The Way Out Roundup in Fargo, ND

My name is Paul Mortensen, I'm alcoholic and I have not taken a drink since May 5th of 2001.

As I like to say, that is due to the grace of a God that will never help me, sponsorship that should not be trusted, and a simple program of action that's never going to work anyway.

I I wandered into a A by accident. I didn't plan on being an alcoholic. I didn't plan on going to a A Really. I sure as hell didn't plan on speaking at a roundup, come to think of it. I want to thank Adam M, who's the one who asked me to speak at this.

And the way the brief history, the way this this whole meeting and this whole roundup and all this jazz came about is Adam and Dustin and this guy Ryan had evidently started a meeting. It was a speaker meeting other than our Home group on the night the woman's meeting was out of a resentment against the woman's meeting and

went all right for a while and then

didn't. And So what happened is, is, is I was given a guy that I sponsor a ride to this meeting one night. And I figured, you know, I'd look bad if I just dropped this guy off and took off. So I went in with him and pretended I gave a darn about the meeting. And I walk in the room and there's a couple guys over there talking and they're like, what about Mortenson? He's been around for a little while. Yeah. What about that? First, second, third. Paul, you know, the new secretary. You're not going to say no to an A a request, are you?

What what just happened? You know, OK. And this guy Nate, that I had with me wound up being the GSR. Guess these guys were all wanted to play softball, so

they were getting out of there and so we wound up, you know, trying to run this meeting. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I've never met a secretary of anything and shouldn't really be in charge of anything.

And eventually, you know, it it it's, we got enough speaker meetings in town as it is. And people really didn't need to be at another meeting on a Monday because there's about 40 of them. And there was really nobody coming. So we said, well, really we shouldn't have this a men's only meeting. I mean, anybody should be welcome. So we opened it up and, and a few girls started coming, a few more guys started coming and it kind of dwindled again. And we thought, you know, this is still not working. What do we do? And I talked to a few people about that. And this guy, Mike H

in passing, I don't even know if he remembers it, but I remember it said something about, you know, there's enough speaker meetings as it is. Why don't you change it up a little bit, make it like an ask it basket format or something.

I thought, cool, that's I like that idea. So I took that back to the group. We talked about it and thought, what do we got to lose? I mean, there's nobody coming anyway. So we set it up as a as an ask it basket format. And what we do now is we have a basket where people come in, they write in some A related questions, throw them in a basket, speaker will pick something out of it, read the question, answer it based on their experience or occasionally on what they think they know.

And you know, we get a lot of different stuff, but it all really comes down to the same thing. It really comes down to the fact a A works if you work the program, if you work the steps and if you keep yourself involved with the traditions. A A works no matter where you go, no matter what you do, no matter which which meeting you're in.

And so it's been a blast. I think 6 months ago, Adam and Leah and a few other people that were in the group decided that, you know, we should, we should have something to celebrate this. We've been doing this for a while. That's been ask a basket format for about a year and a half now. And we should have some kind of a shindig to celebrate this. I was like, no, no, there's enough roundups in town. It's really bad idea. And I got completely voted out And they immediately said, well, we should get Paul to be one of the speakers. I'm like, no, no, no. And I got it voted out on that too. I called my sponsor. I'm like, dude, they want me

speak. Everybody's going to think that we've invented this meeting so we could have our own roundup so that I could speak. And he says, well, that's probably the case Paul, but

you don't say no to an A, a request, so speak. Crap. So here I am. I'm alcoholic.

For me, I guess as I was as a kid, I didn't know it. But like the big book says that, you know, no one wants to admit that they're bodily and mentally different from their fellows. I had, I couldn't even put a finger on it and describe it to you. But I always felt like I was a little bit not present, you know, like I hear people say so often, they got the instructions and I didn't, you know, they were there at school a day before me and I wasn't, or

I missed. Something's missing. And I spent a long time trying to fill a void that I could not describe to you because I didn't know

first time I got loaded. I mean, I, you know, there was a couple times I drank when I was younger. I think when I was 5,

my parents had parties and I go around and take a sip of this, a sip of that, sip of that, sip of that till they put me to bed drunk. And they kind of stopped letting me do that. I know that when I was 10, I have no recollection of having drank too much champagne and kicked my brother in the and my parents said no more champagne for me. I was a little disappointed,

but I know when I was 15, I my mom's alcoholic for the record, and has been for a very long time. And I was absolutely bound and determined not to be a drunk like my mom. I was totally not going to be a drunk. So when but something's got to change because I can't live like this. And so when I was on the bus and these guys, Miles and Robin were in the back of the bus, You know, they're back there. They got their big boom box and they're playing Mötley Crüe shout at the Devil and head banging with their leather jackets. And I'm up in the front seat with my little Walkman on my headphones listening to Dead or Alive. You spin me right round and

thinking I am such a loser. Um

so I thought maybe I should try being a Stoner because the stoners are cool. So I asked these stoners if they could get me some, some stuff.

And they're like, we mean stuff, you know, like pot or something. And they're like, yeah. So I gave him, you know, I gave him like 5 bucks. And they gave me a, a bag of parsley and I took it home, snuck it in, smelled it and thought I recognized that and checked the spice cabinet. And sure as hell, I totally got ripped off. They showed up a little bit later at my house to check and see if I was high yet. And I wasn't, but they got me high. And as far as I can remember, and I know this is drug stuff, so I'm not going to go into this for too long, but it was the first time the noise in my head quieted down a little bit.

And I can't, again, I can't be a drunk like my mom. And frankly, when you're not 21, it's real hard to get alcohol. So I'll take anything you got, you know? And that was what was available. I did that within six months, I was in the nut ward, left the nut ward. They tossed me out of there because I wouldn't open up and tell them why I was getting loaded. Like, I know, I mean, how the hell am I supposed to tell them? I just know that it it makes something OK. So they put me in the boys ranch and then I met the real bad boys and we started going a wall, running out and hitting the streets and making all kind of trouble.

Next thing you know, I'm in and out of juvenile detention over and over and over now, but probation violations and I'm dealing drugs on the street. And

I, you know, I mean that really that would have been my preference would be the, the drugs. I mean, because even though I'm alcoholic, those were the things that seemed right at the time, you know, and I mean, my idea of, of a good time is dropping three hits of acid and trying to figure out a Rubik's Cube and a strobe light. I we're staring at a lava lamp for hours, talking, listening, meditating.

But anyway, I mean, that stuff, eventually that stuff gets you in trouble. And I don't see myself as an addict. And the reason I don't see myself as an addict because given enough reasons to stop giving a good enough reason to stop, I stopped doing that stuff. You know, sooner or later I make a Long story short, I wound up out of the boys ranch on the streets, living on the streets of juvenile detention, the streets juvenile detention, foster home juvenile detention.

And I left Washington state at the age of 18, having been involved in a violent crime with cops hot on my tail, the dealers hot on my tail, the ex friends hot on my tail, my parents wondering where the hell I am and if I'm alive. And I shout out to Wisconsin to go live with my mom to get a new start. I don't know if you ever had any new starts that you've tried to do. If you're anything like me, you probably have a pretty good idea how the news starts begin. First thing I did is look for people that look like me, talk like me, act like me. Listen to the music I listen to spotted them. This guy,

I don't even remember what his real name was. We just, I remember we called him Hammer and he never gave me an excuse as to why we called him Hammer. That's just what they called him. So

I hooked up with him and pretty soon I'm getting thrown out of grandma's house. I'm getting thrown out of my mom's house. I'm getting thrown out of I got thrown. I, I, they threw me out of my apartment. Evidently, if you don't pay rent for ten months, they ask you to leave. And we had trashed the place

and then after that I was in the in on the streets in Madison. There's a there's a homeless shelter in downtown Madison. They asked me to leave. That's I don't know what the hell you got to do to get thrown out of a homeless shelter, but evidently not getting a job and showing uploaded all the time does that. So me doc kid bear pulled all of our state money. I don't even know their real names. Pulled all of our state money that we had gotten and bought this $150.00 blue beat up GMC pickup truck that spit gas and oil and stuff all over the place. Pulled up next to a dumpster and threw 2 easy chairs in the back of this thing facing back

and me and Doc climbed in the back. Bear drove because he was the only one of the license and well, no kid I think drove sometimes he wasn't supposed to but he did whatever. Anyway, those guys hopped in the front and we drove to North Dakota to join the carnival and get a new start

and, and I got to sitting in the back seat of that truck, I got to watch my old life slip away. And it's almost symbolic, you know,

as we were watching all the problems and all the troubles and all the difficulties just slip away over the horizon. And there's grass. And it was summertime and everything was beautiful, very nice. Almost died. They were driving this truck trying to pass some lady. And, you know, as we're passing her, I'm like, waving at her, you know, beer. Hey, how's it going? And as we just pulled back into our lane, I'm like right past us.

Whoa, you know, these guys playing chicken with a semi to pass this lady to prove a point. I don't know, just another one of those things that when I look back on, it was one of those God conscience moments where I'm like, Oh my God, I could have been dead.

So we joined a carnival and I didn't have any glasses. I just had these prescription sunglasses. So everybody thought I was a BS or and which I was. We ran with carnival for a while. That's where I met her. I met her behind the tool truck first day I met her and

it's not podium material. I'm not going to go into that. But we wound up getting married and

she talked me into getting a GED, which I did. She talked me into going to college, which I started doing. I went to Northwest Tech here in here in Moorhead. And you know, I, I went from street kid to electronics technician and husband and employee. And I got a job, which led to another job and I'm starting to make money. But in this time I also turned 21. You know, I turned 21, I think the day before we got married. And

once you're 21, I don't know if you know this or not, but you can buy alcohol and you don't have to be a drug runner anymore. But I still, I don't want to be an alcoholic like my mom, but I really like what alcohol does. So I buy beer and I hang out and I, you know, I was a druggie and a

drunk. And eventually we moved to Fargo. And once we were in Fargo,

once again, I hooked up with the people that I hook up with. And before long, once again, I'm running drugs. I'm doing the illegal stuff that I'm not supposed to be doing. And what happens when you do those things is you get arrested. They find out, they notice, and I got arrested. And I don't know what getting getting arrested does for you, but it scared the hell out of me. And given a good enough reason, I quit doing that. You know, I did a little bit after that, but really I quit doing that stuff.

I turn to the solution for me, which was Mickey's Fine Malt Liquor brew, which is some darn good stuff. And it's relatively cheap and it comes in 40s and you could buy a 40 of it. And after a while I'd maybe buy two 40s if I had a really good day or a really bad day. And then I'd have two 40s if and in one of those little one ounce airplane bottles of Jose Cuervo. Then I realized those start adding up. So I started getting a little bit bigger bottle of Cuervo and I started getting 12 packs of of the Beast. And then I started getting cases because I realized you could save a dollar instead of buying the 212 packs and a little bit bigger bottle of Cuervo

and wasn't very long at all. I'm in the middle of a divorce and I've got 1/5 or 1/2 gallon of Jose in the freezer every day and I've got a case of beer in the fridge every day. And about every two days I'd have to restock. And I was going through probably 12 pack and a half a bottle a day. Perfectly normal, perfectly fine. I'm an American, damn it, and I can drink, I'm 21, I can do what I want. And anybody gave me any flak about it? Some of you have seen some old photographs of me. I used to have a real long ponytail and I used to look like I was about ready to murder puppies.

I was angry, angry and I couldn't even put a finger on it then. But the truth of the matter is I was scared out of my mind. And what I'm scared. The only thing I can do is I can back you off, you know, and I get frustrated real easily. I talk fast and fast, move fast and I do not have time to wait around for you to get to your damn point. You know, you want to see me twitch, watch me in line at Walmart today. Still, you know, I I have trouble with being patient and I'm always in a hurry. And

So what what came about is, you know, we wound up in this divorce and

I'd already for some time in this marriage, I'd been drinking on a daily basis. And I would start with her those arguments that we start when we want to get out of the house, you know, and we get into an argument and slam some doors and I tell her what I really thought of her. And then I'd leave because I had a right to leave. And I'd go over to Shorty's house and I'd get loaded, you know,

and and, you know, as often as possible, I'd say daily. I, you know, I might be wrong. There might have been a couple of times an area where I tried to prove for a day that I didn't have to drink everyday just to show her. And I'd stay so mad about it that it was really miserable for her. And she told me, yeah, you may as well be drinking anyway. You know you're a jerk.

So once her and I split up, I have my own place. And those first three months I was insane. I was crazy. And I was driving from Fargo to Valley City on the weekends to party with my buddies. And I'd throw a 12 pack into a cooler and I'd drink and drive all the way.

You know, throwing cans up, crush them, throw them out the window, hopefully nobody notices. And I'd go out there and party and do the stuff that we do.

I remember one time as I, as I was driving back, see the night before, there was another her and she had hooked up with my buddy instead of me. And I was terribly upset about that. So I, I decided at midnight I was going to quit drinking at them. So I stopped drinking at midnight and stayed angrily sober and started, you know, sobering up basically. And about 5:00 in the morning, I decided I had enough of that crap and I was going to drive home. And it's a 60 mile drive. I'd been up all night. I'd been drinking, I'd been getting high and I said, I'm leaving. And they're like, well, you know, Are you sure you're OK to drive? I'm like, dude, I'm a drunk. I know drunk. This

drunk, I'll be fine. OK, shut up. And I got my car, and I started driving, and a little bit past halfway, I started having those long blinks. I don't know if you've had long blinks, you know, where you open two eyes and two tires around the shoulder? I'm like, whoa, whoa, pay attention, OK. And then I open my eyes again, and I'm in the left lane of I-94 doing 70 miles an hour on cruise control. I'm like, whoa, pay attention. Turn up the stereo, shake my head, pinch myself a few times. The next time I open my eyes, it was because my car landed from jumping in between the two sides of the Interstate.

You know those little access roads the cops used to turn around and chase you? I had hopped one of those in. My old 85 Mercury Cougar landed and I woke up and there's grass and water and stuff flying over the hood. I'm like, you know, it took me about 1/2 a second to figure out this is not a dream. I floored it, peeled out up onto the Interstate, got up there and the first thing I thought was wonder if anybody saw that? You know, I'm looking back and forth because that would look bad. I can tell you this. I haven't had any problem with staying asleep since. So anyway,

you know, that's how I roll, That's how I do stuff. And

you know, I like to argue, I like to get into fights and I like to be right, you know, and I'm not talking fist bites. I'm talking where I go at home and secretly think about all the things I'm going to do to you. I'm not going to really confront you because that would be scary. So I'm going to look really, really ominous and hate you and wear skulls and crossbones and stuff and listen to really angry music. I, I was, for the record, I was the guy here in town who was with the the jacked up thousand Watt car stereo driving around playing baby killer music for the approach from protesters every couple of days on the way to work, driving by them, waving at them, given the one figure salute and all that.

One of them irritated me one time. So for the next two years I pestered them as often as possible. You know, how the hell do you make amends for that? I mean,

so I try and mention that I mean, because for me to amend means to change too. And you know, I don't do that kind of stuff today. I don't flip people to burden the car when I'm driving. I was listening to my first sponsor late great Kane Thompson, who a couple years ago, he went to the great meeting in this guy, good guy. But in in a meeting when I was real new in sobriety, he was talking about how he was driving to the meeting and some guy had cut him off in traffic and

he just about flipped the guy the bird. And then it occurred to him that if he did that, that he'd feel bad about it later on. He'd feel guilty and he'd have to find a way to track that guy down and go apologize and make amends to him for having done that.

And that he really didn't want to have to chase someone out and make amends to him when they were the jerk in the 1st place. So he just didn't flip the guy off. And I remember thinking you could do that. You can just not flip somebody off. It was like a spiritual awakening. You know, I'm like, wow, I didn't know. So I try not to do that. Except for Steve and Howard. I occasionally give them the bird, but that's nothing but love.

So just, you know, little things like that. I, I, after that first three months of insanity, I hooked up with this girl. She was nuts.

I met her on the Internet. That's where he made the good ones. And she came over and we started, I wouldn't call it dating. She kind of moved in and, and brought her neurosis in with mine. And

within five months, I don't know how many times I'd gone over thinking about suicide. But at the end of that five months,

I found some things out that really upset me. And she had told me some things that that I kind of freaked out about. And I came home one day after work. I got upset and I threw a tantrum. And by this time, a few days before that, I already made plans to go into the nut ward. I already knew I was on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. And I'd made plans to go into the local nut ward. I talked with a whole bunch of places locally and we'd pick the local psychiatric center here. And

so I was going to go into there, but a couple days before I was supposed to actually show up there, I wound up flipping out on her, wound up in a tussle with her, wound up striking her in anger. I've never struck a woman in anger in my life. And it was one of the one of those lines I swore I never crossed. You know, I already know I'm a drunk now here I've hauled off and I've hit a woman and you know, really I was flat handed. I slap her on rear end three times really hard. But that doesn't matter to me. To me, that's striking a woman in anger. I don't care how you dress that up. And it's wrong, you know, in case you're wondering.

And so I, she left and then she came back and to get her stuff. Well, after she left, I took all the stuff in the house and threw it up against the door because I knew she had a key and I didn't want her coming in without my permission until it occurred to me that I wanted her to come back so that I had to move all the crap away from the door and make it so that she could get in. And in the process, I'd torn something of hers. And so when she came back, she saw the thing I tore. And she's like, oh, you're going to wreck my stuff, huh? You want to wreck my stuff? OK, let's wreck your stuff. You know, how about your precious crystal chess board?

And I'd had this really nice crystal chess board is in the original box with all the pieces in the little Styrofoam slots. And it was all, you know, Styrofoam chess board, Styrofoam into box, in another box and is probably my most valued possession at the time other than me and, and my ego. And so I said, yeah, good idea, let's do that. Let's break the chess board. And so I went, I got my hammer and I got the chess board and I put it down on the floor and she's like, no, no, no, no, no. She tries to take the hammer from me. I pushed her up on the bed. I got down on my knees and I just went

crazy on this thing over and over and over and ruined it. I mean, I totally destroyed. There's pieces of crystal flying all over cardboard floating and

just trashed it. Cut my finger open in the process,

she said. You're crazy and left. I don't know why she would do that,

trying to explain to her how much she was making me hurt. And that wasn't the case at all. I was obviously nuts, but she didn't come back that night. And so I wound up walking around the house and she saw that I was bleeding before she left. She's like, Oh my God, you're bleeding all over the place. You know, you're crazy. I got to leave. And so I'm like, oh, well, you know, whatever. I bandaged it up and there's blood on the carpet and it's on the furniture and stuff and on her jeans, jacket. And I'm like, God,

where's guy going to go to get there? You know, and I, you know, at this time I'm crying in my beer, miserable, wanting to die. And I call up my mom because remember, my mom is a drunk. Remember we mentioned that before. However, at this time, my mom had been sober for quite a while because what happened is when I left Washington state with everybody on my tail and went to Wisconsin, my mom saw me and how I looked in the way that I was living and that everything. And she went and checked into treatment and sobered the hell up and has been sober ever since. So.

I wound up calling her and, and I talked with her at length that night.

There was something, you know, I, I, when I talked with her, I was telling her about how miserable I was and how much I wanted to die and how much I wish I was dead. And she says, well, then why don't you kill yourself? I'm like, what Ma, what do you mean kill myself? You know, I don't want to die. If she's like, well, then why don't you stop saying you do?

That's a dirty trick. That's a very dirty trick. This is why I talked to her. She said, why don't you grab another beer and keep talking to me? And I think that's because she knew that that was the only thing that was going to get me through the night. Because for me, alcohol is a solution. It's not the problem, it's the solution. The problem was there long before I took a drink. For me, maybe you drank your way into alcoholism. If you did, great, that's not my problem. I think for me, though, I've had this imbalance, this spiritual malady that we talked about, this void inside me I could not describe or put a finger on.

And alcohol fills that void better than anything else, you know,

better than anything else I'd known to that point. And so I talked with my mom. And it wasn't until I was probably 2 years sober and my first a, a roommate had moved out. And I'd had a couple other a roommates and people start getting drunk and we had to move. And I was busy cleaning the carpet in this house when it fired in my memory that the reason I had given myself an excuse to call my mom that night, the last night I drank, was because she used to work in a laundromat and I needed help figuring out how to get the blood stains out of the carpet.

And it just

two years sober, I'm cleaning the carpet and I start bawling, you know, because I'm like, that's why that's why we had this conversation. That's what happened, you know, and I've had, I've had a lot of that, you know, in, in the last few years here in the last in my sobriety where

things I had completely forgotten suddenly pop up. And it's like, Oh yeah, I did it. You know, I've had a men's pop up that I didn't know I had to make suddenly remember that time I did this thing. And I'm like, oh, great, now I got to hunt somebody else down

in the next day when she came home, she showed up and she said, you know, she explained to me where I was wrong and what I was doing wrong and why I was really messed up and why I needed to change a lot of things. And I'm sitting here nodding and going, yeah, you're right, Yeah, you're right. Knowing that this is her fault. And if she hadn't, I wouldn't took because it's not my fault.

And she said, I'm going to a dance later tonight with a guy named Keith. It's an, a, a dance. You can go if you want and a, A and a dance. I mean, it's bad enough. It's a a I've seen you people, you know, a, a can't help. All you guys do is sit around and drink your coffee, smoke your cigarettes, talk about your farm, pull up your bib overalls, hold your hands, say your stupid little prayers and go home. That's not going to help. And I, I didn't want to go to a dance because I don't want to dance, not because I can't dance, but because I won't dance because if I'm up there dancing, you're going to see me. And if you could see me, you're going to know that

secretly feel awkward and vulnerable, You can all stop, turn, point and laugh. The earth is going to open up and swallow me. And I was, I was really uncomfortable with the idea going to this dance. But I said, yeah, I'll go. And inside I was thinking, not because of any of this stuff, but because you're not going to a dance with another guy without me. I don't think so. So I went to the stupid dance. It wasn't a dance. It was a frigging round up. There was like 300 of these people running around in suits and ties and dresses and they all look good. And they totally, they weren't, they weren't me. They weren't, you know, in the leather jacket with the attitude

and and they weren't dying. And if you're not dying like I'm dying, then you don't understand me. You don't know anything about me. And and I walk into this place and the first thing that happens, of course, is with any active a a group. This guy comes shooting across the room with his hand out, says hi, I'm Kane. Are you new?

And I was, you know, I'm like, no, no, I'm thinking to myself, no, I'm not new. I'm not here. I'm not here for the AAA meet. I'm not part of this a, a thing. You know, I don't have anything to do with that. I'm checking into treatment on Monday or Tuesday or what the hell it is. I'm not going to be able to do that. You know, I'm not here for the meeting. I'm not here for any part of that. I didn't have time to say all that crap. So I just said was yes. And he says, well, let me find you a seat. And he ran me over to this guy, Jeff, and he's like, Chief, this is Paul. It's his first meeting. Can he sit by you?

And this guy chief says no, I'm doing a sobriety countdown. Why don't you have him sit way up there?

And they sat me up in like the third row. And looking back, I had Scott be over here. Newton was over here scowling at me somewhere. You know, the girl was sitting next to me. There's people looking at me smiling like, hey, how you doing? I'm thinking, shut up, you know, quit looking at me. And this guy, Jeff, gets up there and he goes to do a sobriety count on. He says his name. And the way this group does their hello, is there like, hi, Jeff scared the hell out of me. It's like 300 people screaming at once. Blows my hair back. And I'm just like, what the hell was that?

And he gets up there. He says, we're going to do a sobriety countdown. We're going to start it, I believe 30 years that year. And they're going to count backwards. And whoever has the most amount of sobriety in the room gets a free copy of the big Book. And I'm thinking, oh shit,

'cause I know. And the girl sitting next to me knows and this guy came, just found out I was new. And Jeff, this guy up doing a sobriety countdown. Those, this guy, Keith in the back of the room knows, you know, I'm all open, I'm exposed, I'm vulnerable. They know this is a dirty trick too. And he starts counting down, you know, 30 years. Everybody stands out now clap and you know, 20 years and blah, blah, blah. They're down to the one and two and three-year guys. Everybody there seem to have 1-2 and three years

and they're getting down to six months, three months who has a week of sobriety? And I still haven't stood up. And now he's looking around and looking right at me and I'm like, oh God, six days, looks around the room, looks right at me. Five, you know, comes down to two days looks at me and I haven't stood up yet. And what he said next saved my life. I don't think anybody said it this way since then at a sobriety countdown at that group. But the way he worded it was, is there anybody here in their first day of sobriety?

And I thought, you know,

I'm not lying and saying I have a day of sobriety if I stand up

and I don't know why. So I stood up. And I think frankly, for me, that was the beginning of my step through that day, you know, and I was expecting the, a, a police to throw me out, you know, 'cause we don't want people here that can't quit drinking. This is a A, we don't drink here.

I had no idea what the hell A A was about. So I stood up and what I what happened is, is I got a standing ovation. I had 300 people come out of their chairs and they all clapped and they all screamed and they all sent me up to get the dumb book. And I got the book and sat down and sat in a state of shock for the next 5 hours.

But what happened is they got this lady up to the podium to to be the speaker that night,

insulating Nancy M for Minneapolis. And she got to the podium. She didn't talk directly at me. I, but she told me how I felt. She didn't say anything directly to me, never spoke to me, never, you know, didn't know who I was. But she shared her experience, strength and hope. She shared about her alcoholism when she was drinking and she shared about it after in sobriety. And it was the first time in my life that I really identified with somebody else. It was the first time there was ever really a connection there.

This is what's wrong with me. This is what's been going on. I had no idea

that there were other people like me. And you know what, it doesn't matter how you dress and what you look like. You know where you're from. If you know what alcoholism is, if you felt it. You know, we know truth when you say it. And I knew truth that night when she described what was going on. I knew that's what I have. That's me. And I've been coming here ever since. You know, I got that guy came to be my sponsor and by accident, I I went to him and I said, you know, I, I think I'm going to do this. This sounds like it might work. I'd like to try this. I don't know what to do, though. I don't know who to talk to. I got this book. What do I do? What do I read? What,

what about a sponsor? I mean, between the meeting and him in the smoking area, I think 35 people came up to me and said, hi, how you doing? He got a sponsor. Who? You got a sponsor? You need a sponsor. You get a sponsor. I'm like, God, go away, leave me alone. And so I went to this guy Kane, and I said, So what do I need to do to get a sponsor? And he says, I'll sponsor you. I thought, no, no, no, no, no, not like that. That's not what I meant. But what I said was, what do I do? I think that's another shot at step three right there. You know, step one. I know I'm powerless over alcohol,

obvious before I even get to a A. We don't have to do step one in a A. You do your field research out there. You know, what happens in here is I come in here and I hear you. I hear truth. I hear when you describe what happens when I take a drink of alcohol, I have a bizarre thing that happens. I actually get thirsty for more alcohol, you know, and after a drink, I want another drink. And after 2 drinks, I'm probably going to have four. After four, it's highly likely I'm going to drink 8 drinks tonight. After 8 drinks, it's pretty probable that 16 is going to be the finishing number tonight. And usually somewhere between

16 and 32. I'm throwing up clam chowder through my nose one more time, telling myself I have got to stop this. I'm going to die. And I wake up the next morning, you know, full of remorse with a firm resolution not to do that again tonight. And I get up and I go to work and I'm pale and I'm shaky, you know, and I'm sweating alcohol. They actually confronted me on that at work. They said, you know, we, there's people saying that you smell like alcohol and you're drinking at work. I was like, Oh, no, no, that's I was drunk the night before and every night.

So I could probably pass a breathalyzer if they didn't sample my sweat

because I wasn't bathing a lot then either. So it's blatantly obvious that I cannot safely take a drink. It's also become very obvious that I can't not take a drink because every time I try to stop drinking, quit drinking, don't drink, something starts whispering in the back of my head saying, you know, you got a really crummy day today, Paul. Things haven't gone well today. You know, what you could do is maybe just have a couple. And I drive home telling myself, no, no, no, no, I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. And then it hits me that maybe instead of drinking all that stuff, I normally drink. Maybe

just get a six pack of that really nice dark, thick nectar of the gods Sam Adams beer and have just one or two of those and that'll take the edge off and that'll calm me down, you know, because when I'm not drinking, I start getting irritable, intense and restless and frustrated and people get Dumber and slower and they won't pay attention. You know, you want to see me freak out again, Walmart, All these people that aren't evidently aware that I'm in a hurry and they won't move. They won't get out of the way. They won't even pay for their stuff or let me through the line. I have to stand there and wait and I really don't want to. And the more sober I get, the

IT gets and the more irritating they get. And the closer I get to just randomly slapping people in Walmart, which probably won't go well either.

So

Step 2, interesting sting about Step 2 is item still not entirely certain that this is going to work? I'm coming up a little bit in a little bit here about another month. I think I'm going to come up on 7 years. I don't think I really did step to it until I'd already done all the other steps and been around here for a while. And suddenly I started to believe maybe this is going to work. You know, step three, I asked for help in a nutshell, I asked for help. I said, what do you want me to do? I want to do this. What do you want me to do? And

ever since then, I mean, I've been, I've been coming here and doing this stuff we do here. I went and I did an inventory, I did a written inventory. And there's debate on what, which one's the right one to do. The one that keeps you sober, I would guess is probably the one you should do.

Do 1, whatever you do. And so I did this written inventory and Kane and I went off and we went driving around and I read this thing off to him, you know, and in the process of reading this off to him, there was this, see, there were certain things on there I didn't want anybody to know about. There's, you know, about 11 lines on this one page that were really, really, we're not going to discuss this kind of things ever, you know, and I've hopefully left this crap in my past and now you want me to write it down? And as I was doing my four step, I was thinking, I can't put that one on there and I can't put that one on there and I can't. And it was almost like this