Workshop titled "The Spirit of the 12 Steps" in Santa Fe, NM

the stuff

did you guys have done this stuff

but you were all rather than me and that I was some kind of pariah and I used to try that at different points I would like try to manage the truce online inventory because I want to mention now coming off so I didn't want to think too badly of me

and I was robin myself and I didn't realize that but I realized after that experience with just the amount that I was capable of being honest about

for that being embraced and and being robbed and understood and I'm sharing their experiences with me that separation was gone because I was such a liar

and service are really beneficial experience to me Niles rapper notorious just about anybody doesn't matter to me I don't have much to hide

so

redeem Tory's a great experience I haven't always had top of the mountain top experiences after reading inventory but I have had them after doing step six and seven

what time is it

im service about six and seven you don't spend a lot of time on step six and seven in the big Bucks but those are profound profound stops that is where the magic happens this will change happens I hate to use that word magic but I'm using way we're I changed

if there was anything more that I can zero

they've asked me to do it

but there isn't anything else I can do all I can do is get ready to ask

through the player and consideration the directions that we have in there and then it

and I absolutely spend an hour I don't rob myself so that I can either when I sponsor don't rob yourself of that experience get down in there ma'am what's your creator and have a conversation and I I would go through all my fourth column and player with god I'm talking having a conversation some things will come to me that didn't come out to me when I saw the stuff and it's all right that's that's down I've been brought to tears in that experience before

I have found that connection

just amazing things has happened instead six in silence in six when I'm doing that review and I'm really

asking god to remove the stuff because I don't want to be the person

who is capable of doing it and I've also had the experience of going into that stuff and and you know having so stop it and and I'm talking to god about it and I know that I'm not ready to let it go

I know it

and I ride myself about that anymore

I'm trying to manufacture because I think I should be

that I should be ready I mean I've seen the damage that it costs

I know it's wrong

but I'm not ready I'm not done with the and I know it

so I found the direction

I got into I'm willing

and I I don't try to make anything happen you know and then some people put type it disappear on you which is well gosh if you keep asking for the willingness that means that singer pain and suffering is going will be version of it on you know hasn't been my experience at all

if I'm really willing to ask god to help me and I know I'm not really take thank god steel that's on me

if I go out there and create more harm and suffering that's on me because I know that that point

nine no I'm not willing to let it go

and one there's another side of this well I felt that I was in line to read well and I got removed anyway

so you know

I can bring as much to this and think I know as much about what's going on there because I think I do sometimes I don't know ****

you know I'm saying god is in charge

have the spiritual rice my spiritual life in rats removed and when all I can do is come to the table totally honest and willing

and bring everything that I got to the table rather yeah

that's all I can do

there's more I can really tell me

how to change myself I really but I can

so I think it's time to stop next time

thank you

now go hard

and I've had a wonderful time this weekend getting the run around with Bernadette my god

what a joy I just a blast and got to go play some last night with some folks and eat dinner and and hang out and have some great conversation and the meeting last night the meeting was awesome

it was great really enjoy caring everybody's experience with six and seven

thank you again for having me out here in town one either for having me at your home I was wonderful to be there

and I'm I'm like sad to leave you guys I I want to bring that home with me

just had a wonderful time and it's really nice and and time types that it's not but we talked a lot about your family in Alcoholics Anonymous and I definitely feel connected to the family that is out here and it thank you so much to add and and bring bring that

Bernadette she hasn't heard that song yeah she's here that

for just taking me out last night

it was great thank you

and road runner he's here this morning

very

so it's good to see him

animal man

Manian devil as a

I always had a great time so thank you so much for making me feel welcome

and your card

so

so if you miss the meeting last night they really expanded on six and seven you need to talk to them because it was good there's a lot of just tremendous experience shared sometimes talk too much about that

about eight nine ten eleven twelve since we just have a couple hours after I read inventory and and first step and then six and seven I was not allowed to and I and that's not the right way to say not allowed it was made very clear to me that I I was to get started on and then immediately but it wasn't something that I could wait around and do and I was in pretty bad shape so I knew

that was true I had a lot of a man's

the special financing on men's and that was overwhelming to me the man's that I had to make to people at that time and at that price didn't bother me too much I wasn't too concerned with that it was the financial stuff

right I couldn't I think I was making twelve thousand five hundred dollars a year in my first financial man first I think I'll post a fifty grand and I couldn't conceive cream conceived of starting to make that right

and you know all the principles that we need in order to make amends and to make a factor the man's are contained in a big book and also why we make some

and I was reminded of that over and over again when I wanted to fall AT and making them which is the reason I'm making on this to be fitted so I can be of maximum service to my cell

that's it

and and that's the best life I've ever known to by the way so I was ready to be fitted even though I was afraid as verifying

you know in an interview experience the other side of it going into something like that when you don't know what's going to happen and you don't understand how it's gonna work out and people tell you well just just trust the process just trust god you're like one not feeling that I'm not feeling it today okay

so and I got reminded over and over again you were willing to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol this is where the rubber meets the road

are you ready to get out there and start cleaning up the wreckage of your past

so with financial men's

I heard a lot of money

I don't want to pay it back

bye bye sticking rise I'll save up

and then I'll pay back all at once that makes sense to me

my sponsor said absolutely not

you took it out of the world you put it back in the world

I don't care if you have to pay five dollars a month you pick one and get started

and that's what I did in

so I picked one call him up I made the best arrangement I could I sometimes I can only send one dollar a month just paying rents car insurance you know just a regular bills one within large fine you know thirteen five or twelve five whatever it was

so

writing that check every month

very difficult

I didn't like it at all and it was humbling I was embarrassed I was

thanks bye I was more embarrassing anything else because I thought I should be able to pay it back all at once but it was just what my angle needed is a very smashing exercise for me because I was somebody for a long time who defined myself by how much money I had

or not that I ever earned it I just took it from you by it was mine in my head

so but I that's how I define myself so it was pretty pretty humbling

an interesting thing happened

the more money I started to pay back on those financial and then some more money started coming into my life

and I would have never ever believe that to be true for someone with

ever

and it didn't happen right away it was probably good eight to nine months into it

they say making more money I wasn't allowed to keep the money or I did and I say that like my

it was strongly suggested

by sponsorship that that money goes right back out

I didn't get to keeping go shopping for anything else I had to pay back

and you know and I started getting different jobs better jobs jobs that on paper someone like me shouldn't have I just got my GED I am not educated still today I don't have a formal education and

and I I do fine I'm doing all right it took me five years to get all that money paid back

and they were summoned financial immense where places that I. it's stolen from we're no longer in business I had to find somewhere and give that money away if I went to somebody and said

I took this from you I was wrong I I stole this money from you I'm ready to pay this back and they said no don't worry about it I couldn't keep the money I still had to give it away somewhere I wasn't allowed to keep that

which I tried to

you know explain to my sponsor house wasn't a big deal

and really they were okay with me

and I got the usual last and

give it away

it's not yours give it away

and then it's now it's become easy for me and and and through that process to a loss attachment to money

I like money but I'm not attached to money

I better be careful what I say with that then that's gonna like strike me pour some right

but anyway

you know and I learned how to live without it which was a really valuable experience for me as part of me growing up

so that a man's was benefited while I was getting straight with the world what that did for me as a human being was tremendous eight just getting out there and and cleaning up the wreckage of my past even elements are not about making the change that that run me for me being willing to do that was huge

my family did not want to talk to me they did not want to hear my immense my mother especially and she was like you know I just don't want to hear about everything that you've done I she'd already been hurt enough by me and she was someone who thought that I'd be dead before us twenty one

so

the fact that I was sober was just enough and you know and Donna sponsoring me at the time so the direction that I got was need to start showing up at your parents house on a regular basis so that's what I started doing with my mother and my stepfather

and they were living in Stafford Virginia at the time so there about an hour away so I would start showing up regular I did bring laundry with me but that's okay

make use of that time

but he gave my mom and opportunity to see that that I wasn't there really was trying to live differently and that it was consistent because she she's seen me get server before ending crazy so yeah you're getting sober what do you do you know what to DO you know and this truly was about change and and she just needed to see that demonstrated for quite awhile

and she was I never realized how long guard my mother was with me I have her on eggshells most of the time she's just waiting for the evil Valerie to show back up

and and she told me that one time because I started to get happy with something I mean and I and I didn't see it until I saw that reaction I've heard just totally backing away and saying oh god you know what are you getting ready to show up now I can't remember how she said it but it was like that's what she was saying to me

and I was like wow I had no idea

because I you know it was my mom's fault I was screwed up you know what I mean I've been walking around with that believe for years it was my mom's fault

my step dad raised me and he was a pilot in the navy and he was a tough guy very tough guy and he's an alcoholic he's an active alcoholic today

and very tough ma'am at him and I did not get along when I was growing up what's interesting was when I went put when I was putting treatment needed to he was the one who took me

and I think he really cared but didn't know how to demonstrate that and of course if you don't Love Me the way I think you should drop me then it means nothing

you know I name anyway so and I had a he is not an emotional guy

and he's very hard and

he's kind of me

it's kind of a mean spirited guy

and very unhappy and anyway

so I made my appointment with my mother and I made my image of my father that was the beginning

what is happened since then is my family's been through a lot of stuff

and I have become

this is what my dad called me he called you you are the star worked in this family I know what that meant I had to go look it up

because I'm not educate

and my and my stepfather was very very smart man he's got five master's degree was invited to be a Rhodes scholar very intelligent man

very disappointed today and go to the Naval Academy and then for from my potential or whatever yeah I'm cursed with potential right

speaking about US lessons were options coverage better retreat and he was talking about you know hi everybody was always having conversations about him and his potential and house being registered and I I don't know any alcoholics who hasn't heard the potential lecture he's got so much potential and your roasting it or how to take that energy and just apply now

reply or but you know

no I'm not one that has a very strong where people yeah I'm not really great people at all

it just has to be important to us

but anyway so I'm just routing here's as a result of being present for my family telling them the truce showing up on a regular basis calling them every week regardless of whether I wanted to or not so part of my Sunday ritual Sunday morning ritual we started developing a relationship and they started saying that I'm sober when I go to visit you know sometimes people would travel with me they got start getting exposed to people that run with an a a they saw that my son wasn't completely goofy and being you know destroyed anymore you know so we started seeing some stuff so they started being able to trust me as a result of that of just being willing to take those actions and not sit around and wait go where's mine you're not treat me right right now

I've been able to be a member of my family and relied upon in my family so my family's been through a lot in the last year my grandfather passed away and I was called out there by my father and that's what he told me you're my star wars my father was drunk the entire time I drove him around everywhere he needed to go and try to change him

I said to the makes Rackley where he was that told him how much I loved him and him and I and the only time that he can get to speak anything emotional

or with some degree of honesty is when he's wasted

when he's not when he doesn't have all right fear in the way

and

and I made to help to make all the phone calls with my grandfather and that's his last Perrin and he's devastated by it he he loves his mother and father and I got to hear a lot of stories about

my grandfather who was a World War two veteran and a paratrooper and my son has his name sake like my father and my brother and my stepdad a common file whatever he raised me

so just being able to be present for that and be a part of that was the biggest guest in my family shortly afterwards I get a phone call from one of my brothers

please drunk and we have many of those phone calls you know the drunken dials and playing music into the voicemail and

the stuff I used to do when I was stopping people you have

well as a stock I do that

I'm a recovering stock

so

that's all right he's drunk and dial you know talking about drinking dial in you know in in any place south park into the voice mail too and and whatever

used to be a police officer last last was a marine and a police officer in the last the force and she you know never give the an active alcoholic a lot of money by mistake you know what I mean you got a lot of money and he went through it in a very short time gone to Vegas and drinking and partying and stuff and he's married now it it has a little girl and I started getting phone calls from Connie and and she's just so she starts speaking in Spanish and I'm just like I I don't understand that either you gotta calm down and

and Connie's call and and it was wonderful but they know remembers of the a and and they that that they do call that's the miracle of it

my brother and I are close but we've gone through periods where you know he just disarming and write me off you know and I have to go back and make amends and and he just like you and hang up the phone and one talk to me for a year you know I mean so the fact that they called it was it was amazing to see one here anybody that a a crap

and so I get a call from him and he drives cross country from palm desert California out to Virginia and he was with us for a month so bring up

so to me that's being part of the family being of service to the family and that's right as a result of making amends and it's not about how it looks or how people respond at the time

I I can't emphasize that enough sometimes I get hung up on if you don't respond to me how I think you should spiritually or how I think they should go because I'm doing god's work that's the amends me nothing

or or whatever and I think the impact of trying to clean up the wreckage of our past and B. and and available member to our family regardless of who they are where they are what they're doing or what they're not doing

makes S. available when it when we return when they really need us

and and that's what's happened in my family as a result of making amends I also got the opportunity to sit down

one night with my grandfather my sapphire and

and those two were crying and they've been drinking all that stuff and so they weren't crying they were they were talking about World War two and I don't know if I don't know if you've been around man who's been in the war they don't like to talk about it at all and my great grandfather is very closed up guy to

and they invited me to come sit with them

I couldn't believe that

and then and they started telling the stories

and then they started crying for those two men to cry in front of me was a huge guest

could show that kind of emotion around me in the past if you good I found your weak spot and I'm coming after you

if I know what your vulnerability vulnerability phone bill you know what I'm saying

this call free price here

messed it up I can't move it fast enough he ro but if you showed any kind of weakness with me and I was drunk and server for a long time

I that's what I would use you people are not still showing nine from me

you were not it was not a safe environment

I was not a safe environment

and for me to be a safe environment for those men was a standing

and believe it

and and so I just started we've been to

so it was wonderful to be a part of

and and then eventually those guys got all uncomfortable with their one of their water from vulnerability and it stopped

but that's okay it was wonderful while we were there

so in my for my biological father is a member of a those were

those weren't hard amends to make because we we understood each other I love him a lot of money and I had to pay those back he said to me because I knew you were really sober when I started getting checks from you every month

I knew this wasn't a joke

when it kept calm and month after month until it was done

and and really that's the key and my consistent in my consistently showing up

I had to make many many and since then there are some moments that I cannot make because to do so would cost on

and what I was directed with that was you get to live with it

younger get make amends to save your own **** you don't get to do it at other people's expense you get to live with it

so I got stuff that I'm living with but it does get put to use with other alcoholics one on one

so

some amends to that I'm just standing ready to make I have no idea how I can make those right call don with when I when I remembered when I was younger my friend and I just went on a male stealing screen

we just went through this huge neighborhood install everybody's mail looking for money

and I mean we must they had two hundred fifty pieces of mail

green Kerr

we're looking for money

and

you know I never bills letters tracks you know people's personal stuff

and this was ever before ever picked up a drink to

so anyway you know I shouldn't say that you know I don't have a social drinking period and that's when ice takes ships off my parents drinks over my social drinking period when I have a sip also running coke

but anyway how do I possibly make that right

what do I do to make that I have no idea who those people are I don't even know if the same people are living in that neighborhood this is in orange park Florida I mean I have no idea

and don said I don't know when and I don't know how to to my stand willing to make that amount

and you will know it when it's presented to you the opportunity to make that right stand willing to be ready

so I haven't had an opportunity to make that right yet but I'm I'm ready and I'm willing I'm they've been people that I haven't been able to find and it's the same thing I'm ready whenever god sees fit I'm willing to make CM and I had a lot just a lot of just a man's to make with people with friendships people that I harmed along the way

most of like my

for lack of a better way to put this call hearing to a man's a man have been sobriety

I've done just as much damage sober because I did drink

so how are that as I go along cleaning up wreckage and they've been people in sobriety that I've gone to make amends to like I don't want to have anything to do with you and this is stuff I did sober

and also members of and I mean like I stay over there

that guy I told our story on Friday night when I turn into a peacock raging maniac that's one example there's more and fortunately

you know stay away you know I'm glad you're sober and doing you're saying but I don't want anything to do with you

thank you no thank you for for doing what you've done and we all know because it was all going up pretty much the same way you know I can never go and say I'm sorry if I find somebody I have to go and say I am wrong I have harmed you what can I do to make this right and then being quiet and listening to what they have to say and being willing to to do what they're asking me to do I've never been asked to do anything outrageous

I've never I just haven't

I just needed the willingness to go do it all

and to get busy doing that and once I started making amends

I had to meet at least are practicing ten eleven twelve and that's what says and I booked you know as we're cleaning up the past restart you know practicing steps ten eleven and twelve

hello September

for me

and I love what it says in here to some great stuff in here

mmhm I have any questions about a man's anything they want to hear from their own experience

don't be sure Tom

thank you

I have I used to like to

thank you very much for waiting

I never knew that

you know I have to get some money from

got a

so I don't I don't I don't know what name is

please

and he says well I got a state

so

where do you come buddy uhhuh something

hi

three

you know it's just a few moments twenty some years

she thinks she's deceased

uhhuh and so this is one of those things anyway

uhhuh

so

she said I think that would be great

mmhm

and just that evening I was driving after meeting

wow

uhhuh and

but she said you're comes

well my mom wanted to go to somebody having children

can I ask permission to go to

so

that same day one of the stars

great

where we

back then we never watch TV

there was a advertisement

term we get old

this is like two weeks

so it's kind of like

she mmhm

and so anyway I was and then I have to wait to find

and I always do this always jury or something I have that's ridiculous the person

mmhm so

that's all he said was like just

mmhm

yes

you had to and even if you're willing to make the admins all kinds of opportunities will show up to do it I remember one time I was driving to downtown Richmond to go to work and I've been asking god to show me where I could put some money because I needed to give money away and I saw I was at the stop line downtown Richmond and I look to the left and there's a you know in order beat up truck with the could open in the store man and this young gal there

and some told me to go over there

and I'm on my way to work normally I'd be like I'm like are you sure yeah really Peter we did talk to we get directions from the spare

right anyway how to check out a sponsorship sometimes make sure it's not me talking

I drove over there and other batteries bad and I asked him can I help them give them a jump and we do that and the batteries in pretty bad shape they need a new one and I said let me buy you and battery

and he said I why

and he was just looking at me like it's done you know and you know what's it for why you are doing and

so I said you'll be helping me if you were right may help you

and the right amount of check I said were fifty seventy five we need he said fifty I really check for fifty rested bring to take to go buy it wherever he wanted to and what

but opportunities like that showed up all the time I've got amazing traveling stories are running into people on planes that are going to help their wayward daughter and getting to talk to them about Alcoholics Anonymous and that's happened to me several times

so there's always opportunities for open to people and the saying that

but I have to remember because I can sometimes close out because I get so busy it's like okay this is just my time now and I I'm not see you I'm not talking to

you know go away

and and I will miss opportunities like that

when when it is about if you want to get to know guy gets no that's kids

it's easy for me sometimes to just shut off because I'm around now

that makes sense

I work with plenty of drunks I'm not well now I deserve this quiet time

nine talk to some sub you'd sit next to me

you know what I'm saying so and that's that's wrong

selfish selfish selfish

service was probably just a step to please for which suggest we continue ten percent interest and continue to sit right any new mistakes as we go along

we vigorously commences way of living as we clean up the past we have entered the world of the spirit that's great that's good news

I next function it's a growing understanding and effectiveness in the world of the square

service understanding and effectiveness in the world of the spirit world it's your personal experience what what is it for you I can talk about well looks like for me

and been talking about it all weekend

willingness to be honest about who I am

our willingness to extend myself to other people even when it's inconvenient willingness to be of service and all of my fears willingness to admit when I'm wrong

and not being afraid of that

not having

not having to be right all the time

stuff like that

to me that's growing and understanding effectiveness

from my understanding of the world but the spirit has changed from something that was pretty closed up and tight and rigid to something that's pretty open handed and very compassionate

and I would imagine that that'll continue to change

a stock of this one I think it affected miss I think about house I become more effective well when I I don't today I do a lot more than what I did five years ago I'm much more active in every area of my wife today when I was five years ago ten years ago

fifteen years ago

without a responsibility I've always been given the power to fulfill that

that's why don't manage my life

whatever I've been asked to do I've always been given the power to do it

and it looks really busy at times

we're talking some about that but I'll talk more about that so

and it says it's not an overnight matter it'll continue for last time like what time that there is no is there I would be wrong again and again and again I was telling the other liars I will have fear again I will get resentful again I'm gonna make stupid decisions

but it's okay I would be dishonest so be selfish

that's all right and not that I'm conscious of going out there trying to behave that way but it's going to happen and it's part of the human condition yeah so that's interesting to me in the bed but you know once you're past

first that both of you know when you get to that but governments in the search to about the human condition and they're talking about meeting last night you know I just I all right to human condition so I some alcohol

human conditions really uncomfortable to me

because I got the spiritual reality thing going on

so

continue to rise for these things because they're going to crop up and directions are a real specific

good god first all right

because I want relief right away my favorite place to find as I'm going to pick up the phone and call somebody

and I can Ryan or I can try to gather an hour while I get them on my side

you know if I'm really upset I don't try to circle the wagons and figure out if we can reach our live together and justify it

no longer god first

and I don't

I found my natural response it's not my

maybe one day and sobriety to it will be better it's still not my instant natural response

to me this is taken tremendous practice and I still don't do it every time

but I'm much more willing to go to my creator to biosystems crop up and then I Russ and when you get a chance that body that's a great exercise to do I'm going through the steps with the group right now and we just got through the tense up and so we all hooked up and we were chinstrap bodies together and I ended up with one of the gals I sponsor and

she kind of annoys me

so I went to a

after the tone when I'm afraid either at Riley do you know

probably use it against me wrote

and you know we put numbers in the hat and shoes rather so I'm just gonna have to trudge divine Providence Rhode

it was a great experience that time either she was just calling but just sometimes you know with me but I love her because she's a lot like me

yeah we're out in sort of crap and

so

we have trusted burying when that stuff crap happened and what we do we make an agreement the first question is have you gone to god

first question can you gonna die can you play that first and then if the answer is no and we made an agreement to be honest about this click

not only be clicked so I will go out first and then I pick up the phone hello good I guess at the example you know