,
I
got
hired
as
I've
been
going
to
grad
school
because
my
sponsor
said
I
couldn't
complain
about
the
job
at
the
bookstore
unless
I
did
something
about
it.
And
I
said,
what
do
you
suggest
I
do?
And
he
said,
we'll
go
to
grad
school
and
get
a
degree,
another
degree.
And
so
I
went
to
grad
school
and
I
was
in
there
for
about
a
semester.
And
then
one
of
the
Deans
came
down
and
offered
me
an
opportunity
to
teach
at
the
college
where
I
was
unloading
books
off
trucks
in
the
daytime.
She
said,
we
need
a
teacher.
We
have
one
class
of
30
kids
and
we
don't
have
teacher
for
the
class
and
we
need
somebody
immediately.
Can
you
do
it?
And
I
said,
well,
when
is
this?
I
think
I
can,
let
me
call
somebody
first.
I
had
to
call
Bill
and
Bill,
what
do
I
do?
And
he
said
we'll
take
the
job.
Well,
you
know,
I
kind
of
was
thinking
if
I
stayed
in
grad
school
for
another
year
and
finished
my
grad
school
work
for
the
year
and
really
studied
my
subject
matter,
then
I'd
be
a
much
better.
And
all
I
heard
on
the
other
end
of
the
line
was,
you
know,
dial
tone.
And
I
called
him
back
and
said,
did
we
get
disconnected?
And
he
goes,
no,
I
hung
up
on
you.
Click
again.
And
so
I
went
back
and
said,
OK,
I'll
take
the
job.
And
I
became
a
teacher.
And
while
teaching
writing
is
a
long
way
to
get
to
this.
But
while
teaching
writing,
I
taught.
We
had
to
teach
certain
types
of
writing
like
descriptive
writing
and
narrative
writing
and
how
one
of
them
was
how
to
writing.
So
you
tell
how
to
change
the
oil
in
your
car
or
how
to
tie
a
shoe.
Try
writing
that.
Try
to
try
describing
how
to
tie
your
shoe
without
using
your
hands.
We
used
to
give
them
those
exercises
and
watch
them
squirm
and
get
upset.
But
I,
I
taught
how
to
write,
how
to
do
something
by
using
an
essay
from
a
writer
about
how
to
open
a,
an
oyster
and
experienced
those
oysters,
you
can't
pull
them
apart.
They're
solid
muscle.
They're
sucking
it
in.
You
try
to
open
one
and
they
won't,
they
won't
budget.
You
can't
pull
it
open
with
your
fingers.
But
an
experienced
fisherman
can
take
a
knife,
the
tip
of
the
knife
and
run
it
around
the
outside
of
the
shell
where
the
two
pieces
meet
together
and
they
have
to
breathe,
They
have
to
open
up
a
little
bit
to
let
oxygen
in.
And
that's
called
the
purchase
point.
And
when
the
fisherman
hits
the
purchase
point
with
a
knife
and
slide
the
tip
of
the
knife
in
there,
push
it
in
and
just
pull
that
baby
open
and
open
it
wide
up.
It
doesn't
have
any
power
against
that.
Once
it
finds
the
purchase
point,
it
just
you
can,
you
can
open
oysters
all
day
as
long
as
you
can
run
that
thing
around
and
put
there
it
is
open,
open
them
up
in
the
same
way.
The
purchase
point
inside
of
me
was
that
moment
where
I
just
did
not
know
what
to
do.
I
didn't
ask
God
for
help,
but
I
dropped
all
my
resistance
against
any
kind
of
outside
help.
And
that
was
that
little,
that
little
place
where
he
just
got
his
point
in
me,
split
me
wide
open
for
a
second
and
said,
I'm
here
when
you
want
me,
I'll
be
here
still.
And
then
when
I
finally
got
an
awareness
of
that,
something
happened,
I
shut
the
door
again,
you
know,
and
I've
been
spending
the
last
26
years
trying
to
get
the
door
open
again
a
little
bit
at
a
time
through
help
from
people
and
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I
went
home
from
that
retreat.
I
haven't
had
a
drink
since.
I
haven't
had
taken
a
pill.
I
don't
drink
near
beer
because
I
don't
want
to
be
near
sober.
And
I
think
drinking
near
beer
is
like
a
reformed
junkie
take
an
empty
syringes
and
just
poking
at
his
arm.
I
but
I
went
home
from
there.
Not
I
never
thought
I
was
gonna
that
was
gonna
be
that
drink
that
I'd
had
the
week
before
or
the
day
before
I
went
to
that
retreat
was
gonna
be
the
last
drink
I
had.
But
I
went
home
from
that
retreat
and
I
thought
I'm
not
gonna
drink
today.
And
I
didn't
drink
and
I
white
knuckled
it
for
a
while.
I
went
to
a
wedding
reception
and
didn't
drink
there,
which
was
crazy.
It
was
crazy.
And
then
I
went
to
bless
you.
I
went
to
my
sister-in-law,
my
soon
to
be
ex
wife's
brother
died
of
alcoholism
at
25
and
he
drowned.
He,
I
drank
with
him.
We
drank
alike.
We
knew,
we
knew
exactly
where
we
were
going
and
what
we
were
doing.
And
he
drove
up
to
Lake
Castaic
and,
and
California
and,
and
I
went
in
the
water
one
day
and
never
came
out
and
had
to
drag
the
lake
for
him
and
his
widow.
He
had
a
5
year
old
daughter
that
he
left
behind.
And
his
widow
was
alcoholic
like
I
was
because
I've
been
drunk
with
her
too.
And
I,
I
got
a
phone
call
from
my
mother-in-law
and
she
said
because
I
had
told
her
I'm
gonna
quit
drinking
this
week,
I'm
gonna
stop
drinking
because
she'd
seen
me.
She'd
asked
me
one
time
if
I
had
a
problem
with
alcohol.
And
I
said
maybe,
you
know,
as
I
was
drunk
on
her
couch.
And
I
just
dodged
about
6
lanes
of
traffic
crossing
Pacific
Coast
Highway
in
Newport
Beach
to
try
to
get
to
a
liquor
store
at
11:00
in
the
morning
to
get
3
bottles
of
champagne,
which
sounds
really,
really
classy
drinking,
unless
you
realize
it
was
Andre
champagne.
That's
about
$1.19
a
bottle.
And
I,
I
ran
back
through
the
traffic,
dodging
cars
to
get
back
across
the
street.
And
she
said,
do
you
have
a
drinking
problem?
I
said,
I
don't
know,
do
I
throw
it
back
on
him?
And
so,
and
it
was
her
son
who
died
of
alcoholism.
And
so
I
got
a
call
from
her.
She
said
Debbie's
getting
out
of
the
detox
for
the
care
unit
in,
in
Orange
and
she
needs
a
ride
to
an,
a,
a
meeting.
Since
you
quit
drinking
this
week,
could
you
give
her
a
ride
to
the
meeting?
And
I
said,
yeah,
I
can
do
that.
And,
and
I
was
detoxing
myself.
I
was
going
through,
I'd
forgotten
how
to
walk.
The
second
day
that
I
was,
I
stopped
drinking.
I
went
to
work
and
I
was
supposed
to
go
up
and
get
the
mail
and
I
literally
forgot
how
to
walk.
I
had
to
sit
down
on
a
planter
for
about
1/2
an
hour
and
just
sit
there.
OK,
I'm
gonna
try
it
again
and
then
try
to
get
up
and
go.
No,
no,
that's
not
gonna
work.
I
can't
do
it.
I
just
can't
do
it.
And
I
didn't
know
that
was
a
result
of
quitting
drinking,
that
sometimes
that
happens.
I
was
hearing
people
in
my
car
in
the
back
seat
going
here,
Charlie.
I
I
was
hearing
the
same
Steely
Dan
tape
going
over
and
over
and
over
again
in
my
tape
player.
And
it
hadn't
been
connected
for
four
years.
You
know,
it
just
kept
playing
and,
and
I
was
flipping
away.
I
kept
getting
these
imaginary
gnats,
these
one
things
that
congregate
right
in
your
right
at
the
edge
of
your
vision
until
you
look
at
them
and
then
they
go
away.
And
then
you
go
back
to
talking
to
the
person
you're
talking
to
and
back
they
are
again,
like
this.
And
you
keep
looking.
You
keep.
All
I
could
do
was
brush
them
away,
you
know,
which
is
was
unnerving.
My
boss
at
work,
she'd
be
talking
to
me
and
I'd
be
going,
yeah,
I
can,
I
can
do
that.
And
it
was.
Now
I
do
that
'cause
I'm
mining
hair.
So.
So
I
went
to
get
Debbie
and
picked
her
up
and
we
it
was
about
25
minutes
to
the
meeting,
2025
minute
drive
and
I'm
in
my
beat
up
old
Volkswagen
doesn't
have
a
reverse.
It
hadn't
had
a
reverse
for
years
because
that
would
have
been
way
too
hard
to
get
it
fixed.
It
was
much
more
convenient
to
try
to
find
a
hill
to
park
on
facing
downhill
with
no
one
in
front
of
me.
That
seemed
a
lot
easier
than
trying
to
actually
get
the
transmission
fixed,
but
that's
another
story.
But
if
you're
alcoholic,
you
understand.
And
so
I
parked
and
I
got
her
and
drove
her
up
on
the
on
the
way
to
the
meeting.
In
the
25
minutes
it
took
to
get
to
the
meeting,
this
woman
who
had
22
days
of
sobriety,
12
step
me
and
I
didn't
even
know
I
was
being
12
stepped.
She
looked
good.
She
sounded
good.
She
looked
like
a
different
person
than
I
had
seen
and
then
I
had
seen
a
month
earlier.
And
she
said
she'd
been
going
to
3A
a
meetings
a
day
in
this
care
unit
and
that
she
was
understanding
the
program
and
it
made
her
feel
like
there
was
some
hope
and
that
she
felt
like
a
different
person.
And
she
really
liked
what
she
was
doing
and
really
wanted
to
get
to
this
meeting
to
see
if
she
could
keep
it
going
outside
of
the
care
unit.
And
I
pull
her
up.
I
pull
up
in
front
of
the
care
unit
in
front
of
the
meeting
that
night.
And
I
said,
here
you
go.
When
would
you
like
me
to
come
back
and
get
you?
And
she
said,
why
don't
you
meeting
with
me?
And
I
said
because
I'm
not
an
alcoholic,
really,
Charlie,
don't
even
pay
any
attention
to
him.
They
just
and.
I
said
I'm
not
an
alcoholic
and
I
was
serious.
And
she
said
you
don't
have
to
be
an
alcoholic.
It's
an
open
meeting.
Maybe
since
you
quit
drinking
this
week,
if
you
come
in,
you'll
hear
something
that'll
help
you
is
to
stop
drinking.
And
that
was
all
I
had
to
hear
was
that
maybe
that
somebody
could
help
me.
And
I
didn't
have
to
be
an
alcoholic
to
go
in
there.
I
didn't
have
to
say
I
was
an
alcoholic.
I
wasn't.
But
I
went
in
there
and
I
felt
guilty
anyway
because
I
thought
I
was.
I
was
sort
of
mocking
you
by
being
there
because
I
still
had
the
ember
of
potential
going.
And
once
I
got
that
fanned,
again,
adios,
amigos.
I
really
appreciate
what
you're
doing
here.
But
it
really
is
Loserama.
And
that's
how
I
felt
when
I
came
in
and
people
kept
coming
up
to
me.
I
now
you
got
to
understand,
at
the
time,
I
was
30
years
old.
I
wore
a
Sherlock
Holmes
hat.
I
had
shoulder
lengths,
hair
and
a
big
mustache.
I
had
sunglasses
on
and
was
in
a
wool
jacket
with
a
wool
sweater
vest
and
my
shirt
button
to
the
neck.
And
it
was
about
109
outside
that
day.
And
I'm
standing
in
the
back
of
the
room.
And
I
wore
boots
at
the
time.
And
I'm
rocking
on
my
heels
and
doing
this
and
getting
really
annoyed
when
people
would
come
up
and
say,
are
you
new?
Stop.
No,
I'm
not
new
because
I
thought
new
was
like,
you
were
drunk
when
you
came
across
a
threshold
of
the
meeting.
I
got
four
days.
And
they
would
do
just
that.
They
go
and
I
go.
You
know,
that
was
the
hardest
four
damn
days
of
my
life.
So
I'm
not
new.
I
was
serious
too.
I
mean,
I'm
not
not
new.
It's
just,
you
know,
there's
so
much
going
on.
There's
a
lot
going
on.
I,
I've
got
the
big
picture
of
things.
You
people
are,
you
know,
I
know
you
want
to
keep
it
simple
because
it's
clearly
for
simple
folk.
And
but
I've
got
this.
I've
got
this
big
picture
matrix
of
how
the
world
is
and
ought
to
be.
I
can't
even
express
it
to
you
because
you
just
chuckle,
you
know,
because
out
of
ignorance,
I
guess.
But
boy,
I
wish
you
people
well,
you
know.
But
I
sat
there
at
the
meeting
and
the
speaker
made
me
laugh
and
I
remember
sitting
there
laughing.
I
laugh
for
a
different
reason.
The
rest
of
the
meeting
did
because
I
was
really
thinking
that
what
he
was
talking
about
was
logical.
When
he
talked.
He,
he,
his
name
is
Ron.
I
remember
this
and
he
had
been
a,
he
was
a
lawyer
in
San
Pedro,
CA
and
he
had
been
in
the
army
and
got
drunk
and
crashed
his
Jeep
and
flew
over
the
top
of
the
windshield
and
hit
a
tree
and
broke,
broke
his
jaw.
So
they
wired
his
jaw
shut.
Except
you
have
one
broken
tooth
front.
So
he
would
put
a
straw
through
there
and
drink
his
bourbon
with
it.
And
he
thought
he
was
really
ingenious
'cause
he
stuck
the
bourbon
through
the
straw
until
someone
said,
what
are
you
doing,
man?
If
you
get
sick
and
you
have
to
vomit,
your
jaws
wired
shut,
you're
going
to
suffocate.
And
he
said,
and
it
jolted
himself
that
from
then
on,
he
carried
a
pair
of
wire
cutters
in
his
back
pocket
when
he
drank.
Now
people
laughed
exactly
like
you
did,
but
I
was
laughing,
going,
Yeah,
yeah,
these
people
are
smart
in
here.
That's
what
I
would
do.
You
know,
I
wasn't
getting
it.
That
he
was
telling
a
story
about
recovering
based
on
his
experiences
in
the
past
or
qualifying
as
an
alcoholic.
I
was
still
relating
on
a
pure,
new,
purely
new
ground
where
I
thought
now
somebody
talking
some
sense,
there
was
a
guy.
I
went,
I,
I
kept
coming
back
because
Debbie,
for
the
next
week,
they
first,
they
got
me
a
big
book,
which
was,
you
know,
come
and
get
a
big
book,
Get
a
big
book,
get
a
big
book.
Yeah,
come
on,
get
your
big
book.
I
thought.
Does
this
book
have
a
title?
I
work
in
a
bookstore.
We
got
a
lot
of
big
books
there,
but
if
it's
not
as
big
as
Arneson
Art
Through
the
Ages,
it's
not
a
very
big
book
as
far
as
I'm
concerned.
Well,
yeah,
come
on,
get
your
big
book.
OK.
So
I
humored
him
and
I
went
up
to
get
a
big
book
and
they
gave
me
the
big
book
and
it
was
3
bucks.
I
was
five.
I'm
sorry.
It
was
$5.
I
had
three
bucks
in
my
pocket.
And
and
the
woman
who
was
a
literature
chairperson
said,
I
said,
I've
only
got
3
bucks,
I'll
get
it
next
time
I
come
back
with
with
the
addendum
in
my
head
because
I'm
not
coming
back
and
I'll
get
it
next
time
I
come
back.
That's
fine.
Just
you
know.
And
she
said,
no,
no,
come
here,
come
here,
come
here.
You
got
$3.
I
said,
yeah.
She
goes,
you
give
me
two.
The
book
is
yours.
That
other
dollar
put
it
in
the
basket
when
it
comes
by
because
you
can't
stay
sober
on
somebody
dime.
OK,
so
I
put
the
dollar
in
the
basket
and
I
thought,
what
am
I
going
to
do
for
coffee
after?
Because
they
all
wanted
to
go
for
coffee.
Let's
go
for
coffee.
We'll
go
for
coffee
and
then
we'll
talk.
We'll
talk
a
lot.
We'll
talk
about
numbers
three
and
four
and
78910
and
just
chatter,
chatter,
chatter.
And
I
went
out
for
coffee
with
them.
I
said,
I
don't
have
any
money.
And
they
said
don't
worry
about
it.
It's
all
taken
care
of.
You're
covered
here.
You
want
a
piece
of
pie
or
something?
No,
I
don't
want
to
owe
anybody
anything.
And
I,
and
I
walked
away
from
that
literature
table
and
I,
I
realized
as
I
was
walking
away,
you
know,
I'm
into
the
IRS,
I'm
into
the
every
credit
card
company
in
North
America.
I
owe
my
boss
about
four
hundred
250
to
400
bucks
because
I've
written
bad
checks
at
work.
Not
a
good
idea.
And
'cause
they
can
find
you.
I
found
it.
And
I
owed
everybody
pretty
much.
I
would
Max
wife
because
I
tapped
out
her
credit
card.
I
owed
everybody
on
earth.
And
now,
now
I'm
into
a,
a
for
three
bucks
because
she
said,
oh,
just
come
back
and
pay
it
when
you
can.
And
if
you
don't
have
the
money,
it's
all
right.
You
don't
have
to
pay
it.
I
just
felt
terrible
when
I
left.
I
felt
like
such
a
loser,
such
a
shabby
loser.
And
I
got
their
big
book.
Oh
man.
And
I
came
back
the
next
week
because
Debbie
was
going
to
get
a
30
day
chip,
a
chip.
I
don't
know
if
they
give
chips
out
here.
They
give
little
tokens
for
links
of
sobriety
in,
in
Southern
California.
They
call
them
chips.
And
Debbie
said
we
got
to
come
see
me
get
a
chip.
And
I
thought,
well,
I
couldn't
miss
that
chip.
Really.
And
she
goes
a
chip
on
it.
Yeah,
I
get
a
chip.
If
you
if
you
stay
sober,
Charlie,
for
30
days,
you
get
a
chip
and
a
hug.
I
thought,
watch
chip
and
a
hug.
I
need
a
chip
and
a
hug.
I
don't
want
anybody
to
touch
me.
Don't
just
get,
don't,
don't
touch
me.
And
so
I
went
back
to
next
week
to
see
Debbie
get
her
chip
and
everybody,
all
the
people
from
the
recovery
house.
And
she
was
all
crying
and
applauding.
It
was
like,
you
know,
Academy
Award
night.
She
got
a
30
day
ship.
And
I
think
a
big
deal,
big
deal.
Until
I
realized
the
third
week
how
the
wheels
can
come
off
of
things
so
quickly
sober.
And
the
third
week
I
came
back
to
a
A
'cause
I
was
only
going
to
one
meeting
a
week,
mind
you,
because
as
I
understood
it,
a
A
meets
on
Sunday
just
like
any
church
does.
A
Church
of
a
A
is
on
Sundays.
And
so
I
came
back
to
next
week
because
at
32
days,
Debbie
got
drunk
and
she
didn't
get
back
to
a
A
for
over
probably
about
nine
years,
close
to
nine
years.
And
and
then
I
felt
like
I'd
been
dumped
in
a
A,
like,
Oh
no,
I
don't
have
any
friends
here
now
because
the
only
person
I
knew
was
Debbie
and
she,
she
got
drunk
and
she
gets
to
drink.
That
was
my
first
reaction
is,
oh
man,
she
gets
to
drink.
And
I'm
stuck
here
'cause
I
know
I
can't
drink.
I
just
can't
do
it
anymore.
And
so
I
was
still
detoxing
and,
and
I
went
there
for
the
next
two
weeks.
And
then
finally
somebody
suggested
I
start
going
to
meetings
closer
to
where
I
work
because
I,
a
guy
named
Keith
Carpenter
spoke
at,
at
the
meeting
And
he,
he
asked
me
how
many
meetings
I
was
going
to.
And
I
told
him,
you
know,
one
a
week.
And
he
said
that's
not
enough.
You
got
to
go
to
more.
And
I
said,
by
the
time
I
leave,
I
work
in
Santa
Monica.
I
live
in
Anaheim.
It's
about
a
40
mile
drive.
By
the
time
I
get
home,
it's
8:30.
I
can't
get
to
a
meeting,
It's
too
late.
He
said,
well,
why
don't
you
go
to
meetings
by
where
you
work?
I
hate
that
kind
of
logic.
That
just
annoys
me
no
end.
And
I,
I
thought,
OK,
well,
OK,
he
said,
here's
where
the
meeting
meeting
I
go
to
meets
on
Wednesday
nights.
I'll
look
for
you
there.
You
gave
me
the
address
of
the
synagogue
for
the
Pacific
group
and
I
went
there.
At
the
time,
the
Pacific
was
about
300
people,
all
happy,
full
of
hope.
Just
irritated
me
no
end.
And
I
didn't
get
it.
I
just,
I
went
in
there
and,
and
I
didn't
understand
how
people
could
be
so
happy
sober
that
there
must
be
some
kind
of
joke,
some
there's
something
here
that's
that
I
don't
get
yet.
And
I
think
I'm
going
to
find
out
and
be
really
disappointed
again
in
who
these
people
are
because
they
all
seem
to
be
sincere.
But
I
know
there's
got
to
be
a
sales
pitch.
There's
going
to
be
a
rub
for
money.
There's
going
to
be
something
that's
going
to
just
I
got
my
guard
up
for
everything
in
a
A
and
I,
I
sat
next
to
this
woman.
I'll
tell
you
this,
this
is
a,
this
is
this.
Turn
my
head
in
a
a
I'll
tell
you.
I
sat
next
to
this
lady
named
Alice.
And
Alice
was
this
little
black
lady
and
she's
in
the
back
of
the
room.
She's
like
a
little
banty
rooster
and
she
was
about
my
age
so
she
would
have
been
about
30
at
the
time.
And
she's
sitting
in
the
back
of
the
room
and
she
I
sat
down
next
to
her
cuz
I
got
it
was
an
8:30
meeting.
I
got
there
early.
I
was
there
at
828
and
sat
down
and
she
says
how
long
you
sober?
I
said
about
30
days
'cause
I
got
my
chip
and
hug
and
actually
I
was
45
days
sober
at
the
time.
And
I
said
how
long
are
you
sober?
And
she
says
35
and
she
didn't
like
that
I
was
sober
more
than
she
was.
And
she
says,
where
do
you
go
to
meetings?
And
I
said,
well,
I
don't.
I
haven't
been
to
going
to
many
meetings.
I'm
just
here
because
someone
gave
me
a
card
to
come
here.
And
she
says,
you
got
a
sponsor
yet?
No,
I
don't
have
a
sponsor.
She
goes,
you
better
get
you
one,
get
me
one.
You
gonna
be
at
the
meeting
tomorrow
night?
I
said,
I
don't,
I
don't
know
where
the
meeting
is
tomorrow
night.
And
she
goes,
you
got
a
piece
of
paper
and
a
pen
or
a
piece
of
paper.
And
I
said,
yeah,
I
take
out
my,
I
gave
her
a
deposit
slip
for
my
checkbook
because
it
wasn't
like
I'd
be
using
that
anytime
soon.
And
I
had
her
that
and,
and
in
this,
she
had
this,
like
this
rapidograph
pen.
And
she
wrote
in
the
tiniest,
finest
handwriting
because
I
told
her
where
I
worked.
She
wrote
me
directions
Monday
through
Sunday
from
the
driveway
of
where
I
worked,
all
in
this
tiny,
perfectly
legible
handwriting.
Monday
through
Sunday.
You
pull
out
the
driveway
on
Monday
night,
you
turn
left,
You
get
to
20th
St.
turn
left
again,
you
drive
down,
you
got.
She
gave
me
all
the
directions
by
all
the
local
stuff
that
I
was
used
to.
And
I
kept
that
thing
in
my
wallet
for
probably
6
months
before
I
just
fell
apart,
you
know,
before
I
memorized
where
I
was
supposed
to
go.
But
I
go
there
the
next
night
because
Alice
gave
me
this.
And
sure
enough,
she
comes
shooting
through
the
crowd.
Here
comes
Alice,
you
know.
Hey,
you
got
a
sponsor
yet?
I
go,
no,
not
yet.
She
goes,
you
better
get
you
one.
He
said,
yeah,
I'll
get
me
one,
Alice,
you
know,
and
I
asked
somebody,
what
do
I
need?
What's
a
sponsor
for?
And
he
said,
well,
they'll
take
you
through
the
big
book.
I
thought,
oh,
oh,
they'll
walk
me
through
that
complex
big
book
that
you
have,
that
deep
metaphysical
text.
They'll
help
me.
I
got
a
degree
in
journalism
and
a
minor
in
English,
but
I
need
someone
to
help
me
unpack
the
jaywalker
analogy.
I
really
need
someone
to
guide
me
through
the
deeper
meaning
of
G
Ma,
ain't
it
grand?
The
wind
stopped
blowing.
Or
give
me
two
reasons
why
I
should
give
a
shit
about
Mr.
Brown,
You
know,
And
if
you
don't
know
who
Mr.
Brown
is,
shame
on
you.
But
so
I
didn't
need
somebody
to
help
walk
me
through
your
big
book.
So
Alice
is
still,
you
know,
you
got
to
sponsor
yet?
Now
I
don't
know.
You
better
get
you
on.
All
right,
Alice,
I'll
see
you.
I'll
see
you
next
meeting.
So
the
next
the
next
meeting
was
a
Friday
night.
And
it
was
the
men's
stag.
So
I
felt
safe
enough
to
go
there
without
worrying
about
Alice's
interrogation.
And
then
Saturday
night
I
went
and
there's
Alice
again,
300
people
at
this
meeting,
Alice.
Just
I
can
see
the
crowd
party.
It
was
like
Moses,
you
know,
Oh,
criminy.
God
Almighty,
if
anybody
want
to
talk
to
me
besides
Alice
and
she'd
get
right
up
to
my
face
and
just
hate.
And
she
was
she
was
mad
all
the
time.
Mad.
Not
happy
to
see
me.
Just
you
get
a
sponsor
yet.
Jeez,
you
know,
give
me
a
break.
Can
I
get
a
cup
of
coffee
1st?
And
or
as
you
might
call
it,
ground
drink
a
big
book.
So
I,
I,
if
I
hadn't
gotten
a
sponsor
and
I
saw
her
Sunday
night,
she
did
the
same
thing.
And
Monday
I'm
driving
to
work
from,
I'm
living
in,
like
I
said,
40
miles
away.
I'm
driving
up
on
a
405
freeway
and
coming
along
a
pretty
good
clip.
And
the
guy
in
front
of
me
stops
abruptly
and
I
slam
my
brakes
on
that
old
VW
and
just
skidded
right
up,
right
up
to
his
bumper
and
stopped.
I
thought
oh
man,
oh
man.
And
look
at
my
rearview
mirror
and
the
guy
behind
me
is
talking
to
the
person
next
to
him
in
the
car
and
he
just
boom
accordion
me
between
the
two
cars.
Nobody's
hurt.
I
get
out
of
the
car.
I'm
out
of
my
mind
Now.
I'm,
I'm
like
50
days
sober
and
have
no
program.
I
got
a
big
book.
What
am
I
going
to
do
with
that?
Hit
myself
in
the
head
with
it
to
wake
up
from
this
nightmare,
you
know,
and
I'm
standing
there
on
the
side
of
the
road
and
neither
of
these
guys
speak
English,
not
neither
of
them
did.
So
they're
talking
to
each
other
and
I'm
out
of
it.
I'm
standing
there.
I'm,
I'm
starting
to
get
really
panicky.
You
know,
those
anxiety
things
you
get
when
you're
newly
sober.
And
I'm
pacing
back
and
forth
and
now
the
traffic
slowed
down
because
they
all
have
to
look
at
who
the
dummies
are.
They
got
in
the
accident
and
the
traffic's
bumper
to
bumper
now.
And
they're
driving
by
and
I
glance
up
and
this
car
is
going
by
and
there's
Alice
in
the
car
waving.
I
thought
I'd
give
up.
I
completely
give
up.
This
is
like
a
a
hell.
So
that
night
I
got
a
sponsor
and
I've
had
him
for
26
years.
And
Bill
has
given
me
some
specific
directions
to
you
Ready.
And
if
any
of
this
is
being
taped,
that
was
a
soda
opening.
OK,
it
wasn't
the
pheasant,
but
I,
I
got
the
sponsor
and
he
sat
me
down
and
he
said,
here's
what
I
want
you
to
do.
I
want
you
to,
I
want
you
to
go
to
seven
meetings
a
week.
I
want
you
to
get
commitments
at
your
meetings.
I
want
you
to
talk
to
people.
I
want
you
to
go
around
the
meeting
and
shake
men's
hands
and
ask
them
their
name
and
get
their
phone
number.
I
thought,
oh,
why
do
I
have
to?
Why
do
I
have
to
ask
guys
for
their
phony?
Come
on
man,
I
don't
like
people.
I
don't
want
to
go
out
and
talk
to
him.
I'll
just
go
to
the
meeting
and
he
goes,
no,
I
do
not
want
to
see
you
in
your
seat
before
the
meeting
starts.
You
are
up
and
you're
walking
around
and
talking
to
people
or
you
got
to
be
kidding
me.
This
is
such
crap.
And
I
want
you
to
call
me
every
day
in
the
morning
and
I
want
you
to
pray
everyday
to
what?
To
what
do
I
pray?
He
said
just
pray
to
God,
however
you
understand
him.
And
I
said,
you
know,
he
said,
I'm
not
negotiating
with
you.
I
just
want
you
to
pray.
All
right?
OK.
And
then
how
much
you
go
out
for
coffee
with
people
after
the
meeting
and
get
to
know
people.
All
right,
I
can
do
that.
So
I
started
doing
that.
I
got
commitments
to
all
my
meetings.
I
got
cleaning,
coffee
pot
commitment,
literature
mule.
Wednesday
night
I
was
good
enough
to
carry
the
box
in
because
the
guy
had
a
bad
back
but
he
sold
it.
I
just
carried
it
in
and
took
it
out
again.
And
I
did
some
mop
ups
on
Saturday
night
and,
and
set
up
on
one
night
and
I
just
did
all,
I
had
all
the
service
work
to
do.
And
I
was
told
in
my
group
we
treat
it
like
a
job.
And
I
thought
I
caught
him
in
a
lie,
said
he
said
a
a
you
need
a,
a
more
than
a,
a
needs
you.
And
I
said,
well,
that's
so
how
come
I
have
to
be
at
my
commitments
every
single
night,
huh?
And
it
got
you
there.
And
he
said,
well,
that's
not
a,
a,
there's
somebody
in
a,
a
who's
counting
on
you
to
be
where
you
say
you're
going
to
be
when
you
say
you're
going
to
be
there.
So
you
might
just
do
it
for
that
person
and
show
up
and
be
on
time,
see
what
happens.
OK,
so
I
went
and
did,
I
did
all
that
stuff
for
weeks
and
months
and
I,
and
I
wound
up
eight
at
8
months
sober
thinking
this
really
doesn't
work
because
I
had
a
spiritual
awakening.
I
kept
hearing
about
spiritual
awakening.
I
hear
all
these
people
get
up
and
talk
about
I
just
had
a
spiritual
awakening
today.
And
I
thought,
oh,
that's
good
for
you.
You
know,
I,
I
need
a
spiritual
awakening.
I'm
not
having
anything.
I'm
not
even
close.
I
pray
to
my
bedspread.
I
talk
to
my
sponsor
every
day.
All
I
do
is
tell
him
that
I'm
going
to
work
and
I'll
see
him
at
the
meeting
that
night
and
I
get
there
and
he'd
be
at
the
meeting.
I
got
something
I'd
never
had
before
in
my
life.
And
that
was
a
date
book
with
with
a
calendar.
And
I
and
the
back
of
that,
there
was
a
place
to
put
phone
numbers
and
I
was
getting
people's
guys
phone
numbers
and
writing
those
in
the
back.
And
I
was
told
like
one
guy
told
me,
here's
my
number,
I
want
you.
It
was
a
Friday
night.
His
name
was
Richard
Barton.
He
said,
I
want
you
to
call
me
tomorrow.
Call
me
tomorrow
at
1:00.
And
I
was
so
scared
that
literally
I
went
home
and
I
sat
by
the
telephone
from
12:00
until
one
just
to
be
sure.
He
said,
I
don't
mean
115,
I
mean
call
me
at
1:00.
And
I
was
dialing
the
number
at
5
seconds,
one,
because
I
knew
it'd
take
time
to
ring
through.
I
got
him
right
at
1:00.
And
I
go,
Richard,
it's
Charlie
calling
you
at
1:00.
And
he
goes,
oh,
hi.
What
are
you
calling
for?
I
thought.
I
thought
I
was
the
most
important
part
of
your
day.
And
all
the
way
it
sounded
last
night,
I
said,
well,
I
was
a
new
guy
you
met
last
night,
and
you
told
me
to
call
you.
Oh,
yeah.
How
you
doing?
OK.
You
going
to
the
meeting
tonight?
Yeah.
Great.
I'll
see
you
there.
Wow.
I
was
kind
of
hoping
for
a
little
more,
you
know,
like
the
secret
to
what's
going
on
around
here.
And
I
started
calling
people
just
to
say
hi.
Sometimes
I
got
their
answering
machines.
There
weren't
many
answering
machines
back
in
those
days,
but
I'd
get
them
and
I'd
I'd
hang
up
and
then
my
sponsor
said,
why
don't
you
just
leave
them
a
message?
I
go,
what
do
I
say?
So
my
pat
answer
was
hi,
this
is
Charlie.
I,
I
am
sorry
I
missed
you
and
I'm
new
and
I
got
your
number
the
other
night.
I'm
just
calling
to
say
hi
and
I'm
doing
OK.
I
hope
I
see
you
at
the
meeting
tonight.
Bye.
Click.
That
was
all
I
said.
That
was
all
I
needed
to
say.
People
come
up
to
me.
I
who
I
was
calling
because
I
didn't
remember
their
face.
I
just
had
their
number
and
the
guy
would
come
up
and
go,
Hi,
I'm
Jim,
you
called
me
today.
Thanks
for
the
phone
call
made
my
day.
I
thought
how
to
make
your
day.
I
didn't
say
anything.
But
you,
if
you're
around
a
while,
you
know
what
a
phone
call
on
your
answering
machine
means
When
someone
just
calls
and
says
I'm
just
thinking
about
you
and
I'm
just
checking
in,
changes
everything,
changes
everything.
And
I
didn't
believe
it.
I'm
still
cynical
and
skeptical
about
everything
around
here
because
it
never
works
out.
I
put
my
hope
into
things
and
it
always
falls
apart.
I
come
out
of
the
barrel
of
the
gun
ready
to
go
and
I
always
hit
the
water.
And
it's
always
something
that
you've
done
that
has
let
me
down,
let
my
guard
down
for
this.
And
so
how
do
you
have
a
spiritual
awakening
when
you've
got
your
guard
up
all
the
time?
And
I
told
Bill,
I
want
to
do
the
steps.
I'm
tired
of
just
going
to
the
meetings
and
doing
the
service
work.
Let's
do
the
steps.
And
he
goes,
what
steps
are
you
talking
about?
And
I
said
the
first
three
steps,
maybe.
And
he
goes,
are
you
calling
me
every
day?
Yeah.
And
you're
going
to
meetings
every
night
because
I
see
you
there.
Yeah.
Do
you
like
going
to
meetings
every
single
night?
I
said
no.
And
he
goes.
But
how
do
you
feel
when
you
leave?
I
said,
good.
You
ever
go?
Just
not
wanting
to
go
at
all.
And
I
said,
yeah.
And
how
do
you
feel
when
you
leave?
I
feel
better.
And
you're
praying
every
morning,
right?
Yeah.
And
you're
going
doing
your
commitments,
you're
going
out
for
coffee
because
I
see
a
coffee.
What
part
of
the
first
three
steps
do
you
think
you're
not
doing?
Because
they're
a
lot
more
than
just
ritual,
pal.
The
steps
are
not
sitting
around
figuring
out
how
to
talk
about
God.
It's
throwing
yourself
down
to
God
like
a
child
would.
And
my
prayers
were
pretty
simple
and
embarrassing
to
me
because
I
would
say,
hi,
God,
I
need
your
help.
I'd
like
to
stay
sober
today.
Please
show
me
what
you
want
me
to
do
and
I'll
try
to
do
it
and
give
me
the
power
to
do
it.
And
thank
you.
And
I
would
pray
for
the
people
that
I
knew
who
needed
help.
And
then
I
would
just
say,
and
please
give
me
a
please
when
you
let
me
know
your
will,
will
you
please
let
me
know
in
a
really
obvious
way,
because
if
you
don't,
I
will
miss
it.
I
will
miss
it.
So
be
really
obvious,
please.
Thank
you.
And
that's
how
I
prayed
and
but
I
wasn't
getting
the
spiritual
awakening
I
wanted.
And
then
Bill
said,
I
said,
when
can
I
expect
a
spiritual
awakening?
Then
he
goes,
you
can't
expect
anything
in
sobriety.
Just
be
ready
to
be
surprised.
Just
relax.
I
don't
know
when
you're
going
to
have
a
spiritual
awakening.
I'm
not
God
and
I
can't
tell
you
when
God's
going
to
make
himself
apparent
to
you.
But
why
don't
you
just
keep
doing
what
you're
doing
and
see
what
happens.
So
not
even
a
week
later,
I'm
mopping
the
floor
that
Sunday
night
at
Ohio
St.
It,
which
is
a
West
LA
clubhouse,
and
I'm
looking
at
the
people
standing
in
line
to
thank
the
speaker.
And
there
were
probably
120
people
in
line.
And
I'm
looking
at
their
faces
and
my
eyes
went
across
their
faces.
And
it
occurred
to
me
in
here
and
not
up
here,
that
I
knew
every
single
one
of
them
by
name.
And
I
like
them.
I
like
them.
It
wasn't
even
a
conscious
thought.
It
was
just
I
really
like
these
people.
And
it
was
one
of
those
kind
of
feelings
where
if
you
could
have
sent
me
any
place
else
in
the
world
right
then,
like
molecular
transport
to,
you
know,
Peru
or
someplace
really
fun,
I
wouldn't
have
gone.
I
just
wanted
to
stand
there
and
feel
the
way
I
felt
like
that
for
as
long
as
I
could
feel
it
'cause
it
was,
it
just
felt
really
great.
And
I
told,
I
called
Bill
at
home
and
I
told
him
what
happened.
And
he
said,
you
just
had
your
spirit.
You
just
had
a
moment
of
grace.
Now
you
know
what
a
moment
of
grace
is.
Why
don't
you
just
keep
doing
what
you're
doing
and
seeing
if
you
can't
get
some
more
of
those,
and
maybe
you'll
learn
how
to
live
your
life
in
a
way
that
brings
God
out
and
lets
him
play
rather
than
keeping
him
locked
up
inside.
And
I've
come
to
believe
over
the
years
that
God
is
not
something
that
I
pray
to
up
there.
He's
not
over
there.
He's
not
hiding
behind
the
piano
or
something.
He's
God
is
inside
of
me
in
the
same
way
that
he's
inside
of
you.
He's
in
this
podium,
he's
in
the
soda,
he's
in
the
lighting,
he's
in
everything.
He's
in
everything.
He
permeates
this
life
and
I
so
that
that
makes
it
incumbent
upon
me
to
treat
everything
in
life
with
respect.
A.
And
B,
it
allows
the
trick
of
this
all
has
been
for
me
that
I
never
get
to
see
God
in
myself
ever.
But
I
get
to
see
him
in
other
people,
you
know,
and
I
get,
and
when
I
look
for
him,
I
especially
get
to
see
him.
And
that's
a
spiritual
awakening.
That's
a
consciousness,
consciousness
that
God
is
in
every
situation.
If
I
can
look
for
him
and
surrender
myself
and
my
expectations
to
Him,
then
he
will
give
me
something
that
he
thinks
I
need.
And
I
don't
have
any
right
to
call
it.
You
know,
I
can't
call
it.
And
so
when
I'm
frustrated
or
angry,
I
try
to
surrender
the
situation
to
God
and
see
what
happens.
And
sometimes
I
don't
even
get
any.
I
don't
even
know
what
happened
and
I
go
away
and
then
six
months
later
it
occurs
to
me
that's
what
happened.
Oh
and
I
didn't
even
know
it
at
the
time.
It
took
me
6
months
to
figure
it
out
so
I
don't
even
know
it
when
it's
happening.
And
they
say
in
a
A
all
the
time,
don't
leave
5
minutes
before
the
miracle
happens.
I
would
suggest
that
you
not
leave
5
minutes
before
you
find
out
that
the
miracles
already
happened
for
you
and
you
just
haven't
gotten
it
yet.
You
know,
wouldn't
that
be
a
shame
if
you
already
got
the
miracle
and
you
pissed
it
away?
Because
I
stay
in
a
A,
because
I
am
sure
that
I
could
never,
ever,
ever
again
figure
out
the
sequence
of
events
that
it
would
take
to
bring
myself
to
desperation
enough
to
stay
sober.
Did
it
get
sober
again?
I'm
not
one
of
those
people
who
believes
that
if
I
drink,
I'll
die.
If
I
thought
I'd
take,
I'd
take
a
few
drinks
and
just
go
toes
up
on
the
floor
like
Dylan
Thomas.
He
died.
His
anniversary
of
his
death
was
yesterday.
He
39
years
old.
He
drank
18
shots
of
whiskey
and
dropped
dead
on
the
floor.
And
I
thought
if,
man,
if
I
could
do
that,
I
might
drink
again.
You
know,
I
get
to
about
six
shots,
though,
and
I
wet
my
pants.
I
throw
up,
you
know,
it's,
it's
really
ugly.
But
my
fear
is,
and
I'll
start
drinking
again
and
I'll
live
another
35
years
and
I'll
just
be
in
the
slow,
almost
imperceptible,
susceptible
degradation
and
terror
all
the
time
until
finally
there's
just
nobody
there.
There's
nothing
left.
You
know,
all
the
lights
are
out
and
everybody's
home
if
you
know
that
feeling.
And
so
I
stay
in
a
A
and
do
the
stuff
that
people
ask
me
to
do.
I
wind
up
getting
it.
Like
I
said,
I
got
that
job
teaching.
And
then
about
seven
years
later,
I
wound
up
getting
an
opportunity
to
write
professionally
through
a
sequence
of
of
what
seemed
like
coincidences,
but
they
weren't.
I
got
asked
one
on
my
teacher
vacation
during
the
summer
or
during
the
during
the
winter.
A
friend
of
mine
was
was
going
to
meet
with
an
animator
and
he
said,
why
don't
you
come
with
me?
I'm
going
to
go
meet
with
this
guy
and
we
get
lunch
later.
OK,
So
I
just
puppy
dog
along
and
met
this
animator
and
sat
down
and
talked
with
him.
And
we
had
a
mutual
like
for
Bugs
Bunny
cartoons
and
Looney
Tunes.
And
we
talked
about
that
for
about
an
hour.
And
so
he
says,
what
do
you
do?
And
I
said,
well,
I'm
a
teacher.
And
the
guy
the
a
a
guy
I
was
with
goes,
Charlie's
a
writer.
And
I
said,
well,
I
write
somebody
goes
really,
could
I
call
you
if
I
need
help
on
something?
And
I
said,
yeah,
OK,
I
gave
my
number,
didn't
think
anything
of
it.
About
four
months
later,
he
calls
me,
I
need
help
with
something.
Can
you
help
me
with
a
story?
Because
he
was
working
on
a
story.
He
couldn't
figure
it
out.
Someone
over
and
worked
with
him
for
three
days.
And
then
about
six
months
later,
he
got
hired
by
a
studio
as
the
head
director
at
their
animation
unit.
And
he
called
me
for
ideas
for
a
cartoon.
And
I
want
to
give
him
to
him.
And
I
wound
up
over
a
series
of
events,
got
hired
there.
That's
not
to
tell
you
that
what
I
do
is
so
great
or
something
great
is
great
about
me.
I'll
tell
you
something.
Everyone
in
this
room
is
imbued
with
something
that
God
has
given
each
of
us
that
we
do
really
well.
And
if
you're
like,
I
am
the
fear,
I'm
all
willing
to
do
it.
But
when
I
hit
that
fear
level,
I
just
stop.
I
suck
it
all
back
and
I
go
into
protective
mode.
And
what
Alcoholics
Anonymous
people
have
taught
me
to
do
is
to
don't
stop,
keep
moving.
Keep
moving
through
the
fear
and
see
what
happens.
Pay
attention,
you
know,
don't
be
a
wise
ass.
Just
do
it.
And
I,
I
wound
up
doing
it,
you
know,
and
I,
I
started
getting
better
and
better
at
it.
I
wound
up
staying
with
this
company
for
16
years.
I
wound
up
I,
it's
attitude.
Also,
I
got
to
tell
you
it,
it
befuddles
me
truly.
I,
I
wound
up
when
I
was
working
in
him,
I
was
writing
animation
and
I
got
sent
to
do
a
presentation
for
the
publishing
department.
They
were
starting
at
the
studio
and
they
said
go
over
there
and
tell
him
everything
you
know
about
Looney
Tunes.
So
I
get
my
books
together.
And
I
thought,
this
is
stupid
because
my
boss
is
too
lazy
to
go
over
and
do
it
herself.
She's
a
producer.
She
can
go
over
and
do
it.
I'm
going
over
there
to
do
it
because
I
haven't
got
anything
to
do
here.
So
she
sends
me
off
to
do
her
dirty
work.
You
know,
that's
what
I'm
thinking.
My
head's
like
this.
I
go
over
there
and
I
started
doing
the
presentation.
It's
probably
20
people
in
the
room
and
from
South
America,
and
most
of
them
don't
speak
English.
There's
a
translator
there,
and
there's
some
other
people
there.
And
the
president
of
the
publishing
division
says
there
was
a
break
in
the
in
the
morning
event.
And
he
said,
why
don't
we
step
outside
and
talk?
So
I
go
outside
and
say,
what's
up?
And
he
goes,
I'd
like
to
offer
you
a
job
as
a
senior
editor
in
publishing.
And
I
said,
I've
never
edited
anything
in
my
life.
I've
never
been.
I'm
not
a
publishing
person.
And
he
goes,
well,
I'll
teach
you
everything
you
need
to
know
about
publishing,
but
you
know
something
that
I
can't
teach
you.
And
I'd
like
to
have
you
come
with
my
team.
And
so
I
wound
up
working
for
this
guy
by
doing
something
that
I
didn't
think
I
wanted
to
do
by
doing
this
presentation,
but
understanding
that
according
to
my
AA
program
and
what
people
have
taught
me,
that
I
throw
myself
into
everything
I
do
with
a
positive
attitude.
And
I
wound
up
doing
that
for
years.
And
then
I
wound
up
being
in
marketing
at
the
same
company.
And,
and
I
got
my
reviews
back
from
people
that
would
say,
my
bosses
would
say
you,
you
have
a
really
positive
attitude
and
people
like
coming
to
see
you
because
they
know
you
don't
gossip
and
they
know
that
you
don't
sit
around
putting
people
down.
I
thought,
you've
got
to
be
kidding.
You
should
have
known
me
15
years
ago,
you
know,
but
I
don't,
I
don't
character
assassinate.
I
don't
get
into
into
those
little,
you
know,
cubicle
arguments
with
people
about
somebody
else.
And
I
found
it
over
a
period
of
time.
Didn't
happen
right
away,
but
I
didn't
have
to
have
an
enemy
at
work.
I
didn't
have
to
have
somebody
that
I
could
train
my
laser
like
contempt
for
so
that
I
would
feel
better
about
myself.
I
just
did
what
I
was
supposed
to
do
and
enjoyed
myself
and
I
was
there
for
16
years
and
got
laid
off
two
years
ago
and
didn't
know
what
I
was
going
to
do.
I
was
55
and
and
had
two
children
by
the
way,
my
children
are
are
the
light
of
my
life,
but
I
had
them.
I
was
in
a
marriage
and
we
got
we
had
these
two
kids
and
without
going
into
a
long
story,
my
wife
told
me
after
three
years
of
marriage
that
she
had
never
been
in
love
with
me
and
that
she
only
wanted
to
have
children,
that
she
didn't
want
to
be
in
the
marriage
anymore.
And
I
was
devastated.
I
mean,
completely
had
the
pins
cut
out
from
under
because
I
was
not
my
parents
never
divorced.
And
and
so
I
I
didn't
know
what
to
do,
you
know,
and
who
comes
out
of
the
woodwork.
But
all
this,
all
the
divorced
dads
in
my
group
sidling
up,
what's
going
on?
You
seen
your
kids
enough,
You
know,
how's
it
working
out?
I
don't
know
what
to
do
when
I'm
with
my
kids.
I'm
55.
I
know
what
to
do
with
these
little
kid.
They're
little.
They
were
tiny
little
kids
when
we
got
divorced.
And
these
guys
taught
me
how
to
how
to
stay
engaged
in
my
children's
lives
and
how
to
be
a
good
father
and
how
to
make
sure
that
my,
you
know,
my
child
support
payments
are
always
on
time.
And
how
I
was
never,
ever
to
talk
negatively
about
their
mother
in
front
of
them
ever.
And
I've
been
able
to
hold
on
to
that
and
stay
and
not
do
that.
And
it's
changed
my
life.
It's
changed
everything.
And
so
when
I
got
laid
off,
I
thought,
oh
man,
I
got
all
this
child
support.
I
have
a
mortgage,
I've
got
all
the
stuff
to
do.
I
have
no
income,
what
am
I
going
to
do?
And
someone
said,
why
don't
you
start
your
own
business?
You
know
how
to
write,
Why
don't
you
start
a
writing
business?
So
I
did,
and
I've
been
doing
that
for
the
last
two
years.
So
I'm
trying
to
keep
that
going,
you
know,
But,
but
you
know
what,
What
is
funny,
this
is
the
point
in
my
life
where
I
would
be
running
for
the
hills,
terrified
and
drinking
because
it's
too
much,
just
too
much
raw
information.
I
can't
process
it.
But
I
realized
in
sobriety,
I
don't
have
to
process
it
alone.
I
have
a
whole
resource,
a
whole
reservoir
of
people
who
have
experience
that
they
can
help
walk
with
me
through
this.
And
in
turn,
I'm
able
to
walk
through
it
with
other
people.
I
was
able
to
make
amends
to
my
mother.
She
died
in
2001.
And
over
a
period
of
a
couple
of
years,
I
copied
what
Sharon
B,
now
Sharon
C
did
with
her
dad
and,
and
started
paying
my
mom
back
the
money
that
I
owed
her.
I
paid
back
my
ex
wife's
credit
card
money.
I
paid
back
the
IRS,
which
is
an
interesting
phone
call.
If
you
haven't
done
that,
I
certainly
certainly
encourage
you
because
I
found
something
out
about
dealing
with
the
IRS
and
that
is
that
they're
actually
people
there
who
will
talk
to
you
who
are
not
crazy
and
are
not
punitive,
but
who
wanted
to
help.
And
they
help
me.
They
help
me
get
out
of
my
IRS
test
so
I
don't
have
to
look
over
my
shoulder.
And
there
was
a
guy
in
a
a
who
sat
down
with
me
for
a
year
and
I
had
all
these
debts
piled
up.
I
had,
I
had
a
box
full
of
bills.
And
he
sat
down
with
me
and
he
said,
here's
the
letter.
Here
are
the
letters
you
have
to
write
to
people,
write
them
by
hand,
26
letters
I
wrote
to
people
about
the
debt
I
had
and
told
them
I
was
going
to
pay
them
back,
but
I
couldn't
pay
them
the
full
amount
today.
And
I
couldn't
pay
them
the
full
payment
amount
today,
not
even
the
minimum.
But
I'll
send
them
$5.
And
if
that's
not
acceptable,
please
call
me
and
let
me
know
and
we'll
make
some
other
arrangements.
No
one
ever
called
me.
I
just
kept
sending
the
money.
And
then
as
I
got
back
on
my
feet,
got
a
little
bit
ahead,
I
started
sending
the
full
payments
in.
And
within
two
or
three
years,
I
had
most
of
that
debt
paid
off.
And
my
mom's
debt
was
something
that
was
nagging
at
me
and
my
And
then
I
have
amends
to
make
to
my
father,
who
had
died
when
I
was
2223.
And
boy,
I
didn't
know
what
to
do
with
that
because
my
dad,
my,
I
thought
my
father
been
so
disappointed
in
me.
He'd
been
a
drill
instructor
in
the
Marine
Corps
for
eight
years.
And
you
can
take
one
look
at
me
and
know
that
my,
my
athletic
days
are
ahead
of
me.
And
I
thought
my
father
must
have
been
so
disappointed.
And
my,
my
mom
had
had,
I've
had
moments
where
I
really
had
trouble
getting
a
connection
with
God
as
a
higher
power.
And
one
of
those
reasons
was,
as
I
found
out
in
an
inventory,
was
that
when
I
was
about
8,
my
mom
had
a
baby
and
my
mom
had
two
babies
before
me
and
they
both
died
at
birth.
And
then
she
had
a
baby
after
me.
And
that
baby
died
at
birth.
And,
and
so
I
had
no
idea
what
kind
of
grief
my
mother
was
in.
All
I
was
thinking
about
was
me,
of
course,
but
I
was
only
8
at
the
time.
And,
and
I
asked
God
to
help
the
baby
be
safe
and
help
my
mom
be
OK.
And
the
baby
died.
And
I
think
something
in
the
back
of
my
mind
just
clicked
off
as
far
as
God,
because
if
he
doesn't
answer
the
prayers
of
an
8
year
old,
then
what
kind
of
a
God
do
I
have?
What
kind
of
a
God
is
he
if
he
can't
even
listen
to
year
old?
Maybe
he
just
listens
to
the
people
he
likes.
And
I
knew
I
wasn't
ever
going
to
be
able
to
do
enough
to
make
him
like
me.
So
just
forget
about
him.
I
just
ignore
him
and
maybe
he'll
ignore
me
and
everything
will
be
OK
at
the
end,
you
know?
And
that
was
my
relationship
with
God.
And
then
I
got
to
the
part
of
my
inventory
where
they
said,
what
was
your
part
in
your
resentments?
I
thought
my
part,
you've
got
to
be
kidding.
What
was
my
part
in
that
resentment?
I
was
eight
years
old
and
I
asked
God
for
a
favor
and
he
didn't
answer
it.
What
was
my
part
in
that?
And
my
sponsor
said,
that's
right.
I
said,
well,
how
could
I
possibly
have
a
part
in
that?
And
he
said,
because
you've
been
carrying
it
around
for
30
years,
it's
time
for
you
to
let
it
go.
It's
time
for
you
to
drop
it
and
start
trying
to
find
out
about
God
in
a
different
way.
And
I
just,
it
stunned
me
that
the
information
that
I
was
getting
from
the
sponsor.
And
so
I
went
back
to
make
amends
to
my
dad
and
my
father.
You
know,
I'll
tell
you
a
story.
He,
I
got
two
stories.
I'm
going
to
sit
down.
My
father
used
to
make
lunch
for
me
every
day
and
I
tell
the
story
all
the
time.
So
if
you've
heard
it,
you
can
go
back
to
napping.
But
he
used
to
make
lunch
for
me
every
day
from
about
the
7th
grade,
about
the
10th
grade.
And
we
didn't
have
any
resources.
He
had
very
little
education.
He
worked
at
McDonnell
Douglas
for
years
and
and
was
just
a
self-taught
man.
And
he
he
was
a
laborer
and
we
didn't
have
a
lot
of
dough.
And
cool
kids
at
school
buy
their
lunch.
Cool
kids
don't
carry
a
brown
bag.
And
my
old
man
would
get
up
in
the
morning
and
he
would
make
me
a
sandwich
and
put
cookies
in
a
bag
and
put
some
chips
in
the
bag
and
piece
of
fruit.
And
he
write
my
name
on
the
bag
and
by
the
front
door.
Sometimes
he
ironed
me
a
shirt
to
wear
that
my
mom
had
just
washed.
And
he
would
leave
that
on
a
hanger
by
the
door.
And
I
put
that
shirt
on
and
I
grabbed
that
lunch
and
I
go
to
school
and
I
crossed
the
borderline
of
the
school
property
and
I
chucked
that
lunch
in
the
first
trash
can
I
could
find
and
just
keep
moving
because.
And
I
would
just
pretend
that
I
had
my
lunch
at
lunchtime
because
I
didn't
want
people
to
know
that
I
had
to
carry
my
lunch
to
school
because
it
pissed
me
off
and
made
me
so
angry
that
how
can
how
can
you
know?
It's
so
embarrassing.
It's
just
embarrassing.
I
don't
need
one
more
piece
of
information
for
people
to
know
that
I'm
a
dork
and
I
don't
need
And
now
I
got
to
carry
this
lunch.
It's
got
my
name
written
on
the
base
in
the
trash
it
went.
But
every
time
I
did
that,
I
felt
A
twist
of
a
little
screw
in
my
gut.
And
every
time
I
did
that,
I
felt
guilty.
And
so
I
made
amends
to
my
father.
I
did
it
just
like
Clint
H
Clint
Hodges
used
to
talk
about
making
amends
to
his
mom.
I
did
the
same
thing
and
made
amends
to
him
at
his
grave.
I
was
10
years
sober
at
the
time.
Was
that
held
off
and
put
it
off
and
put
it
off
and
put
it
off.
And
I
walked
away
from
there
and
nothing,
nothing
big
happened.
I
didn't
have
any
lights
coming
from
the
But
a
few
months
later,
I
was
talking
to
someone
about
my
dad.
I
didn't
feel
guilty
inside.
I
didn't
feel
like
he,
I
felt
like
he
hadn't
been
disappointed
in
me
in
some
way.
And
so
I
didn't
understand
that
feeling.
I
think
how
would
I
know
that?
I
went
to
my
mom
and
I
was
sitting
at
her
kitchen
table
and
I
said,
you
know,
I
have
a
confession
to
make,
if
you
will.
I
used
to
throw
my
lunch
away.
Dad
would
make
my
lunch
every
day
and
I
would
throw
it
in
the
trash
every
day
when
I
got
to
school
and
wouldn't
eat
it.
And
I
just
felt
guilt.
I
feel
bad
about
that,
and
she
said.
I
know,
I
know
you
did.
And
I
said,
how
did,
how
do
you
know?
I
threw
my
lunch
away?
And
she
said,
well,
your
dad
told
me.
I
said,
how
did
he,
how
did
he
know
that
I
was
throwing
my
lunch
away?
And
she
said,
well,
he'd
ask
you
every,
you
know,
every
few
months
he'd
say,
how
was
that?
How's
the
apple
I
put
in
your
lunch?
And
I,
I
said
it
was
great.
And
it
was
an
orange.
How
is
a
baloney
sandwich
I
put
in
your
lunch?
Very
cool.
It's
great.
It
was
peanut
butter.
Never
made
a
big
deal
about
it.
He
just
kept
making
my
lunch
and
putting
out.
And
I
said,
well,
if
he
knew
that
I
was
throwing
my
lunch
away
and
he
continued
to
make
it,
why
did
he
do
that?
And
my
mom
looked
at
me
across
the
kitchen
table
and
just
half
smiled.
And
then
I
got
it.
He
just
did
it
because
it
was
an
act
of
love.
And
I
wouldn't
have
understood
that
unless
I've
been
an
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
witnessed
it
in
action.
And
love
is
not
an
emotion.
It's
not
some
little
tingly
thing
you
feel.
What
love
is,
is
what
you
experience.
Tonight.
People
put
food
out,
they
prepared
food,
they
set
up
this
meeting,
they
made
coffee.
There's
someone
who
picked
me
up
at
the
airport
last
night
at
at
10/30,
11:00
at
night,
which
is
an
inconvenience.
But
it
was
purely
an
act
of
love.
They
didn't
love
me
to
do
it.
They
love
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
that's
one
of
those
actions
that
you
take
when
you
love
something
or
when
you
love
somebody.
You'll
get
out
of
bed
at
3:00
morning
and
go
sit
down
and
talk
to
him
over
a
cup
of
coffee
because
they're
scared
or
because
they're
afraid
they're
going
to
drink
or
because
there's
something
going
on
in
their
life
or
they're
afraid
their
sobriety
is
threatened.
And
you
just
get
up
and
go
do
it.
It's
just
an
act
of
love.
It
has
nothing
to
do
with
emotion
at
all.
Usually
it's
inconvenient
and
usually
you're
cursing
the
whole
time
you're
doing
it.
And
then
once
when
it's
done,
you
go.
I'm
so
glad
I
did
that.
I
feel
so
different
inside
for
having
done
it.
And
my
father
did
that
and
I,
I
never
got
it
when
he
was
doing
it,
you
know,
and
the
food
is
laid
out
here
every
single
night.
The
lunch
is
made
right
here.
And
if
you
don't
want
to
eat
it
and
you
want
to
throw
it
in
the,
that's
your
choice.
But
we're
not
going
to
stop
making
it.
We're
not
going
to
stop
doing
it.
It's
here
for
you
anytime
you
want
it.
Two
years
ago,
one
of
the
great
fears
in
my
life
and
one
of
the
things
I
was
most
ashamed
of
was
I
didn't
know
how
to
swim.
And
in
California,
that's
almost
like
a
mortal
sin.
And
I
wouldn't
go
to
the
beach.
I
lived
at
the
beach
with
my
first
wife
for
five
years
and
went
to
the
beach
twice,
I
think,
and
couldn't
go
in
water.
I
was
terrified
of
putting
my
head
underwater.
And
then
I
had
children
and
my
my
kids
wanted
to
go
to
the
public
pool
and
we
get
in
the
pool.
You
know,
my
son
at
five
could
already
jump
in
the
pool
and
swim.
He's
like
water.
I
thought,
oh
man,
you
know,
and
I'm,
man,
I'm
in
the
water.
I'm
sweating,
you
know.
So
I'm,
I'm
with
my
daughter
in
the
shallow
end,
'cause
she
can't
swim
yet
and
she's
going,
let's
put
our
heads
under
the
water.
Oh,
no,
no,
no,
no,
Daddy
doesn't
do
that.
She
goes,
well,
let's
just
put
our
faces
in
the
water.
I
don't,
I
don't
think
we're
going
to
do
that.
And
she
said,
oh,
come
on,
I'll
hold
your
hands.
This
kid
is
she
was
four
at
the
time.
I'll
hold
your
hands.
She's
a
little
Blondie.
So
I
go,
OK,
So
I
take
her
little
hands
and
she
goes,
OK,
I'll
count
to
three.
One
daddy,
2
Daddy,
3
Daddy.
And
we
both
put
our
faces
in
the
water.
And
I
put
hold
my
head
up
really
fast,
sputtering
and
spitting.
And
she's
beaming.
She's
just
happy
as
could
be.
You
know,
we
both
put
our
faces
in
the
water.
So
Fast
forward
that
summer
and
the
next
summer
and
I'm
at
a
Club
Med
of
AA
people
and
I'm
not
it's,
it's
in
the
Caribbean,
my
setting
exactly.
I
keep
my
clothes
on
just
as
a
public
service.
I'm
not
one
of
those
people
that
gets
out
and
struts
his
stuff.
And
so
I'm,
I
see
a
writer
friend
of
mine,
Annie,
who
says,
how
come
you're
not
going
in
the
pool?
And
I
said,
I'm
just
not
a
pool.
I'm
not
a
pool
guy.
And
she
goes,
can
you
swim?
And
I
go,
I
just
don't,
I'm
not
really
into
going
in
the
water.
She
goes,
you
can't
swim,
can
you?
I
took
lessons
when
I
was
a
kid.
She
goes,
but
you
can't
swim,
can
you?
And
I
said,
no.
And
she
said,
well
to
meet
me
here
at
11:00
and
I'll
give
you
your
first
lesson.
How's
that?
I
said,
oh
God,
Annie,
I
don't
know
if
I
can
do
that.
She
goes,
just
come
on,
go
get
your
swimsuit
on
and
meet
me
here
at
11.
It's
about
9:30
in
the
morning.
So
this
is
the
second
day
of
this
trip.
It
was
a
week
long
trip
in
the
Caribbean.
So
we
go
to
the
we
get
to
the
edge
of
the
pool
and
he's
got
a
hold
of
my
hand.
She
goes,
OK,
let's
say
a
little
prayer.
God,
please
be
with
Charlie
and
me
while
we
learn
how
to
swim.
Thank
you.
And
we,
she
says,
jump
and
we
jump
into
the
pool.
Scare
the
crap
out
of
me.
I
mean,
we
just
jump
right
off
the
edge
of
the
pool
into
the
water.
And
I
was,
my
heart
almost
stopped
beating,
you
know,
And
she
goes,
that's
how
you
get
into
a
pool.
You
jump
in,
you
don't
step
into
the
pool,
you
don't
tiptoe
in.
You
just
jump
in
because
your
kids
are
going
to
want
to
jump
in.
OK,
OK,
OK.
First
thing
you
got
to
learn
this
week
is
how
to
do
tea
party.
You
know,
your
tea
party
or
what
is
that?
She
goes,
you
sit
cross
legged
on
the
bottom
of
the
pool.
And
you
Panama,
I'm
drinking
tea
with
your
daughter.
She's
going
to
want
to
do
that.
You
have
to
know
how
to
do
that.
Second
thing
is
Marco
Polo.
You
got
to
learn
Marco
Polo.
They're
going
to
want
to
do
that.
That's
what
we're
going
to
learn
this
week.
I
thought
tea
party,
you
mean
sitting
cross
legged
and
the
bottom
of
the
pool,
like
with
the
water
over
my
head,
I'm
not
going
to
do
that.
And
she
met
with
me
there.
We
did
that
lesson.
And
then
she
she
said,
come
back
at
three
and
we're
going
to
do
it
again.
So
I
came
back
at
3.
Then
the
next
that
night
we're
at
dinner
and,
and,
and
this
communal
dinner
dining
hall
and
she's
talking
to
this
woman.
I
walk
by
and
Annie
goes,
Hey,
Charlie,
11:00
tomorrow
morning,
remember?
And
the
woman
she's
talking
to
says,
what's
going
on
with
you
guys
at
11:00
And
she
and
Annie
goes,
I'm
giving
Charlie
swimming
lessons
this
week.
And
the
woman
whose
name
is
Laura,
she
lives
in
Colorado.
She
said,
isn't
that
funny?
I
teach
how
to
swim
in
Colorado.
That's
my
job.
You
mind
if
I
join
you?
And
Annie
looks
at
me
and
goes,
that's
God
showing
off
right
there.
So,
so
I
had
Laura
and
Annie
giving
me
swimming
lessons
by
the
end
of
the
week.
I
could
swim
the
width
of
the
pool,
breaststroke
with
my
head
underwater.
I
can
do
tea
party
and
I
can
do
Marco
Polo
by
the
end
of
that
week.
They
even
gave
me
a
little
plastic
metal,
you
know,
a
chip
if
you
will,
as
as
a
reward.
And
so
that
about
six
months
later,
I
take
my
kids
to
the
pool,
OK,
And
we
get
in
the
pool.
My
son,
he
doesn't
care
what
I'm
doing.
He's
on
the
other
side
of
the
pool
bobbing
around.
And
my
daughter,
I
got
her
in
the
in
the
shallow
and
she's
just
getting
ready
to
swim
now.
And
she
goes,
she
goes,
are
you
going
to
swim?
And
I
said,
I
said,
watch
this,
Ready.
She
goes,
OK.
So
I
take
a
deep
breath.
I
go
and
sit
down
cross
legged
on
the
bottom
of
the
pool
and
Bob
back
up
again
and
look
at
her
and
said,
guess
what?
She
goes,
what?
And
I
said,
I
learned
how
to
swim
this
year.
And
she
goes,
I
know
I
taught
you.
I
thought
she
really
thought
we
put
our
faces
in
the
water,
that
she
had
taught
me
how
to
swim
and
I
wasn't
going
to
tell
her
any
differently.
I
want
you
to
know
something
tonight.
No
matter
what
your
fear
is
about
sobriety,
no
matter
what
your
fear
is
about
your
life,
no
matter
what
your
fear
is
about
the
things
going
on
around
you,
that
pool
of
water
is
your
fear.
And
you
will
never
have
to
go
into
it
without
having
one
of
us
to
hold
your
hands
when
you
jump
off
the
side.
And
we'll
teach
you
how
to
stay
in
the
water
and
how
to
stay
afloat
in
this
water
and
how
to
enjoy
the
water
and
enjoy
the
company
and
keep
coming
back.
And
all
we
ask
is
that
the
next
time
you
try
to
show
somebody
else
how
to
stay
afloat.
I
want
to
thank
John
again
for
having
me
and
thanks
everybody
for
listening.
Appreciate
it.