The Airmont group's 13th anniversary in Airmont, NY

So I would like to introduce Bart and he so graciously came to us from the

Lynbrook Primary Purpose Group out in Nassau County, Long Island. And I'd like to introduce Bart.

Man, it is hot in here.

My name is Barton. I'm recovered alcoholic

and I'm here to speak. What we do here in a A is we have a hope that we can give some hope to somebody who's new or suffering in a A. And if it gets any hotter in here, somebody's going to go home with fear inventory or resentment inventory because I'm have to get naked. It is. It is bad in here.

You're welcome, Bill. Oh, by the way, you know, Bill, you just have that effect on people that they don't hear you when you talk.

It comes from experience.

June 12, 1995. That's my sober date, but I came into a A in 1987 and that's what a lot of my story is about.

Very important to for few people that came up to do some readings and myself, we introduced ourselves as we covered Alcoholics. And I don't know about around here, but in, in Long Island and in Queens where I go to a lot of meetings that cause a little controversy. And it, it, it's not the purpose.

And I find it very important to explain why I do that.

The first reason is because it gives hope. You know, when I first got to AAI felt hopeless. And I spent a long time at a, a feeling hopeless. And people were telling me, you know, that we're in recovery and, you know, I had some surgeries and I had lots of other things. And you know what recovery was painful. You weren't offering me a whole lot of hope

in 1995.

I finally heard through good sponsorship what we read at every meeting and how it works. Those who do not recover or people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. Well, from 87 to 94, that was me. And that's why I couldn't recover in 95. I came in in pretty bad shape and

gave myself to the simple program and as a result of that I recovered. And that

can be for every single person in this room. That's the hope that AA offers.

I certainly don't say it to be controversial and neither does anybody else that I, that I'm, that I know.

Little bit about myself, I guess

my nature is to be very shy. From from 1987 to 1995,

I was around these rooms and I never raised my hand once. People used to offer me $20 sitting next to me, but I'll give you 20 bucks. Just raise your hand and say your name and and I and I couldn't do it today. Where I come from, people give me 100 bucks to shut up.

I won't do that either,

but that's because of the power of God.

That's the only reason I could be up here, not totally intoxicated and speak in front of such a large amount of people. I couldn't even do it in front of one person

before I got a God of my understanding into my life.

I grew up in a neighborhood where it was apartment buildings in Queens. And I would look out my window and I'd see the older guy standing on the corner having a whole lot of fun drinking and getting high. And I wanted to be just like them, you know, I would look out the window and I couldn't wait to be just like them. By 12 years old I was hanging out on the corner with them, trying to be just like them.

And alcohol

worked for me really quick. Um,

by the time I was 16, it was working so well that I became

on pins petitions, which is person in need of supervision. The courts were telling me where I could sleep rather where I should sleep rather than sleeping in a beautiful home that my parents provided. I was sleeping. I was sent to shelters. I was in juvenile detention centers. Spofford

Not the childhood that, you know, a youth should have. And it was all because I love drinking. You know, every place that I went to, every place that my parents sent me to, you know, every psychiatrist and therapist that I went to by my parents demands all told me the same thing. If you just didn't drink, you'd be OK. And I could say to myself in listening to them,

Nope. It's only when I drink that I feel OK. He identified that,

so I stopped listening immediately. You know, anything they had to say after that, I didn't hear.

The last place I went was a place called Hawthorne. I don't think it's too far from here. And I was there for 18 months. And while I was there, they were telling me the same thing that all the other places had told me.

But being there for a long time and having missed so many birthdays and so many holidays and, you know, being locked up so many times, I started to think maybe there really is something to the way that I drink and the way that I behave. And, you know, maybe when I get out of this place, I'm going to start to not drink so much and do the right thing. And none of these places I've ever gone, that I had ever gone to mentioned anything about, you know, alcoholism

or

a, a, or any kind of solution. It was always about behavioral problems. And, you know, I just drank because I was a bad kid and I was never going to grow up to be anything.

Um, and my behavioral problems all came from my desperate desire to drink. You know,

I didn't really get along too well with my parents. My mother was 120 lbs soaking wet. And when I would get arrested, she would come to the precinct and she would say, lock him up, he's an animal. I can't handle him. And you know what? Today I know she had good reasons for that because she was 120 lbs soaking wet. And when I got it in my head that I was going to go out and drink and she'd be standing at the door, I had a sister who died young and she'd be standing at the door saying, I have already lost one child. Please, I don't want to lose another. Don't leave this house.

I would physically pick her up, throw away from the door and I go out and drink and disappear for days on end. Come home a bloody mess or she'd get a call from the precinct to come down.

So that's the kind of child that was because I wanted to drink. You know, alcohol became my master. I didn't like doing any of those things, but I love drinking more than anything.

So when I was in this place for the 18 months, I started to reflect on the way my life was going.

Umm, like I said, I decided that I was going to try to not drink so much and not get into trouble. So I came home from Hawthorne and

I went to school for the first day

and it was called into the Dean's office and the Dean's took out my records and he said,

well, but

we don't want your trouble here. We're going to be watching you. If you know, if you bring any of your trouble here, you're out. And I, I didn't have such a good attitude. So when you tell me that, I just figured, well, I'm out. So I walked out. I walked out of his office and, and I went home and my parents were divorced. And I called my father, who was a successful businessman. And

I asked my father if he would sign me out of school, if he would talk to his mother and my mother, and

if I can come work for him. And he told me he would call his partner and

he would get back to me and he did that. And he told me that he would sign me out of school and that I can come work for him.

So first day of work, I woke up that morning and I felt so good. I felt so proud. I'm going to make my family proud. You know, I'm going to turn my whole life around. I'm going to be a working man. I'm going to do the right thing. It was the week of my birthday. It was a, it was an October morning. It was cold out. And I could, I couldn't wait to go to work and become the successful working man and, you know, really show my family

that I, that I can do this, you know, And I was standing at the bus stop waiting to go to work for the first day. And

a good friend of mine came over and he gave me a little birthday present. He gave me a little bottle of Jack Daniels. And I put it in my coat. And I said, this weekend I'm going to celebrate my birthday. And then I'm a working man. And a few minutes went by and I was getting a little cold and I took a sip and I got on that bus And

alcohol always worked for me when I was nervous

and I was nervous about going to work for the first day. You know, I had moved when I was in fifth grade. I got almost got left back and my parents moved. And even as early as then, when I went to the new school in the new neighborhood, I hit my parents look at cabinet before I would go to school. And I started drinking every day to go to school because it helped my nerves because I was a shy, nervous person. And alcohol worked. It helped me get over my nerves. So I remembered that and I said, you know what, a few

to calm the nerves on the way to work won't hurt. It'll it'll help me. And I finished that bottle on the way and I walked into work for the first time and it made a complete fool of myself and of my father. And that wasn't my intentions. You know, my intentions was to make everybody proud and to be proud. Sometimes you hear in a a about crossing the line or whatever it is. And I don't think that was crossing the line, but that was definitely, for me, the first time in my life

that I know I lost the power of choice whether I pick up a drink or not, that I have the inability to reason my way through picking up the first drink. I had a whole huge amount of reasons to not drink because I knew what could happen to me. And my intention was for that not to happen and to be proud of myself and make my family proud. Yet I got drunk

so that continued for years. Anyway,

I continue to drink like that.

Umm, 19, you know, the stories get a lot worse and one-on-one, you know, anybody wants my phone number or you know, I'll talk all about how much worse it got. But in 1987, which is many years later, I was hanging out at a house in my neighborhood. I was married to my first wife who was another way of me trying to get sober.

I didn't meet her in a detox, but she was a detox nurse and I figured this would work.

Tax nurse and she was 10 years older than me. She had a son that was 10 years younger than me. And you know, grounds of coverage, you know, I'll be a family man to detox. Nurse didn't work.

Marriage was very short. I ended up hanging out with her ex-husband and all of his friends in a bar not too far down the street from where we were living. And she wasn't allowed in that bar because that's the way I drank. And yet they were the people that she grew up, she grew up with. But if she opened the bar door and I saw her, I said, what the hell are you doing here? Get out.

We also hung out in a house that had some bad nicknames. We all own motorcycles. None of them ever left the garages and

and they like to come collect our empties.

And

one of the brothers, there were four brothers that own the house. Two of them were home at the time living in the house. And one of the brothers was all of a sudden showing up at the house and he was going into the garage and he was coming over with some new friends. They were getting on the bikes and, and taking off. And one morning I went over and said, you know, Warren, where you been going? And he said, well, I hooked up with a bunch of guys and I really couldn't do this anymore. And I've been going to a a meetings. That's nice,

you know, and and I walked away, but every once in a while and I loved Warren. He was a great guy. And every time it was his house. So I saw him every day because I was there getting drunk every day. So every once in a while I go over and talk with him. And

one morning I woke up and instead of going to the house, I called Warren and I said I can't do this anymore. You know, I was ready to blow my brains out.

And I asked him where there was a meeting and he told me exactly where there was a meeting. He said, I can't go to a meeting tonight. But when you get there, there'll be some people there. They'll know that you knew and they'll make you feel real comfortable. And and I didn't know what to do with myself the whole day. And I showed up a complete mess, full of fear and pain. And I mean,

you know what it's like day one, right? And I got the meeting was in a school and I got there real early. And I just kept walking around and around the block of the school and didn't know how to get into the meeting. And I'm just walking around around pacing, trying to decide, do I really want to do this? And of course, no, I'm going to go back to the car and then I'll go back to The Walking around the school. And a guy came over to me and he said, are you looking for the a, a meeting? And I said, yeah, I am. And he said, come with me. I'm opening it up.

So I walked in with him and followed him and we walked through the school and we went into a classroom where the meeting was. And he started putting up some shades and, you know, taking all this stuff up. And, you know, I was just watching all of this stuff going on. I had no idea. And I sat in a chair and he walked over to me and he handed me this little blue card and he said, you want to read this? And I said sure. So I sat there and I started reading it and and people started coming in to the meeting and now I started really reading it because I couldn't look at anybody. So thank God

me to read this thing. And I just kept focusing on the card and reading it and the meeting started getting more and more full. And then he opened up the meeting. The same guy opened up the meeting and he said to read the blue card we have bought. And my heart jumped out on my toes. I had no idea he meant read it out loud.

And I spent what felt like the five hours, but was probably no more than 5 minutes trying to figure out how the hell am I going to get out of this room. And nobody ever seen me. And again in a A because if you got to read stuff out loud, this shit ain't for me. And I walked out of the room and I got lost in the school and I swore I was going to jail for trespassing because I was a mess. And they weren't going to believe that, you know, I was in the a, A meeting, that's for sure.

And

I found my way back to where the meeting was and I leaned outside the hallway and I figured when you guys leave, I'll just follow you out and I'll go get drunk and forget all about my horrible a a experience and go drink myself to death. And you guys surrounded me and you kidnapped me back to the diner 'cause that's what you guys do. And I had 1000 reasons why I couldn't thousand things I had to do why I couldn't go to the diner and you wouldn't buy one of them.

And I met a whole lot of good friends, a whole lot of good friends. And and I hung around these meetings, you know, and I couldn't stay sober for a while. And you guys loved me anyway and called me up and said, we're going to the movies. You want to go to the movies, We're going to a meeting. And I stood outside the meeting most of the time and smoked cigarettes and made fun of everybody in the meetings. People would say, why don't you go down to the meeting and, you know, share what's going on with you. And I would say my problems are none of their business and I really could care less about any of theirs. And when I would go into a meeting,

like I said, people would offer me money just to raise my hand, say my name, and I wouldn't do it.

And eventually I stayed sober for a while and sometime in 94

day, not a cloud on the horizon, the end of a perfect day. And the thought of a drink sounded like a damn good idea. And that lasted for about 6 months. But it wasn't a daily thing. It was that pacing back and forth. I was living in a basement apartment wearing the rug out. And how should I go do this today? Or shouldn't I? You know the pain would get so great. You know the obsession was on. And I couldn't shut the paint off only but one way

go pick up. And so that's what I would do.

And

one night,

doing the same thing that I was doing, I was in a neighborhood I really had no business being in, causing some chaos and

getting into a horrible argument with some people I certainly had no business arguing with. And I was lucky they didn't cut me up and put me in a dumpster. And in this complete rage of anger, I ended up back in a meeting with you guys. And I don't remember what going from point A to point B, but I got to this meeting. There was a whole bunch of young people there. Thanks. And

they were happy, joyous and free. And they were just, I mean, they had a Friday night meeting and I was going to the Friday night meeting with them and

they were going into the city and going to clubs and

they were doing this, I don't know, some kind of slam dancing. And there's all kinds of, they were just having a blast. And, you know, there were girls in little mini skirts walking around offering these fancy shots and stuff. And, and I was, they were having fun and I was miserable and uncomfortable the time that I was dry. I couldn't go to those places, you know,

if I went, I love music. I mean, music is my passion. And if I went to a club, most of the bands that I listened to that used to play, like Madison Square Garden play like

Pause now. And if I went to one of these bars and I took somebody with me, I ruined your night. Because it wasn't long before I said, you know what, I'm really uncomfortable. I got to get out of here. And these people are going, these young people are going to these clubs and having a blast. And, you know, of course, I figure, well, they're just not as alcoholic as I am. And because I can't do this, I don't belong in here. And I'm not a Lion team, but I don't belong in the Lions den, You know, You ever hear that one? And

one of the guys was celebrating his one year, his one year anniversary one night. And I went to the meeting with him and I was sitting next to him and his sponsor was speaking for him.

His sponsor was an older gentleman in full of spunk and was absolutely hysterical, you know, rolling around on the floor talking about what it was like and like how he was stretching out for the phone to dial 911 and just, you know, really had my attention. He was, he was a comedian, you know, and all of a sudden he switched his talk.

So about being recovered and being happy, joyous and free and going or anybody else can go without danger. And, you know,

talking about the power of God and justice, how wonderful it is to be a grateful recovered alcoholic. And, you know, and these people are like, starting to smile. And I'm starting to crack my knuckles and get really agitated. And I turned around to my buddy Audie, and I said, I just sponsor speaking up there tonight, right? And he said, yeah, why? And I said, tonight, I think you should find a new one. And he went, why? And I said I'm going to kill him.

And I meant it.

He was really pissing me off. I knew you couldn't be that happy and be an alcoholic, not drink. And Audie looked me dead in the eyes and he's with a big smile on his face. He said, I'm sure he'd love to talk to you.

And he worked not too far from the meeting. The guy had a store and he sold like recovery coins and books. And, you know, he had the perfect setup for drunks coming in off the street into his store. And so I went to his store the next morning to kill him.

And he was actually standing that far from the front door and he saw me coming. And he went walked around behind the counter, and

he started to talk to me about himself. And every time I stepped near him, he'd step back. But he would talk more about himself. And he spent about two hours talking about himself. After about two hours, I guess he won my confidence because I finally said, all right, Eric, what do I got to do?

How could I have this life that you were talking about last night? And these people that I just met are talking about and and I see living. And he said, just

follow the directions in the big book, read the 1st 164 pages and practice it as a design for life for the rest of your life and it'll be yours. And I looked at him and I with complete despair and I said, well,

5th grade was as far as I went and

I've never read a book in my life, so, you know, thanks anyway. And he grabbed me at the shoulders and he said, not so fast, but I'll tell you what. So he wasn't scared of me anymore because he knew he had me. And he said, not so fast, but I'll tell you what, we'll read it together.

So when you identify to some things, we're going to talk about him. You know, maybe there's probably some things in the beginning that book that you're really going to relate to. If you're honest,

he says, then we're going to get to a part of the book you're going to have no clue about. And the only stupid question is the one that you don't ask. So just be willing to ask questions and practice what it talks about. And I was willing to do that. And, you know, we read that doctor's opinion, and it made a whole lot of sense to me. And I had a whole lot of relief. You know, I finally understood what you meant. Don't pick up the first drink and you won't get drunk.

Made sense, but I knew that for years. Really. In my head,

you know,

first time that I was away for a long time, I knew in my head I began to know when I did those 18 months in Hawthorne and I didn't want to drink anymore. I knew in my head alcohol was a problem and I couldn't stay sober for a long time.

1987 I knew it in my heart. That's why I finally came to AA

when we got to more about alcoholism and it talked about the alcoholic mind, the inability to play back the old tapes, you know, the sudden lease, the the inability to reason that the insane idea wins out, that the problem centers in the mind, not the body. That's when I admitted it to my innermost self in my gut that I was a real alcoholic, that there was nothing that I could do with my own power to stay sober, my own history and that book

that to me, and I was willing to do anything. And I didn't believe in God at all.

You know, if I couldn't see it, touch it, feel any of the five senses

ain't happening, you know, and I would argue until you just gave up and said, all right, you're right, you know, with anything. So that was my opinion of God. But I believe that he believed and I believe that's the people that I was meeting believed. So based on that, I was willing to move forward and make the most important decision that we make in a a, in life in general, to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understand him.

And that was simple for me. I don't,

you know, he actually asked me if I had some kind of an idea, if there was a God, what would God be? And I wanted to give him a really intelligent answer. So I told them love. So he kind of looked at me and he said, well, you separated from your wife, you're living with this little Brazilian girl 10 years younger than you. You're flirting around in a a.

What's your conception of love? I think you should leave that alone.

And he was right. You know, I couldn't even say God was loved because my conception of love was pretty what? So I really had to start from zero. And but that's where I started. That was my third step. God, as I understand them, is I don't.

But that third step also asked us to make a really important decision that if God works for us,

will we allow God to work through us to bear witness of God's love, power, and way of life. And I looked at him. I said, if there's really a God and he works for me, you bet I'll tell everybody and I'll show them. And that's the decision that we make. And I and I made that decision and you handed me a pen and I wrote that inventory and I shared it with them. And

I was

gut wrenching, honest, and you know, wasn't very difficult. I knew I was a liar, a cheater, a thief, you know, an alcoholic, a junkie. I mean, I anything you name that was bad, I was it anyway. So what am I going to find out that's bad? You know what? I wrote that inventory and I shared it with them. And I didn't find out who I was, but I really found out who I wasn't and who God is,

you know, through writing that inventory and sharing it with them. And I went home. He told me where he was going to be, if there was anything that I didn't discuss with him. And I went home and I

reviewed everything that I did, did that 6th and 7th step prayer, made that list and started going out and making all those amends. And the men's experiences that I had were all amazing. I mean, some people told me to stay out of their lives like that detox nurse. I still have not seen this. She could be in this room tonight and I would not recognize her. And I'm always willing to make an amends. But her son I did meet in the bank one night, one day online, you know, and got to make an amends with him and saw him many

after that and got to share stories with him. And he made it clear my mom just doesn't want to see you. And that's the amends,

pretty much as far as I know, I made all the amends. And while I was making the amends, I learned how to practice pausing when a agitated or doubtful and asking God for the right thought of direction or anything else. When I'm full of fear, when I'm, when I'm catching resentment, any feeling that pops up in my life through as I go out through the day, as long as I can pause and ask God for help, the right thought of direction, my day goes pretty good.

Don't do it perfectly all the time, you know, sometimes I forget to pause and ask God. And that's why at night I review my day. That's what we do here.

I see where I messed up and ask God to help me in the morning to plan my day and to correct possibly what I did the day before.

I I was a little less than three months sober and my sponsor came back to that Utopia Home group and

he had never after he spoke for the anniversary, really, that wasn't his group and he never went. But one night he said, I'm going to go over to your Home group with you tonight and you went with me and sitting next to me and. Speaker She had his experience, strength and hope for about 1520 minutes. And there was a rehab that came into our meeting every Friday night from Creedmoor. And first guy to raise his hand and share was about, I don't know, 6 foot 4:00 or so

bald, no teeth, totally tattooed,

really angry. And all he had to share was I can't stand all the years. I want to kill you all. You're all full of shit. I don't want to be here. I'm here because I'm mandated to the court and this stupid rehab is making me come to this meeting. And just full of piss and vinegar. I mean, he was just so angry. And my sponsor looked at me and he said after the meeting, I want you to go over to that guy

and win his confidence. And I looked at him and I said, are you nuts?

And it wasn't because what he looked like. I wasn't scared of him. What the hell do I got to offer?

And that's what I said to him. I said, what do I got to offer? This guy doesn't even want to be here. And he opened up to a vision for you where it talks about being one man with this book in your hand, and you just tapped into a power greater than yourself. So after that meeting, you know what hadn't failed yet? I haven't thought of picking up a drink. I was actually smiling in meetings.

What do I got to lose? It's working so far. So I went over to that guy and guess what? I won his confidence. And it's funny because part of what got me here tonight to speak at this meeting, you know, I still laugh at it because it's still real funny to me just in general that I can meet somebody from another town and like where I live and they can invite me to that town because there were times where they didn't want me in my town, no less your town. But I was speaking at a meeting when

afternoon and I was speaking and Frank was working in a meeting and and he heard me share and I gave him my phone number. And I guess it's a couple years ago. I think I'm bad with time. Brain cells don't come back and that's not one of the promises. But we get to learn how to use what we got because we become God conscious. So that's better than brains.

But he held on to my number and he called me to get me up here.

But he knew this kid Gene, so that was pretty wild.

Umm so I won genes confidence that night and I, I went to the Creedmoor rehab in the afternoons a few days a week and talked with them and, you know, and I took them through the book and, you know, same way that I was, I talked to him about the steps and I watched him recover. I watched him, you know, he had a son in foster care and his wife was still out there on the streets and some other state and, and I watched Gene become a sober man and get this kid out of

care. And I knew that this is something I can't miss for the rest of my life. This is something that God wants us to do forever to recover and help and watch this happen. And that's what we get to do here. We get not only to be recovered, but more important than that, we get to watch other people. I didn't see myself really recover, but I get to see every day people come in so hopeless

and just grow and get their families back. And you know, it's, it's absolutely amazing. I mean, what? What's offered here is so much more

than staying sober. As a matter of fact, it never even mentions anything about staying sober because there really is no cure for alcoholism. You know, I'm still an alcoholic and I put a drink in me. I'm screwed. My alcoholism is not cured, but as a result of being spiritually awake, I haven't thought of picking up a drink. Thank God, you know, that's what happens. You can't do anything about the alcoholism, but you could do something about the spirit. And when the spirit is healthy,

we don't even think of picking up a drink. And that's what this is really all about.

Umm and my heroes are different today. You know, when I was 10-11 years old, when I was 12 years old and finally joined those guys that was sitting outside and, and drinking, you know, those were my heroes. Today my heroes are my sponsor, Eric, who you know, when, when he took me through the steps a few years later, he ended up getting really sick. And

man, you guys are ugly.

Why'd you turn the lights on?

Program honesty right now, kid.

I forgot where I was. Oh, yeah, Eric, Thank you.

Eric got real sick, and he was on kidney dialysis three times a week. He got diabetes, and he was starting to lose parts of his feet. You know, they were cutting off parts of his feet. And he ended up being bedridden in the hospital bed and at a friend's house. And you know what, To the day he went into a coma, people were still going into that house and he was still reading that book to people.

Um, my current grand sponsor who passed, you know, Don P, who carried this message to the day he died. And he was asked to speak in front of a whole lot of people, knowing that he probably wasn't going to make it through the night, that he was on his last breaths. And he went and spoke anyway. Now, those men had passion for this program. And that's the passion that I never, ever want to lose.

To watch God work in my life, to be, to be totally awake,

you know, to know what's going on and why. To look at the good things instead of the bad things that are going on in life. You know, it was very difficult for me to come here tonight and speak.

Yesterday about 4:00, my father called me, who lives in Florida, to tell me that he had four months to live. He's got pancreatitis, cancer, and

I live in Long Beach. So I went down. No, I have to spend some time. My fiance, Tara, I went down to the ocean, do some praying and just thinking and I got back and I got to have that time. And then I got back into my car and I started to question myself. I'm also a very active member in Cocaine Anonymous and I run a big book study. And last night we were up to the 10 step and I was really not too sure. Can I do this?

And I decided, you know what, yeah, I got to do this. And now I'm driving to the meeting and just trying to get scented in. My phone rings

and when my phone rings and then, you know, like like five or six sponses called while I was on the way there to ask me about, you know, what should they do with about this step Or, you know, I didn't say a word to them about what was going on with me. And tomorrow afternoon I'm speaking at another group anniversary and I have so many commitments coming up. And you know what?

I do my best Praying and meditating. Although sometimes, you know, I do sit in quiet

when I'm moving, you know, I do a lot of that kind of praying and I need, I need to be moving. And you know what? God knows that and he's got me moving, you know, and that's what this is all about, the whole big picture, you know, So I'm not angry at God. He knows exactly what he's doing and I trust in that.

You know, I put my father through a hell of a lot and I made my men's to him. I actually made my amends to him and my mother, my mother had passed in my first year sobriety and I didn't get to make that amend. She died a week before I was going to make it. And so it's very important, you know, always people go so make those amends quick because you regret it. And I got to make the amends to my mother through my father. And and that was a talk. And you know what, he's very proud of what has happened to me

and the life that I Live Today. But you know what, Tara and I and my stepdaughter and my daughter, you know, we're all going to hopefully have my father come live with us so that I could spend some quality time with him. You know, so I get to actually be a son that I never was, you know, because, I mean, I put this man through hell. So, you know, God is good,

There's no doubt about it. Thank you.