The Chippewa Valley roundup in Eau Claire Wisconson

I'm Frank Jones. I'm an alcoholic. I want to thank Bruce and the committee for allowing me to come here and participate this weekend and, it's an honor and a privilege and, I've had a great time here and met a lot of good people. You bet I have. And, I like your banners up here and, with the circle and the triangle on it and and, and the valley up there on those.

That's whoever come up with that idea, that's pretty slick. And it looks good. And, I've had a great time until they drug me around this afternoon to where Clancy was born. That was just a pain in the butt. And I told him when I came out here, I really don't care where you were born, Clancy.

It's just not a big deal to me. And, he said, well, you're going anyway. And we went there today and into the college where, he got in trouble out there, broke in with another young lady there. And I didn't wanna go there either, but I did. And, and now the dirt, that's just great.

Am I a make out artist or what? But, I am. I'm very, honored to be here. And I gotta tell you that I'm just an alcoholic. I don't go to any other 12 Step programs.

I don't go to Narcotics Anonymous, Sex Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous. I don't go any of those anonymous. My sponsor told me if I can't work our 12 steps, I can't work any of theirs because they got their 12 steps from us. And so I'm just an alcoholic. I've never smoked marijuana cigarette.

I've never shot heroin, snorted coke, taken pills, bennies, uppers, downers, nothing. Because it doesn't take any talent to be a dope fiend. And, so I'm just an alcoholic. I'm not a speaker that's gonna stand up here and tell you that I'm searching for an inner child to nourish. Because if I ever find that little SOB, I'll choke him unconscious.

Because I've been trying to be a mature adult for over 57 years now, and I have no success at all. My entire life has been a childhood. So I'm just not looking for anything else. I have no reason for being an alcoholic. My mom and dad never held a gun to my head and said, Frank, we want you to drink and make an ass out of yourself, or we'll kill you.

So I can't blame my parents for me being an alcoholic. I can't blame my, my brothers. I can't blame my wives, my kids, the jobs I've had, the places I've been. I can't blame anything for me being an alcoholic but me. I drank like a pig and when I didn't drink, I acted like a pig.

And that's the bottom line. I was born down the road here in Danville, Illinois. I was born into a great family. Mom and Dad were married to each other for 50 years. They didn't drink.

Well, they drink now and then but they they weren't alcoholic. They were married, like I said, for 50 years to each other and they provided me a good home to grow up in. I knew right from wrong. And I had 2 brothers and dad worked on the railroad. Mom took care of the house and everything and us guys and all the neighborhood kids.

And I had a great childhood growing up. I did everything that kids in the Midwest wanna do. I played Little League Baseball, Pony League. I played sports in high school. I I run track.

I played basketball and football. I won 9 varsity letters. And, I had offers to go to college and they were willing to pay my way to college if I played basketball for them. And and that's not why I'm an alcoholic. And, also growing up, I had this other thing.

I wanted to be a macho guy. And, I know you guys here in Eau Claire don't worry about that. But I grew up wanting to be macho. And, I mean, check me out. I looked like mister Peepers, and I hated that.

Tall, skinny, bad teeth, thick glasses, and I just hated that growing up. And so after ball practice, I'd go down to Main Street and hang out with, back then, they called juvenile delinquents. And these guys all had ducktail haircuts, long sideburns. They wore black leather jackets with zippers and doodads on them and they carried bicycle chains, switchblade knives and zip guns. And these were bad dudes and it was adrenaline rush for somebody like me because I was afraid of the dark and I couldn't tell anybody about that.

I was ashamed of that. And I know none of you guys were afraid of the dark, but I was. I was a sissy and, I hated that feeling of being a wuss and a wimp and, so I'd hang out with these guys on Main Street and we'd have rumbles back then. And that's that's 40 or 50 guys out in the parking lot beating hell out of each other with clubs and chains. And, when you guys did that and I was allowed to I felt macho and I felt a part of.

And I'd watch you guys beat these guys up with clubs or chains or whatever. And you go on to the next guy and it didn't bother you. And I'd hit somebody upside the head with a brick or club, and I'd feel sorry for them. And I'd go home and worry about if they were hurt. And I'd I don't make you feel macho.

And so that's how it was for me growing up. And, I didn't analyze any of this growing up and stuff. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and I did that inventory to 4 Step and I read it to my sponsor, defects of character and shortcomings. And I found out some other things about my childhood. I didn't I didn't analyze it or take notes on it, but I grew up being a thief and I didn't you know, everybody stole.

You know, it's just it's easier to steal something than it is to stand in line and pay for it. And if you leave the store, you got the item in your pocket and your money, you're a double winner. I love that idea. And, so I stole all the time and I'd give stuff to people so they'd like me. And then I lied all the time because it's easier to be a liar than it is to tell the truth.

When you tell the truth, the truth is just out there. And when you're a liar, you can be anything you wanna be. And I've been everything from a truck driver to an airline pilot to a gynecologist. I didn't even graduate high school, for Christ's sakes. I've done it all in the bars, baby.

And so I just lied so I could be anything I wanted to be, and then I cheated because I never wanted to work hard and earn anything. It's just easier to cheat and get by, and I picked that up naturally. And so that's the way I was growing up. And that's not why I'm an alcoholic. But that's that's the way it was for me growing up in Illinois.

And, the first time that I ever drank, I was at a party in Danville. It was a hot summer night back there and my girlfriend, brought me over this big iced tea glass full of slow gin with some 7 Up in it. And it was red and it had ice in it and it it looked like strawberry Kool Aid. And so I took a little drink of it and it tastes like strawberry Kool Aid and that was my drink of choice. Slow gin and 7 up down.

I didn't know what slow gin was. And I know you hear a lot of men speakers and alcoholics anonymous stand up here and tell you that when they took that first drink, it went down into their stomachs and out the tip of their fingers and the tip of their hair. And they all got 6 feet 4, £240, and their pimples fell off. And that didn't happen to me. I just drank that glass down and said, get me another one.

She brought me another one over. And, I drank that glass of Slow Gen and 7 Up Down. You know, I didn't get a bottle of wine, throw it in a paper bag, and put on a wrinkled trench coat, and head down to skid row. I didn't plan on being an alcoholic. I didn't talk to my school counselors about it.

Hey. What do you gotta do to be an alcoholic and speak in Eau Claire? You know, I didn't do that in high school. And and, I'll tell you. I was drinking for one reason and one reason only that night.

And it wasn't for the taste of the alcohol. It wasn't for what alcohol was doing to me or for me. That party, all my buddies were drinking. And they were having a great time. They were laughing and dancing, hugging and munching their girlfriends over in a corner.

And I'm hung up on the front wall being macho because I don't want to ask anybody to dance. They're going to say no and I don't want to talk to you. You're going to think I'm stupid. Like, I don't know how to make small talk. And so I thought if I drank like you guys, I could have the fun you guys were having.

That's the only reason I drank that night. And I drank almost a gallon of slow gin in about 30 minutes. It was no big deal. I didn't get knee walking, commode hugging, puking on your dress shoes drunk. But about 20 minutes after I drank that last glass of slow gin and 7 Up, I found out where slow gin got its name.

I got drunk as hell. I went into a blackout. I got taken home that night. I passed out. And the next morning when I come to, I'm puking red stuff up all over the bedroom.

I thought it was blood. I was sicker than a dog. I had a terrible headache. My head was throbbing. I couldn't open my eyes because the light hurt my eyes and I was just sick.

And there was something else funny about that morning. I couldn't remember how I got home that night. Now I don't know if you drank in blackouts or not. It's none of my business. But some of you most of you wouldn't be married to who you're married to.

But that I didn't mean to say that. I just I apologize. Sometimes Cliff has brought out the worst in me today and, so I didn't mean to say that. And, but I didn't know what a blackout was. And I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and the old timers told me that a blackout is when I consume alcohol.

I'll go on and do whatever it is I'm doing that night, but the next morning, I will have amnesia about parts of that night. And I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that blackouts are an indication you got a problem drinking. Normal drinkers don't have blackouts.

I didn't know that. I thought everybody that drank experienced what I experienced. And I look over my drinking and I can see that that that I had blackouts from that first day and I drink and then my wife or my girlfriend and I would go to a party or a movie or something and the next morning I'd come to and they'd be telling me about the party or the movie when we went to see and I have no recollection of it. And I stand there and look at them like they got 2 heads. And then I'd go in a bar and I'd be in a bar drinking later on.

I'd get ready to leave. I'd walk out. My car's gone. How do you lose a £4,000 automobile? And I go back in and I call the police.

The police show up and the bar clears out and I walk out with the police and my car is parked right there. I said, well, I guess they brought my car back. I don't know. But that's a blackout. That's an indication I had a problem drinking.

And at the end of my drinking, I'd wake up in these dark places and I'm in bed. I don't know where in the hell I'm at, and there's something in bed with me. I don't know where I got this thing at, and the hair's all matted down on it. I don't know what this is. It should have been tagged by the humane society.

I know that. You have to get up and sneak out of that room and I gotta get the hell out of here because this will hurt me if it comes to. And, you know, those are blackouts and those are indications I had a problem drinking from the very first time I drank till I come to Alcoholics Anonymous. And, I missed 3 days of school with a terrible hangover and being sick and I went back to school and the guys told me about that night. And they told me I was laughing and dancing and funny and and that everything was cool and I had a good time and they said said some guy said something and I punched his ticket and we had to pay for the screen door so we had to collect up money.

And when these guys told me about that, what I felt when they told me that is I felt a part of those guys. I felt like I'd had a good time at that party and we got along and I thought it was great. I didn't remember But from what they told me, I had a good time. And the other thing I got out of that was from that day to the night, I don't drink 7 Up anymore. That stuff will make you throw up red stuff and forget everything.

I can't chance that. And so I don't drink 7 Up. I blamed it on the 7 Up. And and, you know, I didn't turn into a blazing alcoholic after that and drink in study hall or get the shakes when I didn't drink. I drank when I could get it.

And when it was accessible to me, I drank. And when I drank, I got drunk. When I got drunk, I'm a fighter because I'm afraid and I don't want you to know about that fear. And the only way to keep you away from me is to be macho and to be a fighter. And so I started getting in trouble fighting.

And then you dare me to do something then I'm gonna go do it because when you're drunk and you're young and you're stupid, you do things that people dare you to do and that's what I did and I got in trouble. And so that's how it was. And, then about 2 weeks before graduation from high school, I had this scholarship to play basketball at this university. And, I don't know about you but I got a committee in my head. And my committee talks to me all the time and and these guys convened in my head and they started telling me, What if you don't make the basketball team in college?

What if you don't get grades good enough to stay on that team? Well, that scared me. Now I don't know what you do with fear. I don't know how fear affects you. But I can't go to college and look bad in front of all those adults up there.

And that scared me. And I don't want to go to college and look bad. And so I made a keen alcoholic decision. I quit high school. Made sense to me.

It just you can't go to college on a scholarship if you quit high school, and so I quit. And, about 2 weeks later, I made another keen alcoholic decision. I joined the Marine Corps. If you're a wimp and a wussy and afraid of the dark, going into Marine Corps is a bad deal. I should have went in the Army.

I didn't know that. I just didn't know that at the time. I found that out in sobriety. I didn't know that then. But I went in the Marine Corps.

And I'm sitting on a train getting ready to shoot up to Chicago to get sworn in. And I'm home sick and I'm lonely and I miss mom and dad and the wheels of the train ain't even moved yet. I'm 17 year old and I'm sitting next to a guy in a black leather jacket with a ducktail haircut and long sideburns and he's drinking out of this little brown bottle. And, I wanna hang with this guy in Chicago because I'm full of fear. I'm going to the big city.

And, so this guy says, hey. Do you want a drink of this stuff? And I look. I said, yeah. I'll take a drink of that because I want to be cool.

I want to be macho. And I took that and I turned it up and I chugged like 3 or 4 big mouthfuls of that stuff. And it was whiskey. Now I don't know how you drink whiskey at the age of 17, but I can tell you what I did. I sprayed that crap all over the seats in front of me.

And I had tears coming out my eyes. I had whiskey and snot running out my nose. I couldn't breathe. This guy is looking at me funny and I gotta hang in and alcoholics are quick. And so I wiped off my face and I hand him the bottle and I said that stuff was pretty good.

And I just wanted to fit in with him. And he said, you want another drink? And I said, not right now. I can't breathe. And that's just how it was.

And I got sworn in at, Chicago and they sent me down to Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego and I went through boot camp scared. I went through boot camp homesick. And I can't tell those other guys in boot camp about it. They're all older than me. They're 19, 20 year old and they're men and and I don't want them to know what a wimp I am.

And, so I put that facade out there and I acted like what I thought a man should act like. And I struggled and got through boot camp. And Pendlin in the infantry. And in 1962 October, the Cuban crisis broke out. And we shot down the coast and went through the canal.

Deal and I was scared to death because we're going to war and so I'm frightened and stuff and then we go back through the canal when that's over and then they sent me to the Far East for 13 months. Unpack our gear and the guy said, hey, Frank. We're going out and get drunk. Do you want to go with us? And the guys had asked me to go out with them and I wanted to be a part of and I felt macho and I said, Yeah.

I'll go out with you. I shot out in a ville with these guys and they bought a Typhoon 5th of Sacchi and it it holds about 2 gallons. Big bottle. Cost 75¢ back then. About a 140 proof and it tastes like Clorox.

And they're passing this bottle around and they're drinking it and they're slapping each other on the back doing this male bonding ritual that guys do and, being macho. And the bottle got to me, and I turned it up, and I chugged out 4 or 5 big mouthfuls of that stuff. Age of 17, but I sprayed that crap all over their shoes. And I had sake running out my nose. I couldn't breathe.

And they're laughing and pointing at me. And and I hate that when people make fun and I feel like a wimp. And, that bottle come around again and I turn it up and I chugged out some more of it and I puked it back up and, I learned something that night, that if you're gonna be an alcoholic, you can't let looking bad bother you. You gotta just you gotta hang in, really. You know, you gotta just hang in and, we all hung in, didn't we?

And, you know, the bottle come back around. And I drank enough of that sake that something funny happened. And I don't know what alcohol did for you when you drank it, but I'll tell you what alcohol did for me. When I held enough of that sake down, I looked at those 5 or 6 marines I was drinking with and I realized something. Those guys are punks.

I don't know why I'm hanging out with them. I'm too cool for these guys. That's all when I shot out and left those guys. And I went out drinking on my own. I'm in a bar drinking, shooting pool with another marine and he said something evidently I took offense to because I hit him in the face with a pool cue and it looked cool in the movies, but he's laying there bleeding.

And I don't know how many of you have been arrested. Well, I can see most of yous have. So you know that feeling of fear you get when you know you're going to jail or the brig. And so I got scared and I run out of that bar because they're calling the MPs. And I run down to the alleys in Anoka and I went in another bar and I sit up there at the bar and I started drinking, shooting it with beer and something funny happened.

The more I drank, that fear went away. I wasn't afraid of going to the brig anymore and I didn't care about the consequences of hitting that guy. And so then I started to brag about hitting him with a pool cue with the marines sitting next to me. And that's stupid. Now he's gonna go tell the MPs.

And so I'm sitting there and I'm drinking and I'm macho now because I just hit that guy with a pool cue and I looked down at the end of the bar. There's a Nissan sitting down there and I'm a sucker for a pretty face. Women have been able to take me for everything I've got all my life. And asked me to buy her a drink and, of course, I did because I'm a nice guy. So I bought her a drink and then she started telling me about her sick mom that needed surgery.

And man, it just broke my heart. So I gave her some more money and her and I trudged the road of happy destiny to her hooch. And I'd like to stand up here tonight and tell you that we had such a great time and I was so dynamic, she probably still remembers it to this day. It was over too quick for me to remember it. And, you know, she split the cleanup.

And when she did that, it hurt my feelings and my little macho ego. And I was a little upset about it and embarrassed. And so I stole my money out of her headboard and set her house on fire. I mean, it just made sense to me at the time. I I don't know why I did that.

That's just the way it was. And I went back to the base and I passed out and I come to it revelly the next morning and, I couldn't remember anything that had happened that night. And I'm in the head throwing up and I got a terrible hangover. My head's banging and I'm puking and my stomach's upset and the guys are telling me the MPs are looking for who had hit that guy with a pool. And that fear come back and that anxiety come back.

Now I know I'm in trouble again. Now I know I'm going to the brig. And then they tell me about a fire and a villain. Now when they told me about that, I was embarrassed. You see embarrassed.

You see, my father hadn't raised me to act that way. My father hadn't raised me to treat women that way. And I didn't know why that had happened that night or where that had come from. And I was ashamed of that. And And I didn't know how I was gonna make that up.

And I really got scared, but I found out an answer that morning in in Okinawa. I opened up my locker and there's a bottle in there with a big red dot on it and that was Akadama wine. And I took that bottle of wine down that morning and screwed the cap and chugged like 4 or 5 big mouthfuls of it put the fire out. And something funny happened. I didn't puke it back up.

So I drank a little bit more of that sweet wine and went out the formation. And by the time that formation was over and I come back in the barracks, something funny had happened. My headache was gone. I didn't have a headache no more. My stomach had settled down.

I wasn't throwing up no more. Now I don't know what that tells you. But what that told me was if I drink in the morning, I don't have to be sick. I don't have to have a hangover. I went right straight back to that locker, got that bottle out and drank some more of that wine.

About 20 minutes later, I started to brag about hitting that guy with a pool cue. I started to brag about setting that woman's house on fire. You see, when I drank, I didn't care about consequences. When I drank, I didn't feel guilt. When I drank, I didn't feel shame or care about what I did to you or if I walked through your life or their life.

I had no consequences when I drank. I became bulletproof and invisible. And that morning, I became a daily drinker and a morning drinker. At the age of 17, that's what I was doing. All my money went on booze and the women in the bars.

And I became a bar fighter. And I'm too light to fight. I'm too thin to win. I developed the technique of ambush. Somebody would say something, I'd hit them with an ashtray or a bottle of beer from behind.

And, what happened was I'd make a strike and they'd take it away from me. And then they'd restrict me to my base. And then I'd go out and get in a fight in the villa and then they'd restrict me to the barracks. And if you'd walked up to me over and said, you know, Frank, every time you drink, you get in trouble. Maybe you had to quit drinking or cut back.

I could have give you reasons why that's not true. You see, I don't know about you, but when I drank, if that guy in that bar hadn't said that to me, I wouldn't hit him in the mouth with a bottle of beer. So it ain't my fault. It's his fault. He needs to learn to shut up and not talk to me that way.

And then if the duty NCO hadn't have told me to shut up and hit the rack, I wouldn't have smacked him. And so it ain't my fault. It's the duty NCO's fault. He needs to learn how to talk to other people. And all my life, I blamed everybody for my problems.

I blamed the Marine Corps, my wife, the kids, the job, the boss, the police department, the highway patrol. I blamed everybody for all my problems. It was never my fault. It was always them that had that had the problem. It wasn't me or drinking.

And I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and what I found out in Alcoholics Anonymous, the old timers snapped me up, told me, If you want to see what the problem is, Slim, go look in the mirror. You'll see what the problem is. This big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and those 12 steps are made for you to work, not the people around you. People around you don't have to work this program. You have to work this program and become different.

I didn't know that. I didn't have a clue about that. But I continued to drink over. I got in a lot of trouble. 1 night I run out of money.

I decided that I was gonna rob a cab driver. Their meters were fixed and they were always overcharging us. I knew that. Nobody else did but I knew it. I figured it out.

And, he and I got in a fight and I held his head down to the pavement and I picked up a rock the size of a softball and I beat his face in with it. And that man almost died. And, my father flew over to Okinawa and, I was in a lot of trouble. He put me in a brig. And, my dad met with a commanding general, 3rd Marine Division and he paid for that man's surgery and he paid for that man's retirement, gave the cab company some money and some deal was struck somewhere and all this was going on.

I was still locked up. And by the time court martial happened, the only thing they did is beg I begged the Marine Corps not to throw me out. It's the only thing I knew how to do. I was 18 year old. And anyway, some deal was cut to make a long story short.

And by the time paperwork went through to get me released from that brig, I'd spent almost a year locked up in that brig. And if you'd walked up to me and said it was behind drinking or trying to get money to drink on, I'd have said, that's not true. These guys are overcharging us and they're ripping us servicemen off. And I could rationalize and justify that action. It wasn't my fault.

I just got screwed one more time by the marine corps. I got all that brig and I and I they sent me to Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. And I went to Illinois on my way down there. I met a girl that, there that just graduated high school and I married her in a short time and took her to North Carolina with me. And she wants me to stay home and be a husband.

Now I don't know about you guys, but I'm a bar drinker. I like the intelligent guys out in the bars and the beautiful women. And I so I just like a bar. And so I gotta get out in the bars, but she wants me to stay home and what I would do I don't know what you'd do is I would start a fight with her. And we'd have that argument.

We'd have that cuss fight that alcoholics have with all the cussing and screaming and going on. And now I can't stay there and drink in a noisy place. I gotta get out in the bars where it's quiet and serene. And so it's her fault. And so that gives me my reason to get the hell out of that house and get out in that bar.

So I'm out there in the bar drinking. Somebody will invariably say something that I take offense to and we'll get in a fight and I'll hit him with something. They'll call the Jacksonville police and him. And I got to run from that bar and I get down into another bar and I'm sitting in there drinking and I got to be validated. I don't feel like a man.

And so I got to find me a woman and then me and some honey will lock eyes and we'll we'll know that we're meant for each other and so we'll trudge off to her place and do what we got to do to validate me because I don't feel like a man. And this is what men do and so I'll feel like a man and then I'm laying there sobering up and I start to think. And that's a bad deal. When you're drinking, you should never think. And, so I'm laying there thinking and I think about that wife at home and what I realize is she ain't done anything to cause this.

You see? It's my fault. And I have all those feelings when you when you're a liar. And I have all those feelings when you're unfaithful and a cheat. And I can't go home and look at that woman now.

And I feel bad and I feel that guilt and that shame and I know it's not her. So what I do is I stop in a bar. I have a couple of shooters and a beer. And what my head says now is this is what guys do. This is a guy thing.

This is macho. You're cool. And now I can go home and look at her. And I walk in and she says, where have you been? I hate that question.

I gotta lie to her now. You see, I wouldn't lie if she didn't ask that question. She's causing this. It ain't my fault. And then another cuss fight.

And what happens is is I'm on that treadmill. I can't get off of that. I come into Alcoholics Anonymous, and what I found out is I'm too immature to be a husband. I didn't know that. My intentions all my life is to be like my father, good and decent man, and raised me and my 2 brothers.

Loved my mom. Never heard him raise his voice to my mom and just provided a great and that was my intention. And I don't know where in the hell I went wrong at on this deal. But you guys told me that my wife was none of my business. You told me that those steps are made for me to work, not her.

She don't have to work those 12 steps. It's my job to do that and take care of me. And it's not my job to tell her what to wear. It's It's not my job to tell her how to cook dinner. It's not my job to tell her what to fix for dinner.

It's not my job to tell her how to clean that house. My sponsor told me if you don't like how that damn house looks, clean it yourself. I thought, What? I'm not me. And that's what I was told.

And I had to learn in Alcoholics Anonymous how to be a husband. Then we had a kid and I don't know how to treat kids. They cry. They make messes. They break things.

They spill shit. They crap their diapers for for Christ's sakes. I mean, what's up with that? Who walks around doing that? You know, kids ought to be born at about 9 year old, already potty trained.

And, you know, she'd do that and make messes and I'd grab her and I'd shake her and I'd throw her in that crib and then that guilt and that shame would come over me when you know you're a bad father. Take those feelings away is another drink of alcohol. And me and my wife would have that cuss fight and that kid's crying and I gotta get the hell out of there and I'm out in those bars. And I come into Alcoholics Anonymous and what I found out are kids are little people. You know, and that's how they grow up.

I didn't know that. Around, break things. That's how they learn. And I was told by the people in Alcoholics Anonymous to never touch my kids, unless I'm going to put my arms around them and hug them. Never raise my voice in that house.

Don't use 4 letter words or cuss words around that family. I had to learn how to completely restructure my vocabulary and my actions around the house because because I didn't know how to be a father. And I was ashamed of that for a long time in the sobriety. Then what happened, I got called into the CEO's office one day and they issued me a rifle with a telescope on it and gave me some live ammunition and sent me across the ocean to a place called Vietnam. And I got to tell you Vietnam's not my problem.

I get tired of hearing guys whine about that crap on the West Coast. I've I've only been sober a little over 20 years, but, I've been to a lot of meetings with Alcoholics Anonymous, and I've never seen an NVA soldier walk into an a meeting and take a Vietnam vet out at gunpoint and make them drink. So I just can't blame those people. I'm sorry. It just won't work.

Tell you what my problem was. I was afraid. I couldn't tell anybody about that fear. I'm a I'm a marine. I'm supposed to be macho, but I had this fear and I can't tell those other guys I'm serving with that I'm afraid.

They didn't look afraid. They looked like they were handling everything fine and I was ashamed of that and I found out a secret in Vietnam. 151 proof of rum. Put that in my canteens. I'm bulletproofing invisible.

Now what I can do is I can go out on those patrols. I was a sniper. I was up at Khe Sanh and Cantien in 67, 68. And now I can go out and do those things to show everybody how tough I am and what a what a macho guy I am. And, I do a lot of bad things out there.

And then I come back in that harbor site and I break that canteen out and I drink from that canteen and then take that guilt and that shame away. You know? And what alcohol did for me in Vietnam was saved my sanity. That's what alcohol did for me in Vietnam. And, I'm not proud of the things I did over there and, I did a lot of bad things to a lot of people.

And, what I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is is that, all I've got is right now. And if I can put enough of these nows together, I'm gonna have it tonight. That's all. I'm gonna have a sober tonight if I can just keep doing what I'm doing right now. I can't put enough nows together to go back and change my past.

I can't undo the things I did over. I know there's somebody sitting here tonight that'd like to change some of the things they'd done when they were out there drinking and using. But, you know, we can't do that here in Alcoholics Anonymous. What I've learned I can do is try not to act the way I used to act, try not to react to every thought I have or any perceived injustice I have or I can just try to treat people the way I want to be treated. And I've learned that in Alcoholics Anonymous.

But I can't change change any of those things that I did over. And I wish I could but I can't. And what happened was in 1968 in March during the siege at Caisson, I got wounded over. I got blown up. And I come back to the States and, I got out of the hospital.

I went home. We were living in Oceanside. And while I was over, we'd had a son born to us and he's crying and then my daughter's growing up and she wants my attention and that wife wants me to stay home and I can't stay home. I gotta get out in the bars and drink. I'm a bar drinker.

And I wanna get out there and talk about the war. You know, it's our Vietnam vets. That's our only claim to fame. So we gotta talk about it. We can't drop it.

We gotta carry it with us. So I wanna get out there and rant about that stuff. And so what I do is I start that cuss fight again. And we're having that cuss fight. I've been home 2 days.

And, there's chaos in that house. The kids are crying. And I finally told my wife I'm drinking and, I told her to shut up or I'll kill you. And that woman didn't believe me. And, when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't believe in God.

I had done too many bad things to too many people, walked through too many lives. And I knew the fair was a god. I was screwed. And, you guys told me there's always been a higher power in my life. And, when I look back over my life, I can see that's true today, but I didn't believe it back then.

But, you see, I walked in the closet and I got a gun out that I had left home with her while I was over there. And, I walked back in that kitchen and said, shut up or I'll kill you. And that woman didn't shut up. And, the safety wouldn't come off the gun. It was rusted.

My daughter standing down between my legs pulling on me, telling me, don't shoot her mommy. And, I hit a pin at the base of the receiver and that pin come out. And when I pushed the pin back in, it was the firing pin and the gun went off. And the bullet went through my hand and down between my legs where my daughter was standing. And the bullet didn't hit her.

And I could have accidentally shot and killed my daughter that day in a drunken rage. And all she had was powder burns down her side. And my wife divorced me shortly after that. I couldn't believe that. I fired one shot and I shot myself and she split.

I drank over that. She took my kids. So I drank over that. Shortly after that, I went down to Marine Corps Recruit Depot and I was a drill instructor down there. And I instructed the new recruits and made them a man and it made me a man.

I thought it was macho and they left their lockers open. I stole from them and I used that money to drink on because I needed that money to drink and and I and I cannot do those things and I was ashamed of that. But, that's where alcohol took me when I drank. And I'm out in the Ville out there in San Diego and I'm fighting there in the bars and now I'm carrying a gun because I'm afraid. Now the fights are getting worse and now I'm starting to hurt people.

And after two and a half years down there, what happened is I had a committee meeting and my committee decided I should go back to Vietnam. That's where the macho guys are. And so I volunteered and went back. I spent a second tour in Vietnam this time with the infantry in 1970, 71. And I came back to the States and I got out of the hospital.

I'm at Camp Pendlin. And what happened was is the Marine Corps expects me to come back after lunch and I can't do that. What I have to do is I have to drink now to keep the demons away. And so what I do is I stay there at the staff club and I drink. And And when my enlistment was up after 11 years, I got out of the Marine Corps.

And then after I got out of the Marine Corps, I did what macho guys were doing back then. I put on a gun and a badge and I became a police officer. Officer. Freeze. I love saying that.