The Aberdeen Wednesday Night Group's Quarterly Meeting in Aberdeen, SD

All right. Tonight we're fortunate have a speaker from the states of California. Would I let you please give an enthusiastic welcome to Charlie?
Hi, my name is Charlie. I'm an alcoholic. I want to thank John for inviting me to participate here and John and Matt for picking me up at the airport and Matt for picking me up this evening. Everybody was on time except the luggage people at the airport. And of course, I'm sure, you know, they were overloaded last night. The plane was eight feet away from the luggage place and there were only 12 people on the plane, so
they were preoccupied. But I don't complain. I soldier on and
and today I walked up 6th Ave. and and I walked the other direction on 6th Ave., came back and did some work and here we are.
I am probably not the best example of Alcoholics Anonymous that you could have had to speak here, but I am the one with the microphone, so my apologies in advance.
I am always touched when I see things that go on like this, where people
get together and and have food and share meal and put something together like this, that if it were left up to most of us in our natural state, we'd all be home on the floor. Probably. The fact that people came here early in the afternoon and put food together, that they all pitched in and put together a meal and baked and made coffee and brought beverages and set this whole thing up is a pretty remarkable thing for Alcoholics. Because nobody who did that
is looking for a pat on the head. You know, you don't get bonus points, they don't give you extra cookies at the end. It's just,
it just is done because people like doing it. They just do it and they throw it out there and they don't know where it's going to go. I found that out for my first a a meeting. I've been sober since the 11th of June of 1981 and I, I have
clap for the people who had to put up with me for those first five years, but I got that's my sobriety date. I have a sponsor. I think it's important to have a sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous. I would not have anything in my life that I have. We're not for the guidance of someone who had more time than I did and knew the way down the path. And
but when I first came to my first AAA meeting, it was probably a little bigger than this one. It was in Tustin, CA. It was a Sunday night. There was coffee made, there were cookies out. There was a literature table with literature on it. There were, there was a secretary, a woman who dressed up to stand at the podium. There was a speaker who showed up with a coat and tie on to try to look like an example of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it was all there. And I walked into that. It was all in place. And I got the benefit of all of that from people who didn't even know I was going to be there
and didn't even ask me to thank them. They just did it because they knew there was somebody there who might do it, might, might benefit from it. And I've been the beneficiary of Alcoholics Anonymous
as, as Larry T, my friend says, divine inconvenience ever since, because it everybody who put that meaning together. It was on a June day and on a nice June Sunday. And I'm sure everyone has something better to do that day. I'm sure they did. Everybody has something better to do tonight. Everybody always has something better to do. And then they come to a A anyway, and they find something that they can do that makes them feel better than what they originally thought they could do that night. And it seems to work out that way. And those are the people who are the winners and the ones who surrender to it.
I woke up the other morning, I've got 2 little kids, I started late. I've got an 8 year old and a six year old. Both of them were asleep in my bed because they come in there, that's where they want to sleep. They won't sleep on their own bed. So I tried that. I tried putting them in their own beds. And sometime during the night I wake up and they're both in my bed. I have a girlfriend who's just a wonderful human being and I have income. I have a home. I go to a A and I'm active here. I have guys I sponsor, I have good health and I have a decent life. And it took me about 30 seconds to come to the conclusion as I lay there,
Dad, what the hell is the use? Have you ever had those moments where everything is just fine and you just think, why bother? You know? And that's the kind of mentality I have. And that's the reason I keep coming back to meetings because I have that's been the basis of my life ever since I can remember. I'm, I'm Pete and Katie's son. I grew up in, in, I was born in the San Fernando Valley in California and grew up in Encino, CA for a while. Then we fled political persecution and moved to Orange County. And I spent my formative years in Anaheim, CA, which is a little bit
Aberdeen, except we have an amusement park there and just wanted to get away. I don't know where I wanted to go, but I wanted to get out of Anaheim and I wanted to get away from everything. Ever since I can remember, wherever I was was not the place I was supposed to be. I should be over there. I should be with those people. And I never felt comfortable with people and I never liked people. I I still have my days, not not now, of course, but I actually, I just it's not people individually, but it's just a human race that is just this loathsome mass of procreating
waste of carbon as far as I can see. I don't understand what the way people are, how we ever even got into a second generation of human beings
really. They're just as my sponsor used to say, just a bunch of miserable little rat faced bastards. All the problem I have with hating the human races. And on the other hand, I demand its approval all the time and it's adoration if possible. And it really gives your life a sense of torque to have that kind of conflict going on. But I think every alcoholic understands that completely. When I am completely lonely, I mean despairing of loneliness and and futility,
the last thing I want to do is be around people. You know that doesn't say Alcoholics go OK, and you know, you say that to the PTA and they look at you like you landed from another Galaxy. We, you can say things in a, a meetings to people that they understand that when you say it in regular company, it stops the conversation right near the end of my drinking, I was, I, I went to college when I was 17. I started college at 17 and graduated at 30, which showed you that I was certainly not certainly fulfilled my potential. And,
and I, I got an intern. I was a journalism major and I got an internship at the Los Angeles Times, which is a big deal down in the Orange County edition. And so I was working at the LA Times a couple of days a week writing stories and I worked in a bookstore as a receiving clerk. I, I was going to be a writer. So I thought if I got a job in a bookstore that way, whoops. So here, let me open.
Yeah. So speak for yourself.
So I now I lost my track and I'm have to start all over again because I, the LA Times and that we were on my last day as an intern there. They've been there for a few months and they took me out to lunch because they like me. And that was important. Even though I couldn't stand to go there because I, the pressure was so intense that when I left there, the first thing I did was go to a bar and get drunk and get sick and then come in hungover the next day and have to do it over again. So we're in the car and they're taking me out to lunch and I was driving. We're driving by a big agricultural field in Orange County where they were picking strawberries. There were a lot of people in this field. Now have the big hats on. We're picking strawberries,
Adam. And I said out loud, do you ever wish you could just have a job like that where you could just be in a field picking strawberries all day and everybody in the car, like one human said no, now what? Are you crazy? And it just looks so idyllic to me to just go out and sit in the middle of a field with nobody around me and just pick strawberries. That would just be so perfect. And they didn't understand clearly. And
then after that, I couldn't be happier to be rid of them, to tell you the truth, because they were real drag. But people don't think that way. We do
everything looks good to us when it's not where we are right now. And I love people say Alcoholics can't handle change. I love change as long as it's my idea.
It's it's other people's change imposed on me that I don't like. I love change. I change every day. I live in a different house, I have a different girlfriend, go to drive a different car every day. If I could, what a life that'd be. Unfortunately, people impose things on me and I don't like that. So I grew up, you know, pretty uneventfully. I had a lot of potential, which I still own about 90% percent of it tonight, but I
I was always being brought into, I was an only child. So I had really I enjoyed being alone. I enjoy spending time by myself. It doesn't bother me, doesn't freak me out. And I was always being drawn into teachers offices and priests offices and counselors offices and have my parents in tow and have them told, you know, Charles has a lot of potential. We just don't understand why he doesn't do anything with it. And my dad had about a fifth grade education. I think my mom had about a 7th grade education. They really wanted me to have an education and
I my reaction to that statement was always the same. I just was seething as a teenager and I said
great, I know I've got potential. I know that and you know it and now my parents know it. Thanks. A bundle and I will use my potential when I'm God damn good and ready to, but not a moment before then. And when I use my potential, I hope you've got sunglasses on Skipper 'cause I'm going to light you up.
But until I decide to use my potential, why don't you go take your concern for it and go wipe it on some other SAP?
Because if you were such hot stuff anyway, you wouldn't be high school counselor. And how would you?
It never came out in exactly those words. I usually said something like I'll try harder, but
it was, I always reacted that way to every time somebody tried to suggest something or imply something that made me feel like I was less than, that I was not important, that I was not doing what I was supposed to be doing. All of my anger and it just became rage. It wasn't like I was ready to take constructive criticism. It was just rage. And it just added one more thing to my one more pin on my map of why the human race is miserable because I can. I'll do it as soon as I figure it out.
I'm just into figuring out. It seems like everybody else here understood how to figure it out. I didn't get it, you know, and I didn't understand why it was, I probably wasn't even looking. I was immature. I didn't know how to deal with women, with girls. I mean, they were, they were like a mystery to me. And I'm, I'm 57 years old and they're still no more. I'm no more aware of how to deal with them now than I ever have been. But but I'm racking up the numbers anyway.
Just as long as the Child Support comes in fine, it's all right. But I and I got, like I said, I got out of high school with no notoriety. I was just sort of the the high school dork and
6 foot two and at the time 127 lbs of just percolating testosterone.
I want. I wound up getting a job in the music industry as a I was a a clerk in a record store and I was working there and some guys came in from my high school who were sort of the tough guys and they asked me if I wanted to go to a party. And now I'd never been at at this is when I was 18. It was 1968. I was about 18 years old. I just turned 18 and I've never been to a party before. I didn't go to a party in high school. I didn't party. I don't use party as a verb, party as a noun. And I never went to a
party and I didn't like people who went to parties because people who go to parties are real sociable and really fun. And I hate sociable, fun people. I hate people who really enjoy small talk because it's just a, it's just a reflection of the size of their thoughts. And
and I, I had big ideas and I don't need your petty little. I want you to go to my cousin's house. My dad had fifteen brothers and sisters and I had like a trillion cousins. And we go there for holidays. I didn't know what to say once it got past, you know, how's it going, big guy?
They all like sports. They all like, you know, I, they, I didn't fit. I just did not fit with them. I didn't fit in my school. I didn't fit in my family because they didn't understand me And, and I was just trying to find where I fit. And so they said, come, why don't you come to this party? We're having a party on Saturday night and it's in Santa Ana. Show up. So I've got my buddy John, who was my pal from junior high school and on. And so John and I went to this party and it was at a, at a big Victorian house. There are probably 200 kids there and and half the room was drunk and the other half was on acid
and they were all acting as if they were having a conversation and I'm standing off in the corner. I had been there for 5 minutes. I knew I had made a major miscalculation in ever coming to a party because I hadn't really thought about it. But if I had there actually people go to parties. That's why I didn't go to parties because there would be others there and I was standing off to the side and just see thing about being there. These people are a bunch of miserable, phony,
pretentious fake hippie types.
It's all peace loved of all the the silly hippie patois of the 1960s going on in there. And I loathed it. I just could not wait to get out of there. I was grinding on this and some guy walked by and handed me a can of malt liquor that's distributing, I guess. And he went around handing me this can of malt liquor. And I thought my first reaction was, oh wonderful, now I get to be just like the rest of you, a bunch of idiots, you know, I can just join the idiot race, you know. But it didn't seem like I was going to get anything else to drink at that party. So I popped this can of malt liquor open and, and started drinking.
And it occurred to me about halfway through that can that I've been way too hard on you people.
I got through that halfway through that can of malt liquor and I started to feel sort of fond of you, started what kind of liking you, as a matter of fact. And I felt like maybe we had something to talk about. And I got all the way through that can of malt liquor and I, for the first time in my life, I wasn't worried about yesterday. I wasn't afraid of what's going to happen tomorrow. I was there, man. I was just there all that. I always felt like I was separated from people, not by a wall necessarily, because if it was a wall I wouldn't try to get,
but by some kind of film like like like the albumin kind of stuff that you push on it and it moves with you and I can't breakthrough it. And when I drank that can of malt liquor, it seemed like everything just dropped away and I was there right in the moment and I liked it. I liked you. I liked the way I felt. I like the clarity I was getting. I like the sense of well-being that it brought me. And now trust me, if you're new, I didn't have these thoughts in real time. Nobody, whoever speaks from an, A, a podium experience this kind of awareness in real time.
All I knew was, whoa, this is great. I didn't realize that only about maybe 5% of the human race experiences that kind of feeling when they drink alcohol. And that's a symptom of alcoholism. Most people I know drink, have a few drinks, they start to get a little dizzy and they go, I got to stop. I was married to one of those people for a while. She would try to drink with me and she would start drinking and she'd have about 3 glasses of wine and she'd go. I got to stop. I'm starting to lose control. And I thought, well, the problem is you're a quitter.
You gotta stick with it. You can't just have three good dizzy and, and feel like you're losing control. What I didn't understand was that when I drank, I just start getting some control. You know, when I'm drinking, I'm I'm out of control sober. When I'm drinking, I feel like I got it going, think better. I drive better, I move better, I speak better, I'm smooth, I'm good with the women. Well, sort of. But I, I was, I hadn't put that into effect yet, but
I, I just knew that I was better drinking. I just felt better
and I could stay sober for a period of time if I knew there was drinking coming up on the end of it. It's fine. It was great. I'm going to go out and have a little party next week or I'm going to drink with my buddies this weekend. And and I just started, I became a I became an alcoholic drinker at that point. I don't, I don't have a very exciting drunk. A log of I'm sure most of you have much more. I mean, you all I used to come to a a meetings when I was new and just listen to the stories because I hear stuff, you know, wild stuff. I heard this guy named Father Larry one time who said he woke up
with a couple of hookers while he's a priest. And I thought, whoa, whoa, Father, you know,
go Padre and but I didn't have those. I've never come out of a blackout saying cover me, I'm going in or, or come out of a blackout saying, OK, cut the red wire. Nothing like that happened to me. I I've never come out of a blackout saying much of anything. I have come out of a blackout with people saying things to me like, boy, I bet that hurt. But I I personally, if you know,
I don't say a lot when I come out. I liked blackouts at first. I thought blackouts were amazing. I can be in a,
I could be at a get together. We like to call them in Long Beach drinking and saying, oh, I should be getting home. And then
Santa Monica, you know, standing in the middle of my living room 2 seconds later going, wow,
this is great. I'm going to shave hours off my travel time. It was like being molecular, having molecular transport, you know, all of a sudden you're over here and you appear over here. I thought blackouts were just what that was for. You know, it just eliminated all the unnecessary interaction so I can get to the good stuff. And I, I blacked out a lot.
I blacked out for about 12 years and
I drank through the 1970s pretty much. I got married in the mid, in the middle 1970s and 197076 and I love this woman. I thought that she, I thought that by marrying someone I have, I have a track record as most males do in Alcoholics Anonymous. Men in AAI don't know about women 'cause they all, they all talk amongst each other and giggle and then and then hate each other. But men, men never get that way. Men talk amongst each other and, and it's like it's a real, it's serious stuff that men are talking about. It's like, how do we get out of this And we after it's over,
resent each other. Either we're really like you're my pal now I need to talk to you. But I've always had this
sense that I was, I didn't know what I felt like I was being LED into a trap, usually with women that I couldn't resist because I am, since I was nine years old, I've been on hormone alert. You know, I can spot a troubled female from 60 feet away and I could walk into the Coliseum and pick one out of a crowd at 350,000 people and grab her. But man, I just, I'm going to clean this up a little bit. But I had there's
AI used to go out with this woman
and she was a friend and
I asked her one time,
what do women think makes a great relationship? I'm just curious, what is it that you think makes a great relationship? And she said dead serious. It's one where you laugh and screw and laugh and screw and laugh and screw. And we laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and and then it was time to to leave, I think because screw was apparently coming over.
And but that was what she said. And I,
that's sort of the nature of my relationships. My first big crush was sister Irene. And I sort of colored the nature of my relationship with women ever since I but I just, but I haven't stopped. It's almost like alcoholism. I know it's bad, but next time it'll be OK.
I, I have this. I got to tell this story too, because it it, it sort of exemplifies everything. I'll tell you a couple of stories that exemplify everything about me and then you'll get it
when I've sponsored this guy named Tom and he was getting married a couple years ago and he he needed, he said he wanted to do a sexual inventory, just a straight sexual inventory to kind of clean up any loose areas before he got married. I mean, just kind of get things done and put away. OK. So he came over to my house. Now my kids, we have this rabbit named Domino. He's since gone into the big war in the sky. But he Domino had a fondness for my this little pink plastic ball that my daughter had. It was, it was bigger than he was, but he he really liked this ball. I mean,
really like this ball, OK. And Domino would get up on that ball and hold it still and he would move his hip so fast that if I could do it, I have a 22 inch waist. I'll tell you. He was just, he just loved the spawn. He would. He was relentless. He was always on the spa and sit there drinking coffee in the morning, reading the paper and look up in the ball and go by. And there would be Domino right behind him. And then it would roll over and he'd fall off. And then he'd run away. And then not, not an hour later, I'd look and there he is again doing it. And he'd roll over and fall off and run away. And so.
Tom's reading a sexual inventory in the backyard
and all of a sudden the pink ball rolls out in the peripheral vision and Domino jumps on it. And he starts doing, you know, expressing his fondness for the ball. And, and Tom looked up from his inventory. He'd never seen it. He just looked over and, and he goes back and Domino falls off the ball and runs away. And so Tom continues reading. A few minutes later, here comes Domino pushing the ball again, going at it. And, and then he rolls over and falls off and runs away. And Tom's looking over there. He stops reading. I said, just come on, keep, keep reading, keep reading. And he's looking and he keeps reading. And not, not 5 minutes later,
here comes the ball again and Domino, right on top of it rolls over. He's pushing on the ball, he's getting a little further than he had before. And Tom looks at me and says, this time it's going to be different.
And I thought that's the story of my life right there.
Just when I think I've got it going on, I roll off the ball, if you know what I mean. And I think every man in this room understands exactly what I'm talking about in a metaphorical sense. And but
my life, I've been right. I'm a writer by I
that's my job. And I didn't start writing until after I got sober. I wanted to be a writer up until I got sober. And then I talked with this writer who was in my group and said, you know, I've always wanted to be a writer. And his name was Maurice Zolitau. He's long gone now, but he was just a sweet guy and he was a pretty well known professional writer. He turned to Ryan, looked at me and he goes then write something and walked away. And I thought, well, easy for you to say. I got big plans. And so I've been writing this story for a long time. I keep writing and putting it away and writing and putting away because I'm, I'm not really into it because somebody wanted it. And I'm not really, I don't really
genre, but I don't know much about weapons. I'm getting an education at the motel I'm at, I'll tell you that. But
getting out of their cars with heavy arms and it's pretty exciting, actually. I just run into my room and hide. But I was doing some research on handguns in the 1930s, and they said that in the 1930s, the average military handgun, when you squeeze the trigger, and I know someone's going to correct me, keep it to yourself. Try really hard. When you pull the trigger on a handgun, the bullet comes out of the chamber at 450 feet per second. And one of those guys, I'm sure it's much more now, but that's a hot floor, that's a flying hot piece of metal at 450 feet per second,
boom, it's 450 feet away. And if you take a handgun and you shoot it into a swimming pool or a body of water, boom, comes out of the barrel, still 450 feet per second, hits the surface of the water, continues on that for another couple of feet, and then it just stops. And it just drifts harmlessly to the bottom of the pool.
Such is the trajectory of my life. I come out of the barrel at 450 feet per second, red hot and ready to go. And then I hit water and I continue to go into it. And then eventually in just a few seconds, I just drift harmlessly to the bottom of the pool. And the water is fear. And you can I come out blazing with ideas and thoughts and and intentions
that are all decent.
I don't. I was, I had good parents. I had a good school that I went to. I had good neighbors. And people taught me how to the difference between right and wrong. And I knew what was right and I knew what was wrong. And I always came out with the express idea of doing the right thing. And then I hit the wall of fear. And it manifests itself, as it says in our book, in a lot of different ways. And I would just eventually just give everything up and go right to the bottom of the pool and just stop.
And when I drank, I got the satisfaction of 450 feet per second
without even having to pull the trigger. I just felt so good when I drank. Why screw up my buzz by actually doing something? You know? I got the satisfaction of a job well done without doing a damn thing when I drag. And I loved it. Unfortunately, when you're someone like me and you base your entire life on that, everything is put off. Everything is put off and there's no growth whatsoever. Because I will drink before I'll do anything else. I'll drink before I face fear. I'll drink before I even
face discomfort. I prefer to have a few drinks because it takes that away. And I can't have a few drinks, as anybody in here knows, or I wouldn't be here tonight. If I could just have a few drinks, I'd be fine. But I can only when I start drinking with the intention of having a few drinks, my intentions go right out the window and I wind up drinking alcoholically. And you know, I wish it were otherwise, really, actually not because I wouldn't have anything in my life that I have today if it were not for Alcoholics Anonymous. But that's how I live my life. And
and so on the 11th of June of 1981,
I had been through therapy for two years that wasn't going well. I was still peeing blood and had wobbly teeth. And I'd gotten that job at the bookstore as a stepping stone to being a writer. And I've been there for eight years. At that point. It would be 12 before I would leave. And I was sick. One time I came back from lunch and I had I was still on a buzz from drinking at lunch and I fell off a loading dock and broke my wrist and, and had all these little, you know, I pulled over by the cops quite often. And in those days, you could pretty much get away from with murder
in LA with being pulled over by the cops because if they had something better to do,
they got a call, they go take care of that and leave me there. You know, I have more times where either the cops knew me from being graduates of Santa Monica College or something. You know, sometimes they just take your keys and throw them in the trunk of your car and slam the lid and say come back and get them tomorrow and walk home. And but these days it doesn't happen that way. But but I had been in trouble physically, spiritually, mentally. My wife was divorcing me. She wanted a husband in her marriage. I didn't know how to be a husband. I didn't know that it meant going to different plateaus of communication with a person.
I didn't know anything about that. I would just get angry and feel rejected and then just retaliate, but not in an obvious way. I were to retaliate in a really passive way that would drive her insane. You know, some of us are
the other way. It's still the same alcoholism. It's just an inability to form a relationship with another human being in the sense of a real relationship where you're relating in the relationship, not an A, a relationship where you brush against something in an elevator and all of a sudden you got marriage plans. But
I
although I looked out my window at the hotel and you don't have any elevators in this town, do you? Everything's one story. I could see the horizon from my room, but it was exciting.
But I, I just was sick. I was sick in every area of my life and, and despairingly sick. And my therapist was throwing a meditation retreat and I thought, well, I don't want to miss that. And so I've been good and drunk the night before and went to this meditation retreat. Now
I want it was in Santa Barbara or Montecito, California, which is just north of Los Angeles, just before you get to Santa Barbara. And I went there thinking that there would be wine there because it was at a Catholic retreat house and Catholics drank wine. It's pretty well known fact. I was raised Catholic. That was the only thing I thought had any hope in the church was the wine. And I got up there and parked my car and there were about 100 people there and it was stacked parking. So I was one of the first people there and I get up there and
so she, the therapist, her name is Daisy, and she said, what would you like to drink?
I said, well, let's have a glass of red wine. And she said, she laughed. She said we don't have any wine here.
How about some herb tea?
I thought. Oh, you know what I thought?
Wine or herb tea.
Wine or herb, Not even tea, which tea has. You know, you can get some bite out of some tea, you can get a buzz, you can get kicking with some tea if you really use enough of it. Wine or but chamomile is not going to cut it a little. Hibiscus and rose hips? No, I don't think so. I need a glass of wine. See, my skin is starting to expect it
at this point. I haven't had a drink in about 15 hours and I could use a glass of wine. And I went to go out to my car and it was blocked in now because it was stack parking. And I got stuck there for the weekend. And the next day they had a guided, a guided meditation in the morning, which was I'm sure everybody else was having it. We're all on the floor and sort of like spokes on a wheel heads all in the center of the room. And she played
this calming music on a little tape recorder and walked us through a field.
You're now walking through the grass and you can feel it beneath your feet. And I couldn't feel that. All I could feel was shag carpet skewering me in the back while I was laying there. And I was starting. I'd started detoxing the night before. And she said, now you get to a waterfall and the waterfall, you step into the waterfall and you feel it's coolness and the water changes color and it turns blue and it washes away all your sadness. And it turns green and it washes away all your jealousy. The water turns red and it washes away all your
anchor and I'm laying there thinking, are we going to go through the entire Sherwin-Williams catalog at this thing? Can we just I could. I was not. I wasn't feeling water. I wasn't thinking anything except I got to get out of here. You ever have those moments where, especially with other people, you may be having one right now, but
where you're in a conversation, And I heard a comedian say this years ago, He judged the success of any conversation in a date based on how many times he said to himself, shut up to shut up, Shut up or show God, make her shut up. Make her shut up. That's how I was feeling that time laying there on the floor going, OK, all right, I'm ready, I'll shut up. Stop it, stop it, stop it. I can't feel this anymore. I'm just laying there, everybody else's,
you know, ALM and and then she said something that just riveted me. She said, now I want you to look through the waterfall and on the other side of the waterfall, you can see where you're going to be in five years from today. And for a moment, I was there. I looked through the waterfall and I saw myself hanging from my bathroom door by the rope of the the waist thing on my robe
dangling. That's funny for you.
There I was hanging from the bathroom door and I thought,
you've got to be kidding me, you have got to be kidding. And it was as vivid as anything I've ever seen before. And then the meditation was over and she said, OK, now with what you've seen of your life, I want you to go out onto the grounds for the next 5 hours and think about your life. Which is great news for an alcoholic to have five hours in which you're directed to think about your life. I thought I got a simpler solution. Why don't I just put my face right down by the bumper of your car and you floor it?
You know, because I don't want to think about my life. And I went out on this grounds and I was out there for the full five hours. And with maybe an hour, I was sitting as far away from the retreat house as I could get
and I just sat there thinking I just want to die. I don't live like this anymore. I don't want to pee blood. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to be have the world fail at. Every expectation I've ever had of the world has been a failure because people always let me down. I'm not fit and I do not fit in this world. I don't fit in here. There's just there's no niche for me. I don't know how to behave in here. I try. I have good intentions. And every time I wind up angry, hostile, and as I found out in our book, restless,
irritable and discontented. And always at some point face pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization when I haven't been drinking. Just that sense that I am a complete loser and I just want to die. That's all I want. I don't want any drama. I don't want to have a big dramatic fanfare about this. Just Take Me Out of this world, whatever you're. I wish I could just be lifted up out of this world and just disappear. And at the moment I felt that. I felt
absolutely loved from that. From the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, I felt filled with love for about 30 seconds
and then it just evaporates, faded away. And I thought, now what? I'm going insane, you know, now I'm losing my mind. And I walked away from there. And
I didn't realize at the time
I taught writing in college sober. I got, I had a lot of career changes in my sobriety. But when I was about four years sober, I got hired as I've been going to grad school because my sponsor said I couldn't complain about the job at the bookstore unless I did something about it. And I said, what do you suggest I do? And he said, we'll go to grad school and get a degree, another degree. And so I went to grad school and I was in there for about a semester. And then one of the Deans came down and offered me an opportunity to teach at the college where I was unloading books off trucks in the daytime. She said, we need a teacher. We have one class of 30 kids and we don't have
teacher for the class and we need somebody immediately. Can you do it? And I said, well, when is this? I think I can, let me call somebody first. I had to call Bill and Bill, what do I do? And he said we'll take the job. Well, you know, I kind of was thinking if I stayed in grad school for another year and finished my grad school work for the year and really studied my subject matter, then I'd be a much better. And all I heard on the other end of the line was,
you know, dial tone. And I called him back and said, did we get disconnected? And he goes, no, I hung up on you. Click again. And so I went back and said, OK, I'll take the job. And I became a teacher.
And while teaching writing is a long way to get to this. But while teaching writing, I taught. We had to teach
certain types of writing like descriptive writing and narrative writing and how one of them was how to writing. So you tell how to change the oil in your car or how to tie a shoe. Try writing that. Try to try describing how to tie your shoe without using your hands. We used to give them those exercises and watch them squirm and get upset. But I, I taught how to write, how to do something by using an essay from a writer about how to open a, an oyster
and
experienced those oysters, you can't pull them apart. They're solid muscle. They're sucking it in. You try to open one and they won't, they won't budget. You can't pull it open with your fingers. But an experienced fisherman can take a knife, the tip of the knife and run it around the outside of the shell where the two pieces meet together and they have to breathe, They have to open up a little bit to let oxygen in. And that's called the purchase point. And when the fisherman hits the purchase point with a knife
and slide the tip of the knife in there, push it in and just pull that baby open and open it wide up. It doesn't have any power against that.
Once it finds the purchase point, it just you can, you can open oysters all day as long as you can run that thing around and put there it is open, open them up
in the same way. The purchase point inside of me was that moment where I just did not know what to do. I didn't ask God for help, but I dropped all my resistance against any kind of outside help. And that was that little, that little place where he just got his point in me, split me wide open for a second and said, I'm here when you want me, I'll be here still. And then when I finally got an awareness of that, something happened, I shut the door again,
you know,
and I've been spending the last 26 years trying to get the door open again a little bit at a time through help from people and Alcoholics Anonymous. I went home from that retreat. I haven't had a drink since. I haven't had taken a pill. I don't drink near beer because I don't want to be near sober. And I think drinking near beer is like a reformed junkie take an empty syringes and just poking at his arm.
I but
I went home from there. Not I never thought I was gonna that was gonna be that drink that I'd had the week before or the day before I went to that retreat was gonna be the last drink I had. But I went home from that retreat and I thought I'm not gonna drink today. And I didn't drink and I white knuckled it for a while. I went to a wedding reception and didn't drink there, which was crazy. It was crazy. And then I went to bless you. I went to
my sister-in-law,
my soon to be ex wife's brother died of alcoholism at 25 and he drowned. He, I drank with him. We drank alike. We knew, we knew exactly where we were going and what we were doing. And he drove up to Lake Castaic and, and California and, and I went in the water one day and never came out and had to drag the lake for him and his widow. He had a 5 year old daughter that he left behind. And his widow was alcoholic like I was because I've been drunk with her too. And
I, I got a phone call from my mother-in-law and she said because I had told her
I'm gonna quit drinking this week, I'm gonna stop drinking because she'd seen me. She'd asked me one time if I had a problem with alcohol. And I said maybe, you know, as I was drunk on her couch. And I just dodged about 6 lanes of traffic crossing Pacific Coast Highway in Newport Beach to try to get to a liquor store at 11:00 in the morning to get 3 bottles of champagne, which sounds really, really classy drinking, unless you realize it was Andre champagne. That's about $1.19 a bottle. And I, I ran back through the traffic, dodging cars to get back across the street. And she said, do you have a drinking problem? I said, I don't know, do I
throw it back on him? And so, and it was her son who died of alcoholism. And so I got a call from her. She said Debbie's getting out of the detox for the care unit in, in Orange and she needs a ride to an, a, a meeting. Since you quit drinking this week, could you give her a ride to the meeting? And I said, yeah, I can do that. And, and I was detoxing myself. I was going through, I'd forgotten how to walk. The second day that I was, I stopped drinking. I went to work and I was supposed to go up and get the mail and I literally forgot how to walk. I had to sit down on a planter for about 1/2 an hour and just sit there.
OK, I'm gonna try it again and then try to get up and go. No, no, that's not gonna work. I can't do it. I just can't do it. And I didn't know that was a result of quitting drinking, that sometimes that happens. I was hearing people in my car in the back seat going here, Charlie. I I was hearing the same Steely Dan tape going over and over and over again in my tape player. And it hadn't been connected for four years. You know, it just kept playing and, and I was flipping away. I kept getting these imaginary gnats, these one things that congregate right in your right at the edge of your vision
until you look at them and then they go away.
And then you go back to talking to the person you're talking to and back they are again, like this. And you keep looking. You keep. All I could do was brush them away, you know, which is was unnerving. My boss at work, she'd be talking to me and I'd be going, yeah, I can, I can do that. And
it was. Now I do that 'cause I'm mining hair.
So.
So I went to get Debbie and picked her up and we it was about 25 minutes to the meeting, 2025 minute drive and I'm in my beat up old Volkswagen doesn't have a reverse. It hadn't had a reverse for years because that would have been way too hard to get it fixed. It was much more convenient to try to find a hill to park on facing downhill with no one in front of me. That seemed a lot easier than trying to actually get the transmission fixed, but that's another story. But if you're alcoholic, you understand. And
so I parked and I got her and drove her up on the on the way to the meeting. In the 25 minutes it took to get to the meeting, this woman who had 22 days of sobriety, 12 step me
and I didn't even know I was being 12 stepped. She looked good. She sounded good. She looked like a different person than I had seen and then I had seen a month earlier. And she said she'd been going to 3A a meetings a day in this care unit and that she was understanding the program and it made her feel like there was some hope and that she felt like a different person. And she really liked what she was doing and really wanted to get to this meeting to see if she could keep it going outside of the care unit. And I pull her up. I pull up in front of the care unit in front of the meeting that night. And I said, here you go. When would you like me to come back and get you? And she said, why don't you
meeting with me? And I said because I'm not an alcoholic,
really, Charlie, don't even pay any attention to him. They just and.
I said I'm not an alcoholic and I was serious. And she said you don't have to be an alcoholic. It's an open meeting. Maybe since you quit drinking this week, if you come in, you'll hear something that'll help you is to stop drinking. And that was all I had to hear was that maybe that somebody could help me. And I didn't have to be an alcoholic to go in there. I didn't have to say I was an alcoholic. I wasn't. But I went in there and I felt guilty anyway because I thought I was. I was sort of mocking you by being there because I still had the ember of potential going. And once I got that fanned, again, adios, amigos.
I really appreciate what you're doing here. But it really is Loserama. And that's how I felt when I came in and people kept coming up to me. I now you got to understand, at the time, I was 30 years old. I wore a Sherlock Holmes hat. I had shoulder lengths, hair and a big mustache. I had sunglasses on and was in a wool jacket with a wool sweater vest and my shirt button to the neck. And it was about 109 outside that day. And I'm standing in the back of the room. And I wore boots at the time. And I'm rocking on my heels and doing this and getting really annoyed when people would come up and say,
are you new? Stop. No, I'm not new because I thought new was like, you were drunk when you came across a threshold of the meeting. I got four days. And they would do just that. They go and I go. You know, that was the hardest four damn days of my life.
So I'm not new.
I was serious too. I mean, I'm not not new. It's just, you know, there's so much going on. There's a lot going on. I, I've got the big picture of things. You people are, you know, I know you want to keep it simple because it's clearly for simple folk. And but I've got this. I've got this big picture matrix of how the world is and ought to be.
I can't even express it to you because you just chuckle,
you know, because out of ignorance, I guess. But boy, I wish you people well, you know. But I sat there at the meeting and the speaker made me laugh and I remember sitting there laughing. I laugh for a different reason. The rest of the meeting did because I was really thinking that what he was talking about was logical. When he talked. He, he, his name is Ron. I remember this and he had been a, he was a lawyer in San Pedro, CA and he had been in the army and got drunk and crashed his Jeep and flew over the top of the windshield and hit a tree and broke, broke his jaw. So they wired his jaw shut. Except you have one broken tooth
front. So he would put a straw through there and drink his bourbon with it. And he thought he was really ingenious 'cause he stuck the bourbon through the straw until someone said, what are you doing, man? If you get sick and you have to vomit, your jaws wired shut, you're going to suffocate. And he said, and it jolted himself that from then on, he carried a pair of wire cutters in his back pocket when he drank. Now people laughed exactly like you did, but I was laughing, going, Yeah,
yeah, these people are smart in here.
That's what I would do. You know, I wasn't getting it. That he was telling a story about recovering based on his experiences in the past or qualifying as an alcoholic. I was still relating on a pure, new, purely new ground where I thought now somebody talking some sense, there was a guy. I went, I, I kept coming back because Debbie, for the next week, they first, they got me a big book, which was, you know, come and get a big book, Get a big book, get a big book. Yeah, come on, get your big book. I thought.
Does this book have a title?
I work in a bookstore. We got a lot of big books there, but if it's not as big as Arneson Art Through the Ages, it's not a very big book as far as I'm concerned. Well, yeah, come on, get your big book.
OK. So I humored him and I went up to get a big book and they gave me the big book and it was 3 bucks. I was five. I'm sorry. It was $5. I had three bucks in my pocket. And and the woman who was a literature chairperson said, I said, I've only got 3 bucks, I'll get it next time I come back with with the addendum in my head because I'm not coming back and I'll get it next time I come back. That's fine. Just you know. And she said, no, no, come here, come here, come here. You got $3. I said, yeah. She goes, you give me two. The book is yours. That other dollar put it in the basket when it comes by because you can't stay sober on somebody
dime. OK, so I put the dollar in the basket and I thought, what am I going to do for coffee after? Because they all wanted to go for coffee. Let's go for coffee. We'll go for coffee and then we'll talk. We'll talk a lot. We'll talk about numbers three and four and 78910 and just chatter, chatter, chatter. And I went out for coffee with them. I said, I don't have any money. And they said don't worry about it. It's all taken care of. You're covered here. You want a piece of pie or something? No, I don't want to owe anybody anything. And I, and I walked away from that literature table and I, I realized as I was walking away, you know, I'm into the IRS,
I'm into the every credit card company in North America.
I owe my boss about four hundred 250 to 400 bucks because I've written bad checks at work. Not a good idea. And 'cause they can find you. I found it. And I owed everybody pretty much. I would Max wife because I tapped out her credit card. I owed everybody on earth. And now, now I'm into a, a for three bucks because she said, oh, just come back and pay it when you can. And if you don't have the money, it's all right. You don't have to pay it. I just felt terrible when I left. I felt like such a loser, such a shabby loser. And I got their big book.
Oh man. And I came back the next week because Debbie was going to get a 30 day chip, a chip. I don't know if they give chips out here. They give little tokens for links of sobriety in, in Southern California. They call them chips. And Debbie said we got to come see me get a chip. And I thought, well, I couldn't miss that
chip. Really. And she goes a chip on it. Yeah, I get a chip. If you if you stay sober, Charlie, for 30 days, you get a chip and a hug. I thought, watch chip and a hug.
I need a chip and a hug. I don't want anybody to touch me. Don't just get, don't, don't touch me. And so I went back to next week to see Debbie get her chip and everybody, all the people from the recovery house. And she was all crying and applauding. It was like, you know, Academy Award night. She got a 30 day ship. And I think a big deal, big deal. Until I realized the third week how the wheels can come off of things so quickly sober. And the third week I came back to a A 'cause I was only going to one meeting a week, mind you, because as I understood it, a A meets on Sunday
just like any church does. A Church of a A is on Sundays. And so I came back to next week because at 32 days, Debbie got drunk and she didn't get back to a A for over probably about nine years, close to nine years. And and then I felt like I'd been dumped in a A, like, Oh no, I don't have any friends here now because the only person I knew was Debbie and she, she got drunk and she gets to drink. That was my first reaction is, oh man, she gets to drink. And I'm stuck here 'cause I know I can't drink. I just can't do it anymore. And
so I was still detoxing and, and I went there for the next two weeks. And then finally somebody suggested I start going to meetings
closer to where I work because I, a guy named Keith Carpenter spoke at, at the meeting And he, he asked me how many meetings I was going to. And I told him, you know, one a week. And he said that's not enough. You got to go to more. And I said, by the time I leave, I work in Santa Monica. I live in Anaheim. It's about a 40 mile drive. By the time I get home, it's 8:30. I can't get to a meeting, It's too late. He said, well, why don't you go to meetings by where you work?
I hate that kind of logic. That just annoys me no end. And I, I thought, OK, well, OK, he said, here's where the meeting meeting I go to meets on Wednesday nights. I'll look for you there. You gave me the address of the synagogue for the Pacific group and I went there. At the time, the Pacific was about 300 people, all happy, full of hope. Just irritated me no end. And
I didn't get it. I just, I went in there and, and I didn't understand how people could be so happy sober that there must be some kind of joke, some there's something here that's that I don't get yet. And I think I'm going to find out and be really disappointed again in who these people are because they all seem to be sincere. But I know there's got to be a sales pitch. There's going to be a rub for money. There's going to be something that's going to just I got my guard up for everything in a A and
I, I sat next to this woman. I'll tell you this, this is a, this is this. Turn my head in a a I'll tell you. I sat next to this lady named Alice. And Alice was this little black lady and she's in the back of the room. She's like a little banty rooster and
she was about my age so she would have been about 30 at the time. And she's sitting in the back of the room and she I sat down next to her cuz I got it was an 8:30 meeting. I got there early. I was there at 828 and sat down and she says how long you sober? I said about 30 days 'cause I got my chip and hug and actually I was 45 days sober at the time. And I said how long are you sober? And she says 35 and she didn't like that I was sober more than she was. And she says,
where do you go to meetings? And I said, well, I don't. I haven't been to going to many meetings. I'm just here because someone gave me a card to come here. And she says, you got a sponsor yet?
No, I don't have a sponsor. She goes, you better get you one,
get me one.
You gonna be at the meeting tomorrow night? I said, I don't, I don't know where the meeting is tomorrow night. And she goes, you got a piece of paper and a pen or a piece of paper. And I said, yeah, I take out my, I gave her a deposit slip for my checkbook because it wasn't like I'd be using that anytime soon. And I had her that and, and in this, she had this, like this rapidograph pen. And she wrote in the tiniest, finest handwriting because I told her where I worked. She wrote me directions Monday through Sunday from the driveway of where I worked,
all in this tiny, perfectly legible handwriting. Monday through Sunday. You pull out the driveway on Monday night, you turn left, You get to 20th St. turn left again, you drive down, you got. She gave me all the directions by all the local stuff that I was used to.
And I kept that thing in my wallet for probably 6 months before I just fell apart, you know, before I memorized where I was supposed to go. But I go there the next night because Alice gave me this. And sure enough, she comes shooting through the crowd. Here comes Alice, you know. Hey, you got a sponsor yet? I go, no, not yet. She goes, you better get you one. He said, yeah, I'll get me one, Alice, you know, and I asked somebody, what do I need? What's a sponsor for? And he said, well, they'll take you through the big book. I thought, oh, oh, they'll walk me through that complex big book that you have,
that deep metaphysical text.
They'll help me. I got a degree in journalism and a minor in English, but I need someone to help me unpack the jaywalker analogy.
I really need someone to guide me through the deeper meaning of G Ma, ain't it grand? The wind stopped blowing. Or give me two reasons why I should give a shit about Mr. Brown, You know, And if you don't know who Mr. Brown is, shame on you. But so I didn't need somebody to help walk me through your big book. So Alice is still, you know, you got to sponsor yet? Now I don't know. You better get you on. All right, Alice, I'll see you.
I'll see you next meeting. So the next the next meeting was a Friday night. And it was the men's stag. So I felt safe enough to go there without worrying about Alice's interrogation. And then Saturday night I went and there's Alice again, 300 people at this meeting, Alice. Just I can see the crowd party. It was like Moses, you know, Oh, criminy. God Almighty, if anybody want to talk to me besides Alice and she'd get right up to my face and just hate. And she was she was mad all the time. Mad. Not happy to see me. Just you get a sponsor yet. Jeez, you know, give me a break. Can I get a cup of coffee 1st? And or as you might call it,
ground drink a big book. So I, I, if I hadn't gotten a sponsor and I saw her Sunday night, she did the same thing. And Monday I'm driving to work from, I'm living in, like I said, 40 miles away. I'm driving up on a 405 freeway and coming along a pretty good clip. And the guy in front of me stops abruptly and I slam my brakes on that old VW and just skidded right up, right up to his bumper
and stopped. I thought oh man, oh man. And look at my rearview mirror and the guy behind me is talking to the person next to him in the car
and he just boom accordion me between the two cars. Nobody's hurt. I get out of the car. I'm out of my mind Now. I'm, I'm like 50 days sober and have no program. I got a big book. What am I going to do with that? Hit myself in the head with it to wake up from this nightmare, you know, and I'm standing there on the side of the road and neither of these guys speak English, not neither of them did. So they're talking to each other and I'm out of it. I'm standing there. I'm, I'm starting to get really panicky. You know, those anxiety things you get when you're newly sober. And I'm pacing back and forth and now the traffic
slowed down because they all have to look at who the dummies are. They got in the accident and the traffic's bumper to bumper now. And they're driving by and I glance up and this car is going by and there's Alice in the car
waving. I thought I'd give up. I completely give up.
This is like a a hell. So that night I got a sponsor
and I've had him for 26 years. And Bill has given me some specific directions to you Ready.
And if any of this is being taped, that was a soda opening. OK,
it wasn't the pheasant, but I,
I got the sponsor and he sat me down and he said, here's what I want you to do. I want you to, I want you to go to seven meetings a week. I want you to get commitments at your meetings. I want you to talk to people. I want you to go around the meeting and shake men's hands and ask them their name and get their phone number. I thought, oh,
why do I have to? Why do I have to ask guys for their phony? Come on man, I don't like people. I don't want to go out and talk to him. I'll just go to the meeting and he goes, no, I do not want to see you in your seat before the meeting starts. You are up and you're walking around and talking to people or you got to be kidding me. This is such crap. And I want you to call me every day in the morning and I want you to pray everyday to what? To what do I pray? He said just pray to God, however you understand him. And I said, you know, he said, I'm not negotiating with you. I just want you to pray.
All right? OK.
And then how much you go out for coffee with people after the meeting and get to know people.
All right, I can do that.
So I started doing that. I got commitments to all my meetings. I got cleaning, coffee pot commitment, literature mule. Wednesday night I was good enough to carry the box in because the guy had a bad back but he sold it. I just carried it in and took it out again. And I did some mop ups on Saturday night and, and set up on one night and I just did all, I had all the service work to do. And I was told in my group we treat it like a job. And I thought I caught him in a lie, said he said
a a you need a, a more than a, a needs you. And I said, well, that's so how come I have to be at my commitments every single night,
huh? And it got you there. And he said, well, that's not a, a, there's somebody in a, a who's counting on you to be where you say you're going to be when you say you're going to be there. So you might just do it for that person and show up and be on time, see what happens. OK, so I went and did, I did all that stuff for weeks and months and I, and I wound up eight at 8 months sober thinking this really doesn't work because I had a spiritual awakening. I kept hearing about spiritual awakening. I hear all these people get up and talk about I just had a spiritual awakening today. And I thought, oh, that's good for you.
You know, I, I need a spiritual awakening. I'm not having anything. I'm not even close. I pray to my bedspread. I talk to my sponsor every day. All I do is tell him that I'm going to work and I'll see him at the meeting that night and I get there and he'd be at the meeting.
I got something I'd never had before in my life. And that was a date book with with a calendar. And I and the back of that, there was a place to put phone numbers and I was getting people's guys phone numbers and writing those in the back. And I was told like one guy told me, here's my number, I want you. It was a Friday night. His name was Richard Barton. He said, I want you to call me tomorrow. Call me tomorrow at 1:00. And I was so scared that literally I went home and I sat by the telephone from 12:00 until one just to be sure. He said, I don't mean 115, I mean call me at 1:00. And I was dialing the number at 5 seconds,
one, because I knew it'd take time to ring through. I got him right at 1:00. And I go, Richard, it's Charlie calling you at 1:00. And he goes, oh, hi. What are you calling for? I thought. I thought I was the most important part of your day. And all the way it sounded last night, I said, well, I was a new guy you met last night, and you told me to call you. Oh, yeah. How you doing? OK. You going to the meeting tonight? Yeah. Great. I'll see you there.
Wow. I was kind of hoping for a little more, you know, like the secret to what's going on around here. And I started calling people just to say hi. Sometimes I got their answering machines. There weren't many answering machines back in those days, but I'd get them and I'd I'd hang up and then my sponsor said, why don't you just leave them a message? I go, what do I say? So my pat answer was hi, this is Charlie. I, I am sorry I missed you and I'm new and I got your number the other night. I'm just calling to say hi and I'm doing OK. I hope I see you at the meeting tonight. Bye. Click. That was all I said. That was all I needed to say. People come up to me. I
who I was calling because I didn't remember their face. I just had their number and the guy would come up and go, Hi, I'm Jim, you called me today. Thanks for the phone call made my day. I thought how to make your day. I didn't say anything. But you, if you're around a while, you know what a phone call on your answering machine means When someone just calls and says I'm just thinking about you and I'm just checking in, changes everything, changes everything. And I didn't believe it. I'm still cynical and skeptical about everything around here because it never works out. I put my hope into things and it always falls apart. I come out of the barrel of the gun ready to go and I always hit the water. And it's always something that you've done that has let me down,
let my guard down for this. And so how do you have a spiritual awakening when you've got your guard up all the time? And I
told Bill, I want to do the steps. I'm tired of just going to the meetings and doing the service work. Let's do the steps. And he goes, what steps are you talking about? And I said the first three steps, maybe. And he goes, are you calling me every day? Yeah. And you're going to meetings every night because I see you there. Yeah. Do you like going to meetings every single night? I said no. And he goes. But how do you feel when you leave? I said, good. You ever go? Just not wanting to go at all. And I said, yeah. And how do you feel when you leave? I feel better.
And you're praying every morning, right? Yeah. And you're going doing your commitments, you're going out for coffee because I see a coffee.
What part of the first three steps do you think you're not doing?
Because they're a lot more than just ritual, pal. The steps are not sitting around figuring out how to talk about God. It's throwing yourself down to God like a child would. And my prayers were pretty simple and embarrassing to me because I would say, hi, God, I need your help. I'd like to stay sober today. Please show me what you want me to do and I'll try to do it and give me the power to do it. And thank you. And I would pray for the people that I knew who needed help. And then I would just say, and please give me a please when you let me know your will, will you please let me know in a really obvious way, because
if you don't, I will miss it. I will miss it. So be really obvious, please. Thank you. And that's how I prayed and but I wasn't getting the spiritual awakening I wanted. And then Bill said, I said, when can I expect a spiritual awakening? Then he goes, you can't expect anything in sobriety. Just be ready to be surprised. Just relax. I don't know when you're going to have a spiritual awakening. I'm not God and I can't tell you when God's going to make himself apparent to you. But why don't you just keep doing what you're doing and see what happens. So not even a week later, I'm mopping the floor that Sunday night at Ohio St. It, which is a West LA
clubhouse, and I'm looking at the people standing in line to thank the speaker. And there were probably 120 people in line. And I'm looking at their faces and my eyes went across their faces. And it occurred to me in here and not up here, that I knew every single one of them by name. And I like them. I like them. It wasn't even a conscious thought. It was just I really like these people. And it was one of those kind of feelings where if you could have sent me any place else in the world right then, like molecular transport to, you know, Peru or someplace really fun,
I wouldn't have gone. I just wanted to stand there and feel the way I felt like that for as long as I could feel it 'cause it was, it just felt really great. And I told, I called Bill at home and I told him what happened. And he said, you just had your spirit. You just had a moment of grace. Now you know what a moment of grace is. Why don't you just keep doing what you're doing and seeing if you can't get some more of those, and maybe you'll learn how to live your life in a way that brings God out and lets him play rather than keeping him locked up inside.
And I've come to believe over the years that God is not something that I pray to up there.
He's not over there. He's not hiding behind the piano or something. He's God is inside of me in the same way that he's inside of you. He's in this podium, he's in the soda, he's in the lighting, he's in everything. He's in everything. He permeates this life and I so that that makes it incumbent upon me to treat everything in life with respect. A.
And B, it allows the trick of this all has been for me that I never get to see God in myself ever. But I get to see him in other people, you know, and I get, and when I look for him, I especially get to see him. And that's a spiritual awakening. That's a consciousness, consciousness that God is in every situation. If I can look for him and surrender myself and my expectations to Him, then he will give me something that he thinks I need. And I don't have any right to call it. You know, I can't call it.
And so when I'm frustrated or angry, I try to surrender the situation to God and see what happens. And sometimes I don't even get any. I don't even know what happened
and I go away and then six months later it occurs to me that's what happened. Oh and I didn't even know it at the time. It took me 6 months to figure it out so I don't even know it when it's happening. And they say in a A all the time, don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle happens. I would suggest that you not leave 5 minutes before you find out that the miracles already happened for you and you just haven't gotten it yet. You know, wouldn't that be a shame if you already got the miracle and you pissed it away? Because I stay in a A, because I am sure that I could never,
ever, ever again figure out the sequence of events that it would take to bring myself to desperation enough to stay sober. Did it get sober again? I'm not one of those people who believes that if I drink, I'll die. If I thought I'd take, I'd take a few drinks and just go toes up on the floor like Dylan Thomas. He died. His anniversary of his death was yesterday. He 39 years old. He drank 18 shots of whiskey and dropped dead on the floor. And I thought if, man, if I could do that, I might drink again.
You know, I get to about six shots, though, and I wet my pants. I throw up, you know, it's, it's really ugly. But
my fear is, and I'll start drinking again and I'll live another 35 years
and I'll just be in the slow, almost imperceptible, susceptible degradation and terror all the time until finally there's just nobody there. There's nothing left. You know, all the lights are out and everybody's home if you know that feeling. And so I stay in a A and do the stuff that people ask me to do. I wind up getting it. Like I said, I got that job teaching. And then about seven years later, I wound up getting an opportunity to write professionally through a sequence of
of what seemed like coincidences, but they weren't. I got asked one on my teacher vacation during the summer or during the during the winter. A friend of mine was was going to meet with an animator and he said, why don't you come with me? I'm going to go meet with this guy and we get lunch later. OK, So I just puppy dog along and met this animator and sat down and talked with him. And we had a mutual like for Bugs Bunny cartoons and Looney Tunes. And we talked about that for about an hour. And so he says, what do you do? And I said, well, I'm a teacher. And the guy the a a guy I was with goes, Charlie's a writer.
And I said, well, I write somebody goes really, could I call you if I need help on something? And I said, yeah, OK, I gave my number, didn't think anything of it. About four months later, he calls me, I need help with something. Can you help me with a story? Because he was working on a story. He couldn't figure it out. Someone over and worked with him for three days. And then about six months later, he got hired by a studio as the head director at their animation unit. And he called me for ideas for a cartoon. And I want to give him to him. And I wound up over a series of events, got hired there. That's not to tell you that what I do is so great or something great is great about me.
I'll tell you something. Everyone in this room is imbued with something that God has given each of us that we do really well. And if you're like, I am the fear, I'm all willing to do it. But when I hit that fear level, I just stop. I suck it all back and I go into protective mode. And what Alcoholics Anonymous people have taught me to do is to don't stop, keep moving. Keep moving through the fear and see what happens.
Pay attention, you know, don't be a wise ass. Just do it. And I, I wound up doing it, you know, and I, I started getting better and better at it. I wound up staying with this company for 16 years.
I wound up I, it's attitude. Also, I got to tell you it, it befuddles me truly. I, I wound up when I was working in him, I was writing animation and I got sent to do a presentation for the publishing department. They were starting at the studio and they said go over there and tell him everything you know about Looney Tunes. So I get my books together. And I thought, this is stupid because my boss is too lazy to go over and do it herself. She's a producer. She can go over and do it. I'm going over there to do it because I haven't got anything to do here. So she sends me off to do her dirty work. You know, that's what I'm thinking. My head's
like this. I go over there and I started doing the presentation. It's probably 20 people in the room and from South America, and most of them don't speak English. There's a translator there, and there's some other people there. And the president of the publishing division says there was a break in the in the morning event. And he said, why don't we step outside and talk? So I go outside and say, what's up? And he goes, I'd like to offer you a job as a senior editor in publishing. And I said, I've never edited anything in my life. I've never been. I'm not a publishing person. And he goes, well, I'll teach you everything you need to know about publishing, but you know something that I can't teach you. And I'd like to have you come with my team. And so I wound up working for this guy
by doing something that I didn't think I wanted to do by doing this presentation, but understanding that according to my AA program and what people have taught me, that I throw myself into everything I do with a positive attitude. And I wound up doing that for years. And then I wound up being in marketing at the same company. And, and I got my reviews back from people that would say, my bosses would say you, you have a really positive attitude and people like coming to see you because they know you don't gossip and they know that you don't sit around putting people down. I thought, you've got to be kidding. You should have known me 15 years ago, you know, but I don't, I don't character assassinate. I don't get into
into those little, you know, cubicle arguments with people about somebody else. And I found it over a period of time. Didn't happen right away, but I didn't have to have an enemy at work.
I didn't have to have somebody that I could train my laser like contempt for so that I would feel better about myself. I just did what I was supposed to do and enjoyed myself and I was there for 16 years and got laid off two years ago and didn't know what I was going to do. I was 55 and and had two children by the way, my children are are the light of my life, but I had them. I was in a marriage and we got we had these two kids and without going into a long story, my wife told me after three years of marriage that she
had never been in love with me and that she only wanted to have children, that she didn't want to be in the marriage anymore. And I was devastated. I mean, completely had the pins cut out from under because I was not my parents never divorced. And and so I I didn't know what to do, you know, and who comes out of the woodwork. But all this, all the divorced dads in my group
sidling up, what's going on? You seen your kids enough, You know, how's it working out? I don't know what to do when I'm with my kids. I'm 55. I know what to do with these little kid. They're little. They were tiny little kids when we got divorced. And these guys taught me how to how to stay engaged in my children's lives and how to be a good father and how to make sure that my, you know, my child support payments are always on time. And how I was never, ever to talk negatively about their mother in front of them ever.
And I've been able to hold on to that and stay and not do that. And it's changed my life. It's changed everything.
And so when I got laid off, I thought, oh man, I got all this child support. I have a mortgage, I've got all the stuff to do. I have no income, what am I going to do? And someone said, why don't you start your own business? You know how to write, Why don't you start a writing business? So I did, and I've been doing that for the last two years. So I'm trying to keep that going, you know, But, but you know what, What is funny, this is the point in my life where I would be running for the hills, terrified
and drinking because it's too much, just too much raw information. I can't process it. But I realized in sobriety, I don't have to process it alone. I have a whole resource, a whole reservoir of people who have experience that they can help walk with me through this. And in turn, I'm able to walk through it with other people. I was able to make amends to my mother. She died in 2001. And over a period of a couple of years, I copied what Sharon B, now Sharon C
did with her dad and, and started paying my mom back the money that I owed her. I paid back my ex wife's credit card money. I paid back the IRS, which is an interesting phone call. If you haven't done that, I certainly certainly encourage you because I found something out about dealing with the IRS and that is that they're actually people there who will talk to you who are not crazy and are not punitive, but who wanted to help. And they help me. They help me get out of my IRS test so I don't have to look over my shoulder. And there was a guy in a a who sat down with me for a year and I had
all these debts piled up. I had, I had a box full of bills. And he sat down with me and he said, here's the letter. Here are the letters you have to write to people, write them by hand, 26 letters I wrote to people about the debt I had and told them I was going to pay them back, but I couldn't pay them the full amount today. And I couldn't pay them the full payment amount today, not even the minimum. But I'll send them $5. And if that's not acceptable, please call me and let me know and we'll make some other arrangements. No one ever called me. I just kept sending the money. And then as I got back on my feet, got a little bit ahead, I started sending the full payments in. And within two or three years, I had most of that debt paid off. And
my mom's debt was something that was nagging at me and my
And then I have amends to make to my father, who had died when I was 2223. And boy, I didn't know what to do with that because my dad, my, I thought my father been so disappointed in me. He'd been a drill instructor in the Marine Corps for eight years. And you can take one look at me and know that my, my athletic days are ahead of me. And I thought my father must have been so disappointed. And my, my mom had had,
I've had moments where I really had trouble getting a connection with God as a higher power.
And one of those reasons was, as I found out in an inventory, was that when I was about 8, my mom had a baby and my mom had two babies before me and they both died at birth. And then she had a baby after me. And that baby died at birth. And, and so I had no idea what kind of grief my mother was in. All I was thinking about was me, of course, but I was only 8 at the time. And, and I asked God to help the baby be safe and help my mom be OK. And the baby died. And I think something in the back of my mind just clicked off as far as God, because if he doesn't answer the prayers of an 8 year old, then what kind of a God do I have? What kind of a God is he if he can't even listen to
year old? Maybe he just listens to the people he likes. And I knew I wasn't ever going to be able to do enough to make him like me. So just forget about him. I just ignore him and maybe he'll ignore me and everything will be OK at the end, you know? And that was my relationship with God. And then I got to the part of my inventory where they said, what was your part in your resentments? I thought my part, you've got to be kidding. What was my part in that resentment? I was eight years old and I asked God for a favor and he didn't answer it. What was my part in that?
And my sponsor said, that's right. I said, well, how could I possibly have a part in that? And he said, because you've been carrying it around for 30 years,
it's time for you to let it go. It's time for you to drop it and start trying to find out about God in a different way. And I just, it stunned me that the information that I was getting from the sponsor. And so I went back to make amends to my dad and my father. You know, I'll tell you a story. He, I got two stories. I'm going to sit down. My father used to make
lunch for me every day and I tell the story all the time. So if you've heard it, you can go back to napping. But he used to make lunch for me every day from about the 7th grade, about the 10th grade. And we didn't have any resources. He had very little education. He worked at McDonnell Douglas for years and and was just a self-taught man. And he he was a laborer and we didn't have a lot of dough. And cool kids at school buy their lunch. Cool kids don't carry a brown bag. And my old man would get up in the morning and he would make me a sandwich and put cookies in a bag and put some chips in the bag and piece of fruit. And he write my name on the bag and
by the front door. Sometimes he ironed me a shirt to wear that my mom had just washed. And he would leave that on a hanger by the door. And I put that shirt on and I grabbed that lunch and I go to school and I crossed the borderline of the school property and I chucked that lunch in the first trash can I could find and just keep moving because. And I would just pretend that I had my lunch at lunchtime because I didn't want people to know that I had to carry my lunch to school because it pissed me off and made me so angry that how can how can you know? It's so embarrassing. It's just embarrassing. I don't need one more piece of information for people to know that I'm a dork and I don't need
And now I got to carry this lunch. It's got my name written on the base in the trash it went. But every time I did that, I felt A twist of a little screw in my gut. And every time I did that, I felt guilty. And so I made amends to my father. I did it just like Clint H Clint Hodges used to talk about making amends to his mom. I did the same thing and made amends to him at his grave. I was 10 years sober at the time. Was that held off and put it off and put it off and put it off. And I walked away from there and nothing, nothing big happened. I didn't have any lights coming from the
But a few months later, I was talking to someone about my dad. I didn't feel guilty inside. I didn't feel like he, I felt like he hadn't been disappointed in me in some way. And so I didn't understand that feeling. I think how would I know that? I went to my mom and I was sitting at her kitchen table and I said, you know, I have a confession to make, if you will. I used to throw my lunch away. Dad would make my lunch every day and I would throw it in the trash every day when I got to school and wouldn't eat it. And I just felt guilt. I feel bad about that,
and she said. I know,
I know you did. And I said, how did, how do you know? I threw my lunch away? And she said, well, your dad told me. I said, how did he, how did he know that I was throwing my lunch away? And she said, well, he'd ask you every, you know, every few months he'd say, how was that? How's the apple I put in your lunch? And I, I said it was great. And it was an orange.
How is a baloney sandwich I put in your lunch? Very cool. It's great. It was peanut butter.
Never made a big deal about it. He just kept making my lunch and putting out. And I said, well, if he knew that I was throwing my lunch away and he continued to make it, why did he do that? And my mom looked at me across the kitchen table and just half smiled. And then I got it. He just did it because it was an act of love.
And I wouldn't have understood that unless I've been an Alcoholics Anonymous and witnessed it in action. And love is not an emotion. It's not some little tingly thing you feel. What love is, is what you experience. Tonight. People put food out, they prepared food, they set up this meeting, they made coffee. There's someone who picked me up at the airport last night at at 10/30, 11:00 at night, which is an inconvenience. But it was purely an act of love. They didn't love me to do it. They love Alcoholics Anonymous and that's one of those actions that you take when you love something or when you love somebody. You'll get out of bed at 3:00
morning and go sit down and talk to him over a cup of coffee because they're scared or because they're afraid they're going to drink or because there's something going on in their life or they're afraid their sobriety is threatened. And you just get up and go do it. It's just an act of love. It has nothing to do with emotion at all. Usually it's inconvenient and usually you're cursing the whole time you're doing it. And then once when it's done, you go. I'm so glad I did that. I feel so different inside for having done it. And my father did that and I, I never got it when he was doing it, you know, and the food is laid out here every single night. The lunch is made right here. And if you don't want to eat it and you want to throw it in the,
that's your choice. But we're not going to stop making it.
We're not going to stop doing it. It's here for you anytime you want it. Two years ago, one of the great fears in my life and one of the things I was most ashamed of was I didn't know how to swim. And in California, that's almost like a mortal sin. And I wouldn't go to the beach. I lived at the beach with my first wife for five years and went to the beach twice, I think, and couldn't go in water. I was terrified of putting my head underwater. And then I had children and my my kids wanted to go to the public pool and we get in the pool. You know, my son at five could already jump in the pool and swim. He's like
water. I thought, oh man, you know, and I'm, man, I'm in the water. I'm sweating, you know. So I'm, I'm with my daughter in the shallow end, 'cause she can't swim yet and she's going, let's put our heads under the water. Oh, no, no, no, no, Daddy doesn't do that. She goes, well, let's just put our faces in the water.
I don't, I don't think we're going to do that. And she said, oh, come on, I'll hold your hands. This kid is she was four at the time. I'll hold your hands. She's a little Blondie. So I go, OK, So I take her little hands and she goes, OK, I'll count to three. One daddy, 2 Daddy, 3 Daddy. And we both put our faces in the water. And I put hold my head up really fast, sputtering and spitting. And she's beaming. She's just happy as could be. You know, we both put our faces in the water. So Fast forward
that summer and the next summer and I'm at a Club Med of AA people and I'm not it's, it's in the Caribbean,
my setting exactly. I keep my clothes on just as a public service. I'm not one of those people that gets out and struts his stuff. And so I'm, I see a writer friend of mine, Annie, who says, how come you're not going in the pool? And I said, I'm just not a pool. I'm not a pool guy. And she goes, can you swim? And I go, I just don't, I'm not really into going in the water. She goes, you can't swim, can you?
I took lessons when I was a kid. She goes, but you can't swim, can you? And I said, no. And she said, well to meet me here at 11:00 and I'll give you your first lesson. How's that? I said, oh God, Annie, I don't know if I can do that. She goes, just come on, go get your swimsuit on and meet me here at 11. It's about 9:30 in the morning. So this is the second day of this trip. It was a week long trip in the Caribbean. So we go to the we get to the edge of the pool and he's got a hold of my hand. She goes, OK, let's say a little prayer. God, please be with Charlie and me while we learn how to swim. Thank you. And we, she says, jump and we jump into the pool. Scare the crap out of me. I mean, we just jump right off the edge of the pool into the water.
And I was, my heart almost stopped beating, you know, And she goes, that's how you get into a pool. You jump in, you don't step into the pool, you don't tiptoe in. You just jump in because your kids are going to want to jump in. OK, OK, OK. First thing you got to learn this week is how to do tea party. You know, your tea party or what is that? She goes, you sit cross legged on the bottom of the pool. And you Panama, I'm drinking tea with your daughter. She's going to want to do that. You have to know how to do that. Second thing is Marco Polo. You got to learn Marco Polo. They're going to want to do that. That's what we're going to learn this week. I thought tea party, you mean sitting cross legged
and the bottom of the pool, like with the water over my head, I'm not going to do that. And she met with me there. We did that lesson. And then she she said, come back at three and we're going to do it again. So I came back at 3. Then the next that night we're at dinner and, and, and this communal dinner dining hall and she's talking to this woman. I walk by and Annie goes, Hey, Charlie, 11:00 tomorrow morning, remember? And the woman she's talking to says, what's going on with you guys at 11:00 And she and Annie goes, I'm giving Charlie swimming lessons this week. And the woman whose name is Laura, she lives in Colorado. She said, isn't that funny? I teach
how to swim in Colorado. That's my job. You mind if I join you? And Annie looks at me and goes, that's God showing off right there. So, so I had Laura and Annie giving me swimming lessons by the end of the week. I could swim the width of the pool, breaststroke with my head underwater. I can do tea party and I can do Marco Polo by the end of that week. They even gave me a little plastic metal, you know, a chip if you will,
as as a reward. And so that about six months later, I take my kids to the pool,
OK, And we get in the pool. My son, he doesn't care what I'm doing. He's on the other side of the pool bobbing around. And my daughter, I got her in the in the shallow and she's just getting ready to swim now. And she goes, she goes, are you going to swim? And I said, I said, watch this, Ready. She goes, OK. So I take a deep breath. I go and sit down cross legged on the bottom of the pool and Bob back up again and look at her and said, guess what? She goes, what? And I said, I learned how to swim this year. And she goes, I know I taught you.
I thought she really thought we put our faces in the water, that she had taught me how to swim and I wasn't going to tell her any differently. I want you to know something tonight. No matter what your fear is about sobriety, no matter what your fear is about your life, no matter what your fear is about the things going on around you,
that pool of water is your fear. And you will never have to go into it without having one of us to hold your hands when you jump off the side. And we'll teach you how to stay in the water and how to stay afloat in this water and how to enjoy the water and enjoy the company and keep coming back. And all we ask is that the next time you try to show somebody else how to stay afloat. I want to thank John again for having me and thanks everybody for listening. Appreciate it.