The 19th Hiawathaland Get-Together

Whoo. All right,

How do I follow that? Good morning, everybody. My name is Chris Loudik, and I'm an alcoholic. And just for the record, I am 46 years old and more than happy to tell you that because I never in my wildest dreams believed I would live this long. Yeah, Yeah. It's like, and I'm a sober, happy middle-aged woman now. And I'm like, all right, top that. You know, I, my head's still about 12, but that's OK.

You know, my, I love my grand sponsor. She says, you know, isn't it a bite going through puberty and menopause at the same time? And I'm like, I get that now. I get that. You know, we used to all be standing in the kitchen talking about all the great things we're doing, and now everybody's dropping their pants and showing each other the patch. You know, it's like, oh, look at this. Look at my yeah. It's just, it's a great life, though. I I literally cannot

believe I'm here. I just can't believe it. I have to thank the committee

for this unbelievable weekend. I'm, I only have one concern about the way this committee does things and that is they are treating me so good. I will get used to it and I will be go, I will go home and I will be intolerable. I will be the Princess. You know, it's like, what do you mean you don't have water waiting for me? You know, I'm like, so I, I'm getting a little spoiled here this weekend, but it's really nice because I've been through a lot of stuff lately and it's,

it's so nice to be kind of taken care of and nurtured and loved on. It's just amazing

so that you don't have any misconceptions that your speaker here this morning has it all together. I'm quite convinced, first of all, that I'm here at 10:00 in the morning because most of you do not have enough coffee in you yet or half asleep and will forget everything I say by 11:30. So I think that's why I'm here at 10 because I looked at the lineup of your speakers. Wow. Have you guys got a weekend ahead of you?

Courts talk last night was fabulous. But these people, literally I that are here this weekend are some of what I thought were the urban legends and Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm finding myself getting to meet them and share with them. And, you know, I've seen one of them talk and I've just, I've been blessed to be around people like them. And to me, it's just so huge. It's so amazing. And I, I stand here and I think, how did I get here from there?

How did this happen? But I know how it happened. It's the program of action that's laid out in our book that gave me that psychic change that is absolutely necessary for an alcoholic of my type to be happy, joyous and free. But to let you know for sure that the girl behind the podium doesn't have it all together. Let me share with you. Every morning's an adventure for me. And this morning I'm washing my face and I get out and I'm, I'm in this amazing hotel room, right? They give me this hotel room that is bigger than the house I'm currently living.

And I'm like, I keep thinking if I go around another corner and there's another room, I'm, you know, but I'm standing there and I wash my face and I'm drying my face and I'm like, man, this is such a nice hotel, but their towels are lousy. And I'm rubbing my face. I'm like, what is this? It was the floor mat.

So there you go. That's what you get. That's what you're hearing this morning, gang. So we got all of that out of the way. Any misconceptions? Not

only that, much to my surprise, several ladies from back home showed up. I had no idea. They have apparently lied to me for weeks now and they pulled it all together and several ladies from Ohio showed up. They're kind of sprinkled all throughout here. And I'm just, I am absolutely amazed, absolutely amazed. But So what Alcoholics Anonymous does?

That's exactly what happens.

Get down to some basics here for you.

For some reason, God chose to save me a seat in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous on October 29th, 1994. I say God chose that seat because I certainly didn't my best thinking. You'll hear where it got me, my sobriety every day. I know as a gift of grace, absolute grace. I didn't even know what grace meant before I came in here and did the work. He also picked out my sponsor and those of you that were here last night, you heard me say her name is Michael Earle. She has a sponsor,

Holly Pugh, as the sponsor. dot EH. I also have a loving woman named Fran Nagle in my life, and she lives in Pittsburgh. And Fran and Michael know everything there is to know about Chris Laudic. There are no secrets. And let me tell you, when I walked into you, I didn't want anybody to know anything about me. And now it's absolutely imperative for me to stay alive for these ladies to know everything there is to know about me, you know, And I just feel so blessed. And I also do sponsor women. You know, there's a couple of them here today. And it's just

what a gift, what a gift. And my sobriety, Brandy has brought me far more into my life than I will ever have an opportunity to bring her That weekend that she talks about that we were held up in that hotel room. What I saw was a young lady at five years sober dying of untreated alcoholism. And what I got was the gift. See, I got the gift. I got to sit in that room with that young lady and watch those lights come on. I got to drive to Doctor Bob's house and hit my knees and do a third step with the young lady that I barely knew, but completely new.

You know, it was a gift that I will never be able to give back ever. And as I said last night during the sponsorship panel, my sponsee literally have kept me alive this summer because I take my responsibility to them incredibly serious. You know, I just, I have a ball. Don't get me wrong. Anybody that runs with me and a A knows it is never too late to have a happy childhood. And I am like,

you know, I'm just all over the place,

but I just I'd absolutely have a ball. I also have a Home group. It's the shocked and Monday night meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous on the corner of 8th and main. If you meet us at the McDonald's outside of my small town, we will escort you to our meeting. So we are, you know, I am that serious about it. There are, I tell you what, there's more people in there, ladies in these two front rows that are in Alcoholics Anonymous in the town I come from. You know, it, it's that kind of thing. So something like this is very overwhelming to me, but

I'm absolutely grateful to be here.

And the first reason I am grateful to be here is because I know anytime I am asked to do anything for Alcoholics Anonymous, be it behind a podium or cleaning out the coffee pot, it is a divine assignment. And the reason I know that and another reason you can picture your speaker this morning is a little bit off, but I start out my day the same way every day. And I'm very ritualistic and I usually throw open the door on my house. I walk out to the 4th garden stone, not the third, not the 5th, but the 4th. You know, I'm very

ritualistic in here. But this morning, obviously, I wasn't there. So I threw the curtains open. And I start out every single day of my life. And I think it was probably my military upbringing. But I throw my hand up and I say good morning. God, this is Chris Laudic reporting for duty. How may I serve you today, Sir? And that is how I start my day. And I know from that minute on it's out of my hands

and to me. I have to do something like that to visually

and take action to let go of all of my little plans and all of my little designs. And so that's why I truly believe this is a divine assignment that I'm here this morning. I'm also grateful to be here because those of you that were here last night heard I just lost my father. It was 4 weeks ago today that my dad passed away and

I was very close to my father. Umm had been his caregiver as primary caregiver for the last seven years and he's just amazing man. But he had Alzheimer's at the end. And my son is 17 and we would visit my dad and you know, my son's like doing the eye roll and like, Oh my gosh, you know, what do we do with this? And I looked at him the one day and I said, you know, because my son's an only child. I said you're looking at your future.

I said, but instead of just talking crazy like your grandpa's doing, I said, you know your mother and you know how I am. I said, I picture myself in a purple velvet hat, stark naked, running through the woods like a wood nymph, and you're going to have to chase me. And he looked at me and he shook his head. And he said, mom, you better stay right in the heart of that a a thing. And I said, what are you talking about? And he said because you're going to need a lot of newcomers to be taken care of you,

You know, it was just it was a beautiful moment. So I'm grateful I'm here. I got to stay in the middle because when I

go that route, you know, I need people to take care of me apparently. But I'm just, I'm also so very grateful to be here because what I have found in Alcoholics Anonymous just goes beyond my wildest dreams, beyond my wildest dreams. It has taught me so much about life. And see, I don't know any other answer. I have no other answer for you. And

as honored as I am

to be standing behind this podium this morning, I know this is not the real service and Alcoholics Anonymous.

The real service and Alcoholics Anonymous is not behind the podium. It's behind the firing lines. It's at 3:00 in the morning when there's another suffering alcoholic on the other end of that phone and they're calling for help. That's when it really matters whether this alcoholic suits up and shows up 'cause you know, after this, no matter how I do, no matter where my head goes, you know, there will be people. It'll be nice to me. There will be people that will thank me. You will be very, very kind,

you know, and that will feed my ego. I'm an alcoholic.

I don't need my ego fed. I can assure you that part of Maine is not starving. But what is starving is I suffer from a spiritual malady. So my soul needs fed. And at 3:00 in the morning, when another suffering alcoholic calls and asks for help, if I suit up and show up, there are times when I have to flip the lights on in my house and walk around, you know, and to keep going. There's times when you got to get in your car and go to them. And usually at 3:00 in the morning, it's not pretty. There's pretty much a guarantee you're going to be puked on before it's over if you show up at somebody's house

time of night because it's not a good time for them. But what happens is my soul gets fed. My soul gets fed. And that's what keeps me happy, joyous and free today. See, to me, Alcoholics Anonymous, if you're active in it, you have chosen a life of love and service. And what has happened to me that I can't be grateful enough for is I have found an authentic woman inside of me

that enjoys that love and service I would rather give than get.

And trust me, that was not the person that came to you 12 years ago. Absolutely not.

I can tell you that long before I ever put alcohol into my system, I had a mind that was doing me in. See, I am that alcoholic that is described in our big book that the consumption of alcohol was but a symptom of what was wrong with me and that my main problem centers in my mind. Before alcohol ever got in here, I had a mind that was doing me in. I had this mind that was constantly chattering

and it was always saying things to me like you're not enough, Chris, you were just not enough. You're not smart enough, you're not rich enough, you're not athletic enough, you're not tall enough, you're not pretty enough. You are just not enough.

And then this other voice would swoop in and say, what do you mean you're not enough? They're always telling you you're too much, you're too loud, you're too rowdy, you're too desperate, you're too much of a crazy person. You're too. I never heard anything too nice, although it may have been said, but all I heard was all the two negative. And let me tell you, I would walk into a room like this. I would rather die actually than walk into a room like this. But I would walk into a room like this and I was so full of self-centered fear,

self pity that I literally believed I could read your mind. And I knew what you were thinking about me. And what you were thinking about me was never nice. But you didn't know that I knew what you were thinking about me because I would walk into the room like the Cheshire cat. Hi. How you doing? Everything's great here, you know, and I'm just going on. And the reason I did that, it's it's not because there was anything happy and joyous inside of me.

See, what was inside of me was dark.

It was black and it was ugly. And I was absolutely convinced if you saw how dark and how black and how ugly it was inside of me, you would recoil in horror and you would leave me alone. And see, there was only one thing in this mind worse than being in a room with all of you and what you were thinking about me. And that was being in a room alone with me and what I was thinking about me. Because what you were thinking about me might have been mean, but you guys, what I was thinking about me was absolutely vicious.

So I was that chameleon that I changed my colors, I changed my look, I changed my personality. I would change everything about me to fit wherever it was that I was. And let me tell you, it has taken 12 years of hard work and Alcoholics Anonymous to find out who the authentic Chris Laudik is. But I stand here before you today and I'm finding out who that woman is. And that's an amazing, amazing gift. But what happened to me at 14 years old was I found the higher power. I didn't even know that I

looking for, I had no concept that there was a hole in my soul that I was trying to fill with all of these other things. But what happened to me at 14 was I had the first experience with as much alcohol as I could possibly put into my system. See, I had had drinks before that, but I had had a beer, a glass of wine, a cocktail, a something. And I couldn't understand it because I would watch my girlfriends, they would have a beer, they'd get giggly, they'd get silly, they'd get flirty, they'd get they would have fun.

I would have a beer. And all of a sudden the beer is empty and I'm getting restless and I'm getting irritable and I'm getting discontent. Fact. I'm getting downright mean. I would go from 4 foot 11 to 10 foot two and you have done something to anger me instantly. And the all bets were off and we were scrapping. See, I had no idea that that was a very early symptom of my oncoming disease of alcoholism,

that I can't take a something into my system because it kicks off the phenomenon of craving. And unless I get more,

I become restless, irritable, and discontent. But this night I had as much alcohol as I could possibly put into my system. And as I said, I found the higher power I didn't even know I was looking for. Because see, I got enough of that alcohol into my system and suddenly my not enough came right up here to just enough. That too much went right down here to just enough. I would look around at all of you and I could care less what you were thinking about me.

See, alcohol did for me what I could never do for myself.

Alcohol changed my perception of me. And when alcohol changed my perception of me, then my perception of you changed. And when my perception of me and you changed, I became happy, joyous and free. So what I did was I went on a 20 year pilgrimage to recapture the three minutes of bliss I felt that first night at 14 years old when all the planets were lined up right and I was comfortable in my own skin. And

more than likely you're an alcoholic of my type or you wouldn't be sitting here at 10:00 on a Saturday morning.

So you understand, I never hit that mark again. I would come right up to it and never quite get there, or I would just go zoom in right past it and then you guys know what happens. But I wasn't a good drunk either. That very first night I drank, I got drunk, I threw up and I jumped on board the express train to Vomitville that night and wrote it for 20 years. It was just what I did. I thought that was just part of drinking. I didn't know that. Not everybody did that

and I remember going home and this will definitely date me. It was the 70s and I remember laying wrapped around my parents toilet literally throwing up my toenails because I was so sick and I am hanging on to that pink shag carpet. God I missed shag carpeting later in my drinking because shag gave you something to hang on to. You know I broke fingers trying to hang on to linoleum. That is not pretty. But yeah I remember laying wrapped around that toilet. So sick.

And the thought went through my head. This is a small price to pay for the way I felt earlier tonight. See, I didn't have a problem with getting sick from alcohol. I faced consequences immediately. I was just just a wild child. When I drank, I faced consequences immediately. I didn't care about that. I didn't have a problem with that. I had hangover so bad that in the morning I would blink and have a near death experience.

Yeah, and I didn't have a problem with that either. The only problem I ever had

with alcohol is that it wore off.

Because see, when alcohol wears off, you guys know what happens. This goes into high gear. And the only way that I have ever found to describe what happens in my head without alcohol or Alcoholics Anonymous in it is several years ago, my dad got my son a hamster for Christmas. And if any of you have ever lived with a hamster in your house, you know what I'm talking about. Mary, you've had a hamster,

but they live in a little metal cage, or at least they used to. They have big plastic condos now, but at this time,

yeah, they lived in this little metal cage with a little metal wheel that no matter how much you oil it, it squeaks. And I remember watching that hamster. And they run and they run, and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run. And I remember thinking, oh, he's got to be getting tired.

And they run. They run, they run, they run. I'm thinking he's got to have blisters on his little hamster feet. When is he going to stop? You know? And then nightfall came and I thought, okay, I'll turn off the lights. He's, he's got to stop Now. I turned off the lights and I swear that thing through his little hamster arms up in the air and went party and he jumped on that wheel. And they run and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run all night long in circles and get absolutely nowhere.

That is this head without either alcohol

or Alcoholics Anonymous in it. It runs and it runs and it runs in circles all the time and gets absolutely nowhere. I think hamsters should be the AA mascot. You know, we could have little hamster hats, little hamster shirts, you know, I mean, just watch one, I'm telling you.

But as I said, you know, I could not stay in that state that I wanted to be in at 14 years old. It's really hard when you're 2 foot three because that's, see, I'm really not that tall,

but I was about two foot three at 14 years old. And it's very hard to go into the liquor store and say, excuse me, Sir.

Can I have a bottle when you can't see over the counter? So what I did was I learned how to con, I learned how to manipulate, and I learned how to use people very early on. I never quit drinking because I didn't have enough money. Because I would con, I would manipulate. I would do whatever a young woman had to do to get more money. I didn't quit drinking because I ran out alcohol because I would con, I would manipulate and I would do whatever a young woman had to do to get more alcohol.

The only time I quit drinking was when I ran out of consciousness.

See, that was the only thing that made sense to me. And as I said, the only problem I have with alcohol is that it wore off. So I was constantly looking for something that would give me that lasting effect that alcohol gave me on a temporary basis. And I was absolutely convinced at 18 years old that the right relationship would do that for me. Right now, I have no idea what the right relationship looks like. All right,

my relationships at that point in my life went something like this.

We are in the living room, we are drunk and I am screaming at you. Get out of here. I hate your guts, your dirty rotten. You know, I can't use the words behind the podium that I used at that point in time. I hate you. I never want to see you again. And you guys, before you head back to your car, out of the parking place in front of my apartment, I had thrown myself spread eagle, superhero style on the hood of your car going, why are you leaving me?

Yeah. And that's, that was my concept

of a healthy relationship. I had no idea. Absolutely none. So it probably would come as no surprise to all of you. By the time I came in here at 33 years old, I was a serial merrier. Yeah,

I intuitively know how to get married. It's the staying part I find baffling.

I looked at poor court last night after he led and I said, was I married to you? I, you know, I mean, it sounded so familiar. I got a little concerned. I, you know, I thought

perhaps I should go home and flip through the paperwork on Sunday and see if there's an amends to be made. I don't know. But he doesn't remember it either. So does that erase it If

but

OK, I what happened, though, was the last victim that I took hostage while I was out there drinking. He was a very successful businessman. And I thought, all right, this is it. I can do this. See, a lot of us, we can do this. That was my Stepford wife years. I call them, you know, I would dress like I did today. I would put on the makeup. I would do everything, everything on the outside look good. And I was literally dead on the inside. And so we would go to these little cocktail parties. And I don't know if any of you have been blessed with a little business cocktail parties,

but they hand you a little 4 oz plastic cup. They fill it full of ice. You know, somebody told me once the fact that I knew it held four oz perhaps was a sign of a problem, but I don't know, go figure. But I had this little 4 oz plastic cup. They fill it full of ice and a 13 year old bartender waves a liquor bottle over the top of it. The fumes fall in and they call it a drink. And I remember standing there all the time thing in, you got to be kidding me. And so, but I'm doing this,

OK, and I'm living under the illusion at this point in my life that our book talks about that I can drink like a normal person. So I'm standing there trying to sip and socialize, which I am completely incapable of doing. So instead of standing there and doing what everybody else is doing, this is what happens. I take a sip of alcohol. It kicks off the phenomenon of craving. And guess who comes to visit the hamster? And he says things to me like Chris, you know, you can get past him and over to that bar and get that bottle of whiskey and you can take

bottle of whiskey and get it back into that bathroom before anybody notices. But you better steal A2 litre bottle of pop too, because you need to refill that whiskey bottle back up in case anybody does see it so you can refill it and bring it back out. They won't think you have drank that. And you can get back past him before he even blinks. And I'm standing there like this having a conversation with a hamster in my head, but I'm so full of self-centered fear and self pity. Instead of doing what he's telling me to do, my feet are glued to the floor and I'm crushed in little plastic cups in my hand.

And what I have found out is I did learn some social graces that I will forever be grateful for. And that is that a business cocktail party? If you crush a plastic cup in your hand and the liquor runs down your arm, it's socially unacceptable to do this

and lick it off.

The hymn that was standing next to me turned scarlet.

You know that little vein that only men have in their forehead that we ladies can make appear? It looked like a Bugs Bunny cartoon. It was like,

and I think I said my first sincere prayer right in that moment that I had ever said in my life. And it was, dear God, please let his head explode because I don't know how else I'm getting out of this one. Because see, I don't have that filter that tells me not to do something before I do it. There's nothing in my head at this point in time that says, Chris, that's probably not a good idea.

The way my head works is do it. Oh, I probably shouldn't have done that. That's how my head worked at that time.

Needless to say, that was the last cocktail party I was ever invited to. But because I'm a good alcoholic, I've always got a plan. I'm a drunk with a plan. And I also lived under the delusion our book talks about at that time, that I could rest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if I just managed well. So I've always got a plan.

And so my next plan is, let me think. I get the house, got the husband, got the cars, got all the stuff that society's telling me I need to be happy, Joyce, and free. What's missing? A child. That's all I need. That's what'll fix all of this. And what I have learned is that the shoulders of a baby are way too tiny to carry the disease of alcoholism on, much less a program of recovery.

And I had that beautiful baby boy. And I'm trying with everything I have not to drink. And I can't understand what's going on

because see, I've put the drink down and instead of feeling better I feel intense and everything around me is just insane. The only way I can describe it to you is if you drank like I did and they you were sitting in the bar. God I love the dark bars. And at 2:30 in the morning, when they flip the lights on after you've been there since noon and your pupils are dilated the size of dinner plates,

and it's like, you know, they flip those lights on and you can see a good alcoholic because we all do this. Whoa. Because it's like a UFO has landed in the bar. It is that bright, you know? And that was how life felt to me right then. It was coming at me. I was not an active participant in my own life. It literally was just coming at me. And I was just reacting. I didn't have to seem to have any positive active participation in my own life.

My personal experience is is the best that I can do on my own without alcohol and Alcoholics Anonymous in my system is to get myself locked up in a psychiatric unit under a suicide watch with papers that say I am a threat to myself and society, including that little baby boy that I brought into this world to fix everything. I can no longer even see him. But time went on

and they did let me out of that hospital. Obviously

back home, still trying not to drink, and my husband left. See, sometimes I think it's harder to live with a dry alcoholic than a wet one. I'm not talking a sober alcoholic. I'm talking a dry alcoholic that's not working a program of action. Because see, at least when I'm drinking, I will pass out once in a while and give y'all a break. But

when I'm dry, I will be up for seven days

with no sleep. And I'm taking your inventory the whole time, you know? And it just, that is how life is with me

when I am dying of untreated alcoholism. It's not pretty. And so my husband left and I climbed right back into the bottle because, see, I didn't have any other answers. And I honestly, I don't remember if I thought, oh, I shouldn't drink or I should drink. I don't really remember having any conscious thought. But I'm sure if I did have a conscious thought, it would have gone something like this. I wasn't drinking and he still left.

Obviously, drinking wasn't the problem. He was.

Crack one open, slug it down, problem solved. Because see, that's the only solution that I had. But I do believe too, that alcoholism is just what a lot of people say. It's a disease that continues to grow when left untreated, even without alcohol in your system. And that is exactly how my story went. See, I didn't pick up where I left off. I picked up light years past where I had left off. This disease had grown back when I was still having fun drinking.

I had been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. I had broken bones. I had concussions.

I have been held hostage and shot at, and that was when I was having fun. OK, Now I find myself and I'm in these blackouts. And they're not just little blackouts anymore. They're those blackouts where I'm waking up in towns and states that I definitely wasn't in the day before. And I don't know how I got there. And the only thing I'm kind of certain of is that, you know, the guns that are laying on the table don't belong to me. But I can't tell you that for sure because I have no idea who these

people are that I'm surrounded by. Absolutely none. And I'm getting to the point where it's getting harder and harder to get to work, so the money is running short. My disease has progressed to the point where I'm having to make decisions. Do I feed my disease or do I feed that little 3 year old boy at home that I brought into this world to save me?

And it pains me to admit the truth that there were days when the disease of alcoholism won that battle.

Because see, I'm an alcoholic. When I reach that point, I cannot not drink. Thank God. The people that wrote our book explain that no human power can relieve me of my alcoholism. That includes a little boy. That includes a nudge from the judge, a parent, a spouse, anything. It has to come from a power greater than ourselves. But at this time, I began to hallucinate. I would put so much alcohol into my system. And the worst part about it

was I could no longer drink enough to that hamster. All I was getting was a drunken hamster and me and him were staying up all night seeing things that weren't there and going places. And after one such night, that little boy, he had turned 4 at this time, came to me with all the anger and rage that is in a child that's being raised by an alcoholic mother. And he just looked at me, said don't you ever do that to me again. And I had no idea what he was talking about. Absolutely numb because I am living from black

to black out at this point in my life and I am actually questioning my 4 year old child in the mornings

about what I did the day before. See, I'm based on all of my reality, on the perception of a four year old child because my reality has become that distorted. And normally my answer to that would have been OK, crack one open, problem solved. But this day something happened. Divine assignment, divine intervention, whatever you want to call it. And I looked at that little boy and I said, what did I do? And boy did that anger him. He said, you know what you did? He said I stayed up all night under the covers with him over my head in bed and I shook and I cried

because you were sending the devil in to get me. I had no idea what he was talking about. And then suddenly I had a flashback. It was just that fast. I remembered laying in my bed, we lived in 100 year old house with an open loft upstairs and I remembered I was laying there and I was hallucinating and I was seeing little red things floating around the room and apparently I thought they were the devil. I didn't even know that my son knew what the devil was because I can promise you on Sunday mornings I was not taking him to church. I was either nursing a hangover or trying to figure out how to get home from wherever I was.

See, my son and I both fought the devil all night long that night. And that devil's name is alcoholism. And I would love to tell you I picked up the phone that day and asked for help. But see, I didn't know about you guys at that point in time. And when I was full of guilt, shame, fear, and remorse, I didn't pick up the phone Then I picked up the bottle. And that's exactly what I did. And I literally tried to kill myself with alcohol and my life went absolutely crazy. And it went absolutely insane. And I can't tell you a whole lot about it because I

remember

what bits and pieces. I remember recollections from that little 4 year old boy. What happened to me though, is I went walking through my kitchen one day in the hand of AA had reached out to me before I even knew it. And a gentleman in my hometown had given me his business card, Jerry Judd. And he doesn't mind if I use his name. And he had given me a business card and on the front was his phone number. On the back was the crisis hotline. And in my alcoholic arrogance, I had thrown it on my kitchen counter and said, what do I need this for?

See, Jerry knew exactly what I needed it for because he was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. He saw my eyes starting to turn yellow. He saw my skin starting to turn Gray.

He saw my body starting to bloat up. He was watching the effects of chronic alcoholism in our hometown. And he knew that I was physically ill and that I was mentally sick. But Jerry knew the most important thing that I believe when alcoholic can know about another, and that's that I was spiritually starved and that Alcoholics Anonymous had the solution for all of my problems. And I picked up the phone that day and I said, Jerry, I said, I don't know what's going on, but I think I need help. And he said, Are you ready to quit drinking? And I got as honest as

ever been, and I said, Jerry, I don't know if I'm ready to quit drinking, but I know I'm ready to quit suffering. And I don't know what to do. And thank God that was enough for Jerry because with that, he, 12, stepped me into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And in his honor, I have to tell you a little story. He's always made me promise to tell it. That night that I made that phone call, Jerry was six years sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. He had been a Potter by trade, had been hurt in a car accident, and was unable to create his

craft the way he had done. He was in more physical, emotional and spiritual pain than he had ever been in. He was sitting in his living room and said out loud, if this is all there is to sobriety, I might as well drink. And the phone rang and I ask for help. So if you're afraid to pick up that 50,000 LB phone, do it anyways. Don't cheat somebody else out of their miracle. Because this last January, Jerry celebrated 18 years of continuous sobriety because he didn't have to drink that night,

Because he reached out and helped another suffering alcoholic feel. Like I said, he 12, stepped me into the rooms of a a, walked into my first meeting, loved what I saw. There was about 35 to 40 people maybe in that room and there was only one other woman.

I was shopping for my next ex-husband at my first a a meeting

and that one woman that I saw, she was about 112 years old so I wrote her off as competition.

Little did I know, I think they called ahead because my perception of what happened at my first meeting was I walked in the the room parted like the great sea and all those men went and this little 112 year old woman came scurrying up to me.

Hi, I'm Mary Kay and I'll be your sponsor. And I'm like, I'm thinking, OK, the only person in the room I didn't want to talk to and here she is. But you know, because I want you to like me. I'm smiling. I'm doing this again, you know, and I'm that person that's new in recovery at 4 weeks and you say to me, how you doing? I'm fine, I'm great, I'm wonderful. Can't believe it took me this long to get here. This is just what I've always wanted, you know, and I'm just here and I remember coming into meetings and I only heard two things. I heard you got to surrender and you got to find God.

And I'm like, surrender, Hmm, Lived on the streets. You surrender your prey, your prey, your week, your week. They gotcha. I don't think so. And then I would ask these old timers, I'd say so how do you surrender? And they'd go, Will you give it to God? Well, how do you give it to God? Will you let it go?

Well, how do you let it go? Well, you turn it over. How do you turn it over while you surrender?

I'm like, OK, one of two things. The hamster lives in here. Or these old guys don't even know. You know, I was just like convinced. And then I remember this whole God thing and I'm thinking, I don't think so. I don't believe in things, can't see, not going there. And if, if just by some wild chance there is this God, then he knows how dark and how black and how ugly it is inside of me. And there's no way he's going to help me. So what I did was I walked around for my first four years

and Alcoholics Anonymous living a lie. I was a spiritual parasite.

I literally stole your words off of you and repeated them back.

But what I didn't get were your beliefs. See, I had it up here, but it didn't make it to here. And what I know today, stronger than I've ever known in sobriety, is that you cannot live a spiritual way of life based on a lie. And that's what I was trying to do. And at four years away from my last drink in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I had no idea I was dying of untreated alcoholism.

And my mother died of the DTS in one of our local hospitals.

See, she never got the gift. She never got the miracle. And what happened to me was I had a complete meltdown in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And let me tell you, hitting bottom in a A is a highly underrated spiritual experience because what it did for this alcoholic is it took me exactly where I had to go. It knocked me to my knees. See, I had been a professing of faith that I didn't actually have.

And so I was knocked to my knees in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was hitting bottom. And I would come to meetings. And I'm crying and I'm sobbing and snots pouring out my nose, and I have the Alice Cooper makeup running down my face, and people are starting to walk around me because they are afraid it's contagious, whatever I have going on. And I'm asking people, what do I do? What do I do? And they're like, just keep coming to meetings and don't drink and you'll be fine. I wasn't fine. I was not fine. I was sinking into that emotional quicksand. And if you've ever watched those old Westerns,